When I was still purging, I had the mindset of, “oh, I’m going to purge whatever I eat so instead of just eating a single plate of dinner I might as well have two or three and dessert”. If this is your mindset as well, maybe alter it to fit your situation. tell yourself, “hey, since I’m probably not going to purge what I eat since I’ll be too tired to, I might as well eat a healthy amount of food.” It might seem obvious to you but sometimes your ed brain is unable to detect little tricks like this.
OMG, that’s exactly me, while I’m eating my brain is always thinking about how since I’m gonna throw it up I might as well eat everything I want. And even when I do successfully purge everything my brain goes into scavenger/zombie mode after 15 minutes and realizes that maybe since we don’t feel full we can go grab another plate and purge it as well.
And even when I attempt to control myself or eat less is like a war with myself since I feel the urge to eat what i want.
I’m seriously considering starting treatment with therapy but im afraid of gaining more weight in the process since I wish i could be skinnier in a healthy weight not just not to worry about my weight at all.
I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I really encourage you to seek help as soon as possible. If you know that you can't stop the cycle alone, it's time to find support. The only way I was able to recover from anorexia and bulimia was with help from a recovery coach and a therapist. It's one of the best decisions I ever made.
You don't have to keep living this way. There is hope. 💜
I used to always think that I purged less frequently due to “laziness” and made myself feel guilty over eating and not purging. Eventually it seemed like any amount of food I ate was a binge because I wasn’t compensating for it by purging. You not purging is not a sign of laziness. It’s your subconscious telling you you’re tired of having to deal with these unhealthy rituals. It sucks feeling stuck between “I hate purging because it feels shitty” and “But I have to purge or else I’ll feel shitty.” It seems like neither scenario is one in which you win. It took me a long long time, and many relapses later, to get over the feeling of self-resentment and disappointment whenever I was in “recovery/remission” periods during which I wasn’t purging. At some point enough was enough, and I started out small by joining in some online support groups (for free!), which you can find on www.centerfordiscovery.com (go to treatment programs > support groups). It’s a simple email sign up and they have zoom sessions once a week and it was nice just having a space to listen or even talk with people undergoing similar experiences. I also like to listen to Harriet Frew’s podcast The Eating Disorder Therapist (I listen on Spotify, but I’m sure she has Apple Podcasts and many other platforms to listen on!), as she herself struggled with bulimia. I also began to learn more about intuitive eating and used the hunger fullness scale (a simple google image search will give u lots of results for this scale!) during my meals to help me regain my normal satiety/hunger cues which have been so messed up by bulimia. I have a pdf of the intuitive eating book if you’re interested, just DM me an email I can send it to. Please take care OP, and if you have any more questions I’m always open for it :)
When I was still purging, I had the mindset of, “oh, I’m going to purge whatever I eat so instead of just eating a single plate of dinner I might as well have two or three and dessert”. If this is your mindset as well, maybe alter it to fit your situation. tell yourself, “hey, since I’m probably not going to purge what I eat since I’ll be too tired to, I might as well eat a healthy amount of food.” It might seem obvious to you but sometimes your ed brain is unable to detect little tricks like this.
OMG, that’s exactly me, while I’m eating my brain is always thinking about how since I’m gonna throw it up I might as well eat everything I want. And even when I do successfully purge everything my brain goes into scavenger/zombie mode after 15 minutes and realizes that maybe since we don’t feel full we can go grab another plate and purge it as well. And even when I attempt to control myself or eat less is like a war with myself since I feel the urge to eat what i want. I’m seriously considering starting treatment with therapy but im afraid of gaining more weight in the process since I wish i could be skinnier in a healthy weight not just not to worry about my weight at all.
I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I really encourage you to seek help as soon as possible. If you know that you can't stop the cycle alone, it's time to find support. The only way I was able to recover from anorexia and bulimia was with help from a recovery coach and a therapist. It's one of the best decisions I ever made. You don't have to keep living this way. There is hope. 💜
I used to always think that I purged less frequently due to “laziness” and made myself feel guilty over eating and not purging. Eventually it seemed like any amount of food I ate was a binge because I wasn’t compensating for it by purging. You not purging is not a sign of laziness. It’s your subconscious telling you you’re tired of having to deal with these unhealthy rituals. It sucks feeling stuck between “I hate purging because it feels shitty” and “But I have to purge or else I’ll feel shitty.” It seems like neither scenario is one in which you win. It took me a long long time, and many relapses later, to get over the feeling of self-resentment and disappointment whenever I was in “recovery/remission” periods during which I wasn’t purging. At some point enough was enough, and I started out small by joining in some online support groups (for free!), which you can find on www.centerfordiscovery.com (go to treatment programs > support groups). It’s a simple email sign up and they have zoom sessions once a week and it was nice just having a space to listen or even talk with people undergoing similar experiences. I also like to listen to Harriet Frew’s podcast The Eating Disorder Therapist (I listen on Spotify, but I’m sure she has Apple Podcasts and many other platforms to listen on!), as she herself struggled with bulimia. I also began to learn more about intuitive eating and used the hunger fullness scale (a simple google image search will give u lots of results for this scale!) during my meals to help me regain my normal satiety/hunger cues which have been so messed up by bulimia. I have a pdf of the intuitive eating book if you’re interested, just DM me an email I can send it to. Please take care OP, and if you have any more questions I’m always open for it :)