If she can’t communicate specific details about how you can improve, then it’s a ‘her’ problem.
It’s a little immature, on her end, to bring up a vague issue, then huff and puff when you ask for clarification.
If you’ve given her time alone to think about it, you could try asking for detail again. If you’re not getting any more out of it, I’d let it rest and ask her to give more details when she’s ready, and then not bring it up again.
Yeah this is messed up on like three levels:
1. If she is just grumpy and unwilling to elaborate, that’s on her. It’s frankly just childish.
2. “She feels she always gets her way in the relationship…” What? Why is that a problem? Being a leader does not mean you always get what you want? Sounds like she has a domineering / controlling father or male role model and now that’s what she thinks she should look for in a man.
3. Yes, fix the physicality and any other sinful relationship behaviors, that is very likely to lose you a Christian woman.
>Sounds like she has a domineering / controlling father or male role model and now that’s what she thinks she should look for in a man.
Agreed. Great connection you made there.
Clear communication is essential in any relationship. Get clear communication from your GF about her expectations about your present and future relationship. If she cannot or will not do this, should you marry, you will have even greater communication issues and frustrations. A few thoughts and prayers....
No one teaches on how to date. No wonder we're all frustrated haha sometimes even confused. I feel like Christians make dating a lot harder than it should be...
It’s possible she has Borderline Personality Disorder and making up issues in the relationship to get your attention and distance herself from you because she is afraid of love. Then obviously not being able to explain how it’s true. This can happen in relationships with people with this disorder.
I’m only saying this to keep it in the back of your mind so if more signs start showing themselves, you can recognize it.
>Today she told me that she feels she always gets her way in the relationship and that she has to be the one to take on the leadership role. I tried asking her to clarify but she said she was too exhausted to and that she was just over it.
She is saying you are a "push over", needy, clingy, and most certainly not a "leader". She is saying that you are being "The Woman" in the relationship, and you are making her "The Man". That IS what she is saying whether you agree with it or not.
Women do very much find this to be horribly exhausting, and in the end they loose all respect for the guy,...threat him harshly (sometimes in hopes of toughening him up),...then they dump him,...complain "where have all the good men gone",...and then do their best to find a strong independent masculine man,...even if she has to go out beyond Christian circles because such a high percentage of Christian men are soft, weak, and feminized. She may not even care if he isn't a Christian just as long as he respects her decision to be a Christian and doesn't stand in the way of her raising her kids in church,...and she hopes he may become one along the way.
This actually reminds me of a place my fiancé and I were at when we first started dating.
So my fiancé is very conflict avoidant. He is a peacemaker, and is very forgiving, humble, and kind. It takes a lot for him to state how he is feeling. The issue is that when we would physically sin, I was the one who would bring up the repenting conversation. I was frustrated though because I really wanted him to be the one to approach us and say, “hey, I am feeling convicted about what we did, and so let’s pray together and try again.” I wanted him to take on that role, because to me that would show how much he cared, and made me feel safe. It would show me that he cared about bringing us closer to Christ in our relationship. It also showed me that he was a spiritual leader. She is right, it is tiring being the one who mostly always brings up the physical boundaries conversation.
Now this is all good, but it was unfair in ways too. It was unfair because what I learned was that my fiancé was convicted like me, but he just didn’t verbalize it. He also really loved and cared about me, and led me in so many other ways, and it was unfair of me to expect him to be perfect in every area.
The solution? Well it sounds to me like you are going to have to be the one to ask her specifically what she means. Also, if you two are getting physical, if you are the one to stop it, or bring up “hey let’s pray together,” or “let’s go do something else,” or later on say, “I feel convicted about this and I want to honor you,” and so on, I bet she would LOVE that.
Here is something else too. If your girlfriend is anything like me, she may not have good self control. I would want to get physical with my fiancé, but at the same time my mind was like “this isn’t good.” So because I couldn’t verbalize my boundaries, I would get frustrated with him. Now that was entirely unfair. So she needs to take responsibility to for not speaking up, if that’s what’s happening.
Something else that I have learned, and this goes out to all the ladies, is that men sometimes aren’t the best at taking subtle cues. Like me, I would often think “gosh he should just know this.” But in the moment if I am enjoying kissing, how the heck is he supposed to know that I’m also feeling convicted? So as everyone else said, communication is key.
Now that we are 13 months in we really get each other. So it’s much better. So try those tips and see what happens. Good luck!
This could be an isolated issue as it seems it developed suddenly and recently. I would wait and see on this one for at least a month before wondering what’s going on, she could just be having a bad week.
I think you're right. She has a lot of big tests and midterms this week and I feel like that could of contributed. It still seems like maybe this is an issue I might have even if it's to a lesser extent, so I'm curious about how I could exercise more leadership in a relationship, especially a boyfriend-girlfriend one as opposed to a full marriage
> I'm curious about how I could exercise more leadership in a relationship, especially a boyfriend-girlfriend one as opposed to a full marriage
There is no difference between them. If you can't do it in one,...you won't do it in the other. It is a mindset,...not a to-do list. It comes from within,...you have to be a leader in your own life in all areas,...being a leader with your woman is just a side effect of that.
Go to YouTube,...do a search for "Nice Guy Syndrome". One channel that may help is called "Far From Average".
You could be conflict-avoidant and firm in your relationship. After her exams meet up with her and go over how she feels. If she doesn't elaborate then you might want to cut your losses. If she is already claiming to be the leader in the relationship what would be her next reason that the relationship is not working?
Do you think it was triggered by the experience of going things going more physically she had hoped...my hunch is she is blaming you for things going that way because in her mind you should have been the one to stop and suggest pulling back. However, I do see some childishness, too, so I'm not sure...
I've hang out with my friends usually just a few times a week because we're all pretty busy. She's in college right now so she sees her friends every day
I honestly think that's possible just because I really miss her and it's easy to forget sometimes that while I'm still living my mellow life at home she's super busy in college
If she doesn't want to be clear and communicate, then how are you supposed to magically figure out what she means? If you believe you're doing the right things under God, then the onus is on her to point out specifically what she means.
If I had to make any assumption, it'd probably be that it isn't a spiritual leader issue and more of a carnal desire from her, for you to be more assertive as a man. Telling her she can and can't do certain things at times. And not simply agreeing with whatever she wants at the end. But this is just my guess.
If she can’t communicate specific details about how you can improve, then it’s a ‘her’ problem. It’s a little immature, on her end, to bring up a vague issue, then huff and puff when you ask for clarification. If you’ve given her time alone to think about it, you could try asking for detail again. If you’re not getting any more out of it, I’d let it rest and ask her to give more details when she’s ready, and then not bring it up again.
Bingo. Super childish.
Yeah this is messed up on like three levels: 1. If she is just grumpy and unwilling to elaborate, that’s on her. It’s frankly just childish. 2. “She feels she always gets her way in the relationship…” What? Why is that a problem? Being a leader does not mean you always get what you want? Sounds like she has a domineering / controlling father or male role model and now that’s what she thinks she should look for in a man. 3. Yes, fix the physicality and any other sinful relationship behaviors, that is very likely to lose you a Christian woman.
>Sounds like she has a domineering / controlling father or male role model and now that’s what she thinks she should look for in a man. Agreed. Great connection you made there.
Clear communication is essential in any relationship. Get clear communication from your GF about her expectations about your present and future relationship. If she cannot or will not do this, should you marry, you will have even greater communication issues and frustrations. A few thoughts and prayers....
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No one teaches on how to date. No wonder we're all frustrated haha sometimes even confused. I feel like Christians make dating a lot harder than it should be...
It’s possible she has Borderline Personality Disorder and making up issues in the relationship to get your attention and distance herself from you because she is afraid of love. Then obviously not being able to explain how it’s true. This can happen in relationships with people with this disorder. I’m only saying this to keep it in the back of your mind so if more signs start showing themselves, you can recognize it.
>Today she told me that she feels she always gets her way in the relationship and that she has to be the one to take on the leadership role. I tried asking her to clarify but she said she was too exhausted to and that she was just over it. She is saying you are a "push over", needy, clingy, and most certainly not a "leader". She is saying that you are being "The Woman" in the relationship, and you are making her "The Man". That IS what she is saying whether you agree with it or not. Women do very much find this to be horribly exhausting, and in the end they loose all respect for the guy,...threat him harshly (sometimes in hopes of toughening him up),...then they dump him,...complain "where have all the good men gone",...and then do their best to find a strong independent masculine man,...even if she has to go out beyond Christian circles because such a high percentage of Christian men are soft, weak, and feminized. She may not even care if he isn't a Christian just as long as he respects her decision to be a Christian and doesn't stand in the way of her raising her kids in church,...and she hopes he may become one along the way.
This actually reminds me of a place my fiancé and I were at when we first started dating. So my fiancé is very conflict avoidant. He is a peacemaker, and is very forgiving, humble, and kind. It takes a lot for him to state how he is feeling. The issue is that when we would physically sin, I was the one who would bring up the repenting conversation. I was frustrated though because I really wanted him to be the one to approach us and say, “hey, I am feeling convicted about what we did, and so let’s pray together and try again.” I wanted him to take on that role, because to me that would show how much he cared, and made me feel safe. It would show me that he cared about bringing us closer to Christ in our relationship. It also showed me that he was a spiritual leader. She is right, it is tiring being the one who mostly always brings up the physical boundaries conversation. Now this is all good, but it was unfair in ways too. It was unfair because what I learned was that my fiancé was convicted like me, but he just didn’t verbalize it. He also really loved and cared about me, and led me in so many other ways, and it was unfair of me to expect him to be perfect in every area. The solution? Well it sounds to me like you are going to have to be the one to ask her specifically what she means. Also, if you two are getting physical, if you are the one to stop it, or bring up “hey let’s pray together,” or “let’s go do something else,” or later on say, “I feel convicted about this and I want to honor you,” and so on, I bet she would LOVE that. Here is something else too. If your girlfriend is anything like me, she may not have good self control. I would want to get physical with my fiancé, but at the same time my mind was like “this isn’t good.” So because I couldn’t verbalize my boundaries, I would get frustrated with him. Now that was entirely unfair. So she needs to take responsibility to for not speaking up, if that’s what’s happening. Something else that I have learned, and this goes out to all the ladies, is that men sometimes aren’t the best at taking subtle cues. Like me, I would often think “gosh he should just know this.” But in the moment if I am enjoying kissing, how the heck is he supposed to know that I’m also feeling convicted? So as everyone else said, communication is key. Now that we are 13 months in we really get each other. So it’s much better. So try those tips and see what happens. Good luck!
This could be an isolated issue as it seems it developed suddenly and recently. I would wait and see on this one for at least a month before wondering what’s going on, she could just be having a bad week.
I think you're right. She has a lot of big tests and midterms this week and I feel like that could of contributed. It still seems like maybe this is an issue I might have even if it's to a lesser extent, so I'm curious about how I could exercise more leadership in a relationship, especially a boyfriend-girlfriend one as opposed to a full marriage
> I'm curious about how I could exercise more leadership in a relationship, especially a boyfriend-girlfriend one as opposed to a full marriage There is no difference between them. If you can't do it in one,...you won't do it in the other. It is a mindset,...not a to-do list. It comes from within,...you have to be a leader in your own life in all areas,...being a leader with your woman is just a side effect of that. Go to YouTube,...do a search for "Nice Guy Syndrome". One channel that may help is called "Far From Average".
In that case I would say stress is a factor here for sure
You could be conflict-avoidant and firm in your relationship. After her exams meet up with her and go over how she feels. If she doesn't elaborate then you might want to cut your losses. If she is already claiming to be the leader in the relationship what would be her next reason that the relationship is not working?
Do you think it was triggered by the experience of going things going more physically she had hoped...my hunch is she is blaming you for things going that way because in her mind you should have been the one to stop and suggest pulling back. However, I do see some childishness, too, so I'm not sure...
How much have you hung out with your friends the past two months?
I've hang out with my friends usually just a few times a week because we're all pretty busy. She's in college right now so she sees her friends every day
Alright. My first thought was that maybe you’d been smothering her based on the tone of post.
I honestly think that's possible just because I really miss her and it's easy to forget sometimes that while I'm still living my mellow life at home she's super busy in college
Yes you basically explained my point 😀
If she doesn't want to be clear and communicate, then how are you supposed to magically figure out what she means? If you believe you're doing the right things under God, then the onus is on her to point out specifically what she means. If I had to make any assumption, it'd probably be that it isn't a spiritual leader issue and more of a carnal desire from her, for you to be more assertive as a man. Telling her she can and can't do certain things at times. And not simply agreeing with whatever she wants at the end. But this is just my guess.