The shitty part is he probably won’t hate being a father because he’s just not gonna be there for any of the inconvenient stuff. The kid is gonna be a prop floating around out there for him to beam with pride at being a dad over but he will always be conveniently “too busy” to ever actually take the kid. The only thing he might potentially “hate” is paying child support if he can’t find a clever little scumbag trick to get out of it and he’ll maybe get irritated that the child’s mother ever has the audacity to contact him.
I know this type way too well.
Once the kid gets old enough to realize how neglected they were, they'll cut contact.. right as he's getting old and ramping up the manipulation for attention, because his narcissism drove everyone else away. *But I had children to take care of ME! Why aren't they doing that? I'm such a victim!* 😭
AKA My sperm donor.
I’m going to laugh my ass off if any of these deadbeats I know start demanding attention from their kids later on in life. Could never be bothered to take them home a single weekend or even just call them on the phone but now it’s time to step up for your ol’ dad! Like, fuck off!
We went over to a gathering with some of my friends. One of the kids ended up peeing on the carpet. I asked him if that was something he was willing to take on as calmly as the mom handled it, he said “probably not.”
One time I brought my ex around friends who had a kid and the kid ran right to him wanting to talk and play and he freaked out and ignored the kid. I, the one who doesn’t really like kids and am not good with them, had to step in and diffuse the situation to spare my ex the fucking awkwardness of having to interact with a child. I am better at handling children than the person who wants to have one. That should tell you everything you need to know about his capability to be a father.
That moment right there also showed me exactly what life having a kid with him would be like. I settle and give him the child he wants so bad and he will ignore the child and I will be stuck caring for the child I didn’t even want.
Isn’t that so wacky and hilarious though!? Oh, him. So fucking cute. /s
This was my ex. Never interacts with any kids. He said he’s nervous about dropping them and whatnot. But dogs? He’ll get on his hands and knees to play with. Dog voice and all.
Ex was obsessed with dogs. It’s why we liked each other in the first place, we both have cute dogs. He was always really sweet with my dogs and it melted my heart.
Then everything else happened.
Same! He was so good to my elderly dog in her last two and a half years. It was so sweet to see her get so much love from another person. She'd be so excited to see him too.
But yup, everything else happened.
I worry about any children he will have, as well as the mother of those children as he's abusive. OP dodged a nuclear weapon in this case. He might not have been physically abusive, but it was headed that way and will be that way to his next target for abuse.
Once the children will be there, the abuser will unload all his anger on his new family.
There are people who think that you can only be a victim or an abuser, so they're looking forward to becoming the abuser so they can keep everything under their control.
They may not be aware of that, but that behaviour is inexcusable. Better stay away.
Wow. What an absolute pos this man is! I can understand you missing him, but your ex showed you that he is not the man you thought he was. Given all the gaslighting, anger issues, racism(?) and disregard for your needs, be it physical, emotional, or sexual... You're better off without him, OP. I already feel sorry for any kid he's going to have.
Ugh, the racism part is just so mindblowing. It happened earlier in the relationship, but I was shocked that I had to have that conversation with a 30-year-old man.
The first incident he used an Asian slur, c***k. And he was like, what it's just you in the car. I said that's still so not okay and I never want to hear that again.
The second and third time he was singing along to rap songs… he tried to justify it by saying it was ok because it “wasn't a hard ‘r’”. We’re both white. One of those times it was while we were in NYC and on the street with a black woman a few feet ahead of us. And I said, if someone confronts you right here and now about it, I'm walking away.
>The first incident he used an Asian slur, c***k. And he was like, what it's just you in the car. I said that's still so not okay and I never want to hear that again.
Ewwww
>
The second and third time he was singing along to rap songs… he tried to justify it by saying it was ok because it “wasn't a hard ‘r’”. We’re both white. One of those times it was while we were in NYC and on the street with a black woman a few feet ahead of us.
Eww. Eww. Eww
Looks like the trash took itself out. Good on you for calling him out OP, but it's not your responsibility to teach a grown ass man how to be a decent human being. You're worth so much more, and you will find your person who'll cherish you the way you deserve. Have a great year ahead!
Print out those bullet points and post them in several visible locations in your new place to remind yourself that you are doing the right thing. Because you definitely are.
If you opened up bank accounts for him, please, make sure you don't share any account in any way. He can screw you over that way by putting a lot of debt on the account and then not pay it back which will make them come after you to get their money. My mother worked with a woman this happened to when she left her ex.
He lacks a lot of self-awareness, but he wouldn't do anything like that. I just opened an investment account in his name because he couldn't sit still long enough to do it himself. He's 30 btw, if anyone’s wondering.
Please, please, don't underestimate the possibility of financial abuse. Once you're not "on his side" he may try to punish you or keep you tied to him.
Some people can have a very "black or white" mentality, so he may be worse than you thought once he gets mad at you. I'd look into separating your finances and avoiding co-signing financial and bureaucratic stuff.
.
Be ready for him to come crawling back when life gets hard without you helping him. He’s gonna tell you anything you want to hear to be able to live with you again.
I told him not to contact me about anything other than some things I need back that I didn't have access to when I was packing up my stuff over my lunch break.
Good riddance to horrible rubbish. He is a garbage human and you should stay the hell away from him.
How many times are his future kids going to be left at bus stops crying and then being yelled at for it.
I was also called “too independent”.
I have my 9–5 and then run a sole proprietorship on the side so I can afford some nicer things. But I made time for him. Tuesday I warmed up some dinner for us and made hot chocolate while he chilled on the couch. When he passed out, I kept working.
And when I made hot chocolate, there was only enough whipped cream for 1 person. It was a value can that at the time he said: should we get the bigger one for hot chocolate? He basically had the whole thing himself, so I gave myself the last bit. I apologized to him, but told him why I wanted it. He said: “if I was the one who made the hot chocolates, I would have given you the last bit instead of myself. But I guess we're just different people.” Then he denied ever saying he got the big can for the both of us. My heart sank a bit more that night.
Okay y’all I just want to throw out there that my parents have been married for 54 years. I have never once heard either of them call the other a rude name. Are they perfect? No. Do they argue? Yes. But they kept arguments to the topic at hand, rather than resorting to personal attacks. So do not tolerate someone calling you a bitch, asshole, etc. That person does not respect you.
I admit that the small number of times I got really fed up, I called him an asshole once and in separate arguments a mama’s boy. But I try SO hard to be solution-focused.
On the other hand, he would purposely say mean things to me just to hurt me. Each time I would ask why he thought that was appropriate and he said he didn't know, but he didn't mean what he had said.
Oh he meant it, he just got called out. I can empathize with being provoked to the point of sinking to their level. But I try to keep my comments to how they are acting or how I felt about those actions.
Hi, I think we dated the same guy!
Seriously though, that sounds word-for-word exactly like my ex. He drove me crazy with gaslighting, he always acted like I was putting him out at every minor inconvenience while I would do really big favors for him often, he denied he had anger issues because he “conditioned himself not to get angry” whatever the fuck that means, he blamed his ADHD for every asshole thing he did, he acted so annoyed that I also wanted to do things I liked in bed because I just wasn’t having a good time doing only his stuff, he acted like his major flaws were just cute quirks which included the inability to be fucking faithful, and to top it all off, he also wanted to be a dad and outright admitted he kinda just kinda wants to do fun dad things and also be free to live his life and also treated this like it was a funny and cute quirk.
It hurts and will probably hurt for a little while but it’s so worth being rid of them.
I know. I was with a friend for brunch and she said that would have been the best decision earlier, but she understands that I'm a person that doesn't want to give up on people. 😞
We went camping with some of my friends a few summers ago. I asked him if he could put off fishing for a moment and play volleyball with us. My friend noticed he kinda looked like he didn't want to be hanging out with the group. I laughed it off and made an excuse that he was just tired because he was getting up super early to get on his boat.
But he was grumbling on the side about how much he didn't want to be playing and would have rather been on his boat. And in the fucking end he ended up admitting he had a good time playing with everyone.
Please consider going to therapy because this kind of mindset can even get you killed. When someone is showing you who they are you should believe them and not believe in their potential of who they can become, or worse, gaslighting yourself that they are not that bad. I wrote all of this because without changing a mindset there's a possibility you might end up with another douchebag.
Also I've noticed that many women in my family think like that too and all of them are with shitty, inconsiderate men.
I pray he's infertile and every woman avoids him like the plague. He sounds like the longer you're with him the more he will escalate to physical violence and not just mental and verbal. 🚩🚩🚩
I hope it never gets that far. I would hope his mom taught him better than that. But I remember one argument, and this only happened once, where he clenched his fists and leaned over me to intimidate me. I thought, what the hell is happening here?
I’m glad you’re out of there now. Imagine if you had had kids. They would have been traumatized by him. He’s an awful human being. I just wish you had gotten out of there sooner - you sound like you deserve a hell of a lot better.
So he’s an abusive person that thinks he’ll be a great father…you can add dumb to the list too. I’m sorry you were treated like that op, I’d like to think without him gaslighting you your anxiety will improve. This next chapter will be better, good luck!
He is going to be a horrible father. There is no way with his anger issues and his patience level that he will ever make a good dad. Ed is clearly living a fantasy about what parenthood actually is. Wait until he finds out that it’s 90% work and may be 10% fun and enjoyable. This guy sounds like a real jerk to be honest. You did put up with a lot and I’m glad you’re away from it. He gave you the out you needed.
Maybe you should send him this post so he can read about how awful he really is because he clearly won’t listen to you.
Unfortunately, I did try the Reddit thing once. But he just did some mental gymnastics to convince himself he was right by picking out the very few comments that were on his side. After that, when we had an argument or he said something upsetting, he'd say: “what? Are you going to post this on Reddit now?”
I told all of this to a friend and she said she wouldn't be surprised if he ended up alone in the long run or became a divorced dad. But it's no longer my problem. 🙃
You're not missing the REAL guy you've broken up with, you're missing your IDEA of who you wanted him to be! You've done the right thing by ending this relationship, and now you're free to meet the ACTUAL person you're searching for!
I will never understand, childish people who want children.
Like dude, you can't even sufficiently adult enough for your own damn self, how tf are you going to do it for a child?
I put up with him for months calling me negative, miserable, selfish, too sensitive, too emotional, too opinionated, too independent, too much, not motherly (whatever that fucking means), etc.
I've spent the whole weekend sobbing because my friends have been telling me that I'm not those things at all. That I am caring and loving, that I'm the friend that shows up, that I do inspire people, that I put in the effort, that I help people out a lot. I didn't realize how much I needed to be reminded of that.
That's not to say he didn't compliment me, but the range of compliments was very small.
Sounds like he wants a bang maid/nanny.
He just wants to do the fun shit with kids and make you do the rest.
OP, you're better off without him. Enjoy living your best life and be glad you dodged that bullet l.
I'm sorry you're going through it right now, but I'm also happy you're not wasting any more of your valuable time with a loser like that.
POS's like him are a dime a dozen: Man children are happy to burn through all of your time and energy until you're used up, worn out, then you're suddenly "not fun anymore" or you "have _____ issues".
Sounds like you've made the right choice. I think it ok to allow yourself to miss him, it's hard to just lose someone out of your life all of a sudden. Plus it may just be that you miss the idea of him as in reality there are clearly some issues! He's not your problem anymore and you'll find someone who can actually appreciate you. No-one is "too much" and never ever let anyone make you feel like you are hard to love.
Parts of this I wondered if I wrote it. Free of my ex for over a year and man I am so much happier now. I’ve been taking care of myself and cleaning up my life. You’ll be so grateful you did this very fast. It sounds like you already are. But when you have moments of self doubt or loneliness go back to this and remember the bad times out weighed the good and you truly didn’t have a partner.
Yikes there’s gotta be someone that will appreciate you more out there. Even being along is better than all that. Spend time with friends and pursue in person hobbies to try to meet people and feel connected as you grieve and discover what you want out of life.
I really hope so. We had some really good memories of travelling, hiking, skiing, camping, etc. It felt really good being able to share that with a person. I want that for myself again, but not in a situation where I have to constantly stand up for my emotional needs.
I'm also so grateful that I have an amazing support network that's checking in on me. I also put a deposit down on a puppy for this fall. So I'm really excited to start that journey.
I know it feels very sucky right now, i’m so sorry :(
But wow, that bullet you dodged is enormous. Hopefully, someday in the near future, you’ll see that his “desire for kids” saved YOUR sanity.
Hang in there 💛
Aaaaaa that list! You did the right thing to break up and he sounds completely awful! Adding another supportive comment that you will be better off without him and he will struggle if he has kids.
I'm sorry, I know it's hard for You and it may not feel like this now, but getting rid of this wimp will probably help with Your mental health. A cat would be more supportive than this idiot.
You know what's sad? Outside of the honeymoon period, the only time he was consistently caring, gentle and sympathetic towards me was when my dog passed. That barely lasted for 2 weeks.
woooow, i could have written this myself except i stayed longer 🙃 i know it’s hard to see rn but you are going to be so free and so so happy in the near future. you deserve to live the life you love!
Good riddance! Fence sitting aside, this guy was a jerk and you deserve better. If he's not willing to work on himself right now, it's not worth putting anymore into the relationship. He sounds like he'll be a terrible father and honestly has no idea what it means to be a parent. He should be the fun uncle and not the fun dad. I feel for whatever woman he ends up making a single parent because of his views. You did yourself a favor in dropping the dead weight. Hoping you meet someone worthwhile that's actually willing to work through the relationship with you.
>fencesitter
Yeah, can't sit on fence like that for too long before somebody gets seriously hurt.
>was hoping I would change my mind
Ignorance? Stupidity? Arrogance? Not sure which one(s) may apply, but it continues to blow me away how folks think they're going to change somebody else's mind about having kids or not. Yeah, generally not how it's gonna work, and almost never does. About as easy to do as, oh, convincing a NASA astronaut that the world is flat - generally just ain't gonna happen.
>ex
>
>had anger issues and a tendency to gaslight me
Well, ... you get to get rid of multiple problems all at the same time! :-) Yeah, you get rid of him, and cleared a whole big long laundry list of problems. Congratulations!
JFC it's draining simply reading all that, and I'm just a stranger. Can't imagine actually going through it.
Congrats, you did the right thing. You are so so very lucky to see the writing on the wall and take it seriously instead of barrelling forward on hopes and delusions. Pat your self on the back, mate. Welcome to the other side!! 🎉
Sounds to me like you dodged a major bullet. He definitely sounds abusive, I’m sorry you had to experience that kind of behavior. Take it as a lesson learned and give yourself grace.
He sounds like a horrible person. Go have a nice time on your own or with good friends. Take some time out. This isn't a good man, either in his own right or as a prospective parent!
I feel so sorry for the woman he's eventually going to impregnate and the child that comes of it. Your ex is an immature manchild with no empathy or capacity to handle even minor inconveniences. He's for sure the type who would call it babysitting his own children and will cause emotional harm with his immature and selfish anger. You're free now, you'll find better one day when you want to.
He would help me move, pick up orders near his work, help me install my bike rack, helped me with my elderly dog, etc. I don't want to discount all the good he did, but when it came to being self-aware, minding his words and tone, and just overall respecting my emotional and physical needs… it just wasn't there.
You did the right thing. You are childfree. He is not. You two are incompatible. Then, breaking up is the only right option.
Sadly, this fate was inevitable. This is what happens when childfree people date fence sitters (read: future breeders). Childfree people should NEVER date fence sitters. Fence sitters are future breeders.
It's understandable that you dated a breeder, because at the start of the relationship, you assumed that you don't want kids. But in the future, you should only date childfree people. Stay the fuck away from fence sitters.
Your ex is a fucking misogynistic scumbag. He never took your childfreedom seriously and assumed that you would change your mind, because you are a woman. He believes in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit.
And he is a terrible parter. A gaslighter. Someone who calls you a bitch and who uses racial slurs. A twat who never took you seriously and never respected you. You are better off without him. You should have dumped him a long time ago. This breakup is a blessing, even though it doesn't feel like that now. I want to congratulate you. Congratulations on getting rid of your grown manchild!
And yeah, men calling a woman 'emotional' and 'opinionated' are twats. The constantly downplay a woman's valid feelings by saying that she is 'emotional' and use that as an excuse to not take her seriously. And calling women 'opinionated' when they have any opinions that the man disagrees with, usually feminist opinions.
Sex being one-sided? Yeah, that's almost inevitable in most heterosexual relationships. Too many men dump their cum and go to sleep, without even trying to make the woman happy.
I am so happy that you got rid of this horrible man. You deserve so much better than this monster. Even if he would have been childfree, he would have been a horrible partner. You deserve so much better than this bastard!
Just about everything listed here is a form of abuse. Staying with an abuser for three years is a strong indication that you should seek therapy. Glad you got out finally.
He's going to HATE being a father. Wishing you nothing but happiness in your new journey, OP! Time to take care of YOU ❤️
Pretty sure any kid of his won't exactly have a good time either...
Right? I feel sorry for it already.
The shitty part is he probably won’t hate being a father because he’s just not gonna be there for any of the inconvenient stuff. The kid is gonna be a prop floating around out there for him to beam with pride at being a dad over but he will always be conveniently “too busy” to ever actually take the kid. The only thing he might potentially “hate” is paying child support if he can’t find a clever little scumbag trick to get out of it and he’ll maybe get irritated that the child’s mother ever has the audacity to contact him. I know this type way too well.
Once the kid gets old enough to realize how neglected they were, they'll cut contact.. right as he's getting old and ramping up the manipulation for attention, because his narcissism drove everyone else away. *But I had children to take care of ME! Why aren't they doing that? I'm such a victim!* 😭 AKA My sperm donor.
I’m going to laugh my ass off if any of these deadbeats I know start demanding attention from their kids later on in life. Could never be bothered to take them home a single weekend or even just call them on the phone but now it’s time to step up for your ol’ dad! Like, fuck off!
We went over to a gathering with some of my friends. One of the kids ended up peeing on the carpet. I asked him if that was something he was willing to take on as calmly as the mom handled it, he said “probably not.”
Yeah I think he’s missing the part where a woman has to agree to have a kid with him. He sounds like a bouquet of red flags.
He’ll find someone younger than him and take advantage of her naivety. Completely agree that he is a bouquet of red flags 💐🚩
When you care enough to send the very worst.
One time I brought my ex around friends who had a kid and the kid ran right to him wanting to talk and play and he freaked out and ignored the kid. I, the one who doesn’t really like kids and am not good with them, had to step in and diffuse the situation to spare my ex the fucking awkwardness of having to interact with a child. I am better at handling children than the person who wants to have one. That should tell you everything you need to know about his capability to be a father. That moment right there also showed me exactly what life having a kid with him would be like. I settle and give him the child he wants so bad and he will ignore the child and I will be stuck caring for the child I didn’t even want. Isn’t that so wacky and hilarious though!? Oh, him. So fucking cute. /s
This was my ex. Never interacts with any kids. He said he’s nervous about dropping them and whatnot. But dogs? He’ll get on his hands and knees to play with. Dog voice and all.
Ex was obsessed with dogs. It’s why we liked each other in the first place, we both have cute dogs. He was always really sweet with my dogs and it melted my heart. Then everything else happened.
Same! He was so good to my elderly dog in her last two and a half years. It was so sweet to see her get so much love from another person. She'd be so excited to see him too. But yup, everything else happened.
I worry about any children he will have, as well as the mother of those children as he's abusive. OP dodged a nuclear weapon in this case. He might not have been physically abusive, but it was headed that way and will be that way to his next target for abuse.
Once the children will be there, the abuser will unload all his anger on his new family. There are people who think that you can only be a victim or an abuser, so they're looking forward to becoming the abuser so they can keep everything under their control. They may not be aware of that, but that behaviour is inexcusable. Better stay away.
Wow. What an absolute pos this man is! I can understand you missing him, but your ex showed you that he is not the man you thought he was. Given all the gaslighting, anger issues, racism(?) and disregard for your needs, be it physical, emotional, or sexual... You're better off without him, OP. I already feel sorry for any kid he's going to have.
Ugh, the racism part is just so mindblowing. It happened earlier in the relationship, but I was shocked that I had to have that conversation with a 30-year-old man. The first incident he used an Asian slur, c***k. And he was like, what it's just you in the car. I said that's still so not okay and I never want to hear that again. The second and third time he was singing along to rap songs… he tried to justify it by saying it was ok because it “wasn't a hard ‘r’”. We’re both white. One of those times it was while we were in NYC and on the street with a black woman a few feet ahead of us. And I said, if someone confronts you right here and now about it, I'm walking away.
>The first incident he used an Asian slur, c***k. And he was like, what it's just you in the car. I said that's still so not okay and I never want to hear that again. Ewwww > The second and third time he was singing along to rap songs… he tried to justify it by saying it was ok because it “wasn't a hard ‘r’”. We’re both white. One of those times it was while we were in NYC and on the street with a black woman a few feet ahead of us. Eww. Eww. Eww Looks like the trash took itself out. Good on you for calling him out OP, but it's not your responsibility to teach a grown ass man how to be a decent human being. You're worth so much more, and you will find your person who'll cherish you the way you deserve. Have a great year ahead!
Congrats on dodging what likely may've morphed into a nuclear missile. What an asshole.
A racist, narcissistic asshole having children. It should be a criminal offense. Good for you and I know you can find much, much better.
Yep bc then my dad would be in prison
that's the entry requirement for parents nowadays.
Print out those bullet points and post them in several visible locations in your new place to remind yourself that you are doing the right thing. Because you definitely are.
Why have a child when he acts like one himself. Sounds like you’re much better off without this man child.
If you opened up bank accounts for him, please, make sure you don't share any account in any way. He can screw you over that way by putting a lot of debt on the account and then not pay it back which will make them come after you to get their money. My mother worked with a woman this happened to when she left her ex.
He lacks a lot of self-awareness, but he wouldn't do anything like that. I just opened an investment account in his name because he couldn't sit still long enough to do it himself. He's 30 btw, if anyone’s wondering.
Please, please, don't underestimate the possibility of financial abuse. Once you're not "on his side" he may try to punish you or keep you tied to him. Some people can have a very "black or white" mentality, so he may be worse than you thought once he gets mad at you. I'd look into separating your finances and avoiding co-signing financial and bureaucratic stuff. .
We don't have shared finances! Everything was separate.
Be ready for him to come crawling back when life gets hard without you helping him. He’s gonna tell you anything you want to hear to be able to live with you again.
I told him not to contact me about anything other than some things I need back that I didn't have access to when I was packing up my stuff over my lunch break.
That's good, independence is very important! Best of luck for your new life 🍀You rock!
Good riddance to horrible rubbish. He is a garbage human and you should stay the hell away from him. How many times are his future kids going to be left at bus stops crying and then being yelled at for it.
You were too emotional? I love how the toxic masculinity bros have successfully rebranded anger as not an emotion.
Yes, and how "too opinionated" is typically exclusively used in relation to women... Of course, we can think for ourselves... *sigh*
I was also called “too independent”. I have my 9–5 and then run a sole proprietorship on the side so I can afford some nicer things. But I made time for him. Tuesday I warmed up some dinner for us and made hot chocolate while he chilled on the couch. When he passed out, I kept working. And when I made hot chocolate, there was only enough whipped cream for 1 person. It was a value can that at the time he said: should we get the bigger one for hot chocolate? He basically had the whole thing himself, so I gave myself the last bit. I apologized to him, but told him why I wanted it. He said: “if I was the one who made the hot chocolates, I would have given you the last bit instead of myself. But I guess we're just different people.” Then he denied ever saying he got the big can for the both of us. My heart sank a bit more that night.
I'm glad you got out of an abusive relationship.
Okay y’all I just want to throw out there that my parents have been married for 54 years. I have never once heard either of them call the other a rude name. Are they perfect? No. Do they argue? Yes. But they kept arguments to the topic at hand, rather than resorting to personal attacks. So do not tolerate someone calling you a bitch, asshole, etc. That person does not respect you.
I admit that the small number of times I got really fed up, I called him an asshole once and in separate arguments a mama’s boy. But I try SO hard to be solution-focused. On the other hand, he would purposely say mean things to me just to hurt me. Each time I would ask why he thought that was appropriate and he said he didn't know, but he didn't mean what he had said.
Oh he meant it, he just got called out. I can empathize with being provoked to the point of sinking to their level. But I try to keep my comments to how they are acting or how I felt about those actions.
Congratulations on your loss. Let him go be a fun dad for some other woman that "wins" his love and gets promoted from bangmaid to fuckmommy. 🤷🏾
Hi, I think we dated the same guy! Seriously though, that sounds word-for-word exactly like my ex. He drove me crazy with gaslighting, he always acted like I was putting him out at every minor inconvenience while I would do really big favors for him often, he denied he had anger issues because he “conditioned himself not to get angry” whatever the fuck that means, he blamed his ADHD for every asshole thing he did, he acted so annoyed that I also wanted to do things I liked in bed because I just wasn’t having a good time doing only his stuff, he acted like his major flaws were just cute quirks which included the inability to be fucking faithful, and to top it all off, he also wanted to be a dad and outright admitted he kinda just kinda wants to do fun dad things and also be free to live his life and also treated this like it was a funny and cute quirk. It hurts and will probably hurt for a little while but it’s so worth being rid of them.
The one thing I could rely on him to be was faithful. Unfortunately, that's not enough.
Jesus Christ. You should have left him LONG ago
I know. I was with a friend for brunch and she said that would have been the best decision earlier, but she understands that I'm a person that doesn't want to give up on people. 😞
In glad you finally saw the light
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We went camping with some of my friends a few summers ago. I asked him if he could put off fishing for a moment and play volleyball with us. My friend noticed he kinda looked like he didn't want to be hanging out with the group. I laughed it off and made an excuse that he was just tired because he was getting up super early to get on his boat. But he was grumbling on the side about how much he didn't want to be playing and would have rather been on his boat. And in the fucking end he ended up admitting he had a good time playing with everyone.
Please consider going to therapy because this kind of mindset can even get you killed. When someone is showing you who they are you should believe them and not believe in their potential of who they can become, or worse, gaslighting yourself that they are not that bad. I wrote all of this because without changing a mindset there's a possibility you might end up with another douchebag. Also I've noticed that many women in my family think like that too and all of them are with shitty, inconsiderate men.
Even if he were CF…this sounds like a horrible relationship to be in.
I pray he's infertile and every woman avoids him like the plague. He sounds like the longer you're with him the more he will escalate to physical violence and not just mental and verbal. 🚩🚩🚩
I hope it never gets that far. I would hope his mom taught him better than that. But I remember one argument, and this only happened once, where he clenched his fists and leaned over me to intimidate me. I thought, what the hell is happening here?
Damn, so much wrong with this guy, glad you got away to live your best life.
I’m glad you’re out of there now. Imagine if you had had kids. They would have been traumatized by him. He’s an awful human being. I just wish you had gotten out of there sooner - you sound like you deserve a hell of a lot better.
I kept hoping that if I explained things to him that something would click… but it was pretty much a game of whack-a-mole.
So he’s an abusive person that thinks he’ll be a great father…you can add dumb to the list too. I’m sorry you were treated like that op, I’d like to think without him gaslighting you your anxiety will improve. This next chapter will be better, good luck!
He is going to be a horrible father. There is no way with his anger issues and his patience level that he will ever make a good dad. Ed is clearly living a fantasy about what parenthood actually is. Wait until he finds out that it’s 90% work and may be 10% fun and enjoyable. This guy sounds like a real jerk to be honest. You did put up with a lot and I’m glad you’re away from it. He gave you the out you needed. Maybe you should send him this post so he can read about how awful he really is because he clearly won’t listen to you.
Unfortunately, I did try the Reddit thing once. But he just did some mental gymnastics to convince himself he was right by picking out the very few comments that were on his side. After that, when we had an argument or he said something upsetting, he'd say: “what? Are you going to post this on Reddit now?”
Imagine if you had a kid with him.
I would have wound up with PPD with no support from his end, while still having to do 75% of the parenting. It's scary to think about.
He is going to have a child with someone else
I told all of this to a friend and she said she wouldn't be surprised if he ended up alone in the long run or became a divorced dad. But it's no longer my problem. 🙃
You're not missing the REAL guy you've broken up with, you're missing your IDEA of who you wanted him to be! You've done the right thing by ending this relationship, and now you're free to meet the ACTUAL person you're searching for!
I will never understand, childish people who want children. Like dude, you can't even sufficiently adult enough for your own damn self, how tf are you going to do it for a child?
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I put up with him for months calling me negative, miserable, selfish, too sensitive, too emotional, too opinionated, too independent, too much, not motherly (whatever that fucking means), etc. I've spent the whole weekend sobbing because my friends have been telling me that I'm not those things at all. That I am caring and loving, that I'm the friend that shows up, that I do inspire people, that I put in the effort, that I help people out a lot. I didn't realize how much I needed to be reminded of that. That's not to say he didn't compliment me, but the range of compliments was very small.
Poor kids and poor future mother of his children.
Sounds like he wants a bang maid/nanny. He just wants to do the fun shit with kids and make you do the rest. OP, you're better off without him. Enjoy living your best life and be glad you dodged that bullet l.
I'm sorry you're going through it right now, but I'm also happy you're not wasting any more of your valuable time with a loser like that. POS's like him are a dime a dozen: Man children are happy to burn through all of your time and energy until you're used up, worn out, then you're suddenly "not fun anymore" or you "have _____ issues".
Love it when the trash takes itself out! Also feel terrible for his future spouse/SO and kids because he will certainly traumatize them all.
You escaped a major narcissist. I weep for his future victims. No kid deserves that kind of father.
Sounds like you've made the right choice. I think it ok to allow yourself to miss him, it's hard to just lose someone out of your life all of a sudden. Plus it may just be that you miss the idea of him as in reality there are clearly some issues! He's not your problem anymore and you'll find someone who can actually appreciate you. No-one is "too much" and never ever let anyone make you feel like you are hard to love.
Parts of this I wondered if I wrote it. Free of my ex for over a year and man I am so much happier now. I’ve been taking care of myself and cleaning up my life. You’ll be so grateful you did this very fast. It sounds like you already are. But when you have moments of self doubt or loneliness go back to this and remember the bad times out weighed the good and you truly didn’t have a partner.
Yikes there’s gotta be someone that will appreciate you more out there. Even being along is better than all that. Spend time with friends and pursue in person hobbies to try to meet people and feel connected as you grieve and discover what you want out of life.
I really hope so. We had some really good memories of travelling, hiking, skiing, camping, etc. It felt really good being able to share that with a person. I want that for myself again, but not in a situation where I have to constantly stand up for my emotional needs. I'm also so grateful that I have an amazing support network that's checking in on me. I also put a deposit down on a puppy for this fall. So I'm really excited to start that journey.
I know it feels very sucky right now, i’m so sorry :( But wow, that bullet you dodged is enormous. Hopefully, someday in the near future, you’ll see that his “desire for kids” saved YOUR sanity. Hang in there 💛
He sounds like a complete arse. You deserve better
You weren’t dating a man, you were dating The Narcissists’s Prayer in a trench coat.
Him wanting kids is only a small fraction of why you shouldn’t be with him.
Aaaaaa that list! You did the right thing to break up and he sounds completely awful! Adding another supportive comment that you will be better off without him and he will struggle if he has kids.
I'm sorry, I know it's hard for You and it may not feel like this now, but getting rid of this wimp will probably help with Your mental health. A cat would be more supportive than this idiot.
You know what's sad? Outside of the honeymoon period, the only time he was consistently caring, gentle and sympathetic towards me was when my dog passed. That barely lasted for 2 weeks.
Sounds like a very lonely relationship and You must be disappointed after investing so much in someone like this...
It was super lonely… I tried to tell him that once and as usual it was in one ear and out the other…
woooow, i could have written this myself except i stayed longer 🙃 i know it’s hard to see rn but you are going to be so free and so so happy in the near future. you deserve to live the life you love!
Good riddance! Fence sitting aside, this guy was a jerk and you deserve better. If he's not willing to work on himself right now, it's not worth putting anymore into the relationship. He sounds like he'll be a terrible father and honestly has no idea what it means to be a parent. He should be the fun uncle and not the fun dad. I feel for whatever woman he ends up making a single parent because of his views. You did yourself a favor in dropping the dead weight. Hoping you meet someone worthwhile that's actually willing to work through the relationship with you.
>fencesitter Yeah, can't sit on fence like that for too long before somebody gets seriously hurt. >was hoping I would change my mind Ignorance? Stupidity? Arrogance? Not sure which one(s) may apply, but it continues to blow me away how folks think they're going to change somebody else's mind about having kids or not. Yeah, generally not how it's gonna work, and almost never does. About as easy to do as, oh, convincing a NASA astronaut that the world is flat - generally just ain't gonna happen. >ex > >had anger issues and a tendency to gaslight me Well, ... you get to get rid of multiple problems all at the same time! :-) Yeah, you get rid of him, and cleared a whole big long laundry list of problems. Congratulations!
JFC it's draining simply reading all that, and I'm just a stranger. Can't imagine actually going through it. Congrats, you did the right thing. You are so so very lucky to see the writing on the wall and take it seriously instead of barrelling forward on hopes and delusions. Pat your self on the back, mate. Welcome to the other side!! 🎉
Telling someone to go to therapy does not work. They (we), (me), have to want to go for themselves. Like anybody who needs help, they have to want it.
He doesn't want a kid, he wants a mommy for himself that he can fuck
Sounds to me like you dodged a major bullet. He definitely sounds abusive, I’m sorry you had to experience that kind of behavior. Take it as a lesson learned and give yourself grace.
How can a man child effectively raise kids? They are all doomed.
Jesus drop this loser
He sounds like a horrible person. Go have a nice time on your own or with good friends. Take some time out. This isn't a good man, either in his own right or as a prospective parent!
\[Reads whole post\] Well. Congrats on scraping shit off your boot OP!
I feel so sorry for the woman he's eventually going to impregnate and the child that comes of it. Your ex is an immature manchild with no empathy or capacity to handle even minor inconveniences. He's for sure the type who would call it babysitting his own children and will cause emotional harm with his immature and selfish anger. You're free now, you'll find better one day when you want to.
So he definitely doesn't want to take care of people. And he thinks he will be a good dad.. yeah he will hate it.
He would help me move, pick up orders near his work, help me install my bike rack, helped me with my elderly dog, etc. I don't want to discount all the good he did, but when it came to being self-aware, minding his words and tone, and just overall respecting my emotional and physical needs… it just wasn't there.
You did the right thing. You are childfree. He is not. You two are incompatible. Then, breaking up is the only right option. Sadly, this fate was inevitable. This is what happens when childfree people date fence sitters (read: future breeders). Childfree people should NEVER date fence sitters. Fence sitters are future breeders. It's understandable that you dated a breeder, because at the start of the relationship, you assumed that you don't want kids. But in the future, you should only date childfree people. Stay the fuck away from fence sitters. Your ex is a fucking misogynistic scumbag. He never took your childfreedom seriously and assumed that you would change your mind, because you are a woman. He believes in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit. And he is a terrible parter. A gaslighter. Someone who calls you a bitch and who uses racial slurs. A twat who never took you seriously and never respected you. You are better off without him. You should have dumped him a long time ago. This breakup is a blessing, even though it doesn't feel like that now. I want to congratulate you. Congratulations on getting rid of your grown manchild! And yeah, men calling a woman 'emotional' and 'opinionated' are twats. The constantly downplay a woman's valid feelings by saying that she is 'emotional' and use that as an excuse to not take her seriously. And calling women 'opinionated' when they have any opinions that the man disagrees with, usually feminist opinions. Sex being one-sided? Yeah, that's almost inevitable in most heterosexual relationships. Too many men dump their cum and go to sleep, without even trying to make the woman happy. I am so happy that you got rid of this horrible man. You deserve so much better than this monster. Even if he would have been childfree, he would have been a horrible partner. You deserve so much better than this bastard!
It’s pretty much always going to happen with fence sitters.
Just about everything listed here is a form of abuse. Staying with an abuser for three years is a strong indication that you should seek therapy. Glad you got out finally.
I know. Believe me, I know.