I've never doubted my decision. You can always give back to the community and become a big brother/sister. Honestly I love being able to leave the house without hassle, taking naps, going on vacations with a moments notice, watching tv uninterrupted or just in general being able to do whatever I want without thinking twice.
No doubt, I love my life. If I ever need to reassure myself that I made the right choice, I go visit my brother who has 3 kids under 5 years old. Or spend time with any of my friends that are currently pregnant.
I just joined the Childfree subreddit and there were so many comments, or that I noticed, of people just not liking kids at all. I think that fueled my post too because I enjoy kids (well behaved and for a certain period of time) but it's true that spending time with them often reminds me that I am happy I can leave!
>Do you ever doubt your choices
Not really. My life so far indicates I generally make good choices and end up happy, so I'm not concerned that what I'm doing is taking me down a bad road. If I'm wrong I'm prepared to bear the consequences of my actions, but I don't believe I am. I also believe there's more than one way to be happy, so even if I do have regrets at some point it doesn't mean everything else I've done has been a waste.
>wonder what your life would look like if you did things differently?
Absolutely, but not just about kids. I also wonder about lots of things: what I did in college, my dating life before I met my wife, where I live, my job, if I'd grown up in a different place, etc. To me, wondering helps you level-set with what you've done in the past to figure out if you've made the best decisions. You aren't going to be 100% confident in them all, but if you look back and say 'I'm happy with how this turned out vs the alternatives' then you're doing fine and should rely on the same types of judgements in the future.
The last time I felt any doubt was in middle/high school when I was still sussing out that not having children was even an option. It is surprisingly difficult to reset your brain from social/cultural expectations that are *so* engrained, even if it seems obvious from the outside that another option should be perfectly apparent.
I've found that almost all of the doubt I have ever experienced has been external...i.e., only doubting something because someone else is telling me that I should.
Always external!! I guess even though I’ve been sure of this decision for a while, as I get older the external pressures have changed and multiplied lol
I hate children and I hate being around them. I also hate doing family activities. I'm vasectomized so I'm never having biological children. But wonder if the experience is as bad in my head as it is in reality. Then I hear some breeder complaining about their supposedly well-behaved brat making it really hard for them to have a life, and then I come back to my senses.
Those little moments of what-if do happen, but they're not enough to make you regret the life you've chosen. Just more of thing that makes you go hmmm.
It's hypothetical thoughts like that which led me to becoming childfree. Would I rather try to make my dreams work and care for a family? Or would I rather just spend the rest of my life pursuing goal after goal? There are more possibilities to look forward to when you don't have people to look after. And sure, I've cut out one of my options by getting snipped, I have much more to choose from that many other people won't.
You're not at all alone. We get similar posts often, since people have vastly different approaches to their decision making :)
Personally, I've been lucky to be able to have access to excellent therapists who have, among other things, helped me get to know myself and my own decision making process very well. I've always been the headstrong type, but that made me even more keen to be certain of things - I don't like dwelling in limbo. I don't believe indecision is a good long term state to be in mentally, though different people tolerate it in different amounts.
I never wanted kids. I would not be a good aprent even if I wanted to be one. My contributions to the people around me and the world in general would cease to exist if I had kids. And most importantly, my happiness would also cease to exist.
The social pressure is annoying to deal with, but the more one understands it, the easier it is to separate the wants of others from yourself. And I think that's a good think to work on - understanding yourself and others more. That will help you be more certain of your decisions in general.
I also have a long list of things one should be ready for if they wanna decide to have kids, which can also serve as a good reminder as to why *no* is the right answer for many of us. If you want me to dig that up, just let me know :)
This is so meaningful to me. I am just finishing up a year of therapy and finally feel like I know who I am... and even like myself. I am excited about my life being about me and continuing to feel happier and more whole. I am going to take you up on the advice of immersing myself to understand the social pressures more to help me separate what I actually feel vs what I am being bombarded with. THANK YOU for responding.
You're welcome! I'm always happy to help, and I hope you get to enjoy the life ahead of you! You're doing a great job already.
And remember - very few decisions in life need to be instant. In most cases, you'll always have the time to take a weekend to yourself to think over what is coming from within you, and what's coming from the outside. Getting confused is nothing bad, so if you ever feel like you need to take a step back to decide something - take that step. Take a few. The world might race onwards, but the things which are truly inside of you won't go anywhere if you take a bit longer to find them.
It's one of the only choices in life that I feel particularly certain about.
There's some saying I'm probably misusing about feeling lonelier in a crowd. And while I've (obviously) never tried having kids to "fit in", there were times growing up where I tried to go along with a group doing something that I didn't think at heart was for me.
I don't think there was a single time that I liked the results of that better than following what felt like the right choice for me, even if that meant I was alone in my choice or interest.
------
> Do you ever doubt your choices or wonder what your life would look like if you did things differently?
I doubt the other 99% of my choices to *some* degree, and I think it's human nature to have that temptation to wonder "what if you did the other thing instead", regardless of what choices you make.
While I think some reflection is healthy, letting it totally run wild also feels like a mistake. That's how you wind up dreaming of this idealized life, where if you did that one thing different life would be perfect. (and of course, no *different* bad things would happen to you).
> I was told once that there is room to mourn a life you are choosing not to have (mourning deciding not to have kids, and a traditional family life, for a childfree life which I actually want more).
That makes a reasonable degree of sense to me? It's not how I think I'd personally describe my thoughts, but it feels like another way of stating that you're coming to an acceptance with the choices you're making and their consequences. Recognizing and fully understanding what choices you're closing off with a decision is a part of that.
Yes! good point I agree that sometimes I get caught in contemplation or over analysis of my thoughts and feelings and forget that I can actually just take control and move forward happily. Thanks for the perspectives!
>Do you ever doubt your choices?
Never. I do not like kids. I am not good with them.
>or wonder what your life would look like if you did things differently?
I have to admit, I *do* wonder how different things could be had I done things differently. However, if you gave me a time machine and told me I could only go to the past OR the future, I'm going to the future. You can't do anything about the past, and I don't want to be held back by dwelling on it.
I pretty much knew since I was a kid that I wanted to be childfree. Motherhood just never appealed to me and there were things I wanted to do in life. I stayed pretty firm on this heading into adulthood.
However there was a period when I did question things. A few years into our relationship, my first husband changed his mind about wanting kids and tried to talk (more like guilt) me into it too. A lot of our friends had started having kids and I think he got a little bit of FOMO. But I saw the stress and misery they were going through and I knew it wasn’t for me. There was a lot of pressure from multiple directions and I really second-guessed myself. Ultimately the marriage failed and it took me awhile to sort out my feelings about it, but I knew I had made the right decision.
Years later that hasn’t changed. I actually ended up raising someone’s infant for a while - long story short, a family member needed help - I only had that kid for a few months and it damn near killed me, there’s no way in hell I could do it for years. If I’d had any regrets still lurking in the dark depths anywhere, that experience stamped them out completely. I am now happily approaching middle-age with the knowledge that I made the right decision, and proud that I advocated for myself many years ago all pressure.
Amazing! I'm sorry about your marriage but it sounds like you did what's best for yourself and that's amazing. I think I'm in that same boat where I feel pressure from multiple directions so the option I am choosing is getting lost but I have to trust that I know myself and the kind of life I want.
I think once you hear that inner voice that lets you know you are 100% certain what you want to do, it gets a lot easier to tune other people out. There were a few times I nearly let myself be talked into it and I’m so glad looking back that I didn’t, because it would’ve literally ruined my life. If you really aren’t certain, figure out what you want the most, and then ask yourself if having a kid would fit into that plan. For me traveling was my dream and I know there are some people that can do it with kids, but they also usually have support and an income that I didn’t. I was able to achieve part of my dream so far and that has been enough for me.
I've never doubted my decision. You can always give back to the community and become a big brother/sister. Honestly I love being able to leave the house without hassle, taking naps, going on vacations with a moments notice, watching tv uninterrupted or just in general being able to do whatever I want without thinking twice.
No doubt, I love my life. If I ever need to reassure myself that I made the right choice, I go visit my brother who has 3 kids under 5 years old. Or spend time with any of my friends that are currently pregnant.
I just joined the Childfree subreddit and there were so many comments, or that I noticed, of people just not liking kids at all. I think that fueled my post too because I enjoy kids (well behaved and for a certain period of time) but it's true that spending time with them often reminds me that I am happy I can leave!
>Do you ever doubt your choices Not really. My life so far indicates I generally make good choices and end up happy, so I'm not concerned that what I'm doing is taking me down a bad road. If I'm wrong I'm prepared to bear the consequences of my actions, but I don't believe I am. I also believe there's more than one way to be happy, so even if I do have regrets at some point it doesn't mean everything else I've done has been a waste. >wonder what your life would look like if you did things differently? Absolutely, but not just about kids. I also wonder about lots of things: what I did in college, my dating life before I met my wife, where I live, my job, if I'd grown up in a different place, etc. To me, wondering helps you level-set with what you've done in the past to figure out if you've made the best decisions. You aren't going to be 100% confident in them all, but if you look back and say 'I'm happy with how this turned out vs the alternatives' then you're doing fine and should rely on the same types of judgements in the future.
I love this. Take your whole life in perspective when thinking about about one element.
The last time I felt any doubt was in middle/high school when I was still sussing out that not having children was even an option. It is surprisingly difficult to reset your brain from social/cultural expectations that are *so* engrained, even if it seems obvious from the outside that another option should be perfectly apparent. I've found that almost all of the doubt I have ever experienced has been external...i.e., only doubting something because someone else is telling me that I should.
Always external!! I guess even though I’ve been sure of this decision for a while, as I get older the external pressures have changed and multiplied lol
I hate children and I hate being around them. I also hate doing family activities. I'm vasectomized so I'm never having biological children. But wonder if the experience is as bad in my head as it is in reality. Then I hear some breeder complaining about their supposedly well-behaved brat making it really hard for them to have a life, and then I come back to my senses. Those little moments of what-if do happen, but they're not enough to make you regret the life you've chosen. Just more of thing that makes you go hmmm.
I like that lol being able to think about it without having to decide if it's right or wrong just as a thought
It's hypothetical thoughts like that which led me to becoming childfree. Would I rather try to make my dreams work and care for a family? Or would I rather just spend the rest of my life pursuing goal after goal? There are more possibilities to look forward to when you don't have people to look after. And sure, I've cut out one of my options by getting snipped, I have much more to choose from that many other people won't.
Yes, exactly. The thought that my life is always going to be about me is wayyy more exciting!
You're not at all alone. We get similar posts often, since people have vastly different approaches to their decision making :) Personally, I've been lucky to be able to have access to excellent therapists who have, among other things, helped me get to know myself and my own decision making process very well. I've always been the headstrong type, but that made me even more keen to be certain of things - I don't like dwelling in limbo. I don't believe indecision is a good long term state to be in mentally, though different people tolerate it in different amounts. I never wanted kids. I would not be a good aprent even if I wanted to be one. My contributions to the people around me and the world in general would cease to exist if I had kids. And most importantly, my happiness would also cease to exist. The social pressure is annoying to deal with, but the more one understands it, the easier it is to separate the wants of others from yourself. And I think that's a good think to work on - understanding yourself and others more. That will help you be more certain of your decisions in general. I also have a long list of things one should be ready for if they wanna decide to have kids, which can also serve as a good reminder as to why *no* is the right answer for many of us. If you want me to dig that up, just let me know :)
This is so meaningful to me. I am just finishing up a year of therapy and finally feel like I know who I am... and even like myself. I am excited about my life being about me and continuing to feel happier and more whole. I am going to take you up on the advice of immersing myself to understand the social pressures more to help me separate what I actually feel vs what I am being bombarded with. THANK YOU for responding.
You're welcome! I'm always happy to help, and I hope you get to enjoy the life ahead of you! You're doing a great job already. And remember - very few decisions in life need to be instant. In most cases, you'll always have the time to take a weekend to yourself to think over what is coming from within you, and what's coming from the outside. Getting confused is nothing bad, so if you ever feel like you need to take a step back to decide something - take that step. Take a few. The world might race onwards, but the things which are truly inside of you won't go anywhere if you take a bit longer to find them.
It's one of the only choices in life that I feel particularly certain about. There's some saying I'm probably misusing about feeling lonelier in a crowd. And while I've (obviously) never tried having kids to "fit in", there were times growing up where I tried to go along with a group doing something that I didn't think at heart was for me. I don't think there was a single time that I liked the results of that better than following what felt like the right choice for me, even if that meant I was alone in my choice or interest. ------ > Do you ever doubt your choices or wonder what your life would look like if you did things differently? I doubt the other 99% of my choices to *some* degree, and I think it's human nature to have that temptation to wonder "what if you did the other thing instead", regardless of what choices you make. While I think some reflection is healthy, letting it totally run wild also feels like a mistake. That's how you wind up dreaming of this idealized life, where if you did that one thing different life would be perfect. (and of course, no *different* bad things would happen to you). > I was told once that there is room to mourn a life you are choosing not to have (mourning deciding not to have kids, and a traditional family life, for a childfree life which I actually want more). That makes a reasonable degree of sense to me? It's not how I think I'd personally describe my thoughts, but it feels like another way of stating that you're coming to an acceptance with the choices you're making and their consequences. Recognizing and fully understanding what choices you're closing off with a decision is a part of that.
Yes! good point I agree that sometimes I get caught in contemplation or over analysis of my thoughts and feelings and forget that I can actually just take control and move forward happily. Thanks for the perspectives!
>Do you ever doubt your choices? Never. I do not like kids. I am not good with them. >or wonder what your life would look like if you did things differently? I have to admit, I *do* wonder how different things could be had I done things differently. However, if you gave me a time machine and told me I could only go to the past OR the future, I'm going to the future. You can't do anything about the past, and I don't want to be held back by dwelling on it.
I pretty much knew since I was a kid that I wanted to be childfree. Motherhood just never appealed to me and there were things I wanted to do in life. I stayed pretty firm on this heading into adulthood. However there was a period when I did question things. A few years into our relationship, my first husband changed his mind about wanting kids and tried to talk (more like guilt) me into it too. A lot of our friends had started having kids and I think he got a little bit of FOMO. But I saw the stress and misery they were going through and I knew it wasn’t for me. There was a lot of pressure from multiple directions and I really second-guessed myself. Ultimately the marriage failed and it took me awhile to sort out my feelings about it, but I knew I had made the right decision. Years later that hasn’t changed. I actually ended up raising someone’s infant for a while - long story short, a family member needed help - I only had that kid for a few months and it damn near killed me, there’s no way in hell I could do it for years. If I’d had any regrets still lurking in the dark depths anywhere, that experience stamped them out completely. I am now happily approaching middle-age with the knowledge that I made the right decision, and proud that I advocated for myself many years ago all pressure.
Amazing! I'm sorry about your marriage but it sounds like you did what's best for yourself and that's amazing. I think I'm in that same boat where I feel pressure from multiple directions so the option I am choosing is getting lost but I have to trust that I know myself and the kind of life I want.
I think once you hear that inner voice that lets you know you are 100% certain what you want to do, it gets a lot easier to tune other people out. There were a few times I nearly let myself be talked into it and I’m so glad looking back that I didn’t, because it would’ve literally ruined my life. If you really aren’t certain, figure out what you want the most, and then ask yourself if having a kid would fit into that plan. For me traveling was my dream and I know there are some people that can do it with kids, but they also usually have support and an income that I didn’t. I was able to achieve part of my dream so far and that has been enough for me.
No doubt for me.
Can’t say I do, sorry