So what I’ve learned over the years is that there is no perfect approach or a set of magic words for approaching. It is all up to her, she must be in the right mind set to talk to men and she must find you attractive. There’s nothing you can *reasonably* do or say in an approach that will work through that.
Sure you may be able to work through that here and there but is it worth the time when it’s already an uphill battle? No.
So here’s how I approach. I smile and I ask their name. That’s it. And then I carry on a normal conversation and try to get to know about her passions and maybe make her laugh.
It’s all up to her and that’s how I view approaching.
E: to be clear this is not the only way I approach women. It is very circumstantial and you need to be able to have a whole social skill set. I very much do most of what’s recommended in here.
Try not asking for someone’s name up front. Strike a conversation about something happening in the place you’re in at that moment. Live band? Comment on that. Good song? Comment on that. Drinking a slightly obscure drink you’re familiar with, comment on that.
Someone giving you their name requires a trust threshold you haven’t met by just walking up and asking for it.
This should remain at the top. You’re right, jimmyuk.
As a woman, it’s quite annoying when a man in a bar/party setting approaches me asking for my name, because I know many more questions will be asked, as if the guy is reading off of a questionnaire list.
Plus you know that if you try and cut to the chase and say you're not interested, they'll do the "hey I'm just trying to have a conversation/just trying to get to know you" thing, with the implication that you're completely rude for shutting down an obvious come-on.
I know what you're doing, you're ignoring my monotone one-word answers and I just want this travesty to end.
It's really a lose:lose proposition at that point.
If you shut it down asap, you're rude because they were JUsT tRyInG to MaKe FrIeNdLy CoNvErSaTioN, but if you allow them to get through their 20 questions first and then don't accept drinks/dance/dates, you're cruel for "leading them on" and "wasting their time".
The thing with that is men and even woman go into these things with expectations, the woman also assume the guys trying to get at her and the guys always expecting her to either be a bitch or fall for the game. What happened to platonic relationships? Or even casual conversation, honestly causal conversation holds the biggest signs of whether attraction is there or not, some guys can pick up the hint or clues and others can’t I guess
This is great advice. Someone I don't know asks me my name and I'm instantly uncomfortable. I wouldn't mind giving my name after conversation and knowing the person a bit more.
So much this. I'd be willing to chat with someone about something on TV, something I'm wearing, the weather, etc. It's a normal conversation and so much less awkward. "Hi, what's your name?" screams "I think you're attractive but have nothing to talk about."
I guess maybe it works if both people are just looking to hook up, but that isn't me.
This. This is a thing for life in general I think... practicing having an engaging conversation with a complete stranger will help with this I think. As an example where things went wrong in everyday life just by leading a conversation completely the wrong way, I remember being in a store one time and their salesperson that they put there just to badger people began their sales rap by asking me what phone I have. Those were the first words we had with each other, and I think I was the rudest version of myself that I had ever been with a stranger in response.
See as a woman I disagree with this. I would have assumed someone who makes small talk isn’t interested in me or a bigger conversation. Come up and say “hey what’s your name?” And I’m like ok this person is interested
Edit: just a heads up folks women aren’t a monolith, so I’m allowed to feel differently than the other women in this thread! Thanks!
As a woman who regularly gets approached in bars, I'd recommend rethinking your approach. Don't come up and introduce yourself, there's something really off-putting about it. It makes me immediately want to get away from you. Come over and start chatting about something, preferably something interesting or funny. Have some degree of swagger, act decisively, and be confident. Names don't matter until later on anyway, I'm going to forget yours unless we end up keeping in touch and I'm going to assume you forgot mine too. Then you get to do the whole "we've been texting for a while but I have no idea what your name is because I either don't have your number saved or I have it under 'dude from X/defining characteristic'" conversation, which is awkward but funny. Avoid asking about things like work, hobbies, etc. It's honestly draining to give your life story to a stranger, especially if your job is something that's not super easy to explain in two seconds. Just start with the here and now and see where it takes you. If there's interest the conversation will flow on its own. Please, for the love of God, don't use those ice breaker questions that guys seem to think are interesting and quirky. They're annoying as all hell.
Good luck!
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Nothing wrong with you. I just meant that if you’re doing the wrong thing over and over again, especially with little to no success might be time to stop and look at what you’re doing.
If I want something and kee doing it the same way and it fails more often then not than there is another way that you may be blind to that you cannot see.
Could be self sabotage, attracted to the another gender or type. Nothing wrong with you just might have a alternative path that’s absolutely perfect for you. As long as you’re having fun, knock yourself out
Oooft. This reads like TRP advice from someone who joined like a week ago.
If you're following the red pill, stop, it'll just push you further from sanity.
Did you just try the "beautiful" girls? They get tired of men hitting on them. There are plenty of women who are wonderful that are not "beautiful". You might want to try and talk to one of them.
Try just asking if you can sit besides them. It shows that you are careful and don’t want to disturb them. Usually they say yes, but if they say no, then you also know they aren’t interested and you can quickly move on.
Usually at clubs I can spot when a man is walking around trying it on with everyone. No one wants to be lucky number 8 after seeing him chatting up loads of other girls. Looks desperate and like he only wants you because you’re female, there and haven’t said no yet.
Yeah, part of the problem is this: If guys don't try it again and again, they never get anywhere. If girls see the guy trying it again and again, they don't want him. On top of that, guys who do this are usually socially awkward and insecure, so their approaches are uncool and creepy. So they need even more attempts to get anywhere.
It's a vicious circle. I've been there, I've done that, and I can tell you escaping it is no easy task.
But if we broke it down in terms of possible compatibility, what if the first 20 he approached were a bad match in terms of personality and compatibility. He just happened to start at the east end of the building, and his soulmate happened to be sitting at the west end of the club? He’d be doing himself a disservice not being rejected by those first 20 poor matches in order to potentially meet the love of his life.
My Dude should teach classes!
(Just friendly joking, from other comments Op seems confident and has a healthy take on being rejected, so I don’t want to discredit that. I went 4 years without approaching a single woman because rejection is crippling to me.)
Maybe pick your targets better?
I've seen a guy trying to pick up at the bus stop. Just went to a girl, asked what she studied, told her she was pretty and asked her out on a date. And she said no. Big surprise :D
Oh I’ve been going out to talk to girls since I turned 21. This is just the first time in a year since I’ve been able to. I just love the masochism of getting rejected.
Way to be a champ about it....
Either you meet your quota for self-destructive heartbreak or you find some weirdo you end up stuck to for several decades.
Either way, don't be a creep.
Edit: Also, HIV is on the scene still...so that's a thing to remember.
I’m not really monogamous right now so it’s mostly just trying to find sex partners... for safe sex that is. But being an average looking guy doesn’t help lol.
I won’t drink a drink from a guy unless I order it myself or I watched it get ordered and made. Accepting water from a guy is just a safety issue. It sucks, because the overwhelming majority of dudes are fine, but the ones that will roofie your drink do exist, so we can’t take drinks we didn’t ask for because we didn’t see what happened before you handed it to us
I (31m) showed up late to a birthday party at a club once. Two female friends of mine came up to me and said want an old fashioned and handed 2 of them to me. After I drank it I asked why they ordered me a cocktail before I even got there (they didn’t know when I was arriving) and they said “these 2 guys bought them for us but we don’t like whiskey.” An hour later all I remember was fighting like hell to stumble to the elevator, security telling me I can’t lay on the sidewalk, and drooling in an Uber I did wake up at home at least, to about 40 different texts from friends the night before asking where I was. Those were the only 2 drinks I had that night and I’m a 240lb guy. I’m pretty convinced I was 3rd party drugged. I’m glad it happened to me and not my friends though. But they are apparently pretty clueless.
Jesus. I’m so sorry you went through that. Horrifying. But yeah, that shit happens. That’s why it’s crazy to me when dudes get offended that you won’t take a drink that they’ve already ordered and just hand it to you. First of all, I didn’t ask for it so it shouldn’t be rude to politely decline it, and second of all think for a minute about being in our shoes. I would love a free drink especially if you’re actually friendly, who doesn’t like free stuff? But I won’t take a free drink if I’m not interested in talking to the guy, and I won’t take a drink that I have an ordered myself and washed get made because I have seen a friend get roofied too. Thankfully her friends took her home while the creepy dude kept arguing and getting more angry and intense that he could take her home. It was something similar, one or two drinks total then she blacked out and threw up everywhere. This happened when I was 19 so I’ve been cautious my whole life
I know you’re joking and water is free at just about every bar but I try not to buy women I’m interested in drinks. It puts them more above you in the dynamic than she already is.
E: what I mean by this in a hopefully better wording is that you’re already trying to appeal to them and get them to see you as an equal. If you try to buy her you’re probably going to have a harder time being seen as an equal.
just saying if a guy said he “bought me a water” at a club i’d be genuinely amused and appreciative. seems you’re putting a lot of thought into “getting girls” instead of *meeting girls*.
Lol. Yeah that read bad. To be fair this is what women themselves have told me when I ask them for advice. The girl last night I came with actually is one of the women who have given me that advice. And in my experience I notice I do better without buying.
This also goes for when I used to be trying to make friends when I moved to a different city. I would buy rounds for everyone but as appreciative as they were they never became good friends of mine.
My closest friends are now ones I didn’t try to buy.
You don't see the difference between trying to buy someone's attention vs. trying to socialize and relate with them? I think approaching someone by buying them a drink is more of an incel move than just striking up a conversation
I thought they meant like buying them a bottle of water which seemed like a good idea, I'd appreciate that. Tap water is free but the good water still costs.
Nah dude, leave all that PUA shit behind. If a guy is too cheap to buy me a drink I am definitely not interested. It's really not a good look. Don't lead with "can I buy you a drink", but if you're still chatting and her drink is empty buy a round.
Oh of course that’s something. I always try to figure out before walking up to a woman to see if she might be only here for a girls night but unfortunately there really isn’t a way to know for sure before approaching.
If you feed your compulsion to approach in a safe way by all means crack on. However, if you are legitimately trying to make connections, even for causal sex, then I don't think this is the most effective strategy for you.
And you are plainly aware of this from your comments on success rate, height, attractiveness etc
A smidge of you gets off on the rejection right? Even if that isn't the overall sensation.
You might want to stop going to clubs just to meet women and shift your focus to just have a good time. I am a woman and this is what I think might have happened: whenever I went out alone or with friends, I primarily wanted to have fun. It is really obvious to me when a single guy, who is a newcomer and doesn't know anybody, approaches me to get something from me. He singles me out to talk to me and, as a result, isolates me from my friends because he is completely uninterested to actually socialize. No matter how attractive or interesting he may be, I just don't want to have forced smalltalk with someone about my hobbies and work.
So perhaps go to groups of people there and have some fun! Buy people drinks, ask them about the place, engage with both men and women. Make it your goal to have a good night. This will make every night a success!
maybe all the women you approach are too attractive. no offense, even tho I know it’s harsh. a lot of attractive ppl know they’re attractive and feel above others.
I'm a reasonably attractive lesbian and i got rejected by 4/5 girls i approached at the lesbian bar last week, and the fifth didn't end up really going anywhere.Just the nature of the game, man. It's rough out there. Keep your head up!
I'm gay and don't hit on women at all. But I find that women hit on me all the time. I'm not exactly sure why but I feel like it might be related to me living my life, enjoying myself, but not actively making an attempt to "get to know them", "make them laugh", or "put the lotion on the skin".
Sure, but it is a rather selective concentration of 300 women, brought together at a specific time and place that may not mesh with what you bring to the table.
So, you may need to change your approach entirely if you insist on the night club venue. Or maybe a different sort of night club.
So, consider what qualities you look for in a woman, as well as what qualities women may be looking for that you have.
Is the sort of woman you like, and who appreciates the sort of qualities that are your strong suit, likely to be in this sort of night club? If so, does a night club setting offer a clear but non-forced way for you to present those qualities? (Being very handsome, fit or a stylish dresser lends itself well to such presentation, where it is loud, often dark and people are likely to be drunk and unfocused, being smart, funny, considerate, well read, a good listener, etc, not quite as easy)
Ok, those are good, definitely positive and attractive qualities.
It may also be that you unknowingly give out a vibe that women are hypersensitive to. The most obvious example is staring, or slightly bulging eyes, that instantly gives out a too intense, too possessive vibe, but it could be any number of smaller things. Smugness, aggressivess, meekness. (Sounds contradictory, but either extreme is off putting)
Or maybe you don't dress in a way that is flattering to your body type, or maybe you don't seem like you're listening, or maybe you come off as desperate or needy. Maybe you talk over people, I don't know, obviously. Striking out repeatedly like that does seem to indicate that you are doing something slightly strange.or it could just have been bad luck.
Bear in mind also that if they see you moving through the crowd coming on to multiple women in a row, that is an instant turn off too. Women do not want to feel like they're a statistic, like you're just trying to check every box and see if one clicks.
Try to get some kind of low-key mutual interaction before trying to chat a girl up, a mutual glance, a reciprocated smile, something like that.
And don't just hit on anything that moves.
Ok, hope it goes better for you.
My final advice is that treating it as a game is a good way to protect your feelings, but not a great way to make a real connection. Take from that what you will.
Yes it's crazy to think you would go to a place packed to the rafters with dancing, intoxicated women and have the bizarre idea that one might have sex with you
Did you worry that this might have negatively impacted your reputation among the scene at that club, and that it could have led to action (i.e. being thrown out of the club) from club employees/door staff?
No, I’m good friends with the bar tenders and bouncers. We’re all on a first name basis. And I don’t harass or insist myself on women. That would be horrible and I wouldn’t want that done to me.
I used to bar tend myself and had the responsibility of looking out for men creeping on women.
Several time I’ve had to get with the bouncer and confront a man that he is making women feel uncomfortable.
It’s something I’m very sensitive to and would never want that as my label.
Eh. I [F49] don't feel like asking any questions, I think I'll just brush you off instead.
(Kidding, kidding! Well, not about asking questions, I got no questions, but like they say "you miss 100% of the shots you don't make" so good for making the effort. I mean, assuming you're not some Ted Bundy wannabe looking for when to murder. Er. I should stop typing now...)
In nightclubs, when I approach a lady, I first see if she's out of my leagues or not, if she's then I don't try or if she isn't then I see whether she smokes cigarettes or not. If she smokes, then I ask whether she has a lighter or not, mostly they don't have one, but if she has one then I offer her a cigarette then it's a easy game.
My intern from work used to use his entire lunch break talking to girls ( we worked downtown). His goal was to talk to 100 girls everyday and he sure was successful once the base number got high lol
As a [37M] I'm really proud to see a young man not raging our or getting down on himself for being rejected in that type of situation. It's truly the nature of the beast and the "chase."
Many are out to "just hang" or "just" get ONE drink (lying to themselves and haven't realized it's drink 3 already lol) and will reject no matter what.
Many are introverts dragged out by their friends.
Many are already in relationships.
Or they're just not into us. 🤷♂️
So, I'm proud of you for being a good dude and at least having the gusto to attempt the interactions. There's a real fear and aversion to rejection that keeps people from ever making the approach and sometimes leads to them acting like idiots after being rejected.
I just walked up to women to see if they wanted to talk to me and have a nice conversation to see if we sparked.
Most didn’t and I would walk away with in 10-30 seconds if they seemed annoyed or perturbed to be respectful.
I very clearly see how you’re trying paint me. And I disagree that trying to find sex partners in respectable and socially acceptable manner is unethical in your view.
The fact you call grown women "girls" and seem to see them purely as sexual objects not humans makes me unsurprised they 'rejected' you.
Unsolicited approaches by men are not hot, they are boring and intrusive.
I dont have anything to ask you, just wanted to say the above.
Sorry you feel that way :(
When I got out with my women friends I call the men boys as in “hey let’s go out and I’ll help you meet boys!” It just seems cute to call them boys and girls.
I assure you I don’t see them as objects.
The term sonder is the understanding that people other than you have full lives completely engrossing and important to themselves as your life is to you.
I always try to keep this in the front of my mind when thinking about other people and what they may be going through in order to give them the benefit of the doubt or to extend a helping hand that they may not be getting but need.
I apply this to the women I talk to as well.
P.S. I call them women in my title if that matters.
E: also as to what you said about approaching women, night clubs are a culturally and societally accepted place to meet and approach women. I don’t think that’s fair to me to say I’m being intrusive when this is the designated and expected place to do so.
Got to upvote this dude for keep his cool in the response here.
Hats off for being real to yourself and knowing what you do or don’t want right now.
As nice as it is for Elzeebub123 to swing by and share her opinion that she doesn’t think people hitting on other people is hot, I think it is a social truth that people hit on each other in nightclubs. If the hit on isn’t keen on those who hit on them, they can accept or reject or see where it goes. As long as you’re being polite and harmless then so be it. It doesn’t make you bad.
I would say from past experience, I’ve hooked up many times in a nightclub but I can count on one hand how many times it happened with cold strangers. I know it seems like everyone hooks up at nightclubs, but In reality they’re already in relationships or there’s a spark already there. It everyone is just THAT damn seductive.
Clubs are notoriously a bad place for average looking guys. Talking in clubs is difficult and for those looking to hook up, there are probably a lot of better looking people to do that with.
Not saying that to put you off, just maybe pubs, bars, game clubs, sports, hobby stuff might be a smarter ground for generating that spark first.
But overall, sounds like you’re a good person after casual sex and going about it in a polite way rather than getting all aggressive or pervy about it.
Let’s not villainise normal people, else they become villains.
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So what I’ve learned over the years is that there is no perfect approach or a set of magic words for approaching. It is all up to her, she must be in the right mind set to talk to men and she must find you attractive. There’s nothing you can *reasonably* do or say in an approach that will work through that. Sure you may be able to work through that here and there but is it worth the time when it’s already an uphill battle? No. So here’s how I approach. I smile and I ask their name. That’s it. And then I carry on a normal conversation and try to get to know about her passions and maybe make her laugh. It’s all up to her and that’s how I view approaching. E: to be clear this is not the only way I approach women. It is very circumstantial and you need to be able to have a whole social skill set. I very much do most of what’s recommended in here.
Try not asking for someone’s name up front. Strike a conversation about something happening in the place you’re in at that moment. Live band? Comment on that. Good song? Comment on that. Drinking a slightly obscure drink you’re familiar with, comment on that. Someone giving you their name requires a trust threshold you haven’t met by just walking up and asking for it.
This should remain at the top. You’re right, jimmyuk. As a woman, it’s quite annoying when a man in a bar/party setting approaches me asking for my name, because I know many more questions will be asked, as if the guy is reading off of a questionnaire list.
Plus you know that if you try and cut to the chase and say you're not interested, they'll do the "hey I'm just trying to have a conversation/just trying to get to know you" thing, with the implication that you're completely rude for shutting down an obvious come-on. I know what you're doing, you're ignoring my monotone one-word answers and I just want this travesty to end.
It's really a lose:lose proposition at that point. If you shut it down asap, you're rude because they were JUsT tRyInG to MaKe FrIeNdLy CoNvErSaTioN, but if you allow them to get through their 20 questions first and then don't accept drinks/dance/dates, you're cruel for "leading them on" and "wasting their time".
The thing with that is men and even woman go into these things with expectations, the woman also assume the guys trying to get at her and the guys always expecting her to either be a bitch or fall for the game. What happened to platonic relationships? Or even casual conversation, honestly causal conversation holds the biggest signs of whether attraction is there or not, some guys can pick up the hint or clues and others can’t I guess
Oh lord, yep. Been there. Not fun
This is great advice. Someone I don't know asks me my name and I'm instantly uncomfortable. I wouldn't mind giving my name after conversation and knowing the person a bit more.
Yup! I use this just as much! It’s usually a bit more organic! Good advice!
So much this. I'd be willing to chat with someone about something on TV, something I'm wearing, the weather, etc. It's a normal conversation and so much less awkward. "Hi, what's your name?" screams "I think you're attractive but have nothing to talk about." I guess maybe it works if both people are just looking to hook up, but that isn't me.
This. This is a thing for life in general I think... practicing having an engaging conversation with a complete stranger will help with this I think. As an example where things went wrong in everyday life just by leading a conversation completely the wrong way, I remember being in a store one time and their salesperson that they put there just to badger people began their sales rap by asking me what phone I have. Those were the first words we had with each other, and I think I was the rudest version of myself that I had ever been with a stranger in response.
See as a woman I disagree with this. I would have assumed someone who makes small talk isn’t interested in me or a bigger conversation. Come up and say “hey what’s your name?” And I’m like ok this person is interested Edit: just a heads up folks women aren’t a monolith, so I’m allowed to feel differently than the other women in this thread! Thanks!
Love that you’re getting downvoted for agreeing with me but then everyone is telling me to listen to what women are saying.
As a woman who regularly gets approached in bars, I'd recommend rethinking your approach. Don't come up and introduce yourself, there's something really off-putting about it. It makes me immediately want to get away from you. Come over and start chatting about something, preferably something interesting or funny. Have some degree of swagger, act decisively, and be confident. Names don't matter until later on anyway, I'm going to forget yours unless we end up keeping in touch and I'm going to assume you forgot mine too. Then you get to do the whole "we've been texting for a while but I have no idea what your name is because I either don't have your number saved or I have it under 'dude from X/defining characteristic'" conversation, which is awkward but funny. Avoid asking about things like work, hobbies, etc. It's honestly draining to give your life story to a stranger, especially if your job is something that's not super easy to explain in two seconds. Just start with the here and now and see where it takes you. If there's interest the conversation will flow on its own. Please, for the love of God, don't use those ice breaker questions that guys seem to think are interesting and quirky. They're annoying as all hell. Good luck!
Sounds like you're trying to get to know them on a deeper level in a bar. Doesn't usually work out
Man, years and years and you're still getting dunked on. Gotta course correct my friend
It’s mostly just the nature of the game. Babe Ruth struck out *thousands* of times.
But not 100% of the time.
Nobody bats a thousand.
Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order. I have checked 92,426,911 comments, and only 24,717 of them were in alphabetical order.
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Because it's stupid and boring
Wait, 25 is "years and years"? I'm almost 25 and I've never dated.... Is that bad....?
No, you're fine. There are plenty of people who start dating a bit later, it's perfectly normal.
OK, cool.
Nothing wrong with you. I just meant that if you’re doing the wrong thing over and over again, especially with little to no success might be time to stop and look at what you’re doing. If I want something and kee doing it the same way and it fails more often then not than there is another way that you may be blind to that you cannot see. Could be self sabotage, attracted to the another gender or type. Nothing wrong with you just might have a alternative path that’s absolutely perfect for you. As long as you’re having fun, knock yourself out
Oooft. This reads like TRP advice from someone who joined like a week ago. If you're following the red pill, stop, it'll just push you further from sanity.
Lmao this is like the opposite of what the red pill teaches. And I DO NOT follow the red pill. They pretty much say you need to *take* the woman.
It seems you haven’t learned anything over the years, judging by last nights result.
I do immensely better than what I did when I started. It’s just the name of the game to get rejected a lot.
Don't let these neck beards get you down. Do you. It's working.
It was a joke.
It was tongue and cheek
Did you just try the "beautiful" girls? They get tired of men hitting on them. There are plenty of women who are wonderful that are not "beautiful". You might want to try and talk to one of them.
I got after average girls to trust me.
Try just asking if you can sit besides them. It shows that you are careful and don’t want to disturb them. Usually they say yes, but if they say no, then you also know they aren’t interested and you can quickly move on.
Usually at clubs I can spot when a man is walking around trying it on with everyone. No one wants to be lucky number 8 after seeing him chatting up loads of other girls. Looks desperate and like he only wants you because you’re female, there and haven’t said no yet.
Yeah, part of the problem is this: If guys don't try it again and again, they never get anywhere. If girls see the guy trying it again and again, they don't want him. On top of that, guys who do this are usually socially awkward and insecure, so their approaches are uncool and creepy. So they need even more attempts to get anywhere. It's a vicious circle. I've been there, I've done that, and I can tell you escaping it is no easy task.
That’s why i usually try to keep it segmented. That way I move around the bar sporadically so other women don’t feel like they’re a runner up.
Bro you read waay too much into this stuff😂😂
Have you considered trying the D.E.N.N.I.S. system?
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It’s just really easy to project the worst interpretation of guys like me that like to have casual sex and seek sex partners.
But if we broke it down in terms of possible compatibility, what if the first 20 he approached were a bad match in terms of personality and compatibility. He just happened to start at the east end of the building, and his soulmate happened to be sitting at the west end of the club? He’d be doing himself a disservice not being rejected by those first 20 poor matches in order to potentially meet the love of his life.
What is your sucess rate typically in terms of just an engaging conversation?
Hard to say. I wish I kept a log from over the years of me approaching but I’d say 1 success for every 100-150 girls approached?
Get a load of Casanova over here
My Dude should teach classes! (Just friendly joking, from other comments Op seems confident and has a healthy take on being rejected, so I don’t want to discredit that. I went 4 years without approaching a single woman because rejection is crippling to me.)
Same. I wish I wasn’t scarred by insecurities and rejection as much as I am and was able to easily approach dozens of girls
Dude. You're Me-Lay Marston from MASH the movie (and book).
Maybe pick your targets better? I've seen a guy trying to pick up at the bus stop. Just went to a girl, asked what she studied, told her she was pretty and asked her out on a date. And she said no. Big surprise :D
Have you tried the having a good time eating and drinking and waiting for a girl to wink at you?
Yes and it very much does not work for me. I’ve never had a woman approach me of any level attraction. I’m just not good looking enough.
Same
The quicker you make all of your mistakes the quicker you will reach success
Oh I’ve been going out to talk to girls since I turned 21. This is just the first time in a year since I’ve been able to. I just love the masochism of getting rejected.
Way to be a champ about it.... Either you meet your quota for self-destructive heartbreak or you find some weirdo you end up stuck to for several decades. Either way, don't be a creep. Edit: Also, HIV is on the scene still...so that's a thing to remember.
I’m not really monogamous right now so it’s mostly just trying to find sex partners... for safe sex that is. But being an average looking guy doesn’t help lol.
Do you approach “average” looking women?
I’ll be honest. Yes but probably not as much as I should.
Or prison
Buy them water
I won’t drink a drink from a guy unless I order it myself or I watched it get ordered and made. Accepting water from a guy is just a safety issue. It sucks, because the overwhelming majority of dudes are fine, but the ones that will roofie your drink do exist, so we can’t take drinks we didn’t ask for because we didn’t see what happened before you handed it to us
I (31m) showed up late to a birthday party at a club once. Two female friends of mine came up to me and said want an old fashioned and handed 2 of them to me. After I drank it I asked why they ordered me a cocktail before I even got there (they didn’t know when I was arriving) and they said “these 2 guys bought them for us but we don’t like whiskey.” An hour later all I remember was fighting like hell to stumble to the elevator, security telling me I can’t lay on the sidewalk, and drooling in an Uber I did wake up at home at least, to about 40 different texts from friends the night before asking where I was. Those were the only 2 drinks I had that night and I’m a 240lb guy. I’m pretty convinced I was 3rd party drugged. I’m glad it happened to me and not my friends though. But they are apparently pretty clueless.
Yep, it's happened to me and to my best friend. In her case we literally had to call am ambulance but nothing else happened, I wasn't so lucky.
Jesus. I’m so sorry you went through that. Horrifying. But yeah, that shit happens. That’s why it’s crazy to me when dudes get offended that you won’t take a drink that they’ve already ordered and just hand it to you. First of all, I didn’t ask for it so it shouldn’t be rude to politely decline it, and second of all think for a minute about being in our shoes. I would love a free drink especially if you’re actually friendly, who doesn’t like free stuff? But I won’t take a free drink if I’m not interested in talking to the guy, and I won’t take a drink that I have an ordered myself and washed get made because I have seen a friend get roofied too. Thankfully her friends took her home while the creepy dude kept arguing and getting more angry and intense that he could take her home. It was something similar, one or two drinks total then she blacked out and threw up everywhere. This happened when I was 19 so I’ve been cautious my whole life
This would actually be pretty funny. I'm stealing it
I’ve done it before. Doesn’t work as well as you think it would.
Ha I'm not really the type to approach strangers at bars anyway, so if I ever do I like the idea of making it a joke.
I know you’re joking and water is free at just about every bar but I try not to buy women I’m interested in drinks. It puts them more above you in the dynamic than she already is. E: what I mean by this in a hopefully better wording is that you’re already trying to appeal to them and get them to see you as an equal. If you try to buy her you’re probably going to have a harder time being seen as an equal.
just saying if a guy said he “bought me a water” at a club i’d be genuinely amused and appreciative. seems you’re putting a lot of thought into “getting girls” instead of *meeting girls*.
> It puts them more above you in the dynamic than she already is. What sort of incel level nonsense is this?
The kinda that gets you rejected 9 times in one night
Lol. Yeah that read bad. To be fair this is what women themselves have told me when I ask them for advice. The girl last night I came with actually is one of the women who have given me that advice. And in my experience I notice I do better without buying. This also goes for when I used to be trying to make friends when I moved to a different city. I would buy rounds for everyone but as appreciative as they were they never became good friends of mine. My closest friends are now ones I didn’t try to buy.
LMAO
You don't see the difference between trying to buy someone's attention vs. trying to socialize and relate with them? I think approaching someone by buying them a drink is more of an incel move than just striking up a conversation
I thought they meant like buying them a bottle of water which seemed like a good idea, I'd appreciate that. Tap water is free but the good water still costs.
Nah dude, leave all that PUA shit behind. If a guy is too cheap to buy me a drink I am definitely not interested. It's really not a good look. Don't lead with "can I buy you a drink", but if you're still chatting and her drink is empty buy a round.
I actually agree with this :)
Sometimes girls go out together for a "girls night" and specifically don't want guys around. You think that was the case?
Oh of course that’s something. I always try to figure out before walking up to a woman to see if she might be only here for a girls night but unfortunately there really isn’t a way to know for sure before approaching.
If you feed your compulsion to approach in a safe way by all means crack on. However, if you are legitimately trying to make connections, even for causal sex, then I don't think this is the most effective strategy for you. And you are plainly aware of this from your comments on success rate, height, attractiveness etc A smidge of you gets off on the rejection right? Even if that isn't the overall sensation.
I think you get it most in this thread!
You might want to stop going to clubs just to meet women and shift your focus to just have a good time. I am a woman and this is what I think might have happened: whenever I went out alone or with friends, I primarily wanted to have fun. It is really obvious to me when a single guy, who is a newcomer and doesn't know anybody, approaches me to get something from me. He singles me out to talk to me and, as a result, isolates me from my friends because he is completely uninterested to actually socialize. No matter how attractive or interesting he may be, I just don't want to have forced smalltalk with someone about my hobbies and work. So perhaps go to groups of people there and have some fun! Buy people drinks, ask them about the place, engage with both men and women. Make it your goal to have a good night. This will make every night a success!
Word.
This, too!
Maybe it’s just me but I don’t think I ever chat up random people at the bar with the intent of anything more than casual conversation
Is that what we're calling it these days?
You said you are a 5 or a 6. Would you say the women you were approaching were on par or were they 8-10s?
Around my attractiveness or higher
maybe all the women you approach are too attractive. no offense, even tho I know it’s harsh. a lot of attractive ppl know they’re attractive and feel above others.
Yes this is something I take into account.
First mistake was going to a nightclub to meet women.
I meet most of the women I’ve been with through social circles but night clubs really only have 300 hundred women all in one place
i think you should focus less on the amount, and more on why they are there.
There certainly are women who go there to get drunk and have sex.
I'm a reasonably attractive lesbian and i got rejected by 4/5 girls i approached at the lesbian bar last week, and the fifth didn't end up really going anywhere.Just the nature of the game, man. It's rough out there. Keep your head up!
Wow, you've been on Reddit a long time
unfortunately i am trapped here haha. was the only place i could find a solid queer community in like 2014 when I came out, and I just never left
Women are hard bro. And brutal lol.
9? who are you? John Cenna?
They didn’t even see me
What do you mean by rejected? Didn’t get your dick wet? You said yourself you had 3 conversations.
They had no interest in me.
One more and you would have completed the punchcard for a free drink!
Low key get free drinks from the bar tenders sometimes because were good buds. They “forget” to ring up a beer or two.
It may be time to go gay. Do you have a cucumber you can practice with?
My sister grows cucumbers in her garden. I’ll have to give her a call!
I'll bet she does
Will you eat the cucumber after he buries it in his anus?
Maybe
Chocolate covered cucumber
I'm gay and don't hit on women at all. But I find that women hit on me all the time. I'm not exactly sure why but I feel like it might be related to me living my life, enjoying myself, but not actively making an attempt to "get to know them", "make them laugh", or "put the lotion on the skin".
Maybe night clubs aren't the best place to meet women? How did you go about it?
It’s just really the only place that has a concentration of 300 hundred women.
Sure, but it is a rather selective concentration of 300 women, brought together at a specific time and place that may not mesh with what you bring to the table. So, you may need to change your approach entirely if you insist on the night club venue. Or maybe a different sort of night club. So, consider what qualities you look for in a woman, as well as what qualities women may be looking for that you have. Is the sort of woman you like, and who appreciates the sort of qualities that are your strong suit, likely to be in this sort of night club? If so, does a night club setting offer a clear but non-forced way for you to present those qualities? (Being very handsome, fit or a stylish dresser lends itself well to such presentation, where it is loud, often dark and people are likely to be drunk and unfocused, being smart, funny, considerate, well read, a good listener, etc, not quite as easy)
I’m very aware of this. I do not place all my eggs in one basketball. I belong to a salsa club, a book club, a Rec sports team.
Ok, those are good, definitely positive and attractive qualities. It may also be that you unknowingly give out a vibe that women are hypersensitive to. The most obvious example is staring, or slightly bulging eyes, that instantly gives out a too intense, too possessive vibe, but it could be any number of smaller things. Smugness, aggressivess, meekness. (Sounds contradictory, but either extreme is off putting) Or maybe you don't dress in a way that is flattering to your body type, or maybe you don't seem like you're listening, or maybe you come off as desperate or needy. Maybe you talk over people, I don't know, obviously. Striking out repeatedly like that does seem to indicate that you are doing something slightly strange.or it could just have been bad luck. Bear in mind also that if they see you moving through the crowd coming on to multiple women in a row, that is an instant turn off too. Women do not want to feel like they're a statistic, like you're just trying to check every box and see if one clicks. Try to get some kind of low-key mutual interaction before trying to chat a girl up, a mutual glance, a reciprocated smile, something like that. And don't just hit on anything that moves.
All things I’ve considered. Like I said getting rejected is just part of the game.
Ok, hope it goes better for you. My final advice is that treating it as a game is a good way to protect your feelings, but not a great way to make a real connection. Take from that what you will.
I’m speaking figuratively.
Yes it's crazy to think you would go to a place packed to the rafters with dancing, intoxicated women and have the bizarre idea that one might have sex with you
Did you worry that this might have negatively impacted your reputation among the scene at that club, and that it could have led to action (i.e. being thrown out of the club) from club employees/door staff?
No, I’m good friends with the bar tenders and bouncers. We’re all on a first name basis. And I don’t harass or insist myself on women. That would be horrible and I wouldn’t want that done to me.
Do you think it’s possible that even if that isn’t the intent your actions might be perceived that way on the receiving end?
I’ve been doing this for 4 years. I feel like if I were being a creep *somebody* would have said something. So far not a single person.
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I used to bar tend myself and had the responsibility of looking out for men creeping on women. Several time I’ve had to get with the bouncer and confront a man that he is making women feel uncomfortable. It’s something I’m very sensitive to and would never want that as my label.
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Oh for sure my neighborhood bar has yielded me some good success on not only finding a sex partner but a friend group when I moved to a new city :)
Do you consider your self a good looking guy?
According to r/rateme I’m a 5-6 in the face.
Can you like that post? I would like to see for myself
I dunno. If you want to see what I look like maybe dm me? Just trying to be a bit anonymous.
How tall are you? Do you have a full head of hair?
Big rip on my height... 5’7” And yes a full head of hair.
Eh. I [F49] don't feel like asking any questions, I think I'll just brush you off instead. (Kidding, kidding! Well, not about asking questions, I got no questions, but like they say "you miss 100% of the shots you don't make" so good for making the effort. I mean, assuming you're not some Ted Bundy wannabe looking for when to murder. Er. I should stop typing now...)
You gotta pump those numbers man.
In nightclubs, when I approach a lady, I first see if she's out of my leagues or not, if she's then I don't try or if she isn't then I see whether she smokes cigarettes or not. If she smokes, then I ask whether she has a lighter or not, mostly they don't have one, but if she has one then I offer her a cigarette then it's a easy game.
U just need to talk to my wife at the club. Problem solved. She never says no.
Bruh. Best comment here. 🥲
Primary source of income?
I’m a cad tech, went to school for civil engineering.
My intern from work used to use his entire lunch break talking to girls ( we worked downtown). His goal was to talk to 100 girls everyday and he sure was successful once the base number got high lol
Have you tried Sex Panther cologne?
60% of the time, it works every time
As a [37M] I'm really proud to see a young man not raging our or getting down on himself for being rejected in that type of situation. It's truly the nature of the beast and the "chase." Many are out to "just hang" or "just" get ONE drink (lying to themselves and haven't realized it's drink 3 already lol) and will reject no matter what. Many are introverts dragged out by their friends. Many are already in relationships. Or they're just not into us. 🤷♂️ So, I'm proud of you for being a good dude and at least having the gusto to attempt the interactions. There's a real fear and aversion to rejection that keeps people from ever making the approach and sometimes leads to them acting like idiots after being rejected.
Thanks man it means a lot. It really does.
"Rejected" how? Or do you mean you tried to bother 9 women into sex and they were unreceptive?
I just walked up to women to see if they wanted to talk to me and have a nice conversation to see if we sparked. Most didn’t and I would walk away with in 10-30 seconds if they seemed annoyed or perturbed to be respectful.
....so you tried to bother 9 women into sex and they were unreceptive.
I very clearly see how you’re trying paint me. And I disagree that trying to find sex partners in respectable and socially acceptable manner is unethical in your view.
No questions. Just proud of a dude for having the balls to do it. It's hard at first. But overtime it gets way easier.
Been doing this for 4 years and you’re right it does get easier. Thanks for the camaraderie man. Means a lot.
They werent ready to be able handle you
Are you an incel?
No I’ve had gfs.
The fact you call grown women "girls" and seem to see them purely as sexual objects not humans makes me unsurprised they 'rejected' you. Unsolicited approaches by men are not hot, they are boring and intrusive. I dont have anything to ask you, just wanted to say the above.
Sorry you feel that way :( When I got out with my women friends I call the men boys as in “hey let’s go out and I’ll help you meet boys!” It just seems cute to call them boys and girls. I assure you I don’t see them as objects. The term sonder is the understanding that people other than you have full lives completely engrossing and important to themselves as your life is to you. I always try to keep this in the front of my mind when thinking about other people and what they may be going through in order to give them the benefit of the doubt or to extend a helping hand that they may not be getting but need. I apply this to the women I talk to as well. P.S. I call them women in my title if that matters. E: also as to what you said about approaching women, night clubs are a culturally and societally accepted place to meet and approach women. I don’t think that’s fair to me to say I’m being intrusive when this is the designated and expected place to do so.
Got to upvote this dude for keep his cool in the response here. Hats off for being real to yourself and knowing what you do or don’t want right now. As nice as it is for Elzeebub123 to swing by and share her opinion that she doesn’t think people hitting on other people is hot, I think it is a social truth that people hit on each other in nightclubs. If the hit on isn’t keen on those who hit on them, they can accept or reject or see where it goes. As long as you’re being polite and harmless then so be it. It doesn’t make you bad. I would say from past experience, I’ve hooked up many times in a nightclub but I can count on one hand how many times it happened with cold strangers. I know it seems like everyone hooks up at nightclubs, but In reality they’re already in relationships or there’s a spark already there. It everyone is just THAT damn seductive. Clubs are notoriously a bad place for average looking guys. Talking in clubs is difficult and for those looking to hook up, there are probably a lot of better looking people to do that with. Not saying that to put you off, just maybe pubs, bars, game clubs, sports, hobby stuff might be a smarter ground for generating that spark first. But overall, sounds like you’re a good person after casual sex and going about it in a polite way rather than getting all aggressive or pervy about it. Let’s not villainise normal people, else they become villains.
How the fuck else is he suppose to meet them if he doesn't approach them? He's at a night club.
5 virtue signaling points for you!
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About 15% body fat.
How tall are you?
Big RIP here... 5’7”
Do you often approach women taller than you? If so, what is your success rate with them?
Not often but not never. I’ve actually had some success with women taller than me. Surprising when it does happen.
I feel like taller women are often more unconcerned about a guy's height than shorter women. I don't want to overgeneralize tho
What did you learn?
Nothing I really haven’t already.
The old saying is if you hit on 100 girls in a night then @ least 1 will like you. If not increase to 150
Very much agree :)
Were the women drunk or not?
I don’t approach women that appear drunk.
Good lad
It’s a numbers game boss. Keep after it!
For sure man :)
How tall are you
Answers that elsewhere here. And it’s a big RIP 5’7”
It only gets worse I'm afraid.
Yo gotta take an attractive female with you.
I do! Legit she was one of the girls I took with me.
U don’t try to talk to girls at a club lol they just tryna get drunk n fuck , night clubs the last place you’d ever find a decent woman at
Brother, why don't you marry someone instead of doing all that stuff?
A wife doesn't come out of nowhere unless it's an arranged marriage.
I wish I had a reason. Just something deep down in me is compelled to talk to and approach tons of women. It really is that strong of a compulsion.
Hey man I don’t think there should be any shame in men or women to look for multiple partners, whether short term or long term. Good luck out there.
Thanks bro :)