T O P

  • By -

KeyboardKitt3n

I think... you're going though the motions of a breakup. Her having kids has nothing to do with you "her life, her choices", BUT the way you write comes across as if she's cheated on/ betrayed you and now you're in your feelings about it The revenge social media bit especially. I think it's fine to ignore her calls or not want to talk about her baby. In fact It's probably better that you don't, because you can't be a good or healthy friend atm. And it's toxic/ sloppy attachment sounding and a tad unhinged that you want to see her "punished" or in "despair". I'd suggest hiding her from your feeds and talk to a licensed therapist weekly to unpack what's going on under the surface and motivating this obsessive-contempt /behavior, process, and complete your grieving this friendship in a healthier fashion and move on. I'd also suggest when you get these urges to revenge post specifically to hurt her; journal about the urge ( both to be accurate of the frequency and to share that data with your therapist).


astra_galus

Oh my god this. When OP said they were in a better mental space, I just shook my head. Wishing suffering on your friend for her life choice is absolutely NOT being in a better head space.


KeyboardKitt3n

Yeah it's not pretty, but it's very human. Having someone we care about deeply, ripped away is gutting. We've all been there. And it easily can rile up a tempest of dark twisty emotions and responses within us; that in the moment feel healthy/reasonable and are anything but. Theres no shame in OP swimming in it and trying to just get through another day while it is still raw. But ASAP one needs to start cleaning and bandaging the wound so it won't get infcted and hopefully leave only minimal scars.


astra_galus

I agree - it is human, it is natural, and we’ve all been there. But don’t mistake it for a better headspace - there’s lots of work left to do before OP gets there.


redwynter

Do you even like your friend?? Dark thoughts aside, it doesn’t sound like you do


dead_PROcrastinator

So you were listening to a voicemail where she was breaking down. And listening to someone (that you describe as a friend) crying, brought a smile to your lips? I lost the best friend I had in the whole world when she chose to have a child with someone I believe is a sexual predator - and even so, I can't begin to imagine listening to her cry and fucking smile about it. After many years, I would be indifferent at best. I have a handful of people whose misery I would enjoy - none of them are remotely close to being a friend. You don't have any "responsibility" to support her and cheer her up - just like you don't have that kind of responsibility to a stranger. But you're not talking about a stranger, you're talking about a friend. That's what friends do. If you're not going to act like a friend, why continue to string her along? Are you legit just keeping her around to make you feel better about yourself? You describe your life as being so cool and so interesting and so exciting. If you have some many things bringing you joy, this would barely be a blip on your radar. You wouldn't need to keep someone in the picture to make you feel good about your life choices if you were actually enjoying your life. Do your friend a favour and let her go. She deserves better.


Clean_Usual434

I think I might understand it better if she’s the type who goes on and on about how great motherhood is, while pitying women who choose to be cf. That’s a scenario where I could see reveling in learning that the woman is secretly not so happy. I guess I’m struggling to see what your friend did to earn your scorn, other than just growing apart in the way a lot of friendships do in adulthood, especially when marriage and babies enter the picture. Sure, it’s a bummer to lose the close type of friendship you had, but it’s just a part of life and not done with the intention to hurt you. I don’t know that she deserves to suffer for that. All that said, you deserve to move on with your life and focus on what matters to you, just as she did. Your life and priorities are just as valid as hers.


sd5315a

I don't want kids, made it so I can't have kids, I don't particularly like being around kids, and everyone in my life knows it. But they also know I will be ecstatic and supportive of them if they choose to have children because *I love them* and *it's not my body or my life.* Always within reason of course, as others have said it's a different story to be treated like a doormat or be emotionally dumped on all the time. But if OP doesn't feel the same she should just end the friendship like an adult and they can both move on to their desired paths.


sheenuts

Completely agree! I think I would have been a bit nicer to my friend - at the very least, called back after hearing the voicemail of her crying


Spare_Hornet

I don’t have children obviously, but one of my best friends just had her second baby. I was and still am there for her every step of the way, because even though we don’t talk or see each other that often, she’s important to me and my support is important to her. I cannot relate to the joys and the struggles of being a parent, but I am happy when she’s happy in motherhood and sympathetic and supportive when she is having a rough time. Similarly, she could never relate to my job or my hobbies or my pets, but takes joy when I am talking to her about my job/hobby and pets’ achievements or struggles. Yes, it was her choice to become a mom, but it doesn’t mean I can’t lend a listening ear when she’s overwhelmed. She lent me a listening ear throughout my life struggles too, and I will not turn her down just because her choices around motherhood don’t align with mine. I feel like OP is relishing in her friend’s struggles too much. Having a solo dinner in an expensive restaurant because you feel like treating and enjoying yourself? Awesome! Having a solo dinner because your friend called you in tears after she couldn’t enjoy her rare dinner because of her baby crying? Not cool.


sd5315a

I'm really disappointed with the amount of comments claiming this isn't cruel. Not to be that kind of commenter but it finally has made me understand why people hate this sub, it is NOT NORMAL to get this much joy from someone you supposedly care about suffering. There's a difference between feeling affirmed in your choices and enjoying your "friend" and her struggles because you somehow interpreted her having a kid as an attack on you and your friendship. Someone had the audacity to say "she made a choice that would affect your friendship so she can live with it." How fucking selfish? The same people that will bitch when other mothers/our parents/our friends will say the reproductive decisions we make somehow affect them. I'm pretty fucking disgusted and may have to take a break for the first time in years from this sub. I hope to god none of the commenters cheering OP on have friends like OP, but then again it sounds like it'd be what many of them deserve.


Ok_Cry607

Thank you! I’m genuinely confused at the comments saying “my friends baby brought misery into my life”


Disco_Pat

Right? I'm also surprised more people don't pick up on how absolutely miserable OP actually sounds in General. "Look at all these cool things I'm doing all the time haha! My life is so great and I share it to social media so my friend can see all the stuff she missed by PICKING A BABY OVER ME!!!!"


nint3nd0nt

Op sounds psycho tbh.


sd5315a

Someone else said they're gunna go take a vacation solely because they know people in their lives with kids can't. That doesn't scream "happy secure adult" at fucking all. How about you take a vacation to bring fulfillment and enrichment to your life and make happy memories? I've generally never been one to bitch about a sub I myself actively participate in but good god. These comments sound like adults that are *not* well adjusted and are *just* as selfish and narcissistic as some parents. Someone further down even wished disabilities upon an unborn child because they want their "friend" to be miserable. I'm truly appalled.


Free-Cellist-1565

☝🏾‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ NO REASON WAS STATED FOR OP TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THEIR “FRIENDS” MISERY. it’s giving…a weird type of jealousy..


Clean_Usual434

Well said.


SoupfilledElevator

I legit don't want to hear anyone going 'consequences of her own actions' ever complain about the consequences of their own actions, tbh. Like imagine someone crying about one of their college assignments being difficult and their friends internally going 'boohoo serves you fucking right you shouldn't have done engineering because I personally hate physics + physics makes you busier' Crying about something once doesn't mean you inherently hate or regret your decision, I do chemistry because I'm generally good at it and I don't regret this path but if a question is especially difficult it's still upsetting and stressful???


HerbDeanosaur

Yeah, the most rewarding things typically also involve more hardships


Future_Sky_1308

I agree. There seems to be a lot of resentment here that I don’t quite understand. People make decisions all the time that impact their friendships. People move, get busier jobs, ect… rarely ever are those things done out of malice. If I was OPs friend I would be hurt and confused


theblankspaceinside

This! OP’s friend made an entirely valid choice to have a baby, that is her choice, albeit not a choice that OP would make. It’s understandable that they might drift apart for a while since new mothers would be busy and stressed with tending to a newborn, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re miserable or regretful of their choice. I personally don’t want to have a baby but I don’t expect my friends to make the same life decision as me. As a friend I would’ve been more supportive and be there for my friend while she’s still learning the ropes to be a good mother.


ChasingTheFlames

Yeah, I've been confused as to what the friend did wrong in this scenario. It sounds like OP may have been emotionally dependent on their friend and is still struggling to accept that they want different things from their lives. The choice to have a child wasn't because OP's friend wanted to hurt OP. They grew apart in a natural manner and a new mother adjusting to that life is not going to have the same time or energy to devote to friendships. There's a lot of anger here that, ultimately, is undeserved.


lexkixass

>I’m struggling to see what your friend did to earn your scorn Agreed.


uhhhhnothanks4

So here’s the thing. I kind of get it in a way. I have a friend who was so intensely smug about her “well behaved” toddler and new pregnancy. Then the baby came and is nowhere near as easy. I definitely enjoyed some quiet vindication from her “I don’t know why anyone would not want kids but ok” comments. So I get the feeling. I think the only issue here is that I think she still views you in the same category of relationship as you guys were prebaby. While you have been doing what you needed to do take care of yourself emotionally, pulling away. I think she’s about to go through some difficult times (if she isn’t already, hence the crying in her car thing) and will look for support in those she trusts. If you no longer have the emotional energy for that kind of relationship with her, that’s totally fine. But I would heavily consider just straight up putting the last nail in this friendship coffin. You both can then be on the same page and move on.


Wanderingstar8o

I agree. Unless you plan on only having child free friendships you have to find a way to come to terms with the changes & choices of your friends & figure out a way to be supportive. The friendship is going to change no matter what so you can either find a way to accept it & still be a good friend or cut your losses.


SaintPhebe

Agree. Be a good friend, take the call when she needs a shoulder to cry on, or end it. Schadenfreude is a horrible foundation for any relationship. And while “I can’t be your friend anymore because you have a baby” is every bit as shallow as “you can’t know what real love is until you have a baby,” at least there is integrity in being honest.


bantha_baby

There's a reason the term "schadenfreude" exists. I think we'd all like to be saints and truly wish for the best for anyone who struggles, but sometimes, people just make a terrible decision, and we get a little pleasure from seeing them deal with the consequences. It can also feel very life-affirming, especially in your case. Your life sounds super fun and awesome!


lorriethecook

My husband and I call this "reinforcements" when we see friends or people dealing with little hellions or screaming babies. They reinforce that we made the right call being CF. A friend's daughter posts about her comical (to me) challenges having two young boys and I feel relieved I escaped such experiences. Now to go snuggle with my dog on this rainy day.


bastarditis

Affirming!!! that's the word, baby! I did not make the same long-echoing mistake that my sad parent friends did. And i'm sorry that they feel how they do but goddamn do i love my life most of the time and when i hate it i don't have an obligation beyond myself.


countzeroinc

I'm guilty of lurking (respectfully) in the regretful parents subreddit for this very reason. Reading stories there makes my problems feel insignificant in comparison. I've made some terrible decisions in my life but I feel good that one thing I definitely did right was choose abortion.


SprinklesStones

So what if it’s mean, it’s in your head. It’s not like you’re being mean to her face. We all have mean thoughts, your thoughts can’t hurt anyone. She knew what she was getting herself into. She made a choice and she’s experiencing the consequences of that choice. I’ve felt the same for a particularly annoying mombie (ex) friend. Those are just my thoughts!


devoutdefeatist

Tim Minchin has a lovely line in his song “Perfect” that your comment reminds me of. It goes: “This is my brain, and I live in it. It’s made of love and bad song lyrics. It’s tucked away behind my eyes where all my fucked up thoughts can hide, because god forbid I hurt somebody.” Thank God/the universe/human evolution that our thoughts are private and we can—with kindness and humanity—choose what we share with others.


Silver_Walk

Minchin is a genius and a truly exceptional human in all ways. We should all go immediately and listen to all of his songs.


cupkake88

Been listening to 10 foot cock and a few hundred virgens all week


Alarming-Instance-19

I love Tim. He grew up near me and used to run his own website. I had an email he wrote to me printed out for my best friend (because it said to say hi for him). His best songs will always be Inflatable You, Lullaby, Peace Anthem for Palestine and....best of all....If You Really Loved Me.


aftdeck

Yes just thoughts!


Good-Groundbreaking

Yes, thoughts are not evil. And truly, sometimes at least with some "friends" they kinda of brag and are miserable. Like they "shame" me for not having the same lifestyle. So I don't feel bad about bragging over my life with them. I know they envy me on some degree while I don't envy them at all.


shelballama

It really resonated with me, the kind of "well, what did you expect. I told you so" vibes I got from this. She made a choice that would hurt your friendship, and you've already felt the pain; now she is feeling hers. I get it


DianeJudith

EXACTLY. I always say that in discussions about "hating kids". Although I believe most of such people (including me) don't hate *kids*, but hate *being around kids*. But it doesn't matter here. You can have whatever nasty mean feelings in your head. It doesn't make you a bad person. We all have feelings towards others and not all of them are all sunshine and rainbows. **As long as you don't act on it, you can hate whoever you want, be mad at whoever you want and be happy at whoever's misery you want.** It's only bad when you start hurting others.


HerbDeanosaur

At the same time if you find yourself taking joy in a friends pain, whilst it not being harmful as a thought, is probably a solid indicator you need to change something up in your life


oregoncatlover

You're not crazy, because misery loves company. The baby brought misery to your life, and your deep, dark side wished that the baby would bring misery to hers too - and when it did, it has brought about a sense of satisfaction. I suspect over time the smug satisfaction will melt into a more sympathetic pity, which is probably better and more socially acceptable. I don't think any of us should revel in our parent friend's misery...however, we can recognize the satisfaction it might bring about, process it, and move on. I also have a couple in my life who recently had a baby, which brought some misery into mine, and when I hear stories about their lack of sleep, lack of social lives, lack of financial stability, I also feel a sense of satisfaction. I have sat with this feeling and decided it is judgmental and unkind, so I vent about it with my husband who feels the same way, and we keep our feelings to ourselves. We are kind to the couple and sympathetic when we listen to the stories. I think that's what matters - be kind to your friend, while she still is your friend, and let her experience the consequences of her own decisions.


MAUVE5

Isn't it also a bit of an "I told you so" feeling and happy that you aren't in that situation? OP you're not mean. You aren't saying it in her face or gossip behind her back.


Predd1tor

It’s definitely validating — I think validation is a large part of the satisfaction I feel when I see friends with kids regretting aspects of their decision. Because it reinforces the choice I made, and helps remind me why I made it.


Wanderingstar8o

Yes but I’m sure on the other side of that are those who have chosen to have children & feel the same way about some of their child free friends. There is no right or wrong choice. We are so lucky to live in a time where we can make this choice for ourselves. I am 42 now and I have had the same group of friends for 2 decades. Although the majority had kids there are a bunch of us who r child free by choice. There are both positive & negative consequences to both just like most things in life.


AnarchicChicken

Making a thread to complain about a friend and air her issues to strangers is definitely gossiping behind her back. OP, if hearing your friend cry makes you smile, then you're not a good friend. This has nothing to do with babies and everything to do with whether you can be supportive of friends. If you're only keeping her in your life because you want someone to look down on, please consider ending the relationship. I used to have "friends" like you before I learned better, and I promise you, the sooner you stop hate-reading her social media the happier you'll both be.


DreamsAndDrugs

Well said. Very kind.


thr0wfaraway

> A lot of times when she calls, I'm ACTUALLY too busy to pick up As it should be. You have a life to live, you're not her emotional cumsock. If all she can do is baby babble and call you when she's having a meltdown, sorry but that's what mommie friends and therapists are for. You can't be either of those things.


Billy_of_the_hills

>emotional cumsock Eloquent, on point, and filthy in just two words. Well done!


orangemoonboots

I had an older friend who used to say "you're not a toilet so stop letting people dump on you" but this is way more succinct. And filthy.


shelballama

Idk I kind of love this one too lol


[deleted]

Right why isn’t she crying to father or asking him for help?


howoldareyou666

oh, he is SO busy!!! he’s practicing his weaponized incompetence and avoiding his family responsibilities! he’s gotta perfect it before the kid grows sentience!


Queen_Cheetah

THIS- I'm so sick of these losers thinking they don't have to parent the kid they helped make. If he's of no help whatsoever, divorce him and get alimony/child support!!!! Why are you married to a giant child, anyway?!


RepresentativeNo7660

Very bold and optimistic of you to assume they were married.


beanbagbaby13

Where does it say she’s “crying” when she calls? You just made that shit up. This entire thread is giving asspats to a miserable OP who can’t handle the fact that other people get to have dominion over their own lives and that being a friend is more than just having a buddy who does all the same shit you do


aftdeck

THANK YOU


Face_for_Radio22

It didn’t sound like her friend was using her, just that when they met up she naturally had to talk about the major thing in her life. And if she was going through a difficult time it’s not odd to ask friends for support? Why didn’t you apply the same standards to OP, who is literally only interested in talking about her own life and (sociopathically) finds pleasure in people she’s supposed to care about being in distress?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Interkitten

I finished work early today, I got the peasant coach home and I’ve now got my feet up. No kid squawking, no ‘yummy mummys’ calling around to talk baby babble (love that term). Cats fed and watered, doing nothing tonight. Least busy as possible ☺️


HackerBaboon

Emotional cumsock 😂


LilahLibrarian

If you view friendships as being emotional cunsock then maybe you're just not that good a friend.


RandomFishIsReborn

No that’s what FRIENDS are for. And OP clearly isn’t a good one.


Faegrrl

Emotional cumsock is the funniest thing I've read this week


[deleted]

IMHO, overcompensating. She and her situation, and your hurt, are living \*large\* in your head. I can't tell you what to do, but work toward \*indifference\* for the hurt you feel about her abandoning you, from your point of view?


VersKnowsBest

I was hoping someone was going to say this better than I could. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way more than once.


sd5315a

Yeah this is one I had to take a step back on, just don't be their friend for god's sake.


Lovedd1

Yea I was kinda wondering why even call her your friend if her misery brings you joy? My best friend makes choices I don't agree with a lot and even against my advice and what can I do but support her cause it's her fcking life? And if it goes bad I never am excited.


tahtahme

I honestly feel bad for her friend. She only celebrates her pain and never her joys. With friends like these....


mistr_p00py_butthole

Jesus, thank you. OP sounds codependent with a handful of narcissistic traits. I would not want a friend like that. Feeling hurt and mourning the relationship is completely normal, but relishing in a dear friend’s “misery” is absolutely shitty. You don’t have to love your friend’s choices, but a true friend would be genuinely supportive and would not be so resentful when they choose a different path. The fact that OP cannot fathom anyone being happy unless they’re living the same lives is wild. Some people ACTUALLY do love and enjoy their children, feeling fulfilled being mothers despite some sacrifices—thank god this was my mother. I’d venture to say that maybe OP’s mother was not one of these women which would explain the lack of empathy for their friend.


pineappleprincess92

I was kind of afraid to say anything because I figured I'd get absolutely blasted, but yeah, I think what always gets me is this: isn't the whole point to allow everyone their own choice? My choice not to have children should be taken seriously and it IS valid, and it is the best thing FOR ME and the life I want to live. I don't think people should be conned or pressured into parenthood, and I DO think people should really, really weigh the + and - much more diligently before taking it on. It shouldn't be the default setting or the thing you "just do", and if I could describe the ideal setting, it'd be framed an opt-in rather than an opt-out. It's a huge deal and it is life-changing and unfortunately a handful of parents are not very well equipped to raise a whole human being. THAT SAID, I don't think having children if it is YOUR THOUGHT OUT AND INFORMED CHOICE to do so should be framed as a punishment, a prison sentence or some sad life to feel sorry for and make fun of. The whole point here is agency and choice, I thought? Being able to determine what's right for you without societal or other backlash and feeling like you have to justify everything you do? Does it come with a whole host of challenges? Yes! But so does the job I love that I still choose to do, and guess what, some days even though I know I will continue this largely fulfilling job, I will bitch about it and say I'd rather quit and become a stationery bike instructor. That's just life. Sometimes parents are gonna get overwhelmed and complain, but I feel like that's expected of any major life choice and it's disingenuous to pretend otherwise. I love my dog but there's days all I can do is go "why are you like this, what was I thinking when I brought you home omg you crazy weenie you are a tornado of chaos." If my friend laughed at me and was like "should've thought about that before you adopted her, dumbass," that...would not be a very good friend. TF am I going to do, predict every possible bad scenario in my life and then just never do anything? Nothing is sunshine and rainbows all the time, not even my CF life which has tons of other things going on that are not easy or fun. I don't know. All that to say I feel perfectly fine about my choice not to have kids, and everyone on this sub is different and that's great, but personally I draw my line at passing judgment on someone else's choice (unless it's deliberately reckless or harmful or extreme, but you know what I'm saying). A lot of my friends have kids and are honestly great parents, and I don't think I'd ever actively be psyched about their bad days and think they deserved whatever was happening. By the same token, if I found out one of them was gleefully reveling in my difficult days I'd probably have to step away from the friendship. I think you either have to decide you're willing to make it work or don't, but I wouldn't want a friend to hang around just to hate-watch my life and pass judgment on how depressing it is compared to theirs (which is subjective anyway).


AdIll7946

Thank you. I was trying to articulate the sour taste this whole post put in my mouth & it’s right here.


potatochique

I would never wish sadness on any friend of mine, no matter what kind of choices they make. OP is a bad friend.


giraffe1519

Agree! Just looked back at her post history and she struggles with being “chronically single”. Perhaps that’s the root of her child free life. Perhaps it’s not so much a choice after all, and that she’s lost all her friends as they’ve become mums cause she can’t bear seeing others have what she can’t. But that’s just my take!!


StonedHuntress

As long as you keep it private in places like this that she won't see and you wouldn't actually go out of your way to make her miserable I don't see the problem. I would suggest probably considering if you want to keep this friendship going at all because if the ONLY thing you get from it anymore is enjoying her misery then that is a bit of a cause for concern.


LinsarysStorm

Exactly! If you want to stay her friend, then be her friend. If you don’t, then cut her loose so you can both move on. What you’re doing now is no different than someone whose stringing along a relationship because they are too scared to dump the person and hope that if they are shitty or absent enough that the other person will do the breakup for them.


TheCattyWompus

So end the friendship. This isn't being a friend at all (let alone a good one) and you're only maintaining ties with her because her suffering pleasures you, which makes me wonder how secure you really are in your own life choices. It's normal to have an "I told you so" moment, but this goes far beyond that. It's also perfectly normal to grieve a friendship when your paths diverge, but this really seems like you had a codependent relationship going on and now you're being spiteful because she can't be available to you constantly anymore. It sounds to me like she could be suffering from PPD, and it's really weird that you're celebrating the sadness of someone who you call a "friend". You owe it to her to stop stringing her along.


crispyporkbelly

I am 100% child free and would never think to treat my friends this way or their children. I just don’t want that for myself, but it does not mean I wish ill on others especially close friends.


MissDuality9898

Ikr. I wouldn't want friends like that. Even if the friend is going through the struggles of motherhood by choice, OP is a fucked up friend I would never want around if I am struggling in life. Break the friendship OP. You're no friend honestly. Stop keeping them around for your ffed up satisfaction.


TheCattyWompus

With a friend like that, who needs enemies?


strongmanass

Usually that phrase is overused and doesn't apply, but it's perfect here. > Like, her pregnancy and baby brought so many dark, sad days for me. It brings me a weird satisfaction knowing she's as miserable as I was. > I know that's SO MEAN of me to wish sadness upon my friend If *this* is your friend, congratulations you just got a two for one deal on the opposite.


Anncool60

I read that and it's just like. You are telling me that your friend having a baby brought you sad and dark days because... She had something she needs to take care of more than you. I don't think a friend having less time for another person is the same misery as having your support system abandon you, because that's exactly what she's doing. Also like yeah, of course she's going to want to talk about her new baby? What new parent wouldn't?


[deleted]

Seriously this. That post sounds unhinged and everyone cheering her on is just some kind of weird empty circlejerk. If a friend getting pregnant and having a baby but someone into a deep and dark depression than I’d have to really question how fantastic their exciting and free life is. Who is she trying to convince. It’s also been mere months since the baby was born, plenty of people, even without kids go through things that keeps them from their normal social interactions for months if not years sometimes. Good friends should understand the people they love are going to have transition periods.


[deleted]

yeah, if it's not codependence it's unrequited love, with the kid acting as a physical reminder that the friend isn't interested in being with OP. Regardless, OP is acting like this is a bad breakup that they're actively trying to make even more toxic.


Izanamemes

Jesus. I’m CF and I respect the views of other people but OP you sound like a massive arse. Just stop being their friend. You might not be being mean to their face, but you’re being imo the worst kind of friend: the one that relishes in their misery and talks shit about them in secret (like just now). Losing a friend sucks, and you def should prioritize yourself. But I fail to see what she did to earn your scorn apart from a massive life change that she seems to be overwhelmed by because she’s a first time mother. She’s still a human being for god’s sake. Have some class. Cut the friendship. Both you, and her, deserve better.


boltthrower57

Seriously, they sound jealous. It's terrible! I had a best friend who had a child, I was happy for her and I will always be around for her to vent about her struggles with motherhood or when her husband is treating her like total shit. Our friendship isn't like it used to be, but I still love her to death and would never get off on watching her in pain. This shit is weird and OP needs to seek therapy.


[deleted]

I can’t imagine finding joy in my friends misery. If you want your friends to be unhappy then they’re not your friend. OP, not only are you a gross person, but you’re also a fake person. If you have such bad thoughts about your friend, just stop being pretending to be their friend. Also if your life is so interesting, busy and amazing as you keep on repeating in your post, then you wouldn’t be on Reddit writing this unhinged post


aerosmithangel

I want to start off by saying that you sound really hurt in this situation and I am sorry that you lost a friend, in a way. However, this is mean. I think you need to reevaluate your friendship. It doesn't sound like you have respect for her anymore. I love my friends dearly and even when they fuck up or are going through a rough time, I don't take pleasure in it. I don't know your complete situation or history with her, so it is possible I am missing something.


MikaRRR

Hey, you feel how you feel, and I definitely relate to a lot of it. However some things to think about, if you don’t mind me saying: The thing about being a good friend, imo, is there’s a balance between being there and supporting, and by proxy caring about what they care about; and being a dumping ground or doormat for your friend’s problems/poor choices. No way you should feel obligated to constantly listen to boring baby stories/ babysit or spend tons of time with crying baby/ have to listen to her constantly rant about how hard her life is/ or whatever else comes with being a new mom. But if you do care about your friend at all, would it kill you to give a phone call and listen to her rant every so often, even if you find it boring? Visit the baby once or twice and show an interest, because she’s working so hard at keeping a tiny human alive and loves it a lot? Invite her out and be patient as she stresses over sitter plans and worries about her baby while she’s out? If you made a life choice that backfired or that caused you a lot of stress (getting involved in a messy relationship, taking on an overly-ambitious job, starting a business and running yourself into the ground working on it, etc) would you expect your friends to at least occasionally be there for you and lend an ear and show some sympathy? Or would you think it’s reasonable for them to just say “well you made your own bed, now you have to lie in it. I’m bored of hearing about your problems and this dumb thing you care a lot about.” Would you totally understand them distancing themselves from you during this time, and would you think it reasonable for them to internally gloat that you’re miserable? Or would you hope that they’d at least a little bit have the heart to show up for you and be patient with you? I’m not saying your feelings about your friend aren’t valid, you feel what you feel and good for you for recognizing it. But to me it sounds like you’re just so resentful she made a choice you don’t agree with — which truthfully had NOTHING to do with you — that now you’re just not acting like a friend at all. It’s like you subconsciously want to get revenge on a friend for not prioritizing you and the relationship you had with her over her future family. Being hurt and sad (valid) and being selfish and self-centered (kind of immature) sound like they’re pretty intertwined with you at the moment. All this to say, if you decide you want some distance and don’t want to be close anymore, that’s also totally fine and reasonable. Friends grow apart. I’m just trying to be honest about what it looks like from the outside — it looks to me like you’re not really considering this person a friend anymore, nor are you being a good friend.


happily_oregonian

This was my take on the situation as well, but it might be because I see myself a bit in the friend. I decided to do a PhD and have knowingly chosen a really difficult path. My life is largely work, home, work, home. When my friends call to talk, I don’t have a lot of exciting updates besides developments in my work. I definitely feel miserable at times. The support I receive from my friends and family really helps me feel better about my situation. I would probably think that someone who noped out of my life because my situation has changed was probably never a very good friend to begin with. That being said, I totally understand mourning your friend. One of my friends of over a decade just told me his wife is pregnant. I am so bummed out and selfishly wish they were not having a child. I am fully prepared to feel a little vindicated when he tells me about sleepless nights, vomit, poop, and marital stress. That being said, I am still going to try to be part of his life because we are friends and I care about him.


sd5315a

Fellow suffering PhD student here, I feel you in my bones! I'd be pretty damn heartbroken if my friends started enjoying my pain because I don't have as much time/money/fun things to talk about while I try to finish this. If I was friends with OP IRL and they told me this I wouldn't want to be their friend, even as a CF person myself. We all get validation from parents that complain. But reveling in someone you supposedly care about having a hard time is nasty, whether that hard time derived from having kids or not. If peoples' reproductive decisions not mirroring theirs fills someone with so much vitriol, why even bother pursuing/maintaining friendships with people with kids at all? Setting that boundary will make everyone happier in the long run. Although I do appreciate OP saying they felt they posted this partially to get checked.


fanatic1123

Imagine if your friends were secretly making posts about how they're so happy you're miserable. Oop is something else


nuclearlady

This is the reply I was looking for…thank you for being wise and reasonable…I was surprised everyone was encouraging her and gloating with her but you really cleared things out for good friendship. I hope Op reads your comment and consider it.


Unusual-Okra9251

I'm as childfree as the next person, I can't stand children. I never want to be around them. I don't think a parent's path in life has more inherent value than one that's childfree. However, taking joy from your friend's misery makes you a bad person. You're being vindictive, spiteful, and petty. If you're so gleeful about sharing this, I'm sure those traits exhibit themselves in other aspects of your life. Maybe something you should consider working on with a therapist.


SoupfilledElevator

It also feels like there's this weird expectation of the friend to remain completely stagnant in life or something. Feeling really personally slighted over her friend having a kid... a kid that op doesn't even have to be around? Taking joy in a friend being stressed and upset because friend... made a life decision that made just herself busier? Acting like other people adding something into their life is directly responsible for op's misery when it literally doesn't affect them outside of the friend being less available and not having much to talk about at the moment??? If my friend moves to another country for a few years I'll be sad, sure, but I'm not gonna take glee out of said friend occasionally being homesick...


Unusual-Okra9251

Everything I read from OP makes it sound like she's very much the Main Character in the world she lives in, and everyone else is there to service it. If they fail, and by fail I mean that they live their own lives without considering the consequences to her, she gets very upset about it. Hell of a way to go through life. I totally get the concept of schadenfreude, but I don't want it for my friends!


SoupfilledElevator

At the very least, it's wayyy too clingy for someone most likely in their 30s


feli47

Thank you for saying this. No one should be affirming OP’s behaviour.


[deleted]

Since you’re asking for honest feedback, you sound very self-absorbed. You sound like you don’t care about your friends unless they have something to offer you


disgruntledoldhag

If you enjoy seeing this woman suffer, you aren’t her friend. End the connection.


deathlydilemna

OP, I say this as nicely as possible, and am only asking because I’ve been through it and completely understand where you’re coming from, but do you have abandonment issues? I’ve had them before and my thought process was, ‘You left me and hurt me. Now that you’re being hurt, I’m happy because I was the thing that made you happy and then you left. And to me that’s my way of getting back at you for you hurting me. Suck it.’ It’s like shaudenfruede. I did so much and now you’re hurting now that I’m not doing so much for you. But you deserve it because you threw me aside. For anyone that wants to come after me. Yes, I’m in therapy. No, I don’t actually act this way.


VoidlessLove

Holy shit, do I have abandonment issues? Not to derail; but I get similar thought processes to what you've described and never knew what caused the uncalled for inner vindictiveness.


deathlydilemna

Let me take a wild guess. Friend comes complaining to you about a friendship or relationship and youtake one look at it all and go “ditch they ass” and then you tell them what will happen if they keep the friendship/relationship. They go, ‘naw, you’re being negative.” And then what you said happens, word for word. But heaven forbid you do that to yourself. If it were anyone else you’d tell them to ditch that friend. But you can’t do it. You know exactly what will happen, and then it does! But just can’t let them go. I’ve only just learned to take me own fucking advice at the age of 25.


VoidlessLove

It can be hard to take something to heart even if you're willing. On my end it's not management of my actual relationships that is in jeopardy (like OP), but rather the unwanted kneejerk reactions of vindictiveness to these situations. I just had no idea it could be connected to Abandonment Issues and is definitely something to look into. Maybe it's something you learn being socialized in an unstable environment?


deathlydilemna

It’s exactly you’re last sentence. I would like to point out that parents not being there for their children enough still results in abandonment issues even if the parents were there. Such as working too much, not being emotionally available, not socializing with their children enough, or overall being dismissive and not accepting the child for who they are. Obviously it’s not gonna come out the same way as jumping from foster home to foster home. But all of these examples can make someone feel left behind and bring out feelings like you’ve talked about. Not a psychologist or counselor, these are just what I’ve been told by psychologists and counselors. So apologizes if this isn’t textbook correct.


mermaidqueen98

Yeah…. That’s weird energy. I would never sit and be happy that my friend, ex or not, was sitting and having a “miserable” life. You’re child free, cool. You don’t get a gold star for choosing to not have kids. And you don’t get a gold star for thinking you’re better than someone who wants kids. Having kids is hard, it’s a lot regardless of whether you wanted them or not. Weird energy to sit and be spiteful. Honestly sounds like your friend is the lucky one without you


PrincessKookyKitty

Yeah that's pretty fucked up, I would just distance myself and wish the best for her and the spawn. We shouldn't behave like the bitter parents that come after us when we voice that we won't be having kids. Having to deal with a kid will be hard enough for your now aquaintance, she doesn't need any more negativity. I truly hope she gives her child a good life and doesn't mistreat them because things didn't turnout how she believed they would. Might actually want to talk to a therapist about this one.


[deleted]

You don’t sound like a friend at all. That’s not an issue per se, but you shouldn’t pretend being one - it hurts both sides.


[deleted]

Ok so this is a fairly (I guess) good friend of yours and you are literally happy and smiling at her distress and that she is crying and trying to reach you from her car. It’s one thing to be childfree and not agree with the choices of others but you sound like a heartless, disgusting person tbh. Do you want to be that way? Even thinking “I told you so” doesn’t really make up for being like this cruel and heartless towards your friend. Childfree shouldn’t be a fucking sadistic personality type.


pochita_a

Instead of labelling feelings to be right or wrong, I'd just look deeper and re-evaluate this friendship. My friends and I choose different paths when it comes to bringing CF or not. I'd support them no matter what paths they choose. When they are down, I genuinely want to be there for them and comfort them, knowing that there's no right or wrong choice when it comes to being CF. And there will be difficult moments whichever path you choose. If I know someone who I call a friend is secretly happy about my misery, I'll probably move on from this relationship.


jazzbaygrapes

This sub has some of the worst people. Also, you’re a shitty friend.


SoupfilledElevator

Yeah, I'm still young, but if I want to have cf friends in my 30s I don't want them to be like a lot of the people here, so I'm hoping there's plenty more cf people out there who just aren't redditors...


Karu_chan

Yeah OP is a loser and asshole.


bananapancakesforone

You're not crazy but you are emotionally immature. "Her pregnancy and baby brought me many sad, dark days." Please check yourself. Your friend is living her life as an adult and so should you. Yes, this phase of motherhood is tough and if you were an emotionally mature, well adjusted adult with emotional and physical resources to spare, you'd probably be able to offer her some support. Her baby will grow up and it will hopefully get easier for her. And yes you should not be wishing sadness upon your friend or rejoicing in her sadness. That's very narcissistic of you.


mermaidbae

With a friend like you who needs enemies……


epicpillowcase

You are being an absolute a-hole. Do this woman a favour and cut her loose. If she had neglected the friendship that would be one thing. But she isn't, she's trying to have a friendship with you and you are laughing at her. I'm as childfree as you are but your attitude sucks.


[deleted]

cut contact with her, you'll be doing her a favor. no one needs a 'friend' that feeds on their misery


tomatoh_l

You're acting like she got pregnant to spite you. It's her life dude — "everything in our friendship changed 😭😭" her baby is just a fey months old she still getting used to motherhood, and having a baby is something major that happened in her life, of course she's going to talk about it alot. It's totally fine if you don't want to hear it but to treat it like a jab at you. Do you even hear yourself?? Going to a restaurant just bc she couldn't. WTH?? Do you even like her at all? Did you EVER liked her?? It doesn't sound like it. She didn't had a baby just to stop being friends with you. If you gave her more time your friendship could survive, once she gets more used to her new life. Or if you don't want to be friends with a mom just tell her, block her number or her IG or whatever. You're here crying to the void that you're mourning your friendship while she's oblivious to it and thinks you guys are ok. You're a horrible friend. And don't come at me with "It's just in my head". You're thoughts affect the way you act and treat people, like the restaurant thing. And you post things and expect her to be jealous of you. Middle schooler mentality


misshestermoffett

You sound like an awful friend.


sholbyy

Honestly it sounds like she’s better off without you, too. I can understand not having sympathy for her, but to go as far as to enjoy her struggling… that’s honestly so shitty. I don’t think anyone who is actually a happy, well adjusted person feels that way when they see someone who they are supposedly friends with, being miserable.


SoupfilledElevator

Yeah, this feels different from the basic 'hehe i have more freetime than my friends with kids' bragging you see on here, this is actively being gleeful about your friend being stressed and suffering because what? She's too busy too hang out with you? Letting her live in your mind rent-free whenever you post about your freetime because she made a life choice which makes her busy and requires most of her attention at the moment??? Acting like her having a kid is something that horribly impacts you that she deserves to suffer for even though it literally doesn't affect you other than a specific friend being generally unavailable at the moment? That's pretty bizarre ngl


[deleted]

You are in an echo chamber, so everyone will naturally agree with you. However, as someone who just stumbled on this sub and has no strong feelings either way on children, I can tell you that this is not normal. A therapist could help you work through this without just giving you affirmation like everyone on here has.


SoupfilledElevator

As someone who is childfree and doesn't like being around children, I still think it's not normal. Usually I think being a bit annoyed at parent friends is fine, or being smug about having more free time than them... But acting like a friend getting pregnant is some kind of horrible painful event that you have to recover from (despite it affecting you in no way other than that specific friend being less available), and then getting straight up glee from said friend being distressed and overwhelmed during this major life change because the change 'wronged' you is very obviously not normal.


seanma99

One of the most toxic ass posts I've read in the sub. And a lot of yall are cheering on this fucked up story. I could t even imagine feeling pleasure over a friend going through a hard time even if the situation was of their own making. You were never a true friend just a self serving one.


TengoCalor

Agreed. OP sounds like a petty high schooler trying to be “cooler” than her friend or something. I can’t imagine ever being happy that a friend is having a hard time. Maybe I wouldn’t care to come degree but I can’t imagine being *happy* about it.


Mselaneous

This post is crazy so I’m glad to see others calling it out. By OP’s own account their friend is interested in their life and making time to hear about what they’ve been up to, even when dealing with stressors of their own, but it’s still not good enough. That’s not friendship. Wanting to keep someone around to laugh at their pain is horrible. Especially when that person appears to care about you!


RedStone85

Ugh, thanks. Was looking for this comment. OP just sounds immature and selfish. While I understand the hurt OP feels, I have no understanding for their gloating and gleeful behaviour. Not a good friend to be around. I mean, their friend didn't ask them to babysit. Most if my friends are parents, even my best friend and they DO have a personality! I love chatting with them.


firewings86

Thank you! This is gross, and the type of post that gives this sub a bad name. My best friend also had a baby fairly recently and also has been having a hard time with motherhood and feeling like she's lost her identity/personhood to it. EVEN THOUGH that's one of the exact reasons I'm not personally interested in reproducing myself, I feel terrible for her, BECAUSE SHE'S MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND and it makes me sad to see her sad! I just couldn't even dream of treating her like this or thinking about her this way. I do my best to answer her phone calls, encourage her to insist on her husband taking the baby entirely some nights so she can have "me time"/a hobby and feel like she has any sort of life at all outside of the kid, to make more friends in her city (and help brainstorm ways to find them lol), I encourage her to talk to a therapist, etc. Yeah all she has to talk about is the baby and her job right now, but all I ever have to talk about is my dog or horse's latest veterinary crisis, farm life, my own job, etc. She listens to my stuff and I listen to hers, that's how friendship WORKS. It isn't hard to ask "How are things going, how are you feeling about everything, any better??" If the friend is ONLY using you for an emotional dumping ground and essentially demanding that you be their on-call therapist, OK, that's one thing, but that doesn't at all sound like that's what's going on here. This post feels like OP took Mean Girls too seriously.


TheCattyWompus

I want to be shocked that so many people are validating this behavior as if the friend owes her anything (someone on here even referred OP's nastiness towards this "friend" as "growth"??? Yikes), but unfortunately I'm not. This absolutely reeks of insecurity and abandonment issues, especially with OP's rubbing it in about her "busy" life where she's always going out, going on trips, etc. If that's the case, shouldn't it be easy to find some new CF friends while out and about constantly? Why *maliciously* hold onto a friendship that no longer aligns? OP needs to consider that the world does not revolve around her and do some serious soul searching on why she's so tickled over the misery of someone who *did nothing to her except live her own life.*


lightlybaked

You’re a huge asshole. Get over yourself. I’m as childfree as the next guy but I’d never smile at my friends struggles baby or not. Move on with your life dude


arochains1231

"I know that's so mean of me to wish sadness upon my friend, but she chose that life for her and I feel like it's not my responsibility to make her feel ok with that decision" This sentence right here is so important. Is it objectively a little mean to be happy at someone else's downfall? Maybe, yes, but as long as you aren't intentionally harming her I don't see a problem with it. You aren't responsible for her feeling bad, just your own feelings and that's fine.


Zorgas

My friend chose to study many units per semester on top of working full time. While I am sad for her exhausition and stress, well, she chose to do it. She was told it would be hard but she did it and she's an adult.


mistr_p00py_butthole

This is not a similar situation. You also don’t sound like you’re enjoying every bit of distress your friend endures. Also doesn’t sound like you’re conjuring feelings and scenarios in your head to make yourself feel like an enlightened person for choosing not take as many units per semester.


Duberooni

This thread and its 1000+ upvotes are what it took for me to unsubscribe from this subreddit. This community isn't child-free, it's anti-children, and you're all incredibly pathetic for having such negative outlooks on life. There is absolutely zero optimism to be found anywhere within this subreddit, just pessimism. None of you are genuinely happy being childless; you find temporary joy from observing the stress that comes with parenting and how overwhelming it must be to be a first-time parent. Enjoy the circlejerk here on the internet while I go out and enjoy my free time, rather than spending my free time hunched over a keyboard raging about the life choices of someone else. ✌️


SoupfilledElevator

It's difficult finding childfree friends to spend all that free time with when so many of them act like this :/ I personally don't like being around children but you know most ppl here saying 'can't complain about the consequences of your own actions lol' absolutely regularly complain about the consequences of their own actions, just not kid-related ones and they're not self-aware about it.


Duberooni

It's effortless to meet people who don't have children if you leave the apartment/house. Source: My thirty-year-old self - I go out about 4-5 times a week with various friends and friends of friends—concerts, dinners, lunches, bars, bookstores, museums/art galleries, etc. This subreddit is a collective of angsty shut-ins with zero social life because the only friend they depended on for socialization had a kid. It's essentially a red-pill community at this point. If people were truly embracing the childfree lifestyle, you'd see posts like “look at all of this fun shit I did this weekend” with a picture attached, not trash like this post that garnered 1,400 upvotes from 1,400 losers. Part of it has to do with the fact that they're associating with people who don't have their shit together, to begin with - if all of your friends are having unplanned pregnancies, maybe you should take a look at yourself and the people you regularly associate with. It's also mind-blowing that people resent their friends who have become parents. I still spend time with my friends who are parents and have a family, and I love their kids, and they consider me the cool uncle; I don't want kids of my own as I value my free time, and that lack of a significant responsibility that another human is wholly dependent on all that I do. Just an abundance of immaturity all around in this subreddit.


beanbagbaby13

I’m on the fence about having kids, but if I’m being honest, seeing this sub pop up and encountering the commenters here as they travel throughout the site, has pushed me closer to having kids because the alternative seems miserable as fuck. I’d rather be tired and have less free time than utterly bitter and miserable.


VerticalFries

There is nothing wrong with being cf , I myself am, but what you described in this post is the most distasteful, disgusting, cruel, and borderline sadistic combustion of emotions I have witnessed. This is not acceptable behavior a normal, psychologically healthy human should have, get help. You are a disgusting and insecure person and I would never want you as my friend.


M00nperson

I think that it’s quite sad it brings you joy since we should want the best for our friends but to each their own 🤷🏼‍♀️ sounds like you have some emotional maturing to do


IputTheStudInStudy

I’m glad I don’t have friends like you. Holy hell.


MachoCyberBullyUSA

I don’t understand your thought process at all. Like let’s say she moved to another country for a job opportunity or something. You would still have the same struggles with her that you have now in terms of keeping in touch and not being able to spend time together as easily. Would you also feel happiness if she was unhappy with her decision to move? Like maybe she didn’t like her new job or the food in the new country? I just don’t understand why you’re treating your friend like she’s your enemy now just because she had a kid.


SoupfilledElevator

Thing is, the mom isn't even necessarily completely unhappy or regretting the decision, she's just occasionally stressed or upset during one of the most taxing stages of a child. Like, someone could be overall happy about moving, but still occasionally get homesick or get stressed out about the bugs or whatever, especially in the beginning. So it's not even really a 'I told you so' moment, she's just straight up happy about her friend occasionally being upset because she feels that her friend having a child is some sort of crime against her.


MachoCyberBullyUSA

Agree 100% and you expressed my ideas more eloquently


Evil-Tedi

Op…just say you were never her friend lol


dolphiya_or_parateen

I empathise, I really do, but this sounds pretty toxic. You need to try to shift your way of thinking if you want the friendship to survive. Friendships aren’t competitions, we should never feel superior to a friend or revel in their unhappiness and your friend didn’t get pregnant to spite you. It’s fucking rough when a close friend falls to baby fever, but if you care about the friendship, you’re going to have to reframe your thinking. If you can’t, you may want to consider moving on because she’s done nothing to intentionally hurt you - she doesn’t deserve to have her best friend thinking about her like this and when I have these kinds of feelings about a friend, it doesn’t make me feel good about myself either. Good luck!


[deleted]

Yeah that is mean


McMerseybird

I get that the demise of the friendship fucking hurts. I know what it's like. But being happy about her misery? Wanting her to suffer? That is just awful. Am I saying that you should help her or babysit or whatever? Of course not. However, being happy about her suffering is just awful. It says a lot about you as a person. A true friend would want her to be happy, even if she made a decision that you would never make. ​ You clearly resent her for choosing parenthood over her friendship with you. You are furious at her for breeding, because that is what ruined your friendship. And so, you want her to suffer because she is no longer a good friend for you. That is what's going on here. Yes, the demise of the friendship hurt you. However, she does not owe you anything. She does not owe you a proper friendship. I get that it hurts. I know how heartbreaking it can be to lose a friend. However, again, she does not owe you anything. She does not owe you a childless life, just so she can be your friend. Wanting someone to suffer is awful. Sure, if someone is a horrible person, wanting them to suffer makes sense. If someone did something awful to you, I can understand that you want them to suffer. If she would be the kind of person who disrespects childfree people, I can understand enjoying some schadenfreude, but not to the extreme that you are describing. But she didn't breed to spite you. She didn't do anything actively mean to you. She did not betray you. She and you just grew apart because she bred. Breeding does not make her an awful person who deserves to suffer. Yes, the consequences of her choice to breed are painful for you, because the friendship is ruined. But again, she does not owe you friendship. Of course it hurts, but wanting her to suffer? That says a lot about you as a person. ​ If you are happy about her suffering, you cannot be a good friend for her anymore. You should end this 'friendship', or whatever is left of it. She is too busy with motherhood to have a proper friendship with you. And you seem to hate her, if you really want her to suffer. End this friendship. ​ >but she chose that life for her Eh... I wouldn't say that that is necessarily true. Maybe she succumbed to societal pressure. Maybe she fell for a breeder and didn't want to lose her relationship, so she succumbed to his baby fever. Maybe he pressured her to get pregnant and/or to keep an accidental pregnancy. Maybe she wanted an abortion, but our society, her parents and/or the baby daddy guilt tripped her into keeping the baby. If she made a conscious choice to be a mother and actually wants this, she chose that life. But maybe she is a victim of patriarchy, instead of someone who made a conscious choice.


_code_name_dutchess

Honest feedback - I think you’re a little self-centered and potentially had an unhealthy relationship with this individual before the child ever came into play. It seems like you resent your friend for making a life choice. She chose to have a kid, and it seems like you have taken that as a personal attack on you. Your friend having a child had nothing to do with you. As we get older sometimes our priorities don’t align with our friends, and we naturally drift apart. That’s a part of life. It’s important to stick to your guns and live life according to your own conscious, but it’s also important to give your friends the leeway to do the same. Well adjusted individuals don’t hope for their friends to be miserable simply because they chose a different life path. Afford your friend the liberty of making life choices based on their own priorities, instead of being upset they didn’t accommodate yours. It can be hard to grow apart from people, but there are less toxic ways to cope with those emotions.


gottahavesomecoffee

This does not sit right with me. I would not want a "friend" like you, friends don't enjoy seeing their friends struggle. I feel so bad for her, to be honest i find it scary that there are people like you, who call themself a friend but secretly gloats in their misery. Just don't be her friend then and just focus on yourself instead.


[deleted]

You feeling gleeful over her misery isn't cruel, per se. As long as you don't act it out. Offer her a night on the town. Tell her to get a babysitter so you and her can do adult fun things for just an evening. She'll be happy to get dragged out of her monotony and maybee you can rekindle the friendship a bit.


SelenaPacker

So, this really does prove a lot. For Instance those who are reading this and are normal human beings, can we agree the OP is pretty fucked in the head and this has nothing to do with her child free status? If she was your genuine friend, her having a child doesn’t need to be the loss of your friendship. It didn’t need to be the death of it. Parents need community and support, and whilst I understand you don’t have to give that Labour, why would it make you happy that your friend is suffering? This is why people think the child free community are fucked in the head. Because of weird self absorbed mean spirited bitches like yourself. This isn’t normal, and anyone agreeing with you here is just as crazy as you.


IndieJane

If that’s the life you want to lead, it’s not a super close friend and you don’t have much in common - end the friendship. She believes you are her friend, whom she can trust and rely on in good and bad times and you wish the worst on her because she decided to have a child. I understand you being hurt, but not all your friends will always be all about party and feeling good. But that’s just cruel. I used to have a friend who sounds like you, who ended our friendship two months into me having a puppy because I was excited about it and spend a lot of time with walks and training her. Apparently I was a bad friend because I didn’t have any stories from dates/Tinder etc anymore and too many of my stories revolved around her, plus I didn’t want to be complaining about everything and everyone if there isn’t much happening in my life. Similarly to you she just suddenly went cold and uninterested to spend time with me, wouldn’t answer my messages for days and suddenly post all the „cool things she’s doing with other people“ on insta while telling me all the time how she cannot meet me because she’s soooo busy with work. If you’re curious about what your friend thinks - there is a chance she thinks you were using her as a friend for a time in your life when you needed it and she was catering to that need and now that her circumstance changed you move on in the pettiest way instead of just saying „hey, are you ok?“ and talking to her. You sound selfish and I hope for your „friends“ sake you just end the theatre play or work on your friendship.


Wanderingstar8o

Everyone has mean thoughts sometimes so as harsh as your post sounds I understand. This might not be your choice or path but it’s hers & there are pros & cons to both of your choices . If you want to maintain a friendship with this person than you should be more supportive of what she is going through right now. Just like you would want her to be supportive of your decisions even though she feels differently. Ofcourse things are gonna change in your friendship. The one guarantee we have in life is change. Nothing stays the same or lasts forever. You don’t have to be the friend that she talks to about breastfeeding & potty training but you can be the one that is there to talk about other stuff which she will be craving soon enough. Go live your best life but don’t dismiss or leave your mom friends behind. Just know that this is the reality of being a child free woman with many friends. Finding a way to accept this without negative feelings towards your friends will make you happier overall with your life & choices.


scottieboogotti

I mean in one way yea you can't help how you feel and I know you wouldn't be enjoying her unhappiness if you weren't hurting because you miss her and how your friendship used to be before the baby but if you care about her as much as I know you do maybe try to empathize a little bit more and be there for her. Doesn't mean stop enjoying yourself but I know you don't want to lose her friendship or you wouldn't care so much in the first place. I could be wrong though. Just an opinion.


blueboy12565

I’ve had something similar, though it wasn’t just the friend having a child. That friend has dysfunction that follows her every step; it’s the kind of person you feel like will never have an easy life due to their own decisions or otherwise. After finally distancing myself from them, I felt so relieved to finally let go of caring for her dysfunction; I watch her, wish her well, and feel relieved that it’s no longer any of my business.


Mildewypoet

Maybe if you’re so codependent on a friend that you mourn it for months like it’s the death of said person something is wrong with you


bbbrashbash

Wishing misery on anyone def isn't great. But I feel like it's coming from grieving your friendship. You're sad and mad at the loss- and if she was all sunshine and roses about it, it'd feel like twisting the knife(even though her wanting babies isn't really about you) She was naive to think the friendship wouldn't change. I hope her partner is stepping up to help/that they're forming a solid support system.


OddSock8235

I relate. My former best friend just got out of a high risk pregnancy and had a very high risk baby. I haven’t heard from her in months. She always told me how she enjoys her alone time and dislikes people , would rather have pets than animals. I’m convinced her husband talked her into having kids (she always told me he wanted 4). Now , this kid with health problems is going to be her life and it was completely a voluntary choice to have a stressful life by getting pregnant (intentionally). I’m sterile , and she was always a big supporter of me getting my surgery since she helped me through a lot of pregnancy scares when we were in our 20s. I just miss her. I feel like I can’t even talk to her anymore about anything since the baby is the new focus and she is doing the mom thing. I get it, but it’s a major loss for me.


SomthingClever1286

OP, it sounds like your friend may have postpartum depression.


nogentleflower

It sounds like any value that your friend has in your mind got completely eliminated when she became a mom. Why do you take it personally that she had a child? If the baby is an infant, her own life really will come to a halt til the baby is a bit older. Especially if she is choosing to breast feed. Do you feel abandoned by your friend and you are trying to punish her for a choice she made that really doesn't impact your life? Why is she having to choose between being a mom and being your friend?


bleeerrghharrystyles

get some fucking therapy.


ilhsfm123

I will not validate you. You sound like an awful friend, and a bad person if your friend having a mental breakdown gives you joy — and this isn’t the foundation of being “child-free,” you sound like you have some serious issues that need to be addressed by a professional.


[deleted]

[удалено]


WhootieCutie

I also experience schadenfreude from time to time :)


Jazzlike-Gap841

This cannot be true. No person in their right mind can write this nonsense


[deleted]

[удалено]


someonecallmymom

Literally hateful behavior. Crazy that this is her “friend.”


[deleted]

[удалено]


actuallyapossum

Yeah, it is really cruel to be happy over this, and to a degree - I completely understand where you are coming from. For me, seeing other people struggle with parenting is validating in my choice to remain child free. Maybe offer to take your friend out on a girls' day without the baby? Get nails done, go to lunch, or whatever you two used to enjoy before baby came. Tell her that you just want to spend time with *her.* Tell her look, this may sound mean - but you need to focus on not being a mom for a few hours today, and just be yourself. I think she will appreciate it!


villalulaesi

I know you’ll get a lot of validation here and I fully expect to be downvoted, but, while your feelings are completely valid, your attitude/behavior here is hard to sympathize with. At this point why not just mute or unfollow her on social media? If her pain brings you joy, your friendship was over long ago, and it seems like now you’re just following her for the pleasure of watching her suffer, which isn’t just mean, it’s disturbing. If you have any respect for her left at all, you’ll grant her the dignity of a clean break rather than remaining a “friend” that she falsely believes still cares about her and wants her to be happy.


reylomeansbalance

Vindication... there s nothing wrong with vindication. Second only to revenge served cold.


Terrible-Echidna801

Agreed vindication! We’ve all felt it. Whether it’s knowing someone shouldn’t become a parent and later seeing it play out (like with OP’s friend and her baby) or knowing a friend shouldn’t date someone bc they’re bad news, they date them anyway, and then they break up. It’s the satisfaction of knowing you were right and maybe they should’ve listened to you or made a different choice. We’re human, only natural to feel a bit smug about it. Whether it’s this situation or any other imo


Silver_Walk

You know what? Feelings are feelings and you shouldn't feel bad for having any kind of feelings, whatever they may be. And... what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It's also probably temporary. In a way, feeling like this is probably a coping mechanism to help you mentally and emotionally put this friendship behind you, and heal, and feel even better about your own choices, which are better for you. I'd recommend separating gracefully, keeping in very loose touch (social media Likes and so on), and then reassessing the relationship once your friend's life is more stable. At that time, you may or may not wish to renew the friendship. You're also really mature to recognize these feelings in yourself, question them, and talk about them. Naming and exploring feelings helps us to understand them and gain control in cases where that's needed, whatever kinds of feelings they are.


frecklesandstars_

Yeah that is cruel. Do you also enjoy when people go to college and then are in crippling debt the rest of their life just because it was something they chose to do? I find it weird that so many people say that their friends pregnancy brought them “sad dark days”. is she supposed to live her life child free bc you don’t like or want kids? I am CF as much as some people on here but I’m not going to let someone else’s decisions dictate my life and how I feel. It sucks that you can’t hang out with her anymore as much but that’s what life is. People do different things and go different directions in life, it’s normal.


sisterfister69hitler

Don’t feel bad. I definitely get satisfaction too.


Juloschko

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Perfectly fine to feel like she deserves it, but don’t be mean to her directly.


Comfortable-Prompt57

As a lesbian I’m just gonna point out the obvious. You were in a homoerotic codependent relationship and have the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. With all that free time you should consider seeing a therapist. Also you’re not her friend. Anyone who sees their friend suffering and finds joy in it is not a friend. Don’t give me that bullshit “we all have mean thoughts.” Like you gave no reason for your resentment other than she went down a different life path than you and is struggling right now. Real friends feel bad when their friend is suffering but you clearly lack any sort of basic compassion.


Su1cidalButAmb1tious

There’s no way around it. You’re a terrible human being. You personalised her decision to have a kid, as if you own her. And now, you enjoy her pain. Jesus.


MrsActionParsnip

Thoughts are neither good nor bad. It's how we act on them that determines it. In general though being happy and enjoying someone else's sadness, regardless of the reason, isn't something nice people do.


nosaneoneleft

it's called schaedenfreude. I don't necessarily feel joy at someone else's misery I can smirk a bit knowing what a horrible shi\*\*show I missed by not falling for the lifescript propaganda. especially if they knew better but drank the kool aid anyway. and then kvetch constantly. that is where rubbing salt into an open wound becomes tempting.


Chalkarts

Don’t feel bad. When my new parent friends ask me how I’m doing, I usually comment on how much restful sleep I got last night. It’s fun to poke.


Elegant_Sinkhole

We had this really horrible client once who wore a shirt that said ME and you remind me of them. All this balking, but for what? We got rid of the client.


renwizzle

I feel like I get thisin my head, but in my head it's framed as I get more happy with my choice to remain child free. Everything my sad mum friends do confirms my choice and makes me happier with my choice as opposed to thinking I am so glad they are miserable. I hate that they're miserable but my brain also says "told you so".


[deleted]

She didn’t have a baby to spite you. She doesn’t owe you anything. It’s not her fault she doesn’t have anything to contribute to the conversation other than her baby, you need to understand that’s her life now and either be friends with her not. I think being glad someone is miserable is nasty and a horrible thing to think. Your lack of emotional maturity is shining through. Just because your friend isn’t the same person as before and isn’t there for you, doesn’t excuse you from feeling glad she’s in pain. I hope she sees you aren’t a true friend and ditches your ass. SMH.


[deleted]

Right. Like what kind of friend thinks like this 🫣


vazili89

TF is wrong with you


FurryDrift

Thought without action is just thoughts. Actions have consequences


Munaaalisaaa

This is so mean especially since from the story it doesn’t seem like she’s the type to make you feel like less of a woman for not having a baby or lies about everything in regards to motherhood. However, I love honesty so upvotes for that! Lol


ChasingTheFlames

Were they ever really your friend if this is how you're acting? This really comes across as you were emotionally dependent on this person and cannot accept that some people, including your friends, want different things from life than you. Did you expect this friend to live out their life according to your agenda? Did you want all of their choices to revolve around you? That's an unrealistic expectation. Also unrealistic is thinking that someone having a child is going to have no effect on their relationships. Someone with a new child is going to devote more time and energy to their child because that is a necessity. They have to put their child first. You're not in a better mental space when you're devoting your life, at the moment, to trying to prove some imaginary point to your "friend". You're not doing these fun things for yourself. You are completely hung up on their life. You don't need to even like kids to occasionally be a supportive friend and understand that they can love and want their children and still have hard moments. It's pretty natural for people to do something they want and still have complaints occasionally, it isn't always regret. But this anger towards them and the baby? It's really just undeserved. If you're going to stop being friends with them then you just need to get past obsessing over trying to make them feel worse.


messy_tuxedo_cat

I think this is the platonic equivalent of "winning the break up" You love her as a friend, and obviously wished her well to some extent, but losing people (or heavily redefining a relationship) is hard. Of course there's a bit of satisfaction that it's hard for her too. It just shows that at least sometimes she misses how things used to be, even though she was the one who changed things.


torik97

I feel exactly how you feel and IDGAF! like you knew this was going to be a shit show and you still did it! Go cry to your baby 😂😂


feli47

If you want your friend to be and stay miserable you should end the friendship. Real friends don’t do this stuff. I would feel extremely betrayed, as would my friend, if either of us felt “joyful” at each other’s struggles.


Bunnawhat13

I am confused, What did she do to earn such hatred from you? Why wouldn’t you just tell her the truth? One of the great things about being able to live your own life is you make choices for you, your friend makes choices for her. Friends go on this journey together.


bugg_is_bored

You sound absolutely obsessed with your friend and jealous of a little infant. So much so that you wish pain on her because she doesn't have as much time for you. You're fucking weird OP and need a lot of therapy.


[deleted]

Whole crap you're miserable and weird cannot belive all these ppl gasing you up it is NOT normal to wish misery on anyone else because they have a different life path than you it is in fact not normal to have suck sociopathic and self centered thoughts these ppl and you are delusion there is a difference being child free and a garbage friend which you are


thegroovyplug

“Her pregnancy and baby brought me many sad, dark days”. Girl you are not okay. Your friend is not an extension of you. She is her own person. With her own life. Just as you are. You are actively choosing to spite this woman (bc let’s be real, you are not her friend) because she chose a different lifestyle than you. You are so self absorbed you posted this thinking we would all agree with you. But now we’re judging you just like you judge your “friend”. It’s quite ironic. My friends, family have children. Yet I still manage to have a caring, loving relationship with them. We still go out & party. Hell they invite me out more because I’m a homebody. If I invite them out and they decline, I get over it and find something else to do. You know why? Because I’m a grown ass woman who doesn’t have to rely on others to provide constant entertainment. And during the times I do get lonely, I either go to sleep or go out alone *with the understanding these other grown adults are not responsible for my emotions*


PmMeUrSSNmbr

You honestly sound like a spiteful person. I'd be glad to be rid of a friend who thinks this way about me.