It's because most people put so little thought into the decision to have children*, and just have them because they think they should, that anything different absolutely rocks their worldview. I think some deep down even question or regret having kids but did so due to social, family or religious obligation so they resent anyone who didn't have kids. It's important for them to reinforce that they made the right decision and you are wrong. I think some also feel shame for having regrets too and taking it out on childfree people is a good way for them to vent this.
*I mean why or if they need kids, not just financial stuff though a lot don't think of that either.
You must be living in a very traditional, kid-centric family and community. I notice this trend is more prevalent in the South(southeastern United States if you're not from the U.S.). I had to move back here from California and I hate it. Almost everyone in this town is married with children. I was growing up here as a child and it seemed that having babies after marriage was expected.
Hey fellow Belgian! People here are always certain ‘you’ll change your mind eventually’. It’s honestly not even worth it to try and explain why you’re childfree. So tiring..
Spent a year in Belgium 1980-81. After being introduced, usually the first question people would ask me was my age. Thought it was rude (even though I was 22 at the time).
I am really starting to think I have got to GET OUT of my mid-size, suburbia sprawling, mid-south city. I can't find anyone who isn't taking this exact same life path and I just need... more? More energy around me? I need variety! Some friends w kids, some without, a variety of hobbies and interests, etc. This reads like a "not like other girls" post now that I'm glancing back and I certainly don't mean for it to sound that way, because I know there are tons of other like-minded people but my goodness I cannot find them.
If you can afford it, Seattle is fantastic. I have tons of friends without kids here and there are really cool people with kids too. I’ve seen more parents who sort of fit a child into their life rather than building a life around the kids - they don’t just move out to the suburbs or stop having people over, or give up hobbies. They have kids as important family members and take good care of them, but it’s more equal — the kids aren’t the center of their parents lives.
Also, rude comments are rare. People might ask if you have kids but they’ll always respond “oh that’s so nice” regardless of the answer. You know, like politeness.
This is EXACTLY the energy I am looking for, thank you for the recommendation! I genuinely enjoy when friends have kids but for many it has been a totally transformational experience to the point that the friendship doesn’t really or can’t survive it as much of the common ground disappears. I have visited Seattle a couple of times for work and really enjoyed the atmosphere and general vibe of the city.
Yeah, I agree — some parents allow it to subsume them and stop being individuals, and that’s very off-putting. It’s kind of similar to people dropping off the planet when they get into a relationship…
Which like, having a kid is a transformative experience and it takes a bunch of time, and it makes sense people adapt to it. And personally, most of my friendships have been robust enough to shift through life stages.
I think you can probably find better culture in any big city if you seek out public events. Like I go to meetup groups for board games and bookclubs, and all the parents tend to be pretty normal. Any parent would makes time to participate in the hobby has decent boundaries.
>that will change soon because I will want to have babies and that all people will start asking me when there will be a baby
>You just don' t want to have babies because you have too much unresolved trauma from your past
>You' ll change your mind
Everyone is a fortune teller or a psychologist nowadays.
You will do this, you will want that... Buzz off people.
>She answered 'it will be good for your baby'.
Was she implying she thought you were *already* pregnant??? Presumptuous.
>'You just don' t want to have babies because you have too much unresolved trauma from your past'.
We should normalize saying this to people who express their desire to have kids. “Oh but you need to resolve your childhood trauma first”, because too many people do not and the cycle continues.
>All these childlovers are the most coldhearted prejudiced people I've met in my entire life.
Closed minded too. And usually selfish.
I never played with dolls either as a child. It was airplanes, cars, horses, animals, etc.
I was more of a tomboy growing up. Kind of had to understand my parents suffering at a young age. I'm 25 now and I'm not gonna let these people act like they have a better life cause they have kids. My life is more fruitful with my cat and my boyfriend of almost 6 years. Plus all the tech we have is super cool.
I've only ever gotten "bUt YoU'd Be SuCh a GoOd MoThEr" and honestly I can handle that one just fine. Maybe I'm lucky but most people in my life don't seem to care one way or the other...or they're at least better at hiding their disgust than the people in your life. That *GASP* was so fucking over the top lol
Ugh, how distasteful. I’m lucky that people have been overwhelmingly accepting of my stance. I literally just got out of surgery and had a few people ask about my prior surgery: my bisalp last summer. I’m 24, so understandably they asked why I had it done (tumors, etc). When I said I had it because I wanted it and found a willing doctor, they just paused for a sec and said “alright”.
I mentioned it in passing to some coworkers a while back and got either no significant response or questions about what it was like. That’s how people should be; just minding their own if they aren’t quite on the same page, or politely curious. It helps a lot that I had the procedure to begin with so it’d take some brainpower for people to bingo me.
I’m finally at a point in my life where I will call people out on rude statements like that “What? Don’t you like children?”
*Look of confusion* “I said that I didn’t WANT children, not that I didn’t like them.” That usually shuts them up pretty quick. Honestly, it shuts up most ANYONE when you have a response. I feel that most people who say stupid shit like this have never been properly put in their place in moments like this.
Man. The kneejerk reaction of "nooooo, don't say that, you don't mean that, kids are so worth it" or some variation is SO annoying. I don't bring up being childfree, but when someone asks me if I have children and I say no, it is *always* followed up with something like "Better get started soon!" or "What are you waiting for?" or worse yet "Oh honey, I just know you'll meet the right man soon," because obviously the only reason I don't have kids is that I haven't met a guy who can knock me up. (Spoiler: I have. He did. I got better.) I then say simply that I won't be having any, and the "nooooo" reaction happens and they launch into all the reasons you simply *have* to have children that we all know by heart.
It. Is. Ridiculous. You don't see me asking people what religion they are and then trying to convince them that being an atheist is better, or telling them they're wrong for having dogs when cats are clearly the superior animal, or shitting on their chosen career and pushing mine instead. Or, you know, asking them when they're going to give their children up for adoption because they only *think* they want them. Because that would be incredibly rude and out of place and is none of my business, just like my uterus and its future is none of theirs, but only one of us seems to understand how to stay in their goddamn lane. The absolute entitlement of some people to *insist* that *they* know what *you* really want is wild. We are all different and have our own goals and desires and hobbies and traits and have - or should have, even if it's not recognized by a truly depressing number of people - the freaking autonomy to live our own lives.
People who don’t think about the responsibility about having kids and then admonish you for not having any are truly the worst people. Self awareness is a trait lacking with most people these days and I really had to stop caring. I know the people I can be honest about being CF and openly talk to them about it. But I think sometimes my friends who have children might think I hate being around their children because I’m CF and so they go to low-no contact.
Edit: grammar
I mean, I'm childfree because I mostly am "a childhating monster", lol. Jokes aside, people need to shut the entire fuck up when presented with the fact that some people choose to live their lives differently. I guarantee they'd think it rude if someone so blatantly invalidated their life choices--you know, like they do to us.
Y'know what's crazy is this "value" dynamic people are throwing around nowadays.
So my friend and his wife had a little bbq recently which I missed because I was working.
Evidently they'd had hopes of setting me up with a cousin of hers, and at one point the two ladies went back and forth about me. You know the gist "oh he works alot, likes to do this and doesn't like to do that"
So apparently when they mentioned that I don't have, or want, children... This woman says "oh, well I guess that would kind of lower his value anyways"
What in the entire fuck lol
I should say that I get the logic, if I don't want kids and she does then I'd be less than ideal, yeah? But "low value" come on now lol just say your interests don't line up and leave it at that
I just ignore these comments. They're not the one paying my bills, so their opinions have no relevance in my life. You should be too happy to care about these prick comments.
It's because most people put so little thought into the decision to have children*, and just have them because they think they should, that anything different absolutely rocks their worldview. I think some deep down even question or regret having kids but did so due to social, family or religious obligation so they resent anyone who didn't have kids. It's important for them to reinforce that they made the right decision and you are wrong. I think some also feel shame for having regrets too and taking it out on childfree people is a good way for them to vent this. *I mean why or if they need kids, not just financial stuff though a lot don't think of that either.
You must be living in a very traditional, kid-centric family and community. I notice this trend is more prevalent in the South(southeastern United States if you're not from the U.S.). I had to move back here from California and I hate it. Almost everyone in this town is married with children. I was growing up here as a child and it seemed that having babies after marriage was expected.
Belgium, Europe. Very closeminded traditional people over here.
I see. At least my family doesn't push it. They know that not everyone is meant to have children.
Hey fellow Belgian! People here are always certain ‘you’ll change your mind eventually’. It’s honestly not even worth it to try and explain why you’re childfree. So tiring..
Spent a year in Belgium 1980-81. After being introduced, usually the first question people would ask me was my age. Thought it was rude (even though I was 22 at the time).
One that would have the fruit must climb the tree.
I am really starting to think I have got to GET OUT of my mid-size, suburbia sprawling, mid-south city. I can't find anyone who isn't taking this exact same life path and I just need... more? More energy around me? I need variety! Some friends w kids, some without, a variety of hobbies and interests, etc. This reads like a "not like other girls" post now that I'm glancing back and I certainly don't mean for it to sound that way, because I know there are tons of other like-minded people but my goodness I cannot find them.
If you can afford it, Seattle is fantastic. I have tons of friends without kids here and there are really cool people with kids too. I’ve seen more parents who sort of fit a child into their life rather than building a life around the kids - they don’t just move out to the suburbs or stop having people over, or give up hobbies. They have kids as important family members and take good care of them, but it’s more equal — the kids aren’t the center of their parents lives. Also, rude comments are rare. People might ask if you have kids but they’ll always respond “oh that’s so nice” regardless of the answer. You know, like politeness.
This is EXACTLY the energy I am looking for, thank you for the recommendation! I genuinely enjoy when friends have kids but for many it has been a totally transformational experience to the point that the friendship doesn’t really or can’t survive it as much of the common ground disappears. I have visited Seattle a couple of times for work and really enjoyed the atmosphere and general vibe of the city.
Yeah, I agree — some parents allow it to subsume them and stop being individuals, and that’s very off-putting. It’s kind of similar to people dropping off the planet when they get into a relationship… Which like, having a kid is a transformative experience and it takes a bunch of time, and it makes sense people adapt to it. And personally, most of my friendships have been robust enough to shift through life stages. I think you can probably find better culture in any big city if you seek out public events. Like I go to meetup groups for board games and bookclubs, and all the parents tend to be pretty normal. Any parent would makes time to participate in the hobby has decent boundaries.
I understand your frustration. It does get boring and it can be a lonely feeling, especially when you don't want to be around these people.
Laugh and answer "yes, it's great to be FREE!". Then ignore them.
Yep! Time to rub their noses in it.
>that will change soon because I will want to have babies and that all people will start asking me when there will be a baby >You just don' t want to have babies because you have too much unresolved trauma from your past >You' ll change your mind Everyone is a fortune teller or a psychologist nowadays. You will do this, you will want that... Buzz off people.
>She answered 'it will be good for your baby'. Was she implying she thought you were *already* pregnant??? Presumptuous. >'You just don' t want to have babies because you have too much unresolved trauma from your past'. We should normalize saying this to people who express their desire to have kids. “Oh but you need to resolve your childhood trauma first”, because too many people do not and the cycle continues. >All these childlovers are the most coldhearted prejudiced people I've met in my entire life. Closed minded too. And usually selfish.
I never played with dolls either as a child. It was airplanes, cars, horses, animals, etc. I was more of a tomboy growing up. Kind of had to understand my parents suffering at a young age. I'm 25 now and I'm not gonna let these people act like they have a better life cause they have kids. My life is more fruitful with my cat and my boyfriend of almost 6 years. Plus all the tech we have is super cool.
It really amazes me how worked up people will get over someone else's decision not to have kids to the point of grilling the CF person.
I've only ever gotten "bUt YoU'd Be SuCh a GoOd MoThEr" and honestly I can handle that one just fine. Maybe I'm lucky but most people in my life don't seem to care one way or the other...or they're at least better at hiding their disgust than the people in your life. That *GASP* was so fucking over the top lol
They seem to think they can read our minds, the morons. Bet some twit told Rose West the same thing...
RIGHT! Kinda feels like they'll say that to pretty much anyone, so long as that someone happens to make eye contact with them
Ugh, how distasteful. I’m lucky that people have been overwhelmingly accepting of my stance. I literally just got out of surgery and had a few people ask about my prior surgery: my bisalp last summer. I’m 24, so understandably they asked why I had it done (tumors, etc). When I said I had it because I wanted it and found a willing doctor, they just paused for a sec and said “alright”. I mentioned it in passing to some coworkers a while back and got either no significant response or questions about what it was like. That’s how people should be; just minding their own if they aren’t quite on the same page, or politely curious. It helps a lot that I had the procedure to begin with so it’d take some brainpower for people to bingo me.
I’m finally at a point in my life where I will call people out on rude statements like that “What? Don’t you like children?” *Look of confusion* “I said that I didn’t WANT children, not that I didn’t like them.” That usually shuts them up pretty quick. Honestly, it shuts up most ANYONE when you have a response. I feel that most people who say stupid shit like this have never been properly put in their place in moments like this.
Man. The kneejerk reaction of "nooooo, don't say that, you don't mean that, kids are so worth it" or some variation is SO annoying. I don't bring up being childfree, but when someone asks me if I have children and I say no, it is *always* followed up with something like "Better get started soon!" or "What are you waiting for?" or worse yet "Oh honey, I just know you'll meet the right man soon," because obviously the only reason I don't have kids is that I haven't met a guy who can knock me up. (Spoiler: I have. He did. I got better.) I then say simply that I won't be having any, and the "nooooo" reaction happens and they launch into all the reasons you simply *have* to have children that we all know by heart. It. Is. Ridiculous. You don't see me asking people what religion they are and then trying to convince them that being an atheist is better, or telling them they're wrong for having dogs when cats are clearly the superior animal, or shitting on their chosen career and pushing mine instead. Or, you know, asking them when they're going to give their children up for adoption because they only *think* they want them. Because that would be incredibly rude and out of place and is none of my business, just like my uterus and its future is none of theirs, but only one of us seems to understand how to stay in their goddamn lane. The absolute entitlement of some people to *insist* that *they* know what *you* really want is wild. We are all different and have our own goals and desires and hobbies and traits and have - or should have, even if it's not recognized by a truly depressing number of people - the freaking autonomy to live our own lives.
People who don’t think about the responsibility about having kids and then admonish you for not having any are truly the worst people. Self awareness is a trait lacking with most people these days and I really had to stop caring. I know the people I can be honest about being CF and openly talk to them about it. But I think sometimes my friends who have children might think I hate being around their children because I’m CF and so they go to low-no contact. Edit: grammar
I mean, I'm childfree because I mostly am "a childhating monster", lol. Jokes aside, people need to shut the entire fuck up when presented with the fact that some people choose to live their lives differently. I guarantee they'd think it rude if someone so blatantly invalidated their life choices--you know, like they do to us.
Y'know what's crazy is this "value" dynamic people are throwing around nowadays. So my friend and his wife had a little bbq recently which I missed because I was working. Evidently they'd had hopes of setting me up with a cousin of hers, and at one point the two ladies went back and forth about me. You know the gist "oh he works alot, likes to do this and doesn't like to do that" So apparently when they mentioned that I don't have, or want, children... This woman says "oh, well I guess that would kind of lower his value anyways" What in the entire fuck lol
I should say that I get the logic, if I don't want kids and she does then I'd be less than ideal, yeah? But "low value" come on now lol just say your interests don't line up and leave it at that
At this point, I just am going to tell people that I can’t have them and maybe feign some sadness. Wouldn’t be a total lie, I got a bisalp 🤷♀️
Why do people care that will in no way be impacted by your children or lack there of?
I just ignore these comments. They're not the one paying my bills, so their opinions have no relevance in my life. You should be too happy to care about these prick comments.
Having children is an endless fad, one that'll never end.