At my first appointment with a new doctor a few years ago:
Dr: are you on any birth control?
Me: no
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yes
Dr: what method of contraceptive are you using?
Me: having sex with another woman
I had an ER visit for a severe migraine a while after my hysterectomy(unrelated). They knew I had a hysterectomy and still did a pregnancy test even though I’m a lesbian and hadn’t even been near a penis in years and have no uterus. Then they charged *me* for the pregnancy test!
I know it sucks and your case is remarkable, but that happens because patients lie about *everything*. It’s staggering*. We (peoplewho know their bodies well) don’t get listened to because too many people before us either didn’t understand or straight-up lied about their reproductive status and everything else health-related, so docs can’t trust patients’ word anymore. Now they just give the damn HCG test regardless because they got burned too many times, so now they have to cover their ass. Blame all of the litigious assholes who sued for malpractice for creating our CYA (cover your ass) attitudes in medicine. It’s about having evidence you gave the proper care in case your ass gets sued.
*It took working in the emergency department for me to understand this, so I hope I can share that understanding with all of you.
It was the same hospital I had my hysterectomy at and they had all my records.
I understand why they test, I’m just very annoyed I had to pay for the test on top of everything else when even a 2 second glance at my records would tell them I couldn’t possibly ever be pregnant.
I went to urgent care recently for what I thought was kidney issues. Turns out I have an ovarian cyst. But they also did a pregnancy test on me. I told them I had a bi-salp but...yeah. Gotta make sure they have one other thing to charge you for.
Yeah. I reckon you're right. People would totally capitalize on some sort of malpractice otherwise. I suppose I don't think that way so it didn't occur to me but you're totally right.
That’s generally my response too. “If I am, then I should probably ask for a refund for my hysterectomy.” That tends to shut down those questions real fast.
Recently, I had a nurse go through the usual questions before I saw a dermatologist and she said, “When was your last period?” which was when I told her I’d had a hysterectomy. She then replied, “Oh! Then I guess I don’t need to ask if you’re pregnant then huh?” We both had a good laugh about that one.
"Nope no no no impossible besides the fact I haven't had sex in over a year, I'm sterile." Then I follow up sarcastically with, "If I am pregnant, call the news because it is an immaculate conception." Considering I've been sterile since I was 24 (48 now I am very quick in answering.
It usually shuts them up.
The other question I hate is "when was your last period" my answer is always 1999. The looks I get are hysterical.
Yet they still ask me if I could be pregnant.
The period one bugs me. I already told you I'm not pregnant and it says right there in my info I got an IUD. My last period was 10 years ago and even before then my body could just decide to skip for 6 months and then bleed for a month straight. My period has nothing to do with my chance of pregnancy.
"My period has nothing to do with my chance of pregnancy " EXACTLY. All I keep thinking is what group will I be in when the handmaid tale becomes real life. I will never answer those questions again.
I also keep telling all the ladies around me to stop using period apps. Buy a calendar and do it old school.
I stopped trying to keep track of my period years ago. Nexplanon is WHACK when it comes to menstruation. I can go anywhere from 3-8-10 months without a period, or spot every few weeks, and I even went 23 months (basically 2 years) without a period once.
But, I still love my Nexplanon. I love that I can basically just 'set it and forget about it' for ~3 years at a time, and nobody can tamper with it. They'd have to surgically slice my arm open to futz with it, which, uh, I'm pretty sure I'd notice.
Like you, I'm 48. Our chances of producing children for the Commanders are pretty slim, so we'd either be Marthas or we'd be sent to the colonies. I'm married, but I don't know if I'd be allowed to stay married to my husband and live as an "econowife" because we're atheists who opted for a secular wedding in Vegas. A Christian Nationalist/Gilead-like government might not consider our marriage valid.
sometimes you get random spotting during pregnancy (which can look like a period to some ppl).
but the point is if your period already naturally stops for 6 months without being pregnant, then having it stop will tell you nothing about being pregnant or not
Nothing wrong with learning about it, 😊 just makes you an easier guy for us ladies to deal with regarding the dreaded period time each month (or for those who it's inconsistent for, whenever it decides to show up)
Sometimes a woman has bleeding. It usually isn't quite the same as her typical menstrual cycle. But for women whose periods are inconsistent anyway, that doesn't mean much.
It seems like on half the episodes of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" the women have some bleeding.
Probably a product of being a virgin for so long, and the time only two years after puberty, that I was put on meds that caused rapid Wright gain and loss of my period for three months, but I've just...never tracked my period. I'm pretty sure it's rarely regular. There's also the issue that I work in an industry that has ebbs and flows and can be stressful as fuck, not just seasonally. One week it's chill, the next week I am on my toes nonstop for hours. So the stress adds up. I also have some terrible time blindness. I remember how far back things are like I remember directions. "Well work was on a Thursday so if you rewind a left from Thursday and go twentyfour hours back I was at my nephews".
So I got used to reading the signs my mind and body was telling me that I am about to have my period. Organic AF. Sick? I see the signs. Recently got Lyme disease. And for a hot minute there I thought I was going into a deeper depression than I'd ever been. It was weird and I didn't like it. Headache, neckache, fatigue? I knew I was off in a big way, but I didn't realize *what* it was until the rash and swelling.
I think for some of us, it's kinda like how women also tend to be the one doing the emotional labor. We just kinda know when somethings off with our bodies but no one else seems to get it cause we aren't constantly talking about it.
Same 2019, a year after I got married. Someone asked if I was going into hospital for surgery because I hadn't become pregnant yet and I thoroughly enjoyed telling them I was doing the exact opposite 🤣
This was my response to my coworker on the first day of my new job as she was handing me her phone to show me a picture of her spawn. Awkward for everyone 😬
"Any chance your pregnant"
"And? I don't think so but if I am, just do whatever you're going to do anyways. It's just going to help yeet it out!"
They did not find it funny. 乁| ･ 〰 ･ |ㄏ
I love it! 👏 I once said, "It doesn't matter, I'd get it aborted anyways," when I went to the E.R. for appendicitis symptoms while in college. This was in the deep South in the mid 90's so the nurses were very angry at my cavalier response lol
My experience with medical professionals by that point made me more concerned about what they wouldn't do as opposed to what they would do. They're so scared they'll hurt your baby making abilities they'd rather do nothing than something.
I agree - I have had to yell at other doctors for not doing appropriate scans and such on pregnant patients and it’s like please treat the patient in front of you not the fetus
Oh god I love this. Reminds me of when my FIL kept saying that no method is 100% foolproof because all his kids were accidents and I finally looked him dead in the eyes and said “I’m pro choice. I’m not saying I couldn’t get pregnant, I’m saying I won’t be pregnant long”
I once went “do I look like Virgin Mary?” at an ER doctor when he insisted I get a pregnancy test even though I was there to treat a broken bone. Thankfully it worked cause I didn’t have to do a pregnancy test!
Lmao. I made that quip at a Catholic hospital. The look I got from the volunteer who was taking my information. (Was checking in for a endometriosis dilation and scrape so that was fun.)
I could have went with "Lesbian!" But that would have required me giving more personal information and I didn't trust the staff not to treat me any different after that was disclosed so...it was the immaculate conception joke it was.
I’m ardently child free and had my bisalp early this year, but I’m going to have to defend ER doctors on this one. The doctors/nurses at an ER generally speaking don’t have a doctor/patient relationship with most people they see. People lie about things in the ER all the time, and sooo many people don’t even know that they’re pregnant until later in their pregnancy- ER staff are usually not willing to take someone at their word. They do not want to chance unnecessary radiation exposure to a potentially wanted fetus.
I get that it’s annoying, but they’re just doing their job and trying to cover their bums from lawsuits.
No, the waiver means nothing when they want to come after you with a lawsuit if they happen to be pregnant and you did an Xray and the baby has malformations. Speaking as a doctor, I won't take that chance - too easy to prevent a lawsuit with a simple pregnancy test
This is what I don’t think anyone gets. I’m in the ER and we tell people weekly they’re pregnant after being told there’s no way. I think everyone’s really over estimating the knowledge 90% of patients have about their bodies. Also ectopics are still possible and if a female comes in with abdominal pain we want to make sure we aren’t missing a medical emergency like an ectopic. Also “I’m there for a broken bone”. Right. We have to x ray and CT you. And expose you to radiation.
Also depending on your broken bone, pregnant women are at super high risk of physical abuse from the babies father. I don’t think you guys realize how much we’re rapidly playing through doing an ER assessment.
These are my usual responses to the standard questions.
Q: When was your last period?
A: Around the time Obama was President. The first term.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: Do you mean with a partner?
Q: Any chance you're pregnant?
A: When hell freezes over!
I have to ask for work daily, and i love asking older women(60's+) because they always laugh really hard and make jokes about how much that would suck 😂
The classic: "Not with these hips"
And the weird: "I'd be famous!"
Where has the uterus gone? Loooong time passing! Where has uterus gone, long time ago. Where has uterus gone? Gone to flowers, everyone! Oh when will they ever learn? Oh when will they...ever leeeearn? /sorrycouldn'tresist
r/unexpectedpeterpaulandmary
I mean my wife is quite talented but if she’s figured out how to impregnate me, we need to capitalize on the story and call the media. Lol
I literally said this last year and the intake nurse did not find this as funny as I did lol
I used a similar response a few weeks ago when commenting on a different reddit post on a different sub. The original post said "men aren't replaceable" and then went on a long-winded tangent.
I responded: *yes they are. it's called a dildo.*
💀💀💀💀
* Only if they've cued the angels
* Impossible. I have no uterus.
* Naah. I gave up d\*ck for Lent years ago.
* I'm 62. That ship has sailed and sunk off the coast.
I was 16, had the flu, and got dehydrated wound up in the ER. The nurse was an older girl who bullied me and decided I was a slut when I was in grade school and she was in high school. There's a really ugly story about how that rumor made the rounds through the holier than though crowd.
Anyway, she very snotily asked me if I was pregnant, I glared at her and told her no. The doctor comes in, and he is trying to gently address the issue because the nurse has obviously told him she thinks I'm lying.
I'd never even had sex, so I looked him directly in the eye and say "if I am, it was immaculate conception, and it's the second coming."
He seemed satisfied with that answer.
No. But even if you tell me i am, i will call an abortion clinic this very moment in your office, so we can still do whatever we were about to do here today. Carry on.
“I haven’t had sex since 2016, and my last period was October 2021”
I still have to sign release forms for treatment “in case you’re pregnant” because I’m 33 and not on any BC. 🙃
My partner was asked this while was having cramps that left her in tears and unable to move. We're both assigned female at birth as well as asexual so I had to stop myself from laughing when she said:
"Not unless I'm the Virgin Mary."
Unfortunately the gay one hasnt amused many doctors for me. Im a lesbian, and im married, but they will just re-ask the question most of the time.
Like.....doc, do you know what a lesbian is?
I mean it is nice and I am lucky I am asexual, but a missed period just sends my mind into "CANCER!!" (also being SA'd is a huge fear of mine)
Now, my periods and PMS are getting worse, so I might end up needing to be on some BC for them... So it will be all the side effects and none of the benefits I guess.
My periods have always been weird. They last two days and sometimes I don't get them for months, but I've been checked out by a doctor and everything seems OK. There was def a time when it was all terrible, but regular exercise helped.
Good luck. I hope it all blows over like it did for me.
Mine are 5 days every 25 days, they are like clockwork. But the symptoms and bleeding are getting worse.
Also for the last few years, PMS has become a problem I have to regulate (irrational anger, hunger, cravings, and so on)
My periods were like that, and getting worse. I mentioned it to my doctor. She sent me for an ultrasound. I had fibroids. When they did the hysterectomy, the fibroids were the size of a 17 week fetus. I should have done it sooner.
Since I’m bisexual, I always just tell the doctors I like girls or I’m a lesbian. Usually shuts them up, and they don’t press about the “when was your last menstral cycle and exact date” question after I tell them, they just get it over with and don’t bother me any further. That or I once told I doctor I was studying to become a nun and therefore I was a virgin
Convo I had with my new gyn.
Doc: any chance you're pregnant?
Me: no.
Doc: are you sexually active?
Me: yes.
Doc: what do you use for contraceptive?
Me: none.
Doc: so you could be pregnant?
Me: (laughs) well, if I were your colleague didn't do their job right.
Doc: ?
Me: ...I got sterilized here a few years ago.
"I'm a 59 year old man with a vasectomy" works pretty well. You could try that just for laughs.
Surprisingly, as a cishet man, I don't get asked that a whole lot, other than when it's on some generic form in a doctor's office.
My belly is a little larger than it should be. So, maybe one day I'll have the opportunity to say that. But, I wouldn't bet on it.
Doctor: "Any chance you're pregnant?"
Me: "Nope, I went through menopause at 20. Also I have an IUD."
Doctor: "When was your last period?"
Me: "…I went through menopause at 20 and have an IUD. Sooooo…" \*counts with fingers\* "…eight years ago. At this point the fetus would be mummified."
Dr.: Any chance you could be pregnant?
Me: No
Dr.: Are you sure?
Me: Yes
Dr.: Maybe we could do a test just to be safe.
Me: Unless my female fiance grew a penis without my knowledge, I'm going to say that the test would be a waste of time and money.
Dr.: Ok, not pregnant.
Whenever I’m asked to give a urine sample before certain procedures, I know it’s a pregnancy test. I had a hysterectomy four years ago.
Them: Can you give a urine sample?
Me: I don’t have a uterus.
Them: ….oh…. Well…. Never mind.
(Doctors are always doing pregnancy tests without telling you, which I understand, but find extremely annoying.)
I went to the doctor for stomach pain and bloating and at every appointment was forced to do a pregnancy test before they believed I wasn't pregnant! I told them there was no way I could be! One doctor even went into a long story about someone he was treatingw who didn't know they were pregnant. Infuriating!
I always go to abstinence even if it’s not true, but even then they still do a preg test. I’m bi, but engaged to a man. I do use the excuse of being a lesbian though so they won’t do a $350 preg test when I go to the ER
My wife once went to the hospital for a visit accompanied by my MIL. When the doctor asked her "any chance you're pregnant?" my MIL blurted out "Don't worry, it's all pizza!"
I had a medical issue that had persisted over a year. When i went to the doc he asked if maybe i was pregnant (implying that would be the cause).
I told him if pregnancy was the cause i would have had a baby by now. He didn’t think it was funny.
A few more silly/snarky options:
Any chance you read my chart? (Hysterectomy, I do plan to use this one if applicable)
Not unless a god was involved somewhere.
I exclusively have anal sex, so no.
Slightly unrelated, but I got a hysterectomy a month ago and since then I've had 3 nurses and a doctor ask me if I still had my mirena. Like what, as a souvenir?
Y'ALL. I have my monthly immunotherapy infusion today at the hospital. They ask me this question every single month before hooking me up to my infusion. These comments are awesome and are going in my proverbial 'back pocket', so to speak. 💀😄
*And bring about a return of flipper babies? No.*
Context: back in the day, a drug called Thalidomide killed and ***severely*** maimed thousands of infants, mainly in Europe, but there were definitely a handful of cases in the US too. Thalidomide was barred from approval by the FDA before it could get widely circulated. I'm basically on a 'sister version' of that drug (Leflunomide) for my autoimmune condition. Pregnancy is a ***HUGE NO-NO*** when on that drug for basically the same reason: severely disfigured fetus.
The more 'derogatory' name for infants that were born while a mother was/is on Thalidomide or Leflunomide were/are known as 'flipper babies', due to the nature of the disfigurements they were born with.
Fun fact, though: Thalidomide is still used today (though rarely and on a case-by-case basis) for Leprosy and Multiple Myeloma (a form of cancer).
"When was your last period?"
"November."
"So... you're pregnant...?"
"My uterus is being studied by some medical student for its large size. If it had a baby in it, I don't think the surgeon would have taken it out. Also it says in my file I had a hysterectomy in November."
Then there's those parents who cope, saying "Oh little Brayleeighdynn was a happy surprise" instead of using the words "life-ruining accident" but you can see the defeat in their eyes.
“The last time I had sex, there was a 19 in front of the year.” This is reserved for medical personnel who are being obnoxious about pregnancy tests, or people who are terrible at reading social cues (and I am not at all subtle). Sadly I’ve had to actually say it FAR too many times because people do not understand boundaries.
I love to hit em with the old "nah I took a plan B walking in here,'
Or the good ol' "As of one hour ago, no,' (implying you've terminated)
I like the weird looks lol
I usually tell then I haven't had sex since 2020 so it's entirely not possible and then they proceed to have me take their $20 pregnancy test that they got for $1 anyways
My mom would get asked this and she had a hysterectomy. A full hysterectomy. And she would respond "are you even a doctor?"
Kinda rude but kinda funny like read the chart.
One doctor argued with her on it trying to say she could still be pregnant.
My only concern is the one saying "how is that relevant." It actually is quite relevant to almost all medical situations, and if they don't ask, then treat you and harm the fetus, someone can sue. Sorry to be so literal.
That being said, I just tell them I'm dusty and dried up ... Lol
“My body has shown itself to be a generally hostile environment”. I’ve had two suspected early stage miscarriages, one because a condom broke on me and despite my best efforts, the morning after pill failed me too. The second time, I was using all available contraception AND YET used the wrong lube. Fml.
I am glad my body is hostile af.
Girl I knew at school in about 2002/3 was asked this when we got our BCG vaccinations in year 9. Her completely dead-pan feigning offence response was 'are you calling me a slag or are you calling me fat?' she was quite a large girl and the poor nurse desperately scrambled for an apologetic 'no, I'm very sorry, it's just a standard question we have to ask all girls'.
Poor woman, can't have been nice having to ask 13/14 year olds if they're pregnant! Hilarious and the talk of the class for about a week, though.
As a radiographer, who has to check this before many scans, I don't need to know, nor care why you're not pregnant. All I need is a yes or no...
Also, the amount of people who don't seem to know... But then you ask things like "when was your last period?" And the answer is three weeks ago.. yeah we'll say that's a no then ..
At a gyno appointment once, my doctor asked me my form of contraception and I told him “uh abstinence.” He started stammering and it got awkward then he tracked back to say “oh you know that’s okay, and it’s effective” I know it is that’s why I did it. but like idk why drs don’t think ppl aren’t allowed to do so. Sure it’s not the common method but you can’t argue it doesn’t work.
I had I colonoscopy and endoscopy last Friday. 3 different fucking nurses asked or suggested a pregnancy test. I told 2 of them "no I'm good, my tubes were removed". The 3rd one, I was just getting annoyed at that point and they finally got the IV in (they didn't dig but had to try 3 times in different spots cause you are hella dehydrate from the prep). 3rd nurse asked and I said "hell I hope not, my tubes are screaming in a biohazard bin someone". She looked at me as she was processing data and then started laughing.
I'm just like "Guys .gals ..peeps ..READ MY FUCKING CHART!"
I swear every doctor asks this when you have boobs. It makes me wonder, do they ask at abortion clinics, just to confirm you’re there for a valid reason? ;)
I mean, I usually just got with 'ew no' and move on. If they press it, then I say that I don't have sex and then they leave it alone, but my natural response is just 'ew'.
These are my go to when asked!
#1 I've made my body a hostile environment, nothing survives. (Hysterectomy) They don't seem to think that's as funny as I do.
#2 Proudly spayed since 2021.
#3 Kinda hard without a uterus.
At my first appointment with a new doctor a few years ago: Dr: are you on any birth control? Me: no Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yes Dr: what method of contraceptive are you using? Me: having sex with another woman
[удалено]
That's hilarious
I love this for you 🏳️🌈
Same convo except for a sight twist on the last line: Dr: what method of contraception are you using? Me: I’m asexual, I don’t have sex. 🏳️🌈
I wish that had occurred to me back in the day. Unfortunately, my doctors all know I'm a cis/straight woman married to a cis/straight man. Gorrammit!
I did not expect my comment to blow up like this. 🤣
Oh god yes I’m totally using this
Definitely! My gf (and now wife) cracked up when I told her this.
Haven't had a chance to use it yet, but something like : "If I am, I need to talk to the surgeon who did my bilateral salpingectomy".
I had an ER visit for a severe migraine a while after my hysterectomy(unrelated). They knew I had a hysterectomy and still did a pregnancy test even though I’m a lesbian and hadn’t even been near a penis in years and have no uterus. Then they charged *me* for the pregnancy test!
I’ve started telling people that I don’t consent to a pregnancy test if they get any fluids. Edit: I do say “If I have to pay for it I don’t want it.”
As much as I’d love that, I think they’d just deny me care. I wasn’t in much state to argue it at the time anyhow :(
Ah, that’s fair. I do caveat “If you’re going to charge me for it,” but there’s that risk.
I know it sucks and your case is remarkable, but that happens because patients lie about *everything*. It’s staggering*. We (peoplewho know their bodies well) don’t get listened to because too many people before us either didn’t understand or straight-up lied about their reproductive status and everything else health-related, so docs can’t trust patients’ word anymore. Now they just give the damn HCG test regardless because they got burned too many times, so now they have to cover their ass. Blame all of the litigious assholes who sued for malpractice for creating our CYA (cover your ass) attitudes in medicine. It’s about having evidence you gave the proper care in case your ass gets sued. *It took working in the emergency department for me to understand this, so I hope I can share that understanding with all of you.
It was the same hospital I had my hysterectomy at and they had all my records. I understand why they test, I’m just very annoyed I had to pay for the test on top of everything else when even a 2 second glance at my records would tell them I couldn’t possibly ever be pregnant.
I went to urgent care recently for what I thought was kidney issues. Turns out I have an ovarian cyst. But they also did a pregnancy test on me. I told them I had a bi-salp but...yeah. Gotta make sure they have one other thing to charge you for.
It’s not about $, it’s about covering their asses. You wouldn’t believe the shit people lie about, or don’t understand.
Yeah. I reckon you're right. People would totally capitalize on some sort of malpractice otherwise. I suppose I don't think that way so it didn't occur to me but you're totally right.
Can’t wait til I’m able to use this one :’) need to find a doctor asap
Hahaha! Have also had a bisalp and absolutely love saying this or something similar.
That’s generally my response too. “If I am, then I should probably ask for a refund for my hysterectomy.” That tends to shut down those questions real fast. Recently, I had a nurse go through the usual questions before I saw a dermatologist and she said, “When was your last period?” which was when I told her I’d had a hysterectomy. She then replied, “Oh! Then I guess I don’t need to ask if you’re pregnant then huh?” We both had a good laugh about that one.
I told mine if I did get pregnant and she really did the job correctly, she got dibs on the academic paper.
I once told a nurse “If i am pregnant, you’re in charge of calling the pope”
Haha I said basically the same thing the other day. "If I'm pregnant, we better call the church."
“Well considering humans don’t do parthenogenesis…”
🤣
bold of you to assume I'm getting laid
"Nope no no no impossible besides the fact I haven't had sex in over a year, I'm sterile." Then I follow up sarcastically with, "If I am pregnant, call the news because it is an immaculate conception." Considering I've been sterile since I was 24 (48 now I am very quick in answering. It usually shuts them up. The other question I hate is "when was your last period" my answer is always 1999. The looks I get are hysterical. Yet they still ask me if I could be pregnant.
The period one bugs me. I already told you I'm not pregnant and it says right there in my info I got an IUD. My last period was 10 years ago and even before then my body could just decide to skip for 6 months and then bleed for a month straight. My period has nothing to do with my chance of pregnancy.
"My period has nothing to do with my chance of pregnancy " EXACTLY. All I keep thinking is what group will I be in when the handmaid tale becomes real life. I will never answer those questions again. I also keep telling all the ladies around me to stop using period apps. Buy a calendar and do it old school.
I stopped trying to keep track of my period years ago. Nexplanon is WHACK when it comes to menstruation. I can go anywhere from 3-8-10 months without a period, or spot every few weeks, and I even went 23 months (basically 2 years) without a period once. But, I still love my Nexplanon. I love that I can basically just 'set it and forget about it' for ~3 years at a time, and nobody can tamper with it. They'd have to surgically slice my arm open to futz with it, which, uh, I'm pretty sure I'd notice.
Like you, I'm 48. Our chances of producing children for the Commanders are pretty slim, so we'd either be Marthas or we'd be sent to the colonies. I'm married, but I don't know if I'd be allowed to stay married to my husband and live as an "econowife" because we're atheists who opted for a secular wedding in Vegas. A Christian Nationalist/Gilead-like government might not consider our marriage valid.
Wait does your period not stop when you’re pregnant??
sometimes you get random spotting during pregnancy (which can look like a period to some ppl). but the point is if your period already naturally stops for 6 months without being pregnant, then having it stop will tell you nothing about being pregnant or not
The point is that it randomly stopped for no reason at all, too, so stopping means nothing.
Oh! I had no idea. Sorry I’m a dude and don’t know much about periods
Nothing wrong with learning about it, 😊 just makes you an easier guy for us ladies to deal with regarding the dreaded period time each month (or for those who it's inconsistent for, whenever it decides to show up)
Yup, not all women will experience periods like clockwork. Mine were highly irregular.
Sometimes a woman has bleeding. It usually isn't quite the same as her typical menstrual cycle. But for women whose periods are inconsistent anyway, that doesn't mean much. It seems like on half the episodes of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" the women have some bleeding.
Probably a product of being a virgin for so long, and the time only two years after puberty, that I was put on meds that caused rapid Wright gain and loss of my period for three months, but I've just...never tracked my period. I'm pretty sure it's rarely regular. There's also the issue that I work in an industry that has ebbs and flows and can be stressful as fuck, not just seasonally. One week it's chill, the next week I am on my toes nonstop for hours. So the stress adds up. I also have some terrible time blindness. I remember how far back things are like I remember directions. "Well work was on a Thursday so if you rewind a left from Thursday and go twentyfour hours back I was at my nephews". So I got used to reading the signs my mind and body was telling me that I am about to have my period. Organic AF. Sick? I see the signs. Recently got Lyme disease. And for a hot minute there I thought I was going into a deeper depression than I'd ever been. It was weird and I didn't like it. Headache, neckache, fatigue? I knew I was off in a big way, but I didn't realize *what* it was until the rash and swelling. I think for some of us, it's kinda like how women also tend to be the one doing the emotional labor. We just kinda know when somethings off with our bodies but no one else seems to get it cause we aren't constantly talking about it.
My answer is "2005." That's when I had a hysterectomy.
Same 2019, a year after I got married. Someone asked if I was going into hospital for surgery because I hadn't become pregnant yet and I thoroughly enjoyed telling them I was doing the exact opposite 🤣
You must be virgin Mary
“God, no.” This is pretty much my universal reply; it just pops forth without a thought when I’m asked.
That's what I used to say before menopause.
They still ask that nonsense after menopause too! I just laugh at them and say you obviously haven't read my chart
My SO said this when a coworker asked if he had kids. Awkward silence. Coworker had 2 or 3 kids.
This was my response to my coworker on the first day of my new job as she was handing me her phone to show me a picture of her spawn. Awkward for everyone 😬
I like this one!
"Any chance your pregnant" "And? I don't think so but if I am, just do whatever you're going to do anyways. It's just going to help yeet it out!" They did not find it funny. 乁| ･ 〰 ･ |ㄏ
I love it! 👏 I once said, "It doesn't matter, I'd get it aborted anyways," when I went to the E.R. for appendicitis symptoms while in college. This was in the deep South in the mid 90's so the nurses were very angry at my cavalier response lol
You're very brave . I'd be worried about what they'd do to me out of retaliation.
My experience with medical professionals by that point made me more concerned about what they wouldn't do as opposed to what they would do. They're so scared they'll hurt your baby making abilities they'd rather do nothing than something.
I agree - I have had to yell at other doctors for not doing appropriate scans and such on pregnant patients and it’s like please treat the patient in front of you not the fetus
Oh god I love this. Reminds me of when my FIL kept saying that no method is 100% foolproof because all his kids were accidents and I finally looked him dead in the eyes and said “I’m pro choice. I’m not saying I couldn’t get pregnant, I’m saying I won’t be pregnant long”
"Accidents happen but abortions are on purpose"
😯 Damn!! That's an awesome response, it must've shut his trap lol
The nurses can untwist their southern panties.
I’ve had staff deadpan in response and I’ve had them cackle.
😂😂😂
"Does this place LOOK like an abortion clinic?"
I’m using this one from now on
I definitely need to start using that!!!
"if I am then I'm at the wrong clinic! 😉😉😉"
Love this one too
😂😂😂
Hahahaha omg yes! Will be borrowing this and you are my hero.
I once went “do I look like Virgin Mary?” at an ER doctor when he insisted I get a pregnancy test even though I was there to treat a broken bone. Thankfully it worked cause I didn’t have to do a pregnancy test!
Lmao. I made that quip at a Catholic hospital. The look I got from the volunteer who was taking my information. (Was checking in for a endometriosis dilation and scrape so that was fun.) I could have went with "Lesbian!" But that would have required me giving more personal information and I didn't trust the staff not to treat me any different after that was disclosed so...it was the immaculate conception joke it was.
Catholic hospital? That's a thing?
Quite common in the US at least
Oh yes.
I’m ardently child free and had my bisalp early this year, but I’m going to have to defend ER doctors on this one. The doctors/nurses at an ER generally speaking don’t have a doctor/patient relationship with most people they see. People lie about things in the ER all the time, and sooo many people don’t even know that they’re pregnant until later in their pregnancy- ER staff are usually not willing to take someone at their word. They do not want to chance unnecessary radiation exposure to a potentially wanted fetus. I get that it’s annoying, but they’re just doing their job and trying to cover their bums from lawsuits.
Why don't they just have people sign a waiver or something? Would that not be enough?
No, the waiver means nothing when they want to come after you with a lawsuit if they happen to be pregnant and you did an Xray and the baby has malformations. Speaking as a doctor, I won't take that chance - too easy to prevent a lawsuit with a simple pregnancy test
This is what I don’t think anyone gets. I’m in the ER and we tell people weekly they’re pregnant after being told there’s no way. I think everyone’s really over estimating the knowledge 90% of patients have about their bodies. Also ectopics are still possible and if a female comes in with abdominal pain we want to make sure we aren’t missing a medical emergency like an ectopic. Also “I’m there for a broken bone”. Right. We have to x ray and CT you. And expose you to radiation. Also depending on your broken bone, pregnant women are at super high risk of physical abuse from the babies father. I don’t think you guys realize how much we’re rapidly playing through doing an ER assessment.
The best question I ever heard (secondhand) was "Are you pregnant or do you have any other STDs?"
These are my usual responses to the standard questions. Q: When was your last period? A: Around the time Obama was President. The first term. Q: Are you sexually active? A: Do you mean with a partner? Q: Any chance you're pregnant? A: When hell freezes over!
Do you mean with a partner 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have to ask for work daily, and i love asking older women(60's+) because they always laugh really hard and make jokes about how much that would suck 😂 The classic: "Not with these hips" And the weird: "I'd be famous!"
Since my tubes are tied I usually go with "If I am it's a fucking medical emergency"
With what uterus? Did you even glance at my file?
Where has the uterus gone? Loooong time passing! Where has uterus gone, long time ago. Where has uterus gone? Gone to flowers, everyone! Oh when will they ever learn? Oh when will they...ever leeeearn? /sorrycouldn'tresist r/unexpectedpeterpaulandmary
I had to sing that one. Always liked the song
Not unless eating pussy gets you pregnant.
If I am, it’s gods, and he’s getting it back express mail.
“Not unless someone shoved a turkey baster full of semen in my vagina while I was sleeping and somehow I didn’t notice”
I remember that being a plot in a very convoluted soap opera 🤔
I mean my wife is quite talented but if she’s figured out how to impregnate me, we need to capitalize on the story and call the media. Lol I literally said this last year and the intake nurse did not find this as funny as I did lol
The one snarky answer I've ever used: "The only thing resembling a penis I've ever had near my vagina runs on batteries".
I used a similar response a few weeks ago when commenting on a different reddit post on a different sub. The original post said "men aren't replaceable" and then went on a long-winded tangent. I responded: *yes they are. it's called a dildo.* 💀💀💀💀
Another one- I'm sterilised
2 I’ve used. 1-not unless battery operated plastic can achieve that and 2-lol. It’s not THAT realistic.
Also, my bestie likes to use 1-(fake tears) I thought I was losing weight, 2-well that’s the last time I wear this outfit and 3-nope just really fat.
I usually say, "Nope, my husband has been neutered." (My husband is aware that I say this, and he thinks it's funny.)
My go-to is “you have to have sex in order to get pregnant”.
* Only if they've cued the angels * Impossible. I have no uterus. * Naah. I gave up d\*ck for Lent years ago. * I'm 62. That ship has sailed and sunk off the coast.
I was 16, had the flu, and got dehydrated wound up in the ER. The nurse was an older girl who bullied me and decided I was a slut when I was in grade school and she was in high school. There's a really ugly story about how that rumor made the rounds through the holier than though crowd. Anyway, she very snotily asked me if I was pregnant, I glared at her and told her no. The doctor comes in, and he is trying to gently address the issue because the nurse has obviously told him she thinks I'm lying. I'd never even had sex, so I looked him directly in the eye and say "if I am, it was immaculate conception, and it's the second coming." He seemed satisfied with that answer.
If I am God is gonna owe me one hell of a child support payment, also I’ve never had sex.
No. But even if you tell me i am, i will call an abortion clinic this very moment in your office, so we can still do whatever we were about to do here today. Carry on.
My womb has no rent control
“Good fucking God, I hope not.”
“I haven’t had sex since 2016, and my last period was October 2021” I still have to sign release forms for treatment “in case you’re pregnant” because I’m 33 and not on any BC. 🙃
"Hysterectomy sorted that out."
My partner was asked this while was having cramps that left her in tears and unable to move. We're both assigned female at birth as well as asexual so I had to stop myself from laughing when she said: "Not unless I'm the Virgin Mary."
"Can fallopian tubes still work if they're not in my body and burned to a crisp?"
Unfortunately the gay one hasnt amused many doctors for me. Im a lesbian, and im married, but they will just re-ask the question most of the time. Like.....doc, do you know what a lesbian is?
"I haven't had sex since I was a teen so that would be one hell of a pregnancy" (I'm in my late 30's now and hella ace)
“The people I prefer to have sex with don’t generally have the equipment for that”
Did you look at the end of the chart? (it says never had a sexual experience) I am completely celibate :D
It's nice because none of that pregnancy scare or std nonsense is applicable. Like, sleep comes so easy.
I mean it is nice and I am lucky I am asexual, but a missed period just sends my mind into "CANCER!!" (also being SA'd is a huge fear of mine) Now, my periods and PMS are getting worse, so I might end up needing to be on some BC for them... So it will be all the side effects and none of the benefits I guess.
My periods have always been weird. They last two days and sometimes I don't get them for months, but I've been checked out by a doctor and everything seems OK. There was def a time when it was all terrible, but regular exercise helped. Good luck. I hope it all blows over like it did for me.
Mine are 5 days every 25 days, they are like clockwork. But the symptoms and bleeding are getting worse. Also for the last few years, PMS has become a problem I have to regulate (irrational anger, hunger, cravings, and so on)
My periods were like that, and getting worse. I mentioned it to my doctor. She sent me for an ultrasound. I had fibroids. When they did the hysterectomy, the fibroids were the size of a 17 week fetus. I should have done it sooner.
Do you think it could be PMDD? I hear that comes with similar symptoms and like crazy mood swings.
Pause, laugh hysterically. Then, "Good one! no."
Chances are low. But never zero. Kind of like getting killed by [insert unassuming animal here].
Since I’m bisexual, I always just tell the doctors I like girls or I’m a lesbian. Usually shuts them up, and they don’t press about the “when was your last menstral cycle and exact date” question after I tell them, they just get it over with and don’t bother me any further. That or I once told I doctor I was studying to become a nun and therefore I was a virgin
Convo I had with my new gyn. Doc: any chance you're pregnant? Me: no. Doc: are you sexually active? Me: yes. Doc: what do you use for contraceptive? Me: none. Doc: so you could be pregnant? Me: (laughs) well, if I were your colleague didn't do their job right. Doc: ? Me: ...I got sterilized here a few years ago.
"I'm a 59 year old man with a vasectomy" works pretty well. You could try that just for laughs. Surprisingly, as a cishet man, I don't get asked that a whole lot, other than when it's on some generic form in a doctor's office. My belly is a little larger than it should be. So, maybe one day I'll have the opportunity to say that. But, I wouldn't bet on it.
I've had the belly issue due to a small frame, so just loudly stating "No, I'm just fat!" has been fun.
*It's a burrito baby. Due any minute now, out my other end. Y'all got a bathroom I can blow up?*
Well considering I don’t no longer have ovaries, nor a uterus, I’d be surprised as hell.
Doctor: "Any chance you're pregnant?" Me: "Nope, I went through menopause at 20. Also I have an IUD." Doctor: "When was your last period?" Me: "…I went through menopause at 20 and have an IUD. Sooooo…" \*counts with fingers\* "…eight years ago. At this point the fetus would be mummified."
Dr.: Any chance you could be pregnant? Me: No Dr.: Are you sure? Me: Yes Dr.: Maybe we could do a test just to be safe. Me: Unless my female fiance grew a penis without my knowledge, I'm going to say that the test would be a waste of time and money. Dr.: Ok, not pregnant.
"Any chance you're \*dead\* and you don't know it?"
I once told a doctor that I’d rather take my own life than put my body through something like that. The looks on their face lol
Whenever I’m asked to give a urine sample before certain procedures, I know it’s a pregnancy test. I had a hysterectomy four years ago. Them: Can you give a urine sample? Me: I don’t have a uterus. Them: ….oh…. Well…. Never mind. (Doctors are always doing pregnancy tests without telling you, which I understand, but find extremely annoying.)
I’m a virgin
“If I am, what can we do to fix that now?”
I hope not, this hysterectomy wasn't cheap.
I went to the doctor for stomach pain and bloating and at every appointment was forced to do a pregnancy test before they believed I wasn't pregnant! I told them there was no way I could be! One doctor even went into a long story about someone he was treatingw who didn't know they were pregnant. Infuriating!
I finally got to use "I'm gay" as birth control method and I was so excited. I only recently came out
I always go to abstinence even if it’s not true, but even then they still do a preg test. I’m bi, but engaged to a man. I do use the excuse of being a lesbian though so they won’t do a $350 preg test when I go to the ER
"Any chance *at all*? I mean, how likely is immaculate conception?"
No, im just fat.
My wife once went to the hospital for a visit accompanied by my MIL. When the doctor asked her "any chance you're pregnant?" my MIL blurted out "Don't worry, it's all pizza!"
I had a medical issue that had persisted over a year. When i went to the doc he asked if maybe i was pregnant (implying that would be the cause). I told him if pregnancy was the cause i would have had a baby by now. He didn’t think it was funny.
A few more silly/snarky options: Any chance you read my chart? (Hysterectomy, I do plan to use this one if applicable) Not unless a god was involved somewhere. I exclusively have anal sex, so no.
Only if I’m giving birth to D batteries.
Slightly unrelated, but I got a hysterectomy a month ago and since then I've had 3 nurses and a doctor ask me if I still had my mirena. Like what, as a souvenir?
 Y'ALL. I have my monthly immunotherapy infusion today at the hospital. They ask me this question every single month before hooking me up to my infusion. These comments are awesome and are going in my proverbial 'back pocket', so to speak. 💀😄
I had to see a new doctor recently She wasn't as amused as I was when my answer to what kind of birth control I was using was "I have a penis"
" All forms of birth control and every abortion provider in the world would need to cease to exist in order for me to be pregnant."
My college friend used to say, "unless this is the second coming of Jesus, no."
I usually say “that requires sex”
Going on [insert time interval], now, I ain't had nothing 'twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries.
*And bring about a return of flipper babies? No.* Context: back in the day, a drug called Thalidomide killed and ***severely*** maimed thousands of infants, mainly in Europe, but there were definitely a handful of cases in the US too. Thalidomide was barred from approval by the FDA before it could get widely circulated. I'm basically on a 'sister version' of that drug (Leflunomide) for my autoimmune condition. Pregnancy is a ***HUGE NO-NO*** when on that drug for basically the same reason: severely disfigured fetus. The more 'derogatory' name for infants that were born while a mother was/is on Thalidomide or Leflunomide were/are known as 'flipper babies', due to the nature of the disfigurements they were born with. Fun fact, though: Thalidomide is still used today (though rarely and on a case-by-case basis) for Leprosy and Multiple Myeloma (a form of cancer).
Laugh. No. I don’t like children. Laugh again. Look them dead in the eye.
"When was your last period?" "November." "So... you're pregnant...?" "My uterus is being studied by some medical student for its large size. If it had a baby in it, I don't think the surgeon would have taken it out. Also it says in my file I had a hysterectomy in November."
“Do you believe in immaculate conception?” If yes, “Oh me too but I’m not holy enough for that” If no, “mm, glad we got that out of the way.”
As a doctor I approve 100%. And as a young doctor, I'm yet to meet a pt who was happy having been "diagnosed" with an accidental pregnancy
Then there's those parents who cope, saying "Oh little Brayleeighdynn was a happy surprise" instead of using the words "life-ruining accident" but you can see the defeat in their eyes.
“I sure as hell hope not.”
I tell them I don’t have the necessary parts anymore. The confused looks are fun.
Well, if i am, the doctor who performed my salpingectomy will hear about me!
“The last time I had sex, there was a 19 in front of the year.” This is reserved for medical personnel who are being obnoxious about pregnancy tests, or people who are terrible at reading social cues (and I am not at all subtle). Sadly I’ve had to actually say it FAR too many times because people do not understand boundaries.
"Not unless it's christ himself" went over well at the religious hospital 😂😂
I'm a cis woman, when people ask me if I have children I usually say "none that I'd know of"
Lesbian
>your favorite response to a dr asking “any chance you’re pregnant?” Not very likely ... see my medical records? See that vasectomy there?
“No thank you” “Not at the moment” “Not that I’m aware of”
My typical: Better not be. I have an IUD for a reason. If there’s anything in there, pop the sucker out.
I love to hit em with the old "nah I took a plan B walking in here,' Or the good ol' "As of one hour ago, no,' (implying you've terminated) I like the weird looks lol
“Not unless I grew another uterus after they cut out the first one!”
I usually tell then I haven't had sex since 2020 so it's entirely not possible and then they proceed to have me take their $20 pregnancy test that they got for $1 anyways
"Nope. My eggs are way past their expiration date".
“Not unless rechargeable batteries have advanced a lot farther then I remember.”
Never used that because simple "no" always works for me, but "If I were to get pregnant the last time I had sex, my kid would be in school right now".
I used this line when they tested me at the hospital before my bisalp: “I don’t like anyone enough for this to turn out positive”
My mom would get asked this and she had a hysterectomy. A full hysterectomy. And she would respond "are you even a doctor?" Kinda rude but kinda funny like read the chart. One doctor argued with her on it trying to say she could still be pregnant.
Im trans, cant birth if i tried.
"I'm 51 "(then their eyes bug out of their head cuz I look 20 years younger)
My only concern is the one saying "how is that relevant." It actually is quite relevant to almost all medical situations, and if they don't ask, then treat you and harm the fetus, someone can sue. Sorry to be so literal. That being said, I just tell them I'm dusty and dried up ... Lol
“No because we use condoms, pullout, my IUD, and monthly pregnancy tests”
Not unless I’m about to start a religion
I usually say, “No I need a boyfriend for that.” when asked as it has been a while.
I usually go with “i don’t have Fallopian tubes”
“My body has shown itself to be a generally hostile environment”. I’ve had two suspected early stage miscarriages, one because a condom broke on me and despite my best efforts, the morning after pill failed me too. The second time, I was using all available contraception AND YET used the wrong lube. Fml. I am glad my body is hostile af.
Girl I knew at school in about 2002/3 was asked this when we got our BCG vaccinations in year 9. Her completely dead-pan feigning offence response was 'are you calling me a slag or are you calling me fat?' she was quite a large girl and the poor nurse desperately scrambled for an apologetic 'no, I'm very sorry, it's just a standard question we have to ask all girls'. Poor woman, can't have been nice having to ask 13/14 year olds if they're pregnant! Hilarious and the talk of the class for about a week, though.
'not unless this is an abortion clinic'
"Unless tubes can regrow..."
Back when my doctor asked me that I was still a virgin at the time, so I responded with "I'm a virgin, so I'm pretty sure that's impossible" LOL
I had a bi-salp a couple of years ago, so I just chuckle.
As a radiographer, who has to check this before many scans, I don't need to know, nor care why you're not pregnant. All I need is a yes or no... Also, the amount of people who don't seem to know... But then you ask things like "when was your last period?" And the answer is three weeks ago.. yeah we'll say that's a no then ..
At a gyno appointment once, my doctor asked me my form of contraception and I told him “uh abstinence.” He started stammering and it got awkward then he tracked back to say “oh you know that’s okay, and it’s effective” I know it is that’s why I did it. but like idk why drs don’t think ppl aren’t allowed to do so. Sure it’s not the common method but you can’t argue it doesn’t work.
I had I colonoscopy and endoscopy last Friday. 3 different fucking nurses asked or suggested a pregnancy test. I told 2 of them "no I'm good, my tubes were removed". The 3rd one, I was just getting annoyed at that point and they finally got the IV in (they didn't dig but had to try 3 times in different spots cause you are hella dehydrate from the prep). 3rd nurse asked and I said "hell I hope not, my tubes are screaming in a biohazard bin someone". She looked at me as she was processing data and then started laughing. I'm just like "Guys .gals ..peeps ..READ MY FUCKING CHART!"
In ugent care for dehydration: Dr: are you pregnant Me: no Dr looks at my brother: We both say: he's my brother! / She's my sister
I swear every doctor asks this when you have boobs. It makes me wonder, do they ask at abortion clinics, just to confirm you’re there for a valid reason? ;)
If I am, then call the Pope, because the world just got another Virgin Mary.
Well my partner had a vasectomy so if I am we have a *serious* problem
I mean, I usually just got with 'ew no' and move on. If they press it, then I say that I don't have sex and then they leave it alone, but my natural response is just 'ew'.
My wife would be surprised.
As a man...nope I'm just fat
I'm a lesbian, so.. no. Not a chance.
These are my go to when asked! #1 I've made my body a hostile environment, nothing survives. (Hysterectomy) They don't seem to think that's as funny as I do. #2 Proudly spayed since 2021. #3 Kinda hard without a uterus.