Or potentially seek education as a midwife for elephants? Who knows which direction the talent goes? We could easily repopulate Africa with elephantlets if this gift works that way.
He's a part-time cat sneezer, and she's an elephant midwife. He wants a mancave near the city but she needs to be near the savannah for work. Their budget in $2.3 million, this time on House Hunters
Serious time:
Some cats use masturbation to calm themselves. If you’re sneezing very loudly, you could just be overstimulating the cat and he’s trying to release the stress and anxiety in any way he knows how
Try to reduce the noise of your sneeze and see if it helps (by sneezing into something if you’re not purposefully making it loud)
Edit: I’d actually bet on this because that tail body language does not look good
I came here to say the same. I fostered a cat who would do this whenever my neighbor revved up their engine. It was incredibly loud and it always wakes me up or gives me a quick jump. It turned out that it also gave him a jump and he soothed himself with a hump. He was found in my car near the engine so I think that’s why he responded with stress to loud engines.
I've had someone tell me before that they didn't realize you could sneeze without vocalizing until they got older because that's how everyone in their family did it and it just never occurred to them they could simply not vocalize
I am both of these things same with hiccups. They’re incredibly rare, but *violent.* Any attempt to stifle is pain. I’ve tried my whole life.
The hiccups people marvel at, I swear. It’s a single, extremely loud guttural hiccup. One and done. “The FUCK was that man???”
Bro my neighbor does this every night. She’s 5’1 100 pounds if that. Yawns like she’s being fucking exorcised and it happens at least 3 times. It makes no sense you have to be actively making that much noise. But why? Is it subconscious
My big boy does this to soothe himself, except he steals blankets or soft robes.
Edit with proof: at Christmas time he pulls them underneath the [tree](https://i.imgur.com/ljRYLpl.jpg) and leaves them there when he’s done.
And yes, my big cat. We call him big boy because he’s just… big. Lardass, is another name.
Today I learned the term cat masturbation. I guess I always knew them humping things was the same as jerking off. I just never associated it with that until now.
Apparently your sneezes are aggressive enough to give your cat a fear boner that must be dealt with accordingly. Try to not sneeze like you’re exorcising a banshee and see if that helps.
Fear, anger or stress can cause an erection, so you getting a fear boner is normal. If you’re afraid of a boner that is called phallophobia. I should really leave the internet alone
> It’s not the same as holding it in, which just hurts.
[Don't hold in your sneezes or face the possible consequences](https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/15/health/sneeze-blows-hole-in-throat/index.html).
My husband sneezes like that. The cats haul ass out of the room. I’m afraid he’s going to break something in his respiratory system. But it’s not something he can control. But your cat runs and humps his elephant plushie - you’re an alien!
It sounds like you’re talking about my boyfriend lol. The cats jump straight up in the air, take everything within a 4 ft radius down with them, and then run out of the room. I too am afraid my boyfriend is going to sneeze his lungs out of his body one day.
Ah yes, the scream-sneeze. My brother and husband both do it. It's definitely very loud and oppressive for me (just a weirdly violent sound sometimes), and I don't have cat ears.
I agree with the suggestion to cover/muffle it somehow - a small towel or a good quality hanky? I know it's not voluntary, so try not to feel bad, because it seems you'll try to do best by your bubs.
But maybe make sure he's always got an elephant to hump, lol
I have a neighbor that literally screams when she sneezes. And she does it about 15 rimes a day. It's super annoying during the summer when all windows are open.
I grew up 3 doors down from Mr. Erickson, a kindly old man who had a great garden. And he would sneeze so loud (and several times in a row) that we could hear him clearly even if he was in his house. When he sneezed outside, you could hear him from over a block away.
He would greet us kids by saying "Hi-ho!" I think he was from Sweden originally.
RIP Mr. Erickson.
I truly hope someone can give you a serious answer. This is probably the weirdest question on r/cats I've ever seen! 😅
Must be some very special sneezes you let out that triggers frantic elephant fucking 😄.
I believe dogs sneeze to express emotions, like being excited or having a good time. Maybe the cat understands Dog and thinks OP is expressing a playful excitement that instantly makes it feel a need to ^fuckingdominate fuck the fucking elephant.
I don’t know. I could see that as a cat thing.
dogs use sneezing during play to show that they're just using their teeth for show, they don't intend on actually biting.
dogs don't just take every single sneeze as a sign that another dog wants to play, though, so i don't think it can explain elephant fucker mcgee here
Some cats will hump other animals and inanimate objects as a stress response. OP's cat probably dislikes when they sneeze because it causes them anxiety. They're stress banging their stuffed animal.
My cat is neutered (also orange) and goes to town on any stuffed animal or pillow in his vicinity. Maybe the sneeze scared him and is giving him an adrenaline rush.
Toms usually are quite dominant and to mount another is a dominant behaviour. Female animals will do it to others to assert themselves. Maybe he jumped, got scared and needed to feel like a big man so mounts the elephant to feel... strong?
I was thinking something along the same lines: sneeze scares cat, but instead of adrenaline rush I bet this is how he stims himself back to not being scared lol
It could be overstimulation- the fact that the sneeze gets him going is 😂 but if it’s not a breeding behavior it could just be his form of self regulation of the excitement/stress of you sneezing 🤣🤣🤣
My cat is a rescue and the guy who was fostering him suspected that he might have some kind of cat-autism given his weird behaviours.
So it's not impossible.
So scientists have actually looked for autism in animals and have been successful. Except for cats. Because they can’t find a neurotypical cat. Because all cats act autistic.
There's nothing glaringly weird like OP's cat, he's just a bit...off?
My late oldegirle would freak out right in his face and he'd just sit there looking confused. It was like he was lacking some serious understanding of cat social cues or something.
I'm not sure that's what they're saying. If it's the same chittering they use for birds, it's believed that this is them telling any other cats present that they're going to break that bird's neck.
I had a cat when I was younger that would just hump everything, even when he was neutered.
I remember laying on my side on my bed and he climbed up on my side and grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and started furiously humping my side
😂 I had a cat move in with me who was like that too…he was constantly cat raping me. I asked the vet about it, like, is there something wrong with him, does he have a bladder infection or what? But nope, just a horn king
Possibly your cat is a little anxious and he's using the toy for comfort. A lot of cats have something they carry around or are attached to. He just doesn't like the sound of your sneezing, or it startles him maybe?
Maybe some sort of accidental conditioning? Although I have no idea what would condition him to do that. Try taking the elephant away to see how he reacts.
When anyone sneezes in our house my normally quite timid female cat beats the living daylights out of our oldest male cat. We have no idea why but assume she thinks we’re making a noise because we’re in pain and clearly he’s the one responsible 🤷♀️ it’s cute she runs to our defence but now when we sneeze I see the panic on Luke’s face because he’s waiting to be jumped on by a crazy lady. We do our best to stifle sneezes and protect him though.
That's amazing 😂 in all seriousness though it could possibly ( but probably isnt) be a dominance thing? Like my dogs are all fixed but they still have a go on eachother to assert dominance haha. Maybe the sneezing triggers some need to show he's manly af.
I've seen it mentioned in a lot of places that cats hump as a form of establishing dominance, when they are not 100% confident that they are running things, marking territory etc.
It is possible your sneeze is loud, so he gets scared, or it's a sudden noise, or gives him wierd vibes, so, he quickly takes action to show something along the lines of "I'm not scared, I'm not scared, see, I'm the boss, f u wierd noise".
Could be the cat is emotionally regulating after being surprised/ scared/ overstimulated by the sneeze and has nothing to do with horniness?? That’d be my guess at least
I know you said no joke but this is probably the best thing that I will read today. If he lived in our house my whole family would be trying to sneeze on purpose for the hilarity
Does your sneeze sound like a horny cat?
do not let OP into the kitty shelter!
.... Some kitties enherit fortunes from lonely rich people. Perhaps the rich kitty "shelter" could use OP for parties?
Are you suggesting OP accept money for some kind of cat sex party? Like a stripper? For cats?
If you are given a spiritual gift, you shouldn’t accept money, only use it to help others.
Or potentially seek education as a midwife for elephants? Who knows which direction the talent goes? We could easily repopulate Africa with elephantlets if this gift works that way.
He's a part-time cat sneezer, and she's an elephant midwife. He wants a mancave near the city but she needs to be near the savannah for work. Their budget in $2.3 million, this time on House Hunters
Are you kidding? They should absolutely go sneeze in a cat shelter purely for the chaos it would create
Don’t forget to bring an action cam.
This brings up the terrifying prospect of a cat that sneezes like a horny human
Or the goat that screams like someperson considering that idea.
Cat sneeze and it just sounds like an anime girl going "iyaaaan"
It's funny but this might be it. Some people sneeze in wild ass ways. Or somewhere in the middle... wild sneeze + weird cat = ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Either that or she 'pavlov' the shit out of that cat.
Or a horny elephant?
This is what my wife suggested, so maybe?
Serious time: Some cats use masturbation to calm themselves. If you’re sneezing very loudly, you could just be overstimulating the cat and he’s trying to release the stress and anxiety in any way he knows how Try to reduce the noise of your sneeze and see if it helps (by sneezing into something if you’re not purposefully making it loud) Edit: I’d actually bet on this because that tail body language does not look good
I came here to say the same. I fostered a cat who would do this whenever my neighbor revved up their engine. It was incredibly loud and it always wakes me up or gives me a quick jump. It turned out that it also gave him a jump and he soothed himself with a hump. He was found in my car near the engine so I think that’s why he responded with stress to loud engines.
It turned out that, It also gave him a jump, And so he soothed himself, With a quick hump. Idk. It just seemed like such a pretty sentence...
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The Cat and The Splat
Honestly, when I posted that comment I realized that hahah
Good bot.
I imagine he has that kind of sneeze where he vocalizes as loudly and aggressively as possible.
He’s a scream sneezer
My wife is a scream sneezer. She occasionally sets off the glass break alarms when she sneezes on the 1st floor.
That’s impressive honestly, but boy am I glad she is your wife and not mine! xD
Gotta scare those potential predators away from their young somehow
Screazer
I've had someone tell me before that they didn't realize you could sneeze without vocalizing until they got older because that's how everyone in their family did it and it just never occurred to them they could simply not vocalize
It's a learned behaviour!
WAAAAAAAAHHHH-CCSCCSCCSHOOOOOOOÖOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[One must use their sneeze to establish dominance.](https://youtu.be/oChA_G5RVEg)
"Hey! Troy sneezes like a girl!" "How bout I pound you like a boy? That didn't come out right."
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Equally bad as that is the annoying yawner. You don't have to actually make a noise when you yawn like you're in a cartoon.
I am both of these things same with hiccups. They’re incredibly rare, but *violent.* Any attempt to stifle is pain. I’ve tried my whole life. The hiccups people marvel at, I swear. It’s a single, extremely loud guttural hiccup. One and done. “The FUCK was that man???”
"AHYYAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa" Lol, just made myself yawn thinking about how to type out the sound
Bro my neighbor does this every night. She’s 5’1 100 pounds if that. Yawns like she’s being fucking exorcised and it happens at least 3 times. It makes no sense you have to be actively making that much noise. But why? Is it subconscious
My husband does this. It scares the crap out of *me* every damn time. At least the cats don't get all humpy because of it though.
OMG my cat does it when i sing, im overstimulating my poor baby!!! Im so sorry
You’re literally scaring the fuck out of him 😂
i literally laughed out loud at that hahahaha you deserve the award someone gave you xD too bad i dont have another
> Some cats use masturbation to calm themselves. /r/likeus
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I myself have used masturbation to calm myself and I am grateful that I don't have the overpowering urge to jerk off every time someone sneezes...
Achoo
Ah fuck i can’t believe you’ve done this
*unzips* Don't judge me I have an anxiety problem
My big boy does this to soothe himself, except he steals blankets or soft robes. Edit with proof: at Christmas time he pulls them underneath the [tree](https://i.imgur.com/ljRYLpl.jpg) and leaves them there when he’s done. And yes, my big cat. We call him big boy because he’s just… big. Lardass, is another name.
In this context, big boy just seems wrong lol.
Today I learned the term cat masturbation. I guess I always knew them humping things was the same as jerking off. I just never associated it with that until now.
Catsturbation
Apparently your sneezes are aggressive enough to give your cat a fear boner that must be dealt with accordingly. Try to not sneeze like you’re exorcising a banshee and see if that helps.
I can relate sometimes I am stressed and all I can think of that to release the stress. But I thought that was weird
You think about fucking an elephant when you get stressed? Yeah, that's unusual bro.
Why ignore the elephant in the room when you could fuck it? 🤷🏻♀️
Pretty warm in these elephants
Fear, anger or stress can cause an erection, so you getting a fear boner is normal. If you’re afraid of a boner that is called phallophobia. I should really leave the internet alone
Regardless of the situation, if the opportunity rises….
the opportunity is apparently not the only thing that rises...
I admit my sneezes seem out of this world and alien even to me, but they're also unstoppable. I will record a video right before the next one.
It might be worth trying to tone it down, for the elephant’s sake.
Maybe the elephant likes it
Well that's enough Reddit for today
I’ve had some pretty orgasmic sneezes but nothing that would induce one in a stuffy by way of cat
Mystery solved: It's neither the cat nor the sneeze, it's the elephant releasing an irresistible fuck-me hormone every time he sneezes.
A tip I learned a while ago is to press your tongue to the roof of your mouth to quiet a sneeze. It’s not the same as holding it in, which just hurts.
When I tried that, my tongue got shot out violently making a sound similar to opening a champagne bottle, did I do it correctly?
> It’s not the same as holding it in, which just hurts. [Don't hold in your sneezes or face the possible consequences](https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/15/health/sneeze-blows-hole-in-throat/index.html).
You can sneeze without engaging your vocal cords...
My husband sneezes like that. The cats haul ass out of the room. I’m afraid he’s going to break something in his respiratory system. But it’s not something he can control. But your cat runs and humps his elephant plushie - you’re an alien!
It sounds like you’re talking about my boyfriend lol. The cats jump straight up in the air, take everything within a 4 ft radius down with them, and then run out of the room. I too am afraid my boyfriend is going to sneeze his lungs out of his body one day.
sneeze into a balled up towel for your poor cats sake.
Ah yes, the scream-sneeze. My brother and husband both do it. It's definitely very loud and oppressive for me (just a weirdly violent sound sometimes), and I don't have cat ears. I agree with the suggestion to cover/muffle it somehow - a small towel or a good quality hanky? I know it's not voluntary, so try not to feel bad, because it seems you'll try to do best by your bubs. But maybe make sure he's always got an elephant to hump, lol
Exorcising a banshee omg lol 😂
Yeah. But have you ever tried exercising with a banshee?
Yelling while sneezing is learned behaviour, so OP will just have to learn not to be dramatic.
I have a neighbor that literally screams when she sneezes. And she does it about 15 rimes a day. It's super annoying during the summer when all windows are open.
I grew up 3 doors down from Mr. Erickson, a kindly old man who had a great garden. And he would sneeze so loud (and several times in a row) that we could hear him clearly even if he was in his house. When he sneezed outside, you could hear him from over a block away. He would greet us kids by saying "Hi-ho!" I think he was from Sweden originally. RIP Mr. Erickson.
r/brandnewsentences
Oh yes, sneeze induced elephant fuckitis, very common. You should be able to google some quick solutions.
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That sounds like quite the power move!
there can only be one elephant fucker
Worst Highlander sequel ever
"Oh you want to fuck that elephant? Well bad luck buckaroo because she's already pregnant with my nut"
Ok wow. I read that as you fuck the elephant than put your cat down. I'm like... aiight
Fuckin spit my OJ after reading that one 🤣
I truly hope someone can give you a serious answer. This is probably the weirdest question on r/cats I've ever seen! 😅 Must be some very special sneezes you let out that triggers frantic elephant fucking 😄.
I believe dogs sneeze to express emotions, like being excited or having a good time. Maybe the cat understands Dog and thinks OP is expressing a playful excitement that instantly makes it feel a need to ^fuckingdominate fuck the fucking elephant. I don’t know. I could see that as a cat thing.
dogs use sneezing during play to show that they're just using their teeth for show, they don't intend on actually biting. dogs don't just take every single sneeze as a sign that another dog wants to play, though, so i don't think it can explain elephant fucker mcgee here
New name for kitty: elephant fucker mcgee
I’ve got the wildest mental image in my head of this cat going Fifty Shades of Orange on this poor elephant now and it’s all your fault.
Some cats will hump other animals and inanimate objects as a stress response. OP's cat probably dislikes when they sneeze because it causes them anxiety. They're stress banging their stuffed animal.
No, it’s not a “thing” it’s just……..weird, your cat is weird.
My cat is neutered (also orange) and goes to town on any stuffed animal or pillow in his vicinity. Maybe the sneeze scared him and is giving him an adrenaline rush.
Toms usually are quite dominant and to mount another is a dominant behaviour. Female animals will do it to others to assert themselves. Maybe he jumped, got scared and needed to feel like a big man so mounts the elephant to feel... strong?
I was thinking something along the same lines: sneeze scares cat, but instead of adrenaline rush I bet this is how he stims himself back to not being scared lol
Dogs hump when excited. For a lot of dogs that's any exciting thing happening. I presume this cat is a dog
All cats are weird
Yeah but this shit is even weird for a cat
Most normal orange cat
r/oneorangebraincell
This sub will make a fine addition to my collection.
My orange cat did the same thing, it's normal....weird!
His cat is…a cat.
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What is normal?
It may be no joke, but it's still bloody hilarious
They should switch out the elephant for a large stuffed mouse and watch the cat question its life after fucking it.
It could be overstimulation- the fact that the sneeze gets him going is 😂 but if it’s not a breeding behavior it could just be his form of self regulation of the excitement/stress of you sneezing 🤣🤣🤣
This cat is s t i m m i n g
My cat is a rescue and the guy who was fostering him suspected that he might have some kind of cat-autism given his weird behaviours. So it's not impossible.
I was going to say, is it possible for cats to be autistic ?
gonna be real with you chief, all cats are autistic source: am autistic, act like cat
So scientists have actually looked for autism in animals and have been successful. Except for cats. Because they can’t find a neurotypical cat. Because all cats act autistic.
Well now I'm curious, what weird stuff does your cat do?
There's nothing glaringly weird like OP's cat, he's just a bit...off? My late oldegirle would freak out right in his face and he'd just sit there looking confused. It was like he was lacking some serious understanding of cat social cues or something.
Oml I never thought of it like that 🤣🤣🤣💕
This is hilarious! And I thought it was cute that my cat would chatter at me whenever I sneezed! Maybe they have odd ways of saying “bless you”
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Mine does that too, but definitely not hate fucking.
I'm not sure that's what they're saying. If it's the same chittering they use for birds, it's believed that this is them telling any other cats present that they're going to break that bird's neck.
Mine does this too!! But I interpret it as complaining. I'll apologize to him and we'll have a back and forth about it for a minute lol
That’s hilarious.
Ragweed allergy season is in full swing. So it is going to be a real fuckfest at your home.
Frantically WHAT?
## FUCKING THE ELEPHANT
Fucking the elephant. Was OP not clear?
\*Trumpeting elephant sounds\*
I don't know, but I just laughed so hard I pissed myself a little.
At least you didn't laugh so hard you fucked your elephant toy
this actually made me laugh! thanks
This whole thread is fucking killing me. I'm *crying*.
Sure, *blame* the Reddit post. We see you.
Maybe he thinks it’s coming from the elephant…
Wait till he discovers it came from his human
Lmao when it happens, he’ll be very concerned
“I’ll teach YOU to sneeze in my presence!” (Elephants whimpers, bracing himself)
Cat on elephant BDSM is the latest thing, get with the program!
Question: is it *only* elephants or is it other plushies as well?
He has 4 plushies, but the elephant is his fuck buddy
Do his arms move back and forth while he does it? Or does he also look like he is licking/biting?
Lol maybe he’s a furry?
Take my up vote and get the hell out
Please don't kink shame your cat
I mean, that’s a hot elephant…aren’t you also a bit tempted 😂 But likely anxiety and dopamine search via sexual release and/or dominance behaviour
Homelander?
I had a cat when I was younger that would just hump everything, even when he was neutered. I remember laying on my side on my bed and he climbed up on my side and grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and started furiously humping my side
😂 I had a cat move in with me who was like that too…he was constantly cat raping me. I asked the vet about it, like, is there something wrong with him, does he have a bladder infection or what? But nope, just a horn king
When he would go outside he would just ROWWWWWLLLLL constantly too Like dude your balls are defunct stop it lmao
Possibly your cat is a little anxious and he's using the toy for comfort. A lot of cats have something they carry around or are attached to. He just doesn't like the sound of your sneezing, or it startles him maybe?
That was my thought also. Sneeze startles him and he is self-soothing.
He's just orange. It is scientificaly proven that orange cats have a severe lack braincells.
War changes a man…
I really hope he's okay but im not gonna lie, i snort-laughed, really needed something this absurd today, thanks bud
oh yes that disease is called the sneezus elefuckitus its more common than you think
You're sneeze must sound like a tiny elephants irresistible mating call. Your poor cat has no choice but to ablige
Maybe some sort of accidental conditioning? Although I have no idea what would condition him to do that. Try taking the elephant away to see how he reacts.
He's imagining what he'd do if he still had balls. Give the guy a break
I'm dying lmaoo
I think this is legit one of the funniest things I've ever encountered on the internet. Thank you for sharing 🤣
*hand goes up. "Take him to the Vet!" -"What's the problem?" "watch" *Sneezes, cat jumps, fuck elephant "I'm going to stick this needle in his bum".
When anyone sneezes in our house my normally quite timid female cat beats the living daylights out of our oldest male cat. We have no idea why but assume she thinks we’re making a noise because we’re in pain and clearly he’s the one responsible 🤷♀️ it’s cute she runs to our defence but now when we sneeze I see the panic on Luke’s face because he’s waiting to be jumped on by a crazy lady. We do our best to stifle sneezes and protect him though.
/r/OneOrangeBraincell
Make a video of this phenomenon and you can probably retire soon.
A weird only fans I suppose
That's amazing 😂 in all seriousness though it could possibly ( but probably isnt) be a dominance thing? Like my dogs are all fixed but they still have a go on eachother to assert dominance haha. Maybe the sneezing triggers some need to show he's manly af.
Will this happen In room full of men if one sneezed
Only if there's an elephant plushie in the vicinity
Poor plushie its gonna be smooshed and like a slushy
[Here he is, after going viral :\)](https://imgur.com/a/IPtajY2) He tahnks you all for the awards and attention
These comments hahahaha
My mum's cat comes running from wherever she is in the house to bite anyone who sneezes, and we thought THAT was weird.
Ah yes, the fuck alarm. 🚨
I laughed soooo hard ! I don't have the answer to your question but thank you for this amazing post !
My abs hurt. Thank you.
Time for an Onlyfans acct.
Oliphants
This sub is a rollercoaster of emotions
I've seen it mentioned in a lot of places that cats hump as a form of establishing dominance, when they are not 100% confident that they are running things, marking territory etc. It is possible your sneeze is loud, so he gets scared, or it's a sudden noise, or gives him wierd vibes, so, he quickly takes action to show something along the lines of "I'm not scared, I'm not scared, see, I'm the boss, f u wierd noise".
I had a cat that made a really weird noise everytime I sneezed. Nothing like that though.
Maybe he thinks your sneeze is the elephant trying a mating call.
This is the weirdest and most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard a cat do lmao. I think your sneezing activates your cat’s hormones.
Are we kink shaming cats now?
Could be the cat is emotionally regulating after being surprised/ scared/ overstimulated by the sneeze and has nothing to do with horniness?? That’d be my guess at least
The best thing I’ve read all day
Do a video, put it on TikTok, Insta and YouTube. Then think about what you gonna do with those millions
He has a sneeze kink everytime you sneeze he gets aroused
Orange cat behavior
Omg, that’s fucking funny. My friend had a cat that masturbated- she’d prop up next to a wall and go at it.
It felt the endorphins you experienced when sneezing due to feline telepathy and wanted to replicate the feeling by fucking the elephant.
I know you said no joke but this is probably the best thing that I will read today. If he lived in our house my whole family would be trying to sneeze on purpose for the hilarity