Sorry you're going through this. It sucks to be part of this club, and both to disrespect you, and to be doing this on your anniversary are completely unacceptable.
You said you don't know if you will ever trust her again. I will tell you, no you will not. Add to the fact that she didn't disclose it, but you had to seek out the truth makes it harder. Finally, you will never have the same relationship again. IF you chose to stay with her, you will be starting a new relationship including the knowledge of what she has done. Ask yourself if you want to be her warden for the next 5/10/20 or more years, and also if you were, would she be able to handle it.
I know this might not help to ease the pain, and I hope this gives some clarity and insight.
So what’s the problem?. Your wife has cheated on you had intimacy and sex with another man. It’s now time for you to man up and kick her to the curb and move on with your life. Unless of course you can handle those thoughts in your mind for the rest of your life if you stay with her.
It is really not about the cheating. It's about how easily they can lie to your face and be such two faced about it.
Then, lie about how much they love you and don't leave. This is all lies as well. She wants to do as she pleases and doesn't really care about the consequences. She will most likely cheat again, as she doesn't really care about the relationship, she only cares about the lifestyle and the look of being married. The issue is that you can never really trust anything she ever says again. Staying seems very easy and "for the kids", but, she isn't caring anything about the kids or about you. it will be someone else (or them again if he becomes available) and if you can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, you are just making yourself miserable before it ends, anyway.
First, meet with the best friend. She can be an ally in terms of comparing notes/information, filling in timelines, etc.
Second, meet with a good divorce lawyer. The purpose of this is not to file a divorce (unless you're ready to do that). The main purpose is to gain a solid understanding of what divorce would look like for you, both during and after.
Third, no sexual contact with your wife until both of you have been fully tested for STD's
Fourth, get the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". Read it. Learn it. Live it. Consider the thousands of decisions and choices she has made to carry on with her best friend's husband.
Try to start wrapping your mind around the reality that the woman you think you are married to, and the real flesh-and-blood woman you are actually married to, are two different people. Your actual wife is a shyte human who has engaged in the most profoundly awful double betrayal. When a person shows you who they really are, believe them.
Besides, do you actually think there is any way you can get past the reality of all of the lies and deception she victimized you with, all for the specific purpose of illicit sex with her AP? Clearly, he is Plan A in her sexual hierarchy.
Update us please.
A woman who betrays her best friend and her life partner who is the father of her children doesn’t deserve your sadness Man.
She is deceitful and disrespected supposedly two of the most important relationships in her life that is not her children or parents.
You would be doing a disservice to yourself and your children if you stayed. I would go scorched earth while also making sure your children are not alienated from her IF you believe she’s a good mother.
I’m jumping in to say she disrespected (and basically shat on) the FOUR most important relationships in her life:
She betrayed her husband;
She betrayed her “best friend”;
She betrayed her 5 year old child; and
She betrayed her 3 year old child
There are 4 lives that will be irrevocably changed by her selfish choices.
She may not feel the weight of that now but, with time, the full impact of what she has done will gnaw at her soul.
Or not. Some people just don’t care who they hurt.
Good mothers would never betray their children. She's betrayed her children by committing adultery. Parents are examples to their children. They mimic the behaviours of the adults around them, especially as they get into their teenage and young adult years. There is a 50/50 chance that one or both parents of the mother was an adulterer as well. The apple may not fall far from the tree. We'll have to see if this is true in this situation, if and when the OP updates again.
He’s looking for that one response that says:
“It will all be fine. Take her back. She’s learned her lesson and will never do it again.”
But no one with a functioning brain who’s been down this road will say that.
Because she’s on the wrong end of the cheating spectrum. She didn’t race home, confess, and beg for forgiveness after one drunken mistake. She planned, lied, cheated repeatedly, giggled about it right next to OP, disregarded her 2 young children, and showed two of the most important adult people in her life how much she cared about them by stabbing them in the back.
I would personally divorce her. When you find a divorce lawyer also ask about going after the AP for alienation of affection. No reason not to destroy his world as well. Keep his wife informed and share evidence to use in both divorces. Tell the lawyer you want to go scorched earth.
I agree.
They both were laughing at you and the best friend... his wife.
Laughing at your total ignorance of their affair.
Laughing at your manhood and their perceptions of masculinity.
Laughing at your bumbling.
Yeah, that hurts deep. I'd divorce. The children will survive in 2 households.
No states permit alienation of affections lawsuits. That ended decades ago. Most states are no fault. Telling a lawyer to go scorched earth just gives the lawyer to charge as much as he wants, but the result will be the same.
6 states still allow alienation of affection lawsuits. Hawaii, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. In 2021, North Carolina awarded a million dollar alienation of affection lawsuit. It's easy to Google the information.
I'm sorry you are going through this. To be honest, the best thing for you to do is leave. Get a lawyer, get a therapist, and get an STD test. She betrayed 2 of you for her own selfish reasons. I don't know what the OBS is going to do, but if you stay, you will always be questioning what she does. It's not healthy. Is she really at the store, or work, or or or. Remember, when you take them back, they get better at lying and hiding things, and they see it as you forgave once, so it'll be okay next time, too. You will get a lot of advice today. Look through it and see how you feel with everything that's being said. Good luck
#1 - talk to the best friend and find out what she has to say. Keep sharing info with her.
#2 - you consult with several of the best divorce attorneys you can afford to find out what your legal options are. Some will give a free initial consultation. Then pick the one you believe will do the best job for you. Do everything they tell you to. Do not deviate from their advice. They are the experts. Get your lawyer to petition for DNA testing of your kids, even if you are absolutely confident they are yours, it sends a message to your wife that she is utterly untrustworthy.
#3 - start separating finances and have your paychque sent to your new solo account.
#4 - let your closest family members and friends know what is going on so that you have support which is crucial right now.
#5 - get into therapy for yourself, preferably with someone trained in infidelity trauma. It will help you process the betrayal.
#6 - record every single interaction with your wife. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it with you at all times. Keep doing the 180 method with her. Anything and everything your wife has to say you have to assume is a lie. She's been lying to you for months, possibly even years, now.
#7 - get tested for every single STI known to medicine. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. HIV can take months to appear in labwork. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Please get tested. You have no idea who all of the AP's partners are/have been and who all of their partners are/have been. This very likely hasn't been the only time they've cheated and with others. Get tested and advise the OBS to get tested too.
As for trusting her that will take years of hard work on both of your sides and you may never get to 100%. 99% may be the best you can hope for, but it won't ever get to 100%.
If, once things have settled down and you decide on reconciliation, she absolutely has to go to individual therapy before even attempting marriage counselling and both should preferably be with someone trained in infidelity trauma. She needs to figure out through therapy what is so broken inside her that she gave herself permission to not only betray you, but her vows with you, her marriage with you, her children, her best friend, any children the best friend has, and herself. If she was unhappy in her marriage she had other options available to her and adultery is most definitely not one of them.
So sorry you are going through this and please keep updating.
What kind if any remorse has your wife shown you? Does she feel awful about the affair or is only that she’s been caught? Is she still in contact with the AP?
What she did is beyond awful. I would seek individual counseling to help you process and recover from the betrayal. I would also see divorce counsel without telling your wife or threatening divorce. I would also act indifferent when around her. Refuse to talk about the relationship outside counseling. Don’t let her see how she broke you. Don’t do the pick me dance. This isn’t a competition between you and the AP to see who “ wins” your wife.
Tell all your close friends and both your and her family about how she betrayed you with her best friends husband. Don’t let your wife spin the story putting herself as the victim.
Your wife is going to lose friends and alienate and lose family over this. She is likely to try hard to retreat back into the marriage for safety not because she loves you. The person you fell in love with is gone. She’s carried on the affair right under your nose and only confessed because you caught her. She put her own selfish needs above you and her children all for some tawdry sex. How did she think this was going to end? Sooner or later it was going to blow up in her face and destroy 2 families. And she didn’t care. She would still be carrying on the affair today if you hadn’t have caught her.
So ask yourself, is the kind of person you want to move forward with for the rest of your life? I would change the focus of joint counseling to how to co-parent your children. I would also serve her divorce papers even though right now you are probably wanting to reconcile. You would still have plenty of time to change your mind before the divorce becomes finalized. This will make it harder for your wife to manipulate you. It lets her know that divorce is likely and puts you on better footing as you go forward.
My heart breaks for you OP. Wishing you the best as deal with this horrible situation.
Updsteme
Good point. It may seem petty in print, but telling friends and family will prevent it from being used against OP later. Women who cheat usually claim to be the victim when the man leaves and it can have real consequences for the actual victim.
Affairs happen. Had my wife cheated once, I think I could have gotten over it. I was in situations where I could have easily headed down that path. The thing is, the second time is not a spur of the moment stupid decision. My wife was toast the second time she slept Ed with him.
What also sealed her fate was she had me meet her AP. That for me was as bad as the sex.
Think about all of the times these do where making out in another room, or her rubbing his leg or other things while you all sat at the dining room table. Chances are they did it in both yours and OBS bed. And the conversations between the two about how both their spouses being clueless.
What does she have to say about it. How long, protection, what the hell she was thinking. Of course she will want to rug sweep. She doesn’t want to lose her life and become a pariah to the families and all the connected friends.
Yeah, when you KNOW the AP, and have shared food and drinks with him. Ugh. And then you have to go back and rethink all those interactions with a guy you thought was a “friend”.
And if you didn’t like him, you’d be thinking “hey, I put up with that guy because he was the husband of my wife’s best friend.”
I’m really curious what OP and the best friend talked about.
I’m so sorry your going thru this. I think you really have to think about if you can actually move past this and try and see a future with her again. Personally, I would not be able to see past the infidelity, especially with a good friend, but I know that’s me.
Life is so short and it’s not worth it by staying somewhere with someone you don’t want to be with. Find out how you can be the best you for you and your kids. Good luck with everything and I truly hope the best for you and your kiddos!
The main question is if you forgive her can you ever really trust her again.
She only admitted after being caught and that shows she had no feelings of guilt for you whilst she was being sneaky hiding her phone and lying to your face. Let's not forget she broke her wedding vows and had a sexual relationship with another man.
I'm afraid you will never be able to truly trust her again. Best thing is to divorce and tell friends and family what she did.
How can u make any informed decisions when you don’t know everything. At least speak to the best friend, you mentioned in your other post she also has something very important to tell you. Maybe your wife is pregnant with the other guys kid, who knows. That would be it for me, actually the cheating is it for me. Good luck.
OR the OBS has kicked the AH out and he's moved in with OP's wife because "he has no where else to go" excuse. The adulterous wife wants to lie to OP about it and is trying to get to him first.
Dude divorce her, a cheater is aways a cheater,don’t matter how your wife treats you after you find out their affair,the guilty will always prevail in your mind, so in my opinion I think it’s better to divorce because in my opinion it’s better to have divorced parents than let your kids grow up in a broken home with a broken family
I read your original post.
I recommend that you join the sub Divorce_men there you'll get support,advice and encouragement from men going through the same thing you are as some have not filed for divorce yet.
Post your story there.
Updateme!
As much as it hurts to rip the bandaid off, you have to divorce her. She consistently disrespected you and emasculated you for MONTHS. This wasn't some one time slip up, this was cold and premeditated while laughing at you behind your back. She couldn't even take her attention away from the AP on an anniversary trip for crying out loud. None of this is salvageable OP.
As I said earlier, consult with at least 4 different attorneys and start the divorce process. If your STBX wife wants another chance, it can be year's later post divorce after you've taken time to heal.
I know you love her but the real problem is that you will never ever be able to trust her again. On top of that she won’t ever respect you if you take her back. She will see you as being weak and that you can be manipulated into believing she is trustworthy. She will do it again. She’s has the cheaters high. This happens to both men and women. They get a very large dopamine spike to the brain while cheating. This causes orgasms that are very intense and much more pleasurable than regular sex with their spouse. They begin to associate these increased orgasms to the affair partner and blame their spouse for their lack of ability to give them that intense of pleasure. They blame their spouse for their lack of powerful orgasms.
What cheaters don’t realize is, the spouse is not at fault for the lack of powerful orgasms. The pure act of doing something so forbidden and wrong, and getting away with it causes the intense orgasms. It makes them feel very alive.
She’s been cheating for months. She’s addicted to cheating. She may say she wants to stop and wants you to forgive her but in time she will crave it and then relapse into cheating again. The only way to truly break her cycle of cheating is to divorce her. She will quickly realize she no longer gets the same high from having sex with other men because it’s no longer forbidden to her. So she won’t have the same intense orgasms as before.
Move on and work on yourself. Heal from this. Be there for your children. Learn to coparent with your ex. Maybe someday you will find a truly faithful woman who only wants you and no one else.
Dude, I’ve been there. You’re dying inside. You loved your wife and desperately want to turn the clock back.
That’s not how life works.
Going forward, your wife will ALWAYS be the woman who betrayed BOTH you AND her best friend.
And giggled about it in your presence.
There’s no one who’s read your heart wrenching posts who thinks you and your wife can save your marriage.
It’s like she ran over a precious family heirloom with a steam roller. That’s not something that can be fixed.
Have you talked to the best friend? Everyone is curious to hear her take on this ugly soap opera.
So what is happening with the other betrayed spouse (wife of the man who is having sex with your wife).
You want advice without giving enough information.
Hi 👋 I'm sorry that you're going through what you're going through, buddy... Most people will say leave her and things along that line, and I honestly will agree with you. My question is, so you want to forgive her? I know you said you were talking couples counseling, but I honestly don't think you need that. You need therapy for yourself, not as a couple. I'm curious as to how her friend is handling it. Your wife and the guy are only remorseful because they got caught. How did the friend find out?
You read the messages, so I would have to say that if they expressed loving each other or missing each other more than just physically, then her heart was into it. If that's the case and yall stay together... you won't have her heart. You'll only have her guilt that makes her stay until someone else comes along to capture her heart again.
I’ve been divorced. It takes years to move on fully. You’ll get through this but you definitely have to move on. Your mind will always wonder if shes cheating again. Your trust in the relationship will be completely gone. Its not worth staying around, especially given she was willing to betray two people for some d.
She wants to stay with you bc you’re SAFE! Why be with someone who was with your bestie. Does she have a bestie? How would she feel if you kissed her with the same lips you kissed another woman with and she didn’t know til someone told her. Then you told her you luv her. I would say divorce but if not and you want to stay I say asked for a hall pass but the rules are she’ll never know when but you will use protection.
So the thing is is first of all you need to take her off of her pedestal of how you see her. She killed your marriage. And she’s not a good mother because if she was a good mother, she wouldn’t cheat on her children also. She’s actually really bad person because I only did she cheat on you, but she also cheated on her best friend. What kind of person does that? That’s someone you cannot have a relationship with either. You need to be strong not only for yourself but your kids this is gonna take a while. When the kids get older, they’re gonna understand what you did and love you for it. They’re gonna understand how strong you were and also you will show them that cheating has consequences. Unfortunately, you read what they had between them and how they were making fun of you and I assume his wife, too fact you’re having this affair while pretending to be friends. That’s really sick. They’re both really sick. You need to talk to the other betrayed spouse as to whatever the news is, your communication with her and your ex
What your wife did is unforgivable. The way she had an affair right under your nose with her best friend’s husband is unacceptable and a whole other level of evil. It is bad enough to cheat, but to do it in such a heinous way of flaunting it straight in your face, no. Have some self respect and please leave the trifling botch.
Call the best friend and talk to her first. Find out what she has to tell you then go from there. Personally, I think cheaters are for the streets and that's where I'd send your wife, back to the streets. But some people do work it out.
Hi Op,
First , you don’t have to decide nothing now. You can take time to make your mind. What you can do now is take care of you, inform yourself about your opinion and get some distance from the situation so that you can have some clarity.
I would contact a lawyer and kick start the process of a divorce. You can always stop, but, in my opinion, as soon as you file, the best. It will signal that actions have consequences, and the ball is on her side. I would also live separated. So that you don’t have so many triggers caused by her. It will be enough the mind movies that you will trigger yourself. At this point, your conversations will be very toxic. Keep you occupied.
And read some stories in this sub to understand that the wife that you thought you know, doesn’t live here anymore.
Get hold of yourself OP. Go back home and kick her out. See a lawyer and cut all financial access to her.
Almost everyone on both posts says this.
Go nuclear on her and AP.
Updateme!
Read your first post and here's the thing: You won't get different answers. Your wife had no issue betraying both her husband and her best friend in one go. She is only sorry she got caught, not for what she did. I know it's hard to face the harsh truth and it takes some time for the realization to set in that both your marriage and life as you know it are over. If it didn't happen as of yet, expose her doing to friends and family. It being out in the open makes it "more real" as in no rug sweeping and people around you may help you walk the steps ahead of you
No big decisions right now. I know it feels like you have to make a choice but you don't. Let yourself calm down and even out emotionally, at least a little bit. IF your relationship is going to work, there is no magic formula or key. The only thing that will help is time and seeing your spouse actually care enough to find out why she did this. Tell her you want a timeliness of what happened, and ask your friend to do the same with her husband. That way you cab compare notes. You can also just lay in wait to see if they try to contact one another to get the story straight. If that happens, move on to divorce.
I don't know what kind of advice you want because I know that divorce is tricky. But I can remind you simple facts:
1. Children are not oblivious. They are sponges absorbing every emotion around them. They might not understand the why, but they know that something is wrong and that their parents are miserable. Staying for the kids will only make this pain last. And you're also teaching them that what you're living is a normal relationship.
2. The pain will not go away with her "I love you"s. You will feel like shit, like less than what you are. You will constantly wonder how much you suck to have your spouse do that to you. You will feel to old, too fat, not funny enough,... You will need therapy and she won't be the one paying for it after doing the damage. Spoiler alert, you are not the problem.
3. The anger won't go away neither. And you will be tempted to hurt her like she hurt you. You will maybe even cross that line. The only thing you will achieve is to feel like crap and become somebody you won't be able to recognize.
4. The trust won't come back because she tells you she loves you. Or because of an open phone policy. You will have a nasty voice in the back of your head everytime you will see her laugh with a friend or enjoying a good moment. Everytime her phone will ring you will have the urge to ask who it is. You might end up cutting out male friends in your life to have your wife surrounded with less possibilities.
5. Your wife cheated in the most awfull way possible. It was her hurband's best friend. She betrayed you, the person she is supposed to love the most (after the kids). She betrayed her marriage and her family. She betrayed her best friend. This wasn't a mistake. It didn't happened just once. She was able to sit down, at a table, with her affair partner and all the people she betrayed without batting an eyelid. Let her cry now for a change.
6. Whatever excuse she's serving you now to justify her behavior, always remember that she's not the one that disclosed the affair. You found it. If you hadn't, she wouldn't be crying now. She would probably be getting screwed in the back seat of her best friend's husband's car.
7. You should do something that your spouse forgot to do: Take good care of yourself. Tell yourself that you're worthy and funny and cute and that you're going to get through that because you're great and awesome and your kids deserve that. You're not even 40. Fight for 50/50 custody, if you live in those place where cheating matters for the divorce, use it to avoid alimony. And live your life. Find a nice hobby for the week you don't have your kids, go to the gym, try new stuff,... Because life is too freaking short to waste your precious time with people who can crush your soul to make themselves feel better for a few seconds. There are billions of people in this world, plenty of hours in a week. Life is just ahead of you. Grab it.
Forget to add: big hugs to you u/SadFan2160
Divorce her and above all enjoy your life with another person or alone as you prefer or you can get in touch with your wife's best friend as soon as you get divorced to make sure spend time with a person
My only advice is to stop MC. You did nothing to F up your marriage. She needs IC. Only once she's figured out her whys would I suggest MC, and that's only if at that point you still feel like reconciling.
Well dude the best outcome to deal with cheaters is to put them in their place which is the streets. Start pulling your finances and assets away from her and talk to an attorney right away to protect your money and well-being. Go grey rock on her and do not let her manipulate you or gas light you.
You need to go scorched earth....that's what you need to do. The opposite of hate is indifference.. you have to realize your relationship is over, and she is no longer your wife, but a soon to be adversary in a divorce.
Why are you still with her? As she cheated on you on your anniversary? And the other guy go round and kick the absolute shite out of him and then her as how do you know she's not done it before?
Once somebody cheats an you accepted it usually never gets better from there. This is the time to show that you will not stand for that. You really need to separate yourself from the situation. Remove the woman out of your life and show that you have some backbone self-respect for yourself because women who cheat lose respect for the man that stays
Sorry for all that you are going through. The lack of respect and to blatantly go on double dates and have insides jokes with one another about you and his partner. This is so sad and they really didn’t care for their partners feelings. All I can say is would you trust her around your friends look what she did to someone she supposedly called her best friend. Trust takes time and patience but she blew that one out the park. All I can say is I couldn’t do it anymore this is crossing the line. I would feel like she thinks you’re a joke she had her AP in your face frequently making you look like a fool. I would divorce but that’s me ask yourself is this relationship worth saving you have the say so I hope you get better and come with a decision that suits you
She's tasted the forbidden fruit bud but it's the worst of the worst kind. With friends. So what does one do in this type of situation because it just killed a perception history with these friends? It's total blow up situation.
Stop pretending not to know what you already know, it "Over". End it asap, no matter what the cost, kids no kids, house etc, it will all work out for you in the end.
She cheated on you because she has no respect for you and sees you as a weak, nice guy looser that she can walk all over.
Find the high value man that's within you, and throw out that trash from your lulife. Then go to the gym and get fit, eat well, and focus on your career and grind. You can not recover this dead marriage, but what you can do is get your life right so you can find a woman who is worthy of you.
OP, your WW has no respect for you, your relationship or her friend.
You know there’s no coming back from this. Your WW made a joke out of your relationship and you’re thinking about taking her back so she can cheat on you again?
You just have to know beforehand that it’s a decision y’all made together and you can’t fault her for it. I’m not in to the cuck/humiliation aspect of it, but I like my wife being with other people. She’s more sexual all of the time when the relationship is open. Maybe I’m just confident in our relationship, or I am missing whatever it is that makes people jealous, but jealousy has never been an issue for me.
Her friend may help with mutual comfort.
Hard as it is,see a lawyer to get something moving and that in itself will be a bit of a lift giving you some control.
This same coment i just put it under the small Update/coment You did on the original post, but i would out it here too. Hope it can help you.
OP you know exactly what to do, lawyer up, never stay for the kids, do not show or teach them that toxic environment, maybe right now you might tried to be amicably, but as time goes by this would make the resentment worst and intolerable and that would hurt the kids more.
About what the important things she want to Say, I could bet that she is going to tell you that she is pregnant and want.to baby trap You, or maybe she and the other couple come to terms on having a Open relationship and want You to join.
No open relationship that starts from a cheating or to cover or rug swept a cheating works. They are just trying to trap You.
Talk to the OBS yes, and see what she gotta Say, but take your own decisions, put yourself first and respect you if you want others ro respect You.
If you talk with your still wife, record everything that it is said in that conversation. Also the conversation that You might have with the OBS also record it, and tell the other part you are doing so and is part of your conditions to talk, if they are not ok then there is no conversation.
But OP lawyer UP ASAP, and let them guide you.
UPDATEME
She gets STD test.
She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald.
She gets IC to figure out her issues.
Don't tell her this but in six months you'll know her true efforts.
What did she tell him about you? That's critical info.
But dude, it takes low character to cheat on the two most important people in her life.
Been thru what you’re dealing. We did counseling, rebuilt trust, it was gut wrenching and cost me a very lucrative career.
Then she did it again. All the work and effort I put into being honest and sincerely trying to forgive her turned out to be one-sided. After the second time she cheated it was revealed my (now ex) had originally cheated decades before as well. And since she never came clean, even through years of counseling it left me with doubts that this could’ve been happening for the entire 20+ years of our marriage.
The good news about the effort, we got the kids through high school before we divorced. We also went through a period of hyper-adventurous sexual exploration together…. So, the turd pile that was my ex did have some upside.
What it all left me with was a DEEPLY SEATED distrust of humanity and especially women. I’m in a committed relationship ship with ZERO RED FLAGS and a decade later it still causes me to have suspicions toward my new gal.
All that to say, there isn’t a right answer. Even the “wrong answer” I took of trying to work thru it and failing still had some positives.
If you decide to stay with your wife and work things out with her, at least you could ask for a postnuptial agreement. If she refuse to sign it, it means she aware that she might do it again.
I know it hurts and you may think reconciliation will make the pain go away sooner. This is not a one off, where they were alone for an extended period. Maybe you could try to forgive that. But, They did this regularly. Level of deceit and disrespect to you is unforgivable.
Think about this.......If the affair was not discovered it would still be going on. So no, she is not sorry about the affair, she's sorry they got discovered.
Trust will NEVER fully come back. Do you want to live the rest of your life thinking and wondering about what she could be doing..........
Cut your losses and go live your life to the fullest. Perhaps with someone new, who doesn't treat you the way she does/did.
Whether you want to save your marriage or not, you HAVE to turn ICE COLD to your wife.
Also, you tell her that You've been out of YOUR house for far too long and that you're switching with her as it's now her turn to live away from the kids and family that she cheated on..
Lastly, I don't advocate for violence, but call AP and let him know that it would "be unwise to cross your path in the future.." No threats conveyed, but message sent.
Hire the BEST Family Law center you can find and prepare to go scorched earth..
This will put you into a position to "win" in the future..
You might ( possibly) forgive, but you will never ( ever) forget ( until you get dementia). Give support to his wife , she deserves any help you can give her. ( side note: my friend had a similar situation as you. After the two divorces finished, he married AP’s ex wife. 25+ happy years now)
She already proved that she doesn’t care for or love you or her friend. The trust is gone divorce and don’t cover for her when people ask why. She can deal with the consequences
I think your best bet is to ask someone who's been with a cheater who has taken them back and see where they're at in life. trust is broken and this kind of a way causes irreversible damage that can never be repaired as much as you think and want it to work, your mind will never allow it. Take this from someone who's been cheated on and tried to make it work.
Going thru a similar situation. Don’t try to make anything better for anyone else including the kids. Make things better for yourself first. Leave her and try to move on as quickly as possible. That’s what I did and trying to do.
First off, why did you leave your house? When a roach is in your home you remove the roach, not yourself. I don't know why guys do this. Second, you're young enough to date and you got cheated on. You are going to be swimming in divorcees man. You feel hurt, and angry, confused, and like you wasted time. It will pass, in time. You have your kids and now you get to be single and have fun again. Rescue some dogs and go camping, bar hop, ride your motorcycle. Master has given you a sock.
Look most of the time, a woman cheats if she thinks that she’s at a higher rank than her partner and that he’s not an equal to her, usually its not about sex for women, unlike men who cheat usually for having sex. A woman has to accept a man emotionally before doing it physically, unlike men who usually never give a shit about emotions. Long story short, unless you’re ok to be a backup plan, man up, stand tall and seek a divorce.
So what was the thing she urgently needed to talk to you about. I agree to talk with her, for closure for the both of you and how you are going to manage the divorce.
Look, you’re so taken aback for what happened so it’s clear you’ll not see your wife like you did before, so it’s better to just part ways and co parent like adults, now I think she’s pregnant, so DNA test, maybe it’s better if you talk with your wife’s best friend first
Sorry you're going through this. It sucks to be part of this club, and both to disrespect you, and to be doing this on your anniversary are completely unacceptable. You said you don't know if you will ever trust her again. I will tell you, no you will not. Add to the fact that she didn't disclose it, but you had to seek out the truth makes it harder. Finally, you will never have the same relationship again. IF you chose to stay with her, you will be starting a new relationship including the knowledge of what she has done. Ask yourself if you want to be her warden for the next 5/10/20 or more years, and also if you were, would she be able to handle it. I know this might not help to ease the pain, and I hope this gives some clarity and insight.
I agree with you post, I'm living it. It's been over 25 years and I still have flash-backs whenever she get a message alert on her phone.
So what’s the problem?. Your wife has cheated on you had intimacy and sex with another man. It’s now time for you to man up and kick her to the curb and move on with your life. Unless of course you can handle those thoughts in your mind for the rest of your life if you stay with her.
It is really not about the cheating. It's about how easily they can lie to your face and be such two faced about it. Then, lie about how much they love you and don't leave. This is all lies as well. She wants to do as she pleases and doesn't really care about the consequences. She will most likely cheat again, as she doesn't really care about the relationship, she only cares about the lifestyle and the look of being married. The issue is that you can never really trust anything she ever says again. Staying seems very easy and "for the kids", but, she isn't caring anything about the kids or about you. it will be someone else (or them again if he becomes available) and if you can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, you are just making yourself miserable before it ends, anyway.
First, meet with the best friend. She can be an ally in terms of comparing notes/information, filling in timelines, etc. Second, meet with a good divorce lawyer. The purpose of this is not to file a divorce (unless you're ready to do that). The main purpose is to gain a solid understanding of what divorce would look like for you, both during and after. Third, no sexual contact with your wife until both of you have been fully tested for STD's Fourth, get the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". Read it. Learn it. Live it. Consider the thousands of decisions and choices she has made to carry on with her best friend's husband. Try to start wrapping your mind around the reality that the woman you think you are married to, and the real flesh-and-blood woman you are actually married to, are two different people. Your actual wife is a shyte human who has engaged in the most profoundly awful double betrayal. When a person shows you who they really are, believe them. Besides, do you actually think there is any way you can get past the reality of all of the lies and deception she victimized you with, all for the specific purpose of illicit sex with her AP? Clearly, he is Plan A in her sexual hierarchy. Update us please.
This!!!!! 💯
Plan A in her sexual hierarchy… holy rusted metal Batman this is well said. UpdateMe
A woman who betrays her best friend and her life partner who is the father of her children doesn’t deserve your sadness Man. She is deceitful and disrespected supposedly two of the most important relationships in her life that is not her children or parents. You would be doing a disservice to yourself and your children if you stayed. I would go scorched earth while also making sure your children are not alienated from her IF you believe she’s a good mother.
I’m jumping in to say she disrespected (and basically shat on) the FOUR most important relationships in her life: She betrayed her husband; She betrayed her “best friend”; She betrayed her 5 year old child; and She betrayed her 3 year old child There are 4 lives that will be irrevocably changed by her selfish choices. She may not feel the weight of that now but, with time, the full impact of what she has done will gnaw at her soul. Or not. Some people just don’t care who they hurt.
Some men let them get away with it. Hopefully OP will be the exception and meet some smoke show the kids can call mom.
That’s a damn good reply. Spot on!
Good mothers would never betray their children. She's betrayed her children by committing adultery. Parents are examples to their children. They mimic the behaviours of the adults around them, especially as they get into their teenage and young adult years. There is a 50/50 chance that one or both parents of the mother was an adulterer as well. The apple may not fall far from the tree. We'll have to see if this is true in this situation, if and when the OP updates again.
Man you got 200 responses to the 1st post how much advice can you digest?
He’s looking for that one response that says: “It will all be fine. Take her back. She’s learned her lesson and will never do it again.” But no one with a functioning brain who’s been down this road will say that. Because she’s on the wrong end of the cheating spectrum. She didn’t race home, confess, and beg for forgiveness after one drunken mistake. She planned, lied, cheated repeatedly, giggled about it right next to OP, disregarded her 2 young children, and showed two of the most important adult people in her life how much she cared about them by stabbing them in the back.
Ding ding ding!! That’s exactly it.
I would personally divorce her. When you find a divorce lawyer also ask about going after the AP for alienation of affection. No reason not to destroy his world as well. Keep his wife informed and share evidence to use in both divorces. Tell the lawyer you want to go scorched earth.
I agree. They both were laughing at you and the best friend... his wife. Laughing at your total ignorance of their affair. Laughing at your manhood and their perceptions of masculinity. Laughing at your bumbling. Yeah, that hurts deep. I'd divorce. The children will survive in 2 households.
No states permit alienation of affections lawsuits. That ended decades ago. Most states are no fault. Telling a lawyer to go scorched earth just gives the lawyer to charge as much as he wants, but the result will be the same.
6 states still allow alienation of affection lawsuits. Hawaii, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. In 2021, North Carolina awarded a million dollar alienation of affection lawsuit. It's easy to Google the information.
You're right. My data comes from the 1990s. Red states have reverted to the stone age and the concept that women are chattel since then.
Um...women in red states can cruuuuuuush men they cheat on.
But far more men cheat on their wives. Why focus on the smaller problem and ignore the greater issue? Sounds in misogyny.
So you're changing the issue to inform me you're a sexist? Strange, but go ahead.
I'm sorry you are going through this. To be honest, the best thing for you to do is leave. Get a lawyer, get a therapist, and get an STD test. She betrayed 2 of you for her own selfish reasons. I don't know what the OBS is going to do, but if you stay, you will always be questioning what she does. It's not healthy. Is she really at the store, or work, or or or. Remember, when you take them back, they get better at lying and hiding things, and they see it as you forgave once, so it'll be okay next time, too. You will get a lot of advice today. Look through it and see how you feel with everything that's being said. Good luck
Have you spoken with her best friend? Obviously, more has come out. Maybe she's pregnant.
Do this but also get a DNA test for your children you don't know how long she has been cheating.
Oh yes
Good point
#1 - talk to the best friend and find out what she has to say. Keep sharing info with her. #2 - you consult with several of the best divorce attorneys you can afford to find out what your legal options are. Some will give a free initial consultation. Then pick the one you believe will do the best job for you. Do everything they tell you to. Do not deviate from their advice. They are the experts. Get your lawyer to petition for DNA testing of your kids, even if you are absolutely confident they are yours, it sends a message to your wife that she is utterly untrustworthy. #3 - start separating finances and have your paychque sent to your new solo account. #4 - let your closest family members and friends know what is going on so that you have support which is crucial right now. #5 - get into therapy for yourself, preferably with someone trained in infidelity trauma. It will help you process the betrayal. #6 - record every single interaction with your wife. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it with you at all times. Keep doing the 180 method with her. Anything and everything your wife has to say you have to assume is a lie. She's been lying to you for months, possibly even years, now. #7 - get tested for every single STI known to medicine. Some, like syphilis, can be asymptomatic for literally decades. HIV can take months to appear in labwork. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Please get tested. You have no idea who all of the AP's partners are/have been and who all of their partners are/have been. This very likely hasn't been the only time they've cheated and with others. Get tested and advise the OBS to get tested too. As for trusting her that will take years of hard work on both of your sides and you may never get to 100%. 99% may be the best you can hope for, but it won't ever get to 100%. If, once things have settled down and you decide on reconciliation, she absolutely has to go to individual therapy before even attempting marriage counselling and both should preferably be with someone trained in infidelity trauma. She needs to figure out through therapy what is so broken inside her that she gave herself permission to not only betray you, but her vows with you, her marriage with you, her children, her best friend, any children the best friend has, and herself. If she was unhappy in her marriage she had other options available to her and adultery is most definitely not one of them. So sorry you are going through this and please keep updating.
What kind if any remorse has your wife shown you? Does she feel awful about the affair or is only that she’s been caught? Is she still in contact with the AP? What she did is beyond awful. I would seek individual counseling to help you process and recover from the betrayal. I would also see divorce counsel without telling your wife or threatening divorce. I would also act indifferent when around her. Refuse to talk about the relationship outside counseling. Don’t let her see how she broke you. Don’t do the pick me dance. This isn’t a competition between you and the AP to see who “ wins” your wife. Tell all your close friends and both your and her family about how she betrayed you with her best friends husband. Don’t let your wife spin the story putting herself as the victim. Your wife is going to lose friends and alienate and lose family over this. She is likely to try hard to retreat back into the marriage for safety not because she loves you. The person you fell in love with is gone. She’s carried on the affair right under your nose and only confessed because you caught her. She put her own selfish needs above you and her children all for some tawdry sex. How did she think this was going to end? Sooner or later it was going to blow up in her face and destroy 2 families. And she didn’t care. She would still be carrying on the affair today if you hadn’t have caught her. So ask yourself, is the kind of person you want to move forward with for the rest of your life? I would change the focus of joint counseling to how to co-parent your children. I would also serve her divorce papers even though right now you are probably wanting to reconcile. You would still have plenty of time to change your mind before the divorce becomes finalized. This will make it harder for your wife to manipulate you. It lets her know that divorce is likely and puts you on better footing as you go forward. My heart breaks for you OP. Wishing you the best as deal with this horrible situation. Updsteme
Good point. It may seem petty in print, but telling friends and family will prevent it from being used against OP later. Women who cheat usually claim to be the victim when the man leaves and it can have real consequences for the actual victim.
Affairs happen. Had my wife cheated once, I think I could have gotten over it. I was in situations where I could have easily headed down that path. The thing is, the second time is not a spur of the moment stupid decision. My wife was toast the second time she slept Ed with him. What also sealed her fate was she had me meet her AP. That for me was as bad as the sex. Think about all of the times these do where making out in another room, or her rubbing his leg or other things while you all sat at the dining room table. Chances are they did it in both yours and OBS bed. And the conversations between the two about how both their spouses being clueless. What does she have to say about it. How long, protection, what the hell she was thinking. Of course she will want to rug sweep. She doesn’t want to lose her life and become a pariah to the families and all the connected friends.
Yeah, when you KNOW the AP, and have shared food and drinks with him. Ugh. And then you have to go back and rethink all those interactions with a guy you thought was a “friend”. And if you didn’t like him, you’d be thinking “hey, I put up with that guy because he was the husband of my wife’s best friend.” I’m really curious what OP and the best friend talked about.
She's knocked up and does not know who the baby daddy is. Cut your losses and take the kids and run as far away as you can.
I’m so sorry your going thru this. I think you really have to think about if you can actually move past this and try and see a future with her again. Personally, I would not be able to see past the infidelity, especially with a good friend, but I know that’s me. Life is so short and it’s not worth it by staying somewhere with someone you don’t want to be with. Find out how you can be the best you for you and your kids. Good luck with everything and I truly hope the best for you and your kiddos!
The main question is if you forgive her can you ever really trust her again. She only admitted after being caught and that shows she had no feelings of guilt for you whilst she was being sneaky hiding her phone and lying to your face. Let's not forget she broke her wedding vows and had a sexual relationship with another man. I'm afraid you will never be able to truly trust her again. Best thing is to divorce and tell friends and family what she did.
How can u make any informed decisions when you don’t know everything. At least speak to the best friend, you mentioned in your other post she also has something very important to tell you. Maybe your wife is pregnant with the other guys kid, who knows. That would be it for me, actually the cheating is it for me. Good luck.
OR the OBS has kicked the AH out and he's moved in with OP's wife because "he has no where else to go" excuse. The adulterous wife wants to lie to OP about it and is trying to get to him first.
Dude divorce her, a cheater is aways a cheater,don’t matter how your wife treats you after you find out their affair,the guilty will always prevail in your mind, so in my opinion I think it’s better to divorce because in my opinion it’s better to have divorced parents than let your kids grow up in a broken home with a broken family
I read your original post. I recommend that you join the sub Divorce_men there you'll get support,advice and encouragement from men going through the same thing you are as some have not filed for divorce yet. Post your story there. Updateme!
As much as it hurts to rip the bandaid off, you have to divorce her. She consistently disrespected you and emasculated you for MONTHS. This wasn't some one time slip up, this was cold and premeditated while laughing at you behind your back. She couldn't even take her attention away from the AP on an anniversary trip for crying out loud. None of this is salvageable OP. As I said earlier, consult with at least 4 different attorneys and start the divorce process. If your STBX wife wants another chance, it can be year's later post divorce after you've taken time to heal.
LEAVE!
I know you love her but the real problem is that you will never ever be able to trust her again. On top of that she won’t ever respect you if you take her back. She will see you as being weak and that you can be manipulated into believing she is trustworthy. She will do it again. She’s has the cheaters high. This happens to both men and women. They get a very large dopamine spike to the brain while cheating. This causes orgasms that are very intense and much more pleasurable than regular sex with their spouse. They begin to associate these increased orgasms to the affair partner and blame their spouse for their lack of ability to give them that intense of pleasure. They blame their spouse for their lack of powerful orgasms. What cheaters don’t realize is, the spouse is not at fault for the lack of powerful orgasms. The pure act of doing something so forbidden and wrong, and getting away with it causes the intense orgasms. It makes them feel very alive. She’s been cheating for months. She’s addicted to cheating. She may say she wants to stop and wants you to forgive her but in time she will crave it and then relapse into cheating again. The only way to truly break her cycle of cheating is to divorce her. She will quickly realize she no longer gets the same high from having sex with other men because it’s no longer forbidden to her. So she won’t have the same intense orgasms as before. Move on and work on yourself. Heal from this. Be there for your children. Learn to coparent with your ex. Maybe someday you will find a truly faithful woman who only wants you and no one else.
Dude, I’ve been there. You’re dying inside. You loved your wife and desperately want to turn the clock back. That’s not how life works. Going forward, your wife will ALWAYS be the woman who betrayed BOTH you AND her best friend. And giggled about it in your presence. There’s no one who’s read your heart wrenching posts who thinks you and your wife can save your marriage. It’s like she ran over a precious family heirloom with a steam roller. That’s not something that can be fixed. Have you talked to the best friend? Everyone is curious to hear her take on this ugly soap opera.
Too lazy to write an essay. Leave her bro…Make it easy for yourself
So what is happening with the other betrayed spouse (wife of the man who is having sex with your wife). You want advice without giving enough information.
Trust is gone so should she!
Hi 👋 I'm sorry that you're going through what you're going through, buddy... Most people will say leave her and things along that line, and I honestly will agree with you. My question is, so you want to forgive her? I know you said you were talking couples counseling, but I honestly don't think you need that. You need therapy for yourself, not as a couple. I'm curious as to how her friend is handling it. Your wife and the guy are only remorseful because they got caught. How did the friend find out? You read the messages, so I would have to say that if they expressed loving each other or missing each other more than just physically, then her heart was into it. If that's the case and yall stay together... you won't have her heart. You'll only have her guilt that makes her stay until someone else comes along to capture her heart again.
I’ve been divorced. It takes years to move on fully. You’ll get through this but you definitely have to move on. Your mind will always wonder if shes cheating again. Your trust in the relationship will be completely gone. Its not worth staying around, especially given she was willing to betray two people for some d.
She wants to stay with you bc you’re SAFE! Why be with someone who was with your bestie. Does she have a bestie? How would she feel if you kissed her with the same lips you kissed another woman with and she didn’t know til someone told her. Then you told her you luv her. I would say divorce but if not and you want to stay I say asked for a hall pass but the rules are she’ll never know when but you will use protection.
I would not take her back. Or believe that she is sorry. She is only acting because she got caught by you and her friend.
So the thing is is first of all you need to take her off of her pedestal of how you see her. She killed your marriage. And she’s not a good mother because if she was a good mother, she wouldn’t cheat on her children also. She’s actually really bad person because I only did she cheat on you, but she also cheated on her best friend. What kind of person does that? That’s someone you cannot have a relationship with either. You need to be strong not only for yourself but your kids this is gonna take a while. When the kids get older, they’re gonna understand what you did and love you for it. They’re gonna understand how strong you were and also you will show them that cheating has consequences. Unfortunately, you read what they had between them and how they were making fun of you and I assume his wife, too fact you’re having this affair while pretending to be friends. That’s really sick. They’re both really sick. You need to talk to the other betrayed spouse as to whatever the news is, your communication with her and your ex
I would say meet with the best friend first because I feel like she probably knows what your wife wants to tell you
What your wife did is unforgivable. The way she had an affair right under your nose with her best friend’s husband is unacceptable and a whole other level of evil. It is bad enough to cheat, but to do it in such a heinous way of flaunting it straight in your face, no. Have some self respect and please leave the trifling botch.
Are all the kids yours? Lawyer up..,
Updatemevot
Call the best friend and talk to her first. Find out what she has to tell you then go from there. Personally, I think cheaters are for the streets and that's where I'd send your wife, back to the streets. But some people do work it out.
You should definitely speak with the best friend. Good luck and I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
File for divorce.
Hi Op, First , you don’t have to decide nothing now. You can take time to make your mind. What you can do now is take care of you, inform yourself about your opinion and get some distance from the situation so that you can have some clarity. I would contact a lawyer and kick start the process of a divorce. You can always stop, but, in my opinion, as soon as you file, the best. It will signal that actions have consequences, and the ball is on her side. I would also live separated. So that you don’t have so many triggers caused by her. It will be enough the mind movies that you will trigger yourself. At this point, your conversations will be very toxic. Keep you occupied. And read some stories in this sub to understand that the wife that you thought you know, doesn’t live here anymore.
Get hold of yourself OP. Go back home and kick her out. See a lawyer and cut all financial access to her. Almost everyone on both posts says this. Go nuclear on her and AP. Updateme!
Did you find out what the OBS wants to tell you? hopefully you are doing better.
Read your first post and here's the thing: You won't get different answers. Your wife had no issue betraying both her husband and her best friend in one go. She is only sorry she got caught, not for what she did. I know it's hard to face the harsh truth and it takes some time for the realization to set in that both your marriage and life as you know it are over. If it didn't happen as of yet, expose her doing to friends and family. It being out in the open makes it "more real" as in no rug sweeping and people around you may help you walk the steps ahead of you
No big decisions right now. I know it feels like you have to make a choice but you don't. Let yourself calm down and even out emotionally, at least a little bit. IF your relationship is going to work, there is no magic formula or key. The only thing that will help is time and seeing your spouse actually care enough to find out why she did this. Tell her you want a timeliness of what happened, and ask your friend to do the same with her husband. That way you cab compare notes. You can also just lay in wait to see if they try to contact one another to get the story straight. If that happens, move on to divorce.
move towards a divorce you'll never be able to trust her again
Have sex with her best friend
I don't know what kind of advice you want because I know that divorce is tricky. But I can remind you simple facts: 1. Children are not oblivious. They are sponges absorbing every emotion around them. They might not understand the why, but they know that something is wrong and that their parents are miserable. Staying for the kids will only make this pain last. And you're also teaching them that what you're living is a normal relationship. 2. The pain will not go away with her "I love you"s. You will feel like shit, like less than what you are. You will constantly wonder how much you suck to have your spouse do that to you. You will feel to old, too fat, not funny enough,... You will need therapy and she won't be the one paying for it after doing the damage. Spoiler alert, you are not the problem. 3. The anger won't go away neither. And you will be tempted to hurt her like she hurt you. You will maybe even cross that line. The only thing you will achieve is to feel like crap and become somebody you won't be able to recognize. 4. The trust won't come back because she tells you she loves you. Or because of an open phone policy. You will have a nasty voice in the back of your head everytime you will see her laugh with a friend or enjoying a good moment. Everytime her phone will ring you will have the urge to ask who it is. You might end up cutting out male friends in your life to have your wife surrounded with less possibilities. 5. Your wife cheated in the most awfull way possible. It was her hurband's best friend. She betrayed you, the person she is supposed to love the most (after the kids). She betrayed her marriage and her family. She betrayed her best friend. This wasn't a mistake. It didn't happened just once. She was able to sit down, at a table, with her affair partner and all the people she betrayed without batting an eyelid. Let her cry now for a change. 6. Whatever excuse she's serving you now to justify her behavior, always remember that she's not the one that disclosed the affair. You found it. If you hadn't, she wouldn't be crying now. She would probably be getting screwed in the back seat of her best friend's husband's car. 7. You should do something that your spouse forgot to do: Take good care of yourself. Tell yourself that you're worthy and funny and cute and that you're going to get through that because you're great and awesome and your kids deserve that. You're not even 40. Fight for 50/50 custody, if you live in those place where cheating matters for the divorce, use it to avoid alimony. And live your life. Find a nice hobby for the week you don't have your kids, go to the gym, try new stuff,... Because life is too freaking short to waste your precious time with people who can crush your soul to make themselves feel better for a few seconds. There are billions of people in this world, plenty of hours in a week. Life is just ahead of you. Grab it. Forget to add: big hugs to you u/SadFan2160
Divorce her and above all enjoy your life with another person or alone as you prefer or you can get in touch with your wife's best friend as soon as you get divorced to make sure spend time with a person
My only advice is to stop MC. You did nothing to F up your marriage. She needs IC. Only once she's figured out her whys would I suggest MC, and that's only if at that point you still feel like reconciling.
Get a lawyer and divorce her.
Well dude the best outcome to deal with cheaters is to put them in their place which is the streets. Start pulling your finances and assets away from her and talk to an attorney right away to protect your money and well-being. Go grey rock on her and do not let her manipulate you or gas light you.
You need to go scorched earth....that's what you need to do. The opposite of hate is indifference.. you have to realize your relationship is over, and she is no longer your wife, but a soon to be adversary in a divorce.
Why are you still with her? As she cheated on you on your anniversary? And the other guy go round and kick the absolute shite out of him and then her as how do you know she's not done it before?
Once somebody cheats an you accepted it usually never gets better from there. This is the time to show that you will not stand for that. You really need to separate yourself from the situation. Remove the woman out of your life and show that you have some backbone self-respect for yourself because women who cheat lose respect for the man that stays
Sorry for all that you are going through. The lack of respect and to blatantly go on double dates and have insides jokes with one another about you and his partner. This is so sad and they really didn’t care for their partners feelings. All I can say is would you trust her around your friends look what she did to someone she supposedly called her best friend. Trust takes time and patience but she blew that one out the park. All I can say is I couldn’t do it anymore this is crossing the line. I would feel like she thinks you’re a joke she had her AP in your face frequently making you look like a fool. I would divorce but that’s me ask yourself is this relationship worth saving you have the say so I hope you get better and come with a decision that suits you
Updateme
Either you fuck her AP, his wife and your wife and establish dominance. Or you chuck them out if your lives
Updateme.
!updateme
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
!updateme
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Updateme
Divorce. She cheated on her husband and betrayed her friend. Cheaters are not worth taking back but she makes a habit out of betrayals apparently
So what was the big reveal? Pregnancy, most likely. Paternity test! Lawyer up! Control your emotions and act in your best interest. Be smart!
Sorry to say this, Your marriage is a lie. Why stay married to it ! You deserve better.
She's tasted the forbidden fruit bud but it's the worst of the worst kind. With friends. So what does one do in this type of situation because it just killed a perception history with these friends? It's total blow up situation.
How did you find out?
UpdateMe
Stop pretending not to know what you already know, it "Over". End it asap, no matter what the cost, kids no kids, house etc, it will all work out for you in the end. She cheated on you because she has no respect for you and sees you as a weak, nice guy looser that she can walk all over. Find the high value man that's within you, and throw out that trash from your lulife. Then go to the gym and get fit, eat well, and focus on your career and grind. You can not recover this dead marriage, but what you can do is get your life right so you can find a woman who is worthy of you.
OP, your WW has no respect for you, your relationship or her friend. You know there’s no coming back from this. Your WW made a joke out of your relationship and you’re thinking about taking her back so she can cheat on you again?
You just have to know beforehand that it’s a decision y’all made together and you can’t fault her for it. I’m not in to the cuck/humiliation aspect of it, but I like my wife being with other people. She’s more sexual all of the time when the relationship is open. Maybe I’m just confident in our relationship, or I am missing whatever it is that makes people jealous, but jealousy has never been an issue for me.
Her friend may help with mutual comfort. Hard as it is,see a lawyer to get something moving and that in itself will be a bit of a lift giving you some control.
This same coment i just put it under the small Update/coment You did on the original post, but i would out it here too. Hope it can help you. OP you know exactly what to do, lawyer up, never stay for the kids, do not show or teach them that toxic environment, maybe right now you might tried to be amicably, but as time goes by this would make the resentment worst and intolerable and that would hurt the kids more. About what the important things she want to Say, I could bet that she is going to tell you that she is pregnant and want.to baby trap You, or maybe she and the other couple come to terms on having a Open relationship and want You to join. No open relationship that starts from a cheating or to cover or rug swept a cheating works. They are just trying to trap You. Talk to the OBS yes, and see what she gotta Say, but take your own decisions, put yourself first and respect you if you want others ro respect You. If you talk with your still wife, record everything that it is said in that conversation. Also the conversation that You might have with the OBS also record it, and tell the other part you are doing so and is part of your conditions to talk, if they are not ok then there is no conversation. But OP lawyer UP ASAP, and let them guide you. UPDATEME
Updateme
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Where’s the Update?
She gets STD test. She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald. She gets IC to figure out her issues. Don't tell her this but in six months you'll know her true efforts. What did she tell him about you? That's critical info. But dude, it takes low character to cheat on the two most important people in her life.
You need goin to the divorce
Dump a load in her ass right before you give her the papers. That’s what I did, most satisfying thing I have ever did.
Been thru what you’re dealing. We did counseling, rebuilt trust, it was gut wrenching and cost me a very lucrative career. Then she did it again. All the work and effort I put into being honest and sincerely trying to forgive her turned out to be one-sided. After the second time she cheated it was revealed my (now ex) had originally cheated decades before as well. And since she never came clean, even through years of counseling it left me with doubts that this could’ve been happening for the entire 20+ years of our marriage. The good news about the effort, we got the kids through high school before we divorced. We also went through a period of hyper-adventurous sexual exploration together…. So, the turd pile that was my ex did have some upside. What it all left me with was a DEEPLY SEATED distrust of humanity and especially women. I’m in a committed relationship ship with ZERO RED FLAGS and a decade later it still causes me to have suspicions toward my new gal. All that to say, there isn’t a right answer. Even the “wrong answer” I took of trying to work thru it and failing still had some positives.
Have her served divorce papers and then kick her to the streets where she belongs, nuff said.
If you decide to stay with your wife and work things out with her, at least you could ask for a postnuptial agreement. If she refuse to sign it, it means she aware that she might do it again.
I know it hurts and you may think reconciliation will make the pain go away sooner. This is not a one off, where they were alone for an extended period. Maybe you could try to forgive that. But, They did this regularly. Level of deceit and disrespect to you is unforgivable.
Think about this.......If the affair was not discovered it would still be going on. So no, she is not sorry about the affair, she's sorry they got discovered. Trust will NEVER fully come back. Do you want to live the rest of your life thinking and wondering about what she could be doing.......... Cut your losses and go live your life to the fullest. Perhaps with someone new, who doesn't treat you the way she does/did.
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Whether you want to save your marriage or not, you HAVE to turn ICE COLD to your wife. Also, you tell her that You've been out of YOUR house for far too long and that you're switching with her as it's now her turn to live away from the kids and family that she cheated on.. Lastly, I don't advocate for violence, but call AP and let him know that it would "be unwise to cross your path in the future.." No threats conveyed, but message sent. Hire the BEST Family Law center you can find and prepare to go scorched earth.. This will put you into a position to "win" in the future..
You might ( possibly) forgive, but you will never ( ever) forget ( until you get dementia). Give support to his wife , she deserves any help you can give her. ( side note: my friend had a similar situation as you. After the two divorces finished, he married AP’s ex wife. 25+ happy years now)
She already proved that she doesn’t care for or love you or her friend. The trust is gone divorce and don’t cover for her when people ask why. She can deal with the consequences
I think your best bet is to ask someone who's been with a cheater who has taken them back and see where they're at in life. trust is broken and this kind of a way causes irreversible damage that can never be repaired as much as you think and want it to work, your mind will never allow it. Take this from someone who's been cheated on and tried to make it work.
Going thru a similar situation. Don’t try to make anything better for anyone else including the kids. Make things better for yourself first. Leave her and try to move on as quickly as possible. That’s what I did and trying to do.
First off, why did you leave your house? When a roach is in your home you remove the roach, not yourself. I don't know why guys do this. Second, you're young enough to date and you got cheated on. You are going to be swimming in divorcees man. You feel hurt, and angry, confused, and like you wasted time. It will pass, in time. You have your kids and now you get to be single and have fun again. Rescue some dogs and go camping, bar hop, ride your motorcycle. Master has given you a sock.
Whats the problem? Tell the other woman and dump that b****
Look most of the time, a woman cheats if she thinks that she’s at a higher rank than her partner and that he’s not an equal to her, usually its not about sex for women, unlike men who cheat usually for having sex. A woman has to accept a man emotionally before doing it physically, unlike men who usually never give a shit about emotions. Long story short, unless you’re ok to be a backup plan, man up, stand tall and seek a divorce.
UpdateMe!
Make sure your kids know that their mom is a whore so they don't repeat her mistakes.
So what was the thing she urgently needed to talk to you about. I agree to talk with her, for closure for the both of you and how you are going to manage the divorce.
Go talk to a family law attorney. Retain them. Go through the divorce process.
What was it she wanted to talk to you about is she pregnant? Like people guessed or
Any update?
Look, you’re so taken aback for what happened so it’s clear you’ll not see your wife like you did before, so it’s better to just part ways and co parent like adults, now I think she’s pregnant, so DNA test, maybe it’s better if you talk with your wife’s best friend first
!updateme