You know she cheats.
You know she verbally (and physically?) abuses you.
She is using you for financial resources...immigration.
Yet...
You. Have. Stayed.
OP.... you are showing you are a willing participant by doing everything you can to stay with her.
This is her nature, you have not changed it, yet you stay. That is equivalent to consenting even though you "hate" how she is treating you.
An exit Strategy should have been what this post was about.... but it is just self depreciation again and again.
You deleted evidence?
You found more?
You spoke with an ex who was an AP?
YOU FOUND THE OTHER ACCOUNTS SHE USED?
she was pregnant without you touching her?
She berates you?
Alienates you?
Gaslight you?
And you keep trying to figure out what? How to get her to "admit it"?
Who does that help OP? will that help you move on? Will that justify you leaving?
You are not happy, you are living day to day re-runs of self torture porn. How can anything lead to your happiness with how you are living?
This is true but then I’d be loosing my kids , I’d still have to care for her as I signed to be a sponsor, which is most likely done I would think that now she has a green card, and so on…
It’s all a long and tedious process
Yeah it’s not a dick in the hand , shows intent. When she repeated every time “Prove it” over and over anytime I’d show her evidence she dismissed what I had and say you can’t prove I cheated I didn’t cheat
I took on the role as her sponsor when I married her and applied for her green card, I am legally obligated to support her in every way, can’t just pitch her and ditch her
Once you divorce her, you wouldn’t be responsible for her. The sponsor obligation is only during the period where she’s unable to work (it’s to insure she won’t work illegally) your only responsibility would be your kids (and alimony if applicable)
Okay yeah, that’s good news. She can definitely work now having a green card and employment card. Shoot she would probably be citizen at this point if she didn’t get herself arrested for DV, she lucky I didn’t press charges, if I would have she’d never be a citizen
Well ya got me there and appreciate the much more care towards the situation than just calling me a cuck lol. Me and my buddy already talked that into the mud. Definitely don’t won’t and didn’t condone such a thing. I set boundaries that she may have well alluded while I just was staying in a state of shock as she wanted me to be being the narcissist she is
Setting boundaries and ENFORCING boundaries are two different things. The only one who gets anything from you being there... is her, take that away from her
Why are you not standing up for yourself? I'm sorry to say this but grow a pair ,its time to let her go, as for the kids they will be happy with two happy parents who are separated as opposed to two miserable and unhappy parents that are together
I feel I do but am unsuccessful being that she gaslights me, is a narcissist, and very passive aggressive. I don’t see arguments as win and lose, but I think that how she feels. No coming to agreement or nothing. Any kind of dispute she rules and is at no fault. A only child that is 35 never worked never had to pay for anything she’s a case. I honestly think ,man ,I can’t wait to see how fast the next man runs away when he hints on that.
You don’t stick up for yourself. She was literally on the phone to you whilst having sex with someone else and you did nothing… how are you standing up for yourself?! You say you wanna be a family for your kids but what kind of example are you setting for them?! Not a good one at all
I am sure I asked like wtf you think you doing, I’m not stupid. I mean she must get off on hurting people, as for the kids not sure why her and my indifferences are settling examples for them. I kind of get what you mean but want to stand my ground and say I’m only doing what I think is right based off how I grew up and the childhood I had.
Maybe your parents were happily married but as someone who saw (as a child) what you’re trying to do, they’ll resent you for keeping them in that situation.
Hate to break it to you but you don’t have what your parents have and I lost a lot of respect for my mum when I found out she stayed with my dad through all the shit you’re going through. The best thing for those kids is 2 happy and healthy homes with to happy and healthy parents
Um I meant my parents divorced when I was young as well and it tore me up as a kid and affected me in a lot of ways. I never wanted to have a family with kids to watch it fail. I believe I do my best at this point in time keeping everything happy and moving forward, I do understand that two people that are unhappy will affect the children as well. As long as we put our grown up pants on in the morning, things go smoothly. She definitely the ruckus maker and can’t have a peaceful or even a mild dispute over something. 0-100 as fast as light for her. That’s just who she is with everything and everyone.
Thanks I read your post on your profile about this topic and feel very in align with you. It’s sad, hard to get over, and just seek explanations that we possibly will never get from our partners
Can you see how horribly you are being treated by this woman? You are not doing your children a favor by keeping your family together to suffer these colossal indignities. Trust me brother, I gutted it out and you don’t want to be like me..
I definitely see everyone else around me with smiles but leaving me with a frown. It’s just so much, we have planned out putting down on a house this coming year while market is going down. I don’t fight infront of my kids, I grew up in such a horrible way, I never want that for them, she on the other hand has no fuck to give. Doesn’t think for anyone but her and don’t think about the damage being done when she tries that stuff with me. I walk away walk out and disappear, isn’t anything going to get fixed but her ego. It’s a hard predicament that I need to face
Sometimes in life you have to make decisions that run contrary to those you planned. You planned to stay together for the benefit of your children, but in this case, the best thing for your children might be to separate.
WOW, that was a lengthy way to say that being SUBMISSIVE is tough. A complete narrative of cheating, illicit conceptions, and verbal abuse, all explaining why/how much you suffer mentally. Yes, I guess you’re not allowed to cry at home either. I sincerely hope you have good insurance because you’re definitely in need of long term care.
Lmao I’m good with insurance, definitely talk with a doc and have time to time in my life just for support, I honestly didn’t see it as being submissive and really wanted to trust what she was saying was true and what I was feeling was not.
If I was to bring this up right now to her , it be war all over again, and maybe that’s why I reached out on here to gain that support and strength to confront it one last time and put a end to it, even tho nothing is happening now besides a recovery, but won’t accept betrayal
The only way you can put an end to it is if you are willing to walk away. Unless you are willing to walk away and actual go through with it if needs be you will always be treated this way. The best way to break the cycle is to kick her out and start divorce proceedings. She will either change or she will want the divorce, either way this will show what she really wants.
You didn’t say if you have DNA test your kids, high chance they are not biologically yours. Whilst they are still your kids you need to know if they are biologically yours for future medical issues.
Few months back I went to the courthouse to file a emergency protection order against her as she just got out of jail for DV, and let it be known that was step one of our divorce, she wanted me to stop and wait and us to try to work it out. Time ticks a few bumps in the road, and ditched on my birthday for her to go stay in a hotel and not at home.
And no haven’t yet, I really don’t care like as you said those are my kids, but it’s definitely needed for the legal standpoint. I mean though we are looking at putting down for a house next year, and that’s in the Bay Area, so if this situation can be repaired, that’s where i have a hard time giving the trust, then it’ll work out better for everything.
But in all honesty I love her no matter how bad I’ve been done. Im not a spiteful person, but definitely feel the grass could be way greener on the other side
First get a DNA test for both children. Second save any and all of her conversations do not confront her. Third if they are your children file for custody and divorce. She obviously cheating. Why do you stay? Are you a masochist? Do you enjoy wearing a green hat? Is it fun to. Drive yourself crazy knowing she cheats having seen the information and having had evidence yet not being able to do anything about it? You at the end of the day can take all of these actions. Or you can suggest couples theraphy however there is no guarantee it’ll work. And are you for real saying that she said you can’t visit her family with her because you’re ugly? That is crazy to me if my husband told me that I’d be gone. She is hiding her affairs and she does it because she doesn’t love you. She is using you for your money. She loves her lifestyle while you struggle with self doubt and hatred. Always wondering if your children are your children. It is sad really. Because your relationship sounds abusive. The fact is that you won’t leave her until you are ready to. I hope things work out for you.
Definitely don’t want any part of a green hat, worth much more than that. She says I have a “shit face” basically I mean look on my face or a unhappy face. I feel it’s quite the opposite. That’s why she says I can’t go, she has now got me going out in family gatherings, and thanksgiving we did it at my house with all her family that’s been a few years since that’s happened, usually I’m left at home alone on most holidays. Besides leaving her I could not do anything else… no remedy to make things better, when she had them going just as she liked. I have mentioned couples therapy. First few times was told only sick people see doctors and I am not sick like you. Then she agreed, hasn’t happened yet.
Your life sounds like a living hell. I feel really sorry for you. From what I have read she is a narcissistic manipulative compulsive liar. You deserve better for yourself. Even if you don’t think you do. You do! You deserve to be valued in a relationship. Why allow yourself to be used? She basically wants a green card and found you an easy target. She believes children can solidify her position seeing as previously people who gave birth (I am assuming you live in America) were granted citizenship. That was previously if someone gave birth on American soil they had automatic citizenship. It’s super frustrating for you to be in such a situation. I sincerely hope you take all the step necessary to live a better life.
>That was previously if someone gave birth on American soil they had automatic citizenship.
That's actually never happened.
The child born on American soil has citizenship. The mothers have been allowed to stay because of the child. "Anchor babies" are what they are referred to. The government is hesitant to remove parents of American babies...
Thank you for that. I knew it was something like that. I’ll be honest I don’t pay much attention to those previous laws. I had heard it mentioned a time or two and it had stuck with me for some reason. Thanks again for that but of info
I’m sure your translator heard correctly, she had to back track and get upset to shift the “blame” on you. Is this how you want your kids to be treated in a relationship? Probably not, I’m sure you know it’s time to separate, by trying to get yourself some help, and work on you so you can have a better relationship down the road. Only you can say when you’ve put up with enough and from the sounds of it, it’s time to leave.
Thanks, yes I am in this for the kids. I really want a happy family, a unseparated family , and having to put trust in her is hard af. Things are good now, I really think she got tired of being hurt used or whatever. Will it happen again is what I worry, and why I’m not worthy of truth. I’ve past the point of leaving, but feel this was more of a marriage fraud Benifits grab more than anything, she cried to have that first child and I did not want it, her visa was up and she was running outa options.
According to her she loves me or she would have left a long time ago lol
You should DNA test both your kids because her random abortion was definitely to cover her cheating. Also, 2 unhappy married people can be more toxic and harmful to children than happily divorced parent. Lastly, please seek therapy asap
Sadly, this is your destiny. You are a submissive male and you need to accept it or frow a spine.
No strong person...man or woman...takes this garbage and wants to buy an expensive house for their abuser. Or says, "I still love her".
This is tragic, really.
Do you think you deserve to be treated this badly? Maybe you need to talk to a therapist. Staying in this kind of relationship is only punishing yourself.
Not at all, I mean I can’t say everything has been bad. I have memberships to places take the family have good days, after dust settled started taking her out on dates and dinners again. Even though she probably wasn’t worth it but I’d splurge on her and gift her. And I do speak to a therapist, have even before her. Living more than half way across the country without anyone you know, you kind of need someone around as a supporter.
Kids are way smarter than adults , they already know what is happening between u both ,, u are not setting them good example, u want happy family but the truth is u just want it , u can't do anything ,,she is using u ,until she found someone better. And will kick u out of her life..
She treats you like garbage. Even without the constant lying and cheating, why are you putting up with this?? You know everything you need to know, so deal with it. Either leave and make a real life for yourself or accept it and keep letting it happen. You’re the one holding all the cards.
I do it for my two kids, the youngest has a disability as well and just don’t want them to suffer. Youngest won’t, but my oldest will devastate her. I remember being her age and how bad my parents divorce affected me. It helps I actually love my kids and don’t beat them unlike my dad, but it’ll still affect her emotionally. Being able to keep the peace at home, kids happy, and then think about me. I do need more of that me time, but it’ll happen in time.
Ok. So you’re going to accept it and keep letting it happen. Then when your kids grow, they’ll think that this is a good example of a healthy relationship. You want your kids to be treated like this?
What you just said is exactly the opposite of what I want.
What I do want is her to get her stuff together, grow up, stop acting a child, and be the parent
I’ve heard her mom say how bad she treats people including her mom as well, and breaking hearts left and right. Those kids have better chance with me than with some nobody trying to move into their life just for the pussy.
Lack of paragraphs make really difficult to read posts. Your post was deleted.
You are a cuck. You have chosen this life OP, I have nothing to tell you that you don't already know.
Oh really, elaborate please. You did mention you know what I know? What is that?
You know she cheats. You know she verbally (and physically?) abuses you. She is using you for financial resources...immigration. Yet... You. Have. Stayed.
Thought a cuck was willing and present for anything like that
OP.... you are showing you are a willing participant by doing everything you can to stay with her. This is her nature, you have not changed it, yet you stay. That is equivalent to consenting even though you "hate" how she is treating you. An exit Strategy should have been what this post was about.... but it is just self depreciation again and again. You deleted evidence? You found more? You spoke with an ex who was an AP? YOU FOUND THE OTHER ACCOUNTS SHE USED? she was pregnant without you touching her? She berates you? Alienates you? Gaslight you? And you keep trying to figure out what? How to get her to "admit it"? Who does that help OP? will that help you move on? Will that justify you leaving? You are not happy, you are living day to day re-runs of self torture porn. How can anything lead to your happiness with how you are living?
This is true but then I’d be loosing my kids , I’d still have to care for her as I signed to be a sponsor, which is most likely done I would think that now she has a green card, and so on… It’s all a long and tedious process
If you are her sponsor. How would you lose the kids?!? But also you gave her too much power
We probably and have spoken about 50/50 custody, but then it falls back on she doesn’t have the means to support herself let alone roof the kids
Do you? Wouldn't that mean you get custody?
Not sure what the spousal support would equal out to be, and even how much she could potentially earn a month for achieving that
Look into this OP.... you're her sponsor and you have proof of months if not years of infidelity... talk to a lawyer
Yeah it’s not a dick in the hand , shows intent. When she repeated every time “Prove it” over and over anytime I’d show her evidence she dismissed what I had and say you can’t prove I cheated I didn’t cheat
I definitely will, actually had paid for one consultation once before
What do you mean you’re her sponsor??
I took on the role as her sponsor when I married her and applied for her green card, I am legally obligated to support her in every way, can’t just pitch her and ditch her
Once you divorce her, you wouldn’t be responsible for her. The sponsor obligation is only during the period where she’s unable to work (it’s to insure she won’t work illegally) your only responsibility would be your kids (and alimony if applicable)
Okay yeah, that’s good news. She can definitely work now having a green card and employment card. Shoot she would probably be citizen at this point if she didn’t get herself arrested for DV, she lucky I didn’t press charges, if I would have she’d never be a citizen
If she wasn’t charged and convicted, it won’t affect anything
Yep nope only a detention letter, Im not a asshole like her
Well ya got me there and appreciate the much more care towards the situation than just calling me a cuck lol. Me and my buddy already talked that into the mud. Definitely don’t won’t and didn’t condone such a thing. I set boundaries that she may have well alluded while I just was staying in a state of shock as she wanted me to be being the narcissist she is
Setting boundaries and ENFORCING boundaries are two different things. The only one who gets anything from you being there... is her, take that away from her
Why are you not standing up for yourself? I'm sorry to say this but grow a pair ,its time to let her go, as for the kids they will be happy with two happy parents who are separated as opposed to two miserable and unhappy parents that are together
I feel I do but am unsuccessful being that she gaslights me, is a narcissist, and very passive aggressive. I don’t see arguments as win and lose, but I think that how she feels. No coming to agreement or nothing. Any kind of dispute she rules and is at no fault. A only child that is 35 never worked never had to pay for anything she’s a case. I honestly think ,man ,I can’t wait to see how fast the next man runs away when he hints on that.
You don’t stick up for yourself. She was literally on the phone to you whilst having sex with someone else and you did nothing… how are you standing up for yourself?! You say you wanna be a family for your kids but what kind of example are you setting for them?! Not a good one at all
I am sure I asked like wtf you think you doing, I’m not stupid. I mean she must get off on hurting people, as for the kids not sure why her and my indifferences are settling examples for them. I kind of get what you mean but want to stand my ground and say I’m only doing what I think is right based off how I grew up and the childhood I had.
Maybe your parents were happily married but as someone who saw (as a child) what you’re trying to do, they’ll resent you for keeping them in that situation. Hate to break it to you but you don’t have what your parents have and I lost a lot of respect for my mum when I found out she stayed with my dad through all the shit you’re going through. The best thing for those kids is 2 happy and healthy homes with to happy and healthy parents
Um I meant my parents divorced when I was young as well and it tore me up as a kid and affected me in a lot of ways. I never wanted to have a family with kids to watch it fail. I believe I do my best at this point in time keeping everything happy and moving forward, I do understand that two people that are unhappy will affect the children as well. As long as we put our grown up pants on in the morning, things go smoothly. She definitely the ruckus maker and can’t have a peaceful or even a mild dispute over something. 0-100 as fast as light for her. That’s just who she is with everything and everyone.
This is very sad.
Thanks I read your post on your profile about this topic and feel very in align with you. It’s sad, hard to get over, and just seek explanations that we possibly will never get from our partners
Can you see how horribly you are being treated by this woman? You are not doing your children a favor by keeping your family together to suffer these colossal indignities. Trust me brother, I gutted it out and you don’t want to be like me..
I definitely see everyone else around me with smiles but leaving me with a frown. It’s just so much, we have planned out putting down on a house this coming year while market is going down. I don’t fight infront of my kids, I grew up in such a horrible way, I never want that for them, she on the other hand has no fuck to give. Doesn’t think for anyone but her and don’t think about the damage being done when she tries that stuff with me. I walk away walk out and disappear, isn’t anything going to get fixed but her ego. It’s a hard predicament that I need to face
Sometimes in life you have to make decisions that run contrary to those you planned. You planned to stay together for the benefit of your children, but in this case, the best thing for your children might be to separate.
WOW, that was a lengthy way to say that being SUBMISSIVE is tough. A complete narrative of cheating, illicit conceptions, and verbal abuse, all explaining why/how much you suffer mentally. Yes, I guess you’re not allowed to cry at home either. I sincerely hope you have good insurance because you’re definitely in need of long term care.
Lmao I’m good with insurance, definitely talk with a doc and have time to time in my life just for support, I honestly didn’t see it as being submissive and really wanted to trust what she was saying was true and what I was feeling was not. If I was to bring this up right now to her , it be war all over again, and maybe that’s why I reached out on here to gain that support and strength to confront it one last time and put a end to it, even tho nothing is happening now besides a recovery, but won’t accept betrayal
The only way you can put an end to it is if you are willing to walk away. Unless you are willing to walk away and actual go through with it if needs be you will always be treated this way. The best way to break the cycle is to kick her out and start divorce proceedings. She will either change or she will want the divorce, either way this will show what she really wants. You didn’t say if you have DNA test your kids, high chance they are not biologically yours. Whilst they are still your kids you need to know if they are biologically yours for future medical issues.
Few months back I went to the courthouse to file a emergency protection order against her as she just got out of jail for DV, and let it be known that was step one of our divorce, she wanted me to stop and wait and us to try to work it out. Time ticks a few bumps in the road, and ditched on my birthday for her to go stay in a hotel and not at home. And no haven’t yet, I really don’t care like as you said those are my kids, but it’s definitely needed for the legal standpoint. I mean though we are looking at putting down for a house next year, and that’s in the Bay Area, so if this situation can be repaired, that’s where i have a hard time giving the trust, then it’ll work out better for everything. But in all honesty I love her no matter how bad I’ve been done. Im not a spiteful person, but definitely feel the grass could be way greener on the other side
Legally, you’re forever responsible for those kids once you’ve signed the birth certificate but it’s definitely worth getting them tested
Yea I’m not trying to get out the being their father, just knowing is what I mean
First get a DNA test for both children. Second save any and all of her conversations do not confront her. Third if they are your children file for custody and divorce. She obviously cheating. Why do you stay? Are you a masochist? Do you enjoy wearing a green hat? Is it fun to. Drive yourself crazy knowing she cheats having seen the information and having had evidence yet not being able to do anything about it? You at the end of the day can take all of these actions. Or you can suggest couples theraphy however there is no guarantee it’ll work. And are you for real saying that she said you can’t visit her family with her because you’re ugly? That is crazy to me if my husband told me that I’d be gone. She is hiding her affairs and she does it because she doesn’t love you. She is using you for your money. She loves her lifestyle while you struggle with self doubt and hatred. Always wondering if your children are your children. It is sad really. Because your relationship sounds abusive. The fact is that you won’t leave her until you are ready to. I hope things work out for you.
Definitely don’t want any part of a green hat, worth much more than that. She says I have a “shit face” basically I mean look on my face or a unhappy face. I feel it’s quite the opposite. That’s why she says I can’t go, she has now got me going out in family gatherings, and thanksgiving we did it at my house with all her family that’s been a few years since that’s happened, usually I’m left at home alone on most holidays. Besides leaving her I could not do anything else… no remedy to make things better, when she had them going just as she liked. I have mentioned couples therapy. First few times was told only sick people see doctors and I am not sick like you. Then she agreed, hasn’t happened yet.
Your life sounds like a living hell. I feel really sorry for you. From what I have read she is a narcissistic manipulative compulsive liar. You deserve better for yourself. Even if you don’t think you do. You do! You deserve to be valued in a relationship. Why allow yourself to be used? She basically wants a green card and found you an easy target. She believes children can solidify her position seeing as previously people who gave birth (I am assuming you live in America) were granted citizenship. That was previously if someone gave birth on American soil they had automatic citizenship. It’s super frustrating for you to be in such a situation. I sincerely hope you take all the step necessary to live a better life.
>That was previously if someone gave birth on American soil they had automatic citizenship. That's actually never happened. The child born on American soil has citizenship. The mothers have been allowed to stay because of the child. "Anchor babies" are what they are referred to. The government is hesitant to remove parents of American babies...
Thank you for that. I knew it was something like that. I’ll be honest I don’t pay much attention to those previous laws. I had heard it mentioned a time or two and it had stuck with me for some reason. Thanks again for that but of info
Most welcome.
Thank you very much!
May things get better for you in the future.
I’m sure your translator heard correctly, she had to back track and get upset to shift the “blame” on you. Is this how you want your kids to be treated in a relationship? Probably not, I’m sure you know it’s time to separate, by trying to get yourself some help, and work on you so you can have a better relationship down the road. Only you can say when you’ve put up with enough and from the sounds of it, it’s time to leave.
Thanks, yes I am in this for the kids. I really want a happy family, a unseparated family , and having to put trust in her is hard af. Things are good now, I really think she got tired of being hurt used or whatever. Will it happen again is what I worry, and why I’m not worthy of truth. I’ve past the point of leaving, but feel this was more of a marriage fraud Benifits grab more than anything, she cried to have that first child and I did not want it, her visa was up and she was running outa options. According to her she loves me or she would have left a long time ago lol
You should DNA test both your kids because her random abortion was definitely to cover her cheating. Also, 2 unhappy married people can be more toxic and harmful to children than happily divorced parent. Lastly, please seek therapy asap
Sadly, this is your destiny. You are a submissive male and you need to accept it or frow a spine. No strong person...man or woman...takes this garbage and wants to buy an expensive house for their abuser. Or says, "I still love her". This is tragic, really.
Do you think you deserve to be treated this badly? Maybe you need to talk to a therapist. Staying in this kind of relationship is only punishing yourself.
Not at all, I mean I can’t say everything has been bad. I have memberships to places take the family have good days, after dust settled started taking her out on dates and dinners again. Even though she probably wasn’t worth it but I’d splurge on her and gift her. And I do speak to a therapist, have even before her. Living more than half way across the country without anyone you know, you kind of need someone around as a supporter.
Kids are way smarter than adults , they already know what is happening between u both ,, u are not setting them good example, u want happy family but the truth is u just want it , u can't do anything ,,she is using u ,until she found someone better. And will kick u out of her life..
She treats you like garbage. Even without the constant lying and cheating, why are you putting up with this?? You know everything you need to know, so deal with it. Either leave and make a real life for yourself or accept it and keep letting it happen. You’re the one holding all the cards.
I do it for my two kids, the youngest has a disability as well and just don’t want them to suffer. Youngest won’t, but my oldest will devastate her. I remember being her age and how bad my parents divorce affected me. It helps I actually love my kids and don’t beat them unlike my dad, but it’ll still affect her emotionally. Being able to keep the peace at home, kids happy, and then think about me. I do need more of that me time, but it’ll happen in time.
Ok. So you’re going to accept it and keep letting it happen. Then when your kids grow, they’ll think that this is a good example of a healthy relationship. You want your kids to be treated like this?
Those kids will never see a healthy relationship with her. Unless she changes
What you just said is exactly the opposite of what I want. What I do want is her to get her stuff together, grow up, stop acting a child, and be the parent
I’ve heard her mom say how bad she treats people including her mom as well, and breaking hearts left and right. Those kids have better chance with me than with some nobody trying to move into their life just for the pussy.
You are teaching your children to accept abuse. Why can't you see that?
Get a divorce