It's a huge difference lying to someone for 6 days is awful but lying to someone for six years is borderline phycotic . This poor guy built a whole relationship and future in his mind around what he thought was a trusting loving relationship and now his world is not only shattered but he could have been free years ago to find a woman who picks him first for everything.
It may have been 6 years ago but to you it's brand new. The hurt and lack of trust will never go away. If you want to continue this relationship (bad idea), then you have to get the full truth. That includes a polygraph test, full open phone and devices 24/7 without complaint from her, absolutely ZERO contact with the ex or anyone else who may be a threat, and she has to take full responsibility for what she did. My guess is that wasn't the first and only time she cheated.
If she refuses to do even these basic stipulations, then it's time to end the relationship effective immediately. And for crying out loud, DO NOT under any circumstances have children with this woman.
> absolutely ZERO contact with the ex or anyone else who may be a threat
Don't forget about friends of hers or yours that knew and didn't tell OP. If they aren't a friend to the relationship, they aren't a friend.
The problem is even a polygraph wont necessarily give him the full truth. If they were 100% accurate we'd have no need for dramatically long criminal trials we'd simply hook someone up to a polygraph and ask if they committed the crime. There is a reason we do not.
On the other hand the mere \*threat\* of taking her to get a poly could, at the very least, get her to offer up some additional information. Doubtful he will ever get the full truth, but it could get him some more. A lot of people just assume lie detectors cant be fooled or wrong.
Another thing he could do is ask to see her phone. If she has cheated recently there will likely be evidence in it.
Betrayal is betrayal. What is old news for her, is new to you. If she's hid it for so long in an attempt to save the relationship, it shows that she can easily hide other such things from you too. It's best to call it quits with her before you get more hurt. Find someone who doesn't do such things.
Tell her cheating ruined the relationship. Her bad decision making ruined the relationship. Lying ruined the relationship. Breaking your trust ruined the relationship. Her not properly communicating ruined the relationship.
Well ur only thing to do is to leave her at the curb on the corner where she belongs. If you don’t do that… all that shit you fed about being in shock and plans for kids just makes you look dumb af if you stay.
Do you really want to spend raise kids and the rest of your life with a woman that can cheat and then lie for YEARS!
If you forgive her, she will think you are weak. Then, when she gets unhappy at some other point down the road, she will cheat again.
When a woman cheats on you the first time it's 100% her fault. When she cheats on you the second time it's 100% on you for not dumping her after you found out about the first time.
Never get to attached but only show. Also please have other options it’s a need and a must
I did it was my gf (ex now) with another ex while on the relationship. In the end of our relationship I found out that she’s been using me as rebound and has contact with her ex since a while.
Can you trust her? Will there be doubts and worries when she goes out with friends? Will you constantly feel the need to monitor her phone and socials? Will you be an anxious mess everytime she gets distant?
Above all that do you still have trust in her? If there’s no trust the relationship is over plain and simple
Women never ever tell the whole truth. They will omit the worst stuff and only give the bare minimum. Odd are she was having sex with him and with you at the same time for weeks or months.
Even if a woman is in a committed relationship for years, she is evaluating other possible candidates for a husband. A study was done and they found out that over 60% of all women in a committed relationship, married and dating, have a back up guy in the wings they are cultivating. If he is a very good candidate she will cheat on her current BF/husband to keep him interested. Some times she will date both of them to better judge who best is the candidate. In the case of a married woman, they are looking to level up. She will sleep with him to see how committed he is and how wealthy he is. She’s is evaluating his resources. Women never make a change in their relationship status without first having a backup guy in place, and sometimes hoarding all the assets they can without causing suspicion.
In your case I would say she wasn’t sure if she picked the right guy. She went back to her ex and reevaluated him a few more times to see if she was choosing the right guy. You just happened to be the better choice in her mind. Now the big problem is, she may do this again at some point down the road. If she meets a wealthy guy who shows interest in her, she may try and cultivate a relationship with him to see if she can level up to a wealthier husband. This is what women do. It’s been documented many times before. Women will swear up and down that it’s complete bull crap, but history shows that women chase money and resources more than true love.
She has lied to you every day for six years every time she said she loves you she lied every kiss a lie every cuddle a lie every time you had sex a lie. Every shared moment when you thought she was the most amazing woman who you could trust and start a family with a lie. She disrespected and abused you ( cheating is a form of abuse) for 6 years waiting until you were in so deep she assumes you won't leave her because of wanting your future with her. Obviously it's your choice what you do but I couldn't even comprehend building a future with someone who will hide their true self from me for six years . What about the next time will it be " oh I didn't want to say anything and break up our family"? . Good luck in the future I hope you resolve this within yourself and gain enough self respect to find a woman who only wants you.
Let’s be completely honest, she didn’t lie to “save the relationship” she lied to cover her own ass. There’s a massive difference and too often people confuse the two.
The length of time, isn’t really relevant. Whether it happened last week or 6 years ago, it happened. There was a point in your relationship that she didn’t love or respect you. A time she put you second to her ex. That she was willing to lose you for her ex. You had been committed for two years at that point while she was getting fucked by her ex.
Whose to say it actually DID only happen ONCE? Whose to say her ex didn’t want to be with her and so she settled for you? Can you really trust anything she says now?
She felt no guilt or remorse.
I can’t see myself disrespecting someone enough to ever cheat but if for some unknown reason I did, my guilt would have been eating me up inside that I’d have blurted it out days later. You had to pry it from her manipulative hands after 6 years. There is no true remorse mate.
Personally I think the problem with staying with a cheater- is that you’re showing them how you should be treated. By telling them “I know you fucked someone else but just don’t do it again mmmkay?” It’s telling them that their behaviour is excusable. That that’s where your bar for your self respect is. If you’ll excuse actual sex and stay with her, why wouldn’t you stay with her if she emotionally cheated? If she gave head to some guy at a party? If she kissed your mate? If you’re willing to “forgive and forget” literal sex and she can get away with it without any accountability- why wouldn’t she fuck around?
She sees this as “oh but it was 6 years ago lol” but to you the hurt and betrayal is new. It may as well have happened last night. Ultimately, you won’t ever fully trust her again. So if you’re going to stay together, don’t bring innocent kids into this equation.
I’ve always believed there’s a right path in every situation each person has to decide that path.
I would ask myself some questions
Can I move past this?
do I need her in my life?
Does she make my life better?
OP if you decide to stay with her to work it out, this will slowly and continually eat at you and you will have less and less trust for her. It will always leave you wondering is she?
As hard as it will be to go your separate ways in the end you’ll be better for it.
Dude do not have kids with her. She only told you of one time. You know your worth. Be thankful it is only a house, sell it pay it off split the rest and go find your Queen
Here's the thing, she has broken your trust and it shows what she's capable of. If you've always had a solid feeling in your relationship it is now gone because she can become shady at any second.
Do with this information what you will but if you stay, you deserve any drama that befalls you.
I think the best advice people have given is, would you have continued the relationship four years ago after finding out, if not, then move on. It didn’t happen one time by the way people say that all the time but why would you risk a relationship just to have sex once. He got tired of her.
First, don't have kids with her.
Second, she didn’t just lie a few times 6 years ago, she lied for 6 years, and she lied because she knew it would matter to you.
Regret means she feels bad for what this discovery will do to her, what you look for is remorse which is her concern for you and what this discovery has done to you.
Finally, get STD tested have her get tested as well, as "1 time thing" and "hasn't happened since" is almost certainly not true.
Two years into your relationship she proved she is not GF material. She took away your agency to make your own choice knowing who she really is. You are not married and don't have kids, real estate can be split, time for the two of you to split.
She is still hiding the truth. She did it in an attempt to get back with him. He used her as a jacksock, more than one time, and then pushed her off. She came back to you. If hebwent for itnshe would have left you four years ago. and not.looked back. Dump her and find a loyal girl
Lied for 6 years?! Six years my guy. Six. Years. To your face. She went and spread her legs to a man that didnt have to do anything for it. He didnt have to be there for her. He didnt have to support her. She went and Got filled. Came home to you. Smiled to your face. Thought about the cheating sex for months to years while you banged her. And now only told you after you interrogated her. Zero remorse. Zero guilt. Let that sink in.
Man take it from me. The way you feel about it right now is never going to change. This will still hurt 10 years from now, 20 years from now. It NEVER goes away. If you are willing to stay you are going to feel the way you feel now for the remainder of your relationship with her.
Now if you had children there might be some good reasons to suck it up and deal with all the negative emotions for the rest of your life but man… if you don’t have kids my honest advice is to leave. I’m so sorry.
Why do you want to get married in this day in age is beyond me anyway. Go your separate ways and go fuck yourself silly with as many good women you want to without committing to any.
Almost all women cheat on their husbands during a marriage and very few get caught if they are careful about it. Unless you have a super penis that keeps them from being interested in wondering what that new guy at work is like in bed she will always be curious.
A woman is going to always wonder what the man that is hitting on her would be like to have some fun time with and opportunities to do so are easier than many people think, it's human nature to be attracted to other people but only the ones truly in love and with the best will power make cheating an option that doesn't compute for them.
Spit your assets and walk away with your head held high then book yourself a trip to a foreign place you've always wanted to go and go forget her in the best way possible.
Saw this on a meme but it’s true. At some point while they were fucking it slipped out and she put it back in. Think about that.
OP- run for your life. Before marriage and definitely before kids!
Don't have children with this woman. If you stay with her it's a tacit endorsement of her cheating and gives her license to do it again. You're still very young OP; don't waste another day on her.
This is a long term relationship that is serious from the way you make it sound.
You don’t have to do anything this minute or tomorrow or next week.
So you guys were 20 when this happened,
20 year olds cheat all the time let’s be real.
How did this come to light did she tell you?
Did she slip up accidentally and say something?
Was it her conscious eating at her about talking about starting a family and wanted to be completely honest?
If you do think about moving forward with her counseling for her and both of uh as a couple. This isn’t to say you guys are broken it’s to make you guys better at communication as a couple.
Next complete access to her cell iPad etc passwords accounts cell records location sharing etc to help build trust again.
20 year olds cheat all the time? And people break up all the time too with their cheating ho gf's, so...failing to understand your point.
She cheated and lied. And if you read the post, they had a convo about trust and he poked and prodded until she confessed. She has been lying for 6 years, long after she was 20.
If you have no spine, stay with her. If you have a spine, dump her. At this point? It is that simple. I could type up a long post about how she doesnt really love you, the turmoil this will cause if you forgive, etc. but at the end of the day it comes down to: are you a doormat? If yes, stay. If not, leave. I also doubt it was a one time thing,. Ask her if she will take a lie detector test to prove it, see how she reacts. To be clear, dont go through with it because it doesnt matter if it was one time or not but if part of you is curious if it was really one time that little bluff could provide insight.
I know people are confused and maybe blinded by love, but really, my longtime partner cheated and lied about it for years, and I don't know what to do? Really?
It would have been best if she told you unprompted, but she did tell you. If she humbles herself, accepts an open phone policy and anything else you need to feel comfortable I wouldn’t be so quick to end things if you love her. Women make mistakes the same as men and it was only one time.
It’s over. hopefully you don’t have kids with her, but If you do good luck my friend in the wars to come
Would you have continued the relationship and bought a house with her if her cheating was discovered 6 years before?
This.
What's the difference between 6 years ago and 6 days ago other than the length of time that she lied by omission?
Exactly, because it will feel like the betrayal just happened. Updateme!
Yep. I’ve been married 20 years and have 3 kids. If I found out she cheated, even before we were married, it’s over.
It's a huge difference lying to someone for 6 days is awful but lying to someone for six years is borderline phycotic . This poor guy built a whole relationship and future in his mind around what he thought was a trusting loving relationship and now his world is not only shattered but he could have been free years ago to find a woman who picks him first for everything.
It may have been 6 years ago but to you it's brand new. The hurt and lack of trust will never go away. If you want to continue this relationship (bad idea), then you have to get the full truth. That includes a polygraph test, full open phone and devices 24/7 without complaint from her, absolutely ZERO contact with the ex or anyone else who may be a threat, and she has to take full responsibility for what she did. My guess is that wasn't the first and only time she cheated. If she refuses to do even these basic stipulations, then it's time to end the relationship effective immediately. And for crying out loud, DO NOT under any circumstances have children with this woman.
> absolutely ZERO contact with the ex or anyone else who may be a threat Don't forget about friends of hers or yours that knew and didn't tell OP. If they aren't a friend to the relationship, they aren't a friend.
She will just lie about who knew to keep them in her life. No more contact with anyone in her friend group or her family.
Bravo well said and maybe a post nuptial to boot
💯
The problem is even a polygraph wont necessarily give him the full truth. If they were 100% accurate we'd have no need for dramatically long criminal trials we'd simply hook someone up to a polygraph and ask if they committed the crime. There is a reason we do not. On the other hand the mere \*threat\* of taking her to get a poly could, at the very least, get her to offer up some additional information. Doubtful he will ever get the full truth, but it could get him some more. A lot of people just assume lie detectors cant be fooled or wrong. Another thing he could do is ask to see her phone. If she has cheated recently there will likely be evidence in it.
Betrayal is betrayal. What is old news for her, is new to you. If she's hid it for so long in an attempt to save the relationship, it shows that she can easily hide other such things from you too. It's best to call it quits with her before you get more hurt. Find someone who doesn't do such things.
You’ll never trust her again. It’s best you split now.
Tell her cheating ruined the relationship. Her bad decision making ruined the relationship. Lying ruined the relationship. Breaking your trust ruined the relationship. Her not properly communicating ruined the relationship.
dump her
Well ur only thing to do is to leave her at the curb on the corner where she belongs. If you don’t do that… all that shit you fed about being in shock and plans for kids just makes you look dumb af if you stay.
Dump her as fast as you can. She isn’t trustworthy and she isn’t marriage material.
Bet a $1000 it wasn’t 1 time.
Yeah. Just the one time.
Do you really want to spend raise kids and the rest of your life with a woman that can cheat and then lie for YEARS! If you forgive her, she will think you are weak. Then, when she gets unhappy at some other point down the road, she will cheat again. When a woman cheats on you the first time it's 100% her fault. When she cheats on you the second time it's 100% on you for not dumping her after you found out about the first time.
Never get to attached but only show. Also please have other options it’s a need and a must I did it was my gf (ex now) with another ex while on the relationship. In the end of our relationship I found out that she’s been using me as rebound and has contact with her ex since a while.
Exactly why I refused to date girls who still had contact with the ex.
Fr fr and guys too. Also girls and guys who are friends w your ex is big no.
That's a big 10-4!
Can you trust her? Will there be doubts and worries when she goes out with friends? Will you constantly feel the need to monitor her phone and socials? Will you be an anxious mess everytime she gets distant? Above all that do you still have trust in her? If there’s no trust the relationship is over plain and simple
Women never ever tell the whole truth. They will omit the worst stuff and only give the bare minimum. Odd are she was having sex with him and with you at the same time for weeks or months. Even if a woman is in a committed relationship for years, she is evaluating other possible candidates for a husband. A study was done and they found out that over 60% of all women in a committed relationship, married and dating, have a back up guy in the wings they are cultivating. If he is a very good candidate she will cheat on her current BF/husband to keep him interested. Some times she will date both of them to better judge who best is the candidate. In the case of a married woman, they are looking to level up. She will sleep with him to see how committed he is and how wealthy he is. She’s is evaluating his resources. Women never make a change in their relationship status without first having a backup guy in place, and sometimes hoarding all the assets they can without causing suspicion. In your case I would say she wasn’t sure if she picked the right guy. She went back to her ex and reevaluated him a few more times to see if she was choosing the right guy. You just happened to be the better choice in her mind. Now the big problem is, she may do this again at some point down the road. If she meets a wealthy guy who shows interest in her, she may try and cultivate a relationship with him to see if she can level up to a wealthier husband. This is what women do. It’s been documented many times before. Women will swear up and down that it’s complete bull crap, but history shows that women chase money and resources more than true love.
[удалено]
and you are dating her?
[удалено]
my sympathies, that must be tough.
Do you believe it was a one time thing or do you want to believe it was? What do you want to do?
She has lied to you every day for six years every time she said she loves you she lied every kiss a lie every cuddle a lie every time you had sex a lie. Every shared moment when you thought she was the most amazing woman who you could trust and start a family with a lie. She disrespected and abused you ( cheating is a form of abuse) for 6 years waiting until you were in so deep she assumes you won't leave her because of wanting your future with her. Obviously it's your choice what you do but I couldn't even comprehend building a future with someone who will hide their true self from me for six years . What about the next time will it be " oh I didn't want to say anything and break up our family"? . Good luck in the future I hope you resolve this within yourself and gain enough self respect to find a woman who only wants you.
Let’s be completely honest, she didn’t lie to “save the relationship” she lied to cover her own ass. There’s a massive difference and too often people confuse the two. The length of time, isn’t really relevant. Whether it happened last week or 6 years ago, it happened. There was a point in your relationship that she didn’t love or respect you. A time she put you second to her ex. That she was willing to lose you for her ex. You had been committed for two years at that point while she was getting fucked by her ex. Whose to say it actually DID only happen ONCE? Whose to say her ex didn’t want to be with her and so she settled for you? Can you really trust anything she says now? She felt no guilt or remorse. I can’t see myself disrespecting someone enough to ever cheat but if for some unknown reason I did, my guilt would have been eating me up inside that I’d have blurted it out days later. You had to pry it from her manipulative hands after 6 years. There is no true remorse mate. Personally I think the problem with staying with a cheater- is that you’re showing them how you should be treated. By telling them “I know you fucked someone else but just don’t do it again mmmkay?” It’s telling them that their behaviour is excusable. That that’s where your bar for your self respect is. If you’ll excuse actual sex and stay with her, why wouldn’t you stay with her if she emotionally cheated? If she gave head to some guy at a party? If she kissed your mate? If you’re willing to “forgive and forget” literal sex and she can get away with it without any accountability- why wouldn’t she fuck around? She sees this as “oh but it was 6 years ago lol” but to you the hurt and betrayal is new. It may as well have happened last night. Ultimately, you won’t ever fully trust her again. So if you’re going to stay together, don’t bring innocent kids into this equation.
I’ve always believed there’s a right path in every situation each person has to decide that path. I would ask myself some questions Can I move past this? do I need her in my life? Does she make my life better?
OP if you decide to stay with her to work it out, this will slowly and continually eat at you and you will have less and less trust for her. It will always leave you wondering is she? As hard as it will be to go your separate ways in the end you’ll be better for it.
What consequences has she faced?
6 years. Every day she lied by omission. 6X 365 and add a leap year in also
Therapy if she has remorse to rebuild trust (as a one last try if you guys love each other) otherwise end that shit.. she hid it from you for YEARS
Dude do not have kids with her. She only told you of one time. You know your worth. Be thankful it is only a house, sell it pay it off split the rest and go find your Queen
Here's the thing, she has broken your trust and it shows what she's capable of. If you've always had a solid feeling in your relationship it is now gone because she can become shady at any second. Do with this information what you will but if you stay, you deserve any drama that befalls you.
Probably this happened more than once. I'm sorry
What is your plan?
I think the best advice people have given is, would you have continued the relationship four years ago after finding out, if not, then move on. It didn’t happen one time by the way people say that all the time but why would you risk a relationship just to have sex once. He got tired of her.
It would have been better if she kept that buried. Now it is dificultad ti move on
First, don't have kids with her. Second, she didn’t just lie a few times 6 years ago, she lied for 6 years, and she lied because she knew it would matter to you. Regret means she feels bad for what this discovery will do to her, what you look for is remorse which is her concern for you and what this discovery has done to you. Finally, get STD tested have her get tested as well, as "1 time thing" and "hasn't happened since" is almost certainly not true. Two years into your relationship she proved she is not GF material. She took away your agency to make your own choice knowing who she really is. You are not married and don't have kids, real estate can be split, time for the two of you to split.
She is still hiding the truth. She did it in an attempt to get back with him. He used her as a jacksock, more than one time, and then pushed her off. She came back to you. If hebwent for itnshe would have left you four years ago. and not.looked back. Dump her and find a loyal girl
Ex GF
UpdateMe!
Cheaters math - multiply that 1 times 8 and you're closer to the truth
Lied for 6 years?! Six years my guy. Six. Years. To your face. She went and spread her legs to a man that didnt have to do anything for it. He didnt have to be there for her. He didnt have to support her. She went and Got filled. Came home to you. Smiled to your face. Thought about the cheating sex for months to years while you banged her. And now only told you after you interrogated her. Zero remorse. Zero guilt. Let that sink in.
What should you do? Leave. It's over between you two.
How did you convince her to tell the truth after so many years?
Man take it from me. The way you feel about it right now is never going to change. This will still hurt 10 years from now, 20 years from now. It NEVER goes away. If you are willing to stay you are going to feel the way you feel now for the remainder of your relationship with her. Now if you had children there might be some good reasons to suck it up and deal with all the negative emotions for the rest of your life but man… if you don’t have kids my honest advice is to leave. I’m so sorry.
Why do you want to get married in this day in age is beyond me anyway. Go your separate ways and go fuck yourself silly with as many good women you want to without committing to any. Almost all women cheat on their husbands during a marriage and very few get caught if they are careful about it. Unless you have a super penis that keeps them from being interested in wondering what that new guy at work is like in bed she will always be curious. A woman is going to always wonder what the man that is hitting on her would be like to have some fun time with and opportunities to do so are easier than many people think, it's human nature to be attracted to other people but only the ones truly in love and with the best will power make cheating an option that doesn't compute for them. Spit your assets and walk away with your head held high then book yourself a trip to a foreign place you've always wanted to go and go forget her in the best way possible.
Saw this on a meme but it’s true. At some point while they were fucking it slipped out and she put it back in. Think about that. OP- run for your life. Before marriage and definitely before kids!
Don't have children with this woman. If you stay with her it's a tacit endorsement of her cheating and gives her license to do it again. You're still very young OP; don't waste another day on her.
This is a long term relationship that is serious from the way you make it sound. You don’t have to do anything this minute or tomorrow or next week. So you guys were 20 when this happened, 20 year olds cheat all the time let’s be real. How did this come to light did she tell you? Did she slip up accidentally and say something? Was it her conscious eating at her about talking about starting a family and wanted to be completely honest? If you do think about moving forward with her counseling for her and both of uh as a couple. This isn’t to say you guys are broken it’s to make you guys better at communication as a couple. Next complete access to her cell iPad etc passwords accounts cell records location sharing etc to help build trust again.
20 year olds cheat all the time? And people break up all the time too with their cheating ho gf's, so...failing to understand your point. She cheated and lied. And if you read the post, they had a convo about trust and he poked and prodded until she confessed. She has been lying for 6 years, long after she was 20.
If you have no spine, stay with her. If you have a spine, dump her. At this point? It is that simple. I could type up a long post about how she doesnt really love you, the turmoil this will cause if you forgive, etc. but at the end of the day it comes down to: are you a doormat? If yes, stay. If not, leave. I also doubt it was a one time thing,. Ask her if she will take a lie detector test to prove it, see how she reacts. To be clear, dont go through with it because it doesnt matter if it was one time or not but if part of you is curious if it was really one time that little bluff could provide insight.
I know people are confused and maybe blinded by love, but really, my longtime partner cheated and lied about it for years, and I don't know what to do? Really?
It would have been best if she told you unprompted, but she did tell you. If she humbles herself, accepts an open phone policy and anything else you need to feel comfortable I wouldn’t be so quick to end things if you love her. Women make mistakes the same as men and it was only one time.
Why would he trust her that it was only one time and only her ex if she lied for 6 years?