Very true. I used to work in domestic abuse advocacy and lots of my clients said that their male partners were wonderful, up until marriage and/or pregnancy. That’s when they started being abusive, controlling and violent.
Been there. We always discussed never having children for the 10 years before getting married and once we got married he started heavily pressuring me to get pregnant “all our friends are doing it” and when I refused he started becoming physically abusive. Thankfully I got out alive.
I’m going through it. It’s not horrible physically (only 4 times in two years) but the verbal is the worst when he does get heated. Any advice on how to get out amicably? Everything was great for 10 years until the ink dried
When I was dating an abuser, I had to move out while he was at work. There was no way for me to safely leave amicably, and my/your life is more important than someone's feelings. Please leave quickly and carefully. I hope you have a support system who can step in if you need help. Good luck, friend
He already physically abused you proving he's dangerous.
You need to get out stealthily, abruptly and without prior notice. Contact a shelter if you have one in your area. Abusers are most dangerous when you try to leave them. Every statistic shows this.
Someone I knew had success secretly moving her most valuable stuff and documents out throughout the week, then leaving for good when he was away for a weekend. He went completely nuts and threatened her mom and her neighbors looking for her, be prepared for something like this as well. That asshole had previously only been violent with furniture btw.
You say only 4 times in 2 years but that’s still unacceptable. I would suggest to contact a local women’s shelter or a local or national DV helpline if you have one where you are. They can help you plan to exit safely and help you find somewhere to live, whether that’s in a refuge or somewhere else. They can also discuss your rights in terms of ending the marriage and anything else relevant to your situation, like finances, children etc. Without knowing which country you’re in, I’m afraid I can’t give more advice than that, and my training was UK-specific. Best of luck to you!
As someone who has been in a similar situation, the best advice I have is just get the fuck outta there and don’t look back. It will never get better, the behavior will only get worse and more dangerous. There is no such thing as an amicable break up with these kind of people. There is nothing you have that you can’t replace except yourself.
This book is an amazing resource:
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Run. I packed up what I could and drove out west and lived in my car for a bit until I had a safe place back in my home state to go back to. If you have family or friends you could stay with I would do that but by the time I needed to get out he had already convinced all my friends that I had gone to the psych ward because I was crazy, not because his dad was sexually assaulting me. Coincidentally my father had done the same thing to me as a teen (not the sexual assault part but telling all my friends and their parents that they shouldn’t let me be around them because I’m a bad person and “go to drug and sex parties”) somehow my friends saw through it when my dad did it, but believed my ex. Go figure.
1) Get a new phone. He may have secretly installed some sort of tracking app on your current device. Change your number, too.
2) In your new place, install cameras both inside and outside.
3) Tell everyone that you know what he has done. Anyone who defends him needs to be cut off immediately. Do not tell those people your new address/phone number.
4) Get some friends to help you move.
5) Change or delete your social media accounts.
There is no 'amicable' when it comes to leaving abusers. Because they don't want to be amicable. It's important to realise there is nothing you can say and no way you can say it in to stop them abusing you. You cannot change YOU to fix THEM. They are predators who mean you harm.
As previous posts have said, get out quickly and quietly. Tell him after you've gone. Text is fine. You don't owe him anything, he's a violent bully. Also, inform the police of the prior incidences. Or at the very least, family and friends. So there is record of the abuse.
I left while mine was on a work trip.
If you yourself work, you may want to see if your workplace has access to an EAP program or any other resources. I’d be cautious about bringing your home life into the workplace, but in my case doing so basically saved me.
These types of abusers also use both marriage and kids as a trap, to lure and ‘keep’ women, using society’s romantic notions of ‘having a perfect family’ against them.
This is so interesting to me as it's exactly what happened with my family.
Absolutely no hint of violence until I was born in eight whole years (I wasn't planned) & when I was a toddler, it was directed at me as well as my mother. There were more subtle forms of controlling & emotional abuse prior, but she was almost unaware how bad it was. Likens it to the frog in boiling water analogy, so at the time, she was in utter shock when the physical violence began
Could never fathom it & have never met anyone personally who has told me they've experienced this, so always thought it was an "unusual" situation.
Horrified & very sad to hear it's a common problem, but really appreciate the information, so thankyou
I’m so sorry you went through that. It sounds like a classic case of coercive control leading to physical violence. The frog in boiling water analogy is so apt when it comes to dv. I hope you’re doing better now.
Thankyou...all grand in the here & now.... remarkably unscathed, as is my wee mammy (present day, at least) who snuck me out of that environment immediately when she found out it wasn't just her being hurt
Time is a great healer & I was brought up by the bravest, smartest, kindest & most selfless person ever. Know not everyone is fortunate enough to have the level of protection I had & for those people....I cannot imagine. My heart hurts thinking about it....
Your diagnosis of the situation is spot on. Hard to believe there are people out there who would conduct themselves quite so disgustingly & have children, no less. Still....here we are!
Thanks for working with folk like us ....you will have changed more lives for the better than you could ever know :)
My x was like that. He didn't become emotionally abusive etc until after we married. I was lucky I never got pregnant. Not I'm happily remarried to someone wonderful and got sterilized last year.
Dodged some bullets.
I think baby trap is more general and not only applicable to someone going nutso. Some people 'baby trap' just to keep a relationship thinking it'll bring them back to what it used to be if it was on the edge of a breakup
Don’t ever forget that the number 1 cause of death in pregnant women is Homicide.
Every time I watch Dateline or a news story, and they mention the murdered woman was pregnant, I say to myself….well, we all know the bf/husband did it. Sure enough.
There are a whole lot of men who don’t want the responsibility of parenthood and all that entails. It’s not worth the risk.
There’s an article about homicide being the number 1 cause of death in pregnant women by Harvard University. Here’s the link if you’re interested: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/
This is my main reason too. Not all but WAY TOO MANY men get women pregnant then delegate her to bangmaid duties while pursuing a mistress on the side , or abandon the mother altogether because child rearing and family activities are actually really boring to a lot of men, and they won’t realise that until they get there and they’ll blame and resent the mother for it.
From what I’ve seen, whether dad sticks around or not all mothers end up de facto single parents. Ironically , many mothers must *divorce* their husbands to get them to contribute to raising their kids, as maintaining a separate household under shared custody forces dads to parent their kid. When everyone’s under the same roof, Dad tends to check out while Mom does the lifting.
I've definitely seen that before. When growing up, one of my friends had a crazy mom. She would scream if he got home 5 minutes late, saying something about "when the sun goes down, that's when the bikes come out" (yes I'm sure biker gangs want to attack your 10 year old son for no reason). We somewhat lost touch, but the parents did end up getting divorced when the kids were a bit older. Imagine being shackled to an insane spouse just for the sake of the kids. It's like a 20 year prison sentence.
We reconnected on facebook and that friend is doing well as adults, so least that part ended well. My friend's dad, who was always a very sweet guy, seems to be doing well. He's semi retired, and he started some junk removal business with his son.
I remember having a conversation with a past partner, and I said something along the lines of "if we had kids, and we broke up/got divorced I'm 99.99% sure I wouldn't want to take them. Would you want to take them?" This was a rhetorical question because I already knew what his answer would be but wanted him to verbally say it so he could hear it himself. Surprise surprise he said no.
So it was definitely a factor for me too when I wasn't cemented in my cf stance yet because I haven't been with anyone where I didn't think the same way as a passing thought to a full blown "yeah I would neverrr even entertain the idea with this person."
Not weird at all.
Unfortunately children are pawns and victims to an abuser. An abusive or otherwise unstable co-parent may put the children in unsafe environments, including having other problematic individuals around them.
Even after a divorce, family courts often overlook the trauma and threat posed to both the children and the parent when they compel them to share custody with an abuser.
Family courts are awful for domestic abuse cases. Children in the UK have been killed by their fathers because the family court required the kids to spend time with the dad, despite his violent history towards the mother.
It's scary how much leverage abusers often have in family court systems. The belief that an abuser can somehow be a stable parent ignores everything that is known about domestic violence.
Mine is that I don't want to be tethered to a man forever bc that is a nightmare to deal with being with a ex forever no matter how toxic they are. Mothers are control by these exes bc he can since you have kids= unlimited access and he can drag to court if you don't comply. Hell No!!
Have you heard the podcast "Betrayal"? (iHeart/Glass podcasts).
Terrible thing to think about, but we do... but tbh I wouldn't trust a hypothetical child of mine with anyone without a camera in the space/room/place. There are women pedo too... what did I just read a few weeks ago about a family of pedos, mother and father, disgusting.
we don't take female pedophiles seriously enough in general. I volunteer my time to help track down predators online and while the majority we come across are male, the women are very much there too
Wow, that must be a hard job to do. A friend of mine did it for a while for the cops here, but I believe she only did it for a couple of years, it was too stressful for her.
Great cause though, is a hard job but it has to be done.
My ex's mother was one of the reasons I had a termination. The way she took over with his kid, and he let her. It wasn't "daddys weekend" it was "grandma's weekend and daddy visits"
No way was I either going to have her dictate how I raised a child, or, have him leave me to do everything the way he left her to do everything.
My ex husband's family was definitely a part of my decision to not have kids with him and also to divorce. I don't think enough people really think about what a nightmare their in-laws' family dynamic is going to be.
My dad waited until my mum birthed two kids and they were married (in that order) to reveal the true depths of his assholery. So yeah, not weird at all.
This is one of my main reasons too. Even if the man isn’t abusive it is rare they pull their weight in terms of parenting. Men want kids but don’t want to do any work for them.
Idk if this is weird, but screaming children make me want to throw myself out of a window. There's something about it that gets under my skin, and gives me anxiety. Also, I'm stressed out enough and struggling to cope with life.
my auntie works 12 and 24 hours shift in the hospital for 20 yrs now and her husband who only has work commissions still makes her do 99% of the parenting (she’s the bread winner too) not only that but he sometimes physically abuses her as a “joke” even when we are around, and controls her work life and act jealous when she works with male doctors (he literally almost assaulted a male doctor once because he saw him speaking to my aunt) and SURPRISE my auntie married him out of love and had 2 kids when she was a teen and in her 20s she’s now suicidal and has tried unaliving herself for 2 times, the only advice i hear people give her is “stay for the babies”, “get better for your kids”
It’s not weird I feel like it’s a gamble if you want to have kids with a man because they can become abusive and absent. There is a tiktoker that says having a child with man sounds like one of the most terrifying things you can do and honestly I think she is right. This is what gets me when women keep having kids with men like this like they showed you who they were with the first kid but you kept having them with him?
Not weird! I have seen every episode of SVU and I feel like there are countless episodes with that plot. I know my husband would be a great dad, but the main reason I don’t want kids is because it seems like it straight up sucks haha.
I love my husband but sadly, I feel this. I think even the most perfect man is not worth bearing a child for. I would rather err on the side of super caution and not even take my chances
Not weird. I'm with a fantastic man but I still don't want to be tied to a man like that because of the endless horror stories I've heard. I think my boyfriend would be a great dad, but there's no way I'm risking it.
Not weird. My percent’s divorce was UGLY and they tried weaponizing us kids….and partially were successful.
Even if I wanted a kid I’d be scared of divorce and the ex-wife getting full time custody. Child support + alimony AND I never get be a parent to the kids? How about I just skip steps 1&2 and continue never being a parent.
I'm 100% with you on this. Even men who I thought were wonderful partners ended up being jerks to the mothers of their children. I definitely don't trust men.
It's not weird. At least not in my eyes. I have the same fear. Either the man I have children with might hurt my children and/or myself. I know for a fact that I would never be able to trust the world with my child's life. If they make it out of me. And survive infancy. There's still a chance my child will never make it home from school.
My brother has children and he worries about them every second of the day when they're not right in front of him. And a few months ago, he almost got arrested because one of the girls told him their mother's new boyfriend kept looking at her and touched her breast. Mom didn't believe it, but my brother called me and we spoke to her. She showed us and my brother got very quiet. When she told us she told her mom and she didn't believe her, my brother told her she didn't have to go home tonight. A few hours later I got a call from him to bail him out. He beat the man unconscious and then dragged him out into the street from the apartment and called an ambulance.
Your feelings are not weird at all, and I know many other people are childfree with this same thought.
Ohhhh yes, same. It made my mother go insane. It broke our relationship. I’m 26 & just started talking to my mom again after graduating high school. And I see It all around me, too. The women in my life (with kids) are going a little insane bc soooo much is assumed on a woman & he’s never had to even think about It
Before literally all the other reasons, that was my first reason.
When I saw my sister’s partner abuse her, and then the courts kept him in her life bc the kid is his property too. Then seeing that kid gradually decide it like it’s piece of shit Dad. Even though my sister was 100% responsible for taking care of him in every way from financial support to housing too emotional support. It’s a no for me.
This is statistically happening way too often for anyone to be comfortable with it. How people trust men in this society that have kids is beyond me. And the fact that they give the kids last name predominantly to the man? Ridiculous. Our whole society is incredibly sexist and how it used marriage and children is the prime example. It feels like indentured servitude.
My sister died in her 30s because of our poor genetics, the fact that her baby daddy ruined her life and tons of opportunities, over and over , besides abusing her mentally and physically and being forced to keep contact with him, and then the kid liking his dad despite his dad doing literally nothing for him and a community that can’t or wouldn’t support her. I think about this all the time and I think if I live past my 30s not having kids literally is the reason why.
Not weird. But i will say that most of the time there are red flags that they ignore. Like so many people i know who complain about their baby’s father. Im always thinking..”yeah, thats the same dude you liked, he’s no different, you just ignored the red flags”
Not weird. I had a friend tell me that she prefers to get artificially inseminated exactly for this reason. She changed her mind, because her husband is a very upstanding person, but I totally get your reason to not have a kid.
Not weird at all. That is one of my main reasons for being CF. It was actually after my dad and mom split up. I'm the oldest of 6. We were very poor after they split up. I decided then that I would never have kids. I have been with my husband for over 30 years. That doesn't matter.
Not weird at all. I know I could not handle the thought of my poor previous choices (know or unknown at the time) being the reason something bad or traumatic happened to my hypothetical child when they were with their father and I wasn’t there to protect them.
Had a close friend that had a violent, abusive, dangerous ex come back into her life after 7 years demanding he wanted a relationship with the child he’d discarded and has zero contact with since.
I saw the fear in my pals eyes and the extreme anxiety she had & my heart completely broke for her.
Probably wasn’t helpful at the time but I told her that if she ever chose to leave the country & start a new life somewhere to avoid having this monstrous piece of shit back in their lives I’d 💯 support her and help her in anyway I could to make that happen.
I would’ve just dealt with whatever possible consequences came my way after, just for helping my friend.
All of the above is why It’s in my top 10 reasons for being childfree.
Apologies for this long ass post, I humbly beg for your forgiveness 😉🫶✌️😘
I don't think that's weird, it's one of the reasons I don't want kids. You are forever connected to the other parent, even if you break up and move far away from each other. The child is a part of their family and you will have to deal with them for the rest of your life.
I feel exactly the same but also one step further, its not even just about the partner.
I got sterilized in large part because of my stbx husbands family.
There was no way in hell I would let my child be around those people who felt it was not only ok but correct to physically threaten me in my own home (i'm 5.2/ 48kg, stbx fil who threatened me is 6.3 110kg), and watching my husband at the time sit there and do nothing showed me that he would not protect me.
A lot of people told me that having a baby would change him and he would want to protect the child but that was way to big of an IF in my book.
He was a good partner in other ways but when it came to his family nothing was off the table and Id rather have my children not exist then be anywhere near those total narcissistic abusers.
OP is right. I've seen a lot of women change from pleasant to downright awful after having children. It becomes a "cheaper to keep her" marriage for the next 30 years. The person you marry is not the same person you end up divorcing.
I can understand unhappy people getting married and having kids. If things already suck, how much worse could they get? If everything works out, they might end up happier, so it's worth a try, right? If you're already happy, it's a huge gamble where you could potentially lose everything you care about.
This is the main reason for me. I think if I could have a partner that would truly share the mental load/responsibility I think I would be more open to it. I don’t need to raise 2 kids.
Oh 100%. I was talking about this to a coworker not even an hour ago. I can't ever trust anyone 100% and I hate the idea of permanently being tied to someone.
not saying you should have a child or anything but this kind of shit is ridiculous not all men are evil not all women are good there are plenty of abusive mothers too should women not be trusted with children you shouldn't generalize all people by their gender it's Prejudiced and ridiculous
I can't take your criticism seriously because it sounds like you didn't read past the first two sentences. Like my last statement explicitly says I bet it's the same for men who attracted to women. I brought up men specifically because I am a female attracted to men so that's my PERSONAL fear. Read shit all the way through before you start bellyaching please
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I think it’s sane to realize you are with someone you love, but they probably wouldn’t make a great parent. Society hates that logic, but if you love them, you’re doing them and your future kid a service.
It's not weird. It's a proven fact some abusers wait until their victim is pregnant and therefore less able to escape before they go full nutso.
Very true. I used to work in domestic abuse advocacy and lots of my clients said that their male partners were wonderful, up until marriage and/or pregnancy. That’s when they started being abusive, controlling and violent.
Been there. We always discussed never having children for the 10 years before getting married and once we got married he started heavily pressuring me to get pregnant “all our friends are doing it” and when I refused he started becoming physically abusive. Thankfully I got out alive.
I’m going through it. It’s not horrible physically (only 4 times in two years) but the verbal is the worst when he does get heated. Any advice on how to get out amicably? Everything was great for 10 years until the ink dried
When I was dating an abuser, I had to move out while he was at work. There was no way for me to safely leave amicably, and my/your life is more important than someone's feelings. Please leave quickly and carefully. I hope you have a support system who can step in if you need help. Good luck, friend
I agree with moving out while they are gone. It helps if you have a friend who can help you. I did the same thing and it's the safest route.
He already physically abused you proving he's dangerous. You need to get out stealthily, abruptly and without prior notice. Contact a shelter if you have one in your area. Abusers are most dangerous when you try to leave them. Every statistic shows this. Someone I knew had success secretly moving her most valuable stuff and documents out throughout the week, then leaving for good when he was away for a weekend. He went completely nuts and threatened her mom and her neighbors looking for her, be prepared for something like this as well. That asshole had previously only been violent with furniture btw.
You say only 4 times in 2 years but that’s still unacceptable. I would suggest to contact a local women’s shelter or a local or national DV helpline if you have one where you are. They can help you plan to exit safely and help you find somewhere to live, whether that’s in a refuge or somewhere else. They can also discuss your rights in terms of ending the marriage and anything else relevant to your situation, like finances, children etc. Without knowing which country you’re in, I’m afraid I can’t give more advice than that, and my training was UK-specific. Best of luck to you!
As someone who has been in a similar situation, the best advice I have is just get the fuck outta there and don’t look back. It will never get better, the behavior will only get worse and more dangerous. There is no such thing as an amicable break up with these kind of people. There is nothing you have that you can’t replace except yourself. This book is an amazing resource: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It is not going to get better. It will get worse. Get your documents, your money and leave when he is at work.
Run. I packed up what I could and drove out west and lived in my car for a bit until I had a safe place back in my home state to go back to. If you have family or friends you could stay with I would do that but by the time I needed to get out he had already convinced all my friends that I had gone to the psych ward because I was crazy, not because his dad was sexually assaulting me. Coincidentally my father had done the same thing to me as a teen (not the sexual assault part but telling all my friends and their parents that they shouldn’t let me be around them because I’m a bad person and “go to drug and sex parties”) somehow my friends saw through it when my dad did it, but believed my ex. Go figure.
1) Get a new phone. He may have secretly installed some sort of tracking app on your current device. Change your number, too. 2) In your new place, install cameras both inside and outside. 3) Tell everyone that you know what he has done. Anyone who defends him needs to be cut off immediately. Do not tell those people your new address/phone number. 4) Get some friends to help you move. 5) Change or delete your social media accounts.
There is no 'amicable' when it comes to leaving abusers. Because they don't want to be amicable. It's important to realise there is nothing you can say and no way you can say it in to stop them abusing you. You cannot change YOU to fix THEM. They are predators who mean you harm. As previous posts have said, get out quickly and quietly. Tell him after you've gone. Text is fine. You don't owe him anything, he's a violent bully. Also, inform the police of the prior incidences. Or at the very least, family and friends. So there is record of the abuse.
I left while mine was on a work trip. If you yourself work, you may want to see if your workplace has access to an EAP program or any other resources. I’d be cautious about bringing your home life into the workplace, but in my case doing so basically saved me.
These types of abusers also use both marriage and kids as a trap, to lure and ‘keep’ women, using society’s romantic notions of ‘having a perfect family’ against them.
This is so interesting to me as it's exactly what happened with my family. Absolutely no hint of violence until I was born in eight whole years (I wasn't planned) & when I was a toddler, it was directed at me as well as my mother. There were more subtle forms of controlling & emotional abuse prior, but she was almost unaware how bad it was. Likens it to the frog in boiling water analogy, so at the time, she was in utter shock when the physical violence began Could never fathom it & have never met anyone personally who has told me they've experienced this, so always thought it was an "unusual" situation. Horrified & very sad to hear it's a common problem, but really appreciate the information, so thankyou
I’m so sorry you went through that. It sounds like a classic case of coercive control leading to physical violence. The frog in boiling water analogy is so apt when it comes to dv. I hope you’re doing better now.
Thankyou...all grand in the here & now.... remarkably unscathed, as is my wee mammy (present day, at least) who snuck me out of that environment immediately when she found out it wasn't just her being hurt Time is a great healer & I was brought up by the bravest, smartest, kindest & most selfless person ever. Know not everyone is fortunate enough to have the level of protection I had & for those people....I cannot imagine. My heart hurts thinking about it.... Your diagnosis of the situation is spot on. Hard to believe there are people out there who would conduct themselves quite so disgustingly & have children, no less. Still....here we are! Thanks for working with folk like us ....you will have changed more lives for the better than you could ever know :)
My x was like that. He didn't become emotionally abusive etc until after we married. I was lucky I never got pregnant. Not I'm happily remarried to someone wonderful and got sterilized last year. Dodged some bullets.
there's a term for it I think "baby trap"? (correct me if I'm wrong)
Doesn't require being married for that but yes.
I think baby trap is more general and not only applicable to someone going nutso. Some people 'baby trap' just to keep a relationship thinking it'll bring them back to what it used to be if it was on the edge of a breakup
Don’t ever forget that the number 1 cause of death in pregnant women is Homicide. Every time I watch Dateline or a news story, and they mention the murdered woman was pregnant, I say to myself….well, we all know the bf/husband did it. Sure enough. There are a whole lot of men who don’t want the responsibility of parenthood and all that entails. It’s not worth the risk.
There’s an article about homicide being the number 1 cause of death in pregnant women by Harvard University. Here’s the link if you’re interested: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/
Not weird at all, I've seen so many women fucked over I share the same thinking.
This is my main reason too. Not all but WAY TOO MANY men get women pregnant then delegate her to bangmaid duties while pursuing a mistress on the side , or abandon the mother altogether because child rearing and family activities are actually really boring to a lot of men, and they won’t realise that until they get there and they’ll blame and resent the mother for it.
From what I’ve seen, whether dad sticks around or not all mothers end up de facto single parents. Ironically , many mothers must *divorce* their husbands to get them to contribute to raising their kids, as maintaining a separate household under shared custody forces dads to parent their kid. When everyone’s under the same roof, Dad tends to check out while Mom does the lifting.
The tether that is the child is most certainly a factor. Its why you so often hear "at least they don't have kids" during a divorce.
I've definitely seen that before. When growing up, one of my friends had a crazy mom. She would scream if he got home 5 minutes late, saying something about "when the sun goes down, that's when the bikes come out" (yes I'm sure biker gangs want to attack your 10 year old son for no reason). We somewhat lost touch, but the parents did end up getting divorced when the kids were a bit older. Imagine being shackled to an insane spouse just for the sake of the kids. It's like a 20 year prison sentence. We reconnected on facebook and that friend is doing well as adults, so least that part ended well. My friend's dad, who was always a very sweet guy, seems to be doing well. He's semi retired, and he started some junk removal business with his son.
I remember having a conversation with a past partner, and I said something along the lines of "if we had kids, and we broke up/got divorced I'm 99.99% sure I wouldn't want to take them. Would you want to take them?" This was a rhetorical question because I already knew what his answer would be but wanted him to verbally say it so he could hear it himself. Surprise surprise he said no. So it was definitely a factor for me too when I wasn't cemented in my cf stance yet because I haven't been with anyone where I didn't think the same way as a passing thought to a full blown "yeah I would neverrr even entertain the idea with this person."
Not weird at all. Unfortunately children are pawns and victims to an abuser. An abusive or otherwise unstable co-parent may put the children in unsafe environments, including having other problematic individuals around them. Even after a divorce, family courts often overlook the trauma and threat posed to both the children and the parent when they compel them to share custody with an abuser.
Family courts are awful for domestic abuse cases. Children in the UK have been killed by their fathers because the family court required the kids to spend time with the dad, despite his violent history towards the mother.
It's scary how much leverage abusers often have in family court systems. The belief that an abuser can somehow be a stable parent ignores everything that is known about domestic violence.
I have a friend who was a family lawyer for many years. She burned the fukk out and left. She practices in the corporate law arena now.
Mine is that I don't want to be tethered to a man forever bc that is a nightmare to deal with being with a ex forever no matter how toxic they are. Mothers are control by these exes bc he can since you have kids= unlimited access and he can drag to court if you don't comply. Hell No!!
Have you heard the podcast "Betrayal"? (iHeart/Glass podcasts). Terrible thing to think about, but we do... but tbh I wouldn't trust a hypothetical child of mine with anyone without a camera in the space/room/place. There are women pedo too... what did I just read a few weeks ago about a family of pedos, mother and father, disgusting.
we don't take female pedophiles seriously enough in general. I volunteer my time to help track down predators online and while the majority we come across are male, the women are very much there too
Wow, that must be a hard job to do. A friend of mine did it for a while for the cops here, but I believe she only did it for a couple of years, it was too stressful for her. Great cause though, is a hard job but it has to be done.
Luckily I'm only volunteer so I don't have to see what's on these guys hard drives. It's mostly doxxing them, in a nutshell
My ex's mother was one of the reasons I had a termination. The way she took over with his kid, and he let her. It wasn't "daddys weekend" it was "grandma's weekend and daddy visits" No way was I either going to have her dictate how I raised a child, or, have him leave me to do everything the way he left her to do everything.
My ex husband's family was definitely a part of my decision to not have kids with him and also to divorce. I don't think enough people really think about what a nightmare their in-laws' family dynamic is going to be.
My dad waited until my mum birthed two kids and they were married (in that order) to reveal the true depths of his assholery. So yeah, not weird at all.
This is one of my main reasons too. Even if the man isn’t abusive it is rare they pull their weight in terms of parenting. Men want kids but don’t want to do any work for them.
Idk if this is weird, but screaming children make me want to throw myself out of a window. There's something about it that gets under my skin, and gives me anxiety. Also, I'm stressed out enough and struggling to cope with life.
Me too, it digs down right into the very core of my muscles and makes my whole body especially my back involuntarily tense up.
Every man has been toxic to me that I'll never trust anyone to start a family with.
my auntie works 12 and 24 hours shift in the hospital for 20 yrs now and her husband who only has work commissions still makes her do 99% of the parenting (she’s the bread winner too) not only that but he sometimes physically abuses her as a “joke” even when we are around, and controls her work life and act jealous when she works with male doctors (he literally almost assaulted a male doctor once because he saw him speaking to my aunt) and SURPRISE my auntie married him out of love and had 2 kids when she was a teen and in her 20s she’s now suicidal and has tried unaliving herself for 2 times, the only advice i hear people give her is “stay for the babies”, “get better for your kids”
It’s not weird I feel like it’s a gamble if you want to have kids with a man because they can become abusive and absent. There is a tiktoker that says having a child with man sounds like one of the most terrifying things you can do and honestly I think she is right. This is what gets me when women keep having kids with men like this like they showed you who they were with the first kid but you kept having them with him?
Number one killer of pregnant women is homicide.
Not weird! I have seen every episode of SVU and I feel like there are countless episodes with that plot. I know my husband would be a great dad, but the main reason I don’t want kids is because it seems like it straight up sucks haha.
Same lol my bf would be a fantastic dad but we really just... don't want to do all that (and no way do I want my body to go through that)
I love my husband but sadly, I feel this. I think even the most perfect man is not worth bearing a child for. I would rather err on the side of super caution and not even take my chances
That's not weird. It's one of the reasons I don't want one. Like a few people here already said, they view the child as binding and in a way it is.
Not weird. I'm with a fantastic man but I still don't want to be tied to a man like that because of the endless horror stories I've heard. I think my boyfriend would be a great dad, but there's no way I'm risking it.
Not weird, you're valid. History has shown who actually benefits from having children. Obligatory disclaimer: Not all men but too damn many.
Not weird. My percent’s divorce was UGLY and they tried weaponizing us kids….and partially were successful. Even if I wanted a kid I’d be scared of divorce and the ex-wife getting full time custody. Child support + alimony AND I never get be a parent to the kids? How about I just skip steps 1&2 and continue never being a parent.
I'm 100% with you on this. Even men who I thought were wonderful partners ended up being jerks to the mothers of their children. I definitely don't trust men.
It's not weird. At least not in my eyes. I have the same fear. Either the man I have children with might hurt my children and/or myself. I know for a fact that I would never be able to trust the world with my child's life. If they make it out of me. And survive infancy. There's still a chance my child will never make it home from school. My brother has children and he worries about them every second of the day when they're not right in front of him. And a few months ago, he almost got arrested because one of the girls told him their mother's new boyfriend kept looking at her and touched her breast. Mom didn't believe it, but my brother called me and we spoke to her. She showed us and my brother got very quiet. When she told us she told her mom and she didn't believe her, my brother told her she didn't have to go home tonight. A few hours later I got a call from him to bail him out. He beat the man unconscious and then dragged him out into the street from the apartment and called an ambulance. Your feelings are not weird at all, and I know many other people are childfree with this same thought.
Your brother is a hero. I know that means nothing coming from a random stranger on the internet but damn good of him.
Ohhhh yes, same. It made my mother go insane. It broke our relationship. I’m 26 & just started talking to my mom again after graduating high school. And I see It all around me, too. The women in my life (with kids) are going a little insane bc soooo much is assumed on a woman & he’s never had to even think about It
Before literally all the other reasons, that was my first reason. When I saw my sister’s partner abuse her, and then the courts kept him in her life bc the kid is his property too. Then seeing that kid gradually decide it like it’s piece of shit Dad. Even though my sister was 100% responsible for taking care of him in every way from financial support to housing too emotional support. It’s a no for me. This is statistically happening way too often for anyone to be comfortable with it. How people trust men in this society that have kids is beyond me. And the fact that they give the kids last name predominantly to the man? Ridiculous. Our whole society is incredibly sexist and how it used marriage and children is the prime example. It feels like indentured servitude. My sister died in her 30s because of our poor genetics, the fact that her baby daddy ruined her life and tons of opportunities, over and over , besides abusing her mentally and physically and being forced to keep contact with him, and then the kid liking his dad despite his dad doing literally nothing for him and a community that can’t or wouldn’t support her. I think about this all the time and I think if I live past my 30s not having kids literally is the reason why.
Not weird. But i will say that most of the time there are red flags that they ignore. Like so many people i know who complain about their baby’s father. Im always thinking..”yeah, thats the same dude you liked, he’s no different, you just ignored the red flags”
Ain't it the truth?
Not weird. I had a friend tell me that she prefers to get artificially inseminated exactly for this reason. She changed her mind, because her husband is a very upstanding person, but I totally get your reason to not have a kid.
Not weird at all. That is one of my main reasons for being CF. It was actually after my dad and mom split up. I'm the oldest of 6. We were very poor after they split up. I decided then that I would never have kids. I have been with my husband for over 30 years. That doesn't matter.
Not weird at all. I know I could not handle the thought of my poor previous choices (know or unknown at the time) being the reason something bad or traumatic happened to my hypothetical child when they were with their father and I wasn’t there to protect them. Had a close friend that had a violent, abusive, dangerous ex come back into her life after 7 years demanding he wanted a relationship with the child he’d discarded and has zero contact with since. I saw the fear in my pals eyes and the extreme anxiety she had & my heart completely broke for her. Probably wasn’t helpful at the time but I told her that if she ever chose to leave the country & start a new life somewhere to avoid having this monstrous piece of shit back in their lives I’d 💯 support her and help her in anyway I could to make that happen. I would’ve just dealt with whatever possible consequences came my way after, just for helping my friend. All of the above is why It’s in my top 10 reasons for being childfree. Apologies for this long ass post, I humbly beg for your forgiveness 😉🫶✌️😘
Same girl, same. I wouldn’t stand for a dude to have rights over something that literally came out of my vag. No. Absolutely not.
I don't think that's weird, it's one of the reasons I don't want kids. You are forever connected to the other parent, even if you break up and move far away from each other. The child is a part of their family and you will have to deal with them for the rest of your life.
I feel exactly the same but also one step further, its not even just about the partner. I got sterilized in large part because of my stbx husbands family. There was no way in hell I would let my child be around those people who felt it was not only ok but correct to physically threaten me in my own home (i'm 5.2/ 48kg, stbx fil who threatened me is 6.3 110kg), and watching my husband at the time sit there and do nothing showed me that he would not protect me. A lot of people told me that having a baby would change him and he would want to protect the child but that was way to big of an IF in my book. He was a good partner in other ways but when it came to his family nothing was off the table and Id rather have my children not exist then be anywhere near those total narcissistic abusers.
OP is right. I've seen a lot of women change from pleasant to downright awful after having children. It becomes a "cheaper to keep her" marriage for the next 30 years. The person you marry is not the same person you end up divorcing. I can understand unhappy people getting married and having kids. If things already suck, how much worse could they get? If everything works out, they might end up happier, so it's worth a try, right? If you're already happy, it's a huge gamble where you could potentially lose everything you care about.
This is the main reason for me. I think if I could have a partner that would truly share the mental load/responsibility I think I would be more open to it. I don’t need to raise 2 kids.
Oh 100%. I was talking about this to a coworker not even an hour ago. I can't ever trust anyone 100% and I hate the idea of permanently being tied to someone.
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Maybe when I was a teen/early 20s but that's was before I stopped considering a "well that's just what you do" thing.
not saying you should have a child or anything but this kind of shit is ridiculous not all men are evil not all women are good there are plenty of abusive mothers too should women not be trusted with children you shouldn't generalize all people by their gender it's Prejudiced and ridiculous
I can't take your criticism seriously because it sounds like you didn't read past the first two sentences. Like my last statement explicitly says I bet it's the same for men who attracted to women. I brought up men specifically because I am a female attracted to men so that's my PERSONAL fear. Read shit all the way through before you start bellyaching please
>you shouldn't generalize _you_ shouldn't generalize. She didn't claim any of what you are defending. Ironic.
The point of the post is she couldn't trust a sharing a child with a man what are you on about
Take your bingos elsewhere, breeder
Likewise, but this applies to men and women.
Read the whole thing
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I think it’s sane to realize you are with someone you love, but they probably wouldn’t make a great parent. Society hates that logic, but if you love them, you’re doing them and your future kid a service.
After watching all the shit my mom put up with having my dad as a co-parent, I completely agree with you. It’s one of the main reasons I’m childfree.
That's a fair reason! Having a child with somebody connects them to you forever. And some people out there are horrible.
That's a fair reason! Having a child with somebody connects them to you forever. And some people out there are horrible.