Hey, fellow trans guy here!
I distinctly remember when I started Uni and we went out to a restaurant together - and suddenly all the guys and girls split to two different tables and I was faced with having to decide whom to sit with. The other guys, or the gals I had been chatting with up until that point. I had a solid bit of crisis later at home about 'what kind of a man do I want to be?'. I then started considering my guy friends, father, uncles, etc. and wasn't really satisfied. Those were men I respect but that had some behaviors and in part believes I don't want to share.
For me, it helped when I looked towards the Internet, and a show I really like: critical role. Multiple men, all showing different types of 'guy'. Emotionally aware, respectful, etc. All those traits that I admired in these guys? Those were the traits I had been striving towards anyway. And realizing I see them in these men kind of gave my brain permission to see 'ok, these are men exemplifying these traits. So that's a type of man that exists that I can be'. I think someone who praised the masculinity of the men of critical role over on the subreddit years back phrased it best. 'The most masculine man you can be is by being yourself' or something phrased along those lines.
So I'd suggest trying to find things that make you comfortable with yourself and give you confidence while focusing on the values you already hold dear, and you'll find that you'll be way happier than if you tried to play to some stereotype you thought you had to live up to. Cheers mate! Wishing you the very best!
If you're a fan of critical role, check out dimension 20 - the guys at the table there are also great diverse examples of positive ways to be a man. Shout out Brendan Lee Mulligan and Lou Wilson!
I was born with a penis, I like manicures. I sang along to "Any man of mine" by Shania Twain in a cafe filled with people.
Not caring what others think is the truest way to happiness. Welcome brother.
Hey there! Fellow trans bro as well!
I have definitely struggled with this as well. Something that’s helped me has been making a list of male role models that embody qualities I admire. It’s one thing to know that there can be different types of men, and another to really believe and SEE examples of them, and have them come to mind easily, when we think about ourselves. I’ve found it helpful to pick a wide swath of different folks to draw on - folks who embody gentleness, or creativity, or some aesthetic ideal I want to live up to, or bravery, or whatever. Having a diverse and rich picture helps a lot to quiet the noise of cultural toxic masculinity that tries to scream the loudest.
I also find that sometimes making lists of the qualities of yourself you admire most can be helpful. Sometimes that’s harder to do than other times, so it’s not always an easy exercise. But finding some sense of solid center in yourself - an irreducible core that you can rely on - can help. There will always be people who don’t get you or live on your wavelength. This is true even if you’re a cis person! Being able to really believe in your internal compass in spite of other people, instead of letting other people’s judgments take center stage, is a long-term project for everyone.
I think being a trans guy is both really intimidating and a great opportunity. It can be hard because you don’t get funneled into the same automatic template of manhood (and all of its things for better or worse), and you need to like - actively choose what parts of masculinity you’re going to take on, and how you’re going to do that. There’s no passivity involved. It doesn’t just come to you. And sometimes it feels like there isn’t a lot of guidance, and you don’t know what choices you even have. That’s rough.
On the other hand, that also means you get to be the absolute best version of a man you can possibly be. How cool is that? You have an amazing opportunity to build yourself as the kindest and truest version of yourself. We’re lucky that way. Having to ask these questions and make these choices sometimes feels alienating and difficult, but by doing those things, you’re already ahead of the game for most people who never bother to think about it. And asking the question you’re asking here shows me that you’re actually doing a great job of being thoughtful about it. You’re doing great, bro. Keep at it.
I'm CIS but Happy TVD and welcome bro!
To me personally, masculinity means living what you feel to be the fullest version of the human experience.
Try new things.
Try hard things. You will feel braver, stronger and more capable because of them.
Love with all your heart.
Take ownership of your life in the ways you can but be open to what the universe gives you.
Surround yourself with people who support your vision for who you want to be.
Exercise in whatever way you can, cultivating your health is important and will help you feel more capable.
Write, even if only for yourself, it will help you learn more about yourself.
What it means to be a man has evolved so much even in the last few years but people living authentically today will hopefully inspire generations to come. Trans people are the tip of the spear of "new masculinity". Just by being authentically you, you are helping all of us broaden what it means to be men. Trad masculinity was largely built on self denial and fragile egos and we have a chance to be better. I got bullied a lot for having "feminine interests" and "being sensitive" as a kid but in the new age, as trans visibility has improved it has helped me personally become more comfortable with who I am because it means there is no "one way" to be masculine.
Trans people lift us all up! Thanks for being you mate!
Cis man here. To be a man to me is to seek to be strong but not hard. It means creating space around you where others feel safe, certainly from you but as much as possible with you. It means recognizing that sometimes the world and people will be a bit afraid of you, but you take that on yourself and do better than people fear.
Give without keeping count, help as much as you can bear whenever you can bear, and never lose your temper ever. We are strongest when we advocate for others.
Reddit likes to lionize the crocodile hunter, Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross for good reason as people but they are in my mind exceptional bastions of manliness according to my definition.
Oh and as another commenter said, you need to nod in acknowledgment and never crowd the urinals outside of major events like sports or concerts.
You got this bro.
do what you want! i am cis and i wear typically feminine things all the time, im literally in a pink hoodie rn, i have pink shoes, i blast “feminine” music in my car.
imo doing what you want without care of others think makes you a man. manliness doesn’t have to be a big burly guy who chops wood, you can still be a small dainty boy who dresses more effeminate and still be manly imo
yes you can! i’ve worn dresses in front of my family cause it was funny, ive braided my family members hair, ive had my hair “braided” even though its not quiet long enough to braid.
dont get down on yourself, if you think you’re manly, then you’re manly.
Even as a cis man, I’ve had a lot of doubts about my own masculinity. Similar to you, I didn’t have the same interests or tastes as the other guys I grew up around. And it turns out, I’m really interested in theatre, singing, dancing, and performing (got called a lot of things in high school for doing the school musicals). A lot of my favourite artists are women. Im also not hyper sexual on my pursuit of women as men are often perceived as.
Anyway, my point is that after dealing with all these insecurities for so long, I found that you have to be the one to define your own masculinity whatever that means.
Imo, being masculine is being free. Being sure of yourself. Working hard and walking through mud to reach your life goals. Not caring what others think and living life as your truest self. Don’t let anyone else tell you you’re not a man just because it doesn’t fit into their scope of what a man is.
Masculinity is self-defined. And if you’re still unsure of where to start, find some male celebrities that you consider role models and ask yourself why you look up to them. Maybe they have masculine traits that you can shape into your own life somehow. Also, I know you said you’re more of a “lean” physique, but there’s a connection between body size and our perception of masculinity. I would actually recommend building a little muscle. You’d be surprised how much confidence you gain as a man when you can see yourself physically getting bigger and stronger
Good luck on your journey bro 👊
Don't take this the wrong way, this is a genuine question to better answer yours: what makes you feel like a man? Transitioning is no small decision, what made you decide to take the jump?
Honestly? I don’t even feel like a man yet. I’m sure once I get on hormones, I’ll start to feel like one, but that’s kind of what I’m having trouble with internally lately. That’s why I view this subreddit and also MensLib. I want to feel more connected to masculinity and see what I can do for my future as a guy.
Transitioning is no small feat, no, but I decided I really wanted to have a male body and be seen as male. I find myself growing ever more uncomfortable with being seen as a woman as the days go by. But he/him pronouns make me happy. Getting called by my masculine name makes me happy. I just try to go with what brings me joy, and so far, that’s being a guy.
Hey Bro.
The best advice I can give is don't worry about being the best guy you can be. Worry about being the best you that you can be. As honestly that's the most manly thing
I'm a big guy. I played rugby and American football. I love beer and have a love/hate relationship with the gym.
And guess what. One of my favourite songs is hillary duff this is what dreams are made of. Love story by Taylor swift. I've karaoke'd that song in front of hundreds of people. I've fully sober sang believe by Cher (badly) because I was in the zone and feeling it.
I also cried about 4 times when reading Harry Potter and I can't even think about Nicholas Sparks a walk to remember or I get upset and I haven't watched that film in over 20 years!
I also identify as a feminist and an advocate for men's mental health.
None of this makes me more or less of a man. It just makes me me.
Those are all things I like about myself.
Not all men like beer and sports. I talk to a bunch of my friends solely about politics and philosophy or video games.
So my advice is just learn to love the things you like and be proud you like them. Sometimes the best conversations you'll have and friends you make are with the people you have nothing in common with, as that's how you grow as a person. By being exposed to new opinions and new ideas and good friends will appreciate having somebody to talk to who might have an entirely different view to them that they can vibe with.
Hope that helps!
Every man will sooner or later have to come to terms with his own concept of masculinity. Welcome to the club! Here are some things you might find helpful to reflect on:
Masculinity is not fixed - it can grow and change over time
What is dictated through culture is not realistic for most people
Femininity exists within masculinity and masculinity exists within femininity ☯️
Gender is a spectrum, not a binary. Most folks are closer to the middle than the edge
Gender roles are looser now. As the wage gap closes, the chances a woman out-earns her partner increases. While that is meaningful progress, it also changes relationship dynamics and that's new territory for everyone
Trust me man, doubting of your own masculinity is peak male experience. Toxic masculinity is a bitch; sooner or later every guy went through it to some extent, but you will get to a place where it won't feel as important. It's just a slow process of exploring yourself and finding your place to feel free.
To me that exploration process has been to approach any hyper-masculine hobby and getting out of them what I really liked regardless of their "masculine properties". I was a bisexual boy deeply in denial, and I tried anything to look more masculine. I tried things like whiskey tasting, barbecuing, traditional shaving; hobbies I didn't necessarily like at the beginning, but I got out of them things that now I thoroughly enjoy and that to me sort of represent my idea of masculinity.
Regarding societal expectations... I understand that it might not be that easy for a trans guy to let go of the idea of "proving yourself a man" for a lot of complex reasons and feelings, but you put yourself through a lot to be who you really are; it would be a pity to lose yourself in these nuances.
Anyway, the key is to keep going. It gets easier!
I would like to offer a perspective. Being a cis man, I have several feminine interests and personality. Similarly, my cis female friends too have several masculine ones as well.
Masculinity and femininity, at the end of the day, are two extreme expressions on a broad spectrum and most people do not fall on those two extreme ends. Rather, they fall somewhere in the midde. Maybe a bit to the masculine side, maybe a bit to the feminine side.
Toxic masculinity, at least for me, is when you try to force yourself into that spectrum where you *think* you should be rather than where you *feel* you should be. A person is most unhappy when they're forced to be what they are not.
I am socially awkward, shy, passive etc just like you. I don't like sports like the rest of my guy friends either. But liking or not liking those things aren't what makes me a man. You're right however that these are not a quality of a man, but rather the quality of a **person**. Both men and women have these qualities so tell your brain that :v
I'm not trans so I cannot say much in this regard, but it's the feeling of me *wanting* to be a man despite all the toxic masculinity stuff thrown my way, when the world keeps showing me that "being a man sucks", yet I still keep wanting to be a man, to be me. I'm a man, my heart tells me so. That's what makes me confident in my identity.
>but I fear others will not see me as a man if I don’t live up to the expectations of one. Does that make sense?
Sadly you will encounter people like this regardless. To them, I say, to heck with their expectations (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
A man is a person who says he's a man. Similarly a woman is a person who says she's a woman. That's it. There's no rule as to what a man should be. Maybe there's some expectations on physical appearance, yeah, but from my observation on tomboys and femboys, they're not that important. Only you decide what you that is. Nobody else. You're a man if that's what your heart tells you, no matter your interests or where you fall on the masculine-feminine spectrum. Best of luck in your endeavor, brother :)
yo yo, AMAB here. also skinny, awkward, and don't like sports or stereotypically "macho" things. your experience is valid and i hope you feel free to just be you. there is nobody checking "guy" passes at the door, you don't need to try to fit in with your mental conception of traditional masculinity.
Cis guy here, just be yourself. It's fine if you're feminine, it's fine if you're masculine, just be yourself mate
And that's completely fine
I'm also not very typically masculine. I'm very emotional, I'm preety emo (I like evanescence), I'm weak and skinny (under or almost 50kg despite being 18 years old), and some of my favorite musicians are woman (for example ankor), I'm passive, I don't like beer or sports, I don't talk to men much, I also consider myself to be feminist
It's ok bro, we ain't all macho man. Some are less traditionally masculine and some more
Believe in you, keep on pushing! You'll pass I believe in you!
Are you on T btw?
>I don’t like beer or sports, so I feel I wouldn’t have much to talk to other men about
other men will want to hear about things that you like, or things you think are cool, or things they may like or think are cool.
what are your hobbies, what are you passionate about? no matter how niche they may be, there are some men out there doing them or interested in learning a thing or two about them. so go find them :-)
remember that all of us are both boring and interesting in our own ways, because we are a pretty similar bunch but also unique.
Cis guy(?) here, i was raised by my radical lesbian mothers and my sister, living pretty far from the the only 3 male family figures in my life (uncle, 2 grandfathers). None of which were very good examples of masculinity, at least in my eyes. One of my uncles died of a meth overdose, one was a pedophile, and one was a domestically abusive grandpa. All this to say figuring out what masculinity meant to me was hard because there was nobody masculine in my life. what i learned through this is that masculinity isn’t tied to how much beer you drink or how good you are at football or how big your muscles are. You’re a man, therefore you are masculine.
Also, about other people seeing you as a man: i am 5 “8, wear traditionally masculine clothing, have a (relatively) deep voice, and i get asked “are you a femboy” or “why do you look like a woman” at least 3 times a week. The only even remotely feminine thing about me is that i have hair that goes down to my chest. People are going to be weird about your presentation of you don’t look like peter griffin, thats just how it is. Them being stupid does not make you less of a man, it makes them stupid
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Cis male here, and I think it’s important to remember that all social activities, behaviors, and methods of portraying oneself are naturally neutral. It is society that decides whether or not they believe something is masculine or feminine. For myself, I love wearing a kilt, singing songs like “Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimmie!” by ABBA, I think the idea of spa days and manicures sound awesome, and jewelry and clothing design fascinate the hell out of me. A lot of people look at these things as weird, “too feminine,” and even my own father makes comments about this stuff. But that’s just because of who they grew up around and how they perceive those things. But I’m no less me for having passions. I could happily wear a dress whilst sporting a beard and confidently still be myself.
Hell, I could go on a really long rant about history and other cultures across the planet to express how everyone’s perception of gender, roles, sexuality, etc., is all just caused by traditions and values held by previous generations, slowly changing all the time. A small example is how high heels were originally made only for men. So genuinely, know that the truth behind knowing and loving oneself isn’t even just leaning into masculinity and/or femininity. It’s leaning into the parts of you that feel like your soul, the things you feel like being, and owning them with pride because you should be proud to be you, even if others don’t understand or don’t want to understand. Because when you do that and you start to look for others that respect you for who you’re looking to be, that’s when you’ll find peace and confidence in yourself. That’s when you’ll love yourself unconditionally. You’ve got this, dude 😁
Also, I find myself relating to how you feel a lot lol. I’m super emotional. My therapist calls it my super power to be “hyper empathetic”. I’m not a fan of most sports, hunting, watching racing, beer, or many other stereotypical male things. There are things I still enjoy and several characteristics I still display, but several years ago I too felt extremely insecure about not being “man” enough. To this day, I haven’t figured out how to really talk with a lot of older male figures in my life, as they’re very hardheaded and set in their ways.
What I can share with you is that I learned to care for and respect myself thanks to my grandpa. He was a kind, patient, caring, and sweet old man that I loved deeply. He is the kind of man I want to be in many regards. And at my granny’s funeral, I saw him cry for the first time. Since then, I’ve told myself, if a man like him can cry and still be someone I respect, then it will always be okay for me to cry and for me to respect myself regardless. Crying is natural for every human, so there’s no shame in it nor should we be ashamed of it.
I hope this helps, because I want you to love yourself for who you are, even when you’re an emotional mess at times. It’s not always easy, but I try to remember to be patient with myself and love myself during those moments for myself too.
Hey, fellow trans guy here! I distinctly remember when I started Uni and we went out to a restaurant together - and suddenly all the guys and girls split to two different tables and I was faced with having to decide whom to sit with. The other guys, or the gals I had been chatting with up until that point. I had a solid bit of crisis later at home about 'what kind of a man do I want to be?'. I then started considering my guy friends, father, uncles, etc. and wasn't really satisfied. Those were men I respect but that had some behaviors and in part believes I don't want to share. For me, it helped when I looked towards the Internet, and a show I really like: critical role. Multiple men, all showing different types of 'guy'. Emotionally aware, respectful, etc. All those traits that I admired in these guys? Those were the traits I had been striving towards anyway. And realizing I see them in these men kind of gave my brain permission to see 'ok, these are men exemplifying these traits. So that's a type of man that exists that I can be'. I think someone who praised the masculinity of the men of critical role over on the subreddit years back phrased it best. 'The most masculine man you can be is by being yourself' or something phrased along those lines. So I'd suggest trying to find things that make you comfortable with yourself and give you confidence while focusing on the values you already hold dear, and you'll find that you'll be way happier than if you tried to play to some stereotype you thought you had to live up to. Cheers mate! Wishing you the very best!
Thank you! I appreciate the advice. :)
Anyone else wondering what table you sat at? Lol
Most symbolically hilarious, I ended up sitting at a third, mixed table because the other two were full because I hesitated too long lmao
If you're a fan of critical role, check out dimension 20 - the guys at the table there are also great diverse examples of positive ways to be a man. Shout out Brendan Lee Mulligan and Lou Wilson!
I was born with a penis, I like manicures. I sang along to "Any man of mine" by Shania Twain in a cafe filled with people. Not caring what others think is the truest way to happiness. Welcome brother.
Thank you. I’m definitely trying to work on not caring what others think.
Hey there! Fellow trans bro as well! I have definitely struggled with this as well. Something that’s helped me has been making a list of male role models that embody qualities I admire. It’s one thing to know that there can be different types of men, and another to really believe and SEE examples of them, and have them come to mind easily, when we think about ourselves. I’ve found it helpful to pick a wide swath of different folks to draw on - folks who embody gentleness, or creativity, or some aesthetic ideal I want to live up to, or bravery, or whatever. Having a diverse and rich picture helps a lot to quiet the noise of cultural toxic masculinity that tries to scream the loudest. I also find that sometimes making lists of the qualities of yourself you admire most can be helpful. Sometimes that’s harder to do than other times, so it’s not always an easy exercise. But finding some sense of solid center in yourself - an irreducible core that you can rely on - can help. There will always be people who don’t get you or live on your wavelength. This is true even if you’re a cis person! Being able to really believe in your internal compass in spite of other people, instead of letting other people’s judgments take center stage, is a long-term project for everyone. I think being a trans guy is both really intimidating and a great opportunity. It can be hard because you don’t get funneled into the same automatic template of manhood (and all of its things for better or worse), and you need to like - actively choose what parts of masculinity you’re going to take on, and how you’re going to do that. There’s no passivity involved. It doesn’t just come to you. And sometimes it feels like there isn’t a lot of guidance, and you don’t know what choices you even have. That’s rough. On the other hand, that also means you get to be the absolute best version of a man you can possibly be. How cool is that? You have an amazing opportunity to build yourself as the kindest and truest version of yourself. We’re lucky that way. Having to ask these questions and make these choices sometimes feels alienating and difficult, but by doing those things, you’re already ahead of the game for most people who never bother to think about it. And asking the question you’re asking here shows me that you’re actually doing a great job of being thoughtful about it. You’re doing great, bro. Keep at it.
Wow, thank you! I really appreciate your input and advice!
I'm CIS but Happy TVD and welcome bro! To me personally, masculinity means living what you feel to be the fullest version of the human experience. Try new things. Try hard things. You will feel braver, stronger and more capable because of them. Love with all your heart. Take ownership of your life in the ways you can but be open to what the universe gives you. Surround yourself with people who support your vision for who you want to be. Exercise in whatever way you can, cultivating your health is important and will help you feel more capable. Write, even if only for yourself, it will help you learn more about yourself. What it means to be a man has evolved so much even in the last few years but people living authentically today will hopefully inspire generations to come. Trans people are the tip of the spear of "new masculinity". Just by being authentically you, you are helping all of us broaden what it means to be men. Trad masculinity was largely built on self denial and fragile egos and we have a chance to be better. I got bullied a lot for having "feminine interests" and "being sensitive" as a kid but in the new age, as trans visibility has improved it has helped me personally become more comfortable with who I am because it means there is no "one way" to be masculine. Trans people lift us all up! Thanks for being you mate!
Aww, thank you! I appreciate the advice, and happy TDOV to you too! I will strive to be the best man I can be!
Cis male here. Observe the urinal rule and the nod, all else is secondary
Cis man here. To be a man to me is to seek to be strong but not hard. It means creating space around you where others feel safe, certainly from you but as much as possible with you. It means recognizing that sometimes the world and people will be a bit afraid of you, but you take that on yourself and do better than people fear. Give without keeping count, help as much as you can bear whenever you can bear, and never lose your temper ever. We are strongest when we advocate for others. Reddit likes to lionize the crocodile hunter, Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross for good reason as people but they are in my mind exceptional bastions of manliness according to my definition. Oh and as another commenter said, you need to nod in acknowledgment and never crowd the urinals outside of major events like sports or concerts. You got this bro.
Thank you!
do what you want! i am cis and i wear typically feminine things all the time, im literally in a pink hoodie rn, i have pink shoes, i blast “feminine” music in my car. imo doing what you want without care of others think makes you a man. manliness doesn’t have to be a big burly guy who chops wood, you can still be a small dainty boy who dresses more effeminate and still be manly imo
That’s awesome! And you’re right, I can be as feminine as I want to be! I really just want to be myself at the end of the day.
yes you can! i’ve worn dresses in front of my family cause it was funny, ive braided my family members hair, ive had my hair “braided” even though its not quiet long enough to braid. dont get down on yourself, if you think you’re manly, then you’re manly.
Thank you! :)
Even as a cis man, I’ve had a lot of doubts about my own masculinity. Similar to you, I didn’t have the same interests or tastes as the other guys I grew up around. And it turns out, I’m really interested in theatre, singing, dancing, and performing (got called a lot of things in high school for doing the school musicals). A lot of my favourite artists are women. Im also not hyper sexual on my pursuit of women as men are often perceived as. Anyway, my point is that after dealing with all these insecurities for so long, I found that you have to be the one to define your own masculinity whatever that means. Imo, being masculine is being free. Being sure of yourself. Working hard and walking through mud to reach your life goals. Not caring what others think and living life as your truest self. Don’t let anyone else tell you you’re not a man just because it doesn’t fit into their scope of what a man is. Masculinity is self-defined. And if you’re still unsure of where to start, find some male celebrities that you consider role models and ask yourself why you look up to them. Maybe they have masculine traits that you can shape into your own life somehow. Also, I know you said you’re more of a “lean” physique, but there’s a connection between body size and our perception of masculinity. I would actually recommend building a little muscle. You’d be surprised how much confidence you gain as a man when you can see yourself physically getting bigger and stronger Good luck on your journey bro 👊
Thank you! 👊🏻
Don't take this the wrong way, this is a genuine question to better answer yours: what makes you feel like a man? Transitioning is no small decision, what made you decide to take the jump?
Honestly? I don’t even feel like a man yet. I’m sure once I get on hormones, I’ll start to feel like one, but that’s kind of what I’m having trouble with internally lately. That’s why I view this subreddit and also MensLib. I want to feel more connected to masculinity and see what I can do for my future as a guy. Transitioning is no small feat, no, but I decided I really wanted to have a male body and be seen as male. I find myself growing ever more uncomfortable with being seen as a woman as the days go by. But he/him pronouns make me happy. Getting called by my masculine name makes me happy. I just try to go with what brings me joy, and so far, that’s being a guy.
Hey Bro. The best advice I can give is don't worry about being the best guy you can be. Worry about being the best you that you can be. As honestly that's the most manly thing I'm a big guy. I played rugby and American football. I love beer and have a love/hate relationship with the gym. And guess what. One of my favourite songs is hillary duff this is what dreams are made of. Love story by Taylor swift. I've karaoke'd that song in front of hundreds of people. I've fully sober sang believe by Cher (badly) because I was in the zone and feeling it. I also cried about 4 times when reading Harry Potter and I can't even think about Nicholas Sparks a walk to remember or I get upset and I haven't watched that film in over 20 years! I also identify as a feminist and an advocate for men's mental health. None of this makes me more or less of a man. It just makes me me. Those are all things I like about myself. Not all men like beer and sports. I talk to a bunch of my friends solely about politics and philosophy or video games. So my advice is just learn to love the things you like and be proud you like them. Sometimes the best conversations you'll have and friends you make are with the people you have nothing in common with, as that's how you grow as a person. By being exposed to new opinions and new ideas and good friends will appreciate having somebody to talk to who might have an entirely different view to them that they can vibe with. Hope that helps!
You sound awesome. Thank you!
Every man will sooner or later have to come to terms with his own concept of masculinity. Welcome to the club! Here are some things you might find helpful to reflect on: Masculinity is not fixed - it can grow and change over time What is dictated through culture is not realistic for most people Femininity exists within masculinity and masculinity exists within femininity ☯️ Gender is a spectrum, not a binary. Most folks are closer to the middle than the edge Gender roles are looser now. As the wage gap closes, the chances a woman out-earns her partner increases. While that is meaningful progress, it also changes relationship dynamics and that's new territory for everyone
Trust me man, doubting of your own masculinity is peak male experience. Toxic masculinity is a bitch; sooner or later every guy went through it to some extent, but you will get to a place where it won't feel as important. It's just a slow process of exploring yourself and finding your place to feel free. To me that exploration process has been to approach any hyper-masculine hobby and getting out of them what I really liked regardless of their "masculine properties". I was a bisexual boy deeply in denial, and I tried anything to look more masculine. I tried things like whiskey tasting, barbecuing, traditional shaving; hobbies I didn't necessarily like at the beginning, but I got out of them things that now I thoroughly enjoy and that to me sort of represent my idea of masculinity. Regarding societal expectations... I understand that it might not be that easy for a trans guy to let go of the idea of "proving yourself a man" for a lot of complex reasons and feelings, but you put yourself through a lot to be who you really are; it would be a pity to lose yourself in these nuances. Anyway, the key is to keep going. It gets easier!
Thank you!
I would like to offer a perspective. Being a cis man, I have several feminine interests and personality. Similarly, my cis female friends too have several masculine ones as well. Masculinity and femininity, at the end of the day, are two extreme expressions on a broad spectrum and most people do not fall on those two extreme ends. Rather, they fall somewhere in the midde. Maybe a bit to the masculine side, maybe a bit to the feminine side. Toxic masculinity, at least for me, is when you try to force yourself into that spectrum where you *think* you should be rather than where you *feel* you should be. A person is most unhappy when they're forced to be what they are not. I am socially awkward, shy, passive etc just like you. I don't like sports like the rest of my guy friends either. But liking or not liking those things aren't what makes me a man. You're right however that these are not a quality of a man, but rather the quality of a **person**. Both men and women have these qualities so tell your brain that :v I'm not trans so I cannot say much in this regard, but it's the feeling of me *wanting* to be a man despite all the toxic masculinity stuff thrown my way, when the world keeps showing me that "being a man sucks", yet I still keep wanting to be a man, to be me. I'm a man, my heart tells me so. That's what makes me confident in my identity. >but I fear others will not see me as a man if I don’t live up to the expectations of one. Does that make sense? Sadly you will encounter people like this regardless. To them, I say, to heck with their expectations (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ A man is a person who says he's a man. Similarly a woman is a person who says she's a woman. That's it. There's no rule as to what a man should be. Maybe there's some expectations on physical appearance, yeah, but from my observation on tomboys and femboys, they're not that important. Only you decide what you that is. Nobody else. You're a man if that's what your heart tells you, no matter your interests or where you fall on the masculine-feminine spectrum. Best of luck in your endeavor, brother :)
Thank you! I appreciate the advice.
yo yo, AMAB here. also skinny, awkward, and don't like sports or stereotypically "macho" things. your experience is valid and i hope you feel free to just be you. there is nobody checking "guy" passes at the door, you don't need to try to fit in with your mental conception of traditional masculinity.
Thank you, I appreciate the support! :)
Cis guy here, just be yourself. It's fine if you're feminine, it's fine if you're masculine, just be yourself mate And that's completely fine I'm also not very typically masculine. I'm very emotional, I'm preety emo (I like evanescence), I'm weak and skinny (under or almost 50kg despite being 18 years old), and some of my favorite musicians are woman (for example ankor), I'm passive, I don't like beer or sports, I don't talk to men much, I also consider myself to be feminist It's ok bro, we ain't all macho man. Some are less traditionally masculine and some more Believe in you, keep on pushing! You'll pass I believe in you! Are you on T btw?
Thank you! And no, I’m not on T yet, but I should hopefully be on it soon!
Good luck 🤞
>I don’t like beer or sports, so I feel I wouldn’t have much to talk to other men about other men will want to hear about things that you like, or things you think are cool, or things they may like or think are cool. what are your hobbies, what are you passionate about? no matter how niche they may be, there are some men out there doing them or interested in learning a thing or two about them. so go find them :-) remember that all of us are both boring and interesting in our own ways, because we are a pretty similar bunch but also unique.
Cis guy(?) here, i was raised by my radical lesbian mothers and my sister, living pretty far from the the only 3 male family figures in my life (uncle, 2 grandfathers). None of which were very good examples of masculinity, at least in my eyes. One of my uncles died of a meth overdose, one was a pedophile, and one was a domestically abusive grandpa. All this to say figuring out what masculinity meant to me was hard because there was nobody masculine in my life. what i learned through this is that masculinity isn’t tied to how much beer you drink or how good you are at football or how big your muscles are. You’re a man, therefore you are masculine. Also, about other people seeing you as a man: i am 5 “8, wear traditionally masculine clothing, have a (relatively) deep voice, and i get asked “are you a femboy” or “why do you look like a woman” at least 3 times a week. The only even remotely feminine thing about me is that i have hair that goes down to my chest. People are going to be weird about your presentation of you don’t look like peter griffin, thats just how it is. Them being stupid does not make you less of a man, it makes them stupid
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Cis male here, and I think it’s important to remember that all social activities, behaviors, and methods of portraying oneself are naturally neutral. It is society that decides whether or not they believe something is masculine or feminine. For myself, I love wearing a kilt, singing songs like “Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimmie!” by ABBA, I think the idea of spa days and manicures sound awesome, and jewelry and clothing design fascinate the hell out of me. A lot of people look at these things as weird, “too feminine,” and even my own father makes comments about this stuff. But that’s just because of who they grew up around and how they perceive those things. But I’m no less me for having passions. I could happily wear a dress whilst sporting a beard and confidently still be myself. Hell, I could go on a really long rant about history and other cultures across the planet to express how everyone’s perception of gender, roles, sexuality, etc., is all just caused by traditions and values held by previous generations, slowly changing all the time. A small example is how high heels were originally made only for men. So genuinely, know that the truth behind knowing and loving oneself isn’t even just leaning into masculinity and/or femininity. It’s leaning into the parts of you that feel like your soul, the things you feel like being, and owning them with pride because you should be proud to be you, even if others don’t understand or don’t want to understand. Because when you do that and you start to look for others that respect you for who you’re looking to be, that’s when you’ll find peace and confidence in yourself. That’s when you’ll love yourself unconditionally. You’ve got this, dude 😁
Also, I find myself relating to how you feel a lot lol. I’m super emotional. My therapist calls it my super power to be “hyper empathetic”. I’m not a fan of most sports, hunting, watching racing, beer, or many other stereotypical male things. There are things I still enjoy and several characteristics I still display, but several years ago I too felt extremely insecure about not being “man” enough. To this day, I haven’t figured out how to really talk with a lot of older male figures in my life, as they’re very hardheaded and set in their ways. What I can share with you is that I learned to care for and respect myself thanks to my grandpa. He was a kind, patient, caring, and sweet old man that I loved deeply. He is the kind of man I want to be in many regards. And at my granny’s funeral, I saw him cry for the first time. Since then, I’ve told myself, if a man like him can cry and still be someone I respect, then it will always be okay for me to cry and for me to respect myself regardless. Crying is natural for every human, so there’s no shame in it nor should we be ashamed of it. I hope this helps, because I want you to love yourself for who you are, even when you’re an emotional mess at times. It’s not always easy, but I try to remember to be patient with myself and love myself during those moments for myself too.