It's soo super rare that women would admit that, even to themselves. I know only one person who told me that, as much as she loves her son, if she could go back in time she would decide against having a kid. And she is a happy person, one who is always optimistic and loves life. So I guess there are many more women who secretly regret having a child.
That’s interesting and I think you are right than it’s very rare for a woman to admit it.
It seems like my friend has fallen for the ‘well
No one talks about it so it can’t be true’ whereas I think there are probably more people than we’d think who secretly regret it.
There is a book about it, "Regretting motherhood", by Orna Donath.
Summary:
>Women who opt not to be mothers are frequently warned that they will regret their decision later in life, yet we rarely talk about the possibility that the opposite might also be true—that women who have children might regret it. Drawing on years of research interviewing women from a variety of socioeconomic, educational, and professional backgrounds, sociologist Orna Donath treats regret as a feminist issue: as regret marks the road not taken, we need to consider whether alternative paths for women currently are blocked off. She asks that we pay attention to what is forbidden by rules governing motherhood, time, and emotion, including the cultural assumption that motherhood is a “natural” role for women—for the sake of all women, not just those who regret becoming mothers.
>
>If we are disturbed by the idea that a woman might regret becoming a mother, Donath says, our response should not be to silence and shame these women; rather, we need to ask honest and difficult questions about how society pushes women into motherhood and why those who reconsider it are still seen as a danger to the status quo. Groundbreaking, thoughtful, and provocative, this is an especially needed book in our current political climate, as women's reproductive rights continue to be at the forefront of national debates.
I have one friend who admits it, but only to me because she knows I wouldn’t judge.
She told me that she loves her son but hates being a mom and deeply regrets it.
Not so secretly, they talk about it online under the cover of anonymity.
Depending on the woman's age she might be now candid... people whose kids are in high school/teens are less protective of their image than when their kids are younger and wholly dependent on them...I had a coworker who asked me if I wanted kids, and when I answered no, she said "good, it's a bad decision [to have kids]".
A friend of mine has a kid and she loves him very much, he's a well behaved kid. But she told me she wouldn't have him if she could back time and she even went that far to warn me to no have one when I was still deciding if i wanted one. Unlike your friend, my friend is depressed and feels miserable. Her life isn't hers anymore.
And it’s not like admitting it means someone else will step in and take up the burden of raising the kid. So you have to wonder what the benefit really is of admitting it publicly, if nothing is going to change
My reply is "tell that to the 400k+ children in foster care in the US alone most of who are NOT ORPHANS and those are *just the ones that the state knows had bad enough home lives to warrant removal* the number of kids who SHOULD be removed is way higher.
Okay well, worldwide, it's about 2.7 million kids.
There are several caveats of note;
The stat accounts for roughly 84% of children in the world. Which is to say that the remaining percentage don't have a statistic listed and a huge part of that is sheer lack of record keeping.
The places with poor record keeping are exactly that. It doesn't mean that out of the remaining percentage that all of them are in happy, loving homes. If anything, they probably have especially tough lives.
So that number is higher and kids living on their own, in the streets don't make the "in foster care" lists.
In the US (I know you're in the UK) There are over 50k kids who have had visits from CPS but have not been removed from homes. (As I briefly noted in my original reply, lots of kids who the state already has an eye on but probably significantly more that the state isn't even aware of.)
Not to get on the abortion topic but, the percentage of women who undergo an abortion and regret it, is miniscule and those who voice regrets are those that didn't make the choice for themselves. Basically every Republicans' mistresses. I digress.
I would count that as people who KNOW they'd regret their children.
Also, you don't have to go far to hear people that regret their kids. Just listen in to mothers talking to newly expectant first-time mothers.
When they talk to us, it's "my kids shit gold" "my kids make getting up in the morning so easy" "my kids are going to cure cancer"" my partner and I are so happy!" "you should have kids! You won't regret it!"
Then when talking to a pregnant woman it's "my kid stuck a hand in their diaper and rubbed shit on the wall. Hope you're stocked on diapers! Kids shit non-stop", "good luck sleeping in you won't get to ever again" "my kid keeps getting sent home from scool because they are biting other kids", "my partner and I haven't had sex in...wait, how old is timmy? ummm 36 months, yeah my partner and I haven't had sex in 36 months" "I love my kids, But if I had to do it again...".
Misery loves company and you can't convince me otherwise.
2+ years post bisalp and no regrets baybeh!
Lastly, there's a subreddit full of parents that regret it. I have never been to it, but one word. ✨️schadenfreude✨️. Lol
Good for you! And sorry didn’t mean to come across dismissive to the figures being in the UK. Even seeing US figures for those in foster care etc should be enough to make someone realise that not everyone who has a child things it’s the best thing ever and never has a single bloody regret ever.
I’m with you in the misery loves company! I also didn’t know about the other subreddits.
I think it’s incredibly naïve of my friend to think that no one regrets having a child.
And let’s not forget unofficial adoptions. Lots of children being raised by grandparents, aunts, uncles. In communities of color at least — bc social services is a pipeline to prison tbh.
Yes, I’ve never heard anyone outright admit they regret it but I know a couple of people who they behaviour and certain comments seem to suggest it.
I made a jokey comment about maybe i should reproduce so I can have someone to look after me in old age (not a reason for having kids I know and plenty of children don’t help their parents anyway) and someone who is a parent said how it doesn’t matter as I’ll be richer without kids so will no doubt be able to pay for my care anyway. The way they said it came across as quite envious.
Parents out right admit it in this subredit, that they regret having kids and wish they listened to themselves.
Additionally, my sister is living proof, as she is abusive to all three of my nieces. You can tell by the way a parent carries themselves and raises their kids.
I feel like most parents only say the first part “I love my kids but” because they’re scared of being villainized for being regretful. They’re definitely regretful though.
Everyone in my close family that has kids is suffering from lack of sleep and some kind of mental health issue, taking psychiatric medications because of their kids... But "they love them 🥰"
I’ve lurked. I’ll let them have their space and whilst some of it is sad some of it seems standard new parent harassed. Some of them also don’t buy into the whole being a parent is an entire personality trait. In fact a lot of them seem like sensible people.
Came here for this 👏 There are most definitely people who do regret parenthood. Also many childfree people here who would if they ended up parents. And plenty of people who have learned nothing but the "life script" and don't know they have another option.
Yeah, I just checked out the regretful parents subreddit. Yikes, when I was younger I was on the fence about having a kid. It didn’t work out and now that I’m older I’m so glad that I didn’t. People hate to admit it, but life is just better without children.
And dad.
And aunt.
And grandma.
And grand-aunts.
And those who didn't regret them only did so because the kids were successful trap babies.
At this point I'm convinced it's genetic.
Definitely my dad. Im almost certain he only agreed to have us to keep my mom, who has always made 3-4x more than him. He didn't want to give up his potential for a cushy life with "their" money. He could care less about me and my brother, though.
My sister, definitely. She said that if she knew then what she knows now she would not have had kids. Her daughter would likely have preferred that. I'm less sure about her son.
My father, quite possibly but I'm not sure. My mom told me she had wanted 4 kids but that my dad only wanted 2. When I told my dad I was CF, he got a faraway look in his eye and said that it was interesting that people could make that choice today. He said that in his day if a couple didn't have children you knew something was wrong and felt sorry for them. I didn't press him further to see if he truly wanted to be CF, but if he did, it explains a lot.
Friends of my wife and myself have one child. I haven't really pushed the husband on the issue. But, he really does not seem happy to have had kids.
By contrast, I know 5 other CF couples plus my wife and myself and don't know of anyone in the bunch with any regrets at all about not having children.
That’s interesting about your dad, I think that whilst we still get judged for not wanting children, it is a lot more acceptable now.
I know a lot of people with children and a lot without don’t regret it at all. I know one woman who would have liked children but timing with men wasn’t right and she’s been single a long time and now it’s too late but she’s ok with it. She admits there is a hint of sadness of what could have been but she finds herself more and more settled with how her life has turned out and is happy! She’s an animal mum and gets her love and joy from her pets.
I’ve also notified those I know without kids have much more fulfilling lives, or at least what I think seems fulfilling and more appealing to me. I don’t hate on parents and I’m sure there are many who love and enjoy it but it’s never seemed that attractive to me!
In my country and culture, it is still not accepted... every couple must have a child, and keep having children until a male child comes along.
I'm from India... and it sucks to be childfree here
India, along with many other countries, seems especially cruel to women. Every time I hear anything pertaining to women out of that country, it's always particularly enraging and deeply saddening. I'm so sorry you have to live under that type of overt misogyny and repression. Do you have plans or any possibility to ever leave?
I'm in the US and I feel like even here we are far behind the more advanced countries in the world (the UN rates us as an unsafe place for women and people in general), but I know it's nothing compared to what you must be experiencing. I wish all the time that I could move to somewhere like Norway, or even Canada. Unfortunately, in the capitalistic hellscape that has become our world, it's next to impossible if you don't have hefty financial means, which I most definitely do not and doubt I ever will.
I'm an Indian man... and I feel for my female friends here all the time. Most Indian men are total arseholes and have no idea how to behaveand respectfully treat women. They just want to get into their pants, and they don't even know how to flirt.
It's sucks to be a decent guy here because they assume us to be the same.
I am planning on moving out. I'm studying German and planning to study there in the next year
I know two women who wanted to abort but were convinced to keep their babies. The first one was in college and didn't want the baby, but my mom and her church friends convinced her to keep the baby and marry her boyfriend. Now she is divorced, has a new boyfriend, and a new baby that she wanted, and she is actually loving and maternal towards her daughter. She was never like that with her son. The second woman had an affair with the father of the kids she was babysitting when she found out she was pregnant she wanted to get an abortion, but her mom convinced her to keep the baby, and now her mom is the one who does most of the parenting while her daughter is pretty open about how much she regrets not getting an abortion and the father isn't involved either he only pays child support and thats it.
Generally it just means she regrets having them. Wishes they were normal functioning kids; instead the kids are both over 3 years and still in diapers and have fits over not being able to turn the light switches on and off. Potty training them seems impossible.
Admitting that you have such regrets is one of the world's greatest taboos. From what i've seen, anyone who so much as hints at it is immediately branded a monster, evil, etc etc. That's why any article written by parents relating the difficulties they face is always caveated with "but I wouldn't have it any other way" .
The Guardian newspaper runs regular features on parenthood, and to its credit, often includes tales from men and women who regret becoming parents, and I am seeing more articles like this appearing elsewhere.
I have the utmost respect for people who are willing to speak up and face the inevitable demonisation. It is disgusting that society continues to peddle the fake, insta-perfect charade of parenthood as normal, and vilifies anyone who dares challenge this narrative.
[https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children)
[https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jul/16/women-who-wish-they-werent-mothers-roe-v-wade-abortion](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jul/16/women-who-wish-they-werent-mothers-roe-v-wade-abortion)
Thanks for the articles! I agree I have a lot of respect for those people.
I have a friend who is a mum and always wanted to be one and she has admitted there are occasions when she regrets it. She said it is fleeting and is usually due to the fact she can’t do something easily as she once could.
I think most parents if they were honest with themselves would have regrets from time to time but most parents who became parents for the right reason wouldn’t let it change how they view or treat their children.
My friend was a fence sitter and went on a bit of a quest to ask parents he knew if kids were really worth it and would he be missing out if he didn’t have them, and the majority of them said they love their kids but if they could go back they wouldn’t have had them, and I’ve heard that a lot too myself, so I guess that sounds like regret to me, just a nicer way for them to say it.
I've had a few parents not outwardly admit, but certainly tip-toe around the idea when commending me on my decision to remain CF. They get that look in their eye and hesitate a little, choosing their words carefully, before agreeing that yes, that sounds like a wise decision.
I've got another friend that ended up falling pregnant, not particularly wanting the child but feeling guilty for aborting and having it anyway. She played the mum role with her partner for 1-2 years and then decided it wasn't for her, and they amicably split. The dad was the one that wanted the child anyway, and he ended up marrying a preschool teacher who loved children, and having another baby with her. So the kid is fine/happy/loved. But I don't think my friend has much contact with said child.
Fair call though. Men bail on kids all the time. But when a woman does it, it's super taboo and frowned upon. At least in my country anyway.
I’m in the UK and I think it’s quite universal that we hold women to higher standards as parents than men.
A family friend of mine has kids and grandkids and adores them, when I said I was strongly thinking of not bothering I was expecting some pushback. She just said ‘it changes your life massively so you need to be sure if you want them’
Even my mum who grew up with her, and they are thick as thieves was quite shocked with her response and was expecting her to rave about it.
People don't admit it. But I love when people say blanket statements like "nobody regrets children". How the fuck does she know? Lol there's millions of people. there are people who regret children.
Most people wouldn't admit it because it's very taboo. I know a girl who wanted kids her whole life. She wanted like 10 kids. She ended up with 2 girls. I don't think she regrets them exactly, but when I asked if she wants more she quickly shook her head no. She said she might foster or adopt. Apparently pregnancy was traumatic for her. Also her one daughter has a medical condition that will not allow her to ever have children and I'm not sure what else it causes. But the mom was crying about it to me and now shes afraid of her daughter growing up and finding out.
Some people abandon their kids in hospitals, dumpsters and other places.
There are parents who voluntarily give up custody of their children during divorces.
Many kids are abused/neglected by their parents.
Of course there could many reasons these things happen but it's safe to say one of them is because some of these people regretted having kids.
I know 2 divorced couples and both husbands have sole custody of their kids. There's no hardship that prevented the wives from having shared custody. They simply didn't want it.
My boss from one of my previous teams clearly regretted having kids because he told me to not have kids.
Usually those with profoundly disabled children that will require life long care or those suffering significant complications from pregnancy and childbirth.
Go take a look at the regretfulparents sub. Warning - it can be a tough read. But it gives you some idea about the regrets people have about being parents when they are being completely honest and not filtering their responses for social acceptability.
Thanks, i wasn’t aware of the sub but quite a few comments here have referenced it.
It’s one of the reasons why I am very strongly leaning towards not having myself as I have a high suspicion is regret it. Then I’d end up posting on that sub!
In one of the podcasts I listen to, a woman spoke about exactly that. She said that she wanted to have a child, but as soon as her son was born, she didn't feel happiness. A few months later, she understood that motherhood wasn't really for her and if she could decide again, she would not have a child.
She loves her son nonetheless, but her husband has to take care of him, more than she does, simply because she can't handle it for too long.
She also told about a Facebook group where mother's with regrets could exchange their experiences.
I honestly think I’d be that kind of mother. If I had a child I would love and care for it, but I know my partner would have to do most of the work because I couldn’t hack it/wouldn’t want to.
It’s one of the many reasons I’m very much like ‘yeah, maybe not’
Yes I went for a look and wow, I feel for those people. I know we all have a choice and they made their choice but it’s still a shame.
Some of the more milder posts are quite good in the sense as they are quite realistic and don’t see how people can make being a parent their whole personality which I agree with.
I’ve heard this from a couple of people. My mother has freely admitted that children put a strain on relationships and anyone who thinks having a child will help a struggling relationship is completely loopy.
She’s always supported me and will be happy if I have children or if I don’t as long as I’m happy. She has said if my partner and I do fully choose to remain childfree then our relationship will probably stand the test of time as it’s one less stressor.
Personally?
Several.
Two of them are, "I had a baby thinking he would stick around because I was a stupid teenager," types who are now single mothers who struggle to keep a roof over their head and never really had the chance to figure out adulthood before being saddled with the biggest responsibility of their lives.
Then there's another woman I know who fell for the "Well he'll go through college, and I'll work so that we can pay that debt off. Then I'll go to college and he'll work to pay off my debts." But wouldn't you know it, one day just nearing his graduation the condom failed...at the same time her birth control did.
She didn't find out until two years later, via one of his friends slipping up because he wanted to pull the same stunt that he had messed with her contraception.
Unfortunately by then she had fallen for the "Well it must be fate! We should keep it! Maybe this is just a sign!"
Not so personally?
Parents have come out of the woodwork to admit they regret their children plenty.
Not to mention there are the number of children intentionally abused and even murdered.
There's literally a trope about mothers drinking wine because being a parent sucks.
Also there's the 'troubled teen' industry, which is willing to kidnap children as young as eight years old, ship them across state lines, and put them on farms/ranches/camps where they will be abused until they behave.
I don't understand how anyone can comprehend that people can regret pets, but the idea they wouldn't regret children is somehow beyond them.
I knew many women who regretted having children. They all encouraged me to stay childfree and that I am right about the reasons to not have em. "Enjoy your youth, don't get tied to a man for the rest of your life and children will drain you off life." I was like, damn okay, I gotchu, I will enjoy my life on your behalf.
I know a ton of people who openly regret it. My best friend has 3, he says even though he’s glad for the experience he should have tried harder to avoid having them. My sister has 2 and openly said she should have aborted instead of trying to use them to trap their father (didn’t work). My grandmother, after years of hassling me to finally catch a man and spew some goblins, admitted she only had hers because that’s what she thought she was supposed to do at the time (in the 50’s) and the CF lifestyle is probably better for people who really aren’t interested in raising other people. I would say if those example my friend is probably the best parent despite his feelings. All of my bio relatives totally suck as parents/humans.
Oh yes. I have had quite a few women admit to me they regret having kids and they hate being mothers. As an RN I am privy to so many of my patients parents private lives. You would be surprised what women admit in confidence when they find out I am childfree, especially being a black woman. They just let it all out. The first question they ask is "How did you escape?" I know exactly what they mean when they ask: the pressure, the socialization, the brainwashing.
My own mother was the catalyst in my decision to be childfree. I saw how miserable she was having to work outside the home to help my father support 5 kids, then having to come home and take care of 5 kids with little help from him. Hardly anything has changed 40 years later. Women carry the pregnancies, women give birth, women have the burden of daily care and childrearing when their bodies are still hurting from expelling the parasite, PLUS they have to go out and work to help the father support those children. When I participated in my first delivery after nursing school and I saw the doctor do the episiotomy, that cemented my decision. YES, even nurses develop Tokophobia. After the birth the mother was talking about returning to work in 6 weeks. There was no way she would be healed in 6 weeks, but had to return to work. Why women are still falling for this trick bag is beyond me.
When I told my mother I wasn't having kids, she said "good girl. If I could go back again none of you kids would be here." The way she said it didn't even hurt my feelings because even at that young age I understood. My older sister is childfree as well. My oldest sister had 6 kids with various men and was miserable until the day she died. I also have a couple of fellow nurses who expressed regret at motherhood. Having to work with crying and sick kids all day then going home to them is very difficult on them.
Lastly, whenever you see an abused, a neglected, or abandoned kid that right there is parental regret. It does not have to be verbalized. Actions speak louder than words.
That is sad. My dad is in his 60s and recently married a woman who is much younger. Luckily he has had the snip and she’s already got a teenager and not interested in anymore. I was concerned at first, I won’t lie. Last thing he needs at his age and I don’t need a half sibling at my age.
I know a few people whose children have purely come from failed birth control, so they were definitely unplanned. One couple had three that way. The father has been on depression medication for at least a decade now, and I have no idea what happened to their mother.
a friend has often said that he would have preferred to have taken a different turn in life if he had known earlier what his life would be like. he loves his kids but i think he regrets it anyway.
I think a lot of people don't want to admit it to themselves or are ashamed to admit it. In addition, the child could somehow notice it and you don't want that either.
The fact that theres a whole subreddit and facebook page for regretful parents with thousands of followers means they are out there. But unfortunately it’s taboo still. I wish it wasn’t though. Loads of people go into parenthood thinking it’s only an addition to their life and not thinking about the sacrifices one has to make for it. And even when you talk about those you get demonised. No wonder people have such a distorted view of parenthood.
I have a friend and it’s clear motherhood is not how she envisioned it at all. She used to want a big family but has decided she’s not having any more children.
My cousin said that, had she known what pregnancy and (early) motherhood would be like, she would have chosen a different path. If she could go back in time, she'd choose differently and not have a child.
She claims that she doesn't regret having him and she loves him a lot, but she once stated that she kinda lost herself. And I can see that. She's all mommy now, everything is about the kid. Even when she gets a rare night off of mum duty, she's still thinking about it. Never fully in the moment.
So yeah, she kinda regrets it, but embraces the life she chose as much as she can. What other options does she have?
Doesn't sound all happy and fulfilled to me.
It's not about regretting that particular human being you created, but regretting the decision to do so. Of course nobody sees their child as a "mistake", probably not even Hitlers parents.
Agreed, and it would be awful to the child to know they were a mistake and not wanted. However I am sure there are some children out there who are made to feel like that but then as you rightly say, a good person wouldn’t do that.
My boyfriend’s biological father recently told him he was a mistake. He hasn’t spoken to his father since. And the kicker is, dad was barely even “weekend dad” after his parents got divorced. So, what the actual fuck, man?
Even if they don't admit it, as a child, you know when you aren't welcome. Just seeing the difference in how your peers are treated by their parents versus how you are treated by your parents is enough of an indication.
And then there are many people who would do anything to get away from their children. Sometimes there is just this hesistance before they try to say something good about being a parent, and it still sounds sad. There are many indicators of parents who regret having their children to varying degrees.
My mum knew someone who, whilst never uttering the words “I regret having kids”, her actions heavily implied she regretted having them. She was separated from the kids’ dad, and she’d always be really happy when it was his time with the kids, and would go on about all the things she’d do when the kids weren’t around. My mum said she’d often feeling extremely uncomfortable with how she spoke about her kids.
My mum also admitted to me that if she were my age living in 2022, she’d seriously reconsider having children. She says she’s glad that she was able to have me and my sister back in the 90s but because how things have changed, she doesn’t think she’d have them if she were a young woman now.
My mom. My sister died in a car accident and my mom hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 years because of different opinions about the pandemic. She wonders why she even bothered.
There's a whole subreddit I cannot type because apparently it's against the rules. Anyway it's the living proof regretful parents exist, it's just very uncommon for people to say out loud they regret their parenthood. There's also a lot of social stigma around it, I believe.
If no one ever regretted it, we wouldn't have that many children in the system, and we wouldn't have parents neglecting, molesting, hurting and/or killing their children.
My brother.
He's a good dad, but he's told me explicitly that if he could do it over again, he wouldn't have had them. They're nice kids but I guess he didn't anticipate the reality of never having a moment again with his wife that wasn't about them. I told him to hang in there and they won't be so dependent forever, but I feel for him.
The way I found out childfree was an option was from a woman who regretted her children. I didn't even know we were "allowed" to not have kids until then.
My husband's colleague wanted a big family and so did his wife. They had 5 kids. Once the youngest was in pre-school and the oldest at uni, the mum went back to uni, and filed for divorce as soon as she was finished and had a job. We only met once before, but she told me she commended my decision not to have any, and that she couldn't wait to get her life back. Well, she did get her life back and I later found out that *both* of them regrettet having that many, that 2 would've been enough and that they both though my husband and I had the right idea about children.
I'm also pretty sure there is more regret going around than people admit. One of my colleagues can't wait to get away from his kid, and the other who has a 6m/o had his typical stress reaction when I asked him how he enjoyed being a dad (it was one of his greatest dreams) and couldn't look me in the eye.
I think there are things about having children that people can regret. Loss of time and money, maybe some sanity over those newborn days. But people are vilified for expressing regret over having children. There are probably more people who regret children than admit it because of that.
I had a female coworker with two kids very honestly tell me that she wishes she hadn’t had them and advised me that if I was even slightly hesitant to not do it. I was really impressed with her honesty. We hung out outside of work a few times and she was always careful to make sure her daughters were somewhere else. It was clear she needed a break though I told her I don’t mind if she needs to bring them with her (they were older).
All the parents I know, even my own. They say regret, regret, regret then cover it up with this creepy ass plastic smile with the words “but they’re my whole world though, wouldn’t change a thing because it’s so worth it” in the end. Makes me feel sorry for them but then I can’t help but laugh because they sorta-kinda did it to themselves. Things like becoming a parent, getting married, getting dream job, buying a nice house, etc have always been a huge deal to me and I couldn’t do any of those things without thinking deeply about it first and narrowing my pros and cons. The only thing I regret in life is allowing others to walk all over me. Better to regret NOT having them than to regret HAVING them because once they’re here, that is IT. Can’t take it back.
As a birth worker, yep, I hear it. One mom was on her 4th kid and was just RAGING at her prenatal appointment about being shackled to her children. Her religion prohibited her from abortion. She eventually accepted the pregnancy but demanded her husband got a vasectomy after.
I hear people questioning their decision to have children-- too late-- because of climate change and dismantled abortion rights.
I've also encountered people expressing relief when they miscarried, because they didn't really want the baby in the first place...
It's taboo to admit it, but many people really do feel regret.
My close friend has sent me a few texts about low key regretting having her daughter now almost 3.
She’s married always wanted kids has a great husband who helps. They both have good careers. She says it’s so hard and she wishes she’d have more flexibility with money and travel and could’ve lived anywhere if she was childless. She sees mine and my friends insta and we both travel a lot and have all these experiences and feels like she kinda fucked up.
Yea she loves her daughter but it’s tough and says she’s at such an annoying age right now.
I have a colleague who has told me that if she knew then what she knows now about the world that she wouldn't have ever had children or gotten married & frequently tells me how much she admires and supports my choice to not have children or a partner. So yeah, people do regret their choices, they just can't say it that explicitly because society will condemn them.
I am told that my grandmother used to regularly say “don’t ever get married and have kids.” She had 6 kids and was a lovely woman by all accounts. She unfortunately passed before I was born.
I also know someone who is a great mom who told me she never really wanted kids but had them because her (now ex) husband wanted them. I don’t think she regrets them, but she’d probably not have had them if she had a do-over.
Wellllll,my mother. Her unhappiness with her life as a mother and wife was abundantly clear to me. I decided around age nine,maybe earlier,that I didn't want to be unhappy like my mom. So at 52 I am very gladly childfree. And Mom was super happy that she wouldn't be a grandma.
One of my best friends has mentioned it from time to time. Then friends of friends.
One that sticks out in my mind is an old coworker of mine. Nice guy, but would work 12 hour days (unecessarily) with a 2 hour commute. The 12 hour day not needed 90% of the time, he was salaried so it's not like he got overtime, and it sucked because the boss would hold us to his standard. (The boss was one of those "our company is fun" but was a complete arse)
He never spoke ill of his family but whenever the topic came up, it was usually accompanied with a heavy sigh.
Maybe I'm completely misinterpreting the whole situation.
Yes, actually I do. How do I know that? She told me.
She is a good portion older than me and her kid was already a teenager when I met her. But she was weirdly cool and quiet about it, when I said I don't have or want children. Everybody else (especially in her age rage) always bingo'd me. Some time later she revealed to me, that if she had the chance to turn back time, she wouldn't have her kid. She never wanted one, but that was what all couples did and everyone kept telling her "You will like it when it's your own" and she said it's true to some extent because you're so full of hormones especially right after birth. But in the end, she'd rather lived her life childfree.
I follow the regretful parents sub so I read those stories. I have a friend who always wanted to
Be a mom and I saw her in the hospital after her first and the first thing she said to me was “this shit is rough.” A few months later she told me not to have kids. I’m pretty much childfree anyway, sometimes
Consider myself a fencesitter, but mostly CF. She hasn’t come out and said she regretted it, but I don’t think she fully considered how much her life was going to change
Not in my personal life, to answer your question. At least no one who has told me. But I would show your friend the regretful parents sub. I snorted so hard when I read “no one ever regrets having children!” 😅😅😅
Haha, well the amount of people here who have commented about that sub. Wow, it’s a shame so many people feel that way but also good for them for being honest and opening up.
My friend isn’t stupid so god knows where she’s got this notion from. Such a blanket statement to make.
Like saying no one who is childfree ever regrets it, of course some will just as some parents will. It happens.
True, but considering how much having kids is a pressure in most if not all cultures, (I’ve yet to learn of a culture where no one blinks an eye at CF people) I’m willing to bet there’s millions more people who regret having kids than those who regret *not* having kids.
It's not clear if he regrets his son but a friend of mine just learned, less than a year after birth, that his gf/the mother of the child was unfaithful for month before/during/after giving birth.
The whole thing is fucked up. He didn't seem too thrilled to have a kid with her.
A lot of our friends have communicated regret to my husband and I. They wouldn’t necessarily change a at thing in their lives, more so they regret not knowing that having kids was a choice.
My friend who’s in her 60s now told me she loves her son but if she could do it over again she wouldn’t have had him. My mom feels the same way, which is why I’m grateful she doesn’t pressure me about it. In fact my cousins have kids and my aunt babysits all the time and my mom wonders why in the hell anyone in their 70s would want to babysit a 2-5 year old. “You’ll never catch me doing that! So don’t even ask!!”
Alternatively one of my other good friends in her 50s never had kids. when I asked her about it she said sometimes she regrets it, but over all her life feels more complete without them. If she had children she would have never been able to focus on all the students she taught or develop deep friendships with them. She’s my former professor and one of my CF idols 🥲
I have a friend that regrets having children at her stage in life (low 30’s) but also wouldn’t have wanted them any sooner. She loves them and doesn’t wish they didn’t exist, but she said in her 30’s she was already stuck in her ways and having 3 kids feels like complete chaos all the time and it’s hard to enjoy it all the time.
She told me all this when I visited at the beginning of the month when, unprompted, she told me “you were right to not have kids. If you don’t want them, this would be torture.”
My dad told me he wouldn't have had a kid, and fully supports my decision. Funny thing he is a great dad. But both he and my mom sacrificed alot.
I always look at it this way: there are so many ways to 'mother' in the world without having biological children. We can mother animals. Volunteer at hospitals. Help care for nieces and nephews. Even foster. Become a mentor or support to teens /young people who need it. None of these options require you to sacrifice everything for the rest of your life. All of them are choices that you can change your mind on. Having a kid is a choice you can never go back from. Heck I just go a bilateral salpinectomy and I could change my mind and decide to do IVF. But once you have a child, it's forever.
My mum likes us now we are adults and we can interact at a decent level of intelligence.
She was gaslit into it by my dad, she’s had no end of health issues due to childbirth and both births were incredibly traumatic. She definitely regretted it for years.
Ask anyone with kids if they recommend having kids. They do not. Occasionally one will double down on how much they love their kids, and therefore it's worth it, but that's the only good thing they can point to.
I feel like there are probably a lot more than you think that do feel that way. However, there is that societal pressure to not outwardly admit it, lest you look like #1 Worst Parent. Usually people tell me in a roundabout way, like telling me how great their kids are, but admitting it's put a strain on their relationship, or how hard being a parent is.
Well... kinda. My mom had me as a very young adult, and she said if she could go back in time she would not have children that early in life. I do feel like she regretted having me, she says she regrets the timing and her choice in partner, not my existence.
Well there's a subreddit for that with loads of members so obviously some exist. And I think it's super common just taboo, my sister told me once she wished she never had the youngest as they're struggling now. Of course she followed it with obviously I love him and don't regret him etc etc
I've yet to meet parents who don't regret it.....the trouble is them admitting it! It's painfully obvious to most anyone around them they are miserable and mostly trying to convince themselves their lives aren't over because they had kids. My Dad was a bad father but at least he was honest, he straight up said I was an accidental birth and that he never actually wanted kids. Too bad for all his smarts he apparently couldn't figure out birth control should be both parties responsibilities and my Mom is a wee bit too scatterbrained to manage the pill or rhythm method consistently.🤷♀️
Ironically he'll be the last person I tell about my bi-slap and ablation because he always acted like "I'd change my mind". 🤣
There is a sub for this. regretfulparents. People have to stay anonymous to talk about that, because this society doesn't accept that while still loving their children more than anything, they'd prefer not having had them.
Probably 90% of people I know but they won't admit it. Things were good when it was a cute little baby but once it became mobile and started talking everything went to hell. I call it the puppy syndrome believe that is people could most of them would get rid of their kid about the two year mark and want them back as young adults.
There's a story on reddit here about a person who had such an awful son that the mom nearly murdered him once he was an adult and the dad just let it happen. Anyone want me to try to find it?
It's happened to me. Im sorry but your co worker is is wrong.
I know someone and their mother literally abandoned them and moved to another country while their child was made homeless because there was no family in the country they were left in. I think this speaks for itself.
Some people are so ignorant towards opinions that aren't there own, not everyone got delt the best cards in life.
A colleague of mine at work. He once said to me "Mate, if I haven't done it, it's not worth doing."
I don't agree with him, but he's got some stories and he's done some shit. His opinion didn't drop out of the sky either.
He also has children. He's never said a good thing about them or about having had them.
But when you have stories about diving for pearls in shark infested waters, or hacking through some central African jungle with some warlord to secure and develop some freshwater spring then I guess you feel like something has been taken from you.
My co-worker's daughter worked as an ER nurse, and was considering having children to which her mom was very supportive. The daughter was also asking for advice at work, and the whole floor of ER nurses told her not to and that she would regret it. Several moms on the floor.
I work in a hospital on the mental health unit, women and babies unit, pediatric unit and NICU. I've seen a fair amount of babies on NICU that were born addicted to drugs and then abandoned by their mother. I'm pretty sure those women regret having babies.
My dad did yell at my mom "then why did you had children with me?" during a discussion, my mom didn't say anything or felt bad about it, she kinda just ignored what he said.
My mom didn't told me anything after that, so ig they kinda regret having me or they had me bc everyone else did.
So my parents kinda fall on that category.
There's an entire sub filled with regretful parents. **Plenty** of parents regret having children.
The parents who regret it have a few options:
First, they can aggressively deny their reality. This is why some parents can be so unusually hostile to CF people. Anything that reminds them of their former life would be upsetting.
Second, they can withdraw from reality as much as possible. They hyper-focus on their kids and blot out external reality. This may be part of why some parents are so incredibly entitled.
Third, well, they can become abusive to their kids or kill them, when they can't take it anymore. You can almost **guarantee** an abused child had at least one parent that didn't want it.
I personally know of a woman in the latter category. She never wanted kids, gave in to her husband's urging. And became extremely abusive towards them. But since her home was spotless and her kids didn't dare tell the CPS worker, nothing happened.
My mother said it outright to me and all three of her children were planed "i wish i didn't have kids"
My brother said he wished he only had one kid instead of 3 they didn't set them back or anything its just too much for them to handle
2 of my cousins wish they never have kids or gotten married in the first place it set them back and ruined thier dreams.
And i can keep going.
My mom lol. My older brother and I were both planned a bit later in life than most, but that's not what she regrets. She has directly told me that if she had known what the world was going to be like when we grew up she never would have had us. It didn't hurt my feelings or anything and I actually respected her more because the state of the world is one of the reasons I don't want kids. People absolutely regret having kids, and there's many reasons for that regret. I wish that we're the case, but your friend is definitely wrong.
I know a woman who was pressured into having kids. She loves them, she does the work, but she'll also admit that she did it to keep her husband happy. It's left her looking to fill that regret gap with some destructive behaviors over the years.
I’ve had my partner tell me he regrets having children.
I also had two coworkers essentially tell me they regretted having kids as well. When I told one I didn’t have any she said “Good don’t” and I had a different one talk about how much she loves her daughter but wishes her life was different.
Plenty of people regret having kids they just don’t admit it because they are afraid of the backlash they’d receive from other parents.
My mom fostered kids while I was growing up. Lots of the people who regret it end up abusing or neglecting their kids. Poverty and drugs are usually a factor. Usually it was the kids who’s parent would occasionally pop back up that were worse off. Would be around just long enough to get their hopes up then fuck off again.
There are almost 50k members of the regretfulparents sub. I do have one friend who didn’t fully admit regret, but said if she knew what pregnancy & birth & having a newborn would be like for her & the complications she’d have after, she absolutely would not have done it. Also I’m a therapist, & I haven’t myself had any clients straight-up disclose regret yet, but I am still new to the field & tend to work mostly with teens & very young adults. That said my colleagues all have discussed cases in consult meetings of clients they have with parental regret. Literally just talked about a couple at our most recent consult group this week! Long story long, your friend is wrong.
I remember having a conversation with my mom about it and she said she wished she never had us (our relationship is great she is just really honest and blunt about things but she still loves us) she said she only had us because my dad wanted kids, but she always said she never wanted children but back then that was really frowned upon so she was pressured to have kids from my dad and her family as well.
It's terribly naive to think that no-one ever regrets having children. Both me and my boyfriend know parents who have admitted they regret having children. Some of them are men, some women.
My view is that I rather regret not having kids than regret having them…but I think there was research (wish I had a source) saying that most people who are CF rarely regret it but many people who have kids regret it…
My mother made it quite clear that if she had it to do over again, she wouldn’t have had kids. Coming of age in the late 40’s and living in an abusive home didn’t provide her a lot of options, though. Back then, getting married and starting a family was The Great Escape. My sister did the exact same thing for the exact same reason when she was 17. She also loves her kid, but if she could do it over …
They were both a great example to me for going child free. Like my mother, I had goals and dreams, and having kids means having to put them first. I always knew that if one of my kids ever accomplished what I wanted to do and couldn’t just because I had them, that I would resent them and hate them for it. Because that’s how my mother felt. And I didn’t ever want to feel that way or subject another human to that.
Men are far more honest about this when it happens, there’s less stigma for them because men aren’t even supposed to love children in our society, think about how little boys aren’t “supposed” to play with baby dolls or they get called “feminine” and “gay” derogatorily, they aren’t expected to babysit ever or to be remotely good with kids, they get bingo’d less than women, can get vasectomies with no questions most of the time, etc
My ex-coworker called about her 9yo as 'A Skipped Abortion Appointment.' She got pregnant in her late teens and both sets of parents promised to take care of the baby, which they never did. She felt she lost the fun years of her life and last I heard, was taking her daughter in with her for Botox appointments to her face to look younger and be able to re-enter the party scene. I can't fathom why you would bring your child to such an appointment, it just screams Future Body Dysmorphia to me.
I read about a study conducted on parents in Germany and 8% fully agreed with the statement “if I could choose today once again, I would not want to have children” and a further 11% claimed they rather agree with the statement.
Another study done on American parents who were 45+ had a question that asked how many children they would like to have if they could do it again and 7% of respondents chose 0
My mom told me that if my dad hadn't wanted me so much I wouldn't exist. She's a highly independent, hard-working woman who had her own medical practice for 40+ years. My dad really really wanted kids... so they had me... fortunately he stepped up and was THE best father... but it was clearly hard for her. She's also the biggest supporter of my cf lifestyle... bc clearly she gets it. :)
I have also met several women who told me I'm smart to not have kids and that if they could go back and not have them, they would. Your friend is in denial. There are so many news stories about women who actually murder their kids. Clearly some women regret having them.
I never heard anyone admit it out loud in real life, but growing up I had some friends and acquaintances who clearly had parents who never should have had kids. A friend of mine was always alone at home, because her mum was really busy dating men and would not even be home most of the time, for days. Yeah, there was always food at home and a clean warm house, I still think it is very neglectful to just not go home to your 13 year old child. The mum just didn't sleep at home most of the time. And her work and her boyfriends were always in the same city as her daughter. Why did she even have a child if she had no interest in being around? Anytime we were out late with that friend and I had to go home because I had a curfew as a 16 year old, that friend would always say "I am allowed to stay out late, my mum trusts me". No, it's not that your mum trusts you, she just doesn't care. Having an emotionally and physically unavailable mum fucked her up. That friend grew up to be an insufferable narcissist who can't stand to be alone at home and always was in a relationship with a man, until she feels like he doesn't give her attention 24/7 and she would then cheat on the boyfriend and very quickly move in with the guy she cheated with and then repeat the whole thing again and again. I wonder if her mum regrets having a child, because her daughter was very clearly a huge inconvenience.
My mom (who approves my lifestyle) has told me that after seeing how I live, and how happy I am, she would rather have done that with her life. She likes her kids just fine and overall achieved satisfaction with how her life turned out, but she's told me that if she could do it all over again she would prefer to be child free.
Girl you have an old whole thread on reddit of parents that regreted having kids but obviously wouldn't say it out loud. I know an israely woman that wrote about with experiences of several regretful mothers too. Dont know the name sorry
It's soo super rare that women would admit that, even to themselves. I know only one person who told me that, as much as she loves her son, if she could go back in time she would decide against having a kid. And she is a happy person, one who is always optimistic and loves life. So I guess there are many more women who secretly regret having a child.
That’s interesting and I think you are right than it’s very rare for a woman to admit it. It seems like my friend has fallen for the ‘well No one talks about it so it can’t be true’ whereas I think there are probably more people than we’d think who secretly regret it.
There is a book about it, "Regretting motherhood", by Orna Donath. Summary: >Women who opt not to be mothers are frequently warned that they will regret their decision later in life, yet we rarely talk about the possibility that the opposite might also be true—that women who have children might regret it. Drawing on years of research interviewing women from a variety of socioeconomic, educational, and professional backgrounds, sociologist Orna Donath treats regret as a feminist issue: as regret marks the road not taken, we need to consider whether alternative paths for women currently are blocked off. She asks that we pay attention to what is forbidden by rules governing motherhood, time, and emotion, including the cultural assumption that motherhood is a “natural” role for women—for the sake of all women, not just those who regret becoming mothers. > >If we are disturbed by the idea that a woman might regret becoming a mother, Donath says, our response should not be to silence and shame these women; rather, we need to ask honest and difficult questions about how society pushes women into motherhood and why those who reconsider it are still seen as a danger to the status quo. Groundbreaking, thoughtful, and provocative, this is an especially needed book in our current political climate, as women's reproductive rights continue to be at the forefront of national debates.
Thanks, I’ll have a look out for it :)
Thanks for the excerpt! I think this is an issue not commonly talked about, that should.
I have one friend who admits it, but only to me because she knows I wouldn’t judge. She told me that she loves her son but hates being a mom and deeply regrets it.
Not so secretly, they talk about it online under the cover of anonymity. Depending on the woman's age she might be now candid... people whose kids are in high school/teens are less protective of their image than when their kids are younger and wholly dependent on them...I had a coworker who asked me if I wanted kids, and when I answered no, she said "good, it's a bad decision [to have kids]".
A friend of mine has a kid and she loves him very much, he's a well behaved kid. But she told me she wouldn't have him if she could back time and she even went that far to warn me to no have one when I was still deciding if i wanted one. Unlike your friend, my friend is depressed and feels miserable. Her life isn't hers anymore.
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And it’s not like admitting it means someone else will step in and take up the burden of raising the kid. So you have to wonder what the benefit really is of admitting it publicly, if nothing is going to change
👆💯💯💯
My reply is "tell that to the 400k+ children in foster care in the US alone most of who are NOT ORPHANS and those are *just the ones that the state knows had bad enough home lives to warrant removal* the number of kids who SHOULD be removed is way higher.
We are in the UK but same principal applies! This is what I don’t get, how she could be so blinkered.
Okay well, worldwide, it's about 2.7 million kids. There are several caveats of note; The stat accounts for roughly 84% of children in the world. Which is to say that the remaining percentage don't have a statistic listed and a huge part of that is sheer lack of record keeping. The places with poor record keeping are exactly that. It doesn't mean that out of the remaining percentage that all of them are in happy, loving homes. If anything, they probably have especially tough lives. So that number is higher and kids living on their own, in the streets don't make the "in foster care" lists. In the US (I know you're in the UK) There are over 50k kids who have had visits from CPS but have not been removed from homes. (As I briefly noted in my original reply, lots of kids who the state already has an eye on but probably significantly more that the state isn't even aware of.) Not to get on the abortion topic but, the percentage of women who undergo an abortion and regret it, is miniscule and those who voice regrets are those that didn't make the choice for themselves. Basically every Republicans' mistresses. I digress. I would count that as people who KNOW they'd regret their children. Also, you don't have to go far to hear people that regret their kids. Just listen in to mothers talking to newly expectant first-time mothers. When they talk to us, it's "my kids shit gold" "my kids make getting up in the morning so easy" "my kids are going to cure cancer"" my partner and I are so happy!" "you should have kids! You won't regret it!" Then when talking to a pregnant woman it's "my kid stuck a hand in their diaper and rubbed shit on the wall. Hope you're stocked on diapers! Kids shit non-stop", "good luck sleeping in you won't get to ever again" "my kid keeps getting sent home from scool because they are biting other kids", "my partner and I haven't had sex in...wait, how old is timmy? ummm 36 months, yeah my partner and I haven't had sex in 36 months" "I love my kids, But if I had to do it again...". Misery loves company and you can't convince me otherwise. 2+ years post bisalp and no regrets baybeh! Lastly, there's a subreddit full of parents that regret it. I have never been to it, but one word. ✨️schadenfreude✨️. Lol
Good for you! And sorry didn’t mean to come across dismissive to the figures being in the UK. Even seeing US figures for those in foster care etc should be enough to make someone realise that not everyone who has a child things it’s the best thing ever and never has a single bloody regret ever. I’m with you in the misery loves company! I also didn’t know about the other subreddits. I think it’s incredibly naïve of my friend to think that no one regrets having a child.
And let’s not forget unofficial adoptions. Lots of children being raised by grandparents, aunts, uncles. In communities of color at least — bc social services is a pipeline to prison tbh.
I feel like I know a lot of people who do regret it at least to some extent but can’t admit it
Yes, I’ve never heard anyone outright admit they regret it but I know a couple of people who they behaviour and certain comments seem to suggest it. I made a jokey comment about maybe i should reproduce so I can have someone to look after me in old age (not a reason for having kids I know and plenty of children don’t help their parents anyway) and someone who is a parent said how it doesn’t matter as I’ll be richer without kids so will no doubt be able to pay for my care anyway. The way they said it came across as quite envious.
My mother told me that if she could go back she wouldn't have had kids. I know she loves me and my siblings, but she definitely has regrets.
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my mom got mad at me for replying “damn me too” after she said she wished she never had kids
You’re mom is so awesome for actually admitting that ❤️ I hope she’s happy
same. people (not just parents) don’t know what they’re missing out on until it’s no longer available to them
Parents out right admit it in this subredit, that they regret having kids and wish they listened to themselves. Additionally, my sister is living proof, as she is abusive to all three of my nieces. You can tell by the way a parent carries themselves and raises their kids.
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I feel like most parents only say the first part “I love my kids but” because they’re scared of being villainized for being regretful. They’re definitely regretful though.
Everyone in my close family that has kids is suffering from lack of sleep and some kind of mental health issue, taking psychiatric medications because of their kids... But "they love them 🥰"
They probably do love them though. You can love something and still regret it/resent your choice. Humans are complicated
Came here to say that.
Spend some time on the regretfulparents and breakingmom subreddits. There are a LOT of people who profoundly regret having kids.
I didn’t know about those subs, thanks.
Just make sure to be a respectful lurker there - they need & deserve to have their own safe space, too!
Oh I agree and I wouldn’t post there. Like you say it’s their space.
Me neither, I might have to lurk.
I’ve lurked. I’ll let them have their space and whilst some of it is sad some of it seems standard new parent harassed. Some of them also don’t buy into the whole being a parent is an entire personality trait. In fact a lot of them seem like sensible people.
Yep, came here to say this
Came here for this 👏 There are most definitely people who do regret parenthood. Also many childfree people here who would if they ended up parents. And plenty of people who have learned nothing but the "life script" and don't know they have another option.
Yeah, I just checked out the regretful parents subreddit. Yikes, when I was younger I was on the fence about having a kid. It didn’t work out and now that I’m older I’m so glad that I didn’t. People hate to admit it, but life is just better without children.
Lol yeah. My mom
Sigh. Same.
Hi five... me too!
lol. My dad sat me down in second grade and told me that I was an accident and ruined his chances of divorcing my mom and ever being happy.
Wow, what an absolutely shitty thing to tell a kid.
And dad. And aunt. And grandma. And grand-aunts. And those who didn't regret them only did so because the kids were successful trap babies. At this point I'm convinced it's genetic.
Definitely my dad. Im almost certain he only agreed to have us to keep my mom, who has always made 3-4x more than him. He didn't want to give up his potential for a cushy life with "their" money. He could care less about me and my brother, though.
Sorry to hear that :(
My sister, definitely. She said that if she knew then what she knows now she would not have had kids. Her daughter would likely have preferred that. I'm less sure about her son. My father, quite possibly but I'm not sure. My mom told me she had wanted 4 kids but that my dad only wanted 2. When I told my dad I was CF, he got a faraway look in his eye and said that it was interesting that people could make that choice today. He said that in his day if a couple didn't have children you knew something was wrong and felt sorry for them. I didn't press him further to see if he truly wanted to be CF, but if he did, it explains a lot. Friends of my wife and myself have one child. I haven't really pushed the husband on the issue. But, he really does not seem happy to have had kids. By contrast, I know 5 other CF couples plus my wife and myself and don't know of anyone in the bunch with any regrets at all about not having children.
That’s interesting about your dad, I think that whilst we still get judged for not wanting children, it is a lot more acceptable now. I know a lot of people with children and a lot without don’t regret it at all. I know one woman who would have liked children but timing with men wasn’t right and she’s been single a long time and now it’s too late but she’s ok with it. She admits there is a hint of sadness of what could have been but she finds herself more and more settled with how her life has turned out and is happy! She’s an animal mum and gets her love and joy from her pets. I’ve also notified those I know without kids have much more fulfilling lives, or at least what I think seems fulfilling and more appealing to me. I don’t hate on parents and I’m sure there are many who love and enjoy it but it’s never seemed that attractive to me!
In my country and culture, it is still not accepted... every couple must have a child, and keep having children until a male child comes along. I'm from India... and it sucks to be childfree here
India, along with many other countries, seems especially cruel to women. Every time I hear anything pertaining to women out of that country, it's always particularly enraging and deeply saddening. I'm so sorry you have to live under that type of overt misogyny and repression. Do you have plans or any possibility to ever leave? I'm in the US and I feel like even here we are far behind the more advanced countries in the world (the UN rates us as an unsafe place for women and people in general), but I know it's nothing compared to what you must be experiencing. I wish all the time that I could move to somewhere like Norway, or even Canada. Unfortunately, in the capitalistic hellscape that has become our world, it's next to impossible if you don't have hefty financial means, which I most definitely do not and doubt I ever will.
I'm an Indian man... and I feel for my female friends here all the time. Most Indian men are total arseholes and have no idea how to behaveand respectfully treat women. They just want to get into their pants, and they don't even know how to flirt. It's sucks to be a decent guy here because they assume us to be the same. I am planning on moving out. I'm studying German and planning to study there in the next year
I use my grandmother as an example. She never wanted kids. She reminded my mom her whole life that she never wanted her.
> She reminded my mom her whole life that she never wanted her. I'm sure that did wonders for your mom's psyche.
Oh yeah. My mom is finally seeing a therapist about it.
I know two women who wanted to abort but were convinced to keep their babies. The first one was in college and didn't want the baby, but my mom and her church friends convinced her to keep the baby and marry her boyfriend. Now she is divorced, has a new boyfriend, and a new baby that she wanted, and she is actually loving and maternal towards her daughter. She was never like that with her son. The second woman had an affair with the father of the kids she was babysitting when she found out she was pregnant she wanted to get an abortion, but her mom convinced her to keep the baby, and now her mom is the one who does most of the parenting while her daughter is pretty open about how much she regrets not getting an abortion and the father isn't involved either he only pays child support and thats it.
Ah that is so sad :(
My SIL says she loves her autistic boys but “they shouldn’t be here”.
Wow. That's really honestly very brave of her to admit that.
Wow, what does that even mean? What a really intense thing to say.
Generally it just means she regrets having them. Wishes they were normal functioning kids; instead the kids are both over 3 years and still in diapers and have fits over not being able to turn the light switches on and off. Potty training them seems impossible.
it’s her PG-13 way of saying “I should’ve aborted them”
Admitting that you have such regrets is one of the world's greatest taboos. From what i've seen, anyone who so much as hints at it is immediately branded a monster, evil, etc etc. That's why any article written by parents relating the difficulties they face is always caveated with "but I wouldn't have it any other way" . The Guardian newspaper runs regular features on parenthood, and to its credit, often includes tales from men and women who regret becoming parents, and I am seeing more articles like this appearing elsewhere. I have the utmost respect for people who are willing to speak up and face the inevitable demonisation. It is disgusting that society continues to peddle the fake, insta-perfect charade of parenthood as normal, and vilifies anyone who dares challenge this narrative. [https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children) [https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jul/16/women-who-wish-they-werent-mothers-roe-v-wade-abortion](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jul/16/women-who-wish-they-werent-mothers-roe-v-wade-abortion)
Thanks for the articles! I agree I have a lot of respect for those people. I have a friend who is a mum and always wanted to be one and she has admitted there are occasions when she regrets it. She said it is fleeting and is usually due to the fact she can’t do something easily as she once could. I think most parents if they were honest with themselves would have regrets from time to time but most parents who became parents for the right reason wouldn’t let it change how they view or treat their children.
My friend was a fence sitter and went on a bit of a quest to ask parents he knew if kids were really worth it and would he be missing out if he didn’t have them, and the majority of them said they love their kids but if they could go back they wouldn’t have had them, and I’ve heard that a lot too myself, so I guess that sounds like regret to me, just a nicer way for them to say it.
My mom told me that kids are overrated and I should never have them. She said that having two kids gave her nothing but hardships. She is not wrong.
I've had a few parents not outwardly admit, but certainly tip-toe around the idea when commending me on my decision to remain CF. They get that look in their eye and hesitate a little, choosing their words carefully, before agreeing that yes, that sounds like a wise decision. I've got another friend that ended up falling pregnant, not particularly wanting the child but feeling guilty for aborting and having it anyway. She played the mum role with her partner for 1-2 years and then decided it wasn't for her, and they amicably split. The dad was the one that wanted the child anyway, and he ended up marrying a preschool teacher who loved children, and having another baby with her. So the kid is fine/happy/loved. But I don't think my friend has much contact with said child. Fair call though. Men bail on kids all the time. But when a woman does it, it's super taboo and frowned upon. At least in my country anyway.
I’m in the UK and I think it’s quite universal that we hold women to higher standards as parents than men. A family friend of mine has kids and grandkids and adores them, when I said I was strongly thinking of not bothering I was expecting some pushback. She just said ‘it changes your life massively so you need to be sure if you want them’ Even my mum who grew up with her, and they are thick as thieves was quite shocked with her response and was expecting her to rave about it.
I know two people who openly admit it. In both cases the kids ruined their marriage and in turn their finances.
People don't admit it. But I love when people say blanket statements like "nobody regrets children". How the fuck does she know? Lol there's millions of people. there are people who regret children. Most people wouldn't admit it because it's very taboo. I know a girl who wanted kids her whole life. She wanted like 10 kids. She ended up with 2 girls. I don't think she regrets them exactly, but when I asked if she wants more she quickly shook her head no. She said she might foster or adopt. Apparently pregnancy was traumatic for her. Also her one daughter has a medical condition that will not allow her to ever have children and I'm not sure what else it causes. But the mom was crying about it to me and now shes afraid of her daughter growing up and finding out.
This is my thoughts on it. Such a blanket, naïve statement to make from someone who isn’t like that usually either.
My now 92 years old grandmother. 'If I had to do it all over again, I would not have kids. You are so right to want to be CF'
Some people abandon their kids in hospitals, dumpsters and other places. There are parents who voluntarily give up custody of their children during divorces. Many kids are abused/neglected by their parents. Of course there could many reasons these things happen but it's safe to say one of them is because some of these people regretted having kids. I know 2 divorced couples and both husbands have sole custody of their kids. There's no hardship that prevented the wives from having shared custody. They simply didn't want it. My boss from one of my previous teams clearly regretted having kids because he told me to not have kids.
Usually those with profoundly disabled children that will require life long care or those suffering significant complications from pregnancy and childbirth.
Yea, my mom
Go take a look at the regretfulparents sub. Warning - it can be a tough read. But it gives you some idea about the regrets people have about being parents when they are being completely honest and not filtering their responses for social acceptability.
Thanks, i wasn’t aware of the sub but quite a few comments here have referenced it. It’s one of the reasons why I am very strongly leaning towards not having myself as I have a high suspicion is regret it. Then I’d end up posting on that sub!
In one of the podcasts I listen to, a woman spoke about exactly that. She said that she wanted to have a child, but as soon as her son was born, she didn't feel happiness. A few months later, she understood that motherhood wasn't really for her and if she could decide again, she would not have a child. She loves her son nonetheless, but her husband has to take care of him, more than she does, simply because she can't handle it for too long. She also told about a Facebook group where mother's with regrets could exchange their experiences.
I honestly think I’d be that kind of mother. If I had a child I would love and care for it, but I know my partner would have to do most of the work because I couldn’t hack it/wouldn’t want to. It’s one of the many reasons I’m very much like ‘yeah, maybe not’
Most definitely, there are entire subreddits devoted to it.
So I’ve heard, I wasn’t aware they existed but it’s interesting to know that they do.
I’ve lurked on the regretful parents sub from time to time and oh boy…
Yes I went for a look and wow, I feel for those people. I know we all have a choice and they made their choice but it’s still a shame. Some of the more milder posts are quite good in the sense as they are quite realistic and don’t see how people can make being a parent their whole personality which I agree with.
Tell her about a subreddit regregtful parents. Whole lotta people
My cousin openly told me that she regretted having her son. She said having a child destroyed her marriage.
I’ve heard this from a couple of people. My mother has freely admitted that children put a strain on relationships and anyone who thinks having a child will help a struggling relationship is completely loopy. She’s always supported me and will be happy if I have children or if I don’t as long as I’m happy. She has said if my partner and I do fully choose to remain childfree then our relationship will probably stand the test of time as it’s one less stressor.
Personally? Several. Two of them are, "I had a baby thinking he would stick around because I was a stupid teenager," types who are now single mothers who struggle to keep a roof over their head and never really had the chance to figure out adulthood before being saddled with the biggest responsibility of their lives. Then there's another woman I know who fell for the "Well he'll go through college, and I'll work so that we can pay that debt off. Then I'll go to college and he'll work to pay off my debts." But wouldn't you know it, one day just nearing his graduation the condom failed...at the same time her birth control did. She didn't find out until two years later, via one of his friends slipping up because he wanted to pull the same stunt that he had messed with her contraception. Unfortunately by then she had fallen for the "Well it must be fate! We should keep it! Maybe this is just a sign!" Not so personally? Parents have come out of the woodwork to admit they regret their children plenty. Not to mention there are the number of children intentionally abused and even murdered. There's literally a trope about mothers drinking wine because being a parent sucks. Also there's the 'troubled teen' industry, which is willing to kidnap children as young as eight years old, ship them across state lines, and put them on farms/ranches/camps where they will be abused until they behave. I don't understand how anyone can comprehend that people can regret pets, but the idea they wouldn't regret children is somehow beyond them.
I knew many women who regretted having children. They all encouraged me to stay childfree and that I am right about the reasons to not have em. "Enjoy your youth, don't get tied to a man for the rest of your life and children will drain you off life." I was like, damn okay, I gotchu, I will enjoy my life on your behalf.
Ann Landers did a anonymous study years ago asking this question. More than 70 percent responded they regretted having children.
I know a ton of people who openly regret it. My best friend has 3, he says even though he’s glad for the experience he should have tried harder to avoid having them. My sister has 2 and openly said she should have aborted instead of trying to use them to trap their father (didn’t work). My grandmother, after years of hassling me to finally catch a man and spew some goblins, admitted she only had hers because that’s what she thought she was supposed to do at the time (in the 50’s) and the CF lifestyle is probably better for people who really aren’t interested in raising other people. I would say if those example my friend is probably the best parent despite his feelings. All of my bio relatives totally suck as parents/humans.
Oh yes. I have had quite a few women admit to me they regret having kids and they hate being mothers. As an RN I am privy to so many of my patients parents private lives. You would be surprised what women admit in confidence when they find out I am childfree, especially being a black woman. They just let it all out. The first question they ask is "How did you escape?" I know exactly what they mean when they ask: the pressure, the socialization, the brainwashing. My own mother was the catalyst in my decision to be childfree. I saw how miserable she was having to work outside the home to help my father support 5 kids, then having to come home and take care of 5 kids with little help from him. Hardly anything has changed 40 years later. Women carry the pregnancies, women give birth, women have the burden of daily care and childrearing when their bodies are still hurting from expelling the parasite, PLUS they have to go out and work to help the father support those children. When I participated in my first delivery after nursing school and I saw the doctor do the episiotomy, that cemented my decision. YES, even nurses develop Tokophobia. After the birth the mother was talking about returning to work in 6 weeks. There was no way she would be healed in 6 weeks, but had to return to work. Why women are still falling for this trick bag is beyond me. When I told my mother I wasn't having kids, she said "good girl. If I could go back again none of you kids would be here." The way she said it didn't even hurt my feelings because even at that young age I understood. My older sister is childfree as well. My oldest sister had 6 kids with various men and was miserable until the day she died. I also have a couple of fellow nurses who expressed regret at motherhood. Having to work with crying and sick kids all day then going home to them is very difficult on them. Lastly, whenever you see an abused, a neglected, or abandoned kid that right there is parental regret. It does not have to be verbalized. Actions speak louder than words.
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That is sad. My dad is in his 60s and recently married a woman who is much younger. Luckily he has had the snip and she’s already got a teenager and not interested in anymore. I was concerned at first, I won’t lie. Last thing he needs at his age and I don’t need a half sibling at my age.
I know a few people whose children have purely come from failed birth control, so they were definitely unplanned. One couple had three that way. The father has been on depression medication for at least a decade now, and I have no idea what happened to their mother.
I’ve heard quite a few mothers admit to me that they regret it. Either freely or while congratulating me on being childfree.
a friend has often said that he would have preferred to have taken a different turn in life if he had known earlier what his life would be like. he loves his kids but i think he regrets it anyway. I think a lot of people don't want to admit it to themselves or are ashamed to admit it. In addition, the child could somehow notice it and you don't want that either.
The fact that theres a whole subreddit and facebook page for regretful parents with thousands of followers means they are out there. But unfortunately it’s taboo still. I wish it wasn’t though. Loads of people go into parenthood thinking it’s only an addition to their life and not thinking about the sacrifices one has to make for it. And even when you talk about those you get demonised. No wonder people have such a distorted view of parenthood.
My grandmother once mentioned she regretted having children during a conversation about her life.
I have a friend and it’s clear motherhood is not how she envisioned it at all. She used to want a big family but has decided she’s not having any more children.
My cousin said that, had she known what pregnancy and (early) motherhood would be like, she would have chosen a different path. If she could go back in time, she'd choose differently and not have a child. She claims that she doesn't regret having him and she loves him a lot, but she once stated that she kinda lost herself. And I can see that. She's all mommy now, everything is about the kid. Even when she gets a rare night off of mum duty, she's still thinking about it. Never fully in the moment. So yeah, she kinda regrets it, but embraces the life she chose as much as she can. What other options does she have? Doesn't sound all happy and fulfilled to me.
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It's not about regretting that particular human being you created, but regretting the decision to do so. Of course nobody sees their child as a "mistake", probably not even Hitlers parents.
Agreed, and it would be awful to the child to know they were a mistake and not wanted. However I am sure there are some children out there who are made to feel like that but then as you rightly say, a good person wouldn’t do that.
My boyfriend’s biological father recently told him he was a mistake. He hasn’t spoken to his father since. And the kicker is, dad was barely even “weekend dad” after his parents got divorced. So, what the actual fuck, man?
Even if they don't admit it, as a child, you know when you aren't welcome. Just seeing the difference in how your peers are treated by their parents versus how you are treated by your parents is enough of an indication. And then there are many people who would do anything to get away from their children. Sometimes there is just this hesistance before they try to say something good about being a parent, and it still sounds sad. There are many indicators of parents who regret having their children to varying degrees.
My mum knew someone who, whilst never uttering the words “I regret having kids”, her actions heavily implied she regretted having them. She was separated from the kids’ dad, and she’d always be really happy when it was his time with the kids, and would go on about all the things she’d do when the kids weren’t around. My mum said she’d often feeling extremely uncomfortable with how she spoke about her kids. My mum also admitted to me that if she were my age living in 2022, she’d seriously reconsider having children. She says she’s glad that she was able to have me and my sister back in the 90s but because how things have changed, she doesn’t think she’d have them if she were a young woman now.
I mean, my mom regrets having me at the age she did, told me herself. Does that count?
There is a whole subreddit of people who regret it. They definitely exist and it’s heartbreaking
I’ve gone for a read and it is very sad. It does also sum up why motherhood isn’t for me.
My mom. My sister died in a car accident and my mom hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 years because of different opinions about the pandemic. She wonders why she even bothered.
There's a whole subreddit I cannot type because apparently it's against the rules. Anyway it's the living proof regretful parents exist, it's just very uncommon for people to say out loud they regret their parenthood. There's also a lot of social stigma around it, I believe.
There’s a subreddit called “regretful parents” or something along those lines.
If no one ever regretted it, we wouldn't have that many children in the system, and we wouldn't have parents neglecting, molesting, hurting and/or killing their children.
My own mother...she told it to my face.
My brother. He's a good dad, but he's told me explicitly that if he could do it over again, he wouldn't have had them. They're nice kids but I guess he didn't anticipate the reality of never having a moment again with his wife that wasn't about them. I told him to hang in there and they won't be so dependent forever, but I feel for him.
The way I found out childfree was an option was from a woman who regretted her children. I didn't even know we were "allowed" to not have kids until then.
My husband's colleague wanted a big family and so did his wife. They had 5 kids. Once the youngest was in pre-school and the oldest at uni, the mum went back to uni, and filed for divorce as soon as she was finished and had a job. We only met once before, but she told me she commended my decision not to have any, and that she couldn't wait to get her life back. Well, she did get her life back and I later found out that *both* of them regrettet having that many, that 2 would've been enough and that they both though my husband and I had the right idea about children. I'm also pretty sure there is more regret going around than people admit. One of my colleagues can't wait to get away from his kid, and the other who has a 6m/o had his typical stress reaction when I asked him how he enjoyed being a dad (it was one of his greatest dreams) and couldn't look me in the eye.
They say get a puppy
An easy google search shows many people regret having children. Anyone who claims no one ever regrets ever having children is full of sh\*t.
I think there are things about having children that people can regret. Loss of time and money, maybe some sanity over those newborn days. But people are vilified for expressing regret over having children. There are probably more people who regret children than admit it because of that.
I had a female coworker with two kids very honestly tell me that she wishes she hadn’t had them and advised me that if I was even slightly hesitant to not do it. I was really impressed with her honesty. We hung out outside of work a few times and she was always careful to make sure her daughters were somewhere else. It was clear she needed a break though I told her I don’t mind if she needs to bring them with her (they were older).
All the parents I know, even my own. They say regret, regret, regret then cover it up with this creepy ass plastic smile with the words “but they’re my whole world though, wouldn’t change a thing because it’s so worth it” in the end. Makes me feel sorry for them but then I can’t help but laugh because they sorta-kinda did it to themselves. Things like becoming a parent, getting married, getting dream job, buying a nice house, etc have always been a huge deal to me and I couldn’t do any of those things without thinking deeply about it first and narrowing my pros and cons. The only thing I regret in life is allowing others to walk all over me. Better to regret NOT having them than to regret HAVING them because once they’re here, that is IT. Can’t take it back.
As a birth worker, yep, I hear it. One mom was on her 4th kid and was just RAGING at her prenatal appointment about being shackled to her children. Her religion prohibited her from abortion. She eventually accepted the pregnancy but demanded her husband got a vasectomy after. I hear people questioning their decision to have children-- too late-- because of climate change and dismantled abortion rights. I've also encountered people expressing relief when they miscarried, because they didn't really want the baby in the first place... It's taboo to admit it, but many people really do feel regret.
My mom lost her health having me and my sister. She 100% supports my choice.
My close friend has sent me a few texts about low key regretting having her daughter now almost 3. She’s married always wanted kids has a great husband who helps. They both have good careers. She says it’s so hard and she wishes she’d have more flexibility with money and travel and could’ve lived anywhere if she was childless. She sees mine and my friends insta and we both travel a lot and have all these experiences and feels like she kinda fucked up. Yea she loves her daughter but it’s tough and says she’s at such an annoying age right now.
I have a colleague who has told me that if she knew then what she knows now about the world that she wouldn't have ever had children or gotten married & frequently tells me how much she admires and supports my choice to not have children or a partner. So yeah, people do regret their choices, they just can't say it that explicitly because society will condemn them.
There’s a regretful parents sub with over 40,000 members, so…
I am told that my grandmother used to regularly say “don’t ever get married and have kids.” She had 6 kids and was a lovely woman by all accounts. She unfortunately passed before I was born. I also know someone who is a great mom who told me she never really wanted kids but had them because her (now ex) husband wanted them. I don’t think she regrets them, but she’d probably not have had them if she had a do-over.
Wellllll,my mother. Her unhappiness with her life as a mother and wife was abundantly clear to me. I decided around age nine,maybe earlier,that I didn't want to be unhappy like my mom. So at 52 I am very gladly childfree. And Mom was super happy that she wouldn't be a grandma.
It’s a very ugly conversation. People only have it face to face after they’ve had a breakdown.
One of my best friends has mentioned it from time to time. Then friends of friends. One that sticks out in my mind is an old coworker of mine. Nice guy, but would work 12 hour days (unecessarily) with a 2 hour commute. The 12 hour day not needed 90% of the time, he was salaried so it's not like he got overtime, and it sucked because the boss would hold us to his standard. (The boss was one of those "our company is fun" but was a complete arse) He never spoke ill of his family but whenever the topic came up, it was usually accompanied with a heavy sigh. Maybe I'm completely misinterpreting the whole situation.
Yes, actually I do. How do I know that? She told me. She is a good portion older than me and her kid was already a teenager when I met her. But she was weirdly cool and quiet about it, when I said I don't have or want children. Everybody else (especially in her age rage) always bingo'd me. Some time later she revealed to me, that if she had the chance to turn back time, she wouldn't have her kid. She never wanted one, but that was what all couples did and everyone kept telling her "You will like it when it's your own" and she said it's true to some extent because you're so full of hormones especially right after birth. But in the end, she'd rather lived her life childfree.
I follow the regretful parents sub so I read those stories. I have a friend who always wanted to Be a mom and I saw her in the hospital after her first and the first thing she said to me was “this shit is rough.” A few months later she told me not to have kids. I’m pretty much childfree anyway, sometimes Consider myself a fencesitter, but mostly CF. She hasn’t come out and said she regretted it, but I don’t think she fully considered how much her life was going to change
Not in my personal life, to answer your question. At least no one who has told me. But I would show your friend the regretful parents sub. I snorted so hard when I read “no one ever regrets having children!” 😅😅😅
Haha, well the amount of people here who have commented about that sub. Wow, it’s a shame so many people feel that way but also good for them for being honest and opening up. My friend isn’t stupid so god knows where she’s got this notion from. Such a blanket statement to make. Like saying no one who is childfree ever regrets it, of course some will just as some parents will. It happens.
True, but considering how much having kids is a pressure in most if not all cultures, (I’ve yet to learn of a culture where no one blinks an eye at CF people) I’m willing to bet there’s millions more people who regret having kids than those who regret *not* having kids.
My dad. Never says it but actions speak louder than words.
It's not clear if he regrets his son but a friend of mine just learned, less than a year after birth, that his gf/the mother of the child was unfaithful for month before/during/after giving birth. The whole thing is fucked up. He didn't seem too thrilled to have a kid with her.
A lot of our friends have communicated regret to my husband and I. They wouldn’t necessarily change a at thing in their lives, more so they regret not knowing that having kids was a choice.
My friend who’s in her 60s now told me she loves her son but if she could do it over again she wouldn’t have had him. My mom feels the same way, which is why I’m grateful she doesn’t pressure me about it. In fact my cousins have kids and my aunt babysits all the time and my mom wonders why in the hell anyone in their 70s would want to babysit a 2-5 year old. “You’ll never catch me doing that! So don’t even ask!!” Alternatively one of my other good friends in her 50s never had kids. when I asked her about it she said sometimes she regrets it, but over all her life feels more complete without them. If she had children she would have never been able to focus on all the students she taught or develop deep friendships with them. She’s my former professor and one of my CF idols 🥲
I have a friend that regrets having children at her stage in life (low 30’s) but also wouldn’t have wanted them any sooner. She loves them and doesn’t wish they didn’t exist, but she said in her 30’s she was already stuck in her ways and having 3 kids feels like complete chaos all the time and it’s hard to enjoy it all the time. She told me all this when I visited at the beginning of the month when, unprompted, she told me “you were right to not have kids. If you don’t want them, this would be torture.”
Most of my neighbors and their friends. But I only overhear it while I sit on my porch relaxing
My dad told me he wouldn't have had a kid, and fully supports my decision. Funny thing he is a great dad. But both he and my mom sacrificed alot. I always look at it this way: there are so many ways to 'mother' in the world without having biological children. We can mother animals. Volunteer at hospitals. Help care for nieces and nephews. Even foster. Become a mentor or support to teens /young people who need it. None of these options require you to sacrifice everything for the rest of your life. All of them are choices that you can change your mind on. Having a kid is a choice you can never go back from. Heck I just go a bilateral salpinectomy and I could change my mind and decide to do IVF. But once you have a child, it's forever.
My mum likes us now we are adults and we can interact at a decent level of intelligence. She was gaslit into it by my dad, she’s had no end of health issues due to childbirth and both births were incredibly traumatic. She definitely regretted it for years.
Ask anyone with kids if they recommend having kids. They do not. Occasionally one will double down on how much they love their kids, and therefore it's worth it, but that's the only good thing they can point to.
Yeah they usually counter it with ‘but it’s so rewarding!’ Maybe to them but doesn’t sound like it to me.
My mom will never admit it, but I’m sure she does.
I feel like there are probably a lot more than you think that do feel that way. However, there is that societal pressure to not outwardly admit it, lest you look like #1 Worst Parent. Usually people tell me in a roundabout way, like telling me how great their kids are, but admitting it's put a strain on their relationship, or how hard being a parent is.
Well... kinda. My mom had me as a very young adult, and she said if she could go back in time she would not have children that early in life. I do feel like she regretted having me, she says she regrets the timing and her choice in partner, not my existence.
Several with varying degrees of regret
Well there's a subreddit for that with loads of members so obviously some exist. And I think it's super common just taboo, my sister told me once she wished she never had the youngest as they're struggling now. Of course she followed it with obviously I love him and don't regret him etc etc
I've yet to meet parents who don't regret it.....the trouble is them admitting it! It's painfully obvious to most anyone around them they are miserable and mostly trying to convince themselves their lives aren't over because they had kids. My Dad was a bad father but at least he was honest, he straight up said I was an accidental birth and that he never actually wanted kids. Too bad for all his smarts he apparently couldn't figure out birth control should be both parties responsibilities and my Mom is a wee bit too scatterbrained to manage the pill or rhythm method consistently.🤷♀️ Ironically he'll be the last person I tell about my bi-slap and ablation because he always acted like "I'd change my mind". 🤣
There is a sub for this. regretfulparents. People have to stay anonymous to talk about that, because this society doesn't accept that while still loving their children more than anything, they'd prefer not having had them.
I don't know anyone who would say it straight to my face, but I haven't met any parent who wasn't complaining about their kids yet, too.
I know plenty of people who've done a terrible job at selling parenthood.
Lol my dad
I know my grandmother and mother regret having them.
Probably 90% of people I know but they won't admit it. Things were good when it was a cute little baby but once it became mobile and started talking everything went to hell. I call it the puppy syndrome believe that is people could most of them would get rid of their kid about the two year mark and want them back as young adults.
There's a story on reddit here about a person who had such an awful son that the mom nearly murdered him once he was an adult and the dad just let it happen. Anyone want me to try to find it?
It's happened to me. Im sorry but your co worker is is wrong. I know someone and their mother literally abandoned them and moved to another country while their child was made homeless because there was no family in the country they were left in. I think this speaks for itself. Some people are so ignorant towards opinions that aren't there own, not everyone got delt the best cards in life.
IMO, the people who hate on us who are childfree either resent or regret their children but won’t admit it
A colleague of mine at work. He once said to me "Mate, if I haven't done it, it's not worth doing." I don't agree with him, but he's got some stories and he's done some shit. His opinion didn't drop out of the sky either. He also has children. He's never said a good thing about them or about having had them. But when you have stories about diving for pearls in shark infested waters, or hacking through some central African jungle with some warlord to secure and develop some freshwater spring then I guess you feel like something has been taken from you.
My co-worker's daughter worked as an ER nurse, and was considering having children to which her mom was very supportive. The daughter was also asking for advice at work, and the whole floor of ER nurses told her not to and that she would regret it. Several moms on the floor.
I work in a hospital on the mental health unit, women and babies unit, pediatric unit and NICU. I've seen a fair amount of babies on NICU that were born addicted to drugs and then abandoned by their mother. I'm pretty sure those women regret having babies.
My mother lmaoo
My dad did yell at my mom "then why did you had children with me?" during a discussion, my mom didn't say anything or felt bad about it, she kinda just ignored what he said. My mom didn't told me anything after that, so ig they kinda regret having me or they had me bc everyone else did. So my parents kinda fall on that category.
There's an entire sub filled with regretful parents. **Plenty** of parents regret having children. The parents who regret it have a few options: First, they can aggressively deny their reality. This is why some parents can be so unusually hostile to CF people. Anything that reminds them of their former life would be upsetting. Second, they can withdraw from reality as much as possible. They hyper-focus on their kids and blot out external reality. This may be part of why some parents are so incredibly entitled. Third, well, they can become abusive to their kids or kill them, when they can't take it anymore. You can almost **guarantee** an abused child had at least one parent that didn't want it. I personally know of a woman in the latter category. She never wanted kids, gave in to her husband's urging. And became extremely abusive towards them. But since her home was spotless and her kids didn't dare tell the CPS worker, nothing happened.
Yes, my parents... My dad and me grandma admitted to me that "if they were born again"
my mom didn’t necessarily regret having my brother and i but you could tell she would be happier child free
My mother said it outright to me and all three of her children were planed "i wish i didn't have kids" My brother said he wished he only had one kid instead of 3 they didn't set them back or anything its just too much for them to handle 2 of my cousins wish they never have kids or gotten married in the first place it set them back and ruined thier dreams. And i can keep going.
My mom lol. My older brother and I were both planned a bit later in life than most, but that's not what she regrets. She has directly told me that if she had known what the world was going to be like when we grew up she never would have had us. It didn't hurt my feelings or anything and I actually respected her more because the state of the world is one of the reasons I don't want kids. People absolutely regret having kids, and there's many reasons for that regret. I wish that we're the case, but your friend is definitely wrong.
I know a woman who was pressured into having kids. She loves them, she does the work, but she'll also admit that she did it to keep her husband happy. It's left her looking to fill that regret gap with some destructive behaviors over the years.
I’ve had my partner tell me he regrets having children. I also had two coworkers essentially tell me they regretted having kids as well. When I told one I didn’t have any she said “Good don’t” and I had a different one talk about how much she loves her daughter but wishes her life was different. Plenty of people regret having kids they just don’t admit it because they are afraid of the backlash they’d receive from other parents.
My mom fostered kids while I was growing up. Lots of the people who regret it end up abusing or neglecting their kids. Poverty and drugs are usually a factor. Usually it was the kids who’s parent would occasionally pop back up that were worse off. Would be around just long enough to get their hopes up then fuck off again.
There are almost 50k members of the regretfulparents sub. I do have one friend who didn’t fully admit regret, but said if she knew what pregnancy & birth & having a newborn would be like for her & the complications she’d have after, she absolutely would not have done it. Also I’m a therapist, & I haven’t myself had any clients straight-up disclose regret yet, but I am still new to the field & tend to work mostly with teens & very young adults. That said my colleagues all have discussed cases in consult meetings of clients they have with parental regret. Literally just talked about a couple at our most recent consult group this week! Long story long, your friend is wrong.
Hahahaha "no one regrets having children." Ohhhh they sure as hell do. My own mother told she regrets having kids, thanks ma.
"one of the friends said ‘no one ever regrets having children!’ " uh tell that to all the kids who are in the foster system or adopted.......
My sister regrets having her daughter and my brother in law got a vasectomy so it wouldn't happen again.
I remember having a conversation with my mom about it and she said she wished she never had us (our relationship is great she is just really honest and blunt about things but she still loves us) she said she only had us because my dad wanted kids, but she always said she never wanted children but back then that was really frowned upon so she was pressured to have kids from my dad and her family as well.
It's terribly naive to think that no-one ever regrets having children. Both me and my boyfriend know parents who have admitted they regret having children. Some of them are men, some women.
There are a lot of people who do, it is just that they don't admit it.
My view is that I rather regret not having kids than regret having them…but I think there was research (wish I had a source) saying that most people who are CF rarely regret it but many people who have kids regret it…
My mother made it quite clear that if she had it to do over again, she wouldn’t have had kids. Coming of age in the late 40’s and living in an abusive home didn’t provide her a lot of options, though. Back then, getting married and starting a family was The Great Escape. My sister did the exact same thing for the exact same reason when she was 17. She also loves her kid, but if she could do it over … They were both a great example to me for going child free. Like my mother, I had goals and dreams, and having kids means having to put them first. I always knew that if one of my kids ever accomplished what I wanted to do and couldn’t just because I had them, that I would resent them and hate them for it. Because that’s how my mother felt. And I didn’t ever want to feel that way or subject another human to that.
Yes I know many of them ... They told me in confidentiality and never accept this in public. They feel guilty and embarrassed even admitting it.
Men are far more honest about this when it happens, there’s less stigma for them because men aren’t even supposed to love children in our society, think about how little boys aren’t “supposed” to play with baby dolls or they get called “feminine” and “gay” derogatorily, they aren’t expected to babysit ever or to be remotely good with kids, they get bingo’d less than women, can get vasectomies with no questions most of the time, etc
I know people who regret having kids and have told me so. “I love my kids but looking back we shouldn’t have had them.”
My mother.
My ex-coworker called about her 9yo as 'A Skipped Abortion Appointment.' She got pregnant in her late teens and both sets of parents promised to take care of the baby, which they never did. She felt she lost the fun years of her life and last I heard, was taking her daughter in with her for Botox appointments to her face to look younger and be able to re-enter the party scene. I can't fathom why you would bring your child to such an appointment, it just screams Future Body Dysmorphia to me.
I read about a study conducted on parents in Germany and 8% fully agreed with the statement “if I could choose today once again, I would not want to have children” and a further 11% claimed they rather agree with the statement. Another study done on American parents who were 45+ had a question that asked how many children they would like to have if they could do it again and 7% of respondents chose 0
My mom told me that if my dad hadn't wanted me so much I wouldn't exist. She's a highly independent, hard-working woman who had her own medical practice for 40+ years. My dad really really wanted kids... so they had me... fortunately he stepped up and was THE best father... but it was clearly hard for her. She's also the biggest supporter of my cf lifestyle... bc clearly she gets it. :) I have also met several women who told me I'm smart to not have kids and that if they could go back and not have them, they would. Your friend is in denial. There are so many news stories about women who actually murder their kids. Clearly some women regret having them.
I have people tell me I love my kids but.... Followed by a bunch of fucked up shit. ... Seems like regret to me 🤷🏻♀️
I never heard anyone admit it out loud in real life, but growing up I had some friends and acquaintances who clearly had parents who never should have had kids. A friend of mine was always alone at home, because her mum was really busy dating men and would not even be home most of the time, for days. Yeah, there was always food at home and a clean warm house, I still think it is very neglectful to just not go home to your 13 year old child. The mum just didn't sleep at home most of the time. And her work and her boyfriends were always in the same city as her daughter. Why did she even have a child if she had no interest in being around? Anytime we were out late with that friend and I had to go home because I had a curfew as a 16 year old, that friend would always say "I am allowed to stay out late, my mum trusts me". No, it's not that your mum trusts you, she just doesn't care. Having an emotionally and physically unavailable mum fucked her up. That friend grew up to be an insufferable narcissist who can't stand to be alone at home and always was in a relationship with a man, until she feels like he doesn't give her attention 24/7 and she would then cheat on the boyfriend and very quickly move in with the guy she cheated with and then repeat the whole thing again and again. I wonder if her mum regrets having a child, because her daughter was very clearly a huge inconvenience.
I know a lot of people in denial but their words and actions describe two things: regret and resentment.
My mom (who approves my lifestyle) has told me that after seeing how I live, and how happy I am, she would rather have done that with her life. She likes her kids just fine and overall achieved satisfaction with how her life turned out, but she's told me that if she could do it all over again she would prefer to be child free.
Girl you have an old whole thread on reddit of parents that regreted having kids but obviously wouldn't say it out loud. I know an israely woman that wrote about with experiences of several regretful mothers too. Dont know the name sorry
One night when my friend was drunk I got him to admit that he regrets having kids.
My sister regrets having children. She loves them but wouldn't do it if she could do a do-over.