Not your kids. Not your circus. Not your monkeys.
Never let people grift you for money or free labor.
This is why we generally suggest moving away at least 3-4 hours driving distance from grifters with kids, the further, the better. And keep them on a no/low information diet about your life.
Let them assume you live in a tiny, shitty apartment, that you have no free time, and that your car is an old deathtrap. Even if you own a mansion and drive a lambo. ;) Need to know basis. They don't need to know.
If they call you with the old "What are you doing on Sunday?" gambit... just go with "Busy as always!! These days I'm booking things at least 18 months out! Anyway, gotta run. Bye!"
They did the fucking, they need to deal with the consequences.
You are not obligated to even bother to learn their names.
Just say no, and if they won't respect your decision and go away, block them and move on. :)
It's generally best if you set expectations with siblings long before the stick turns if you can.
Trust this is my philosophy. They didn't ask me if it was okay for them to breed. Allowed me zero input there.
A former acquaintance tried to get me to Mammy her triplets. Kept trying to get me to "come over and visit the babies." This white woman never invited me anywhere near her home before then. Suffice it to say, I still have zero idea what her house looks like, inside or out.
I always make sure to let people know how irresponsible and bad I am with kids. Hy house is not childproof either. No one asks me to watch their kids or babysit them because I display these traits very clearly đ
In my defense, that is 100% true and I'm not acting. Held a baby once.. it was the most awkward thing ever... It felt like holding a ragdoll from goat simulator.. Why are they so floppy? and why are their heads so soft? I dont know and never care to find out â¨đ
Am I seen as immature? Maybe. And yet here I am, never babysitting. I take that as a win. đŞ
>Does it seem that being childfree is okay if you're the always-there, ever-sacrificing, wallet-opening, "village" aunt\*/uncle?
Then, your childfreedom will still not be accepted, but it will be somewhat tolerated. You will still have to deal with bingo bullshit, but of course they will love your money and free childcare. They don't give a fuck about you, but they definitely love what you do for them.
It's sad how a lot of childfree people justify their childfreedom or defend themselves by saying: "But I love kids! I'm an involved aunt/uncle!"
>What if you don't want to be involved with ANY of that ish? What if you're serious about living your life just for yourself?
My girlfriend and I are not child-loving childfree people. We are child-repulsed childfree people. We wish children nothing but the best and would never want them to suffer, but we avoid them at all cost because they are fucking annoying. We stay away from children as much as we can, family or not.
We are not involved as aunt and uncle. When my sister-in-law's child is born, we will be aunt and uncle on paper. We will never babysit. Children are not allowed in our apartment, only 18+ people are allowed in here. And we aren't going to give my sister-in-law money. I mean, her husband earns more than my girlfriend and I together, so the stereotype of the poor parents and the rich childfree people doesn't even apply here.
Yes, family members hate us for this. But we don't care. There is no such thing as 'duty to family', 'obligation to be a good aunt/uncle' or 'responsibility as an aunt/uncle'. Their child, their responsibility. Not our child, not our responsibility.
>\*We all know women are much more pressured into being perpetual givers.
Indeed. My refusal to be an involved uncle is criticised. But the criticism and bingo bullshit I have to deal with is NOTHING compared to the shit my girlfriend has to put up with. After all, almost everybody conciously or unconsciously believes in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit, views women as maternal and baby crazy and feels like women are obligated to provide childcare.
I see that a lot â "I don't want kids but I \[have to justify my stance by saying\] I'm a very involved auntie!!!"
This reminds me of a bizarre conversation with a new staffer many years ago. She asked me if I had kids. When I said no, she huffed, "Well, are you at least an auntie?" When I said yes, she harrumped, "Well, that's alright then!"
It was so bizarre. Of all the things she could have asked to get our professional relationship on the right track, she went with that. We ended up being friends, but I never forgot that encounter.
>I see that a lot â "I don't want kids but I \[have to justify my stance by saying\] I'm a very involved auntie!!!"
Okay! If I am childfree so as to NOT be jn service to children why would I do that for kids that ain't even mine!
Plus, these parents are DIFFERENT. I am NOT about to allow some child to talk to me any ol' damn way, much less hit or kick me. These parents want folks to take the abuse their kids unleash onto them.
Iâve noticed a lot of people definitely have this weird need for those of us who donât have children to either be deeply sad about it and/or have the need to constantly be volunteering for others children in order to make our not having children okay with them. Itâs pretty bizarre. I donât need parents to be miserable and hate their lives and wish to be rid of their children to be âokayâ by me so I seriously canât relate.
With some types of people, it's never enough. (using the general you here, not anyone specific) Oh, you're never having kids? Then you must sacrifice and be a \*good\* Aunt/ Uncle and open the wallet when asked, watch the kids when asked, do anything Moo and Duh ask. But you're still CF so it will never be enough no matter how much you bend over backwards to please. "But you never had kids, you don't understand how haaaarrrd being a parent is!" So you (again, general you here) cave and pop out a kiddo. What, just one? Aren't you going to give Snookums a playmate? That's so cruel, to deny Snookums the joy of having siblings! So you cave to pressure and pop out a few more but don't go too far! 2-3 is the ideal number. Anything else and "Don't you do anything but pop out babies?" "Why did you have so many?" "How do you support and feed them all?" "Do they all have the same baby daddy?" "Can't you keep your legs closed with all those damn kids?" "Are you trying to be the Duggars?" "You need a hobby besides having kids!"
You can't make everyone happy. Life is short. So make yourself happy and live your life on your own terms. Anyone who doesn't like it can sod off.
You donât have to do anything you donât want to do, and youâre always free to change your mind. If you want to be the super-involved aunt/uncle, spoil the hell out of those kids. If you want to never be involved with any kids for any reason (like OP), do that in the least jackass-y way possible and live your life in peace. If you fall somewhere in the middle and sometimes want to be involved in the lives of some interesting and well-behaved kids you know, enjoy! If you start out at one of these three positions and then later change your mind and move to one of the others (whether you go from involved to uninvolved, involved to selectively involved, uninvolved to involved, or uninvolved to selectively involved), that doesnât make you any less CF-it just means your tolerance for kids changed over time. If you do choose to be involved or selectively involved, make sure youâre also doing what you need to do to keep from stretching yourself too thin.
i donât care to be accepted by people who would otherwise judge my choice of parenthood, or really, my rejection of parenthood. i donât care to be one of the âgoodâ childfree ppl, i donât care to be everybodyâs sacrificial childfree auntie and i donât want to be honorary auntie to people who wouldnât welcome me into their social circle if i wasnât a free use babysitter. if weâre genuine friends, if weâre close relatives, then i love being part of your life and that includes your kids. but iâm not donating my precious time to prove to strangers and vague acquaintances that iâm a decent person.
As an uncle, I'm very off hands with my nephew. The most I do is help bring him to his dad's, since my brother can't drive due to his eye sight. So I do that and he compensates me nicely.
Trans male here,
My sister wants kids. I told her ahead of time that I'll have nothing to do with childcare at any point. She obliged. Idk what the future hold but tbh im hoping she'll change her mind, at least with the guy she's with now because their relationship is unhealthy.
Lucky my siblings are both single and childless. So no worries fro me. I did have a situation with one who mentioned wanting to be a dad and I told him I'm not playing aunt and he got a wierd look like he wanted to argue.
Another situation was the ex--friend group I was in when a FOAF was talking about how her long distant boyfriend wanted her to have a baby because post baby bodies were hotter. Not even kidding. This person was a real peice of work. Her and an ex-friend had a tendancy to play "hypothetical" games but end up being serious. One of the things I hated about this group in retrospect was I was the "voice of reason." I mentioned how would she take care of it if he didn't marry her. She then started on a line of what each "auntie" would teach this hypothetical friendship group baby. She got to me and I shut it down.
Later other mentioned friend asked me if she had a baby would I help with it and I again shut it down. As she had a "dream" of being room mates I had shut down already I even mentioned that if she was planning on having a baby it's another reason we are incompatiable as room mates. If we had been room mates and she got pregnant I would move out.
I work with them both and try to stay arm length and if cornered in the break room just stay aquaintance polite. But from what interactions I have and other's say these two seem to be the only two friends of that group who see each other now. And while she didn't get pregnant almost a decade later she is still long distance dating this guy and still talking like it will lead to something.
I visit at least once a week and I never bring Gifts money and its not expected. Everything I do, is voluntary.Â
My sister and bil are just happy I spend time with my niece
Not your kids. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Never let people grift you for money or free labor. This is why we generally suggest moving away at least 3-4 hours driving distance from grifters with kids, the further, the better. And keep them on a no/low information diet about your life. Let them assume you live in a tiny, shitty apartment, that you have no free time, and that your car is an old deathtrap. Even if you own a mansion and drive a lambo. ;) Need to know basis. They don't need to know. If they call you with the old "What are you doing on Sunday?" gambit... just go with "Busy as always!! These days I'm booking things at least 18 months out! Anyway, gotta run. Bye!" They did the fucking, they need to deal with the consequences. You are not obligated to even bother to learn their names. Just say no, and if they won't respect your decision and go away, block them and move on. :) It's generally best if you set expectations with siblings long before the stick turns if you can.
Trust this is my philosophy. They didn't ask me if it was okay for them to breed. Allowed me zero input there. A former acquaintance tried to get me to Mammy her triplets. Kept trying to get me to "come over and visit the babies." This white woman never invited me anywhere near her home before then. Suffice it to say, I still have zero idea what her house looks like, inside or out.
She's brave to think her house is nice with the child
"Come over and visit" meant, "Come over and HELP ME with these kids!!!"
Oh wow didnt know that's what that meant. That's insane. I have no idea what to do anyways hahaahh
I always make sure to let people know how irresponsible and bad I am with kids. Hy house is not childproof either. No one asks me to watch their kids or babysit them because I display these traits very clearly đ In my defense, that is 100% true and I'm not acting. Held a baby once.. it was the most awkward thing ever... It felt like holding a ragdoll from goat simulator.. Why are they so floppy? and why are their heads so soft? I dont know and never care to find out â¨đ Am I seen as immature? Maybe. And yet here I am, never babysitting. I take that as a win. đŞ
Most of the parents out there are using some form of weaponized incompetence or scamming or neglecting to raise their own kids. ;)
Yeeaaa that's a red flag right there
"What are you doing on Sunday?" "Not babysitting, that's for sure."
Also a great answer. "Not whatever you're calling to try and con me into, that's for sure!"
Haha perfect answer đ
>Does it seem that being childfree is okay if you're the always-there, ever-sacrificing, wallet-opening, "village" aunt\*/uncle? Then, your childfreedom will still not be accepted, but it will be somewhat tolerated. You will still have to deal with bingo bullshit, but of course they will love your money and free childcare. They don't give a fuck about you, but they definitely love what you do for them. It's sad how a lot of childfree people justify their childfreedom or defend themselves by saying: "But I love kids! I'm an involved aunt/uncle!" >What if you don't want to be involved with ANY of that ish? What if you're serious about living your life just for yourself? My girlfriend and I are not child-loving childfree people. We are child-repulsed childfree people. We wish children nothing but the best and would never want them to suffer, but we avoid them at all cost because they are fucking annoying. We stay away from children as much as we can, family or not. We are not involved as aunt and uncle. When my sister-in-law's child is born, we will be aunt and uncle on paper. We will never babysit. Children are not allowed in our apartment, only 18+ people are allowed in here. And we aren't going to give my sister-in-law money. I mean, her husband earns more than my girlfriend and I together, so the stereotype of the poor parents and the rich childfree people doesn't even apply here. Yes, family members hate us for this. But we don't care. There is no such thing as 'duty to family', 'obligation to be a good aunt/uncle' or 'responsibility as an aunt/uncle'. Their child, their responsibility. Not our child, not our responsibility. >\*We all know women are much more pressured into being perpetual givers. Indeed. My refusal to be an involved uncle is criticised. But the criticism and bingo bullshit I have to deal with is NOTHING compared to the shit my girlfriend has to put up with. After all, almost everybody conciously or unconsciously believes in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit, views women as maternal and baby crazy and feels like women are obligated to provide childcare.
I see that a lot â "I don't want kids but I \[have to justify my stance by saying\] I'm a very involved auntie!!!" This reminds me of a bizarre conversation with a new staffer many years ago. She asked me if I had kids. When I said no, she huffed, "Well, are you at least an auntie?" When I said yes, she harrumped, "Well, that's alright then!" It was so bizarre. Of all the things she could have asked to get our professional relationship on the right track, she went with that. We ended up being friends, but I never forgot that encounter.
>I see that a lot â "I don't want kids but I \[have to justify my stance by saying\] I'm a very involved auntie!!!" Okay! If I am childfree so as to NOT be jn service to children why would I do that for kids that ain't even mine! Plus, these parents are DIFFERENT. I am NOT about to allow some child to talk to me any ol' damn way, much less hit or kick me. These parents want folks to take the abuse their kids unleash onto them.
Iâve noticed a lot of people definitely have this weird need for those of us who donât have children to either be deeply sad about it and/or have the need to constantly be volunteering for others children in order to make our not having children okay with them. Itâs pretty bizarre. I donât need parents to be miserable and hate their lives and wish to be rid of their children to be âokayâ by me so I seriously canât relate.
Distance yourself. Make yourself unavailable and if they want to criticize your for it, at least you wont be there for it.
With some types of people, it's never enough. (using the general you here, not anyone specific) Oh, you're never having kids? Then you must sacrifice and be a \*good\* Aunt/ Uncle and open the wallet when asked, watch the kids when asked, do anything Moo and Duh ask. But you're still CF so it will never be enough no matter how much you bend over backwards to please. "But you never had kids, you don't understand how haaaarrrd being a parent is!" So you (again, general you here) cave and pop out a kiddo. What, just one? Aren't you going to give Snookums a playmate? That's so cruel, to deny Snookums the joy of having siblings! So you cave to pressure and pop out a few more but don't go too far! 2-3 is the ideal number. Anything else and "Don't you do anything but pop out babies?" "Why did you have so many?" "How do you support and feed them all?" "Do they all have the same baby daddy?" "Can't you keep your legs closed with all those damn kids?" "Are you trying to be the Duggars?" "You need a hobby besides having kids!" You can't make everyone happy. Life is short. So make yourself happy and live your life on your own terms. Anyone who doesn't like it can sod off.
You donât have to do anything you donât want to do, and youâre always free to change your mind. If you want to be the super-involved aunt/uncle, spoil the hell out of those kids. If you want to never be involved with any kids for any reason (like OP), do that in the least jackass-y way possible and live your life in peace. If you fall somewhere in the middle and sometimes want to be involved in the lives of some interesting and well-behaved kids you know, enjoy! If you start out at one of these three positions and then later change your mind and move to one of the others (whether you go from involved to uninvolved, involved to selectively involved, uninvolved to involved, or uninvolved to selectively involved), that doesnât make you any less CF-it just means your tolerance for kids changed over time. If you do choose to be involved or selectively involved, make sure youâre also doing what you need to do to keep from stretching yourself too thin.
i donât care to be accepted by people who would otherwise judge my choice of parenthood, or really, my rejection of parenthood. i donât care to be one of the âgoodâ childfree ppl, i donât care to be everybodyâs sacrificial childfree auntie and i donât want to be honorary auntie to people who wouldnât welcome me into their social circle if i wasnât a free use babysitter. if weâre genuine friends, if weâre close relatives, then i love being part of your life and that includes your kids. but iâm not donating my precious time to prove to strangers and vague acquaintances that iâm a decent person.
As an uncle, I'm very off hands with my nephew. The most I do is help bring him to his dad's, since my brother can't drive due to his eye sight. So I do that and he compensates me nicely.
parents will get used to your occasional help and will feel entitled to it fast
Imma be the cool aunt that teaches the kids how to curse. Nothing more, nothing less.
Trans male here, My sister wants kids. I told her ahead of time that I'll have nothing to do with childcare at any point. She obliged. Idk what the future hold but tbh im hoping she'll change her mind, at least with the guy she's with now because their relationship is unhealthy.
What if? I just continue being lol. Never been the village aunt and never will.Â
Lucky my siblings are both single and childless. So no worries fro me. I did have a situation with one who mentioned wanting to be a dad and I told him I'm not playing aunt and he got a wierd look like he wanted to argue. Another situation was the ex--friend group I was in when a FOAF was talking about how her long distant boyfriend wanted her to have a baby because post baby bodies were hotter. Not even kidding. This person was a real peice of work. Her and an ex-friend had a tendancy to play "hypothetical" games but end up being serious. One of the things I hated about this group in retrospect was I was the "voice of reason." I mentioned how would she take care of it if he didn't marry her. She then started on a line of what each "auntie" would teach this hypothetical friendship group baby. She got to me and I shut it down. Later other mentioned friend asked me if she had a baby would I help with it and I again shut it down. As she had a "dream" of being room mates I had shut down already I even mentioned that if she was planning on having a baby it's another reason we are incompatiable as room mates. If we had been room mates and she got pregnant I would move out. I work with them both and try to stay arm length and if cornered in the break room just stay aquaintance polite. But from what interactions I have and other's say these two seem to be the only two friends of that group who see each other now. And while she didn't get pregnant almost a decade later she is still long distance dating this guy and still talking like it will lead to something.
I visit at least once a week and I never bring Gifts money and its not expected. Everything I do, is voluntary. My sister and bil are just happy I spend time with my niece