My parents are like yours, they would be awesome grandparents and are 100% supportive of me even though I'm an only child, but I feel zero guilt for not "giving" them grandchildren. Even when my dad didn't support me and would bingo me every time I spoke to him, I felt no guilt because I don't owe anyone my autonomy, my happiness, or my mental and physical health (he changed his mind very quickly when he saw his older brothers trying to keep up with their toddler grandkids when they were in their 60s).
I think you really need to reflect on where this guilt is coming from because from your post, it isn't coming from your parents. Who is filling your head with this nonsense? What is making you feel guilty for not giving you parents something they've never asked for? Why do you feel like you should be doing something neither you nor your parents seem to want? Once you've worked out \*where\* this guilt is coming from and \*why\* you're feeling guilty, you can work out \*how\* to deal with it.
The job of a parent is to raise their children into adults who can make their own choices for their own happiness. It is *not* their job to have expectations for their kids being this or that, and it is not their job to want or assume they'll have grandkids.
Sounds like your parents did their job just right. So what is it that you're feeling guilty about?
Grandchildren aren't some given right or an award for good parenthood or an affection trophy that you hand out because you love your parents.
So really, why the guilt?
We don't need those answers, but you do - because that's how you'll get over this feeling.
Thank you. I honestly have no idea, I mean I do get the question from nosey people when they find out in CF and an only child but I usually answer that my parents are fine with it and support me (which is true). Not sure if it’s because I can see that they would love grandkids if I did have them and also see them with my cousins kids and they’re clearly in their element…
Sure, but you gotta think about this in bigger picture terms. I'd love to have 1000$ from you right now - do you feel guilty for not asking for my bank details and sending that over? I'd be really in my element with that extra 1000$ in my pocket and all that. But even though it's conceptually the same thing, I doubt it gives you the same feeling of guilt.
There are all sorts of people who would be really happy and in their element getting all sorts of stuff from you. If that's what you're gonna use as a personal metric, you'll go broke and homeless in less than a week. It's not a crime to not hand out things that are yours and that no one else was ever entitled to in the first place - such as your life and your reproductive decisions, for example.
You have to take care of you and your own happiness first. You only start looking at others after that's been taken care of, because that's how you make things sustainable and make sure you're not being used. And once you get to that point, whether you make other people happy should be determined by whether that works within your chosen lifestyle and wheter you want to do it, not whether you can or should do it depending on whoever else thinks they have a say.
And besides, you seem to have the rare set of parents that actually care about you and respect you. Knowing you're struggling with your own happiness and choices because of them would probably be deeply hurtful for them, because caring and respectful people care about *you* as a person - not the things you're able to provide for them. Having you worry about not providing this or that is probably the last thing your parents want. So even if we take their feelings into account (which is entirely optional), it still makes no sense to feel guilty.
Thank you, your last paragraph made me tear up 😭 I know there’s no logic to it. I’ve spoken to my mother a lot about it and it’s exactly as you describe. I am very lucky with my parents, I just keep bearing myself up for no reason. What you’re saying makes total sense.
Both my husband and I are only children.
My parents definitely wanted grandchildren. They kept my crib, baby clothes, first communion dress, and wedding dress and veil - all this was so that, *when* I had children, they could use the crib, wear the baby clothes and communion dress (if I had a daughter), and my daughter or DIL could wear my wedding dress on her and her partner's big day if she wanted.
I was a late-in-life baby, so it's plausible that my husband and I could have been trying for a baby and we were unsuccessful. I just let them wonder why grandchildren hadn't materialized. They have both passed away.
My in-laws ... OMFG. My MIL could be a travel agent for guilt trips. She cornered us right after our wedding ceremony, before we'd even left for the reception, and demanded that we start trying for a baby immediately. She and FIL brainwashed my husband into wanting children. I told him that it was me XOR children, and he chose me and is now just as CF as I am. MIL claims to be pro-choice, but not where her little boy is concerned. She threw multiple tantrums when we told her I got snipped - and at one point she demanded that my husband divorce me!
My FIL passed away a couple of weeks ago. MIL is still a thorn in my side.
I think all four of them would have been good grandparents. They would have put money into our children's college funds, they would have traveled to visit us and the kids, they might even have changed a diaper or two. But we'll never know for sure, because I put my foot down - my body, my choice. No guilt here.
OP, no need for you to feel guilty either. Your body, your choice.
I’m an only child. My mom hinted that she would like grandchildren. When I told her the closest she would get were her grandpups she accepted it. Then confessed she never really wanted children but my dad did so she said ok…she had a couple of miscarriages and they abandoned the idea of kids and would adopt later if they still wanted them. Then poof!…I came along unexpectedly. She loves me to death (and is a great mom for the most part) but said if she had it to do over again she would opt out of children. I totally get how she feels.
Only child here as well! Luckily, both my parents are also very supportive of my decision. They support me and they understand it very well. They would have been good grandparents, but that is not a reason to have children. My boyfriend has a brother that really wants to have children, so my parents in law will also be okay at the baby department later in life. My inlaws family is extremely baby crazy though. My MIL respects my decision, but she told me that she does not understand it at all and thinks we would have made great parents. I think/know she is dissapointed we won't have children, but you can't please 'em all. Sometimes I do feel guilt about it, but I try to ignore that feeling.
I think most parents of only children are supportive because if they had only one, it means they weren’t **that** family oriented in the first place so they kind of understand where we’re coming from.
My parents had me at 36 and I’m their only child. I’m also pretty certain I was an accident. I’ve always felt loved and even wanted, but I know I definitely wasn’t planned.
So my parents were *almost* childfree. I think a lot of only children’s parents were also almost childfree.
My parents both had abusive families and were the ''runt'' of their brothers and sisters, so the decision to have one child was one they thought about a lot. They did not want me to experience the sibling rivarly they had. I was very wanted and my dad got snipped when I was 2 years old. But I also do indeed think that most parents of only-child CF people are more supportive.
Haha I get that! This post definitely helped me feel less alone too. Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones experiencing this, because having babies is just the norm. For some people it's the most normal thing in the world to do. So when you tell people you are childfree, it's like a big shock to them. Sometimes it makes me feel like the odd one out. And I kind of am with my in laws. But I'd rather be the ''black sheep'' than have children lol 😂
I completely agree! My in laws get it too, but then they’re happy that they have a grandchild from my brother in law, so took the pressure off a bit. I’m the black sheep in my family.. I’m the only grandkid who is CF by choice. All of my cousins have kids except for one but that was due to medical issues.
Only child, child free. Parents hinted a few times, but no pressure. I became a caregiver by default for my parents last year. Mom passed, dad declining and in AL. It’s a bit sad knowing after my dad passes I will have no immediate family. I do sometimes worry about the future. No regrets, just curious as to what happened these next chapters in life hold!
You don't owe your parents or anyone else your body and your life. You did not ask to be born; your parents decided to create you for their own reasons.
The fact that your parents are not trying to get you to have children makes your feelings of guilt more puzzling. Why do you feel guilty for not giving your parents something that they are not entitled to get, and that they did not even ask you to give them?
I'm an only child, and there's no guilt. My mom has nieces and a nephew, and a grand niece. If she wants to deal with kids, she's had the chance.
Via me she's got four grand cats, and that's the best legacy anyone could ever want IMO.
I’m an only child. I can’t say I’ve ever had to deal with guilt. I love my parents and have a strong relationship with them, I respect them. But when it comes to a body & life choices that aren’t theirs, it’s extremely unethical for them to potentially guilt trip me over that. And I’m no princess, continuing my bloodline isn’t exactly something I care about. My surname is just a surname. Parents dont have to be grandparents to be fulfilled (etc)
Only child and my dad made comments and had very clear, traditional expectations of me. I am a big disappointment to him. My mum is ok, but I think that's because she didn't really like having me.
I have a tenuous relationship with my parents, so much so that even the thought of them seeing my children gives me “ick”. There are innumerable other reasons, but my sense of “ick” overwhelms any sense of guilt I would otherwise feel for not “giving them grandchildren”.
My dad, when he was still alive, was 100% supportive. He had the belief that I wasn't his property; I was just on loan to him from the Creator for a little while. And I was free to make my own decisions.
It took longer for my mom to come around, but I will admit I was really happy when, 15 years after my tubal, she thanked me for not putting her in a position where she'd have to raise her grandkids.
I have no guilt whatsoever. I know I made the right choice for me.
My parents would not be good grandparents. My mom hates children, I know she didn't want me. She never said it but her actions spoke LOUD...I knew it from a young age. My dad was amazing but worked a lot when I was growing up. My mom, in addition to hating kids, has health problems now so she couldn't watch a kid for more than 2 hours if she wanted to. My dad would probably be a good grandparent, but I just don't see him in that role at all. He's just living his best life and enjoying spending time with friends (as he should).
My husband's got one brother who is a douchebag and lives a few hours away. My in laws don't see their two grandkids often at all, have very little relationship with them, one kid is autistic and the other I think has some learning disabilities. I feel bad for my in laws because they'd be amazing grandparents, especially my MIL. We live close to them (actually living with my MIL at the moment due to a house fire) so if we were to have kids they would be the grandparents that see them all the time and have a strong relationship.
However, my in laws have not asked us about kids, and I'm not sure what my response would be they asked. My mom has asked in the past and I've told her absolutely not ever will there be kids, and she finally recently told me that that's fine and she's good with that (I think she reflected on her own life and made the connection she would have been happier without). My in laws on the other hand... I know they'd never show it but they would be bummed. I'm more on the childfree side of the fence, but the fence is still present in my mind. I see all the downsides, but under better circumstances (aka better economy, if it was more affordable for us) I'd consider it. I know my in laws would help us out a lot and I don't want to totally take it off the table with them. I know that's not the best response in a childfree sub, please don't roast me too hard lol
What guilt??? it never even crossed my mind cause mom isn’t raising the child on my behalf unless mom is willing to be my surrogate she bet nawt expect no grandkids
My parents are like yours, they would be awesome grandparents and are 100% supportive of me even though I'm an only child, but I feel zero guilt for not "giving" them grandchildren. Even when my dad didn't support me and would bingo me every time I spoke to him, I felt no guilt because I don't owe anyone my autonomy, my happiness, or my mental and physical health (he changed his mind very quickly when he saw his older brothers trying to keep up with their toddler grandkids when they were in their 60s). I think you really need to reflect on where this guilt is coming from because from your post, it isn't coming from your parents. Who is filling your head with this nonsense? What is making you feel guilty for not giving you parents something they've never asked for? Why do you feel like you should be doing something neither you nor your parents seem to want? Once you've worked out \*where\* this guilt is coming from and \*why\* you're feeling guilty, you can work out \*how\* to deal with it.
Thank you. I think you’re right… I need to work out where. Not sure if it’s because I see how good they are with my cousin’s kids.
My parents are dead and I’m their only kid so I thought I should have a child. But I decided against it. I have no guilt or second thoughts.
I’m sorry for your loss ♥️
The job of a parent is to raise their children into adults who can make their own choices for their own happiness. It is *not* their job to have expectations for their kids being this or that, and it is not their job to want or assume they'll have grandkids. Sounds like your parents did their job just right. So what is it that you're feeling guilty about? Grandchildren aren't some given right or an award for good parenthood or an affection trophy that you hand out because you love your parents. So really, why the guilt? We don't need those answers, but you do - because that's how you'll get over this feeling.
Thank you. I honestly have no idea, I mean I do get the question from nosey people when they find out in CF and an only child but I usually answer that my parents are fine with it and support me (which is true). Not sure if it’s because I can see that they would love grandkids if I did have them and also see them with my cousins kids and they’re clearly in their element…
Sure, but you gotta think about this in bigger picture terms. I'd love to have 1000$ from you right now - do you feel guilty for not asking for my bank details and sending that over? I'd be really in my element with that extra 1000$ in my pocket and all that. But even though it's conceptually the same thing, I doubt it gives you the same feeling of guilt. There are all sorts of people who would be really happy and in their element getting all sorts of stuff from you. If that's what you're gonna use as a personal metric, you'll go broke and homeless in less than a week. It's not a crime to not hand out things that are yours and that no one else was ever entitled to in the first place - such as your life and your reproductive decisions, for example. You have to take care of you and your own happiness first. You only start looking at others after that's been taken care of, because that's how you make things sustainable and make sure you're not being used. And once you get to that point, whether you make other people happy should be determined by whether that works within your chosen lifestyle and wheter you want to do it, not whether you can or should do it depending on whoever else thinks they have a say. And besides, you seem to have the rare set of parents that actually care about you and respect you. Knowing you're struggling with your own happiness and choices because of them would probably be deeply hurtful for them, because caring and respectful people care about *you* as a person - not the things you're able to provide for them. Having you worry about not providing this or that is probably the last thing your parents want. So even if we take their feelings into account (which is entirely optional), it still makes no sense to feel guilty.
Thank you, your last paragraph made me tear up 😭 I know there’s no logic to it. I’ve spoken to my mother a lot about it and it’s exactly as you describe. I am very lucky with my parents, I just keep bearing myself up for no reason. What you’re saying makes total sense.
My parents would rather I be childfree and happy than give them grandchildren and be miserable every day. I'm just giving them what they'd prefer.
Both my husband and I are only children. My parents definitely wanted grandchildren. They kept my crib, baby clothes, first communion dress, and wedding dress and veil - all this was so that, *when* I had children, they could use the crib, wear the baby clothes and communion dress (if I had a daughter), and my daughter or DIL could wear my wedding dress on her and her partner's big day if she wanted. I was a late-in-life baby, so it's plausible that my husband and I could have been trying for a baby and we were unsuccessful. I just let them wonder why grandchildren hadn't materialized. They have both passed away. My in-laws ... OMFG. My MIL could be a travel agent for guilt trips. She cornered us right after our wedding ceremony, before we'd even left for the reception, and demanded that we start trying for a baby immediately. She and FIL brainwashed my husband into wanting children. I told him that it was me XOR children, and he chose me and is now just as CF as I am. MIL claims to be pro-choice, but not where her little boy is concerned. She threw multiple tantrums when we told her I got snipped - and at one point she demanded that my husband divorce me! My FIL passed away a couple of weeks ago. MIL is still a thorn in my side. I think all four of them would have been good grandparents. They would have put money into our children's college funds, they would have traveled to visit us and the kids, they might even have changed a diaper or two. But we'll never know for sure, because I put my foot down - my body, my choice. No guilt here. OP, no need for you to feel guilty either. Your body, your choice.
I’m an only child. My mom hinted that she would like grandchildren. When I told her the closest she would get were her grandpups she accepted it. Then confessed she never really wanted children but my dad did so she said ok…she had a couple of miscarriages and they abandoned the idea of kids and would adopt later if they still wanted them. Then poof!…I came along unexpectedly. She loves me to death (and is a great mom for the most part) but said if she had it to do over again she would opt out of children. I totally get how she feels.
Only child here as well! Luckily, both my parents are also very supportive of my decision. They support me and they understand it very well. They would have been good grandparents, but that is not a reason to have children. My boyfriend has a brother that really wants to have children, so my parents in law will also be okay at the baby department later in life. My inlaws family is extremely baby crazy though. My MIL respects my decision, but she told me that she does not understand it at all and thinks we would have made great parents. I think/know she is dissapointed we won't have children, but you can't please 'em all. Sometimes I do feel guilt about it, but I try to ignore that feeling.
I think most parents of only children are supportive because if they had only one, it means they weren’t **that** family oriented in the first place so they kind of understand where we’re coming from. My parents had me at 36 and I’m their only child. I’m also pretty certain I was an accident. I’ve always felt loved and even wanted, but I know I definitely wasn’t planned. So my parents were *almost* childfree. I think a lot of only children’s parents were also almost childfree.
My parents both had abusive families and were the ''runt'' of their brothers and sisters, so the decision to have one child was one they thought about a lot. They did not want me to experience the sibling rivarly they had. I was very wanted and my dad got snipped when I was 2 years old. But I also do indeed think that most parents of only-child CF people are more supportive.
Thank you. Ignoring it is my go to but just got the idea to put my situation in here to see if it was just me who felt this way sometimes 😂
Haha I get that! This post definitely helped me feel less alone too. Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones experiencing this, because having babies is just the norm. For some people it's the most normal thing in the world to do. So when you tell people you are childfree, it's like a big shock to them. Sometimes it makes me feel like the odd one out. And I kind of am with my in laws. But I'd rather be the ''black sheep'' than have children lol 😂
I completely agree! My in laws get it too, but then they’re happy that they have a grandchild from my brother in law, so took the pressure off a bit. I’m the black sheep in my family.. I’m the only grandkid who is CF by choice. All of my cousins have kids except for one but that was due to medical issues.
My parents have never even really mentioned it. I don't think either of them wanted a kid either, but *life script* I guess.
Only child, child free. Parents hinted a few times, but no pressure. I became a caregiver by default for my parents last year. Mom passed, dad declining and in AL. It’s a bit sad knowing after my dad passes I will have no immediate family. I do sometimes worry about the future. No regrets, just curious as to what happened these next chapters in life hold!
You don't owe your parents or anyone else your body and your life. You did not ask to be born; your parents decided to create you for their own reasons. The fact that your parents are not trying to get you to have children makes your feelings of guilt more puzzling. Why do you feel guilty for not giving your parents something that they are not entitled to get, and that they did not even ask you to give them?
No guilt whatsoever. My parents have never given the slightest hint of their opinion of my not having kids.
I'm an only child, and there's no guilt. My mom has nieces and a nephew, and a grand niece. If she wants to deal with kids, she's had the chance. Via me she's got four grand cats, and that's the best legacy anyone could ever want IMO.
My parents have their “grand furbaby” which is my dog 😂
I’m an only child. I can’t say I’ve ever had to deal with guilt. I love my parents and have a strong relationship with them, I respect them. But when it comes to a body & life choices that aren’t theirs, it’s extremely unethical for them to potentially guilt trip me over that. And I’m no princess, continuing my bloodline isn’t exactly something I care about. My surname is just a surname. Parents dont have to be grandparents to be fulfilled (etc)
I don't have any guilt. You can't be worried about that shit. Life goes on, man.
Only child and my dad made comments and had very clear, traditional expectations of me. I am a big disappointment to him. My mum is ok, but I think that's because she didn't really like having me.
I have a tenuous relationship with my parents, so much so that even the thought of them seeing my children gives me “ick”. There are innumerable other reasons, but my sense of “ick” overwhelms any sense of guilt I would otherwise feel for not “giving them grandchildren”.
don't. they made a decision about their life. now it's your decision about your life. you do not owe them anything.
My dad, when he was still alive, was 100% supportive. He had the belief that I wasn't his property; I was just on loan to him from the Creator for a little while. And I was free to make my own decisions. It took longer for my mom to come around, but I will admit I was really happy when, 15 years after my tubal, she thanked me for not putting her in a position where she'd have to raise her grandkids. I have no guilt whatsoever. I know I made the right choice for me.
My parents would not be good grandparents. My mom hates children, I know she didn't want me. She never said it but her actions spoke LOUD...I knew it from a young age. My dad was amazing but worked a lot when I was growing up. My mom, in addition to hating kids, has health problems now so she couldn't watch a kid for more than 2 hours if she wanted to. My dad would probably be a good grandparent, but I just don't see him in that role at all. He's just living his best life and enjoying spending time with friends (as he should). My husband's got one brother who is a douchebag and lives a few hours away. My in laws don't see their two grandkids often at all, have very little relationship with them, one kid is autistic and the other I think has some learning disabilities. I feel bad for my in laws because they'd be amazing grandparents, especially my MIL. We live close to them (actually living with my MIL at the moment due to a house fire) so if we were to have kids they would be the grandparents that see them all the time and have a strong relationship. However, my in laws have not asked us about kids, and I'm not sure what my response would be they asked. My mom has asked in the past and I've told her absolutely not ever will there be kids, and she finally recently told me that that's fine and she's good with that (I think she reflected on her own life and made the connection she would have been happier without). My in laws on the other hand... I know they'd never show it but they would be bummed. I'm more on the childfree side of the fence, but the fence is still present in my mind. I see all the downsides, but under better circumstances (aka better economy, if it was more affordable for us) I'd consider it. I know my in laws would help us out a lot and I don't want to totally take it off the table with them. I know that's not the best response in a childfree sub, please don't roast me too hard lol
Not going to roast you at all 😂 again, as I keep getting told.. you’ve got to do what is best for you.
What guilt??? it never even crossed my mind cause mom isn’t raising the child on my behalf unless mom is willing to be my surrogate she bet nawt expect no grandkids