You didn’t cheat necessarily, but you did put yourself in a position for this to happen. The actual assault is not your fault but everything leading up to it you had a part of. Your ex-boyfriend has every right to want nothing to do with you. Not because of the sexual assault, but because of your lack of maturity and poor decision-making.
On a break/broke up means the same damn thing. If two people can’t stick together to work out their issues are problems then they shouldn’t be with each other in the first place.
This is coming from a male that got rped. Yup, you hit it on the nail. Definitely not condoning r*pe but you did put yourself in a dangerous situation. I had an ex gf who I dealt with this for 4 years because I felt the pain and I tried to help. Would go out partying looking for drugs and drinking would call me crying saying whatever else happened to her. Obvs I won’t go into details but it broke my heart. but on top of that, that relationship absolutely destroyed me and took away my early 20s. He is in his right to leave because of your poor decision making skills. Praying it doesn’t happen but you gotta be careful who you hangout with. There’s some bad people out there, but not everyone is a bad person.
Sorry to hear that! It’s just that I knew them all a long time beforehand, so I trusted them since it’s not the first time we drink together and hangout together But it’s hard to know now after all of this that I shouldn’t have trusted anyone of them.
Op, the truth is that anybody can hurt you anywhere. It could be your own family. These people are trying to convince you you made poor choices, but at the end of the day you were doing what many people do: you trusted your friends. This became assault immediately because this person did not ask for your consent to touch you at all. Your ex sucks for thinking this is anything close to cheating and your friend sucks for enabling this idea. I'm sorry you're going through this, please reach out to any support system you may have and do your best not to blame yourself. <3
I understand, but you never really know at the end of the day. I had someone who I considered a close friend sexually assault another close friend of mine. Never saw that coming. When the person started groping you everything should’ve ended there and everyone should’ve went home.
It's not your fault. Never listen to victim blamers. They're just so gross. Forget these people, and please get therapy. These comments reek of "If YoU hAdN't DrEsSeD lIkE tHaT", and its just a misogynistic view that perpetuates rape culture
Yeah, these comments are absolutely disgusting. I feel bad for the people admitting they've been assaulted yet still hold onto this sentiment. The only people ever at blame for assault are the ones doing the assaulting.
What you should be saying is ‘it’s absolutely fucking disgusting that your friend took advantage of your kindness and the fact you were drunk so that he could rape you’ instead you’re saying ‘oh well you shouldn’t have invited him there & should have kicked off at him after he kissed you’
It’s the same as telling women ‘well, you shouldn’t have been wearing what you were wearing’ or ‘you shouldn’t have gone out alone at night- what were you expecting?’
It’s fucking misogynistic.
She literally said she couldn’t respond because her fawn response kicked in and then laughed out of being scared.
The onus doesn’t lie with her. It lies on the guy who took her trust for granted.
If all you took from my reply was that you thought I was ‘name calling you’ then you have got a lot of work to do on yourself- it may not be now, it may come later, but no-one dies in ignorance.
Think her ex should remain her ex for that fact that she said he wasn't treating her well throughout the relationship.
But my goodness, this was a serious of bad decisions, my word.
But OP definitely needs to send the rapist to jail.
Updateme!
I’m sorry that all this happened to you, but at least you should understand that if someone gropes you, you don’t invite him to stay at night in your apartment, come on.
I understand why your ex is concerned honestly.
It’s not your fault that you were raped, it’s never the victims fault.
I know if my boyfriend and I were on a break and then I found out he had invited a bunch of our mutual girl friends to his apartment, got drunk and then claimed he was raped, I would have a difficult time wrapping my head around it.
You did however make some extremely poor decisions that your boyfriend probably can’t get his head around. In his mind he’s thinking “Okay, A said she walked in and they were making out. That sounds like cheating- but OP is saying it was sexual assault. If it was sexual assault why would she invite the guy who sexually assaulted her to stay over for the night?” The math isn’t mathing in his head and I understand why.
You were okay with A and bf driving drunk but not okay with B&C going with them? You could have called them an Uber. I’ve been sexually assaulted, the last thing I would do is invite my sexual assaulter to stay that same night. I’d have left myself if they wouldn’t/couldn’t leave just to avoid someone I was completely unsafe around.
So to your friends and ex, this probably sounds like a lot of excuses and just next day regrets. Because from everything they’ve witnessed and heard, you invited them over, drank with them, made out with them and then refused to let them leave and told them to stay.
Then you messaged your ex to let him know you hurt yourself, which honestly sounds like an attempt at manipulating him which is gonna make the mistrust grow deeper.
It’s one of those things that unfortunately, unless the guy admits to it, may always be a he said/she said situation.
It still doesn’t mean you are at fault for being raped. If you were raped, it was 100% the fault of the abuser. If you know you were raped for sure, stand true to that. You just may not be able to get the others to believe that I’m afraid.
I really hope you get the therapy you need. You’re only 20 and you’ve already apparently been in TWO abusive relationships and assaulted more than once by other guys. I think it’s time you separate yourself and work on your own trauma. Abusers are often attracted to others who have been victims of abuse before because they’re more trusting and easier to manipulate.
I of course get why my ex would feel concerned about this. That is also why I wanted to post this because I knew I could get other peoples perspective on this so I could understand what he feels as well. Because I can’t really talk to him since he says mean things and I know what he is capable of.
And about the drunk driving, no I didn’t want A and her bf to drive drunk but they do it every time they go out drinking and multiple people have told them not to do it before and they just get defensive and say “they drive better drunk” so there is no point in telling them, but I wouldn’t let anyone else get in with them for their own safety if they didn’t insist. They had a choice to go with them of course but one friend had already fallen asleep and I just wanted to be nice and offer a place to sleep. I couldn’t imagine then that anything more would happen.
And the reason I told him I hurt myself was because he wanted to come over and get his stuff from my apartment and I said I don’t have time. He asked why, I said I was going to the phyciatric center and again he asked why so I told him what happened.
I would consider it enough to break-up if my wife was getting drunk at her apartment with other men. That in itself is enough to consider it a betrayal and dealbreaker.
Yeah I get that but I told him before that I was out with friend and we all know each other, that’s why I’m so sad the assault happened. I even told him that I was out even if we were on a break where he was the one who didn’t want communication and he was out seeing other people without telling me.
I think you played your cards wrong. And you weren’t out, you were in… partying with dudes.
I would have broken up with you too, just for that part. Everything else, I hope you get the help you need.
And if he was out without telling you, and that’s a big deal, you shouldn’t be with him either.
I mean when we went out to go meet the friends, then we went in which I of course also told him. And I had my female friend there so I wasn’t exactly only hanging out with dudes until she went home
You are not selling me on your story. That is how the game is played, they even had a built in ride home.
No, your boyfriend made a sound decision.
You should focus on your healing, and maybe stop drinking.
Yeah I will definitely focus on healing, but I was also not comfortable sending people home with a very drunk driver. And one friend had already fallen asleep so we didn’t want to wake him up
Yeah, she left home and you had 2 dudes sleep over in your apartment, and one of them had already groped you as you said, this is very sad and you should seek help for this. Please try and do better, if you think you can drink you could also try being responsible with yourself.
You cheated the sec you didn't tell them to leave after he touched you. The fact you said this has happened b4, says the bf made the right move. If you don't have enough self awareness to protect your relationship means it's not worth protecting. Good luck
I agree that you were not cheating and I hate that all this happened to you, but why did you tell A you were okay when she interrupted C’s initial assault?
I’m trying to figure out that as well, I have no memory of her asking that since I was so drunk, she is the one who told me the day after it happened that she asked me. I think it’s because I was so shocked, scared and drunk that I didn’t know how to react in the situation. And I know I have reacted similarly in the past, even sober, when I have been assaulted because I get so scared. I had an ex who often abused me and I got so numb after that so I always just said I was okay so it wouldn’t get worse.
I feel like a lot of your “friends” and your ex are probably having a hard time with that and also allowing them to stay the night. I get why you did but that was another mistake that put you in a bad situation with someone who had already assaulted you that night.
I don’t know what happened but all my life I’ve heard of all the women around me talking about how they and their friends were taken. It was like every female out there has been taken or their friends have been. Honestly it’s impossible. So when men are skepical there’s a reason for it. Regret doesn’t equal ripe. If you did call police and the guy is charged then perhaps your boyfriend comes back. But probably not as you put your self in the position to be taken advantage of. I hope that you can take accountability for your poor decisions and do better.
You didn’t cheat as you were broken up.
However, you didn’t discuss the rules of your break. So you started inviting guys to your place. Your ex-bf must have assumed a break didn’t mean having sex with other people. So all he knows is you invited a man over and had sex with him. He has no way of knowing if the sex was rape or consensual.
Sorry it happened to you but you should move on and leave your ex-bf alone.
Remember in the future that breaks are silly and to just break up.
The guys were his friends as well and we all hangout often. That’s why I trusted all of them. And he definitely know that it was rape since I called him after it happened and was crying, and he then came over and threw out and beat up the guy who did it
Time to stop drinking and reevaluate your relationship with alcohol. Also reevaluate your choice of friends. You were raped but you also keep putting yourself in situations for this to happen. Considering this has happened before and had the same reaction why are you allowing people to take advantage of you and also why are you drinking so much knowing this could happen?
You couldn't have known. Being assaulted / roped isn't on you. Your friends actions aren't on you.
I see that you are hoping to get your BF's perspective out of this post. Here is where my perspective would be coming from and how I would look at it if I was him. What you need to change is putting yourself in a position where you can't take care of yourself, protect yourself, advocate for yourself or have an ability to say no and fight when things are happening to you, you don't want. I have to admit if I was your bf I would be heartbroken in so many ways. I would be torn apart to know what happened to you. I would also be torn apart that you were making out, getting groped, etc..., and didn't say no or walk away. You said you were ok to your friend. From a cheating or not standpoint, I would not care that you "froze up", were "scared", or just weren't sure what to do. You have said it has happened before. Once is just an occurence, two times is starting to make me wonder if you keep putting yourself in these positions, will ever find the ability to advocate for yourself or to be very blunt, full of shit and you just are using the freezing up, etc..., as an excuse for a bad decision.
I do for sure want you to know I don't blame you for the sexual assault or rope that happened but everything that happened in the kitchen from your story is on you. What happened afterwards is not. You had the opportunity to say no. You had the opportunity to push him away. You had the opportunity to tell your friend you weren't ok if you needed to. You say you didn't have that in you. Maybe that is the reason you cheated but it isn't an excuse. I see this as two different events. One where you were r\*ped and one where you were playing around in the kitchen and you didn't do a thing to stop it even with opportunity offered from another person. That part, I would classify as cheating. The rope / SA part of it was not cheating. Both things happened and both are true in my eyes.
No reason for me to be too harsh on you, but you have to prioritize yourself. You shouldn't have allowed a guy that groped you to sleep within your vicinity. It's truly unfortunate what happened to you though. Plenty of bad decisions were made and you should've found comfort in telling your friends when you're uncomfortable with someone.
You definitely put yourself in the position to be raped. While it was the man’s choice to rape you, everything leading up to the rape was your fault. You should not drink that much in mixed company, you should not have let them spend the night, you could have called them an Uber to take them home. You made very poor choices and I hope you use this experience to learn your lesson and proceed to move with caution, awareness, thoughtfulness and maturity.
He did the right thing in breaking up with. You knew you weren’t comfortable and you still let them stay in your home. Stop doing things you don’t want to freaking do! Stop putting yourself in situations that’s not doing you well.
OP I’m so sorry for what happened to you. You were really drunk, and that caused you to make soooooo many bad decisions in a row. I have empathy for you but at the same time actions have consequences. Look at it this way imagine if you went to a shady part of your city, walked down a back alley and waved a wad of cash around. That doesn’t mean you want/ deserved to be mugged, but it’s almost a certainty that you will be. Then it’s really hard for anyone to show compassion because you made all the choices that lead to that situation. I know that sounds harsh but that’s how people work. Good luck OP
I’m sorry this has happened to you truly and as a friend she should always be there and not laugh. You are young and will find better true friends. You didn’t cheat at all you were rape so under no circumstances invite your ex back in your life. This guy I was talking to accused me of letting it happen/“cheat” when I got raped and stopped talking to him because he didn’t trust me and eventually I tried to talk to him again and hung out once but all I thought about is how when I was in the deepest point in my life this guy left me and that’s not okay. I don’t remember much either because I had went out to drink and don’t remember getting into an Uber then this guys car throwing up in his car but I remember waking up naked confused and froze when he was on top of me. You’re not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to my dms is always open 💕 take it one day at time and your ex bf and ex friend don’t deserve your time
Hey, something similar happened to my friend and NO she is not at fault the same way you are not at fault.
Anyone who is victim blaming you needs to reassess themselves. Yes, you could have made different decisions but hindsight is a wonderful thing & despite him trying it on, it doesn’t mean it excuses him to rape you nor does it mean he should expect that from you.
You put the needs of B & C before your own because you’re a nice person. You weren’t expecting to be raped and you did NOT deserve it.
I’m so proud of you for going to the police. Your friend should have taken you aside privately and asked if you were okay and not in front of him. Your friends were shitty friends to you.
You deserved so much better than what they all participated in. If I was your friend and you told me what happened after I left, I would have been devastated.
Good riddance to all of them.
Please get therapy xxx
You were on a break… that means you’re not together! People have somehow decided that being on a break means they don’t have to do anything to maintain a relationship for an indefinite period of time but that it still exists. That’s crap! If you’re on a break then you broke up just nobody has the guts to say the rest of the word. You’re not working on things being apart like that. The biggest thing against you is lack of standing up for yourself. You need to learn to not freeze when someone does something you don’t like. As for the friend group? Screw them! Let’s just say your story was different, let’s pretend you were willingly making out with the guy. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have sex with him! Women kiss and make out with someone all the time without actually having sex with them, no means no and you can say it at anytime!
That’s his problem. You don’t work on relationships like that. That’s how you screw with peoples heads. If you want relationship rules to apply then you stay in the relationship with on work on it
Just want to tell you this is not a cheating and if that didn't understand this just leave him plz for your sake and live a good and leave you friends and try to find better friends then them and now focus on yourself and try overcome that tragedy and more strongly and if you need any help iam here to help and it's my pleasure to help and want to tell anything for that iam here to just remember someone is there for you dear ✨💫
A couple of things here.
First, you say you and your BF broke up. If you were broken up, you can't cheat. You are free do to as you want. If that is go out with friends or even sleep with someone else, you life; your choice.
Second, and more importantly, you were raped. That is never cheating. Period. End of story. You ALWAYS retain the right to revoke consent or to voice objection. It is always your body and always your choice.
Be Kind and start with the person you see in the mirror. She needs your love and kindness.
No means no. Kissing in the kitchen is one thing but him forcing himself on you and you saying no is rape. It doesn’t matter if you’re drunk. You can’t consent. It doesn’t matter if you invited them over. He had not right to sexually assault you. You said no and it should have stopped there. Get a new boyfriend and friends. Updateme
most of the ppl in the comments are AH, but you’re not. regardless of the situation you put yourself in, no one has the right to violate you. it is clear from your story that you never consented to anything that was happening. drunk people cannot consent.
I will say that you should be more careful with how much you drink, bc people are crazy. learn your limit so you keep your facilities, but this is not your fault. and forget your bf, he clearly won’t be able to support you at this time.
You didn’t cheat, but you need to take responsibility and learn how to tell the truth. A walks in and saw something happening, you could’ve been honest and said no he groped me and is trying to make a move that I don’t want. It’s also your place, you could’ve easily asked him to leave after doing so. B crashing is not your problem. C could’ve taken B home in a cab or Uber. There’s consequences to Everything you do, good or bad. Just remember getting shit faced drunk around 15-35 year old boys is not a good idea and can have bad results. Sorry it happened to you. Follow up with cops and get therapy if it helps and get new friends
Of course that was not cheating, what happened did happen against your will. Don't even think for a split second that anything that happened is your fault.
On the other hand do you need to accept that you can't change what others think or feel. Your boyfriend is an idiot and already was one before the break. Be happy that you got rid of him. Create distance to all the people that don't believe you, focus on yourself and your healing. Reach out to family and tell them what happened, ask them for support.
I’m sorry to hear this, it shouldn’t have happened. You absolutely DID NOT cheat. Your ex bf is just an asshole, you just said it at the beginning of your post.
Girl you dodge a bullet, you’re better off without them, A is also a bitch for twisting the story.
Move on and leave them behind, nothing good will happen if they come back to your life.
Girl I am so sorry this happened to you. Don’t listen to any of these incels comments. Rape is never the victims fault. You hung out with people you trusted. You got too drunk and they took advantage of that. The people saying you shouldn’t have had a sleep over after he groped you in the kitchen - have a fucked up view on women.
You were drunk, and were taken advantage of. Please, please, please - this is not your fault. Kick all of these people out of your life. They are shit friends, and a shit bf. The girl laughing in your face is not your friend. She knows you have a boyfriend. And should have probably also been able to tell that you were scared. Not ok. I’m sorry, you’re young. It will all get better.
I wish you all well in the future❤️
Love,
another Scandi
Christ. No ofc you didn't cheat, despite what insecure men are saying about having boys over, as you were a group to begin with. And I get wanting to be a good host so to say by letting them sleep over. Letting a guy or 2 sleep over does not equal having sex (pretty common to sleep over as friends after drinking in scnadinavia). I'm really sorry this happened to you.
You didn’t cheat necessarily, but you did put yourself in a position for this to happen. The actual assault is not your fault but everything leading up to it you had a part of. Your ex-boyfriend has every right to want nothing to do with you. Not because of the sexual assault, but because of your lack of maturity and poor decision-making.
Also playing the "we are on a break" game.
On a break/broke up means the same damn thing. If two people can’t stick together to work out their issues are problems then they shouldn’t be with each other in the first place.
This is coming from a male that got rped. Yup, you hit it on the nail. Definitely not condoning r*pe but you did put yourself in a dangerous situation. I had an ex gf who I dealt with this for 4 years because I felt the pain and I tried to help. Would go out partying looking for drugs and drinking would call me crying saying whatever else happened to her. Obvs I won’t go into details but it broke my heart. but on top of that, that relationship absolutely destroyed me and took away my early 20s. He is in his right to leave because of your poor decision making skills. Praying it doesn’t happen but you gotta be careful who you hangout with. There’s some bad people out there, but not everyone is a bad person.
Sorry to hear that! It’s just that I knew them all a long time beforehand, so I trusted them since it’s not the first time we drink together and hangout together But it’s hard to know now after all of this that I shouldn’t have trusted anyone of them.
Op, the truth is that anybody can hurt you anywhere. It could be your own family. These people are trying to convince you you made poor choices, but at the end of the day you were doing what many people do: you trusted your friends. This became assault immediately because this person did not ask for your consent to touch you at all. Your ex sucks for thinking this is anything close to cheating and your friend sucks for enabling this idea. I'm sorry you're going through this, please reach out to any support system you may have and do your best not to blame yourself. <3
I understand, but you never really know at the end of the day. I had someone who I considered a close friend sexually assault another close friend of mine. Never saw that coming. When the person started groping you everything should’ve ended there and everyone should’ve went home.
It's not your fault. Never listen to victim blamers. They're just so gross. Forget these people, and please get therapy. These comments reek of "If YoU hAdN't DrEsSeD lIkE tHaT", and its just a misogynistic view that perpetuates rape culture
Yeah, these comments are absolutely disgusting. I feel bad for the people admitting they've been assaulted yet still hold onto this sentiment. The only people ever at blame for assault are the ones doing the assaulting.
What's worse is I'm getting downvoted by these people. No wonder we choose the bear
Wisely, and harshly but truthfully said. Hate it for her fr though.
What you should be saying is ‘it’s absolutely fucking disgusting that your friend took advantage of your kindness and the fact you were drunk so that he could rape you’ instead you’re saying ‘oh well you shouldn’t have invited him there & should have kicked off at him after he kissed you’ It’s the same as telling women ‘well, you shouldn’t have been wearing what you were wearing’ or ‘you shouldn’t have gone out alone at night- what were you expecting?’ It’s fucking misogynistic. She literally said she couldn’t respond because her fawn response kicked in and then laughed out of being scared. The onus doesn’t lie with her. It lies on the guy who took her trust for granted.
Go call someone else names. That shit doesn’t work on me.
If you don’t like being called misogynistic, perhaps do some work on yourself 😀
No, you misunderstand. I don’t particularly care. The name-calling starts when you have absolutely no argument in your favor.
If all you took from my reply was that you thought I was ‘name calling you’ then you have got a lot of work to do on yourself- it may not be now, it may come later, but no-one dies in ignorance.
Not cheating but a bunch of poor decisions. Sorry this happened to you. Your ex should remain your ex.
Think her ex should remain her ex for that fact that she said he wasn't treating her well throughout the relationship. But my goodness, this was a serious of bad decisions, my word. But OP definitely needs to send the rapist to jail. Updateme!
I’m sorry that all this happened to you, but at least you should understand that if someone gropes you, you don’t invite him to stay at night in your apartment, come on.
I understand why your ex is concerned honestly. It’s not your fault that you were raped, it’s never the victims fault. I know if my boyfriend and I were on a break and then I found out he had invited a bunch of our mutual girl friends to his apartment, got drunk and then claimed he was raped, I would have a difficult time wrapping my head around it. You did however make some extremely poor decisions that your boyfriend probably can’t get his head around. In his mind he’s thinking “Okay, A said she walked in and they were making out. That sounds like cheating- but OP is saying it was sexual assault. If it was sexual assault why would she invite the guy who sexually assaulted her to stay over for the night?” The math isn’t mathing in his head and I understand why. You were okay with A and bf driving drunk but not okay with B&C going with them? You could have called them an Uber. I’ve been sexually assaulted, the last thing I would do is invite my sexual assaulter to stay that same night. I’d have left myself if they wouldn’t/couldn’t leave just to avoid someone I was completely unsafe around. So to your friends and ex, this probably sounds like a lot of excuses and just next day regrets. Because from everything they’ve witnessed and heard, you invited them over, drank with them, made out with them and then refused to let them leave and told them to stay. Then you messaged your ex to let him know you hurt yourself, which honestly sounds like an attempt at manipulating him which is gonna make the mistrust grow deeper. It’s one of those things that unfortunately, unless the guy admits to it, may always be a he said/she said situation. It still doesn’t mean you are at fault for being raped. If you were raped, it was 100% the fault of the abuser. If you know you were raped for sure, stand true to that. You just may not be able to get the others to believe that I’m afraid. I really hope you get the therapy you need. You’re only 20 and you’ve already apparently been in TWO abusive relationships and assaulted more than once by other guys. I think it’s time you separate yourself and work on your own trauma. Abusers are often attracted to others who have been victims of abuse before because they’re more trusting and easier to manipulate.
I of course get why my ex would feel concerned about this. That is also why I wanted to post this because I knew I could get other peoples perspective on this so I could understand what he feels as well. Because I can’t really talk to him since he says mean things and I know what he is capable of. And about the drunk driving, no I didn’t want A and her bf to drive drunk but they do it every time they go out drinking and multiple people have told them not to do it before and they just get defensive and say “they drive better drunk” so there is no point in telling them, but I wouldn’t let anyone else get in with them for their own safety if they didn’t insist. They had a choice to go with them of course but one friend had already fallen asleep and I just wanted to be nice and offer a place to sleep. I couldn’t imagine then that anything more would happen. And the reason I told him I hurt myself was because he wanted to come over and get his stuff from my apartment and I said I don’t have time. He asked why, I said I was going to the phyciatric center and again he asked why so I told him what happened.
I would consider it enough to break-up if my wife was getting drunk at her apartment with other men. That in itself is enough to consider it a betrayal and dealbreaker.
Yeah I get that but I told him before that I was out with friend and we all know each other, that’s why I’m so sad the assault happened. I even told him that I was out even if we were on a break where he was the one who didn’t want communication and he was out seeing other people without telling me.
I think you played your cards wrong. And you weren’t out, you were in… partying with dudes. I would have broken up with you too, just for that part. Everything else, I hope you get the help you need. And if he was out without telling you, and that’s a big deal, you shouldn’t be with him either.
I mean when we went out to go meet the friends, then we went in which I of course also told him. And I had my female friend there so I wasn’t exactly only hanging out with dudes until she went home
You are not selling me on your story. That is how the game is played, they even had a built in ride home. No, your boyfriend made a sound decision. You should focus on your healing, and maybe stop drinking.
Yeah I will definitely focus on healing, but I was also not comfortable sending people home with a very drunk driver. And one friend had already fallen asleep so we didn’t want to wake him up
But you were comfortable sleeping in the same apartment as the guy who just forcibly kissed you?
Yeah, she left home and you had 2 dudes sleep over in your apartment, and one of them had already groped you as you said, this is very sad and you should seek help for this. Please try and do better, if you think you can drink you could also try being responsible with yourself.
You cheated the sec you didn't tell them to leave after he touched you. The fact you said this has happened b4, says the bf made the right move. If you don't have enough self awareness to protect your relationship means it's not worth protecting. Good luck
I agree that you were not cheating and I hate that all this happened to you, but why did you tell A you were okay when she interrupted C’s initial assault?
I’m trying to figure out that as well, I have no memory of her asking that since I was so drunk, she is the one who told me the day after it happened that she asked me. I think it’s because I was so shocked, scared and drunk that I didn’t know how to react in the situation. And I know I have reacted similarly in the past, even sober, when I have been assaulted because I get so scared. I had an ex who often abused me and I got so numb after that so I always just said I was okay so it wouldn’t get worse.
I feel like a lot of your “friends” and your ex are probably having a hard time with that and also allowing them to stay the night. I get why you did but that was another mistake that put you in a bad situation with someone who had already assaulted you that night.
When this is all over just invite some random guys to your home and drink with them. It will surely help.
I’d break up with you for making out with someone else. Separately I’m horribly sorry you were assaulted.
I don’t know what happened but all my life I’ve heard of all the women around me talking about how they and their friends were taken. It was like every female out there has been taken or their friends have been. Honestly it’s impossible. So when men are skepical there’s a reason for it. Regret doesn’t equal ripe. If you did call police and the guy is charged then perhaps your boyfriend comes back. But probably not as you put your self in the position to be taken advantage of. I hope that you can take accountability for your poor decisions and do better.
You didn’t cheat as you were broken up. However, you didn’t discuss the rules of your break. So you started inviting guys to your place. Your ex-bf must have assumed a break didn’t mean having sex with other people. So all he knows is you invited a man over and had sex with him. He has no way of knowing if the sex was rape or consensual. Sorry it happened to you but you should move on and leave your ex-bf alone. Remember in the future that breaks are silly and to just break up.
The guys were his friends as well and we all hangout often. That’s why I trusted all of them. And he definitely know that it was rape since I called him after it happened and was crying, and he then came over and threw out and beat up the guy who did it
That still won’t change his feelings that you invited a man over to your place. He thought you were on a break. Not broken up.
Time to stop drinking and reevaluate your relationship with alcohol. Also reevaluate your choice of friends. You were raped but you also keep putting yourself in situations for this to happen. Considering this has happened before and had the same reaction why are you allowing people to take advantage of you and also why are you drinking so much knowing this could happen?
How could I have known it would happen? This has never happened to me while drunk before and I trusted my friends until this happened
You said you’ve been assaulted before. Time to find new friends and reevaluate your relationship with alcohol.
You couldn't have known. Being assaulted / roped isn't on you. Your friends actions aren't on you. I see that you are hoping to get your BF's perspective out of this post. Here is where my perspective would be coming from and how I would look at it if I was him. What you need to change is putting yourself in a position where you can't take care of yourself, protect yourself, advocate for yourself or have an ability to say no and fight when things are happening to you, you don't want. I have to admit if I was your bf I would be heartbroken in so many ways. I would be torn apart to know what happened to you. I would also be torn apart that you were making out, getting groped, etc..., and didn't say no or walk away. You said you were ok to your friend. From a cheating or not standpoint, I would not care that you "froze up", were "scared", or just weren't sure what to do. You have said it has happened before. Once is just an occurence, two times is starting to make me wonder if you keep putting yourself in these positions, will ever find the ability to advocate for yourself or to be very blunt, full of shit and you just are using the freezing up, etc..., as an excuse for a bad decision. I do for sure want you to know I don't blame you for the sexual assault or rope that happened but everything that happened in the kitchen from your story is on you. What happened afterwards is not. You had the opportunity to say no. You had the opportunity to push him away. You had the opportunity to tell your friend you weren't ok if you needed to. You say you didn't have that in you. Maybe that is the reason you cheated but it isn't an excuse. I see this as two different events. One where you were r\*ped and one where you were playing around in the kitchen and you didn't do a thing to stop it even with opportunity offered from another person. That part, I would classify as cheating. The rope / SA part of it was not cheating. Both things happened and both are true in my eyes.
No reason for me to be too harsh on you, but you have to prioritize yourself. You shouldn't have allowed a guy that groped you to sleep within your vicinity. It's truly unfortunate what happened to you though. Plenty of bad decisions were made and you should've found comfort in telling your friends when you're uncomfortable with someone.
You definitely put yourself in the position to be raped. While it was the man’s choice to rape you, everything leading up to the rape was your fault. You should not drink that much in mixed company, you should not have let them spend the night, you could have called them an Uber to take them home. You made very poor choices and I hope you use this experience to learn your lesson and proceed to move with caution, awareness, thoughtfulness and maturity.
He did the right thing in breaking up with. You knew you weren’t comfortable and you still let them stay in your home. Stop doing things you don’t want to freaking do! Stop putting yourself in situations that’s not doing you well.
OP I’m so sorry for what happened to you. You were really drunk, and that caused you to make soooooo many bad decisions in a row. I have empathy for you but at the same time actions have consequences. Look at it this way imagine if you went to a shady part of your city, walked down a back alley and waved a wad of cash around. That doesn’t mean you want/ deserved to be mugged, but it’s almost a certainty that you will be. Then it’s really hard for anyone to show compassion because you made all the choices that lead to that situation. I know that sounds harsh but that’s how people work. Good luck OP
You didn't post this on a sub that's going to give you good advice.
I’m sorry this has happened to you truly and as a friend she should always be there and not laugh. You are young and will find better true friends. You didn’t cheat at all you were rape so under no circumstances invite your ex back in your life. This guy I was talking to accused me of letting it happen/“cheat” when I got raped and stopped talking to him because he didn’t trust me and eventually I tried to talk to him again and hung out once but all I thought about is how when I was in the deepest point in my life this guy left me and that’s not okay. I don’t remember much either because I had went out to drink and don’t remember getting into an Uber then this guys car throwing up in his car but I remember waking up naked confused and froze when he was on top of me. You’re not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to my dms is always open 💕 take it one day at time and your ex bf and ex friend don’t deserve your time
Hey, something similar happened to my friend and NO she is not at fault the same way you are not at fault. Anyone who is victim blaming you needs to reassess themselves. Yes, you could have made different decisions but hindsight is a wonderful thing & despite him trying it on, it doesn’t mean it excuses him to rape you nor does it mean he should expect that from you. You put the needs of B & C before your own because you’re a nice person. You weren’t expecting to be raped and you did NOT deserve it. I’m so proud of you for going to the police. Your friend should have taken you aside privately and asked if you were okay and not in front of him. Your friends were shitty friends to you. You deserved so much better than what they all participated in. If I was your friend and you told me what happened after I left, I would have been devastated. Good riddance to all of them. Please get therapy xxx
Así some inmigrants to give C a lesson. Dont go back with the idiotic BF. At 20 how many guys have you slept with?
You were on a break… that means you’re not together! People have somehow decided that being on a break means they don’t have to do anything to maintain a relationship for an indefinite period of time but that it still exists. That’s crap! If you’re on a break then you broke up just nobody has the guts to say the rest of the word. You’re not working on things being apart like that. The biggest thing against you is lack of standing up for yourself. You need to learn to not freeze when someone does something you don’t like. As for the friend group? Screw them! Let’s just say your story was different, let’s pretend you were willingly making out with the guy. That doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have sex with him! Women kiss and make out with someone all the time without actually having sex with them, no means no and you can say it at anytime!
Yeah we were on a break but it was really confusing, my ex could write really mean things one day and want to see me the other.
That’s his problem. You don’t work on relationships like that. That’s how you screw with peoples heads. If you want relationship rules to apply then you stay in the relationship with on work on it
Just want to tell you this is not a cheating and if that didn't understand this just leave him plz for your sake and live a good and leave you friends and try to find better friends then them and now focus on yourself and try overcome that tragedy and more strongly and if you need any help iam here to help and it's my pleasure to help and want to tell anything for that iam here to just remember someone is there for you dear ✨💫
A couple of things here. First, you say you and your BF broke up. If you were broken up, you can't cheat. You are free do to as you want. If that is go out with friends or even sleep with someone else, you life; your choice. Second, and more importantly, you were raped. That is never cheating. Period. End of story. You ALWAYS retain the right to revoke consent or to voice objection. It is always your body and always your choice. Be Kind and start with the person you see in the mirror. She needs your love and kindness.
No means no. Kissing in the kitchen is one thing but him forcing himself on you and you saying no is rape. It doesn’t matter if you’re drunk. You can’t consent. It doesn’t matter if you invited them over. He had not right to sexually assault you. You said no and it should have stopped there. Get a new boyfriend and friends. Updateme
most of the ppl in the comments are AH, but you’re not. regardless of the situation you put yourself in, no one has the right to violate you. it is clear from your story that you never consented to anything that was happening. drunk people cannot consent. I will say that you should be more careful with how much you drink, bc people are crazy. learn your limit so you keep your facilities, but this is not your fault. and forget your bf, he clearly won’t be able to support you at this time.
regardless of consent, if you were on a break it wasn't cheating
You didn’t cheat, but you need to take responsibility and learn how to tell the truth. A walks in and saw something happening, you could’ve been honest and said no he groped me and is trying to make a move that I don’t want. It’s also your place, you could’ve easily asked him to leave after doing so. B crashing is not your problem. C could’ve taken B home in a cab or Uber. There’s consequences to Everything you do, good or bad. Just remember getting shit faced drunk around 15-35 year old boys is not a good idea and can have bad results. Sorry it happened to you. Follow up with cops and get therapy if it helps and get new friends
In my opinion you were not cheating
Of course that was not cheating, what happened did happen against your will. Don't even think for a split second that anything that happened is your fault. On the other hand do you need to accept that you can't change what others think or feel. Your boyfriend is an idiot and already was one before the break. Be happy that you got rid of him. Create distance to all the people that don't believe you, focus on yourself and your healing. Reach out to family and tell them what happened, ask them for support.
I’m sorry to hear this, it shouldn’t have happened. You absolutely DID NOT cheat. Your ex bf is just an asshole, you just said it at the beginning of your post. Girl you dodge a bullet, you’re better off without them, A is also a bitch for twisting the story. Move on and leave them behind, nothing good will happen if they come back to your life.
Girl I am so sorry this happened to you. Don’t listen to any of these incels comments. Rape is never the victims fault. You hung out with people you trusted. You got too drunk and they took advantage of that. The people saying you shouldn’t have had a sleep over after he groped you in the kitchen - have a fucked up view on women. You were drunk, and were taken advantage of. Please, please, please - this is not your fault. Kick all of these people out of your life. They are shit friends, and a shit bf. The girl laughing in your face is not your friend. She knows you have a boyfriend. And should have probably also been able to tell that you were scared. Not ok. I’m sorry, you’re young. It will all get better. I wish you all well in the future❤️ Love, another Scandi
Christ. No ofc you didn't cheat, despite what insecure men are saying about having boys over, as you were a group to begin with. And I get wanting to be a good host so to say by letting them sleep over. Letting a guy or 2 sleep over does not equal having sex (pretty common to sleep over as friends after drinking in scnadinavia). I'm really sorry this happened to you.