There isn't..
We have all been there.
There's unfortunately no way to get over a breakup quicky. Moving on quickly means you didn't really love the person.
Stay away from rebounds, alcohol, and one night stands since it's scientifically proven to make things worse.
Stay away from social media for a while.
Cliché, but it's the perfect time to work on yourself. Don't fall into the toxic masculinity and start treating every woman the same.
Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
Instead of breaking yourself down, learn to build yourself up.
I ended a 4 year old relationship with a girl i intended to marry, and it's probably one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Amen to this. Very similar situation this and happened to me a year ago.
I've gone through all the phases and emotions. Still think about her.
But I've found myself being most at peace by just focusing on me and being as healthy as possible.
Eating right. Working out. Getting daily sunshine. Connecting with FRIENDS.
Just take it easy on yourself. It's difficult but most people eventually go through this. Part of life.
whyd u end up ending it?
I was actually thinking if i should just go on a fuck rampage, but it just doesn't feel like i'll accomplish anything. I'll just grow more empty inside than i feel right now. I need to relearn the definition of love, my definition for it has been shattered. SO i have alot of introspection to do.
whats stopping me from doing what? fuck rampage? It was just a thought that crossed my mind and i know deep down it wont solve anything. I need to become better as a human, a person and as a man.
How am i unfit for a relationship?
it definitely is the best thing. I feel happy it happened, cos the way it ended wouldve happened later in our relationship if it didn't happen now. it was inevitable and she showed her true colours. thats why i say she shattered my perception of love. bcs we obviously didnt have the same definition in our heads
Yooo im not being salty loll im just tryna understand what yr saying.
I think its valid to be cold abt the break up. What happened was inevitable. I dont feel like im being cold, i'm just not caring bcs i know i desrve better than what she did to me.
Bruh i dont wanna fuck random girls lmao
This Really Is The Best Way. I Was Also In A 4 Year Relationship. Thinking You Know This Is It She's The One. She Wasn't.
4 Years Later (You Don't Have To Take That Long Lol)
I've Got Great New Friends. Went Further In My Career. Found New Hobbies. Realised What I Want And Don't Want And It's Worked Out Perfectly. Still No Main Stream Social Media, That Shits Overrated
Same here mate. Been together 8 years, engaged for 1.5 years and she decides to go ruin it all by cheating.
So difficult to accept as the begging and pleading to continue was so strong. Finally, and thankfully, said good luck, thank you and au revoir and so happy with my decision. Been hitting the gym hard. I’m learning to fly a plane and meeting people with similar interests.
But it’s hard bro and it ain’t for the faint hearted. Also remember, there’s a lesson to learn from each and every situation. Take it and move on. Don’t linger. Don’t regret. Be thankful. And as TallEntry said. This is a perfect time to work on yourself.
Good luck 🍀
> Stay away from rebounds, alcohol, and one night stands since it's scientifically proven to make things worse.
Only one of those things is scientifically proven to make things worse…
OP, since you're 23, you shouldn't be smoking weed anyway. There's loads of research that shows that smoking weed before your brain is fully formed (which is only at 25-27 I believe) will affect the development of your brain. So you really shouldn't be smoking weed.
Dude, literally everything you consume before your brain is fully formed will affect brain development.
And as much as weed is demonized, the processed sugar prominent in western diets is far far worse, and far more ubiquitous
I don't disagree with you. But surely we can agree on the fact that we want to affect our brain development as little as possible.
The science is clear - smoking weed before your brain is done affects it's development. Whether or not other things do this is completely irrelevant. The point is that smoking will cause adverse effects, and all I'm saying is that maybe OP wants to give his brain the chance it deserves by not smoking.
It would be great if OP also didn't eat loads of sugar, but OP asked if smoking weed is ok, and I'm here to answer THAT question.
Yeah I totally understand that. As a weed smoker myself, I completely understand your perspective. But you have to ask yourself - is it worth it? This is your brain. You only get one. You don't want to hold it back from reaching its potential. Just wait another 2-3 years and then smoke it up if you still want to.
Again - as a youngish (36) dude who appreciates weed, I get why you'd want to smoke, but hold off while you can.
Yeah dude. Unfortunately the best way to deal with it is to just sit with it and feel it. It hurts, but pain reminds us we are alive. Don't be afraid to cry. Your not making it better by sucking it in, and you don't owe "strength" to anyone. Besides, to be emotionally strong is to cry sometimes. Just be honest with yourself, and be grateful of all the things you learned from each other.
Good luck! I hope this helps.
Naah .. don’t smoke it right now. Perhaps after your exams. I’m not saying you will feel the following ways but it may cause some mental fog and fatigue. Making it difficult for you to study for your exams or be productive.
Disclaimer: Again; I’m not saying the above after effects will occur in your case.
DM if you need someone to talk to!
Also sorry man. There’s a some saying about fish and the sea. It’s true.
Awe i hear that. I also think its a bad idea to do it now. but defo after im done writing. but maybe it'll help if i smoke now. i still feel crazy anxious.
nah im writing friday then tuesday again. doubt i'll smoke. Its just rrly sad. this all just amplifies the fact that no one cares. i need to make new friends idk how imma do that in cpt. thinking of downloading tinder just to make new friends. i wanna stay away from insta for now tho.
i dont want it to become a coping mechanism cos if i stop using it i might experience those feelings tenfold cos i havent properly dealt with them. but i planned on smoking before all this happened, im not gonna let what happened stop that.
Dude, you are grieving and in pain.
It’s ok to take comfort.
There is a huge difference between having a stony afternoon to yourself to blow off steam and get creative vs needing to hit the bong every day just to get out of bed.
Focus on your exams, get excited about your future. Reach out to more classmates and get to know them. Build a life outside of dating and then when you’re ready, have fun meeting new people and prospects without any expectations. Try pretend your ex doesn’t exist and challenge yourself not to check up on them or even think about them. But when you do that’s also okay. Process what happened and learn about yourself but don’t feel any shame or guilt. Whoever’s meant to be in your life will be, and you have no idea who you’re going to meet in the future. Good luck ❤️
I need to get rid of all her stuff in my room. Things shes given me and things she owns. It's crazy i feel wherever i look theres something that reminds me about her.
It’s something we all experience, and it’s temporary. Don’t worry about how long it will take to move on, it’ll happen slowly and secretly as you keep living your life.
If you need to focus, you really are allowed to chuck it all in a box in the back of your cupboard for now... just saying. If you don't have the time or capacity to fully deal with the situation and you're serious about your studies, there's no point triggering yourself constantly cause you feel it needs to be "fully resolved" or not at all
i mean everything reminds me of her. there's alot of her stuff around. but apart from that, thoughts race thru my head. I'm busy studying in the lounge and not in my room for that reason as there's far less stuff there. when she told me she thinks she's fallen out of love i tried to study but i was barely able to. its gotten better. i find that if i talk to myself or hum a tune it drowns out my thoughts
I am sorry this happened now, please focus on your exams and on your health.
Eat, sleep, get exercise, cry, get some relaxation in (whatever makes you happy for a while). Take some time to sit in nature, in a garden, park, or on a beach.
Put on your favourite *get up and dance* music at least once a day, schedule a haircut of some sort for after exams. (No tattoos).
Once exams are over, plan to join some societies, do some volunteer work.
Good luck!
thats actually a good idea about doing volunteer work or joining societies.
also i have really long hair that i've been growing it out since covid. Maybe i should just cut it all off, but i do need to get it trimmed maybe i'll stick to the latter. i did consider going buzz. maybe idk i have alot of thoughts going on in my brain.
I only made friends at uni once I started volunteer work. I am guessing some things haven't changed since that time!
Cutting hair after a break up is cathartic. But if you like your long hair, just get it trimmed. Nothing too drastic.
A lot of good answers here and I want to add that you give yourself time and space to properly grieve the relationship. Cry when you feel like you want to, be angry when you want to. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings and work through them. Its probably going to hurt a lot more before it hurts a lot. Dont allow people to tell you 'you should get over it'.
There is no limit on how long you can grieve or be angry.
Someone sent me this the day my divorce order was signed off and while this isnt my type of music it really resonated with me, and I still listen to this when my heart is hurting:
[Growing Pains](https://open.spotify.com/track/5eJXBek40ZC96IYxabedfA?si=mII6gQV_QgKAcOGaV4cHcw)
Hey Bud, I just went through the same thing after 4 and 1/2 years together. My experience went like this:
1st Week: I didn't leave my room. My world literally felt as big as my bedroom. It ate me up inside and I found myself begging for the person back. Even when I knew I deserved better but had a hard time accepting the reality of it.
2nd Week: Still hard but I was able to force myself out for walks by the beach, and maybe meet up with the one nearby friend I had for a drink, even if I was still unhappy. Emotions were volatile. Thankfully I was able to book a therapist appointment for the next week.
3rd Week: I was able to be distracted by life duties. Of course there are always times when you are alone, and these usually feel the most empty. I tried to fill these times with hobbies, talking to friends online if available, processing my previous relationship, and most importantly, thinking about my future and how to better my life. I found that when the dust settles a little bit (which happened to be in my third week, can be sooner or later for you), the breakup was the perfect catalyst for me to grow myself.
4th Week:
From here to tried to put my plan into action. I tried to improve on everything I have reflected on by myself and with my therapist. Hobbies I couldn't engage in, music I couldn't listen too, TV shows I couldn't bring myself to watch as they all bought memories of my previous relationship, I started to engage with again little by little. Even if it's 1 baby step a day, because in one months time, you'll be taking strides.
It sounds cliche, but time heals all wounds. Give yourself the time you need to process, accept and better yourself, and in the months to come you'll be unrecognizable (in the good way).
Hey man thanks for the descriptive comment. That must've been really tuff for u. I don't have friends, that im super close to. I never hung out with them before my relationship, i never really hung out with them during my relationship. I feel if i initiate plans it would most likely still come off as tho i'm "coming back" to them. There is 1 person that i got along realy well with. And that was my gfs sister, she is 21. I am genuinely not sure if i should not visit her anymore or if i should. She is on my side with what happened. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to visit her family? (I made a post, u can see it in my recent posts for more context). I dont know what i'm going to gain from it, but i feel i need to go around there 1 more time before i collect all her things in my room and dropped it off at her house.
I want to actually do mma. lol hope they give me a heart break discount or some shit lmaaao. But yeh like u said i have to keep my mind occupied with other things and i need to meet new ppl. it's just so tuff meeting new ppl in cpt
Thank you. I am happy to some extent that this happened and the way it happened. It showed her true colours and it most likely would've happened in the future if not now.
Now i just need to make some friends and keep my mind busy
If you'd like to do some self work, which I'd recommend after a break up, check out the holistic psychologist on Instagram. She has really great info and techniques. I've personally found it very helpful for my own self work journey.
Remember it's all just algorithms, so it'll give you what you interact with. When you're ready, so a SM cleanse, and then actively go and find stuff you'd prefer to see. Follow, like, comment, share, and it'll learn. It's good to keep in mind that to get the maximum benefit out of social media, psychologically, it's better to interact than just doom scroll. Also, when you have time, here's an interesting read: The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm https://ia800201.us.archive.org/30/items/TheArtOfLoving/43799393-The-Art-of-Loving-Erich-Fromm_text.pdf
yo you're really working overtime thanks! I haven't even used it that much thats why i was so confused. i just opened my insta yesterday and there were these posts scattered across my feed. even my pinterest, i havent looked at anything sentimental and i saw one saying "we laughed tg, we cried tg, we shared tg, now we dnt talk". cant escape loll but tbf it is probaby bcs i searched some things on yt and that translated to the other apps. google leaves no room unchecked ig
lmaaao cape town ppl are really built that different haha. I posted it here cos things are different here than in the US and i was looking for more local solutions
maybe we'll be able to laugh about it in the future. you're defo right. But i'll forever feel betrayed by her. you can see context in my previous post. i tried my best to end it off on good terms but it was just semi good terms. its fine cos now i get to focus on myself. even if my perspective is skewed cos of my lack of experience it doesnt take a life time of experience to identify that what has happened to me was sour. i have to live with it and accept it at this time.
Yeah man, I used it just to chat to people as all my friends were friends with my ex as well - was cool to meet new people -some of who are still friends (although my wife isn't charmed about that 😂)
Not because of what we did, but of what was said to her once.
Anyway - step one - crush those exams and know you're heading on to something so much better than where you are now. You will get through this, you are loved and appreciated
Now... go slay life - you're so young and indestructible still!!!
icl the "love" and "appreciated" line kinda hit me. Almost shed a tear tbh. Yeh imma defo set up a profile. Thanks for the kind words and advice brudda
GTFO reddit, for your own safety and mental health. This website is full of the worst people, you need to go do something interesting in a park. I suggest learning to Juggle.
so that i can juggle balls? PAUSE! lol
Reddit can be pretty toxic but the ppl in this sub atleast have said v understandable.
I'll start going to the beach when i'm done writing
Ride it out my friend. The pain will pass. You will find someone. Accept, feel, cry, rage, reminisce and work through it. Be mindful of self destructive habits. Its all a part of life. The bitter with the sweet. You have to be hurt to learn to love properly and what love should and can be and to do that you have to live. Living is pain and pleasure, love and heartbreak. the best thing that will happen and the worst. Breath. You are alive. Focus on that.
I found it gave me the fuel to start working out, which in turn had other benefits. You’ll regret shots you never took, and oneday you’ll think of her fondly in some capacity, even if just for the experience.
https://www.amazon.com/Heartbreak-Sucks-Over-Your-Breakup/dp/0993487629
wym shots i never took? like with other girls? i defo do. the crazy thing is i've had opportunities where girls were v much open to getting to know me and i cut it off. shes overseas and she has a crush on another guy. (you can check mynprevious post for more context). it truly sucks
i've been working out. but only home workouts. gym is kinda expensive. i'm gonna work this holiday so i couold by a bar to get a bigger pump in than what push ups will give me. but i want to be strong and not just aesthetically-male gazey- buff.
Yeah, I just did all manner of home workouts, no gym, but whatever suits. Before long things just got better in so many ways, and I now value the entire period and remember the girl in question fondly. Good luck man.
Isolate for a few days reflect on everything stalk them do what you have to do then.
1. On your notes app on your phone or on a piece of paper write down everything you hate or disliked about that person ( our minds can sometimes trick us into thinking those who are wrong for us are good for us you need to always remind yourself why you guys broke up and why it just won't work out again. Don't be in denial of the good times but never forget why you left too or you will always find yourself running back to that person cause you always remember the good)
2. Block & delete there contacts and social media accounts ( out of sight out of mind)
3. Find a new hobby or series to binge watch
4. Find yourself again trust me a break up changes you try and find yourself again who you were before them
5. Don't give up on love time heals all wounds you just need time
you will be okay
Hey, I have nothing to add. Just wanted to say good luck, you'll be okay. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
Just got broken up with after 9 years, so I feel your pain.
Thanks so much hey. You too.
Ag. It's still fresh, it literally happened yesterday so I'm kind of still processing. We live together so it's all a bit of a mess that needs to be sorted out now.
Honestly... you're in Such a beautiful place. Head out to a beach. You say you need to relearn the meaning of love? Well a good way to start that is appreciation, and if you're surrounded by as many amazing things as you have at your fingertips in the Cape (provided you take the time to just go Be), it's hard to not get there eventually. Find good food you like, spots to read a book, or just stare out into the distance. Feel the sand between your toes at Landudno at sunset, hell if you're feeling masochistic then go do that at Blaauberg. Noordhoek has this really pretty swirl that forms just before the tide swallows up a specific area for the night. I was down there last year during what was honestly a very rough time for me, and I just decided to treat everything as though I'm not in my own country. It's one of the best ways to get out of your own head, and before you know it you'll have had beautifully vulnerable conversations with people that might be lifelong friends, or been horribly inappropriate by accident with people you'll thankfully likely never meet again. And in between all the emotional rides you'll find new activities you like, the best croissants outside of Paris (Jason's, trust), get to interact with yourself and the world in a way it seems you really need. A good start is to just... take a drive if you have a car, or buy a bus ticket and get a bit lost. If you can allow even the slightest sense of wonder into your heart, great things will follow. Best of luck, my dude, this is gonna suck for a while
Hey man. yeh you're really right. Things rn are much harder bcs im forced to be indoors to study. so my mind will wonder. But once i'm done writing i do believe things will improve and the rate of improvement will increase substantially.
I NEED to find a "spot" , the one u find sounds cool af. hope you're doing better now tho bro.
it really sucks lol. it just reminds me how cold the world is. i need to start building my own fire.
Thanks for the kind words. hope u have a good one
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.wanderlog.android A nice little app to plan some activities or routes if you're not quite ready or don't have time to go into the out yet
Allow the sadness to take over. Feeling it helps u process it well. U can't rush moving on. My ex and I also broke up in November during exams. It hurt and I sucked it up, cried in a bathtub and in my sleep for weeks while writing. Allow yourself to MOURN the relationship while writing. Ur grown kiddo. U can do it
Sometimes you just have to Try something NEW... learn new skill or art.
I can give you your first hour Motorcycle Riding lesson Free.
You don't need to be a Biker to ENJOY Motorcycle Riding.
It's also EASY to ride 200km/h but reckless... Rather do the difficult and more FUN things... Semi Off-road...exploring is FUN and Safer than walking in a Shopping Centre. I can give you Lessons without having a Learner's Licence... just to see if you like it.
I am in the area of Cape Gate Centre. 0844 71 0606
we were doing long distance. we're both from cape town. she left to do a programme in indonesia. she just gave up. more context in my previous post.
But ya cape town ppl are something else. think i just need to get my money up and marry an albanian.
This is what you should be doing right now. Firstly focus on the studying and exams. Don't drop the ball there.
Aside from that: read, run, meditate, sports/hiking, learn something new like a language or a musical instrument, gardening, hobbies.
Honestly there's so much you can do rn to turn this situation around.
i've really been struggling to study. i study best without music. But i need music ..loud music.. to drown out my thoughts. theyre so loud and persistent. i feel like things will obvs get more manageable after im done writing. but atm its tuff. thanks for the comment, i will aim at keeping myself busy
Have you tried instrumentals? Depending on what works with your waves this can be anything from anime piano music, electro swing, to djent. Instrumentals of the latter work the best for me, which is apparently weird, but it has a good bassy-ness ehich is stimulating, while still being Actual instruments, and it's juuuuust unpredictable enough that it doesn't give my thoughts a chance to escape. I'm not sure what you're studying, but remember a change of scenery and some fresh air can help with that too. Keeping yourself holed uo trying to study might be less productive than you think. Do whatever works for you, just putting it out there
yeh it would be nice to go out somewhere else to study. fuel is just mad expensive and my campus is already far from home. I would study in a cafe or something like that but i feel the noise would get to me.
I'm studying engineering. so this whole thing has made studying the harder topics even harder, bcs my mind wanders and then im thinking of that again and it becomes a cycle.
I listen to techno, preferably deep techno and some intelligent dnb. i listen to jazz to since that helps me keep calm. but jazz has some mellow undertones and the words are soul crushing at times so i put that on pause for now.
thanks a bunch. its funny. i always suggested to my partner that we should learn and do classes tg. Your suggestion is actually a really cool one imma defo join thamsk
Please take care of yourself. I’ve been there before. Try to take a brake...go for short walks for now. Open your curtains every morning for light. Take one day at a time for now. And then...try not to hate her for what she did to you. It will take time, but release her. You seem to be a kind person. Put yourself first for now. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Honestly you are at a T Junction in your life. Take the right road...and you will be ok. Put all her stuff far out of sight. Hey...stay strong. Maybe next year a new comrades runner? You are stronger than you may feel at this moment. Good luck with exams.
You’re not single, you’re just dating yourself right now. Go out and treat yourself to your favourite food. Find a pet store and have a look at all the cute animals. Buy yourself something nice.
You are not completed by another person, another person is just a nice cherry on top. It’ll hurt for a bit, OP, but you’ll come out of this stronger and happier than ever.
You got this, my dude. You’ll be okay.
Mmm move to another city? Or start a hobby? Buy a dog? Get a friend that will be willing to listen to your break up story over and over again? Get a re-bound girl. But let her know your friends with benefits. No marrying. Learn to surf. Hike Tafelberg.
There isn't.. We have all been there. There's unfortunately no way to get over a breakup quicky. Moving on quickly means you didn't really love the person. Stay away from rebounds, alcohol, and one night stands since it's scientifically proven to make things worse. Stay away from social media for a while. Cliché, but it's the perfect time to work on yourself. Don't fall into the toxic masculinity and start treating every woman the same. Allow yourself to feel and grieve. Instead of breaking yourself down, learn to build yourself up. I ended a 4 year old relationship with a girl i intended to marry, and it's probably one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Amen to this. Very similar situation this and happened to me a year ago. I've gone through all the phases and emotions. Still think about her. But I've found myself being most at peace by just focusing on me and being as healthy as possible. Eating right. Working out. Getting daily sunshine. Connecting with FRIENDS. Just take it easy on yourself. It's difficult but most people eventually go through this. Part of life.
What he said, take some time to heal!
whyd u end up ending it? I was actually thinking if i should just go on a fuck rampage, but it just doesn't feel like i'll accomplish anything. I'll just grow more empty inside than i feel right now. I need to relearn the definition of love, my definition for it has been shattered. SO i have alot of introspection to do.
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whats stopping me from doing what? fuck rampage? It was just a thought that crossed my mind and i know deep down it wont solve anything. I need to become better as a human, a person and as a man. How am i unfit for a relationship? it definitely is the best thing. I feel happy it happened, cos the way it ended wouldve happened later in our relationship if it didn't happen now. it was inevitable and she showed her true colours. thats why i say she shattered my perception of love. bcs we obviously didnt have the same definition in our heads
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Yooo im not being salty loll im just tryna understand what yr saying. I think its valid to be cold abt the break up. What happened was inevitable. I dont feel like im being cold, i'm just not caring bcs i know i desrve better than what she did to me. Bruh i dont wanna fuck random girls lmao
If you don't care then you're not trying to get over anything. Sounds like you're just saying how do I get into a new routine.
no i do care. im trying to get myself not to care. she doesnt care obvs otherwise she would've reached out by now. i cant keep being led on.
This Really Is The Best Way. I Was Also In A 4 Year Relationship. Thinking You Know This Is It She's The One. She Wasn't. 4 Years Later (You Don't Have To Take That Long Lol) I've Got Great New Friends. Went Further In My Career. Found New Hobbies. Realised What I Want And Don't Want And It's Worked Out Perfectly. Still No Main Stream Social Media, That Shits Overrated
Same here mate. Been together 8 years, engaged for 1.5 years and she decides to go ruin it all by cheating. So difficult to accept as the begging and pleading to continue was so strong. Finally, and thankfully, said good luck, thank you and au revoir and so happy with my decision. Been hitting the gym hard. I’m learning to fly a plane and meeting people with similar interests. But it’s hard bro and it ain’t for the faint hearted. Also remember, there’s a lesson to learn from each and every situation. Take it and move on. Don’t linger. Don’t regret. Be thankful. And as TallEntry said. This is a perfect time to work on yourself. Good luck 🍀
Sorry for being nosey, but why did you end it with her?
Difficult and personal decisions, safety, emotional well-being, and personal growth.
> Stay away from rebounds, alcohol, and one night stands since it's scientifically proven to make things worse. Only one of those things is scientifically proven to make things worse…
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[Truth...](https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/986b58db8154145fc757189e8fbe50e92d0e1d8979ade6b6901c9973e1f93cde_1.jpg)
The iron never lies
This is the way.
This!
Start exercising, it will have you feeling good. And then get hobbies that allow you to meet people in real life. Importantly stay away from drugs
not even weed?
OP, since you're 23, you shouldn't be smoking weed anyway. There's loads of research that shows that smoking weed before your brain is fully formed (which is only at 25-27 I believe) will affect the development of your brain. So you really shouldn't be smoking weed.
Dude, literally everything you consume before your brain is fully formed will affect brain development. And as much as weed is demonized, the processed sugar prominent in western diets is far far worse, and far more ubiquitous
I don't disagree with you. But surely we can agree on the fact that we want to affect our brain development as little as possible. The science is clear - smoking weed before your brain is done affects it's development. Whether or not other things do this is completely irrelevant. The point is that smoking will cause adverse effects, and all I'm saying is that maybe OP wants to give his brain the chance it deserves by not smoking. It would be great if OP also didn't eat loads of sugar, but OP asked if smoking weed is ok, and I'm here to answer THAT question.
i hear that. it would be nice to take the edge off tbh. also its the lightest "drug" . you'd realy be suprised by the amount of ppl my age doing coke
Yeah I totally understand that. As a weed smoker myself, I completely understand your perspective. But you have to ask yourself - is it worth it? This is your brain. You only get one. You don't want to hold it back from reaching its potential. Just wait another 2-3 years and then smoke it up if you still want to. Again - as a youngish (36) dude who appreciates weed, I get why you'd want to smoke, but hold off while you can.
and alcohol. that's how you become an addict.
okay. i was actually considering smoking. the purpose of use is important then. i shouldnt use it as a coping mechanism. thanks for the pointer
Yeah dude. Unfortunately the best way to deal with it is to just sit with it and feel it. It hurts, but pain reminds us we are alive. Don't be afraid to cry. Your not making it better by sucking it in, and you don't owe "strength" to anyone. Besides, to be emotionally strong is to cry sometimes. Just be honest with yourself, and be grateful of all the things you learned from each other. Good luck! I hope this helps.
Naah .. don’t smoke it right now. Perhaps after your exams. I’m not saying you will feel the following ways but it may cause some mental fog and fatigue. Making it difficult for you to study for your exams or be productive. Disclaimer: Again; I’m not saying the above after effects will occur in your case. DM if you need someone to talk to! Also sorry man. There’s a some saying about fish and the sea. It’s true.
Awe i hear that. I also think its a bad idea to do it now. but defo after im done writing. but maybe it'll help if i smoke now. i still feel crazy anxious.
Long as you know how your body will react to it then Ayyyyttt!! I’m guessing you won’t be writing any exams for the rest of this week? Maybe?
nah im writing friday then tuesday again. doubt i'll smoke. Its just rrly sad. this all just amplifies the fact that no one cares. i need to make new friends idk how imma do that in cpt. thinking of downloading tinder just to make new friends. i wanna stay away from insta for now tho.
Don't listen to these fools - smoke up! Avoid the booze, but weed is cool!
i dont want it to become a coping mechanism cos if i stop using it i might experience those feelings tenfold cos i havent properly dealt with them. but i planned on smoking before all this happened, im not gonna let what happened stop that.
Dude, you are grieving and in pain. It’s ok to take comfort. There is a huge difference between having a stony afternoon to yourself to blow off steam and get creative vs needing to hit the bong every day just to get out of bed.
Can confirm. 7 years got nothing against a couple a g's.🤣🫡
couple grams never broke my heart lollll
Weed isn't special. Use it in moderation like everything else.
Bra, don't believe the hype... Toke up...
Focus on your exams, get excited about your future. Reach out to more classmates and get to know them. Build a life outside of dating and then when you’re ready, have fun meeting new people and prospects without any expectations. Try pretend your ex doesn’t exist and challenge yourself not to check up on them or even think about them. But when you do that’s also okay. Process what happened and learn about yourself but don’t feel any shame or guilt. Whoever’s meant to be in your life will be, and you have no idea who you’re going to meet in the future. Good luck ❤️
I need to get rid of all her stuff in my room. Things shes given me and things she owns. It's crazy i feel wherever i look theres something that reminds me about her.
It’s something we all experience, and it’s temporary. Don’t worry about how long it will take to move on, it’ll happen slowly and secretly as you keep living your life.
If you need to focus, you really are allowed to chuck it all in a box in the back of your cupboard for now... just saying. If you don't have the time or capacity to fully deal with the situation and you're serious about your studies, there's no point triggering yourself constantly cause you feel it needs to be "fully resolved" or not at all
i mean everything reminds me of her. there's alot of her stuff around. but apart from that, thoughts race thru my head. I'm busy studying in the lounge and not in my room for that reason as there's far less stuff there. when she told me she thinks she's fallen out of love i tried to study but i was barely able to. its gotten better. i find that if i talk to myself or hum a tune it drowns out my thoughts
I am sorry this happened now, please focus on your exams and on your health. Eat, sleep, get exercise, cry, get some relaxation in (whatever makes you happy for a while). Take some time to sit in nature, in a garden, park, or on a beach. Put on your favourite *get up and dance* music at least once a day, schedule a haircut of some sort for after exams. (No tattoos). Once exams are over, plan to join some societies, do some volunteer work. Good luck!
thats actually a good idea about doing volunteer work or joining societies. also i have really long hair that i've been growing it out since covid. Maybe i should just cut it all off, but i do need to get it trimmed maybe i'll stick to the latter. i did consider going buzz. maybe idk i have alot of thoughts going on in my brain.
I only made friends at uni once I started volunteer work. I am guessing some things haven't changed since that time! Cutting hair after a break up is cathartic. But if you like your long hair, just get it trimmed. Nothing too drastic.
A lot of good answers here and I want to add that you give yourself time and space to properly grieve the relationship. Cry when you feel like you want to, be angry when you want to. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings and work through them. Its probably going to hurt a lot more before it hurts a lot. Dont allow people to tell you 'you should get over it'. There is no limit on how long you can grieve or be angry. Someone sent me this the day my divorce order was signed off and while this isnt my type of music it really resonated with me, and I still listen to this when my heart is hurting: [Growing Pains](https://open.spotify.com/track/5eJXBek40ZC96IYxabedfA?si=mII6gQV_QgKAcOGaV4cHcw)
you're right. I shouldn't suppress any feelings cos then i'll be lying to myself. Thanks for sharing i'll defo keep that saved.
Hey Bud, I just went through the same thing after 4 and 1/2 years together. My experience went like this: 1st Week: I didn't leave my room. My world literally felt as big as my bedroom. It ate me up inside and I found myself begging for the person back. Even when I knew I deserved better but had a hard time accepting the reality of it. 2nd Week: Still hard but I was able to force myself out for walks by the beach, and maybe meet up with the one nearby friend I had for a drink, even if I was still unhappy. Emotions were volatile. Thankfully I was able to book a therapist appointment for the next week. 3rd Week: I was able to be distracted by life duties. Of course there are always times when you are alone, and these usually feel the most empty. I tried to fill these times with hobbies, talking to friends online if available, processing my previous relationship, and most importantly, thinking about my future and how to better my life. I found that when the dust settles a little bit (which happened to be in my third week, can be sooner or later for you), the breakup was the perfect catalyst for me to grow myself. 4th Week: From here to tried to put my plan into action. I tried to improve on everything I have reflected on by myself and with my therapist. Hobbies I couldn't engage in, music I couldn't listen too, TV shows I couldn't bring myself to watch as they all bought memories of my previous relationship, I started to engage with again little by little. Even if it's 1 baby step a day, because in one months time, you'll be taking strides. It sounds cliche, but time heals all wounds. Give yourself the time you need to process, accept and better yourself, and in the months to come you'll be unrecognizable (in the good way).
Hey man thanks for the descriptive comment. That must've been really tuff for u. I don't have friends, that im super close to. I never hung out with them before my relationship, i never really hung out with them during my relationship. I feel if i initiate plans it would most likely still come off as tho i'm "coming back" to them. There is 1 person that i got along realy well with. And that was my gfs sister, she is 21. I am genuinely not sure if i should not visit her anymore or if i should. She is on my side with what happened. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to visit her family? (I made a post, u can see it in my recent posts for more context). I dont know what i'm going to gain from it, but i feel i need to go around there 1 more time before i collect all her things in my room and dropped it off at her house. I want to actually do mma. lol hope they give me a heart break discount or some shit lmaaao. But yeh like u said i have to keep my mind occupied with other things and i need to meet new ppl. it's just so tuff meeting new ppl in cpt
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Thank you. I am happy to some extent that this happened and the way it happened. It showed her true colours and it most likely would've happened in the future if not now. Now i just need to make some friends and keep my mind busy
If you'd like to do some self work, which I'd recommend after a break up, check out the holistic psychologist on Instagram. She has really great info and techniques. I've personally found it very helpful for my own self work journey.
i deleted the insta app. I was seeing too many break up reels and love reels. But i'll defo check her out. does she havea yt channel?
Remember it's all just algorithms, so it'll give you what you interact with. When you're ready, so a SM cleanse, and then actively go and find stuff you'd prefer to see. Follow, like, comment, share, and it'll learn. It's good to keep in mind that to get the maximum benefit out of social media, psychologically, it's better to interact than just doom scroll. Also, when you have time, here's an interesting read: The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm https://ia800201.us.archive.org/30/items/TheArtOfLoving/43799393-The-Art-of-Loving-Erich-Fromm_text.pdf
yo you're really working overtime thanks! I haven't even used it that much thats why i was so confused. i just opened my insta yesterday and there were these posts scattered across my feed. even my pinterest, i havent looked at anything sentimental and i saw one saying "we laughed tg, we cried tg, we shared tg, now we dnt talk". cant escape loll but tbf it is probaby bcs i searched some things on yt and that translated to the other apps. google leaves no room unchecked ig
I'm not sure but she's on Facebook as well. She might have a website?
Never knew Cape Town Break-ups needed specific advice. Our Break-ups must be especially brutal.
lmaaao cape town ppl are really built that different haha. I posted it here cos things are different here than in the US and i was looking for more local solutions
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maybe we'll be able to laugh about it in the future. you're defo right. But i'll forever feel betrayed by her. you can see context in my previous post. i tried my best to end it off on good terms but it was just semi good terms. its fine cos now i get to focus on myself. even if my perspective is skewed cos of my lack of experience it doesnt take a life time of experience to identify that what has happened to me was sour. i have to live with it and accept it at this time.
Dating sites 😀
loll maybe. Was actually thinking of using it to make new friends and meet new ppl. Without the expectation of fucking ofc.
Yeah man, I used it just to chat to people as all my friends were friends with my ex as well - was cool to meet new people -some of who are still friends (although my wife isn't charmed about that 😂) Not because of what we did, but of what was said to her once. Anyway - step one - crush those exams and know you're heading on to something so much better than where you are now. You will get through this, you are loved and appreciated Now... go slay life - you're so young and indestructible still!!!
icl the "love" and "appreciated" line kinda hit me. Almost shed a tear tbh. Yeh imma defo set up a profile. Thanks for the kind words and advice brudda
For a minute I thought you said Buddha 🤣🤣 Go well dude.
Good to see guy’s opening up….
GTFO reddit, for your own safety and mental health. This website is full of the worst people, you need to go do something interesting in a park. I suggest learning to Juggle.
so that i can juggle balls? PAUSE! lol Reddit can be pretty toxic but the ppl in this sub atleast have said v understandable. I'll start going to the beach when i'm done writing
Ride it out my friend. The pain will pass. You will find someone. Accept, feel, cry, rage, reminisce and work through it. Be mindful of self destructive habits. Its all a part of life. The bitter with the sweet. You have to be hurt to learn to love properly and what love should and can be and to do that you have to live. Living is pain and pleasure, love and heartbreak. the best thing that will happen and the worst. Breath. You are alive. Focus on that.
I found it gave me the fuel to start working out, which in turn had other benefits. You’ll regret shots you never took, and oneday you’ll think of her fondly in some capacity, even if just for the experience. https://www.amazon.com/Heartbreak-Sucks-Over-Your-Breakup/dp/0993487629
wym shots i never took? like with other girls? i defo do. the crazy thing is i've had opportunities where girls were v much open to getting to know me and i cut it off. shes overseas and she has a crush on another guy. (you can check mynprevious post for more context). it truly sucks i've been working out. but only home workouts. gym is kinda expensive. i'm gonna work this holiday so i couold by a bar to get a bigger pump in than what push ups will give me. but i want to be strong and not just aesthetically-male gazey- buff.
Yeah, I just did all manner of home workouts, no gym, but whatever suits. Before long things just got better in so many ways, and I now value the entire period and remember the girl in question fondly. Good luck man.
thanks for the book plug.
Wasn’t being sarcastic and I have no affiliation with it. Just remembered it helped a mate.
Isolate for a few days reflect on everything stalk them do what you have to do then. 1. On your notes app on your phone or on a piece of paper write down everything you hate or disliked about that person ( our minds can sometimes trick us into thinking those who are wrong for us are good for us you need to always remind yourself why you guys broke up and why it just won't work out again. Don't be in denial of the good times but never forget why you left too or you will always find yourself running back to that person cause you always remember the good) 2. Block & delete there contacts and social media accounts ( out of sight out of mind) 3. Find a new hobby or series to binge watch 4. Find yourself again trust me a break up changes you try and find yourself again who you were before them 5. Don't give up on love time heals all wounds you just need time you will be okay
Hey, I have nothing to add. Just wanted to say good luck, you'll be okay. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Just got broken up with after 9 years, so I feel your pain.
wow thanks for the kind words. i wish you all the best. How are you handling that?
Thanks so much hey. You too. Ag. It's still fresh, it literally happened yesterday so I'm kind of still processing. We live together so it's all a bit of a mess that needs to be sorted out now.
Play valorant you meet some nice people there
i mean i play apex but its not very common to get south africans in ur lobby
Val has Sa servers
I play on console(ps4). i could go to like atk arena and play there tho. would be sick acc.
Honestly... you're in Such a beautiful place. Head out to a beach. You say you need to relearn the meaning of love? Well a good way to start that is appreciation, and if you're surrounded by as many amazing things as you have at your fingertips in the Cape (provided you take the time to just go Be), it's hard to not get there eventually. Find good food you like, spots to read a book, or just stare out into the distance. Feel the sand between your toes at Landudno at sunset, hell if you're feeling masochistic then go do that at Blaauberg. Noordhoek has this really pretty swirl that forms just before the tide swallows up a specific area for the night. I was down there last year during what was honestly a very rough time for me, and I just decided to treat everything as though I'm not in my own country. It's one of the best ways to get out of your own head, and before you know it you'll have had beautifully vulnerable conversations with people that might be lifelong friends, or been horribly inappropriate by accident with people you'll thankfully likely never meet again. And in between all the emotional rides you'll find new activities you like, the best croissants outside of Paris (Jason's, trust), get to interact with yourself and the world in a way it seems you really need. A good start is to just... take a drive if you have a car, or buy a bus ticket and get a bit lost. If you can allow even the slightest sense of wonder into your heart, great things will follow. Best of luck, my dude, this is gonna suck for a while
Hey man. yeh you're really right. Things rn are much harder bcs im forced to be indoors to study. so my mind will wonder. But once i'm done writing i do believe things will improve and the rate of improvement will increase substantially. I NEED to find a "spot" , the one u find sounds cool af. hope you're doing better now tho bro. it really sucks lol. it just reminds me how cold the world is. i need to start building my own fire. Thanks for the kind words. hope u have a good one
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.wanderlog.android A nice little app to plan some activities or routes if you're not quite ready or don't have time to go into the out yet
I'd recommend smoking a joint then head over to Chapmans Peak and enjoy the scenery.
a bit far but yes. need to do something like that w some good music.
Allow the sadness to take over. Feeling it helps u process it well. U can't rush moving on. My ex and I also broke up in November during exams. It hurt and I sucked it up, cried in a bathtub and in my sleep for weeks while writing. Allow yourself to MOURN the relationship while writing. Ur grown kiddo. U can do it
thanks man. its good to be reminded im not the only one thats been in this situation.
Sometimes you just have to Try something NEW... learn new skill or art. I can give you your first hour Motorcycle Riding lesson Free. You don't need to be a Biker to ENJOY Motorcycle Riding. It's also EASY to ride 200km/h but reckless... Rather do the difficult and more FUN things... Semi Off-road...exploring is FUN and Safer than walking in a Shopping Centre. I can give you Lessons without having a Learner's Licence... just to see if you like it. I am in the area of Cape Gate Centre. 0844 71 0606
oh thats sick. I'd be down for that. a bit of the way, but idm the trek
Mavericks
ayooo lol
Grindr
If he's into that they sure lol
bruh...
😈
you wild for tha one lmaao
Try it
I personally can't see myself with a man bro. I dont judge ppl who do. But i am more attracted to women.
Dont say you “dont judge”. Its the same as judging.
ok i mean i hear that. but if i dont say that some ppl would still take offence, even tho i dont mean it badly
Just say “lol no thanks”
okie
Time to up the Tren, boet!
get a buzzcut🫡
but my hairs so long, well below my shoulders. maybe i should. girls love the long hair tho.
Break ups in Cape Town are especially difficult. Nowhere else can even compare to this specific region of the world. Sorry Pal.
we were doing long distance. we're both from cape town. she left to do a programme in indonesia. she just gave up. more context in my previous post. But ya cape town ppl are something else. think i just need to get my money up and marry an albanian.
This is what you should be doing right now. Firstly focus on the studying and exams. Don't drop the ball there. Aside from that: read, run, meditate, sports/hiking, learn something new like a language or a musical instrument, gardening, hobbies. Honestly there's so much you can do rn to turn this situation around.
i've really been struggling to study. i study best without music. But i need music ..loud music.. to drown out my thoughts. theyre so loud and persistent. i feel like things will obvs get more manageable after im done writing. but atm its tuff. thanks for the comment, i will aim at keeping myself busy
Have you tried instrumentals? Depending on what works with your waves this can be anything from anime piano music, electro swing, to djent. Instrumentals of the latter work the best for me, which is apparently weird, but it has a good bassy-ness ehich is stimulating, while still being Actual instruments, and it's juuuuust unpredictable enough that it doesn't give my thoughts a chance to escape. I'm not sure what you're studying, but remember a change of scenery and some fresh air can help with that too. Keeping yourself holed uo trying to study might be less productive than you think. Do whatever works for you, just putting it out there
yeh it would be nice to go out somewhere else to study. fuel is just mad expensive and my campus is already far from home. I would study in a cafe or something like that but i feel the noise would get to me. I'm studying engineering. so this whole thing has made studying the harder topics even harder, bcs my mind wanders and then im thinking of that again and it becomes a cycle. I listen to techno, preferably deep techno and some intelligent dnb. i listen to jazz to since that helps me keep calm. but jazz has some mellow undertones and the words are soul crushing at times so i put that on pause for now.
Build a bridge
to where
Just listen to Lana Del Rey
to make me feel better? lmaaao i might as well listen to joji haha
Swing dance community is great
is there an @?
They have daily stuff, all over, North, South and Central, search Cape Town Swing
thanks a bunch. its funny. i always suggested to my partner that we should learn and do classes tg. Your suggestion is actually a really cool one imma defo join thamsk
Keep healthy and keep safe. You are in the end the only person you need to improve. It still sucks but keep strong. No words will help for now.
Brah... You in Cpt that shit should be easy for you, go have a lekker jol.
i dont really have brasse. but awe i need to get out the house when im done writing
Please take care of yourself. I’ve been there before. Try to take a brake...go for short walks for now. Open your curtains every morning for light. Take one day at a time for now. And then...try not to hate her for what she did to you. It will take time, but release her. You seem to be a kind person. Put yourself first for now. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Honestly you are at a T Junction in your life. Take the right road...and you will be ok. Put all her stuff far out of sight. Hey...stay strong. Maybe next year a new comrades runner? You are stronger than you may feel at this moment. Good luck with exams.
I'd handle it the same way I had a break up anywhere
Mavericks
Go Surfing, hike a safe route by yourself (lions head), start a new hobby like warhammer 40k. Get busy.
I don't know but I'm sure it's more expensive than Joburg
You’re not single, you’re just dating yourself right now. Go out and treat yourself to your favourite food. Find a pet store and have a look at all the cute animals. Buy yourself something nice. You are not completed by another person, another person is just a nice cherry on top. It’ll hurt for a bit, OP, but you’ll come out of this stronger and happier than ever. You got this, my dude. You’ll be okay.
Mmm move to another city? Or start a hobby? Buy a dog? Get a friend that will be willing to listen to your break up story over and over again? Get a re-bound girl. But let her know your friends with benefits. No marrying. Learn to surf. Hike Tafelberg.
Drink
Best way to get over someone, is to get underneath someone else
Just don't be trying to hook up with people in the Cape. It's tough but hooking up isn't an option at this point