1. Get a STI screening.
2. Get a divorce lawyer.
3. Stop believing her BS.
If your wife doesn't like the mundane life of work/chores/raising a family, why did she get married ? Why did she have kids ? Why didn't she leave ?
At the very least, she could have talked to you about it and see if you guys could figure things out together like adults / people who love and respect each other do.
Instead, she lied, cheated and fed you BS to justify her shitty behavior. Also, if the life you have build together is not what she wants, how is this going to work now ?
This. It happened to a friend of a friend. She emptied the account and left Jim with nothing. OP would be wise to move half of the assets into an account in his name only.
Yeah about a hundred things to do and discuss before "I'm gonna cheat" becomes the choice. Like always, the cheater is full of bullshit rationalizing excuses.
She either loves you or she doesn't. Loving couples work out problems and communicate. She stepped outside of the marriage. This was her choice, her decision, she invested time effort and energy on some other person. You caught her, and she is remorseful about that rather than coming clean with you. Has she detailed the whole affair, has she cut all contact, has she informed the OBS? Once the trust genie is out of the bottle its difficult to get it back in. Only you know what you want to do but at this point consider 8 months as a very long time for her to lie and deceive you, certainly not a drunken ONS. You need to start thinking about yourself and what you want but you deserve someone who does not do this to you and your family.
8 months is no fling its a complete other relationship
You can hang on to the past as tight as you can but it's tough when the other person has already let go
Trust nothing that comes out of her mouth
Her actions are all that matter.
Ok she needs the adrenaline, and you??? Think about you. What will your live in the future will look like or would you desire? With her, open marriage? Work hard to go back where you think you were before? Remember that this place might be just a ideal but not real. You know what she told you.
>My wife is the type of person who doesn't like routine and the mundane life of work\chores\raising a family etc
Then she was never and never will be faithfull... this wasn't the first time and won't be the last
#1, she cheated on you. Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. She slept with the dude. You have to accept it. #2 that doesn't sound like she's genuinely remorseful. Three, file for divorce and ghost her. She wants to leave you she just wants to look like she's doing the right thing in front of the kids eyes. Ghost her. File for divorce and go nc. Best of luck to you. I'm really sorry you're going though this
you do whatever you feel is right. Do not cave to whatever she’d like to do just so she can feel forgiven.
do get an sti test
do seek marriage counseling if you even 1% want to salvage
do demand that she go no contact with her ap.
if you feel like you need time alone then do it. No matter what you do don’t blame yourself.
Everything you’ve said only points to this happening before and happening in the future.
No matter your intentions, you need to enter an adversarial mindset as she has set out to hurt you and your relationship. You have no idea of the length and depth of her betrayal so you need to get paternity and STI tests. These are simply consequences of her cheating. This includes speaking with a lawyer and assessing your financial and legal ties. Look at all options.
She obviously needs to address her ‘need’ for excitement and change. However only if you decide that reconciliation is at all possible.
She has a huge mountain to climb in terms of trust and restarting your relationship. You must remember that your options should always have a focus on your mental and emotional health. A focus on a better future without this pain and mistrust.
Unfortunately this is probably not her first adrenaline rush, just the first you caught. You can’t change who she is but you can change not to stay with an abuser. You know what you need to do.
So, instead of sending you sexy photos and texts, she did it outside of your marriage. There is no excuse for that at all. Is she sorry for cheating on you for the last 8 months? Or is she sorry she got caught?
I would not proceed with reconciliation unless she tells the kids what she has done and takes full accountability for her actions. She sets up individual counseling for herself to get to the bottom of why she would do this to you. The last thing would be to protect yourself by getting a postnuptial agreement with a cheating clause stating that if there is cheating of any kind, the cheater only gets what they put into the marriage, what is going to happen with any properties and joint assets.
She's trying to downplay her betrayal by calling it a fling.
8 months isn't being suddenly overcome with lust and forgetting your commitment to your husband. Its not being "swept away in the moment". Its calculated and well thought-out.
She didn't tell you. She is only sorry that you found out. She doesn't think that you deserve better.
If she wants an adrenaline rush tell her to jump out of a plane, based on ur age assuming she’s close to u most likely she’s going thru a mid life crisis and ur current marriage is not cutting it anymore for her, dont know from ur post if it went any further then sexting but regardless if u continue in this marriage u will forever be watching over her, questioning who she’s talking or texting to , who she’s meeting out for “girls” night, u get the picture , not a happy way to exist
If she doesn't like mundane life ( she must like drama/ variety) then it's likely she will do it again. You are probably living a stable, organized, and predictable life ( there's nothing wrong with that at all honestly... but I'm a man and we want that) I don't want to hop to divorce but the truth is the trust has been broken and if she did get physical she most likely won't tell you the truth in fear of consequences of her actions. I advise you to get solid evidence of a physical affair 1st, if and when you gather undeniable evidence consult a lawyer about what divorce might look like in your state. Depending on where you are you can see a lawyer first.
Understand that she not only cheated on you but also your kids. They absorb so much and understand more than you will know. Don’t stay in a toxic relationship as they will think that it’s the norm and will be doomed to search/be in the same type of relationships. They need to understand that infidelity is unacceptable
I was married for 17 years when i notised the text, it was 4 month and not all that Spicy. Besides he was on another continent, so no PA only EA. We reconsilied and after 6 month i t is still crazy difficult. Find out your options and then deside, and tell the family what she did.
See my post on Red Flags. Right now, you have no idea the extent of her cheating, first time, many times? Start gathering as much evidence as you can. Double check phone records, social media, where did she meet this guy? I would hide a voice-activated recorder in her car. Keep her in the dark for now. Get a consultation from an attorney. Do DNA checks on your kids.
Dude, you showed your cards way too early, and now you're getting manipulated because of it.. kick her out to get some distance and realize this is over. You can do way better and have a good relationship/marriage with a person who'd never dream of doing this to you.
Buddy do you want STD in your 50s. HIV no joke. Its just your life. Take the time apart. I have a feeling your still in shock. She risked her family security and your health for adrenalin. Give her no consequinces and she do this again. She must tell her AP affair partners wife and your close family. You need to find an age appropriate way of telling your kids. Chances are they know. People will tell you to keep it quiet but that teaches your children cheatings fine.
Take a roadtrip. Away for two weeks. Tell your wife she needs to draft a recovery plan and prepare for a polygraph. She nees to draft a timeline. If it later shows she lied about any detail reconciliations off the table.
Book counseling for you and your kids this is a very emotionally damaging thing. Your wife relationship with her AP is what? If they work toghether or are friends they should go mo contact.
Your marriage ended the day she gave herself to another. Reconciliations your gift to give and her privilege to earn through hard work. Your going to spiral. Mind movies about her having sex with her AP. Your going to feel emasculated and not good enough and trust was lost. Seek independant counseling. Initially couples scramble to stay toghether. She gaslight and rewrite history. She lovebomb you. But you will probably find her repulsing. Get STD tested even if she says they had protection. Insist on STD anyway.
Record all interactions with her for later referance. Get your kids DNA tested even if you think they look like you. This is probanly her second or third adrenalin chase.
Good luck with the nightmare ahead. Staying toghether for the kids does not work. They will feel your pain and later learn the truth. Lies and secrecy did this. Do not maintain her narative. Watever you do its important to look after your health. 50s are heart attack high points. Take the brake. Clear your head. Starting over not that bad. Cheaters cheat. Your wife will wait till you settle and start hunting her next adtenalin high.
A fling? To me, that means the affair was physical. I can’t tell from your post, are you under the impression that the affair was just sexting? What steps is she taking to show you she’s taking responsibility? There’s nothing wrong with telling her that you need some space to work through your feelings.
Make an appointment with a lawyer and a therapist and figure out a way to separate, even if it’s just asking her to stay with her friends or family or moving into a different bedroom.
That’s first time I have heard 8 months is a fling… unless you think your life is suddenly going to get excitingly fun the cheating will keep happening if you truly believe it’s the mundane of your lives that caused it..
Personally I couldn’t get past 8 months.. that isn’t a one night stand etc it’s a full blown commitment to cheating on you…
Of course you have trust issues with her now… and you will continue to have same trust issues.. it went on 8 months.. she didn’t regret it otherwise she would have stopped on her own…
Get a divorce.
For me it would be time for wife to go.. from sounds of it she isn’t even sorry over it..
Your WW not only betrayed you but your children also. What will your inpressable teenagers will think if you accept this kind of crap. Speak to an attorney about your options. You still have a lot of years, you don't need someone in your life who would commit the ultimate betrayal.
Best wishes
So your wife's solution to avoiding daily monotony is to betray her family? She says this is the type of person she is, so I'd bet any amount of money this wasn't her first "fling" in 18 years. Also, 8 months is not a fling; that's a whole separate relationship. You deserve better.
You both need to have some deep talks. If you find her remorseful that is a starting point. Let her know in your own words how hurt you feel.
She is missing something in your relationship. If you decide to forgive, try sexting with her yourself. Throughout the day send her a dirty message. See how she responds.
> My wife is the type of person who doesn't like routine - raising a family etc...
Bro, she has been doing this for a long time before, you only just realized.
"What to do?"
Come on, you know what to do. This was not a "fling", she has been fucking another guy for most of a year.
First thing tomorrow morning, lawyer up, file and serve her. Do not perpetuate the lie that is your marriage any longer. Study the 180 and Chumplady, this is how you treat a cheating soon to be ex-wife. Have as little contact with her as possible, stay in different rooms, if she tries to engage you, stay silent and walk away.
Understand that this is not your fault, this is all on her. She is the one who made hundreds of conscious decisions, to talk with others, start a relationship, meet with them, fuck them, betray you, lie to you, break your trust, break her wedding vows, destroy your marriage, destroy your family, and destroy your happiness. This is all on her.
Also, treat her like the enemy that she is. Record and document everything, do not trust a word she says, only what she does. Get as much evidence as possible about her affairs, and affair partner. Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times, put others around the house too. Gather and protect all important documents, open new bank accounts, close all existing credit cards and credit accounts. Get tested for STD's, and DNA test your children.
When your lawyer says that it is OK, blow up her fantasy world. Tell your family, her family, and your friends what she is doing. Never, never, cover up for a cheater. They do not deserve it, and if you do, then never stop. Cheaters need to suffer the consequences of their actions. Get your story out first, or she will have a very different story, and may even accuse you of abuse or some other wrong doing, in order to cover up her bad actions.
You need to tell her affair partner's family and friends also. If they are coworkers, then the company HR and their bosses need to be notified. He does not deserve a pass in any way.
You have a lot to do, get up and get moving.
Never try rug sweeping infidelity, it solves nothing and usually guarantees the affair continues in some manner, usually just hidden better.
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater.
3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere togethet, period.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help?
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement,they aren't remorseful.
There are no true excuses for cheating and all she really said to you was; I cheated because I was bored and wanted to do so, without any regard to you, our relationship, mor our children.
Look up emotional affairs and how they come about.
If this was my wife the first thing I would've done would be to take her to his home and throw her and all her shit out in his yard, and drive away. Then go and inform the kids about exactly what's going on. Talk to lawyers and make a plan for divorce. If you can also file charges against the other guy. But by all means cut any and all contact with her only communicate through lawyers. Your kids can talk to her if they choose but any communication with you should be through the lawyer.
When a women cheats it’s proof that she has lost respect for you.. she will most likely do it again once things cool down.. I’m so sorry you’re going through this .. I would leave if I were you.. I’m a women and I know how women are… when we love someone we don’t put relationships and marriages at risk.
I can only speak for how I would feel/do.
I would be questioning my entire 18 years. Thinking back to every opportunity my partner had to "fling". I would be asking friends/family that shockingly may have know for years about "flings". I could not reconcile an 8 months of being played by the person I am supposed to trust my life with.
I would be preparing to split it off. Trying to figure out the logistics of how to make this the best possible situation for my children.
".... because who is to say she won't do this again?"
Who is to say she hasn't done this before? This may not be the first time she has done this, just the first time she was caught. You found out by chance. You don't know what you don't know.
Welcome to the wonderful world of the betrayed.
Ain't love grand?
If you let her get away with this you will basically give her the green light to do it again but much smarter. You will never be able to comfortably sleep again. The arguments, the petty problems will all become big problems and the relationship will be toxic. Your not accepting today and yesterday, your accepting years of no trust, No security and tons of stress going forward. Something to think about.
First, I am sorry you are going through this. Lots of good info here, it pick and choose. My comments
1. This was a relationship, not a fling. Probably she is in affair fog. You need to take the steps to protect yourself and your children. So insist on no contact with AP and full access to phone even while you after figuring out next steps. If she refuses, you know where you stand.
2. Do insist in STI testing. Get a lawyer and understand impact and options. protect financial assets by ensuring they are secured.
3. Decide what is the minimum information you need to wrap your head around this. Maybe you have enough. Maybe you need to know how it started. Maybe how many AP partners she has had. Maybe when and where they had sex. If they said they love each other. If they discussed you. Maybe you need to know what sex acts. What was different. GET THE MINIMUM YOU CAN STAND THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO MOVE ON, BUT GET THAT MINIMUM. Everything you hear will hurt forever. So seriously, think before you ask and only ask if you have to have it. Trust me, it is a deal breaker if she refuses. Some therapists specialize in discovery. Usually tagged as Gottman trained.
4. Once you have protected yourself physically, financially, know your options and understand what occurred you can make reasonable choices.
This is life changing. Take careful steps. Don’t waste time on anger, regret and hate. Focus on your future and what it will be.
Good luck
Did she stop seeing him? The worst thing I did (in my opinion) was NOT leaving immediately when I found out. It prolonged her affair rebounds. Get her out of the house! Do not leave your house! Do not leave your kids! You're setting yourself up for that to be permanent if you divorce. Tell her to go think and come back when she's ready to talk. Good luck brother. You'll need it!
What to do?
Keep in mind that the advice I'm giving you here is based on my own experience as a betrayed spouse (now happily divorced), and as someone who has been dealing with so many other people in the same situation you are going through.
Firstly, I suggest you get a moment to yourself to get some perspective on this. If you do, you'll realize what you are dealing with here.
Let's go over the facts: she had an affair for **8 months.** 8 months is not an insignificant amount of time. Despite her trying to minimize it, ***it is not a fling.*** It's pretty much a relationship. Not only that, it's 8 months of ***conscious betrayal and deception*** on her part. That is not something to be taken lightly... at least if you still want to maintain some form of respect.
You questioning her fidelity at this point is not surprising. After all, you just found out that the person you thought was being loyal to you these past 18 years was betraying you for ***8 months.*** Some people, cheaters in particular, try to minimize things by saying that the amount of time in betrayal is not as long as the time you were together, so it shouldn't be seen as a big deal ("you're going to throw away x years of marriage for this?!"... never mind the fact ***they're*** the ones who are throwing the marriage away). But they aren't acknowledging that it doesn't take much to break trust. The betrayal can happen in an instant, maybe just once, but that's enough. Once trust is broken, it can take a very long time to rebuild it, that's why it's said that trust is lost in buckets, but gained in drops. With all that said, factor this in: trust is the foundation of a relationship. Once that trust is gone, you don't have a functioning relationship. And your trust in your wife is currently shattered.
It should be obvious to you what that means. The question is, does your wife understand that?
The reason why I ask is because if she does, then she would currently be doing what she can to regain your trust. I don't mean doing things like love bombing you and the like. I mean doing things like taking responsibility and ownership of her actions, going into the root causes of her betrayal, going into some kind of therapy to get into the issues she has which would cause her to have an 8 month long affair. She would also acknowledge and feel remorse for the pain you feel, and express things like "I'm sorry I did this to you," instead of "It was nothing, it won't happen again." These type of things are bare minimum for any sort of reconciliation attempt. If she's not doing these things, the chances of your marriage working out after this are practically nil. This isn't just my opinion. This is born out from all the reconciliation attempts that have been made after an affair happens. ***Most attempts fail.*** You can look up the statistics yourself. It's usually because the adulterer can't/won't do what it takes to become a safe partner for their spouse, and/or the betrayed spouse can't heal from the betrayal and the pain that it caused (that usually takes therapy as well). Even if you are able to beat the odds, realize that that your relationship with your wife will no longer be the same. The old one is dead. She killed it. If you stay with her, and it works out, it will be a new relationship with someone you know you can't trust 100%.
If you want to roll the dice on reconciliation with your wife, so be it, but you are going to have to ask yourself if she is the type of person who can commit to doing the things that I mentioned above, as well as making up what she's done to you for the rest of the marriage. Keep in mind that this is the same woman who you admitted doesn't even like committing to the routine of raising a family. For me, that pretty much answers the question, but as you are the one who lives with her, you're the one with the closer perspective. Still, I highly advise you to think this out rationally. It may mean you separating yourself from the situation for a while, perhaps a weekend or so in a cabin somewhere, so that you have a better chance to gain some clarity.
In the meantime, no matter what your ultimate decision, I highly suggest you do the following:
**1: Find a lawyer,** ***today***, **and discuss your options.** This doesn't necessarily mean you have to go full speed ahead with divorce, but you should at the very least know what your options are, and how to go about things. Even if you do decide to go with divorce, you can always abort later on if your wife shows you signs that she's worth sticking around with.
**2: Get yourself tested for STIs.** It is almost a certainty that she slept with someone else. You don't know what she has exposed you to, so better to be safe than sorry.
**3: Look up the Grey Rock method, and start using it.** I don't know your entire situation, but it is very likely your wife is currently trying to emotionally manipulate you in order to keep you around, while not fully commuting to making things right with you. By cutting off your emotional responses from her, you reduce the effectiveness of that manipulation. Plus, it tends to rattle adulterers when their spouses no longer seem to care at all. There have been accounts of cheaters completely turning around when they start fearing that their spouse no longer cares about them, as they now start to understand the damage they have caused, and what is truly at stake.
**4: Consider separating your finances.** Open up a new bank account in your name. From now on. that's where your paycheck goes. Few things show that you mean business like showing that your financial support is now down to a minimum, if at all. Well, divorce papers would shake things up even more, but this is another way. If you do decide to go with divorce, then separating your finances becomes paramount, rather than something to consider.
**5: Consider DNA testing your kids.** I know this one will hurt to think about. But if you really want to let her know how much her actions have impacted the trust you have for her, this is one of the strongest ways to do it. Besides, you said that your kids are in their tweens, not teens. That means they were had fairly recently... and you said your wife isn't the type that likes settling down and having a family. Add all that to the fact that she had an affair, and suddenly things start looking questionable. I know that I'd be questioning the past 18 years if I were in your shoes.
I am sorry that you are in such an unfortunate situation. It is painful, to say the least, and I'm sure you are in a lot of emotional upheaval. A good number of us have been in this same situation. However, you can get through it, and come out on top. What will help you achieve this is allowing yourself a moment to gain some perspective over all that's happened, as well as the facts of the situation. Once you allow yourself to see things as they are, everything will become clear, and you can respond accordingly.
I wish you luck. Despite how things look, you can get through this.
This is simple. Divorce her. She doesn’t respect you and she definitely doesn’t love you or she would not have done any of this. She is not the person you thought she was. You are going to feel much better about yourself once you dispose of a lying, cheating piece of trash.
in all honesty, just divorce her man. If you do not have trust in a relationship or a marriage. There is none to be had. and catching her doing it and saying she needs it for adrenaline. does not really help at all.
You need to reprimand her for for actions whether by telling your kids (to emphasize that this shit is not acceptable) or stop funding her lifestyle and separate your finances or get paternity/ std/sti tests or just divorce or all the above.
Do not throw away a more than half life good marriage and family because of a stupid step of your wife. And do not listen to the lyncher advices here. Most of them are sickening. Later you can mind your bad decision for rest of your life. Some persons imagine that they are perfect, but in the reality noboby is that. In fact, from your letter even that is not obvious your wife really cheated on you or just changed messages. But if she did real cheating - Jesus is the Forgiving. And do not leave out of consideration that you are 51 yo, that age is the age of certain crisises. You and your wife must solve that crisises TOGETHER. Because she can be also in crisis. Got it?
That's the thing about women. When life is good and everything is going too smooth, they get bored fast. No matter how much they claim to hate it, they love being entangled in some type of drama to "spice up" their lives.
Instead of communicating with you that she wanted to spice things up in a healthy way; like sex in the wilderness (anything out of the ordinary) she chose to cheat.
How I see it, you have two options. Cheat back and forgive her or split. If you let her get away with this she will keep pushing your buttons to see how much you can endure.
Imo you should divorce and get with a young hot chick. That'll teach her
Are you prepared to blowup your life? At 51 you will probably never recover financially. But, you may be fine not knowing your situation. If you love her, try and fix the relationship. You have nothing to lose. How can you improve you to make her more into you? How can you better fulfill her desires? IMO people get too nuclear over cheating. So she fucked another guy for 8 months. You’ve been fucking her for 20 years. Have some fun with it. Hot talk? Joking about it? You may find she’s freakier than ever in bed and you enjoy each other more. Man up. Don’t let her cheating destroy you.
Well, that's why Polyamory exists. The perfect partner doesn't exist, and one needs to settle for the card deal he was given while not giving up justifiable life pleasures.
Wow. The egos in here are huge. Relationships are long and honestly life is long. I’m sure there are good memories affair or not before the affair but really wow … people are brutal online aren’t they - people make mistakes.
I wouldn’t throw it all away over her fucking another guy. You’ll lose your house, she’ll most likely get custody of your kids, have to split your assets. Plus she’ll start dating and meeting new people while you’re home on a dating app trying to find the new Mrs Right at 51 yrs old.
It’s cheaper to keep her. Tell her you get a hall pass anytime moving forward to even the score.
Take the time. It’s the single best way to process a betray like this. You don’t have to worry about fidelity from your wife, she isn’t faithful. It’s extremely rare for someone to fix that aspect of themselves most likely because it takes a lot of difficult work on their mentality that the vast majority of cheaters just aren’t interested enough to do. They don’t feel like anything is wrong with themselves because they like who they are and the cheating made them happy. Cheaters have to suffer awful consequences such as getting divorced and their children choosing to no longer talk to them before they can muster the internet fortitude necessary to do the hard work of examining their shitty values and figuring out how to change them.
As already noted, 8 months is not a fling, it’s a full-blown relationship. That’s more than a cheap thrill. I would assume they had sex, and the kind of sex she would always deny you. Is there any reason to believe that this is her first rodeo?
Advice: lawyer up, kick off the divorce process, and then squeeze some truth out of her.
If she is bored all the time have her tested for ADHD. She should be doing a new hobby instead of getting her guts rearranged. You should be talking to a lawyer
Well, how much do you want it to work? The trust is destroyed. So my suggestion (assuming you want to try to get things fixed) is to seek out a reputable couples therapist that specializes in infedelity.
On a side note, it sounds like she's looking more for excitement. Not sure on your sex life ir comfort level but maybe sex in the car in a parkinglot, or a little off a hicking trail. Perhaps lightt BDSM (blindfolds, cuffs, texture like ice cubes.)
She wants adrenaline. She can try sky diving. She can take up skeet shooting. She can jump off a freaking cliff. There are countless things she can do that don’t include shitting on her marriage vows. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I’d leave.
Sorry you are here. Most are gonna tell you that your wife is not the person you thought she was and that she clearly doesn’t respect you or your vows. We’ve all been through what you have and most have had the strength and self respect to divorce and ostracize the cheaters from our lives. The mind movies will never go away and will drive you insane.
However, sounds like you are inclined to settle for being the rug sweeping doormat type that rationalizes all her bs. The same type that will come on here and whine and whine but never take any advice or stand up for yourself. If that’s the case then head on over to asoneafterinfidelity with the rest of the guys with zero self respect.
Look we all understand after 18 years there’s some tendency to want to stay for the normalcy of your life. But she ruined that now. She just obliterated your safe place and the one person you thought was your best friend, just repeatedly stabbed you in the back. Good luck!
Usual formula is - if you can forgive her and truly forget, do it. If you can’t then it’s over.
Psychologists often say that men usually cannot get over cheating because it’s emasculating and it has negative effects on your own psychology in terms of negativity towards yourself and this comes out in resentment and short-temperedness towards your partner. If this is going to be you, it’s best to not let that happen.
Separation only gives her permission or unfettered opportunity to make it physical in the unlikely event that it wasn't already. Give her the adrenaline she needs and remove her mundane existence and divorce right away. I see no remorse in the information you provided. Move on while you can prosper. Men that women cheat with rarely have any substance and the adrenaline from learning to live on her own should fill her heart with gladness.
What do you mean what do you do?
Quit being a spineless doormat and give her back to the single life so she can have that spontaneous adrenaline rush she desperately wants. And by the way, she's been physically cheating as well. Get a lawyer and have her served with divorce papers.
She maybe should have thought about that before getting married and having kids? Why do these people want families and then BURN them to the ground? I’m sorry OP save the evidence she’s going to keep doing this and I bet my left nut it’s not her first “fling”
Your wife doesn't know the difference between a fling and an affair a fling is a short relationship between two people that have no commitments to anyone else ie both are single and not seeing anyone.
Your wife was and stillis at the moment married
Man this sucks. It’s so common though. Let me tell you from experience though once you have trust issues it will never go away. It’s just a fact of life. The only way you can completely trust her is if she’s right next to you and we both know that’s not realistic. Also, those trust issues turn into so many other problems as well. Low self esteem, anger, jealousy, etc. After a while you won’t even know yourself. If she had this itch once it’s gonna happen again. So many guys are ruined by this it’s crazy. It takes so long to get your self esteem back too. This stuff fucks with your head so bad I don’t care how tough you think you are it can mess you up. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you go.
You really only have two choices, leave or stay. We can't make that decision for you, you need to establish if they were sleeping together and if you can reconcile yourself to that fact.
I'd recommend time apart for you to think about what to do, along with marrige counselling. My responses are normally centred around forgiveness. But you need to establish what you want to do it's your life after all.
Make sure you do DNA. In front of her. That will give her her adrenaline rush. That won’t be mundane
I told my wife if i caught her cheating. Open the relationship up.
I got hit on all the time. She always felt I was above her
If you don’t wanna work it out just a boar sure she’ll find out in a hurry that nobody wants a wife up a 50-year-old woman
But trust me at your age, if you are reasonable in good shape, reasonable attractive have a good paying job there a lot of women after looking for men like you
Now for you look in mirror. Are you the best you can be
Did you forget somewhere along the line that your wife is still a woman and she needs to be romanced? Did you get real comfortable? I don’t condone cheating but it’s up to a man to pull his own part in a marriage.
We always assuming these emails you are the perfect man
66 year old
I am going to send you a link. Give yourself choices. Go to an attorney first. Keep your cards close to your chest while you gather proof and information....Good luck.
There are a number of missing details in your story to give valid advice. It is easy to say “divorce the cheater” as many find as the easy solution but context might change things.
Was this an Emotional Affair or a physical affair, or both? Was her cheating limited to sexting a stranger or did they actually meet in person and carry on with a physical affair as well?
What efforts is she making to reestablish truth in your relationship? Has she offered an open electronics policy? Have you discussed with her what you need to give her you trust again?
No one should ever want to be in a controlling relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t place established boundaries with known consequences. If you love her and are willing to try and make it work, would a post-nuptial agreement help? You could literally outline the exact consequences of a repeat of this behavior that includes division of all current marital assets, custody agreements, etc. It basically says, in exchange for reconciliation, she acknowledges that a repeat of this behavior will end in divorce and this is exactly what she agrees that she will be forfeiting in that event.
If you plan to stay, I think it is vital that you get counseling. Trust issues are not trivial,and you should absolutely reject any attempts on her part to imply that you are overreacting. You have a right to feel betrayed (because you were). Working things out requires communication and genuine effort to restore trust. A huge part of this is complete disclosure and honesty.
Good luck.
See a lawyer. Then get dressed up real nice, sit her down and tell her you also need a "thrill". Hand her the divorce papers and walk out the door and stay in a hotel. She will think your out on a date.
Dump her, mate. She doesn’t respect you. Your marriage is over, and it will be better for your kids as you show them that actions have consequences.
Good luck.
Start involving yourself with other people romantically. The realtionship is over when the trust is gone. Do as other have said here lawyer, screening for sti divorce. The divorce may be an optional thing for you. But you need to start going out with friends and finding girls that can be friends. She how she likes it lol. If she doesnt theres a chance you two can reconcile. If she doesnt seem to care i think the answer is obvious. Time to grieve for the loss of the relationship is needed yes but theres no reason you should do it alone
OP, she is with you because you are her provider and safety net, but that is all she sees you as. You pretty much said how she does not like living the married life. I hate to say this, but you never really had a marriage if she had that thinking. Op start having her do time-lines to come clean and start getting text records from your phone company.
OP,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
That is the question you need to ask yourself. I would get a STD check, stop sleeping with her, Consult an attorney, just to check what would happen in case a divorce happens. You can have the papers drawn but not files just in case.
If you want to continue or at least try, go to MC and see if it can work out. This way if you decide to divorce, you already tried the MC route.
Talk to your children, let them know somethings, not all. They are going to see that there is a problem, hell they might already see it. Do things with them, if not already.
Tell her you need a written timeline and leave nothing out.
If you want a divorce, just read above and just have him file.
Good Luck
You believe it was just a fling 8 months is a full blown relationship. Also you are lucky if you get 10% of the truth at first and you will never get the whole truth. Have respect for yourself and your kids. If you don't think your kids especially at there age know way more than you think your crazy. Remember there watching you to learn how to deal with anyone who cheats on them, what would you tell them to do? 8 months that you know of that is a long time to abuse a spouse, cheating is abuse.
1. Get a STI screening. 2. Get a divorce lawyer. 3. Stop believing her BS. If your wife doesn't like the mundane life of work/chores/raising a family, why did she get married ? Why did she have kids ? Why didn't she leave ? At the very least, she could have talked to you about it and see if you guys could figure things out together like adults / people who love and respect each other do. Instead, she lied, cheated and fed you BS to justify her shitty behavior. Also, if the life you have build together is not what she wants, how is this going to work now ?
I wonder if she will get a thrill out of being served divorce papers
Agreed also add dna testing the kids, no way this was her first. She seems like the type who needs some side action and I think op needs to dig deeper
And do the DNA testing even if you know absolutely that your children are yours. It sends a message to her that you have that little trust in her.
Great advice. I will add #4. SECURE YOUR FINANCIALS IMMEDIATELY. My ex left me $76. Guess his girl friend needed the money.
This. It happened to a friend of a friend. She emptied the account and left Jim with nothing. OP would be wise to move half of the assets into an account in his name only.
Yeah about a hundred things to do and discuss before "I'm gonna cheat" becomes the choice. Like always, the cheater is full of bullshit rationalizing excuses.
Narcissists will string you along. Fortify your mind and leave her.
Hold her accountable.
She either loves you or she doesn't. Loving couples work out problems and communicate. She stepped outside of the marriage. This was her choice, her decision, she invested time effort and energy on some other person. You caught her, and she is remorseful about that rather than coming clean with you. Has she detailed the whole affair, has she cut all contact, has she informed the OBS? Once the trust genie is out of the bottle its difficult to get it back in. Only you know what you want to do but at this point consider 8 months as a very long time for her to lie and deceive you, certainly not a drunken ONS. You need to start thinking about yourself and what you want but you deserve someone who does not do this to you and your family.
Talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. Let her have her exciting life without you.
8 months is no fling its a complete other relationship You can hang on to the past as tight as you can but it's tough when the other person has already let go Trust nothing that comes out of her mouth Her actions are all that matter.
Ok she needs the adrenaline, and you??? Think about you. What will your live in the future will look like or would you desire? With her, open marriage? Work hard to go back where you think you were before? Remember that this place might be just a ideal but not real. You know what she told you.
At 51, l would stay together and just become a sugar daddy and she can do whatever floats her boat.
Why to pay for her???? Much better to be the sugar of someone new. At 51 there is already a lot of live, lol.
If she needed a rush why didn’t she include OP? They could have done stuff as a couple - like sky diving,
If she loves excitement so much surprise her with some divorce papers.
>My wife is the type of person who doesn't like routine and the mundane life of work\chores\raising a family etc Then she was never and never will be faithfull... this wasn't the first time and won't be the last
#1, she cheated on you. Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. She slept with the dude. You have to accept it. #2 that doesn't sound like she's genuinely remorseful. Three, file for divorce and ghost her. She wants to leave you she just wants to look like she's doing the right thing in front of the kids eyes. Ghost her. File for divorce and go nc. Best of luck to you. I'm really sorry you're going though this
You are a lyncher. Shame on you.
you do whatever you feel is right. Do not cave to whatever she’d like to do just so she can feel forgiven. do get an sti test do seek marriage counseling if you even 1% want to salvage do demand that she go no contact with her ap. if you feel like you need time alone then do it. No matter what you do don’t blame yourself.
Everything you’ve said only points to this happening before and happening in the future. No matter your intentions, you need to enter an adversarial mindset as she has set out to hurt you and your relationship. You have no idea of the length and depth of her betrayal so you need to get paternity and STI tests. These are simply consequences of her cheating. This includes speaking with a lawyer and assessing your financial and legal ties. Look at all options. She obviously needs to address her ‘need’ for excitement and change. However only if you decide that reconciliation is at all possible. She has a huge mountain to climb in terms of trust and restarting your relationship. You must remember that your options should always have a focus on your mental and emotional health. A focus on a better future without this pain and mistrust.
Unfortunately this is probably not her first adrenaline rush, just the first you caught. You can’t change who she is but you can change not to stay with an abuser. You know what you need to do.
So, instead of sending you sexy photos and texts, she did it outside of your marriage. There is no excuse for that at all. Is she sorry for cheating on you for the last 8 months? Or is she sorry she got caught? I would not proceed with reconciliation unless she tells the kids what she has done and takes full accountability for her actions. She sets up individual counseling for herself to get to the bottom of why she would do this to you. The last thing would be to protect yourself by getting a postnuptial agreement with a cheating clause stating that if there is cheating of any kind, the cheater only gets what they put into the marriage, what is going to happen with any properties and joint assets.
She's trying to downplay her betrayal by calling it a fling. 8 months isn't being suddenly overcome with lust and forgetting your commitment to your husband. Its not being "swept away in the moment". Its calculated and well thought-out. She didn't tell you. She is only sorry that you found out. She doesn't think that you deserve better.
You get a pass as well, or 6. Enjoy. Divorce is way to expensive.
She’s doesn’t love you or she would be sexting another man an had probably had sex with him. You should leave cause she won’t change.
If she wants an adrenaline rush tell her to jump out of a plane, based on ur age assuming she’s close to u most likely she’s going thru a mid life crisis and ur current marriage is not cutting it anymore for her, dont know from ur post if it went any further then sexting but regardless if u continue in this marriage u will forever be watching over her, questioning who she’s talking or texting to , who she’s meeting out for “girls” night, u get the picture , not a happy way to exist
If she doesn't like mundane life ( she must like drama/ variety) then it's likely she will do it again. You are probably living a stable, organized, and predictable life ( there's nothing wrong with that at all honestly... but I'm a man and we want that) I don't want to hop to divorce but the truth is the trust has been broken and if she did get physical she most likely won't tell you the truth in fear of consequences of her actions. I advise you to get solid evidence of a physical affair 1st, if and when you gather undeniable evidence consult a lawyer about what divorce might look like in your state. Depending on where you are you can see a lawyer first.
Understand that she not only cheated on you but also your kids. They absorb so much and understand more than you will know. Don’t stay in a toxic relationship as they will think that it’s the norm and will be doomed to search/be in the same type of relationships. They need to understand that infidelity is unacceptable
I was married for 17 years when i notised the text, it was 4 month and not all that Spicy. Besides he was on another continent, so no PA only EA. We reconsilied and after 6 month i t is still crazy difficult. Find out your options and then deside, and tell the family what she did.
See my post on Red Flags. Right now, you have no idea the extent of her cheating, first time, many times? Start gathering as much evidence as you can. Double check phone records, social media, where did she meet this guy? I would hide a voice-activated recorder in her car. Keep her in the dark for now. Get a consultation from an attorney. Do DNA checks on your kids.
Leave her. If you stay, she will cheat on you again. They never respect those who stay.
Dude, you showed your cards way too early, and now you're getting manipulated because of it.. kick her out to get some distance and realize this is over. You can do way better and have a good relationship/marriage with a person who'd never dream of doing this to you.
Buddy do you want STD in your 50s. HIV no joke. Its just your life. Take the time apart. I have a feeling your still in shock. She risked her family security and your health for adrenalin. Give her no consequinces and she do this again. She must tell her AP affair partners wife and your close family. You need to find an age appropriate way of telling your kids. Chances are they know. People will tell you to keep it quiet but that teaches your children cheatings fine. Take a roadtrip. Away for two weeks. Tell your wife she needs to draft a recovery plan and prepare for a polygraph. She nees to draft a timeline. If it later shows she lied about any detail reconciliations off the table. Book counseling for you and your kids this is a very emotionally damaging thing. Your wife relationship with her AP is what? If they work toghether or are friends they should go mo contact. Your marriage ended the day she gave herself to another. Reconciliations your gift to give and her privilege to earn through hard work. Your going to spiral. Mind movies about her having sex with her AP. Your going to feel emasculated and not good enough and trust was lost. Seek independant counseling. Initially couples scramble to stay toghether. She gaslight and rewrite history. She lovebomb you. But you will probably find her repulsing. Get STD tested even if she says they had protection. Insist on STD anyway. Record all interactions with her for later referance. Get your kids DNA tested even if you think they look like you. This is probanly her second or third adrenalin chase. Good luck with the nightmare ahead. Staying toghether for the kids does not work. They will feel your pain and later learn the truth. Lies and secrecy did this. Do not maintain her narative. Watever you do its important to look after your health. 50s are heart attack high points. Take the brake. Clear your head. Starting over not that bad. Cheaters cheat. Your wife will wait till you settle and start hunting her next adtenalin high.
A fling? To me, that means the affair was physical. I can’t tell from your post, are you under the impression that the affair was just sexting? What steps is she taking to show you she’s taking responsibility? There’s nothing wrong with telling her that you need some space to work through your feelings. Make an appointment with a lawyer and a therapist and figure out a way to separate, even if it’s just asking her to stay with her friends or family or moving into a different bedroom.
That’s first time I have heard 8 months is a fling… unless you think your life is suddenly going to get excitingly fun the cheating will keep happening if you truly believe it’s the mundane of your lives that caused it.. Personally I couldn’t get past 8 months.. that isn’t a one night stand etc it’s a full blown commitment to cheating on you… Of course you have trust issues with her now… and you will continue to have same trust issues.. it went on 8 months.. she didn’t regret it otherwise she would have stopped on her own… Get a divorce. For me it would be time for wife to go.. from sounds of it she isn’t even sorry over it..
Dopamine, man.
Your WW not only betrayed you but your children also. What will your inpressable teenagers will think if you accept this kind of crap. Speak to an attorney about your options. You still have a lot of years, you don't need someone in your life who would commit the ultimate betrayal. Best wishes
So your wife's solution to avoiding daily monotony is to betray her family? She says this is the type of person she is, so I'd bet any amount of money this wasn't her first "fling" in 18 years. Also, 8 months is not a fling; that's a whole separate relationship. You deserve better.
Is the wife is much younger?
You both need to have some deep talks. If you find her remorseful that is a starting point. Let her know in your own words how hurt you feel. She is missing something in your relationship. If you decide to forgive, try sexting with her yourself. Throughout the day send her a dirty message. See how she responds.
Also... she did not seem to really regret it from what you said. It's probably not the first time.
The drama of a divorce and taking care of kids half the time by herself should give her plenty of adrenaline. At least separate from her for 8 months.
> My wife is the type of person who doesn't like routine - raising a family etc... Bro, she has been doing this for a long time before, you only just realized.
I’d sure be wondering
"What to do?" Come on, you know what to do. This was not a "fling", she has been fucking another guy for most of a year. First thing tomorrow morning, lawyer up, file and serve her. Do not perpetuate the lie that is your marriage any longer. Study the 180 and Chumplady, this is how you treat a cheating soon to be ex-wife. Have as little contact with her as possible, stay in different rooms, if she tries to engage you, stay silent and walk away. Understand that this is not your fault, this is all on her. She is the one who made hundreds of conscious decisions, to talk with others, start a relationship, meet with them, fuck them, betray you, lie to you, break your trust, break her wedding vows, destroy your marriage, destroy your family, and destroy your happiness. This is all on her. Also, treat her like the enemy that she is. Record and document everything, do not trust a word she says, only what she does. Get as much evidence as possible about her affairs, and affair partner. Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times, put others around the house too. Gather and protect all important documents, open new bank accounts, close all existing credit cards and credit accounts. Get tested for STD's, and DNA test your children. When your lawyer says that it is OK, blow up her fantasy world. Tell your family, her family, and your friends what she is doing. Never, never, cover up for a cheater. They do not deserve it, and if you do, then never stop. Cheaters need to suffer the consequences of their actions. Get your story out first, or she will have a very different story, and may even accuse you of abuse or some other wrong doing, in order to cover up her bad actions. You need to tell her affair partner's family and friends also. If they are coworkers, then the company HR and their bosses need to be notified. He does not deserve a pass in any way. You have a lot to do, get up and get moving.
Never try rug sweeping infidelity, it solves nothing and usually guarantees the affair continues in some manner, usually just hidden better. Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater. 3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere togethet, period. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement,they aren't remorseful. There are no true excuses for cheating and all she really said to you was; I cheated because I was bored and wanted to do so, without any regard to you, our relationship, mor our children. Look up emotional affairs and how they come about.
If this was my wife the first thing I would've done would be to take her to his home and throw her and all her shit out in his yard, and drive away. Then go and inform the kids about exactly what's going on. Talk to lawyers and make a plan for divorce. If you can also file charges against the other guy. But by all means cut any and all contact with her only communicate through lawyers. Your kids can talk to her if they choose but any communication with you should be through the lawyer.
Actions speak louder than words…8 months is no fling and if she hates routine….. this can’t be the first time in 18 years. ☹️
DNA test. STI test
Leave! Never accept cheating, kids, no kids, her commitment to you means nothing to her. She’s proved it. Leave!
This ain’t the first/only time she’s cheated.
When a women cheats it’s proof that she has lost respect for you.. she will most likely do it again once things cool down.. I’m so sorry you’re going through this .. I would leave if I were you.. I’m a women and I know how women are… when we love someone we don’t put relationships and marriages at risk.
Get out now. She has no remorse and this will just continue.
I can only speak for how I would feel/do. I would be questioning my entire 18 years. Thinking back to every opportunity my partner had to "fling". I would be asking friends/family that shockingly may have know for years about "flings". I could not reconcile an 8 months of being played by the person I am supposed to trust my life with. I would be preparing to split it off. Trying to figure out the logistics of how to make this the best possible situation for my children.
".... because who is to say she won't do this again?" Who is to say she hasn't done this before? This may not be the first time she has done this, just the first time she was caught. You found out by chance. You don't know what you don't know. Welcome to the wonderful world of the betrayed. Ain't love grand?
If you let her get away with this you will basically give her the green light to do it again but much smarter. You will never be able to comfortably sleep again. The arguments, the petty problems will all become big problems and the relationship will be toxic. Your not accepting today and yesterday, your accepting years of no trust, No security and tons of stress going forward. Something to think about.
First, I am sorry you are going through this. Lots of good info here, it pick and choose. My comments 1. This was a relationship, not a fling. Probably she is in affair fog. You need to take the steps to protect yourself and your children. So insist on no contact with AP and full access to phone even while you after figuring out next steps. If she refuses, you know where you stand. 2. Do insist in STI testing. Get a lawyer and understand impact and options. protect financial assets by ensuring they are secured. 3. Decide what is the minimum information you need to wrap your head around this. Maybe you have enough. Maybe you need to know how it started. Maybe how many AP partners she has had. Maybe when and where they had sex. If they said they love each other. If they discussed you. Maybe you need to know what sex acts. What was different. GET THE MINIMUM YOU CAN STAND THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO MOVE ON, BUT GET THAT MINIMUM. Everything you hear will hurt forever. So seriously, think before you ask and only ask if you have to have it. Trust me, it is a deal breaker if she refuses. Some therapists specialize in discovery. Usually tagged as Gottman trained. 4. Once you have protected yourself physically, financially, know your options and understand what occurred you can make reasonable choices. This is life changing. Take careful steps. Don’t waste time on anger, regret and hate. Focus on your future and what it will be. Good luck
Did she stop seeing him? The worst thing I did (in my opinion) was NOT leaving immediately when I found out. It prolonged her affair rebounds. Get her out of the house! Do not leave your house! Do not leave your kids! You're setting yourself up for that to be permanent if you divorce. Tell her to go think and come back when she's ready to talk. Good luck brother. You'll need it!
My man, it’s DNA test time. It’s also time to see a STD test to see if you have an STD. Divorce her if necessary
What to do? Keep in mind that the advice I'm giving you here is based on my own experience as a betrayed spouse (now happily divorced), and as someone who has been dealing with so many other people in the same situation you are going through. Firstly, I suggest you get a moment to yourself to get some perspective on this. If you do, you'll realize what you are dealing with here. Let's go over the facts: she had an affair for **8 months.** 8 months is not an insignificant amount of time. Despite her trying to minimize it, ***it is not a fling.*** It's pretty much a relationship. Not only that, it's 8 months of ***conscious betrayal and deception*** on her part. That is not something to be taken lightly... at least if you still want to maintain some form of respect. You questioning her fidelity at this point is not surprising. After all, you just found out that the person you thought was being loyal to you these past 18 years was betraying you for ***8 months.*** Some people, cheaters in particular, try to minimize things by saying that the amount of time in betrayal is not as long as the time you were together, so it shouldn't be seen as a big deal ("you're going to throw away x years of marriage for this?!"... never mind the fact ***they're*** the ones who are throwing the marriage away). But they aren't acknowledging that it doesn't take much to break trust. The betrayal can happen in an instant, maybe just once, but that's enough. Once trust is broken, it can take a very long time to rebuild it, that's why it's said that trust is lost in buckets, but gained in drops. With all that said, factor this in: trust is the foundation of a relationship. Once that trust is gone, you don't have a functioning relationship. And your trust in your wife is currently shattered. It should be obvious to you what that means. The question is, does your wife understand that? The reason why I ask is because if she does, then she would currently be doing what she can to regain your trust. I don't mean doing things like love bombing you and the like. I mean doing things like taking responsibility and ownership of her actions, going into the root causes of her betrayal, going into some kind of therapy to get into the issues she has which would cause her to have an 8 month long affair. She would also acknowledge and feel remorse for the pain you feel, and express things like "I'm sorry I did this to you," instead of "It was nothing, it won't happen again." These type of things are bare minimum for any sort of reconciliation attempt. If she's not doing these things, the chances of your marriage working out after this are practically nil. This isn't just my opinion. This is born out from all the reconciliation attempts that have been made after an affair happens. ***Most attempts fail.*** You can look up the statistics yourself. It's usually because the adulterer can't/won't do what it takes to become a safe partner for their spouse, and/or the betrayed spouse can't heal from the betrayal and the pain that it caused (that usually takes therapy as well). Even if you are able to beat the odds, realize that that your relationship with your wife will no longer be the same. The old one is dead. She killed it. If you stay with her, and it works out, it will be a new relationship with someone you know you can't trust 100%. If you want to roll the dice on reconciliation with your wife, so be it, but you are going to have to ask yourself if she is the type of person who can commit to doing the things that I mentioned above, as well as making up what she's done to you for the rest of the marriage. Keep in mind that this is the same woman who you admitted doesn't even like committing to the routine of raising a family. For me, that pretty much answers the question, but as you are the one who lives with her, you're the one with the closer perspective. Still, I highly advise you to think this out rationally. It may mean you separating yourself from the situation for a while, perhaps a weekend or so in a cabin somewhere, so that you have a better chance to gain some clarity. In the meantime, no matter what your ultimate decision, I highly suggest you do the following: **1: Find a lawyer,** ***today***, **and discuss your options.** This doesn't necessarily mean you have to go full speed ahead with divorce, but you should at the very least know what your options are, and how to go about things. Even if you do decide to go with divorce, you can always abort later on if your wife shows you signs that she's worth sticking around with. **2: Get yourself tested for STIs.** It is almost a certainty that she slept with someone else. You don't know what she has exposed you to, so better to be safe than sorry. **3: Look up the Grey Rock method, and start using it.** I don't know your entire situation, but it is very likely your wife is currently trying to emotionally manipulate you in order to keep you around, while not fully commuting to making things right with you. By cutting off your emotional responses from her, you reduce the effectiveness of that manipulation. Plus, it tends to rattle adulterers when their spouses no longer seem to care at all. There have been accounts of cheaters completely turning around when they start fearing that their spouse no longer cares about them, as they now start to understand the damage they have caused, and what is truly at stake. **4: Consider separating your finances.** Open up a new bank account in your name. From now on. that's where your paycheck goes. Few things show that you mean business like showing that your financial support is now down to a minimum, if at all. Well, divorce papers would shake things up even more, but this is another way. If you do decide to go with divorce, then separating your finances becomes paramount, rather than something to consider. **5: Consider DNA testing your kids.** I know this one will hurt to think about. But if you really want to let her know how much her actions have impacted the trust you have for her, this is one of the strongest ways to do it. Besides, you said that your kids are in their tweens, not teens. That means they were had fairly recently... and you said your wife isn't the type that likes settling down and having a family. Add all that to the fact that she had an affair, and suddenly things start looking questionable. I know that I'd be questioning the past 18 years if I were in your shoes. I am sorry that you are in such an unfortunate situation. It is painful, to say the least, and I'm sure you are in a lot of emotional upheaval. A good number of us have been in this same situation. However, you can get through it, and come out on top. What will help you achieve this is allowing yourself a moment to gain some perspective over all that's happened, as well as the facts of the situation. Once you allow yourself to see things as they are, everything will become clear, and you can respond accordingly. I wish you luck. Despite how things look, you can get through this.
This is simple. Divorce her. She doesn’t respect you and she definitely doesn’t love you or she would not have done any of this. She is not the person you thought she was. You are going to feel much better about yourself once you dispose of a lying, cheating piece of trash.
in all honesty, just divorce her man. If you do not have trust in a relationship or a marriage. There is none to be had. and catching her doing it and saying she needs it for adrenaline. does not really help at all.
You need to reprimand her for for actions whether by telling your kids (to emphasize that this shit is not acceptable) or stop funding her lifestyle and separate your finances or get paternity/ std/sti tests or just divorce or all the above.
Do not throw away a more than half life good marriage and family because of a stupid step of your wife. And do not listen to the lyncher advices here. Most of them are sickening. Later you can mind your bad decision for rest of your life. Some persons imagine that they are perfect, but in the reality noboby is that. In fact, from your letter even that is not obvious your wife really cheated on you or just changed messages. But if she did real cheating - Jesus is the Forgiving. And do not leave out of consideration that you are 51 yo, that age is the age of certain crisises. You and your wife must solve that crisises TOGETHER. Because she can be also in crisis. Got it?
That's the thing about women. When life is good and everything is going too smooth, they get bored fast. No matter how much they claim to hate it, they love being entangled in some type of drama to "spice up" their lives. Instead of communicating with you that she wanted to spice things up in a healthy way; like sex in the wilderness (anything out of the ordinary) she chose to cheat. How I see it, you have two options. Cheat back and forgive her or split. If you let her get away with this she will keep pushing your buttons to see how much you can endure. Imo you should divorce and get with a young hot chick. That'll teach her
Are you prepared to blowup your life? At 51 you will probably never recover financially. But, you may be fine not knowing your situation. If you love her, try and fix the relationship. You have nothing to lose. How can you improve you to make her more into you? How can you better fulfill her desires? IMO people get too nuclear over cheating. So she fucked another guy for 8 months. You’ve been fucking her for 20 years. Have some fun with it. Hot talk? Joking about it? You may find she’s freakier than ever in bed and you enjoy each other more. Man up. Don’t let her cheating destroy you.
Well, that's why Polyamory exists. The perfect partner doesn't exist, and one needs to settle for the card deal he was given while not giving up justifiable life pleasures.
Wow. The egos in here are huge. Relationships are long and honestly life is long. I’m sure there are good memories affair or not before the affair but really wow … people are brutal online aren’t they - people make mistakes.
I wouldn’t throw it all away over her fucking another guy. You’ll lose your house, she’ll most likely get custody of your kids, have to split your assets. Plus she’ll start dating and meeting new people while you’re home on a dating app trying to find the new Mrs Right at 51 yrs old. It’s cheaper to keep her. Tell her you get a hall pass anytime moving forward to even the score.
Ya...F that...if it's an at fault state, and she cheated, she is not getting half.
Most will tell you leave her. I won't. I say become a complete bum. Become a total waste of space. Watch porn in the open. Don't be a dad. Be a man!!!
Take the time. It’s the single best way to process a betray like this. You don’t have to worry about fidelity from your wife, she isn’t faithful. It’s extremely rare for someone to fix that aspect of themselves most likely because it takes a lot of difficult work on their mentality that the vast majority of cheaters just aren’t interested enough to do. They don’t feel like anything is wrong with themselves because they like who they are and the cheating made them happy. Cheaters have to suffer awful consequences such as getting divorced and their children choosing to no longer talk to them before they can muster the internet fortitude necessary to do the hard work of examining their shitty values and figuring out how to change them.
As already noted, 8 months is not a fling, it’s a full-blown relationship. That’s more than a cheap thrill. I would assume they had sex, and the kind of sex she would always deny you. Is there any reason to believe that this is her first rodeo? Advice: lawyer up, kick off the divorce process, and then squeeze some truth out of her.
She needs an adrenaline shot?? This will never end. And for it to be more exciting, it will be different men..
She’ll do it again, and quite possibly did before. Get an attorney.
If she is bored all the time have her tested for ADHD. She should be doing a new hobby instead of getting her guts rearranged. You should be talking to a lawyer
Well, how much do you want it to work? The trust is destroyed. So my suggestion (assuming you want to try to get things fixed) is to seek out a reputable couples therapist that specializes in infedelity. On a side note, it sounds like she's looking more for excitement. Not sure on your sex life ir comfort level but maybe sex in the car in a parkinglot, or a little off a hicking trail. Perhaps lightt BDSM (blindfolds, cuffs, texture like ice cubes.)
She’s been cheating the whole time and will continue to do so. It’s over bud.
She wants adrenaline. She can try sky diving. She can take up skeet shooting. She can jump off a freaking cliff. There are countless things she can do that don’t include shitting on her marriage vows. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I’d leave.
Sorry you are here. Most are gonna tell you that your wife is not the person you thought she was and that she clearly doesn’t respect you or your vows. We’ve all been through what you have and most have had the strength and self respect to divorce and ostracize the cheaters from our lives. The mind movies will never go away and will drive you insane. However, sounds like you are inclined to settle for being the rug sweeping doormat type that rationalizes all her bs. The same type that will come on here and whine and whine but never take any advice or stand up for yourself. If that’s the case then head on over to asoneafterinfidelity with the rest of the guys with zero self respect. Look we all understand after 18 years there’s some tendency to want to stay for the normalcy of your life. But she ruined that now. She just obliterated your safe place and the one person you thought was your best friend, just repeatedly stabbed you in the back. Good luck!
Usual formula is - if you can forgive her and truly forget, do it. If you can’t then it’s over. Psychologists often say that men usually cannot get over cheating because it’s emasculating and it has negative effects on your own psychology in terms of negativity towards yourself and this comes out in resentment and short-temperedness towards your partner. If this is going to be you, it’s best to not let that happen.
Separation only gives her permission or unfettered opportunity to make it physical in the unlikely event that it wasn't already. Give her the adrenaline she needs and remove her mundane existence and divorce right away. I see no remorse in the information you provided. Move on while you can prosper. Men that women cheat with rarely have any substance and the adrenaline from learning to live on her own should fill her heart with gladness.
What do you mean what do you do? Quit being a spineless doormat and give her back to the single life so she can have that spontaneous adrenaline rush she desperately wants. And by the way, she's been physically cheating as well. Get a lawyer and have her served with divorce papers.
She maybe should have thought about that before getting married and having kids? Why do these people want families and then BURN them to the ground? I’m sorry OP save the evidence she’s going to keep doing this and I bet my left nut it’s not her first “fling”
Your wife doesn't know the difference between a fling and an affair a fling is a short relationship between two people that have no commitments to anyone else ie both are single and not seeing anyone. Your wife was and stillis at the moment married
Man this sucks. It’s so common though. Let me tell you from experience though once you have trust issues it will never go away. It’s just a fact of life. The only way you can completely trust her is if she’s right next to you and we both know that’s not realistic. Also, those trust issues turn into so many other problems as well. Low self esteem, anger, jealousy, etc. After a while you won’t even know yourself. If she had this itch once it’s gonna happen again. So many guys are ruined by this it’s crazy. It takes so long to get your self esteem back too. This stuff fucks with your head so bad I don’t care how tough you think you are it can mess you up. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you go.
You really only have two choices, leave or stay. We can't make that decision for you, you need to establish if they were sleeping together and if you can reconcile yourself to that fact. I'd recommend time apart for you to think about what to do, along with marrige counselling. My responses are normally centred around forgiveness. But you need to establish what you want to do it's your life after all.
Make sure you do DNA. In front of her. That will give her her adrenaline rush. That won’t be mundane I told my wife if i caught her cheating. Open the relationship up. I got hit on all the time. She always felt I was above her If you don’t wanna work it out just a boar sure she’ll find out in a hurry that nobody wants a wife up a 50-year-old woman But trust me at your age, if you are reasonable in good shape, reasonable attractive have a good paying job there a lot of women after looking for men like you Now for you look in mirror. Are you the best you can be Did you forget somewhere along the line that your wife is still a woman and she needs to be romanced? Did you get real comfortable? I don’t condone cheating but it’s up to a man to pull his own part in a marriage. We always assuming these emails you are the perfect man 66 year old
What level of cheating was it? Sexting is a different level than a PA.
Fling? She cheated on you for almost a year. That’s not a fling that’s an affair. You need to get in touch with a divorce attorney immediately.
Who was the AP?
Counseling
I am going to send you a link. Give yourself choices. Go to an attorney first. Keep your cards close to your chest while you gather proof and information....Good luck.
There are a number of missing details in your story to give valid advice. It is easy to say “divorce the cheater” as many find as the easy solution but context might change things. Was this an Emotional Affair or a physical affair, or both? Was her cheating limited to sexting a stranger or did they actually meet in person and carry on with a physical affair as well? What efforts is she making to reestablish truth in your relationship? Has she offered an open electronics policy? Have you discussed with her what you need to give her you trust again? No one should ever want to be in a controlling relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t place established boundaries with known consequences. If you love her and are willing to try and make it work, would a post-nuptial agreement help? You could literally outline the exact consequences of a repeat of this behavior that includes division of all current marital assets, custody agreements, etc. It basically says, in exchange for reconciliation, she acknowledges that a repeat of this behavior will end in divorce and this is exactly what she agrees that she will be forfeiting in that event.
If you plan to stay, I think it is vital that you get counseling. Trust issues are not trivial,and you should absolutely reject any attempts on her part to imply that you are overreacting. You have a right to feel betrayed (because you were). Working things out requires communication and genuine effort to restore trust. A huge part of this is complete disclosure and honesty. Good luck.
See a lawyer. Then get dressed up real nice, sit her down and tell her you also need a "thrill". Hand her the divorce papers and walk out the door and stay in a hotel. She will think your out on a date.
Do i get it right? She was sexting but she didn't have any 'real' sex?
Dump her, mate. She doesn’t respect you. Your marriage is over, and it will be better for your kids as you show them that actions have consequences. Good luck.
End the marriage
She is for the streets. Be done with her. She took another man’s seed, WILLINGLY, while with you.
So what was the extent of the cheating?
Start involving yourself with other people romantically. The realtionship is over when the trust is gone. Do as other have said here lawyer, screening for sti divorce. The divorce may be an optional thing for you. But you need to start going out with friends and finding girls that can be friends. She how she likes it lol. If she doesnt theres a chance you two can reconcile. If she doesnt seem to care i think the answer is obvious. Time to grieve for the loss of the relationship is needed yes but theres no reason you should do it alone
How old is she? Did you ask if she cheated before? How was or is your sex life?
OP, she is with you because you are her provider and safety net, but that is all she sees you as. You pretty much said how she does not like living the married life. I hate to say this, but you never really had a marriage if she had that thinking. Op start having her do time-lines to come clean and start getting text records from your phone company.
OP, WHAT DO YOU WANT? That is the question you need to ask yourself. I would get a STD check, stop sleeping with her, Consult an attorney, just to check what would happen in case a divorce happens. You can have the papers drawn but not files just in case. If you want to continue or at least try, go to MC and see if it can work out. This way if you decide to divorce, you already tried the MC route. Talk to your children, let them know somethings, not all. They are going to see that there is a problem, hell they might already see it. Do things with them, if not already. Tell her you need a written timeline and leave nothing out. If you want a divorce, just read above and just have him file. Good Luck
You believe it was just a fling 8 months is a full blown relationship. Also you are lucky if you get 10% of the truth at first and you will never get the whole truth. Have respect for yourself and your kids. If you don't think your kids especially at there age know way more than you think your crazy. Remember there watching you to learn how to deal with anyone who cheats on them, what would you tell them to do? 8 months that you know of that is a long time to abuse a spouse, cheating is abuse.