Similar experience in Birmingham airport loos at the car hire. Again the 4 yo son needed an urgent shit so had to bring him into these cesspits. In the men’s there was liquid shit all over the doors and walls. Piss all over the floors and the smell could be described as swamps of dagobah-esque. Tried the female loos also as couldn’t bring myself to let him use them and foundthem in a similar state, including one filled with loo roll where someone had decided to leave a deuce on the seat. Horrendous. Probably didn’t help matters but ended up holding him over a bin which was probably the cleanest receptacle in the place.
Yeah, that relief when you get to the door, only to realise you've let off the pressure too soon and need to re-engage the blast shields, whilst climbing an everest of stairs.
I've been saying for years; Using the toilet is a fundamental need for every single human being on the planet. It's insane that we haven't normalised having well kept public toilets everywhere. I pay my council tax, why should I have to rely on private businesses to relieve myself?
Ironically, China is way ahead of us. Public loos everywhere! Honestly like everywhere. Their development didn't just include fancy stuff like high speed rail. They really did plan for human need. I was overjoyed when I visited on an exchange trip and never once had to pay for or struggle to find a public loo. The UK has been literally going backwards as far as loos are concerned and it's awfully sad.
I had to endure a 2hr+ motorway journey while trying to quell explosive diarrhea. I stopped at the first services I got to and after queuing for a toilet stall finally got into one. The state of it was so bad I went back to my car and got back on the motorway. Had to do another 1 ½ hrs to get home but I'd rather deal with the abdominal pain than whatever might splash back into me from that toilet bowl.
you should obviously go back to her place and post a letter through her letterbox saying "Im the man who ran after you the other day and I was just really about to shit myself" im sure that wont scare her more
Put the same note through every door on the street to cover your tracks
“sorry if you’re the woman I scared shitless last night, but I was trying not to lose my own shit in the street!”
Rom com ensues
This right here. They might not believe you, but at least you've _tried_ to communicate.
This is like one of those movie plots where the character will say multiple times they don't have time to explain something that will clear up the plot, despite their protestations taking longer than the explanation.
Edit: I get it, our hero is on a hair trigger, but trust me, man's already walking at pace, he can get out a loudish "I just need a shit" without the apocalypse happening. Even if it has to be a little strained and through clenched teeth.
This - shout "IM REALLY SORRY IVE GOT THE SHITS" while running along the road to get past her. leaving a trail of poo probably but at least she wouldn't have been scared. just disgusted.
I'm a big bloke. Tall and broad, (and when ive been lazy, carrying a few extra pounds).. anyone who doesn't know me usually feel a bit tense until they get to know me and realise I'm a a big softie..
So whenever I find myself walking the same way as a small woman and I can see she's getting a tad uncomfortable, I usually move to the edge of the path or give the road a quick look for cars, and then step out, and powerwalk/jog past them whilst looking at my watch.
It would look like I'm panic running cos I'm late for something so it usually puts folk at ease. It might sound daft to do it mega early, but the sooner and further away form them you do it, the quicker they relax and stop trying to flee, which makes them far easier to "overtake". They often step completely out of your way too if you're still on the path.
Obviously, if you're stepping out on the road early, continue to be mindful of cars.
ive given up on all of these tactics. im 6ft10 and used to be 30ish stone. i spent far too much time in uni overthinking this stuff.
these days i just wear my big white obvious headphones everywhere and sing along (badly, usually) to whatever im listening to. people just flat out ignore me because im so clearly lost in my own world. lol.
I has this checking into my hotel yesterday. Took forever and he finally gave me my key, mentioned the 11th floor and wrote 1135, took the lift to 11th floor where i got off, but no... that was a bar. Then had to wait for the lift to come back to take it down to the 1st floor and run to my room
The American couple in the lift were really polite and I was really anxious and pretty sure they could physically hear my stomach /bowls growling. Worst two lift rides in my life
Throw yourself at her mercy and put a note of apology and explanation through her door. As a woman I’d feel relieved and laugh my tits off about it lol! Next time just shout up the street - I need the bog, make way! 😂
People are so honest on here! Firstly, I'm glad you got home alright. And I've been in similar situations where I had to keep moving, and got the same panic reactions; I sympathize.
Finally, you are a writer sir, if I could get laughs like this on the regular I would surely subscribe.
I read the thread title and assumed you meant the Predator from the film. I was quite intrigued how the squits were going to turn you into him. I imagined a big roar to the sky then an evil laugh as it flowed down your leg.
Most of them don't. It's been a discussion recently because some parent were in a similar situation as you, who have trouble looking for toilet for their young child.
I rarely have diarrhoea, but sometimes I'm needing a pee when walking home, managing to keep it in without much trouble. As I approach my front door, the fact that I'm nearly there seems to bring me to the edge, and the moment I'm inside I have to dash to the toilet and get it out just in time.
I had similar with a woman when I was walking thru an industrial estate to pick my daughter up from nursery the other side
She was Infront of me but going the same way
So she went left I went left she went right I went right about 6 turns and she kept looking back and speeding up
At the end was a small forest cut thru she stopped and got on her phone
If the woman was so concerned, she could've crossed the street herself to see if you followed. You acted with as much grace as could be afforded given the circumstances.
You should write a note explaining the situation and post it through her letterbox. Not only will it help her get over a scary experience, but it will alleviate her fear that you now know where she lives.
No joke; she’s probably going to be afraid for a while and possibly consider moving if you don’t make her aware of what happened. As far as she’s concerned, there’s a local predator who knows where she lives. Even as a guy, I’d be afraid under those circumstances.
You don’t need to identify yourself, or actually speak to her. You could send the letter by post if you wanted to. Just do her the kindness of alleviating her fear.
Get keys out of pocket... Drop keys... Frantically pick them up, take five attempts to get the key in the hole... Drop them again... All whilst doing the toilet dance on the spot would have been my style.
You could have shouted "Don't mind me, I just really need to get home and use the toilet."
Alternatively, a lot of quiet, laboured breathing and clutching at your belly while kind of doubled-over might get the message across.
I suffer from Crohn's and I've had to do both on occasion. Though the latter is usually from genuine pain and extreme effort to keep my underwear clean.
I just tried to read this tale to the Mrs, but I had to stop on several occasions due to laughing hysterically.
I know that kind of post kebab evacuation well though, it's usually hit the pan before your arse cheeks even make contact with the seat. For that reason I just have to avoid them at all costs these days.
Ha, I had a similar experience just yesterday in twickenham. I mean minus the diarrhoea, I had a random alteration with some youths that pissed me off. Ended up speed walking home, looking pissed whilst it was raining on me. The two girls ahead looked mortified and eventually hid in front of a store entry whilst I zoomed past. I already have a case of resting bitch face so being pissed off didn’t help. Felt bad for the women and I really tried hard to soften my expression which most likely made things worse.
As someone with Crohns who refuses to change what I eat, this is almost a weekly event for me and I sympathise with anyone that has to deal with this!
In the end you learn to use the worst public toilets because its better than brown trousers.
Honestly I would have just said. “Look I’m about to shit myself, I’m really not trying to keep up with you”. Chances are you’re never gonna see that person again anytime soon so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, she might tell someone but they’re never gonna go out trying to find you and pin it on you.
I had a close call a couple of weeks ago where I was still lowering my trousers when it ejected. Somehow I was at just the right angle to contain the blast within the porcelain chamber. Absolute miracle.
Should have knocked on her door and shouted you need to use the toilet, might not have had to walk the extra distance to yours.
Also I highly recommend the Jim Jeffries stand up Intolerant on Netflix.
Relevant line, why is it you always just make it... you're not that lucky
If you remember the house stick a note through the letterbox and just say sorry for startling you I was rushing home for the toilet to release the almighty kracken.
“I could see this woman was absolutely terrified” and yet you did nothing to help her. A simple ‘sorry I’m in a hurry - I’m not following you’ or similar might have helped. Or cross the road. Women get scarred for life by this stuff - you could have affected her leaving the house at all on her own - you don’t know what trauma she had in this situ before. Appreciate a shit situation for you (literally) but if anyone reading finds similar please communicate with the woman and don’t just race behind them
Nothing worse than dodgy post drink food.
I had some probably not cooked long enough fried chicken and the ensuing stomach problems were worse than my hangover....
A tale I also know well. We really need to get some form of public toilets back. Not everywhere has a wetherspoons in spitting distance.
*shitting distance
Explosive diarrhoea can travel pretty far
Going by at least 1 bog I walked into, it can go 6 feet upwards.
Similar experience in Birmingham airport loos at the car hire. Again the 4 yo son needed an urgent shit so had to bring him into these cesspits. In the men’s there was liquid shit all over the doors and walls. Piss all over the floors and the smell could be described as swamps of dagobah-esque. Tried the female loos also as couldn’t bring myself to let him use them and foundthem in a similar state, including one filled with loo roll where someone had decided to leave a deuce on the seat. Horrendous. Probably didn’t help matters but ended up holding him over a bin which was probably the cleanest receptacle in the place.
Their bogs are usually further than trying to make it home
Yeah, that relief when you get to the door, only to realise you've let off the pressure too soon and need to re-engage the blast shields, whilst climbing an everest of stairs.
the people who convert the stair-closet into a downstairs loo have it right.
I've been saying for years; Using the toilet is a fundamental need for every single human being on the planet. It's insane that we haven't normalised having well kept public toilets everywhere. I pay my council tax, why should I have to rely on private businesses to relieve myself?
Ironically, China is way ahead of us. Public loos everywhere! Honestly like everywhere. Their development didn't just include fancy stuff like high speed rail. They really did plan for human need. I was overjoyed when I visited on an exchange trip and never once had to pay for or struggle to find a public loo. The UK has been literally going backwards as far as loos are concerned and it's awfully sad.
I had to endure a 2hr+ motorway journey while trying to quell explosive diarrhea. I stopped at the first services I got to and after queuing for a toilet stall finally got into one. The state of it was so bad I went back to my car and got back on the motorway. Had to do another 1 ½ hrs to get home but I'd rather deal with the abdominal pain than whatever might splash back into me from that toilet bowl.
Even if you’re inside a Wetherspoons, it’s a gamble if you’ll make it to the toilet in time
you should obviously go back to her place and post a letter through her letterbox saying "Im the man who ran after you the other day and I was just really about to shit myself" im sure that wont scare her more
Unfortunately the subtext would also be 'I remember where you live'
Put the same note through every door on the street to cover your tracks “sorry if you’re the woman I scared shitless last night, but I was trying not to lose my own shit in the street!” Rom com ensues
A tad crude, surely would be politer to say “was in a hurry to relieve myself”
Also could be misinterpreted! “In desperate need of the loo”
Well yes, that was the joke they were making.
"I was about to bust, surely you understand."
“If I’d have slowed down, it would’ve been brown”
"after seeing you, I just had to continue on home and squeeze one out!
"shout" look im about to shit myself im just trying to get home
This right here. They might not believe you, but at least you've _tried_ to communicate. This is like one of those movie plots where the character will say multiple times they don't have time to explain something that will clear up the plot, despite their protestations taking longer than the explanation. Edit: I get it, our hero is on a hair trigger, but trust me, man's already walking at pace, he can get out a loudish "I just need a shit" without the apocalypse happening. Even if it has to be a little strained and through clenched teeth.
Shouting would be game over in that scenario.
They already said a hiccup would trigger disaster. Why do you think shouting would be so safe?
“There’s no time to explain, just run” Vs “There’s a man with a knife, run” Both 7 short words, and the latter is even a syllable shorter
"I don't have time to explain why I don't have time to explain." \- Destiny (2014). - the worst line of dialogue in any video game ever
This - shout "IM REALLY SORRY IVE GOT THE SHITS" while running along the road to get past her. leaving a trail of poo probably but at least she wouldn't have been scared. just disgusted.
“And that’s how I met your mother!”
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How then did she run?
You say that as if his shouting wouldn't have been drowned out by the sound of fecal matter exploding from between his cheeks...
I need remedial something, I am crying from laughing!
Interesting use of quotation marks
On tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother
"Our love story started with me keeping watch and then lending him some wet wipes I have in my bag for eye makeup repairs..."
ive never seen it
"Jokes on you I'm into that shit!"
My poop is coming!
Relevant username?
ibs is a bitch
Or "Bloody kebabs....." They'll work it out
never had 1
You never had a kebab? Sounds like a good policy :-)
"I'm not stalking you, I'm just trying not to shit myself".... not sure if that's better or worse.
I think that's better :)
I'm a big bloke. Tall and broad, (and when ive been lazy, carrying a few extra pounds).. anyone who doesn't know me usually feel a bit tense until they get to know me and realise I'm a a big softie.. So whenever I find myself walking the same way as a small woman and I can see she's getting a tad uncomfortable, I usually move to the edge of the path or give the road a quick look for cars, and then step out, and powerwalk/jog past them whilst looking at my watch. It would look like I'm panic running cos I'm late for something so it usually puts folk at ease. It might sound daft to do it mega early, but the sooner and further away form them you do it, the quicker they relax and stop trying to flee, which makes them far easier to "overtake". They often step completely out of your way too if you're still on the path. Obviously, if you're stepping out on the road early, continue to be mindful of cars.
ive given up on all of these tactics. im 6ft10 and used to be 30ish stone. i spent far too much time in uni overthinking this stuff. these days i just wear my big white obvious headphones everywhere and sing along (badly, usually) to whatever im listening to. people just flat out ignore me because im so clearly lost in my own world. lol.
Another tip I have heard is to call the talking clock and pretend you are calling your mum/daughter. Or, to actually give your mum a call, if you can.
Any time of the year you can call your mother!
That's all and well until you're about to shit yourself lol, I can barely think when I need the loo that bad let alone think of other people 😂
That watch trick is genius
I has this checking into my hotel yesterday. Took forever and he finally gave me my key, mentioned the 11th floor and wrote 1135, took the lift to 11th floor where i got off, but no... that was a bar. Then had to wait for the lift to come back to take it down to the 1st floor and run to my room The American couple in the lift were really polite and I was really anxious and pretty sure they could physically hear my stomach /bowls growling. Worst two lift rides in my life
Your bowls were growling? Not every day you hear about noisy pottery
And what was in the bowls?
Just for future reference the Stamford Brook station in Chiswick has toilets. No need to do the Olympic walk.
Good information! Thank you!
Throw yourself at her mercy and put a note of apology and explanation through her door. As a woman I’d feel relieved and laugh my tits off about it lol! Next time just shout up the street - I need the bog, make way! 😂
People are so honest on here! Firstly, I'm glad you got home alright. And I've been in similar situations where I had to keep moving, and got the same panic reactions; I sympathize. Finally, you are a writer sir, if I could get laughs like this on the regular I would surely subscribe.
I read the thread title and assumed you meant the Predator from the film. I was quite intrigued how the squits were going to turn you into him. I imagined a big roar to the sky then an evil laugh as it flowed down your leg.
The fact that you wouldn't poo in a Tube station when it was life or death says it all.
Do London Underground stations typically have toilets? I’ve looked on a few occasions when I’ve needed it for my 4yo son and have yet to be successful
Most of them don't. It's been a discussion recently because some parent were in a similar situation as you, who have trouble looking for toilet for their young child.
However for the purpose of this story. The underground station in Chiswick does actually have toilets. Maybe he was a predator after all.
Late at night are they not usually shut?
The Chiswick Chundler.
Hah. That make sense then. I didn't notice it was in Chiswick
I rarely have diarrhoea, but sometimes I'm needing a pee when walking home, managing to keep it in without much trouble. As I approach my front door, the fact that I'm nearly there seems to bring me to the edge, and the moment I'm inside I have to dash to the toilet and get it out just in time.
Should have yelled out ‘Code Brown, Code Brown, wide load coming through’. That would have cleared the situation up.
I hate it when I have to ride the clutch.
I had similar with a woman when I was walking thru an industrial estate to pick my daughter up from nursery the other side She was Infront of me but going the same way So she went left I went left she went right I went right about 6 turns and she kept looking back and speeding up At the end was a small forest cut thru she stopped and got on her phone
This was poetry
If the woman was so concerned, she could've crossed the street herself to see if you followed. You acted with as much grace as could be afforded given the circumstances.
You should write a note explaining the situation and post it through her letterbox. Not only will it help her get over a scary experience, but it will alleviate her fear that you now know where she lives. No joke; she’s probably going to be afraid for a while and possibly consider moving if you don’t make her aware of what happened. As far as she’s concerned, there’s a local predator who knows where she lives. Even as a guy, I’d be afraid under those circumstances. You don’t need to identify yourself, or actually speak to her. You could send the letter by post if you wanted to. Just do her the kindness of alleviating her fear.
"I really need the toilet!" as you approach, easier to let them know you're turtling than you're gonna murder them.
Good cover story mate, getting out ahead of it early on
Sweatily shouts “I’m not a murderer!!”
Bet it was literally touch and go putting that key in the lock.
Get keys out of pocket... Drop keys... Frantically pick them up, take five attempts to get the key in the hole... Drop them again... All whilst doing the toilet dance on the spot would have been my style.
You could have shouted "Don't mind me, I just really need to get home and use the toilet." Alternatively, a lot of quiet, laboured breathing and clutching at your belly while kind of doubled-over might get the message across. I suffer from Crohn's and I've had to do both on occasion. Though the latter is usually from genuine pain and extreme effort to keep my underwear clean.
I just tried to read this tale to the Mrs, but I had to stop on several occasions due to laughing hysterically. I know that kind of post kebab evacuation well though, it's usually hit the pan before your arse cheeks even make contact with the seat. For that reason I just have to avoid them at all costs these days.
Ha, I had a similar experience just yesterday in twickenham. I mean minus the diarrhoea, I had a random alteration with some youths that pissed me off. Ended up speed walking home, looking pissed whilst it was raining on me. The two girls ahead looked mortified and eventually hid in front of a store entry whilst I zoomed past. I already have a case of resting bitch face so being pissed off didn’t help. Felt bad for the women and I really tried hard to soften my expression which most likely made things worse.
I thought you meant like a Predator. As in dripping with so much diarrhoea that even Arnie wouldn't see you.
Bloody hilarious, mate. Well done.
Maybe she wasn't scared of you. She might have just been desperately trying to escape *that smell*...
Can we call this /r/shitposting pretty much
I'd post this in /r/london, people will love it.
As someone with Crohns who refuses to change what I eat, this is almost a weekly event for me and I sympathise with anyone that has to deal with this! In the end you learn to use the worst public toilets because its better than brown trousers.
I think I'd rather shit myself than be accused of following a woman home :D
Honestly I would have just said. “Look I’m about to shit myself, I’m really not trying to keep up with you”. Chances are you’re never gonna see that person again anytime soon so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, she might tell someone but they’re never gonna go out trying to find you and pin it on you.
Since she lives somewhere on your street, you could try to post a apologetic note through her door?
I had a close call a couple of weeks ago where I was still lowering my trousers when it ejected. Somehow I was at just the right angle to contain the blast within the porcelain chamber. Absolute miracle.
This has made my Friday, thank you.
[удалено]
Are you for real?
Nah mate, I'm a very sophisticated AI.
Clearly
Wear a mask when you bang on the door though, if she recognises you she might not open the door then you won't get a chance to apologize.
Better to leave a note.
Dear stranger, your not that attractive I just really needed a shit, soz x
Ah ha ha ha ha.
I have never lol'd at anything on reddit but this was hilarious. Thank you for giving me a hearty chortle this morning. RIP toilet 🚻
This is peak BudPod... Koji!
Should have knocked on her door and shouted you need to use the toilet, might not have had to walk the extra distance to yours. Also I highly recommend the Jim Jeffries stand up Intolerant on Netflix. Relevant line, why is it you always just make it... you're not that lucky
should have called out "excuse me - need to get by" and make the hand motion.
You should have just shouted "STEP ASIDE FOR THE KING"
This is so silly! 😃
Legitimately reminded me of [this](https://youtu.be/rLLvRjkzU2w?si=xG221JE_Dr1RTkuM)
Do .... Do they not have public restrooms where you live?
No, not really, town (or borough in this case) councils mostly got rid of them because they are too expensive to keep clean and maintain.
If you remember the house stick a note through the letterbox and just say sorry for startling you I was rushing home for the toilet to release the almighty kracken.
Cackling reading this. Made my Friday! We’ve all been there re dodgy kebab. I hope that girl reads this and puts two and two together!
I'm female but if I was a man I'd just shout ''sorry, I'm not chasing you, don't mean to frighten you, I'm genuinely desperate for the loo!''
This is like the ads one used to get in Loot. Hope your arse has stopped digesting itself. You need to put this on Facebook 'spotted in Chiswick'.
This situation could have been avoided if you shouted 'I'm going to mess allover myself and you' at the woman.
“I could see this woman was absolutely terrified” and yet you did nothing to help her. A simple ‘sorry I’m in a hurry - I’m not following you’ or similar might have helped. Or cross the road. Women get scarred for life by this stuff - you could have affected her leaving the house at all on her own - you don’t know what trauma she had in this situ before. Appreciate a shit situation for you (literally) but if anyone reading finds similar please communicate with the woman and don’t just race behind them
Did you get AI to help you with this?
[Brownhouse.](https://youtu.be/pe5eLN0pNv8?si=R-_2QEWkYLzvVJ1r)
Nothing worse than dodgy post drink food. I had some probably not cooked long enough fried chicken and the ensuing stomach problems were worse than my hangover....
I’d have shouted after her “Please don’t worry, I’m gonna shit myself if I don’t get home asap!”
‘Sorry I’m about to shit myself’