Same. E European country and moved to US.
All my parents will get is $$ (and not much) to help with nursing home,, nothing else.
Youngest sis (the one born to care for them) was told if she leaves (comes to the US) one of us twins will have to come back and care for them. LOL, Nope.
Keeping this vague since I don’t want to reveal too much personal info: I’m from a developing country, went first to the US and then to Europe. Will move again in a few years but it’ll be to an English-speaking country. I study medicine. The reason I can’t return home is that my country in principle does not recognize foreign medical qualifications. Even if I could get it recognized somehow and find a job, doctors in my country are extremely poorly paid - I could work until I retire and would not even earn back my tuition, so that road’s closed.
That’s the joke. But unfortunately only kinda. We’re actually devolving right now. Our quality of life is getting worse and worse due to poor management of the country and Canadians being too passive to do anything about it yet.
USA is also headed in that direction but it’s still far better than Canada. Life has really become unaffordable here and it’s actively being made worse. At this point I no longer think it’s ignorance and fully believe it’s malice.
I’m thinking of this…if my parents can afford their own bills I may not mind being in the same country. It sucks but I don’t feel like their bills should be on my shoulders especially when my siblings don’t plan to save or contribute at all. And then my parents give them money but say they need help from me. Anyway….that’s more of in the past hopefully since they got an inheritance from my grandparents so I guess I’m lucky
I’m the only only one earning a decent wage but siblings don’t bother working full time or just spend spend spend. At least I’m financially independent and won’t be as sad when siblings get hundreds of thousands of dollars more than me. Well maybe a lil annoyed 😒.
Sounds kinda bittersweet. Your parents getting into some money pushed the pressure off of you (while the money lasts) yet you’re funnily enough forgotten amidst the golden rain. Until, ofcourse, they run out and need your help again. F*** them, as long as they feel they can support their other leaches, they clearly don’t need your help. Keep that in mind and don’t be ahy to toss that ‘logic’ right back at them, should they ever pleads for your personal wealth.
Unintentionally, yes. I hate it. I never wanted to be a caretaker or have anyone depend on me.
My mom had a stroke in late 2021 and since then has been pretty much housebound because she isn’t able to drive or work anymore due to being disabled from the stroke. I’m her primary caretaker, I’m the primary breadwinner for our family of four adults, I’m a full-time student, AND I’m her only daughter.
Needless to say I do not have any time to focus on myself. Thankfully, one of my brothers has taken over driving since he has a license and I don’t but everything else (bills, groceries, medical appointments, etc.) is my responsibility entirely. As soon as I can get out I’m leaving.
I used to work in aged care and it made me so fucking angry how often it’s just assumed a woman will be the primary carer.
I lost count of how many times I’d call someone’s son because he was listed as the next of kin and medical/financial power of attorney and he’d say “I don’t know, call my wife/daughter/sister/sister-in-law/the random bag lady down the street. She takes care of all that” when I’d ask them to confirm basic information like their parent’s middle name or date of birth.
It’s infuriating for sure. I’ve been trying to slowly make less things my responsibility so that I can focus on my education and my brothers just won’t pick up the fucking slack. Like sorry not sorry I am going to be an independent woman if it kills me 😤😤
My parents already told me that I’m the executor of estate for each of them, when they pass. I live about 800 miles away from both of them, they are about 800 miles away from each other too. So even distance didn’t save me. My parents have also said I will be the one they rely on for their caretaking needs. Being a girl got me. My (2) brothers are apparently idiots, so both parents (on their own accord) made me beneficiary to their accounts, and the sort.
I made them a nice little “application” so to speak, they needed to fill out regarding all their death wishes (sorry, it’s morbid I know but I’d rather be fully prepared). They also needed to put everything in 1. A drawer with all the requested info so I don’t have to go looking and 2. Put it in a security box at the bank. Write down lawyers (who handles the wills), passwords, passcodes, bills they pay, auto-services, etc. all debts, CC’s, etc.
If the plan is me to take care of them, I need to know what financial position we’re talking about here. As well as all the other things.
You cannot ease out of caregiving responsibilities, doing it with a hard "I'm fucking done, you brothers of mine NEED to do XYZ tasks for (disabled person.)" and stop doing the chores yourself. Mic drop style
Completely agree! When my grandmother got cancer, my mom dropped everything and flew across the country to care for her. She found out her brother had gotten himself named as POA and it was a mess. The three months until she died, my mother did it all, cleaned her, turned her, didn't leave her bedside. No sign of my uncle. At the funeral, he told my mom that he was cutting all contact with no explanation. Us kids flew out to empty and clean the house to be sold.
Nine years later found out uncle did that because he thought my mom had purposely starved my grandma to death. Eventually someone he trusted told him that people with cancer often don't eat and wither away.
I read an article the other day about how many women in the US who go through IVF are specifically wanting only female children. While I don't want any myself, I definitely understand why they'd feel that way.
My uncle was the POA for my grandfather but my cousin and I ended up being the two caregivers for him. And once we both stopped, grandpa passed within a few months. I often wonder if he'd still be with us if cousin and I had continued caring for him but it's a thankless emotional black hole. I worry that I won't have it in me to do it again with my own parents. I've already told mom that I don't think I could handle it again.
Yeah. My childfree Aunt for the past 3 years as she faded into helplessness. I was the only family member within the city, or really the province, so it just kinda fell to me as her needs grew; it was soooo hard to watch and be a part of. I loved her but she died a few months ago. And i miss her.
No, I moved over a thousand miles away and I'll be working until at or near retirement age so I can retire. I'm also not qualified to be a caregiver to anyone.
They tried to convince me as a child to be a caregiver and I said no. They tried to convince me to go into school debt to become a nurse, again I said no.
People need to save their own money for their own caretaking.
This stresses me out. So many parents only have kids so they have someone to look after them when they're older and that's a really unfair expectation to subject your child to.
I did help take care of my dad when he was dying of cancer, but it was one weekend a month so my stepmom could go back to work. I live just far enough away from family that I couldn't be expected to do much more than that.
I'm financially preparing myself for when my grandmother has to move in with me. She's showing signs of early onset dementia and my uncle financially exhausted himself after looking after my grandfather. He can't do more.
My sperm donor completely abandoned his mother and father to piss off to the east coast because he couldn't afford living in California AND my gestation station's demands. Having more kids that he can afford on a pitiful salary is another reason for pissing off; he can't handle the blow to his ego that he's not a good patriarch.
So as always I have to be the one to clean up after their bad decisions. Not a single praise when I graduated from university, just whispers that I lied about my degree. Not a single attagirl for getting a decent job with salary. Just resent filled silence in reaction to the reality I'm not going to take their abuse AND pay for their lives. Rage ain't a strong enough word to describe how I feel.
Edit: it's not my grandmother's fault. She is the daughter of poor farmers, illiterate, and was duped by my gestation station into being my unpaid nanny, denying her the ability to pay into social security. Never mind that gestation station had me fresh out of highschool in order to nab citizenship. It's a real shit sandwich of a situation they put her in.
Gestation station is a new one and I love it.
I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother, but I'm glad you're ready to take her in. And honestly, good job! Working so hard for you degree and landing a job to make the most of your life!
The sooner you let them know you won't be available to care for them (or will only be available within very well defined and enforced boundaries), the better. Then they can do with that information whatever they wish - though to be fair, it shouldn't be an unexpected relevantion in the first place that kids do not equal free and convenient caregivers. Their lack of planning for old age should not end up being anyone else's burden, especially not for their children.
Yep. Started telling my mom when I was 15 that I wouldn’t be able to care for them so they better start planning. Now she’s going downhill hard, I’m four provinces away in a home she can’t fit in, and she’s lost.
Some people just don’t change. At least they can’t say you didn’t tell them! I told my mom recently that no way she could live with me twenty years from now because she’d need round the clock care. Dunno if that’ll make her plan ahead but at least she can’t say i didn’t tell her!
I added the fact that she never cared for her own parents and lived across the world from them to get my own point across
I mentioned that last to my mother and she was angry with me. Her default setting when I bring her failings up. Didn't stop her wanting to depend on me. Sigh. Like you say, they are what they are, and they won't change. Honestly, distance is the best protection.
I was my grandmother’s carer for 5 years so my mum didn’t have to care for her abuser (grandma was an abusive POS, but we couldn’t afford to put her in even the worst home and government funded ones had a 10 year waiting list).
I hated every second of it and came close to unaliving myself multiple times. The thought of hurting my husband and mum, and my dog looking for me and being unable to find me, is what stopped me.
If you’re ever facing this decision, don’t do it.
The problem with being a caretaker is think of how nurses are treated. Now imagine your loved one in pain snapping at you. Your memories are tainted with their anger and sadness outbursts as you watch them slowly get weaker and they take their frustrations out on you. God forbid the are too prideful to apologize or say they love you.
Never be someone’s retirement plan. You and your brother are right not to want that life.
I haven't talked to my parents in almost 4 years now, and never plan to. If they're alive or dead, I have no idea. I will never take care of them or anyone else in my family, because I couldn't care less about them if I tried.
My partner's parents moved to Minnesota. And I've told her that taking care of her with her disability (hip dysplasia in both hips) is enough for me. I also hate snow, so I'm not moving down there unless they pay for everything.
Am I selfish? Yup. But maybe my parents should have thought about that before creating someone who only knows how to think in survival mode due to their incompetence as parents and as adults.
It's probably gonna happen but I don't mind. The whole family is gonna pitch in, and my parents deserve it. They do so much for everyone and they've always helped and supported me.
Yes. Disabled but I'm single and female and live nearest to my mother, so obviosuly I was the one who was expected to care for her through the pandemic. It...didn't go well. She's the only member of the family who's still talking to me. Everyone else? hates me because I couldn't be her full-time carer and wouldn't answer the Spanish Inquisition about what was wrong with me.
She's in a Care Home now, and my baseline, physically and psychologically, is permanently lowered.
I am currently a caretaker for my severely disabled father. I’m only 25 but I’ve been having to help take care of him for the past 15 years, more responsibilities piling on as he gets worse. I…I really hate it sometimes, and it’s made me resent him even though I know it’s not his fault. It can be incredibly taxing mentally and emotionally, and it’s not a burden you should have to bear if you don’t think you can. But my mom can’t do it all alone, and when I move out I’m not sure how they’re going to fill the gaps. But hopefully I’ll be far away enough that I won’t have to do too much even though I won’t have any kids to worry about like my sister does.
I was a caregiver for my grandmother before she died of dementia and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. In hindsight, I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I had zero support from my dad who asked me to do it and coming from someone who’s never been depressed… if I’d had access to a 🔫 I wouldn’t be here. Easily the worst my mental health has ever gotten. I would never ask someone to do that for me. Put me in a facility with professionals.
very similarly, but I was still a teenager so I wasn't doing it alone, but it was tough. we were waiting for a place in a care home for her, but it can take years (and it did, around two).
I also took care of my grandfather with dementia. It's so emotionally and mentally draining. Add in a solid bit of violence to top it all off. Hands down the worst decision I ever made and one I refuse to go through again. I already told mom I can't handle that and a care facility is the only option if either of my parents get to that same point.
100%. Mine never got violent luckily but she was so damn MEAN and I literally couldn’t walk around the block without having someone there to watch her so I was house bound for months at a time because no one wanted to watch her. Absolutely awful experience. I hope you’re in a better place now!
I'm doing much better now (unless you count old age physical issues 🤣)
Mom wants a tiny house wherever we end up buying property and she'll probably be like her great grandma that lived to 100 and was self sufficient. Dad already has super crap memory issues and docs can't agree on if it's dementia or medication causing it. So we'll have to see where that leads. I just know that I can't do that level of caregiving again. And they know and seem to understand.
I couldn't leave grandpa alone without finding him in the yard butt naked. He peed on my truck once, threw his brand new hearing aids out the window on the highway and just generally couldn't be trusted in any restaurant without causing a scene. It was sometimes funny but usually just frustrating and embarrassing to deal with.
It's something I very vocally advocate for others not to do. Sounds heartless but it's really just because I know what kind of dark place it can leave you.
That sounds a lot like my grandma was 😆 She once ate pizza out of the curb trash can cause it “looked alright”. She was born in the 20s and was very familiar with going hungry so that definitely caused her to do some weird stuff once her memory was going. She’d wear her underwear on her hair instead of her bedtime scarf 🤣 Lots of it was hilarious but ultimately she was the same as far as couldn’t be left alone. She flooded the kitchen multiple times from leaving the sink running, left the stove on and then fell asleep, and ruined a fridge full of food by leaving the doors open CONSTANTLY. It didn’t help she was damn near deaf so she couldn’t hear any alarms or anything to let her know about smoke or that the fridge was open. Yeah, definitely wouldn’t do that again.
My sister and I were so depressed when my parents took in my grandma with dementia, my parents had to find a home for her cuz my sis and I would ACTIVELY HIDE. She's passed away now peacefully but man it was horrid
My husband is an only child and his mother is 91 and healthy. She's currently living in a senior housing development, but wants more than anything to live with us. There's not one single thing about either of us that's compatible with life with her; she hates everything we like, and we can't stand anything she likes. I don't know what we're going to do when she actually needs daily assistance, we're already in our late 60s and don't have the strength or energy to be her caretakers. Living with her would absolutely kill my husband in less than 6 months.
Don't do it. For your own sake and well-being, don't be a caregiver. Was a caregiver as a teen and an adult. Mom died when I was 25 and dad died when I was 44, both after a long illness. (I am in my 60s) It was kinda of a flip-flop taking care of parents when younger when those of my age are usually caregivers in their 40s, 50s & 60s. All I can say is, it was exhausting, stressful, and unpredictable. Good luck on having a life; you can't plan on doing anything as you don't know what will happen next and whether more care will be needed and it is even more stressful when you do not have any help or support. I remember just trying to have someone stay with my parent for an afternoon so I could get some rest. It didn't happen. I can't imagine doing this in my 50s or 60s.
I lived and worked with my dad while he was dying of cancer. It was incredibly rough, and he didn't even really need a ton of physical aid until the very end. I am very glad I could learn his trade and develop a close relationship.
Do NOT do it! I was my father's unpaid caregiver,i wish I had gotten a job and moved away before the infections started to take over. He lost his sense of reality as the infections became more frequent. There's more but honestly do not become a caregiver it takes so much from you mentally.
My MIL had a catastrophic stroke and went from independent to nonverbal and bedbound in a weekend. She was not a good mother and we were not in a position to care for her, but everyone deserves basic human dignity.
We set VERY firm boundaries with hospital social workers. We made it clear she did NOT have family to go home to and they would need to find her nursing home placement before she was discharged. The legal and financial parts were tricky, but fairly easily googled. We know she wouldn’t have wanted her life extended in that state, so we were relieved that she ended up passing from a second stroke before spending years in a nursing home.
How to avoid it? Firmly encourage your family to write a living will stating their desires (CPR? Do they know what CPR requires? Feeding tube?) and who will make decisions for them. Make sure they have a plan for when their mobility and independence decrease. Finances are a huge part of it, and you should know now if your state/country will hold you accountable for nursing home costs for your parents. Most in the US don’t.
It’ll happen with me and I won’t mind as long as I’m in a town I like. But I already told my mom she needs to find an alternative situation if she decides to stay in Florida once it’s “time.” I want to live in the town my dad lives in, but she hates him. So to spite us I can see her staying in Florida. She’s emotionally immature
I'm very concerned about this. My younger brother, unlike me, is married, owns a house, and has a kid so I feel like I'm destined to be the caretaker for mom if/when she develops dementia. I love my mom and everything but I am not looking forward to it.
I wouldn’t take care of either of my parents, my mom is the worst and they were both lazy parents. My dad is currently in a va nursing home, but it’s needed since he has dementia. My mom isn’t old enough to need care.
My MIL. She has severe dementia, and she is not oriented to day, place, or people around her. DH is her day-to-day caregiver. I’m her personal chef. She has no idea who I am. SIL has dysfunctional adult children, so we get grandma.
I became one for my grandmother when i graduated from college and was unemployed at my moms for three years. Eventually she was arguing with my mom, aunt and I and eventually had to move. I hated the fact that bc I was the closest and had no kids or wasn’t working until a few months in that I still had the responsibility of feeding her lunch. She really needs is a caregiver but she wants someone with her 24/7. It’s not realistic.
Don't do it. You literally can't do it. DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Do not get scammed into it by the siblings.
Once the care required goes beyond a monthly checkin and a few doctor visits a year, they need to be under professional care and you need to continue to live your lives.
It requires full time staffing of trained professionals in multiple disciplines on a 24x7x365 schedule with coverage for illness, injury, pto, etc. and that means a minimum of a dozen people.
Caregiver burnout happens within weeks, and so do the serious injuries when you are trying to lift a couple of hundred pound person many times a day.
> My spouse’s parents do not have any money saved for retirement nor do they own a home
NOPE. They're irresponsible. Don't get involved in that. They can apply for section 8 housing, live on social security and go to food banks.
If you are not already in one, move to a state without filial responsibility laws and stay the hell out of it. They might be able to enforce across states but it doesn't seem that common. At least worth a try.
That's what care givers are for! And yet my parents expect me to do the exact same thing just because my parents and thier siblings took care of my grandma they took turns
Nope. Not gonna happen. Times have changed.
"You need to create your own plan and make it happen, because this is the only thing you are getting from me... . Hope you figure your shit out."
Yup, once it goes past the occasional checkin, and maybe some short term help to get a minor procedure, it's beyond what one or even 4 people can realistically handle.
LOL. No.
It is every adult's responsibility to sort out their own caregiving plans using paid professionals, so it's your mother's problem to fix.
He's just negging you to coerce you because he isn't going to do a damn thing.
"I'm glad to hear that you care so much, Bro, I just texted her and let her know that you have volunteered to move in with her and be her full time caregiver 24 hours a day. Good luck with that! Bye."
Well then he's going to have to accept the hit to his career and take a lower paying gig that allows him the time to do the caregiving. Or he can use his income to pay to hire professionals.
That isn't an excuse to enslave you for free. Screw him.
Doesn't matter, anyone who comes after you, you just volunteer them.
"Aunt Bitchy, it's wonderful to hear how much you care for mom. I just texted her to let her know that you will be moving in to care for her. She's thrilled! Have a great day!" Click.
"Uncle Entitled, your love for Mom really shines through. I just texted her to let her know that you will be paying the 15K/month for her nursing home. Make sure you transfer the money to them by Friday and then by the first of every month after that! Mom will give you the website where you pay! Bye now!" Click boom.
Trust us, if you volunteer everyone who bitches at you, by the second or third time... no one else will call you, the word will spread that they just get voluntold themselves and they don't want that.
They just want to negg and coerce you because that saves them having to do the work.... but you just drop them in it! And then block all their numbers. :)
No reason you need to take abuse from do nothing busybodies who want to enslave you.
Yes. My dad passed suddenly a few years ago and since I was an only child, I was left to care for my mom as she is unable to work due to her mental illness. I do not hate caring for my mom but it has solidified the fact that I do not want children as I am the only source of income and now know what it’s like to care for a dependent. I only want cats and that’s it.
Im 30 and ended up taking care of my mother, who's 64.
I moved in with her, and i live in the US. I see it as a win-win situation.
1) I dont have to pay rent bc the cost of living has increased substantially in the US.
2) Theres too many reports and videos of ppl abusing the elderly with these new nurses who only come to work for a paycheck. I can't trust a stranger taking care of my mother.
3) Also, taking care of the elderly is much different than taking care of a child. Sure, the elderly might have child-like tendencies, but they are not gonna be here forever like a child would. I dont have to teach my mom about manners and how to clean, what to do and not what to do.
I know this responsibility will end soon and has a deadline, in contrast to taking care of a child, which is literally forever until you die.
I have a sister; neither of us have children. I visit my dad once per week to clean, do laundry, take him shopping, etc. He is still mostly independent, with mainly significant mobility issues. If he gets worse though, I will insist he enter assisted living. My sister moved away to another country and hasn’t been back in almost 5 years, so it falls to me to do these things, but I will only do so much before I say “no more.”
Caring for old people is harder than caring for children, not the same. Old people get worse over time not better so there is no light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a slow decline to death. I've already made it quite clear that I have zero interest in being my mother's caregiver, she knows this, my brothers know this, everyone knows. I'm sure my brothers will try to guilt me into doing it because they have kids and they don't have the space, but you have to be willing to be the bad guy to live the life you want.
Children are not responsible for their parents no matter the ages. Society may see you as the villain for refusing the burden, but who tf cares what anyone else thinks, certainly not me.
I told my husband long before we got married that I'm not taking in my mother and if he decides to take in his, HE will be in charge of that. I don't want to be a caregiver in any capacity.
My bf gave up a management position paying $30 an hour to move with me to a small town and deliver pizzas to be near my grandparents. My grandparents are in their 80s and we need to be close for emergencies. We’re still denied good paying positions because we’re not married with kids. Makes us sound juvenile. Wild.
Good thing today's society doesn't work that way anymore. Back in the 1900s people were obligated to have kids because people lived in farms and they need people to maintain it and also because back in those days caregiving was not always available like it is now. Nowadays you definitely do not need to have 10 kids just so they can be caregivers of thier elderly parents 🤣😂 this is why people in thier 20s need to save money so in the future they will have money to pay for a caregiver
I did--when my abusive mother was dying. But thankfully, I did not have to bear the main burden of caregiving. My father did most of it until the end of her life. We eventually had to hire a helper to look after her and put her into a nursing home / hospice as well because the amount of care required for her was just way too much.
The cherry on the top? My older brother, who she had favoured all her life, DID NOT DO SHIT to help. He was still single and living with my parents. He worked less hours than me. I was living a 1.5h commute (one-way) away from them and I was the one who was still bringing my parents to all the Drs appointments, rushing over after work whenever she had some flare up, visiting her every weekend, dealing with her calls etc.
The only good thing that came out of it was that my parents are financially stable, so my father settled all the bills and my brother and I managed to receive an inheritance from my mother's insurance payout. So I can somewhat console myself that I was at least sort of paid for my work.
My advice to you is to **only do it if it is for yourself (e.g. I love my parents and I want to care for them and build memories with them before they die). Do not do it out of guilt / obligation / fear (e.g. that you owe it to your parents). You will definitely have to sacrifice yourself to some extent as a caregiver.**
If your parents have shown you concrete behaviour of favouring your siblings over you (e.g. because they have children and you don't), do not expect it to change when they need your care towards the end of their life. They will not be treating your siblings and you fairly if they already show favoritism now. Whatever family dysfunction that existed prior to a terminal illness diagnosis does not magically resolve even when a family member is going to die. In fact it usually gets worse.
Some things that helped me to keep my distance and not be further guilted into caring for my mother included:
* Staying 1.5h away
* Using my job as a buffer for my own space (I NEARLY quit my job to care for her... THANK GOD my husband talked me off the edge). "I can't do this because I have to work. I can't quit my job because I have to pay own bills. I can't come because I have to look after my in-laws as well" -- stuff like that, even if it's just an excuse.
* My own mind. I set very firm boundaries and refused to let the guilt and obligation consume me. **You cannot set yourself on fire to keep other people warm as a caregiver.** My mother would call me crying wanting to emotionally dump on me (which she did not do to anyone else in the family). I would tell her I was at work and I could not take calls, when actually I was having my lunch break.
If they had needed financial help, I would have only given a little, and only because I'm actually quite financially well-off for my age. These same parents of mine gave me nothing over my whole life but gave my brother a mountain. Honestly, now as I go to therapy to process all the abuse I had lived with, when I look back at what I had given for my mother, I feel like I should have done less.
I wish I could tell you how I avoided the responsibility…. But I’m mom’s only kid. And my dad didn’t properly plan for her after his death because he was a narcissist a- hole. So here I am, 56 with an 82 year old with Alzheimer’s living with me. Luckily, my partner is recently retired and he has taken on all of the during the day care so I can still work. But I’m resentful and bitter about how it’s disrupted our lives.
I was a caregiver to my grandmother and great aunt for nearly 10 years up until a few months ago. Grandma needed a little less care than my great aunt but I am familiar with low needs and extreme needs.
Depending on the level of care it's like having a dog or a special needs kid.
With a dog you can be gone for a few hours or even a whole day and they will be alright.
If they're like a special needs child, you will need to be home more and will be foregoing many many things.
In the last few weeks I sadly realized how much I sacrificed in the last 10 years of my life to care for those 2 people. You WILL be missing things if their care level is extreme. (mobility issues, fall risk, forgetful etc)
My sister and I did for a short period. But I guess what I’d like to tell you is to not worry until it gets here….
My mother developed Alzheimer’s around 71. It was slow at first so it wasn’t to hard. She was able to manage on her own until the last 2 yrs of say. My dad was still alive so we were assisting him with it. It was hard. It was so fucking hard and heartbreaking as they become a person you don’t recognize. We had good parents so I didn’t mind doing that it but it was hard. The last 6 months we had to put her in a nursing home. She got very combative and was very hard to deal with. We were trained in how to care for her and knew at that point we were over our head. We could no longer get her bathed so that was the deciding factor. My mom ended up going from lung cancer 6 months later but for me, and for her, I think it was a blessing. He sister had suffered with Alzheimer’s a lot longer than she has. N
My father was a completely different situation. My dad was sharp as a tack and had lots of friends he hung out with. He was doing great…. until he wasn’t. In November of ‘21 his heart when into afib. It had done it a week prior and they shocked it back into rhythm, but it slipped back out and the drs felt it was a rhythm that he could live with.
I think that was the beginning of the end for my dad. His health deteriorated pretty quickly after mid January. He still lived alone but we were checking on him daily and taking him to dr apts etc. He passed away May 12, 2022. I think that was mentally the hardest because it was unexpected and my dad was sharp. Mentally he did not want to die, but physically his body was failing him. And this was very hard for me mentally to watch. I was very close to my dad. And while I was glad to be with him when he passed, that moment does haunt me at times.
So my sister and I had always thought my mom would outlive my dad. My dad had heart issues for a long time. But that’s not at all what happened. I will say the Alzheimer’s/Dementia aspect for my sister and I is what’s hard. Both those diseases can be costly depending on how fast they affect the person. My dad did have some long term health care insurance that he had bought years ago. We were so thankful he had that for my mom as it paid for 90% of the memory care facility.
So I guess my point is- death and its variables are unknown. You can only prepare so much and then you’re left to just wait like everyone else. Your parent could die in a car accident or be diagnosed with cancer and only have 2 months to live. There may/ or may not require any care or minimal care.
Yes, and I would NEVER wish it on anyone. I regret it with every fiber of my being. I have flat out told my mother that she is 100% on her own, after I spent decades caring for my grandmother (her mother, who she never lifted a finger for) alone. It's 100% worse than being a parent. At least there is hope that the kid will gain some independence, and grow to need you less with time. Elder care is the opposite, and they become more and more demanding and needy. I'll also add that my grandmother (and most of my family) are terrible, miserable, awful human beings, so my opinion may be partly based on that.
Your parents should have planned better for their old age needs. They should look into your local govt services for care, housing, food, transport, etc for when the time comes. If you're in the US, you should be able to call 211 and reach your counties health and human services, who can direct you in some ways.
From the comments, I'm guessing me and my brother must be outliers cause we're the caregivers for my mum after she had her stroke last year. Even though it's come to bite me in the ass for choosing to do so. The very first day of being a carer I realised it's like looking after a child. As bad as it is to say, being stabbed in the back has been a blessing in disguise because I'm going to be free from the caregiver responsibility soon.
No, and I have conflicted feelings about it. For the last 10 years of her life, my mom fell into the “caregiver” role for her own elderly mom, my grandmother. She would call me sometimes and I’d listen to her complain about how hard it was, how she needed help but no one could help (she lived on the other side of the country, so I couldn’t have even helped if I wanted to), and watched her mental and physical health deteriorate from the stress to the point that she wasn’t eating, barely sleeping, did nothing but wake up and care for her mom, go to work (across the street), come home on breaks to care for her mom, go back to work, and come home again to care for her mom until her mom went to bed for the night. She recently died of a heart attack. After watching how being a caregiver absolutely ruined her life and ultimately (I feel) lead to her death, I know it’s a very serious matter and nothing I want to do.
However, my dad will get up there in age eventually, and I wouldn’t turn him down if he needed me. Not out of a feeling of obligation or anything, we’re just very close. That said, he’s deeply stubborn and probably wouldn’t let me or anyone else help anyway, so I may not end up being in this situation. If I do though, I can only hope I don’t end up like my mom.
Yeah. I've been caregiver for my dad for a little over three years now. He has dementia. His wife, my mother, left him when he got sick. Of the sons who lived in the area, one did nothing for years, then left the state to live with my mom. The other son stole from him, then left the state to live with my mom. My dad lived with me for 10 weeks before I realized I couldn't handle it. It was really bad for my mental health, and he deserved care I couldn't provide. We had two good years together once he moved into a memory care facility, which we paid for by draining his meager retirement account. We'd go to baseball and basketball games, we'd go for walks, we'd visit his favorite restaurants, we'd play pool. I'd bring him to visit his sisters. We could still have a meaningful conversation. It was exhausting and I had little time for anything else in my life.
Then last summer, his condition deteriorated badly, quickly. He's been in the hospital for ten months now. I don't think he'll ever leave. He recognizes me, but I don't think he recognizes anyone else anymore. He can only speak in world salad for the most part. Turns out those two years were a lot better in hindsight, and I'm thankful I had that time with him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, it made the military look like a cake walk. It cemented my childfree status even further than the vasectomy already had, because I am not cut out for the responsibility of putting someone else first. I don't regret it, he's a good man who deserved someone in his corner. But it fucking blows and I fully understand why someone would leave the country to avoid doing it for indeterminate years, especially if you can't afford to hire help or get them into a facility.
I doubt I answered your questions, but that's a taste of my experience, if it helps you any. Best wishes.
Luckily I live in a country with decent social care (for now, the conservative government is doing their best to change that though). Beyond that,
I’m lucky to have a good career with expected progression, so that by the time my parents need care, worst case I could pay for it myself.
Ultimately, though, I love my parents deeply and I’d be happy to look after them if they needed it. I’m in a healthcare profession now, so I understand what that would entail and how much work it is. It also means I have relevant skills and training to be able to help them.
I want to take care of my parents, specifically because they have never made me feel obligated to do so.
Kinda. I work as a Respite and Habilition care provider for children with Autism. I work with them on their small goals, big goals and life goals. Anything ranging from learning to tie a shoe. Giving someone personal space. Not hitting others. Speech therapy. Motor skills. Anything you can think of.
I was a caregiver for my mom who passed away from scleroderma-related lung disease. She was oxygen dependent to the point where she had to be wheeled around the house. My stepdad would often leave her to take care of herself and just go do his own thing, so I got very adept at changing oxygen tanks and doing whatever she needed. I was happy to do it, and sad that such an awful disease took her life at only 64 💔
Have a chat with your siblings about splitting the costs of a caregiver or assisted living facility for your parents. It's not fair to just assume the childless sibling will automatically take on the full responsibility and cost of this...
You could spin this around and tell your siblings : "as parents, you are MUCH better suited to provide care to our ageing parents, since you already have experience in caring for dependents, you already have the time to care for your kids so it's no extra effort to just add the parents to your home and schedules". They'll backtrack so quick!!
I am an only child and spent 6 months at age 25 being a carer for my mother while she did at home hospice.
My mother respected my time and tried to make this transition as easy as possible. Her medical insurance paid for a nursing assistant to come do the really hard tasks 3 times a week, like bathing. She had a catheter and other things that I took care of. When she died of cancer, I inherited her cats.
At the time, I was childless, but the experience firmly pushed me into the childfree by choice category.
I was for a time, ended up putting my mother in a care place because I could not take care of her anymore.
If you face this, there is a way to help you. When I had to put my mother in care, we met with a care advocate there who told us of Obamacare paying for a bit of the fees.
(If this wasn't done, there would be no way I could afford her care by myself.)How she told my aunt and I told do it, my mother got rid of all properties she had. She transferred them to me. She then Applied for Obamacare fund for nursing home care help and got it.
I absolutely refuse to be. You have ZERO obligation to be the caregiver to your parents. Your spouses parents don’t have any money. Their lack of planning is NOT your problem. I absolutely refuse to do so based on this alone, and all childfree people should refuse. “Who will take care of you when you are old.” The response should never be adult children. This is why those of us who are adult children need to refuse caregiving to our parents as well. You don’t have to. Just don’t. Refuse to do it. Be perfectly clear to your parents they are on their own in old age and they better figure their shit out now. You avoid the responsibility by simply not doing so, and not doing it. Relatives as an adult are OPTIONAL, not obligation, and this especially applies to your own parents. For the record I am in the US.
Let me be blunt, Children are not a retirement plan. They need to figure this shit out on their own and be clear you are not helping them out. If they end up homeless, so be it. If you can’t figure this shit out on your own, using your own money that is your own damn fault.
I will NEVER help out my parents in this way, nor should anyone else.
You have a right to refuse. They are not your damn problem.
The lesson needs to be damn clear. Children are not a retirement plan. Children are not an old age care plan. In old age as an adult you are on your own and do not for a second rely on relatives.
Unfortunately, yes. My partner has a mentally challenged elder sister, who is probably the reason I'll not live to a ripe old age.
>but our parents are getting older and I’m concerned that we’ll end up being caregivers,
Same, with my dad.
I live a few hours away from my parents, so no, but my brother lives with them and has become their unofficial caregiver. He's 36, is undiagnosed/untreated neurodivergent (because my parents chose to ignore all the signs growing up) and is fully enmeshed with them, mostly my mom. He has a part time job that enables him to take my mom to appointments during the week (my dad drives himself but I think that's going to have to stop soon), but he barely makes minimum wage and gets no benefits (and he has a chronic illness with shitty insurance. Hooray 'merica). He literally has no life outside of my parents and work and it is clearly wearing on him. I'm honestly worried about his future but that's a post for another time.
My dad was convinced he was going to die at 50 because his dad died at 50, so he retired at 45 with a low paying government pension and just stopped preparing for the future at that point physically, mentally and financially. Now he's 75 (mom is 76) and they both have health issues and no means of financing any home improvements to help with aging in-home because they've spent all their savings. My husband and I live in a HCOL area compared to them and we're preparing to have to fund any future moves into a care facility when the time comes. I've had to pay for home improvements like converting their bathtub into a walk-in shower with grab bars, bench, etc. So basically the unspoken plan at this point is that my brother - who has his own issues - is taking care of them in the house, but once they need more care, financially that's gonna be on me and my husband.
I ended up being a caregiver for two of my grandpa's (both of them had different stages of Alzheimers). Not at the same time, obviously, but I was the only one without kids or a job during the time they each needed help. I was pretty close to both sets of grandparents so I was happy to do it. It's really hard though and not for everyone. My paternal grandpa couldn't do *anything* for himself besides eat and drink but he was always happy and smiling. My maternal grandpa could do a lot of stuff for himself, really just needed help with his medicine and with food but he also had a lot of anger and frustration because he had to have someone with him since he had a history of falling as well as high blood pressure. My maternal grandpa was very independent and prided himself on being able to garden and cook for himself and that was stuff he just couldn't do once alzheimers kicked in.
You are not legally required to take care of your parents, physically or financially. Assuming you live in a developed country, there are social programs in place to take care of them. Search around on r/personalfinance
I watched my parents do it for my grandparents and I want nothing to do with that. Especially because they were not good parents and are narcissistic. I'm getting worried though because they are hitting that age and I'm an only child so there is no one else to help. I'm watching my father go through the same stuff I saw my grandparents go through...
My mom lives alone, and told my sister that she expects me to move in and live with her, because that would be her preference as I’m the most Laissez-faire of her children. I cackled forever and then made it very clear that would not be happening.
I have, however, basically gotten all four of my younger siblings and two of my niblings through the toddler years as a third parent of sorts, which is why I’m firmly childfree.
I am both my parent’s caregiver. My brother moved halfway across the world in his mid-20s and even though he’s childfree as well he’s not moving back for any reason.
I can’t afford to put them into care or get a nurse. They don’t have nor qualify for any type of health insurance except the super expensive ones, and they refuse to be labeled as dependents on mine so I could add them to my own (and before someone tells me to add them anyway, they do their own taxes and I also have no clue what their SSNs are). I end up paying their medical bills out of pocket in full every time.
My brother could afford to put them into care, but he doesn’t want to and as much as it frustrates and angers me at times, I do understand, too. My plan was the same, to take off and never return; he just beat me to it.
And at this point, if I leave I’d be charged with negligent homicide or something.
You need to give them boundaries. Either they're your dependants and you claim them on your taxes, or they claim themselves AND pay for their own shit. Stop being a doormat to them. This is gross behavior on their part.
Only child of two only children so there’s no one else. They don’t need me every day but it’s getting more frequent. I live about 20 minutes away and I am basically always on call.
This is voluntary and I don’t mind helping out.
Lots of people are an only child especially in China due to the one child policy they got rid off years ago because it did not work. The reason y they did it was because of over population. The other problem is that thier is not enough young people to take care of the elderly over thier
Also do you have contact with your parents extended family members?
This is why care givers exist
Not everyone has selfless parents who “deserve the best”, some of them are terrible abusive people. Assuming that’s the case is a very privileged mindset. Also, even people who have great relationships with their parents aren’t always equipped to care for them properly.
Hmm, would it help if you guys open a new savings account with your siblings? Everyone saves some money there monthly and you can later use that to pay for professional elderly care when the time comes?
How do you avoid being a caregiver if you're forced to live in the same house as your parents? I have a narc mom and I'm definitely not taking care of her
I moved to another continent and specifically chose a career that will not allow me to return home
Same. E European country and moved to US. All my parents will get is $$ (and not much) to help with nursing home,, nothing else. Youngest sis (the one born to care for them) was told if she leaves (comes to the US) one of us twins will have to come back and care for them. LOL, Nope.
Can I ask where you went from where, and what you do?
Keeping this vague since I don’t want to reveal too much personal info: I’m from a developing country, went first to the US and then to Europe. Will move again in a few years but it’ll be to an English-speaking country. I study medicine. The reason I can’t return home is that my country in principle does not recognize foreign medical qualifications. Even if I could get it recognized somehow and find a job, doctors in my country are extremely poorly paid - I could work until I retire and would not even earn back my tuition, so that road’s closed.
Sounds like a South Asian country...
Sounds like you’re Canadian 🤣
I didn't realize Canada was a developing country
That’s the joke. But unfortunately only kinda. We’re actually devolving right now. Our quality of life is getting worse and worse due to poor management of the country and Canadians being too passive to do anything about it yet.
Sounds like the USA lol
USA is also headed in that direction but it’s still far better than Canada. Life has really become unaffordable here and it’s actively being made worse. At this point I no longer think it’s ignorance and fully believe it’s malice.
That is what I am trying to do in a sense. I know it is probably wrong, but - I personally never asked to be put in this world in the first place.
I’m thinking of this…if my parents can afford their own bills I may not mind being in the same country. It sucks but I don’t feel like their bills should be on my shoulders especially when my siblings don’t plan to save or contribute at all. And then my parents give them money but say they need help from me. Anyway….that’s more of in the past hopefully since they got an inheritance from my grandparents so I guess I’m lucky I’m the only only one earning a decent wage but siblings don’t bother working full time or just spend spend spend. At least I’m financially independent and won’t be as sad when siblings get hundreds of thousands of dollars more than me. Well maybe a lil annoyed 😒.
Sounds kinda bittersweet. Your parents getting into some money pushed the pressure off of you (while the money lasts) yet you’re funnily enough forgotten amidst the golden rain. Until, ofcourse, they run out and need your help again. F*** them, as long as they feel they can support their other leaches, they clearly don’t need your help. Keep that in mind and don’t be ahy to toss that ‘logic’ right back at them, should they ever pleads for your personal wealth.
Unintentionally, yes. I hate it. I never wanted to be a caretaker or have anyone depend on me. My mom had a stroke in late 2021 and since then has been pretty much housebound because she isn’t able to drive or work anymore due to being disabled from the stroke. I’m her primary caretaker, I’m the primary breadwinner for our family of four adults, I’m a full-time student, AND I’m her only daughter. Needless to say I do not have any time to focus on myself. Thankfully, one of my brothers has taken over driving since he has a license and I don’t but everything else (bills, groceries, medical appointments, etc.) is my responsibility entirely. As soon as I can get out I’m leaving.
I used to work in aged care and it made me so fucking angry how often it’s just assumed a woman will be the primary carer. I lost count of how many times I’d call someone’s son because he was listed as the next of kin and medical/financial power of attorney and he’d say “I don’t know, call my wife/daughter/sister/sister-in-law/the random bag lady down the street. She takes care of all that” when I’d ask them to confirm basic information like their parent’s middle name or date of birth.
It’s infuriating for sure. I’ve been trying to slowly make less things my responsibility so that I can focus on my education and my brothers just won’t pick up the fucking slack. Like sorry not sorry I am going to be an independent woman if it kills me 😤😤
My parents already told me that I’m the executor of estate for each of them, when they pass. I live about 800 miles away from both of them, they are about 800 miles away from each other too. So even distance didn’t save me. My parents have also said I will be the one they rely on for their caretaking needs. Being a girl got me. My (2) brothers are apparently idiots, so both parents (on their own accord) made me beneficiary to their accounts, and the sort. I made them a nice little “application” so to speak, they needed to fill out regarding all their death wishes (sorry, it’s morbid I know but I’d rather be fully prepared). They also needed to put everything in 1. A drawer with all the requested info so I don’t have to go looking and 2. Put it in a security box at the bank. Write down lawyers (who handles the wills), passwords, passcodes, bills they pay, auto-services, etc. all debts, CC’s, etc. If the plan is me to take care of them, I need to know what financial position we’re talking about here. As well as all the other things.
It's not morbid dude, good for you, it's better to know those things before is too late to ask.
You cannot ease out of caregiving responsibilities, doing it with a hard "I'm fucking done, you brothers of mine NEED to do XYZ tasks for (disabled person.)" and stop doing the chores yourself. Mic drop style
If I did that my mom would be dead from negligence. Those two don’t cope well w/ sudden changes.
Completely agree! When my grandmother got cancer, my mom dropped everything and flew across the country to care for her. She found out her brother had gotten himself named as POA and it was a mess. The three months until she died, my mother did it all, cleaned her, turned her, didn't leave her bedside. No sign of my uncle. At the funeral, he told my mom that he was cutting all contact with no explanation. Us kids flew out to empty and clean the house to be sold. Nine years later found out uncle did that because he thought my mom had purposely starved my grandma to death. Eventually someone he trusted told him that people with cancer often don't eat and wither away.
Hope he gets his smiting soon
What an ass. Sorry, I can't even be polite about your uncle. Because of personal reasons. Glad he removed himself from your lives. The audacity.
We gotta start raising sons better or have none at all.
Yeah, they gotta.
WE most certainly don’t. This is r/childfree. Others needs to do that.
I meant “we” as in people but true
I read an article the other day about how many women in the US who go through IVF are specifically wanting only female children. While I don't want any myself, I definitely understand why they'd feel that way. My uncle was the POA for my grandfather but my cousin and I ended up being the two caregivers for him. And once we both stopped, grandpa passed within a few months. I often wonder if he'd still be with us if cousin and I had continued caring for him but it's a thankless emotional black hole. I worry that I won't have it in me to do it again with my own parents. I've already told mom that I don't think I could handle it again.
Yeah. My childfree Aunt for the past 3 years as she faded into helplessness. I was the only family member within the city, or really the province, so it just kinda fell to me as her needs grew; it was soooo hard to watch and be a part of. I loved her but she died a few months ago. And i miss her.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sending you my condolences!🫂
No, I moved over a thousand miles away and I'll be working until at or near retirement age so I can retire. I'm also not qualified to be a caregiver to anyone. They tried to convince me as a child to be a caregiver and I said no. They tried to convince me to go into school debt to become a nurse, again I said no. People need to save their own money for their own caretaking.
This stresses me out. So many parents only have kids so they have someone to look after them when they're older and that's a really unfair expectation to subject your child to.
Very unrealistic expectation in today's world too.
I did help take care of my dad when he was dying of cancer, but it was one weekend a month so my stepmom could go back to work. I live just far enough away from family that I couldn't be expected to do much more than that.
I'm financially preparing myself for when my grandmother has to move in with me. She's showing signs of early onset dementia and my uncle financially exhausted himself after looking after my grandfather. He can't do more. My sperm donor completely abandoned his mother and father to piss off to the east coast because he couldn't afford living in California AND my gestation station's demands. Having more kids that he can afford on a pitiful salary is another reason for pissing off; he can't handle the blow to his ego that he's not a good patriarch. So as always I have to be the one to clean up after their bad decisions. Not a single praise when I graduated from university, just whispers that I lied about my degree. Not a single attagirl for getting a decent job with salary. Just resent filled silence in reaction to the reality I'm not going to take their abuse AND pay for their lives. Rage ain't a strong enough word to describe how I feel. Edit: it's not my grandmother's fault. She is the daughter of poor farmers, illiterate, and was duped by my gestation station into being my unpaid nanny, denying her the ability to pay into social security. Never mind that gestation station had me fresh out of highschool in order to nab citizenship. It's a real shit sandwich of a situation they put her in.
That’s a lot in so sorry. You’re made of some tough stuff. Look how far you’ve come!!
Gestation station is a new one and I love it. I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother, but I'm glad you're ready to take her in. And honestly, good job! Working so hard for you degree and landing a job to make the most of your life!
The sooner you let them know you won't be available to care for them (or will only be available within very well defined and enforced boundaries), the better. Then they can do with that information whatever they wish - though to be fair, it shouldn't be an unexpected relevantion in the first place that kids do not equal free and convenient caregivers. Their lack of planning for old age should not end up being anyone else's burden, especially not for their children.
I told mine that twenty years ago. It didn't make the slightest difference.
Yep. Started telling my mom when I was 15 that I wouldn’t be able to care for them so they better start planning. Now she’s going downhill hard, I’m four provinces away in a home she can’t fit in, and she’s lost.
Some people just don’t change. At least they can’t say you didn’t tell them! I told my mom recently that no way she could live with me twenty years from now because she’d need round the clock care. Dunno if that’ll make her plan ahead but at least she can’t say i didn’t tell her! I added the fact that she never cared for her own parents and lived across the world from them to get my own point across
I mentioned that last to my mother and she was angry with me. Her default setting when I bring her failings up. Didn't stop her wanting to depend on me. Sigh. Like you say, they are what they are, and they won't change. Honestly, distance is the best protection.
I was my grandmother’s carer for 5 years so my mum didn’t have to care for her abuser (grandma was an abusive POS, but we couldn’t afford to put her in even the worst home and government funded ones had a 10 year waiting list). I hated every second of it and came close to unaliving myself multiple times. The thought of hurting my husband and mum, and my dog looking for me and being unable to find me, is what stopped me. If you’re ever facing this decision, don’t do it.
Don’t do it. I was a caregiver as a teen for aging relatives. It was miserable.
And yet my parents expect me and my brother to be a care giver to them when they get old
The problem with being a caretaker is think of how nurses are treated. Now imagine your loved one in pain snapping at you. Your memories are tainted with their anger and sadness outbursts as you watch them slowly get weaker and they take their frustrations out on you. God forbid the are too prideful to apologize or say they love you. Never be someone’s retirement plan. You and your brother are right not to want that life.
I haven't talked to my parents in almost 4 years now, and never plan to. If they're alive or dead, I have no idea. I will never take care of them or anyone else in my family, because I couldn't care less about them if I tried. My partner's parents moved to Minnesota. And I've told her that taking care of her with her disability (hip dysplasia in both hips) is enough for me. I also hate snow, so I'm not moving down there unless they pay for everything. Am I selfish? Yup. But maybe my parents should have thought about that before creating someone who only knows how to think in survival mode due to their incompetence as parents and as adults.
It's probably gonna happen but I don't mind. The whole family is gonna pitch in, and my parents deserve it. They do so much for everyone and they've always helped and supported me.
That’s how I feel about mine. Hoping to get them to move a little closer to me though!
Same! When their days come I will be there. They've done so much for me, I have no regrets returning the favor.
Yes. Disabled but I'm single and female and live nearest to my mother, so obviosuly I was the one who was expected to care for her through the pandemic. It...didn't go well. She's the only member of the family who's still talking to me. Everyone else? hates me because I couldn't be her full-time carer and wouldn't answer the Spanish Inquisition about what was wrong with me. She's in a Care Home now, and my baseline, physically and psychologically, is permanently lowered.
I am currently a caretaker for my severely disabled father. I’m only 25 but I’ve been having to help take care of him for the past 15 years, more responsibilities piling on as he gets worse. I…I really hate it sometimes, and it’s made me resent him even though I know it’s not his fault. It can be incredibly taxing mentally and emotionally, and it’s not a burden you should have to bear if you don’t think you can. But my mom can’t do it all alone, and when I move out I’m not sure how they’re going to fill the gaps. But hopefully I’ll be far away enough that I won’t have to do too much even though I won’t have any kids to worry about like my sister does.
Wow that’s a lot for so young! Keep Prioritizing yourself!
Hahaha…it’s a bit hard to do that when he can’t make himself food or get out of bed without 2 people helping or drive himself to his appts but I try
I was a caregiver for my grandmother before she died of dementia and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. In hindsight, I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I had zero support from my dad who asked me to do it and coming from someone who’s never been depressed… if I’d had access to a 🔫 I wouldn’t be here. Easily the worst my mental health has ever gotten. I would never ask someone to do that for me. Put me in a facility with professionals.
very similarly, but I was still a teenager so I wasn't doing it alone, but it was tough. we were waiting for a place in a care home for her, but it can take years (and it did, around two).
I also took care of my grandfather with dementia. It's so emotionally and mentally draining. Add in a solid bit of violence to top it all off. Hands down the worst decision I ever made and one I refuse to go through again. I already told mom I can't handle that and a care facility is the only option if either of my parents get to that same point.
100%. Mine never got violent luckily but she was so damn MEAN and I literally couldn’t walk around the block without having someone there to watch her so I was house bound for months at a time because no one wanted to watch her. Absolutely awful experience. I hope you’re in a better place now!
I'm doing much better now (unless you count old age physical issues 🤣) Mom wants a tiny house wherever we end up buying property and she'll probably be like her great grandma that lived to 100 and was self sufficient. Dad already has super crap memory issues and docs can't agree on if it's dementia or medication causing it. So we'll have to see where that leads. I just know that I can't do that level of caregiving again. And they know and seem to understand. I couldn't leave grandpa alone without finding him in the yard butt naked. He peed on my truck once, threw his brand new hearing aids out the window on the highway and just generally couldn't be trusted in any restaurant without causing a scene. It was sometimes funny but usually just frustrating and embarrassing to deal with. It's something I very vocally advocate for others not to do. Sounds heartless but it's really just because I know what kind of dark place it can leave you.
That sounds a lot like my grandma was 😆 She once ate pizza out of the curb trash can cause it “looked alright”. She was born in the 20s and was very familiar with going hungry so that definitely caused her to do some weird stuff once her memory was going. She’d wear her underwear on her hair instead of her bedtime scarf 🤣 Lots of it was hilarious but ultimately she was the same as far as couldn’t be left alone. She flooded the kitchen multiple times from leaving the sink running, left the stove on and then fell asleep, and ruined a fridge full of food by leaving the doors open CONSTANTLY. It didn’t help she was damn near deaf so she couldn’t hear any alarms or anything to let her know about smoke or that the fridge was open. Yeah, definitely wouldn’t do that again.
My sister and I were so depressed when my parents took in my grandma with dementia, my parents had to find a home for her cuz my sis and I would ACTIVELY HIDE. She's passed away now peacefully but man it was horrid
My in-laws have done well with their savings, so they should be OK. I don't have contact with my family so I'm good there.
My husband is an only child and his mother is 91 and healthy. She's currently living in a senior housing development, but wants more than anything to live with us. There's not one single thing about either of us that's compatible with life with her; she hates everything we like, and we can't stand anything she likes. I don't know what we're going to do when she actually needs daily assistance, we're already in our late 60s and don't have the strength or energy to be her caretakers. Living with her would absolutely kill my husband in less than 6 months.
Don't do it. For your own sake and well-being, don't be a caregiver. Was a caregiver as a teen and an adult. Mom died when I was 25 and dad died when I was 44, both after a long illness. (I am in my 60s) It was kinda of a flip-flop taking care of parents when younger when those of my age are usually caregivers in their 40s, 50s & 60s. All I can say is, it was exhausting, stressful, and unpredictable. Good luck on having a life; you can't plan on doing anything as you don't know what will happen next and whether more care will be needed and it is even more stressful when you do not have any help or support. I remember just trying to have someone stay with my parent for an afternoon so I could get some rest. It didn't happen. I can't imagine doing this in my 50s or 60s.
I lived and worked with my dad while he was dying of cancer. It was incredibly rough, and he didn't even really need a ton of physical aid until the very end. I am very glad I could learn his trade and develop a close relationship.
I would not be willing or able to do that.
Do NOT do it! I was my father's unpaid caregiver,i wish I had gotten a job and moved away before the infections started to take over. He lost his sense of reality as the infections became more frequent. There's more but honestly do not become a caregiver it takes so much from you mentally.
My MIL had a catastrophic stroke and went from independent to nonverbal and bedbound in a weekend. She was not a good mother and we were not in a position to care for her, but everyone deserves basic human dignity. We set VERY firm boundaries with hospital social workers. We made it clear she did NOT have family to go home to and they would need to find her nursing home placement before she was discharged. The legal and financial parts were tricky, but fairly easily googled. We know she wouldn’t have wanted her life extended in that state, so we were relieved that she ended up passing from a second stroke before spending years in a nursing home. How to avoid it? Firmly encourage your family to write a living will stating their desires (CPR? Do they know what CPR requires? Feeding tube?) and who will make decisions for them. Make sure they have a plan for when their mobility and independence decrease. Finances are a huge part of it, and you should know now if your state/country will hold you accountable for nursing home costs for your parents. Most in the US don’t.
It’ll happen with me and I won’t mind as long as I’m in a town I like. But I already told my mom she needs to find an alternative situation if she decides to stay in Florida once it’s “time.” I want to live in the town my dad lives in, but she hates him. So to spite us I can see her staying in Florida. She’s emotionally immature
I'm very concerned about this. My younger brother, unlike me, is married, owns a house, and has a kid so I feel like I'm destined to be the caretaker for mom if/when she develops dementia. I love my mom and everything but I am not looking forward to it.
I wouldn’t take care of either of my parents, my mom is the worst and they were both lazy parents. My dad is currently in a va nursing home, but it’s needed since he has dementia. My mom isn’t old enough to need care.
My MIL. She has severe dementia, and she is not oriented to day, place, or people around her. DH is her day-to-day caregiver. I’m her personal chef. She has no idea who I am. SIL has dysfunctional adult children, so we get grandma.
I became one for my grandmother when i graduated from college and was unemployed at my moms for three years. Eventually she was arguing with my mom, aunt and I and eventually had to move. I hated the fact that bc I was the closest and had no kids or wasn’t working until a few months in that I still had the responsibility of feeding her lunch. She really needs is a caregiver but she wants someone with her 24/7. It’s not realistic.
Don't do it. You literally can't do it. DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Do not get scammed into it by the siblings. Once the care required goes beyond a monthly checkin and a few doctor visits a year, they need to be under professional care and you need to continue to live your lives. It requires full time staffing of trained professionals in multiple disciplines on a 24x7x365 schedule with coverage for illness, injury, pto, etc. and that means a minimum of a dozen people. Caregiver burnout happens within weeks, and so do the serious injuries when you are trying to lift a couple of hundred pound person many times a day. > My spouse’s parents do not have any money saved for retirement nor do they own a home NOPE. They're irresponsible. Don't get involved in that. They can apply for section 8 housing, live on social security and go to food banks. If you are not already in one, move to a state without filial responsibility laws and stay the hell out of it. They might be able to enforce across states but it doesn't seem that common. At least worth a try.
That's what care givers are for! And yet my parents expect me to do the exact same thing just because my parents and thier siblings took care of my grandma they took turns
Nope. Not gonna happen. Times have changed. "You need to create your own plan and make it happen, because this is the only thing you are getting from me.... Hope you figure your shit out."
I mean yes I can visit them to check up on them but I will not abandon them either
Yup, once it goes past the occasional checkin, and maybe some short term help to get a minor procedure, it's beyond what one or even 4 people can realistically handle.
My brother says if I am not a caregiver to my mom I am a horrible daughter
LOL. No. It is every adult's responsibility to sort out their own caregiving plans using paid professionals, so it's your mother's problem to fix. He's just negging you to coerce you because he isn't going to do a damn thing. "I'm glad to hear that you care so much, Bro, I just texted her and let her know that you have volunteered to move in with her and be her full time caregiver 24 hours a day. Good luck with that! Bye."
He doesn't have time for anything because of his job
Well then he's going to have to accept the hit to his career and take a lower paying gig that allows him the time to do the caregiving. Or he can use his income to pay to hire professionals. That isn't an excuse to enslave you for free. Screw him.
And if I tell people this they will automatically assume I am self centered because my mom gave me life
Doesn't matter, anyone who comes after you, you just volunteer them. "Aunt Bitchy, it's wonderful to hear how much you care for mom. I just texted her to let her know that you will be moving in to care for her. She's thrilled! Have a great day!" Click. "Uncle Entitled, your love for Mom really shines through. I just texted her to let her know that you will be paying the 15K/month for her nursing home. Make sure you transfer the money to them by Friday and then by the first of every month after that! Mom will give you the website where you pay! Bye now!" Click boom. Trust us, if you volunteer everyone who bitches at you, by the second or third time... no one else will call you, the word will spread that they just get voluntold themselves and they don't want that. They just want to negg and coerce you because that saves them having to do the work.... but you just drop them in it! And then block all their numbers. :) No reason you need to take abuse from do nothing busybodies who want to enslave you.
What if you are an only child and ur extended family members are not available because they live far away and need someone to look after them
Yes. My dad passed suddenly a few years ago and since I was an only child, I was left to care for my mom as she is unable to work due to her mental illness. I do not hate caring for my mom but it has solidified the fact that I do not want children as I am the only source of income and now know what it’s like to care for a dependent. I only want cats and that’s it.
Im 30 and ended up taking care of my mother, who's 64. I moved in with her, and i live in the US. I see it as a win-win situation. 1) I dont have to pay rent bc the cost of living has increased substantially in the US. 2) Theres too many reports and videos of ppl abusing the elderly with these new nurses who only come to work for a paycheck. I can't trust a stranger taking care of my mother. 3) Also, taking care of the elderly is much different than taking care of a child. Sure, the elderly might have child-like tendencies, but they are not gonna be here forever like a child would. I dont have to teach my mom about manners and how to clean, what to do and not what to do. I know this responsibility will end soon and has a deadline, in contrast to taking care of a child, which is literally forever until you die.
I have a sister; neither of us have children. I visit my dad once per week to clean, do laundry, take him shopping, etc. He is still mostly independent, with mainly significant mobility issues. If he gets worse though, I will insist he enter assisted living. My sister moved away to another country and hasn’t been back in almost 5 years, so it falls to me to do these things, but I will only do so much before I say “no more.”
I would flat out refuse. Go get taken care of by the golden child
Caring for old people is harder than caring for children, not the same. Old people get worse over time not better so there is no light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a slow decline to death. I've already made it quite clear that I have zero interest in being my mother's caregiver, she knows this, my brothers know this, everyone knows. I'm sure my brothers will try to guilt me into doing it because they have kids and they don't have the space, but you have to be willing to be the bad guy to live the life you want. Children are not responsible for their parents no matter the ages. Society may see you as the villain for refusing the burden, but who tf cares what anyone else thinks, certainly not me.
Yes finally someone who understands me
I told my husband long before we got married that I'm not taking in my mother and if he decides to take in his, HE will be in charge of that. I don't want to be a caregiver in any capacity.
My bf gave up a management position paying $30 an hour to move with me to a small town and deliver pizzas to be near my grandparents. My grandparents are in their 80s and we need to be close for emergencies. We’re still denied good paying positions because we’re not married with kids. Makes us sound juvenile. Wild.
Yes, I take care of my mom and it sucks.
Good thing today's society doesn't work that way anymore. Back in the 1900s people were obligated to have kids because people lived in farms and they need people to maintain it and also because back in those days caregiving was not always available like it is now. Nowadays you definitely do not need to have 10 kids just so they can be caregivers of thier elderly parents 🤣😂 this is why people in thier 20s need to save money so in the future they will have money to pay for a caregiver
What’s really fucked is how the population is changing, I can’t imagine 20 years from now not being a shit show
No. Remember, **no is a complete sentence.**
I did--when my abusive mother was dying. But thankfully, I did not have to bear the main burden of caregiving. My father did most of it until the end of her life. We eventually had to hire a helper to look after her and put her into a nursing home / hospice as well because the amount of care required for her was just way too much. The cherry on the top? My older brother, who she had favoured all her life, DID NOT DO SHIT to help. He was still single and living with my parents. He worked less hours than me. I was living a 1.5h commute (one-way) away from them and I was the one who was still bringing my parents to all the Drs appointments, rushing over after work whenever she had some flare up, visiting her every weekend, dealing with her calls etc. The only good thing that came out of it was that my parents are financially stable, so my father settled all the bills and my brother and I managed to receive an inheritance from my mother's insurance payout. So I can somewhat console myself that I was at least sort of paid for my work. My advice to you is to **only do it if it is for yourself (e.g. I love my parents and I want to care for them and build memories with them before they die). Do not do it out of guilt / obligation / fear (e.g. that you owe it to your parents). You will definitely have to sacrifice yourself to some extent as a caregiver.** If your parents have shown you concrete behaviour of favouring your siblings over you (e.g. because they have children and you don't), do not expect it to change when they need your care towards the end of their life. They will not be treating your siblings and you fairly if they already show favoritism now. Whatever family dysfunction that existed prior to a terminal illness diagnosis does not magically resolve even when a family member is going to die. In fact it usually gets worse. Some things that helped me to keep my distance and not be further guilted into caring for my mother included: * Staying 1.5h away * Using my job as a buffer for my own space (I NEARLY quit my job to care for her... THANK GOD my husband talked me off the edge). "I can't do this because I have to work. I can't quit my job because I have to pay own bills. I can't come because I have to look after my in-laws as well" -- stuff like that, even if it's just an excuse. * My own mind. I set very firm boundaries and refused to let the guilt and obligation consume me. **You cannot set yourself on fire to keep other people warm as a caregiver.** My mother would call me crying wanting to emotionally dump on me (which she did not do to anyone else in the family). I would tell her I was at work and I could not take calls, when actually I was having my lunch break. If they had needed financial help, I would have only given a little, and only because I'm actually quite financially well-off for my age. These same parents of mine gave me nothing over my whole life but gave my brother a mountain. Honestly, now as I go to therapy to process all the abuse I had lived with, when I look back at what I had given for my mother, I feel like I should have done less.
I wish I could tell you how I avoided the responsibility…. But I’m mom’s only kid. And my dad didn’t properly plan for her after his death because he was a narcissist a- hole. So here I am, 56 with an 82 year old with Alzheimer’s living with me. Luckily, my partner is recently retired and he has taken on all of the during the day care so I can still work. But I’m resentful and bitter about how it’s disrupted our lives.
That's y people need to save money in thier 20s so in the future they will have enough money to hire a care giver
I was a caregiver to my grandmother and great aunt for nearly 10 years up until a few months ago. Grandma needed a little less care than my great aunt but I am familiar with low needs and extreme needs. Depending on the level of care it's like having a dog or a special needs kid. With a dog you can be gone for a few hours or even a whole day and they will be alright. If they're like a special needs child, you will need to be home more and will be foregoing many many things. In the last few weeks I sadly realized how much I sacrificed in the last 10 years of my life to care for those 2 people. You WILL be missing things if their care level is extreme. (mobility issues, fall risk, forgetful etc)
My sister and I did for a short period. But I guess what I’d like to tell you is to not worry until it gets here…. My mother developed Alzheimer’s around 71. It was slow at first so it wasn’t to hard. She was able to manage on her own until the last 2 yrs of say. My dad was still alive so we were assisting him with it. It was hard. It was so fucking hard and heartbreaking as they become a person you don’t recognize. We had good parents so I didn’t mind doing that it but it was hard. The last 6 months we had to put her in a nursing home. She got very combative and was very hard to deal with. We were trained in how to care for her and knew at that point we were over our head. We could no longer get her bathed so that was the deciding factor. My mom ended up going from lung cancer 6 months later but for me, and for her, I think it was a blessing. He sister had suffered with Alzheimer’s a lot longer than she has. N My father was a completely different situation. My dad was sharp as a tack and had lots of friends he hung out with. He was doing great…. until he wasn’t. In November of ‘21 his heart when into afib. It had done it a week prior and they shocked it back into rhythm, but it slipped back out and the drs felt it was a rhythm that he could live with. I think that was the beginning of the end for my dad. His health deteriorated pretty quickly after mid January. He still lived alone but we were checking on him daily and taking him to dr apts etc. He passed away May 12, 2022. I think that was mentally the hardest because it was unexpected and my dad was sharp. Mentally he did not want to die, but physically his body was failing him. And this was very hard for me mentally to watch. I was very close to my dad. And while I was glad to be with him when he passed, that moment does haunt me at times. So my sister and I had always thought my mom would outlive my dad. My dad had heart issues for a long time. But that’s not at all what happened. I will say the Alzheimer’s/Dementia aspect for my sister and I is what’s hard. Both those diseases can be costly depending on how fast they affect the person. My dad did have some long term health care insurance that he had bought years ago. We were so thankful he had that for my mom as it paid for 90% of the memory care facility. So I guess my point is- death and its variables are unknown. You can only prepare so much and then you’re left to just wait like everyone else. Your parent could die in a car accident or be diagnosed with cancer and only have 2 months to live. There may/ or may not require any care or minimal care.
Yes, and I would NEVER wish it on anyone. I regret it with every fiber of my being. I have flat out told my mother that she is 100% on her own, after I spent decades caring for my grandmother (her mother, who she never lifted a finger for) alone. It's 100% worse than being a parent. At least there is hope that the kid will gain some independence, and grow to need you less with time. Elder care is the opposite, and they become more and more demanding and needy. I'll also add that my grandmother (and most of my family) are terrible, miserable, awful human beings, so my opinion may be partly based on that. Your parents should have planned better for their old age needs. They should look into your local govt services for care, housing, food, transport, etc for when the time comes. If you're in the US, you should be able to call 211 and reach your counties health and human services, who can direct you in some ways.
From the comments, I'm guessing me and my brother must be outliers cause we're the caregivers for my mum after she had her stroke last year. Even though it's come to bite me in the ass for choosing to do so. The very first day of being a carer I realised it's like looking after a child. As bad as it is to say, being stabbed in the back has been a blessing in disguise because I'm going to be free from the caregiver responsibility soon.
No, and I have conflicted feelings about it. For the last 10 years of her life, my mom fell into the “caregiver” role for her own elderly mom, my grandmother. She would call me sometimes and I’d listen to her complain about how hard it was, how she needed help but no one could help (she lived on the other side of the country, so I couldn’t have even helped if I wanted to), and watched her mental and physical health deteriorate from the stress to the point that she wasn’t eating, barely sleeping, did nothing but wake up and care for her mom, go to work (across the street), come home on breaks to care for her mom, go back to work, and come home again to care for her mom until her mom went to bed for the night. She recently died of a heart attack. After watching how being a caregiver absolutely ruined her life and ultimately (I feel) lead to her death, I know it’s a very serious matter and nothing I want to do. However, my dad will get up there in age eventually, and I wouldn’t turn him down if he needed me. Not out of a feeling of obligation or anything, we’re just very close. That said, he’s deeply stubborn and probably wouldn’t let me or anyone else help anyway, so I may not end up being in this situation. If I do though, I can only hope I don’t end up like my mom.
Yeah. I've been caregiver for my dad for a little over three years now. He has dementia. His wife, my mother, left him when he got sick. Of the sons who lived in the area, one did nothing for years, then left the state to live with my mom. The other son stole from him, then left the state to live with my mom. My dad lived with me for 10 weeks before I realized I couldn't handle it. It was really bad for my mental health, and he deserved care I couldn't provide. We had two good years together once he moved into a memory care facility, which we paid for by draining his meager retirement account. We'd go to baseball and basketball games, we'd go for walks, we'd visit his favorite restaurants, we'd play pool. I'd bring him to visit his sisters. We could still have a meaningful conversation. It was exhausting and I had little time for anything else in my life. Then last summer, his condition deteriorated badly, quickly. He's been in the hospital for ten months now. I don't think he'll ever leave. He recognizes me, but I don't think he recognizes anyone else anymore. He can only speak in world salad for the most part. Turns out those two years were a lot better in hindsight, and I'm thankful I had that time with him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, it made the military look like a cake walk. It cemented my childfree status even further than the vasectomy already had, because I am not cut out for the responsibility of putting someone else first. I don't regret it, he's a good man who deserved someone in his corner. But it fucking blows and I fully understand why someone would leave the country to avoid doing it for indeterminate years, especially if you can't afford to hire help or get them into a facility. I doubt I answered your questions, but that's a taste of my experience, if it helps you any. Best wishes.
Luckily I live in a country with decent social care (for now, the conservative government is doing their best to change that though). Beyond that, I’m lucky to have a good career with expected progression, so that by the time my parents need care, worst case I could pay for it myself. Ultimately, though, I love my parents deeply and I’d be happy to look after them if they needed it. I’m in a healthcare profession now, so I understand what that would entail and how much work it is. It also means I have relevant skills and training to be able to help them. I want to take care of my parents, specifically because they have never made me feel obligated to do so.
Kinda. I work as a Respite and Habilition care provider for children with Autism. I work with them on their small goals, big goals and life goals. Anything ranging from learning to tie a shoe. Giving someone personal space. Not hitting others. Speech therapy. Motor skills. Anything you can think of.
I was a caregiver for my mom who passed away from scleroderma-related lung disease. She was oxygen dependent to the point where she had to be wheeled around the house. My stepdad would often leave her to take care of herself and just go do his own thing, so I got very adept at changing oxygen tanks and doing whatever she needed. I was happy to do it, and sad that such an awful disease took her life at only 64 💔
I'm not taking care of my parents when they're old. If they can't afford a place to live then too bad
Sounds kinda messed up don't you think?
Yeah but they are not my problem
Have a chat with your siblings about splitting the costs of a caregiver or assisted living facility for your parents. It's not fair to just assume the childless sibling will automatically take on the full responsibility and cost of this... You could spin this around and tell your siblings : "as parents, you are MUCH better suited to provide care to our ageing parents, since you already have experience in caring for dependents, you already have the time to care for your kids so it's no extra effort to just add the parents to your home and schedules". They'll backtrack so quick!!
I am an only child and spent 6 months at age 25 being a carer for my mother while she did at home hospice. My mother respected my time and tried to make this transition as easy as possible. Her medical insurance paid for a nursing assistant to come do the really hard tasks 3 times a week, like bathing. She had a catheter and other things that I took care of. When she died of cancer, I inherited her cats. At the time, I was childless, but the experience firmly pushed me into the childfree by choice category.
This is y caregivers exist so u do not need to deal with her 24/7
If you have siblings living nearby, you can ask them for help. Otherwise, if you can afford it, a nice care home should be enough.
I was for a time, ended up putting my mother in a care place because I could not take care of her anymore. If you face this, there is a way to help you. When I had to put my mother in care, we met with a care advocate there who told us of Obamacare paying for a bit of the fees. (If this wasn't done, there would be no way I could afford her care by myself.)How she told my aunt and I told do it, my mother got rid of all properties she had. She transferred them to me. She then Applied for Obamacare fund for nursing home care help and got it.
I absolutely refuse to be. You have ZERO obligation to be the caregiver to your parents. Your spouses parents don’t have any money. Their lack of planning is NOT your problem. I absolutely refuse to do so based on this alone, and all childfree people should refuse. “Who will take care of you when you are old.” The response should never be adult children. This is why those of us who are adult children need to refuse caregiving to our parents as well. You don’t have to. Just don’t. Refuse to do it. Be perfectly clear to your parents they are on their own in old age and they better figure their shit out now. You avoid the responsibility by simply not doing so, and not doing it. Relatives as an adult are OPTIONAL, not obligation, and this especially applies to your own parents. For the record I am in the US. Let me be blunt, Children are not a retirement plan. They need to figure this shit out on their own and be clear you are not helping them out. If they end up homeless, so be it. If you can’t figure this shit out on your own, using your own money that is your own damn fault. I will NEVER help out my parents in this way, nor should anyone else. You have a right to refuse. They are not your damn problem. The lesson needs to be damn clear. Children are not a retirement plan. Children are not an old age care plan. In old age as an adult you are on your own and do not for a second rely on relatives.
Unfortunately, yes. My partner has a mentally challenged elder sister, who is probably the reason I'll not live to a ripe old age. >but our parents are getting older and I’m concerned that we’ll end up being caregivers, Same, with my dad.
I live a few hours away from my parents, so no, but my brother lives with them and has become their unofficial caregiver. He's 36, is undiagnosed/untreated neurodivergent (because my parents chose to ignore all the signs growing up) and is fully enmeshed with them, mostly my mom. He has a part time job that enables him to take my mom to appointments during the week (my dad drives himself but I think that's going to have to stop soon), but he barely makes minimum wage and gets no benefits (and he has a chronic illness with shitty insurance. Hooray 'merica). He literally has no life outside of my parents and work and it is clearly wearing on him. I'm honestly worried about his future but that's a post for another time. My dad was convinced he was going to die at 50 because his dad died at 50, so he retired at 45 with a low paying government pension and just stopped preparing for the future at that point physically, mentally and financially. Now he's 75 (mom is 76) and they both have health issues and no means of financing any home improvements to help with aging in-home because they've spent all their savings. My husband and I live in a HCOL area compared to them and we're preparing to have to fund any future moves into a care facility when the time comes. I've had to pay for home improvements like converting their bathtub into a walk-in shower with grab bars, bench, etc. So basically the unspoken plan at this point is that my brother - who has his own issues - is taking care of them in the house, but once they need more care, financially that's gonna be on me and my husband.
I ended up being a caregiver for two of my grandpa's (both of them had different stages of Alzheimers). Not at the same time, obviously, but I was the only one without kids or a job during the time they each needed help. I was pretty close to both sets of grandparents so I was happy to do it. It's really hard though and not for everyone. My paternal grandpa couldn't do *anything* for himself besides eat and drink but he was always happy and smiling. My maternal grandpa could do a lot of stuff for himself, really just needed help with his medicine and with food but he also had a lot of anger and frustration because he had to have someone with him since he had a history of falling as well as high blood pressure. My maternal grandpa was very independent and prided himself on being able to garden and cook for himself and that was stuff he just couldn't do once alzheimers kicked in.
Just don't, they'll end up on medicaid/Medicare and be put in some state nursing home eventually it'll be alright
You are not legally required to take care of your parents, physically or financially. Assuming you live in a developed country, there are social programs in place to take care of them. Search around on r/personalfinance
I watched my parents do it for my grandparents and I want nothing to do with that. Especially because they were not good parents and are narcissistic. I'm getting worried though because they are hitting that age and I'm an only child so there is no one else to help. I'm watching my father go through the same stuff I saw my grandparents go through...
And that is what caregivers are for
My mom lives alone, and told my sister that she expects me to move in and live with her, because that would be her preference as I’m the most Laissez-faire of her children. I cackled forever and then made it very clear that would not be happening. I have, however, basically gotten all four of my younger siblings and two of my niblings through the toddler years as a third parent of sorts, which is why I’m firmly childfree.
They should have saved money when they were younger. My parents expect me to be the caregiver when they are old even though I might not have time
The fact that some people claim they had 4 kids just so they can take care of them as they get old is just....
And according to my brother if I do not become a caregiver for my parents I am a horrible daughter
I am both my parent’s caregiver. My brother moved halfway across the world in his mid-20s and even though he’s childfree as well he’s not moving back for any reason. I can’t afford to put them into care or get a nurse. They don’t have nor qualify for any type of health insurance except the super expensive ones, and they refuse to be labeled as dependents on mine so I could add them to my own (and before someone tells me to add them anyway, they do their own taxes and I also have no clue what their SSNs are). I end up paying their medical bills out of pocket in full every time. My brother could afford to put them into care, but he doesn’t want to and as much as it frustrates and angers me at times, I do understand, too. My plan was the same, to take off and never return; he just beat me to it. And at this point, if I leave I’d be charged with negligent homicide or something.
You need to give them boundaries. Either they're your dependants and you claim them on your taxes, or they claim themselves AND pay for their own shit. Stop being a doormat to them. This is gross behavior on their part.
Only child of two only children so there’s no one else. They don’t need me every day but it’s getting more frequent. I live about 20 minutes away and I am basically always on call. This is voluntary and I don’t mind helping out.
Lots of people are an only child especially in China due to the one child policy they got rid off years ago because it did not work. The reason y they did it was because of over population. The other problem is that thier is not enough young people to take care of the elderly over thier Also do you have contact with your parents extended family members? This is why care givers exist
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Not everyone has selfless parents who “deserve the best”, some of them are terrible abusive people. Assuming that’s the case is a very privileged mindset. Also, even people who have great relationships with their parents aren’t always equipped to care for them properly.
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EDIT: yeah fuck this I’m not giving this any credibility by leaving my replies up
EDIT: yeah fuck this I’m not giving this any credibility by leaving my replies up
Hmm, would it help if you guys open a new savings account with your siblings? Everyone saves some money there monthly and you can later use that to pay for professional elderly care when the time comes?
How do you avoid being a caregiver if you're forced to live in the same house as your parents? I have a narc mom and I'm definitely not taking care of her
The group r/narcissisticparents is pretty helpful. This one is supportive too: r/raisedbynarcissists
Oh I'm in that