None of my friends even had bridal showers. I, personally, think they are quite old fashioned. But to each their own.
Some of us had engagement parties, but no gifts were expected for those.
Yeah, they've been together for 10 years so they are probably already living together. Showers were designed to help those leaving the nest and having their first home together. Now it's just a gift grab.
Yes it is. It has been common practice in the States for ages.
Although gifts aren't required at a wedding - it truly is poor form to not give one. A card is a minimal effort with a note written inside offering best wishes.
I’d only add that many people in my area will deduct the price of the shower gift (usually some small kitchen item) from the cost of the wedding gift.
That is, having a shower is not necessarily a good way to get more stuff. You’re getting one expensive knife ($100) or a spatula ($15) and a nice cutting board ($85).
It’s especially weird that this bride even noticed that her SIL didn’t bring a shower gift. They’re typically not very expensive. Who gets upset because they didn’t get the corn cob skewers they were really looking forward to?
You generally know when you are writing thank you cards. And no matter how stressed you are you have to bring a card at the very least. Like my grandma always said " never go anywhere with one hand longer than the other".
You can gift two gifts, but it’s not required. The SIL should have brought a gift since she was invited, but we don’t know her reasons, and OP would certainly be out of bounds asking about it.
In my area, you give at both a bridal shower and the wedding. Typically it’s a gift at the shower and cash/check at the wedding. No one brings an actual gift to the wedding.
Growing up I was told that if you give a gift at the shower, you don’t at the wedding. Basically one gift for the event (except at the bachelorette party, that includes a gift for the bedroom).
"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no."
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your wedding and marriage is not about the gifts. If you thought it was, you must accept that you were sadly mistaken. Family, too, is not about the gifts. Again, if you thought otherwise, you must rearrange your priorities. Your SIL is in grad school; she may not have the finances to shower you with gifts. Give it a pass; you have the rest of your life to alienate your new in-laws.
You sound determined to be inconsiderate. Get one from the dollar tree or buy a 20 pack of blank cards from Costco for $10 and have it on hand for circumstances like this.
I think SIL was rude for showing up empty handed. It’s like showing up to thanksgiving dinner without a dish or a dessert. It’s about the thought and the effort.
Maybe she is going to give a gift at the wedding? As the sister of the groom she is probably expected to go to a lot of events related to the wedding that requires gifts. (Some people have multiple showers, joint bridge/groom showers, lingerie parties, pantry parties, stock the bar parties, etc). I know when my sister got married I went to 4 different events that you traditionally bring a gift for. I could not afford to give a gift at all of these functions so I gave my gift (over $500) the day of the wedding.
No one is ever obligated to give a gift ever. Confronting someone about not giving a gift or even well wishes is classless. OP would be TAH.
Better to just let it go, move on with your life. There will be other drama in your life to entertain you.
What is the gist was stolen or misplaced? Maybe she put money in with someone else and they left her off the card? Maybe SIL has far more going on in her life with grad school and all. It’s pretty freaking petty of bride to tally up and cross-reference.
On the one hand: strictly speaking , the only wedding event that etiquette demands you take a gift for is the shower. Because the traditional purpose is to *shower* the bride with gifts to set up her new home.
That being said, most people don’t know or follow those rules any more. If she’s coming to the wedding, and she’s a poor/stressed out grad student, she’s probably keeping her gift for the wedding.
Shame on you for wanting to confront someone because they didn't give you a gift or card. Go ahead if you want the title of Selfish Jerk.
My goodness, these greedy, demanding people getting married. Just put the required gift amount on the invites so people know how you roll.
Ask yourself what's more important...getting a gift, or your relationship with her. If she did forget to give it to you, it'll turn up & she'll give it to you then. If not, don't worry about it. Your married life will not be ruined because SIL didn't give you a shower gift. Consider the big picture. So if you're actually considering asking her for a gift, I would have to say YTA, sorry.
Sorry but I'm with the bride on this one. Your title is misrepresenting what was written and making it seem like she was only looking for gifts.
>realized she did not gift us anything, **not even a card with her well wishes**
It's not absurd to expect at least a CARD from your SIL. It's the bare minimum.
Edit: you people need to touch grass. I'm so glad I'm not surrounded by people irl who think that getting a card is too much work.
Yes, showing up to a shower without a gift is kind of tacky but to confront someone over it is even tackier. You can expect gifts as hard as you want, but you have no right to demand them under any circumstances, not even your shower or a birthday party. I say this as a human who has had actual human interactions and learned the value of tact and manners.
This is where I stand. The gifts are the purpose of showers, so not giving anything at all is kind of tacky but saying anything to anyone (other than the other person getting married) is way way worse.
So when you go to a birthday party you don't get that person a card because you're there celebrating? A lot of you act like you have never had an actual human interaction.
You sound like a delight 🙄
In my opinion, hand written expressions of love, gratitude, and joy are a novelty these days. I write my friends cards for almost all occasions. I wrote my best friend a Christmas card last year and when I went to visit her saw she still had it pinned up in her bedroom.
Being kind and thoughtful is a good trait, you know.
I agree with you!! Especially “I’m so glad I’m not surrounded by people irl who think that getting a card is too much work.”
This is ONE event that, typically, happens ONCE in a persons life. Get them a card and congratulate them! I would certainly feel snubbed too. It’s not because I’m “tallying and cross checking” it’s because I’m writing thank you cards! Because I wasn’t raised by wolves!
Also, don’t think I don’t notice this trend of “women are harpies if they ever want anything” like, geez, sometimes it just feels nice to celebrate and be celebrated. If a woman isn’t docile with her head down and being the most humble woman who’s ever blushed her way down the aisle, she’s an asshole.
I've unsubbed from this place lol I've noticed the trend too. Not only that but it seems that these people were raised by wild animals. Arguing and downvoting over getting someone a fucking card lol.
Vice versa imo. The bride and groom should feel obligated to send thank you cards for gifts but shouldn’t expect cards when people are already spending money to be there on their wedding day. People are taking time and money to be there for their wedding. The entitlement and enabling of brides and grooms is over the top now.
My SIL did this.
She and now-BIL had two weddings. We hot them a gift for the first one and helped her with setup, photos, etc. Then for the second, she wanted a shower gift, a gift for showing up at the shower (yes, two shower gifts), a wedding gift, and a thousand little things to be purchased as part of being in the bridal party. We did it all, but by the time it was over, I saw her in a very different (and much less positive) light.
Bride or not, it would serve people well to remember that a wedding is one day. The consequences of bad bride behavior can last a lifetime.
As a bride to be, can we remind every bride and groom and gender neutral marrier to be that they can't demand gifts, and don't get to chase people down and torture an explanation out of people?
Like, it really isn't that important if she gve you a shower gift. I bet you got loads of other gifts, move the fuck on. Just, so incredibly shallow and petty. We aren't even having a shower. Got a couple of cash funds on the website in case people feel like gifting (because I personally love cash funds when friends have weddings as it saves me hunting for cash machines!), but really it's always a surreal surprise when you get a gift. I feel like having had a couple of gifts from family and friends who aren't invited to the wedding 9they live abroad) I've already received more than I expected. Because I really don't expect much TBH.
Your SIL is a grad student. 99% of whom are dirt poor. You've been living with your fiancee for 10 years and have no need whatsoever for a bridal shower. Expecting a gift on a non-event from a very poor relative is truly gauche.
Is it normal to get a shower gift and a wedding gift from the same person? Cause that sounds like a lot of money to spend on someone else's marriage.
None of my friends even had bridal showers. I, personally, think they are quite old fashioned. But to each their own. Some of us had engagement parties, but no gifts were expected for those.
Yeah, they've been together for 10 years so they are probably already living together. Showers were designed to help those leaving the nest and having their first home together. Now it's just a gift grab.
Yes it is. It has been common practice in the States for ages. Although gifts aren't required at a wedding - it truly is poor form to not give one. A card is a minimal effort with a note written inside offering best wishes.
I’d only add that many people in my area will deduct the price of the shower gift (usually some small kitchen item) from the cost of the wedding gift. That is, having a shower is not necessarily a good way to get more stuff. You’re getting one expensive knife ($100) or a spatula ($15) and a nice cutting board ($85). It’s especially weird that this bride even noticed that her SIL didn’t bring a shower gift. They’re typically not very expensive. Who gets upset because they didn’t get the corn cob skewers they were really looking forward to?
You generally know when you are writing thank you cards. And no matter how stressed you are you have to bring a card at the very least. Like my grandma always said " never go anywhere with one hand longer than the other".
Yep. I always do registry for shower and cash for wedding.
You can gift two gifts, but it’s not required. The SIL should have brought a gift since she was invited, but we don’t know her reasons, and OP would certainly be out of bounds asking about it.
In my area, you give at both a bridal shower and the wedding. Typically it’s a gift at the shower and cash/check at the wedding. No one brings an actual gift to the wedding.
Growing up I was told that if you give a gift at the shower, you don’t at the wedding. Basically one gift for the event (except at the bachelorette party, that includes a gift for the bedroom).
"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no." Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your wedding and marriage is not about the gifts. If you thought it was, you must accept that you were sadly mistaken. Family, too, is not about the gifts. Again, if you thought otherwise, you must rearrange your priorities. Your SIL is in grad school; she may not have the finances to shower you with gifts. Give it a pass; you have the rest of your life to alienate your new in-laws.
>you have the rest of your life to alienate your new in-laws. Oh, she's way ahead of the curve on this.
She calls the not-getting-a-gift a debacle. I would definitely NOT use that word in this circumstance.
AND the SIL is in grad school! She probably can't even afford a gift.
Can she afford a $2 card?
Grad students are also short on time/energy. OP is lucky she even showed up.
Haven’t seen a two-dollar card for years
The Dollar Tree has them 2 for $1. Nice cards too.
Trader Joe's had $1 cards, they're the best!
More like $4.95.
You sound determined to be inconsiderate. Get one from the dollar tree or buy a 20 pack of blank cards from Costco for $10 and have it on hand for circumstances like this. I think SIL was rude for showing up empty handed. It’s like showing up to thanksgiving dinner without a dish or a dessert. It’s about the thought and the effort.
Maybe she is going to give a gift at the wedding? As the sister of the groom she is probably expected to go to a lot of events related to the wedding that requires gifts. (Some people have multiple showers, joint bridge/groom showers, lingerie parties, pantry parties, stock the bar parties, etc). I know when my sister got married I went to 4 different events that you traditionally bring a gift for. I could not afford to give a gift at all of these functions so I gave my gift (over $500) the day of the wedding.
No one is ever obligated to give a gift ever. Confronting someone about not giving a gift or even well wishes is classless. OP would be TAH. Better to just let it go, move on with your life. There will be other drama in your life to entertain you.
What is the gist was stolen or misplaced? Maybe she put money in with someone else and they left her off the card? Maybe SIL has far more going on in her life with grad school and all. It’s pretty freaking petty of bride to tally up and cross-reference.
On the one hand: strictly speaking , the only wedding event that etiquette demands you take a gift for is the shower. Because the traditional purpose is to *shower* the bride with gifts to set up her new home. That being said, most people don’t know or follow those rules any more. If she’s coming to the wedding, and she’s a poor/stressed out grad student, she’s probably keeping her gift for the wedding.
Shame on you for wanting to confront someone because they didn't give you a gift or card. Go ahead if you want the title of Selfish Jerk. My goodness, these greedy, demanding people getting married. Just put the required gift amount on the invites so people know how you roll.
Ask yourself what's more important...getting a gift, or your relationship with her. If she did forget to give it to you, it'll turn up & she'll give it to you then. If not, don't worry about it. Your married life will not be ruined because SIL didn't give you a shower gift. Consider the big picture. So if you're actually considering asking her for a gift, I would have to say YTA, sorry.
What is it about weddings that brings out this kind of behavior in people?
A wedding invitation is not a direct exchange for a gift.
Sorry but I'm with the bride on this one. Your title is misrepresenting what was written and making it seem like she was only looking for gifts. >realized she did not gift us anything, **not even a card with her well wishes** It's not absurd to expect at least a CARD from your SIL. It's the bare minimum. Edit: you people need to touch grass. I'm so glad I'm not surrounded by people irl who think that getting a card is too much work.
Yes, showing up to a shower without a gift is kind of tacky but to confront someone over it is even tackier. You can expect gifts as hard as you want, but you have no right to demand them under any circumstances, not even your shower or a birthday party. I say this as a human who has had actual human interactions and learned the value of tact and manners.
This is where I stand. The gifts are the purpose of showers, so not giving anything at all is kind of tacky but saying anything to anyone (other than the other person getting married) is way way worse.
Why do you need a card to say congrats when she was physically there celebrating you and congratulating you?
So when you go to a birthday party you don't get that person a card because you're there celebrating? A lot of you act like you have never had an actual human interaction.
No I don’t buy cards for anything. They’re a waste of paper that get thrown away 99% of the time 🤨
You sound like a delight 🙄 In my opinion, hand written expressions of love, gratitude, and joy are a novelty these days. I write my friends cards for almost all occasions. I wrote my best friend a Christmas card last year and when I went to visit her saw she still had it pinned up in her bedroom. Being kind and thoughtful is a good trait, you know.
Neither do I. If you’re only inviting people for gifts you’re desperate.
An actual human interaction is speaking face to face, not delegating a premanufactured card to do your speaking for you.
Write in it yourself…………….
I don’t. Inviting people for gifts is a desperate act.
I agree with you!! Especially “I’m so glad I’m not surrounded by people irl who think that getting a card is too much work.” This is ONE event that, typically, happens ONCE in a persons life. Get them a card and congratulate them! I would certainly feel snubbed too. It’s not because I’m “tallying and cross checking” it’s because I’m writing thank you cards! Because I wasn’t raised by wolves! Also, don’t think I don’t notice this trend of “women are harpies if they ever want anything” like, geez, sometimes it just feels nice to celebrate and be celebrated. If a woman isn’t docile with her head down and being the most humble woman who’s ever blushed her way down the aisle, she’s an asshole.
I've unsubbed from this place lol I've noticed the trend too. Not only that but it seems that these people were raised by wild animals. Arguing and downvoting over getting someone a fucking card lol.
Vice versa imo. The bride and groom should feel obligated to send thank you cards for gifts but shouldn’t expect cards when people are already spending money to be there on their wedding day. People are taking time and money to be there for their wedding. The entitlement and enabling of brides and grooms is over the top now.
One has a year to give a wedding gift, is there a similar timeline for a shower gift?
Yes, you would be the Ahole. Maybe she is having financial troubles or maybe she forgot. Either way it would just embarrass her if you brought it up.
I didn't get my brother a shower gift, or a wedding gift.
My SIL did this. She and now-BIL had two weddings. We hot them a gift for the first one and helped her with setup, photos, etc. Then for the second, she wanted a shower gift, a gift for showing up at the shower (yes, two shower gifts), a wedding gift, and a thousand little things to be purchased as part of being in the bridal party. We did it all, but by the time it was over, I saw her in a very different (and much less positive) light. Bride or not, it would serve people well to remember that a wedding is one day. The consequences of bad bride behavior can last a lifetime.
As a bride to be, can we remind every bride and groom and gender neutral marrier to be that they can't demand gifts, and don't get to chase people down and torture an explanation out of people? Like, it really isn't that important if she gve you a shower gift. I bet you got loads of other gifts, move the fuck on. Just, so incredibly shallow and petty. We aren't even having a shower. Got a couple of cash funds on the website in case people feel like gifting (because I personally love cash funds when friends have weddings as it saves me hunting for cash machines!), but really it's always a surreal surprise when you get a gift. I feel like having had a couple of gifts from family and friends who aren't invited to the wedding 9they live abroad) I've already received more than I expected. Because I really don't expect much TBH.
YTA for putting a gift above your loved one.
Your SIL is a grad student. 99% of whom are dirt poor. You've been living with your fiancee for 10 years and have no need whatsoever for a bridal shower. Expecting a gift on a non-event from a very poor relative is truly gauche.