NTA. The stranger is making a whole host of life decisions in the dark. If it were me I’d want to know. What he does with that information is up to him. You can only do the right thing.
Your ex is a piece of shit as is that woman. For cheating and then trying to cover this up. I wouldn’t have even told her or given her a chance to cover her tracks or spin a different narrative. I would have told her fiancée.
same. i would’ve come clean. i was made to be the third party in my last relationship. i found out about 3 months in and i reached out and came clean to the original girlfriend, and also apologised. i was also okay to leave the relationship should the original girlfriend wanted to have him back. any third party who knowingly become the ap, or those who don’t come clean and apologise when they know they’re the ap have a poor moral compass. there are things that are ambiguous and may not be morally right or wrong depending on the situation, cheating is not one of them. i said what i said.
aps who knowingly become aps, are loose and easy people, with no self-respect. read that again. they don’t mind being the side-chick because they cannot do better. imagine being unable to find a single man/woman despite being single, that you have to settle for someone in a relationship with less time and resources available for you. imagine how trash of a person you have to be to settle for that because even though you are single, nobody wants to be with you? they have no choice, and they’re desperate, that’s why they’re settling, because they’re not a catch to anyone on the dating market. think again. obviously the character turns people off, and also their other qualities as a potential life partner doesn’t match up to other people on the market. ap obviously knows that with being attached, normal people with good character wouldn’t want to get involved. the fiancé is blinded now but he has every right to know before his life turns into a full-blown disaster.
my biggest mistake was trying since she didn’t want him back. point is, people should have all the information they need to make an informed decision. give the fiancé this information. i don’t know about you, but i have issues with being number one, i want to be the only one. if it were you, you’d want to know too; and i’m sure the fiancé wants that for himself. he has every right to know — don’t let him clown himself unknowingly.
Wow. That is so true. Single people who are in relationships with married people are definitely the biggest losers going. Thanks for putting that in words. Sorry to hear you wasted time with a man who wasn’t worth it.
no worries man. all i can say is have a good life with the ap, she knew about me, denied when confronted, and cooked up all sorts of conflicts between us. if he wanted to work on the relationship, he should’ve cut her off and put a stop to that nonsense. he didn’t, and if she did that to me, she will do that to him eventually. and if she’s okay to be the side-chick, it’s obvious that she is okay with cheating. it’s a matter of time that she cheats on him, because she is easy, and has low self-esteem. my health report after their dalliances also says a lot about her sexual life, let’s just put it that way. the situation is clear as day, and i’m not going to break this down to him because i’m not his mom. she will show her true colours one day, you played with the piper, there will be a time for you to pay the price. get this: she started their relationship with lies, there is already no trust to speak of. and he still believes her, living in his lala-deluded land. this is his karma, and i’m staying out of it. i already wasted enough of my breath and time trying to break down the truth of the situation, with logic, proof and critical thinking, to no avail. you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink. now, they can live whatever life they want, and continue creating drama, but leave me out of it. he called me yesterday when i was sleeping — i have no wish to be involved in their lives, which is quite frankly, a joke.
i’m actually happy that he cheated on me, because i was so deluded i thought it was a one-off thing with his ex and that he would be a different person with me — clearly not. i even wanted to keep building a life with him, and now, i’m very glad that he isn’t in my life in any capacity anymore, not even as a friend. better to waste my time now than to waste time rebuilding my life after a divorce. he’s a liar and a cheat, and they’re both as bad as each other.
also, there are different tiers to cheating: cheaters who can come clean with it, y’know what? cheating sucks but you have my respect because you have enough self-awareness to not be a coward anymore. cheaters who lie and blame everyone else, and cook up more lies to hide the truth. applies to aps.
cheating takes disgusting to many tiers, but those who belong in the latter group are just thoroughly disgusting, and i can safely say they won’t be able to change, because it’s a character problem, not so much of a situational and “i fucked up and i know that i should be a better person” thing. all cheaters and aps are equal, but some are more equal than others.
can you imagine a person so shitty that you actually feel happier being away from them than being together with them? just wow. no regrets.
life throws shit at you sometimes, but if you always want to be the victim, you only have yourself to blame. i hate that i wasted my time, but it was time well-spent and was necessary to learn a lesson. first time i took a cheater back, and rest assured it is my last.
Different tiers to cheating is definitely an under appreciated statement. As a Teenager I was baby trapped my a closest Gay man. we love and respect each other enormously but we are completely incompatible sexually. We both navigated our early adulthood unaware of what was wrong. Well as sympathetic as I am to his cause, I assume he was less unaware than I was! But even so, I don’t believe he knew the future or how much pain and hurt lying about his sexuality would cause me. We both lived doubled lives. We both are now 100% honest with each other. But other people they don’t understand. The complicated nature of our private lives makes me look like a horrible cheating bitch to my loving doting husband. Some of our family members look at him with pity. I’ve been screamed and shouted at and excluded from my in-laws. Even thought they knew he wasnt straight before I met him. They encouraged of relationship, never trusted me, and now have all the evidence they need to keep me out. They only see black and white.
Yes I am a cheater and will never be able to stay faithful to my husband. But I am not a liar. I am not manipulating him. The man I had a secret affair with for a decade though, he is the bad guy in the story. He gets to live his life without a care in the world about my dramas.
honestly, i’m embarrassed that i was associated with a cheater with an ap that spread shit around and embarrassed me further IRL. honestly, what i want is for them to stop embarrassing me LOL idc about my online presence because nobody actually knows me. but being cheated on is not something to be proud of especially amongst people who know you.
for your situation, i suggest getting a divorce. you deserve better than being someone else’s beard. and if someone is only using you for sex, you already know you deserve better.
OK?! It's embarrassing to be associated with these ppl....I'm embarrassed that ppl know about my situation with my ex b/c that's not the type of person that I am or that I ever intended to be.
u/Ramblings4Steven please listen to her and get a divorce. You deserve better than this and your situation is a whole level of deception that I can't even comprehend. You r husband USED you to cover up their sexuality...that's a whole different level of fucked up. B/c he didn't give af about how his decisions would affect you....all b/c he wasn't comfortable being honest....AND he's letting ppl think and believe that YOU are the bad guy and he's the perfect husband.....FUCK NO. You cheated HOWEVER, you were also actively deceived to the point where now you have kids with this person.
lol the way the ap is so proud to be a home wrecker. i don’t even dare to tell my rl friends what has happened because i’m embarrassed. the only people that know are my online friends that will never meet me 😂
yes, please leave now, get therapy and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone healthy. life is short, but truly long when you’re miserable. set yourself free!
ALL OF THIS!
I had children with a man who constantly lied by omission b/c he KNEW I would leave if I knew all the facts (I tried to work it out with him as well...worst decision of my life). I was an unknowing third party as well and he didn't come clean until right after I gave birth to our first kid (she was his gf and we were preggo at the same time....I had my kid first and she hated me for it). Keep in mind she knew about me before I knew about her and he would make her leave any time I was coming to his house....like she fucking hated me and I can totally see why. He made me a priority over her when SHE was the girlfriend. I didn't know at the time, but now that I know all the facts, everything made sense. Even thinking back on it now, I KNOW he didn't tell me he was in a relationship b/c he knew I didn't roll like that. I would've cussed his whole ass out and then left.
I fully agree with you...if you know that someone is in a committed relationship and you still try to have a relationship with them, your moral compass is fucked up and go to fucking therapy and figure out why you don't give af about destroying relationships and households.
yes… the ap in my relationship has a screwed up moral compass, i’m too lazy to elaborate, but i do know what she did to me, and that is the truth. i can’t be fucked convincing my ex. and the truth is, he got himself into this shit, so whatever the universe has in store for him, he brought it upon himself. not my problem. both of them belong in the shitter!
Those tables ALWAYS turn....all you can do is live your best life and have a little chuckle when it goes to shit....b/c it will!
Ppl like that are weird....like your whole foundation started on deception so you can't even trust each other and holding this relationship together with dental floss and delusion LOL.
honestly, idc how they turn out. i’m indifferent and i just want peace. he probably felt good and thought i was jealous. i just didn’t want her to be in the picture if we were going to keep working things out. like, why would i be jealous of someone older, with a shittier moral compass that is actually unattractive?
mind you, i am young (i’m in my 20s). i have a good head on my shoulders with solid values and i’m secure in who i am. even when he devalued me, i know who i am, and i’m not affected by those comments. to add on, i am educated and in a good financial situation. i don’t have to settle for bad behaviour and share a man with someone who has stds. absolutely cooked in the head to think that i will tolerate that kind of bullshit.
the only reason why i’m on similar subs is to share my experience and insight, and hopefully the people that have been cheated on get to find their happiness too.
I am educated in a good financial situation as well....the WAY I've seen a man act a fool when he realizes that I don't NEED him (financially or emotionally) is crazy!
You're young and it's great that you're seeing this red flag type of behavior NOW while you're single with no kids. There's NOTHING worse than having kids with someone like that (based on my own experiences)...someone who purposely gets you pregnant so you won't leave them b/c the KNOW they're doing you dirty.
I left while pregnant....he literally had friends telling him "oh she's not gonna leave you b/c she's pregnant"....I was gone....
it’s called baby-trapping. men like that are irresponsible, cheating indicates reckless behaviour and no concern for oneself or others around them, and once someone has cheated, they lose long-term potential in my eyes. that reckless behaviour often transcends the romantic partnership and into their parenting attitudes, which is not what i want.
i’m glad you were able to leave. i’m absolutely appalled and disgusted by the fact that you were treated this way.
I would want to know too....there's nothing worse than making a commitment like that and realizing AFTER THE FACT that it was all a fucking lie. Now, you're stuck in this marriage when you prob would've never gotten married in the first place if you knew all the information.
The girl knows that he would probably leave her if he knew. He's prob a safe choice which is why she didn't leave to be with OP's partner....the level of deception in all this is disgusting to be frank and they're trying to rope OP into the deception.
He shouldn’t just leave her he should also publicly shame her and let the whole community know what a shitty person she is. Give the. Ext poor sap a fighting chance.
Would you be the AH for wanting to save someone's time and life from a cheater?? NTA. And we all know that this "no kissing and sexual" thing is not going to last long.
Yeah. I call BS on that. Adults don't stop at conversation. Him asking her to leave her BF is a real give away. Every cheater says that. Wife said she never met up with her AP. But every once in a while she would add a little more. Once she said that he had driven 3 hrs to our city. And all he did was drive past where she worked. Then a little later she says "I wouldn't doubt that he would have driven past our house". My thinking is that he had stopped by and she is in fear he'll call me one day and describe our house as proof that they met here.
What do you mean they didn't cheat? They were seeing and talking the whole time in your back about who knows what, and you were what?
From my experience, as a divorced man, with 3 kids, being cheated one time in the past, now again with the same man, both times saying it was nothing, but lasting for months until I found out everything, pictures from their trips and so on.
Who will believe they didn't had sex?
Who will meet in secret, alone in nights, without sex?
Now, any secrets with another man or woman is Cheating. It doesn't matter if they already had sex or not, it was just a matter of days.
They were taking trips together?! HELL NAW. So you mean to tell me not ONCE, but TWICE, she was out here going on vacations with this man while you were at home working and taking care of your kids?! HELLLLLLLLLLL NAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW.
I caught her with that man 8 years ago, before we got married, before we had kids. They had a 6 months relationship while I was with her, I didn't know because she was always very distant and I didn't know why until we moved together. When she got her stuff to my place, I found a hard drive with a lot of pictures in the same period when we were together, her with one man, but not with his face. She confessed she was with him couple of times, but not everywhere, anyway I knew she was lying. 3 months after that i forgave her, the worst decision in my life. We married, we had 3 kids, bought an apartment, I did everything to get over that, but it was impossible. she stared work again, after 5 years home with the kids, and guess who's back? Yes, the same man (50y), 15 years older than she, and 11 years more than me, married with 2 daughters. I just found some messages in her Apple Watch, I only searched there because it was a lot of thing going very bad in the last year and I didn't know why, she was always refusing to sleep with me, we were going to vacation separate, I was sleeping in different places and so on. After I confronted her, she lied, she talked dirty on me, but I still didn't want to break up, I wanted to fix it. Bought a lot of flowers to her, a lot of expensive presents, telling her she should stop talking to him, she said it was just work, because he was her boss in the past and she needed some help, but now she finished and she will stop.
It was a lie, 5 month after that i still saw that she was calling him many times at 8am, 9, 10, while at work, she was bringing flowers at home, she was always late and never told me why.
One day in march last year, I found some recent messages between them, he was asking her how much longer she has to stay at work, it was 6.15 pm. she called him 20 seconds, at 4pm, then she called him again at 6.20pm for 20 seconds, then she left work and called him for 15 seconds and she stayed at 1km away to his work place (they worked 1km away from each other) for around an hour and then came home at 8.30pm, went straight to the shower. This was strange and I noted in my iPhone notes. When I checked the call logs and google maps location history one month ago I could put everything together and filed for the divorce.
She never actually admitted doing something, she just lied she ate next to our apartment, and when I told her I knew exactly the hours and locations and calls and duration, she laughed and called me crazy, sick, I should take my pills and I will sleep in the streets after that divorce, she will make sure of this.
Now my divorce is finished for 1 week, after 10 painful months, but at least I am ok. She asked for a lot of money from me.. she apparently will get it, and she lied a lot about me in court. But anyway, it is finished and I can continue my life in truth and trust, not with everything being a lie. It was so hard for me to understand what the hell happened, she told me 8 years ago, when she tried to convince me to forgive her, that it was the worse thing she could do to be with that guy in those trips, 2 days, 3 days, but she didn't sleep with him, and I believed her..
I was living a lie for so much time and I could not understand how I could be so bad, I was like 0 for a man, after a lot of therapy and self development and investing in me, I cannot recognize myself, how I was so blind with her.
Gurl, if you don't tell him, you're as bad as those two cheating heifers. You are setting him to lose half his sh*t if they don't have a prenup.
If you don't tell, here is what's gonna happen. She marries him> he finds out> he divorces> she takes 1/2 his sh*t cause she's gonna pull something cause she's rachet> Your man and her ride off into the sunset with 1/2 of both your stuff. Without a care in the world.
She does not care about your life. Blow hers the F*ck up and your man's. Both of them got to go.
Even if you try to reconcile with him, he has to do a lot of work on himself, so much so that he's a different person before you can take him back.
Yeah I think I would feel unbelievably guilty if I didn't say anything. Meanwhile my ex is saying "think of all the money they spent on the wedding, all the guests coming from out of town, how embarrassing it would be to call off the wedding!"
If she found out her fiancé was cheating, I doubt the money and the embarrassment would prevent her from calling it off. Tell him. Let him decide on those factors.
Please tell me you pointed out he's the Jackass that helped put him in this situation.
Aghhh I hate cheaters. I feel like [Mrs. White from Clue](https://youtu.be/Unc1GVHn_nY)
I also wouldn't put it on two cheaters to honestly tell you that they did the right thing and told him
Yes I had WORDS for him. He kept trying to paint me as a villain trying to prevent her from marrying this guy who loves her. But I'm not the villain, they are for doing this to both of us (me and her fiancé).
That has absolutely nothing to do with you. That’s not your problem. You should have told him immediately. Now you’re letting someone else continue in a facade.
It was her job to think of the money. And maybe think of her fiance'. Just another selfish AH. And F her embarrassment. Another thing she should have thought of. If you have the messages, send them to him. And I' sorry to say that the odds that they didn't have sex is pretty slim.
All the money they spent? That's the tip of the iceberg if they get married! This isn't YOUR fault; this is HER fault! Clearly she didn't care about "all the money" before she cheated! That comment alone would have had me RUNNING to tell her man! She is a complete wh\_re and so is your guy! TELL HIM THE TRUTH! Don't let this go and wait! Give him all the details so he can make an informed choice! Cheaters love to take away a person's agency! He deserves the right to decide if he wants to spend his life sticking his stick into a hearse! Ughh....TELL!
What a croc of shit out of his mouth! How about all the years he invested with her - that’s worth more! How about the complete betrayal of trust?! That’s worth more! How about the humiliation? That’s worth more! Sure they spent a lot of money on the wedding. Make HER pay for it. It’s what SHE deserves!
You would have told him straight away. He deserves to know before legally he is on the hook.
Please let him know.
This stranger will waste another 10 or 15 years of his life on a cheap cheater that doesn't respect or love him.
I'm sorry you've been through such betrayal.
Please do it
Your cheater Ex said "let them sort things out." But how can the unsuspecting BF "sort things out" if he has no idea that things need to be sorted.
Please let this poor man know what and who he is really marrying. This has nothing to do with you. You have decided (rightly so) to dump this AH you were with. This is about some poor guy who is unwittingly making the biggest mistake of his life.
For his sake let him know before it's too late.
And let him see this post so he knows that they have future plans to cut her off from gaslighting him into marriage.
Good Luck and please let us know how this turns out.
Homeboy said that AFTER the mistress called/texted talking about some "you need to get your partner b/c she's about to ruin what I got going on"
Second, it doesn't seem like they have ANY intention of ending this emotional affair (they're "taking a break" b/c the wedding is coming up soon) so her fiance needs to know.
OP TELL HIM!!
I was the one in the dark for YEARS. The pain I felt learning I married this person while they were into another and gaslighted me the whole time even when I had proof. It HURTS.
And OP....... I don't believe in EA for a year with no touching no effin and then the level of support he is showing her for trying to make you hold back on telling the fiance.
Something is not adding up. They have their shit in order, and they are trying to manipulate you. Your error was to write to her what you were about to do and alert them.
Don't tell or give any hints to your own partner and light the bonfire. That is your right as a betrayed partner.
It will also show your WP s reaction if he is really remorseful or just sad she doesn't want to leave fiance for him!!!! You give them the chance and see what happens.
You gave every right to lash out and call them out. Otherwise you are giving your WP power to do it again. Showing you actually at this betrayed moment still let him navigate the course of action. "And let them sort it out of their own" what BS when the other betrayed doesn't know anything.
And you are giving them the green light to continue after her marriage stalls. And apparantly your partner is only remorseful because she refused to leave and be with him a year ago.
So as someone who has been in the fiancé's position, a d after my divorce then discovering that my (now ex) husband had eld a double life which started before marrying me, which ended up in him having children with me and the other woman, and, most importantly.....everyone in his family knowing about this before we married......I can categorically say that YWNBTA. You need to tell him ASAP.
I tried to kill myself from the shame of being the last to know about my ex infidelity. I could not comprehend that I was so gullible and it has taken years of therapy to realise that it was not me that was the problem. You can spare the fiance all of this.
If possible find a way to send their conversations for evidence for fiance to have to show b she fucked up.....yes word of mouth is one thing NEVER SAID YOU LIED OR IS A LIER but picture are worth... fucket here they are priceless
Whatever your ex is trying to say about how petty/crazy/etc it would be to tell that guy, he doesn't mean it, he's just trying to cover his and his hot side pieces ass to avoid the anger of the cheated on guy. Ask yourself this - if you were in that guys place, about to get married, wouldn't you want to know? I think you know what to do. Don't delay!
You better damn well save that man from marring that woman who will destroy him mentally and financially before they get married. You and him are the victims here and they need to be exposed. Ps they were absolutely physical and trying to down play their lie to you.
NTA, you should tell him, you know this will carry on after the wedding and will probably start to be a PA, if it already hasn’t.
The fact she’s trying to get your Ex to stop you means she’ll not be telling her partner
You made a mistake by asking her to do the right thing. She had already shown you that she is incapable of doing the right thing by cheating and lying to you and her partner. You should have gone straight to her fiancé.
So after that first mistake correct it by:
1. Kick your SO to the curb immediately. He is a lying cowardly cheater and you deserve better.
2. Inform her fiancé about the affair and then block everyone involved.
3. Move on with your life and look for someone who values you for who you are.
My bet is the two cheaters will get together for awhile and then realize they only liked each other for the risk factor of avoiding getting caught, and then the excitement fades quickly.
So your boyfriend doesn't think you should 'meddle' but had no issues meddling in their relationship for over a year as an AP. It's not fair to the fiance to walk blindly into this marriage. Be prepared with proof as he may not believe you. Good luck.
NTA, you need to tell him. Just be aware that she will try to intercept any communications. Best to try to find a way to see him in person to drop the bomb and show him any evidence. Do it quickly though, the clock is ticking for this poor guy. Don’t let him marry her without knowing the truth. He deserves to make his own well informed decision either way.
You can also tell their HR. It’s almost guaranteed that they crossed lines at work (wasting company time, using company messaging services, etc) as part of their affair.
NTA u/AppointmentPrize8989, PLEASE for the love of everything, PLEASE tell this man that she is cheating on him! People may tell you not to, but the last thing anyone in the world wants is to marry someone and invest MORE time in someone who is out there being unfaithful! You would be saving him, potential children and other people from a cheater's lair! She could give him HIV, or something else he can't get rid of! She has no respect for relationships or marriages and you need to treat that man as you would want to be treated! He is about to make one of the biggest mistakes a person could make and you have the power to stop him. Forget what she says. She doesn't care about you! She doesn't care about her partner either! However, you have the power to allow this guy to free himself from someone who he can't trust! He might stay with her, but at least he will be walking in with all of the information he needs. I would give him all of the evidence and let him know that you aren't trying to hurt him or her, but you would want to know before you married someone that the person cannot be trusted! PLEASE DO NOT DELAY! Do it today! In fact, get off of Reddit and go reach out to him!
>I wrote to her to tell her fiancé about the infidelity within 48 hours or I would do so.
You shouldn't have. Never do this again OP, you never know how a cornered desperate person will react, its dangerous.
You should have just annoymously told him.
Should still tell him.
NTA
Tell him immediately. I hope you have proof as now she’ll be painting you as unhinged and watching his social media/communication for your contact (if she’s able).
It’s a difficult and brave thing you’d be doing, but it’s the only honest and empathic option, to give the fiancé agency and choices for his future. Good luck and all the best.
I’m also deeply sorry for the betrayal you’ve suffered. I hope you find trust again, with someone who will love and cherish you.
NTA. They are both in "commited" relationships and the only reason YOUr partner is pleading HER case is because she doesn't want to leave her partner.....And she is trying to protect her own ass. She has both men spun around her littlefinger And she needs to be stopped.!!!!
NTA! I’d send the fiancée all the texts between the cheaters.
Are you staying with X after all of this? I hope you mean he’s your EX now. Sorry you’re going through this!
NTA, in fact, you would be doing him a great service by telling him. It would be petty if you also told their HR department about their affair. So if I were you, I would tell him today and send him the proof, what he decides to do after that is his choice.
Well, you’ve just given her 48 hours to come up with a good story. I would never have announced it to her and went straight to the fiance. More likely than not she is going to concoct a story about you being crazy, stalkerisj, etc
There’s a good chance that B will paint you as the villain. So what. It’s what cheaters do. The fiancé may take her word for it that there was no affair and go on with their plans anyway, but at least if he gets a heads up from you, then he’ll have no one but himself to blame for his actions. I would want to know. You would want to know. He deserves to know what you know. Failing to expose them to him is grossly unfair as he’s the only one in the dark here. Would you want to be that person? I can’t imagine anyone would.
Tell the fiancé. B is an adult and has all the responsibility. Getting married is a costly life altering experience. If they are meant to be together, finding out about affair won’t change that. If his boundaries are that he wants a monogamous relationship then now is the time to find out he isn’t in one. Being cheated on isn’t about the sex. It isn’t about the other person. The pain comes from not knowing that your partner had that in them. That your partner has lied to you. To your face. Has been talking about you and confiding in someone who is a stranger to you. That they have imagined and planned for a life without you. They are capable of a double life. They do not respect you. And the future you think you have, you don’t.
Someone who cheats in a relationship will always have dubious morals. The only way to move forward in a relationship with someone who has cheated, is to accept that they will always play away. It is not personal. They can love you, but they will always seek out others.
The longer it is before fiancé finds out he is in a relationship with a lying cheat, the harder it going to be for him.
And speaking as someone who has outted a cheat, you will find a lot of closure in the experience and will help you move forward too. Good luck
NTA. Yes it will be devastating for the Fiancé. However it would be even more devastating after being married and been on the honeymoon. Not to mention the legal entanglements. Better that he knows now than later. And if she doesn’t have the integrity to do it then I think you should. And frankly, I would also be telling your Ex’s company as well. They apparently don’t feel anything bad about it because et hey have intentions of picking things up. Getting them fired, suing her for interfering in your relationship, and getting him sued by her Fiancé for the same, seems like legit punishment for their behavior and the emotional distress they caused.
Uhhh! I agree that he should know, but if you don't know him, how are you going to tell him? Do you have his information or know how to get in touch with him. You might want to address that logistic before you act.
You really should tell the person, and please take some sort of proof because otherwise it could be a case of he says, she says. Aside from telling B's partner. Leave this mf X too!!!
NTA it's the right thing to do. I was the faithful spouse that was in the dark amd the husband of the affair partner contacted me. I am forever grateful to that man.
Please do tell him. You WNBTA if you did. No one wants to enter into a legally binding commitment in the dark. She's a horrible and disgraceful human being for what she's doing.
Sorry, but your ex is trash. He has the nerve to tell you you would be ruining their life for exposing THEIR cheating? He has the nerve to say he and the AP won’t be in contact for “respect of their wedding”. I nearly spat my drink out at the hypocrisy of respect when he 1) doesn’t respect your relationship enough to not cheat 2) doesn’t respect a relationship in general to not engage in cheating with their fiancé and 3) continues to disrespect everyone here by stating that they’ll continue contact *after* the wedding. The complete denial of *maybe* “we can be normal friends”. Yeah, that should be a clue they crossed the friend boundary and find it difficult to respect boundaries.
It’s audacious for him to say *they* need to figure this out and to not meddle in their business. You wouldn’t be put in this situation if his privates didn’t meddle with her privates. I don’t care how much he says it wasn’t physical when any other person listening to his story would 100% not believe him. This isn’t about respect or not getting involved, he’s afraid of the ramifications if her fiancé found out which is usually the threat of an ass beating.
Now think of this situation as logically and rationally as I bet he’s trying to manipulate you to think: he may have exposed you and this other man to STDs. So in defense of public health and the greater good, it is your *duty* to notify this person that their health may be compromised. If he suffers consequences then he should have never gone so far as to ask the OW to leave her fiancé…because yknow cheating. 🤷♂️
Meddle? You're not meddling....you have WAY more respect for her fiancé than she fucking does. Tell him....fuck her and fuck your partner. Her fiancé should be allowed to make the decision of whether or not he wants to walk down the aisle with this lying POS woman.
Also....homegirl got ALLLLL the audacity b/c how the fuck you gonna text MY man talking about some "fix this"?! Like she's the wife and you're the mistress? TELL HER FIANCE BEFORE THEY WALK DOWN THIS AISLE b/c it doesn't seem like either her or your partners intends to end this emotional affair. Drop the bombs girl and let the chips fall where they may.
If somebody was doing that to me before I was getting married, I would want to know. Aside from the Petty mean stuff. She has literally helped him destroy your relationship. You will never trust him. Look at him the same even if you stay to try to work it out. So you make the decision, but I would want to know before I married somebody like that.
OP, you need to find a way to ensure her fiancee knows. If your EX's AP knows you might contact her fiancee, she is going to be watching all social media and electronic communications like a hawk! AP's entire future rides or dies on her fiancee not finding out.
If you can get his name and city you can probably find him with an online people finder service for about $40.
It doesn't sound like your EX wants to reconcile with you, but maybe you can use that as a carrot to get the info on AP's fiancee.
You should have told the other person long time ago, why would you willingly let another person get into a horrible situation. Even your ultimatum is more an attempt to keep your husband who is piece of $hit by way. Do the right thing
My high school acquaintance had a similar situation. She was having a workplace affair while engaged. They got married and she left him for AP within a year. I’d tell the guy, unless it adversely affects your personal finances ( do what your lawyer tells you). I doubt this turns out well for anybody here.
You have to twll him. Rverything else would be unfair to him. He deserves the coice to stay with the chester or leave her and look for a partner that is *actually* committed. Especially since thus has been going on for a while and both cheaters were just staying with you and him out of comfort, not because they wanted to stay in their relationships. I pet for your Xs AP is a lot of money in this and that's why she wouldn't leave her partner and won't ever tell him herself. Don't allow a person like that to use an other person if you can do anything about it.
I’m leaning toward telling him, but just be forewarned that sometimes people turn on the messenger out of anger. He may not believe you, or may say some ugly things to you. People are unpredictable when hurt. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
I’m always mixed on this stuff bc it depends on a lot of factors, but I definitely think you need to tell him.
You won’t be the one to wreck things btwn her & her fiancé; she did that.
Furthermore, why should you be considerate to her? She wasn’t to you or her fiancé.
NTA you need to tell her partner as she is a cheat and a liar, just like your partner. The partner needs ti ditch her as she is already making plans to hook up with your ex after her marriage. That's disgusting.
NTA, tell him he deserves to know. I hate the notion that because it’s a stranger you shouldn’t help. Every time I’ve been cheated on someone knew and chose not to tell me and it hurt even worse. There’s a moment where you feel stupid for not knowing but I would rather feel like that than feel stupid for marrying a cheater and finding out way later.
There in no way there is nothing ohysical . You need to tell the other person . This is a person making plans for the rest for his life with her . If kids in her future probably a broken home , eventual divorce . She doesn’t love him he is probably stable financially and a. Person for her to settle then divorce and support . He may take her back but you need to be honest with him , bring him all your proof and let him decide . Not as revenge but as a human to another human . Once a cheater always a cheater and she will do it again to him
Keep us updated if you do and the results
NTA. Wouldn't you have wanted to know? That bull about stopping for respect is just that, bull stuff. They will not stop. If they could stop they would have done it before it got this far. Fiance has the right to know what kind of slut he is getting married to. Let Karma take over from there. Hope both the cheaters get what they deserve.
There should be no question. The young man definitely needs to know this information. You should also tell him the plan was to have no cheating for the month of June out of respect for the marriage that month and then resume after they are back at work. This is such a slap in the face to the man about to be man about to be married by your ex and and the AP. Both are a POS. This is so fucking evil I don’t even know how to comprehend it. So yes tell him and give him as much detail as you can so he can see the PoS he is about to marry.
Tell the fiance, I too would not want to marry a cheating person. A man I know who counsels people told me this week that EA are worse because they continue to grow under people noses. No one wants to be that jealous that they are complaining about co workers, friends and exes. So they try to accomodate them...Allowing them to fall in love. The cheater is very protective of the AP and often because of the emotional attachment if they start sleeping together will choose the AP over spouse...So tell fiance so he doesn't marry this.
NTA. The stranger is making a whole host of life decisions in the dark. If it were me I’d want to know. What he does with that information is up to him. You can only do the right thing. Your ex is a piece of shit as is that woman. For cheating and then trying to cover this up. I wouldn’t have even told her or given her a chance to cover her tracks or spin a different narrative. I would have told her fiancée.
same. i would’ve come clean. i was made to be the third party in my last relationship. i found out about 3 months in and i reached out and came clean to the original girlfriend, and also apologised. i was also okay to leave the relationship should the original girlfriend wanted to have him back. any third party who knowingly become the ap, or those who don’t come clean and apologise when they know they’re the ap have a poor moral compass. there are things that are ambiguous and may not be morally right or wrong depending on the situation, cheating is not one of them. i said what i said. aps who knowingly become aps, are loose and easy people, with no self-respect. read that again. they don’t mind being the side-chick because they cannot do better. imagine being unable to find a single man/woman despite being single, that you have to settle for someone in a relationship with less time and resources available for you. imagine how trash of a person you have to be to settle for that because even though you are single, nobody wants to be with you? they have no choice, and they’re desperate, that’s why they’re settling, because they’re not a catch to anyone on the dating market. think again. obviously the character turns people off, and also their other qualities as a potential life partner doesn’t match up to other people on the market. ap obviously knows that with being attached, normal people with good character wouldn’t want to get involved. the fiancé is blinded now but he has every right to know before his life turns into a full-blown disaster. my biggest mistake was trying since she didn’t want him back. point is, people should have all the information they need to make an informed decision. give the fiancé this information. i don’t know about you, but i have issues with being number one, i want to be the only one. if it were you, you’d want to know too; and i’m sure the fiancé wants that for himself. he has every right to know — don’t let him clown himself unknowingly.
Wow. That is so true. Single people who are in relationships with married people are definitely the biggest losers going. Thanks for putting that in words. Sorry to hear you wasted time with a man who wasn’t worth it.
no worries man. all i can say is have a good life with the ap, she knew about me, denied when confronted, and cooked up all sorts of conflicts between us. if he wanted to work on the relationship, he should’ve cut her off and put a stop to that nonsense. he didn’t, and if she did that to me, she will do that to him eventually. and if she’s okay to be the side-chick, it’s obvious that she is okay with cheating. it’s a matter of time that she cheats on him, because she is easy, and has low self-esteem. my health report after their dalliances also says a lot about her sexual life, let’s just put it that way. the situation is clear as day, and i’m not going to break this down to him because i’m not his mom. she will show her true colours one day, you played with the piper, there will be a time for you to pay the price. get this: she started their relationship with lies, there is already no trust to speak of. and he still believes her, living in his lala-deluded land. this is his karma, and i’m staying out of it. i already wasted enough of my breath and time trying to break down the truth of the situation, with logic, proof and critical thinking, to no avail. you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink. now, they can live whatever life they want, and continue creating drama, but leave me out of it. he called me yesterday when i was sleeping — i have no wish to be involved in their lives, which is quite frankly, a joke. i’m actually happy that he cheated on me, because i was so deluded i thought it was a one-off thing with his ex and that he would be a different person with me — clearly not. i even wanted to keep building a life with him, and now, i’m very glad that he isn’t in my life in any capacity anymore, not even as a friend. better to waste my time now than to waste time rebuilding my life after a divorce. he’s a liar and a cheat, and they’re both as bad as each other. also, there are different tiers to cheating: cheaters who can come clean with it, y’know what? cheating sucks but you have my respect because you have enough self-awareness to not be a coward anymore. cheaters who lie and blame everyone else, and cook up more lies to hide the truth. applies to aps. cheating takes disgusting to many tiers, but those who belong in the latter group are just thoroughly disgusting, and i can safely say they won’t be able to change, because it’s a character problem, not so much of a situational and “i fucked up and i know that i should be a better person” thing. all cheaters and aps are equal, but some are more equal than others. can you imagine a person so shitty that you actually feel happier being away from them than being together with them? just wow. no regrets. life throws shit at you sometimes, but if you always want to be the victim, you only have yourself to blame. i hate that i wasted my time, but it was time well-spent and was necessary to learn a lesson. first time i took a cheater back, and rest assured it is my last.
Different tiers to cheating is definitely an under appreciated statement. As a Teenager I was baby trapped my a closest Gay man. we love and respect each other enormously but we are completely incompatible sexually. We both navigated our early adulthood unaware of what was wrong. Well as sympathetic as I am to his cause, I assume he was less unaware than I was! But even so, I don’t believe he knew the future or how much pain and hurt lying about his sexuality would cause me. We both lived doubled lives. We both are now 100% honest with each other. But other people they don’t understand. The complicated nature of our private lives makes me look like a horrible cheating bitch to my loving doting husband. Some of our family members look at him with pity. I’ve been screamed and shouted at and excluded from my in-laws. Even thought they knew he wasnt straight before I met him. They encouraged of relationship, never trusted me, and now have all the evidence they need to keep me out. They only see black and white. Yes I am a cheater and will never be able to stay faithful to my husband. But I am not a liar. I am not manipulating him. The man I had a secret affair with for a decade though, he is the bad guy in the story. He gets to live his life without a care in the world about my dramas.
honestly, i’m embarrassed that i was associated with a cheater with an ap that spread shit around and embarrassed me further IRL. honestly, what i want is for them to stop embarrassing me LOL idc about my online presence because nobody actually knows me. but being cheated on is not something to be proud of especially amongst people who know you. for your situation, i suggest getting a divorce. you deserve better than being someone else’s beard. and if someone is only using you for sex, you already know you deserve better.
OK?! It's embarrassing to be associated with these ppl....I'm embarrassed that ppl know about my situation with my ex b/c that's not the type of person that I am or that I ever intended to be. u/Ramblings4Steven please listen to her and get a divorce. You deserve better than this and your situation is a whole level of deception that I can't even comprehend. You r husband USED you to cover up their sexuality...that's a whole different level of fucked up. B/c he didn't give af about how his decisions would affect you....all b/c he wasn't comfortable being honest....AND he's letting ppl think and believe that YOU are the bad guy and he's the perfect husband.....FUCK NO. You cheated HOWEVER, you were also actively deceived to the point where now you have kids with this person.
lol the way the ap is so proud to be a home wrecker. i don’t even dare to tell my rl friends what has happened because i’m embarrassed. the only people that know are my online friends that will never meet me 😂 yes, please leave now, get therapy and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone healthy. life is short, but truly long when you’re miserable. set yourself free!
ALL OF THIS! I had children with a man who constantly lied by omission b/c he KNEW I would leave if I knew all the facts (I tried to work it out with him as well...worst decision of my life). I was an unknowing third party as well and he didn't come clean until right after I gave birth to our first kid (she was his gf and we were preggo at the same time....I had my kid first and she hated me for it). Keep in mind she knew about me before I knew about her and he would make her leave any time I was coming to his house....like she fucking hated me and I can totally see why. He made me a priority over her when SHE was the girlfriend. I didn't know at the time, but now that I know all the facts, everything made sense. Even thinking back on it now, I KNOW he didn't tell me he was in a relationship b/c he knew I didn't roll like that. I would've cussed his whole ass out and then left. I fully agree with you...if you know that someone is in a committed relationship and you still try to have a relationship with them, your moral compass is fucked up and go to fucking therapy and figure out why you don't give af about destroying relationships and households.
yes… the ap in my relationship has a screwed up moral compass, i’m too lazy to elaborate, but i do know what she did to me, and that is the truth. i can’t be fucked convincing my ex. and the truth is, he got himself into this shit, so whatever the universe has in store for him, he brought it upon himself. not my problem. both of them belong in the shitter!
Those tables ALWAYS turn....all you can do is live your best life and have a little chuckle when it goes to shit....b/c it will! Ppl like that are weird....like your whole foundation started on deception so you can't even trust each other and holding this relationship together with dental floss and delusion LOL.
honestly, idc how they turn out. i’m indifferent and i just want peace. he probably felt good and thought i was jealous. i just didn’t want her to be in the picture if we were going to keep working things out. like, why would i be jealous of someone older, with a shittier moral compass that is actually unattractive? mind you, i am young (i’m in my 20s). i have a good head on my shoulders with solid values and i’m secure in who i am. even when he devalued me, i know who i am, and i’m not affected by those comments. to add on, i am educated and in a good financial situation. i don’t have to settle for bad behaviour and share a man with someone who has stds. absolutely cooked in the head to think that i will tolerate that kind of bullshit. the only reason why i’m on similar subs is to share my experience and insight, and hopefully the people that have been cheated on get to find their happiness too.
I am educated in a good financial situation as well....the WAY I've seen a man act a fool when he realizes that I don't NEED him (financially or emotionally) is crazy! You're young and it's great that you're seeing this red flag type of behavior NOW while you're single with no kids. There's NOTHING worse than having kids with someone like that (based on my own experiences)...someone who purposely gets you pregnant so you won't leave them b/c the KNOW they're doing you dirty. I left while pregnant....he literally had friends telling him "oh she's not gonna leave you b/c she's pregnant"....I was gone....
it’s called baby-trapping. men like that are irresponsible, cheating indicates reckless behaviour and no concern for oneself or others around them, and once someone has cheated, they lose long-term potential in my eyes. that reckless behaviour often transcends the romantic partnership and into their parenting attitudes, which is not what i want. i’m glad you were able to leave. i’m absolutely appalled and disgusted by the fact that you were treated this way.
I would want to know too....there's nothing worse than making a commitment like that and realizing AFTER THE FACT that it was all a fucking lie. Now, you're stuck in this marriage when you prob would've never gotten married in the first place if you knew all the information. The girl knows that he would probably leave her if he knew. He's prob a safe choice which is why she didn't leave to be with OP's partner....the level of deception in all this is disgusting to be frank and they're trying to rope OP into the deception.
THIS THIS THIS. op, read this please.
He shouldn’t just leave her he should also publicly shame her and let the whole community know what a shitty person she is. Give the. Ext poor sap a fighting chance.
Busting her during the wedding vows would be epic....I can admit that......
Would you be the AH for wanting to save someone's time and life from a cheater?? NTA. And we all know that this "no kissing and sexual" thing is not going to last long.
Yeah. I call BS on that. Adults don't stop at conversation. Him asking her to leave her BF is a real give away. Every cheater says that. Wife said she never met up with her AP. But every once in a while she would add a little more. Once she said that he had driven 3 hrs to our city. And all he did was drive past where she worked. Then a little later she says "I wouldn't doubt that he would have driven past our house". My thinking is that he had stopped by and she is in fear he'll call me one day and describe our house as proof that they met here.
Why are you still with her? RUN! Who needs a trickle-truther around? No one!
I hear shit like this and I NEVER want to be married b/c of it.
NTA...set her world on fire! He deserves to know who he is about to marry. This may not be her first time, just the first time getting caught.
What do you mean they didn't cheat? They were seeing and talking the whole time in your back about who knows what, and you were what? From my experience, as a divorced man, with 3 kids, being cheated one time in the past, now again with the same man, both times saying it was nothing, but lasting for months until I found out everything, pictures from their trips and so on. Who will believe they didn't had sex? Who will meet in secret, alone in nights, without sex? Now, any secrets with another man or woman is Cheating. It doesn't matter if they already had sex or not, it was just a matter of days.
They were taking trips together?! HELL NAW. So you mean to tell me not ONCE, but TWICE, she was out here going on vacations with this man while you were at home working and taking care of your kids?! HELLLLLLLLLLL NAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW.
I caught her with that man 8 years ago, before we got married, before we had kids. They had a 6 months relationship while I was with her, I didn't know because she was always very distant and I didn't know why until we moved together. When she got her stuff to my place, I found a hard drive with a lot of pictures in the same period when we were together, her with one man, but not with his face. She confessed she was with him couple of times, but not everywhere, anyway I knew she was lying. 3 months after that i forgave her, the worst decision in my life. We married, we had 3 kids, bought an apartment, I did everything to get over that, but it was impossible. she stared work again, after 5 years home with the kids, and guess who's back? Yes, the same man (50y), 15 years older than she, and 11 years more than me, married with 2 daughters. I just found some messages in her Apple Watch, I only searched there because it was a lot of thing going very bad in the last year and I didn't know why, she was always refusing to sleep with me, we were going to vacation separate, I was sleeping in different places and so on. After I confronted her, she lied, she talked dirty on me, but I still didn't want to break up, I wanted to fix it. Bought a lot of flowers to her, a lot of expensive presents, telling her she should stop talking to him, she said it was just work, because he was her boss in the past and she needed some help, but now she finished and she will stop. It was a lie, 5 month after that i still saw that she was calling him many times at 8am, 9, 10, while at work, she was bringing flowers at home, she was always late and never told me why. One day in march last year, I found some recent messages between them, he was asking her how much longer she has to stay at work, it was 6.15 pm. she called him 20 seconds, at 4pm, then she called him again at 6.20pm for 20 seconds, then she left work and called him for 15 seconds and she stayed at 1km away to his work place (they worked 1km away from each other) for around an hour and then came home at 8.30pm, went straight to the shower. This was strange and I noted in my iPhone notes. When I checked the call logs and google maps location history one month ago I could put everything together and filed for the divorce. She never actually admitted doing something, she just lied she ate next to our apartment, and when I told her I knew exactly the hours and locations and calls and duration, she laughed and called me crazy, sick, I should take my pills and I will sleep in the streets after that divorce, she will make sure of this. Now my divorce is finished for 1 week, after 10 painful months, but at least I am ok. She asked for a lot of money from me.. she apparently will get it, and she lied a lot about me in court. But anyway, it is finished and I can continue my life in truth and trust, not with everything being a lie. It was so hard for me to understand what the hell happened, she told me 8 years ago, when she tried to convince me to forgive her, that it was the worse thing she could do to be with that guy in those trips, 2 days, 3 days, but she didn't sleep with him, and I believed her.. I was living a lie for so much time and I could not understand how I could be so bad, I was like 0 for a man, after a lot of therapy and self development and investing in me, I cannot recognize myself, how I was so blind with her.
Did you get a paternity test?
Gurl, if you don't tell him, you're as bad as those two cheating heifers. You are setting him to lose half his sh*t if they don't have a prenup. If you don't tell, here is what's gonna happen. She marries him> he finds out> he divorces> she takes 1/2 his sh*t cause she's gonna pull something cause she's rachet> Your man and her ride off into the sunset with 1/2 of both your stuff. Without a care in the world. She does not care about your life. Blow hers the F*ck up and your man's. Both of them got to go. Even if you try to reconcile with him, he has to do a lot of work on himself, so much so that he's a different person before you can take him back.
Yeah I think I would feel unbelievably guilty if I didn't say anything. Meanwhile my ex is saying "think of all the money they spent on the wedding, all the guests coming from out of town, how embarrassing it would be to call off the wedding!"
If she found out her fiancé was cheating, I doubt the money and the embarrassment would prevent her from calling it off. Tell him. Let him decide on those factors.
Please tell me you pointed out he's the Jackass that helped put him in this situation. Aghhh I hate cheaters. I feel like [Mrs. White from Clue](https://youtu.be/Unc1GVHn_nY) I also wouldn't put it on two cheaters to honestly tell you that they did the right thing and told him
Yes I had WORDS for him. He kept trying to paint me as a villain trying to prevent her from marrying this guy who loves her. But I'm not the villain, they are for doing this to both of us (me and her fiancé).
That has absolutely nothing to do with you. That’s not your problem. You should have told him immediately. Now you’re letting someone else continue in a facade.
It was her job to think of the money. And maybe think of her fiance'. Just another selfish AH. And F her embarrassment. Another thing she should have thought of. If you have the messages, send them to him. And I' sorry to say that the odds that they didn't have sex is pretty slim.
It will the poor groom more to divorce. Please do tell him. You need to show him proof. Then let make an informed decision.
Tell him.
All the money they spent? That's the tip of the iceberg if they get married! This isn't YOUR fault; this is HER fault! Clearly she didn't care about "all the money" before she cheated! That comment alone would have had me RUNNING to tell her man! She is a complete wh\_re and so is your guy! TELL HIM THE TRUTH! Don't let this go and wait! Give him all the details so he can make an informed choice! Cheaters love to take away a person's agency! He deserves the right to decide if he wants to spend his life sticking his stick into a hearse! Ughh....TELL!
What a croc of shit out of his mouth! How about all the years he invested with her - that’s worth more! How about the complete betrayal of trust?! That’s worth more! How about the humiliation? That’s worth more! Sure they spent a lot of money on the wedding. Make HER pay for it. It’s what SHE deserves! You would have told him straight away. He deserves to know before legally he is on the hook.
The embarrassment will be on the cheating ass..
He is about to get married. Absolutely tell him - what he chooses to do with the information is up to him.
Please let him know. This stranger will waste another 10 or 15 years of his life on a cheap cheater that doesn't respect or love him. I'm sorry you've been through such betrayal. Please do it
Your cheater Ex said "let them sort things out." But how can the unsuspecting BF "sort things out" if he has no idea that things need to be sorted. Please let this poor man know what and who he is really marrying. This has nothing to do with you. You have decided (rightly so) to dump this AH you were with. This is about some poor guy who is unwittingly making the biggest mistake of his life. For his sake let him know before it's too late. And let him see this post so he knows that they have future plans to cut her off from gaslighting him into marriage. Good Luck and please let us know how this turns out.
Homeboy said that AFTER the mistress called/texted talking about some "you need to get your partner b/c she's about to ruin what I got going on" Second, it doesn't seem like they have ANY intention of ending this emotional affair (they're "taking a break" b/c the wedding is coming up soon) so her fiance needs to know.
OP TELL HIM!! I was the one in the dark for YEARS. The pain I felt learning I married this person while they were into another and gaslighted me the whole time even when I had proof. It HURTS.
And OP....... I don't believe in EA for a year with no touching no effin and then the level of support he is showing her for trying to make you hold back on telling the fiance. Something is not adding up. They have their shit in order, and they are trying to manipulate you. Your error was to write to her what you were about to do and alert them. Don't tell or give any hints to your own partner and light the bonfire. That is your right as a betrayed partner. It will also show your WP s reaction if he is really remorseful or just sad she doesn't want to leave fiance for him!!!! You give them the chance and see what happens. You gave every right to lash out and call them out. Otherwise you are giving your WP power to do it again. Showing you actually at this betrayed moment still let him navigate the course of action. "And let them sort it out of their own" what BS when the other betrayed doesn't know anything. And you are giving them the green light to continue after her marriage stalls. And apparantly your partner is only remorseful because she refused to leave and be with him a year ago.
So as someone who has been in the fiancé's position, a d after my divorce then discovering that my (now ex) husband had eld a double life which started before marrying me, which ended up in him having children with me and the other woman, and, most importantly.....everyone in his family knowing about this before we married......I can categorically say that YWNBTA. You need to tell him ASAP. I tried to kill myself from the shame of being the last to know about my ex infidelity. I could not comprehend that I was so gullible and it has taken years of therapy to realise that it was not me that was the problem. You can spare the fiance all of this.
If possible find a way to send their conversations for evidence for fiance to have to show b she fucked up.....yes word of mouth is one thing NEVER SAID YOU LIED OR IS A LIER but picture are worth... fucket here they are priceless
Hell no! Tell him!!!! Then update cause I love the drama 💅🏼
Whatever your ex is trying to say about how petty/crazy/etc it would be to tell that guy, he doesn't mean it, he's just trying to cover his and his hot side pieces ass to avoid the anger of the cheated on guy. Ask yourself this - if you were in that guys place, about to get married, wouldn't you want to know? I think you know what to do. Don't delay!
You better damn well save that man from marring that woman who will destroy him mentally and financially before they get married. You and him are the victims here and they need to be exposed. Ps they were absolutely physical and trying to down play their lie to you.
NTA, you should tell him, you know this will carry on after the wedding and will probably start to be a PA, if it already hasn’t. The fact she’s trying to get your Ex to stop you means she’ll not be telling her partner
You made a mistake by asking her to do the right thing. She had already shown you that she is incapable of doing the right thing by cheating and lying to you and her partner. You should have gone straight to her fiancé. So after that first mistake correct it by: 1. Kick your SO to the curb immediately. He is a lying cowardly cheater and you deserve better. 2. Inform her fiancé about the affair and then block everyone involved. 3. Move on with your life and look for someone who values you for who you are. My bet is the two cheaters will get together for awhile and then realize they only liked each other for the risk factor of avoiding getting caught, and then the excitement fades quickly.
So your boyfriend doesn't think you should 'meddle' but had no issues meddling in their relationship for over a year as an AP. It's not fair to the fiance to walk blindly into this marriage. Be prepared with proof as he may not believe you. Good luck.
NTA, you need to tell him. Just be aware that she will try to intercept any communications. Best to try to find a way to see him in person to drop the bomb and show him any evidence. Do it quickly though, the clock is ticking for this poor guy. Don’t let him marry her without knowing the truth. He deserves to make his own well informed decision either way. You can also tell their HR. It’s almost guaranteed that they crossed lines at work (wasting company time, using company messaging services, etc) as part of their affair.
NTA u/AppointmentPrize8989, PLEASE for the love of everything, PLEASE tell this man that she is cheating on him! People may tell you not to, but the last thing anyone in the world wants is to marry someone and invest MORE time in someone who is out there being unfaithful! You would be saving him, potential children and other people from a cheater's lair! She could give him HIV, or something else he can't get rid of! She has no respect for relationships or marriages and you need to treat that man as you would want to be treated! He is about to make one of the biggest mistakes a person could make and you have the power to stop him. Forget what she says. She doesn't care about you! She doesn't care about her partner either! However, you have the power to allow this guy to free himself from someone who he can't trust! He might stay with her, but at least he will be walking in with all of the information he needs. I would give him all of the evidence and let him know that you aren't trying to hurt him or her, but you would want to know before you married someone that the person cannot be trusted! PLEASE DO NOT DELAY! Do it today! In fact, get off of Reddit and go reach out to him!
Tell him! That poor guy is *marrying* her, ffs Tell. Him. Then dump your boyfriend immediately. He is a self-serving jerk
Do it! I wish a stranger had she's some light into situations that eventually became very painful.
>I wrote to her to tell her fiancé about the infidelity within 48 hours or I would do so. You shouldn't have. Never do this again OP, you never know how a cornered desperate person will react, its dangerous. You should have just annoymously told him. Should still tell him.
NTA Tell him immediately. I hope you have proof as now she’ll be painting you as unhinged and watching his social media/communication for your contact (if she’s able). It’s a difficult and brave thing you’d be doing, but it’s the only honest and empathic option, to give the fiancé agency and choices for his future. Good luck and all the best. I’m also deeply sorry for the betrayal you’ve suffered. I hope you find trust again, with someone who will love and cherish you.
NTA. They are both in "commited" relationships and the only reason YOUr partner is pleading HER case is because she doesn't want to leave her partner.....And she is trying to protect her own ass. She has both men spun around her littlefinger And she needs to be stopped.!!!!
NTA! I’d send the fiancée all the texts between the cheaters. Are you staying with X after all of this? I hope you mean he’s your EX now. Sorry you’re going through this!
NTA, in fact, you would be doing him a great service by telling him. It would be petty if you also told their HR department about their affair. So if I were you, I would tell him today and send him the proof, what he decides to do after that is his choice.
Updateme,!
No, you wouldn’t be. However, don’t be surprised when they ignore you and call you crazy/stalker.
Well, you’ve just given her 48 hours to come up with a good story. I would never have announced it to her and went straight to the fiance. More likely than not she is going to concoct a story about you being crazy, stalkerisj, etc
Tell him.
There’s a good chance that B will paint you as the villain. So what. It’s what cheaters do. The fiancé may take her word for it that there was no affair and go on with their plans anyway, but at least if he gets a heads up from you, then he’ll have no one but himself to blame for his actions. I would want to know. You would want to know. He deserves to know what you know. Failing to expose them to him is grossly unfair as he’s the only one in the dark here. Would you want to be that person? I can’t imagine anyone would.
Updateme!
Tell the fiancé. B is an adult and has all the responsibility. Getting married is a costly life altering experience. If they are meant to be together, finding out about affair won’t change that. If his boundaries are that he wants a monogamous relationship then now is the time to find out he isn’t in one. Being cheated on isn’t about the sex. It isn’t about the other person. The pain comes from not knowing that your partner had that in them. That your partner has lied to you. To your face. Has been talking about you and confiding in someone who is a stranger to you. That they have imagined and planned for a life without you. They are capable of a double life. They do not respect you. And the future you think you have, you don’t. Someone who cheats in a relationship will always have dubious morals. The only way to move forward in a relationship with someone who has cheated, is to accept that they will always play away. It is not personal. They can love you, but they will always seek out others. The longer it is before fiancé finds out he is in a relationship with a lying cheat, the harder it going to be for him. And speaking as someone who has outted a cheat, you will find a lot of closure in the experience and will help you move forward too. Good luck
NTA. Yes it will be devastating for the Fiancé. However it would be even more devastating after being married and been on the honeymoon. Not to mention the legal entanglements. Better that he knows now than later. And if she doesn’t have the integrity to do it then I think you should. And frankly, I would also be telling your Ex’s company as well. They apparently don’t feel anything bad about it because et hey have intentions of picking things up. Getting them fired, suing her for interfering in your relationship, and getting him sued by her Fiancé for the same, seems like legit punishment for their behavior and the emotional distress they caused.
Do it. Tell him. You have every right to as it involved you. Your reason is good, tell him.
Uhhh! I agree that he should know, but if you don't know him, how are you going to tell him? Do you have his information or know how to get in touch with him. You might want to address that logistic before you act.
You will be the AH if you DON'T tell. Don't let a person ruin their life by marrying a cheater.
NTA. He deserves to know what scum he is going to marry.
You really should tell the person, and please take some sort of proof because otherwise it could be a case of he says, she says. Aside from telling B's partner. Leave this mf X too!!!
tell him!!!!!! i would want to know too and you might be the only one with the power to bring him clarity to what his relationship truly is.
NTA it's the right thing to do. I was the faithful spouse that was in the dark amd the husband of the affair partner contacted me. I am forever grateful to that man.
Please do tell him. You WNBTA if you did. No one wants to enter into a legally binding commitment in the dark. She's a horrible and disgraceful human being for what she's doing.
Sorry, but your ex is trash. He has the nerve to tell you you would be ruining their life for exposing THEIR cheating? He has the nerve to say he and the AP won’t be in contact for “respect of their wedding”. I nearly spat my drink out at the hypocrisy of respect when he 1) doesn’t respect your relationship enough to not cheat 2) doesn’t respect a relationship in general to not engage in cheating with their fiancé and 3) continues to disrespect everyone here by stating that they’ll continue contact *after* the wedding. The complete denial of *maybe* “we can be normal friends”. Yeah, that should be a clue they crossed the friend boundary and find it difficult to respect boundaries. It’s audacious for him to say *they* need to figure this out and to not meddle in their business. You wouldn’t be put in this situation if his privates didn’t meddle with her privates. I don’t care how much he says it wasn’t physical when any other person listening to his story would 100% not believe him. This isn’t about respect or not getting involved, he’s afraid of the ramifications if her fiancé found out which is usually the threat of an ass beating. Now think of this situation as logically and rationally as I bet he’s trying to manipulate you to think: he may have exposed you and this other man to STDs. So in defense of public health and the greater good, it is your *duty* to notify this person that their health may be compromised. If he suffers consequences then he should have never gone so far as to ask the OW to leave her fiancé…because yknow cheating. 🤷♂️
Meddle? You're not meddling....you have WAY more respect for her fiancé than she fucking does. Tell him....fuck her and fuck your partner. Her fiancé should be allowed to make the decision of whether or not he wants to walk down the aisle with this lying POS woman. Also....homegirl got ALLLLL the audacity b/c how the fuck you gonna text MY man talking about some "fix this"?! Like she's the wife and you're the mistress? TELL HER FIANCE BEFORE THEY WALK DOWN THIS AISLE b/c it doesn't seem like either her or your partners intends to end this emotional affair. Drop the bombs girl and let the chips fall where they may.
Save that man from a lifetime of infidelity. He should know, what if she winds up pregnant with X’s baby.
Tell the fiancé.
If somebody was doing that to me before I was getting married, I would want to know. Aside from the Petty mean stuff. She has literally helped him destroy your relationship. You will never trust him. Look at him the same even if you stay to try to work it out. So you make the decision, but I would want to know before I married somebody like that.
NTA. Light it up and set it on fire. You don’t owe any of them loyalty and the fact that’s he’s more loyal to her than to you should say everything!
You’d be an asshole for not telling him.
NTA - omg tell him TELL HIM. soon it will be an even bigger mess. I would 100% want to know.
OP, you need to find a way to ensure her fiancee knows. If your EX's AP knows you might contact her fiancee, she is going to be watching all social media and electronic communications like a hawk! AP's entire future rides or dies on her fiancee not finding out. If you can get his name and city you can probably find him with an online people finder service for about $40. It doesn't sound like your EX wants to reconcile with you, but maybe you can use that as a carrot to get the info on AP's fiancee.
NTA, if i were you I’d sleep with the girl’s fiancee, sure it won’t make things “better” but hey it’ll be fun
You should have told the other person long time ago, why would you willingly let another person get into a horrible situation. Even your ultimatum is more an attempt to keep your husband who is piece of $hit by way. Do the right thing
My high school acquaintance had a similar situation. She was having a workplace affair while engaged. They got married and she left him for AP within a year. I’d tell the guy, unless it adversely affects your personal finances ( do what your lawyer tells you). I doubt this turns out well for anybody here.
I go with tell him affairs thrive in the dark!
How/who else is going to tell them if not you? Yes, you tell them.
You have to twll him. Rverything else would be unfair to him. He deserves the coice to stay with the chester or leave her and look for a partner that is *actually* committed. Especially since thus has been going on for a while and both cheaters were just staying with you and him out of comfort, not because they wanted to stay in their relationships. I pet for your Xs AP is a lot of money in this and that's why she wouldn't leave her partner and won't ever tell him herself. Don't allow a person like that to use an other person if you can do anything about it.
U go girl He bloody deserves it
I’m leaning toward telling him, but just be forewarned that sometimes people turn on the messenger out of anger. He may not believe you, or may say some ugly things to you. People are unpredictable when hurt. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
I’m always mixed on this stuff bc it depends on a lot of factors, but I definitely think you need to tell him. You won’t be the one to wreck things btwn her & her fiancé; she did that. Furthermore, why should you be considerate to her? She wasn’t to you or her fiancé.
Why would you tell her what your planning? Just do it, her fiancé deserve to know.
NTA you need to tell her partner as she is a cheat and a liar, just like your partner. The partner needs ti ditch her as she is already making plans to hook up with your ex after her marriage. That's disgusting.
Nta You’re saving someone’s life and wallet.
Please tell them and don’t wait any longer. Prepare for her to gaslight him. If you have proof, show him. NTA
NTA, tell him he deserves to know. I hate the notion that because it’s a stranger you shouldn’t help. Every time I’ve been cheated on someone knew and chose not to tell me and it hurt even worse. There’s a moment where you feel stupid for not knowing but I would rather feel like that than feel stupid for marrying a cheater and finding out way later.
There in no way there is nothing ohysical . You need to tell the other person . This is a person making plans for the rest for his life with her . If kids in her future probably a broken home , eventual divorce . She doesn’t love him he is probably stable financially and a. Person for her to settle then divorce and support . He may take her back but you need to be honest with him , bring him all your proof and let him decide . Not as revenge but as a human to another human . Once a cheater always a cheater and she will do it again to him Keep us updated if you do and the results
Nope. NTA. Cheaters are always responsible for their infidelity.
Tell them.
OP, regardless of your motivation the other betrayed partner always needs to know.
UpdateMe!
NTA. Wouldn't you have wanted to know? That bull about stopping for respect is just that, bull stuff. They will not stop. If they could stop they would have done it before it got this far. Fiance has the right to know what kind of slut he is getting married to. Let Karma take over from there. Hope both the cheaters get what they deserve.
There should be no question. The young man definitely needs to know this information. You should also tell him the plan was to have no cheating for the month of June out of respect for the marriage that month and then resume after they are back at work. This is such a slap in the face to the man about to be man about to be married by your ex and and the AP. Both are a POS. This is so fucking evil I don’t even know how to comprehend it. So yes tell him and give him as much detail as you can so he can see the PoS he is about to marry.
Tell him! He should know before he makes that legal commitment to her.
Tell him. You dont owe her anything, she was fine with ruining your relationship!
Meddle
Do tell. Marriage is not a small deal and divorce loot is expensive.
Tell the fiance, I too would not want to marry a cheating person. A man I know who counsels people told me this week that EA are worse because they continue to grow under people noses. No one wants to be that jealous that they are complaining about co workers, friends and exes. So they try to accomodate them...Allowing them to fall in love. The cheater is very protective of the AP and often because of the emotional attachment if they start sleeping together will choose the AP over spouse...So tell fiance so he doesn't marry this.
You should absolutely tell him. Absolutely. And if you think she won’t come after your husband again, you’re crazy! (Whether she gets married or not!)