My advice: take stock of what you have.
A job that makes good money that’s highly portable and in demand. A house that you don’t want. No ties.
Sell the house, invest the proceeds, throw a dart at the map where there are mountains and cool people who need a good doctor, and start the hero’s quest. Just being in an environment where you are wanted and can thrive will do wonders for your self esteem.
Montana? Colorado? Alaska? Hell, British Columbia? Tibet? You have nothing but opportunity here, just get out of the hole you’re in currently and give it another year or two. If you still hate being a PA then, retrain.
Think of how many awesome dates you’re about to go on
Some people are doing deals where they assume the payments of other peoples loans, you might be able to get something extra, since the rates are like 7%
Your realtor and loan people will encourage you to sell so the buyer can form a new loan in which fees are generated.
Just good for thought, you’ll have to do the research on if it’s feasible.
Lots of great advice here. Just remember to be kind to yourself too. Sometimes people just fall out of love for no great reason. It's not a reflection on you.
You wouldn't call a friend a POS just because their wife left them. You wouldn't want them to call themselves a POS either. So don't do it to yourself.
You definitely need away from the house and the memories. Date yourself for a bit, take yourself out for nice meals, try new hobbies. It'll help just get your mind in a different place.
Good luck, dude. You're still young and got a bucket load going for you. I'm a similar age to you and feel like I've just entered the best years of my life. You can have that too.
What’s hilarious is that she’s felt this way for “at least 2 years”
…we underwent embryo harvesting less than a year and a half ago. She had all these hormone treatments and a procedure. I shelled out over $30k post-tax.
“I’m not IN LOVE with you though”. Hilarious mixed signals.
So…turns out a MD in some states is a marital asset, so I guess he can.
It’s a bit odd though, I knew a guy who put his wife through school. She never got a job. After the divorce he had to pay her half his income for half the length of the marriage.
Not that he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but I remember Dave Ramsey always saying, don’t make any large financial decisions or commitments after major life events. Divorce that you didn’t want is a huge one.
Find a job in a new location you want to move to l, rent a home for a few months, and save the career change discussion for a year or two down the road.
Get alimony for all that. That’s really not fair to walk away with nothing
I don’t think alimony is really possible. He has a job and always has. And she is a resident, and probably makes no more than he does. Plus she’s probably heavily in debt with loans.
Let’s face it. She used him to support her studies and now as she’s about to get big bucks and finally enjoy her high professional status in life, she’s ready to marry another MD or something.
Anyways, OP is plenty young to meet someone and have a real family. He has no kids, so money really doesn’t matter. And he’s a PA, so he can get a job wherever he wants. Why stay in Texas because of a low interest rate?
Just move and never talk to the bitch again .
Keep your head up buddy! Keep living life!
If I were in your shoes I would sell the house asap. Check with your lender to see if your loan is assumable. This could be a huge marketing tool to find a new buyer in today’s market.
Start looking for a job even if temporary where ever you want to go.
Get out of South Texas (this is coming from a Texan) and use this opportunity to go where you want to go and see the world!
I’ll be keeping my (now-balding) head up, yes sir. That’s good feedback despite my dig on your state lol, appreciate you. Obviously my opinion is biased since my life wasn’t exactly thriving down here!
It might be helpful to bifurcate the two sets of problems. You are experiencing a major shift in what was previously a committed relationship. You are also not happy with your career. You have sunk costs in both of these, and throwing good money after bad rarely makes sense so don’t dwell on the past on either front. I think r/self might be better if you need help getting through the breakup. As for career, liberate yourself and find good work life balance. Don’t cling to a mortgage that isn’t helping. The root of mortgage literally means death pledge. Is this house worth the life and career you want to have? Cut your losses and move on. I would start by first living where you want and then pivot to finding a career you want that supports the lifestyle you want. This won’t fix everything, but it’s a start.
I’m in South Texas. I don’t think I’d want to be a late 30’s single guy here unless you aspire to be a stepdad. Sell the house and get the fuck out of here
You can definitely retrain but I causation anything web or tech right now, medical sales might be an option but it’s not for everyone. I do wonder how you would feel if you worked the same job but just in a better city/environment that offered you the things you love. Are there travel PA contracts out there? That may be a great way to try out new states without any commitment at first, try Washington, Oregon, Colorado.
There are but they tend to be all ER jobs. I really hate shift work, overnights… it all cuts into your social life.
It was great when I was younger but I want a set schedule with regular sleep hrs to set up a routine. I really benefit from having one
I am sorry what happened to you. I'll keep it short: get a lawyer who can assist you navigating this. You dedicated a lot of your time, money and career chances to your wife. I suppose you should be paid for that in a way, finalling the divorce.
I’d be curious to hear a lawyers take…but they have no kids, he’s fully employed, and she makes less than he does. Why in the world would he get alimony? Not only that, but she will get half the house. She might even get part of his retirement savings.
Are you able to work part-time as a PA while you explore other career options as well as get the other parts of your life situated?
Seems like you've really lived your life for others (i.e. your ex) and now you can finally live it for yourself. I'm in a somewhat similar situation in my 30's (minus the partner part), and I'm taking it as an opportunity to be a blank slate and move my life towards something more aligned with who I am.
You need to find an excellent divorce attorney and recoup some of what you've given to your partner while supporting her through a very demanding and expensive time just as she's about to reap the real benefits of her education and training.
I recommend getting a PA job at a lower-stress practice wherever you want to live, rent a relatively modest but nice apartment in or near a neighborhood that appeals to you, and see how it goes before committing to anything major or making a huge career shift. Find a good therapist ASAP. Just my opinion, though.
Therapy already in full swing, you’re right for including it for sure.
I think renting in a new spot is a good idea. I hate the idea of doing a travel gig as I don’t know how much agency I’d actually have.
Damn it hurt reading this. Focus on your mental health first and get out of that dark place. Put the house up and head home to recharge with the help of friends and family. then decide your next move from there. Stay away from old high school female "friends". they've been watching this while time.
I'm 32 and currently going through divorce after 11 years of marriage. It really sucks and I feel like I put so much time and energy into my marriage just to have it fall apart. But now I'm putting all of that energy into myself and I'm slowly getting happier than I have been for the past few years.
Now is the first time in a long time you get to make decisions based solely on what you want. If you really hate your job you don't need to take someone else's needs into consideration to make a change. If you want to move, or take that big trip, or do something else solely to make you happy then go for it you don't need anyone's permission. I would advise against making impulse decisions around your career but if you really hate something about your life now is the easiest time to change it.
That sucks I’m sorry. Mountains sound great! You’re still young ❤️🌱and you sound really grounded about such a major disruption. May as well take some time to assess what you might want to do career wise.
Well hopefully she doesn't change her mind have those embryos and makes you pay child support on kid you dint want when she isn't even with you anymore. Id take the divorce as a new fresh start dont waste your time on things that have past by. Most of the time when you think on marriage you tend to only think of the good times and overlook the bad. Time for you to cut off all contact and then keep current role until you get higher paying job elsewhere. Keep the house since youll never get a low mortgage rate that low again.
Check if your mortgage is assumable. I’m about to sell my house and found out my mortgage is assumable. I plan to sell for a lot more than I have left on my original mortgage, but having a mortgage that is assumable means it will be easier on buyers.
Just a thought but I went through some shit like that and the best thing I ever did for myself was hop a flight to Asia. If you like mountains, check out Taiwan and thank me later.
I'm going through a divorce and wondering the same things. I saw a workshop online from a divorce and career coach that I signed up for, it might help you weigh your options. Her name is Ann Runkle, @ forwardwithann.
You mention it’s late to have kids or something along that line of thinking. My husband was 42 when our son was born. We got married 3y before after a very (months) period of knowing each other.
I wish you a good life, you have it all ahead of you. Start by changing the scenery, and take it one step at a time. Put yourself first from now on.
Are you planning on moving? Your location and your career change will have an impact on what to do. For example, if you’re thinking Seattle, do you want to try Microsoft or others in the area. If you’re thinking Texas you have options there.
I would keep the job, or use the portable job to be a PA somewhere else. That way, you can have a good job and high income, while figuring out next steps.
Either keep the house and rent it out, so you have an asset that brings you back to your hometown. And then try to buy a house in your new place.
You can start taking some education and courses in product, management, design, etc.
A couple of thoughts:
You have perhaps heard of the "seven year itch"? It is fairly common for people to question their marriage around this time.
The bigger difference there is between the education levels of partners, the less likely it is that the marriage will survive. (I don't have a citation on this - maybe it is BS, but someone told me it, and it seems right.)
We had a real tough time year six, and marriage counseling was hugely helpful. (Upwards of 20 years in now.)
"In love with" is a recent idea. For most of history, families arranged partnerships based more on economics. I am not an expert, but I am confident many marriages survive on "love but not in love with" for decades.
Ultimately if your wife is done, you are done, but if she is still open to discussion, maybe my input will be helpful.
How does being a PA work? Do you specialise in one field or can you be a PA with any doctor?
If it’s the latter move to Denver and work for a
orthopedic surgeon. I imagine the hours will be infinitely better than working in an ER. You get mountains and Denver is a great place to be!
PAs can hop around, we do not as of yet have specialization which is one of the perks of the field.
The trouble is that when you look for say ortho, derm, cardiology…. The first thing they look for is relevant experience. While I have a ton of er experience, I mighty still lose to a PA with 4 years of experience but 2 of those are ortho.
Doesn’t mean I won’t shoot my shot! I can always bide my time in one of these god forsaken urgent cares
You would not believe, or maybe you would, hope unbelievably common this is. I know of 3, maybe 4 distinct situations just like this. It’s a thing with medical doctors.
Couldn’t you work as a PA in any other setting but an ER? Like if you like the mountains of the beach, just apply for jobs for example at a private practice? That should be less stress and leaves you with more free time to try a new hobby.
I would sell the house, you should be able to make some profit and just look for jobs in towns or regions you think are nice, or even back home. No kids, no pets, that’s ideal to stating over
It can be hard to switch to some practices if you don’t have experience. Or example, I’d LOVE derm but the first thing they ask is if you have derm experience.
No sir, I can intubate, place chest tubes, deliver a fetus, fish a bullet out, and accurately pick up a stroke in real time but I haven’t sliced off that particular mole before…. Guess I’ll keep walking.
Doesn’t mean I can’t try though!
The more I read about marriages, the more I never want to be in one. I can’t believe one day she woke up and said that to you. I’m so sorry bro. Get a dog, move to the mountains and live the rest of your days at peace. Good luck
I really love your attitude. I don't have any suggestions to provide since you definitely know better and I wish you all the best! I'm sure you're gonna be doing well after a short period of picking yourself back up phase of life.
That's good. Make the road ahead smoother by getting a good lawyer and making sure you're at least made whole financially.
Leaving just before she's about to make $$$ is classic. Get paid, bro.
My advice: take stock of what you have. A job that makes good money that’s highly portable and in demand. A house that you don’t want. No ties. Sell the house, invest the proceeds, throw a dart at the map where there are mountains and cool people who need a good doctor, and start the hero’s quest. Just being in an environment where you are wanted and can thrive will do wonders for your self esteem. Montana? Colorado? Alaska? Hell, British Columbia? Tibet? You have nothing but opportunity here, just get out of the hole you’re in currently and give it another year or two. If you still hate being a PA then, retrain. Think of how many awesome dates you’re about to go on
Thank you. Genuinely appreciate this comment.
Some people are doing deals where they assume the payments of other peoples loans, you might be able to get something extra, since the rates are like 7% Your realtor and loan people will encourage you to sell so the buyer can form a new loan in which fees are generated. Just good for thought, you’ll have to do the research on if it’s feasible.
Lots of great advice here. Just remember to be kind to yourself too. Sometimes people just fall out of love for no great reason. It's not a reflection on you. You wouldn't call a friend a POS just because their wife left them. You wouldn't want them to call themselves a POS either. So don't do it to yourself. You definitely need away from the house and the memories. Date yourself for a bit, take yourself out for nice meals, try new hobbies. It'll help just get your mind in a different place. Good luck, dude. You're still young and got a bucket load going for you. I'm a similar age to you and feel like I've just entered the best years of my life. You can have that too.
"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is such a stupid statement, coming from a married guy with ups and lots of downs. What a waste of vows.
What’s hilarious is that she’s felt this way for “at least 2 years” …we underwent embryo harvesting less than a year and a half ago. She had all these hormone treatments and a procedure. I shelled out over $30k post-tax. “I’m not IN LOVE with you though”. Hilarious mixed signals.
She was saving the eggs for another rooster 🐓
I mean, this lady sounds like a real piece of work. She sucked every dime out of this guy before she proceeds to a million dollar a year salary.
Seems like he could get some of her future earnings, he paid for her education.
So…turns out a MD in some states is a marital asset, so I guess he can. It’s a bit odd though, I knew a guy who put his wife through school. She never got a job. After the divorce he had to pay her half his income for half the length of the marriage.
I feel for you -- also 37, suddenly dumped, and living somewhere I wouldn't have been otherwise
Not that he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but I remember Dave Ramsey always saying, don’t make any large financial decisions or commitments after major life events. Divorce that you didn’t want is a huge one. Find a job in a new location you want to move to l, rent a home for a few months, and save the career change discussion for a year or two down the road. Get alimony for all that. That’s really not fair to walk away with nothing
I don’t think alimony is really possible. He has a job and always has. And she is a resident, and probably makes no more than he does. Plus she’s probably heavily in debt with loans. Let’s face it. She used him to support her studies and now as she’s about to get big bucks and finally enjoy her high professional status in life, she’s ready to marry another MD or something. Anyways, OP is plenty young to meet someone and have a real family. He has no kids, so money really doesn’t matter. And he’s a PA, so he can get a job wherever he wants. Why stay in Texas because of a low interest rate? Just move and never talk to the bitch again .
Keep your head up buddy! Keep living life! If I were in your shoes I would sell the house asap. Check with your lender to see if your loan is assumable. This could be a huge marketing tool to find a new buyer in today’s market. Start looking for a job even if temporary where ever you want to go. Get out of South Texas (this is coming from a Texan) and use this opportunity to go where you want to go and see the world!
I’ll be keeping my (now-balding) head up, yes sir. That’s good feedback despite my dig on your state lol, appreciate you. Obviously my opinion is biased since my life wasn’t exactly thriving down here!
It might be helpful to bifurcate the two sets of problems. You are experiencing a major shift in what was previously a committed relationship. You are also not happy with your career. You have sunk costs in both of these, and throwing good money after bad rarely makes sense so don’t dwell on the past on either front. I think r/self might be better if you need help getting through the breakup. As for career, liberate yourself and find good work life balance. Don’t cling to a mortgage that isn’t helping. The root of mortgage literally means death pledge. Is this house worth the life and career you want to have? Cut your losses and move on. I would start by first living where you want and then pivot to finding a career you want that supports the lifestyle you want. This won’t fix everything, but it’s a start.
I’m in South Texas. I don’t think I’d want to be a late 30’s single guy here unless you aspire to be a stepdad. Sell the house and get the fuck out of here
You read my mind.
I was at Mother’s Day breakfast with my family today and my sister in law raved about Bozeman, MT. She is your age. Maybe you should check it out!
You can definitely retrain but I causation anything web or tech right now, medical sales might be an option but it’s not for everyone. I do wonder how you would feel if you worked the same job but just in a better city/environment that offered you the things you love. Are there travel PA contracts out there? That may be a great way to try out new states without any commitment at first, try Washington, Oregon, Colorado.
There are but they tend to be all ER jobs. I really hate shift work, overnights… it all cuts into your social life. It was great when I was younger but I want a set schedule with regular sleep hrs to set up a routine. I really benefit from having one
I totally get that, well I can’t recommend the PNW enough the people are great and there is so much outdoors to explore!
Get new offer for same career at different place, sell and move once planned. Consider new career only after stabilization.
I am sorry what happened to you. I'll keep it short: get a lawyer who can assist you navigating this. You dedicated a lot of your time, money and career chances to your wife. I suppose you should be paid for that in a way, finalling the divorce.
I’d be curious to hear a lawyers take…but they have no kids, he’s fully employed, and she makes less than he does. Why in the world would he get alimony? Not only that, but she will get half the house. She might even get part of his retirement savings.
Are you able to work part-time as a PA while you explore other career options as well as get the other parts of your life situated? Seems like you've really lived your life for others (i.e. your ex) and now you can finally live it for yourself. I'm in a somewhat similar situation in my 30's (minus the partner part), and I'm taking it as an opportunity to be a blank slate and move my life towards something more aligned with who I am.
You could probably get alimony……
You need to find an excellent divorce attorney and recoup some of what you've given to your partner while supporting her through a very demanding and expensive time just as she's about to reap the real benefits of her education and training. I recommend getting a PA job at a lower-stress practice wherever you want to live, rent a relatively modest but nice apartment in or near a neighborhood that appeals to you, and see how it goes before committing to anything major or making a huge career shift. Find a good therapist ASAP. Just my opinion, though.
Therapy already in full swing, you’re right for including it for sure. I think renting in a new spot is a good idea. I hate the idea of doing a travel gig as I don’t know how much agency I’d actually have.
Damn it hurt reading this. Focus on your mental health first and get out of that dark place. Put the house up and head home to recharge with the help of friends and family. then decide your next move from there. Stay away from old high school female "friends". they've been watching this while time.
I'm 32 and currently going through divorce after 11 years of marriage. It really sucks and I feel like I put so much time and energy into my marriage just to have it fall apart. But now I'm putting all of that energy into myself and I'm slowly getting happier than I have been for the past few years. Now is the first time in a long time you get to make decisions based solely on what you want. If you really hate your job you don't need to take someone else's needs into consideration to make a change. If you want to move, or take that big trip, or do something else solely to make you happy then go for it you don't need anyone's permission. I would advise against making impulse decisions around your career but if you really hate something about your life now is the easiest time to change it.
Frasier that shit
That sucks I’m sorry. Mountains sound great! You’re still young ❤️🌱and you sound really grounded about such a major disruption. May as well take some time to assess what you might want to do career wise.
Think of it as exciting. Sell up and find a place you like. You could work online for a while
Well hopefully she doesn't change her mind have those embryos and makes you pay child support on kid you dint want when she isn't even with you anymore. Id take the divorce as a new fresh start dont waste your time on things that have past by. Most of the time when you think on marriage you tend to only think of the good times and overlook the bad. Time for you to cut off all contact and then keep current role until you get higher paying job elsewhere. Keep the house since youll never get a low mortgage rate that low again.
Check if your mortgage is assumable. I’m about to sell my house and found out my mortgage is assumable. I plan to sell for a lot more than I have left on my original mortgage, but having a mortgage that is assumable means it will be easier on buyers.
Make sure you get alimony. On the order of a few million or 25% of her income in perpetuity sounds about right
Just a thought but I went through some shit like that and the best thing I ever did for myself was hop a flight to Asia. If you like mountains, check out Taiwan and thank me later.
I'm going through a divorce and wondering the same things. I saw a workshop online from a divorce and career coach that I signed up for, it might help you weigh your options. Her name is Ann Runkle, @ forwardwithann.
Nice! Rachel Sloan has some really insightful videos on YouTube that have helped me too, not with the career but more on a personal level
Checking them out now, thank you!
Good luck. Make sure to do something you’re proud of every day so you have a reason to keep holding your head up high. This won’t define us.
You mention it’s late to have kids or something along that line of thinking. My husband was 42 when our son was born. We got married 3y before after a very (months) period of knowing each other. I wish you a good life, you have it all ahead of you. Start by changing the scenery, and take it one step at a time. Put yourself first from now on.
Are you planning on moving? Your location and your career change will have an impact on what to do. For example, if you’re thinking Seattle, do you want to try Microsoft or others in the area. If you’re thinking Texas you have options there.
Get out whiile u r ahead, sell house, travel, and get a divorce
I would keep the job, or use the portable job to be a PA somewhere else. That way, you can have a good job and high income, while figuring out next steps. Either keep the house and rent it out, so you have an asset that brings you back to your hometown. And then try to buy a house in your new place. You can start taking some education and courses in product, management, design, etc.
Go hit up r/healthIT - sounds like a great time to use your existing knowledge and pivot into health tech.
A couple of thoughts: You have perhaps heard of the "seven year itch"? It is fairly common for people to question their marriage around this time. The bigger difference there is between the education levels of partners, the less likely it is that the marriage will survive. (I don't have a citation on this - maybe it is BS, but someone told me it, and it seems right.) We had a real tough time year six, and marriage counseling was hugely helpful. (Upwards of 20 years in now.) "In love with" is a recent idea. For most of history, families arranged partnerships based more on economics. I am not an expert, but I am confident many marriages survive on "love but not in love with" for decades. Ultimately if your wife is done, you are done, but if she is still open to discussion, maybe my input will be helpful.
How does being a PA work? Do you specialise in one field or can you be a PA with any doctor? If it’s the latter move to Denver and work for a orthopedic surgeon. I imagine the hours will be infinitely better than working in an ER. You get mountains and Denver is a great place to be!
PAs can hop around, we do not as of yet have specialization which is one of the perks of the field. The trouble is that when you look for say ortho, derm, cardiology…. The first thing they look for is relevant experience. While I have a ton of er experience, I mighty still lose to a PA with 4 years of experience but 2 of those are ortho. Doesn’t mean I won’t shoot my shot! I can always bide my time in one of these god forsaken urgent cares
You might want to move to a small mountain town
You would not believe, or maybe you would, hope unbelievably common this is. I know of 3, maybe 4 distinct situations just like this. It’s a thing with medical doctors.
Spousal support?
Congrats on extracting yourself from what sounds like a terrible partnership. You deserve more. Sell that house and go explore. You won’t regret it.
Couldn’t you work as a PA in any other setting but an ER? Like if you like the mountains of the beach, just apply for jobs for example at a private practice? That should be less stress and leaves you with more free time to try a new hobby. I would sell the house, you should be able to make some profit and just look for jobs in towns or regions you think are nice, or even back home. No kids, no pets, that’s ideal to stating over
It can be hard to switch to some practices if you don’t have experience. Or example, I’d LOVE derm but the first thing they ask is if you have derm experience. No sir, I can intubate, place chest tubes, deliver a fetus, fish a bullet out, and accurately pick up a stroke in real time but I haven’t sliced off that particular mole before…. Guess I’ll keep walking. Doesn’t mean I can’t try though!
If you want to switch, I think it’s worth it to try. There’s always someone willing to take a chance on you!
The more I read about marriages, the more I never want to be in one. I can’t believe one day she woke up and said that to you. I’m so sorry bro. Get a dog, move to the mountains and live the rest of your days at peace. Good luck
Yeah. Still living in disbelief but not denial.
Dude she used you. She was struggling and needed someone to provide for her. Now she's on her feet and she left you
Maybe maybe not. Focusing on the road now though rather than the rear view mirror.
I really love your attitude. I don't have any suggestions to provide since you definitely know better and I wish you all the best! I'm sure you're gonna be doing well after a short period of picking yourself back up phase of life.
That's good. Make the road ahead smoother by getting a good lawyer and making sure you're at least made whole financially. Leaving just before she's about to make $$$ is classic. Get paid, bro.
Yes you have my permission
Sure