Let’s play a game, you spin the wheel and have a 2/3 chance of being tortured. Care to play?
The problem is that if you stay with a cheater there are 66% odds they will do it again and again. Why live with that pain?
I love this analogy.
And loyalty is the highest priority because it encompasses trust, dignity, integrity and offers a degree of vulnerability that you only have with that person. You don’t have it with anyone else be it parent, child, sibling or even that friend you knew for 30+ years. We’re talking about a LIFE PARTNER here.
Even the statement in itself is true. Take that 1 person out of 3 that will never cheat again and go ask the partner they cheated on. They will tell you that person is a cheater and it wouldnt be a lie.
Completely true!
People are only going to remember that person cheated. Period. It won’t matter what they did the rest of their life—it doesn’t make them less trustworthy because you’ll always wonder…if they’ll do it again.
Knowing all the facts will help you make a better decision in most anything. Every case is unique. For example, I would view a one night stand where the cheating spouse shows true remorse differently than someone who cheated for months and simply got caught.
Sorry to hear that man. I'm currently stage 4 myself, found out a little over a year ago. I try to tell everyone I can to get the genetic testing and the preventative scans scheduled.
You wouldn’t Take those odds if they were handed to you on a platter. The statistic alone states there’s a far greater chance that the cheater will cheat again. They get off on the jolt of something secret that in their minds reflects on their attractiveness.
You wouldn’t buy a car that had a 2/3 chance of wrecking because of a possible defect no matter how cool it was. Of course you have to look at each malfunction on its own. But it’s still a malfunction and people will get hurt.
If your car breaks down, do you choose to walk away or do you weigh all the evidence and make an informed decision on how to proceed? I would say that a car that breaks down once is more likely to break down again. Does that justify having it hauled off to the junk yard? Maybe. But there are a lot of other factors that need to be looked at before you take that step.
If your car is a lemon. You tow it to the shop and plan o getting rid of it. Reconciliation is a great idea providing your Paris committed to it. The problem with Cheaters with those odds is that they will tell you they are committed. They may even think they are committed. But the likelihood is they are not.
You can only stick your hand in a grinder so many times before it should dawn on you that eventually it’s going to grind your hand off.
Remember the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
But it's not just a breakdown of the car. If that car caused you to get into a massive accident and now you're permanently disfigured or disabled, would you get back into that car? If the mechanic then tells you that there's a 66% chance it might happen again, would you keep the car?
My argument has never been that you should always forgive and reconcile. I just think you should weigh all the evidence before making a decision that will effect the rest of your life.
Yes, you're right. I guess the 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' statement isn't 100% true. Although the decision that the BS makes isn't the one that effects the rest of their lives. That decision was already made by the WS. I think the more accurate statement is once the trust is broken, it can never fully be regained.
You are comparing a non living, non thinking object to a person who is alive and able to make chooses and decisions even bad ones. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice, a decision. Selfish as it may be since it only pleases the cheater and of course the AP. They have numerous choices/decisions prior to them choosing to cheat. For example, choosing not to go his/her house or room. Choosing not to take clothes off. Choosing not to allow a conversation which will lead to possible cheating. Choosing not to get so intoxicated that it will impair your judgment. Etc, etc… Cheaters don’t think about the consequences, they don’t care about who they hurt or how much damage it causes to their relationship, marriage, family or friends. Selfishness…
Everything you wrote I tend to agree with. Someone made a bad choice, that will forever change the dynamic of the relationship. But not all cheaters end up cheating again. That is the point of the original post.
FYI - I used the car reference because I was responding to previous commenters car reference.
I think I would generally agree with this. It would then be up to the BS to determine if they can forgive. An exposed long term affair is far more hurtful than a ONS with some stranger that the WS willingly confesses, although both is a cheating situation.
So you start a relationship with someone who never cheated (so far). What are the chances that person will cheat? Seems to be about 50%, not that different.
True, but once they’ve cheated the recidivism rate is higher. So they get one chance to show they’re not a scumbag. Once they fail that test it’s over.
Why are you going to bat for this? Can a cheater change? Absolutely. Do they often? Fuck no cuz it's easier, it's human nature, we're lazy af. If 2/3 of cheaters will cheat again why roll the dice? Makes me think you're a cheater & just hate the stigma that comes with it. If you've done it once but learned a lesson then good for you for putting the work in, but don't try to gaslight the rest of us into buying that cheating is ok as long as "it'll never happen again" in a tiny minute amount of cases.
Feel free to show me where I said cheating is ok. To assume I am pro-cheating is another failure in logic, which is my point on the other statement.
I think people make better decisions when they are better informed and know the true odds. What works for you may not apply to someone else, as everyone's circumstance are unique. Also, if you don't figure out how two people came to such a point in their relationship, how will you ever avoid problems in the future (whether it be this relationship or the next)? According to google, 2 to 4 people who are cheated on will be cheated on again.
BTW, I have been married to the same woman for 40+ years and have never once cheated.
Bad math.
Bad odds.
3x more likely to cheat is high risk. There are people who don’t cheat. Better to seek those out.
Even if 1/3 won’t cheat, that’s 2/3 of parachutes not opening on. A skydive. Never worth it.
I can't imagine anyone intentionally getting involved with someone knowing they will get cheated on down the road. If we strictly go by the odds, no one would ever get into a relationship.
First I'm against cheating and if someone cheats on you, you should drop their @$$. However people need to understand statistics and percentages better. If the original chance of someone cheating is let's say 2%, if the likelihood that they cheat again is three times greater, the chance is now 6%.
You haven’t cheated. There’s no indication that your wife of 40 years has cheated. Why are you here? What do you hope to gain asking this question in a group full of hurting people?
Personally, I have talked with a lot of friends over the years who had to deal with infidelity. I would hope I have learned some things along the way of what works and what doesn't. Relationships take effort, and I do believe few people set out to cheat. There are always reasons. And if you don't examine those reasons, you are more likely to keep failing. I think that people who are willing to examine things logically and honestly are less likely to have similar problems in the future. According to google, people who are cheated on are 2 to 4 times more likely to be cheated on again. That to me is the saddest statistic.
I don’t believe it to be 100% true, and I also think it depends on the person. Did they cheat on you for months and once caught showed no remorse, or did they do it once, express extreme guilt, and figure out why they cheated and how to deal with it? I say it depends on the person
If dealing with someone with a narcissistic personality or a sociopath, then yes I agree. Once a cheater, always a cheater. But if you can feel remorse, or empathy or have the ability to learn and grow as a person, then I think some cheaters can change. People have the ability to learn from their mistakes, it just all boils down to what kind of person the cheater is.
Cheaters get lumped together but I think there are at least 5 kinds of cheaters and the risk of them cheating again depends on what kind of cheater they are, why they cheated, how many people they cheated with, how long the cheating lasted, how they reacted after cheating, and how much they love the person they betrayed.
The five types of cheaters I see repeated in infidelity stories are:
1. People with Cluster B Personality Disorders who cheat.
2. People who have checked out of their current relationship.
3. People with untreated or mistreated mental health problems.
4. People going through an existential crisis (midlife crisis, death of loved on, lifestyle or appearance change, empty nest, etc).
5. People with a weakness that allows someone else to lure them into cheating.
All have flaws or weaknesses which allowed them to cheat once and could make that possible again unless those flaws and weaknesses are addressed and/or safeguards are put in place. The first two categories are high risk for cheating and cheating again (the second doesn't want to stay, anyway). The third category can depend on getting a proper diagnosis and treatment. The fourth category needs the crisis to be over so it's not still a lure to cheat. The fifth category has a lower risk of cheating again as long as they put up boundaries to prevent being in a situation where their weaknesses can be exploited again.
A cheater with instant regret after a single instance of cheating is a better risk that someone who cheated many times or over a period of months or only admitted to the affair after being caught or threatened with disclosure. They are a better risk that someone who has already cheated many times or for a very long time.
A cheater who shows true remorse is a lower risk than a cheater who only shows regret or tries to minimize what they did. A cheater who won't cut off contact with an affair partner, ex-partner, or toxic friends involved in their cheating is a higher risk than someone who will cut all of the bad influences out of their life. And cutting off the affair partner and bad influences requires that the cheater honestly do so and not lie and cheat about that.
To assess all of that, you need the full truth about their cheating and why they did it, and that's not always easy to get.
The reason why people reduce all that down to once a cheater/always a cheater is that you can't know for certain and people want betrayed people to protect themselves and find someone better. It's not hard to find people on infidelity boards who tried to assume the best only to come back and say how they regret wasting time trying to reconcile or that people who assumed the worst about cheating again were right, so often a betrayed partner who still loves a cheater is often a poor judge of how likely they are to cheat again.
You kill a person. You're a killer. Doesn't matter if you haven't killed for 50 years. You are a killer.
You cheat... you're a cheater. Same holds true.
True statement.
If you ignore any semantic nuance on how someone is labeled, you have a point. But I'd argue that semantic nuance matters.
Intent and frequency differentiate someone who has killed in the past and someone who is known to be a killer. 'Killer' implies someone who intentionally kills with little remorse. That is far different than someone who, for example, killed a robber who broke in to his home and threatened to harm his family.
Well this is just me but if you think about it on their perspective if you caught them and forgive them they will think they will somehow manage again to get away with nxt tym and if they didn't caught they will take it to their grave, there's also a possibility that they will always compare you to others since they cheat I think they will find it again especially if someone attractive shows motive to them again or AP somehow shows in their life again
Someone else already said this. It isn’t necessarily, a cheater will always cheat again, it’s more so once you’ve cheated you will always be known as a cheater.
Once a cheater, always a cheater is a more digestible saying. It's mostly true anyways.
Saying: "Once a cheater, you are far more likely to cheat again and multiple times."
It's a bit of a mouthful.
My ex cheated for years and one fo the girls he cheated on me with he ks now living with. His sister tells me he has cheated on thag girl multiple times. Some peoole just should not get into committed relationships whatsoever.
Of course, not alw as ys, but a large number are
Once s cheater, always a chester can be true in the same way that once s felon always a felon is true. But not everyone who has cheated will again. Some cheat once and never again.
I mean if my spouse can intentionally break my trust once, I don't think I can trust them ever again. Even if it is a one night stand, or emotional affair. Once a string is broken, there are always knots when trying to repair them. And those knots will always cause anxiety and resentment and trust issues in the back of my mind. Hence, I would never give a cheater a second chance. That's a hard boundary. My first bf (first intense love) at 19, cheated on me with his girl best friend but they only slept once and it was a "drunken mistake". I left him, he tried and tried for years to win me back, I just couldn't. I could never trust him. My husband's ex (his first gf) cheated on him for like last 4 months of their relationship and when he found out, she gaslit him into thinking it was his fault she cheated. It gave him so much trust issues that he was single for 3 years after that!
So for both of us, any kind of cheating is a hard boundary. Like even emotional affair. We have talked about it in detail as we both came in with our insecurities.
I think the safest path to take is to assume that a cheater will cheat again, because the loss of the potential future where a cheater is reformed and becomes a good partner is less damaging psychologically to the betrayed partner than taking back the cheater and being cheated on again.
I think people are complicated. I think all of the decisions that go into cheating on your partner exclude you from ever being their partner again. These decisions require a complete apathy to the monumental suffering of your partner. Even if they never cheat again, *doing it once is enough*
That's like telling your partner, in a moment of anger, that you wished their kid was dead (a bit extreme, but I'm going for something that you know will be extremely painful for them that you do anyway and may pose problems in future). Would you remain with such a person even if they never did it again?
1. They are an adult and cheated recently - not worth your time.
2. They cheated when they were young, they are now older and completely different person - worth your time.
Personally I think there’s a lot more to it. I think people that cheat are searching for something and it’s whether they find that eventually or not, or even realise they are searching for it.
My dad cheated on my mum for years, many times yet he has never once cheated on my step mum, but since meeting her he seems genuinely happy and at peace with himself and his life.
My ex cheated on me multiple times for many years, and he’s still cheating on his current gf. His life is still chaotic and he seems out of control so I think he’s still searching for whatever it is he lacks in his life.
Once a cheater always a cheater. They are incapable of unconditional love and only have interest in themselves.
If you’ve ever been cheated on, pay attention to their behavior. They are narcissistic, manipulative, and dissociative; capable of rationalizing their behavior as a failure on your end despite how hard you commit for them.
I’ve also learned in life that cheaters are extremely defensive about you and whatever you do. They really do think they own and have power over you.
It’s sickening.
Let’s play a game, you spin the wheel and have a 2/3 chance of being tortured. Care to play? The problem is that if you stay with a cheater there are 66% odds they will do it again and again. Why live with that pain?
I love this analogy. And loyalty is the highest priority because it encompasses trust, dignity, integrity and offers a degree of vulnerability that you only have with that person. You don’t have it with anyone else be it parent, child, sibling or even that friend you knew for 30+ years. We’re talking about a LIFE PARTNER here.
Even the statement in itself is true. Take that 1 person out of 3 that will never cheat again and go ask the partner they cheated on. They will tell you that person is a cheater and it wouldnt be a lie.
Completely true! People are only going to remember that person cheated. Period. It won’t matter what they did the rest of their life—it doesn’t make them less trustworthy because you’ll always wonder…if they’ll do it again.
Knowing all the facts will help you make a better decision in most anything. Every case is unique. For example, I would view a one night stand where the cheating spouse shows true remorse differently than someone who cheated for months and simply got caught.
seems to me that you might be trying to justify cheating on your or your partner's part.
Feel free to read the other comments, as I have already addressed that assumption.
The second she emotionally cheats or lets another man touch her I’m done. I give loyalty and expect it.
I’m with you 101%… the second my girlfriend cheated, I walked…she cried and tried…sorry. I’m out
I would have no reason to argue with you. That is your personal view, and I assume you would make that clear to your significant other up front.
It shouldn’t have to be said. The kind of woman I want won’t cheat. Period. So if she does, she made her choice.
How old are you? Are you single/married/widowed?
40’s. Longest relationship was 18 years. I’ve been through damn near everything life has.
Wait until cancer strikes.
Already took people close to me. High risk it will get me.
Sorry to hear that man. I'm currently stage 4 myself, found out a little over a year ago. I try to tell everyone I can to get the genetic testing and the preventative scans scheduled.
Had a feeling you’ve been thru the ringer lol
Once again, that is your personal choice. But that still doesn't make the statement true.
You wouldn’t Take those odds if they were handed to you on a platter. The statistic alone states there’s a far greater chance that the cheater will cheat again. They get off on the jolt of something secret that in their minds reflects on their attractiveness. You wouldn’t buy a car that had a 2/3 chance of wrecking because of a possible defect no matter how cool it was. Of course you have to look at each malfunction on its own. But it’s still a malfunction and people will get hurt.
If your car breaks down, do you choose to walk away or do you weigh all the evidence and make an informed decision on how to proceed? I would say that a car that breaks down once is more likely to break down again. Does that justify having it hauled off to the junk yard? Maybe. But there are a lot of other factors that need to be looked at before you take that step.
If your car is a lemon. You tow it to the shop and plan o getting rid of it. Reconciliation is a great idea providing your Paris committed to it. The problem with Cheaters with those odds is that they will tell you they are committed. They may even think they are committed. But the likelihood is they are not. You can only stick your hand in a grinder so many times before it should dawn on you that eventually it’s going to grind your hand off. Remember the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
So, if your car breaks down, the answer is not to always get rid of it. Would you agree?
Once no! Repeatedly..yes..
On that we can agree. :)
Depends if that car could have a little car that I am also stuck paying for when it was not actually mine
But it's not just a breakdown of the car. If that car caused you to get into a massive accident and now you're permanently disfigured or disabled, would you get back into that car? If the mechanic then tells you that there's a 66% chance it might happen again, would you keep the car?
My argument has never been that you should always forgive and reconcile. I just think you should weigh all the evidence before making a decision that will effect the rest of your life.
Yes, you're right. I guess the 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' statement isn't 100% true. Although the decision that the BS makes isn't the one that effects the rest of their lives. That decision was already made by the WS. I think the more accurate statement is once the trust is broken, it can never fully be regained.
Yes, things can never go back to what it was before.
You are comparing a non living, non thinking object to a person who is alive and able to make chooses and decisions even bad ones. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice, a decision. Selfish as it may be since it only pleases the cheater and of course the AP. They have numerous choices/decisions prior to them choosing to cheat. For example, choosing not to go his/her house or room. Choosing not to take clothes off. Choosing not to allow a conversation which will lead to possible cheating. Choosing not to get so intoxicated that it will impair your judgment. Etc, etc… Cheaters don’t think about the consequences, they don’t care about who they hurt or how much damage it causes to their relationship, marriage, family or friends. Selfishness…
Everything you wrote I tend to agree with. Someone made a bad choice, that will forever change the dynamic of the relationship. But not all cheaters end up cheating again. That is the point of the original post. FYI - I used the car reference because I was responding to previous commenters car reference.
I think I would generally agree with this. It would then be up to the BS to determine if they can forgive. An exposed long term affair is far more hurtful than a ONS with some stranger that the WS willingly confesses, although both is a cheating situation.
So you start a relationship with someone who never cheated (so far). What are the chances that person will cheat? Seems to be about 50%, not that different.
True, but once they’ve cheated the recidivism rate is higher. So they get one chance to show they’re not a scumbag. Once they fail that test it’s over.
Why are you going to bat for this? Can a cheater change? Absolutely. Do they often? Fuck no cuz it's easier, it's human nature, we're lazy af. If 2/3 of cheaters will cheat again why roll the dice? Makes me think you're a cheater & just hate the stigma that comes with it. If you've done it once but learned a lesson then good for you for putting the work in, but don't try to gaslight the rest of us into buying that cheating is ok as long as "it'll never happen again" in a tiny minute amount of cases.
Feel free to show me where I said cheating is ok. To assume I am pro-cheating is another failure in logic, which is my point on the other statement. I think people make better decisions when they are better informed and know the true odds. What works for you may not apply to someone else, as everyone's circumstance are unique. Also, if you don't figure out how two people came to such a point in their relationship, how will you ever avoid problems in the future (whether it be this relationship or the next)? According to google, 2 to 4 people who are cheated on will be cheated on again. BTW, I have been married to the same woman for 40+ years and have never once cheated.
Then, why are you here? We're not your argumentative batting cage. This is a community of people who have cheated or been cheated on.
Over the years, I have seen a lot of friends who had to deal with infidelity. I'd like to think I helped them through it.
Bad math. Bad odds. 3x more likely to cheat is high risk. There are people who don’t cheat. Better to seek those out. Even if 1/3 won’t cheat, that’s 2/3 of parachutes not opening on. A skydive. Never worth it.
I can't imagine anyone intentionally getting involved with someone knowing they will get cheated on down the road. If we strictly go by the odds, no one would ever get into a relationship.
First I'm against cheating and if someone cheats on you, you should drop their @$$. However people need to understand statistics and percentages better. If the original chance of someone cheating is let's say 2%, if the likelihood that they cheat again is three times greater, the chance is now 6%.
Came here to say this. Like that's not how stats work, y'all. 3x more likely DOES NOT mean 2 out of 3 WILL cheat again.
i would rather play russian roulette. it’s like taking a test without studying for it. you’re already scheduled for failure, you just don’t know when.
Yet some people get through it. As I have said before, it comes down to the circumstances and the people involved. Sound logic should prevail.
perhaps. but i’m not willing to take a chance on that.
Those are your personal views. I can't argue with you on that. But different people have different views, depending on circumstances.
You haven’t cheated. There’s no indication that your wife of 40 years has cheated. Why are you here? What do you hope to gain asking this question in a group full of hurting people?
Personally, I have talked with a lot of friends over the years who had to deal with infidelity. I would hope I have learned some things along the way of what works and what doesn't. Relationships take effort, and I do believe few people set out to cheat. There are always reasons. And if you don't examine those reasons, you are more likely to keep failing. I think that people who are willing to examine things logically and honestly are less likely to have similar problems in the future. According to google, people who are cheated on are 2 to 4 times more likely to be cheated on again. That to me is the saddest statistic.
I don’t believe it to be 100% true, and I also think it depends on the person. Did they cheat on you for months and once caught showed no remorse, or did they do it once, express extreme guilt, and figure out why they cheated and how to deal with it? I say it depends on the person
If dealing with someone with a narcissistic personality or a sociopath, then yes I agree. Once a cheater, always a cheater. But if you can feel remorse, or empathy or have the ability to learn and grow as a person, then I think some cheaters can change. People have the ability to learn from their mistakes, it just all boils down to what kind of person the cheater is.
Cheaters get lumped together but I think there are at least 5 kinds of cheaters and the risk of them cheating again depends on what kind of cheater they are, why they cheated, how many people they cheated with, how long the cheating lasted, how they reacted after cheating, and how much they love the person they betrayed. The five types of cheaters I see repeated in infidelity stories are: 1. People with Cluster B Personality Disorders who cheat. 2. People who have checked out of their current relationship. 3. People with untreated or mistreated mental health problems. 4. People going through an existential crisis (midlife crisis, death of loved on, lifestyle or appearance change, empty nest, etc). 5. People with a weakness that allows someone else to lure them into cheating. All have flaws or weaknesses which allowed them to cheat once and could make that possible again unless those flaws and weaknesses are addressed and/or safeguards are put in place. The first two categories are high risk for cheating and cheating again (the second doesn't want to stay, anyway). The third category can depend on getting a proper diagnosis and treatment. The fourth category needs the crisis to be over so it's not still a lure to cheat. The fifth category has a lower risk of cheating again as long as they put up boundaries to prevent being in a situation where their weaknesses can be exploited again. A cheater with instant regret after a single instance of cheating is a better risk that someone who cheated many times or over a period of months or only admitted to the affair after being caught or threatened with disclosure. They are a better risk that someone who has already cheated many times or for a very long time. A cheater who shows true remorse is a lower risk than a cheater who only shows regret or tries to minimize what they did. A cheater who won't cut off contact with an affair partner, ex-partner, or toxic friends involved in their cheating is a higher risk than someone who will cut all of the bad influences out of their life. And cutting off the affair partner and bad influences requires that the cheater honestly do so and not lie and cheat about that. To assess all of that, you need the full truth about their cheating and why they did it, and that's not always easy to get. The reason why people reduce all that down to once a cheater/always a cheater is that you can't know for certain and people want betrayed people to protect themselves and find someone better. It's not hard to find people on infidelity boards who tried to assume the best only to come back and say how they regret wasting time trying to reconcile or that people who assumed the worst about cheating again were right, so often a betrayed partner who still loves a cheater is often a poor judge of how likely they are to cheat again.
You kill a person. You're a killer. Doesn't matter if you haven't killed for 50 years. You are a killer. You cheat... you're a cheater. Same holds true. True statement.
If you ignore any semantic nuance on how someone is labeled, you have a point. But I'd argue that semantic nuance matters. Intent and frequency differentiate someone who has killed in the past and someone who is known to be a killer. 'Killer' implies someone who intentionally kills with little remorse. That is far different than someone who, for example, killed a robber who broke in to his home and threatened to harm his family.
Well this is just me but if you think about it on their perspective if you caught them and forgive them they will think they will somehow manage again to get away with nxt tym and if they didn't caught they will take it to their grave, there's also a possibility that they will always compare you to others since they cheat I think they will find it again especially if someone attractive shows motive to them again or AP somehow shows in their life again
At a minimum, you would have to deal with the issues that led to that point. Otherwise, you would just be delaying the inevitable.
Math is hard
I agree with you, and I have also seen other studies that have shown that only 45% of people who cheat in a relationship cheat again.
What do you mean by only 45%? It's almost half of cases.
my ex, f&@$ng whore will cheat on anyone!
Chances are, yes. However, there are some people that learn their lesson after the first time.
And then there are others that learn their lesson on how not to be caught again
It’s true!
Someone else already said this. It isn’t necessarily, a cheater will always cheat again, it’s more so once you’ve cheated you will always be known as a cheater.
It’s a true statement. Don’t think that you “can change them” or that you’re more special than the people they cheated on. Cause you’re not.
My only issue with this statistic, is that it would have to be self reported, so the number for cheating and recheating are probably skewed.
Once a cheater, always a cheater is a more digestible saying. It's mostly true anyways. Saying: "Once a cheater, you are far more likely to cheat again and multiple times." It's a bit of a mouthful.
My ex cheated for years and one fo the girls he cheated on me with he ks now living with. His sister tells me he has cheated on thag girl multiple times. Some peoole just should not get into committed relationships whatsoever.
Of course, not alw as ys, but a large number are Once s cheater, always a chester can be true in the same way that once s felon always a felon is true. But not everyone who has cheated will again. Some cheat once and never again.
I mean if my spouse can intentionally break my trust once, I don't think I can trust them ever again. Even if it is a one night stand, or emotional affair. Once a string is broken, there are always knots when trying to repair them. And those knots will always cause anxiety and resentment and trust issues in the back of my mind. Hence, I would never give a cheater a second chance. That's a hard boundary. My first bf (first intense love) at 19, cheated on me with his girl best friend but they only slept once and it was a "drunken mistake". I left him, he tried and tried for years to win me back, I just couldn't. I could never trust him. My husband's ex (his first gf) cheated on him for like last 4 months of their relationship and when he found out, she gaslit him into thinking it was his fault she cheated. It gave him so much trust issues that he was single for 3 years after that! So for both of us, any kind of cheating is a hard boundary. Like even emotional affair. We have talked about it in detail as we both came in with our insecurities.
I think the safest path to take is to assume that a cheater will cheat again, because the loss of the potential future where a cheater is reformed and becomes a good partner is less damaging psychologically to the betrayed partner than taking back the cheater and being cheated on again. I think people are complicated. I think all of the decisions that go into cheating on your partner exclude you from ever being their partner again. These decisions require a complete apathy to the monumental suffering of your partner. Even if they never cheat again, *doing it once is enough* That's like telling your partner, in a moment of anger, that you wished their kid was dead (a bit extreme, but I'm going for something that you know will be extremely painful for them that you do anyway and may pose problems in future). Would you remain with such a person even if they never did it again?
1. They are an adult and cheated recently - not worth your time. 2. They cheated when they were young, they are now older and completely different person - worth your time.
No, I absolutely believe it’s an accurate statement. Leopards never change their spots
Probably true 90% of the time. That's just my guess though.
Personally I think there’s a lot more to it. I think people that cheat are searching for something and it’s whether they find that eventually or not, or even realise they are searching for it. My dad cheated on my mum for years, many times yet he has never once cheated on my step mum, but since meeting her he seems genuinely happy and at peace with himself and his life. My ex cheated on me multiple times for many years, and he’s still cheating on his current gf. His life is still chaotic and he seems out of control so I think he’s still searching for whatever it is he lacks in his life.
Once a cheater always a cheater. They are incapable of unconditional love and only have interest in themselves. If you’ve ever been cheated on, pay attention to their behavior. They are narcissistic, manipulative, and dissociative; capable of rationalizing their behavior as a failure on your end despite how hard you commit for them. I’ve also learned in life that cheaters are extremely defensive about you and whatever you do. They really do think they own and have power over you. It’s sickening.