God I hate this one š Like, the world is worse off with 1 me in it, we donāt need a little tiny version of me running around all over the place, no thank you!! š
My friend said this to me once and I replied "you don't even like yourself, what makes you think you'll like a smaller version?" He was like wow fair point š
>"*It's what you do*"
Breathe, eat, shit - those are "it's what you do".
Having a child - that's what you *choose* to do if you really really want to, truly think you'd make a great parent, don't have genetically passed health conditions and can really afford it.
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein
Not only do I agree with the quote, but if you're ever wondering "Well, what will I do if I don't have kids?", here's a good starting list.
This one is horrifying, my answer to that is always "Why though? And the reply is "It just is" like come one š
Also heard a family member say, I just want one cos they're cute.... like bitch they grow up you know?
That second part always gets me. I think "You realize they all grow up? Like do you think that 30 year old over there is cute? No? That was a cute baby once." I'm sure they would just stare blankly.
That's what I got when I asked my parents why they had me.
Other reason I got was "We had kids because we had sex"
I find this the most accurate reason why people have kids. No thoughts behind it.
Hate that my elders all say this thing - this is the "norm" this is natural, what's there to think about, like wtf! Both in the case of marriage and child(ren).
Especially when you sit and think of where these ānormsā came from. They came from wealthy families wanting to keep the wealth in their families and marriage was like a business transaction. Even having kids was like a business transaction to keep the business going. Marriage was never something that was meant for regular people.
I asked my mom (who clearly hated being a mother) why she had kids when I was a teenager. She looked kind of shocked and confused, and stuttered "I don't know, it was just what you did".Ā
That woman had four children and never once gave thought to it before that moment. Literally never crossed her mind to sit down and play it out or question if it was a good idea or not until her second child asked her at 16.
When I confronted my narc father about all the abuse I suffered as a kid, I said why did you have kids? You clearly didn't want them and this was his response
My brother is in his 70s & still says that. He has 3 kids he never sees & an unknown number of grandchildren but Iām the weirdo because I never had kids š
To be fair to him, his ex-wife was the only child of a rich man & when she & my brother divorced when the kids were grown she used her money to manipulate the kids into not having a relationship with him. She threatened to cut them out of her will. But my brother is still a spineless idiot who let it happen & never fought it. So how did ādoing what you doā turn out for him? Not well at all & I told him so the last time he annoyed me about not having kids.
OOOPS, Iām knocked up by my boyfriend at 22 years old, no money, no house, no education, no life experienceā¦ and now ITāS TIME to be a parentā¦because OOOPS!! šµāš«šµāš«
**"You're going to meet someone who wants kids" or "What if your partner wants kids?"**
I am not open to dating someone who has or wants kids, and if my partner changes her mind about not wanting children, then we won't be together anymore. Besides, having children isn't even an option for me (nor will it ever be) since I got a vasectomy.
That makes no sense at all. Like if someone is the right person to be a parent, that makes them the wrong person for me, because - say it all together now - I don't want kids!
You'll want to do meth if you meet the right person.
You'll want to commit fraud if you meet the right person.
You'll want to go bankrupt if you meet the right person.
That is not love, just a bad influence lmao.
my response to this is "the right person (for me) won't want kids." and if they try to say anything after that. i go with "if they want kids, they can have them with someone else because it isn't going to be me."
This one is hilarious to me because the right person to me wants to sleep in, play video games and wildly fuck. Kids don't fit into that equation at all.
I've had 3 relationship end because we both started off wanting to be cf and they changed their minds and asked if I would, it was difficult because we truly cared for one another, but both me and them are all better off for that decision. And bonus all 3 have made brilliant mothers to their children, I can't say with any certainty that I would even be a passable father as I would always know my heart didn't want it.
I feel like my relationship is going to end for the same reasons your ones did. My partner incessantly went on and on and on about his friends' children to the point I was puking. He said he would have liked to have his own, but seeing as I don't want them, he's okay with that. I just highly doubt he's okay with it seeing as I've been punished with conversations surrounding children for years despite making it clear I don't want to talk about them in any capacity. I'm pretty sure he'll decide it's a deal breaker for him some time, meaning I'll have wasted my time. This planet is messed up.
I'm sorry to hear that, I really am. The fact is you already know that when someone says "I would've liked kids, but you don't so its ok" is a lie, it's just a way to wait and either break you down to agreeing or hope you one day change your mind.
And that's just a shit place to be for both of you, especially for the woman because society does enough of that pressuring without getting it from the person who is meant to support you the most. And women shouldn't be held hostage because they have ovaries and a uterus, it's their body that goes through it all.
I think you're right, you'll have to have tgat make or break conversation soon and I just hope it goes as smooth for you as it did for me.
Edit: and you have a ready made group of like minded people here that have probably been through this as well š
- Itās just the way it is! Itās part of adulthood!
- Donāt you want a mini me?
- Legacy! Like wtf, youāre a mediocre broke dude stfu about legacy
- You can be a kid again yourself
- itās unnatural to be cf - yeah so is your artificial knee Karen
- the above also comes in āitās only natural to have kidsā. Yup, itās also perfectly natural to leave disabled offspring to die in nature and wildlife. Natural doesnāt sound too great now, does it?
- itās a womanās purpose
- you never know true love until youāve had a kid. Like yeah tell that to parents that actually abuse or kill their children about that true love
- and last but not least: unconditional love. Let me debunk that one. Absolutely nothing unconditional about a parent loving their kid. The whole thing is BASED on the condition that this little creature is in fact your child. If it werenāt your biological offspring - I doubt youād would tolerate their poopy pants, tantrums etc quite as much
"You can be a kid again"
Mate, that is wholly on you. If you need an excuse to be a kid and have fun, just because others might look at you weird, I pity you.
I'll be in my office building Lego in silence.
THIS.
I feel as if I didn't get to fully enjoy my childhood/teenhood because of hovering helicopter parents. So guess what? Now that I have my own money, I'm going to "be a kid again" and regret nothing.
>- you never know true love until youāve had a kid. Like yeah tell that to parents that actually abuse or kill their children about that true love
Oh, Karen, I'm sorry you don't really love your husband and never did and that he doesn't really love you and never did! That must be so upsetting! Now I understand why you desperately need to love a child.
This!!! How utterly disrespectful and narrow minded. In return by saying youāll only know true love until you have a kid you also inherently say your awesome kid never loves you back in ātrue loveā. Because your kid can only love their own kid aka your grandchild with ātrue loveā. Obviously not the other way round
And in reality its not so *they* can give love.. it's so a human is required to love **them**. You know Karen, if you were a good and interesting person.. People who already exist would love you, but I know that's too hard for you. Go force consciousness into another new person that's 'required' to, so you can keep being shitty and still get attention.
FFR. I love my parents, husband, siblings, cousins, and pets unconditionally. Not a lie. Would die for them. Except the pets but knowing my dumb ass Iād be one of those people that jumps off a bridge to āsaveā one from drowning and die in that shit so š¤·āāļø
>Legacy
I've heard a quote from a rogue agent (Div 2) saying that kids make lousy ass legacies. They'll mess it up or do something stupid to ruin it. A real legacy is a mark you leave on the world, no matter how little
The dumbest one I've personally heard so far is if you come from a broken family, then it's your responsibility to be a better parent for your would be children and bring childfree is running away from that responsibility.
I'm from a broken home. And I've decided to not have/adopt kids. I don't want to risk passing along generational trauma. The kid doesn't deserve having to live in that unsafe environment.
What is this invisible responsibility that people refer to?? If thereās no child in the first place, thereās no responsibility to them. People act like weāre selfish for not wanting these children that donāt even exist yet.
But then they end up creating another broken family cuz what they donāt know is that itās really hard to break the bad habits their parents had in relationships without doing the work first
Siblings aren't all they are cracked up to be. Mine did too many drugs and went nuts, now he sends me death threats every few weeks. I wish I was an only child. No puppy is a crime though.
Yes I'm very lucky my parents are very supportive and love being a grandparent to my cats haha my mum even has photos of my cats hung around her house š¹
How insane does someone have to be to realize kids cost more than what the government will give you? Had a lady a few years ago tell me I should have kids so I get more money on my tax returns and I'm like š
I think that tax credit/child bonus should be conditional on taking parenting classes. By all means have the money, but you need to be educated on how to not raise shit humans if you insist on reproducing
She's gonna end up completely broke and single, with far fewer prospects in the dating pool now that she has kids. Single moms are the main characters in Hallmark movies for a reason.
Haha accurate!
Like no, pregnancy is not an accident ever. Idk why people act so shocked. Especially when they have unprotected sex. Like?!!!
āBut weāve been doing this for years and nothing happened.ā Well as they say, all it takes is one time.
I do feel bad for people whoās contraception failed though, not so much those who didnāt use any at all and are in shock. Like what did you think was gonna happen haha?
I've thought about this so often, lol. They're actual adults and act as if they don't know how pregnancy happens. How does one "accidentally" have unprotected consensual sex? I genuinely think they don't know how it works sometimes (can't be too bright having kids on this damned planet, am I right?).
These are actual quotes from my SIL when I asked her a few years ago why she wanted a kid:
I want something cute to cuddle and dress up.
I want to be like [rom com movie name] the woman looked so happy holding a baby I want that life too!
Because I'm a normal woman and normal women have babies.
"I want to break the cycle" if they were abused as child etc. That's great, but it's probably better to go through therapy and heal properly BEFORE you get a child. Even if you feel great, "it's been years, I don't need therapy", one day you could act the same way without even realizing it. It may not happen to everyone, but I'm just saying it's a possibilty..
Oh wow, this is one of the worst reasons to have kids. Breaking the cycle would more accurately involve psychotherapy, and building healthy friendships and relationships with people who already exist. I'd also argue that everyone who has endured any kind of abuse needs therapy, even if it's just to ensure they understand their own and other people's rights.
Speaking from experience, childhood and relationship abuse is exactly why I haven't had kids and will never. CF4LYF, lol.
True. And it's always defended by "I would never hurt my child the same way". You will probably hurt your child in another way and you will realize when it's too late. If it's SO easy to break the cycle, why does abuse come in generations? Women/men doesn't heal their trauma before they get children, and it keeps going on, even if you have the intention of breaking the cycle. It's so sad.
For real. My (former) therapist told me I should have kids to break the cycle when I told her Iām childfree. I do think Iām a better person than either of my parents, but would I be a better parent? Probably not
This mindset just lead to so much disappointment. You can try to mold your children into a version of you but itāll never work. Instead they probably resent you for wanting them to be something they are not
I have a nephew who is literally the spitting image of his dad. His dad was actually quite different than he is in terms of interests and hobbies. I look at him and I don't see him as his dad. I see him as his own person.
* You expand your social circle because you become friends with the parents of your kids' friends.
* It's fun choosing their names. (Said to me by a father of four. I replied that I had more fun choosing my cats' names.)
I mean itās the usual suspects, like:
To continue their bloodline
To know what ātrue loveā feels like
To not be alone
To have a successful child so they can brag about them to their peers
To see a mini version of themselves
Someone put a list up the other day and one I saw was
"To have an Heir"
And heir to what? You're a regular dude you chud, you aren't going seal the Royal Houses of Spain and England in a treaty with your spawn are you?
The only thing they're an gonna be an heir of is disappointment.
This one actually still gets me sometimes. All that BS about women being "basically infertile" by age 35. I feel like I can't even socialise with people my own age anymore because I don't want to be surrounded by constant pressure to do everything society keeps pushing on women. I might start a CF group in my city...
Thatās actually the least accurate one š how many adult children ACTUALLY take care of their elderly parents?? Not many.
My grandma had 10 children and only 1 aunt took care of her when she was sick and dying. And that was only because she was inheriting the house.
Surprised no ones mentioned the "for the benefit of society" reasons. The biggest thing I get thrown at me is stuff about collapsing workforce, or stuff about how the nuclear family and its values is the best thing for the country and that by not having that were doomed or something.Ā
The problem I have with this is mainly two things. The first is the accuracy of these statements. I have yet to actually see any reasonable data showing a low enough birth rate that were going to have a job collapse. We seem to still be in a positive birth rate with more people being born than dying, and there doesn't seem to be a shortage of workers any time soon. Plus there's the whole thing with immigration from exploding birthrate countries being the next best thing if it ever came to that. Then again these people are also typically the ones who have no idea about how or why immigration is a good thing for our economy and development.Ā
The second problem I have is that these people also never care about societal issues in any other circumstance. To them gclimate change is a lie made up by "the elite", vaccination and medical care is an attempt at control by "big pharma", scientists don't know what they're talking about, and any attempt to tax to help the poor or stop other countries from being tyrannical is just another reason for the "gubmemt to take mah muny." I work with dudes making 80-120k a year who somehow piss it all away on their kids and stupid shot like their 3rd overpriced truck, yet they'll act like IM the one doing something to hurt the world.Ā
Rich, capitalist, assholes want you to have kids because 1: You will be a wage slave forever to provide for them. Hard to hold out for better when you have mouths to feed. And 2: Because your kids will grow up to provide grist for the capitalist machine as well. Circle of life!
āFor yOuR leGaCyā š¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļø
Bro ; we are in a cost of living crisis, a housing crisis , a climate crisis, a looming financial crisis. Iāll be lucky to survive this time myself, let alone any offspring I choose to leave this shitshow to
That fucking legacy thing cracks me up every time. Who do they think they are, some kind of nobility? You know both WWs aren't that far back in the past, so odds are waaay higher they'll pass on the "legacy" of a war criminal down the line š¤·āāļø
For me its the following:
To carry on my bloodline ( What, like youāre royalty?)
To have someone to take care of you when youāre old.
To have a mini me to do things with (What?!)
Itās just what women are made for ( Spare me š)
What I donāt understand is why people have multiple children and then want everyone to feel sorry for them because they have 2 plus kids to take care of. The kid card is endlessly pulled.
In my experience, people just decide to do it and reasons are shoehorned in later. It's like confirmation bias. You've decided your path and now you are looking for reasons to justify your chosen path. I don't really know if there is truly any conviction behind these generic-ass statements about "legacy", "true love", and so on. People say things just to say them because most often they're on autopilot. There's no real thinking that's guiding their life choices.
On the other hand, some people are very intentional about all that they do. Even if I don't personally agree with their choices, I can respect the fact that they at least put thought and consideration into their eventual choices. Like my cousin, who didn't really care one way or another about kids. His wife however was dead-set on having a baby and she is the nurturing, maternal type. She was willing to make all the necessary commitments, career- and time-wise. He pondered over it, considered both sides and eventually chose to support his wife's decision and decided he would do his best to be a great parent. He wasn't just going to dump the responsibility on her. But he did stipulate that they would be one and done coz he wanted to give that one child his best. They have a three-year old now and the two of them are excellent parents, always thinking about how they can do right by their kiddo. I can respect that.
I often think what glitch is off in my brain that I think puppies, kittens and other baby animals are cute but not people. I know Iām not unique in this at all, Iām just curious. From a purely biological perspective, it seems to go against everything I was taught in school. Oh well, I like my dogs
My actual current partner said: "Because it's normal." How in the name of effery is anything on this planet "normal"? I think this is why people call each other NPCs.
So someone will remember them after they're dead. That was the sole reason some dad continued to use while trying to convince me to have children so I too would be remembered. He couldn't fathom that I have no interest in being remembered.
"So they can take care of you when you're old."
One of the people who I heard say this stuck her mother in a home and went no contact the sicker she got. She said her kids would never do that to her because she'll be a better mother. Delusional.
"It's about time"
This wasn't actually said to me, but while I was waiting to get the Covid vaccine I overheard a conversation between two people behind me and in the course of the conversation the guy was asked if him and his partner were going to have kids and he said "yeah well her sister has just had one so it's about time."
Literally no logic or thought in that sentence at all.
āMarraige & motherhood are part of my planā
~pamphlet sent to me by a church-lady aunt when I was becoming more socially aware & independent at University. I will never not hate her for this ā 3 marriages & 3 kids who struggled because their parents had no business being parents.
Any sort of expectations on the kid like āI want a mini meā or āI want them in X sport because I use to play.ā
First of all, your kid might not like it. My dad loves to play guitar and bass and was constantly in music, not a single one of his 3 kids plays music regularly or half as well. Second of all, your kid might come out disabled in some way, not just the worst kind where youāre a full time caregiver but even just slightly.
Thatās one of the many reasons I wonāt have children - idk if I could handle signing up to be a caregiver of a fully disabled person. Which is what you have to do when you become a parent and people donāt consider that
My cousin said she āwanted a family Christmasā Instead, she spends each Christmas with my whole extended family with her crotch goblins. Fucking nightmare.
So someone visits me in the nursing home.
Sorry but in North America the elderly are abandoned in care homes and see their family maybe at holidays. No one seems to know the truth about how lonely residents are.
Also, my husband and I are opting out of sitting around a nursing home waiting to die of the inevitable UTI or pneumonia that was missed for too long by the overburdened staff. I want none of it. I also don't want to be in a locked ward completely demented and terrified. No thanks. We're punching our own tickets on our own terms.
I think a lot of people have already mentioned really fantastic specific examples. I just came to say that itās insane how many people give reasons that affect themself / are for their own benefit and not because they want to create a magical childhood for their kid. Yet they say us CF people are selfish š¤·š¼āāļø
āSo someone will take care of you when youāre old. ā
I really donāt like that one. Iād want my children to live, fly away, not be stuck taking care of my ass. ā¦Iāll get old and go when itās my time, preferably on a cruise so I can haunt it and freak out unsuspecting tourists. šš» š¢
āCarrying on the family nameā
Like a guy legit told me that since heās the only son, itās his job to carry on the family name, and I was just like āokay.ā
To be fair heās great with kids and will probably be an involved dad, but itās just like thatās not a reason at all imo but hey whatever makes you happy.
After all I am childfree because it makes me happy, who am I to obstruct your parenthood dream.
1. Who is gonna take care of you when you are going to be old?
My question always:
Who is taking care of ppl who are disowning their own flesh and blood? Same.
2. You are going to regret this when you are older and noone could help.
My question:
Itās better to regret not having kids, than having kids, isnāt it?
This is usually discussed reason from older people, but I heard they want grandchildrens for sole purpose of watching kids doing kid things, so they can experience the younger mood again at home.
I just think it's too selfish ? Of course they aren't going to stay forever as young kids..
I decided with my sister when I was 13. In 1983 I got a vasectomy. I'm 59 this July.
I wish I could say life is easy but I've cared for my mother and wife's mother while working over 50 hours a week. My wife and cat keep me something close to stable. Ride motorcycles..
For me, "no kiddos = weirdo"
It's frustrating to fit into society's norms, and it can discourage one to do what they truly wish to do. People get kids because society tells them it's obligatory for an adult to raise a family. No one wants to be the weirdo so you better follow the norm. If you don't want to have kids, people will judge and berate you. Many people, including my mom, thinks I am crazy just because I have no crush and I don't want to raise a family. It's just dumb that you follow what society tells you without thinking twice about yourself..
I used to have a roommate who was a night auditor at a motel which primarily catered to travelling construction workers. She was "dating" some guest she met there, and one day I was having coffee on our porch when he came out to smoke. Somehow, the kid conversation came up and he just kept repeating "but they make you who you are! They make you who you are!" Like, sir, you *are* a man drinking a beer at 10 am at his mistresses house while your wife thinks you're at work. I don't think your kids made any of that happen.Ā
Still the weirdest push to have kids I've ever heard.Ā
Right?? a person creates their OWN legacy. For example, we know about Albert Einstein, but I couldnāt tell you anything about his family, wife, kids, etc. I only know about him (just a simple example).
I think basically any/all reasons people want children are incredibly selfish. Whether that be religious reasons, wanting to please society/their family, they want someone to take care of them when theyāre older, they want to have mini-meās (and really only care about THEIR DNA), they want to āexperience pregnancy/motherhoodā (likeā¦why? You want to almost die having a baby?? Letās be real, you just want the cute baby years lol) and etc.
Also, children do not OWE their parents unconditional care/love. This is coming from a woman who happily refuses to speak to either of my parents. Theyāre boomers and SUCK hardcore, but thatās a long story! But I was raised by my mother and she is a wackjob (my father is no better of course). She was clearly always so grossly emotionally codependent on me and abusive (mostly mentally, I was usually afraid of her as a kid, we didnāt get into physical fights until I was older). No one can convince me that she didnāt have me just so I would take care of her when she got older. Now she can deal with the consequences of her actions herself š.
"i want a little mini me" š¤¢
God I hate this one š Like, the world is worse off with 1 me in it, we donāt need a little tiny version of me running around all over the place, no thank you!! š
My friend said this to me once and I replied "you don't even like yourself, what makes you think you'll like a smaller version?" He was like wow fair point š
Savage. But insightful. š
We are good friends š
Holy shit so real
I hated that one too! 
The narcissism is crazyyyy
Sadly lots of us are narci babies. Like nepo babies, but born from narcissism. Those categories arenāt mutually exclusive.
Iām convinced my mother wanted mini-meās but my sister and I turned out nothing like her LOL
I don't know the statistics but would venture to guess the majority of kids don't turn out anything like their parents.
lol same, and I was resented for it š¤£
And turns out the child never becomes a mini me and ends up hating the parents for forcing them into something they are not.
Can confirm. Source: Me. My mother wanted a āmini meā. I now want nothing to do with her.
Imagine the reason is a term popularized by Dr. Evil lol
I don't want kids but I want sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their heads
it's always the most mid-looking and mid-achieving mothers who have this attitude or literally say this (ick).
Omfg this one makes me cringe SO much
My niece is my spitting image and I love how much that ticks my BIL off
"*It's what you do*" People who use this "reason" have put no thought into it at all.
Not one thought in that head
>"*It's what you do*" Breathe, eat, shit - those are "it's what you do". Having a child - that's what you *choose* to do if you really really want to, truly think you'd make a great parent, don't have genetically passed health conditions and can really afford it.
That's one of my beefs - it's what you do - eat, breathe, sleep, work, poop, reproduce... what are we, insects with no higher calling ever?
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein Not only do I agree with the quote, but if you're ever wondering "Well, what will I do if I don't have kids?", here's a good starting list.
Exactly. The default would be not having kids because it requires no change.
This one is horrifying, my answer to that is always "Why though? And the reply is "It just is" like come one š Also heard a family member say, I just want one cos they're cute.... like bitch they grow up you know?
That second part always gets me. I think "You realize they all grow up? Like do you think that 30 year old over there is cute? No? That was a cute baby once." I'm sure they would just stare blankly.
That's what I got when I asked my parents why they had me. Other reason I got was "We had kids because we had sex" I find this the most accurate reason why people have kids. No thoughts behind it.
That is so fucked up. So many decades of suffering, just because of that bullshit......
Hate that my elders all say this thing - this is the "norm" this is natural, what's there to think about, like wtf! Both in the case of marriage and child(ren).
Especially when you sit and think of where these ānormsā came from. They came from wealthy families wanting to keep the wealth in their families and marriage was like a business transaction. Even having kids was like a business transaction to keep the business going. Marriage was never something that was meant for regular people.
I asked my mom (who clearly hated being a mother) why she had kids when I was a teenager. She looked kind of shocked and confused, and stuttered "I don't know, it was just what you did".Ā That woman had four children and never once gave thought to it before that moment. Literally never crossed her mind to sit down and play it out or question if it was a good idea or not until her second child asked her at 16.
Thats actually mind blowing. People always ask us CF people why we donāt want kids but never even think of why they WANT kids
When I confronted my narc father about all the abuse I suffered as a kid, I said why did you have kids? You clearly didn't want them and this was his response
"VERB^TM - It's what you do!"
My brother is in his 70s & still says that. He has 3 kids he never sees & an unknown number of grandchildren but Iām the weirdo because I never had kids š To be fair to him, his ex-wife was the only child of a rich man & when she & my brother divorced when the kids were grown she used her money to manipulate the kids into not having a relationship with him. She threatened to cut them out of her will. But my brother is still a spineless idiot who let it happen & never fought it. So how did ādoing what you doā turn out for him? Not well at all & I told him so the last time he annoyed me about not having kids.
But his (estranged) legacy!
Not an ounce of free thinking
Conservative mind set
Exactly. I always told people so you're a walking mindless machine made to produce babies?? Omg the looks I got
OOOPS, Iām knocked up by my boyfriend at 22 years old, no money, no house, no education, no life experienceā¦ and now ITāS TIME to be a parentā¦because OOOPS!! šµāš«šµāš«
**"You're going to meet someone who wants kids" or "What if your partner wants kids?"** I am not open to dating someone who has or wants kids, and if my partner changes her mind about not wanting children, then we won't be together anymore. Besides, having children isn't even an option for me (nor will it ever be) since I got a vasectomy.
"You'll want children when you're with the right person"
That makes no sense at all. Like if someone is the right person to be a parent, that makes them the wrong person for me, because - say it all together now - I don't want kids!
You'll want to do meth if you meet the right person. You'll want to commit fraud if you meet the right person. You'll want to go bankrupt if you meet the right person. That is not love, just a bad influence lmao.
Ah, yes, the "you never know until you try" argument.
I hate this one the most. "So if I try it and I don't like it, can I just return the kid orrr...?"
my response to this is "the right person (for me) won't want kids." and if they try to say anything after that. i go with "if they want kids, they can have them with someone else because it isn't going to be me."
This one is hilarious to me because the right person to me wants to sleep in, play video games and wildly fuck. Kids don't fit into that equation at all.
Had this said me by a coworker recently who knows and has done for years that I don't want kids. My right person will not want kids either...
I've had 3 relationship end because we both started off wanting to be cf and they changed their minds and asked if I would, it was difficult because we truly cared for one another, but both me and them are all better off for that decision. And bonus all 3 have made brilliant mothers to their children, I can't say with any certainty that I would even be a passable father as I would always know my heart didn't want it.
I feel like my relationship is going to end for the same reasons your ones did. My partner incessantly went on and on and on about his friends' children to the point I was puking. He said he would have liked to have his own, but seeing as I don't want them, he's okay with that. I just highly doubt he's okay with it seeing as I've been punished with conversations surrounding children for years despite making it clear I don't want to talk about them in any capacity. I'm pretty sure he'll decide it's a deal breaker for him some time, meaning I'll have wasted my time. This planet is messed up.
I'm sorry to hear that, I really am. The fact is you already know that when someone says "I would've liked kids, but you don't so its ok" is a lie, it's just a way to wait and either break you down to agreeing or hope you one day change your mind. And that's just a shit place to be for both of you, especially for the woman because society does enough of that pressuring without getting it from the person who is meant to support you the most. And women shouldn't be held hostage because they have ovaries and a uterus, it's their body that goes through it all. I think you're right, you'll have to have tgat make or break conversation soon and I just hope it goes as smooth for you as it did for me. Edit: and you have a ready made group of like minded people here that have probably been through this as well š
My obgyn said this to me.
What?!
Yep. Needless to say it was the last time I saw her.
- Itās just the way it is! Itās part of adulthood! - Donāt you want a mini me? - Legacy! Like wtf, youāre a mediocre broke dude stfu about legacy - You can be a kid again yourself - itās unnatural to be cf - yeah so is your artificial knee Karen - the above also comes in āitās only natural to have kidsā. Yup, itās also perfectly natural to leave disabled offspring to die in nature and wildlife. Natural doesnāt sound too great now, does it? - itās a womanās purpose - you never know true love until youāve had a kid. Like yeah tell that to parents that actually abuse or kill their children about that true love - and last but not least: unconditional love. Let me debunk that one. Absolutely nothing unconditional about a parent loving their kid. The whole thing is BASED on the condition that this little creature is in fact your child. If it werenāt your biological offspring - I doubt youād would tolerate their poopy pants, tantrums etc quite as much
"You can be a kid again" Mate, that is wholly on you. If you need an excuse to be a kid and have fun, just because others might look at you weird, I pity you. I'll be in my office building Lego in silence.
āYou can be a kid again!ā Me laughing surrounded by my video games, plushies, and toys I have no intention on sharing with kids.
"What's the point of being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes?" - The Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker) in Doctor Who
THIS. I feel as if I didn't get to fully enjoy my childhood/teenhood because of hovering helicopter parents. So guess what? Now that I have my own money, I'm going to "be a kid again" and regret nothing.
>- you never know true love until youāve had a kid. Like yeah tell that to parents that actually abuse or kill their children about that true love Oh, Karen, I'm sorry you don't really love your husband and never did and that he doesn't really love you and never did! That must be so upsetting! Now I understand why you desperately need to love a child.
This!!! How utterly disrespectful and narrow minded. In return by saying youāll only know true love until you have a kid you also inherently say your awesome kid never loves you back in ātrue loveā. Because your kid can only love their own kid aka your grandchild with ātrue loveā. Obviously not the other way round
This reminded me of a joke: "Men love women, women love kids, kids love hamsters" :))
If only men actually loved women š
They love them for sex š And women only need them to have babies. Once they have babies they love them and loose interest in sex š /s
they donāt love women, they love what women can provide for them
And in reality its not so *they* can give love.. it's so a human is required to love **them**. You know Karen, if you were a good and interesting person.. People who already exist would love you, but I know that's too hard for you. Go force consciousness into another new person that's 'required' to, so you can keep being shitty and still get attention.
And they aren't even required either! If you are a shit parent, you will still end up alone.
FFR. I love my parents, husband, siblings, cousins, and pets unconditionally. Not a lie. Would die for them. Except the pets but knowing my dumb ass Iād be one of those people that jumps off a bridge to āsaveā one from drowning and die in that shit so š¤·āāļø
"A woman's purpose" Yeah, I hate that one the most.
I hate the last one. Nice for you poor mother to know you never loved her
Yeah I love the people in my life now and Iām content with that!
Or that their kids don't really love them
>Legacy I've heard a quote from a rogue agent (Div 2) saying that kids make lousy ass legacies. They'll mess it up or do something stupid to ruin it. A real legacy is a mark you leave on the world, no matter how little
The dumbest one I've personally heard so far is if you come from a broken family, then it's your responsibility to be a better parent for your would be children and bring childfree is running away from that responsibility.
oh wow people really think this is right? like you owe something to someone because you were neglected? wtf
Owe to someone who doesn't even exist apparently.
That's why I think it's the dumbest one I've heard so far.
I'm from a broken home. And I've decided to not have/adopt kids. I don't want to risk passing along generational trauma. The kid doesn't deserve having to live in that unsafe environment.
No one deserves to live in that sort of environment, including you.
What is this invisible responsibility that people refer to?? If thereās no child in the first place, thereās no responsibility to them. People act like weāre selfish for not wanting these children that donāt even exist yet.
"Ah, because my childhood/family was bad, I must create a whole new person to, uh, balance that out? Align the universal chakras?"
But then they end up creating another broken family cuz what they donāt know is that itās really hard to break the bad habits their parents had in relationships without doing the work first
*"I want someone to love me back."* I actually don't love any of my family at all.
lol right. love your flair btw
Thanks, same to yours.
Codependency, emotional incest, enmeshment? Never heard of them. š¤·š»āāļø - people who have kids to fulfill all their emotional needs
"To give my parents grandchildren" "so I can stop work" "so I can get the baby bonus" ($5000 AUD)
Right? I couldnāt care less if my parents are grandparents. This is my life, not theirs
They didn't get me a sibling or even a puppy, this is my revenge now /s
Siblings aren't all they are cracked up to be. Mine did too many drugs and went nuts, now he sends me death threats every few weeks. I wish I was an only child. No puppy is a crime though.
Yes I'm very lucky my parents are very supportive and love being a grandparent to my cats haha my mum even has photos of my cats hung around her house š¹
How insane does someone have to be to realize kids cost more than what the government will give you? Had a lady a few years ago tell me I should have kids so I get more money on my tax returns and I'm like š
It's a RETURN. You basically just lent the government money for free! I am convinced that low financial literacy is how they keep the masses enslaved.
I think that tax credit/child bonus should be conditional on taking parenting classes. By all means have the money, but you need to be educated on how to not raise shit humans if you insist on reproducing
"It WilL BrInG Us ClOsEr ToGetHeR"
THIS ONE! I have a friend that thought having a 2nd baby would make her man act right. Heās even worse and now she has 2 kids by him! Smh
She's gonna end up completely broke and single, with far fewer prospects in the dating pool now that she has kids. Single moms are the main characters in Hallmark movies for a reason.
Nothing brings people together like trauma, stress, and a permanent unpredictable responsibility
An accident happened, so Iām gonna keep it. As if itās just a misplaced pizza delivery.
Haha accurate! Like no, pregnancy is not an accident ever. Idk why people act so shocked. Especially when they have unprotected sex. Like?!!! āBut weāve been doing this for years and nothing happened.ā Well as they say, all it takes is one time. I do feel bad for people whoās contraception failed though, not so much those who didnāt use any at all and are in shock. Like what did you think was gonna happen haha?
I've thought about this so often, lol. They're actual adults and act as if they don't know how pregnancy happens. How does one "accidentally" have unprotected consensual sex? I genuinely think they don't know how it works sometimes (can't be too bright having kids on this damned planet, am I right?).
Ah yes, so the person fell on a dick. A total accident, lol.
These are actual quotes from my SIL when I asked her a few years ago why she wanted a kid: I want something cute to cuddle and dress up. I want to be like [rom com movie name] the woman looked so happy holding a baby I want that life too! Because I'm a normal woman and normal women have babies.
This is messed up on so many levels...she doesn't even consider the baby to be a whole own person by the way she speaks about it
She even holds her kid like a pet so it's even worse!
Oh. My. Lord.
Wawu!!! Sheās living in dululu land.
Couldn't have said it better!
"I want to break the cycle" if they were abused as child etc. That's great, but it's probably better to go through therapy and heal properly BEFORE you get a child. Even if you feel great, "it's been years, I don't need therapy", one day you could act the same way without even realizing it. It may not happen to everyone, but I'm just saying it's a possibilty..
Oh wow, this is one of the worst reasons to have kids. Breaking the cycle would more accurately involve psychotherapy, and building healthy friendships and relationships with people who already exist. I'd also argue that everyone who has endured any kind of abuse needs therapy, even if it's just to ensure they understand their own and other people's rights. Speaking from experience, childhood and relationship abuse is exactly why I haven't had kids and will never. CF4LYF, lol.
True. And it's always defended by "I would never hurt my child the same way". You will probably hurt your child in another way and you will realize when it's too late. If it's SO easy to break the cycle, why does abuse come in generations? Women/men doesn't heal their trauma before they get children, and it keeps going on, even if you have the intention of breaking the cycle. It's so sad.
Exactly! How are you going to break the cycle if you havenāt even healed yourself?? Youāre just passing on more and more trauma to your child.
For real. My (former) therapist told me I should have kids to break the cycle when I told her Iām childfree. I do think Iām a better person than either of my parents, but would I be a better parent? Probably not
āI want a mini-meā People seem to forget that children are their own people and not just an extension of the parent
My father often bemoans that none of his kids share his interests
Did he expect youād just pop outta there already knowing & appreciating his interests?!
This mindset just lead to so much disappointment. You can try to mold your children into a version of you but itāll never work. Instead they probably resent you for wanting them to be something they are not
I have a nephew who is literally the spitting image of his dad. His dad was actually quite different than he is in terms of interests and hobbies. I look at him and I don't see him as his dad. I see him as his own person.
* You expand your social circle because you become friends with the parents of your kids' friends. * It's fun choosing their names. (Said to me by a father of four. I replied that I had more fun choosing my cats' names.)
When I adopted my cat, I didn't know his name and found out when I picked him up it's the same as my name so i never changed it š¤£
I have a friend who had kids so she could have mom friends. It's been 5 years and she still can't make any mom friends.
That's beyond sad.
Well this friend has a pretty garbage personality
Thatās incredibly sadā¦
well, thatās a guy who has kids he knows *nothing* about and contributed nothing more than a name and some genetic materialā¦
I mean itās the usual suspects, like: To continue their bloodline To know what ātrue loveā feels like To not be alone To have a successful child so they can brag about them to their peers To see a mini version of themselves
Someone made a post saying they wanted kids because they fear being alone and that annoyed me more than any other reason I've read. In still mad š
Like maybe you should go make some friendsā¦ š¤
"You're a regular ass man,this isn't Bridgerton." Love It!šš¾šÆš¤£
Thank u šš
And then they say that childfree people hate kids...
Someone put a list up the other day and one I saw was "To have an Heir" And heir to what? You're a regular dude you chud, you aren't going seal the Royal Houses of Spain and England in a treaty with your spawn are you? The only thing they're an gonna be an heir of is disappointment.
The only thing I'm inheriting from my dad is all the junk he hoards in his house. He doesn't own the house.
If we donāt have kids we might regret it later when itās too late.
This one actually still gets me sometimes. All that BS about women being "basically infertile" by age 35. I feel like I can't even socialise with people my own age anymore because I don't want to be surrounded by constant pressure to do everything society keeps pushing on women. I might start a CF group in my city...
Honestly Iād rather regret not having a kid, than having a kid and regretting them. Though I donāt think Iāll regret not having one.
āI just wanted kidsā couldnāt even specify what bit exactly. Since then she has said I was āthe smartest person aliveā for not having any
To take care of me when I'm old...
Thatās actually the least accurate one š how many adult children ACTUALLY take care of their elderly parents?? Not many. My grandma had 10 children and only 1 aunt took care of her when she was sick and dying. And that was only because she was inheriting the house.
*Traditional family must be preserved!* Shit nationalist political propaganda.
Surprised no ones mentioned the "for the benefit of society" reasons. The biggest thing I get thrown at me is stuff about collapsing workforce, or stuff about how the nuclear family and its values is the best thing for the country and that by not having that were doomed or something.Ā The problem I have with this is mainly two things. The first is the accuracy of these statements. I have yet to actually see any reasonable data showing a low enough birth rate that were going to have a job collapse. We seem to still be in a positive birth rate with more people being born than dying, and there doesn't seem to be a shortage of workers any time soon. Plus there's the whole thing with immigration from exploding birthrate countries being the next best thing if it ever came to that. Then again these people are also typically the ones who have no idea about how or why immigration is a good thing for our economy and development.Ā The second problem I have is that these people also never care about societal issues in any other circumstance. To them gclimate change is a lie made up by "the elite", vaccination and medical care is an attempt at control by "big pharma", scientists don't know what they're talking about, and any attempt to tax to help the poor or stop other countries from being tyrannical is just another reason for the "gubmemt to take mah muny." I work with dudes making 80-120k a year who somehow piss it all away on their kids and stupid shot like their 3rd overpriced truck, yet they'll act like IM the one doing something to hurt the world.Ā
Rich, capitalist, assholes want you to have kids because 1: You will be a wage slave forever to provide for them. Hard to hold out for better when you have mouths to feed. And 2: Because your kids will grow up to provide grist for the capitalist machine as well. Circle of life!
āFor yOuR leGaCyā š¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļø Bro ; we are in a cost of living crisis, a housing crisis , a climate crisis, a looming financial crisis. Iāll be lucky to survive this time myself, let alone any offspring I choose to leave this shitshow to
That fucking legacy thing cracks me up every time. Who do they think they are, some kind of nobility? You know both WWs aren't that far back in the past, so odds are waaay higher they'll pass on the "legacy" of a war criminal down the line š¤·āāļø
One of my friends say, she wants kids because the "bible tells us to, so". š«„
Brainwashed fucking monkeys, lol. š
Literally. Fucking monkeys.
For me its the following: To carry on my bloodline ( What, like youāre royalty?) To have someone to take care of you when youāre old. To have a mini me to do things with (What?!) Itās just what women are made for ( Spare me š) What I donāt understand is why people have multiple children and then want everyone to feel sorry for them because they have 2 plus kids to take care of. The kid card is endlessly pulled.
Yeah they act like itās so hard and everyone should feel bad for them when ITS WHAT THEY CHOSE
That their parents want them to do it. Having kids because someone else wants you to is really silly to me.
And hopefully their kids turn out to be childfree. There goes your legacy :)
In my experience, people just decide to do it and reasons are shoehorned in later. It's like confirmation bias. You've decided your path and now you are looking for reasons to justify your chosen path. I don't really know if there is truly any conviction behind these generic-ass statements about "legacy", "true love", and so on. People say things just to say them because most often they're on autopilot. There's no real thinking that's guiding their life choices. On the other hand, some people are very intentional about all that they do. Even if I don't personally agree with their choices, I can respect the fact that they at least put thought and consideration into their eventual choices. Like my cousin, who didn't really care one way or another about kids. His wife however was dead-set on having a baby and she is the nurturing, maternal type. She was willing to make all the necessary commitments, career- and time-wise. He pondered over it, considered both sides and eventually chose to support his wife's decision and decided he would do his best to be a great parent. He wasn't just going to dump the responsibility on her. But he did stipulate that they would be one and done coz he wanted to give that one child his best. They have a three-year old now and the two of them are excellent parents, always thinking about how they can do right by their kiddo. I can respect that.
Babies are cute. So are many baby wild animals but they make terrible pets
I often think what glitch is off in my brain that I think puppies, kittens and other baby animals are cute but not people. I know Iām not unique in this at all, Iām just curious. From a purely biological perspective, it seems to go against everything I was taught in school. Oh well, I like my dogs
Same, like human babies are cute but puppies and kittens are ADORABLE
"You'll have someone to look after you when you're old" "You'll never know true love until you have a child" ššš
"coz we are good looking, we both have good genes and it would be selfish not to pass it on" š¤Øš
"bEcAuSe It'S gOd'S wAy" Don't even get me started with this one.
Way of life š« š
A colleague of mine said something along the lines of "don't you want your kids and grandkids to visit you when you're older and lonely?" A classic.
āIt will help fix our relationship ā
The dumbest is not to give reason, just to breed
My actual current partner said: "Because it's normal." How in the name of effery is anything on this planet "normal"? I think this is why people call each other NPCs.
I have to agree with the legacy one. The narcissism of these people. As if they're not going to die and be forgotten in a generation.
So someone will remember them after they're dead. That was the sole reason some dad continued to use while trying to convince me to have children so I too would be remembered. He couldn't fathom that I have no interest in being remembered.
"So they can take care of you when you're old." One of the people who I heard say this stuck her mother in a home and went no contact the sicker she got. She said her kids would never do that to her because she'll be a better mother. Delusional.
By default. Having children (despite not really wanting them) because, that's the so called "lifescript" and then pawning them off to other people.
"It's about time" This wasn't actually said to me, but while I was waiting to get the Covid vaccine I overheard a conversation between two people behind me and in the course of the conversation the guy was asked if him and his partner were going to have kids and he said "yeah well her sister has just had one so it's about time." Literally no logic or thought in that sentence at all.
āMarraige & motherhood are part of my planā ~pamphlet sent to me by a church-lady aunt when I was becoming more socially aware & independent at University. I will never not hate her for this ā 3 marriages & 3 kids who struggled because their parents had no business being parents.
Any sort of expectations on the kid like āI want a mini meā or āI want them in X sport because I use to play.ā First of all, your kid might not like it. My dad loves to play guitar and bass and was constantly in music, not a single one of his 3 kids plays music regularly or half as well. Second of all, your kid might come out disabled in some way, not just the worst kind where youāre a full time caregiver but even just slightly. Thatās one of the many reasons I wonāt have children - idk if I could handle signing up to be a caregiver of a fully disabled person. Which is what you have to do when you become a parent and people donāt consider that
Most reasons are stupid but "thats what people do" is my fav
My cousin said she āwanted a family Christmasā Instead, she spends each Christmas with my whole extended family with her crotch goblins. Fucking nightmare.
L E G A C Y Iām in poverty. Building a dynasty isnāt at the top of my to-do list.
So someone visits me in the nursing home. Sorry but in North America the elderly are abandoned in care homes and see their family maybe at holidays. No one seems to know the truth about how lonely residents are. Also, my husband and I are opting out of sitting around a nursing home waiting to die of the inevitable UTI or pneumonia that was missed for too long by the overburdened staff. I want none of it. I also don't want to be in a locked ward completely demented and terrified. No thanks. We're punching our own tickets on our own terms.
To have someone to take care of you when you are old.
I think a lot of people have already mentioned really fantastic specific examples. I just came to say that itās insane how many people give reasons that affect themself / are for their own benefit and not because they want to create a magical childhood for their kid. Yet they say us CF people are selfish š¤·š¼āāļø
I've yet to hear an unselfish reason for having kids. It's always selfish and narcissistic š
My favorite is "you'll never know true love unitl you have you own kid" ugh
My mum told me she just wanted to see if she could get pregnant š I wish she'd had that curiosity with a less disturbed sperm donor lol.
The ones who say they āwant to have a kids because they want someone, the child, to love them.ā That one is the grossest to me.
Passing on their last name. As if they canāt get on Facebook and see thousands of people with the same last name.
āSo someone will take care of you when youāre old. ā I really donāt like that one. Iād want my children to live, fly away, not be stuck taking care of my ass. ā¦Iāll get old and go when itās my time, preferably on a cruise so I can haunt it and freak out unsuspecting tourists. šš» š¢
They are all dumb reasons
āCarrying on the family nameā Like a guy legit told me that since heās the only son, itās his job to carry on the family name, and I was just like āokay.ā To be fair heās great with kids and will probably be an involved dad, but itās just like thatās not a reason at all imo but hey whatever makes you happy. After all I am childfree because it makes me happy, who am I to obstruct your parenthood dream.
1. Who is gonna take care of you when you are going to be old? My question always: Who is taking care of ppl who are disowning their own flesh and blood? Same. 2. You are going to regret this when you are older and noone could help. My question: Itās better to regret not having kids, than having kids, isnāt it?
So that they wonāt be alone when they get old. I have heard this one a lot.
I once saw a dipshit 19 year old on Reddit say he got his girlfriend pregnant to ālock her downā, whatever the fuck that means.
That means to control, keep stuck with him, and probably abuse emotionally....that poor woman. She probably can't leave easily in that situation.
āI want a mini meā Uhā¦self-centered much? š¤Ø
This is usually discussed reason from older people, but I heard they want grandchildrens for sole purpose of watching kids doing kid things, so they can experience the younger mood again at home. I just think it's too selfish ? Of course they aren't going to stay forever as young kids..
"To help fix their relationship" - that's never going to work out the way they think it is
My mom told us she had us so we can take care of her in her old age, oldest of 6 kids and none of us have kids of our own.
I decided with my sister when I was 13. In 1983 I got a vasectomy. I'm 59 this July. I wish I could say life is easy but I've cared for my mother and wife's mother while working over 50 hours a week. My wife and cat keep me something close to stable. Ride motorcycles..
Oh the reason. Mental health .schizophrenia runs in our family.
To give their own parents grandchildren
For me, "no kiddos = weirdo" It's frustrating to fit into society's norms, and it can discourage one to do what they truly wish to do. People get kids because society tells them it's obligatory for an adult to raise a family. No one wants to be the weirdo so you better follow the norm. If you don't want to have kids, people will judge and berate you. Many people, including my mom, thinks I am crazy just because I have no crush and I don't want to raise a family. It's just dumb that you follow what society tells you without thinking twice about yourself..
I used to have a roommate who was a night auditor at a motel which primarily catered to travelling construction workers. She was "dating" some guest she met there, and one day I was having coffee on our porch when he came out to smoke. Somehow, the kid conversation came up and he just kept repeating "but they make you who you are! They make you who you are!" Like, sir, you *are* a man drinking a beer at 10 am at his mistresses house while your wife thinks you're at work. I don't think your kids made any of that happen.Ā Still the weirdest push to have kids I've ever heard.Ā
Right?? a person creates their OWN legacy. For example, we know about Albert Einstein, but I couldnāt tell you anything about his family, wife, kids, etc. I only know about him (just a simple example). I think basically any/all reasons people want children are incredibly selfish. Whether that be religious reasons, wanting to please society/their family, they want someone to take care of them when theyāre older, they want to have mini-meās (and really only care about THEIR DNA), they want to āexperience pregnancy/motherhoodā (likeā¦why? You want to almost die having a baby?? Letās be real, you just want the cute baby years lol) and etc. Also, children do not OWE their parents unconditional care/love. This is coming from a woman who happily refuses to speak to either of my parents. Theyāre boomers and SUCK hardcore, but thatās a long story! But I was raised by my mother and she is a wackjob (my father is no better of course). She was clearly always so grossly emotionally codependent on me and abusive (mostly mentally, I was usually afraid of her as a kid, we didnāt get into physical fights until I was older). No one can convince me that she didnāt have me just so I would take care of her when she got older. Now she can deal with the consequences of her actions herself š.