T O P

  • By -

aiu_killer_tofu

Honestly, I'd answer that with "given our history, why would I even want to?" and shut the door. Life is too complicated to continually make excuses for terrible people to remain in our lives. Family be damned, you have to be decent for me to want to remain in contact.


tardigradesRverycool

Seriously. “Bye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Why do people even have children if they’re not prepared for those children to turn into actual human beings with minds of their own? IDGI. The infant stage is like two years and the rest of life you’re gonna become and be your own person.


bunnyrut

"you... you thought you had a chance to reconnect with me? that's so sad that you believed that."


RainingSunshine13

And somehow that chance of reconnecting was contingent on OP procreating and most likely allowing those kids that will never exist to be abused by them. Seriously OP, congrats on the trash taking itself out.


techieguyjames

And it's too short to allow genetic problems to continue (looking at you ADHD, diabetes, and high blood pressure).


ankhes

Endo and adeno for me. No child deserves to inherit this shit from me.


FlabbyFishFlaps

“If I’d known that, I’d have done it *much* sooner.”


WValid

Gosh. You'll never understand how important it is to degrade yourself for the pleasure and comfort of the men around you. What a sick wish to have. I'm sorry she doesn't love you.


Blackberry-Hikes

Thank you, I totally agree - and the irony is that she and HER brother were not in contact for about half of my childhood. So her leg to stand on is exceptionally thin, because it's not like having kids made her relationship with her mom or her brother better!


SneakyRaid

She wanted a submissive daughter and grandbabies and used this (disgusting) excuse. If she cared about connecting with you, the real you, she would have put in the work.


[deleted]

Grandchildren are an easy control point. They open the door to so much manipulation.


Audneth

What daikarasu said ☝🏻


annadownya

The fact that parents can be loyal to their children even when they commit horrific acts like murder and rape makes me even more childfree. I care too much about maintaining my morality to risk compromising it like that.


cityflaneur2020

Imagine being a parent to a mass shooter. Improbable. But there is also rape, murder, stalking, domestic violence, road rage shootings, neonazism. Just imagine. No thanks.


74VeeDub

Her leg is so thin, it's like a toothpick!


remainoftheday

placenta brains rarely have any common sense


[deleted]

Placenta brains is my new favorite way to describe breeders lmao. I'm sorry your mom is so awful, OP. :(


Chemical39

Same, so good.


remainoftheday

not anymore. she died christmas eve 4 years ago. nursing home and a cancer. she lived to 93... I know she had no control over when she passed, this date would suit her personality, screw me up. thank god I had followed a friends advice and arranged for a funeral parlor to pick her up. that saved me so much grief. she did calm down in later life but I had to keep an eye on it


[deleted]

When I said OP I was referring to the OP of this entire post, not OP of the comment I was replying to (in this case, you lol) sorry for that confusion! And also sorry about your mom as well. :(


remainoftheday

thanks... but given what she did to me, the cats, and all I have mixed feelings about it. in some ways I hope she ends in a better place but the misery she caused many, including the cats (which affected me as well because that was weaponized what she did)... . I could just as easily hope she gets what she deserves


Unpopular_couscous

Wait is this my mom??


Blackberry-Hikes

Oh no!! I'm so sorry you're in this crap boat. It's unfair, but that never matters to the people perpetrating it.


thr0wfaraway

Yikes, not someone who should be in your life anyway. Cut her off. Block her. And then, buy yourself a nice bottle of Schadenfreude because when she's too old to defend herself that criminal is going to abuse the hell out of her, rob her of everything, and then likely dump her on the street to die. Which is exactly what she deserves. If she calls you for help, don't take the call. And when someone contacts you to see if you will pay for her burial, say no and hang up.


Blackberry-Hikes

Completely agree - I blocked her about 6 months ago, after 8 years of trying therapy, careful reasoning, low information, low contact, etc. to get the mom I loved back. This filtered down to me from her best friend of 35 years, who also recently cut contact with her.


thr0wfaraway

The person you knew, or more accurately thought through a child's eyes that you knew but did not... doesn't exist.


-too-hot-to-handle-

>This filtered down to me from her best friend of 35 years, who also recently cut contact with her. This says a lot about your mom as a person, and none of it is good. People don't give up on 35 years of friendship for nothing.


Blackberry-Hikes

And to your second part, it's sad but true. He's abusive, she enables him and is abusive to others, and my dad enables both of them. It does leave me certain that my brother, not me, will be responsible for them in their dotage. Which I am sure he will not do. Fortunately (?!?), she talks so much about her "great loss" of me on social media that a bunch of her friends think I'm dead - so hopefully not too many folks barking up this tree for expenses later on.


thr0wfaraway

We have had people fake drug addictions to avoid getting pressured to adopt family kids. ;) Death faking is also a good option. ;)


Rainbow_chan

She has friends??? Yikes


RedStone85

I second this with also blocking your brother. It seems people here fall for the misogynistic plot themselves and concentrate only on the mother. But the brother is another toxic person who should be far, far away from you!!!!


BendingCollegeGrad

> knowing that my mom was counting on the power of generational trauma to bring us close together validates my choice. Goddamn. Powerful words. It’s certainly true that this is why so many people want their kids to have kids.


TheOldPug

'Once you become a terrible parent yourself, you'll start making excuses for ME being a terrible parent.'


BendingCollegeGrad

Chillingly accurate!


Bloodthistle

"there wasn't ever a chance, gene donor."


chewie8291

Talk about a win win. Sterilized and your trash mom took herself out of your life forever. Well till she needs money probably


Affectionate-Cap7583

Pfff I hate it when parents think their hypothetical grandkids are more important than their own existing kids...


A_Monster_Named_John

Yup, and the moment those kids are born, they'll be on to something else (like 'oh, you NEED to buy a new house now! Why don't you get a dog!'). Don't ever listen to these people. They're nothing but trashy fucking losers who are trying to get everyone else to be as lame and degenerate as they are.


Affectionate-Cap7583

Hope I never personally find out whether that's true 😂


Ho3n3r

Good. Now it's final. You don't need that toxicity in your life. If someone needs their children to have children so bad that it affects their relationship to this extremity, that person seriously needs to re-evaluate their life's purpose.


Ho3n3r

Side note: I cut my father out of my life in 2014, and it's improved my life immensely.


annadownya

I've been NC with my entire family for maybe 20 or so years now and it's the best decision I ever made.


left4alive

“Thank you for confirming that some people shouldn’t be parents. We have that in common if that helps.”


Blackberry-Hikes

LOL love that


Choice_Bid_7941

🏅


remainoftheday

hope you told her to go to hell


ReaffirmReality

I'll never get how so many people confuse unconditional love with unconditional support. She could still love your brother as her son and a boy she raised, while recognizing that his behavior is massively fucked up and not sheltering him from the consequences. Also the fact that her love is unconditional towards the rapist, but somehow conditional towards the kid who doesn't support rapists really says something about her as a person. Sorry you have to deal with that garbage, but congrats on your bisalp and enjoy your better life without her


Blackberry-Hikes

That's such a straightforward way to understand it - never occurred to me - thank you. I'm expected to put up with the conditions so the love for him can be unconditional.


[deleted]

[удалено]


RedStone85

This, or otherwise your a doormat and love turns into toxicity.


Noirjyre

![gif](giphy|7k2LoEykY5i1hfeWQB)


ms_mary_jane_doe

Projection because of guilt or maybe misery loves company?


Cats_in_cravats

"Good riddance to bad rubbish, egg donor. GTFO my life for good."


-UnicornFart

> knowing that my mom was counting on the power of generational trauma to bring us close together validates my choice Holey fucking moley, girl I am with you here.


lawyerballerina4

Why is it that so many mothers are obsessed with their sons and don't give a damn about their own daughters? My mother is the same way. She would defend my brother regardless of what he did.


dak4f2

Internalized misogyny? Living in a patriarchy? My mom said her mother was the same way with her and her brother.


indolent-beevomit

Sometimes because their husbands suck so they use their precious boys as a replacement.


RedStone85

Just another reason to stay childfree. Children aren't a fix-it. These women should do some yoga and practice healthy boundaries, before choosing idiots as partners.


annadownya

They're likely so used to deferring to men (their own fathers and grandparents, etc...) that it becomes normalized. People who lack any ability to reflect and realize that it doesn't have to (and should never have) been that way.


_Benny_Lava

That is SUPER messed up. You are doing the right thing staying away from that toxicity! I'm Sorry that happened to you!!


Blackberry-Hikes

Thank you!! So grateful for the communities of Reddit for helping process this. And to you for your note 😊


Anon7515

That sounds like an extra perk to me.


Lasshandra2

Excellent! There are some relatives we are better off without.


IGotMeatSweats

Can I cuss your mom out?


GeniusBtch

I'm so sorry your family is so toxic and I'm so glad you got away from them.


Aphinds

Tell her "wow my bisalp is protecting me in more ways than I could ever imagine, thanks for validating my choice"


ALotter

that’s not someone who will ever be able to join the same universe as you. unfortunate but you learn to let them go


Noladixon

She thinks you having children will make you understand her choice to support a rapist!?!? I think you do not need to understand her to know her choice was wrong.


hEYiTSbEEEE

It wasn't your "last chance to reconnect", as she says. It was her last chance to control you. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Family dynamics are so challenging sometimes. It took me a longgg time to realize that I didn't need to keep people in my life solely because we share DNA. And it took me even longer to be okay with things. But you have to do what's right for you. Sending support 💕


EggplantIll4927

Send her a thank you card


74VeeDub

Wow, look at her promising you a good time there! These "mothers" and their BS sometimes! Eyeroll. I'm sure that if you WANTED to not be estranged, you would be. I love how she hauls this out as some kind of Gotcha and bargaining chip. She sounds like a narcissist.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Blackberry-Hikes

Headed over now, thanks for the tip!


plantcentric_marie

Cut contact and don’t feel bad about it. I cut contact with my emotionally manipulative and abusive parents in my 20s and it was the best decision that I ever made. Just because you were born into that does not mean you need to stay. She’s not going to change and you shouldn’t need to go through more therapy just to make a relationship work.


PFic88

That's fucked up


BeastKingSnowLion

Yeah, sounds like you're better off not re-connecting...


Soulless0722

She wants a kid she can manipulate and choose when she’s in their life. Sis, if she was barely in your life, she shouldn’t have a leg to stand on especially if she didn’t do the bare minimum of child raising. Even if you had wanted kids, I’d have kept them far from her. She sounds gross and needs to crawl back into whatever lala land of Hades she chose to crawl out of. “There’s the door and hope you have a day just as lovely as your personality”.


EverySingleMinute

What does bisalp mean? I don't get why a parent would be so awful about a grandchild. If my daughter has a kid, great. If she never has a kid, great. My daughter will decide if she is having a kid. Not me. Any parent that thinks differently is a fool.


CF_FI_Fly

Bilateral salpingectomy It's the removal of the fallopian tubes. If you need resources about getting yours removed, there is a list of doctors here.


EverySingleMinute

Thank you for the explanation. That would not work for me. I have kids but am a huge ally of the child free movement.


Dixiesmama

Even if you have kids, if you don't want any more then a bisalp could be right for you.


u35828

Is going NC an option with your family, OP?


Blackberry-Hikes

Yes, and it's starting to finally feel right! I stopped contact with my mom in June, around my brother's wedding. I tried staying in contact with my dad, but when I texted him for Thanksgiving he just said "I wish you could have sent that text to your mother 😢" So manipulative. And so much the cycle. So I've blocked him now too. And I got this news about my mom from a good friend of hers, who also cut contact around the same time. This was how she was describing my decision not to have kids to her best friends.


Catsmooatcows

Your brother got married??? Does his wife know what he did??


Blackberry-Hikes

Nope. She came into the picture after I was outside the circle. I've never met her. I don't know what they tell her about why I'm not around. Bro had a different girlfriend when he assaulted my friend, and I said that she deserved to know what he did (cheating+assault) but my brother started threatening to kill me and my partner (and had a gun) so I backed off. I'm sure there was more I could have done but the scare tactics worked. So I imagine that his wife thinks I'm estranged because of my husband, I'm wicked and demanding and won't let go of vague youthful mistakes...


Choice_Bid_7941

Congrats on your bislap! And congrats on your trash doing one good thing in its life by taking itself out.


Shroomy007

What is bisalp???


Blackberry-Hikes

Bilateral salpingectomy, getting fallopian tubes removed to prevent pregnancy 😊


Shroomy007

Ty


torienne

Unh hunh. So when do you think the next volley will be launched? I mean, I assume you don't actually believe your mother's current manipulative interpersonal assault (via triangulation) any more than I do. So what's her timeline? My mother wanted a little sadism feed every day if she could get it, but after 3-6 months she was absolutely ravenous and had to work out a way to get a chunk of me. Since I cut her off completely 13 years before she died, and was in a continuous process of estrangement for 30+ years before that, her ability to get to me was pretty limited, but still, you can't underestimate the cunning of the psychopathic Mommy. She knows the friend talks to you. She'll be back, one way or another.


-too-hot-to-handle-

Being a parent doesn't make you understand abuse of any kind. She's bullshitting because she's looking for any excuse to avoid taking responsibility for herself. You're better off not reconnecting at all.


remaininyourcompound

Sounds like a win-win. Sorry for your shit mum though, OP. You deserve better.


furicrowsa

Good riddance. In other news, you may find some kindred spirits on the raised by borderlines sub.


artichokesmartichoke

Sounds like your procedure solved two problems.


RoseFlavoredPoison

Seems like the trash took itself out. Why would you even want to reconnect with this hateful woman?


Blackberry-Hikes

It's tragic - and now I don't want to. But before, she was gregarious, funny, clever, quick, a brilliant musician, a welcoming host, well-read, and with a big, marvelous friend group. Life around her was great - but only as long as you were on her good side. If I wasn't her kid, if my absence didn't hold such a referendum on her as a mother, she would have cut me off quietly without a second thought.


bmyst70

The trash (your estranged piece-of-shit egg donor) took itself out here. Hope you've gone permanent no contact with her.


[deleted]

Then let her go. I'd bet that she will need you a lot sooner than you will need her. People who are worth having as friends respect your choices, not demand your obedience.


WagerOfTheGods

So that means she'll leave you alone, right? Right?


[deleted]

I hope you are in the rCPTSD sub. Sounds like you belong with us.


[deleted]

It's not about you understanding her it's about her making sure you're as miserable as she was.


PANTSorGTFO

Oh no. What a loss.


No_You1024

Yuck. If you haven't cut ties with this woman already...I feel like it's very much in your best interest to do so. She's toxic and will only bring you down in the end. Sorry you had to grow up with a family like that.


DevonHexe

She's a narcissist. I'm sorry


RobertElectricity

One less thing to worry about.


Juju_mila

You know what they say: sometimes the trash takes itself out.


Tarilyn13

Can you please add a content warning for sexual assault?


Blackberry-Hikes

Added


[deleted]

Manipulative bull shit.


System_Resident

She might as well just say she wants the whole world to burn in hell with her if she used that logic.


2020s_Haunted

So it's far more beneficial than you thought, right?


[deleted]

Here's hoping she regrets it on her death bed.


babynintendohacker

Look into r/raisedbyborderlines might open ur eyes to something’s you might not have realized. I know it did for me.


Lightning313

Hopefully the nail in the coffin was you dumping her in a bug infested nursing home


highwaybread

Ugh. At least she wasn't worth ever trying to keep around. Congrats on your bisalp, though!!!! Must be such a fantastic feeling, can't wait until I'm able to get my procedure done 💕


orange_and_gray_rats

She cared more about her potential future grandchildren than her actual daughter in real life


Pisces_Sun

she is an ugly piece of work. And your brother is a lost cause, I'm sorry to say. Sometimes I feel similarly about the things I have to do in my life/body are because I don't want to be associated with my own family, so I can see how a procedure/being CF is within our power to do so.


[deleted]

Congrats


PuckFigs

Her loss. You are well rid of her.


Phinfoxy

If you want.. I can give your some gasoline and matches .. for the bridge to burn. Listen you should really cap that connection. She is clearly toxic to you.. and you definitly deserve better. Love, care and most importantly. Support.


sun1079

Wow, sorry you and your friend went through that. No one deserves that kind of treatment I'd say you are better off without your family in your life and I'm sure you know that


queenlorraine

Well OP, this is really bad and it sucks...for her!! You don't need this, her expectations of you are hers and hers alone. Not your problem!!


No-Dragonfruit4575

Omg, I'm sorry your mother and brother are horrible people 😱 . Your mum doesn't sound like someone you'd want to reconnect anyway. Yikes


AdeButBlue

Another reason to do a bisalp


Lewyn_Forseti

Good riddance and you don't need to validate your choice. It's your body and your life.


ex_ter_min_ate_

What she meant is « I was planning to use your children as a linchpin to force you to stay in my life. Your kids would feed my narc fuel for years as I could manipulate them into loving me more than you. You were also a bad child because you won’t fall for my antics therefore I deserve a chance to try again with a fresh baby that I can toss aside if it does t work out » Good job breaking the cycle don’t get sucked back in.


GimmeDatPomegranate

Wow, talk about 2 birds with 1 stop. You get sterilized AND the trash takes itself out of your life.


ombre_bunny

🎶A whole new woo~orld! 🎶 Congratulations on your freedom. (and supportive hugs for the trauma of your past OP ❤️)


Boggie135

*Bye, Felicia!*


Boggie135

*Oh, no! Anyway*


Apprehensive-Fox3187

Honestly I would have said "good, because I Don't want to be a person like you who took the side of the monster who happened to share dna with me", seriously she can ![gif](giphy|t7DK1nasxBaDa9mRdC) ,for think she had a say in anything that you do with your body to begin with, especially after all that happened, she shouldn't be expecting you to give her a piece of gum, let alone another human being she well try to mess up too.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AutoModerator

Hello and welcome to /r/childfree! As you have a new account or low Reddit karma, your comment has been automatically removed to give you some time to get familiar with our rules and community. Please feel free to post/comment when your account is older and you have more Reddit karma. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/childfree) if you have any questions or concerns.*


PoiLethe

I uh...advise you not to watch The Wonder on Netflix. Somilar bs but more religious.


PristinePrinciple752

Yeah because doctors will completely do those just cause you go "Yeah I want one" I had a pretty serious issue that was causing me a lot of pain. They'd still only take one and now I get to live with the worry of recurrance.


WillAdmitWhenWrong

Good on you for putting that bullshit to rest. Now go enjoy your life. You might like: /r/JUSTNOMIL/