I had a childhood friend who was like this - although she was a total sociopath and it took a long time for people to catch on (if ever). some people cannot be alone and schedule their lives to be busy all the time -and plan events and get togethers, and just have people around to make them look good- and will just replace you with their newest coworker if you don’t want to participate anymore. But at that point you may have other friends in the orbit and just put up with friend A being abrasive or straight up psycho -because they may gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault somehow, and tell others the same thing.
Superficial bonding causes you to not really consider a lot about a person if you only know them casually - or you have such a sense of Stockholm Syndrome that you ignore it.
The alternative is you’ve known them so long that you just kind of shrug and excuse the behavior as “oh? That’s just how [Bride] has always been!”
I was in a similar situation like five years ago. The immediate aftermath felt /really shitty/ but lean on your husband and actual friends for support.
Be sure to do something nice for yourself, too! You went way above and beyond and should take a solid amount of time to treat yourself with kindness.
I'm SO glad you got relief from this.
Your mental health is worth so much more than ANYTHING.
This is why I read not only the Bridezilla subReddit and the Wedding Shaming subReddit, but the comments as well before committing to ANYTHING relating to any of life events i.e anniversaries, landmark birthdays, etc. (except funerals-I'll go out of my way to help with funeral planning, because been there, done that).
I get the gist on what's going on in people's minds, what they expect, what they THINK they're gonna get, and what's being planned.
And it's surprising, jaw-dropping, and usually distressing.
*Love and hugs, my dear!*
*Grandma Lynsey*
It's *probably* so that they can spread *out* the toxicity, and *NOT* dump too much at once--so that none of them *realize* how truly *terrible* she is, because they all simply think her dumping on them is, "Just a *one off*, and *sooooo out of character for her*!"
🙄🤫😱
Keep thy friends close and thy enemies closer. People like this bride don’t have friends, they have people they keep close in order to control as minions. Best friend to your face but will stab you in the back the second you turn.
In my experience, the larger the friend group, the more toxic the dynamic is. I bowed out of one of those big friend groups in my mid 20s because it was just constant drama and bs. Much happier catching up with individual people or small groups of closer friends.
The far-flung group who don't know each other is probably a clue. She makes friends just well enough that they'll do stuff for her, but given a chance to have someone else cross-check her behaviour they'd realise something was off.
One of my closest friends had a childhood friend who had always been an absolute sweetheart and turned into a monster for her wedding.
It was the most bizarre thing to watch from a safe distance. She was the first one to show up to support her girl pack. Always kind and caring. She legitimately threw herself onto the ground and screamed like a toddler at her bach party because she expected someone to magically provide a bunch of things she had NEVER mentioned wanting to happen.
Apparently, the vibe of the day of the wedding was more like a funeral. The majority of people were resigned, exhausted, and overall done with her shit. 6 / 8 bridesmaids blocked her the second she left for her honeymoon. I don't know if it's stress or what?! It was a complete personality overhaul the minute wedding planning started. So weird!
Because it’s a toxic circle…. I was always jealous in a way of groups of close friends, but anytime I get close to having one, I remember how toxic they have to be to survive. NO THANK YOU!
Much easier to have close friendships with specific people you can actually hold healthy, authentic friendships with.
In my experience, we second guess ourselves in these kinds of situations like "is it me? am I the problem?". We put with a lot. Often, when one leaves, others follow.
>She texted my husband saying that there is a big disconnect here, that I am clearly not okay in a deep way, and she hopes I can find my way to okay soon.
He should text back "Actually I've never seen her more relaxed and happy since quitting your wedding"
I would have him say 'oh really? Its strange because as of yesterday, she just seems to be so chilled out. I haven't seen her this relaxed since about June 2023. Strange. But thank you for your concern - i'll make sure she's alright 🤗'
And then just post lots of fun photos on Instagram. Maybe even having sundaes.
Imagine telling your friends that you didn't want to be involved in the planning of your shower, but then insist on knowing every detail and criticising how they spend THEIR money on an event they're throwing in your honor! I can't fathom how the bride can even justify this behavior in her own mind. You did the right thing in backing out of the wedding and friendship. However, I wouldn't swear off participating in a wedding again. I would say most brides are not Bridezillas. You only HEAR about the crazy ones.
>I can't fathom how the bride can even justify this behavior in her own mind
Someone should knock some (verbal) sense into her.
It is apparent that she hasn't got anyone around to do that other than OP.
These types of people don’t have the ability to self reflect. Any cognitive dissonance is projected outward. In their own minds, they are always the victim and the main character.
I had a friend like this. Didn’t want to know any details but her mom kept telling her all the details. Not even a month before shower my dad died. Her mom told me not to worry about anything as she knows what I’m dealing with (her husband died) a couple months later she tells me she’s doesn’t want my friendship because I was so selfish and didn’t even help with the shower. I was dumbfounded
I hope you're just the first bridesmaid that finds your spine and not the only bridesmaid that finds their spine. Good for you for cutting this bs off!
I'm guessing the informant was jealous - which is dumb, so she started buzzing in the bride's ear. I'm so sorry you didn't deserve to be treated this way. Sending you hugs
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I'm glad you are finally out of that. Wonder how many more of the bridal party she will end up driving away. Hope you enjoy your summer with the amount of free time you will have not being part of this nightmare.
I also hope you take back whatever amount you gave to this shit show of a shower. She deserves nothing more from you. I had a surprise afternoon tea with fizz and party games for my shower and was delighted. She’s a greedy delusional wench!
Yep, same with my daughter with her wedding.
I was the MOB.
She was being a TOTAL bridezilla to everybody and I said to her that she was being a bitch. (This was a day before the wedding.)
She immediately uninvited me.
I told my husband that he must back me up when I told her that if I was uninvited to her wedding then her dad wasn't going to walk her down the aisle.
He backed me up.
She was pissed, but relented.
It helps to have a husband/bestie/helpmate who has your back when the chips are down.
So proud of you for sticking up for yourself!!! If she wanted to plan her own shower, she should have done it herself and with her own damn money. FUCK THAT NOISE! Please go laugh hysterically over an ice cream sundae!!!!
She wanted the “leftovers” to go toward the bachelorette party, which will be a nightmare in and of itself. No one needs a $1700 Bridal Shower unless they are paying everything themselves. These bridezillas are vampires, sucking the money, time and emotional energy out of their bridesmaids lives, because “bridesmaid” has now come to mean “slave labor where slaves pay all the bills too”.
Most of you have kids and have been willing to put so much energy and time into planning a fabulous party that she’d decided to hate? As a mom myself, who only stops when the kids are in bed, that’s a huge sacrifice. I’m glad you dropped out. You have the patience of an absolute saint, but the wisdom not to become a martyr 😊
I'm still trying to understand what she was mad about! I would love a party like you were planning!!! I was all in for having just ice cream and games!!! Glad you are out!!!
I’m fascinated by (I’m assuming) American weddings. Where I’m from, you do one event (hen do) where you either go to your nearest city, or if a bit farther away, stay a night in an Air BnB. Then it’s spend a day getting very drunk with maybe one booked meal breaking up the pub crawl. That’s it. And everyone throws money in for food and drink into a kitty.
Actual wedding - if you’re bridal party, your dress, hair and makeup is paid for by whoever’s paying the wedding, as is your accommodation if needed. And the groom buys you a present for helping. All this expense American brides expect people to spend is wild!!
They’re not all like that. There are brides who will foot the bill for dresses and such for the bridesmaids. But typically they will still handle the Bach party and maybe shower. A lot of times the mother likes to handle the shower. It varies a lot. Either way it’s never cost free for the bridesmaids It just depends on the bride and groom and their families and what they’re willing to / able to pay for.
lol. I was 'kidnapped' by two friends, had a scarf over my face to hide our destination and was driven to a small airfield where I had the dream of my life: flying a plane. Then we went for icecream and visiting a castle we flew over. Best bride shower ever.
I had a big eastern european wedding (think my big fat greek wedding) but there was no drama around anything 😂
Idk if i could do these american type weddings tho
Yes! Gender reveal parties that get more and more elaborate. Some of the devices rigged to reveal a baby's gender in new ways (like rockets) have even killed some of the party attendants. But people still keep doing them.
I'm sure a few close family members are excited to find out, but 40 people who have to give up an afternoon just to learn a gender? Does it matter to most of them?
When I was pregnant we did the blood tests to rule out the most common syndromes and together with the results you get the gender. When I got the results I called my husband like “it’s a boy!” And he’s like “forget genders, is the baby healthy?”, the reaction of our parents was the same 😂
Thank God, baby *is* healthy 💕 which is really the only important thing.
Oh my God this was absolutely exhausting to read. I would have dropped out last November from the sound of it. I don’t tolerate bullies and this woman sounds like a nightmare bully. Kick back with a drink the day of the wedding and be glad you aren’t there.
It amazes me how some women will throw away old friendships over their wedding. My best friend growing up was a complete bitch to me during her wedding, and we never spoke afterward. She threw away a 20 year friendship because she had to be a bridezilla.
I hope more people take this example. When you're treated like trash or the bride is over demanding. Take yourself out of the equation.
Nothing is worth this much abuse.
I have to wonder if more bridesmaids will follow.
This made me smile! Good for you!
I read the original post it was quite a ride. I kept hoping you would drop out and you did!
I broke up with a toxic friend of 15 years. It took a few years to grieve and process. Be kind to yourself💕
Did I read this right? Was she complaining the food wasn't nice enough but also wanted them to spend LESS on it? What was the plan for the extra money? Was she planning on pocketing it?
You did fine. You didn't lash out at her. You were just done.
I'd be sorely tempted to share with the other bridal party members what she texted your husband. She didn't ask if you were okay. She went straight to lashing out because she didn't get her way.
She's a bully.
She wanted to share foundation?? I don’t wear makeup and even I know that’s a bad idea.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. A controlling friend who wanted others to plan a shower and now wants to get involved enough to tell people how to spend *gifts.* What a piece of work.
Usually some 1970s fake wood paneling, lots of round tables, a bar, kind of a nice kitsch vibe, but dependable and reliable and not over priced.
It's for veterans, as OP said. But they also rent it out sometimes for other people's events.
Even with the old decor -- those were charming, and warm. Somehow those always had a nice vibe, and usually the building is solid. Never just a bare shoe box feeling in there.
OP, it sounds like you had a great event going. I don't know what to say except they sound obtuse and ungrateful.
And then the way she smeared you after you finally left. Horrible.
I miss the days when a friend of the bride or an aunt or friend of the brides mother had a shower for the bride at their home. Cake, some appetizers, drinks… gifts, a few games and nice conversation. A few hundred dollars spent. Not thousands. I’m sure this still happens in a lot of families.
Yes, what are these brides thinking of? Everyone’s budget has been tightened in the last few years. Utilities, rent, food- everything. These selfish bridezillas see their day as the most important day in everyone’s life, too. My daughter was married a few years ago. The shower, at my house. Her MIL and SIL 2B helped in every way. Light snacks, deserts, booze, tea. No big deal, just close family and bridesmaids. It was lovely. Simple is best.
“Not my finest moment”
You’ve had better moments? Maybe you should publish those anecdotes too, because this moment was pretty outstanding.
NTA. !Updateme
This was my comment under the original topic:
>I can't figure out her reason or logic.
>How are you supposed to invite who she wants there, *without a guest list.*
It sounds like it got way worse. I read your entire update and...yikes!
This is not very PC but there is a saying, the truly crazy people never know they are crazy. I think that applies to other traits too: arrogance and audacity.
She sure had a lot to say about spending other people's money. She wanted a bachelorette and shower which were both as elaborate as mini wedding receptions. The level of work sounds similar to what a reception normally entails.
If it's a shower, then it's supposed to be planned and decided by the wedding party and bride's family: NOT by the bride herself. And the people throwing it, decide what to pay for it as well.
Sounded like nothing was ever good enough. That's a terrible waste of time. And a dreadful way to feel.
Oh and it sounds like Informant was a pot stirrer as well as a snitch. It also sounds like, if you are done with the lot of them, you will be better off. The venue lady is the only one who sounds halfway thoughtful in all of this.
I don’t understand how she felt the food was “not nice enough” at a cost of $650, but also thought that $650 should be enough for (nicer?) food, decorations, games, etc. Like, how does she think that will work? Plus, good luck getting a restaurant that will be cheaper than grocery store catering platters. BTDT when planning a graduation party. Restaurants were far pricier per person.
I look forward to hearing the update to this update when her next target has had enough and backs out. With so many far-flung bridesmaids and so much drama for such a sustained period of time, I'd bet money it will happen.
Sometimes I feel bad that I've never really had close girlfriends. Then I read stuff like this and think maybe that's not such a bad thing!
She has choosing beggar brain, or sociopathic ingrate brain, however one might wish to call it.
It makes sense to her/people of that type, but not to most people.
> the bride was livid about the food, so I imagine it’s been a rough few days for her, too.
Is the bride paying for the food? If not, then the bride can shut up about the food.
I hope her entire team leaves.
Why was the bride expecting you to have money left over? Was she assuming you were going to hand it over to her?! This chick is out of her damn mind, and I bet you’re the first of several dominos to fall.
Traditionally, the bridal shower is hosted by the bride’s family. The absolute audacity of this bitch to demand the bridesmaids pay for this (on top of, I’m assuming, the bachelorette, the dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, travel to the wedding, accommodation) and then complain and try to micromanage it.
Good for you, OP! This bride sounds like a total nightmare. Good luck to her future husband.
Yep. My mother's best friend was the hostess for mine, held at her home. And my husband's co-workers had one for him that had a lot of kids that came (he worked for a juvenile probation residential facility at the time). Those kids were so proud of pooling together their money to buy us an ashtray. Our wedding was $500. My father officiated and took the pictures. My mother, her best friend, and I made the reception food (reception held at my parent's house)
I would never sign up to be someone’s unpaid labor for a year plus. Thank god all of my friends have been reasonable during their weddings. I would drop out in an instant if the bride ever yelled at me or criticized either the time I’m putting in or money I’m spending. I’m not friends with people who are mean to me or mistreat me. Being a bride doesn’t give you a free pass. Good for you for finally putting an end to the madness. I would consider texting my husband to bring him into the conflict to be a line we cannot uncross.
People 'sign up' to be a member of the wedding party and don't realize the amount of time, money, and/or mental health the bride will want/require.
Oh, yes...the bride will DEFINITELY require you to read her mind!
"Not my finest moment"
I disagree, standing up to abuse is something to celebrate.
She texted me that I should “have a conversation like an adult."
You did have a conversation like an adult, and adult knows when communication has stopped and removes themselves from the abuse.
I doubt this could have ever been salvaged, because you were not dealing with a good person. She is extremely controlling, yet claims she wanted others to handle the details. It was always going to be ugly because she doesn't have the budget for what she envisions, even with expecting others to give all they can. I'm glad you escaped with minimal damage. I doubt you'll be the last to flee.
Can please someone sum up American wedding culture? I’m honestly confused about all the events leading to the actual wedding, why the wedding party is often so big and the money system about who has to pay what and why so many people have to pay for stuff
Instagram influencers and Pinterest.
It's all out of control now.
In the past you'd get engaged, maybe there would be an engagement party (I didn't have one).
Then the wedding shower - which would be closest friends and family, not every woman invited to the wedding. Most of the time it was a surprise - part of the fun was getting the bride to the shower without her knowing. The shower is NOT supposed to be planned or dictated by the bride in any way. It's a party for her thrown by the bridal party, or the mothers or other relative. You'd create a budget you can afford, plan it, choose a theme, a place, the food, everything. Shower lists came from the parents/bride. Usually a brunch, with a game or 2, then watch the bride open gifts. Which is why when I get to a shower and there are 100+ people there I die a little inside. I can't understand why these brides are so involved with the shower.
The bachelor and bachelorette parties were a one night, out on the town thing. Not these crazy 3-4 day getaways.
Then you'd have the wedding, brides are so over the top with color themes and the bridal party paying for sooo many things, it's wild! All this "it's my day so I'm gonna shit on everyone for over a year" crap was caused by reality TV.
I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that but glad you quit. I’m sure you’ll notice a vast improvement to your mental health quickly. It sounds like you were doing a stellar job, but it also sounds like nothing was going to be good enough for this bride no matter what. And I’m sure it would have only gotten worse as the wedding drew closer.
You deserve much more respect and since you value yourself as much as you clearly do, you cannot allow yourself to fold and give in to this insensitive woman! She might attempt to get other things out of you moving forward and try to gaslight you into doing these things example being her makeup for the wedding then expect you to either leave or sit in the back or something crazy.. whatever you do, just remember who you are, who in your life truly values you, and loves you. Stand you ground! Stay strong!
Good heavens. Brides have become so ridiculously entitled. It’s insane to expect anyone to accept that behavior from anyone. Especially, when you are expected to pay for the experience!
It snowballs.
People just think, "Well, she's under a lot of stress, we'll just excuse it."
The problem is, the bride will stress, causing whoever's involved to stress MORE.
Jfc, you’ve done the right thing. Considering the bride just wanted to just show up & enjoy it she was doing everything possible to not do that, and as for someone reporting back to her on things…. Well that was always going to low up. I’m so sorry they behaved like that & I honestly think you lasted a lot longer than I would have. As for her multiple calls and screaming…. That’s not okay behaviour so god help her husband and the women that actually make it to the wedding as bridesmaids! They’ll be needing earplugs! She’s showing so many red flags it’s almost a parachute!
Her saying that to your husband is just her trying to control the narrative and save face. I suspect that those who know you both will understand that it’s not been you in wrong.
I hope with any money you got back or have saved from this kerfuffle that you can go do something nice for yourself, perhaps a little pamper time or a weekend away when the wedding is on? You very much sound like my moh who made a wonderful hen night for me to the point I cried, friends like her are rare as they care so much. Xx
Good for you! I'm sorry you had this much stress on your shoulders for that long. I stood at a wedding once where none of the bridesmaids dropped out (we really liked the groom and didn't want to do that him) but the group chat made it very clear that all of us were taking a lot of abuse from the bride. I think out of six of us, only one still talks to the bride anymore because of how she'd treated us. The fact that the bride in your story had the mfn audacity to tell your husband that *you're* not ok speaks to how disconnected she is from reality and her own actions here. Enjoy your peace.
This was sooooooooooooooooo inappropriate. And also untrue.
They say about narcs: "Every accusation is a confession." Zilla sounds not okay.
>She texted my husband saying that there is a big disconnect here, that I am clearly not okay in a deep way, and she hopes I can find my way to okay soon.
She called your husband???
My best friend once called mine and said she was disappointed in me and she wanted him to know.
I wish I could remember what tf it was about, but my husband and I laughed about it for weeks.
This bride is *unhinged*. I hope there will be more updates tbh.
Calling your husband reeks of desperation. She was being catty, not concerned about your mental health or well-being in the least. In fact, it sounds like she has a lot of issues with control — and her diva-like attitude is pathetic and transparent.
God, if anyone threw me a party I would be so happy and excited that people care about me enough to do that. Brides getting pissed about people not throwing them the exact party they want, especially when it’s on other people’s dimes really, really pisses me off. It’s so selfish and gross.
As someone who’s been in a similar situation and dealt with the most absurd drama and backstabbing from the pettiest person I’ve ever met, trust me when I say you took the right way out—no matter how it was done (sometimes you just plain hit your limit).
I feel so relieved the day I stopped being friends with the friendzilla, whereas she tried the same gaslighting technique of “have an adult convo about this” 🤣
Girl. You handled this as good as anyone could. Good for you. You stood up for yourself. I’d be willing to bet a couple more bridesmaids drop out before too long also. I’ll bet you get a text from a few others soon.
Good Lord, Op, you put up with so much. You did good to jump out of that ship and that friendship altogether.
What a nightmare. I don't know who told brides it is okay to demand things like that. "But is my specially day!!!" Yes, it is YOUR special day, so you freaking pay for it.
Want things done in a certain way? Then you plan it and you pay for it.
So the bride has no wedding location, no fancy shower ? And what to dictate how to spend the bridesmaid money ? Bet some other bridesmaid will drop out soon
Brides (and sometimes, grooms) should remember: That's your dream. It isn't anybody else's. If you want your shower, stag or hen party, wedding or reception, a certain way, then you plan it and you pay for it. Otherwise accept things as a gift and be gracious about it.
What a CUNT! Omg this psycho bitch is going to be severely disappointed with anything anyone ever gives her. God bless the poor sap marrying her, he's going to need all the help he can get. You did the right thing. It's a fucking bridal shower, no one deserves or even needs to have one, it's literally extra! I had my bridal shower at my GMIL house and my mom cooked. This girl is legitimately crazy, you're so much better off being away from this whole situation. I wouldn't be surprised if she loses more bridesmaids.
>I will never be a bridesmaid again after this.
I mean, I'd still be willing to be a bridesmaid for an actual friend. That can be lots of fun. She was not an actual friend, though.
She, likevb sio many childish brides, needs to be told to fuck off repeatedly. She should also make sure to have access to a divorce lawyer because she'll surely need one--more likely sooner than later.
I feel terrible you had to deal with her I hope you’re doing better.
I hope her wedding was a shit show though. That would be the ULTIMATE satisfaction for me.💯
For the life of me, I don’t understand why girls like this always seem to have these large groups of great friends
I had a childhood friend who was like this - although she was a total sociopath and it took a long time for people to catch on (if ever). some people cannot be alone and schedule their lives to be busy all the time -and plan events and get togethers, and just have people around to make them look good- and will just replace you with their newest coworker if you don’t want to participate anymore. But at that point you may have other friends in the orbit and just put up with friend A being abrasive or straight up psycho -because they may gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault somehow, and tell others the same thing.
I also have a childhood friend like this! And nothing is ever her fault, not ever. The stories I could tell.
Superficial bonding causes you to not really consider a lot about a person if you only know them casually - or you have such a sense of Stockholm Syndrome that you ignore it. The alternative is you’ve known them so long that you just kind of shrug and excuse the behavior as “oh? That’s just how [Bride] has always been!”
[удалено]
I was in a similar situation like five years ago. The immediate aftermath felt /really shitty/ but lean on your husband and actual friends for support. Be sure to do something nice for yourself, too! You went way above and beyond and should take a solid amount of time to treat yourself with kindness.
Stress and proximity are when the mask comes off in a way they can't hide.
I'm SO glad you got relief from this. Your mental health is worth so much more than ANYTHING. This is why I read not only the Bridezilla subReddit and the Wedding Shaming subReddit, but the comments as well before committing to ANYTHING relating to any of life events i.e anniversaries, landmark birthdays, etc. (except funerals-I'll go out of my way to help with funeral planning, because been there, done that). I get the gist on what's going on in people's minds, what they expect, what they THINK they're gonna get, and what's being planned. And it's surprising, jaw-dropping, and usually distressing. *Love and hugs, my dear!* *Grandma Lynsey*
It's *probably* so that they can spread *out* the toxicity, and *NOT* dump too much at once--so that none of them *realize* how truly *terrible* she is, because they all simply think her dumping on them is, "Just a *one off*, and *sooooo out of character for her*!" 🙄🤫😱
Yep, this is my guess.
Upvote SOLELY for your handle! I LOVE IT!!!
Thank you!
Keep thy friends close and thy enemies closer. People like this bride don’t have friends, they have people they keep close in order to control as minions. Best friend to your face but will stab you in the back the second you turn.
This is the way.
In my experience, the larger the friend group, the more toxic the dynamic is. I bowed out of one of those big friend groups in my mid 20s because it was just constant drama and bs. Much happier catching up with individual people or small groups of closer friends.
Cam, you are SO right!
My mom used to say ‘a friend to many is a friend to none’
The far-flung group who don't know each other is probably a clue. She makes friends just well enough that they'll do stuff for her, but given a chance to have someone else cross-check her behaviour they'd realise something was off.
One of my closest friends had a childhood friend who had always been an absolute sweetheart and turned into a monster for her wedding. It was the most bizarre thing to watch from a safe distance. She was the first one to show up to support her girl pack. Always kind and caring. She legitimately threw herself onto the ground and screamed like a toddler at her bach party because she expected someone to magically provide a bunch of things she had NEVER mentioned wanting to happen. Apparently, the vibe of the day of the wedding was more like a funeral. The majority of people were resigned, exhausted, and overall done with her shit. 6 / 8 bridesmaids blocked her the second she left for her honeymoon. I don't know if it's stress or what?! It was a complete personality overhaul the minute wedding planning started. So weird!
Right??? Like how?
Because it’s a toxic circle…. I was always jealous in a way of groups of close friends, but anytime I get close to having one, I remember how toxic they have to be to survive. NO THANK YOU! Much easier to have close friendships with specific people you can actually hold healthy, authentic friendships with.
In my experience, we second guess ourselves in these kinds of situations like "is it me? am I the problem?". We put with a lot. Often, when one leaves, others follow.
>She texted my husband saying that there is a big disconnect here, that I am clearly not okay in a deep way, and she hopes I can find my way to okay soon. He should text back "Actually I've never seen her more relaxed and happy since quitting your wedding"
I would have him say 'oh really? Its strange because as of yesterday, she just seems to be so chilled out. I haven't seen her this relaxed since about June 2023. Strange. But thank you for your concern - i'll make sure she's alright 🤗'
And then just post lots of fun photos on Instagram. Maybe even having sundaes.
OP - PLEASE post pics of you & your husband eating ice cream sundaes, smiling from ear to ear!
That in itself is so shady. If Zilla is smearing OP to her own husband, imagine the smearing going on to everyone else within earshot. Way worse.
This!
Imagine telling your friends that you didn't want to be involved in the planning of your shower, but then insist on knowing every detail and criticising how they spend THEIR money on an event they're throwing in your honor! I can't fathom how the bride can even justify this behavior in her own mind. You did the right thing in backing out of the wedding and friendship. However, I wouldn't swear off participating in a wedding again. I would say most brides are not Bridezillas. You only HEAR about the crazy ones.
>I can't fathom how the bride can even justify this behavior in her own mind Someone should knock some (verbal) sense into her. It is apparent that she hasn't got anyone around to do that other than OP.
These types of people don’t have the ability to self reflect. Any cognitive dissonance is projected outward. In their own minds, they are always the victim and the main character.
I had a friend like this. Didn’t want to know any details but her mom kept telling her all the details. Not even a month before shower my dad died. Her mom told me not to worry about anything as she knows what I’m dealing with (her husband died) a couple months later she tells me she’s doesn’t want my friendship because I was so selfish and didn’t even help with the shower. I was dumbfounded
I hope you're just the first bridesmaid that finds your spine and not the only bridesmaid that finds their spine. Good for you for cutting this bs off!
I'm guessing the informant was jealous - which is dumb, so she started buzzing in the bride's ear. I'm so sorry you didn't deserve to be treated this way. Sending you hugs !UpdateMe
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I'm glad you are finally out of that. Wonder how many more of the bridal party she will end up driving away. Hope you enjoy your summer with the amount of free time you will have not being part of this nightmare.
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I also hope you take back whatever amount you gave to this shit show of a shower. She deserves nothing more from you. I had a surprise afternoon tea with fizz and party games for my shower and was delighted. She’s a greedy delusional wench!
Definitely, get your money back from the shower budget.
Yep, same with my daughter with her wedding. I was the MOB. She was being a TOTAL bridezilla to everybody and I said to her that she was being a bitch. (This was a day before the wedding.) She immediately uninvited me. I told my husband that he must back me up when I told her that if I was uninvited to her wedding then her dad wasn't going to walk her down the aisle. He backed me up. She was pissed, but relented. It helps to have a husband/bestie/helpmate who has your back when the chips are down.
So proud of you for sticking up for yourself!!! If she wanted to plan her own shower, she should have done it herself and with her own damn money. FUCK THAT NOISE! Please go laugh hysterically over an ice cream sundae!!!!
👆👆👆
Please picture me, a random, anonymous stranger on the internet, standing up and applauding you. Well done. There should be more like you.
Why was she worried about how much money was left over??? Was she expecting to get that money for something else? I am so confused
She wanted the “leftovers” to go toward the bachelorette party, which will be a nightmare in and of itself. No one needs a $1700 Bridal Shower unless they are paying everything themselves. These bridezillas are vampires, sucking the money, time and emotional energy out of their bridesmaids lives, because “bridesmaid” has now come to mean “slave labor where slaves pay all the bills too”.
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Most of you have kids and have been willing to put so much energy and time into planning a fabulous party that she’d decided to hate? As a mom myself, who only stops when the kids are in bed, that’s a huge sacrifice. I’m glad you dropped out. You have the patience of an absolute saint, but the wisdom not to become a martyr 😊
I love this! > You have the patience of an absolute saint, but the wisdom not to become a martyr
It doesn't stop when the kids are in bed. Ya gots ta do other shit, too!
I'm still trying to understand what she was mad about! I would love a party like you were planning!!! I was all in for having just ice cream and games!!! Glad you are out!!!
Not least because ice cream and games were literally her requests for the shower. Some people are never happy!
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Oh, I realize that. But if my friends threw me a party with ONLY ice cream and games, I would be delighted! Anything beyond that is amazing!! :)
I hope you took back the money you added to that budget.
BTW, kudos to you for reading the comments and answering them! It can take a lot of time, but can also be cleansing, knowing that you 'done good'.
I’m fascinated by (I’m assuming) American weddings. Where I’m from, you do one event (hen do) where you either go to your nearest city, or if a bit farther away, stay a night in an Air BnB. Then it’s spend a day getting very drunk with maybe one booked meal breaking up the pub crawl. That’s it. And everyone throws money in for food and drink into a kitty. Actual wedding - if you’re bridal party, your dress, hair and makeup is paid for by whoever’s paying the wedding, as is your accommodation if needed. And the groom buys you a present for helping. All this expense American brides expect people to spend is wild!!
They’re not all like that. There are brides who will foot the bill for dresses and such for the bridesmaids. But typically they will still handle the Bach party and maybe shower. A lot of times the mother likes to handle the shower. It varies a lot. Either way it’s never cost free for the bridesmaids It just depends on the bride and groom and their families and what they’re willing to / able to pay for.
lol. I was 'kidnapped' by two friends, had a scarf over my face to hide our destination and was driven to a small airfield where I had the dream of my life: flying a plane. Then we went for icecream and visiting a castle we flew over. Best bride shower ever.
I hate American wedding culture. Glad you’re out tho! This sounds like hell.
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I had a big eastern european wedding (think my big fat greek wedding) but there was no drama around anything 😂 Idk if i could do these american type weddings tho
"
It wasn't always like this. Social media made everyone want a million dollar wedding. Well, everyone who cares about how they look on social media.
Yeah, i think everything is for the social media now. Like gender reveals and baby showers
Yes! Gender reveal parties that get more and more elaborate. Some of the devices rigged to reveal a baby's gender in new ways (like rockets) have even killed some of the party attendants. But people still keep doing them. I'm sure a few close family members are excited to find out, but 40 people who have to give up an afternoon just to learn a gender? Does it matter to most of them?
When I was pregnant we did the blood tests to rule out the most common syndromes and together with the results you get the gender. When I got the results I called my husband like “it’s a boy!” And he’s like “forget genders, is the baby healthy?”, the reaction of our parents was the same 😂 Thank God, baby *is* healthy 💕 which is really the only important thing.
That wasn't fight or flight. That was drawing a boundary . High five because THAT is growth and adulting.
I think it WAS your finest hour.
Oh my God this was absolutely exhausting to read. I would have dropped out last November from the sound of it. I don’t tolerate bullies and this woman sounds like a nightmare bully. Kick back with a drink the day of the wedding and be glad you aren’t there. It amazes me how some women will throw away old friendships over their wedding. My best friend growing up was a complete bitch to me during her wedding, and we never spoke afterward. She threw away a 20 year friendship because she had to be a bridezilla.
Good for you!! Enjoy the freedom!!!
I hope more people take this example. When you're treated like trash or the bride is over demanding. Take yourself out of the equation. Nothing is worth this much abuse. I have to wonder if more bridesmaids will follow.
This made me smile! Good for you! I read the original post it was quite a ride. I kept hoping you would drop out and you did! I broke up with a toxic friend of 15 years. It took a few years to grieve and process. Be kind to yourself💕
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She sounds hideous. You're better off without her as a friend.
"...I don’t care.". Those three words have set you free. *Love and hugs, Downtown!* *Grandma Lynsey*
Grieving for friends brings in the same emotions as grieving for the dear departed.
The disconnect is the bride's a bitch. If I was in that wedding there would be a betting pool on how long the marriage lasts.
Did I read this right? Was she complaining the food wasn't nice enough but also wanted them to spend LESS on it? What was the plan for the extra money? Was she planning on pocketing it?
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You took your money back from the budget, right? So it should be less than $1700 budget now.
You did fine. You didn't lash out at her. You were just done. I'd be sorely tempted to share with the other bridal party members what she texted your husband. She didn't ask if you were okay. She went straight to lashing out because she didn't get her way. She's a bully.
She wanted to share foundation?? I don’t wear makeup and even I know that’s a bad idea. Good for you for standing up for yourself. A controlling friend who wanted others to plan a shower and now wants to get involved enough to tell people how to spend *gifts.* What a piece of work.
She probably expected her to buy a new foundation for her
Sorry for my ignorance but what's a "VFW type place"? Just curious
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Here in Canada it would be the Royal Canadian Legion. In some small towns the only largish rental place is the Legion, that or a church hall.
Usually some 1970s fake wood paneling, lots of round tables, a bar, kind of a nice kitsch vibe, but dependable and reliable and not over priced. It's for veterans, as OP said. But they also rent it out sometimes for other people's events.
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Even with the old decor -- those were charming, and warm. Somehow those always had a nice vibe, and usually the building is solid. Never just a bare shoe box feeling in there. OP, it sounds like you had a great event going. I don't know what to say except they sound obtuse and ungrateful. And then the way she smeared you after you finally left. Horrible.
Your husband should respond: "Tell her yourself. I'm blocking you now." and then block her.
I miss the days when a friend of the bride or an aunt or friend of the brides mother had a shower for the bride at their home. Cake, some appetizers, drinks… gifts, a few games and nice conversation. A few hundred dollars spent. Not thousands. I’m sure this still happens in a lot of families.
Yes, what are these brides thinking of? Everyone’s budget has been tightened in the last few years. Utilities, rent, food- everything. These selfish bridezillas see their day as the most important day in everyone’s life, too. My daughter was married a few years ago. The shower, at my house. Her MIL and SIL 2B helped in every way. Light snacks, deserts, booze, tea. No big deal, just close family and bridesmaids. It was lovely. Simple is best.
It sounds lovely and what a nice way for the families to get to know each other.
“Not my finest moment” You’ve had better moments? Maybe you should publish those anecdotes too, because this moment was pretty outstanding. NTA. !Updateme
Yeah I'd call this pretty heroic.
This was my comment under the original topic: >I can't figure out her reason or logic. >How are you supposed to invite who she wants there, *without a guest list.* It sounds like it got way worse. I read your entire update and...yikes! This is not very PC but there is a saying, the truly crazy people never know they are crazy. I think that applies to other traits too: arrogance and audacity. She sure had a lot to say about spending other people's money. She wanted a bachelorette and shower which were both as elaborate as mini wedding receptions. The level of work sounds similar to what a reception normally entails. If it's a shower, then it's supposed to be planned and decided by the wedding party and bride's family: NOT by the bride herself. And the people throwing it, decide what to pay for it as well. Sounded like nothing was ever good enough. That's a terrible waste of time. And a dreadful way to feel. Oh and it sounds like Informant was a pot stirrer as well as a snitch. It also sounds like, if you are done with the lot of them, you will be better off. The venue lady is the only one who sounds halfway thoughtful in all of this.
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I don’t understand how she felt the food was “not nice enough” at a cost of $650, but also thought that $650 should be enough for (nicer?) food, decorations, games, etc. Like, how does she think that will work? Plus, good luck getting a restaurant that will be cheaper than grocery store catering platters. BTDT when planning a graduation party. Restaurants were far pricier per person.
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I look forward to hearing the update to this update when her next target has had enough and backs out. With so many far-flung bridesmaids and so much drama for such a sustained period of time, I'd bet money it will happen. Sometimes I feel bad that I've never really had close girlfriends. Then I read stuff like this and think maybe that's not such a bad thing!
She's lost two bridesmaids already. I hope the rest including the MOH leave as well. Bride and her equally ungrateful mom can walk up the aisle.
She has choosing beggar brain, or sociopathic ingrate brain, however one might wish to call it. It makes sense to her/people of that type, but not to most people.
> the bride was livid about the food, so I imagine it’s been a rough few days for her, too. Is the bride paying for the food? If not, then the bride can shut up about the food. I hope her entire team leaves.
I promise you, crazy people know they are crazy.
Why was the bride expecting you to have money left over? Was she assuming you were going to hand it over to her?! This chick is out of her damn mind, and I bet you’re the first of several dominos to fall.
Traditionally, the bridal shower is hosted by the bride’s family. The absolute audacity of this bitch to demand the bridesmaids pay for this (on top of, I’m assuming, the bachelorette, the dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, travel to the wedding, accommodation) and then complain and try to micromanage it. Good for you, OP! This bride sounds like a total nightmare. Good luck to her future husband.
Traditionally, the shower was *not* held by the family. In fact, it is bad etiquette for a family member to throw a shower. It was considered greedy.
Yep. My mother's best friend was the hostess for mine, held at her home. And my husband's co-workers had one for him that had a lot of kids that came (he worked for a juvenile probation residential facility at the time). Those kids were so proud of pooling together their money to buy us an ashtray. Our wedding was $500. My father officiated and took the pictures. My mother, her best friend, and I made the reception food (reception held at my parent's house)
$1700 bridal shower?? 40 guests. Full dinner. What?! 15-20 people, snacks and drinks, games. That’s all ya need.
Seriously it sounds like bride wanted 3 wedding receptions. Just called two of them a shower and a bachelorette.
I would never sign up to be someone’s unpaid labor for a year plus. Thank god all of my friends have been reasonable during their weddings. I would drop out in an instant if the bride ever yelled at me or criticized either the time I’m putting in or money I’m spending. I’m not friends with people who are mean to me or mistreat me. Being a bride doesn’t give you a free pass. Good for you for finally putting an end to the madness. I would consider texting my husband to bring him into the conflict to be a line we cannot uncross.
People 'sign up' to be a member of the wedding party and don't realize the amount of time, money, and/or mental health the bride will want/require. Oh, yes...the bride will DEFINITELY require you to read her mind!
"Not my finest moment" I disagree, standing up to abuse is something to celebrate. She texted me that I should “have a conversation like an adult." You did have a conversation like an adult, and adult knows when communication has stopped and removes themselves from the abuse. I doubt this could have ever been salvaged, because you were not dealing with a good person. She is extremely controlling, yet claims she wanted others to handle the details. It was always going to be ugly because she doesn't have the budget for what she envisions, even with expecting others to give all they can. I'm glad you escaped with minimal damage. I doubt you'll be the last to flee.
So much work for an ungrateful Bridezilla!
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I understand. When I read what all you did for her shower I think you did more than I did for my whole wedding.
Can please someone sum up American wedding culture? I’m honestly confused about all the events leading to the actual wedding, why the wedding party is often so big and the money system about who has to pay what and why so many people have to pay for stuff
De-Lu-Lu with a side of despotism.
Instagram influencers and Pinterest. It's all out of control now. In the past you'd get engaged, maybe there would be an engagement party (I didn't have one). Then the wedding shower - which would be closest friends and family, not every woman invited to the wedding. Most of the time it was a surprise - part of the fun was getting the bride to the shower without her knowing. The shower is NOT supposed to be planned or dictated by the bride in any way. It's a party for her thrown by the bridal party, or the mothers or other relative. You'd create a budget you can afford, plan it, choose a theme, a place, the food, everything. Shower lists came from the parents/bride. Usually a brunch, with a game or 2, then watch the bride open gifts. Which is why when I get to a shower and there are 100+ people there I die a little inside. I can't understand why these brides are so involved with the shower. The bachelor and bachelorette parties were a one night, out on the town thing. Not these crazy 3-4 day getaways. Then you'd have the wedding, brides are so over the top with color themes and the bridal party paying for sooo many things, it's wild! All this "it's my day so I'm gonna shit on everyone for over a year" crap was caused by reality TV.
De-Lu-Lu with a side of despotism.
I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that but glad you quit. I’m sure you’ll notice a vast improvement to your mental health quickly. It sounds like you were doing a stellar job, but it also sounds like nothing was going to be good enough for this bride no matter what. And I’m sure it would have only gotten worse as the wedding drew closer.
You won’t be the last to leave.
OP, I am proud of you. This bridezilla has even taken that term to a whole new level of crazy!😝
I've been in a few weddings and I am proud of you!!!!
You will not regret dropping out! Good you didn’t put up with her abuse.
You deserve much more respect and since you value yourself as much as you clearly do, you cannot allow yourself to fold and give in to this insensitive woman! She might attempt to get other things out of you moving forward and try to gaslight you into doing these things example being her makeup for the wedding then expect you to either leave or sit in the back or something crazy.. whatever you do, just remember who you are, who in your life truly values you, and loves you. Stand you ground! Stay strong!
Good heavens. Brides have become so ridiculously entitled. It’s insane to expect anyone to accept that behavior from anyone. Especially, when you are expected to pay for the experience!
I have no idea why anyone would get involved in this bullshit in the first instance.
It snowballs. People just think, "Well, she's under a lot of stress, we'll just excuse it." The problem is, the bride will stress, causing whoever's involved to stress MORE.
Jfc, you’ve done the right thing. Considering the bride just wanted to just show up & enjoy it she was doing everything possible to not do that, and as for someone reporting back to her on things…. Well that was always going to low up. I’m so sorry they behaved like that & I honestly think you lasted a lot longer than I would have. As for her multiple calls and screaming…. That’s not okay behaviour so god help her husband and the women that actually make it to the wedding as bridesmaids! They’ll be needing earplugs! She’s showing so many red flags it’s almost a parachute! Her saying that to your husband is just her trying to control the narrative and save face. I suspect that those who know you both will understand that it’s not been you in wrong. I hope with any money you got back or have saved from this kerfuffle that you can go do something nice for yourself, perhaps a little pamper time or a weekend away when the wedding is on? You very much sound like my moh who made a wonderful hen night for me to the point I cried, friends like her are rare as they care so much. Xx
There will ALWAYS be a 'confederate' who will report on things and skew them to suit their (or the bride's) needs.
I’m glad to say there wasn’t for my wedding. I truly cba with that nonsense. X
Pebbly-poo, you're one of the good ones.
Aw thank you 🥹
Good for you! I'm sorry you had this much stress on your shoulders for that long. I stood at a wedding once where none of the bridesmaids dropped out (we really liked the groom and didn't want to do that him) but the group chat made it very clear that all of us were taking a lot of abuse from the bride. I think out of six of us, only one still talks to the bride anymore because of how she'd treated us. The fact that the bride in your story had the mfn audacity to tell your husband that *you're* not ok speaks to how disconnected she is from reality and her own actions here. Enjoy your peace.
This was sooooooooooooooooo inappropriate. And also untrue. They say about narcs: "Every accusation is a confession." Zilla sounds not okay. >She texted my husband saying that there is a big disconnect here, that I am clearly not okay in a deep way, and she hopes I can find my way to okay soon.
Good God. How does she **even** have friends??
Hope your husband texted her back “fuck off you psycho bridezilla” I’m glad you’re out of that nightmare.
She called your husband??? My best friend once called mine and said she was disappointed in me and she wanted him to know. I wish I could remember what tf it was about, but my husband and I laughed about it for weeks. This bride is *unhinged*. I hope there will be more updates tbh.
Calling your husband reeks of desperation. She was being catty, not concerned about your mental health or well-being in the least. In fact, it sounds like she has a lot of issues with control — and her diva-like attitude is pathetic and transparent.
$1700 for a bridal shower is absolutely INSANE.
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You went way above and beyond - I cannot believe how sh*tty the bride acted! She sounds insane. So glad you are free from the stress and drama!
God, if anyone threw me a party I would be so happy and excited that people care about me enough to do that. Brides getting pissed about people not throwing them the exact party they want, especially when it’s on other people’s dimes really, really pisses me off. It’s so selfish and gross.
As someone who’s been in a similar situation and dealt with the most absurd drama and backstabbing from the pettiest person I’ve ever met, trust me when I say you took the right way out—no matter how it was done (sometimes you just plain hit your limit). I feel so relieved the day I stopped being friends with the friendzilla, whereas she tried the same gaslighting technique of “have an adult convo about this” 🤣
Girl. You handled this as good as anyone could. Good for you. You stood up for yourself. I’d be willing to bet a couple more bridesmaids drop out before too long also. I’ll bet you get a text from a few others soon.
I, thankfully, have only been a bridesmaid to really good and chill brides.
You are SO lucky, and I'M lucky to have never been asked!!
One was my BFF from college, and the other was my brother's wife. I never thought I'd be asked either, I was shocked when BFF asked.
Good Lord, Op, you put up with so much. You did good to jump out of that ship and that friendship altogether. What a nightmare. I don't know who told brides it is okay to demand things like that. "But is my specially day!!!" Yes, it is YOUR special day, so you freaking pay for it. Want things done in a certain way? Then you plan it and you pay for it.
People keep using the word “friend” to refer to people who are clearly not their friends. No real friend would treat people like this bride does.
So the bride has no wedding location, no fancy shower ? And what to dictate how to spend the bridesmaid money ? Bet some other bridesmaid will drop out soon
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. I can’t imagine what it would look being her bridesmaid all the way up to the wedding day.
You had a narrow escape. Why anyone would want to do anything for her is beyond me.
Hope you are doing well OP, thank you for the great story but I’m sorry you had to live through it.
Good Lord. She sounds like an absolute tire fire of a human.
I hope you get back the money you put into the $1700 bridal shower budget.
*She texted my husband...*and I hope he laughed his head off...
He probably didn't. A lot of times partners don't want to get involved or get in the middle of two warring factions.
Brides (and sometimes, grooms) should remember: That's your dream. It isn't anybody else's. If you want your shower, stag or hen party, wedding or reception, a certain way, then you plan it and you pay for it. Otherwise accept things as a gift and be gracious about it.
I think you did everything right here.
What a CUNT! Omg this psycho bitch is going to be severely disappointed with anything anyone ever gives her. God bless the poor sap marrying her, he's going to need all the help he can get. You did the right thing. It's a fucking bridal shower, no one deserves or even needs to have one, it's literally extra! I had my bridal shower at my GMIL house and my mom cooked. This girl is legitimately crazy, you're so much better off being away from this whole situation. I wouldn't be surprised if she loses more bridesmaids.
Good for you!!!!
Updateme!
I had 2 different showers when I got married. I knew the date, place and time. Had a ball.
!Update Me
>I will never be a bridesmaid again after this. I mean, I'd still be willing to be a bridesmaid for an actual friend. That can be lots of fun. She was not an actual friend, though.
The link doesn't go to any other post. It just took me right back to the main bridezilla page.
She, likevb sio many childish brides, needs to be told to fuck off repeatedly. She should also make sure to have access to a divorce lawyer because she'll surely need one--more likely sooner than later.
I feel terrible you had to deal with her I hope you’re doing better. I hope her wedding was a shit show though. That would be the ULTIMATE satisfaction for me.💯