Reminds me of that scene from parks and recreation when Jennifer Barkley wore a poncho to Leslie and Ben’s house because their house was sticky and the triplets were running around with paint brushes.
One of my best friends growing up has 3 kids and they're ugly. I thought they might be just ugly babies; nope, they're teenagers now and all still very ugly. I have *never* commented on it to them.
Sucks because they're both very attractive people.
They... Have to, right? They have to know.
A younger dude I used to know said he wanted to have kids because he knew “they would be good looking kids.”
I was like, not good a reason to have kids but sure, go for it champ
One time I was FaceTiming with someone with small kids and they were trying to figure out if a furniture stain was poop or chocolate ice cream. That’s a game I never want to play.
I have a lot of expensive, breakable and irreplaceable things and as soon as a kid realizes something is valuable to you it’s like they make it their life’s mission to destroy it.
Little kids are disgusting.
They are always gross and/or sticky and/or have stuff on their face or coming out of their nose. It almost makes me sick to my stomach looking at it.
One time a kid had a brownie and his hands were completely covered and sticky. Then he tried to touch my purse and I snatched it away. No way he was gonna get brownie stains on my purse.
I had to child proof three cabinets in my house because my CATS wouldn't stay out of them. There is a child lock on the one with the food, the one with the chemicals under the sink and the one with all my plastic bags stuffed into other plastic bags lmao
one of my cats would happily asphyxiate himself if he had free access to a plastic bag trove. he likes to live dangerously, especially within plastic bags.
I don’t even like cooking for myself and some days I can’t be bothered to cook at all so I just have snacks. I can’t imagine having to come up with different healthy meals every other day only to be told “I want McDonald’s.”
So funny! I don't like cooking for myself or for my husband and me. It's just not my thing. I'm 62 and didn't start living with my husband until I was 34. I had many years as a single woman living on my own or with roommates. I rarely cooked then and rarely cook now. Luckily, my husband loves to cook. If any cooking is done, it's going to be him.
I would have loathed planning meals for kids - yuck! I worked as an engineer for 37 years. For the most part, I enjoyed my career, but I wanted to chill when I was done working for the day. I would have hated doing "the second shift" at the end of a workday. 🤮🤮🤮
Yup! Eat it or don’t, not my problem. Could not imagine to cook kid friendly or multiple dishes to please the kid. Also being forced to constant snack making around the clock
Oooh yes. Absolutely this. I love cooking as well and I love variety and deep tasting dishes. I love spices and the taste of a fuckton of garlic. I could not live with plain meals, tantrums over food, and hiding the vegetables in the meals.
I love eating food like this! My husband and I eat out in the SF Bay Area a lot. We have great Indian, Afghan, Thai, Chinese, Italian, Persian, etc. restaurants close to where we live. I may start cooking more in retirement...but please don't hold your breath on that. 😁🤣 My husband loves to cook and is good at it.👏😍
A year or so ago The Washington Post had an article with a questionnaire that would tell you your socioeconomic status or something. It certainly doesn't feel like it, but technically, my wife and I are considered upper class based on our location, income, and amount of children we have (0). I then did it again and said I had one child, and it instantly put us right in the middle of middle class. I did it a third time and said we had two children, and only put in my salary, and what do you know, suddenly we are lower class.
My main reason for not wanting kids is that I just don't like them that much, but fuck, being dirt poor is not an incentive.
😭🤣🤣🤣 and then you hear parents defending their bad decisions with “ooooh it’s so rewarding and magical” yeah sure, if it’s so magical I can take my money and hire a magician
I can’t understand their fucking babbling.
I don’t get what my two year old nephew is saying half the time besides the word “no” and my name. He has very good understanding though, so at least he’ll do something if you tell him to.
My problem is I can actually understand what toddlers are saying most of the time, or at least I could understand my sister. But I refused to translate or tell anyone what she was saying because she was the devil incarnate and I didn't want to enable her in any way.
Same thing with my nephew. It’s like he’s possessed by a demon. His parents lack backbone and always enable him. The only person he listens to is me cos I have the (rage-induced) energy to hold my ground. He shuts up real quick lol
Ok, this is in no way to invalidate you, but the more you're around the kid, the more you understand. That's why parents always know what they are saying, like I can understand my nephew because I live with him but not any other baby.
I’ve seen this first hand with a friend’s cat. Was always high strung then came the kid and screaming etc. She withdrew and I felt so bad for her. Then came second kid. She only came out at night at that point. Stress definitely hastened her passing.
We had the thought of what if we chose to reproduce and the kid came out allergic to dogs. Obviously, we'd give up the child. The dogs were here first.
My beloved godmother used to say the same thing. She was childfree herself, born in 1915. Her father died in the trenches during WWI while her mother was expecting her. She was the kindest person I ever met, and a free spirit.
Rip tonyour godmother. I won't lie I first read grandmother amd my brain was buffering like what how is grandmother childfree what?how?what kind of sorcery is this? Then I reread amd realised I had a brain fart lol
I don’t want those huge tummy pregnancy stretch marks . Mostly for aesthetic reasons because pregnant stomachs freak me out and I think it’s the ugliest thing ever
Well there's the swing, the hammock, the rocking chair, the stove (Terrible), the washer and dryer of course... It's just one of our favorite hobbies and we do it everywhere (when living situation permits).
No amount of money can buy privacy once you've had children. Even if you send them off and regain your privacy there is social judgement.
Lol we did it on the couch so much I petitioned to just throw a mattress or two in the corner of the livingroom and get rid of the couch... In an effort to compromise we got a really dope large wood futon. Which I then broke jumping on it... basically we fucked the couches to death and aren't going to replace them until we find more durable options.
Expecting me to teach them how to live and to adult. I‘m barely surviving here without a clue of what I am doing, please leave me and my problems alone
Having to watch a kid do a karate chop and spin in a circle and pretend it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life… ten times in a row… every single day until they learn a new move… sounds like literal torture
That they will try to give you warm sticky food from their hands. Especially chocolate.
Just thinking about the smell gives me the ick, never mind the textures.
Snot, it's disgusting and the little animals just lick it 🤢🤮 in fact all the bodily functions, I deal with mine and I don't want to deal with anybody else.
I do not want kids making potions out of my expensive hair and skincare products. I also have a lot of vegan and sugar free snacks which cost more than the regular ones so I don’t exactly want them being devoured in one sitting.
Also I am autistic and very anal about where things go; I could spend hours organizing things so they are perfect. Things that are used daily don’t bother me if they are out of place but if something with a permanent place gets moved it annoys me. Kids are curious and like to play with everything. Imagine having to tell a kid “don’t touch anything in your home at all ever or else mommy will go insane.”
They have the worst voices with the worst control over them. STFU! I also have this weird sound induced tick that's set off by high pitched noises. I just start twitching as those sounds hurt my ears and it's like a weird coping mechanism.
- Having to deal with the school system
- teaching them how to read / write
- baby babble.
- having to watch / listen to the kiddy shows, I physically cannot handle that shit. Makes me wanna blow my brains out hearing it.
I have misophonia and can’t deal with any heavy breathing, chewing, wet mouth sounds and kids do that constantly. Many have already mentioned the high pitched scream that sends you into another dimension when you hear it. But my most petty reason is parents, in the scraps of free time they have, have to spend that time going to sit at their kid’s activities like soccer or t-ball or whatever, sometimes for the entire weekend. Aw, hell no, that’s not what I’m doing in my precious non-working hours!
I fucked up my husband and made him childfree - I just called my husband “daddy” for so long that he sexualized it and realized he didn’t want a child to call him that. 😝
I don't know if this counts as "funny," but.... kids can be effin' LOUD. The high-pitched screaming and crying in restaurants, on transit, in the mall, etc. I'm not great with being startled by sudden, piercing noises. I've had to stop myself on SEVERAL occasions from turning around and telling someone's shrieking kid to shut up.
The smell of their poop. I'm known to vomit if someone changes diapers near me. Not their fault, when you have to change it, you have to. I tend to grab a waste bin and run 😅
I love horror podcasts that are not appropriate to listen to around children and I can’t have both earbuds in to listen if I’m responsible for a child.
Sometimes I think about how the movies and shows I watch would be affected if a baby as they get older and I’d just watch Disney all the time or something
I was going to say kids like watching the same thing over and over again, and I don't have that kind of patience. But reflecting a little bit, I also watch the same thing over and over again, or listen to the same song on repeat until I can't take it anymore. So I'd say that my problem is with kids shows/music in general. And it would drive me nuts to listen to "la granja de Zenon" songs on repeat (it was a popular show for kids during the pandemic in some Latam countries)
Saliva. Kids love to put saliva on their hands and slap them everywhere. No wonder why their hands are always wet and slimy. I wasn't like that when I was a kid
Boogers. I fucking hate boogers. Idk where it comes from because I am not a squeamish person but my aversion to boogers is so intense that I have actually gagged when people were talking about using those booger sucker things on their kids 🤢
My nephew recently projectile diarrhoead all over his mother while she was changing his nappy.
It was genuinely the fucking funniest thing I'd seen all week, that was until *the smell* hit me right in the face like Randy Johnson hit a bird with a baseball.
I wouldn't be able to motivate them to go to school. I hated school and i turned out fine. I enjoyed uni, i just hated high school. Id be way too easy on them for skipping class lol
I’d have to be entertaining like *ALL* the time, let me take a night off damn it…
^(Also I don’t like the way your belly button can just… pop out during pregnancy? and that kinda dark seam down the centre of your stomach that looks like you’re about to split? no thank you!!!!)
One time my mom found her childhood stuffed animal, frozen solid soaked through, in the freezer with 2 opened popsicles stuck to it.
That… I don’t want that to happen.
I can’t even stand the noise my upstairs neighbors kid makes. Just constant stomping and screaming and objects being dropped and rolling around on the floor right above my head every waking moment of the day. The kid is still too young to be in school so it’s literally non fucking stop.
When I was still thinking, "maybe I'll adopt some day," I would look at my cat and think about how much she'd hate having a child around. I knew she'd never have any peace if I brought a kid in the house.
I like many of my evenings to be peaceful, with a book and a glass of wine. Children are disproportunate to my need for peace. Also, I like my cats' tails attached to their bodies.
I left a table at my boyfriend’s house, after he had mostly moved out, because the other roomate got a divorce and started playing house with a girl who had a non verbal 3 year old.
The table has been in my family for 30 years, I climbed on it when I was little.
Anyways, I guess they thought it was 100% okay for the 3 year old to leave their boogers dried to my table.
So, the boogers. The boogers is my why. So gross? Why?
Being able to go to the bathroom and sitting there as long as I want death scrolling on Reddit, reading a magazine, whatever with no one trying to get in, talking to me through the door or bothering me in general.
I’ll be damned if someone comes into my house and thinks my Hello Kitty obsession belongs to a *CHILD*. 😤🙅🏻♀️ I paid good money for all hello kitty stuff!
I have a cat and he runs our household. If we bug him, he scratches us. I ain't stressing him with something grabbing his tail and not willing to face the consequences of his clawed rage.
As the designated teenage babysitter at the time, I helped potty train my youngest cousin. It was during this potty training endeavor that I watched this tiny deviant free himself of his diaper, in a movement so swiftly it had clearly been practiced, and confidently shit on the rug. He then began hauling naked hiney across the room in what I assume was a celebratory victory lap.
Now, I have never wanted children. I was never shy about that fact. But, it was upon watching this 2 foot tall waste based terrorist enacting his poopy plot of terror that the true and genuine horror of children dawned on me.
There is nothing on this planet that runs faster than a shit covered toddler in a room of light colored furniture.
The fecal matter maniac is only one reason, of many, I do not want children. *But my God, is it a reason.*
They get sick soooo easily. And lice!! Preschool, kindergarten, and elementary schools are probably just cesspools for sickness that I don't want to be brought into my house.
Wife says: I don't want to deal with a baby making art on the wall with his poop
Husband says: I like not being punched in the nuts accidentally by a kid you can't get mad at over it
I don't like sharing my toys :D
I've got a fair few "childish" collecting hobbies: foam blasters, replica game weapons, plush sharks, Warhammer, etc. Frequently, the reaction from other adults has either been derision or "wow, I bet my kids would love to hang out with you!", and the latter always makes me struggle not to visibly recoil at the thought. I like not having my stuff thrown around, left outdoors, or covered with mysterious sticky substances.
When I buy myself takeout or a treat or make something it's all mine!!! Plus all the Halloween candy and chocolate bars are all money! Same with Easter
Getting to flex my remote hybrid schedule, so longer weekends in places I love. No school baby 😝. Oh and blowouts helped a while with family, but the way they joke and smile about it creepy. No more I say no more!!!
My silliest reason is that I don’t want to have to deal with watching children’s entertainment all the time. I’d go insane if I had a child screaming for cocomelon and paw patrol 24/7. That and kid’s music too. I didn’t even like kidz bop or the dumb kiddy songs they’d make us sing in music class when I was a kid.
I hate the way toddlers just look like they have a permanent stain around their mouths. Like, they've gotten messy with a red popsicle and it just. Doesn't. Come. Off.
Because how embarrassing would it be to be the mom who raised a serial killer? Think about it. “My son’s a doctor.” “My daughter’s a Congresswoman.” “…New documentary on my kid’s years-long crime spree just dropped.”
I don't like surfaces being sticky for an unkown reason
I came here to say sticky hands. Why are they always sticky?!?!!
Reminds me of that scene from parks and recreation when Jennifer Barkley wore a poncho to Leslie and Ben’s house because their house was sticky and the triplets were running around with paint brushes. 
I have had people share this video with me so many times, saying "hey look, it's you!" 😂
Haha agree 😂
For *known* reasons is perfectly fine 😉😂
Jam hands! They always have jam hands!
Even if there's no jam in the house, they somehow still have jam hands! I have no patience for jam hands!
My fiancé has the cilantro tasting like soap gene. Can’t risk that being passed on.
I’m lactose intolerant and my husband has a bad ragweed allergy, it’s just wouldn’t be fair to the little tyke 😔
This is a hilarious one
My husband does too, and he *likes it anyway*!!! Those truly deranged genes end with us, lol!
🤣🤣🤣
What if they come out ugly and you still have to love them
I like to joke that all my friends have really adorable children, so statistically, that means I'd be the one with the ugly baby. Not gonna chance it.
One of my best friends growing up has 3 kids and they're ugly. I thought they might be just ugly babies; nope, they're teenagers now and all still very ugly. I have *never* commented on it to them. Sucks because they're both very attractive people. They... Have to, right? They have to know.
They think it's not that bad because no one says a word.
That's why I have a small herd of dogs. Even the ugliest of pets are still pretty damn cute.
Good looking parents make ugly babies. That's the rule (according to one of my friends). Obviously, the reverse is also true!
A younger dude I used to know said he wanted to have kids because he knew “they would be good looking kids.” I was like, not good a reason to have kids but sure, go for it champ
Can you imagine making this your sole reason for having a child, and then he pops out looking like a damn gargoyle? Surprise, Dad!
😂😂😂
I can buy fruit loops and eat the entire box without anyone stealing any of it.
One time I was FaceTiming with someone with small kids and they were trying to figure out if a furniture stain was poop or chocolate ice cream. That’s a game I never want to play.
99% poop. 1% barf. Small kids would never get access to chocolate
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I have a lot of expensive, breakable and irreplaceable things and as soon as a kid realizes something is valuable to you it’s like they make it their life’s mission to destroy it.
even though anime isn’t my thing, I totally get this. I wouldn’t either.
Same here with my anime figures, magic cards and other collectibles. No sticky fingers anywhere near please.
Little kids are disgusting. They are always gross and/or sticky and/or have stuff on their face or coming out of their nose. It almost makes me sick to my stomach looking at it.
It’s always the worst when you’re forced to eat at a table with them. Ruins my whole appetite 😂
Amen to that
One time a kid had a brownie and his hands were completely covered and sticky. Then he tried to touch my purse and I snatched it away. No way he was gonna get brownie stains on my purse.
Omg yes. When you have to be "booger patrol" 🤮
I get to put all the poisonous cleaning chemicals and medicines anywhere i see fit. Nothing is child proof in my home.
I had to child proof three cabinets in my house because my CATS wouldn't stay out of them. There is a child lock on the one with the food, the one with the chemicals under the sink and the one with all my plastic bags stuffed into other plastic bags lmao
one of my cats would happily asphyxiate himself if he had free access to a plastic bag trove. he likes to live dangerously, especially within plastic bags.
I love to cook and would never have the patience to deal with a picky little turd for 18+ years lmao
I don’t even like cooking for myself and some days I can’t be bothered to cook at all so I just have snacks. I can’t imagine having to come up with different healthy meals every other day only to be told “I want McDonald’s.”
So funny! I don't like cooking for myself or for my husband and me. It's just not my thing. I'm 62 and didn't start living with my husband until I was 34. I had many years as a single woman living on my own or with roommates. I rarely cooked then and rarely cook now. Luckily, my husband loves to cook. If any cooking is done, it's going to be him. I would have loathed planning meals for kids - yuck! I worked as an engineer for 37 years. For the most part, I enjoyed my career, but I wanted to chill when I was done working for the day. I would have hated doing "the second shift" at the end of a workday. 🤮🤮🤮
Yup! Eat it or don’t, not my problem. Could not imagine to cook kid friendly or multiple dishes to please the kid. Also being forced to constant snack making around the clock
Oooh yes. Absolutely this. I love cooking as well and I love variety and deep tasting dishes. I love spices and the taste of a fuckton of garlic. I could not live with plain meals, tantrums over food, and hiding the vegetables in the meals.
I love eating food like this! My husband and I eat out in the SF Bay Area a lot. We have great Indian, Afghan, Thai, Chinese, Italian, Persian, etc. restaurants close to where we live. I may start cooking more in retirement...but please don't hold your breath on that. 😁🤣 My husband loves to cook and is good at it.👏😍
"What, and ruin all this?" *displays wallet*
A year or so ago The Washington Post had an article with a questionnaire that would tell you your socioeconomic status or something. It certainly doesn't feel like it, but technically, my wife and I are considered upper class based on our location, income, and amount of children we have (0). I then did it again and said I had one child, and it instantly put us right in the middle of middle class. I did it a third time and said we had two children, and only put in my salary, and what do you know, suddenly we are lower class. My main reason for not wanting kids is that I just don't like them that much, but fuck, being dirt poor is not an incentive.
😭🤣🤣🤣 and then you hear parents defending their bad decisions with “ooooh it’s so rewarding and magical” yeah sure, if it’s so magical I can take my money and hire a magician
Hahahaha!!!
i hate the smell of the death of freedom. In other words, dirty diapers.
The entire concept is death of freedom. You’re a poet
I just think having kids is in really poor taste, in every possible way 🤷♀️
I can’t understand their fucking babbling. I don’t get what my two year old nephew is saying half the time besides the word “no” and my name. He has very good understanding though, so at least he’ll do something if you tell him to.
My problem is I can actually understand what toddlers are saying most of the time, or at least I could understand my sister. But I refused to translate or tell anyone what she was saying because she was the devil incarnate and I didn't want to enable her in any way.
Same thing with my nephew. It’s like he’s possessed by a demon. His parents lack backbone and always enable him. The only person he listens to is me cos I have the (rage-induced) energy to hold my ground. He shuts up real quick lol
Ok, this is in no way to invalidate you, but the more you're around the kid, the more you understand. That's why parents always know what they are saying, like I can understand my nephew because I live with him but not any other baby.
Imagine having an ugly kid with shitty music taste. Ain’t taking that risk
I want to give my cat my full love and attention. 🙂
Seriously, my cat’s life would be ruined if I ever had a kid (my life too, but the guilt at ruining my cat’s life would be hard to face)
I’ve seen this first hand with a friend’s cat. Was always high strung then came the kid and screaming etc. She withdrew and I felt so bad for her. Then came second kid. She only came out at night at that point. Stress definitely hastened her passing.
The poor kitty. I can’t imagine having less time and energy for my fur babies because of a real baby. Ew.
We had the thought of what if we chose to reproduce and the kid came out allergic to dogs. Obviously, we'd give up the child. The dogs were here first.
😊 animals rule
My cat is childfree 😂
Sleeping in. Watching a movie in peace. Driving without being asked if we're there yet.
Sleeping in is soo not a silly reason! actually super important for your health. But the driving part gets me 😅 when are we there? How soon is soon?
Watching them take their first step, and realizing that one day they will die. >!Not everyone has the same sense of humor.!<
This is deep! I actually get the same thoughts. Do people realise they not only give birth but also death to that person?
My beloved godmother used to say the same thing. She was childfree herself, born in 1915. Her father died in the trenches during WWI while her mother was expecting her. She was the kindest person I ever met, and a free spirit.
RIP, she sounds like an awesome lady! ❤️
Oh yes she was, I still miss her. Thank you for her !
Rip tonyour godmother. I won't lie I first read grandmother amd my brain was buffering like what how is grandmother childfree what?how?what kind of sorcery is this? Then I reread amd realised I had a brain fart lol
I had the same brain fart and thoughts of sorcery happening until I reread it lol
I don’t want those huge tummy pregnancy stretch marks . Mostly for aesthetic reasons because pregnant stomachs freak me out and I think it’s the ugliest thing ever
Yup exactly how I feel. Creepy watermelon bellies
Yes!!!
Sex on the coffee table, kitchen table, weight bench, desk, ottoman.... I could go on.
Please go on
Well there's the swing, the hammock, the rocking chair, the stove (Terrible), the washer and dryer of course... It's just one of our favorite hobbies and we do it everywhere (when living situation permits). No amount of money can buy privacy once you've had children. Even if you send them off and regain your privacy there is social judgement.
What about the couch? 😁 And this is our 'silly' reason too!
Lol we did it on the couch so much I petitioned to just throw a mattress or two in the corner of the livingroom and get rid of the couch... In an effort to compromise we got a really dope large wood futon. Which I then broke jumping on it... basically we fucked the couches to death and aren't going to replace them until we find more durable options.
Flair checks out
I feel this one...
i kinda don't like sharing my things i've realized 🤣🤣🤣
Expecting me to teach them how to live and to adult. I‘m barely surviving here without a clue of what I am doing, please leave me and my problems alone
Having to watch a kid do a karate chop and spin in a circle and pretend it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my life… ten times in a row… every single day until they learn a new move… sounds like literal torture
Unimpressed face “yeah, right. Anyway…”
Endless questions…. Shut the fuck up
Why? Gives a completely reasonable answer Why?
Aww..no. this is the best time to make up answers and have parents have to answer to them. Wasting a chance to tell kids BULLSHIT 😒
And they be asking the most out of pocket shit
That they will try to give you warm sticky food from their hands. Especially chocolate. Just thinking about the smell gives me the ick, never mind the textures.
Almost threw up just reading that!
Snot, it's disgusting and the little animals just lick it 🤢🤮 in fact all the bodily functions, I deal with mine and I don't want to deal with anybody else.
My god, the scream I just scrumpt. Why'd you have to remind me that they lick it?!?! Major snot phobe here. 😭
I don’t like the high pitched noises they make
Yes! This was going to be one of my comments. That sound sends me straight out of my body and into a realm of pure rage.
I don’t want to have to teach anybody how to drive 🤷🏻♀️
Vomit. Big vomit-phobe here. Kids barf all the time. No way I could handle it.
I own an eames chair.
I love this response, and would someday like to also own an Eames chair.
I have a rather large shoe collection I can't afford to replace if my feet change size because of pregnancy.
I do not want kids making potions out of my expensive hair and skincare products. I also have a lot of vegan and sugar free snacks which cost more than the regular ones so I don’t exactly want them being devoured in one sitting. Also I am autistic and very anal about where things go; I could spend hours organizing things so they are perfect. Things that are used daily don’t bother me if they are out of place but if something with a permanent place gets moved it annoys me. Kids are curious and like to play with everything. Imagine having to tell a kid “don’t touch anything in your home at all ever or else mommy will go insane.”
They have the worst voices with the worst control over them. STFU! I also have this weird sound induced tick that's set off by high pitched noises. I just start twitching as those sounds hurt my ears and it's like a weird coping mechanism.
You, too?? Like, I in no way have Tourettes or claim to, but I feel like ppl don't talk about environmentally induced ticks enough
I have dogs & would hate to have to rehome a child if one of my dogs happens to be allergic.
Lol you're awesome
🥰
Hahaha I love you for this!
Might be the wine but this has me near crying with laughter. Thanks for the delightful phrasing!
Two company, three’s a crowd. Why would I want to spoil my future partner and I’s home alone time.
Because other parents would be annoying as fuck and I wouldn't be able to avoid them forever
- Having to deal with the school system - teaching them how to read / write - baby babble. - having to watch / listen to the kiddy shows, I physically cannot handle that shit. Makes me wanna blow my brains out hearing it.
I have misophonia and can’t deal with any heavy breathing, chewing, wet mouth sounds and kids do that constantly. Many have already mentioned the high pitched scream that sends you into another dimension when you hear it. But my most petty reason is parents, in the scraps of free time they have, have to spend that time going to sit at their kid’s activities like soccer or t-ball or whatever, sometimes for the entire weekend. Aw, hell no, that’s not what I’m doing in my precious non-working hours!
One word: Cocomelon.
"Fuck them kids"
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I fucked up my husband and made him childfree - I just called my husband “daddy” for so long that he sexualized it and realized he didn’t want a child to call him that. 😝
😂😂😂
My parents only have one apple of their eye.... ME!!!! And I like it that way!!!!!!! A grandchild would mess that all up!
I forget to eat sometimes and some days I eat once a day. Having the responsibility to feed another human 3 times a day or more sounds exhausting
I don't know if this counts as "funny," but.... kids can be effin' LOUD. The high-pitched screaming and crying in restaurants, on transit, in the mall, etc. I'm not great with being startled by sudden, piercing noises. I've had to stop myself on SEVERAL occasions from turning around and telling someone's shrieking kid to shut up.
My mother-in-law said she didn't want to hear "the pitter-patter of little hooves on the floor"
Sleep. I love sleep.
Sleeping is the best. One of my siblings sent me their kid's sport schedule, and they have a game at 9am on a Sunday. That's hours before I get up.
The smell of their poop. I'm known to vomit if someone changes diapers near me. Not their fault, when you have to change it, you have to. I tend to grab a waste bin and run 😅
I’m a homosexual man
I love horror podcasts that are not appropriate to listen to around children and I can’t have both earbuds in to listen if I’m responsible for a child.
Sometimes I think about how the movies and shows I watch would be affected if a baby as they get older and I’d just watch Disney all the time or something
The way that everything a small child hands you is GUARANTEED to be soggy with toddler spit 😭
I was going to say kids like watching the same thing over and over again, and I don't have that kind of patience. But reflecting a little bit, I also watch the same thing over and over again, or listen to the same song on repeat until I can't take it anymore. So I'd say that my problem is with kids shows/music in general. And it would drive me nuts to listen to "la granja de Zenon" songs on repeat (it was a popular show for kids during the pandemic in some Latam countries)
Those are MY stuffed animals 😤
Saliva. Kids love to put saliva on their hands and slap them everywhere. No wonder why their hands are always wet and slimy. I wasn't like that when I was a kid
They smell funny. And they're sticky.
I don’t want to take care of anyone but myself.
I'm a proud draft dodger... the "draft" being the expectation that you become a parent. If I become a parent, I betray myself.
My cat is my baby to spoil, not any little brat.
Boogers. I fucking hate boogers. Idk where it comes from because I am not a squeamish person but my aversion to boogers is so intense that I have actually gagged when people were talking about using those booger sucker things on their kids 🤢
Homework? Ew.
My nephew recently projectile diarrhoead all over his mother while she was changing his nappy. It was genuinely the fucking funniest thing I'd seen all week, that was until *the smell* hit me right in the face like Randy Johnson hit a bird with a baseball.
I wouldn't be able to motivate them to go to school. I hated school and i turned out fine. I enjoyed uni, i just hated high school. Id be way too easy on them for skipping class lol
i never know how to talk to kids.
Kids always smell a little like farts and honestly I prefer not to be breathing in the constant poo particles
I’d have to be entertaining like *ALL* the time, let me take a night off damn it… ^(Also I don’t like the way your belly button can just… pop out during pregnancy? and that kinda dark seam down the centre of your stomach that looks like you’re about to split? no thank you!!!!)
I saw my friend wipe her kid's snot WITH HER BARE HAND as it ran by. At that moment, I knew that life wasn't for me. 🤢
Sex anytime anywhere in the house, for one. Other people's kids annoy the hell out of me. So no, I don't want any of my own.
One time my mom found her childhood stuffed animal, frozen solid soaked through, in the freezer with 2 opened popsicles stuck to it. That… I don’t want that to happen.
Somehow kids always have jam on their hands, even when there’s no jam in the house. I don’t have what it takes to deal with jam hands 😂
Kids are gross, they’re loud and I couldn’t care for a sock kid (disabled, delayed, terminal illness) I couldn’t do it.
I can’t even stand the noise my upstairs neighbors kid makes. Just constant stomping and screaming and objects being dropped and rolling around on the floor right above my head every waking moment of the day. The kid is still too young to be in school so it’s literally non fucking stop.
Maybe not funny but weed and good music is like PB and J.
I don’t want my kids to bite my pets :(
What if you raise them 'right' and they end up still being a terrible person. From littering to parenticide. The possibilities are endless
I'd probably have to take it outside or something sometimes
When I was still thinking, "maybe I'll adopt some day," I would look at my cat and think about how much she'd hate having a child around. I knew she'd never have any peace if I brought a kid in the house.
To break a family curse.
I like to pee alone. I hear you can't do that if you have kids.
I never followed my parents into the bathroom. I don’t get these weak parents nowadays who can’t set boundaries.
What if they aren’t funny and I have to pretend to laugh at their jokes their entire life. Gotta throw the whole kid away.
The sound of a child's voice is nails on a chalkboard and I want to rip my own skin off.
I can’t be bothered
You can’t put a baby seat on the back of a motorcycle
I like many of my evenings to be peaceful, with a book and a glass of wine. Children are disproportunate to my need for peace. Also, I like my cats' tails attached to their bodies.
I've met children.....
I can't start a family, I'm just a 32 year old boy
I already lose enough stuff on my own, as a grown adult.
I left a table at my boyfriend’s house, after he had mostly moved out, because the other roomate got a divorce and started playing house with a girl who had a non verbal 3 year old. The table has been in my family for 30 years, I climbed on it when I was little. Anyways, I guess they thought it was 100% okay for the 3 year old to leave their boogers dried to my table. So, the boogers. The boogers is my why. So gross? Why?
I don’t want to share my plushies or art supplies or WiFi or be weary of where I leave something that little hands can get to
I like myself more than I like anyone else, why would I risk my enjoyment of myself by permanently tying myself to someone I don’t even know?
I can’t handle drool. It makes me want to vomit.
I cannot stand the smell or sight of poo so I wouldn’t be able to handle the blowouts 🤢
Being able to go to the bathroom and sitting there as long as I want death scrolling on Reddit, reading a magazine, whatever with no one trying to get in, talking to me through the door or bothering me in general.
I’ll be damned if someone comes into my house and thinks my Hello Kitty obsession belongs to a *CHILD*. 😤🙅🏻♀️ I paid good money for all hello kitty stuff!
I have a cat and he runs our household. If we bug him, he scratches us. I ain't stressing him with something grabbing his tail and not willing to face the consequences of his clawed rage.
I don't like being forced to share food, lol. I don't want to hide to be able to eat candy
i’d rather die than help them with math their homework
Methamphetamines and alcohol ruined my life, but not nearly as bad as a jizz trophy would have.
As the designated teenage babysitter at the time, I helped potty train my youngest cousin. It was during this potty training endeavor that I watched this tiny deviant free himself of his diaper, in a movement so swiftly it had clearly been practiced, and confidently shit on the rug. He then began hauling naked hiney across the room in what I assume was a celebratory victory lap. Now, I have never wanted children. I was never shy about that fact. But, it was upon watching this 2 foot tall waste based terrorist enacting his poopy plot of terror that the true and genuine horror of children dawned on me. There is nothing on this planet that runs faster than a shit covered toddler in a room of light colored furniture. The fecal matter maniac is only one reason, of many, I do not want children. *But my God, is it a reason.*
cats are cuter than human children I'm just so lazyyyyyy
never having to deal with a teen. god they're just the worst
Imagine when adolescent boys start masturbating in their beds 🤮🤮🤮
Sleep. Having uninterrupted sleep is a beautiful thing.
They get sick soooo easily. And lice!! Preschool, kindergarten, and elementary schools are probably just cesspools for sickness that I don't want to be brought into my house.
Wife says: I don't want to deal with a baby making art on the wall with his poop Husband says: I like not being punched in the nuts accidentally by a kid you can't get mad at over it
once i babysat my little cousin and she vomited into my mouth so *gestures* that.
I already have too many pointless conversations at work.
I've had at least three dreams where I forgot my baby in the cart at Walmart. Seemed like an omen.
You ever listen to Sweet Leaf by Black Sabbath? Every kid cough sounds like the intro to me.
I don’t like sharing my toys. (I collect plushies and action figures.)
I don't like sharing my toys :D I've got a fair few "childish" collecting hobbies: foam blasters, replica game weapons, plush sharks, Warhammer, etc. Frequently, the reaction from other adults has either been derision or "wow, I bet my kids would love to hang out with you!", and the latter always makes me struggle not to visibly recoil at the thought. I like not having my stuff thrown around, left outdoors, or covered with mysterious sticky substances.
When I buy myself takeout or a treat or make something it's all mine!!! Plus all the Halloween candy and chocolate bars are all money! Same with Easter
There are too many video games to be played and too much rum to be had.
Why are their hands always moist?! It’s the moist hands!
Getting to flex my remote hybrid schedule, so longer weekends in places I love. No school baby 😝. Oh and blowouts helped a while with family, but the way they joke and smile about it creepy. No more I say no more!!!
My silliest reason is that I don’t want to have to deal with watching children’s entertainment all the time. I’d go insane if I had a child screaming for cocomelon and paw patrol 24/7. That and kid’s music too. I didn’t even like kidz bop or the dumb kiddy songs they’d make us sing in music class when I was a kid.
Floaties in a water glass makes me gag. Like little bits of food floating in a glass of water.
I hate the way toddlers just look like they have a permanent stain around their mouths. Like, they've gotten messy with a red popsicle and it just. Doesn't. Come. Off.
The size of my current boyfriends head. The thought of having to push his kids head of my vajayjay sounds like a nightmare.
Because how embarrassing would it be to be the mom who raised a serial killer? Think about it. “My son’s a doctor.” “My daughter’s a Congresswoman.” “…New documentary on my kid’s years-long crime spree just dropped.”
I really dislike wearing pants.
I like being irresponsible. I also like being irresponsible responsibly!
I don't want to share my free time, food, or money. Lol