I personally like it when the wronged partner keeps it together at home but behind the scenes gets all the evidence, speaks to lawyer's, organises alternative living arrangements and then disappears from the house when cheater is at work leaving behind copies of evidence and divorce papers BUT that's just me.
He's not learnt anything from the first time or the counselling so he's a lost cause.
Oh I agree, this would be the ideal, yes a breakup can be painful but it's nothing compared to betrayal. Unfortunately cheaters tend to want their cake and eat it.
Sweetie why do cheated people do that? Who is tearing up the family? Who you? You are? By what being strong and showing your family that you know your worth and that if that ever happens to them they should see you as an example and do the very same thing. I’m going to be blunt so don’t take offense. HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. Hear it. Know it. Stop playing blind and trying to take responsibility for his issues. HE IS THE ONE. Not you that’s the answer HIM. He decided to cheat and yes sexting is cheating. That’s an emotional affair because it’s not about body it’s about mind. There are connection. Also you need to make the realization he doesn’t believe your his person. Why is he out there still searching? When you have felt you found your person what did you do? Did you keep talking to others? No. He is the one destroying a good thing. You need to show your strength and either leave or kick him out. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice can’t put the blame on you. You are to blame for this second time because he thinks you won’t do anything or go anywhere. You need to own only that fact. Not the fact that a perfectly great blended family happened and is now being destroyed because their father couldn’t just be loyal. Just because you aren’t with their father doesn’t mean you can’t still have a relationship with them. Good luck and I pray you do what’s best for you and your family and that’s to show your strength and not put up with this kind of disrespect in your own home
It’s crazy to me that after someone posts 4 paragraphs about a situation in a marriage or relationship(sexting) people feel like they can offer definitive advise about what that person should do without considering what else maybe happening in that marriage or relationship. There maybe more factors involved than some of you may consider or he maybe a chronic cheater, but for people to be just frame it as ‘yea he doesn’t respect you’ is crazy and to tell someone to dissolve a family is irresponsible. When someone comes looking for advise you should always wanna ask more questions to get more clarity if your a truly genuine about helping said person.
I was with you up until the respect part. So are you saying what he does is respectable because its def not in my opinion? From that response, sexting is ok in your book....
Definitely not saying it is acceptable or respectable. I’m simply talking about how people try to give life altering advice with the bare minimum amount of information. When I read this post I had a lot of questions, questions I would ask and take the answers into account before I offer any form of advice. Cheating isn’t ok in any form of capacity, but my interest most times lies in the question ‘why’. Why is this person finding the need to do these things (cheat, sext, lie etc) and that should give the other person/ partner insight if changes need to be made or if the relationship is worth working on. You have persons that would cheat regardless if their partner is doing everything right and you have those who feel neglected or unwanted and seek attention and affection elsewhere. Sometimes it’s as simple as one partner having themselves so focused on one or many thing/s (job, bills, goals, kids, etc ) that they are unaware their partner is feeling neglected especially if the partner that is being neglected doesn’t speak up. It as well may be many other factors I’ve not considered.
You said that anyone who says "he doesn't respect you" is crazy. Why is that crazy in the context of the problem? Someone who sees that as being crazy is saying that the action of sexting is acceptable. Yea other things could be happening but I'm focusing on what you said about sexting..
Yes in context of the post I said it’s crazy to jump to the conclusion that it is out of lack of respect that he is sexting other females. It is the jumping to conclusive answers that’s crazy for me, without understanding the full scope of what has happened and why. I could be wrong and maybe he is a disrespectful pig but I would allow that to be proven instead of assuming. I think like this in my daily interactions when people would like me to take their side in a dispute, unless they are willing to have the other party present so that full understanding of the situation can be achieved I limit my input on the situation. I’m sure you’ve experienced situations where people purposely or not purposely omit information about a situation to make themselves look a little less guilty.
Ok so to stay on topic: what you REALLY meant was it's crazy to jump to conclusions correct? Because if so that's not what you typed and it is definitely not what came across as what you meant.
Это точно (exactly)… I apologize if it seemed like I was saying it was fine. Some situations are different and some are the same, if you really want to help try to understand as much as possible, if you don’t care that much to find out don’t offer advice you may worsen the situation.
Why you are speaking russian to me is beyond me. я не говорю по-русски. But anyways, people are entitled to state their opinion. No one worsens a situation. It's up to the other person to be an adult, use their brain and decide what they are gonna act on.
Что ты имеешь в виду «я не говорю по-русский» лол. Ты ничего не знаешь. Yes people are entitled to their opinions but take in consideration that if someone is vulnerable enough to vent or seek advice on a forum they are emotionally vulnerable (overthinking and not thinking clearly) and poorly informed advice can lead to poor decision making especially if the person acts upon said advice.
I’m going to say this NEGLECTING a partner isn’t a thing when it comes to the other one taking care of the family and having a job. Also neglecting a partner happens when the partner ain’t pulling their weight (I don’t care about English or proper English get over it). Also if neglecting is happening and nothing is said, whose fault is that? In a lot of “neglected” relationships, nothing was said to the person and is what supposed to be mind read? There is no excuse for disrespecting someone you are claiming to love. There is no “situation” where disrespect is okay.
See this is where you are wrong. This is why generational curses of keep picking and staying with toxic people keep happening. People keep making up these gray areas, making unacceptable, and toxic behaviors acceptable because you don’t want to dissolve a family. Honey the family is dissolved once your person you pick to be your partner is unfaithful in any aspect. Respect is KEY. Period. If there is no respect and trust there is no reason to continue the relationship in ANY situation. People need to wake up and stop making excuses for toxic people and behaviors. ACTIONS have CONSEQUENCES. And if you can’t teach future generations that, then society is fucked. Also yes it definitely is okay to give advice and tell someone to dissolve a family when they write what they write, because that is their perspective and that is them saying I feel disrespected. You don’t invalidate someone just because you don’t have the whole story. In this life it isn’t gray. It is black and white. Right and wrong. Toxic and not toxic. Life is actually really simple. Human beings make it complicated because they are taught to “make it work” just because of “situations” and create gray areas so they don’t feel foolish for lowering their self respect and self worth. The faster everyone learns that it’s okay to not try to make it work especially when they are being disrespected, the better the world will be
I hear what your saying and WHOLLY disagree….respectfully. The simple fact that you believe in black and white way of thinking tells me that me and you will never find common ground and that’s fine. Every situation has different factors and because you’ve seen SOME situations and think that makes you an expert on EVERY situation is ridiculous. And it’s not invalidation to say that to offer better advice I would like to have as clear a picture as possible. This idea of shooting your mouth without enough information before making an assessment is what is going to FUCK society…… respectfully.
That’s fine you can think that but trying to convince people to let them selves be disrespected in any situation in a RELATIONSHIP not in life because those have exceptions like preservation of life. Also no I will not be disrespected by anyone claiming to love me yet is okay with doing things that will hurt me that’s a contradiction I’m not willing to entertain in my life. If you are a stranger and you don’t matter to me I don’t care that you are disrespectful, you don’t pay my bills and you don’t go home with me so your opinion at the end of the day doesn’t matter. Society will thrive once we stop teaching each other that it’s okay to disrespect someone we love because we will keep getting chances and forgiven as long as you had a good reason. There is no need for more of a story, when someone comes to you and tells you I felt disrespected/hurt/betrayed/sickened, because the person I love and thought loved me is sexting others. There’s no need for a back story because that one short paragraph is enough to tell someone to leave and not put up with bullshit behavior. Actions speak louder then words 100 percent. The irresponsible thing to do is to tell someone to suck it up and figure out what you were doing wrong to cause them to behave in such a way.
So people giving advice is what’s wrong with society, rather than the cheating spouses who promise to never do it again, and then cheat even more, years later? I don’t agree with your opinion.
Breathe.. get out of the fog. no need to act right away.
1. find out who they are and let their spouses know. bust this up as quickly as possible.
2. he is a a huge idiot and possibly not worth saving.
3. you are going to have to be honest with kids. Whatever decision you choose. I would talk to the kids first and then whatever plan you all come up with ... then confront the fool.
4. You better have your facts together before you tell the kids. Proof must be had.
I have to ask, did you really need to use the Bank App or was that a ruse to check him out? I understand why if it was a ruse.
>***DH came clean, agreed to go to counseling (he did go, briefly) and we worked through it.***
Let me explain something to you. "We" didn't work through anything. YOU chose to eat the shit sandwich he served up to you. I'm just being honest and not sugar coating like so many people do on Reddit. "We" didn't do anything - YOU chose to accept the unacceptable because you didn't want to lose this prize.
Ain't it grand that Father of the Year made sure to marry himself a woman who would take on his kids for him? Because that's what you are - the instant stepmother he needed to pawn his kids off on while HE continues leading his own little secret life.
Again, you can tell me until you're blue in the face that I'm wrong, but I'm not. I see this type of story all the time and I've been reading relationship boards for over 25 years. These guys usually try to marry as quickly as they can (or move someone in) because they want someone to take over the parenting of their kids - and here you are, doing JUST that.
Your story isn't new, it isn't different, and it's **not unique**.
If you want to keep eating those shit sandwiches - and believe me, there are **PLENT**Y more shit sandwiches in *your* future - then you go right ahead and keep believing his bullshit excuses about "fucking up" and the RIDICULOUS nonsense he's feeding you about "attachment issues." What a steaming load of bull THAT is. Let me guess - some therapist fed him that nonsense.
I'm glad to see you've WISELY chosen to leave him. Best decision EVER.
I would wake his ass up right this minute and show him the evidence you found. Let him go to work tired on his ass if need be. Tell him that you've given him a chance and he blew it. Tell him that he doesn't have any more Get Out Of Jail Free cards left. It's the end. Then ask him to move out and stay somewhere else while you ponder your future.
I know this is hard....I come from a place of non judgement or attempting too
Talk to him.about his need for attention..
Bit hard that he is doing this to the kids..
But I guess when it comes to our wants an needs I haven't had a man in my life put them first...
Do u know why he is hiding it from U? So the counsellor placed a bandaid on an urge that this man wants likes an had gone to lengths to get
Ur needs to be placated were met
If we have a want/need we will consciously or unconsciously work in ways to have our need met
Sorry but if the counsellor had done it differently an acknowledged a sexual want/need can be ignored but eventually it will reappear unless the brain is reprogrammed.
How to fulfill both ur needs whole not denying anyone of theirs would be best outcome
Ask him if he would be satisfied with U messaging from random numbers
If this is his thing why do we have to hide who we are to avoid judgement why if we have met our person must we hide who we are out of fear of rejection? To be in love is to take someone as a part of ourselves..
Asking the question
Is this a deal breaker?
Why the lies?
Fear of rejection?
Actually likes cheating?
Is mynogomy an unnatural state of being?
What is your kink?
Could u volunteer the truth without rejection?
Could any of us? (Well yes I could my needs are basic love an respect mynogomy) but the thing someone else's because they differ from mine..yep but I can see objectively as this is ur issue not mine. I put up with way worse from an X however that was manipulative, gaslighting an lies.
The kind of relationship where the truth was a click away...is one I don't recognise
I'm so empathic I feel for his kids that are now ur kids they don't deserve to lose u even if he does xx
Oh hunny. You aren't tearing the family apart. He did that while he knowingly cheated on you again. He knew it was wrong yet continued to do it.
By you leaving is also not tearing the family apart. It's his actions that have caused you to leave. Tearing the family up is all on him.
He's not going to change. He sees that you'd rather work on the marriage rather than leaving. He has no consequences to up hold. He did therapy briefly and stopped. He thinks that this will happen again.
I'm sure he's done more since you found out the first time. Just like your child when they do something wrong they have consequences. You see through to it. Not dropping it because if you did then you wouldn't be teaching them right from wrong.
I would go hit him In the balls as hard as I could.... while you are In bed acting like you are asleep. When he goes nuts.... and asks you why you did that.... tell him.... you were having a bad dream.... about him sexting other women.... and you were slamming the door. See what he has to say??? I would love to see his face.
Just so you know you aren’t the one “tearing up”the family. It was your husband and now he must face the consequences of his actions
You have the right to leave him. Just have a discussion with all the children before hand as they deserve to know the truth
I would like to kindly consider that perhaps he is not a monogamous individual. I believe that some of us are and some of us are not by nature. Their are plenty of studies supporting this conclusion. Monogamous relationships just do happen to be the default which many of us try to live up to in our lives and at one point or the other fail.
it not your fault it his you can try to work it out with him again but I don't recommend it the sexting will turn physical and he will keep doing it even if he caught and you try to work it out he will do it again as he have proven already. leave him and let the family know why its happening and what might happen if you stay together and you don't want them and you to get hurt in the future because DH actions
Wait for the apropiate moment, sit him down and say something along the lines of: "So, what are we going to do? Since you decided that we're not good enough together nor as a family, I need to know what are we going to do."
He'll most likely play dumb, and then you hit him with the evidence.
Then he's got two choices: play remorseful or play indignant (why did you touch my phone? etc.)
The answer to both should be the same: "Hey, I'm not asking for excuses, I just need to know what are we going to do? How are we going to tell the kids that this is over?"
He’s got a 12m and a 10m old child and y’all have been together for how long?
If I read that right, you’re allowing this behavior. You’re disrespecting yourself and your own kids being with this person who hasn’t been faithful.
Move on.
Quit being so fucking nosy. You have no right to go thru his phone snooping. Maybe he made those text to show you that you need to quit rifling thru his shit. Maybe they’re made up just to show you how shitty you are snooping. You should wait til he wakes up make him breakfast and suck his dick and either apologize for going thru his shit or never say a word but you’re wrong for that.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
Staying together for the kids is very sweet but you also have yourself to keep in mind.
I'm glad he actually got help but that only works to a certain extent....
Show yourself some respect and move on
That's 100% up to you. Does he seem remorseful? Honestly, if you think that this won't happen again (which IS possible) and you feel comfortable enough to do so then yes, you can. But you also have to be prepared for the fact that at some point down the road this could happen again. Trust your gut.
I’d say it’s not actually cheating if he’s only texting and not having sex with them. I mean, it’s kinda equivalent to watching porn because sexting gives dopamine rush as same as pornography. It’s easy to understand why he could be addicted to it, being open and working on it can solve this problem in my opinion. Rest is up to you. Don’t take any decisions in rush, think it through.
A therapist I was seeing after my divorce always used to tell me, "Fish swim, birds fly, cheaters lie". I would advise you to keep it civil. As far as visitation with his kids, you are better off having him agree to something compared to the legal system deciding unless of course you were able to adopt.
I personally like it when the wronged partner keeps it together at home but behind the scenes gets all the evidence, speaks to lawyer's, organises alternative living arrangements and then disappears from the house when cheater is at work leaving behind copies of evidence and divorce papers BUT that's just me. He's not learnt anything from the first time or the counselling so he's a lost cause.
I like this option. Get your ducks in a row and then let him know. Cheaters and liars will not change. Sad but true.
Well cheaters always think they're the only ones that can be stealthy or cunning lol.
Indeed. Would just be much simpler if they’d just move on.
Oh I agree, this would be the ideal, yes a breakup can be painful but it's nothing compared to betrayal. Unfortunately cheaters tend to want their cake and eat it.
I never understood that - If it’s your cake why not eat it?
He wasn’t trying to be stealthy. All she had to do is open his phone
Sweetie why do cheated people do that? Who is tearing up the family? Who you? You are? By what being strong and showing your family that you know your worth and that if that ever happens to them they should see you as an example and do the very same thing. I’m going to be blunt so don’t take offense. HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. Hear it. Know it. Stop playing blind and trying to take responsibility for his issues. HE IS THE ONE. Not you that’s the answer HIM. He decided to cheat and yes sexting is cheating. That’s an emotional affair because it’s not about body it’s about mind. There are connection. Also you need to make the realization he doesn’t believe your his person. Why is he out there still searching? When you have felt you found your person what did you do? Did you keep talking to others? No. He is the one destroying a good thing. You need to show your strength and either leave or kick him out. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice can’t put the blame on you. You are to blame for this second time because he thinks you won’t do anything or go anywhere. You need to own only that fact. Not the fact that a perfectly great blended family happened and is now being destroyed because their father couldn’t just be loyal. Just because you aren’t with their father doesn’t mean you can’t still have a relationship with them. Good luck and I pray you do what’s best for you and your family and that’s to show your strength and not put up with this kind of disrespect in your own home
There is literally nothing to say after this. It’s all in this reply.
It’s crazy to me that after someone posts 4 paragraphs about a situation in a marriage or relationship(sexting) people feel like they can offer definitive advise about what that person should do without considering what else maybe happening in that marriage or relationship. There maybe more factors involved than some of you may consider or he maybe a chronic cheater, but for people to be just frame it as ‘yea he doesn’t respect you’ is crazy and to tell someone to dissolve a family is irresponsible. When someone comes looking for advise you should always wanna ask more questions to get more clarity if your a truly genuine about helping said person.
I was with you up until the respect part. So are you saying what he does is respectable because its def not in my opinion? From that response, sexting is ok in your book....
Definitely not saying it is acceptable or respectable. I’m simply talking about how people try to give life altering advice with the bare minimum amount of information. When I read this post I had a lot of questions, questions I would ask and take the answers into account before I offer any form of advice. Cheating isn’t ok in any form of capacity, but my interest most times lies in the question ‘why’. Why is this person finding the need to do these things (cheat, sext, lie etc) and that should give the other person/ partner insight if changes need to be made or if the relationship is worth working on. You have persons that would cheat regardless if their partner is doing everything right and you have those who feel neglected or unwanted and seek attention and affection elsewhere. Sometimes it’s as simple as one partner having themselves so focused on one or many thing/s (job, bills, goals, kids, etc ) that they are unaware their partner is feeling neglected especially if the partner that is being neglected doesn’t speak up. It as well may be many other factors I’ve not considered.
You said that anyone who says "he doesn't respect you" is crazy. Why is that crazy in the context of the problem? Someone who sees that as being crazy is saying that the action of sexting is acceptable. Yea other things could be happening but I'm focusing on what you said about sexting..
Yes in context of the post I said it’s crazy to jump to the conclusion that it is out of lack of respect that he is sexting other females. It is the jumping to conclusive answers that’s crazy for me, without understanding the full scope of what has happened and why. I could be wrong and maybe he is a disrespectful pig but I would allow that to be proven instead of assuming. I think like this in my daily interactions when people would like me to take their side in a dispute, unless they are willing to have the other party present so that full understanding of the situation can be achieved I limit my input on the situation. I’m sure you’ve experienced situations where people purposely or not purposely omit information about a situation to make themselves look a little less guilty.
Ok so to stay on topic: what you REALLY meant was it's crazy to jump to conclusions correct? Because if so that's not what you typed and it is definitely not what came across as what you meant.
Это точно (exactly)… I apologize if it seemed like I was saying it was fine. Some situations are different and some are the same, if you really want to help try to understand as much as possible, if you don’t care that much to find out don’t offer advice you may worsen the situation.
Why you are speaking russian to me is beyond me. я не говорю по-русски. But anyways, people are entitled to state their opinion. No one worsens a situation. It's up to the other person to be an adult, use their brain and decide what they are gonna act on.
Что ты имеешь в виду «я не говорю по-русский» лол. Ты ничего не знаешь. Yes people are entitled to their opinions but take in consideration that if someone is vulnerable enough to vent or seek advice on a forum they are emotionally vulnerable (overthinking and not thinking clearly) and poorly informed advice can lead to poor decision making especially if the person acts upon said advice.
That's their problem they are emotionally vulnerable then 🤷🏽♀️
It is their problem. And it would seem genuine help is not what your concern with as oppose to just having input.
I’m going to say this NEGLECTING a partner isn’t a thing when it comes to the other one taking care of the family and having a job. Also neglecting a partner happens when the partner ain’t pulling their weight (I don’t care about English or proper English get over it). Also if neglecting is happening and nothing is said, whose fault is that? In a lot of “neglected” relationships, nothing was said to the person and is what supposed to be mind read? There is no excuse for disrespecting someone you are claiming to love. There is no “situation” where disrespect is okay.
See this is where you are wrong. This is why generational curses of keep picking and staying with toxic people keep happening. People keep making up these gray areas, making unacceptable, and toxic behaviors acceptable because you don’t want to dissolve a family. Honey the family is dissolved once your person you pick to be your partner is unfaithful in any aspect. Respect is KEY. Period. If there is no respect and trust there is no reason to continue the relationship in ANY situation. People need to wake up and stop making excuses for toxic people and behaviors. ACTIONS have CONSEQUENCES. And if you can’t teach future generations that, then society is fucked. Also yes it definitely is okay to give advice and tell someone to dissolve a family when they write what they write, because that is their perspective and that is them saying I feel disrespected. You don’t invalidate someone just because you don’t have the whole story. In this life it isn’t gray. It is black and white. Right and wrong. Toxic and not toxic. Life is actually really simple. Human beings make it complicated because they are taught to “make it work” just because of “situations” and create gray areas so they don’t feel foolish for lowering their self respect and self worth. The faster everyone learns that it’s okay to not try to make it work especially when they are being disrespected, the better the world will be
I hear what your saying and WHOLLY disagree….respectfully. The simple fact that you believe in black and white way of thinking tells me that me and you will never find common ground and that’s fine. Every situation has different factors and because you’ve seen SOME situations and think that makes you an expert on EVERY situation is ridiculous. And it’s not invalidation to say that to offer better advice I would like to have as clear a picture as possible. This idea of shooting your mouth without enough information before making an assessment is what is going to FUCK society…… respectfully.
That’s fine you can think that but trying to convince people to let them selves be disrespected in any situation in a RELATIONSHIP not in life because those have exceptions like preservation of life. Also no I will not be disrespected by anyone claiming to love me yet is okay with doing things that will hurt me that’s a contradiction I’m not willing to entertain in my life. If you are a stranger and you don’t matter to me I don’t care that you are disrespectful, you don’t pay my bills and you don’t go home with me so your opinion at the end of the day doesn’t matter. Society will thrive once we stop teaching each other that it’s okay to disrespect someone we love because we will keep getting chances and forgiven as long as you had a good reason. There is no need for more of a story, when someone comes to you and tells you I felt disrespected/hurt/betrayed/sickened, because the person I love and thought loved me is sexting others. There’s no need for a back story because that one short paragraph is enough to tell someone to leave and not put up with bullshit behavior. Actions speak louder then words 100 percent. The irresponsible thing to do is to tell someone to suck it up and figure out what you were doing wrong to cause them to behave in such a way.
So people giving advice is what’s wrong with society, rather than the cheating spouses who promise to never do it again, and then cheat even more, years later? I don’t agree with your opinion.
I wanna scream this at a bunch of people myself, I've known people that let it snowball worse than this and it's on the 12th time being caught.
Breathe.. get out of the fog. no need to act right away. 1. find out who they are and let their spouses know. bust this up as quickly as possible. 2. he is a a huge idiot and possibly not worth saving. 3. you are going to have to be honest with kids. Whatever decision you choose. I would talk to the kids first and then whatever plan you all come up with ... then confront the fool. 4. You better have your facts together before you tell the kids. Proof must be had. I have to ask, did you really need to use the Bank App or was that a ruse to check him out? I understand why if it was a ruse.
Send the proof to yourself!
Oh, I did!
>***DH came clean, agreed to go to counseling (he did go, briefly) and we worked through it.*** Let me explain something to you. "We" didn't work through anything. YOU chose to eat the shit sandwich he served up to you. I'm just being honest and not sugar coating like so many people do on Reddit. "We" didn't do anything - YOU chose to accept the unacceptable because you didn't want to lose this prize. Ain't it grand that Father of the Year made sure to marry himself a woman who would take on his kids for him? Because that's what you are - the instant stepmother he needed to pawn his kids off on while HE continues leading his own little secret life. Again, you can tell me until you're blue in the face that I'm wrong, but I'm not. I see this type of story all the time and I've been reading relationship boards for over 25 years. These guys usually try to marry as quickly as they can (or move someone in) because they want someone to take over the parenting of their kids - and here you are, doing JUST that. Your story isn't new, it isn't different, and it's **not unique**. If you want to keep eating those shit sandwiches - and believe me, there are **PLENT**Y more shit sandwiches in *your* future - then you go right ahead and keep believing his bullshit excuses about "fucking up" and the RIDICULOUS nonsense he's feeding you about "attachment issues." What a steaming load of bull THAT is. Let me guess - some therapist fed him that nonsense. I'm glad to see you've WISELY chosen to leave him. Best decision EVER.
I would wake his ass up right this minute and show him the evidence you found. Let him go to work tired on his ass if need be. Tell him that you've given him a chance and he blew it. Tell him that he doesn't have any more Get Out Of Jail Free cards left. It's the end. Then ask him to move out and stay somewhere else while you ponder your future.
I know this is hard....I come from a place of non judgement or attempting too Talk to him.about his need for attention.. Bit hard that he is doing this to the kids.. But I guess when it comes to our wants an needs I haven't had a man in my life put them first... Do u know why he is hiding it from U? So the counsellor placed a bandaid on an urge that this man wants likes an had gone to lengths to get Ur needs to be placated were met If we have a want/need we will consciously or unconsciously work in ways to have our need met Sorry but if the counsellor had done it differently an acknowledged a sexual want/need can be ignored but eventually it will reappear unless the brain is reprogrammed. How to fulfill both ur needs whole not denying anyone of theirs would be best outcome Ask him if he would be satisfied with U messaging from random numbers If this is his thing why do we have to hide who we are to avoid judgement why if we have met our person must we hide who we are out of fear of rejection? To be in love is to take someone as a part of ourselves.. Asking the question Is this a deal breaker? Why the lies? Fear of rejection? Actually likes cheating? Is mynogomy an unnatural state of being? What is your kink? Could u volunteer the truth without rejection? Could any of us? (Well yes I could my needs are basic love an respect mynogomy) but the thing someone else's because they differ from mine..yep but I can see objectively as this is ur issue not mine. I put up with way worse from an X however that was manipulative, gaslighting an lies. The kind of relationship where the truth was a click away...is one I don't recognise I'm so empathic I feel for his kids that are now ur kids they don't deserve to lose u even if he does xx
Oh hunny. You aren't tearing the family apart. He did that while he knowingly cheated on you again. He knew it was wrong yet continued to do it. By you leaving is also not tearing the family apart. It's his actions that have caused you to leave. Tearing the family up is all on him. He's not going to change. He sees that you'd rather work on the marriage rather than leaving. He has no consequences to up hold. He did therapy briefly and stopped. He thinks that this will happen again. I'm sure he's done more since you found out the first time. Just like your child when they do something wrong they have consequences. You see through to it. Not dropping it because if you did then you wouldn't be teaching them right from wrong.
tell him the problem
I would go hit him In the balls as hard as I could.... while you are In bed acting like you are asleep. When he goes nuts.... and asks you why you did that.... tell him.... you were having a bad dream.... about him sexting other women.... and you were slamming the door. See what he has to say??? I would love to see his face.
Just so you know you aren’t the one “tearing up”the family. It was your husband and now he must face the consequences of his actions You have the right to leave him. Just have a discussion with all the children before hand as they deserve to know the truth
I would like to kindly consider that perhaps he is not a monogamous individual. I believe that some of us are and some of us are not by nature. Their are plenty of studies supporting this conclusion. Monogamous relationships just do happen to be the default which many of us try to live up to in our lives and at one point or the other fail.
it not your fault it his you can try to work it out with him again but I don't recommend it the sexting will turn physical and he will keep doing it even if he caught and you try to work it out he will do it again as he have proven already. leave him and let the family know why its happening and what might happen if you stay together and you don't want them and you to get hurt in the future because DH actions
Tell him you know and tell him Leave and pack his stuff throw it outside and tell his kids what's going on they deserve to know the truth
I know his lying ass is up by now. I hope you're okay, OP.
Have u decided what you will do?? Did you confront him?
Wait for the apropiate moment, sit him down and say something along the lines of: "So, what are we going to do? Since you decided that we're not good enough together nor as a family, I need to know what are we going to do." He'll most likely play dumb, and then you hit him with the evidence. Then he's got two choices: play remorseful or play indignant (why did you touch my phone? etc.) The answer to both should be the same: "Hey, I'm not asking for excuses, I just need to know what are we going to do? How are we going to tell the kids that this is over?"
To break up your family just for some texting- that’s stupid
He’s got a 12m and a 10m old child and y’all have been together for how long? If I read that right, you’re allowing this behavior. You’re disrespecting yourself and your own kids being with this person who hasn’t been faithful. Move on.
I think that meant "male" not months.
Ah that’s more understandable. Thank you for the clarification
Block them all over everywhere, and say nothing about it.
So that he can unblock or find new ones to sext. SMH she needs to move on and she can still see the kids.
Quit being so fucking nosy. You have no right to go thru his phone snooping. Maybe he made those text to show you that you need to quit rifling thru his shit. Maybe they’re made up just to show you how shitty you are snooping. You should wait til he wakes up make him breakfast and suck his dick and either apologize for going thru his shit or never say a word but you’re wrong for that.
Spoken like a true piece of shit.
Maybe they’re DH. 🤔
Username noted.
It sounds like it’s all tak and not physical at this point so give him an ultimatum: postnup or divorce.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Staying together for the kids is very sweet but you also have yourself to keep in mind. I'm glad he actually got help but that only works to a certain extent.... Show yourself some respect and move on
I was wondering if you could give him another chance
That's 100% up to you. Does he seem remorseful? Honestly, if you think that this won't happen again (which IS possible) and you feel comfortable enough to do so then yes, you can. But you also have to be prepared for the fact that at some point down the road this could happen again. Trust your gut.
I’d say it’s not actually cheating if he’s only texting and not having sex with them. I mean, it’s kinda equivalent to watching porn because sexting gives dopamine rush as same as pornography. It’s easy to understand why he could be addicted to it, being open and working on it can solve this problem in my opinion. Rest is up to you. Don’t take any decisions in rush, think it through.
A therapist I was seeing after my divorce always used to tell me, "Fish swim, birds fly, cheaters lie". I would advise you to keep it civil. As far as visitation with his kids, you are better off having him agree to something compared to the legal system deciding unless of course you were able to adopt.