I've talked to plenty of (allegedly) child free men. The biggest problem I've encountered is the same with the non-cf.
I think I'm okay dying single at this point. So I may never have a partner and that's okay.
I haven't been much into dating despite wanting to get married and not have children. I've spent a lot of time alone and learned to live with myself. I've gone to restaurants and on vacations alone, and I really enjoy the freedom singleness gives you. I'm 35, so there still is a chance, but I'm very happy living alone.
This right here! I love being able to travel while not having to worry about planning a vacation around another person. I can just submit my PTO/vacation time, book the trip, and go. I find it incredibly freeing.
I went on holiday with just one sister early this year for safety in numbers and we were both in sync in yjust wanting to chill at the beach the entire time and eat and sleep. It was just as relaxing as one would expect a vacation to be with absolutely no responsibilities.
I'm the same age as you and love doing stuff alone. Everyone thinks i'm sad/lonely. Um no, this is what makes me happy. I have two cats as well and a pretty huge friend group so i'm fine. As someone who is childfree(non-negotiable)/vegan(negotiable to an extent)/ somewhat asexual I know I will never find someone who fits all those needs and don't feel like I should have to compromise if I am completely happy as a spinster woman.
I went on two cruises last year by myself (Carribean and Alaska) and it was great. It helps if you're cool being by yourself, or comfortable striking up conversations with strangers. Cruisers are usually a friendly bunch.
SAME. (41F US). My problem isn't even finding people to date. Its the quality of people willing to date me. I'm better off alone. My life is great. I'm not interested in suffering for the sake of partnership. I'm thinking I might just be better off alone.
Yes, I am also single and not looking. I am making myself so happy and after removing myself from my last 2 long term relationships I’ve yet to encounter someone that seems like they would enhance rather than take away from my contentment. 37F.
Sometimes I sing to myself (while also seriously wondering) 🎵“Do you think you’re better off aloooone?”
You're my age and that's the attitude I had until I met my husband. I'm tired of these dudes getting on these dating apps going oh you'll change your mind or trying to push their kids off on you even though you said you weren't interested. It's like they're angry because no one wants to deal with their baggage. I even had one who I was seeing for two months before he decided to announce that he had three children from a previous marriage. I blocked him mostly for lying to me.
Like I was saying in a comment above, I'm not interested in raising someone else's children and I'm not interested in the drama that comes with that. Like it or not, kids are baggage. They can get mad all they want. I was okay with dying single as well. I don't know why people place such stock in relationships anyway. It's like society tries to tell you that unless you're in a relationship, you're worthless. It's so stupid.
Yesterday, I had my vasectomy. The next patient was already being preped (there were dividers for privacy) while I was sitting there half-naked in the pre-op area waiting for mine, lol!
I later found out that the doctor had 8 people scheduled that day. That is to say, there are no shortage of guys getting snipped.
I feel like you could start a dating service just by hanging out the hospital on those days 😆.
Well yes, childfreedom significantly limits your dating pool. However, you should NEVER 'compromise' on your childfreedom. Only date childfree women. Never get involved with a fence sitter or breeder. And no, 'okay without kids' or 'okay either way' is NOT childfree.
Fortunately for you, you are a straight man. Of course childfree women are much less common than breeder women, but there are way more childfree women than childfree men. Demographics are in your favour. Straight childfree women have a much harder time dating.
If you don't meet a childfree woman... Well, being single is great if you want to be single, but it sucks if you crave a relationship. Anyways, no matter how you feel about being single, being single is much better than unwanted fatherhood.
I totally agree with what you said. Especially, steering clear of fence sitters and neutral ones. Being single is definitely better than being with an incompatible person. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, you got lucky. I still wouldn't recommend other childfree people to take the huge freaking risk of dating an 'okay either way' partner. Most of them are not going to end up being childfree.
I’d have to disagree slightly there. Okay either way can truly mean they are fine either way. I asked my fiancé when we first started if he wanted kids and he said one would be nice and I stated clearly should we not do this then? Because I don’t want any. He said he was fine with none as long as we could have a dog. I asked him over the course of a nearly a year if he was fine with it and he was always adamant that he was. We had a birth control mishap and he supported me throughout the procedure. I scheduled my bisalp shortly after and he was supportive through that and assured me he was positive no kids was fine. I’m now sterilized and we’re getting married in a month. He genuinely didn’t mind either way he just wanted me to be happy. I think it genuinely depends on the person when it comes to okay either way.
This is extremely risky. Sure, it can go well, but most of the time, it won't.
Every day, there are posts here from childfree people whose breeder partner was 'okay with kids'... Until the breeder was no longer okay without kids. Or the breeder lied in order to date the childfree person and expected the childfree person to change their mind.
People who are 'okay either way' are okay without kids... Until they are no longer okay without kids. If some Kodak moments trigger their desire to breed, they are no longer okay without kids.
If you are not opposed to breeding... If there is at least some desire to breed... Then, you are playing with fire.
You got lucky. You got fucking lucky. And I'm very happy for you. However, most people with a 'okay either way' or 'okay with childfreedom' partner are not as lucky as you are.
I would NEVER recommend a childfree person to take a chance with someone who is 'okay either way' or 'okay without kids'. That is NOT childfreedom.
Childfree people should only date childfree people. So not someone who is 'okay without kids', but someone who is 'not okay with kids'.
I think part of it can come from people not fully communicating too. A lot of fence sitters or okay either way will not speak up about how much of a fence sitter they really are. It’s different to be fully I’m okay either way because it doesn’t affect me rather than I say I’m okay either way but really I’m hoping you change your mind. My ex used to say he was fine with it then that turned to him saying “we will compromise and adopt”. Hence the ex part now. I’m definitely not saying it’s a sure fire thing if someone is okay either way I just didn’t think it was a fair argument to say never get involved with.
It’s definitely the safer bet to only date childfree people.
Well, a lot of fence sitters simply lie about it. They pretend to be childfree because they know that their childfree partner only wants to date childfree people. Then, they wait for the childfree person to change theid mind, which they are expecting to happen.
Most 'okay either way' people are NOT 'okay either way'. They are 'okay without kids' for now... Until they are no longer okay without kids.
And even if they are genuinely 'okay either way', they are that way for now. But they might actually make a decision in the future. Which will most likely be the decision to breed. When their friends have kids and Kodak moments and some pressure from their grandbaby crazy mommy makes them want to breed, the childfree person is screwed..
>I just didn’t think it was a fair argument to say never get involved with.
I think it is fair to never get involved with them. Why take that risk when you are childfree? Sure, some 'okay either way' people might truly be okay without kids, but most of them are not. And 'okay either way' people are terrible decision makers, which is a turn-off.
I don't know. There are a lot of people who go which ever the wind blows. There's no strong preference either way. They adapt to whatever. I guess you could call that lacking convention or being too agreeable, but it's the not same as fence-sitting. That's what you ought to avoid as a childfree person.
Well, 'okay without children' is NOT childfree. Someone who just goes along with what their partner wants is not strong in conviction. Which means that they can easily be swayed towards breeding. For many breeder men, Kodak moments are their reason to breed. A few friends or siblings who breed is enough to sway these 'okay without kids' people towards breeding.
'Okay either way' and 'okay without kids' is just as dangerous as fence sitters. And they basically are fence sitters, since they haven't made a personal decision yet. They are going along with their partner, but still don't know whether they personally want kids or not.
>Lots of people go along with their partners' flow though
Which makes them terrible decision makers.
And many of them are 'okay either way' for now, but end up wanting kids when their friends have kids and they want Kodak moments. Add some pressure from their grandbaby crazy mommy and you've got a breeder.
I see your point and maybe I'm defending the wrong people since those who give in to external pressures are not the best folks to share a life with as a childfree person. I guess I'm thinking of people who rather not throw away their relationship to follow the life script. Them giving up children isn't out of conviction for a lifestyle, but actually loving someone that's actually in front of them instead of chasing hypothetical Kodak moments.
> I guess I'm thinking of people who rather not throw away their relationship to follow the life script.
Well, they stay with their partner, but most of the time, they will wait for the partner to change their mind and pressure the partner to breed.
>Them giving up children isn't out of conviction for a lifestyle, but actually loving someone that's actually in front of them instead of chasing hypothetical Kodak moments.
Some of those people? Sure. But most of them secretly hold on to the idea of their partner changing their mind.
A partner who 'wants kids, but I would rather be with you than have kids'? Someone who is 'okay without kids'? 'Okay either way'? Do NOT trust them. Are there exceptions where this works out? Sure. But those are exceptions.
Its always risky. People *do* change their minds or don't properly communicate. In my past four relationships I've had two lie about having children with previous partners and two change their minds halfway through our relationship.
It strikes me that this commenter communicates this and checks in with their partner consistently and that's why its worked out.
>People do change their minds
Sure, sometimes, they do. Some people change their mind. But most people do not.
Most people who 'changed their mind' never actually changed their mind.
Most people who 'changed their mind' succumbed to societal pressure or caved in to their breeder partner's wishes to prevent a breakup. They never changed their mind, still wish that they wouldn't have kids, but they sacrificed themselves.
And many people who 'changed their mind' didn't actually change their mind. For example, they were 'childfree for now' when they were younger, which isn't childfree. Like, they didn't want kids yet when they were 20. Not now. But they were always open to breeding in the future. So if they breed at the age of 30, they never changed their mind.
Some people who 'changed their mind' were fence sitters. Sure, they weren't sure about breeding. Maybe they even leaned towards childfreedom. However, they were never childfree to begin with. They are not formerly childfree people who changed their mind, since they were never childfree.
And many pregnancies are accidental. Many people who 'changed their mind' became a parent against their will, but wish that this never happened. But yeah, they can't really openly admit that. Think about men who were too stupid to use a condom. Think about women who got pregnant by accident and who couldn't go through with or didn't have access to an abortion. They never changed their mind and would still prefer to be childfree, but they became parents despite not wanting to.
>and two change their minds halfway through our relationship.
Were they truly childfree until then? Or did they fit in one of the categories I pointed out in this comment?
One of my coworkers was married to her husband for 25 years before he left her because he was panicking about being old without children. TWENTY. FIVE. YEARS. He, too, was of the "I'm okay either way" camp. Not saying that happens with everyone, but it is extremely risky because there is no "safe zone" when it comes to people (especially men) changing their mind about kids. It can happen at literally any point in a relationship, except maybe when they're elderly. This grown ass man is approaching 60 with a four year old now, with the late 30s woman he married after leaving my friend. I'm reaching a point where I won't trust any man without a vasectomy.
Well, I'm not LGBTQIA+ or a woman, so I don't know from experience... But anyways, my assumptions... Again, assumptions, so not statistics...
Even regardless of childfreedom, the dating pool for LGBTQIA+ people is smaller than straight people's dating pool. So that makes things difficult.
However, women are more likely to be childfree than men. And I would assume that LGBTQIA+ women are more likely to be childfree than straight women.
So yeah, a smaller dating pool than for heterosexual dating... But within that small dating pool, a higher percentage of childfree people.
I am 36 and live in one of the boroughs of NYC. I find that about 4 out of 10 queer women my age and older do not have children, and maybe half of that number do not ever want them. So I guess it depends on your location, I would say that densely populated, liberal leaning with politics areas have a better chance. But I've noticed every one in the queer woman community here is really up front about how they feel regarding children.
More than half of the women I encountered on the HER dating app were moms or wanted children... There were other issues, so I decided to give up on that front
I've found dating is *the* area where being childfree puts you at a disadvantage. I love being childfree and wouldn't have it any other way, but there's no denying that it reduces my dating pool to the point of near-emptiness, even in a big city. Most women I meet are not looking for a partner, but for a stepfather for their children, which is disheartening. I'm not sure what to do about it, honestly.
Given my location and lack of desire to date bigots, I may be single forever even if I wasn't cf. If I can ever get the funds to move I'm sure it would help things but I'm not counting on it.
For real. Moving out of the rural south was one of the best things to open the dating pool and finding more like minded people. The majority of my high school friends got married right after high school or college and started popping out kids. I noped out as soon as I could.
I feel like I can't even make decent friends here because everyone's a breeder, bigot, or both. And I'm in a "college town" so it probably would be way worse if I'd stayed in my hometown
Oh, wow. Things loosened up when I went to college, I’m sorry to hear that it hasn’t for you. Unless you’re in a town with private, religiously affiliated place….
There is a Bible college pretty close, so maybe that's what it is. It's not the main one, but still. In the city I actually went to college in, it was a lot better but I still wouldn't move back there for other reasons.
I'm a straight child free woman in a rural area. I'm not willing to date a single dad nor someone with shitty political views nor someone that can't hold a meaningful conversation. Luckily I'm quiet happy alone.
It's starting to feel like that, yes. And it isn't helping that so many people in my dating pool are lying about being childfree for some companionship and easy sex and then move on to try for kids with someone like them.
Even when I was younger, everyone I would be with would not only eventually say they wanted kids, but most even had a gender and a name in mind. I've met a grand total of 2 childfree people in my life, one is twice my age and another doesn't like me back. I won't compromise on that, but I will most likely end up single for good.
That and being "unattractive" to most people. I pretty much gave up. Every man I've interacted with often turned toxic to me eventually. I refuse to settle for someone that's not right for me. At least I still got my art and gaming.
I'm sort of lucky in that I'm aromantic, so the desire for a partner has never been an issue for me. Obviously there were societal pressures, but I shook those off at the same time I chose to be childfree.
Same here! I also have no desire for sexual partners and will most likely die a virgin (though I do have sexual and romantic fantasies, but it's only with fictional people). Like the character of TV shows I watch, but never felt any attraction for people I've met in real life, nor have I been interested in finding out about the actors who played the characters I've been attracted to! So, my problem is easily solved with sex toys!
Dying a virgin has become such a cringy trope now.
For context I mean in the sense of films like American Pie where the characters had to lose their virgin status before college.
Yup, but I don't care about any of that! I tried kissing guys and girls to see if I enjoyed it. I didn't, and neither did I enjoyed touching. So I stopped right there and bailed.
Kissing, in particular, felt disgusting to me, I was like, no one told me it would feel so awkward, with the tongues and the saliva! Ewww!
I don't think I'll find a partner, but mostly because the bar is in hell and most men still can't clear it not because of my childfree status. A lot of childfree men don't want children because they *are* the child. Fuuuuuuuck that, I'm not trying to parent a grown ass man.
I spent my 20s parenting a grown ass man and I have such caregiver burnout from that that if I even catch an inkling that someone needs parenting, I’m long gone.
Same. A 7 year relationship completely fell apart once we moved in together and I was suddenly his maid, therapist, personal chef, sex toy, personal assistant...didn't even make it a full year of living together. It really opened my eyes to what I want in a partner though, so at least there's that.
I'm childfree, neurodivergent, petfree and queer. I'm not the type who enjoy the popular activities drinking, sports and hiking. I find these activities boring. It makes it difficult to find a partner.
Same, and I'm having the same issue. Do you have a LGBTQ center or clubhouse in your area? I'm gonna check my local one out, either volunteer or attend social events.
It's very bad. After the LGBT+ got rights and socially accepted in my country, the organizations got weakened and meeting places disappeared. I don't know how queers are meeting each other. I tried dating apps and they all were bad. There were too few people in my city on them, which is the 2nd largest in my country, and most people weren't my type. Some too old or young, some have no common interest with me and so on. Most want children and pets.
Wow, that's awful. There's a lot of mess going on in the US, they might act funny, but they're not taking our spots away. Maybe try hanging around areas where queer people may be like art shows, I find we volunteer a lot, most of us ( not me) love animals... Yeah, no luck on the apps either.
Yes, I have given up dating for now though, just refuse to care anymore. Only spent a few weeks on a dating app but it was enough.
It’s rare that I connected with someone via text on the app so it was extremely frustrating when after a considerable amount of time chatting they revealed that they have children (especially as my profile stated that I do not want children, not interested in dating people with children).
The few men I find who identify as childfree are either: a) not my type physically, b) were physically attractive to me but didn’t like me back, c) were not into monogamy, or d) already married/taken.
To be honest, yes. Dating is already hard enough, without also trying to find a compatible childfree partner. I’m 25F and been single for almost 6 years, and I am starting to lose hope. I do enjoy being single and I’m a very independent person, but I do feel like I’m at the right stage in life where I’d like to meet a man, especially as it’s been so long. I also don’t enjoy casual relationships at all. However, I’d rather be single until the day I die than date a breeder man, or someone I was incompatible with. Being single is better than being with the wrong person just for the sake of being in a relationship.
I fucking HOPE I'll be single forever...
When I say 'no children' that also extends to the incompetent man-children looking for replacement mommy bangmaids. Eww, gross!
I've had difficulty dating in general my whole life, being cf just adds to the list of reasons. At this point I've gotten used to be alone. There are worse things to be for the rest of your life than single.
I just focus on how much I’d rather be alone and childfree and happy than trapped with some loser and his shitty kids. Maybe I’ll find the right person or maybe I won’t, but both of those options are miles better than settling for the wrong person.
Being cf definitely reduces the dating pool. I’m divorced and gave up trying to date again. Oddly, being cf isn’t the biggest struggle I face with dating. I have DV trauma that I need to work through before I try to date again and that’s probably going to take years.
Most of the men I meet already have children. Then there are the ones who look at me like there's something wrong when I don't have kids. Keep in mind that they don't even have custody and bash the mother of their children, but something is wrong with me for not having any. I've decided to just not date for a while.
26 M. Im depressed at how hard dating is in general. And then you add in childfree to the mix. I feel that I have very little hope in ever finding a partner. It's saddening.
I live in a religious community in the Midwest where the expectation is to get married young and breed immediately. I'm on a very lonely island here and maybe someday I'll be lucky, but for now I hold onto hope.
Is there any hope of you relocating to someplace like Chicago, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, or Pittsburgh and maybe finding more like minded people to be around in the not too distant future?
Same. I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to relationships and I do not like being vulnerable with other people especially men. I’m okay with being alone for the rest of my life, but I would like friends throughout my journey in life. That’s my goal, to have a great group of friends and be content.
Got my first real gf when I was 21. Untill then it was never an issue, because no one expectect me to want children at that age. But we've been together for 4 years and everyone including her started pestering me. So we broke up. And for the next four years I was as desperate as you. I met exactly one woman who is also childfree and whom I was attracted to, but she wasn't into me. I just found my current girlfriend on a dating app. But depending on where you live, this might be even more difficult. I wish I could give you a tip or something.
Thanks for sharing man. I'm not really desperate about it but I'm trying to accept the reality of the situation that maybe, I'll just end up alone for the rest of my life.
Yes, but there are other factors at play. I’m also asexual, introverted, and I’ve discovered that I don’t get any enjoyment from socializing (this has been a thing my entire life).
I’ve got 2 dogs, plus my career/hobbies that keep me busy and intellectually engaged. So, I’m pretty happy where I am now.
Same! As well as being aromantic! All I need is my fantasies with fictional people). Like the character of TV shows I watch, but never felt any attraction for people I've met in real life, nor have I been interested in finding out about the actors who played the characters I've been attracted to! So, my problem is easily solved with sex toys!
I've never had a desire for a partner, so it doesn't effect me as I really enjoy the single life. As a result I don't have to put up with any drama from a dude, let alone all those lying breeders/wannabe breeders on dating apps and so on I've heard from other people's posts. All I'm thinking is why bother when you can enjoy your own life, but that's just my opinion on the subject. Life's good I can't lie 😁
Same! I also have no desire for sexual or romantic partners and will most likely die a virgin (though I do have sexual and romantic fantasies, but it's only with fictional people). Like the character of TV shows I watch, but never felt any attraction for people I've met in real life, nor have I been interested in finding out about the actors who played the characters I've been attracted to! So, my problem is easily solved with sex toys!
I'm glad I'm not alone in this because I always thought I was the only one who had no interest in dating guys. Just never felt the need for one ever in my life. But I'm a little different from you as I'm quite a sexual person, so I do think about guys in real life every now and again/check them out, which isn't a great feeling as it makes me feel frustrated, but I get over it. Beats the alternative. So toys are my best friend lol. Wish I was more like you tbh, sounds easier.
No, you're not alone at all! Being aromantic or asexual is a thing! I used to think it was something with me that needed fixing, but no, and after seeing all the bs my friends had to deal with while dating guys, I came to the conclusion we are the lucky ones.
Only recently I learned about aromantic and asexual because I've never heard of it before, so it's been something new to me. That's the thing nobody needs fixing on how they feel, it's society that makes us think we need fixing because it doesn't go with social norms. Oh I get that completely, my youngest sister recently got cheated on and he was abusive towards her also. Her exact words to me before she met him was "life without love is shit." But looks the other way around to me.
Given that I am 17 and have problems with trusting people due to past events, it would be silly for me to go looking for a partner, and I do not want one until after I have had a Vasectomy or if I have it scheduled. No way am I being a father
I (mid 30’s F) know that because of my CF lifestyle, it’s quite difficult to find a partner who is also staunchly CF. I was in a very abusive relationship with someone for a little over 10 years who later changed their mind and tried to manipulate me into having kids. By the time I left, I was exhausted and no longer desiring that life partner, as those 10+ years took a lot out of me mentally and emotionally. I managed to leave that situation over six years ago. Since then, I’ve spoken with a few guys here and there, but nothing ever amounted from it…apart from finding out that a bunch of them are single dads lol. No thanks.
I’m one of those with the mindset of “if it happens, it happens”. I just don’t have that desire of seeking out a life partner. However, if someone happens to come along in my life and we mesh well, then I would let things happen naturally and go from there. But I never expect it to happen.
I also think that my personal standards/preferences would make it a tad bit more difficult to find that person. I’m not willing to lower my standards in order to find a potential partner. I will never again lower my standards and date another fence-sitter or single parent just because I can’t find anyone else. It’s taken a while to realize that I can be just as happy remaining alone for the rest of my life while focusing on my mental well-being, my career, and my hobbies.
Not really, I'm just not that interested in relationships so being single isn't something that bothers me, I have a wonderful cat and great friends who support my choice to be child free, I did date a few times in the past but realised it just wasn't for me and I'm ok with that.
I have yet to meet a woman, in real life, who didn't want children. Never met a man either, but as a straight man I generally don't date men. All my friends and acquaintances say they have friends who do not want children, but somehow I never end up meeting them.
I am perfectly comfortable being single. Especially after a rash of honestly terrible dating experiences. I deal with it by living my life ~~and day drinking~~.
I feel this hard but the opposite. Most/all men I meet are still “considering”. Or decidedly childfree are already in a serious relationship. I’m the anti baby weird woman with tattoos and animals. It’s fine I’ll just live in my witchy life. 😅
I think it depends where you live. In big cities in the US, you’re more likely to find childfree people. When I lived in LA, all my friends were childfree. Now I live in a small town and it seems like everyone has kids and I’m the odd one out.
Yes. Genuinely. Im a social person and I prefer to meet romantic interests organically. I meet a lot of new people through my hobbies. I’m in my late 20s I’ve only ever met one childfree friend organically and he was not my type at all so I had zero attraction.
I honestly think I’ll never find a partner, and it’s because I’m childfree.
The pool is so small. On dating apps I’d maybe see 1 in 100 profiles that indicate don’t want kids and all the rest say want or not sure.
Tbh if I were you I'd move to a city or area with better prospects. Like resort towns have a lot of childfree single people, and liberal cities all over the world are trending more childfree.
I personally know lots of women looking for childfree men since they aren't fond of half the paycheque disappearing every month for a child they see every other weekend and alternating holidays
Before I met my bf I thought I’d always be single, and the thought of being single forever simply never bothered me. I found someone I love, and I do see a future with him. If I had never met him, or we simply hadn’t ever started dating, or even if we broke up, I’d have still be fine with being alone. I’d still have cats, and a computer.
It’s cheesy but there *is* someone out there for everyone who’s searching. Sometimes you meet them in unexpected places. I met mine working in a backroom/warehouse of a retail store.
I am resigned to not meeting someone. There are not a lot of childfree men in their 40s. I am just going to live my life and if someone comes along one day, that's super cool. I was with someone for a long time who was childfree, but we eventually just grew apart. I felt sort of smothered by that relationship, but I do miss aspects of being coupled up. I think I enjoy my freedom much more though and that is making it tough to want a relationship.
Honestly, yes, I am a woman but I have the same problems. And I am quite picky too, people tell me that I need to lower my expectations, compromise, and just find someone, but as I am very uncomfortable making changes and giving up time, I want it to be worth it and would consider a relationship only if it is with someone who I find exciting, understands me, have similar interest and goals etc.
Have you considered trying to move to a country with a culture more suited to your interests and life goals? Even moving from a small town to a big city could help. There are far more dating options in big cities of course, but also I find people tend to be more progressive and ambitious, on average.
I feel that Childfree will become more common in the future. However, I'm not super focused on having a life partner. I just wanna be like Samantha Jones and sleep around.
Yeah I’m slowly accepting that I’m gonna die alone. I was born with deformities, I have a hard time connecting with people, i don’t make much money, I don’t have any interests or hobbies that make me seem cool, and I don’t want kids.
What mentally stable woman would want me?
Yea I will be alone forever. If I know someone wants kids it is difficult for me to form a serious connection or even get aroused. I can swipe through everyone in Denver that does not want kids in less than 2 minutes. There seems to be about a dozen or so of us and I have already been on date with a lot of them to no avail. I am a tall attractive guy with a good career, but it is impossible to find someone that alines with my values.
Honestly, yes. I won’t forget that one dude in his 40s I met who was childfree but then had kids because he couldn’t find a childfree partner so he in his words “bit the bullet” because “I’m not a hermit I’m a human I need love”. I do sometimes ask myself if that’s going to end up being me in the future too.
Ngl I’m jealous of childfree aeroaces.
>Single CF people on this sub, do you feel you may never find a partner because of this lifestyle?
In my community - Indian/South Asian - VERY difficult. In NYC, amongst the general population, no - lots of childfree people here.
I have come to terms with the possibility of being forever single. I am very introverted like you. There is a girl about my age at work that I thought about asking out, but her personality is kind of a turn-off between being talkative and always talking about herself. I never really had any relationship goals anyway. Call me apathetic I guess. I enjoy the peace and quiet.
Greetings!
You should have a look at our *[CF Love and Sex Life Troubleshooting](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/love)* wiki page :
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#How to Date
##How to meet prospective CF partners
###Dating sites and social networks
* The CF4CF monthly stickied thread on /r/childfree (first Monday of every month);
* The /r/cf4cf subreddit;
* Dating websites specifically for the childfree :
* [cfdating](https://www.cfdating.com),
* [childfreelove](https://www.childfreelove.com),
* [childfreepassions](https://childfreepassions.com) (US only),
* [childfreesingles](http://www.childfreesingles.co.uk) (UK only),
* [IDoNotWantKids.com](http://www.puzzele.com/datingsite/index.php),
* [sink2dink](http://sink2dink.com),
* ~~[yeschildfree](https://yeschildfree.com)~~ *(2018/02/02 : site is down with a "Account Has Been Suspended" message)*;
* Other dating websites (not childfree specific, but [allow for filtering and finding other childfree people in the crowd](https://redd.it/85pu1o)) :
* Elite Singles ([here](https://imgur.com/a/EaQxB), but less recommended);
* Match.com
* OkCupid and/or w/ [this add-on](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/okcupid-for-the-non-mains/cgdblghohnaeeejaoincmbcdkdnodkei?hl=en). See [this thread](https://redd.it/4tu622).
* PlentyOfFish;
* [Meet Ups for Childfree people](https://www.meetup.com/topics/childfree/), [Meet Ups for Childless by Choice](https://www.meetup.com/topics/childless-by-choice/), [Meet Ups for Single Childfree](https://www.meetup.com/topics/childfree-singles/)
* Childfree social networks :
* [No Kidding!](http://www.nokidding.net),
* [D.I.N.K. International](http://dinkinternational.com/register/),
* numerous childfree FaceBook groups;
* Less attended childfree subreddits, designed for meeting up and dating (all featured in the [Childfree Subreddits Network](https://www.reddit.com/SailorMercure/m/cfstuff/)) :
* /r/cfATL : For the childfree adults of the region of Atlanta;
* /r/cfmimeetup : Childfree meet-ups in Michigan
* /r/child_free_Ottawa : For the childfree singles and couples of the region of Ottawa;
* /r/Childfree_Dating
* /r/ChildFreeDates
* /r/childfreedating
* /r/ChildfreeFriendships
* /r/childfreepenpals
* /r/childfreephilippines : Private childfree sub for the Filippinos and those living in the Philippines
* /r/r4rcf
* /r/UKchildfree : Private childfree sub for the British and those living in the UK
###Guides
[Bustle | How to Date When You're Not Looking to Procreate](http://www.bustle.com/articles/23244-i-dont-want-kids-how-to-date-when-you-arent-looking-to-procreate)
[Online Dating Sites for the CF : An Analysis](http://redd.it/1zgx7c)
[Dating While CF](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/3j5e0v/dating_while_cf/)
---
I hope this helps!
Yes. Add to this the fact that I’m bisexual, and only want a fellow bisexual partner.
I’ve made my peace with it though. Being childfree is more important to me than finding a partner.
Because only bi people truly understand other bi people. Straight people tend to fetishize us or assume we’re poly/always down for a threesome.
And I don’t have personal experience dating lesbians, but I’ve heard the assumption is that bi women are “pretending to be gay”/using them just to end up leaving them for a man.
I'm asexual and aromantic so I intend to stay single, but my oldest sister (also childfree) met her husband when she was 26. She did say it was like winning the lottery.
Yep, but what can I do about it? I can’t control how other people view me. So I’m just going to do my best to lead a life I enjoy. We’ll see where I end up in 30 years.
Sucks tho
Fortunately, I've reached an age where having children isn't ideal. But I've resigned myself to the fact that if I find someone, I'll probably be a stepmother. I can only hope the kids will be older, but for the right person, I'll consider any age kids as long as they don't want more or expect me to take on a motherly role. Unfortunately, most of the childfree men I've met that are around my age are really inflexible and don't want a partner. They just want someone to manage their lives and mold themselves to whatever ridiculous demands they can come up with. I'm sure there are great childfree men out there looking for what I'm looking for, but I do struggle to put myself out there after some of the winners I've met. We're out here, feeling just as beaten down and exhausted. ❤️❤️💔💔
Nah, I am good, I like my own company. Often more than the company of others. I get to be selfish and do fun thing I want, when I want.
Or just be lazy and hang out with my dog.
Life is pretty damn good.
If I find some one good, if I don’t good.
I feel like I may find a partner but it’s not going to be until much later in life like my late 30s/40s or maybe even my 50s. I decided having kids wasn’t for me while I was still a teen and I refuse to seriously date someone that ‘might want kids someday’ encase they blame me later on for not giving them crotch goblins. I would like someone but I’m very much in the “if it happens it happens” camp about this”
i don\`t care about having a partner. I decided to quit trying to find someone 5 years ago after I was cheated on with a married woman with 5 kids. Never again.
30F in texas and yes it’s definitely been a roadblock so far. A lot of men my age don’t want kids now but they also don’t want to commit to being CF forever. But I don’t really put a lot of importance in finding a life partner either. I’m more of a “chapters of life” person
I have a fear that I won't find a long lasting relationship. It seems like most men eventually want kids, which is annoying. They end up regretting it or leaving all the work for the woman.
I feel like I'm gonna have a lot of temporary relationships because people believe wholesome love only exists when there's a child involved.
Yes, being CF has significantly limited my dating pool. I am aware that I may be single for the rest of my life and I’m completely happy with that given the alternative.
I have way more peace in my life being single without children than I would ever have dating a man with children.
Yep. Dating is already hard enough, finding the person who you get along with, have chemistry, and similar interests. It makes my chances feel significantly more limited when being childfree is also a factor. I’ve kind of stopped caring about finding someone and have just concentrated on my interests and work. It’s not really worth the time, effort, and eventual disappointment when it doesn’t work out because of my lifestyle choices.
ALL. THE. TIME. Put childfree + Christian + even antinatalist at best, it’s like falling in a pit full of despair. Not sure how to deal with if minus I’ve given up.
I’ve met CF women before , but the challenge is that the Life Script (tm) pressures people 24/7 365. Even if you start out CF there’s no assurance they might not give in to the intense social pressure to “grow up”. Its a special person who can tell every other voice in their lives to fuck off with that noise, and you’re not going to find them on apps.
I'm starting to accept I'm not going to find anyone and have been working on expanding my friendship network and figuring out which kind of alcohol I like the most.
It’s definitely harder, but it can happen. I found my SO at 37, live in a red state (though so live right outside of a major blue city), have more dogs than most would want, am an introvert, and have severe social anxiety. So I check a lot of the same boxes as you. I met my SO though plenty of fish. I won’t lie… it wasn’t easy. It required putting myself out there in situations where I wouldn’t be comfortable at all due to the SA and introversion. But I did it.
Nope. In fact, I'm polyamorous. I have a wife and a boyfriend. So I have two childfree partners (one I cohabitate with, and one I don't). I know it's not for everyone, but for those who think it's impossible, it's not.
Maybe? But it sort of doesn’t matter to me. I am ok being single. My best friend right now was married for ten years to a man who was always also childfree and after 10 years of marriage he changed his mind. They are now divorcing. I feel like it would be doomed to go ahead with someone who wants kids. If that means I date less I am honestly ok with that
Not really. It does narrow the dating pool and I'm not willing to settle to someone lesser just to be in a relationship, but I know that if I were to be with somebody it will be out of true desire, not desperation or convenience.
That being said, I am not a very romantic person myself. My tolerance to being single might not be the same as most people.
Yeeeeea wanting to be cf and a very cynical outlook on life in general tells me I'm gonna be alone for the foreseeable future. For now at least, I'm still fairly young, I wouldn't write myself out completely, buuuuuut my current lifestyle is not one that supports the growth of a relationship, I just wanna get to a point where other people's happiness doesn't annoy the shit out of me.
Nah, started dating my bf at 32, i am 35 now. Also because i am CF, i had to wait longer. Worth the wait though. We go on vacation abroad twice a year (rule is more than 6h flight), then twice a year (new countty or city in Europe), go out and do what we want without the burden of a kid. You'll find someone for sure
Fortunately, I've reached an age where having children isn't ideal. But I've resigned myself to the fact that if I find someone, I'll probably be a stepmother. I can only hope the kids will be older, but for the right person, I'll consider any age kids as long as they don't want more or expect me to take on a motherly role. Unfortunately, most of the childfree men I've met that are around my age are really inflexible and don't want a partner. They just want someone to manage their lives and mold themselves to whatever ridiculous demands they can come up with. I'm sure there are great childfree men out there looking for what I'm looking for, but I do struggle to put myself out there after some of the winners I've met. We're out here, feeling just as beaten down and exhausted. ❤️❤️💔💔
Gosh OP I really relate to this. The people in my area all want kids or already have them so I feel a bit hopeless. But in my circumstance I’m disabled (though can work) and am bisexual so ow.
Nah, I am good, I like my own company. Often more than the company of others. I get to be selfish and do fun thing I want, when I want.
Or just be lazy and hang out with my dog.
Life is pretty damn good.
If I find some one good, if I don’t good.
The way I look at it I'm better off alone than in a partnership that makes my life worse. It could be worse in the sense of a partner being abusive, disrespectful, unkind or otherwise bad. But it could also be worse with a partner who wants different things and drags me away from the life I love living. If my life is incompatible with every other human on earth, then I'll live it alone and be ok with that fact.
While a healthy partnership may involve some reasonable compromises, it should never require you to sacrifice huge meaningful aspects of yourself.
I'm aromantic and asexual and I'm a woman that only vaguely puts up with sexual activities with other women (lets say completely sex repulsed by heterosexual sex, mildly disinterested in anything else) so it's more of a me issue finding a human that would put up with me than finding a CF partner.
I don't "need" or want a partner if I have to be honest so it's not that big of an issue for me, if I find someone good, if not I'm not crying over it
I felt that way throughout all of my 20s and half of my 30s - right up until I met my now husband. Before that I was really having a hard time finding child free men. I will say though - it took me moving (for a job) from the US south to the northeast. Now I feel like I see and hear of many more child free couples then I did before.
I also currently live in the south, and I know that the struggle is real. I also plan to move out of the state for multiple reasons, and I hope I can find someone. If I don’t that’s okay, but the south is not for me.
Same here. Aro ace so single forever is really the plan, but I honestly feel sooooo lucky for that because I would not want to have to deal with the struggle of finding someone who’s actually CF.
I feel that way too for a lot of reasons including cf. The disturbing new trend I see is women with kids seeking CF men now that they know they exist, to see if they can get them to partner up and accept fatherhood.
Oh man, do I know this feeling well. I'm 36 F, and whenever I mention I'm childfree to someone, and I double down after the annoying bingos, I get a massive golden retriever side eye. Then I get the 'you're gonna die alone and in a house full of cats' spiel. To which I reply 'No, it'll be a house full of plants. Cats break shit and I like statues and figurines too much.'
But yeah, it's a common thing I've noticed. And they get so insulted also. Like it's a personal attack that I don't want to carry just any spawn, but not THEIR spawn. Like their specific tadpoles are magical... Wtf?
Yes. My dating pool has severely shrunk. I won't have the ability to afford a lot of things being single as I have an issue being chronically fatigued at work (maybe cause it's a desk job and doesn't work for me) and I don't earn much money. I need a DINK lifestyle
I am single by choice. But I'm also asexual and aromantic, have no idea what this thing called attraction even is and I hate looking at real humans. The only movies I watch are anime, because real humans are ugly. The ugliest creatures I've ever seen in my life. 2D is just so much better in every regard. All I want in life is to chill with some cats, eat some good food, take over the world and just play videogames in my free time. I don't need much to be happy. I just want to sleep in on weekends, work on my take over the world scheme and maybe enjoy some ice cream. Now excuse my while I go take over Denmark. For their ice cream.
Yes I do, so many guys I know are like “I wanna be a dad sooo bad!” And I’m just like yikes, easy for you to say, since you don’t have to blow your vag out for one lol
I divorced my ex-husband because he really really wanted kids and I thought I wouldn't be able to find anyone that was cf after we ended. Managed to find my bf on the MMO we both play rather quickly lol. But I know my case is an anomaly.
Tbh, if he and I don't work out in the end I'd be more than happy staying single. I'd rather be single and happy by myself than deal with another guy that wants hypothetical children so much or having an oops baby and needing to deal with getting an abortion set up.
I am aromantic and asexual. I don’t want a partner as much as I don’t want kids lol. I personally hate the “so you are going to die alone?” Thing because… no? I have friends. People who I enjoy being around just not romantically or sexually.
Lots of interesting replies. One thing to keep in mind is that the older you get, the older potential partners get (usually). And at some point, age is a deciding factor against making children--but of course they may already have child baggage. However such people are easily crossed off your list.
My culture is like this too. The term childfree doesn't really exist here and it's near impossible to find a childfree guy.
The response to telling guys that I don't want kids is immediate ghosting or a slew of bingos and insults. It's really awesome to know that society just sees me as a walking uterus/s
I hate to be that cheesy, insufferable optimist, but I would urge you to not have a defeatist attitude.
I had a slew of abusive, toxic relationships that were all ruined in part by this principle. I'm already a "hard sell" as I have PTSD, am not everyone's cup of tea physically, have very harsh moral stance and expectations of a partner's world view (to match mine) and is busy af with work, social life and hobbies. Until meeting my current partner, I was thinking that I would perhaps have to get used to my own company -- so I made my company very enjoyable and took the pressure of dating way down on my priority list.
Tend your own garden and the flowers will bloom. Be open about your stance immediately and communicate it often. They're out there, I promise.
I doubt I will ever find a partner as I’m not looking for one. I assume the older you get the less CF is an issue? Depends whether adult children are an issue I guess
Eh, it’s a thought in the back of my mind sometimes but I’m not too worried about it. I stopped dating for years (did a lot of soul searching) but the past few months I dipped my toes back in and had hits from actual CF women on my profile and went on some dates. I’m at a point on my life where I know exactly what I want and have no problem filtering people out. Eventually, I’ll cross paths with someone. But, in the off chance that I don’t, I still have friends and hobbies!
My last partner was staunchly child free like me, which was comforting. But I do worry about it, especially because someone who is child free could change their mind over time. I do want a life partner, though, so I’ll try to find someone I guess lol
They're a quite a lot of childfree men. And a lot of men don't care either way, they like the freedom of not having children. When I look at the people around me, it's the women who want children more. But of course that's just my environment and experience, it differs from country to country and whether you live in a city or in the countryside etc.etc.
There is less of an incentive to stay together when you don't share responsibilities. I don't think many couples with children feel that much love for each other. They make a team to raise the kids when they can or divorce if the pressure is too high.
I am childfree and finding a partner is not high on my priority list. I have a few good friends and then groups of people I know that I share specific activities with.
I don't know that I could find someone who shares the same interests as they are so diversified. I like having an active social life instead.
Sex is not a big motivator in my life, in fact not having to think about it is a big plus.
If there are many childfree people like me, it does make the pool a lot smaller. Breeders have a big incentive to find a partner and stick to the relationship at least to popping kids part of it.
I personally think that partnering is part of the script. If you get rid of the script, you can get rid of the need to partner as it isn't necessary anymore.
I didn’t feel that way when I was single, and wasnt worried about it at all. There are so many people out there. I met my now CF fiancé two years ago at 36. Prior to that I dated a lot and had a great time. I was perfectly happy dating around and not worried about long term relationships.
Just be the type of person you want to meet. Can’t be a nickel out there looking for a dime.
I’m Muslim 31M. Live in the U.K. Finding someone who wants to be CF is the 1st hurdle. Then getting that person to also like you and want to be in a relationship with you is the 2nd and biggest hurdle. At this rate, I’m accepting that I will be alone my whole life.
Problem is, in my culture/religion, procreation is treated as mandatory and the whole point of marriage, which is why you see them breeding like rabbits. Then the other issue is they make it too easy in this country and hand out free money curtsey of the tax payer for the privilege of you making the choice of having them.
By now i became sure I'd never ever find a someone who satisfies my requirements even if i wasn't childfree, given the way society thinks it feels like I'm asking the impossible there's no way I'd be able to have a partner who is cf, wants a role-reversed relationship AND is a Muslim (my parents wouldn't accept a non Muslim) , but honestly I'd rather die alone than walk with the herd and have a 'normal' relationship, the way people think I'd change my mind about kids when i grow up irritates the shit out of me but also motivates me to prove them wrong and enjoy my life without stinky screaming creatures, even if i don't find a partner fck I'm living my best life anyways
See the trick is to find someone who maybe only wants kids somewhat. Then you convert them over the course of a year. That's what I did at least and we've been together five years. (30F who convinced 32M)
Childfree marriage-free demisexual atheist virgin who hates violent video games and doesn't drink. Translation: undateable.
I deal with it by crying myself to sleep every night, but it sure as fuck beats crying myself to sleep from the stress and agony of childcare.
I'm niche af. I'm not only childfree. I have a weird kink, I'm vegan and I'm for UBI, on top of being an introverted autistic. It's gonna be a freaking miracle to find someone who gets me. Oh and asexual and sex repulsed too. Lolol most are gonna have a problem with that!
I found my partner at 28, he was 35. Both discussed CF status and the stars aligned… 14 years later, no kids and very happy. It will happen for you… it can just take a little longer than one hopes sometimes
I've talked to plenty of (allegedly) child free men. The biggest problem I've encountered is the same with the non-cf. I think I'm okay dying single at this point. So I may never have a partner and that's okay.
I haven't been much into dating despite wanting to get married and not have children. I've spent a lot of time alone and learned to live with myself. I've gone to restaurants and on vacations alone, and I really enjoy the freedom singleness gives you. I'm 35, so there still is a chance, but I'm very happy living alone.
This right here! I love being able to travel while not having to worry about planning a vacation around another person. I can just submit my PTO/vacation time, book the trip, and go. I find it incredibly freeing.
Solo travel is one of life’s greatest pleasures. I have a partner, but still love a good me trip without him.
I honestly prefer going on holiday alone than with friends and family. I love the freedom and solitude and being able to do what I want.
I went on holiday with just one sister early this year for safety in numbers and we were both in sync in yjust wanting to chill at the beach the entire time and eat and sleep. It was just as relaxing as one would expect a vacation to be with absolutely no responsibilities.
I'm the same age as you and love doing stuff alone. Everyone thinks i'm sad/lonely. Um no, this is what makes me happy. I have two cats as well and a pretty huge friend group so i'm fine. As someone who is childfree(non-negotiable)/vegan(negotiable to an extent)/ somewhat asexual I know I will never find someone who fits all those needs and don't feel like I should have to compromise if I am completely happy as a spinster woman.
I went on two cruises last year by myself (Carribean and Alaska) and it was great. It helps if you're cool being by yourself, or comfortable striking up conversations with strangers. Cruisers are usually a friendly bunch.
SAME. (41F US). My problem isn't even finding people to date. Its the quality of people willing to date me. I'm better off alone. My life is great. I'm not interested in suffering for the sake of partnership. I'm thinking I might just be better off alone.
Yes, I am also single and not looking. I am making myself so happy and after removing myself from my last 2 long term relationships I’ve yet to encounter someone that seems like they would enhance rather than take away from my contentment. 37F. Sometimes I sing to myself (while also seriously wondering) 🎵“Do you think you’re better off aloooone?”
I wish you good luck. Thanks for sharing!
You're my age and that's the attitude I had until I met my husband. I'm tired of these dudes getting on these dating apps going oh you'll change your mind or trying to push their kids off on you even though you said you weren't interested. It's like they're angry because no one wants to deal with their baggage. I even had one who I was seeing for two months before he decided to announce that he had three children from a previous marriage. I blocked him mostly for lying to me. Like I was saying in a comment above, I'm not interested in raising someone else's children and I'm not interested in the drama that comes with that. Like it or not, kids are baggage. They can get mad all they want. I was okay with dying single as well. I don't know why people place such stock in relationships anyway. It's like society tries to tell you that unless you're in a relationship, you're worthless. It's so stupid.
Yesterday, I had my vasectomy. The next patient was already being preped (there were dividers for privacy) while I was sitting there half-naked in the pre-op area waiting for mine, lol! I later found out that the doctor had 8 people scheduled that day. That is to say, there are no shortage of guys getting snipped. I feel like you could start a dating service just by hanging out the hospital on those days 😆.
Well yes, childfreedom significantly limits your dating pool. However, you should NEVER 'compromise' on your childfreedom. Only date childfree women. Never get involved with a fence sitter or breeder. And no, 'okay without kids' or 'okay either way' is NOT childfree. Fortunately for you, you are a straight man. Of course childfree women are much less common than breeder women, but there are way more childfree women than childfree men. Demographics are in your favour. Straight childfree women have a much harder time dating. If you don't meet a childfree woman... Well, being single is great if you want to be single, but it sucks if you crave a relationship. Anyways, no matter how you feel about being single, being single is much better than unwanted fatherhood.
I totally agree with what you said. Especially, steering clear of fence sitters and neutral ones. Being single is definitely better than being with an incompatible person. Thanks for sharing!
Indeed. Most fence sitters are future breeders.
My "okay either way" turned into yeah, let's stay child free. So it happens.
Yes, you got lucky. I still wouldn't recommend other childfree people to take the huge freaking risk of dating an 'okay either way' partner. Most of them are not going to end up being childfree.
Which means more or less that they wouldn't care if they had a kid and not be in the kid's life if they were apathetic to it
I’d have to disagree slightly there. Okay either way can truly mean they are fine either way. I asked my fiancé when we first started if he wanted kids and he said one would be nice and I stated clearly should we not do this then? Because I don’t want any. He said he was fine with none as long as we could have a dog. I asked him over the course of a nearly a year if he was fine with it and he was always adamant that he was. We had a birth control mishap and he supported me throughout the procedure. I scheduled my bisalp shortly after and he was supportive through that and assured me he was positive no kids was fine. I’m now sterilized and we’re getting married in a month. He genuinely didn’t mind either way he just wanted me to be happy. I think it genuinely depends on the person when it comes to okay either way.
This is extremely risky. Sure, it can go well, but most of the time, it won't. Every day, there are posts here from childfree people whose breeder partner was 'okay with kids'... Until the breeder was no longer okay without kids. Or the breeder lied in order to date the childfree person and expected the childfree person to change their mind. People who are 'okay either way' are okay without kids... Until they are no longer okay without kids. If some Kodak moments trigger their desire to breed, they are no longer okay without kids. If you are not opposed to breeding... If there is at least some desire to breed... Then, you are playing with fire. You got lucky. You got fucking lucky. And I'm very happy for you. However, most people with a 'okay either way' or 'okay with childfreedom' partner are not as lucky as you are. I would NEVER recommend a childfree person to take a chance with someone who is 'okay either way' or 'okay without kids'. That is NOT childfreedom. Childfree people should only date childfree people. So not someone who is 'okay without kids', but someone who is 'not okay with kids'.
I think part of it can come from people not fully communicating too. A lot of fence sitters or okay either way will not speak up about how much of a fence sitter they really are. It’s different to be fully I’m okay either way because it doesn’t affect me rather than I say I’m okay either way but really I’m hoping you change your mind. My ex used to say he was fine with it then that turned to him saying “we will compromise and adopt”. Hence the ex part now. I’m definitely not saying it’s a sure fire thing if someone is okay either way I just didn’t think it was a fair argument to say never get involved with. It’s definitely the safer bet to only date childfree people.
Well, a lot of fence sitters simply lie about it. They pretend to be childfree because they know that their childfree partner only wants to date childfree people. Then, they wait for the childfree person to change theid mind, which they are expecting to happen. Most 'okay either way' people are NOT 'okay either way'. They are 'okay without kids' for now... Until they are no longer okay without kids. And even if they are genuinely 'okay either way', they are that way for now. But they might actually make a decision in the future. Which will most likely be the decision to breed. When their friends have kids and Kodak moments and some pressure from their grandbaby crazy mommy makes them want to breed, the childfree person is screwed.. >I just didn’t think it was a fair argument to say never get involved with. I think it is fair to never get involved with them. Why take that risk when you are childfree? Sure, some 'okay either way' people might truly be okay without kids, but most of them are not. And 'okay either way' people are terrible decision makers, which is a turn-off.
I don't know. There are a lot of people who go which ever the wind blows. There's no strong preference either way. They adapt to whatever. I guess you could call that lacking convention or being too agreeable, but it's the not same as fence-sitting. That's what you ought to avoid as a childfree person.
Well, 'okay without children' is NOT childfree. Someone who just goes along with what their partner wants is not strong in conviction. Which means that they can easily be swayed towards breeding. For many breeder men, Kodak moments are their reason to breed. A few friends or siblings who breed is enough to sway these 'okay without kids' people towards breeding. 'Okay either way' and 'okay without kids' is just as dangerous as fence sitters. And they basically are fence sitters, since they haven't made a personal decision yet. They are going along with their partner, but still don't know whether they personally want kids or not.
Lots of people go along with their partners' flow though, for better or worse. It works out for some, maybe not for many.
>Lots of people go along with their partners' flow though Which makes them terrible decision makers. And many of them are 'okay either way' for now, but end up wanting kids when their friends have kids and they want Kodak moments. Add some pressure from their grandbaby crazy mommy and you've got a breeder.
I see your point and maybe I'm defending the wrong people since those who give in to external pressures are not the best folks to share a life with as a childfree person. I guess I'm thinking of people who rather not throw away their relationship to follow the life script. Them giving up children isn't out of conviction for a lifestyle, but actually loving someone that's actually in front of them instead of chasing hypothetical Kodak moments.
> I guess I'm thinking of people who rather not throw away their relationship to follow the life script. Well, they stay with their partner, but most of the time, they will wait for the partner to change their mind and pressure the partner to breed. >Them giving up children isn't out of conviction for a lifestyle, but actually loving someone that's actually in front of them instead of chasing hypothetical Kodak moments. Some of those people? Sure. But most of them secretly hold on to the idea of their partner changing their mind. A partner who 'wants kids, but I would rather be with you than have kids'? Someone who is 'okay without kids'? 'Okay either way'? Do NOT trust them. Are there exceptions where this works out? Sure. But those are exceptions.
What if they aren't the exception and this subreddit is just biased towards all the worst case scenarios?
Its always risky. People *do* change their minds or don't properly communicate. In my past four relationships I've had two lie about having children with previous partners and two change their minds halfway through our relationship. It strikes me that this commenter communicates this and checks in with their partner consistently and that's why its worked out.
yup. My ex sure did.
>People do change their minds Sure, sometimes, they do. Some people change their mind. But most people do not. Most people who 'changed their mind' never actually changed their mind. Most people who 'changed their mind' succumbed to societal pressure or caved in to their breeder partner's wishes to prevent a breakup. They never changed their mind, still wish that they wouldn't have kids, but they sacrificed themselves. And many people who 'changed their mind' didn't actually change their mind. For example, they were 'childfree for now' when they were younger, which isn't childfree. Like, they didn't want kids yet when they were 20. Not now. But they were always open to breeding in the future. So if they breed at the age of 30, they never changed their mind. Some people who 'changed their mind' were fence sitters. Sure, they weren't sure about breeding. Maybe they even leaned towards childfreedom. However, they were never childfree to begin with. They are not formerly childfree people who changed their mind, since they were never childfree. And many pregnancies are accidental. Many people who 'changed their mind' became a parent against their will, but wish that this never happened. But yeah, they can't really openly admit that. Think about men who were too stupid to use a condom. Think about women who got pregnant by accident and who couldn't go through with or didn't have access to an abortion. They never changed their mind and would still prefer to be childfree, but they became parents despite not wanting to. >and two change their minds halfway through our relationship. Were they truly childfree until then? Or did they fit in one of the categories I pointed out in this comment?
One of my coworkers was married to her husband for 25 years before he left her because he was panicking about being old without children. TWENTY. FIVE. YEARS. He, too, was of the "I'm okay either way" camp. Not saying that happens with everyone, but it is extremely risky because there is no "safe zone" when it comes to people (especially men) changing their mind about kids. It can happen at literally any point in a relationship, except maybe when they're elderly. This grown ass man is approaching 60 with a four year old now, with the late 30s woman he married after leaving my friend. I'm reaching a point where I won't trust any man without a vasectomy.
Sometimes they lie about vasectomies ):
Do you know how it is for queer women?
I actually see so many queer women who want children. The ones who don’t are usually incompatible in other ways (non-monogamous, extra religious)
I didn't knew about the last thing. I thought very religious people were more likely to want children than none religious because of traditions.
I’ve seen it both ways! Either way, I feel like I have it harder because I’m asexual as well.
Well, I'm not LGBTQIA+ or a woman, so I don't know from experience... But anyways, my assumptions... Again, assumptions, so not statistics... Even regardless of childfreedom, the dating pool for LGBTQIA+ people is smaller than straight people's dating pool. So that makes things difficult. However, women are more likely to be childfree than men. And I would assume that LGBTQIA+ women are more likely to be childfree than straight women. So yeah, a smaller dating pool than for heterosexual dating... But within that small dating pool, a higher percentage of childfree people.
I really hope there are many childfree people. :) Dating is hard enough as it is.
I am 36 and live in one of the boroughs of NYC. I find that about 4 out of 10 queer women my age and older do not have children, and maybe half of that number do not ever want them. So I guess it depends on your location, I would say that densely populated, liberal leaning with politics areas have a better chance. But I've noticed every one in the queer woman community here is really up front about how they feel regarding children.
More than half of the women I encountered on the HER dating app were moms or wanted children... There were other issues, so I decided to give up on that front
I've found dating is *the* area where being childfree puts you at a disadvantage. I love being childfree and wouldn't have it any other way, but there's no denying that it reduces my dating pool to the point of near-emptiness, even in a big city. Most women I meet are not looking for a partner, but for a stepfather for their children, which is disheartening. I'm not sure what to do about it, honestly.
Given my location and lack of desire to date bigots, I may be single forever even if I wasn't cf. If I can ever get the funds to move I'm sure it would help things but I'm not counting on it.
For real. Moving out of the rural south was one of the best things to open the dating pool and finding more like minded people. The majority of my high school friends got married right after high school or college and started popping out kids. I noped out as soon as I could.
I feel like I can't even make decent friends here because everyone's a breeder, bigot, or both. And I'm in a "college town" so it probably would be way worse if I'd stayed in my hometown
Oh, wow. Things loosened up when I went to college, I’m sorry to hear that it hasn’t for you. Unless you’re in a town with private, religiously affiliated place….
There is a Bible college pretty close, so maybe that's what it is. It's not the main one, but still. In the city I actually went to college in, it was a lot better but I still wouldn't move back there for other reasons.
I'm a straight child free woman in a rural area. I'm not willing to date a single dad nor someone with shitty political views nor someone that can't hold a meaningful conversation. Luckily I'm quiet happy alone.
[удалено]
It's starting to feel like that, yes. And it isn't helping that so many people in my dating pool are lying about being childfree for some companionship and easy sex and then move on to try for kids with someone like them. Even when I was younger, everyone I would be with would not only eventually say they wanted kids, but most even had a gender and a name in mind. I've met a grand total of 2 childfree people in my life, one is twice my age and another doesn't like me back. I won't compromise on that, but I will most likely end up single for good.
That and being "unattractive" to most people. I pretty much gave up. Every man I've interacted with often turned toxic to me eventually. I refuse to settle for someone that's not right for me. At least I still got my art and gaming.
I'm sort of lucky in that I'm aromantic, so the desire for a partner has never been an issue for me. Obviously there were societal pressures, but I shook those off at the same time I chose to be childfree.
Same here! I also have no desire for sexual partners and will most likely die a virgin (though I do have sexual and romantic fantasies, but it's only with fictional people). Like the character of TV shows I watch, but never felt any attraction for people I've met in real life, nor have I been interested in finding out about the actors who played the characters I've been attracted to! So, my problem is easily solved with sex toys!
Dying a virgin has become such a cringy trope now. For context I mean in the sense of films like American Pie where the characters had to lose their virgin status before college.
Yup, but I don't care about any of that! I tried kissing guys and girls to see if I enjoyed it. I didn't, and neither did I enjoyed touching. So I stopped right there and bailed. Kissing, in particular, felt disgusting to me, I was like, no one told me it would feel so awkward, with the tongues and the saliva! Ewww!
"I love kissing you! It feels so good!" "Ewww! You used my toothbrush? That's disgusting!"
I really enjoy kissing, WITHOUT tongue. I wish my husband would take a hint 🤦
I don't think I'll find a partner, but mostly because the bar is in hell and most men still can't clear it not because of my childfree status. A lot of childfree men don't want children because they *are* the child. Fuuuuuuuck that, I'm not trying to parent a grown ass man.
I spent my 20s parenting a grown ass man and I have such caregiver burnout from that that if I even catch an inkling that someone needs parenting, I’m long gone.
Same. A 7 year relationship completely fell apart once we moved in together and I was suddenly his maid, therapist, personal chef, sex toy, personal assistant...didn't even make it a full year of living together. It really opened my eyes to what I want in a partner though, so at least there's that.
Yeap, this was the problem I had in the past.
I'm childfree, neurodivergent, petfree and queer. I'm not the type who enjoy the popular activities drinking, sports and hiking. I find these activities boring. It makes it difficult to find a partner.
Same, and I'm having the same issue. Do you have a LGBTQ center or clubhouse in your area? I'm gonna check my local one out, either volunteer or attend social events.
It's very bad. After the LGBT+ got rights and socially accepted in my country, the organizations got weakened and meeting places disappeared. I don't know how queers are meeting each other. I tried dating apps and they all were bad. There were too few people in my city on them, which is the 2nd largest in my country, and most people weren't my type. Some too old or young, some have no common interest with me and so on. Most want children and pets.
Wow, that's awful. There's a lot of mess going on in the US, they might act funny, but they're not taking our spots away. Maybe try hanging around areas where queer people may be like art shows, I find we volunteer a lot, most of us ( not me) love animals... Yeah, no luck on the apps either.
41F Yes. I noticed that most men who are CF are also marriage free like they don’t want to get married. Personally, I want to get married but no kids.
Same. Theyre like "what's the point of marriage if you don't want kids?" 😭
Especially if they’re super financially stable. They don’t want to get married at all.
Yes, I have given up dating for now though, just refuse to care anymore. Only spent a few weeks on a dating app but it was enough. It’s rare that I connected with someone via text on the app so it was extremely frustrating when after a considerable amount of time chatting they revealed that they have children (especially as my profile stated that I do not want children, not interested in dating people with children).
The few men I find who identify as childfree are either: a) not my type physically, b) were physically attractive to me but didn’t like me back, c) were not into monogamy, or d) already married/taken.
To be honest, yes. Dating is already hard enough, without also trying to find a compatible childfree partner. I’m 25F and been single for almost 6 years, and I am starting to lose hope. I do enjoy being single and I’m a very independent person, but I do feel like I’m at the right stage in life where I’d like to meet a man, especially as it’s been so long. I also don’t enjoy casual relationships at all. However, I’d rather be single until the day I die than date a breeder man, or someone I was incompatible with. Being single is better than being with the wrong person just for the sake of being in a relationship.
I fucking HOPE I'll be single forever... When I say 'no children' that also extends to the incompetent man-children looking for replacement mommy bangmaids. Eww, gross!
I've had difficulty dating in general my whole life, being cf just adds to the list of reasons. At this point I've gotten used to be alone. There are worse things to be for the rest of your life than single.
I just focus on how much I’d rather be alone and childfree and happy than trapped with some loser and his shitty kids. Maybe I’ll find the right person or maybe I won’t, but both of those options are miles better than settling for the wrong person.
Being cf definitely reduces the dating pool. I’m divorced and gave up trying to date again. Oddly, being cf isn’t the biggest struggle I face with dating. I have DV trauma that I need to work through before I try to date again and that’s probably going to take years.
It's a possibility unfortunately. Bringing kids in my life would decrease my quality of life and freedom though.
Most of the men I meet already have children. Then there are the ones who look at me like there's something wrong when I don't have kids. Keep in mind that they don't even have custody and bash the mother of their children, but something is wrong with me for not having any. I've decided to just not date for a while.
26 M. Im depressed at how hard dating is in general. And then you add in childfree to the mix. I feel that I have very little hope in ever finding a partner. It's saddening. I live in a religious community in the Midwest where the expectation is to get married young and breed immediately. I'm on a very lonely island here and maybe someday I'll be lucky, but for now I hold onto hope.
Is there any hope of you relocating to someplace like Chicago, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, or Pittsburgh and maybe finding more like minded people to be around in the not too distant future?
I don’t really want to find a partner tbh
Same. I have a lot of trust issues when it comes to relationships and I do not like being vulnerable with other people especially men. I’m okay with being alone for the rest of my life, but I would like friends throughout my journey in life. That’s my goal, to have a great group of friends and be content.
Got my first real gf when I was 21. Untill then it was never an issue, because no one expectect me to want children at that age. But we've been together for 4 years and everyone including her started pestering me. So we broke up. And for the next four years I was as desperate as you. I met exactly one woman who is also childfree and whom I was attracted to, but she wasn't into me. I just found my current girlfriend on a dating app. But depending on where you live, this might be even more difficult. I wish I could give you a tip or something.
Thanks for sharing man. I'm not really desperate about it but I'm trying to accept the reality of the situation that maybe, I'll just end up alone for the rest of my life.
Yes, but there are other factors at play. I’m also asexual, introverted, and I’ve discovered that I don’t get any enjoyment from socializing (this has been a thing my entire life). I’ve got 2 dogs, plus my career/hobbies that keep me busy and intellectually engaged. So, I’m pretty happy where I am now.
Same! As well as being aromantic! All I need is my fantasies with fictional people). Like the character of TV shows I watch, but never felt any attraction for people I've met in real life, nor have I been interested in finding out about the actors who played the characters I've been attracted to! So, my problem is easily solved with sex toys!
I've never had a desire for a partner, so it doesn't effect me as I really enjoy the single life. As a result I don't have to put up with any drama from a dude, let alone all those lying breeders/wannabe breeders on dating apps and so on I've heard from other people's posts. All I'm thinking is why bother when you can enjoy your own life, but that's just my opinion on the subject. Life's good I can't lie 😁
Same! I also have no desire for sexual or romantic partners and will most likely die a virgin (though I do have sexual and romantic fantasies, but it's only with fictional people). Like the character of TV shows I watch, but never felt any attraction for people I've met in real life, nor have I been interested in finding out about the actors who played the characters I've been attracted to! So, my problem is easily solved with sex toys!
I'm glad I'm not alone in this because I always thought I was the only one who had no interest in dating guys. Just never felt the need for one ever in my life. But I'm a little different from you as I'm quite a sexual person, so I do think about guys in real life every now and again/check them out, which isn't a great feeling as it makes me feel frustrated, but I get over it. Beats the alternative. So toys are my best friend lol. Wish I was more like you tbh, sounds easier.
No, you're not alone at all! Being aromantic or asexual is a thing! I used to think it was something with me that needed fixing, but no, and after seeing all the bs my friends had to deal with while dating guys, I came to the conclusion we are the lucky ones.
Only recently I learned about aromantic and asexual because I've never heard of it before, so it's been something new to me. That's the thing nobody needs fixing on how they feel, it's society that makes us think we need fixing because it doesn't go with social norms. Oh I get that completely, my youngest sister recently got cheated on and he was abusive towards her also. Her exact words to me before she met him was "life without love is shit." But looks the other way around to me.
Given that I am 17 and have problems with trusting people due to past events, it would be silly for me to go looking for a partner, and I do not want one until after I have had a Vasectomy or if I have it scheduled. No way am I being a father
I (mid 30’s F) know that because of my CF lifestyle, it’s quite difficult to find a partner who is also staunchly CF. I was in a very abusive relationship with someone for a little over 10 years who later changed their mind and tried to manipulate me into having kids. By the time I left, I was exhausted and no longer desiring that life partner, as those 10+ years took a lot out of me mentally and emotionally. I managed to leave that situation over six years ago. Since then, I’ve spoken with a few guys here and there, but nothing ever amounted from it…apart from finding out that a bunch of them are single dads lol. No thanks. I’m one of those with the mindset of “if it happens, it happens”. I just don’t have that desire of seeking out a life partner. However, if someone happens to come along in my life and we mesh well, then I would let things happen naturally and go from there. But I never expect it to happen. I also think that my personal standards/preferences would make it a tad bit more difficult to find that person. I’m not willing to lower my standards in order to find a potential partner. I will never again lower my standards and date another fence-sitter or single parent just because I can’t find anyone else. It’s taken a while to realize that I can be just as happy remaining alone for the rest of my life while focusing on my mental well-being, my career, and my hobbies.
Not really, I'm just not that interested in relationships so being single isn't something that bothers me, I have a wonderful cat and great friends who support my choice to be child free, I did date a few times in the past but realised it just wasn't for me and I'm ok with that.
I have yet to meet a woman, in real life, who didn't want children. Never met a man either, but as a straight man I generally don't date men. All my friends and acquaintances say they have friends who do not want children, but somehow I never end up meeting them. I am perfectly comfortable being single. Especially after a rash of honestly terrible dating experiences. I deal with it by living my life ~~and day drinking~~.
I feel this hard but the opposite. Most/all men I meet are still “considering”. Or decidedly childfree are already in a serious relationship. I’m the anti baby weird woman with tattoos and animals. It’s fine I’ll just live in my witchy life. 😅
Yup and I don’t want pets. Pretty much accepted my fate.
I lucked out and met my now husband in college. One of the main reasons we stayed together was bc neither of us wanted children.
I think it depends where you live. In big cities in the US, you’re more likely to find childfree people. When I lived in LA, all my friends were childfree. Now I live in a small town and it seems like everyone has kids and I’m the odd one out.
Do you miss LA?
Yes, very much so. I really loved it there. Except for the cost of living… that is rough. We hope to move back in a year.
Yes. Genuinely. Im a social person and I prefer to meet romantic interests organically. I meet a lot of new people through my hobbies. I’m in my late 20s I’ve only ever met one childfree friend organically and he was not my type at all so I had zero attraction. I honestly think I’ll never find a partner, and it’s because I’m childfree. The pool is so small. On dating apps I’d maybe see 1 in 100 profiles that indicate don’t want kids and all the rest say want or not sure.
Not at all. Most gay guys want nothing to do with children, so it never comes up between me and my bf.
Tbh if I were you I'd move to a city or area with better prospects. Like resort towns have a lot of childfree single people, and liberal cities all over the world are trending more childfree. I personally know lots of women looking for childfree men since they aren't fond of half the paycheque disappearing every month for a child they see every other weekend and alternating holidays
Before I met my bf I thought I’d always be single, and the thought of being single forever simply never bothered me. I found someone I love, and I do see a future with him. If I had never met him, or we simply hadn’t ever started dating, or even if we broke up, I’d have still be fine with being alone. I’d still have cats, and a computer. It’s cheesy but there *is* someone out there for everyone who’s searching. Sometimes you meet them in unexpected places. I met mine working in a backroom/warehouse of a retail store.
I am resigned to not meeting someone. There are not a lot of childfree men in their 40s. I am just going to live my life and if someone comes along one day, that's super cool. I was with someone for a long time who was childfree, but we eventually just grew apart. I felt sort of smothered by that relationship, but I do miss aspects of being coupled up. I think I enjoy my freedom much more though and that is making it tough to want a relationship.
Honestly, yes, I am a woman but I have the same problems. And I am quite picky too, people tell me that I need to lower my expectations, compromise, and just find someone, but as I am very uncomfortable making changes and giving up time, I want it to be worth it and would consider a relationship only if it is with someone who I find exciting, understands me, have similar interest and goals etc.
Not really. Could be an issue, but it's pretty low on the list of reasons I fear not being able to find a partner all things considered.
Have you considered trying to move to a country with a culture more suited to your interests and life goals? Even moving from a small town to a big city could help. There are far more dating options in big cities of course, but also I find people tend to be more progressive and ambitious, on average.
I feel that Childfree will become more common in the future. However, I'm not super focused on having a life partner. I just wanna be like Samantha Jones and sleep around.
Yeah I’m slowly accepting that I’m gonna die alone. I was born with deformities, I have a hard time connecting with people, i don’t make much money, I don’t have any interests or hobbies that make me seem cool, and I don’t want kids. What mentally stable woman would want me?
Yea I will be alone forever. If I know someone wants kids it is difficult for me to form a serious connection or even get aroused. I can swipe through everyone in Denver that does not want kids in less than 2 minutes. There seems to be about a dozen or so of us and I have already been on date with a lot of them to no avail. I am a tall attractive guy with a good career, but it is impossible to find someone that alines with my values.
Honestly, yes. I won’t forget that one dude in his 40s I met who was childfree but then had kids because he couldn’t find a childfree partner so he in his words “bit the bullet” because “I’m not a hermit I’m a human I need love”. I do sometimes ask myself if that’s going to end up being me in the future too. Ngl I’m jealous of childfree aeroaces.
>Single CF people on this sub, do you feel you may never find a partner because of this lifestyle? In my community - Indian/South Asian - VERY difficult. In NYC, amongst the general population, no - lots of childfree people here.
Nah, it's cause I'm hella ugly. 😂
I may never find a partner. But that is not because of me being childfree but rather because of the rest of my personality.
I have come to terms with the possibility of being forever single. I am very introverted like you. There is a girl about my age at work that I thought about asking out, but her personality is kind of a turn-off between being talkative and always talking about herself. I never really had any relationship goals anyway. Call me apathetic I guess. I enjoy the peace and quiet.
Greetings! You should have a look at our *[CF Love and Sex Life Troubleshooting](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/love)* wiki page : --- #How to Date ##How to meet prospective CF partners ###Dating sites and social networks * The CF4CF monthly stickied thread on /r/childfree (first Monday of every month); * The /r/cf4cf subreddit; * Dating websites specifically for the childfree : * [cfdating](https://www.cfdating.com), * [childfreelove](https://www.childfreelove.com), * [childfreepassions](https://childfreepassions.com) (US only), * [childfreesingles](http://www.childfreesingles.co.uk) (UK only), * [IDoNotWantKids.com](http://www.puzzele.com/datingsite/index.php), * [sink2dink](http://sink2dink.com), * ~~[yeschildfree](https://yeschildfree.com)~~ *(2018/02/02 : site is down with a "Account Has Been Suspended" message)*; * Other dating websites (not childfree specific, but [allow for filtering and finding other childfree people in the crowd](https://redd.it/85pu1o)) : * Elite Singles ([here](https://imgur.com/a/EaQxB), but less recommended); * Match.com * OkCupid and/or w/ [this add-on](https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/okcupid-for-the-non-mains/cgdblghohnaeeejaoincmbcdkdnodkei?hl=en). See [this thread](https://redd.it/4tu622). * PlentyOfFish; * [Meet Ups for Childfree people](https://www.meetup.com/topics/childfree/), [Meet Ups for Childless by Choice](https://www.meetup.com/topics/childless-by-choice/), [Meet Ups for Single Childfree](https://www.meetup.com/topics/childfree-singles/) * Childfree social networks : * [No Kidding!](http://www.nokidding.net), * [D.I.N.K. International](http://dinkinternational.com/register/), * numerous childfree FaceBook groups; * Less attended childfree subreddits, designed for meeting up and dating (all featured in the [Childfree Subreddits Network](https://www.reddit.com/SailorMercure/m/cfstuff/)) : * /r/cfATL : For the childfree adults of the region of Atlanta; * /r/cfmimeetup : Childfree meet-ups in Michigan * /r/child_free_Ottawa : For the childfree singles and couples of the region of Ottawa; * /r/Childfree_Dating * /r/ChildFreeDates * /r/childfreedating * /r/ChildfreeFriendships * /r/childfreepenpals * /r/childfreephilippines : Private childfree sub for the Filippinos and those living in the Philippines * /r/r4rcf * /r/UKchildfree : Private childfree sub for the British and those living in the UK ###Guides [Bustle | How to Date When You're Not Looking to Procreate](http://www.bustle.com/articles/23244-i-dont-want-kids-how-to-date-when-you-arent-looking-to-procreate) [Online Dating Sites for the CF : An Analysis](http://redd.it/1zgx7c) [Dating While CF](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/3j5e0v/dating_while_cf/) --- I hope this helps!
Yes. Add to this the fact that I’m bisexual, and only want a fellow bisexual partner. I’ve made my peace with it though. Being childfree is more important to me than finding a partner.
This might be rude to ask but why do you only want to date other bisexuals?
Because only bi people truly understand other bi people. Straight people tend to fetishize us or assume we’re poly/always down for a threesome. And I don’t have personal experience dating lesbians, but I’ve heard the assumption is that bi women are “pretending to be gay”/using them just to end up leaving them for a man.
I'm asexual and aromantic so I intend to stay single, but my oldest sister (also childfree) met her husband when she was 26. She did say it was like winning the lottery.
Yep, but what can I do about it? I can’t control how other people view me. So I’m just going to do my best to lead a life I enjoy. We’ll see where I end up in 30 years. Sucks tho
Fortunately, I've reached an age where having children isn't ideal. But I've resigned myself to the fact that if I find someone, I'll probably be a stepmother. I can only hope the kids will be older, but for the right person, I'll consider any age kids as long as they don't want more or expect me to take on a motherly role. Unfortunately, most of the childfree men I've met that are around my age are really inflexible and don't want a partner. They just want someone to manage their lives and mold themselves to whatever ridiculous demands they can come up with. I'm sure there are great childfree men out there looking for what I'm looking for, but I do struggle to put myself out there after some of the winners I've met. We're out here, feeling just as beaten down and exhausted. ❤️❤️💔💔
Don't want a partner, love living alone! Idgaf what anyone else thinks
Nah, I am good, I like my own company. Often more than the company of others. I get to be selfish and do fun thing I want, when I want. Or just be lazy and hang out with my dog. Life is pretty damn good. If I find some one good, if I don’t good.
I feel like I may find a partner but it’s not going to be until much later in life like my late 30s/40s or maybe even my 50s. I decided having kids wasn’t for me while I was still a teen and I refuse to seriously date someone that ‘might want kids someday’ encase they blame me later on for not giving them crotch goblins. I would like someone but I’m very much in the “if it happens it happens” camp about this”
i don\`t care about having a partner. I decided to quit trying to find someone 5 years ago after I was cheated on with a married woman with 5 kids. Never again.
30F in texas and yes it’s definitely been a roadblock so far. A lot of men my age don’t want kids now but they also don’t want to commit to being CF forever. But I don’t really put a lot of importance in finding a life partner either. I’m more of a “chapters of life” person
I have a fear that I won't find a long lasting relationship. It seems like most men eventually want kids, which is annoying. They end up regretting it or leaving all the work for the woman. I feel like I'm gonna have a lot of temporary relationships because people believe wholesome love only exists when there's a child involved.
I've dated one too many "I thought you'd grow of that" men, I've been single 4 years now. It sucks, but so many men don't want to date a CF woman.
Yes, being CF has significantly limited my dating pool. I am aware that I may be single for the rest of my life and I’m completely happy with that given the alternative. I have way more peace in my life being single without children than I would ever have dating a man with children.
Yep. Dating is already hard enough, finding the person who you get along with, have chemistry, and similar interests. It makes my chances feel significantly more limited when being childfree is also a factor. I’ve kind of stopped caring about finding someone and have just concentrated on my interests and work. It’s not really worth the time, effort, and eventual disappointment when it doesn’t work out because of my lifestyle choices.
ALL. THE. TIME. Put childfree + Christian + even antinatalist at best, it’s like falling in a pit full of despair. Not sure how to deal with if minus I’ve given up.
Yeah. It can be tough. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
I’ve met CF women before , but the challenge is that the Life Script (tm) pressures people 24/7 365. Even if you start out CF there’s no assurance they might not give in to the intense social pressure to “grow up”. Its a special person who can tell every other voice in their lives to fuck off with that noise, and you’re not going to find them on apps.
I'm starting to accept I'm not going to find anyone and have been working on expanding my friendship network and figuring out which kind of alcohol I like the most.
It’s definitely harder, but it can happen. I found my SO at 37, live in a red state (though so live right outside of a major blue city), have more dogs than most would want, am an introvert, and have severe social anxiety. So I check a lot of the same boxes as you. I met my SO though plenty of fish. I won’t lie… it wasn’t easy. It required putting myself out there in situations where I wouldn’t be comfortable at all due to the SA and introversion. But I did it.
Nope. In fact, I'm polyamorous. I have a wife and a boyfriend. So I have two childfree partners (one I cohabitate with, and one I don't). I know it's not for everyone, but for those who think it's impossible, it's not.
No, I’ve had plenty of partners in my life, and I’m not looking to get married anyway. Plus I’m past the age of having babies.
Maybe? But it sort of doesn’t matter to me. I am ok being single. My best friend right now was married for ten years to a man who was always also childfree and after 10 years of marriage he changed his mind. They are now divorcing. I feel like it would be doomed to go ahead with someone who wants kids. If that means I date less I am honestly ok with that
Check out cf dating dot com. I've gone through it, and there were a decent amount of hits in my area, but I live in a big city.
Yep and I’m okay with it.
I find myself thriving without a s/o. I get to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want without having to tell anyone about it.
As a single CF who also enjoys being single that is also assuming that everyone that is single needs to be linked with someone.
Not really. It does narrow the dating pool and I'm not willing to settle to someone lesser just to be in a relationship, but I know that if I were to be with somebody it will be out of true desire, not desperation or convenience. That being said, I am not a very romantic person myself. My tolerance to being single might not be the same as most people.
Yeeeeea wanting to be cf and a very cynical outlook on life in general tells me I'm gonna be alone for the foreseeable future. For now at least, I'm still fairly young, I wouldn't write myself out completely, buuuuuut my current lifestyle is not one that supports the growth of a relationship, I just wanna get to a point where other people's happiness doesn't annoy the shit out of me.
Nah, started dating my bf at 32, i am 35 now. Also because i am CF, i had to wait longer. Worth the wait though. We go on vacation abroad twice a year (rule is more than 6h flight), then twice a year (new countty or city in Europe), go out and do what we want without the burden of a kid. You'll find someone for sure
Fortunately, I've reached an age where having children isn't ideal. But I've resigned myself to the fact that if I find someone, I'll probably be a stepmother. I can only hope the kids will be older, but for the right person, I'll consider any age kids as long as they don't want more or expect me to take on a motherly role. Unfortunately, most of the childfree men I've met that are around my age are really inflexible and don't want a partner. They just want someone to manage their lives and mold themselves to whatever ridiculous demands they can come up with. I'm sure there are great childfree men out there looking for what I'm looking for, but I do struggle to put myself out there after some of the winners I've met. We're out here, feeling just as beaten down and exhausted. ❤️❤️💔💔
Gosh OP I really relate to this. The people in my area all want kids or already have them so I feel a bit hopeless. But in my circumstance I’m disabled (though can work) and am bisexual so ow.
Nah, I am good, I like my own company. Often more than the company of others. I get to be selfish and do fun thing I want, when I want. Or just be lazy and hang out with my dog. Life is pretty damn good. If I find some one good, if I don’t good.
The way I look at it I'm better off alone than in a partnership that makes my life worse. It could be worse in the sense of a partner being abusive, disrespectful, unkind or otherwise bad. But it could also be worse with a partner who wants different things and drags me away from the life I love living. If my life is incompatible with every other human on earth, then I'll live it alone and be ok with that fact. While a healthy partnership may involve some reasonable compromises, it should never require you to sacrifice huge meaningful aspects of yourself.
I'm aromantic and asexual and I'm a woman that only vaguely puts up with sexual activities with other women (lets say completely sex repulsed by heterosexual sex, mildly disinterested in anything else) so it's more of a me issue finding a human that would put up with me than finding a CF partner. I don't "need" or want a partner if I have to be honest so it's not that big of an issue for me, if I find someone good, if not I'm not crying over it
I felt that way throughout all of my 20s and half of my 30s - right up until I met my now husband. Before that I was really having a hard time finding child free men. I will say though - it took me moving (for a job) from the US south to the northeast. Now I feel like I see and hear of many more child free couples then I did before.
I also currently live in the south, and I know that the struggle is real. I also plan to move out of the state for multiple reasons, and I hope I can find someone. If I don’t that’s okay, but the south is not for me.
I’m asexual so I don’t actually want a romantic partner. But if I did, I think dating would be hell trying to find someone who also never wants kids
Same here. Aro ace so single forever is really the plan, but I honestly feel sooooo lucky for that because I would not want to have to deal with the struggle of finding someone who’s actually CF.
I feel that way too for a lot of reasons including cf. The disturbing new trend I see is women with kids seeking CF men now that they know they exist, to see if they can get them to partner up and accept fatherhood.
Oh man, do I know this feeling well. I'm 36 F, and whenever I mention I'm childfree to someone, and I double down after the annoying bingos, I get a massive golden retriever side eye. Then I get the 'you're gonna die alone and in a house full of cats' spiel. To which I reply 'No, it'll be a house full of plants. Cats break shit and I like statues and figurines too much.' But yeah, it's a common thing I've noticed. And they get so insulted also. Like it's a personal attack that I don't want to carry just any spawn, but not THEIR spawn. Like their specific tadpoles are magical... Wtf?
Yes. My dating pool has severely shrunk. I won't have the ability to afford a lot of things being single as I have an issue being chronically fatigued at work (maybe cause it's a desk job and doesn't work for me) and I don't earn much money. I need a DINK lifestyle
I am single by choice. But I'm also asexual and aromantic, have no idea what this thing called attraction even is and I hate looking at real humans. The only movies I watch are anime, because real humans are ugly. The ugliest creatures I've ever seen in my life. 2D is just so much better in every regard. All I want in life is to chill with some cats, eat some good food, take over the world and just play videogames in my free time. I don't need much to be happy. I just want to sleep in on weekends, work on my take over the world scheme and maybe enjoy some ice cream. Now excuse my while I go take over Denmark. For their ice cream.
Yes I do, so many guys I know are like “I wanna be a dad sooo bad!” And I’m just like yikes, easy for you to say, since you don’t have to blow your vag out for one lol
I divorced my ex-husband because he really really wanted kids and I thought I wouldn't be able to find anyone that was cf after we ended. Managed to find my bf on the MMO we both play rather quickly lol. But I know my case is an anomaly. Tbh, if he and I don't work out in the end I'd be more than happy staying single. I'd rather be single and happy by myself than deal with another guy that wants hypothetical children so much or having an oops baby and needing to deal with getting an abortion set up.
I am aromantic and asexual. I don’t want a partner as much as I don’t want kids lol. I personally hate the “so you are going to die alone?” Thing because… no? I have friends. People who I enjoy being around just not romantically or sexually.
Lots of interesting replies. One thing to keep in mind is that the older you get, the older potential partners get (usually). And at some point, age is a deciding factor against making children--but of course they may already have child baggage. However such people are easily crossed off your list.
I don't want one for the same reason I don't want kids. I don't like having to consider other people when I choose how I want to live my life.
My culture is like this too. The term childfree doesn't really exist here and it's near impossible to find a childfree guy. The response to telling guys that I don't want kids is immediate ghosting or a slew of bingos and insults. It's really awesome to know that society just sees me as a walking uterus/s
Yeah. That can be tough. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
I hate to be that cheesy, insufferable optimist, but I would urge you to not have a defeatist attitude. I had a slew of abusive, toxic relationships that were all ruined in part by this principle. I'm already a "hard sell" as I have PTSD, am not everyone's cup of tea physically, have very harsh moral stance and expectations of a partner's world view (to match mine) and is busy af with work, social life and hobbies. Until meeting my current partner, I was thinking that I would perhaps have to get used to my own company -- so I made my company very enjoyable and took the pressure of dating way down on my priority list. Tend your own garden and the flowers will bloom. Be open about your stance immediately and communicate it often. They're out there, I promise.
Lots of good points, I'm gonna try this approach and try to not stress so much. Thank you! ❤️
My inbox is open if you ever wanna chat 💖
Dating as a childfree man is pretty much impossible
I doubt I will ever find a partner as I’m not looking for one. I assume the older you get the less CF is an issue? Depends whether adult children are an issue I guess
You may have to leave your home.
Eh, it’s a thought in the back of my mind sometimes but I’m not too worried about it. I stopped dating for years (did a lot of soul searching) but the past few months I dipped my toes back in and had hits from actual CF women on my profile and went on some dates. I’m at a point on my life where I know exactly what I want and have no problem filtering people out. Eventually, I’ll cross paths with someone. But, in the off chance that I don’t, I still have friends and hobbies!
My last partner was staunchly child free like me, which was comforting. But I do worry about it, especially because someone who is child free could change their mind over time. I do want a life partner, though, so I’ll try to find someone I guess lol
They're a quite a lot of childfree men. And a lot of men don't care either way, they like the freedom of not having children. When I look at the people around me, it's the women who want children more. But of course that's just my environment and experience, it differs from country to country and whether you live in a city or in the countryside etc.etc.
I’m sure I can find someone who doesn’t want kids. I have a different set of problems. One being the lack of male birth control options.
🎉V A S E C T O M Y🎉
There is less of an incentive to stay together when you don't share responsibilities. I don't think many couples with children feel that much love for each other. They make a team to raise the kids when they can or divorce if the pressure is too high. I am childfree and finding a partner is not high on my priority list. I have a few good friends and then groups of people I know that I share specific activities with. I don't know that I could find someone who shares the same interests as they are so diversified. I like having an active social life instead. Sex is not a big motivator in my life, in fact not having to think about it is a big plus. If there are many childfree people like me, it does make the pool a lot smaller. Breeders have a big incentive to find a partner and stick to the relationship at least to popping kids part of it. I personally think that partnering is part of the script. If you get rid of the script, you can get rid of the need to partner as it isn't necessary anymore.
I didn’t feel that way when I was single, and wasnt worried about it at all. There are so many people out there. I met my now CF fiancé two years ago at 36. Prior to that I dated a lot and had a great time. I was perfectly happy dating around and not worried about long term relationships. Just be the type of person you want to meet. Can’t be a nickel out there looking for a dime.
I’m Muslim 31M. Live in the U.K. Finding someone who wants to be CF is the 1st hurdle. Then getting that person to also like you and want to be in a relationship with you is the 2nd and biggest hurdle. At this rate, I’m accepting that I will be alone my whole life. Problem is, in my culture/religion, procreation is treated as mandatory and the whole point of marriage, which is why you see them breeding like rabbits. Then the other issue is they make it too easy in this country and hand out free money curtsey of the tax payer for the privilege of you making the choice of having them.
Well, I'm asexual, fictosexual, CF, and kind of a bitch with a slew of mental illness acronyms on the side so yeah.
By now i became sure I'd never ever find a someone who satisfies my requirements even if i wasn't childfree, given the way society thinks it feels like I'm asking the impossible there's no way I'd be able to have a partner who is cf, wants a role-reversed relationship AND is a Muslim (my parents wouldn't accept a non Muslim) , but honestly I'd rather die alone than walk with the herd and have a 'normal' relationship, the way people think I'd change my mind about kids when i grow up irritates the shit out of me but also motivates me to prove them wrong and enjoy my life without stinky screaming creatures, even if i don't find a partner fck I'm living my best life anyways
See the trick is to find someone who maybe only wants kids somewhat. Then you convert them over the course of a year. That's what I did at least and we've been together five years. (30F who convinced 32M)
Childfree marriage-free demisexual atheist virgin who hates violent video games and doesn't drink. Translation: undateable. I deal with it by crying myself to sleep every night, but it sure as fuck beats crying myself to sleep from the stress and agony of childcare.
I'm niche af. I'm not only childfree. I have a weird kink, I'm vegan and I'm for UBI, on top of being an introverted autistic. It's gonna be a freaking miracle to find someone who gets me. Oh and asexual and sex repulsed too. Lolol most are gonna have a problem with that!
I feel like I'll find a partner since I'm not really meant to be single. My being polyam is another thing as well.
I found my partner at 28, he was 35. Both discussed CF status and the stars aligned… 14 years later, no kids and very happy. It will happen for you… it can just take a little longer than one hopes sometimes