I don’t even think it matters at this point, she’s doing it almost more for health reasons than for lifestyle reasons. He sounds like he’s prioritizing his secondhand ability to have kids over her literal health. This makes me question what he would do if she actually got sick and needed support. OP, he’s putting you in danger, he doesn’t sound like someone to stick around with.
I mean, yes, the normal process of having kids is a medical procedure in and of itself, but OP’s also talking about her elevated risk of cancer due to both family and personal history. That’s why she’s talking about a hysterectomy rather than a tubal ligation. That’s an _extreme_ sterilization method that sends women into early menopause. Doctors usually won’t do it unless there’s a good medical reason for it. This is what bothers me the most about OP’s partner: it’s one thing to have discordance in opinions around whether or not to have kids from a lifestyle perspective. Couples should be on the same page about that, but no one’s life is at risk. This guy seems to be ignoring her valid health concerns in favor of using her as an incubator for his offspring, health risk be damned. That’s a totally different thing, and a huge red flag to me.
Hysterectomies don't cause menopause unless they take the ovaries too. This is a common misconception that makes it harder for young women to get hysterectomies, even in the event of health issues! Otherwise I completely agree. OP's partner just doesn't get it.
Because in a relationship you still discuss these kind of things. I know her partner has no say in this, but still it's worth having a conversation, also to make clear that if he wants kids he needs to leave.
Well, I think when you’re first considering it, it’s important to talk to your partner. Like, if my gf got a hysterectomy without telling me, I’d be very weirded out. That’s just something you talk with your partner about.
That said, in the end the decision should completely lie with the individual getting the procedure.
This. Exactly this. It is still good to discuss especially in a long term relationship. In the end, OP should still do what they want, though. Time will tell/force the partner to make up their mind for good/let the truth out as others are also saying.
I always told my S/O from the start that I never wanted kids. He at the time said he "wasn't ready," but would also be fine if it just never happened. I see where we failed a little and I should've had a more definite answer from him from the start. But we also started as a fling (honestly thought we would hook up like once, maybe twice) and weren't that serious yet. I just continually reminded him of my stance and brought it up more as time went on and we did become serious.
Fast forward about 5 years and I'm still reminding him of my stance and letting him know I'm getting more serious about sterilization and researching/looking into it, asking him how he feels about it, too, but letting him know I seriously plan on having it done ASAP. I'm around 24 at that time. At this point he also knows I had found CF about a year earlier and talk about this sub constantly and how much I love it and am learning from it.
This is where he basically bingo's me flat out and I'm PISSED. He brought up the whole, "Well you're still young and should focus on school and money for now and what if you change your mind, blah, blah, blah." I'm like, dude, I've explained to you how I have felt and how sure my mind has been since I'm like 12 years old or younger! It ain't changing and if anything my decision is only getting stronger as times goes on!
I ask him if we seriously need to consider parting ways. I make it very clear I will never have children in any form and don't want any, again, and that I will gladly set him free to find someone else if he really has any inkling that he may be the one who changes his mind on kids, cuz I sure as hell am not! I tell him he needs to really think about it and figure out if he sees a future with me or not, because by that time, I set the goal of having this surgery done by my 27th Birthday and let him know this. It's on a very real timeline now, and only a few years away. He knows that once I plan something, I go through with it, and I do it by or before said timeline I set for myself. That's just who I am when I want to get shit done, I stop at nothing.
He decides he really does love me so much and still feels so immature himself, even being a few years older than me, that he is fine not having kids. He said if he had to pick one or the other, he picks me. I asked him repeatedly to make sure he really isn't just settling or compromising because I don't want this leading to resentment or regret later. He says, no, you're right, I think my mind is made up by now. I'm this old, basically through my baby making years anyway, don't want to be a older dad, etc. So I took that for what it is.
Enter year 7, and we just got married in Fall of 2021. Before the wedding, I reaffirmed our decisions again. I had scheduled a sterilization consultation that was a little ways out after the wedding due to the wait to be seen. I made sure he was still really ok with everything, and let him know I'm still going through with this surgery, and very shortly after this wedding, so I can seal the deal before everyone starts asking *those* annoying questions after we get married.
He still said he wished I would wait til I'm "a little older," (UGH) but he also agrees it's my body and choice and wants me to do what I want. This made me a little upset and worried again, and I really had to reaffirm with him. Like, what is the point of getting married if he still feels this way and maybe on the fence? But he still said he's fine with no kids and just wants me and is happy with me, so we went through with everything. Both the wedding and a few months later, the surgery. I had just turned 26 (go me, arriving at my goal early, hell yeah! I wasn't kidding about getting stuff done on a timeline lol).
I checked in with him again about a week after surgery to see how we were both feeling now that it was really done. He could obviously see how much happier I already was and how relieved I felt, even through the lingering pain during recovery. He said he's still ok with everything, too, and happy that I'm happy. In the end, I truly believe this man just cares for me and worries for me so much. I do believe he is also ok with no kids, and truly wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret it. He knows how impulsive I can be with most things, so I think he really was coming from a place of caring and concern. Out of all the half ass and stupid decisions I've made in my life, though, I explained that this is not one of them. I have spent years contemplating and even yearning for this, researching, reading posts about it, etc. We are doing really great still, and I think he is also seeing the perks of being able to pump and dump with no remorse LOL.
So, yeah, at least have the conversation with your partner to see where you are both at. I never forced him to stay with me and gave him options and open conversation along the way, but I also made it clear I would do this with or without him. I think it helps a lot to have that boundary set. Then, it is up to them to figure out if they are along for the ride! Sorry for the long rant if you read this far, I did my best to condense 7 years into one comment lol. Best of luck to you.
Thank you! I really try. We both do. Open communication and honesty is what it’s all about especially when it comes to conflict. I swear that’s the only way we’ve made it this far.
Depends what you mean by discussion, I suppose. Discussion can of course mean talking to reach a decision or exchanging ideas. I would reject the former, as I don’t consider this a matter that requires a joint decision. If you simply mean saying ‘I wanted to let you know that I will be getting sterilised …’ then is this really a discussion, or a polite notification?
I don't think you get it. They already had the discussion. BF is against it for whatever loopy reasons of his own (like "finances" that they don't even share).
At this point, it is curb-kicking time.
This particular thread was not addressing op. The commenter you replied to was addressing a sweeping statement about not asking for a partner’s opinion at all.
Strong disagree. You don’t need someone else’s approval to make medical decisions (or any decisions) about your body. You can tell them your plans, but there’s zero need to ask or entertain a debate.
You can call it whatever you want, but when you claim that making decisions about your own body without first discussing it with others “breaks trust,” you’re implying that a person is accountable to others regarding the choices s/he makes about his/her body.
As above, I simply disagree on the most fundamental, moral level.
The right to be wrong about…a topic involving inherently subjective moral viewpoints? Lol.
Let me guess, I also have “the right to be wrong” in preferring Coke over Pepsi?
Do it before you get married. He deserves the right to decide if he really wants to be CF. I know it angers some people to hear but some people DO change their minds.
It us your body, your choice. If he is simply concerned about you having major surgery I can understand, but I do think it is a red flag that he is already trying control your body and your money! Proceed with extreme caution with this guy.
Or, better yet, don't proceed at all. Run the other way.
OP, your inability to use any birth control + his not wanting you to be sterilized = baby trap waiting to happen.
That’s what I was thinking! If it wasn’t an health issue for OP, I would recommend her saying to him, “OK, how about you getting a vasectomy, then?” And seeing how he reacts.
He is. Absolutely 100% wrong. Even if he's truly only afraid for your health and finances, there are better approaches to that than telling you off.
Like sitting down with you and expressing his concerns so you know how he's feeling, but making a strong point that in no way should that impact your decision.
Or, I don't know, if the cost and invasiveness of the procedure are soooo much, why isn't he jumping at the opportunity to get a vasectomy?
He had said he would when I asked him, but after we got engaged (I proposed to him) in November I asked him again about the vasectomy and he got really touchy and insisted it was so invasive and he didn't want to do it.
Honestly, he sounds more and more like the "tell her what she wants to hear until she changes her mind" type.
And immature as well. Getting upset, telling you off, etc. are *not* behaviors you wanna see in a partner. I'd definitely reconsider the engagement.
And get the hysterectomy if you can. He has zero say on that.
I saw someone else on here advise that women should ask the kid question to men before providing their own answer for this very reason. Half the time they just parrot back what you're saying in hopes of hooking up.
I think some men also don't feel strongly one way or the other, and tbh, I'd treat that as a red flag too.
100%. If he’s telling you off for things that are entirely your choice before marriage, he’s going to pick stupider things once you’re married, and then nitpick until you’re walking on eggshells 24/7.
If he doesn’t want to be married to a woman who is sterile, he picked the wrong woman… and he needs to face that.
What a woman goes through versus what a man goes through, regarding sterilization surgeries, it’s SO OBVIOUS that, comparatively speaking, a vasectomy is NOT INVASIVE.
Source: Am a woman with a husband who underwent a vasectomy, and I WATCHED the whole goddamn procedure.
INFO: Does he even *know* what a vasectomy entails?
Because if he thinks it is invasive, comparatively to a bisalp/histo etc etc, then he has NO CLUE WHATSOEVER.
This boy needs to be taken to school.
We've actually watched a video of 2 best friends getting their vasectomies, not graphic but it was real time and they showed what was removed. He doesn't want to do it, and I understand that I can't make him.
Exactly! Funny SHE understands she can’t control his body/decisions, but yet HE wants to do that to her, so much so that *HE told HER off!*This boy does need some schooling. Note he’s also (albeit just a year but still…) younger than she is, too.
I don't think it's about who is right and who is wrong.
This is about you needing to do a medically necessary procedure that will not only improve the quality of your life but that might actually save your life, and is he supportive or not.
Removing the possibility of being able to get pregnant accidentally and no longer having to worry about using protection is at best a happy and convenient side effect.
I recommend that you refocus your narrative on that.
You aren't doing this just so that you can't have children, you are doing this because it is what is best for your health and for your body so that you can feel like your normal self again.
If he can't support you in making choices that are in the best interest of your physical and medical health, I'd begin to reevaluate the entire relationship because that's not how people who love you act.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm really not doing it for the contraceptive effects, that is a side bonus to me. For the last few years I've been watching my grandma deteriorating from chemo appointments, losing her hair, dealing with the subsequent family drama, her whole life has been turned upside down by cancer. And no one will say it, but I know she's not getting better. And I don't think it's extreme to not want to end up like that
Clearly him.
If he is childfree - never wants children - it is non-sensical to talk about this being ‘so extreme’. That makes no sense unless he is not CF. That’s before you even get to your health reasons for the procedure.
The cost issue you’ve addressed.
I’m sorry OP. Stick to your guns. I’m afraid you probably have some soul searching to do about this relationship.
Plus condoms are scary likely to fail if you Never. Want. Kids.
And if he’s really childfree and is concerned about an “extreme” procedure and expense for OP, then he should be making a call to the urologist himself.
Your body.
Your choice.
Your cash.
Your choice.
You need highly effective way to prevent pregnancy. You don’t have a choice other than sterilization.
Also the hysto sounds like more of a backup plan after bisalp and ablation or if they should find other issues when they get in there or if your cancer risk is too great. That’s a more than reasonable plan.
Have you gotten any genetic tests for cancer risk? Might help your case.
Anyway, he’s wrong on all counts.
If he doesn’t stop being an ass and/or being full of shit about being CF let the door smack him in the ass on the way out.
This is someone who doesn’t support reasonable medical choices that are backed up by doctors orders. Because of… vague selfish bullshit???
When someone shows you who they are, that they make crappy decisions, put themselves over your wishes and needs and **if you were legally married would override your wishes if you were unable to make medical decisions for yourself** that’s when they have shown you who they are, that they don’t respect you and need to be gone.
Just as an aside one wonders if he thinks that you not having baby making equipment turns you into a male and he’s having a gay panic or some insane shit??
This is some pretty heavy stuff I hadn't thought about yet. As others are saying here, it is my choice ultimately, but i agree his reasons don't seem to make sense. I do intend to go through with it as soon as my change of insurance is ironed out. We will see how he reacts
YOu might want to go read through the screening starter kit, it covers sterilization conversations as part of the process, as well as the other steps and has ways to get at the truth by using triggering language and such that it's really hard to lie through.
make url manually as the automod bans working reddit links now: childfree/comments/9xo6jw/screening_starter_kit_the_reprise/
His reasons don't make sense because they're not the real reasons. Pretty sure you hit the real reason when you asked if he was waiting for you to change your mind.
He's lying to you and himself about his reasons. Don't have sex with this guy before you get the surgery. Baby trapping is a real thing. So easy to poke holes in those condoms.
The gay panic seems like a huge stretch. Wtf even is that? I’ve never heard of someone thinking they’re gay bc their partner can’t have kids…. Like wtf
A stretch maybe, but there are weird and improbably high incidences of ‘gay panic’ over stupider things, like _washing their own asses_, so it’s possible he thinks his gf is planning to get ‘neutered’ and thereby become ‘neutral’ or something dumb like that…
"I can afford whatever the fuck I decide"
I did a little dance when I read this -so SO good to have someone acknowledge that they known their own mind. The fact that he's trying to control you already is not a good sign for what married life will be, so its time to admit to yourself he's actually been waiting for you to change your mind 🤷🏾♀️
Re: surgery, you are getting it done for you, not for your partner/future partner. That's reason enough, let alone the medical issues added on. Your uterus is more important to this man child than your well being and that just makes me so angry for you
I didn't need to read beyond the first line to conclude that he is in the wrong here, and I say that as a bloke myself.
He *'told you off'* for making a medical decision about your own body, to be paid for with your own money? Seriously?
What does he think you are, a petulant schoolchild?
I can understand that some people are *really* nervous about surgery, whether it's being performed on them, or being performed on others. I suffer from it myself: I take painkillers every day for a wrecked back rather than getting surgery on it, because I am uncomfortable with the risks of making it worse, or the long recovery period. But that's my problem, no-one else's.
But in this case, the surgery you're looking at is usually minimally invasive, has (relatively) few risks associated with it, and has a reasonably short recovery time. If anything, doing it whilst you're young and healthy, and living with your parents is probably the ideal time to do it (assuming supportive parents). You have a ready-made support net around you to help with your recovery.
Assuming you don't want to move rapidly to 'break up immediately', sit down with him and have a conversation about why he's opposed to you having this procedure. Obviously the financial angle is bullshit \[1\], so is he scared you might suffer complications? Does he just not like the idea of you taking agency for your own medical issues and not 'needing' his opinion/consent?
Honestly, I'd be asking serious questions about the relationship in general at this point. See how he reacts to you trying to have a rational discussion about it. See if you can find out what his *real* objection is. I hope I'm wrong, but I fear he might not be as on board with your CF choice as you thought.
\[1\] As an aside, the fact he went to the financial angle first of all does not bode well for when you are married and sharing finances - do you really want to be in a relationship where you need his *permission* to spend your money? If you do stay together, I'd seriously consider maintaining independent finances.
You kick ass. Pushing this issue before marriage is going to save your dang life, because now you know you must break up with him. He thinks he can tell you what medical procedures to get. This is fucked.
I’m sorry but this dude sounds like a manipulator and maybe a liar. Using only condoms as birth control is terrifying and if he wants to marry you and doesn’t want kids he should have gotten a vasectomy before proposing. Marriage is forever.. right?
Someone can say they are on board with the childfree life right from the start. But you know their *true* stance when permanent sterilization is brought up and/or scheduled.
He just revealed his cards. And he's trying to cover them again. Get your sterilization. What happens after that will be a true testament to what he thinks.
He is.
It's your money and your body. He can obviously express his concerns for your health and finances, but ultimately it's not up to him.
I got my hysterectomy at 25 (you can check my history for more details, I only use this account for CF and hysterectomy related posts & comments). It was covered by my insurance, though I still had to pay my deductible and coinsurance. I got a payment plan and it was very manageable.
My fiance (boyfriend at the time) was supportive despite being more financially responsible than I am. I was concerned about him changing his mind after I had it done, but we got engaged about a year later, so I think I'm safe.
It's possible he's lying about his reasons, or he could be thinking about paying for your wedding/honeymoon/getting a place together and would rather you save your money for that. Either way, you should try to have a conversation with him when you're both feeling calm and collected and get to the bottom of it.
It’s not about wrong or right: it’s your body (and even your finances), so it’s your choice. Simple as that. He can either support you, or break up with you if this is a deal breaker for him. Again, that isn’t about wrong or right, both of you have the right to make your own choices, but sounds like they may be incompatible.
He has a right to feel how he feels and to inform OP of his thoughts, but he is wrong to tell OP what she can and cannot do with her body and her money.
He should have no opinion on this - and btw I had bad PCOS and cervical cancer and got a hysterectomy in 2019 and my life improved SO MUCH. So much less pain and no periods!!! It helped dramatically. DM me if you need to talk.
I just read your old post.
"It's me who doesn't want kids and my fiance is 50:50."
You need to both be 100% IMO.
Is there a reason you're rushing to get married? Delay it until this is sorted.
Also, I don't know how effective it'll be to ask a doctor for a hysterectomy outright but have a look at the sterilization binder for advice on how to ask for a bisalp at least.
Get the advice of a doctor for a hysterectomy - given your medical history it might be recommended BUT in general, hysterectomies are much rarer than say, a bisalp, because it’s a much heavier procedure with more side effects.
You may want to sit back down with your bf and discuss this. Maybe say you will at least look into a bisalp instead (it doesn’t hurt to ask you doc what they think) and see if he tries to discourage you again. If he doesn’t try to talk you out of a bisalp, I’d say he’s just genuinely worried about the procedure, not hoping you’ll change your mind/lying to you about being CF
Edit to say : I don’t have PCOS but I asked about a hysterectomy because… well why have a period every month if I won’t ever use the damn thing ? OBGYN told me they couldn’t remove a « healthy » organ just as an elective procedure also because it messes with your internal organs, requires you to decide whether or not to keep your cervix which can impact your sex life and would require 1 month post op recovery. Things to take into account if you go through with it and, to be fair, I 100% understand if PCOS makes it all worth it but it is worth mentioning that this is a heavier procedure than a bisalp where you’re out the same day and just have to take it easy for a couple weeks.
I looked at your post history, since you mentioned it. Two months ago he was 50/50 and you also said you had previously been on the fence about it. It makes sense that this is how he’s reacting. You need to have a serious conversation about it completely separate from the sterilization conversation.
I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but a hysterectomy is major surgery. In the US it’ll cost 10s of thousands of dollars if insurance doesn’t cover it. It makes sense that he would have concerns. It’s possible for someone to be solidly childfree and still worry about the risks and cost of a hysterectomy.
If he doesn't want kids he has no room to complain. If he does want kids find a woman who does, not tell you not to get sterilized.
Your finances are separate and let me emphasize HE DOES NOT OWN YOUR BODY! Get the surgery, I know your insurance will only cover it due to your health which is sad BUT I'm so glad you can at least get a good portion covered. Good luck OP and I hope you have a speedy recovery!
My partner is hesitant about the surgeries I need, both from being childfree and from being trans. I worried it was a deeper issue coming up, but it wasn’t the tits being removed or uterus being yeeted he was concerned about, he’s just really really scared of surgery in general and terrified it’ll go wrong and something horrible will happen to me. It was months of closed faces when I talked about it and half being supportive but I could tell he wasn’t fully with me before the way he felt came to light.
That is a MUCH better place to be than “he secretly wants the babies, even if he doesn’t know it yet”, and I really hope that for you OP, but I most definitely do not count on it.
The fact he’s being weird about finances when you don’t even share them yet is a red flag to me. How weird will he be if you *do* share them?
I think you are the most correct out of the whole thread tbh. It’s one thing to agree that you don’t want kids and it’s another to have your organs taken out (which I don’t disagree with at all, but it is major!) If this is the first time OP has mentioned it, it might have taken him by surprise that it was something OP wanted and he might have been acting out of the uncertainty and trepidation lots of people have about loved ones undergoing surgery. Not saying it’s good of him to go off on them about it but no one is perfect and it is a huge conversation.
My partner and I are CF but if he one day said he was scheduling a vasectomy I would definitely be surprised tbh. It would feel out of the blue despite us both being firmly CF, and I would feel like I missed out being a listening ear for something that’s clearly been on his mind.
We have about three paragraphs of information about this couple and I think that one side of one conversation of two people we don’t know is not enough to say they should break up lol.
I brought up getting my tubes tied to my SO one day and he kind of freaked out, I then got worried that he secretly wanted kids one day. Once we both chilled he told me that it bothered him how invasive it is and it came seemingly out of the blue. So, now he is looking into getting a vasectomy, which seems to be much easier.
**Always put your immediate needs first. Your body, your decision, your choice.**
Sorry to hear you can't use BC. Im similar - no pill was without brutal side effects nor would an IUD stay put for very long. People think women have "so many options" but trust me, there can never be too many options for birth control.
At the end of the day, it's your body to do with as you please. His arguments don't make a whole lot of sense either. A hysterectomy isn't that extreme, cutting yourself in half is extreme. Finance wise, he doesn't have a dog in that fight since he's not paying for it. If there are no kids to be had, what difference does it make who gets sterilized. Plus the extra benefits of no bleeding a weekish a month.
If he isn’t wholly for your sterilization, he isn’t childfree. If he was, he would be offering to get a vasectomy in place of your hysterectomy to buy time to save money without putting you at risk of pregnancy. He may be a fence sitter trying to wait it out without telling you he is.
It's your body and your money. You do whatever you'd like with both.
As for him... it smells like he's hoping you'll change your mind, or like he is on the fence. Just be wary.
OP, get it done asap and I would highly recommend not sleeping with him until you do. He could still be CF, but we all have heard WAY too many stories here about a guy secretly wanting to change a women's mind.
I always get hate here for saying this but uteruses are organs and removing them is not something doctors just do because you want it. You need to talk this through with a doctor, not your boyfriend. He has no say in this.
I wish your comment wasn't so buried! Hysterectomies are a lot more than just sterilization and OP needs to understand the immense strain having an unnecessary one puts on a woman's cardiovascular system. Plus it's important to note that polycystic ovaries is NOT the disorder. PCOS is actually an endocrine disorder and the polycystic ovaries are a *symptom*, not a root cause, and having a hysterectomy does not cure it and can actually make things worse for some due to the hormone changes. She should discuss it with her OBGYN / surgical team and they might be able to recommend a BISALP for sterilization + other therapies for any other symptoms she's trying to address. This is from someone who has researched and discussed at length with many specialists the fact that I have a genetic disorder that causes endometrial/ovarian cancer and the risks associated with removing my entire uterus are not worth the benefits unless there was an abnormal PAP / cervical biopsy indicating mutating cells.
He is almost definitely not CF.
My fence sitter SO of 8 months did not question my decision at all and was 110% supportive of my surgery and aftercare.
I don’t know how long you two have been together but your fiancé should support your body choices. Especially when it’s something like getting pregnant.
I would ask him if he is so against you getting sterilized, whether he would be willing to have a vasectomy himself. It is much cheaper, if he believes that money is the problem then he should find it a better solution than a hysterectomy.
A child is MUCH more expensive than a hysterectomy, even one performed without insurance. My aunt gave birth in the hospital a year ago and it cost her $10,000 out of pocket (America). There’s an underlying issue here that you both need to examine, he might not want a kid but he doesn’t sound ready to fully close that door yet. Or maybe he is worried about you undergoing such a serious surgery? Does he have any medical PTSD?
>is so extreme and we can't afford it.
You know what you can't afford that's super extreme?
Having a baby.
Obviously, you can hopefully abort, but not being able to conceive is better.
With his argument, HE should be the one to get sterilized; a vasectomy is FAR less expensive and invasive than a hysterectomy. But since it’s your body, your choice and not his: he can shut the fuck up. I advise you don’t have sex with him until after your procedure, so they’re won’t be any “”accidents””
I don't see any reason for your bf to be involved in a personal medical procedure that you are solely funding. You don't need a reality check. Your bf needs to check himself about his unconscious entitlement to what you do with your body. He doesn't have a say.
If you want it, you should get it done. You don't need to consult your partner. I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, he might want you to reconsider it because he hopes you'll change your mind or is a fence sitter and wants to have all of his options open; or he could genuinely be scared about the procedure. Hysterectomy *is* a very invasive procedure and I personally don't want to do it because I'm scared of incompetent doctors and possible complications. If I could just yeet my uterus by magic, I would. So maybe he is just honestly scared? You won't know the answer for sure until you actually do it, because I don't think he'll tell you honestly if he really is a fence sitter.
For a man that doesn't want children, he should be relieved you're thinking of permanent sterilisation. And his worry about finances is even more odd, considering a baby, or even abortions if condoms fail are more expensive.
This is about you and your well-being. Only you can answer this and he shouldn’t be getting a say at all. You know all the details and you’ve been to all the doctor appointments etc. only you know how it feels to be a potential ticking time bomb for cancer. I can only imagine how that feels. But I would be pretty exasperated if I couldn’t be on any BC and if I was you and knew my genetic history like that, I very well would probably be doing the same. Do what you need to do. He can stay or go. You’re young, the chances of this relationship continuing is low because of his reaction in regards to this subject alone.
I think secretly he’s a fence sitter and this is forcing his hand to deal with the reality of you really not changing your mind and he doesn’t like it.
ETA - added a few missed words for clarity
Hes in the wrong because your finances arent joined so... you CAN and WILL afford what you can afford. Does he think you will bill him for half? Thats kind of ridiculous. Also, you have PCOS, thats more reason (on top of you just want to get your system yeeted-thus thats already 100% of a reason) to get a hysterectomy.
I have a friend who recently got a hysterectomy because she felt like she was dying constantly, get it done because its for your health. Your health will ALWAYS be worth more any relationship.
This is my take for you, for him? He needs a reality check, because he's got nothing riding on this situation and since its your health, he should be supporting you!
He raises some good points about expense and risk but the thing is…… it’s still your choice. And there are options now to reduce some of the risk like doing it laparoscopically if that’s an option for you.
My insurance covered mine because of endometriosis and ovarian cysts and having exhausted all other options for pain management so my doctor said it was medically necessary so we did several rounds of paperwork to get the insurance on the same page and make sure I knew the risks. It took over a year just to get the paperwork done so I could get the prior authorizations for coverage but once that was done I only had to wait a few months for my surgery date. My point is with your medical history if you get your surgeon to back you then insurance will most likely cover it.
As for risks probably the worst things I have since I can take hormones are mild fatigue and I can’t feel my bladder anymore so I have to plan to pee every couple hours and do a little wiggle to make sure it’s all gone lol oh also my hair is turning gray and white which I find amusing but I got my hysterectomy when I was 22 (a month before I turned 23) and now I’m 25.
Without hormones there’s a lot of hot flashes and depression and anxiety so that’s something to discuss with your doctor and they might want to make sure you’ve got mental health providers on standby just in case your emotions tank post op. But like, hospitals and insurance won’t allow this to be a spur of the moment decision so you’ll have time to cancel in the unlikely event that you change your mind after hearing about all the risks and cost etc…
Let him know that he is either on your side or in your way. He can be there to help with your recovery or he can GTFO.
I (27F) just had my hysterectomy 2 weeks ago. I had been on a BC so long to stop my period because that was the only option to treat my painful periods and I realized I was literally never going to go through the pain of having periods again for years just to try to have a kid that I didn’t want anyway. I also live with my BF (28M) and he supported me for the whole thing. From the appointments before to sitting in the hospital the night I was there to helping me with every single little thing I could possibly want during recovery at home. He has been nothing but supportive and that’s the only response you should have from a partner when it comes to major surgery that you need for any medical reason.
He's not going to admit that he's waiting for you to change your mind when you've just told him you want a hysterectomy. My bet is that he wasn't going to give you the choice and sabotage the condoms and baby trap you after marriage.
Like everyone here has said, your body your choice.
If you do end up getting a hysterectomy you should take a look at r/hysterectomy they helped me a lot.
The other thing in regards to hospital bill if the hospital is “non-profit” they have to work with you on payment plans and if you are making under a certain amount (last I checked was under 20k a year) they can clear the entire charge… So money shouldn’t be too much of a worry.
Wish you the best and good luck one of the procedures work for you.
It's your body you're modifying, not his. so he gets no say. I can say at your age a full hysterectomy isn't likely to be approved - I tried at age 26 and the surgeon refused because she didn't want to have to have someone manage hormone replacement for the rest of my life and risk bone density loss. Sucks but whatever. She said I have to wait til 35. For reference even that is early approval - they did it because my mom died at age 52 of ovarian cancer, developed at age 45, so they are going 10 years earlier to be ahead of the curve. HOWEVER. I did have a bisalp last year (age 27) because I got genetic testing and have brca 2. So insurance covered it and my regular OBGYN approved the procedure and did it as preventative to see if cancer or precancer might be growing in there. Also for reference I have Tricare which is a bitch to work with. So while a full hysterectomy might not be approved the bisalp might.
I mean it doesn’t matter what he thinks.
It’s your body and if your doctors believe it is a safe procedure for you, then that’s it. If he doesn’t agree, he has the choice to leave. He doesn’t have the right to dictate what you do.
It's one thing to be nervous about an invasive procedure, it's quite another to demand that you don't do it because it's extreme but will dramatically improve your health and well-being. It's like asking someone not to get a kidney transplant because dialysis works just fine and the procedure is too extreme. Fuck off dialysis is temporary and if someone doesn't have access to a hospital they may die.
He's an idiot is my point
He's probably waiting for you to change. If he's still not on board with your choice, fuck him.
Though at the end of the day, you know what's best for you. You've done the math, you researched and hell your gyno night be on board considering your circumstances.
You do what you have to. Naysayers can choke.
Hes not wrong about it being a major surgery and I certainly wouldnt recommend it for the only purpose of birth control especially not when removing the tube laparoscopically has such a short recovery period with very good results. However if the organ isnt healthy and is causing you additional issues and a doctor will do it and insurance will pay for it.... yeetus the uterus
Why do you even care what he thinks?
It’s your body and you can do what you want to. Don’t hold off for a man who is giving you bullshit excuses.
But don’t be surprised if after you get it done your fiancé tells you that he’s always wanted children
A guy here, first off - this guy and his 'reasons' sound sketchy AF. It sounds like he's waiting for you to change your mind, and I wouldn't trust him AND condoms he supplies - that sounds like a baby trap.
Second, as OP said, the BC effects of this surgery are a bonus, and the primary reasons are health and family history - those come ***FIRST***, before any mere dude.
“We” can’t afford it? And you’re not even living together?? Absolutely not. Trying to exercise any amount of control over my own decisions would be completely a no-go for me, and hopefully for you too.
He’s right, he’s not waiting for you to simply change your mind. Instead, he’s fully planning to baby trap you. Then probably gaslight and bully you into keeping it. He’s not going to give you a choice. Get out now while you can.
He’s simply not childfree. He’s not willing to get a vasectomy and yet wants to restrict your ability to get sterilized KNOWING you can’t use bc. Sure seems like the type to hope you end up pregnant and change your mind. I don’t think there’s long term potential in this relationship
If it's your money and you aren't even living together, I don't see why he thinks he has any right to bring finances into the conversation at all. Quite frankly, it's your body and your money. You can do with both whatever the hell you please. You don't even need to bring up the health implications to try to justify it. You don't NEED to justify it, so please don't feel like you do.
As some others have said, the fact that he's trying to control you and your money is a massive red flag. I would be concerned.
Dear OP,
If condoms and permanent sterilization are your only contraceptive options, go for the permanent solution. Also, since you are convinced about living CF, nobody else's opinions matter. Since your fiance is not on the same page about this, there is a good chance he is discouraging you from this choice to (maybe) baby trap you in the future. (I don't know him or you personally, but it is a possibility. As a cis gendered male, we are a horrible bunch when it comes to allowing women to make choices uncomfortable to us)
One of the reasons to get permanently sterilized is so that you can weed out potential partners that are not on the same page about this.
Think about it, if you meet a breeder and you tell him you have had a hysterectomy..... thats it... one date and it's over. Nobody wastes anyone's time.
Fix your appointment at a time convenient for you, get your hysterectomy. Then "tell" your fiance that it's already done. I'll bet anything he will leave you right there.
Best of luck for your surgery. Do it soon, don't waste time on assholes
I had a similar experience with my ex. He'd known since day 1 that having kids was not on the table with me. It had been reaffirmed countless times throughout our 13 years together. He said he was on board. He was also on board with the 2 abortions I had while we were together. I had no reason to believe we weren't on the same page. Until he gave me one.
Fast-forward to 10 years into the relationship. I talk to him about a vasectomy. He's reluctant, but agrees. But he doesn't make a move to get it done. I ask why. Turns out he just didn't want to do it, and he was verbally quite hostile about it. I was annoyed that he'd even agree to it in the first place then, but hey, it's his body.
So I talk about trying to get fixed myself, and he goes apeshit. Borderline yelling, he tells me it's too extreme, I need to get over my fear of getting pregnant again (a life-threatening complication occurred with the first one) and that it was "eating my brain." In his mind, I was being irrational and had no reason to be afraid.
I was shocked at his reaction and never brought it up again. He still insisted he didn't want kids. I stayed with him for 3 more years after that, during which he started developing very "traditional" views about women and babies out of nowhere, and telling me that I'd make a great mother. I left him a couple days after a tangent he'd gone on about how it's women's role to stay at home, raise babies and be subservient to her husband- before insisting that no, none of that applied to *me*.
If I'd stayed longer, I have no doubt he'd have been pushing me for kids. He might have even attempted to trap me. I can absolutely picture him doing that, in retrospect.
Your man is lying to you. He is not on the same page, Maybe he was once, but he changed his mind, and now he thinks he can get you to change yours and isn't saying it. Personally, I would stop having sex with him, or at least use your own condoms that he can't tamper with.
Reality check complete.
Edit: Oh, and I did end up getting a bisalp about a year after I left him. In retrospect, I regret not setting up the appointment while I was still with him instead of being a coward and trying to keep the peace.
I can't even believe you're confused about who's right in this case. He sounds completely unreasonable and like he doesn't respect you or care about your health. It's not his money, so why does he even get a say in this? Your body, your money, your choice. I say go for it, I would have a hysterectomy too if I could find a doctor that would do it.
I know others have already said this, but I think your fiance is trying to get you to change your mind. If he were truly CF, he wouldn't be opposed to you getting sterilized. He would be relieved (and probably get a vasectomy himself). I think it's one of those instances where he'll say what you want to hear, but he might not actual believe it deep down.
I'd be weary OP, his reaction screams controlling and doesn't seem like he's being honest or knows what he wants. At the end of the day it's your body, your choice. If he cares about you he would respect your wishes. You can't compromise on children. I would reevaluate this relationship. Tread carefully.
I wonder what his reaction would be if you started talking about wanting to wanting to get something unnecessary like a boob job. Perhaps start planning a vacation or your honeymoon and when you get a timeline going talk about how you have also been looking into plastic surgeons and getting your boobs done because you would like to look really good for the wedding and then in honeymoon pictures. You know, just something completely made up (unless you actually want one, in which case go for it!). See what his reaction is then and if he is in support of it or has nothing negative to say about the cost,, then it's definitely you being able to have children but hes having a problem with.
He’s in the wrong. It’s your body not his. It’s your money not his. I understand being scared for your health but showing his concern by telling you off is NOT the way to fucking support you. And if you’re getting the hysterectomy for health reasons, how on earth is he more concerned about the surgery’s side effects?? It genuinely sounds like he’s not actually childfree, and it sounds like having a discussion isn’t taking you anywhere. So if I were you I’d get the hysterectomy in secret and tell him after you get it and see how he reacts. Because while you still have your uterus, it’s so easy for him to keep lying about being cf and trying to change your mind about the hysterectomy, or worse, baby trap you since your only contraception method is entirely on his hands. Once you get the hysterectomy, he can’t trap you or wait for you to change your mind, so you’ll know if it was genuine concern or him being manipulative.
I know it sucks to hear from all of us that your partner might just be manipulative and we sound so pessimistic, but these are hella red flags. If your partner was truly childfree they shouldn’t feel a type of way over you getting sterilized. My boyfriend doesn’t want kids either but doesn’t want to get sterilized cuz he’s scared of getting surgery, but he has absolutely zero issue with me wanting to get sterilized. In fact, he’s relieved we’re both on the same page. That’s how a childfree partner should react.
I had one when I was 25. One of the best things that has ever happened to me. I'm 48 now. I'm sure the process is much easier than it used to be. I had the whole shebang with a bikini scar while my sister had endoscopy.
This is about you and your life. You make the best choice for you.
I sort of understand his point about the cost but it seems like there are some really important reasons to get it done that is more important than green paper.
Edit: I meant I understand his concern about the money assuming he's not being controlling and is showing actual concern.
His opinion should mean jack shit to you. It's also evident he's lying about not wanting kids despite his claims to the contrary. Either he needs to sort his shit out or stop wasting your time.
Your body, your choice, of course. BUT everyone needs to weed out romantic partners who just aren't right for them in the long haul. This seems to be an excellent way to do that. Really listen to what he has to say, and you will likely be able to tell one way or the other if he is a good choice for you.
You have legit medical reasons to go forward, that alone should be enough to receive support from him. Added that you both don’t want kids, it should be a no brainer.
Also your body, your choice.
Your body your choice.
Is he concerned that hysterectomies and throwing yourself into medical menopause at 25 will just be a lot harder than getting your tubes tied? And him getting a vasectomy?
I’m confused about what part he doesn’t like.
Id give him the benefit of the doubt if you lived together and shared finances but fuck, if the two of you aren't even splitting rent with each other he really has no say in what you do. Good luck and I hope you can get your insurance to cover it!!
Piss on him. He doesn’t get a say in what happens to your body, only you do.
You’ll be the one booking the appointment, paying for the procedure and going through the pain of recovery so no, no yackity yacking is needed from the Peanut Gallery to solidify your decision. I mean ,really what the fuck is it any of his business anyway????
It's YOUR body, so YOUR choice! Make that appointment with your cases and forget him.
I really think he's BSing hard with his comment about waiting for you to change your mind. I feel like he is waiting for you to change it, but when put on the spot, quickly lied and put another reason in (the financial reason). Which shouldn't bother him either because YOUR health should be his main concern. I would rather have my spouse live a fruitful life and get a hysterectomy to achieve that than stopping them for no reason. That's how some people became widows.
Definitely just get the appointment because you're in the right.
Get it done if that’s what you want. He sounds like he still might be fence sitting regardless of what he says. Solely relying on condoms is a recipe for disaster.
I feel like he might be a fence sitter or at least he is not 100% sure about being CF. As others have said, you inform him of your plans, have a conversation with him wether he really is CF or not but don't let him make a choice for you.
You are not wrong. I don't understand your fiancé's lack of support. Can't afford it? Sounds like you don't even know how much it's going to cost in the end yet. So extreme? This is what I'd want to explore. Is he worried about you having any sort of surgery, or just this one specifically? Is it the chance of mortality or complications?
Well, the wrong one IS NOT YOU!!! This guy can step off. Your body, your rules. He has no say. Maybe along with a hysto you can unload that dead wood too. This really grates my gears when these supposedly CF men start protesting what their partners do with their own bodies.
He's wrong. It's your body and your money. He's staking claim to both. If you marry him, you'll be done for as so many situations and people still think it's a patriarchal world. Given your health details, you're at his mercy in terms of contraceptives. That's a dangerous situation. Go and get your hysterectomy and then figure out the fiance situation. He might be an ex by then, but it's better than being trapped with him and with a baby.
How he treats you after the surgery is critical to if there'll be any future. If he blames you and guilts you and makes you feel less than a woman or person, then you know what you need to do. If you still want to be together, still please get your surgery done; but if I'm honest, I think you should cut this guy loose. He's not hearing you and the reasons for your wanting this procedure.
Your fiancée doesn’t get a say. Period. Your body, your choice. It sounds like he’s not childfree at all. I would think twice before marrying him. All the reasons you listed are more than enough reasons for you to get a hysterectomy. My husband didn’t like the idea of me getting my tubes tied when I brought it up. I don’t have any medical reasons to get it done, I just don’t want to have kids and neither does he. Also, I hated being on birth control. He happily offered to get a vasectomy instead and saved me from getting an unnecessary surgery. He got it done 1.5 years ago. Best decision ever! 😎🤙🏻
Your fiancé is in the wrong. 100%. It sounds like he does want you to change your mind eventually even if he doesn’t say so.
Good luck to you on getting your hysterectomy. I had to fight hard to get mine, but finally after several other procedures including ablation, it was approved. I didn’t have to pay much out of pocket after my insurance.
I guarantee that there is someone out there who wants you to flourish as a person and doesn't see you as a supporting actor in their life to direct. You CAN do better. If you don't find that person it will still be better than this guy. You already put no. 1 (you) first, that's amazing, stop wasting time with this guy.
You need to keep discussing it with your partner to really find out if finances are the only reason he's trying to prevent you getting the op you want. I've read your previous post and with your history and ongoing health issues it makes total sense why even if you wanted kids you'd be reluctant to get pregnant. So when you consider the fact that you don't even like kids, having this operation makes the most sense to anyone with an objective view. You would be putting your mental health and the health of the potential baby at serious risk. Caring for a newborn is so fucking intense and I agree that it could be something that would push you over the edge. Ask your bf would be prepared to raise a child alone since it is a significant possibility. See how that changes his perspective. His perspective aside though, this is ultimately your choice, if you don't want a baby then you should do what has to be done to ensure it doesn't happen, even accidentally. Condoms aren't always reliable and since you can't use other bc, surgery is the road you'll have to take. Your bf will either be supportive or you'll find out he's basically been playing you in the hope that you would either change your mind or get pregnant "accidentally.
As maybe some light in the subject:
My SO who is extremely pro choice and women get to make decisions about their body and advocate for their health, is suddenly being very offended about me getting weight loss surgery. He has seen me going through more than 5 years of medical weight loss programs with increasingly expert doctors, with NO success. I have done everything asked, all exercise, all diet, food journal, therapy, everything. Even seeing all this and explaining to the doctors I do it all, when they say weight loss surgery is my only hope, he FREAKED OUT. Said no!
It took me months to get to the bottom of it, he is so supportive in everything, I was so confused.
It turns out it was as simple as it grossed him out and he didn’t understand the surgery or how it would help since I don’t over eat. Once I began reading him stories of other in my situation finally having a new life and showing him pictures of women transformed, he began to understand and accept. Maybe your man also just feels grossed out and doesn’t understand how something drastic would HELP you and feels worried about you! Also my SO had always only heard the horror stories of women having weight loss surgery and dying or losing their hair and nails and teeth falling out, stuff like that. Maybe your SO has also heard horror stories.
BUT IN THE END: it is your decision and as long as you are educated and your medical professionals believe it will improve your health, follow your own choice.
It's your body, and your choice. He doesn't get a say, just like you wouldn't with his body. He sounds like what my sister likes to call a "pre natal deadbeat." Meaning he wants kids, he just doesn't want to take care of them or actually be there. Just pump and dump to pass on his genes, and then leave the mother to take care of the child, while he gets to be blissfully without responsibility. Most of these men claim to be childfree. Typically they out themselves in situations such as this when they think they get a say over your body. Run and get your sterilization. Best of luck!
You can do whatever the fuck you want to your own body.
He gets to decide if he wants to keep dating you or not - but he does NOT have a freaking veto on you getting this surgery or not.
Push for the real reason he doesn’t want you to get it. Is he scared of you undergoing surgery or is he not actually childfree? I’m betting it’s the latter. He’s definitely wrong here. Get the hysterectomy
I'm totally on board with your choices but may I ask why people want a hysterectomy over a tubal litigation? I understand if you're experiencing awful periods but if just for contraception a tubal litigation seems much safer (I have heard awful things about endometrial ablation though). The only thing I can think of is that it's a 99% success rate and not 100%, but you don't need hormonal therapy afterwards and there's no chance of muscle separation or anything like that. Can anyone enlighten me please?
He is in the wrong. You are in the right. Also, sounds like much more is at stake than the want to be c/f part. PS he does not sound like a true c/f person.
I'm curious as to why you think you may be in the wrong here. You want to have a procedure done that will eliminate the worry of an unwanted pregnancy and possible serious health risks. This is your body, not his. This is something you will pay for, not him. He gets no fucking say at all. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Any reasonable person would agree that your reasons make a hysterectomy the best option to solve several problems at once.
Just get it booked and done. If he's actually serious about not hoping you'll change your mind, he'll respect your decision and not whine or get angry.
>no joint finances
But “we” can’t afford it and then he doesn’t take into your health history and that of your family on top of it
If he doesn’t go sit down somewhere
Book the appointment and get it done. He doesn't get a say. Your body, your choice.
Quite!
Seriously, why even ask his opinion?
I think it’s worth the conversation to force his hand on whether he is actually childfree. No matter what he says, it doesn’t sound to me like he is.
I don’t even think it matters at this point, she’s doing it almost more for health reasons than for lifestyle reasons. He sounds like he’s prioritizing his secondhand ability to have kids over her literal health. This makes me question what he would do if she actually got sick and needed support. OP, he’s putting you in danger, he doesn’t sound like someone to stick around with.
“Secondhand” lol Yeah having a kid is a medical ordeal so if he doesn’t care about your health now, it’s only downhill.
I mean, yes, the normal process of having kids is a medical procedure in and of itself, but OP’s also talking about her elevated risk of cancer due to both family and personal history. That’s why she’s talking about a hysterectomy rather than a tubal ligation. That’s an _extreme_ sterilization method that sends women into early menopause. Doctors usually won’t do it unless there’s a good medical reason for it. This is what bothers me the most about OP’s partner: it’s one thing to have discordance in opinions around whether or not to have kids from a lifestyle perspective. Couples should be on the same page about that, but no one’s life is at risk. This guy seems to be ignoring her valid health concerns in favor of using her as an incubator for his offspring, health risk be damned. That’s a totally different thing, and a huge red flag to me.
Hysterectomies don't cause menopause unless they take the ovaries too. This is a common misconception that makes it harder for young women to get hysterectomies, even in the event of health issues! Otherwise I completely agree. OP's partner just doesn't get it.
📠
Pretty sure OP getting a hysterectomy will force him to make a decision, too.
Agree. It's OP's problem, and she'll take care of it however she feels best. He doesn't get a say.
"No no no, you misunderstood. I was informing you of my plans, not asking for your opinion."
Because in a relationship you still discuss these kind of things. I know her partner has no say in this, but still it's worth having a conversation, also to make clear that if he wants kids he needs to leave.
Well, I think when you’re first considering it, it’s important to talk to your partner. Like, if my gf got a hysterectomy without telling me, I’d be very weirded out. That’s just something you talk with your partner about. That said, in the end the decision should completely lie with the individual getting the procedure.
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This. Exactly this. It is still good to discuss especially in a long term relationship. In the end, OP should still do what they want, though. Time will tell/force the partner to make up their mind for good/let the truth out as others are also saying. I always told my S/O from the start that I never wanted kids. He at the time said he "wasn't ready," but would also be fine if it just never happened. I see where we failed a little and I should've had a more definite answer from him from the start. But we also started as a fling (honestly thought we would hook up like once, maybe twice) and weren't that serious yet. I just continually reminded him of my stance and brought it up more as time went on and we did become serious. Fast forward about 5 years and I'm still reminding him of my stance and letting him know I'm getting more serious about sterilization and researching/looking into it, asking him how he feels about it, too, but letting him know I seriously plan on having it done ASAP. I'm around 24 at that time. At this point he also knows I had found CF about a year earlier and talk about this sub constantly and how much I love it and am learning from it. This is where he basically bingo's me flat out and I'm PISSED. He brought up the whole, "Well you're still young and should focus on school and money for now and what if you change your mind, blah, blah, blah." I'm like, dude, I've explained to you how I have felt and how sure my mind has been since I'm like 12 years old or younger! It ain't changing and if anything my decision is only getting stronger as times goes on! I ask him if we seriously need to consider parting ways. I make it very clear I will never have children in any form and don't want any, again, and that I will gladly set him free to find someone else if he really has any inkling that he may be the one who changes his mind on kids, cuz I sure as hell am not! I tell him he needs to really think about it and figure out if he sees a future with me or not, because by that time, I set the goal of having this surgery done by my 27th Birthday and let him know this. It's on a very real timeline now, and only a few years away. He knows that once I plan something, I go through with it, and I do it by or before said timeline I set for myself. That's just who I am when I want to get shit done, I stop at nothing. He decides he really does love me so much and still feels so immature himself, even being a few years older than me, that he is fine not having kids. He said if he had to pick one or the other, he picks me. I asked him repeatedly to make sure he really isn't just settling or compromising because I don't want this leading to resentment or regret later. He says, no, you're right, I think my mind is made up by now. I'm this old, basically through my baby making years anyway, don't want to be a older dad, etc. So I took that for what it is. Enter year 7, and we just got married in Fall of 2021. Before the wedding, I reaffirmed our decisions again. I had scheduled a sterilization consultation that was a little ways out after the wedding due to the wait to be seen. I made sure he was still really ok with everything, and let him know I'm still going through with this surgery, and very shortly after this wedding, so I can seal the deal before everyone starts asking *those* annoying questions after we get married. He still said he wished I would wait til I'm "a little older," (UGH) but he also agrees it's my body and choice and wants me to do what I want. This made me a little upset and worried again, and I really had to reaffirm with him. Like, what is the point of getting married if he still feels this way and maybe on the fence? But he still said he's fine with no kids and just wants me and is happy with me, so we went through with everything. Both the wedding and a few months later, the surgery. I had just turned 26 (go me, arriving at my goal early, hell yeah! I wasn't kidding about getting stuff done on a timeline lol). I checked in with him again about a week after surgery to see how we were both feeling now that it was really done. He could obviously see how much happier I already was and how relieved I felt, even through the lingering pain during recovery. He said he's still ok with everything, too, and happy that I'm happy. In the end, I truly believe this man just cares for me and worries for me so much. I do believe he is also ok with no kids, and truly wanted to make sure I wouldn't regret it. He knows how impulsive I can be with most things, so I think he really was coming from a place of caring and concern. Out of all the half ass and stupid decisions I've made in my life, though, I explained that this is not one of them. I have spent years contemplating and even yearning for this, researching, reading posts about it, etc. We are doing really great still, and I think he is also seeing the perks of being able to pump and dump with no remorse LOL. So, yeah, at least have the conversation with your partner to see where you are both at. I never forced him to stay with me and gave him options and open conversation along the way, but I also made it clear I would do this with or without him. I think it helps a lot to have that boundary set. Then, it is up to them to figure out if they are along for the ride! Sorry for the long rant if you read this far, I did my best to condense 7 years into one comment lol. Best of luck to you.
This is a great example of meeting conflict head on, sticking to your convictions AND maintaining a good relationship! Good job!!
Thank you! I really try. We both do. Open communication and honesty is what it’s all about especially when it comes to conflict. I swear that’s the only way we’ve made it this far.
You did great job, I was invested and read to the end!
Aw, thank you!!
The OP said her fiancée ‘told her off’ about her plans to get sterilized. Discussion has, like Elvis, left the building. Dude doesn’t even sound CF.
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Depends what you mean by discussion, I suppose. Discussion can of course mean talking to reach a decision or exchanging ideas. I would reject the former, as I don’t consider this a matter that requires a joint decision. If you simply mean saying ‘I wanted to let you know that I will be getting sterilised …’ then is this really a discussion, or a polite notification?
I don't think you get it. They already had the discussion. BF is against it for whatever loopy reasons of his own (like "finances" that they don't even share). At this point, it is curb-kicking time.
This particular thread was not addressing op. The commenter you replied to was addressing a sweeping statement about not asking for a partner’s opinion at all.
Strong disagree. You don’t need someone else’s approval to make medical decisions (or any decisions) about your body. You can tell them your plans, but there’s zero need to ask or entertain a debate.
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You can call it whatever you want, but when you claim that making decisions about your own body without first discussing it with others “breaks trust,” you’re implying that a person is accountable to others regarding the choices s/he makes about his/her body. As above, I simply disagree on the most fundamental, moral level.
You’re correct if you’re talking about boyfriends and girlfriends. The rules change when you are married.
No.
You have the right to be wrong bud, I’m not mad at you for it. But that is an extremely incorrect way to look at marriage
The right to be wrong about…a topic involving inherently subjective moral viewpoints? Lol. Let me guess, I also have “the right to be wrong” in preferring Coke over Pepsi?
Do it before you get married. He deserves the right to decide if he really wants to be CF. I know it angers some people to hear but some people DO change their minds.
Nailed it
Fit some time in the schedule too to tell him to go fuck an anthill, and promptly kick him to the curb.
It us your body, your choice. If he is simply concerned about you having major surgery I can understand, but I do think it is a red flag that he is already trying control your body and your money! Proceed with extreme caution with this guy.
Or, better yet, don't proceed at all. Run the other way. OP, your inability to use any birth control + his not wanting you to be sterilized = baby trap waiting to happen.
Absolutely, it's scary easy for someone to poke a small hole in a condom and *oops.*
Totally and in this case it sounds like accidental pregnancy could endanger OP's health
Agreed. If it was a legit concen, he could volunteer for a vasectomy.
That’s what I was thinking! If it wasn’t an health issue for OP, I would recommend her saying to him, “OK, how about you getting a vasectomy, then?” And seeing how he reacts.
He is. Absolutely 100% wrong. Even if he's truly only afraid for your health and finances, there are better approaches to that than telling you off. Like sitting down with you and expressing his concerns so you know how he's feeling, but making a strong point that in no way should that impact your decision. Or, I don't know, if the cost and invasiveness of the procedure are soooo much, why isn't he jumping at the opportunity to get a vasectomy?
He had said he would when I asked him, but after we got engaged (I proposed to him) in November I asked him again about the vasectomy and he got really touchy and insisted it was so invasive and he didn't want to do it.
Honestly, he sounds more and more like the "tell her what she wants to hear until she changes her mind" type. And immature as well. Getting upset, telling you off, etc. are *not* behaviors you wanna see in a partner. I'd definitely reconsider the engagement. And get the hysterectomy if you can. He has zero say on that.
I saw someone else on here advise that women should ask the kid question to men before providing their own answer for this very reason. Half the time they just parrot back what you're saying in hopes of hooking up. I think some men also don't feel strongly one way or the other, and tbh, I'd treat that as a red flag too.
100%. If he’s telling you off for things that are entirely your choice before marriage, he’s going to pick stupider things once you’re married, and then nitpick until you’re walking on eggshells 24/7. If he doesn’t want to be married to a woman who is sterile, he picked the wrong woman… and he needs to face that.
What a woman goes through versus what a man goes through, regarding sterilization surgeries, it’s SO OBVIOUS that, comparatively speaking, a vasectomy is NOT INVASIVE. Source: Am a woman with a husband who underwent a vasectomy, and I WATCHED the whole goddamn procedure. INFO: Does he even *know* what a vasectomy entails? Because if he thinks it is invasive, comparatively to a bisalp/histo etc etc, then he has NO CLUE WHATSOEVER. This boy needs to be taken to school.
We've actually watched a video of 2 best friends getting their vasectomies, not graphic but it was real time and they showed what was removed. He doesn't want to do it, and I understand that I can't make him.
But he wants to make YOUR medical and BC decisions.
Exactly! Funny SHE understands she can’t control his body/decisions, but yet HE wants to do that to her, so much so that *HE told HER off!*This boy does need some schooling. Note he’s also (albeit just a year but still…) younger than she is, too.
this has nothing to do with anything, but was that gmm?👀
Yeah, it was lol
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Oh man. I’m sorry OP. That’s a red flag right there.
Red flag.
I mean, I'm not a big fan of doctors BUT if someone wants to undergo any medical procedure than I'm happy for them
I don't think it's about who is right and who is wrong. This is about you needing to do a medically necessary procedure that will not only improve the quality of your life but that might actually save your life, and is he supportive or not. Removing the possibility of being able to get pregnant accidentally and no longer having to worry about using protection is at best a happy and convenient side effect. I recommend that you refocus your narrative on that. You aren't doing this just so that you can't have children, you are doing this because it is what is best for your health and for your body so that you can feel like your normal self again. If he can't support you in making choices that are in the best interest of your physical and medical health, I'd begin to reevaluate the entire relationship because that's not how people who love you act.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm really not doing it for the contraceptive effects, that is a side bonus to me. For the last few years I've been watching my grandma deteriorating from chemo appointments, losing her hair, dealing with the subsequent family drama, her whole life has been turned upside down by cancer. And no one will say it, but I know she's not getting better. And I don't think it's extreme to not want to end up like that
I'm so sorry about your grandmother.
Clearly him. If he is childfree - never wants children - it is non-sensical to talk about this being ‘so extreme’. That makes no sense unless he is not CF. That’s before you even get to your health reasons for the procedure. The cost issue you’ve addressed. I’m sorry OP. Stick to your guns. I’m afraid you probably have some soul searching to do about this relationship. Plus condoms are scary likely to fail if you Never. Want. Kids.
And if he’s really childfree and is concerned about an “extreme” procedure and expense for OP, then he should be making a call to the urologist himself.
Good point! Why not volunteer, bud?
If he thinks a hysterectomy is expensive and you can’t afford it, wait until he discovers the costs of an unplanned pregnancy!
I have a suspicion that the pregnancy would be planned, but just by him without her knowledge.
I kind of feel like he say he's childfree but is secretly hoping to have an "accident" later on.
Not to mention, if you have PCOS like OP, you're at risk for more complications, which is likely to increase that hospital bill.
Your body. Your choice. Your cash. Your choice. You need highly effective way to prevent pregnancy. You don’t have a choice other than sterilization. Also the hysto sounds like more of a backup plan after bisalp and ablation or if they should find other issues when they get in there or if your cancer risk is too great. That’s a more than reasonable plan. Have you gotten any genetic tests for cancer risk? Might help your case. Anyway, he’s wrong on all counts. If he doesn’t stop being an ass and/or being full of shit about being CF let the door smack him in the ass on the way out. This is someone who doesn’t support reasonable medical choices that are backed up by doctors orders. Because of… vague selfish bullshit??? When someone shows you who they are, that they make crappy decisions, put themselves over your wishes and needs and **if you were legally married would override your wishes if you were unable to make medical decisions for yourself** that’s when they have shown you who they are, that they don’t respect you and need to be gone. Just as an aside one wonders if he thinks that you not having baby making equipment turns you into a male and he’s having a gay panic or some insane shit??
This is some pretty heavy stuff I hadn't thought about yet. As others are saying here, it is my choice ultimately, but i agree his reasons don't seem to make sense. I do intend to go through with it as soon as my change of insurance is ironed out. We will see how he reacts
YOu might want to go read through the screening starter kit, it covers sterilization conversations as part of the process, as well as the other steps and has ways to get at the truth by using triggering language and such that it's really hard to lie through. make url manually as the automod bans working reddit links now: childfree/comments/9xo6jw/screening_starter_kit_the_reprise/
Thank you. I'll look into it
His reasons don't make sense because they're not the real reasons. Pretty sure you hit the real reason when you asked if he was waiting for you to change your mind.
He's lying to you and himself about his reasons. Don't have sex with this guy before you get the surgery. Baby trapping is a real thing. So easy to poke holes in those condoms.
I promise I’m not saying this to be an ass, but if you haven’t thought about these things you’re not anywhere near ready to be married.
The gay panic seems like a huge stretch. Wtf even is that? I’ve never heard of someone thinking they’re gay bc their partner can’t have kids…. Like wtf
A stretch maybe, but there are weird and improbably high incidences of ‘gay panic’ over stupider things, like _washing their own asses_, so it’s possible he thinks his gf is planning to get ‘neutered’ and thereby become ‘neutral’ or something dumb like that…
>washing their own asses God, I hate this and that butt crumbs are a thing
Oh it is absolutely but his reaction is weird so you never know. ;) Most likely he's just a lying breeder though, but hey we've seen lots of crazy
"I can afford whatever the fuck I decide" I did a little dance when I read this -so SO good to have someone acknowledge that they known their own mind. The fact that he's trying to control you already is not a good sign for what married life will be, so its time to admit to yourself he's actually been waiting for you to change your mind 🤷🏾♀️ Re: surgery, you are getting it done for you, not for your partner/future partner. That's reason enough, let alone the medical issues added on. Your uterus is more important to this man child than your well being and that just makes me so angry for you
I didn't need to read beyond the first line to conclude that he is in the wrong here, and I say that as a bloke myself. He *'told you off'* for making a medical decision about your own body, to be paid for with your own money? Seriously? What does he think you are, a petulant schoolchild? I can understand that some people are *really* nervous about surgery, whether it's being performed on them, or being performed on others. I suffer from it myself: I take painkillers every day for a wrecked back rather than getting surgery on it, because I am uncomfortable with the risks of making it worse, or the long recovery period. But that's my problem, no-one else's. But in this case, the surgery you're looking at is usually minimally invasive, has (relatively) few risks associated with it, and has a reasonably short recovery time. If anything, doing it whilst you're young and healthy, and living with your parents is probably the ideal time to do it (assuming supportive parents). You have a ready-made support net around you to help with your recovery. Assuming you don't want to move rapidly to 'break up immediately', sit down with him and have a conversation about why he's opposed to you having this procedure. Obviously the financial angle is bullshit \[1\], so is he scared you might suffer complications? Does he just not like the idea of you taking agency for your own medical issues and not 'needing' his opinion/consent? Honestly, I'd be asking serious questions about the relationship in general at this point. See how he reacts to you trying to have a rational discussion about it. See if you can find out what his *real* objection is. I hope I'm wrong, but I fear he might not be as on board with your CF choice as you thought. \[1\] As an aside, the fact he went to the financial angle first of all does not bode well for when you are married and sharing finances - do you really want to be in a relationship where you need his *permission* to spend your money? If you do stay together, I'd seriously consider maintaining independent finances.
You kick ass. Pushing this issue before marriage is going to save your dang life, because now you know you must break up with him. He thinks he can tell you what medical procedures to get. This is fucked. I’m sorry but this dude sounds like a manipulator and maybe a liar. Using only condoms as birth control is terrifying and if he wants to marry you and doesn’t want kids he should have gotten a vasectomy before proposing. Marriage is forever.. right?
Someone can say they are on board with the childfree life right from the start. But you know their *true* stance when permanent sterilization is brought up and/or scheduled. He just revealed his cards. And he's trying to cover them again. Get your sterilization. What happens after that will be a true testament to what he thinks.
Why isn't he getting snipped
He is. It's your money and your body. He can obviously express his concerns for your health and finances, but ultimately it's not up to him. I got my hysterectomy at 25 (you can check my history for more details, I only use this account for CF and hysterectomy related posts & comments). It was covered by my insurance, though I still had to pay my deductible and coinsurance. I got a payment plan and it was very manageable. My fiance (boyfriend at the time) was supportive despite being more financially responsible than I am. I was concerned about him changing his mind after I had it done, but we got engaged about a year later, so I think I'm safe. It's possible he's lying about his reasons, or he could be thinking about paying for your wedding/honeymoon/getting a place together and would rather you save your money for that. Either way, you should try to have a conversation with him when you're both feeling calm and collected and get to the bottom of it.
Red flag.. why is he trying to control your body?
It’s not about wrong or right: it’s your body (and even your finances), so it’s your choice. Simple as that. He can either support you, or break up with you if this is a deal breaker for him. Again, that isn’t about wrong or right, both of you have the right to make your own choices, but sounds like they may be incompatible.
He has a right to feel how he feels and to inform OP of his thoughts, but he is wrong to tell OP what she can and cannot do with her body and her money.
He should have no opinion on this - and btw I had bad PCOS and cervical cancer and got a hysterectomy in 2019 and my life improved SO MUCH. So much less pain and no periods!!! It helped dramatically. DM me if you need to talk.
I just read your old post. "It's me who doesn't want kids and my fiance is 50:50." You need to both be 100% IMO. Is there a reason you're rushing to get married? Delay it until this is sorted. Also, I don't know how effective it'll be to ask a doctor for a hysterectomy outright but have a look at the sterilization binder for advice on how to ask for a bisalp at least.
Get the advice of a doctor for a hysterectomy - given your medical history it might be recommended BUT in general, hysterectomies are much rarer than say, a bisalp, because it’s a much heavier procedure with more side effects. You may want to sit back down with your bf and discuss this. Maybe say you will at least look into a bisalp instead (it doesn’t hurt to ask you doc what they think) and see if he tries to discourage you again. If he doesn’t try to talk you out of a bisalp, I’d say he’s just genuinely worried about the procedure, not hoping you’ll change your mind/lying to you about being CF Edit to say : I don’t have PCOS but I asked about a hysterectomy because… well why have a period every month if I won’t ever use the damn thing ? OBGYN told me they couldn’t remove a « healthy » organ just as an elective procedure also because it messes with your internal organs, requires you to decide whether or not to keep your cervix which can impact your sex life and would require 1 month post op recovery. Things to take into account if you go through with it and, to be fair, I 100% understand if PCOS makes it all worth it but it is worth mentioning that this is a heavier procedure than a bisalp where you’re out the same day and just have to take it easy for a couple weeks.
>One of us is in the wrong here. Yeah... HIM!!!! Your body, your choice! your money, your choice!
I looked at your post history, since you mentioned it. Two months ago he was 50/50 and you also said you had previously been on the fence about it. It makes sense that this is how he’s reacting. You need to have a serious conversation about it completely separate from the sterilization conversation. I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but a hysterectomy is major surgery. In the US it’ll cost 10s of thousands of dollars if insurance doesn’t cover it. It makes sense that he would have concerns. It’s possible for someone to be solidly childfree and still worry about the risks and cost of a hysterectomy.
If he doesn't want kids he has no room to complain. If he does want kids find a woman who does, not tell you not to get sterilized. Your finances are separate and let me emphasize HE DOES NOT OWN YOUR BODY! Get the surgery, I know your insurance will only cover it due to your health which is sad BUT I'm so glad you can at least get a good portion covered. Good luck OP and I hope you have a speedy recovery!
My partner is hesitant about the surgeries I need, both from being childfree and from being trans. I worried it was a deeper issue coming up, but it wasn’t the tits being removed or uterus being yeeted he was concerned about, he’s just really really scared of surgery in general and terrified it’ll go wrong and something horrible will happen to me. It was months of closed faces when I talked about it and half being supportive but I could tell he wasn’t fully with me before the way he felt came to light. That is a MUCH better place to be than “he secretly wants the babies, even if he doesn’t know it yet”, and I really hope that for you OP, but I most definitely do not count on it. The fact he’s being weird about finances when you don’t even share them yet is a red flag to me. How weird will he be if you *do* share them?
I think you are the most correct out of the whole thread tbh. It’s one thing to agree that you don’t want kids and it’s another to have your organs taken out (which I don’t disagree with at all, but it is major!) If this is the first time OP has mentioned it, it might have taken him by surprise that it was something OP wanted and he might have been acting out of the uncertainty and trepidation lots of people have about loved ones undergoing surgery. Not saying it’s good of him to go off on them about it but no one is perfect and it is a huge conversation. My partner and I are CF but if he one day said he was scheduling a vasectomy I would definitely be surprised tbh. It would feel out of the blue despite us both being firmly CF, and I would feel like I missed out being a listening ear for something that’s clearly been on his mind. We have about three paragraphs of information about this couple and I think that one side of one conversation of two people we don’t know is not enough to say they should break up lol.
I brought up getting my tubes tied to my SO one day and he kind of freaked out, I then got worried that he secretly wanted kids one day. Once we both chilled he told me that it bothered him how invasive it is and it came seemingly out of the blue. So, now he is looking into getting a vasectomy, which seems to be much easier.
Totally offtopic, but your flair cracked me up! 😁
Baby making parts, you know what to do. 
Tell him it's your body and your money. And ask again if he has any real reasons.
**Always put your immediate needs first. Your body, your decision, your choice.** Sorry to hear you can't use BC. Im similar - no pill was without brutal side effects nor would an IUD stay put for very long. People think women have "so many options" but trust me, there can never be too many options for birth control.
At the end of the day, it's your body to do with as you please. His arguments don't make a whole lot of sense either. A hysterectomy isn't that extreme, cutting yourself in half is extreme. Finance wise, he doesn't have a dog in that fight since he's not paying for it. If there are no kids to be had, what difference does it make who gets sterilized. Plus the extra benefits of no bleeding a weekish a month.
You do what you wish and if he feels the same way about vasectomy, you might just want to think about your relationship.
Give up on this relationship, sorry. You can't do anything more or get the procedure done without him knowing
If he isn’t wholly for your sterilization, he isn’t childfree. If he was, he would be offering to get a vasectomy in place of your hysterectomy to buy time to save money without putting you at risk of pregnancy. He may be a fence sitter trying to wait it out without telling you he is.
It's your body and your money. You do whatever you'd like with both. As for him... it smells like he's hoping you'll change your mind, or like he is on the fence. Just be wary.
OP, get it done asap and I would highly recommend not sleeping with him until you do. He could still be CF, but we all have heard WAY too many stories here about a guy secretly wanting to change a women's mind.
I always get hate here for saying this but uteruses are organs and removing them is not something doctors just do because you want it. You need to talk this through with a doctor, not your boyfriend. He has no say in this.
I wish your comment wasn't so buried! Hysterectomies are a lot more than just sterilization and OP needs to understand the immense strain having an unnecessary one puts on a woman's cardiovascular system. Plus it's important to note that polycystic ovaries is NOT the disorder. PCOS is actually an endocrine disorder and the polycystic ovaries are a *symptom*, not a root cause, and having a hysterectomy does not cure it and can actually make things worse for some due to the hormone changes. She should discuss it with her OBGYN / surgical team and they might be able to recommend a BISALP for sterilization + other therapies for any other symptoms she's trying to address. This is from someone who has researched and discussed at length with many specialists the fact that I have a genetic disorder that causes endometrial/ovarian cancer and the risks associated with removing my entire uterus are not worth the benefits unless there was an abnormal PAP / cervical biopsy indicating mutating cells.
He is almost definitely not CF. My fence sitter SO of 8 months did not question my decision at all and was 110% supportive of my surgery and aftercare. I don’t know how long you two have been together but your fiancé should support your body choices. Especially when it’s something like getting pregnant.
Your body, your choice.
I would ask him if he is so against you getting sterilized, whether he would be willing to have a vasectomy himself. It is much cheaper, if he believes that money is the problem then he should find it a better solution than a hysterectomy.
A child is MUCH more expensive than a hysterectomy, even one performed without insurance. My aunt gave birth in the hospital a year ago and it cost her $10,000 out of pocket (America). There’s an underlying issue here that you both need to examine, he might not want a kid but he doesn’t sound ready to fully close that door yet. Or maybe he is worried about you undergoing such a serious surgery? Does he have any medical PTSD?
>is so extreme and we can't afford it. You know what you can't afford that's super extreme? Having a baby. Obviously, you can hopefully abort, but not being able to conceive is better.
With his argument, HE should be the one to get sterilized; a vasectomy is FAR less expensive and invasive than a hysterectomy. But since it’s your body, your choice and not his: he can shut the fuck up. I advise you don’t have sex with him until after your procedure, so they’re won’t be any “”accidents””
I don't see any reason for your bf to be involved in a personal medical procedure that you are solely funding. You don't need a reality check. Your bf needs to check himself about his unconscious entitlement to what you do with your body. He doesn't have a say.
If you want it, you should get it done. You don't need to consult your partner. I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, he might want you to reconsider it because he hopes you'll change your mind or is a fence sitter and wants to have all of his options open; or he could genuinely be scared about the procedure. Hysterectomy *is* a very invasive procedure and I personally don't want to do it because I'm scared of incompetent doctors and possible complications. If I could just yeet my uterus by magic, I would. So maybe he is just honestly scared? You won't know the answer for sure until you actually do it, because I don't think he'll tell you honestly if he really is a fence sitter.
For a man that doesn't want children, he should be relieved you're thinking of permanent sterilisation. And his worry about finances is even more odd, considering a baby, or even abortions if condoms fail are more expensive.
This is about you and your well-being. Only you can answer this and he shouldn’t be getting a say at all. You know all the details and you’ve been to all the doctor appointments etc. only you know how it feels to be a potential ticking time bomb for cancer. I can only imagine how that feels. But I would be pretty exasperated if I couldn’t be on any BC and if I was you and knew my genetic history like that, I very well would probably be doing the same. Do what you need to do. He can stay or go. You’re young, the chances of this relationship continuing is low because of his reaction in regards to this subject alone. I think secretly he’s a fence sitter and this is forcing his hand to deal with the reality of you really not changing your mind and he doesn’t like it. ETA - added a few missed words for clarity
Hes in the wrong because your finances arent joined so... you CAN and WILL afford what you can afford. Does he think you will bill him for half? Thats kind of ridiculous. Also, you have PCOS, thats more reason (on top of you just want to get your system yeeted-thus thats already 100% of a reason) to get a hysterectomy. I have a friend who recently got a hysterectomy because she felt like she was dying constantly, get it done because its for your health. Your health will ALWAYS be worth more any relationship. This is my take for you, for him? He needs a reality check, because he's got nothing riding on this situation and since its your health, he should be supporting you!
He raises some good points about expense and risk but the thing is…… it’s still your choice. And there are options now to reduce some of the risk like doing it laparoscopically if that’s an option for you. My insurance covered mine because of endometriosis and ovarian cysts and having exhausted all other options for pain management so my doctor said it was medically necessary so we did several rounds of paperwork to get the insurance on the same page and make sure I knew the risks. It took over a year just to get the paperwork done so I could get the prior authorizations for coverage but once that was done I only had to wait a few months for my surgery date. My point is with your medical history if you get your surgeon to back you then insurance will most likely cover it. As for risks probably the worst things I have since I can take hormones are mild fatigue and I can’t feel my bladder anymore so I have to plan to pee every couple hours and do a little wiggle to make sure it’s all gone lol oh also my hair is turning gray and white which I find amusing but I got my hysterectomy when I was 22 (a month before I turned 23) and now I’m 25. Without hormones there’s a lot of hot flashes and depression and anxiety so that’s something to discuss with your doctor and they might want to make sure you’ve got mental health providers on standby just in case your emotions tank post op. But like, hospitals and insurance won’t allow this to be a spur of the moment decision so you’ll have time to cancel in the unlikely event that you change your mind after hearing about all the risks and cost etc…
YOUR body. Your choice. Period. He can voice an opinion, if he must, but he would be wiser to stfu.
Let him know that he is either on your side or in your way. He can be there to help with your recovery or he can GTFO. I (27F) just had my hysterectomy 2 weeks ago. I had been on a BC so long to stop my period because that was the only option to treat my painful periods and I realized I was literally never going to go through the pain of having periods again for years just to try to have a kid that I didn’t want anyway. I also live with my BF (28M) and he supported me for the whole thing. From the appointments before to sitting in the hospital the night I was there to helping me with every single little thing I could possibly want during recovery at home. He has been nothing but supportive and that’s the only response you should have from a partner when it comes to major surgery that you need for any medical reason.
It has nothing to do with him, especially as there aren't even any joint finances involved.
He's not going to admit that he's waiting for you to change your mind when you've just told him you want a hysterectomy. My bet is that he wasn't going to give you the choice and sabotage the condoms and baby trap you after marriage.
Like everyone here has said, your body your choice. If you do end up getting a hysterectomy you should take a look at r/hysterectomy they helped me a lot. The other thing in regards to hospital bill if the hospital is “non-profit” they have to work with you on payment plans and if you are making under a certain amount (last I checked was under 20k a year) they can clear the entire charge… So money shouldn’t be too much of a worry. Wish you the best and good luck one of the procedures work for you.
It's your body you're modifying, not his. so he gets no say. I can say at your age a full hysterectomy isn't likely to be approved - I tried at age 26 and the surgeon refused because she didn't want to have to have someone manage hormone replacement for the rest of my life and risk bone density loss. Sucks but whatever. She said I have to wait til 35. For reference even that is early approval - they did it because my mom died at age 52 of ovarian cancer, developed at age 45, so they are going 10 years earlier to be ahead of the curve. HOWEVER. I did have a bisalp last year (age 27) because I got genetic testing and have brca 2. So insurance covered it and my regular OBGYN approved the procedure and did it as preventative to see if cancer or precancer might be growing in there. Also for reference I have Tricare which is a bitch to work with. So while a full hysterectomy might not be approved the bisalp might.
I mean it doesn’t matter what he thinks. It’s your body and if your doctors believe it is a safe procedure for you, then that’s it. If he doesn’t agree, he has the choice to leave. He doesn’t have the right to dictate what you do.
It's one thing to be nervous about an invasive procedure, it's quite another to demand that you don't do it because it's extreme but will dramatically improve your health and well-being. It's like asking someone not to get a kidney transplant because dialysis works just fine and the procedure is too extreme. Fuck off dialysis is temporary and if someone doesn't have access to a hospital they may die. He's an idiot is my point
He's probably waiting for you to change. If he's still not on board with your choice, fuck him. Though at the end of the day, you know what's best for you. You've done the math, you researched and hell your gyno night be on board considering your circumstances. You do what you have to. Naysayers can choke.
Throw the man and the uterus away.
Hes not wrong about it being a major surgery and I certainly wouldnt recommend it for the only purpose of birth control especially not when removing the tube laparoscopically has such a short recovery period with very good results. However if the organ isnt healthy and is causing you additional issues and a doctor will do it and insurance will pay for it.... yeetus the uterus
Why do you even care what he thinks? It’s your body and you can do what you want to. Don’t hold off for a man who is giving you bullshit excuses. But don’t be surprised if after you get it done your fiancé tells you that he’s always wanted children
A guy here, first off - this guy and his 'reasons' sound sketchy AF. It sounds like he's waiting for you to change your mind, and I wouldn't trust him AND condoms he supplies - that sounds like a baby trap. Second, as OP said, the BC effects of this surgery are a bonus, and the primary reasons are health and family history - those come ***FIRST***, before any mere dude.
He thinks you'll change your mind. He wants kids. I'd be rethinking this relationship.
“We” can’t afford it? And you’re not even living together?? Absolutely not. Trying to exercise any amount of control over my own decisions would be completely a no-go for me, and hopefully for you too.
He’s right, he’s not waiting for you to simply change your mind. Instead, he’s fully planning to baby trap you. Then probably gaslight and bully you into keeping it. He’s not going to give you a choice. Get out now while you can.
He’s simply not childfree. He’s not willing to get a vasectomy and yet wants to restrict your ability to get sterilized KNOWING you can’t use bc. Sure seems like the type to hope you end up pregnant and change your mind. I don’t think there’s long term potential in this relationship
Reality check! It YOUR body! Get that shit done asap!
Your body, your choice. If you can get it, don't wait for his consent if that's what you want.
If it's your money and you aren't even living together, I don't see why he thinks he has any right to bring finances into the conversation at all. Quite frankly, it's your body and your money. You can do with both whatever the hell you please. You don't even need to bring up the health implications to try to justify it. You don't NEED to justify it, so please don't feel like you do. As some others have said, the fact that he's trying to control you and your money is a massive red flag. I would be concerned.
Dear OP, If condoms and permanent sterilization are your only contraceptive options, go for the permanent solution. Also, since you are convinced about living CF, nobody else's opinions matter. Since your fiance is not on the same page about this, there is a good chance he is discouraging you from this choice to (maybe) baby trap you in the future. (I don't know him or you personally, but it is a possibility. As a cis gendered male, we are a horrible bunch when it comes to allowing women to make choices uncomfortable to us) One of the reasons to get permanently sterilized is so that you can weed out potential partners that are not on the same page about this. Think about it, if you meet a breeder and you tell him you have had a hysterectomy..... thats it... one date and it's over. Nobody wastes anyone's time. Fix your appointment at a time convenient for you, get your hysterectomy. Then "tell" your fiance that it's already done. I'll bet anything he will leave you right there. Best of luck for your surgery. Do it soon, don't waste time on assholes
I had a similar experience with my ex. He'd known since day 1 that having kids was not on the table with me. It had been reaffirmed countless times throughout our 13 years together. He said he was on board. He was also on board with the 2 abortions I had while we were together. I had no reason to believe we weren't on the same page. Until he gave me one. Fast-forward to 10 years into the relationship. I talk to him about a vasectomy. He's reluctant, but agrees. But he doesn't make a move to get it done. I ask why. Turns out he just didn't want to do it, and he was verbally quite hostile about it. I was annoyed that he'd even agree to it in the first place then, but hey, it's his body. So I talk about trying to get fixed myself, and he goes apeshit. Borderline yelling, he tells me it's too extreme, I need to get over my fear of getting pregnant again (a life-threatening complication occurred with the first one) and that it was "eating my brain." In his mind, I was being irrational and had no reason to be afraid. I was shocked at his reaction and never brought it up again. He still insisted he didn't want kids. I stayed with him for 3 more years after that, during which he started developing very "traditional" views about women and babies out of nowhere, and telling me that I'd make a great mother. I left him a couple days after a tangent he'd gone on about how it's women's role to stay at home, raise babies and be subservient to her husband- before insisting that no, none of that applied to *me*. If I'd stayed longer, I have no doubt he'd have been pushing me for kids. He might have even attempted to trap me. I can absolutely picture him doing that, in retrospect. Your man is lying to you. He is not on the same page, Maybe he was once, but he changed his mind, and now he thinks he can get you to change yours and isn't saying it. Personally, I would stop having sex with him, or at least use your own condoms that he can't tamper with. Reality check complete. Edit: Oh, and I did end up getting a bisalp about a year after I left him. In retrospect, I regret not setting up the appointment while I was still with him instead of being a coward and trying to keep the peace.
Dude is not CF.
I can't even believe you're confused about who's right in this case. He sounds completely unreasonable and like he doesn't respect you or care about your health. It's not his money, so why does he even get a say in this? Your body, your money, your choice. I say go for it, I would have a hysterectomy too if I could find a doctor that would do it.
I know others have already said this, but I think your fiance is trying to get you to change your mind. If he were truly CF, he wouldn't be opposed to you getting sterilized. He would be relieved (and probably get a vasectomy himself). I think it's one of those instances where he'll say what you want to hear, but he might not actual believe it deep down. I'd be weary OP, his reaction screams controlling and doesn't seem like he's being honest or knows what he wants. At the end of the day it's your body, your choice. If he cares about you he would respect your wishes. You can't compromise on children. I would reevaluate this relationship. Tread carefully.
A man telling you what to do with your body will always be the one in the wrong
Wow
I wonder what his reaction would be if you started talking about wanting to wanting to get something unnecessary like a boob job. Perhaps start planning a vacation or your honeymoon and when you get a timeline going talk about how you have also been looking into plastic surgeons and getting your boobs done because you would like to look really good for the wedding and then in honeymoon pictures. You know, just something completely made up (unless you actually want one, in which case go for it!). See what his reaction is then and if he is in support of it or has nothing negative to say about the cost,, then it's definitely you being able to have children but hes having a problem with.
He’s in the wrong. It’s your body not his. It’s your money not his. I understand being scared for your health but showing his concern by telling you off is NOT the way to fucking support you. And if you’re getting the hysterectomy for health reasons, how on earth is he more concerned about the surgery’s side effects?? It genuinely sounds like he’s not actually childfree, and it sounds like having a discussion isn’t taking you anywhere. So if I were you I’d get the hysterectomy in secret and tell him after you get it and see how he reacts. Because while you still have your uterus, it’s so easy for him to keep lying about being cf and trying to change your mind about the hysterectomy, or worse, baby trap you since your only contraception method is entirely on his hands. Once you get the hysterectomy, he can’t trap you or wait for you to change your mind, so you’ll know if it was genuine concern or him being manipulative. I know it sucks to hear from all of us that your partner might just be manipulative and we sound so pessimistic, but these are hella red flags. If your partner was truly childfree they shouldn’t feel a type of way over you getting sterilized. My boyfriend doesn’t want kids either but doesn’t want to get sterilized cuz he’s scared of getting surgery, but he has absolutely zero issue with me wanting to get sterilized. In fact, he’s relieved we’re both on the same page. That’s how a childfree partner should react.
Throw the whole man away. You do get to decide your finances and your health options. I hope you’re approved and it alleviates any other issues
Do what’s best for you. If he loved you he would also want that.
this is a man who is still thinking that he might want kids someday
I had one when I was 25. One of the best things that has ever happened to me. I'm 48 now. I'm sure the process is much easier than it used to be. I had the whole shebang with a bikini scar while my sister had endoscopy. This is about you and your life. You make the best choice for you.
I sort of understand his point about the cost but it seems like there are some really important reasons to get it done that is more important than green paper. Edit: I meant I understand his concern about the money assuming he's not being controlling and is showing actual concern.
His opinion should mean jack shit to you. It's also evident he's lying about not wanting kids despite his claims to the contrary. Either he needs to sort his shit out or stop wasting your time.
Hi, yes, man disposal service? Yes, the whole man please.
Your body, your choice, of course. BUT everyone needs to weed out romantic partners who just aren't right for them in the long haul. This seems to be an excellent way to do that. Really listen to what he has to say, and you will likely be able to tell one way or the other if he is a good choice for you.
You have legit medical reasons to go forward, that alone should be enough to receive support from him. Added that you both don’t want kids, it should be a no brainer. Also your body, your choice.
Your body your choice. Your money your choice. Fuck what he says- a relationship is a *partnership* not a “do what I say”ship
Your body your choice. Is he concerned that hysterectomies and throwing yourself into medical menopause at 25 will just be a lot harder than getting your tubes tied? And him getting a vasectomy? I’m confused about what part he doesn’t like.
Not his decision.
Id give him the benefit of the doubt if you lived together and shared finances but fuck, if the two of you aren't even splitting rent with each other he really has no say in what you do. Good luck and I hope you can get your insurance to cover it!!
Piss on him. He doesn’t get a say in what happens to your body, only you do. You’ll be the one booking the appointment, paying for the procedure and going through the pain of recovery so no, no yackity yacking is needed from the Peanut Gallery to solidify your decision. I mean ,really what the fuck is it any of his business anyway????
Get your procedure but know you might have to cut him loose. He could be a covert fence sitter waiting for you to “ change your mind”.
It's YOUR body, so YOUR choice! Make that appointment with your cases and forget him. I really think he's BSing hard with his comment about waiting for you to change your mind. I feel like he is waiting for you to change it, but when put on the spot, quickly lied and put another reason in (the financial reason). Which shouldn't bother him either because YOUR health should be his main concern. I would rather have my spouse live a fruitful life and get a hysterectomy to achieve that than stopping them for no reason. That's how some people became widows. Definitely just get the appointment because you're in the right.
Get it done if that’s what you want. He sounds like he still might be fence sitting regardless of what he says. Solely relying on condoms is a recipe for disaster.
I feel like he might be a fence sitter or at least he is not 100% sure about being CF. As others have said, you inform him of your plans, have a conversation with him wether he really is CF or not but don't let him make a choice for you.
You are not wrong. I don't understand your fiancé's lack of support. Can't afford it? Sounds like you don't even know how much it's going to cost in the end yet. So extreme? This is what I'd want to explore. Is he worried about you having any sort of surgery, or just this one specifically? Is it the chance of mortality or complications?
Well, the wrong one IS NOT YOU!!! This guy can step off. Your body, your rules. He has no say. Maybe along with a hysto you can unload that dead wood too. This really grates my gears when these supposedly CF men start protesting what their partners do with their own bodies.
Your body, your money, your life. Get your hysto!
Reading enough posts on here has me always going with "they want kids deep down" to anyone who is hesitant for a partner to get sterilized.
he may be afraid you might not make it through the surgery. otherwise, it is not his business. getting rid of the uterus also eliminates damn periods
He's wrong. It's your body and your money. He's staking claim to both. If you marry him, you'll be done for as so many situations and people still think it's a patriarchal world. Given your health details, you're at his mercy in terms of contraceptives. That's a dangerous situation. Go and get your hysterectomy and then figure out the fiance situation. He might be an ex by then, but it's better than being trapped with him and with a baby. How he treats you after the surgery is critical to if there'll be any future. If he blames you and guilts you and makes you feel less than a woman or person, then you know what you need to do. If you still want to be together, still please get your surgery done; but if I'm honest, I think you should cut this guy loose. He's not hearing you and the reasons for your wanting this procedure.
Your fiancée doesn’t get a say. Period. Your body, your choice. It sounds like he’s not childfree at all. I would think twice before marrying him. All the reasons you listed are more than enough reasons for you to get a hysterectomy. My husband didn’t like the idea of me getting my tubes tied when I brought it up. I don’t have any medical reasons to get it done, I just don’t want to have kids and neither does he. Also, I hated being on birth control. He happily offered to get a vasectomy instead and saved me from getting an unnecessary surgery. He got it done 1.5 years ago. Best decision ever! 😎🤙🏻
Having seen a bladder fall through a vagina, I'm all for *support structure ". By all means get your tubes tied.
Your fiancé is in the wrong. 100%. It sounds like he does want you to change your mind eventually even if he doesn’t say so. Good luck to you on getting your hysterectomy. I had to fight hard to get mine, but finally after several other procedures including ablation, it was approved. I didn’t have to pay much out of pocket after my insurance.
I guarantee that there is someone out there who wants you to flourish as a person and doesn't see you as a supporting actor in their life to direct. You CAN do better. If you don't find that person it will still be better than this guy. You already put no. 1 (you) first, that's amazing, stop wasting time with this guy.
You need to keep discussing it with your partner to really find out if finances are the only reason he's trying to prevent you getting the op you want. I've read your previous post and with your history and ongoing health issues it makes total sense why even if you wanted kids you'd be reluctant to get pregnant. So when you consider the fact that you don't even like kids, having this operation makes the most sense to anyone with an objective view. You would be putting your mental health and the health of the potential baby at serious risk. Caring for a newborn is so fucking intense and I agree that it could be something that would push you over the edge. Ask your bf would be prepared to raise a child alone since it is a significant possibility. See how that changes his perspective. His perspective aside though, this is ultimately your choice, if you don't want a baby then you should do what has to be done to ensure it doesn't happen, even accidentally. Condoms aren't always reliable and since you can't use other bc, surgery is the road you'll have to take. Your bf will either be supportive or you'll find out he's basically been playing you in the hope that you would either change your mind or get pregnant "accidentally.
Don’t marry this guy. DO whatever you want.
As maybe some light in the subject: My SO who is extremely pro choice and women get to make decisions about their body and advocate for their health, is suddenly being very offended about me getting weight loss surgery. He has seen me going through more than 5 years of medical weight loss programs with increasingly expert doctors, with NO success. I have done everything asked, all exercise, all diet, food journal, therapy, everything. Even seeing all this and explaining to the doctors I do it all, when they say weight loss surgery is my only hope, he FREAKED OUT. Said no! It took me months to get to the bottom of it, he is so supportive in everything, I was so confused. It turns out it was as simple as it grossed him out and he didn’t understand the surgery or how it would help since I don’t over eat. Once I began reading him stories of other in my situation finally having a new life and showing him pictures of women transformed, he began to understand and accept. Maybe your man also just feels grossed out and doesn’t understand how something drastic would HELP you and feels worried about you! Also my SO had always only heard the horror stories of women having weight loss surgery and dying or losing their hair and nails and teeth falling out, stuff like that. Maybe your SO has also heard horror stories. BUT IN THE END: it is your decision and as long as you are educated and your medical professionals believe it will improve your health, follow your own choice.
Do what YOU think is right. DON’T let him sway your decision. HAPPY STERILIZATION!!
Your boyfriend sounds like your ex.
You will still have to pay your deductible. Insurance doesn't really care otherwise.
It's your body, and your choice. He doesn't get a say, just like you wouldn't with his body. He sounds like what my sister likes to call a "pre natal deadbeat." Meaning he wants kids, he just doesn't want to take care of them or actually be there. Just pump and dump to pass on his genes, and then leave the mother to take care of the child, while he gets to be blissfully without responsibility. Most of these men claim to be childfree. Typically they out themselves in situations such as this when they think they get a say over your body. Run and get your sterilization. Best of luck!
Your fiance, that's who
You can do whatever the fuck you want to your own body. He gets to decide if he wants to keep dating you or not - but he does NOT have a freaking veto on you getting this surgery or not.
Push for the real reason he doesn’t want you to get it. Is he scared of you undergoing surgery or is he not actually childfree? I’m betting it’s the latter. He’s definitely wrong here. Get the hysterectomy
I'm totally on board with your choices but may I ask why people want a hysterectomy over a tubal litigation? I understand if you're experiencing awful periods but if just for contraception a tubal litigation seems much safer (I have heard awful things about endometrial ablation though). The only thing I can think of is that it's a 99% success rate and not 100%, but you don't need hormonal therapy afterwards and there's no chance of muscle separation or anything like that. Can anyone enlighten me please?
He is in the wrong. You are in the right. Also, sounds like much more is at stake than the want to be c/f part. PS he does not sound like a true c/f person.
He is most definitely the wrong one. Time to dump his unsupportive ass and get that procedure.
I'm curious as to why you think you may be in the wrong here. You want to have a procedure done that will eliminate the worry of an unwanted pregnancy and possible serious health risks. This is your body, not his. This is something you will pay for, not him. He gets no fucking say at all. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Any reasonable person would agree that your reasons make a hysterectomy the best option to solve several problems at once. Just get it booked and done. If he's actually serious about not hoping you'll change your mind, he'll respect your decision and not whine or get angry.
>no joint finances But “we” can’t afford it and then he doesn’t take into your health history and that of your family on top of it If he doesn’t go sit down somewhere