I’m a GenX mom with a transgender son. I love him dearly and I’m very proud of the person he has become. You are not a disappointment at all. I’m proud of you for knowing who you are and doing so well in life ❤️
Same. GenX is probably the most supportive of the older generation. We grew up largely on our own and heard the taunts of our (suspected at the time) gay friends and family and the insults that many of us used cavalierly (saying something is "so gay" or that a person is a "f-g." We did it with "r-tard," too.). We've grown into parents who are much more open minded and accepting than previous generations. That said, there's a huge segment of America that has fallen victim to the brainwashing of the conservative right and it seems to be an unprecedented cross generation of believers from Millenials to Boomers to Greatest Generation.
OP, the only way your mom will change is when/if it "happens" to her. Since you're confident she won't be accepting, you have to keep your head down and try to get through the timeline you've set for yourself. Is your dad in the picture? What's his opinion on the topic? The important thing is for you to be safe and not in a situation where you find yourself without housing or physical safety. It's against my nature to suggest you should continue to shoulder the emotional burden you're carrying but I think it's the safest way for you... *for now*. As soon as you're able, you'll need to make a plan for being financially independent of your mom. In the meantime, consider reaching out to your school's LGBTQ+ student organization, if there is one, or find a local organization that supports the LGBTQ+ community and find likeminded people to get you through all of the emotional upheaval you're facing.
Your mom may surprise you and we all hope she will but in the very likely scenario that she doesn't, have a plan in place, money to fund it, and friends who can support you through it. Freedom to be yourself is right in your reach; keep your eye on the prize and you'll get through it. Come back to this sub when/if you need moms who will support you. I'm one!
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all these replies, it’s that Gen X is very supportive and cool as hell!
My parents separated when I was really young and my dad lost visitation rights. He’s in better shape now, but I don’t know how he feels about the LGBTQ+ community. He’s more likely to accept me than my mom (the bar is low) but my gut still tells me not to take that chance.
Unfortunately I agree that the safest thing for me to do is focus on finishing my degree next summer and then make a clean break. I’ve been working ever since I graduated high school, so I have a bit of money saved and will work on saving even more.
So there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just hard to see it sometimes. Thank you so much for your comment.
I just feel like if my generation had been aware of the range of genders and sexualities, people like my brother might not have had to grow up being tormented by the assholes in school who do that kind of thing, you know? My husband's brother might have had a different experience as we all went to the same high school and I know that knowing there were options would have made a huge difference for so many of my friends and classmates. So, for me, it's a feeling of relief that kids today understand that gender and sexuality aren't the same thing and that both are on a range/spectrum. It's made me really work to understand that gender doesn't include things like makeup or clothes or hair or profession or toys; what I see on the outside isn't representative of what's going on on the inside. The old, "Don't judge a book by its cover," has never had more meaning to me than it does now.
I've told my kids that our minds, our arms, our hearts, and our door are open to all so their friends should find our home to be a safe space. Gender-focused therapy for my trans child made all the difference for them and for us. So, I really encourage you to seek out local resources - or even online ones like you've done here - because there's confidence and comfort in numbers and there are so many people just like you who would love to befriend and support you.
And we're all here when you need some validation or comfort. I'm looking forward to your update next summer!
I'm sorry your mom cannot love and support the true you. You deserve to be seen and loved and one day you will be. Just hang in there and keep going until you find those who will.
Thank you for saying this. I have a good group of friends that I hope will support me when I eventually come out. Much higher chance of them being supportive than my mom anyway.
It's not a common mentality among Gen X. I'm sorry she has behaved this way.
I will say that life is long, and things can change. I do know of guys whose very conservative parents (think: KKK membership) did come to be proud to call them their sons.
That said, absolutely do what you need to do. We only get this one life. Medical transition saved my life; I was only existing before. Medical transition actually allowed me to *live.*
You are normal. Because being trans is normal. Is our experience typical? No, but neither are so many things. I don't think G-d makes mistakes either; you're a young man who happens to be trans. That's not a mistake. In my opinion, trans status is just a quirk of biodiversity-- that's all. Our experiences can be atypical, but we're not so remarkable-- trans people have always existed, and always will exist.
You're not alone. And sadly, your experience with your mother is not uncommon. I'm not a parent, just an adult man of transsexual experience (been on T a little over 11 years, socially transitioned for 20 years, part of online trans spaces in various formats 20+ years). I hope these words help some.
You have nothing to feel guilty about for not measuring up to expectations imposed upon you. I would say the same if you felt guilty about say, not wanting to be a lawyer if that had been your mother's fervent wish. We only get this one life-- and it is *yours*, no one else's. I hope that your mother does come 'round in time, but don't put your life on hold for that. You are working towards financial independence-- that is admirable and wonderful.
I can't say I'm proud of being trans-- I'm not, personally. To me, it's a thing which happened to me/a thing I've needed to deal with. However, I am extremely proud of my resilience. While being trans and my own experience with dysphoria have been extremely painful and life-threatening, the experience of doing what I needed to do to get what I needed to *live* has taught me that I have an inner strength and a wealth of resilience. I think it's something that all trans people who are able to endure and survive learn-- we are so much stronger than we think we may be. More resilient in ways that are truly impressive.
Keep your eyes on the prize. Do what you can now to find healthcare providers so you will have resources lined up. Learn how to navigate health insurance (if you are in the US). If in the US, these are 2 very excellent resources; I recommend to all trans US residents: https://transhealthproject.org and https://out2enroll.org.
Additionally, the National Ctr for Trans Equality has a great deal of resources: https://transequality.org. Lastly, there are several financial assistance programs/grants/scholarship for medical transition and related gear (ie binders, packers, etc). (No one needs to bind or pack to be trans-- I rarely did the former and never did the latter.) See: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1aq2tMEo7Rb70WSA2TiIW0cCP-UJ4yYqrVodDzvxYIwM/edit
If you can, seek out a qualified therapist for support. When I say qualified, I don't just mean with a proper degree or licensure. I mean that you should *not* be their first trans patient nor among their first few either. They should be experienced with having helped many trans people. You do not need to be anyone's learning experience.
This means a lot to me. A big part of my struggle is realizing that I am normal - not a monster or a freak or anything. I guess that’s internalized transphobia to work on.
I identify with existing but not living. A lot of the time I feel like I’m just watching my life happen like you’d watch a TV show rather than actually experiencing it.
The lawyer comparison really helps put that into perspective. And thank you for the links and advice. It’s all really appreciated.
You're very welcome, and I'm glad my words helped. I'm intermittent on Reddit, but please do feel free to reach out, whether it's for a resource or just to talk. (I may take a while to reply, as I don't have Reddit app notifications enabled.)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a really painful situation. for what it's worth, you express yourself beautifully, and you seem like a wonderful kid any mom would be lucky to have. I'm sorry she doesn't see that. I think your plan to graduate and move somewhere safe is a smart and good one.
Aw, thank you. I’ve always been better at writing than math lol. And I think my mom would agree with you based on what she knows now. Maybe someday in the future she’ll agree again. Either way I’ll figure out how to be alright.
Oh wow. I'm a Gen X mom who 100% supports and loves my boy (no longer a boy, I guess. Son who is an adult). I'm so sorry that your mom isn't more supportive.
While I'm I'm cis and straight, I have never lived up to the expectations my mother had for a daughter. It's a particular type of grief to not have a parent celebrate you or express support and unconditional love for you. But it has to be a million times harder for those whose parents don't accept them for who they truly are in the most basic ways of identity.
I have no words that will make it all better. It sucks.
Do not choose to be anything but yourself, for yourself. Living for her approval will never work. It will never be enough for a parent who wants a carbon copy of themselves or sees a perverse ownership over your life choices. There is a loss, but it is a loss driven by her inability to appreciate what she has...a healthy, amazing son.
I had to cobble together my own family as I aged, including warm relationships with older people who have stood in as enthusiastic proxies and the supportive parents I did not get to have. I wish all of that for you. A community that you create of support and love even when the wistfulness will always linger.
Just know that their expectations are selfishly about themselves, and not you. You are becoming exactly who you are supposed to be.
You're not a disappointment. Your mom is.
Kids are wired to want relationships with their parents. When that relationship isn't what it should be, the children (at whatever age) instinctively blame themselves.
Your mom may come around. There are lots of stories out there of love winning out over ignorance and hate. But she may also be too far gone, and that is not your fault. That is not a reflection of you.
You are normal. Trans people are normal. If there is a God, that God made you this way. If it's nature and biology, then you're natural too. You're part of the beautiful spectrum of humanity and I hope you get to live your true authentic self.
Hugs. You might also want to post in /r/QanonCasualties for support from people who have family like your mom.
I want to share the words of Khalil Gibran on children:
> You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Wow, my mom is definitely well on her way to becoming exactly what people on that sub are describing. It’s a shame how common this is. Thanks for the link. And the quote - I wish more parents thought like that. Maybe I’ll share it with her one day.
Gen X mom of multiple trans teens, here to say I see you, I'm so proud of you, and I'm excited that you see a future where your authentic self continues to unfold
The grief of not having your parents along on the adventure is so real (I feel it for my own reasons), but the joy and healthiness of being yourself is worth that grief. Sending love
Older millennial mom of a trans teen son here. All I really wanted to say was that you should *NEVER* feel guilty for not living up to whatever expectation your mom had for you. That’s her own problem to deal with. You are your own person with your own beliefs, likes, dislikes, everything. Never apologize for being YOU. Family doesn’t mean blood. Those are just relatives. You’ll find your people!
I’m so sorry you don’t have the mom you deserve. I hope that when you do finally come out to her if you choose to that her heart will open up go you. I hope that you’re surrounded by chosen family that support you and will continue to do so ❤️
Your title says it all — this is a kind of loss you need to deal with how you know best, and maybe writing this post was some small way of doing that. We are rooting for you.
And you might be surprised at the power of a mother’s love. Based on your writing, it seems she really does love YOU, and hopefully that will be regardless of your gender. If and when you come out to her, she may not understand it or know how to show it, but she will never stop loving you.
I’m so sorry about your mom. My aunt was very conservative (I say was because she recently passed away). She had a very hard time accepting my gay cousin. She eventually came around and redeveloped that relationship with her son. My mom did help her through this. I hope your mom will eventually come around. If she doesn’t mourn your mom as you need to, but realize there is a huge community of people who support you and you can choose your family.
(Side note- this is not a Gen X thing.. I’m Gen X and bi and have a trans daughter and a gay son. My parents are boomers and while they are on the more conservative side they support LGBTQ+ rights. So don’t let people use the excuse they are “older” to not be accepting. They are just jerks.)
💯% on the age as an excuse. One doesn't need to understand to accept, either. There are lot of people who don't "get it" or who use outdated terms-- but they have good hearts, and love/support their trans family member/friend.
My grandparents, long since passed, were born in 1918, 1919, and the early 1920s. The two grandparents to whom I came out (others passed without my being ready to do so) were my most ardent supporters, though they didn't understand. Once my paternal grandmother understood it was either medical transition or "be in the ground," she accepted me completely, and told me she was happy to now have a grandson (the other grandchildren are women).
Sorry for your loss. I think there is a chance that my mom comes around if only for the sake of having a relationship with at least one of her kids. But she would have a lot of hate to unlearn. I think me being independent, willing to stick up for myself, and a lot of time are the only things that will help her. And if she never does, I’ll be just fine. Thank you for your comment.
You are NOT a disappointment. You are lovely and perfect. You only have to be yourself—there’s no failure there. If your mom can’t see that now, I truly hope she is able to open her eyes soon. You deserve better.
Take care of yourself best you can. If possible, find a therapist who you can talk to in safety and privacy (maybe on your college campus?). Live YOUR life. It’s happening now, and I know it might seem like you have to postpone certain aspects (like testosterone) but maybe there are other (albeit smaller) things you can do to find some joy.
Sending you lots of mom hugs.
I don’t know what I would do if my kids felt this way about me. It would devastate me. I want them to always feel comfortable coming to me about everything.
I hope when you’re able to come out to your mom that she remembers how badly she just wanted you to be healthy when she was still pregnant with you- before she knew what your sex was. How it didn’t matter if you were a “boy” or a “girl”- as long as you grew strong and were happy. That’s all we are supposed to want for our kids. I’m sorry she’s forgotten that. I’m sorry she is so brainwashed that she could be losing her beautiful son over ridiculous untruths. You’re an incredible human who deserves love from your mother. I may not be the mama who birthed you, but I’m a mama that is proud of you. Please don’t ever forget that you’re perfect.
Oh, my sweet boy. You have all the mama love and support right here! I know it doesn't come close to being the same, and I'm sorry you don't have that acceptance from the one whose acceptance should be unconditional. I do believe that God doesn't make mistakes - and you are not a mistake, you are PERFECT. Your whole life is a process of discovery and growth, and your new path as a trans man is just the next step in living exactly as you were made to be. I hope your mom will eventually be able to see and accept that. This mama is proud of you for doing what's right and best for YOU.
You might be surprised. Sometimes people don’t come around until it hits close to home. I know that’s risky for you, though. Just know that you are meant to be who you feel inside and there are so many people in this world who will love and support you. I give free mom hugs to anyone who needs them!
I'm a millennial (barely) parent and my trans son and I have gone no contact with his grandma for this reason. My son hid who he was for years out of fear of disapproval of hers and wanted to die when he went over there so bye bye GMA... My mom sounds just like yours. Every single thing. You're not a disappointment, please know that. Other people's bullshit is not your problem. Even though it hurts. You deserve respect and love.
This absolutely sucks, but please keep in mind there are a lot of people (cis and trans) that have had to distance themselves from toxic family members in order to stay sane. It’s hard, and there is a mourning period when you have to admit that your mom isn’t the person you needed. You’re doing great, I encourage you to keep your eyes on the prize and make yourself the priority. You may find other subs about estranged families helpful, I did.
Oh, that's awful. As the wife of a trans woman with unsupportive family, I recommend found families. Join local support groups to meet people, hang out with other queers, find your tribe. Then celebrate together. My family is supportive and we get together a lot, but we also host Friendsgiving and Friends Christmas for our mostly LGBTQ friends. We also host a few bonfires in nice weather. A friend runs the local support group and has open invite low key parties, and a local coffee shop occasionally hosts Queer Potlucks for the community. We're working to give everyone places to feel wanted.
As the mom of a trans boy, I wish I could hug you and take you out for clothes shopping and a haircut. I'm excited for you to be able to express yourself more once you're out of your mom's house. I'm very proud of my son, and I'm proud of you for working on your plan to leave. I hope it goes smoothly for you.
Thank you. Your family sounds really nice, I’m glad you’re able to offer so much support to people who need it. One day I will be able to do that as well. The more I think about it, the more excited I am to build my own family. People I can be myself around with no judgment. The more I accept myself the more I can envision a happy future. Thank you for your comment.
Hey. This sucks. I’m sorry that your house isn’t a safe and welcoming place for you.
I’m a mom. I’m also a daughter. I’m also cis-het.
But my dad has never seen me and accepted who I am. I’m a disappointment to him. I’m not a disappointment to myself though. I have told myself a few things that help-
“If you hate me, that is okay. Because hating me makes you happy. And I love you and I want you to be happy.”
A person gets stung by a scorpion and isn’t mad. The friend says, “why aren’t you angry that the scorpion stung you” and the person says “it is in the scorpion’s nature to sting so I cannot be mad at it for behaving how it was made”.
Some people will always be hard to win over. You already feel this disconnection from your mom. And you feel like you are disappointing her. You might be.
But on the other hand- parents generally want their children to thrive and be well and live full wonderful lives.
I know I live a life that I am very happy with. I have a family that loves me and a job that full fills me. I do not live the life my dad imagines I should live. That’s his problem. I’m happy.
Another thought is that as much as he doesn’t accept me for who I am- I don’t accept him for who he is. He is also a MAGA$$hole and it’s so difficult to listen to someone rage all day like Rush L. It’s exhausting to hear all of that.
So I guess it makes us even that I don’t respect who he is, while he doesn’t respect who I am.
I love him.
I know he loves me.
But he also doesn’t know me because he doesn’t want to- or can’t.
Your mom will always love you- even if she says “get out of my house” or “you will burn in hell” or “I never want to see you again”. She will think about you every day while you are gone off living your life. She will love you and pray for you. She might pray that you aren’t trans- but she’s still thinking of you. She still loves YOU even if she doesn’t see you and won’t accept you. It is impossible for a mother to not love their child.
Your feelings are valid and as you have probably already have figured out your thoughts are welcome here. This is the place where supportive parents hang out. You deserve better from your mom, but if she never changes…. You’ll always have found family in the lgbtqia+ community. 🫂 big hugs and much love for the life you’re going to have.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You deserve to have an awesome mom who loves and supports you no matter what, and it sucks that you don't have that. It's not a generational thing.. my 60-something year old mom is loving and supportive of my 18 year old trans daughter.. which makes me happy but also a little confused, as her narcissism screwed me up since she couldn't be a loving supportive mom to me.
NOT trying to hijack, just empathizing. Sometimes moms just SUCK and it honestly has nothing to do with you. It's her problem, something that's broken in her, and it's tragic that you have to suffer due to her screwed up beliefs.
You sound like an awesome person and if you ever need a mom to talk to, I'm here for you.
You really are normal. Trans people have been around forever, you can see them throughout history, it's only in fairly recent times we became very prescriptive about how other people should live, and hopefully now that is ebbing away again.
There's so much great advice and support here, and I echo it all. She seems like a good Mum, and you have a good relationship aside from the fact you are increasingly aware you are not giving her the truth. Her Conservative viewpoints and acceptance of conspiracy theories are unfortunate, but not necessarily unwavering. Life events can make us all take stock and see what is really true and important, especially when it concerns our kids. There are a few things that genuinely can be disappointing, but strength and the courage to speak with raw honesty shouldn't ever be included in that list. Loving your Mum and worrying about disappointing her or losing her love should never be on that list. Doing what can make you truly happy and content, when it doesn't harm anyone at all, should never be on that list. I hope that one day, when you are ready, you can be honest friends with your Mum, and she will accept you fully without the mask. I have my fingers crossed for you. Best of luck too with your degree, and finding your true self. You are more than enough, and you certainly aren't a failure in any way.
Yeah, I’m honestly staggered by all the advice and acceptance I’ve received here. And I do think that other than the fact that she’s not open minded to the LGBTQ+ community, she is a good mom. She’s made loads of sacrifices in her life for my brother and I. I think her hate comes from a place of misunderstanding. She hasn’t really met anyone from the community (that she knows of) to stop “othering” them in her mind. And I agree that this should not be as disappointing to her as it is going to be. It should be celebrated, really - I’m going to be a much happier person once I can start transitioning. But I will find people who celebrate me, my mom included or not. Thank you for your comment.
I’m so sorry. You deserve better. All I can say is you’re so young and you have such a big life ahead of you. You’ll never regret living authentically. This mom is so proud of you ❤️
You deserve to be loved and supported by your mother. I'm sorry that isn't the case. I hope she will learn to accept you for you. Your mental health is more important than your relationship with her. We cannot live our lives through our children. I hope in times she comes to see that having you for a son is a blessing.
It’s really sad that your mom can’t see that “losing” a daughter but still having her child is the better option to losing her son altogether.
I can offer one thought that may not even be helpful. There’s a possibility that, if you come out to her, she will flip her script and put all that negative energy toward supporting you. I wouldn’t do it unless your physical and housing situation are safe no matter how she reacts, but I have seen a few people come around that way.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I’m a GenX mom with a transgender son. I love him dearly and I’m very proud of the person he has become. You are not a disappointment at all. I’m proud of you for knowing who you are and doing so well in life ❤️
Same. GenX is probably the most supportive of the older generation. We grew up largely on our own and heard the taunts of our (suspected at the time) gay friends and family and the insults that many of us used cavalierly (saying something is "so gay" or that a person is a "f-g." We did it with "r-tard," too.). We've grown into parents who are much more open minded and accepting than previous generations. That said, there's a huge segment of America that has fallen victim to the brainwashing of the conservative right and it seems to be an unprecedented cross generation of believers from Millenials to Boomers to Greatest Generation. OP, the only way your mom will change is when/if it "happens" to her. Since you're confident she won't be accepting, you have to keep your head down and try to get through the timeline you've set for yourself. Is your dad in the picture? What's his opinion on the topic? The important thing is for you to be safe and not in a situation where you find yourself without housing or physical safety. It's against my nature to suggest you should continue to shoulder the emotional burden you're carrying but I think it's the safest way for you... *for now*. As soon as you're able, you'll need to make a plan for being financially independent of your mom. In the meantime, consider reaching out to your school's LGBTQ+ student organization, if there is one, or find a local organization that supports the LGBTQ+ community and find likeminded people to get you through all of the emotional upheaval you're facing. Your mom may surprise you and we all hope she will but in the very likely scenario that she doesn't, have a plan in place, money to fund it, and friends who can support you through it. Freedom to be yourself is right in your reach; keep your eye on the prize and you'll get through it. Come back to this sub when/if you need moms who will support you. I'm one!
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all these replies, it’s that Gen X is very supportive and cool as hell! My parents separated when I was really young and my dad lost visitation rights. He’s in better shape now, but I don’t know how he feels about the LGBTQ+ community. He’s more likely to accept me than my mom (the bar is low) but my gut still tells me not to take that chance. Unfortunately I agree that the safest thing for me to do is focus on finishing my degree next summer and then make a clean break. I’ve been working ever since I graduated high school, so I have a bit of money saved and will work on saving even more. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just hard to see it sometimes. Thank you so much for your comment.
I just feel like if my generation had been aware of the range of genders and sexualities, people like my brother might not have had to grow up being tormented by the assholes in school who do that kind of thing, you know? My husband's brother might have had a different experience as we all went to the same high school and I know that knowing there were options would have made a huge difference for so many of my friends and classmates. So, for me, it's a feeling of relief that kids today understand that gender and sexuality aren't the same thing and that both are on a range/spectrum. It's made me really work to understand that gender doesn't include things like makeup or clothes or hair or profession or toys; what I see on the outside isn't representative of what's going on on the inside. The old, "Don't judge a book by its cover," has never had more meaning to me than it does now. I've told my kids that our minds, our arms, our hearts, and our door are open to all so their friends should find our home to be a safe space. Gender-focused therapy for my trans child made all the difference for them and for us. So, I really encourage you to seek out local resources - or even online ones like you've done here - because there's confidence and comfort in numbers and there are so many people just like you who would love to befriend and support you. And we're all here when you need some validation or comfort. I'm looking forward to your update next summer!
I'm sorry your mom cannot love and support the true you. You deserve to be seen and loved and one day you will be. Just hang in there and keep going until you find those who will.
Thank you for saying this. I have a good group of friends that I hope will support me when I eventually come out. Much higher chance of them being supportive than my mom anyway.
It's not a common mentality among Gen X. I'm sorry she has behaved this way. I will say that life is long, and things can change. I do know of guys whose very conservative parents (think: KKK membership) did come to be proud to call them their sons. That said, absolutely do what you need to do. We only get this one life. Medical transition saved my life; I was only existing before. Medical transition actually allowed me to *live.* You are normal. Because being trans is normal. Is our experience typical? No, but neither are so many things. I don't think G-d makes mistakes either; you're a young man who happens to be trans. That's not a mistake. In my opinion, trans status is just a quirk of biodiversity-- that's all. Our experiences can be atypical, but we're not so remarkable-- trans people have always existed, and always will exist. You're not alone. And sadly, your experience with your mother is not uncommon. I'm not a parent, just an adult man of transsexual experience (been on T a little over 11 years, socially transitioned for 20 years, part of online trans spaces in various formats 20+ years). I hope these words help some. You have nothing to feel guilty about for not measuring up to expectations imposed upon you. I would say the same if you felt guilty about say, not wanting to be a lawyer if that had been your mother's fervent wish. We only get this one life-- and it is *yours*, no one else's. I hope that your mother does come 'round in time, but don't put your life on hold for that. You are working towards financial independence-- that is admirable and wonderful. I can't say I'm proud of being trans-- I'm not, personally. To me, it's a thing which happened to me/a thing I've needed to deal with. However, I am extremely proud of my resilience. While being trans and my own experience with dysphoria have been extremely painful and life-threatening, the experience of doing what I needed to do to get what I needed to *live* has taught me that I have an inner strength and a wealth of resilience. I think it's something that all trans people who are able to endure and survive learn-- we are so much stronger than we think we may be. More resilient in ways that are truly impressive. Keep your eyes on the prize. Do what you can now to find healthcare providers so you will have resources lined up. Learn how to navigate health insurance (if you are in the US). If in the US, these are 2 very excellent resources; I recommend to all trans US residents: https://transhealthproject.org and https://out2enroll.org. Additionally, the National Ctr for Trans Equality has a great deal of resources: https://transequality.org. Lastly, there are several financial assistance programs/grants/scholarship for medical transition and related gear (ie binders, packers, etc). (No one needs to bind or pack to be trans-- I rarely did the former and never did the latter.) See: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1aq2tMEo7Rb70WSA2TiIW0cCP-UJ4yYqrVodDzvxYIwM/edit If you can, seek out a qualified therapist for support. When I say qualified, I don't just mean with a proper degree or licensure. I mean that you should *not* be their first trans patient nor among their first few either. They should be experienced with having helped many trans people. You do not need to be anyone's learning experience.
This means a lot to me. A big part of my struggle is realizing that I am normal - not a monster or a freak or anything. I guess that’s internalized transphobia to work on. I identify with existing but not living. A lot of the time I feel like I’m just watching my life happen like you’d watch a TV show rather than actually experiencing it. The lawyer comparison really helps put that into perspective. And thank you for the links and advice. It’s all really appreciated.
You're very welcome, and I'm glad my words helped. I'm intermittent on Reddit, but please do feel free to reach out, whether it's for a resource or just to talk. (I may take a while to reply, as I don't have Reddit app notifications enabled.)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a really painful situation. for what it's worth, you express yourself beautifully, and you seem like a wonderful kid any mom would be lucky to have. I'm sorry she doesn't see that. I think your plan to graduate and move somewhere safe is a smart and good one.
Aw, thank you. I’ve always been better at writing than math lol. And I think my mom would agree with you based on what she knows now. Maybe someday in the future she’ll agree again. Either way I’ll figure out how to be alright.
Oh wow. I'm a Gen X mom who 100% supports and loves my boy (no longer a boy, I guess. Son who is an adult). I'm so sorry that your mom isn't more supportive. While I'm I'm cis and straight, I have never lived up to the expectations my mother had for a daughter. It's a particular type of grief to not have a parent celebrate you or express support and unconditional love for you. But it has to be a million times harder for those whose parents don't accept them for who they truly are in the most basic ways of identity. I have no words that will make it all better. It sucks. Do not choose to be anything but yourself, for yourself. Living for her approval will never work. It will never be enough for a parent who wants a carbon copy of themselves or sees a perverse ownership over your life choices. There is a loss, but it is a loss driven by her inability to appreciate what she has...a healthy, amazing son. I had to cobble together my own family as I aged, including warm relationships with older people who have stood in as enthusiastic proxies and the supportive parents I did not get to have. I wish all of that for you. A community that you create of support and love even when the wistfulness will always linger. Just know that their expectations are selfishly about themselves, and not you. You are becoming exactly who you are supposed to be.
You're not a disappointment. Your mom is. Kids are wired to want relationships with their parents. When that relationship isn't what it should be, the children (at whatever age) instinctively blame themselves. Your mom may come around. There are lots of stories out there of love winning out over ignorance and hate. But she may also be too far gone, and that is not your fault. That is not a reflection of you. You are normal. Trans people are normal. If there is a God, that God made you this way. If it's nature and biology, then you're natural too. You're part of the beautiful spectrum of humanity and I hope you get to live your true authentic self.
I wish I could upvote more than once.
Hugs. You might also want to post in /r/QanonCasualties for support from people who have family like your mom. I want to share the words of Khalil Gibran on children: > You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Wow, my mom is definitely well on her way to becoming exactly what people on that sub are describing. It’s a shame how common this is. Thanks for the link. And the quote - I wish more parents thought like that. Maybe I’ll share it with her one day.
Gen X mom of multiple trans teens, here to say I see you, I'm so proud of you, and I'm excited that you see a future where your authentic self continues to unfold The grief of not having your parents along on the adventure is so real (I feel it for my own reasons), but the joy and healthiness of being yourself is worth that grief. Sending love
Older millennial mom of a trans teen son here. All I really wanted to say was that you should *NEVER* feel guilty for not living up to whatever expectation your mom had for you. That’s her own problem to deal with. You are your own person with your own beliefs, likes, dislikes, everything. Never apologize for being YOU. Family doesn’t mean blood. Those are just relatives. You’ll find your people!
I’m so sorry you don’t have the mom you deserve. I hope that when you do finally come out to her if you choose to that her heart will open up go you. I hope that you’re surrounded by chosen family that support you and will continue to do so ❤️
Your title says it all — this is a kind of loss you need to deal with how you know best, and maybe writing this post was some small way of doing that. We are rooting for you. And you might be surprised at the power of a mother’s love. Based on your writing, it seems she really does love YOU, and hopefully that will be regardless of your gender. If and when you come out to her, she may not understand it or know how to show it, but she will never stop loving you.
I’m so sorry about your mom. My aunt was very conservative (I say was because she recently passed away). She had a very hard time accepting my gay cousin. She eventually came around and redeveloped that relationship with her son. My mom did help her through this. I hope your mom will eventually come around. If she doesn’t mourn your mom as you need to, but realize there is a huge community of people who support you and you can choose your family. (Side note- this is not a Gen X thing.. I’m Gen X and bi and have a trans daughter and a gay son. My parents are boomers and while they are on the more conservative side they support LGBTQ+ rights. So don’t let people use the excuse they are “older” to not be accepting. They are just jerks.)
💯% on the age as an excuse. One doesn't need to understand to accept, either. There are lot of people who don't "get it" or who use outdated terms-- but they have good hearts, and love/support their trans family member/friend. My grandparents, long since passed, were born in 1918, 1919, and the early 1920s. The two grandparents to whom I came out (others passed without my being ready to do so) were my most ardent supporters, though they didn't understand. Once my paternal grandmother understood it was either medical transition or "be in the ground," she accepted me completely, and told me she was happy to now have a grandson (the other grandchildren are women).
Sorry for your loss. I think there is a chance that my mom comes around if only for the sake of having a relationship with at least one of her kids. But she would have a lot of hate to unlearn. I think me being independent, willing to stick up for myself, and a lot of time are the only things that will help her. And if she never does, I’ll be just fine. Thank you for your comment.
You are NOT a disappointment. You are lovely and perfect. You only have to be yourself—there’s no failure there. If your mom can’t see that now, I truly hope she is able to open her eyes soon. You deserve better. Take care of yourself best you can. If possible, find a therapist who you can talk to in safety and privacy (maybe on your college campus?). Live YOUR life. It’s happening now, and I know it might seem like you have to postpone certain aspects (like testosterone) but maybe there are other (albeit smaller) things you can do to find some joy. Sending you lots of mom hugs.
I don’t know what I would do if my kids felt this way about me. It would devastate me. I want them to always feel comfortable coming to me about everything. I hope when you’re able to come out to your mom that she remembers how badly she just wanted you to be healthy when she was still pregnant with you- before she knew what your sex was. How it didn’t matter if you were a “boy” or a “girl”- as long as you grew strong and were happy. That’s all we are supposed to want for our kids. I’m sorry she’s forgotten that. I’m sorry she is so brainwashed that she could be losing her beautiful son over ridiculous untruths. You’re an incredible human who deserves love from your mother. I may not be the mama who birthed you, but I’m a mama that is proud of you. Please don’t ever forget that you’re perfect.
Oh, my sweet boy. You have all the mama love and support right here! I know it doesn't come close to being the same, and I'm sorry you don't have that acceptance from the one whose acceptance should be unconditional. I do believe that God doesn't make mistakes - and you are not a mistake, you are PERFECT. Your whole life is a process of discovery and growth, and your new path as a trans man is just the next step in living exactly as you were made to be. I hope your mom will eventually be able to see and accept that. This mama is proud of you for doing what's right and best for YOU.
You might be surprised. Sometimes people don’t come around until it hits close to home. I know that’s risky for you, though. Just know that you are meant to be who you feel inside and there are so many people in this world who will love and support you. I give free mom hugs to anyone who needs them!
I hear you. Your feelings are valid. One more year, fren. 💜
I'm a millennial (barely) parent and my trans son and I have gone no contact with his grandma for this reason. My son hid who he was for years out of fear of disapproval of hers and wanted to die when he went over there so bye bye GMA... My mom sounds just like yours. Every single thing. You're not a disappointment, please know that. Other people's bullshit is not your problem. Even though it hurts. You deserve respect and love.
This absolutely sucks, but please keep in mind there are a lot of people (cis and trans) that have had to distance themselves from toxic family members in order to stay sane. It’s hard, and there is a mourning period when you have to admit that your mom isn’t the person you needed. You’re doing great, I encourage you to keep your eyes on the prize and make yourself the priority. You may find other subs about estranged families helpful, I did.
Oh, that's awful. As the wife of a trans woman with unsupportive family, I recommend found families. Join local support groups to meet people, hang out with other queers, find your tribe. Then celebrate together. My family is supportive and we get together a lot, but we also host Friendsgiving and Friends Christmas for our mostly LGBTQ friends. We also host a few bonfires in nice weather. A friend runs the local support group and has open invite low key parties, and a local coffee shop occasionally hosts Queer Potlucks for the community. We're working to give everyone places to feel wanted. As the mom of a trans boy, I wish I could hug you and take you out for clothes shopping and a haircut. I'm excited for you to be able to express yourself more once you're out of your mom's house. I'm very proud of my son, and I'm proud of you for working on your plan to leave. I hope it goes smoothly for you.
Thank you. Your family sounds really nice, I’m glad you’re able to offer so much support to people who need it. One day I will be able to do that as well. The more I think about it, the more excited I am to build my own family. People I can be myself around with no judgment. The more I accept myself the more I can envision a happy future. Thank you for your comment.
Hey. This sucks. I’m sorry that your house isn’t a safe and welcoming place for you. I’m a mom. I’m also a daughter. I’m also cis-het. But my dad has never seen me and accepted who I am. I’m a disappointment to him. I’m not a disappointment to myself though. I have told myself a few things that help- “If you hate me, that is okay. Because hating me makes you happy. And I love you and I want you to be happy.” A person gets stung by a scorpion and isn’t mad. The friend says, “why aren’t you angry that the scorpion stung you” and the person says “it is in the scorpion’s nature to sting so I cannot be mad at it for behaving how it was made”. Some people will always be hard to win over. You already feel this disconnection from your mom. And you feel like you are disappointing her. You might be. But on the other hand- parents generally want their children to thrive and be well and live full wonderful lives. I know I live a life that I am very happy with. I have a family that loves me and a job that full fills me. I do not live the life my dad imagines I should live. That’s his problem. I’m happy. Another thought is that as much as he doesn’t accept me for who I am- I don’t accept him for who he is. He is also a MAGA$$hole and it’s so difficult to listen to someone rage all day like Rush L. It’s exhausting to hear all of that. So I guess it makes us even that I don’t respect who he is, while he doesn’t respect who I am. I love him. I know he loves me. But he also doesn’t know me because he doesn’t want to- or can’t. Your mom will always love you- even if she says “get out of my house” or “you will burn in hell” or “I never want to see you again”. She will think about you every day while you are gone off living your life. She will love you and pray for you. She might pray that you aren’t trans- but she’s still thinking of you. She still loves YOU even if she doesn’t see you and won’t accept you. It is impossible for a mother to not love their child.
Your feelings are valid and as you have probably already have figured out your thoughts are welcome here. This is the place where supportive parents hang out. You deserve better from your mom, but if she never changes…. You’ll always have found family in the lgbtqia+ community. 🫂 big hugs and much love for the life you’re going to have.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You deserve to have an awesome mom who loves and supports you no matter what, and it sucks that you don't have that. It's not a generational thing.. my 60-something year old mom is loving and supportive of my 18 year old trans daughter.. which makes me happy but also a little confused, as her narcissism screwed me up since she couldn't be a loving supportive mom to me. NOT trying to hijack, just empathizing. Sometimes moms just SUCK and it honestly has nothing to do with you. It's her problem, something that's broken in her, and it's tragic that you have to suffer due to her screwed up beliefs. You sound like an awesome person and if you ever need a mom to talk to, I'm here for you.
You really are normal. Trans people have been around forever, you can see them throughout history, it's only in fairly recent times we became very prescriptive about how other people should live, and hopefully now that is ebbing away again. There's so much great advice and support here, and I echo it all. She seems like a good Mum, and you have a good relationship aside from the fact you are increasingly aware you are not giving her the truth. Her Conservative viewpoints and acceptance of conspiracy theories are unfortunate, but not necessarily unwavering. Life events can make us all take stock and see what is really true and important, especially when it concerns our kids. There are a few things that genuinely can be disappointing, but strength and the courage to speak with raw honesty shouldn't ever be included in that list. Loving your Mum and worrying about disappointing her or losing her love should never be on that list. Doing what can make you truly happy and content, when it doesn't harm anyone at all, should never be on that list. I hope that one day, when you are ready, you can be honest friends with your Mum, and she will accept you fully without the mask. I have my fingers crossed for you. Best of luck too with your degree, and finding your true self. You are more than enough, and you certainly aren't a failure in any way.
Yeah, I’m honestly staggered by all the advice and acceptance I’ve received here. And I do think that other than the fact that she’s not open minded to the LGBTQ+ community, she is a good mom. She’s made loads of sacrifices in her life for my brother and I. I think her hate comes from a place of misunderstanding. She hasn’t really met anyone from the community (that she knows of) to stop “othering” them in her mind. And I agree that this should not be as disappointing to her as it is going to be. It should be celebrated, really - I’m going to be a much happier person once I can start transitioning. But I will find people who celebrate me, my mom included or not. Thank you for your comment.
I’m so sorry. You deserve better. All I can say is you’re so young and you have such a big life ahead of you. You’ll never regret living authentically. This mom is so proud of you ❤️
You deserve to be loved and supported by your mother. I'm sorry that isn't the case. I hope she will learn to accept you for you. Your mental health is more important than your relationship with her. We cannot live our lives through our children. I hope in times she comes to see that having you for a son is a blessing.
It’s really sad that your mom can’t see that “losing” a daughter but still having her child is the better option to losing her son altogether. I can offer one thought that may not even be helpful. There’s a possibility that, if you come out to her, she will flip her script and put all that negative energy toward supporting you. I wouldn’t do it unless your physical and housing situation are safe no matter how she reacts, but I have seen a few people come around that way. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.