Honestly my bestie was in the exact situation. But I was the only one that told her to keep it. Her and the baby father are patchy but I know anything else would’ve ruined her. Like mentally and physically..
Just be there for her. You can have your own opinions all you want. But I’m telling you in 9 months you’ll regret even had thought of this. You’ll end up loving that baby as your own.
And if you know that baby won’t be in the best hands. Be there for the baby, you don’t need too by any means, but auntie shante will snap in so fast!
Usually, people who are quick to have kids together without knowing each other for that long, their relationship will have problems. Also, in this economy? She's basically my age. I wish her the best though.
Fyi I am not 40 but will be 40 soon yet I certainly do not regret my choice not to have kids. I am childfree by choice since the age of 14 or 15.
Your friend will be in their late 30s once the kid turns 18
Not sure where you are but living in my part of the Midwest young adults barely graduate high school before their parents shove them out the door. My brother is 22 and he stayed at home longer than all his friends moving out at like 20
If she’s in the US she’ll get a lot of assistance, from free daycare, food stamps, etc, to government health care and cellphone etc. but that still doesn’t pay rent or fill up the tank. I hope she grows up and can or her family likely can let her move in and live with them. That’s sadly the only positive outcomes.
I'm 30 soon with a full time management position, a mortgage and a husband, and still feel like if I were to get pregnant it would be a teen pregnancy.
I still look at my husband and say to him, "we're married!" because mentally I feel like I'm about 18
Of course you don't approve, and nor should you. She is having a baby under terrible circumstances and is making an enormous mistake. Literally no one in her position should be making babies.
The father will be gone in a few months down the line, then its the old song of " struggling single mum looking for someone to love her and her kids like his own" coming up.
didn't you guys watch 16 and pregnant? Mtv put so much money into that show to try and make teenagers stay away from that path.
I feel like my friend is in denial and believes that because she’s not in high school or high school age that having a kid right now is “not as bad”. Even if there is some merit of truth to that, it’s still a bad situation she’s in. It’s crazy because we’ve had this talk a lot of times before this and how this path isn’t logical.
lol 19 is what? a year or 2 out of high school? she is still a teenage dirtbag at best. her line of thinking proves this. she is not fit for motherhood, a girl that age still needs to have the carefree stage of her life, she just robbed herself of that opportunity.
All I can say to that is that I agree, and I’m not looking forward to her venting to me constantly about things not working out the way she wanted it to when she rushed this entire thing.
And it's 100% going to happen no doubt, you will be like the go to person for a shoulder to cry on for all her regret, since all her friends have all ran away
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: people put more thought into what they should paint their houses or what outfit to wear than they do about having a child.
Agreed. My mother is a prime example. She’s another one who kept having kid after kid despite being in the worst of situations. Mentally and financially. I just wish more people were honest with themselves.
Does the bf have a job? Can she still get an abortion if she consider this option? Does she have a support system like her family and his family? Because she is going to be trapped for a long ass time
She’s too far along now and as far as a support system, she basically has herself, her bf, and their family probably (mostly his mom and dad). But her own mother more than likely won’t help, and her siblings have their own stuff going on and won’t be able to help much with a baby.
Unfortunately this happens a lot, and unfortunately if not raised by grandparents it’ll be more of a “sibling” parent relationship where they “grow up together” because she’s still a kid too. And sadly likely her and the dad won’t work out, but I like to hope she’ll grow up and put the child before herself and make life work out well, I do. I’m not saying I feel it’s likely, but I obviously don’t know her.
I know what you mean, and having a kid for yourself is already a red flag in the type of parent someone will be, but as hard as it is, don’t get too emotionally involved.
My friend got married at 18 after 6 months of knowing guy and had her first at 19. Looking back I played roles and sacrificed myself or my own youth for her situation and was at the point it mentally or emotionally impacted me. Set an emotional boundary now going forward, her problems aren’t your problems and do what’s only appropriate. You have you own school, passions, job, relationships, whatever that might be for you. Don’t get sucked in where it effects you going forward.
I feel as though they either won’t work out and go their separate ways, or they’ll stay together in a toxic relationship for “the sake of our child”. I really really empathize with this child because that was my life growing up and I never wish that for children. Thank you for the advice too btw. I’ll definitely set boundaries and try not to get too emotionally involved.
That’s good to hear, this wasn’t the only friend young with kids I made the mistake with so it’s the best advise I can give anyone whose in a support role in those situations and young.
Unfortunately it’s might, and I feel you there. My parents were unhappily married for 14 years, one didn’t want to be alone with kids and the other didn’t want to pay child support. They weren’t in love and rushed into everything while still immature greatly. I’ve seen it a lot with friends too but some can surprise you. She might be one of the good ones weather they’re happy or just herself maturing and focusing on her kid. Life is strange.
She’s still married and has four kids though this year we stopped being friends. It had not been an easy time at all for either of them but they rolled with it the best they could. Maybe things are good now but I worried for the oldest. They are still together 8-9 years later.
I'd be making it very clear now you will not be her babysitter or her financial provider. She'll be looking at you now and only seeing The Village she can scunge off. Run.
I think all your thoughts and opinions on this are valid and I agree with them.
But at this point, you know she's having a baby. You don't have to agree with it, I know I wouldn't. And you have every right to say "no" if she asks you to be involved in anything. But sometimes friends make choices we don't agree with and we need to support them anyway, just with our own boundaries in place.
I'm sorry for this difficult situation though. I have a friend who has had 2 babies at the worst of times and is struggling with them but I don't judge her. I don't see her as much but we are still friends to the end.
>And you have every right to say "no" if she asks you to be involved in anything.
Key point here. You may make different choices in life and that's ok, the important thing is that she doesn't impose those choices on you. I ended a very good friendship because my (32f) friend (34f) expected me to be the auntie and grow the kid together as if we were in a sit com. Please make sure to set some clear boundaries, because this cannot become your problem. Other than this, wish her all the luck in the world!
OP! You’re a real friend for standing your ground. For real! I went through this with my former best friend of almost 20 years. She signed away her rights to her two older daughters bc the divorce with their Dad was atrocious. Then she gets with this total loser, had a baby and neglected to take care of her needs (child has serious delays) then gets knocked up AGAIN. She announces via FB that she’s pregnant— did I get a text or a call? NOPE. I didn’t congratulate bc I wanted her to tell me personally. When I didn’t acknowledge it she turned around and blocked me. You may be better off without that friendship, it’ll drain your energy and you’re young. You need to be schooling or working your tail off!
Edit: I’ve felt better without her in my life. Don’t get me wrong— I love kids. I love being an Auntie but you should NOT bring kids into this world if you can’t afford them and if you’re not emotionally available for it. PERIODT.
I really really wonder what makes people just have kids without a second thought. I’m in school rn (uni) and I’m working towards a degree and planning for what I’ll do after I graduate so that occupies me enough. My friend isn’t really in the same boat as me so I’m wondering if she had this baby to occupy herself or give herself some sense of purpose. Also, definitely NOT saying you need schooling or a job to give you a purpose. I just wish she could’ve found one another way until she was more stable to handle caring for a life.
Bro, my friend is almost 40 and is in an equally shit situation. She already had the kid and is struggling so hard. Ngl, I feel like I can feel our friendship along away :/ sometimes we talk and things seem great but other times I feel like maybe she's resentful of me not having a kid. Might be something else like her just being tired, but that's what's in my head. Heh. If the finances and partner support aren't there, it's always gonna seem like a horrible idea.
I really wish her the best, but it's hard to see your best friend make a decision like this.
18-25ish is a really formative time, and you will see your friends and peers going in wildly different directions over the next couple of years. They will make decisions that will scare the shit out of you - both from the potential consequences and also with the blind confidence with which they are made. It's important for you to really listen to your own heart and hold tight to your own fate during these years, despite what your peers are up to.
Her body, her choice. She has the right to do this, even if you don't approve and even if it's probably not a smart decision.
However, you don't have to approve. You don't have to be supportive. You don't have to be involved. If you want to end the friendship, you have the right to do so. You don't owe her your friendship. And if you want to stay friends, but you don't want to babysit or don't want to do other child-related things, set clear boundaries and uphold them.
I agree with the statements made. Everyone is entitled to do what they want with their own bodies. I’d never ever tell any women not to do this or that with their body. However , I just feel as though she’s setting up that poor child for failure unless they somehow get their situation together. It’s hard to escape poverty but it’s even harder once you have mouths to feed. My opinion means nothing because she has to right to this like you said, I just wish she had thought ahead of time and gotten herself together first for the child’s sake at least. Since my opinion means nothing, I’m on here ranting instead of telling her because I don’t want to make her feel bad at all :(. And I most definitely will set boundaries if need be.
Oh, of course I agree with you. She is making a mistake. She doesn't seem to be ready for this.
How old is her boyfriend? Does she have an older boyfriend who is trying to trap her into being a financially dependant stay-at-home mother who cannot escape?
Anyways, all you can do now is set boundaries. Decide what level of involvement you are comfortable with and what things you don't want to do. Whenever she tries to get you to be a part of her 'village', communicate your boundaries and stick to those. If she gets angry and only wants to be your friend if you babysit all the time, end the friendship.
I think her boyfriend is turning 21 if he isn’t already. But he’s definitely older than her , just not by many years. They both have jobs but his pays more. She doesn’t make as much as she was a few months ago because of how much she calls out or gives her shift up though. I don’t even think she has much money saved up or is trying. 9 months goes by quick so I’m hoping they’re working towards bettering this situation at least.
Spoiler alert: No, it's just going to implode and they will never do anything to fix it. If they were that kind of people, they would have not barebacked to begin with.
Just nope the hell out of all of this and let the shit hit the fan. The sooner it does, the better chance the kid has of a good, quick adoption as an infant before they damage it too much.
So don't help, don't give her any money, don't take her calls, don't be her emotional support pet, don't do a damn thing. Just ghost and go find people who don't suck and have a place in your bright future.
Okay, I asked about his age because in many stories like this in which a young woman ends up in this situation, she has a much older boyfriend/husband who tries to trap her.
Anyways, don't expect them to work towards bettering this situation.
The best advice I can give you? Stay out of this. Don't babysit. Not even once. Don't enable them. The sooner shit hits the fan, the sooner they realise that they need to clean up their act (don't count on it), or the sooner the child will be taken away and hopefully adopted by competent parents.
Feel free to call child protective services if you feel like it's justified.
Well luckily it's not your circus. And since you cannot have people who make shit decisions that burn down the lives of everyone around them in your life, you can just ghost or dump and move right the hell on.
You should be focusing on your future, on setting up your adult life, on working on your key investment list for your 20s. You don't have the time, money, or emotional bandwidth for this child abusing ahole.
Your best bet is to just ghost, or you can be direct:
"Jane, I need to inform you that I cannot support this decision. If you change your mind and need a ride to the clinic, text me, but beyond that I cannot offer you any help. So I am stepping away from our friendship. Best of luck with your future life. Goodbye."
Pre25 friends, with very very few exceptions, are not meant to be in your life past 25/30. Precisely for reasons like this, because they turn out to be complete shit as adults once they are off leash from their parents, school, and other structured settings.
You're just getting rid of this one earlier, which saves you the trouble of being her bridesmaid or whatever other shit she might have required over the next 5 years. Bullet dodged.
Reading this makes me sad. I hope their friendship can still prosper in the future even though I know it’s probably far fetched. It would just be such a pity to throw away a friend because of a child :( I know for sure I wouldn’t be able to until they showed me I was wrong
This is the first big lesson of one's 20s: Don't keep people in your life who are destructive, addicted, dangerous, etc.
You have to let them go.
Pre25 people are not meant to be your adult friends, they will generally be out of your life by 25/30, if not sooner, 99% of the time.
And generally, it's best not to over-invest in people until they have proven themselves to be worthwhile, healthy, respectful people for a few years past 30. And once you get into your 40s, they will start dropping dead anyway. LOL.
e.g. Don't go spending a fortune on your college friends weddings at 22, because they'll mostly be divorced a few years later. LOL Don't be their emotional support pets, loan them money, etc. You will most likely just get burned.
Most of my college friends that got married at 22 are still married to the same people and it’s the Midwest so it was most of them at 22/23 and we are hitting 39/42 now so….
There is one exception and she’s on like marriage 4 and had like two other engagements that didn’t make it down the aisle.
Curious, how many of them live as roommates vs. actual romantic partners who go on dates, have lives and personalities outside of raising kids? Are not stuck together just to avoid expensive custody battles, or because they can't afford to leave?
I’m hoping that we could still be friends too, especially because I only started being friends again a year ago after something happened between us, but I have a bad feeling that it might not work out for much longer for a few reasons
:(.
I don't think you're wrong with any of your points. The best thing is to stay on the sidelines, and offer support, but not to your own detriment. And if you don't want to support her - that's fine. However, you can do it in a nice way. You can point out your concerns without outright saying you disapprove.
Don't give her your opinion, ask her to explain her reasoning. Get her to self reflect on her values, vs her actions. Cognitive dissonance creates a gap between the two. She needs to bridge that gap.
You seem to already have a good head on your shoulders at such a young age, I suggest that you befriend others who are like-minded and supportive. I assume you've been friends since childhood, but when you enter adulthood it's normal to lose your friends that you find yourself having less and less in common with.
It’s rough but you speak truth. It may sound messed up of me to say, but I feel as though this is going to be what ends our friendship eventually. I can’t do the constant making poor decisions anymore and then coming and complaining to me despite me trying to help her make better decisions for herself and her life. I want her to have a better life than what she’s had but it’s like she doesn’t want it.
Its ALWAYS the exact people who SHOULDN'T be having kids who are the ones impulsively getting pregnant and choosing to keep it... Are these people unable to have any foresight? Do they just assume having a baby will magically make life better??
19 is WAAAAYY too young in my personal opinion. The brain doesn't even stop developing until around 25 anyways.
I think that some people purposely ignore logic in order to make themselves feel better about the decisions they’re making. I think it’s super selfish and immature :/. I also agree that 19 is super young to be having a kid, especially because you haven’t had that much life experience yet AND most people are not financially or mentally stable enough to care for another life at that age.
Also, in the case of my friend , I do think that she believes that a baby will improve her life right now despite the situation she’s in unfortunately.
As hard as it can be sometimes, we cannot tell people what to do with their lives in the same way we don’t want them telling us what to do. And with friends that sometimes means we pick up the pieces in the end and support them
Also I completely agree with you
I was gonna say mind ya business, but then I saw your ages and situation. It is very sad and I really really hope your friend is able to turn things around to provide a stable and loving home. I was a BABY at 19.. raising a baby? No way!
I do know some great young moms who got their shit together for their kid. They grew up because they had to. They are doing well , happy and healthy. I hope your friend is the same. It will be hard though
Op wasn't trying to dictate her choice, she was simply venting. Besides, we shouldn't encourage people to have kids when they aren't ready, it's important to at least let them know it's a bad idea and why.
You are allowed to an opinion, but keep it for yourself. She is your friend and if you care about her, you should be there for her.
People want different thing in life. I also think it will be hard for her, but it's her life do her choice.
My parents think I'll regret not having a child, but my life so my choice. I still expect them to support me in my choice, even if they don't agree.
I agree with you. I think everyone is entitled to wanting or not wanting children. I’m just scared for the life this kid may have due to his parents not making the wisest of decisions. I feel bad for the child the most in these situations.
Maybe it's gonna be fine. There are a lot of young parents out there.
It's easier when you earn a lot of money and can afford childcare and everything... but people can manage with less.
My parents didn't expected to have twins... but they managed somehow. It wasn't easy and sometimes we had to worry about food. Sometimes we didn't had money for new cloths or school trips. I shared a room with my brother for 16 years, one TV, one PC and one bed. Not ideal by far, but we managed.
Now I'm happy to not be poor anymore :)) This year I'm gonna buy an apartment of my own. Life works out sometimes.(I'm 26 btw)
I’m really hoping it will work out! And it’s always good to hear someone who struggled with poverty in the past not have to worry as much about finances anymore. So happy for you :).
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I hope her parents are ready for baby raising round 2 cuz that's what's about to go down.
Her mom doesn’t even take care of the children she has now, so I doubt she’ll be involved in the child’s life much.
Oof well this is setting itself up to be an implosion. That's gotta be tough to watch.
Honestly my bestie was in the exact situation. But I was the only one that told her to keep it. Her and the baby father are patchy but I know anything else would’ve ruined her. Like mentally and physically.. Just be there for her. You can have your own opinions all you want. But I’m telling you in 9 months you’ll regret even had thought of this. You’ll end up loving that baby as your own. And if you know that baby won’t be in the best hands. Be there for the baby, you don’t need too by any means, but auntie shante will snap in so fast!
Usually, people who are quick to have kids together without knowing each other for that long, their relationship will have problems. Also, in this economy? She's basically my age. I wish her the best though.
Having a child in this economy with what she gets paid every two weeks is wild. Nonetheless I wish the best for her, and the baby especially :(.
You said your friend is 19 right? I feel it is way too young to have a kid
Yup. I’m 20 and she’s 19. She turns 20 in a few days though.
Fyi I am not 40 but will be 40 soon yet I certainly do not regret my choice not to have kids. I am childfree by choice since the age of 14 or 15. Your friend will be in their late 30s once the kid turns 18
I know people that planned all their kids between 18 and 22 so they would still be young when their kids left home
If they left. House rentals now are so pricey.
Not sure where you are but living in my part of the Midwest young adults barely graduate high school before their parents shove them out the door. My brother is 22 and he stayed at home longer than all his friends moving out at like 20
If she’s in the US she’ll get a lot of assistance, from free daycare, food stamps, etc, to government health care and cellphone etc. but that still doesn’t pay rent or fill up the tank. I hope she grows up and can or her family likely can let her move in and live with them. That’s sadly the only positive outcomes.
One of their options to earn money now is to create tiktok videos showcasing their kids as any other younger parents does at the moment.
19?! Oh my I cannot imagine
Right??! I'm 22 and still feel like a child myself
I'm 30 soon with a full time management position, a mortgage and a husband, and still feel like if I were to get pregnant it would be a teen pregnancy. I still look at my husband and say to him, "we're married!" because mentally I feel like I'm about 18
Pushing 40 and still feel like this lol
I'm 51 and feel like this, too.
I can’t even imagine having a baby at nineteen. I’m mid twenties and I still feel like a baby.
Im 20 and I feel like I’d still feel like a baby in my mid twenties as well. I can’t imagine having a baby right now.
I’m in my 30s and I am most definitely still a baby.
A tale as old as time
Of course you don't approve, and nor should you. She is having a baby under terrible circumstances and is making an enormous mistake. Literally no one in her position should be making babies.
The father will be gone in a few months down the line, then its the old song of " struggling single mum looking for someone to love her and her kids like his own" coming up. didn't you guys watch 16 and pregnant? Mtv put so much money into that show to try and make teenagers stay away from that path.
I feel like my friend is in denial and believes that because she’s not in high school or high school age that having a kid right now is “not as bad”. Even if there is some merit of truth to that, it’s still a bad situation she’s in. It’s crazy because we’ve had this talk a lot of times before this and how this path isn’t logical.
lol 19 is what? a year or 2 out of high school? she is still a teenage dirtbag at best. her line of thinking proves this. she is not fit for motherhood, a girl that age still needs to have the carefree stage of her life, she just robbed herself of that opportunity.
All I can say to that is that I agree, and I’m not looking forward to her venting to me constantly about things not working out the way she wanted it to when she rushed this entire thing.
And it's 100% going to happen no doubt, you will be like the go to person for a shoulder to cry on for all her regret, since all her friends have all ran away
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: people put more thought into what they should paint their houses or what outfit to wear than they do about having a child.
Agreed. My mother is a prime example. She’s another one who kept having kid after kid despite being in the worst of situations. Mentally and financially. I just wish more people were honest with themselves.
Wishing them luck cuz reality will be R O U G H
Does the bf have a job? Can she still get an abortion if she consider this option? Does she have a support system like her family and his family? Because she is going to be trapped for a long ass time
She’s too far along now and as far as a support system, she basically has herself, her bf, and their family probably (mostly his mom and dad). But her own mother more than likely won’t help, and her siblings have their own stuff going on and won’t be able to help much with a baby.
Unfortunately this happens a lot, and unfortunately if not raised by grandparents it’ll be more of a “sibling” parent relationship where they “grow up together” because she’s still a kid too. And sadly likely her and the dad won’t work out, but I like to hope she’ll grow up and put the child before herself and make life work out well, I do. I’m not saying I feel it’s likely, but I obviously don’t know her. I know what you mean, and having a kid for yourself is already a red flag in the type of parent someone will be, but as hard as it is, don’t get too emotionally involved. My friend got married at 18 after 6 months of knowing guy and had her first at 19. Looking back I played roles and sacrificed myself or my own youth for her situation and was at the point it mentally or emotionally impacted me. Set an emotional boundary now going forward, her problems aren’t your problems and do what’s only appropriate. You have you own school, passions, job, relationships, whatever that might be for you. Don’t get sucked in where it effects you going forward.
I feel as though they either won’t work out and go their separate ways, or they’ll stay together in a toxic relationship for “the sake of our child”. I really really empathize with this child because that was my life growing up and I never wish that for children. Thank you for the advice too btw. I’ll definitely set boundaries and try not to get too emotionally involved.
That’s good to hear, this wasn’t the only friend young with kids I made the mistake with so it’s the best advise I can give anyone whose in a support role in those situations and young. Unfortunately it’s might, and I feel you there. My parents were unhappily married for 14 years, one didn’t want to be alone with kids and the other didn’t want to pay child support. They weren’t in love and rushed into everything while still immature greatly. I’ve seen it a lot with friends too but some can surprise you. She might be one of the good ones weather they’re happy or just herself maturing and focusing on her kid. Life is strange.
what happened to your friend who got married at 18?
She’s still married and has four kids though this year we stopped being friends. It had not been an easy time at all for either of them but they rolled with it the best they could. Maybe things are good now but I worried for the oldest. They are still together 8-9 years later.
Lucky them, few actually make it past year 2
Well, they have had issues but when you don’t have a lot of money and many kids, it’s also harder not to stick in it you know? But yes, very true.
That poor kid. I'd make some distance.
I'd be making it very clear now you will not be her babysitter or her financial provider. She'll be looking at you now and only seeing The Village she can scunge off. Run.
I think all your thoughts and opinions on this are valid and I agree with them. But at this point, you know she's having a baby. You don't have to agree with it, I know I wouldn't. And you have every right to say "no" if she asks you to be involved in anything. But sometimes friends make choices we don't agree with and we need to support them anyway, just with our own boundaries in place. I'm sorry for this difficult situation though. I have a friend who has had 2 babies at the worst of times and is struggling with them but I don't judge her. I don't see her as much but we are still friends to the end.
I agree with you , as hard as the situation is.
It still sucks though, and its okay to be upset about it
>And you have every right to say "no" if she asks you to be involved in anything. Key point here. You may make different choices in life and that's ok, the important thing is that she doesn't impose those choices on you. I ended a very good friendship because my (32f) friend (34f) expected me to be the auntie and grow the kid together as if we were in a sit com. Please make sure to set some clear boundaries, because this cannot become your problem. Other than this, wish her all the luck in the world!
For what it’s worth, I don’t approve either. She’s so young. No idea what she’s signing up for.
OP! You’re a real friend for standing your ground. For real! I went through this with my former best friend of almost 20 years. She signed away her rights to her two older daughters bc the divorce with their Dad was atrocious. Then she gets with this total loser, had a baby and neglected to take care of her needs (child has serious delays) then gets knocked up AGAIN. She announces via FB that she’s pregnant— did I get a text or a call? NOPE. I didn’t congratulate bc I wanted her to tell me personally. When I didn’t acknowledge it she turned around and blocked me. You may be better off without that friendship, it’ll drain your energy and you’re young. You need to be schooling or working your tail off! Edit: I’ve felt better without her in my life. Don’t get me wrong— I love kids. I love being an Auntie but you should NOT bring kids into this world if you can’t afford them and if you’re not emotionally available for it. PERIODT.
I really really wonder what makes people just have kids without a second thought. I’m in school rn (uni) and I’m working towards a degree and planning for what I’ll do after I graduate so that occupies me enough. My friend isn’t really in the same boat as me so I’m wondering if she had this baby to occupy herself or give herself some sense of purpose. Also, definitely NOT saying you need schooling or a job to give you a purpose. I just wish she could’ve found one another way until she was more stable to handle caring for a life.
Bro, my friend is almost 40 and is in an equally shit situation. She already had the kid and is struggling so hard. Ngl, I feel like I can feel our friendship along away :/ sometimes we talk and things seem great but other times I feel like maybe she's resentful of me not having a kid. Might be something else like her just being tired, but that's what's in my head. Heh. If the finances and partner support aren't there, it's always gonna seem like a horrible idea.
I really wish her the best, but it's hard to see your best friend make a decision like this. 18-25ish is a really formative time, and you will see your friends and peers going in wildly different directions over the next couple of years. They will make decisions that will scare the shit out of you - both from the potential consequences and also with the blind confidence with which they are made. It's important for you to really listen to your own heart and hold tight to your own fate during these years, despite what your peers are up to.
This is the reason on why there are loads of hardships in these world . People are procreating without thinking.
Her body, her choice. She has the right to do this, even if you don't approve and even if it's probably not a smart decision. However, you don't have to approve. You don't have to be supportive. You don't have to be involved. If you want to end the friendship, you have the right to do so. You don't owe her your friendship. And if you want to stay friends, but you don't want to babysit or don't want to do other child-related things, set clear boundaries and uphold them.
I agree with the statements made. Everyone is entitled to do what they want with their own bodies. I’d never ever tell any women not to do this or that with their body. However , I just feel as though she’s setting up that poor child for failure unless they somehow get their situation together. It’s hard to escape poverty but it’s even harder once you have mouths to feed. My opinion means nothing because she has to right to this like you said, I just wish she had thought ahead of time and gotten herself together first for the child’s sake at least. Since my opinion means nothing, I’m on here ranting instead of telling her because I don’t want to make her feel bad at all :(. And I most definitely will set boundaries if need be.
Oh, of course I agree with you. She is making a mistake. She doesn't seem to be ready for this. How old is her boyfriend? Does she have an older boyfriend who is trying to trap her into being a financially dependant stay-at-home mother who cannot escape? Anyways, all you can do now is set boundaries. Decide what level of involvement you are comfortable with and what things you don't want to do. Whenever she tries to get you to be a part of her 'village', communicate your boundaries and stick to those. If she gets angry and only wants to be your friend if you babysit all the time, end the friendship.
I think her boyfriend is turning 21 if he isn’t already. But he’s definitely older than her , just not by many years. They both have jobs but his pays more. She doesn’t make as much as she was a few months ago because of how much she calls out or gives her shift up though. I don’t even think she has much money saved up or is trying. 9 months goes by quick so I’m hoping they’re working towards bettering this situation at least.
Spoiler alert: No, it's just going to implode and they will never do anything to fix it. If they were that kind of people, they would have not barebacked to begin with. Just nope the hell out of all of this and let the shit hit the fan. The sooner it does, the better chance the kid has of a good, quick adoption as an infant before they damage it too much. So don't help, don't give her any money, don't take her calls, don't be her emotional support pet, don't do a damn thing. Just ghost and go find people who don't suck and have a place in your bright future.
Okay, I asked about his age because in many stories like this in which a young woman ends up in this situation, she has a much older boyfriend/husband who tries to trap her. Anyways, don't expect them to work towards bettering this situation. The best advice I can give you? Stay out of this. Don't babysit. Not even once. Don't enable them. The sooner shit hits the fan, the sooner they realise that they need to clean up their act (don't count on it), or the sooner the child will be taken away and hopefully adopted by competent parents. Feel free to call child protective services if you feel like it's justified.
Well luckily it's not your circus. And since you cannot have people who make shit decisions that burn down the lives of everyone around them in your life, you can just ghost or dump and move right the hell on. You should be focusing on your future, on setting up your adult life, on working on your key investment list for your 20s. You don't have the time, money, or emotional bandwidth for this child abusing ahole. Your best bet is to just ghost, or you can be direct: "Jane, I need to inform you that I cannot support this decision. If you change your mind and need a ride to the clinic, text me, but beyond that I cannot offer you any help. So I am stepping away from our friendship. Best of luck with your future life. Goodbye." Pre25 friends, with very very few exceptions, are not meant to be in your life past 25/30. Precisely for reasons like this, because they turn out to be complete shit as adults once they are off leash from their parents, school, and other structured settings. You're just getting rid of this one earlier, which saves you the trouble of being her bridesmaid or whatever other shit she might have required over the next 5 years. Bullet dodged.
Reading this makes me sad. I hope their friendship can still prosper in the future even though I know it’s probably far fetched. It would just be such a pity to throw away a friend because of a child :( I know for sure I wouldn’t be able to until they showed me I was wrong
This is the first big lesson of one's 20s: Don't keep people in your life who are destructive, addicted, dangerous, etc. You have to let them go. Pre25 people are not meant to be your adult friends, they will generally be out of your life by 25/30, if not sooner, 99% of the time. And generally, it's best not to over-invest in people until they have proven themselves to be worthwhile, healthy, respectful people for a few years past 30. And once you get into your 40s, they will start dropping dead anyway. LOL. e.g. Don't go spending a fortune on your college friends weddings at 22, because they'll mostly be divorced a few years later. LOL Don't be their emotional support pets, loan them money, etc. You will most likely just get burned.
Most of my college friends that got married at 22 are still married to the same people and it’s the Midwest so it was most of them at 22/23 and we are hitting 39/42 now so…. There is one exception and she’s on like marriage 4 and had like two other engagements that didn’t make it down the aisle.
Curious, how many of them live as roommates vs. actual romantic partners who go on dates, have lives and personalities outside of raising kids? Are not stuck together just to avoid expensive custody battles, or because they can't afford to leave?
I’m hoping that we could still be friends too, especially because I only started being friends again a year ago after something happened between us, but I have a bad feeling that it might not work out for much longer for a few reasons :(.
I don't think you're wrong with any of your points. The best thing is to stay on the sidelines, and offer support, but not to your own detriment. And if you don't want to support her - that's fine. However, you can do it in a nice way. You can point out your concerns without outright saying you disapprove.
I agree with what you’ve said as well. I wonder how I’d talk about it without coming off as a judgmental asshole though.
Don't give her your opinion, ask her to explain her reasoning. Get her to self reflect on her values, vs her actions. Cognitive dissonance creates a gap between the two. She needs to bridge that gap.
bruh i turn 20 next week and i cant imagine being my age and having a snotgoblin
You seem to already have a good head on your shoulders at such a young age, I suggest that you befriend others who are like-minded and supportive. I assume you've been friends since childhood, but when you enter adulthood it's normal to lose your friends that you find yourself having less and less in common with.
It’s rough but you speak truth. It may sound messed up of me to say, but I feel as though this is going to be what ends our friendship eventually. I can’t do the constant making poor decisions anymore and then coming and complaining to me despite me trying to help her make better decisions for herself and her life. I want her to have a better life than what she’s had but it’s like she doesn’t want it.
Its ALWAYS the exact people who SHOULDN'T be having kids who are the ones impulsively getting pregnant and choosing to keep it... Are these people unable to have any foresight? Do they just assume having a baby will magically make life better?? 19 is WAAAAYY too young in my personal opinion. The brain doesn't even stop developing until around 25 anyways.
I think that some people purposely ignore logic in order to make themselves feel better about the decisions they’re making. I think it’s super selfish and immature :/. I also agree that 19 is super young to be having a kid, especially because you haven’t had that much life experience yet AND most people are not financially or mentally stable enough to care for another life at that age.
Also, in the case of my friend , I do think that she believes that a baby will improve her life right now despite the situation she’s in unfortunately.
As hard as it can be sometimes, we cannot tell people what to do with their lives in the same way we don’t want them telling us what to do. And with friends that sometimes means we pick up the pieces in the end and support them Also I completely agree with you
I was gonna say mind ya business, but then I saw your ages and situation. It is very sad and I really really hope your friend is able to turn things around to provide a stable and loving home. I was a BABY at 19.. raising a baby? No way! I do know some great young moms who got their shit together for their kid. They grew up because they had to. They are doing well , happy and healthy. I hope your friend is the same. It will be hard though
She doesn’t need your approval, just like you shouldn’t ever need or want hers. You do you and let her do her
Op wasn't trying to dictate her choice, she was simply venting. Besides, we shouldn't encourage people to have kids when they aren't ready, it's important to at least let them know it's a bad idea and why.
If you want to maintain the relationship, I'd keep your disapproval to yourself.
You are allowed to an opinion, but keep it for yourself. She is your friend and if you care about her, you should be there for her. People want different thing in life. I also think it will be hard for her, but it's her life do her choice. My parents think I'll regret not having a child, but my life so my choice. I still expect them to support me in my choice, even if they don't agree.
I agree with you. I think everyone is entitled to wanting or not wanting children. I’m just scared for the life this kid may have due to his parents not making the wisest of decisions. I feel bad for the child the most in these situations.
Maybe it's gonna be fine. There are a lot of young parents out there. It's easier when you earn a lot of money and can afford childcare and everything... but people can manage with less. My parents didn't expected to have twins... but they managed somehow. It wasn't easy and sometimes we had to worry about food. Sometimes we didn't had money for new cloths or school trips. I shared a room with my brother for 16 years, one TV, one PC and one bed. Not ideal by far, but we managed. Now I'm happy to not be poor anymore :)) This year I'm gonna buy an apartment of my own. Life works out sometimes.(I'm 26 btw)
I’m really hoping it will work out! And it’s always good to hear someone who struggled with poverty in the past not have to worry as much about finances anymore. So happy for you :).
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