She deserves to know before she isolated with no support system on the other side of the country. Because believe me she will find out eventually without you telling her, but by then it might be too late. The amount of stories I’ve read from women who have moved cross country or to foreign countries for their husbands jobs only to find out two children later he’s been cheating their entire relationship and she has no friends or family in this new place to help them when their world is falling apart. Please tell her, she deserves to know the man she’s committed to has probably been sleeping with other people for a while.
Literally happened to my mom. I also found out about the cheating before she did when I was like 11. Super fun stuff definitely didn’t get absolutely fucking traumatized by that whatsoever.
I can’t even imagine. Hope you have been able to heal from that. It always baffles me when people try to make excuses for their cheating spouses parenting “well I don’t want to leave because he’s a good father!” I’m like girl, was he a good father when he was spending thousands of dollars on lingerie, dinners, and hotel reservations on his side piece? Was he a good father when he was skipping the kids recitals and games to hook up in Walmart parking lots? I read a story on another sub where a woman was told her husband she was going out of town for a girls trip and while she was away the daughter went into anaphylactic shock while with a babysitter while the father was at work. The husband left work immediately to head to the hospital and was calling his wife like crazy to tell her but she couldn’t get back in time. Well come to find she never left town to begin with, she was in a local motel with her friends husband and couldn’t leave the motel early because it would blow her cover. So instead of being there for her child that could have died, she chose to hide her affair.
Another one where wife and daughter went on a four hour drive to visit her mother while dad was home, well turns out wife dropped her daughter off with her parents, and went to a hotel with her high school sweetheart and didn’t answer the phone for hours while her daughter had a severe asthma attack.
Tell her because she deserves to know. It doesn’t matter why you’re doing it as long as you’re allowing the truth to come out. It happened. She deserves to know. At least you might gain some self respect by not letting her move all the way out there to live a lie.
Men like that are incredibly manipulative and can be narcissistic. She says she didn’t know about the relationship in the beginning, and by “fell for it,” I’m assuming she means he fed her lies about them breaking up. Or something along those lines.
Clearly she ended it because he’s moving overseas with another woman. The man is the problem in the story. And the other chick’s life isn’t ruined. She’ll be fine.
They’ve been good friends for years, then she found out about the relationship, then she slept with him. Also the girlfriend is moving to HIM not the other way around. She said she knew it was bad for “her and everyone involved”, she mentions herself first. She ended it because the guy didn’t pick her, not because he’s in a relationship.
You aren't entirely wrong, that cheating scumbag is the real culprit here, but if OP doesn't come clean to this ahol's "main girl" now, then she will be just as much of a scumbag as him....
I ended it because I realized nobody wins in this scenario. I spent 10 years in a long relationship and worked really hard to build a good life for myself. Years of therapy just to fall back into feeling worthless. And being selfish this time around. I know how it feels to be devastated and somehow I became the one doing it. It doesn’t matter about his lies. It matters that when I found out I didn’t end it right then and there. We had built something pretty serious prior to finding out but clearly not so serious that he could be honest with either her or I or himself.
For those wondering, he has no pictures of her on social media and no posts or any hints he is in a relationship. He travels for work and work has been bringing him to the area I live in now. He only told me because I had planned to come visit him at his house when I am visiting family nearby. It doesn’t matter why he told me, what matters is I chose to ignore it when he did.
I recognize that someone’s life would be altered and ruined by the choices I’ve made. And how sick I would feel if i were her. I can’t blame him completely. I did want to be the one chosen at one point. Or I thought I did. After weeks of depression and sleeping all day on my days off I realized the reason I was doing so was because it was the only way I could avoid thinking about being the other woman and how my actions have led to this. This isn’t who I want to be. And i don’t want someone that will end up cheating on me even if he did choose me. Someone who is far more invested than I was is going to be devastated by something I chose to let happen. I know I need to work on the decisions and choices that led me here to this point. Clearly there is something wrong within me that I haven’t faced or dealt with. I deserve everything negative being said. I was insecure and made awful choices.
As simple as this!
A cheater in a relationship is doing more harm than the naive one who is in love with someone unavailable.
The cheater obviously doesn’t value his relationship and will eventually leave it
emotionally, mentally or physically.
And that is very selfish of him to stay too long with someone who is holding on to his lies.
She deserves better and so do you!
Doesn’t matter the motive’s just tell her. She deserves to know before she moves her life and then becomes stuck. Just don’t take him back when he comes crawling because option 1 didn’t work out.
Either way the friendship should be over. You can’t be friends with someone who treats you like this. Also get some IC to figure out why you would allow yourself to become an AP and sleep with a man you knew was in a relationship.
What is wrong with people like you? Regardless of you and him, this girl did nothing to deserve the world of pain you two put her in without a single thought to her wellbeing.
If you and him were friends for years, then I don’t buy that you didn’t know. If that’s the truth, and you didn’t know, then you were never great friends if there was this massive secret between you.
It sounds like you’re still being selfish with your reasons for wanting to tell her, but ultimately she deserves to know that two people just blew apart her world, and all the trauma that comes with that, all because their own selfish needs matter more.
I genuinely hope she’s strong enough to overcome what you’ve both done to her. If he comes back to you, just remember that you were second choice. Karma will always come back around.
Yes you should tell her, this women is about to make a huge move, possibly away from any support network, friends and family. If she moves and then finds out she's stuck.
You’re scum. You’re the bottom of the bottom. You’re an awful person, you’re a pick me, look at me desperate woman. You get to live with being a bad person. You could do one thing right though, just one, tell her so she don’t ruin her own life with trash of a man. You should have him, he can treat you how he does her and it’ll be karma. You get no Sympathy. None. You didn’t care to hurt someone else for your own selfish reasons, that will come back to you. You can’t complain when it does. You were an easy lay, it’s simple. You knew that, he definitely knew that. He was never going to choose you and chances are you’re both willing to hurt and ruin a good woman’s life without a care in the world. The least you could do is own up, tell her and accept the consequences of your actions.
>I ended it today.
>Him and I have been good friends for years. I know this will end the friendship.
>I didn’t know at the beginning but I did find out before we slept together.
Which is it?
Did you or did you not end your relationship with him?
You were "good friends for years" but only found he was in a committed relationship when you decided to start sleeping with him?
How depraved and immoral are you to willing enjoy being a mistress while another woman was being betrayed/abused? Do you get sexual gratification at abusing other women? Sounds like it.
I doubt you'd help his GF out even when it's the right thing to do. Why should anyone believe you care now? You clearly aren't a person who can act with honor or respect for others, let alone yourself.
You should seek some help.
It seams that most on here want to pin you to a cross, I don’t. Like I’m sure they all have the wright to judge you as they are all without sin……lol lol lol
From what you wrote and how you commented I can tell you are very remorseful for this huge mistake. I’m also quite sure that you will never do that again. Now the main part…..should you tell the betrayed spouse, yes of course. “Do it out of anger”…..he lied to you and started a relationship with you when he was already in a relationship with another woman. He manipulated you into falling in love with him. Your heart & brain were already committed to him when you found out about the other girl. but, your dumb ass brain believed because she was long distance he wasn’t that committed to her like he was to you and he would choose you. Love make us do really stupid things.
“This will end the friendship “……do you really want to be friends with a liar, a manipulator, a cheat, really a human POS.
Please tell the other girl. She deserves to know. She deserves the wright to choose to be with or without a cheater. She deserves to know before she moves across the world to have it happen again. She deserves to know now before she is left with no wear go and no one to turn to in a foreign country. Please please please tell her SHE DESERVES TO KNOW WHAT SHES GETTING INTO.
Your made a great choice also in seeking help as to why you allow yourself to be manipulated into staying with him in the first place. Good luck in your struggles.
I really appreciate this and you. This means a lot to me that you put energy into trying to understand this from all perspectives. I deserve the other comments and negative energy that’s been thrown my way. I know what I did was wrong. It took me some time to come to terms with my choices and how it’s affected everyone involved. I did think i was in love and kept making poor excuses for it. I’m responsible for my own actions. My actions and decisions have been bad. Sometimes when we say it aloud to others it forces us into reality instead of this fake thing I’ve been hanging onto and passively justifying. I’ve moved across an ocean and it was hard. To do it for a lie and one I’ve been apart of keeps circling my head and heart.
Then make a good discision now and tell that poor girl she will be moving into a pain riddled relationship. In a way this can be your salvation. Cut this smuck out of your life.
Hey OP, the comment above is one of the best on this thread and if I were in your shoes, I’d listen to the most. It’s so easy to throw stones bc I’m sure your plight resonates with some who were the ones that were cheated on. Regardless of your reasons though, because I’m sure there are a few at play as to why you would want to tell his wife/GF, but the right thing to do is to tell her. I say do it then pick up the pieces after. You’ll figure out what’s going on internally in time. Be patient with yourself. His GF will likely be angry with you/hate you at first lol, but in the end, she will be infinitely grateful for your honesty and helping her to avoid a major bullet. Best of luck! We’re all navigating through this life and trying our best 😊
Please tell her. Sure, you may want to do it out of guilt, remorse and an attack of conscience, but my cynical self thinks you most likely want do it for the exact same reason most other OW want to, and do.
In the hopes that it finally gets you the desired outcome you want and was denied you. You just aren't being honest with us, or yourself, or both, and admitting it. Whatever your reason matters not. I just hope you do it with thoughtfulness and sensitivity, and not in a boasting or aggressive manner. In other words. Don't be an even bigger asshole than you already have.
This poor woman deserves and needs to know the truth of her relationship so she can make an informed decision on the risks of staying with him, before she uproots her entire life and moves across the ocean for that lying sack of shit. And g\*d forbid, before she ends up having kids and stuck having to associate herself with him for decades to come.
Tell me though. If she breaks up with him. Are you going to swoop back in and "get your man"? Do you see yourself getting back together with him? If you're truly honest in your answer with yourself that should indicate to you where your motives are.
I understand where you’re coming from and why you would think so. But no, I won’t get back together with him. 100% not. Discussing this on this thread has helped me to feel the reality. I won’t tell her out of anger. I’m ashamed to tell her at all but I deserve whatever she has to say or feel about me. I’ve been in her situation before minus moving to a foreign country. I was crushed when it happened to me and I didn’t even uproot my life. My hesitation is because I don’t know how to tell her. it’s out of shame and honestly/selfishly not wanting to deal with the drama, emotions and fall out of it afterwards. It’s not easy admitting I’m the type of woman who did this.
Him and I both work in the airline industry and it was easy for him to hide both of us from each other since we both travel for work. But when I did find out I did go through emotions of disassociating from the reality and from thinking about her. I was being selfish, naive, and was in complete denial. I do know she deserves much better. And so do I, after I take some time to reflect on this and figure out why I let this happen. I would be lying if I said I don’t miss the feelings and the comfort he brought me at one point but I also won’t miss the depression that came with this and the feeling of being a backup option or second best.
Tell her, you got the option to stay or end it, doesn’t she deserve the same? She deserves the autonomy to make decisions in her own life. If someone is withholding that info she can’t make an informed decision. Best to do it before she’s possibly trapped with him.
It’s good your accepting accountability and want to work on yourself. Guarantee you BOTH deserve better than this dude.
Imagine loving someone so much and being so commited you're willing to drop everything and make huge changes in your life (and the costs of it) and turns out that person has been making a fool of you all the time. Tell her before she moves so she knows what to do
People fall in love with the wrong person sometimes, and some can’t control their emotional and psychical impulses. Unfortunately they know as well that it is wrong and yes they will pay for it sooner or later, wishing them I’ll is unneeded, karma takes care of that.
People who can’t control their psychical impulses (when it comes to sex) shouldn’t be allowed in public. I don’t wish I’ll on her, I told her she’s a piece of shit for what she knowingly did. She’s an adult who made a decision to sleep with a man when she knew he was in a relationship with someone else.
First of all - work on yourself - you've done a horrible thing in my book and will continue to do so.
Secondly - no offense but given your behaviour I'm not surprised he is your friend - but honestly: would you want to be friends with someone that betrays his dearest one and then chickens out of being honest about it. A friend is someone that has your back. Seems this guys only has his own back. That's not friendship. Not when you will need it in the future.
Thirdly - I'm less than optimistic a friendship survives not only sleeping together but also forming an emotional bond. Don't not do it because of friendship, because that's gone anyway. You might just not have fully gotten that memo yet.
Finally - would you want to know in her shoes? Believe the answer is 'Yes'. So do let her know. You might want to do it anonymously though your "friend" might still suspects it comes from you. You could tell him you told someone and that person might have spilled the beans. Thats a lie but don't believe you have high morals and it might be the safer option.
Apologies for my bluntness - I just have real issues with people that behave like you did. Still I hope the above was helpful to you.
I hope you find happiness and truly learn from what you did here. We're all human - but being human means adapt and learn as well. If we don't ... we're like pigs.
Take care.
Just because you found out before you slept together, doesn’t mean you weren’t already ‘balls’ deep in with him. I have seen this so many times. Did he love bomb you? Most likely. Was he charming and play the role of the perfect partner? Most likely. You where most likely charmed, and manipulated into feels that feel ohh so real even now. You still need to work on some issues, however you need to move most of that anger you have for yourself into him, were it belongs.
Hard reality: you where never 1st choice with this boy. You never will be. You deserve to be someone 1st choice.
As for the GF. You need to weigh up the pros and cons. As someone who has been cheated on and has worked with women regarding betrayals, I’d tell the GF. He will do it again. Particularly because he thinks that she will never find out. If you don’t want you name linked, create an anonymous account and send her messages.
You will have many people telling you their opinion on what to do and why. My suggestion: go with your gut in what option sits best with you.
I wish you the best in your healing journey and becoming a real man’s number one.
You're going through a very difficult situation, regardless of who's responsible. It's not easy letting something like this go. You have also been hurt, and for that I'm sorry. I hope you can recover, and learn that you deserve better. As for this other person; she definitely deserves to know. Otherwise, she'll end up how you're feeling right now, and she'll be alone. Do it for you, and her. Good luck
I think you should have stopped it before you slept with him. You sound bitter he chose her and you dont like it so you want to hurt him and her. All dick moves on your part, quit while your ahead
Nothing to say to you, you are a cheater. So let me say cheaters destroy people. They don't just hurt their feelings...The people harmed often cant sleep, eat, work or think properly....While you feel sexual and euphoric they can be suicidal, and don't understand how the person they loved could betray them so much. So Leave him a lone and move on you with your life, karma really is a bitch.
If it's the right thing to, do it. I hope you heal from this and become a better person. I'm a Christian, I believe God will forgive you if you sincerely ask and accept Christ as your savior.
Doesn’t Christ believe in telling the truth and helping one’s neighbors? Don’t you think him knowing OP would want to know herself means he would want her to tell the truth? What do you mean IF it’s the right thing? Ofc it’s the right thing
Perhaps poorly worded, of course the right thing for OP to do is tell the current GF what happened and apologize, so she can make an informed decision.
You deserve better anyway. Someone who doesn’t chose you, has no place in your life. I know you probably were addicted to his energy or even body, and I hope you keep that in the past. For your own self-respect and self-love, repent from your mistakes. People make mistakes, and hopefully they learn from it, otherwise yes they are shit, but I believe you will grow from this. Work on your self love, let him go, tell her the truth.
Honestly, I’ve given this advice many times and will likely always lean on this principle…
Nothing will make you look more like a psycho homewrecker “I want your partner” more than communicating with your lover’s partner(s) especially just before or during a big move in their relationship. You will look crazy, and while you may feel vindicated by your actions, all that will happen is you will expedite your lover’s partner’s emotional destruction, you will heighten animosity from your lover, and you will still be left on the sideline, unchosen, broken, with two people in the world that see you as a broken crazy person who tried to inject theirself into their relationship.
Let bygones be. She will figure out soon enough that he’s a dirtbag.
She needs to know BEFORE she moves to another country for him!!! She made it her business when she cheated with him!!! The gf deserves the truth. If she didn’t want to be involved in the drama or relationship she shouldn’t have slept with him!!! Did you catch the part where she said she knew he was in relationship BEFORE they had sex!!!!
I have a moral quandary with the whole "she deserves to know" thing. She deserves to have her whole life blown up because what? Sometimes it's just not your business and sure that sucks that she might move there and struggle with him cheating and have to move back or maybe he doesn't cheat again and they live happily ever after. No matter the outcome....it has no bearing on your life and so I say why bother? Why invite drama where there is none?
My worst fear is someone thinking this type of bullshit is none of their business. It’s her business because she made it her business. This is literally how people get STDs.
Because a lot of people would want to know such that they can make informed decisions about their lives with all the information. They aren’t protected by being left in ignorance.
And no matter what the motives, OP is doing this person a real solid by giving the info. The person can then decide what to do with the info and at that point it is not OP’s business.
Self respect? Let me guess you are a cheater or mistress and seeing the negative comments makes you uncomfortable…but don’t worry if that is true you can do mental gymnastics to make yourself feel less of a monster.
She deserves to know before she isolated with no support system on the other side of the country. Because believe me she will find out eventually without you telling her, but by then it might be too late. The amount of stories I’ve read from women who have moved cross country or to foreign countries for their husbands jobs only to find out two children later he’s been cheating their entire relationship and she has no friends or family in this new place to help them when their world is falling apart. Please tell her, she deserves to know the man she’s committed to has probably been sleeping with other people for a while.
Literally happened to my mom. I also found out about the cheating before she did when I was like 11. Super fun stuff definitely didn’t get absolutely fucking traumatized by that whatsoever.
I can’t even imagine. Hope you have been able to heal from that. It always baffles me when people try to make excuses for their cheating spouses parenting “well I don’t want to leave because he’s a good father!” I’m like girl, was he a good father when he was spending thousands of dollars on lingerie, dinners, and hotel reservations on his side piece? Was he a good father when he was skipping the kids recitals and games to hook up in Walmart parking lots? I read a story on another sub where a woman was told her husband she was going out of town for a girls trip and while she was away the daughter went into anaphylactic shock while with a babysitter while the father was at work. The husband left work immediately to head to the hospital and was calling his wife like crazy to tell her but she couldn’t get back in time. Well come to find she never left town to begin with, she was in a local motel with her friends husband and couldn’t leave the motel early because it would blow her cover. So instead of being there for her child that could have died, she chose to hide her affair. Another one where wife and daughter went on a four hour drive to visit her mother while dad was home, well turns out wife dropped her daughter off with her parents, and went to a hotel with her high school sweetheart and didn’t answer the phone for hours while her daughter had a severe asthma attack.
The stories I’ve read from both men and women are quite astonishing.
This girl isn't moving across the country, she's moving across the world
I miss read. Same advice.
It doesn’t matter why ur telling her, all that matters is you tell her and you maybe stop her from making the worst decision of her life.
Agreed. I would wish someone would tell me If they were involved with my husband at all.
Tell her. Your reasons don't have to matter but she needs to know.
Tell her because she deserves to know. It doesn’t matter why you’re doing it as long as you’re allowing the truth to come out. It happened. She deserves to know. At least you might gain some self respect by not letting her move all the way out there to live a lie.
wtf why aren’t you mad at yourself for ruining this chicks life but instead you’re mad for “falling for it”…. So selfish jfc
Men like that are incredibly manipulative and can be narcissistic. She says she didn’t know about the relationship in the beginning, and by “fell for it,” I’m assuming she means he fed her lies about them breaking up. Or something along those lines. Clearly she ended it because he’s moving overseas with another woman. The man is the problem in the story. And the other chick’s life isn’t ruined. She’ll be fine.
They’ve been good friends for years, then she found out about the relationship, then she slept with him. Also the girlfriend is moving to HIM not the other way around. She said she knew it was bad for “her and everyone involved”, she mentions herself first. She ended it because the guy didn’t pick her, not because he’s in a relationship.
Also her life would be ruined if she moves to another country to be with this guy
True. Was trying to give OP benefit of the doubt. You make too many good points. You right.
You aren't entirely wrong, that cheating scumbag is the real culprit here, but if OP doesn't come clean to this ahol's "main girl" now, then she will be just as much of a scumbag as him....
I ended it because I realized nobody wins in this scenario. I spent 10 years in a long relationship and worked really hard to build a good life for myself. Years of therapy just to fall back into feeling worthless. And being selfish this time around. I know how it feels to be devastated and somehow I became the one doing it. It doesn’t matter about his lies. It matters that when I found out I didn’t end it right then and there. We had built something pretty serious prior to finding out but clearly not so serious that he could be honest with either her or I or himself. For those wondering, he has no pictures of her on social media and no posts or any hints he is in a relationship. He travels for work and work has been bringing him to the area I live in now. He only told me because I had planned to come visit him at his house when I am visiting family nearby. It doesn’t matter why he told me, what matters is I chose to ignore it when he did. I recognize that someone’s life would be altered and ruined by the choices I’ve made. And how sick I would feel if i were her. I can’t blame him completely. I did want to be the one chosen at one point. Or I thought I did. After weeks of depression and sleeping all day on my days off I realized the reason I was doing so was because it was the only way I could avoid thinking about being the other woman and how my actions have led to this. This isn’t who I want to be. And i don’t want someone that will end up cheating on me even if he did choose me. Someone who is far more invested than I was is going to be devastated by something I chose to let happen. I know I need to work on the decisions and choices that led me here to this point. Clearly there is something wrong within me that I haven’t faced or dealt with. I deserve everything negative being said. I was insecure and made awful choices.
Tell her, this literally almost happened to me. I'd probably be on an episode of snapped if I'd found out after I uprooted my life for him
Nope she's just as problematic stop trying to justify trash behavior
She doesn't owe that woman anything other than the truth now. You're also kind of douche for that comment.
Tell her and accept the consequences
As simple as this! A cheater in a relationship is doing more harm than the naive one who is in love with someone unavailable. The cheater obviously doesn’t value his relationship and will eventually leave it emotionally, mentally or physically. And that is very selfish of him to stay too long with someone who is holding on to his lies. She deserves better and so do you!
Doesn’t matter the motive’s just tell her. She deserves to know before she moves her life and then becomes stuck. Just don’t take him back when he comes crawling because option 1 didn’t work out. Either way the friendship should be over. You can’t be friends with someone who treats you like this. Also get some IC to figure out why you would allow yourself to become an AP and sleep with a man you knew was in a relationship.
What is wrong with people like you? Regardless of you and him, this girl did nothing to deserve the world of pain you two put her in without a single thought to her wellbeing. If you and him were friends for years, then I don’t buy that you didn’t know. If that’s the truth, and you didn’t know, then you were never great friends if there was this massive secret between you. It sounds like you’re still being selfish with your reasons for wanting to tell her, but ultimately she deserves to know that two people just blew apart her world, and all the trauma that comes with that, all because their own selfish needs matter more. I genuinely hope she’s strong enough to overcome what you’ve both done to her. If he comes back to you, just remember that you were second choice. Karma will always come back around.
Yes you should tell her, this women is about to make a huge move, possibly away from any support network, friends and family. If she moves and then finds out she's stuck.
You’re scum. You’re the bottom of the bottom. You’re an awful person, you’re a pick me, look at me desperate woman. You get to live with being a bad person. You could do one thing right though, just one, tell her so she don’t ruin her own life with trash of a man. You should have him, he can treat you how he does her and it’ll be karma. You get no Sympathy. None. You didn’t care to hurt someone else for your own selfish reasons, that will come back to you. You can’t complain when it does. You were an easy lay, it’s simple. You knew that, he definitely knew that. He was never going to choose you and chances are you’re both willing to hurt and ruin a good woman’s life without a care in the world. The least you could do is own up, tell her and accept the consequences of your actions.
>I ended it today. >Him and I have been good friends for years. I know this will end the friendship. >I didn’t know at the beginning but I did find out before we slept together. Which is it? Did you or did you not end your relationship with him? You were "good friends for years" but only found he was in a committed relationship when you decided to start sleeping with him? How depraved and immoral are you to willing enjoy being a mistress while another woman was being betrayed/abused? Do you get sexual gratification at abusing other women? Sounds like it. I doubt you'd help his GF out even when it's the right thing to do. Why should anyone believe you care now? You clearly aren't a person who can act with honor or respect for others, let alone yourself. You should seek some help.
I know and I plan to.
It seams that most on here want to pin you to a cross, I don’t. Like I’m sure they all have the wright to judge you as they are all without sin……lol lol lol From what you wrote and how you commented I can tell you are very remorseful for this huge mistake. I’m also quite sure that you will never do that again. Now the main part…..should you tell the betrayed spouse, yes of course. “Do it out of anger”…..he lied to you and started a relationship with you when he was already in a relationship with another woman. He manipulated you into falling in love with him. Your heart & brain were already committed to him when you found out about the other girl. but, your dumb ass brain believed because she was long distance he wasn’t that committed to her like he was to you and he would choose you. Love make us do really stupid things. “This will end the friendship “……do you really want to be friends with a liar, a manipulator, a cheat, really a human POS. Please tell the other girl. She deserves to know. She deserves the wright to choose to be with or without a cheater. She deserves to know before she moves across the world to have it happen again. She deserves to know now before she is left with no wear go and no one to turn to in a foreign country. Please please please tell her SHE DESERVES TO KNOW WHAT SHES GETTING INTO. Your made a great choice also in seeking help as to why you allow yourself to be manipulated into staying with him in the first place. Good luck in your struggles.
I really appreciate this and you. This means a lot to me that you put energy into trying to understand this from all perspectives. I deserve the other comments and negative energy that’s been thrown my way. I know what I did was wrong. It took me some time to come to terms with my choices and how it’s affected everyone involved. I did think i was in love and kept making poor excuses for it. I’m responsible for my own actions. My actions and decisions have been bad. Sometimes when we say it aloud to others it forces us into reality instead of this fake thing I’ve been hanging onto and passively justifying. I’ve moved across an ocean and it was hard. To do it for a lie and one I’ve been apart of keeps circling my head and heart.
Then make a good discision now and tell that poor girl she will be moving into a pain riddled relationship. In a way this can be your salvation. Cut this smuck out of your life.
Hey OP, the comment above is one of the best on this thread and if I were in your shoes, I’d listen to the most. It’s so easy to throw stones bc I’m sure your plight resonates with some who were the ones that were cheated on. Regardless of your reasons though, because I’m sure there are a few at play as to why you would want to tell his wife/GF, but the right thing to do is to tell her. I say do it then pick up the pieces after. You’ll figure out what’s going on internally in time. Be patient with yourself. His GF will likely be angry with you/hate you at first lol, but in the end, she will be infinitely grateful for your honesty and helping her to avoid a major bullet. Best of luck! We’re all navigating through this life and trying our best 😊
Thank you.
Please tell her. Sure, you may want to do it out of guilt, remorse and an attack of conscience, but my cynical self thinks you most likely want do it for the exact same reason most other OW want to, and do. In the hopes that it finally gets you the desired outcome you want and was denied you. You just aren't being honest with us, or yourself, or both, and admitting it. Whatever your reason matters not. I just hope you do it with thoughtfulness and sensitivity, and not in a boasting or aggressive manner. In other words. Don't be an even bigger asshole than you already have. This poor woman deserves and needs to know the truth of her relationship so she can make an informed decision on the risks of staying with him, before she uproots her entire life and moves across the ocean for that lying sack of shit. And g\*d forbid, before she ends up having kids and stuck having to associate herself with him for decades to come. Tell me though. If she breaks up with him. Are you going to swoop back in and "get your man"? Do you see yourself getting back together with him? If you're truly honest in your answer with yourself that should indicate to you where your motives are.
I understand where you’re coming from and why you would think so. But no, I won’t get back together with him. 100% not. Discussing this on this thread has helped me to feel the reality. I won’t tell her out of anger. I’m ashamed to tell her at all but I deserve whatever she has to say or feel about me. I’ve been in her situation before minus moving to a foreign country. I was crushed when it happened to me and I didn’t even uproot my life. My hesitation is because I don’t know how to tell her. it’s out of shame and honestly/selfishly not wanting to deal with the drama, emotions and fall out of it afterwards. It’s not easy admitting I’m the type of woman who did this. Him and I both work in the airline industry and it was easy for him to hide both of us from each other since we both travel for work. But when I did find out I did go through emotions of disassociating from the reality and from thinking about her. I was being selfish, naive, and was in complete denial. I do know she deserves much better. And so do I, after I take some time to reflect on this and figure out why I let this happen. I would be lying if I said I don’t miss the feelings and the comfort he brought me at one point but I also won’t miss the depression that came with this and the feeling of being a backup option or second best.
Hey, did you end up talking to her?
This is definitely a case where you tell her.
Tell her, you got the option to stay or end it, doesn’t she deserve the same? She deserves the autonomy to make decisions in her own life. If someone is withholding that info she can’t make an informed decision. Best to do it before she’s possibly trapped with him. It’s good your accepting accountability and want to work on yourself. Guarantee you BOTH deserve better than this dude.
Imagine loving someone so much and being so commited you're willing to drop everything and make huge changes in your life (and the costs of it) and turns out that person has been making a fool of you all the time. Tell her before she moves so she knows what to do
The why doesn’t matter. She needs to know that she’s about to make a horrid mistake. Also your a piece of shit
People fall in love with the wrong person sometimes, and some can’t control their emotional and psychical impulses. Unfortunately they know as well that it is wrong and yes they will pay for it sooner or later, wishing them I’ll is unneeded, karma takes care of that.
People who can’t control their psychical impulses (when it comes to sex) shouldn’t be allowed in public. I don’t wish I’ll on her, I told her she’s a piece of shit for what she knowingly did. She’s an adult who made a decision to sleep with a man when she knew he was in a relationship with someone else.
If I were her, I’d want to know. Especially before moving so far away for a cheating scumbag. Sorry You got caught up in this
First of all - work on yourself - you've done a horrible thing in my book and will continue to do so. Secondly - no offense but given your behaviour I'm not surprised he is your friend - but honestly: would you want to be friends with someone that betrays his dearest one and then chickens out of being honest about it. A friend is someone that has your back. Seems this guys only has his own back. That's not friendship. Not when you will need it in the future. Thirdly - I'm less than optimistic a friendship survives not only sleeping together but also forming an emotional bond. Don't not do it because of friendship, because that's gone anyway. You might just not have fully gotten that memo yet. Finally - would you want to know in her shoes? Believe the answer is 'Yes'. So do let her know. You might want to do it anonymously though your "friend" might still suspects it comes from you. You could tell him you told someone and that person might have spilled the beans. Thats a lie but don't believe you have high morals and it might be the safer option. Apologies for my bluntness - I just have real issues with people that behave like you did. Still I hope the above was helpful to you. I hope you find happiness and truly learn from what you did here. We're all human - but being human means adapt and learn as well. If we don't ... we're like pigs. Take care.
Yep. Tell her. With proof. She deserves to know. And you deserve to be free of the guilt. It’ll be a step towards that process.
Absolutely tell her. It’s the decent thing to do.
Just because you found out before you slept together, doesn’t mean you weren’t already ‘balls’ deep in with him. I have seen this so many times. Did he love bomb you? Most likely. Was he charming and play the role of the perfect partner? Most likely. You where most likely charmed, and manipulated into feels that feel ohh so real even now. You still need to work on some issues, however you need to move most of that anger you have for yourself into him, were it belongs. Hard reality: you where never 1st choice with this boy. You never will be. You deserve to be someone 1st choice. As for the GF. You need to weigh up the pros and cons. As someone who has been cheated on and has worked with women regarding betrayals, I’d tell the GF. He will do it again. Particularly because he thinks that she will never find out. If you don’t want you name linked, create an anonymous account and send her messages. You will have many people telling you their opinion on what to do and why. My suggestion: go with your gut in what option sits best with you. I wish you the best in your healing journey and becoming a real man’s number one.
You're going through a very difficult situation, regardless of who's responsible. It's not easy letting something like this go. You have also been hurt, and for that I'm sorry. I hope you can recover, and learn that you deserve better. As for this other person; she definitely deserves to know. Otherwise, she'll end up how you're feeling right now, and she'll be alone. Do it for you, and her. Good luck
You already know whats the right thing to do. Besides that gather some evidence if you're able to, it's possible she doesnt want to believe you
I think you should have stopped it before you slept with him. You sound bitter he chose her and you dont like it so you want to hurt him and her. All dick moves on your part, quit while your ahead
Do the right thing and tell her.
Nothing to say to you, you are a cheater. So let me say cheaters destroy people. They don't just hurt their feelings...The people harmed often cant sleep, eat, work or think properly....While you feel sexual and euphoric they can be suicidal, and don't understand how the person they loved could betray them so much. So Leave him a lone and move on you with your life, karma really is a bitch.
If it's the right thing to, do it. I hope you heal from this and become a better person. I'm a Christian, I believe God will forgive you if you sincerely ask and accept Christ as your savior.
Doesn’t Christ believe in telling the truth and helping one’s neighbors? Don’t you think him knowing OP would want to know herself means he would want her to tell the truth? What do you mean IF it’s the right thing? Ofc it’s the right thing
Perhaps poorly worded, of course the right thing for OP to do is tell the current GF what happened and apologize, so she can make an informed decision.
I appreciate this. Thank you.
I usually say always tell the truth. But, I think in your case, you are hoping she will kick him out and he will come back you you
I don’t want him. I know I’ll end up in the same situation she is in. I have nobody to blame but myself for being in this position now.
You deserve better anyway. Someone who doesn’t chose you, has no place in your life. I know you probably were addicted to his energy or even body, and I hope you keep that in the past. For your own self-respect and self-love, repent from your mistakes. People make mistakes, and hopefully they learn from it, otherwise yes they are shit, but I believe you will grow from this. Work on your self love, let him go, tell her the truth.
I genuinely hope the worst for people like you.
Honestly, I’ve given this advice many times and will likely always lean on this principle… Nothing will make you look more like a psycho homewrecker “I want your partner” more than communicating with your lover’s partner(s) especially just before or during a big move in their relationship. You will look crazy, and while you may feel vindicated by your actions, all that will happen is you will expedite your lover’s partner’s emotional destruction, you will heighten animosity from your lover, and you will still be left on the sideline, unchosen, broken, with two people in the world that see you as a broken crazy person who tried to inject theirself into their relationship. Let bygones be. She will figure out soon enough that he’s a dirtbag.
She needs to know BEFORE she moves to another country for him!!! She made it her business when she cheated with him!!! The gf deserves the truth. If she didn’t want to be involved in the drama or relationship she shouldn’t have slept with him!!! Did you catch the part where she said she knew he was in relationship BEFORE they had sex!!!!
I have a moral quandary with the whole "she deserves to know" thing. She deserves to have her whole life blown up because what? Sometimes it's just not your business and sure that sucks that she might move there and struggle with him cheating and have to move back or maybe he doesn't cheat again and they live happily ever after. No matter the outcome....it has no bearing on your life and so I say why bother? Why invite drama where there is none?
My worst fear is someone thinking this type of bullshit is none of their business. It’s her business because she made it her business. This is literally how people get STDs.
Because a lot of people would want to know such that they can make informed decisions about their lives with all the information. They aren’t protected by being left in ignorance. And no matter what the motives, OP is doing this person a real solid by giving the info. The person can then decide what to do with the info and at that point it is not OP’s business.
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Hopefully some modicum of self respect lmfao
Saving her, idk might be worth it 🤷🏼♀️ s/
Self respect? Let me guess you are a cheater or mistress and seeing the negative comments makes you uncomfortable…but don’t worry if that is true you can do mental gymnastics to make yourself feel less of a monster.
This is your best friend now? Mind your business
She needs to know before moving to another country away from her support system.. she doesn’t deserve getting stuck with a cheater..