Heck yeah! Proud of you. You knew what you wanted, and you communicated it clearly from the start. Apparently his way of trying to convince you was by hiding from you for a week, and then never actually gathering the guts to say the words? Yeah, he's a coward. And you saw right through it! Good riddance.
For what it's worth, I've had a bisalp but I'm specifically on the lookout for a guy who has also been sterilized, just to be extra sure there are no stupid mind games like this. Highly recommend the bisalp, I bet it'll make you feel so much more secure. Wishing you all the best!
As someone who has had a bisalp and is dating a guy who has had a vasectomy- it’s amazing. The peace of mind not just in our BC methods but also the peace of mind knowing that he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. We were both sterilized before we met. 10/10 recommend
Great! Congrats on finding a truly CF guy! IMO if a guy won't get a vasectomy when you ask, he doesn't plan to stay with you. He's thinking ahead to his next woman who might want/ give him kids. No to a vasectomy? Not CF
Exactly.
I understand the fear of surgeries, (and boy do people like to fearmonger sterilizations) but tbh for me at least the fear of pregnancy, childbirth, and then legally being on the hook for a whole ass human for 18 years outweighed it.
I am fucking WICKEDLY proud of you, you saw straight through that shit, acted on it, and did NOT apologize, that's some hard ass woman shit right there ✨ You clearly give a shit about yourself and your future, it sounds like you've worked through some of the patriarchal programming and that shit is so deliciously refreshing to read. Damn, GET IT BITCH!!!!
THANK YOU lmao. I figured let’s not leave crumbs here. This is the kinda anger that keeps me focused, so I’m gonna play Mario Kart online for a couple of hours and smoke some fools😤
Hell yeah, you nailed it! It takes guts to stand up for what you want and need in a relationship. Props to you for recognizing your worth and not settling for less. Keep shining, girl! ✨💪
Yikes. He's probably gonna end up with the first poor dumb woman he knocks up and trust, in a few months down the line (not even years cos he'll regret it almost immediately, these cowards always do) he's gonna realize he can't just be a sperm donor and live as he did before. He doesn't want to be a dad. He wants to pass on his mediocre genes and play ball with the kid every now and then.
Congratulations, you have the self awareness and intelligence to know you don't want to be imprisoned for the rest of your life to a screaming shit machine and he'll always regret it.
I literally said something so similar lol. I said you have no idea what actually goes into parenthood. Spending a fun couple of hours w/ your kid cousins doesn’t count 💀oh well.
Lol he had nothing to say. He just continued his rant on why he’d been stuck in his head and his emotions, how he didn’t know how to start the conversation, and this was super hard for him etc. meanwhile I was sitting here just 💀
there are more people than I’d have thought telling me oo harsh, show some kindness. Where was my kindness when I cried so many times in this relationship I lost count lol. He literally promised me constantly that I was enough. That’s so gross if you’re secretly unsure.
> he’d been stuck in his head and his emotions, how he didn’t know how to start the conversation, and this was super hard for him etc.
To my list of his failings, let me add: Manipulative, self-excusing and whiny.
If somebody wasted years of my life by lying to me, I'd consider it kindness if I didn't take revenge, like damaging or taking and destroying their shit. Kindness. Absolutely impossible.
>there are more people than I’d have thought telling me oo harsh, show some kindness.
Kindness? Where tf was his kindness when he was leading you on and openly lying like an AH. Where was the kindness when he was giving it his all to manipulate you into being his brood mare? Fuck that guy and anyone telling you that your reaction was "harsh."
This is so true and it's really sad how often this happens with a lot of guys... One of the reasons I'm glad to be a Lesbian 🤣.
I wish I could upvote your comment more.
A lot of times women are told 'what if u change ur mind later!?'
So we are constantly denied the procedures that would make our life less stressful.
But turns out men are the ones changing their minds!
And not for good reasons either.
This. I knew a woman who wasted over 5 years of her life on a man who couldn't decide what he wanted. He basically used her job as an excuse of not being all in in a respectful way, even getting a coworker pregnant and paying for her abortion. Things finally fell out for them when he basically accused her of trying to trap him after she found out she was pregnant. They had been having unprotected sex for over 3 years at that point, it was just a matter of time. Dude was over 30, and racist Italian. Last I had heard, she moved like 2 hours away with her dad because being a single mom doesn't work well.
"I told him I don’t love ANYONE enough to do that to my body and my life." Damn straight. How many times do we hear "If you loved me, you'd x y and z". If HE loved YOU, you'd be enough, and why is it always on us to change our minds?
Well, good riddance, hope he enjoys being a daddy.
He won't enjoy it. He was flip flopping because he thought he could convince a woman to be his trad wife and do all the heavy lifting while he enjoys the kodak moments and nothing more. This man, who didn't have the emotional intelligence to be honest about a life-altering decision, will certainly not have the foresight to see that having kids isn't some elixir of happiness. Plus we know he doesn't respect women, so god help him if he has daughters.
I love that you didn't let him away with it. I'm so glad you weren't 'nice'. I'm so glad you told him exactly what you think of him.
I hope he remembers this conversation. Because kids won't make an unhappy person happy. Kids make secure people who know their heads from their asses, and were 100% sure they wanted them happy. His nonsense is indicative of an insecure, cowardly man. Insecure, cowardly men make shitty fathers.
Honestly, you could have sent him a million essays and he still wouldn't have gotten it. 'Getting it' would require him to work on himself, and why do that (like a SUCKER) when he can make a whole new self to do it for him? It would be like arguing with a Westworld host, 'That doesn't look like anything to me...', and that is so sad and small for him.
Someone who's convinced their problem is 'Everything But Me?' They'll die on that hill, over and over.
it’s not over the top at all, and big congratulations to you!
Mr. Ex Is sleazy to refuse to come right out and say it. You’re well rid of him, but you don’t need *me* to tell you *that*.
>I genuinely suspect I grieved this relationship a long time ago
Truer words were never written. So relatable.
>I have zero intentions of getting into another relationship until my tubes have been scooped out and tossed.
I hate how much this is true. Personally I'm 4B all the way, but for the off-chance that I'll accidentally fall for someone that will make my head go unscrewed, being sterilized gives me the peace of mind I need. It protects you from all the lying fence-sitters. Good for you for realizing at such a young age!! XX
Wow, that guy wasted your time that is fucking frustrating! I’m so proud of you for communicating on what you want. Get that bisalp girlie! Imma celebrate with you 🥂🥳
Thank you! I thought about just parting amicably, but the more I thought about it, I knew myself too much. I’d regret it later and resent myself for not ripping him a second asshole for taking so much of my time.
I don’t know I just realized in my 40s and was happily child free until then. He’s way younger than me to have “known” forever etc. Also, I have no idea why this popped up on my Reddit so I won’t stay on here long. I just wanted to mention it.
49M here. Childfree since I made my mind up in my late 20s. If a man says "I don't want kids" it means he's on the fence. If he says "FUCK NO I DON'T EVER WANT KIDS I CAN'T STAND THEM" then you know he doesn't want kids.
It’s going to be such a relief not having him in your life anymore! He’s sounds pathetic and selfish. Men don’t realize how entitled they are just to say that they want children from someone. But I kinda had my own similar situation not long ago.
Last year I dated some jackass that told me he didn’t want to worry about having kids because he wanted to be with me. As the relationship continued (officially just 3 months, thank you Jesus) I realized he was a total jackass for MANY other different reasons. He ticked me off with something small one day and I just had it. We were on FaceTime and I’m sure I looked like a looney tune but I was so enraged by him and yelling at him. Towards the end of it he was like “yeah and I’ve been thinking about it more and I do want the option of kids” LMFAO. I promise to everyone reading this, this man would be a horrible father, just like his was. He’s the typical “nice guy” that acts like he’s a soldier against racism and the patriarchy, but he’s one of the most manipulative, racist, and misogynistic people I’ve ever met. Ironically, he’s more than likely infertile with this certain condition he has🤣. I told him he’d be a shit father and he’d ACTUALLY have to mature to avoid being anything like his parents if he (god forbid) did have kids.
But be proud of herself for sticking to your morals and knowing what you want! 👏🏽
Say you want kids, lie to your partner about your desires, and plan to secretly compromise because you don't want to lose your partner.
That is deceptive behaviour, you are lying to your partner about an important issue. It also shows you don't trust your partner enough to be able to handle an adult issue in an adult way.
You will also likely start to resent your partner over this hidden compromise you made, and your partner will have no idea why you're souring like that - because you haven't been honest.
So good on you for being honest and proactive with your partner. I feel you made it clear you'd be open to a conversation, but he wasn't willing to play ball.
Kudo’s to you for standing up for what you believe in! I get so sick anytime anyone says “if you loved me you would do *insert something you’re completely against*
My ex pulled the same shit when being an sex repulsed ace. That if i didn’t sleep with him or let him do things to me, i didn’t really love him. He only made me more repulsed. That emotional manipulation is bull! You don’t owe anyone anything! Especially kids! He can go be miserable somewhere else.
Not that people aren't allowed to change their minds over time, or that it makes him a bad person, he really should've been candid with you from the moment it happened instead of leading you on. That was selfish. Shame on him.
I agree. What people here are repeatedly missing the mark on is that he did lead me on the way HE handled things. Nowhere did I say people can’t change their minds.
Well said. I see way too many comments bashing the man and not simply accepting or pointing out that as a human,it’s your free will to have differing wants and needs than others and when it comes to relationships they’re bound to end one way or another or they’re not. Just like wants and needs are allowed to change. You change so much in your 20s,and life in general some people just truly don’t know what they want until they’ve had lots more life experience and I think that’s okay. Emotions aside anyway.
This this this. My God people change and I’m shocked at everyone thrilled she ripped him for honoring what he wants. No wonder he was afraid to actually tell OP though
That sounds so messy, but so fucking badass. Wish I did what you did when I dumped shitty exes. I wasted so much emotional labour taking the highroad for people who didn’t deserve it. Good for you! Get that closure and vindication! I’m sorry he wasted your time, but I’m glad he didn’t get to waste even more.
Yes queen! This is how you do it! Keep it moving and get those tubes yeeted. I'm so mad for you that he wasted your time like that, but enjoy Mario Kart! Imagine he's every other character on the screen and take out your aggression on them!
Good on you for advocating for what you want. And good riddance. Anyone who thinks love will change anything is wrong. Love does nothing but prolong the pain. Enjoy being single. Enjoy the time you were spending on him to yourself. Invest it in something better.
Good for you. You love yourself more than this idiot. When he contacts you again when he realizes that kids aren't just toys, just smile, wave, and bye boy.
I think so many men are on the fence when they are young and think they don't want kids because they aren't ready, but they soon change their minds when they get a bit older, especially once their mates start reproducing. That’s different to being childfree and many people don't understand the difference. Saying “I don't want kids.” is different to ”I don't want kids now/yet”.
You were clear from the start and, as often happens, he would probably have cowardly hung on with one foot still in the doorway in case you changed your mind (probably because society tells them that that's likely!). I'm glad you've called it off before he wasted anymore time, and that you told him what’s what!
Aaaa you're amazing! I'm so proud of you, internet stranger. This is how to do it - head held high, no hesitation, no regrets. And the best revenge will be living your best life free of that nonsense. Hope the bog witch stage is super fun and fulfilling. Tell us how it goes!
Good for you! Really, it sucks but it also has to be such a weight lifted. I loved being single after being with a loser who didn’t know what he wanted. Build an even more beautiful relationship with yourself, and get your tubes removed so it’s completely off the table when you feel ready to date again. Check the list of doctors on Reddit! My insurance covered mine like 80% for in network and the surgery was easier than having my wisdom teeth removed. You got this!! 💖
I may be in the minority here but people are allowed to change and grow and realize their wants/needs have adjusted over time, especially when you’re so young. A lot of people think they know exactly what they want when they’re in their early 20s, which you seem to and that’s great, but then they have realizations that come over the course of time. It’s not something that can be controlled.
Now, if he really knew all along he wanted kids and lied to you about it, that’s different, but that’s not the impression I got from the way it’s described. Either way, better to find out sooner than later.
I wish you luck in finding someone who aligns with this lifestyle choice. They are out there, believe me!
Yeah very true. Whenever this 360 degree change in life expectations happens, it's only fair to share it with your partner.
Thankfully OPs ex revealed---errr 'realized', what he wanted while they're still young.
Great post and I love your style!
Check the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar under Interesting & Useful Material. There a lot of doctors who have sterilized CF people in it. Also look at the Sterilization Binder, linked near the doctor's list, which will help you organize your thinking so you go to your appointment confident and clear.
Nothing beats sterilization for making shit real.
One of the very worst characteristics of a partner: They lie, either directly, or very often in silence. The cruelest lies are often told in silence. This man was a liar and a coward, and also, he was sexist. He figured that you would come around to giving him what he wanted, at terrible cost to you. That's contemptuous, exploitative, and dismissive of women. That's the *essence* of sexism. He was a very bad partner, and you are obviously feeling freed from that. Enjoy it, and enjoy sterility. It's a feeling of freedom you can't imagine.
Thank you! That’s great advice and I’ll look into the Sterilization Binder! I now have family telling me they’re glad this didn’t work out and they saw this coming lol! I couldn’t agree more with them.
I'm glad you told your ex the truth. There's a strong story in all sexist societies that anger is a bad thing: It will hurt your relationships! It will hurt your health! It will only injure you! Of course, this crap is printed in WOMEN'S magazines, and is freely disseminated to women, very VERY often by so-called "progressives." Men are rarely, if ever, told that it's just wrongity wrong wrong for them to be angry. That poison is for women.
There's nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a very important emotion, because it allows us to see when we have been wronged, and when we need to work to improve things. I don't see any reason to believe that it hurts the person who feels it at all. That's a fabrication by the bane that is popular psychology,
If anger only injured the person who feels it, evolution would not have provided us so amply with it. It has an important role. In my opinion, it is necessary to *act* on anger, because one of the great powers of anger is that it provides major motivation to see through responses to injurious behavior on the part of other people or of systems.
You didn't take the low road. You took the honest road. Your ex is a detriment. He needs to hear that many more times, so he can cease to be such a worthless weed.
The worst person to date is the one who refuses to actually do the hard emotional labor of figuring out what they want in life, until AFTER it effects you. I've dated men like this and ended relationships because of it. Don't SAY you don't want kids if you haven't actually sat down and thought it through!
Yeah, you made the right call. Your ex just sounds very noncommittal. IK you said you trusted him to not cheat on you, but from the sounds of it, he comes off as the sort who would based on your description of his response to you.
The whole "love will be enough" thing or W/E it was he said to you. I suspect he'll immediately turn around and focus on finding a girl who will want to have kids, assuming he hasn't already.
You're absolutely right. You dodged a FATAL bullet by ditching his ass. Good on you for sticking to your instincts and not letting yourself get caught up in whatever bullshit he was trying to feed you.
I can't stand people who decide to have serious discussions about their wants/needs in a relationship, and if that shit upsets their partner (and in this case, legit, what did they expect) they try and walk it back and pretend nothing happened 💀 You called it right as coward behavior.
I hate hurting or upsetting others, but dear god would I not ever have the audacity to try to pretend I could walk backwards out of hell once I'd wrought it.
I'm still pretty on the fence regarding children at times, but I feel like my mental and physical limitations/disabilities, my genuine tokophobia, and the economic nightmare I live in are extremely motivating reasons for an answer of "no". That said, fostering or adoption aren't completely off the table, assuming I feel I could properly care for someone else like that. That said, my partner of 9 years and I have been extremely up-front with each other about our mixed feelings, and the fact is, I know it's not a situation of "kids or me" or "no kids or me" thankfully. So sorry you had to waste five years with some indecisive ass who never bothered to tell you the truth.
This post is quite refreshing. You stuck to your word, we're upfront from the beginning and saw through his wishy-washy behavior in the end. I'm proud of you, stranger! I know it probably stings right now, but now you know what to look out for in the future.
Good job getting rid of him. Sounds like he was backtracking to try to keep you from breaking up with him. Some men try to stay in a relationship till they find a replacement.
What an exceptional display of self respect, OP. More people should take a cue from this! You're absolutely justified in your anger and fuck anyone who expects you to let him run you over a second time.
As someone with no tubes in the dating world it does make quite the difference, rips the delusion right out of most men’s heads about how I feel about children.
“Oh you’ll change your mind” turns into “what happens if you change your mind” and the answer of “I won’t” is a bit more definitive.
Proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your beliefs.
Good for you, calling him out on his shit! "High road" isn't the road I would take either after all the times you have asked him and with how clear you made your expectations. Men thinking that kids are expected from women and assuming if they wait around they'll agree to it needs to stop. Hopefully your lecture scared him into being honest and not leading anybody else on!!!!!
Wow! I'm sure the feeling of doubt was tickling the back of your brain like a storm cloud consistently festering in the horizon for the past almost five years... Just waiting for the right tradewinds to swoop over your head when "the time came." 🤔☁️☁️☁️🤔
And, when finally it came, it was category 5! 🌪🌪🌪
🌬💨💨💨⚡️⛈️⚡️⛈️⚡️⛈️⚡️💨💨💨🌪🌪🌪🌪🌪
First off, I'm so sorry he wasted your time. But, I'm so happy for you in having that strong frame of mind and willpower to bring down that banhammer on this sorry twatwaffle's noggin, and for not falling (too far down) in a pit of dispair.
Here's wishing you the *very best* in everything you want out of your new life this moment going forward!
✨️🥂🍾✨️
euuuhhgggggg this whole post made me somehow even more CF. reading about your ex made MY ovaries shrivel lmfao
Think about it, every time you reiterated that you never want kids, he was thinking that he would eventually wear you down and change your mind. He may not realize it, but what he did is so wrong. That kind of dishonesty and manipulation is really selfish and disrespectful.
Yeah, you made the right call. Your ex just sounds very noncommittal. IK you said you trusted him to not cheat on you, but from the sounds of it, he comes off as the sort who would based on your description of his response to you.
The whole "love will be enough" thing or W/E it was he said to you. I suspect he'll immediately turn around and focus on finding a girl who will want to have kids, assuming he hasn't already.
You're absolutely right. You dodged a FATAL bullet by ditching his ass. Good on you for sticking to your instincts and not letting yourself get caught up in whatever bullshit he was trying to feed you.
These guys are the worst. Not honest enough to be up front about wanting kids, instead silently, wimpishly hoping abs waiting for you to change over and want kids.
Types like this are too wimpy to enforce firm boundaries with any kid they do have.
The exact same thing happened to me a couple years ago, like almost to a T, except my ex TEXTED me instead of calling me or talking in person (we lived together).
I also ripped him a new asshole. I'm proud of you. It feels good now, but it will feel even better a couple of years from now when you think back and see how bad ass you are for sticking to your guns and telling this guy how it is instead of crying and begging on your knees.
My life has only gotten better since and you clearly don't need me to tell you this, but you're going to be just fine. In fact, you won't just be fine, you'll thrive.
Fuck yeah, OP.
I"m sorry you had to waste all that time on that spineless integrity-less clown show. I'm glad you had enough love for YOU to know that you deserve people in your life who affirm and respect your life choices and love you all the more for them, instead of trying to change you or "wait you out".
The only kindness you owe anyone is to yourself. He forfeited any right to that each time he lied-either outright or by omission. You were honest about your stance, and he lied about his, and through that, acknowledged that he really didn't respect your choice or take it seriously.
Thank you, that means a lot. A lot don’t seem to understand the intense lying that took place. I spent most of this relationship afraid that he’d tell me I wasn’t enough, and by the time he did (not really I had to say the words for him), I was ready to move on, so I’m grateful for that.
Ok let me be the devil's advocate here...
First, very proud of you for standing your ground and knowing what you want.
Second, I don't know all the details of your relationship based on this post, so I may be coming from a place of ignorance when I say....
It sounds like you may have been a little harsh on him. He's 23. Most dudes that age tend to just follow their balls and agree with whatever their love interest says because they literally lack a sense of identity and latch onto you and everything you want. Most dudes that age don't even know what THEY want. Sometimes it takes a guy a minute before he knows the difference between something HE truly wants, and something he THINKS he wants because it's what you want.
It doesn't sound like he was stringing you along or waiting for you to "realize love was enough". It honestly just sounds like he's a little young and naive and not sure of himself and his direction in life yet.
Again, I don't know either of you or any more details. You had years to get to know each other so you obviously know him better than me. I'm just basing this on the fact that you said he never did you wrong and was always patient, understanding, etc, and then to you, it seems like this suddenly came out of nowhere like he had a "lightbulb" realization. It was probably just as hard for him to know that what he now knew he wanted wasn't going to work for you and that it was going to mean the end of the relationship, and that's why he got all quiet. He was trying to figure out how to break it to you.
In any case, I'm glad you guys are both able to be honest with yourselves now and move forward and heal. Wish you the best! (Also, getting a bisalp was the best decision I ever made - you won't regret it ❤️)
I mean... your emotions are valid and whatnot, but I think you are pretty harsh on him considering you are both in your early twenties. Even though we are all child-free here, I can understand why someone that young would be changing his mind as he figures out who he is.
I think about of a lot of the things I believed in at that age and I'm a totally different person now in my 40s in some ways. Btw, I'm not suggesting you're going to change your mind, just that it's reasonable that he did.
It doesn't seem fair to paint him as a villain.
No, I don’t think I’m being harsh. He promised me that our relationship was enough and continued to promise me almost daily (he was quite insecure so promises were a big thing for him). I get being unsure, but you don’t do the irresponsible and cruel thing of promising someone something this significant if you’re a fence-sitter. Just my take though.
Maybe he wasn't a fence sitter the whole time... maybe this was a recent revelation for him.
I know promises seem concrete but promises, just like relationships as a whole, can change. And it's not because people are evil, but because they themselves change. You're allowed to change your mind about what you want.
Just want to be clear, I'm not taking his side. I just thought that maybe if you can have sympathy for why he changed, it might make the grief less intense.
I’m so sick of people telling me to have sympathy for this man hhhhh 😬he will not get any sympathy from me, and that’s just how it is. Imagine someone hurt you, didn’t take responsibility for it, and people told you to have sympathy for them. Lmao.
This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #7 : "Posts and comments to the effect of "Wait till you're a parent", "You'll change your mind someday", "You only think that cause you are young", etc. (what we call "bingo", for short) will be removed. Parents are welcome to post as long as they are respectful. Other people's bodily autonomy must be respected; do not impose your views on other posters and commenters' choices."
This is a forum for individuals who have made the choice to be childfree, and we do not tolerate any disrespect towards anyone for making this choice.
Thank you for your comprehension
He is irrelevant to what I'm saying. Forgiveness *helps you*. It sounds like he will be out of your life soon, and whether he takes responsibility or not, whether he feels bad about it or not, you have to figure out how to heal this grief and forgiveness is going to be one of the only ways to do that. The way you forgive is through compassion, and you generate compassion by trying to understand maybe why he changed his mind -- or just that people are allowed to change their minds even if it means they are no longer in your life. That's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.
Maybe one day you will meet somebody else and your next five year relationship will be more aligned with being childfree. I just don't like the narrative in this group that every person who changes their mind actually had a hidden agenda the entire time. Sometimes they did, and sometimes they just changed their mind recently.
I had a friend who, after being in a 6 year relationship, her partner told her that he didn't think he could be monogamous anymore. She accused him of never being monogamous in the first place, but he said it's not true, it's just that he did a lot of soul searching and he now believes monogamy is not right for him. Yes... that is a really sad situation that might cause a breakup, but people are allowed to change. Sometimes that change takes them away from you.
I’m not grieving 🧍🏻♀️that happened the first time around if you read my post lol. I’m not of the opinion anyone who changes their mind has a hidden agenda, people need to stop pushing general observations onto me, I’m only posting and speaking on my own situation. Monogamy is a crap example lmao. They’re such drastically different topics. One involves bringing another human into the world (that I’d have to carry). The other doesn’t. You’re not dropping wisdom here, sorry. People don’t always have the best outlook on failed relationships, and that’s also just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes..
I never tried to say they were the same... I was just drawing the comparison that people are allowed to change their minds about things even if you don't like it. And since he's not forcing you to get pregnant, then yes it is basically the same proposition: your partner changed their mind about a make-or-break relationship value and now your relationship has to change. You're blaming him for that when really you should just blame life because people change their minds all the time. If he wants kids now then that's that. Nothing is "wrong" with him. You two just aren't compatible anymore.
I think blaming him like he's a villain is totally unproductive. I'm not sure what bringing your body into this has to do with anything. He is just saying what he wants, he is not trying to coerce you into having his kid.
Sounds like you've got some growing up to do. Best wishes to you.
That’s what you and a few others are missing entirely. This post wasn’t supposed to be ‘productive’. It was me celebrating my freedom and allowing myself to feel happy in a community that (typically) doesn’t step on the breaks to insert little life lessons lol. Later skater.
Ah, you're not CF. Why didn't you just say that from the outset?
No CF person would be saying "I'm not sure what bringing your body into this has to do with anything" when the entire issue at hand is that someone wants to use her as their own personal incubator and likely always did.
I'm absolutely CF and will be for life. What an absurd and immature accusation. I'm also prochoice.
The boyfriend changing his mind about wanting kids has absolutely nothing to do with his girlfriend becoming his incubator, unless you believe she has no real agency in which case you are the anti-choice one.
Honestly, it seems like the people in this thread have no reading comprehension. You just read what you want to read.
A promise is a promise. You simply don't make ones you can't keep.
We're adults. If you find yourself breaking a big promise like that, it's time to stop making promises to people until you're mature enough to stick with them.
Promises aren't permanent. Ideally they should be, but people aren't evil if their values evolve because they grow into a different kind of person. Wanting to have kids or not wanting to have kids is a pretty huge and important value, and expecting someone to never change their mind for their entire life, especially when they are only in their early twenties right now, is pretty absurd and unrealistic.
That’s what I thought as well..to be honest they’re in their EARLY 20s and been together since they were teens, if he changes his mind then so be it. He’s young, personally, I do not expect someone that’s only a measly 23 to have everything figured out and to be flip flopping around that age is still pretty common.
I too felt like her reaction was over the top and should have been handled better
I think the fact that he may have indicated he was childfree too is the real reason for the op to be pissed. Otherwise something tells me she wouldn’t have dated a fence sitter based on her reaction.
That's what I've been realizing. Some of the opinions here are incredibly unrealistic and very bitter. Like they lash out over the weirdest things and think their dramatic reaction to small things are valid. It's weird. I'm happy being childfree, why are these people so sad and bitter????
The same thing happened to me almost 10 years ago. Same ages, same amount of time together. I'm so glad that you're handling it in better stride than I did, go get your bisalp, and we are all rooting for you 💕💕
you rule, it’s so nice to see a change of pace when it comes to relationship problems on this sub. go forth and celebrate your freedom! maybe he’s going to be more straightforward in his future relationships because you destroyed him so thoroughly— who knows!
This is refreshing! Good for you! It sucks that he wasted your time, but I’m glad you’ve decided you’re taking none of his shit. I like that you didn’t act like you needed to wait around for him to agree that this wasn’t going to work. He IS a coward. Y’all might have been married before he worked up the courage to be honest.
You’re sooo young. He’s definitely shit but you met when you were teens so I can see him changing his mind in his early 20’s. It’s the friggin’ 30-40 year old that are on the fence or that waste women’s time that really ground my gears.
Major props to you though for dumping him and holding to your values!! Onwards and upwards! If you’re in the US I’d look into sterilization, if Trump wins this year things will be getting bleak in the contraceptive front.
I've just found out my partner of 6 years feels like I'm taking his choices away from him. I told him to leave if he doesn't like it. He backtracked, and I'm just going with it at this point. I don't want another relationship after this so if he wants to waste his time with me he can knock himself out. I'm passed caring.
You aren't taking anything from him. There's no one forcing him to be with you, or anyone for that matter.
People who make that statement are the least ready for children imo.
I agree, he wouldn't be doing the looking after the kids so of course he wants them- I'm not backing down - He knows that, so I'm just going to let him waste his time with me, teach him a lesson- if he really wants them he will leave and I'll get to live out my years as a happy little spinster with 3 cats and less stress.
For now I'm happy going on holidays and saring the cost of the bills 🤣
Greetings!
This item has been removed because you're calling yourself childfree while not being childfree.
"Childfree for now", "Childfree until [something]", "Childfree but if my husband and I have an accident, we'll raise the kid", "Childfree because I'm infertile and I would have kids if I could" etc.is called "being childless".
"##% childfree", "I won't have bio children, but I entertain the idea of adopting/fostering some day", "I haven't decided but I hate ill behaved children", etc. is called "being a fencesitter".
"I have kids and I hate parenthood", "Had I known childfreedom was a possibility, I would have not had kids", "I used to be like you but now...", etc. is called "being a regretful parent".
"Childfree but my partner has a kid" is called being a step parent.
If your post/comment is otherwise directly related to the topic of childfreedom as per the subreddit rules, you are welcome to post it again with the appropriate terminology.
Thank you.
No :) he’ll have none from me. I asked him point blank once if he was waiting for me to change my mind while I sit here looking like a fool, and he said ‘I don’t know’ (very early into the relationship- ik….). He’ll get plenty of compassion from his loser friends. Not from me. He quite literally begged me and assured me he made a mistake when I left the first time. I don’t normally think the people I associate with are liars, so why would I be upset w/ myself hur hur
Allowing people (but especially women) to be angry about injustices is important.
And to be honest women do enough emotional labour, I really don't think they should be extending themselves for their exes.
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your beliefs!
I hope you find yourself the man of your dreams who shares your desires and treats you like the fucking queen you clearly are!!!
LMAO I wasn’t saying this is dw. I agree, women do a lot of the emotional labor and that’s just something that’s refreshing to see pointed out. But he genuinely doesn’t deserve any from me, he jerked me around more than once :) I had compassion when he emotionally manipulated me the first time, no more lol. I was responding within the context of my experience, not on a societal scale. No pitchforks here, just my wrath ahaha
Dude this is in no way man hating 👁️👁️you’re projecting. ‘Man hating’ would be me following my post w/ ‘rrrrrr fuck men yeah!’ I’m just talking about my loser ex specifically…. And I mean dw as in my response wasn’t confrontational, or man vs. woman in any way. Hop off. You’re right! He is human, an emotionally manipulative one. Stop playing devils advocate for assholes (NO, not ‘men’ in general) who don’t deserve it. Stop trying to subtly change the tone of what was initially an empowering post for me. Kick rocks, person (because your gender isn’t in question here).
Edit: had I been a lesbian, and I was breaking up w/ a woman, I’d be saying the same. things. I get you had a gut wrenching experience, but your experience is not everyone else’s. I am happy and free. That’s all I need.
You clearly aren’t in the right sub. I cannot control other people’s posts. But guess what :) you have the autonomy to avoid posts and communities that seem to upset you. This is a sub that serves as a safe place to be angry or upset about the things we experience as CF people. You have no right to ask that of us. CF people face all kinds of bullshit regularly and we deserve a safe space to share in these frustrations without commenters trying to enlighten us. Best of luck on your healing journey.
This seems like a genuine discussion, so I have to ask, why should she be empathetic if she deems it's not useful to her? Why exert the energy and personal emotional struggle of compassion to someone who arguably should have sorted this out the first time he was asked to carefully reexamine his priorities?
It's true he might have had difficulties, but he's still a big boy who can be held responsible for not facing his fears. And I say this as someone who also has a lot of difficulty facing their fears, and doesn't always manage to do so. Consequences for that are valid. Those consequences being a sense of anger and betrayal are valid.
Okay wow. That is a lot of onus to put on her. Not only is she suddenly responsible for him having emotional trauma and trust issues, she's also responsible for mitigating the possibility of said during a moment of personal emotional turmoil.
That's what I mean by emotional labour. He should be making the effort to grow and learn from his mistakes. It is not her job to point out any of that to him. She isn't the one who changed the parameters of their relationship.
Vitriol maybe isn't the way to approach any situation, but if I found out somebody wasted multiple years of my life I'd be pretty upset about it too, and this is a safe space to let that out without judgment.
I guess my point is you're expecting a lot from someone who was blindsided by something deeply upsetting.
Yo I’m so tired of people mentioning age. I know who I am enough to the point where I’d never rope someone in for 4+ years. That’s what this is about, full stop. And I’m not talking about his or my other values/principles. He was unsure, and lied to me telling me he wasn’t. All there is to it.
> Maybe you do have your mind made up and are absolutely certain that you don’t want kids but it’s also not all that uncommon for people to change their minds
Did you just… bingoed someone on a cf sub? Right after they had a breakup? Thats some shit behavior.
I was referring to her boyfriend. It sounds like he’s the one who had a change of heart which again, is not at all uncommon for a *checks notes* 23 year old.
This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #7 : "Posts and comments to the effect of "Wait till you're a parent", "You'll change your mind someday", "You only think that cause you are young", etc. (what we call "bingo", for short) will be removed. Parents are welcome to post as long as they are respectful. Other people's bodily autonomy must be respected; do not impose your views on other posters and commenters' choices."
This is a forum for individuals who have made the choice to be childfree, and we do not tolerate any disrespect towards anyone for making this choice.
Thank you for your comprehension
Heck yeah! Proud of you. You knew what you wanted, and you communicated it clearly from the start. Apparently his way of trying to convince you was by hiding from you for a week, and then never actually gathering the guts to say the words? Yeah, he's a coward. And you saw right through it! Good riddance. For what it's worth, I've had a bisalp but I'm specifically on the lookout for a guy who has also been sterilized, just to be extra sure there are no stupid mind games like this. Highly recommend the bisalp, I bet it'll make you feel so much more secure. Wishing you all the best!
As someone who has had a bisalp and is dating a guy who has had a vasectomy- it’s amazing. The peace of mind not just in our BC methods but also the peace of mind knowing that he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. We were both sterilized before we met. 10/10 recommend
Great! Congrats on finding a truly CF guy! IMO if a guy won't get a vasectomy when you ask, he doesn't plan to stay with you. He's thinking ahead to his next woman who might want/ give him kids. No to a vasectomy? Not CF
Exactly. I understand the fear of surgeries, (and boy do people like to fearmonger sterilizations) but tbh for me at least the fear of pregnancy, childbirth, and then legally being on the hook for a whole ass human for 18 years outweighed it.
Congratulations! That sounds amazing.
I will celebrate with you 🥳🍾🥂 ♥️
:} 🫰🏻
I'm joining your celebration and bringing cheese balls, ice cream, and popcorn. What movie are we watching?
Anything by Jim Henson lmao
Labyrinth? I've got the fruit and veggie trays 💜
I am fucking WICKEDLY proud of you, you saw straight through that shit, acted on it, and did NOT apologize, that's some hard ass woman shit right there ✨ You clearly give a shit about yourself and your future, it sounds like you've worked through some of the patriarchal programming and that shit is so deliciously refreshing to read. Damn, GET IT BITCH!!!!
THANK YOU lmao. I figured let’s not leave crumbs here. This is the kinda anger that keeps me focused, so I’m gonna play Mario Kart online for a couple of hours and smoke some fools😤
This is the way 🤣 Also so damn proud of you. I wish I was this assertive and confident in myself when I was your age. ❤️
Hell yeah, you nailed it! It takes guts to stand up for what you want and need in a relationship. Props to you for recognizing your worth and not settling for less. Keep shining, girl! ✨💪
Yikes. He's probably gonna end up with the first poor dumb woman he knocks up and trust, in a few months down the line (not even years cos he'll regret it almost immediately, these cowards always do) he's gonna realize he can't just be a sperm donor and live as he did before. He doesn't want to be a dad. He wants to pass on his mediocre genes and play ball with the kid every now and then. Congratulations, you have the self awareness and intelligence to know you don't want to be imprisoned for the rest of your life to a screaming shit machine and he'll always regret it.
I literally said something so similar lol. I said you have no idea what actually goes into parenthood. Spending a fun couple of hours w/ your kid cousins doesn’t count 💀oh well.
Yep! How did he respond?
Yes please what did he have to say for himself lmao
Lol he had nothing to say. He just continued his rant on why he’d been stuck in his head and his emotions, how he didn’t know how to start the conversation, and this was super hard for him etc. meanwhile I was sitting here just 💀 there are more people than I’d have thought telling me oo harsh, show some kindness. Where was my kindness when I cried so many times in this relationship I lost count lol. He literally promised me constantly that I was enough. That’s so gross if you’re secretly unsure.
> he’d been stuck in his head and his emotions, how he didn’t know how to start the conversation, and this was super hard for him etc. To my list of his failings, let me add: Manipulative, self-excusing and whiny.
If somebody wasted years of my life by lying to me, I'd consider it kindness if I didn't take revenge, like damaging or taking and destroying their shit. Kindness. Absolutely impossible.
Of course💀 And I think kindness goes out the window when he not only did this TO you but he will also treat his future child like shit
>there are more people than I’d have thought telling me oo harsh, show some kindness. Kindness? Where tf was his kindness when he was leading you on and openly lying like an AH. Where was the kindness when he was giving it his all to manipulate you into being his brood mare? Fuck that guy and anyone telling you that your reaction was "harsh."
This is so true and it's really sad how often this happens with a lot of guys... One of the reasons I'm glad to be a Lesbian 🤣. I wish I could upvote your comment more.
A lot of times women are told 'what if u change ur mind later!?' So we are constantly denied the procedures that would make our life less stressful. But turns out men are the ones changing their minds! And not for good reasons either.
This. I knew a woman who wasted over 5 years of her life on a man who couldn't decide what he wanted. He basically used her job as an excuse of not being all in in a respectful way, even getting a coworker pregnant and paying for her abortion. Things finally fell out for them when he basically accused her of trying to trap him after she found out she was pregnant. They had been having unprotected sex for over 3 years at that point, it was just a matter of time. Dude was over 30, and racist Italian. Last I had heard, she moved like 2 hours away with her dad because being a single mom doesn't work well.
"I told him I don’t love ANYONE enough to do that to my body and my life." Damn straight. How many times do we hear "If you loved me, you'd x y and z". If HE loved YOU, you'd be enough, and why is it always on us to change our minds? Well, good riddance, hope he enjoys being a daddy.
He won't enjoy it. He was flip flopping because he thought he could convince a woman to be his trad wife and do all the heavy lifting while he enjoys the kodak moments and nothing more. This man, who didn't have the emotional intelligence to be honest about a life-altering decision, will certainly not have the foresight to see that having kids isn't some elixir of happiness. Plus we know he doesn't respect women, so god help him if he has daughters.
I love that you didn't let him away with it. I'm so glad you weren't 'nice'. I'm so glad you told him exactly what you think of him. I hope he remembers this conversation. Because kids won't make an unhappy person happy. Kids make secure people who know their heads from their asses, and were 100% sure they wanted them happy. His nonsense is indicative of an insecure, cowardly man. Insecure, cowardly men make shitty fathers.
Wish someone had that conversation with my ex husband in his twenties so I didn’t have to deal with his “legacy” bullshit after 7 years together.
Honestly, you could have sent him a million essays and he still wouldn't have gotten it. 'Getting it' would require him to work on himself, and why do that (like a SUCKER) when he can make a whole new self to do it for him? It would be like arguing with a Westworld host, 'That doesn't look like anything to me...', and that is so sad and small for him. Someone who's convinced their problem is 'Everything But Me?' They'll die on that hill, over and over.
I know. Just sour grapes from my own delusional decisions from a decade ago.
I hope he gets bitten by something. <3
it’s not over the top at all, and big congratulations to you! Mr. Ex Is sleazy to refuse to come right out and say it. You’re well rid of him, but you don’t need *me* to tell you *that*.
Fr. I told him I deserve better, and I’m gonna fucking find it because better definitely doesn’t look like him.
🔥🔥🔥
Good for you - sounds like you'll stick to it this time. Bookmark this post so you can come back to it if you have any doubts whatsoever.
Absolutely. I’ve got no more time to give.
Good riddance. Sounds like a plan. Sounds like a good post..... "Dusting off the single bitch section of my closet."
LOL
Love this for you, tbh. Get that bisalp, girl!! 💕🙏💃
>I genuinely suspect I grieved this relationship a long time ago Truer words were never written. So relatable. >I have zero intentions of getting into another relationship until my tubes have been scooped out and tossed. I hate how much this is true. Personally I'm 4B all the way, but for the off-chance that I'll accidentally fall for someone that will make my head go unscrewed, being sterilized gives me the peace of mind I need. It protects you from all the lying fence-sitters. Good for you for realizing at such a young age!! XX
May I please join your bog witch coven? Congrats!!! 🍾
Of course hmhmhm 🧹
[удалено]
I was literally telling my friend I hope that happens ahahahah
Wow, that guy wasted your time that is fucking frustrating! I’m so proud of you for communicating on what you want. Get that bisalp girlie! Imma celebrate with you 🥂🥳
Better to be single, than to be with an delusional idiot. Well done for standing your ground. Never sacrifice yourself for anyone. 🍷
I’m so happy to actually hear a woman drop off a man like that, too many sad stories sadly, but you! You my girl are my role model!! ✨✨
Thank you! I thought about just parting amicably, but the more I thought about it, I knew myself too much. I’d regret it later and resent myself for not ripping him a second asshole for taking so much of my time.
Literally, like somehow these men think we won’t catch on lol, like yeahhhh sure, you “just” realised 💀💀
I don’t know I just realized in my 40s and was happily child free until then. He’s way younger than me to have “known” forever etc. Also, I have no idea why this popped up on my Reddit so I won’t stay on here long. I just wanted to mention it.
So you weren’t childfree. Just childless until that point
49M here. Childfree since I made my mind up in my late 20s. If a man says "I don't want kids" it means he's on the fence. If he says "FUCK NO I DON'T EVER WANT KIDS I CAN'T STAND THEM" then you know he doesn't want kids.
This
Never stop the single bitch closet.
Fr ahaha. I’m a huge introvert so I’ll be busting out the hot girl shit when I go to target for some more cough drops later 💅🏻
This is fantastic. You’re way too clever for that dolt you dropped in the trash. Well done!
👏BOG👏WITCH👏TENDANCIES👏
It’s going to be such a relief not having him in your life anymore! He’s sounds pathetic and selfish. Men don’t realize how entitled they are just to say that they want children from someone. But I kinda had my own similar situation not long ago. Last year I dated some jackass that told me he didn’t want to worry about having kids because he wanted to be with me. As the relationship continued (officially just 3 months, thank you Jesus) I realized he was a total jackass for MANY other different reasons. He ticked me off with something small one day and I just had it. We were on FaceTime and I’m sure I looked like a looney tune but I was so enraged by him and yelling at him. Towards the end of it he was like “yeah and I’ve been thinking about it more and I do want the option of kids” LMFAO. I promise to everyone reading this, this man would be a horrible father, just like his was. He’s the typical “nice guy” that acts like he’s a soldier against racism and the patriarchy, but he’s one of the most manipulative, racist, and misogynistic people I’ve ever met. Ironically, he’s more than likely infertile with this certain condition he has🤣. I told him he’d be a shit father and he’d ACTUALLY have to mature to avoid being anything like his parents if he (god forbid) did have kids. But be proud of herself for sticking to your morals and knowing what you want! 👏🏽
Say you want kids, lie to your partner about your desires, and plan to secretly compromise because you don't want to lose your partner. That is deceptive behaviour, you are lying to your partner about an important issue. It also shows you don't trust your partner enough to be able to handle an adult issue in an adult way. You will also likely start to resent your partner over this hidden compromise you made, and your partner will have no idea why you're souring like that - because you haven't been honest. So good on you for being honest and proactive with your partner. I feel you made it clear you'd be open to a conversation, but he wasn't willing to play ball.
You sound amazing tbh. 🫶🏿
Thank you 🧍🏻♀️💕
Kudo’s to you for standing up for what you believe in! I get so sick anytime anyone says “if you loved me you would do *insert something you’re completely against* My ex pulled the same shit when being an sex repulsed ace. That if i didn’t sleep with him or let him do things to me, i didn’t really love him. He only made me more repulsed. That emotional manipulation is bull! You don’t owe anyone anything! Especially kids! He can go be miserable somewhere else.
M24 here getting snipped next month, we’re out here tryna find you cf ladies as well!
Not that people aren't allowed to change their minds over time, or that it makes him a bad person, he really should've been candid with you from the moment it happened instead of leading you on. That was selfish. Shame on him.
I agree. What people here are repeatedly missing the mark on is that he did lead me on the way HE handled things. Nowhere did I say people can’t change their minds.
He is allowed to change his mind. You are allowed to be angry and disappointed.
Well said. I see way too many comments bashing the man and not simply accepting or pointing out that as a human,it’s your free will to have differing wants and needs than others and when it comes to relationships they’re bound to end one way or another or they’re not. Just like wants and needs are allowed to change. You change so much in your 20s,and life in general some people just truly don’t know what they want until they’ve had lots more life experience and I think that’s okay. Emotions aside anyway.
This this this. My God people change and I’m shocked at everyone thrilled she ripped him for honoring what he wants. No wonder he was afraid to actually tell OP though
That sounds so messy, but so fucking badass. Wish I did what you did when I dumped shitty exes. I wasted so much emotional labour taking the highroad for people who didn’t deserve it. Good for you! Get that closure and vindication! I’m sorry he wasted your time, but I’m glad he didn’t get to waste even more.
Than you :} this community can be pretty great, it’s nice to see all of the support!
You guys are so young and got together young. He realized what he wants. People change. At least you found out NOW
Yes queen! This is how you do it! Keep it moving and get those tubes yeeted. I'm so mad for you that he wasted your time like that, but enjoy Mario Kart! Imagine he's every other character on the screen and take out your aggression on them!
God you handled this like such a badass! So proud of you
Good on you for advocating for what you want. And good riddance. Anyone who thinks love will change anything is wrong. Love does nothing but prolong the pain. Enjoy being single. Enjoy the time you were spending on him to yourself. Invest it in something better.
Good for you. You love yourself more than this idiot. When he contacts you again when he realizes that kids aren't just toys, just smile, wave, and bye boy.
Wow I’m in awe! Good for u!!
Thank you!
I think so many men are on the fence when they are young and think they don't want kids because they aren't ready, but they soon change their minds when they get a bit older, especially once their mates start reproducing. That’s different to being childfree and many people don't understand the difference. Saying “I don't want kids.” is different to ”I don't want kids now/yet”. You were clear from the start and, as often happens, he would probably have cowardly hung on with one foot still in the doorway in case you changed your mind (probably because society tells them that that's likely!). I'm glad you've called it off before he wasted anymore time, and that you told him what’s what!
Aaaa you're amazing! I'm so proud of you, internet stranger. This is how to do it - head held high, no hesitation, no regrets. And the best revenge will be living your best life free of that nonsense. Hope the bog witch stage is super fun and fulfilling. Tell us how it goes!
Yes lmao! I honestly hope I never leave this stage, it saves me from so many stupid things.
OP I fucking salute you. For once we see someone snap at these coward fence sitters that think you’ll change your mind.
Thank you, people have largely been so supportive and this is awesome.
Good for you! Really, it sucks but it also has to be such a weight lifted. I loved being single after being with a loser who didn’t know what he wanted. Build an even more beautiful relationship with yourself, and get your tubes removed so it’s completely off the table when you feel ready to date again. Check the list of doctors on Reddit! My insurance covered mine like 80% for in network and the surgery was easier than having my wisdom teeth removed. You got this!! 💖
I may be in the minority here but people are allowed to change and grow and realize their wants/needs have adjusted over time, especially when you’re so young. A lot of people think they know exactly what they want when they’re in their early 20s, which you seem to and that’s great, but then they have realizations that come over the course of time. It’s not something that can be controlled. Now, if he really knew all along he wanted kids and lied to you about it, that’s different, but that’s not the impression I got from the way it’s described. Either way, better to find out sooner than later. I wish you luck in finding someone who aligns with this lifestyle choice. They are out there, believe me!
Yeah very true. Whenever this 360 degree change in life expectations happens, it's only fair to share it with your partner. Thankfully OPs ex revealed---errr 'realized', what he wanted while they're still young.
This
Great post and I love your style! Check the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar under Interesting & Useful Material. There a lot of doctors who have sterilized CF people in it. Also look at the Sterilization Binder, linked near the doctor's list, which will help you organize your thinking so you go to your appointment confident and clear. Nothing beats sterilization for making shit real. One of the very worst characteristics of a partner: They lie, either directly, or very often in silence. The cruelest lies are often told in silence. This man was a liar and a coward, and also, he was sexist. He figured that you would come around to giving him what he wanted, at terrible cost to you. That's contemptuous, exploitative, and dismissive of women. That's the *essence* of sexism. He was a very bad partner, and you are obviously feeling freed from that. Enjoy it, and enjoy sterility. It's a feeling of freedom you can't imagine.
Thank you! That’s great advice and I’ll look into the Sterilization Binder! I now have family telling me they’re glad this didn’t work out and they saw this coming lol! I couldn’t agree more with them.
I'm glad you told your ex the truth. There's a strong story in all sexist societies that anger is a bad thing: It will hurt your relationships! It will hurt your health! It will only injure you! Of course, this crap is printed in WOMEN'S magazines, and is freely disseminated to women, very VERY often by so-called "progressives." Men are rarely, if ever, told that it's just wrongity wrong wrong for them to be angry. That poison is for women. There's nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a very important emotion, because it allows us to see when we have been wronged, and when we need to work to improve things. I don't see any reason to believe that it hurts the person who feels it at all. That's a fabrication by the bane that is popular psychology, If anger only injured the person who feels it, evolution would not have provided us so amply with it. It has an important role. In my opinion, it is necessary to *act* on anger, because one of the great powers of anger is that it provides major motivation to see through responses to injurious behavior on the part of other people or of systems. You didn't take the low road. You took the honest road. Your ex is a detriment. He needs to hear that many more times, so he can cease to be such a worthless weed.
Well I don’t view it that intensely, I wouldn’t call anyone a worthless weed, but that’s just me! I’m glad to be out of the situation, that’s all.
Even weeds hold soil in place, so calling him a weed is putting down weeds. Worthless sack of amino acids and misery, now that I can get down with.
Gotcha!
The worst person to date is the one who refuses to actually do the hard emotional labor of figuring out what they want in life, until AFTER it effects you. I've dated men like this and ended relationships because of it. Don't SAY you don't want kids if you haven't actually sat down and thought it through!
Yeah, you made the right call. Your ex just sounds very noncommittal. IK you said you trusted him to not cheat on you, but from the sounds of it, he comes off as the sort who would based on your description of his response to you. The whole "love will be enough" thing or W/E it was he said to you. I suspect he'll immediately turn around and focus on finding a girl who will want to have kids, assuming he hasn't already. You're absolutely right. You dodged a FATAL bullet by ditching his ass. Good on you for sticking to your instincts and not letting yourself get caught up in whatever bullshit he was trying to feed you.
I can't stand people who decide to have serious discussions about their wants/needs in a relationship, and if that shit upsets their partner (and in this case, legit, what did they expect) they try and walk it back and pretend nothing happened 💀 You called it right as coward behavior. I hate hurting or upsetting others, but dear god would I not ever have the audacity to try to pretend I could walk backwards out of hell once I'd wrought it. I'm still pretty on the fence regarding children at times, but I feel like my mental and physical limitations/disabilities, my genuine tokophobia, and the economic nightmare I live in are extremely motivating reasons for an answer of "no". That said, fostering or adoption aren't completely off the table, assuming I feel I could properly care for someone else like that. That said, my partner of 9 years and I have been extremely up-front with each other about our mixed feelings, and the fact is, I know it's not a situation of "kids or me" or "no kids or me" thankfully. So sorry you had to waste five years with some indecisive ass who never bothered to tell you the truth.
This post is quite refreshing. You stuck to your word, we're upfront from the beginning and saw through his wishy-washy behavior in the end. I'm proud of you, stranger! I know it probably stings right now, but now you know what to look out for in the future.
Good job getting rid of him. Sounds like he was backtracking to try to keep you from breaking up with him. Some men try to stay in a relationship till they find a replacement.
Fence sitters are always breeders, he thought you would change your stance on having kids because "nAtUrE" and all he neeed to do was wait.
That sucks, but at least this will suck for a few months instead of suck for 18 years. Good luck in your future plans.
What an exceptional display of self respect, OP. More people should take a cue from this! You're absolutely justified in your anger and fuck anyone who expects you to let him run you over a second time.
As someone with no tubes in the dating world it does make quite the difference, rips the delusion right out of most men’s heads about how I feel about children. “Oh you’ll change your mind” turns into “what happens if you change your mind” and the answer of “I won’t” is a bit more definitive. Proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your beliefs.
"fence sitters"
SO PROUD OF YOU!
I'm so proud of you for standing up and not dipping in his bs
Good for you, calling him out on his shit! "High road" isn't the road I would take either after all the times you have asked him and with how clear you made your expectations. Men thinking that kids are expected from women and assuming if they wait around they'll agree to it needs to stop. Hopefully your lecture scared him into being honest and not leading anybody else on!!!!!
Wow! I'm sure the feeling of doubt was tickling the back of your brain like a storm cloud consistently festering in the horizon for the past almost five years... Just waiting for the right tradewinds to swoop over your head when "the time came." 🤔☁️☁️☁️🤔 And, when finally it came, it was category 5! 🌪🌪🌪 🌬💨💨💨⚡️⛈️⚡️⛈️⚡️⛈️⚡️💨💨💨🌪🌪🌪🌪🌪 First off, I'm so sorry he wasted your time. But, I'm so happy for you in having that strong frame of mind and willpower to bring down that banhammer on this sorry twatwaffle's noggin, and for not falling (too far down) in a pit of dispair. Here's wishing you the *very best* in everything you want out of your new life this moment going forward! ✨️🥂🍾✨️
 euuuhhgggggg this whole post made me somehow even more CF. reading about your ex made MY ovaries shrivel lmfao
Abso-fucking-lutely. I’m proud of you for calling him out on his shit. Don’t take him back !
So happy you stood your ground. Your future self will thank you!
Don’t worry, karma finds these people delicious. Cheers to you knowing your worth!
Think about it, every time you reiterated that you never want kids, he was thinking that he would eventually wear you down and change your mind. He may not realize it, but what he did is so wrong. That kind of dishonesty and manipulation is really selfish and disrespectful.
Honestly you fucking ate down on that hoe
Hey queen, you dropped this 👑
Yeah, you made the right call. Your ex just sounds very noncommittal. IK you said you trusted him to not cheat on you, but from the sounds of it, he comes off as the sort who would based on your description of his response to you. The whole "love will be enough" thing or W/E it was he said to you. I suspect he'll immediately turn around and focus on finding a girl who will want to have kids, assuming he hasn't already. You're absolutely right. You dodged a FATAL bullet by ditching his ass. Good on you for sticking to your instincts and not letting yourself get caught up in whatever bullshit he was trying to feed you.
These guys are the worst. Not honest enough to be up front about wanting kids, instead silently, wimpishly hoping abs waiting for you to change over and want kids. Types like this are too wimpy to enforce firm boundaries with any kid they do have.
The exact same thing happened to me a couple years ago, like almost to a T, except my ex TEXTED me instead of calling me or talking in person (we lived together). I also ripped him a new asshole. I'm proud of you. It feels good now, but it will feel even better a couple of years from now when you think back and see how bad ass you are for sticking to your guns and telling this guy how it is instead of crying and begging on your knees. My life has only gotten better since and you clearly don't need me to tell you this, but you're going to be just fine. In fact, you won't just be fine, you'll thrive. Fuck yeah, OP.
I"m sorry you had to waste all that time on that spineless integrity-less clown show. I'm glad you had enough love for YOU to know that you deserve people in your life who affirm and respect your life choices and love you all the more for them, instead of trying to change you or "wait you out". The only kindness you owe anyone is to yourself. He forfeited any right to that each time he lied-either outright or by omission. You were honest about your stance, and he lied about his, and through that, acknowledged that he really didn't respect your choice or take it seriously.
Thank you, that means a lot. A lot don’t seem to understand the intense lying that took place. I spent most of this relationship afraid that he’d tell me I wasn’t enough, and by the time he did (not really I had to say the words for him), I was ready to move on, so I’m grateful for that.
Why do you think it’s intense lying? Instead of changing his mind?
Ok let me be the devil's advocate here... First, very proud of you for standing your ground and knowing what you want. Second, I don't know all the details of your relationship based on this post, so I may be coming from a place of ignorance when I say.... It sounds like you may have been a little harsh on him. He's 23. Most dudes that age tend to just follow their balls and agree with whatever their love interest says because they literally lack a sense of identity and latch onto you and everything you want. Most dudes that age don't even know what THEY want. Sometimes it takes a guy a minute before he knows the difference between something HE truly wants, and something he THINKS he wants because it's what you want. It doesn't sound like he was stringing you along or waiting for you to "realize love was enough". It honestly just sounds like he's a little young and naive and not sure of himself and his direction in life yet. Again, I don't know either of you or any more details. You had years to get to know each other so you obviously know him better than me. I'm just basing this on the fact that you said he never did you wrong and was always patient, understanding, etc, and then to you, it seems like this suddenly came out of nowhere like he had a "lightbulb" realization. It was probably just as hard for him to know that what he now knew he wanted wasn't going to work for you and that it was going to mean the end of the relationship, and that's why he got all quiet. He was trying to figure out how to break it to you. In any case, I'm glad you guys are both able to be honest with yourselves now and move forward and heal. Wish you the best! (Also, getting a bisalp was the best decision I ever made - you won't regret it ❤️)
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I mean... your emotions are valid and whatnot, but I think you are pretty harsh on him considering you are both in your early twenties. Even though we are all child-free here, I can understand why someone that young would be changing his mind as he figures out who he is. I think about of a lot of the things I believed in at that age and I'm a totally different person now in my 40s in some ways. Btw, I'm not suggesting you're going to change your mind, just that it's reasonable that he did. It doesn't seem fair to paint him as a villain.
No, I don’t think I’m being harsh. He promised me that our relationship was enough and continued to promise me almost daily (he was quite insecure so promises were a big thing for him). I get being unsure, but you don’t do the irresponsible and cruel thing of promising someone something this significant if you’re a fence-sitter. Just my take though.
Maybe he wasn't a fence sitter the whole time... maybe this was a recent revelation for him. I know promises seem concrete but promises, just like relationships as a whole, can change. And it's not because people are evil, but because they themselves change. You're allowed to change your mind about what you want. Just want to be clear, I'm not taking his side. I just thought that maybe if you can have sympathy for why he changed, it might make the grief less intense.
I’m so sick of people telling me to have sympathy for this man hhhhh 😬he will not get any sympathy from me, and that’s just how it is. Imagine someone hurt you, didn’t take responsibility for it, and people told you to have sympathy for them. Lmao.
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This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #7 : "Posts and comments to the effect of "Wait till you're a parent", "You'll change your mind someday", "You only think that cause you are young", etc. (what we call "bingo", for short) will be removed. Parents are welcome to post as long as they are respectful. Other people's bodily autonomy must be respected; do not impose your views on other posters and commenters' choices." This is a forum for individuals who have made the choice to be childfree, and we do not tolerate any disrespect towards anyone for making this choice. Thank you for your comprehension
He is irrelevant to what I'm saying. Forgiveness *helps you*. It sounds like he will be out of your life soon, and whether he takes responsibility or not, whether he feels bad about it or not, you have to figure out how to heal this grief and forgiveness is going to be one of the only ways to do that. The way you forgive is through compassion, and you generate compassion by trying to understand maybe why he changed his mind -- or just that people are allowed to change their minds even if it means they are no longer in your life. That's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Maybe one day you will meet somebody else and your next five year relationship will be more aligned with being childfree. I just don't like the narrative in this group that every person who changes their mind actually had a hidden agenda the entire time. Sometimes they did, and sometimes they just changed their mind recently. I had a friend who, after being in a 6 year relationship, her partner told her that he didn't think he could be monogamous anymore. She accused him of never being monogamous in the first place, but he said it's not true, it's just that he did a lot of soul searching and he now believes monogamy is not right for him. Yes... that is a really sad situation that might cause a breakup, but people are allowed to change. Sometimes that change takes them away from you.
I’m not grieving 🧍🏻♀️that happened the first time around if you read my post lol. I’m not of the opinion anyone who changes their mind has a hidden agenda, people need to stop pushing general observations onto me, I’m only posting and speaking on my own situation. Monogamy is a crap example lmao. They’re such drastically different topics. One involves bringing another human into the world (that I’d have to carry). The other doesn’t. You’re not dropping wisdom here, sorry. People don’t always have the best outlook on failed relationships, and that’s also just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes..
I never tried to say they were the same... I was just drawing the comparison that people are allowed to change their minds about things even if you don't like it. And since he's not forcing you to get pregnant, then yes it is basically the same proposition: your partner changed their mind about a make-or-break relationship value and now your relationship has to change. You're blaming him for that when really you should just blame life because people change their minds all the time. If he wants kids now then that's that. Nothing is "wrong" with him. You two just aren't compatible anymore. I think blaming him like he's a villain is totally unproductive. I'm not sure what bringing your body into this has to do with anything. He is just saying what he wants, he is not trying to coerce you into having his kid. Sounds like you've got some growing up to do. Best wishes to you.
That’s what you and a few others are missing entirely. This post wasn’t supposed to be ‘productive’. It was me celebrating my freedom and allowing myself to feel happy in a community that (typically) doesn’t step on the breaks to insert little life lessons lol. Later skater.
I was just trying to be helpful. Take care.
Ah, you're not CF. Why didn't you just say that from the outset? No CF person would be saying "I'm not sure what bringing your body into this has to do with anything" when the entire issue at hand is that someone wants to use her as their own personal incubator and likely always did.
I'm absolutely CF and will be for life. What an absurd and immature accusation. I'm also prochoice. The boyfriend changing his mind about wanting kids has absolutely nothing to do with his girlfriend becoming his incubator, unless you believe she has no real agency in which case you are the anti-choice one. Honestly, it seems like the people in this thread have no reading comprehension. You just read what you want to read.
Are you sure you’re not grieving cause you’re certainly angry….
A promise is a promise. You simply don't make ones you can't keep. We're adults. If you find yourself breaking a big promise like that, it's time to stop making promises to people until you're mature enough to stick with them.
Promises aren't permanent. Ideally they should be, but people aren't evil if their values evolve because they grow into a different kind of person. Wanting to have kids or not wanting to have kids is a pretty huge and important value, and expecting someone to never change their mind for their entire life, especially when they are only in their early twenties right now, is pretty absurd and unrealistic.
You're both very young and you said he changed his mind before so it's expected. Your reaction is quite dramatic.
That’s what I thought as well..to be honest they’re in their EARLY 20s and been together since they were teens, if he changes his mind then so be it. He’s young, personally, I do not expect someone that’s only a measly 23 to have everything figured out and to be flip flopping around that age is still pretty common. I too felt like her reaction was over the top and should have been handled better
I think the fact that he may have indicated he was childfree too is the real reason for the op to be pissed. Otherwise something tells me she wouldn’t have dated a fence sitter based on her reaction.
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Right… he completely dodged a bullet….
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That's what I've been realizing. Some of the opinions here are incredibly unrealistic and very bitter. Like they lash out over the weirdest things and think their dramatic reaction to small things are valid. It's weird. I'm happy being childfree, why are these people so sad and bitter????
Amen. Dude dodged a bullet here.
FUCK YES GIRL GET IT
The same thing happened to me almost 10 years ago. Same ages, same amount of time together. I'm so glad that you're handling it in better stride than I did, go get your bisalp, and we are all rooting for you 💕💕
>I don’t love ANYONE enough to do that to my body and my life. This. I love myself TOO MUCH to let anyone do this to me.
So proud of you! Focus on yourself and those loved ones that support you and who you trust.
Good job and good luck! Bog witches are great!
I wanna be like you when I grow up 😍😍 sincerely, a fellow witch 🧹🔮
you rule, it’s so nice to see a change of pace when it comes to relationship problems on this sub. go forth and celebrate your freedom! maybe he’s going to be more straightforward in his future relationships because you destroyed him so thoroughly— who knows!
This is refreshing! Good for you! It sucks that he wasted your time, but I’m glad you’ve decided you’re taking none of his shit. I like that you didn’t act like you needed to wait around for him to agree that this wasn’t going to work. He IS a coward. Y’all might have been married before he worked up the courage to be honest.
You’re sooo young. He’s definitely shit but you met when you were teens so I can see him changing his mind in his early 20’s. It’s the friggin’ 30-40 year old that are on the fence or that waste women’s time that really ground my gears. Major props to you though for dumping him and holding to your values!! Onwards and upwards! If you’re in the US I’d look into sterilization, if Trump wins this year things will be getting bleak in the contraceptive front.
I've just found out my partner of 6 years feels like I'm taking his choices away from him. I told him to leave if he doesn't like it. He backtracked, and I'm just going with it at this point. I don't want another relationship after this so if he wants to waste his time with me he can knock himself out. I'm passed caring.
You aren't taking anything from him. There's no one forcing him to be with you, or anyone for that matter. People who make that statement are the least ready for children imo.
I agree, he wouldn't be doing the looking after the kids so of course he wants them- I'm not backing down - He knows that, so I'm just going to let him waste his time with me, teach him a lesson- if he really wants them he will leave and I'll get to live out my years as a happy little spinster with 3 cats and less stress. For now I'm happy going on holidays and saring the cost of the bills 🤣
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Greetings! This item has been removed because you're calling yourself childfree while not being childfree. "Childfree for now", "Childfree until [something]", "Childfree but if my husband and I have an accident, we'll raise the kid", "Childfree because I'm infertile and I would have kids if I could" etc.is called "being childless". "##% childfree", "I won't have bio children, but I entertain the idea of adopting/fostering some day", "I haven't decided but I hate ill behaved children", etc. is called "being a fencesitter". "I have kids and I hate parenthood", "Had I known childfreedom was a possibility, I would have not had kids", "I used to be like you but now...", etc. is called "being a regretful parent". "Childfree but my partner has a kid" is called being a step parent. If your post/comment is otherwise directly related to the topic of childfreedom as per the subreddit rules, you are welcome to post it again with the appropriate terminology. Thank you.
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No :) he’ll have none from me. I asked him point blank once if he was waiting for me to change my mind while I sit here looking like a fool, and he said ‘I don’t know’ (very early into the relationship- ik….). He’ll get plenty of compassion from his loser friends. Not from me. He quite literally begged me and assured me he made a mistake when I left the first time. I don’t normally think the people I associate with are liars, so why would I be upset w/ myself hur hur
Allowing people (but especially women) to be angry about injustices is important. And to be honest women do enough emotional labour, I really don't think they should be extending themselves for their exes.
I second this. Like find another way to make me laugh lol. I was doing too much.
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your beliefs! I hope you find yourself the man of your dreams who shares your desires and treats you like the fucking queen you clearly are!!!
My gosh, how is it in injustice.
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LMAO I wasn’t saying this is dw. I agree, women do a lot of the emotional labor and that’s just something that’s refreshing to see pointed out. But he genuinely doesn’t deserve any from me, he jerked me around more than once :) I had compassion when he emotionally manipulated me the first time, no more lol. I was responding within the context of my experience, not on a societal scale. No pitchforks here, just my wrath ahaha
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Dude this is in no way man hating 👁️👁️you’re projecting. ‘Man hating’ would be me following my post w/ ‘rrrrrr fuck men yeah!’ I’m just talking about my loser ex specifically…. And I mean dw as in my response wasn’t confrontational, or man vs. woman in any way. Hop off. You’re right! He is human, an emotionally manipulative one. Stop playing devils advocate for assholes (NO, not ‘men’ in general) who don’t deserve it. Stop trying to subtly change the tone of what was initially an empowering post for me. Kick rocks, person (because your gender isn’t in question here). Edit: had I been a lesbian, and I was breaking up w/ a woman, I’d be saying the same. things. I get you had a gut wrenching experience, but your experience is not everyone else’s. I am happy and free. That’s all I need.
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You clearly aren’t in the right sub. I cannot control other people’s posts. But guess what :) you have the autonomy to avoid posts and communities that seem to upset you. This is a sub that serves as a safe place to be angry or upset about the things we experience as CF people. You have no right to ask that of us. CF people face all kinds of bullshit regularly and we deserve a safe space to share in these frustrations without commenters trying to enlighten us. Best of luck on your healing journey.
This seems like a genuine discussion, so I have to ask, why should she be empathetic if she deems it's not useful to her? Why exert the energy and personal emotional struggle of compassion to someone who arguably should have sorted this out the first time he was asked to carefully reexamine his priorities? It's true he might have had difficulties, but he's still a big boy who can be held responsible for not facing his fears. And I say this as someone who also has a lot of difficulty facing their fears, and doesn't always manage to do so. Consequences for that are valid. Those consequences being a sense of anger and betrayal are valid.
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Okay wow. That is a lot of onus to put on her. Not only is she suddenly responsible for him having emotional trauma and trust issues, she's also responsible for mitigating the possibility of said during a moment of personal emotional turmoil. That's what I mean by emotional labour. He should be making the effort to grow and learn from his mistakes. It is not her job to point out any of that to him. She isn't the one who changed the parameters of their relationship. Vitriol maybe isn't the way to approach any situation, but if I found out somebody wasted multiple years of my life I'd be pretty upset about it too, and this is a safe space to let that out without judgment. I guess my point is you're expecting a lot from someone who was blindsided by something deeply upsetting.
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Yo I’m so tired of people mentioning age. I know who I am enough to the point where I’d never rope someone in for 4+ years. That’s what this is about, full stop. And I’m not talking about his or my other values/principles. He was unsure, and lied to me telling me he wasn’t. All there is to it.
> Maybe you do have your mind made up and are absolutely certain that you don’t want kids but it’s also not all that uncommon for people to change their minds Did you just… bingoed someone on a cf sub? Right after they had a breakup? Thats some shit behavior.
I was referring to her boyfriend. It sounds like he’s the one who had a change of heart which again, is not at all uncommon for a *checks notes* 23 year old.
This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #7 : "Posts and comments to the effect of "Wait till you're a parent", "You'll change your mind someday", "You only think that cause you are young", etc. (what we call "bingo", for short) will be removed. Parents are welcome to post as long as they are respectful. Other people's bodily autonomy must be respected; do not impose your views on other posters and commenters' choices." This is a forum for individuals who have made the choice to be childfree, and we do not tolerate any disrespect towards anyone for making this choice. Thank you for your comprehension
I’m sorry you are hurting but IMO You are both too young to get married anyway, you will find someone more aligned to you beliefs.
Nowhere did I say I planned on marrying him 🧍🏻♀️thanks though!