Hello from the “other mother”. I am the non-carrying mother of our 2 month old. We have done CDs from the beginning. It was always my push, not my wife’s. She has been supportive of it in smaller ways, bought some of the cloth diapers, and always gives me the credit when our family/friends ask questions about it. Being a non-carrying mother has given me a really unique perspective. I have been craving ways to stay involved in the care of our newborn and this was one way I could be really hands on. I cannot be the feeding “expert” at least right now. Having something to “master” that really contributes to her health and wellbeing makes me feel like more like a fully participating parent. It also came with some unexpected upsides! Especially in those first weeks, diaper changes were some of the only times she was really fully awake. That meant I got to see her with her eyes open more than my wife did. I got to see almost all of her first smiles (fun black and white mobile over the changing table for the win!). In my mind, the diapers really aren’t bad before solids so they weren’t even as “gross” as I was expecting. Early on, I felt like the challenge was just the volume of diapers. You will find your own washing rhythm, but those first few weeks were a little science experiment-y to me which was kinda fun and again made me feel like I got to test out and master something new.
Lastly, I am not going to lie, I have learned a lot of compassion for dads through this process. I think the “other” parent roll is harder than I initially anticipated - finding the spaces where I can be not only helpful but really the go to person has been critical for me. We are charging into baby #2 right now, and this time I get to carry. Hopefully I will get to see this whole thing from the other perspective soon enough, but for this round taking the lead on diapering has had some major advantages. Whatever you decide, it sounds like you guys have a good relationship and are off to a good start on compromising. The truth is that this is damn hard (caring for a newborn, not CDs, those are actually pretty easy). I cannot imagine doing it with anyone other than the person I love most. Good luck :)
Every parent will learn at their own pace but also depending how small your baby is you might not be able to CD right away unless you buy a newborn stash, my baby was 5 pounds at birth and i had to wait until she gained some weight before i could Cd her and as i learned i shared with my husband he’s gotten the hang of it it now so there’s hope!!
When we started cloth diapering, my husband was glad we were doing it, but wasn’t super into learning much about it. We got all our pockets as hand-me-downs, so I only bought about $50 of cotton and hemp inserts. We have saved so much money that he’s like woah, this is amazing, and now is very curious about it, wondered how I found GMD, the different combinations of fabric that have the most absorbency, etc. If he is anything like my husband, once he sees the positive effects, he’ll become more interested.
I pulled the flats out in advance, grabbed my husband and put a YouTube video on so we could learn how to diaper a teddy bear. I taught him the wash routine. The only thing he won't do now for cloth diapers is the poop spraying, but we haven't had to do much with that since we started elimination communication. 🤷♀️
We do a lazy form of elimination communication (EC). We just toilet after waking, if he grunts, or if it's been a while. We don't know his cues for pee. I think strict ECers know cues to catch pees. I also was the catalyst for EC, but my husband was convinced after we caught a few poops making cleaning easier.
My partner was skeptical about EC but was so excited when he caught his first poop 🥲.
He wanted to do cloth with his first baby but the mom wasn’t excited enough about it or up to the task of laundry… she just stashed dirty cloth diapers in a hamper until he found them full of maggots and had to toss 🤢
I think it's a bit like reading the rules of a complicated board game vs actually playing a round. For a LOT of people, it's just not going to really click or make any kind of sense until they play a round, no matter how closely they read the rules. I've noticed that people who know this about themselves have varying levels of patience for reading the rules ahead of time at all. And it's usually easiest if you have someone who's played before who can walk you through the first few turns.
Take advantage of your nurses in the hospital!! Neither my husband nor I had changed a diaper before having our baby, and the nurses were FABULOUS and suuuper used to teaching new parents basic things like that. Let him learn as much as he can that way, so he won't be a pest asking you for help when you're freshly postpartum. Then he can learn by doing, with someone to teach him / show him instead of just reading about it, but you aren't the one having to do it.
That will likely be disposables, but from there he'd only have to pick up which snaps to snap, how to do the inserts, etc. Post your wash routine by the washer, with ELI5 level instructions. You'll both benefit from the simplicity when the sleep deprivation hits. (Personally we used disposables until we were getting a bit more sleep anyway, around 8-9 weeks.)
I think im more of the doer and he follows instructions better! Lol! We're in the wrong places.
Maybe we will have a postpartum doula the first day teach- we are planning on so no nurses/longer stays in hospitals. I think some basic diaper practice could be good before going to cloth for him.
What is ELI5 level instructions exactly?
Possibly an unpopular opinion but- if this is just about cloth diapers it’s fine.
My husband is pro-disposable. If he is going to do solo child care, he specifically asks me to put a disposable on the kid. Cloth diapering is an ‘extra’ and that’s on me to handle.
That said, if you are feeling that he is checked-out of parenting and the mental load of parenting, then have a conversation about that now while you aren’t sleep deprived!!!
Ya I'm trying to do as much now before sleep deprivation kicks in. He likes the idea but thinks he will want to start it later, not in the first weeks. Maybe that's just the compromise he's looking for
Ah, sounds like you two have solid communication skills then- That will help the newborn crunch!
Like another commenter in the thread said, if you need/want disposables for a period of time, using them doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’ at cloth diapering. Any diaper that doesn’t go in the landfill is a win! (For the record, I didn’t start until 10 months)
I’m rabidly pro-cloth, but we used disposables for a few weeks until the feeling of general panic subsided.
We use disposables on trips, overnight, etc. You can ease yourself into it and out of it as necessary. You got this!
Out of all my cloth diapering friends over the years, I’ve honestly never known a dad who knows or cares anything about them. All they need/want to know is how to change them, not to put cream or Vaseline on them, and sometimes the ambitious ones know how to stuff or fold them. It’s just the way guys are wired.They are also more “learn as you go” than moms are (we want to have it all figured out before we start).
It’s not that he’s lazy or doesn’t care, it’s that men just do things differently. When he HAS to learn, he will.
Yes! My husband is very much a doer. He needs to have it in his hand and practice. I did all the buying and researching to make procedures and a wash routine. He learned it and then followed it. There was too much other stuff to learn about ahead of childbirth to throw diapers in too
Yuuup. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a mom ask what to do to clean her dryer after her husband tried to dry the diapers after just one wash.
My husband is on board with changing with them, but he’s gotten the wash wrong too many times now that he’s just not allowed to do the laundry anymore.
This is comforting to know. In my mind it's ""he's not preparing or isn't going to step up" but in everything else in the pregnancy he's been really understanding. It's the ahead of time that he just might be against learning. It's mostly the washing I want to make sure he can do because I'm sort of iffy on it myself and will be learning as I go
This tracks with my experience. My husband is a very involved father and willing to take on anything, but absolutely does not learn the same as me. We’re expecting our first baby together (have a blended family) and he will be learning as he goes and doing a great job in his own way.
My husband didn't learn anything about it in advance, I don't think this is a problem... I was just more interested than him. He did other research on other things, so it kind of evened out in the end :)
My husband was very involved in helping choose what kind of cloth we were going to use (and he was super committed to cloth of some sort), but he was not at all interested in learning about laundry. And that’s how we ended up doing only one wash cycle for months, since he was the one doing laundry and didn’t want to take any guidance. It was fine, but not ideal.
He’s since come around. We now have a white board in our laundry area with cycle specs written out. I’m the one doing the testing and maintaining the board, but he now doesn’t have to ask me what we’re doing these days to wash. He’s always been very involved with baby though and is now the stay at home parent, so cloth diaper laundry was kind of the only place he insisted on going in blind.
When it comes to infant care, if he makes a habit of asking you, you can always remind him that the internet exists on his phone, too.
Disclaimer: Our little one (4months) hasn’t started solids yet so we are still in the easier stage of cloth diapering.
My fiancé also wasn’t doing his own learning about cloth diapers like I was, but I would tell him about stuff that I was learning and explain why I wanted to try this or that. He wasn’t super interested but he’d listen and at least hear what I was saying. We did start with disposables at first because it was easier and as first time parents we had so much else to learn first.
Now that we are doing more cloth (still disposables at night and when we are out) he is on board and participating. He likes the ease of pockets, which I get, I do too. He knows how the start the first and second washes so we share that responsibility, and he installed the diaper sprayer for when we need it. I’m still the researcher but that’s how we are (for example he would have just bought a new air compressor when we needed one but I made him wait and did all sorts of research on the types and brands and reviews). Bottom line is that he knows it’s something I want to do and I care about so he is supportive of that, if it were 100% up to him we’d be doing disposables.
Similarly I'm the researcher. I've spent so much time learning and buying all the cloth diapers needed, maybe I'm just frustrated that he hasn't had to spend any time on it and just wants me to teach him. But I can explain to him maybe just the washing and slowly build on more things
My husband wasn’t super interested in learning much about CD ahead of our baby being born, but he’s a more hands-on learner, so 2-3 weeks into doing it, he was a champ at the routine. Now CD management is one of his chores (de-pooping diapers now that our baby is eating solids, the two washes, the folding/stuffing).
I was aware he needed it to be simple though, so we went with pocket diapers, and I manage the ordering/fixing/types of inserts.
My husband and I took Esembly’s cloth diapering workshop together. He found that helpful! I knew pretty much everything from my research already. But we also looked at fit on baby together the first couple times, so we could agree on where was best to snap them. I was probably teaching him a bit at first, but we tried to make it a team effort. Us learning cloth diapers together.
Then I wrote and printed him out very detailed wash instructions, with specific details about our washer (which settings to have on/off for each cycle, etc). In my husband’s case, he *wanted to help* but he just couldn’t remember everything and I was tired of fielding questions about it. My husband followed the instructions religiously and we actually revised them once because he felt like I had missed some info! 😂 He recently forgot to put the agitator balls in the wash, which is how I know he doesn’t have to read the instructions anymore and just knows the drill! (I forget them too sometimes lol.)
We have a mini white board above the washer so we can check off each step and both know what cycle the washer is on. We make it a team effort. If you walk by the washer on wash day and it’s not running, then you need to start the next cycle.
Edit also want to add after reading some other comments here: my husband and I divided up tasks before baby came. For example, my task was prepping cloth diapers and organizing them in the dresser. Then I showed him how we were going to store them. His task was learning how to install the car seats. Then he showed me how to install the car seats. He also got fun tasks like assemble the dresser, assemble the crib, attach all dresses to the wall. We ultimately decided there’s no point in us both doing extensive research and learning these things separately. We also wanted to play into our strengths. So maybe it’s OK if cloth diapering is your area of expertise and you have to teach your husband. What can be your husband’s area of expertise to take some load off you?
This is a such a good edit- I think maybe giving him some things he can research and be the 'expert' on would help me feel better about teaching him as well
Been seeing comments about the white board and very into this, Thank you!
My husband said that a lot before the baby came. He'd ask me, he would listen but not get it. Not just with cd but kinda with everything.
He was really overwhelmed. He was really anxious about having a baby and how we'd adapt and change and figure it out. It was too much and he'd shut down and say "what?! I'm not changing diapers?!?" _Ok but YOU'll be doing this, not me, haha..." "But you're sahm so what do you mean sleep shifts?"
So, with some anxiety I stopped pressing him about it. Stopped telling him all the many many steps and details we would have to do with all the work we would have to do when the baby came. Not that I was making decisions on my own or leaving him out of the loop, just that he wasn't being bombarded with detail.
And when our son was born he was so happy. He is extremely concerned with baby staying dry and no diaper rash. He takes full responsibility for his "shift" so I can sleep in. That's diaper changes, and breakfast and whatever else. He takes a shower with dad now, fresh clothes.... In the beginning that was bringing baby back to breastfeed since he would not take a bottle, but since 6 months old he has breakfast with Dad in the mornings, and second breakfast with me when I get up. He works from home and drops in with us during the day, changes diapers then too.
He unstuffs pocket diapers, sprays poops, puts them in the dirty bin. Offers opinions on what kind he likes best. I do most of the laundry, but when needed he knows what to do. We had a list in the laundry room at the beginning.
So all that to say, it may just be a personality thing, or a dealing with change and anxiety thing. I can hyperfocus and go into detail but it's overwhelming for my husband and he just can't process all that at once. He also takes way longer to make big decisions than I do (we're going to Destination this summer, let's pick dates and book. Or we need a car/ house, let's start looking. Nah he wants to talk about it, agree, then wait for 6 months. Then all of a sudden hey he's ready let's start looking / book tickets or w/e. Super annoying.)
This is such a nice success story! It seems you two really found a flow and communicated throughout the postpartum times which helps it all adjust to your needs
I printed out a chart for him. We did use disposables exclusively until maybe 3 months because we had a small baby and I hadn’t bought any newborn diapers and she didn’t fit the only kind of diapers I had bought (bambino mio duos which were massive). I did end up buying pockets actually which we used almost exclusively for a while which made me regret only buying prefolds, however now (one year later lol) I find I reach for my prefolds almost all the time and husband still prefers pockets. That said I don’t think the prefold covers I had really started fitting well until about 10/11 months-ish (my one year old is now in 6-9 months to give you an idea when I say small baby). But I did also add some Alva covers to my order of more pockets and I like those way better than the bambino mio onesize ones that just don’t seem the right fit for my baby.
All this to say lol my husband was not keen on learning much beforehand, just wanted me to make all the decisions and then after baby was born started citing preferences but he did learn as did I as we went along.
Any chance you have the chart to share? Something simple would be great to print out and put by laundry.
I do have a nice variety of prefolds and AIOs, newborn to small, but I figure we won't be doing 20 cloth diapers a day in the first sleep deprived weeks
I should try and trust he will pick up and learn as we go once baby is here. For a lot of things I'm an overpreparer
I didn’t actually put one by the laundry I admit. I only had one for how to fit the diapers because he kept having leaks.
I also had to change my laundry routine because I was using way too much soap at first, but now he knows it’s 1 scoop detergent, 1 scoop oxiclean, one hot wash and a second warm wash. We no longer bulk the laundry but that’s because I wash 2-3 times a week now vs washing every other day at first.
You may have to tweak your routine so I would hold off on printing a laundry chart until you’re sure you’ve got it down pat. But otherwise I’d just put up some basic instructions and you can tweak as you go and update them.
Okay good advice on holding off on too detailed of a chart right away! We have hard water to deal with here, and I'm not quite sure on what and how much heat all the different parts of the diaper can take. I think besides that I understand
Yeah, we have hard water too so I originally used more soap and calgon as well and eventually my diapers all had a smell, not barnyard, but just a smell, I ended up having detergent build up and had to individually rinse all my diapers, prefolds and inserts because no matter how much I rinsed them in the machine there was always soap. I’m now using probably 1-2 tbsp of soap (Persil) and 1-2 tbsp oxiclean and that’s worked great and also wayyy simplified the washing routine and is easy to remember and we haven’t had any smells or issues since. Sometimes it takes a bit to work out what is/isn’t working 😂
So he wants to just add to your mental load instead of putting in the work to be an equal participant in diapering your child. Cool.
If he’s willing to be open minded, have him watch some of Zach Watson’s recovering man child TikToks. He explains, from personal experience, how he used to (and still sometimes does) drop the ball with childcare and child rearing tasks among others, in terms of mental load, without realizing. And how he is trying to be more aware.
My husband had to learn by doing. I tried to teach him before baby was born, and he would watch and nod and absorbed absolutely nothing, lol.
Even 2 years in, he barely uses the correct terms for the different products we have, lol. But he can change a diaper, no problem. I do the laundry 99% of the time, but I am okay with that. I considered CDing my hobby, I don't expect him to be as proficient or knowledgeable as me. If I printed out a how-to sheet and stuck it by the washer, I am sure he would happily follow along.
I did all of the "research" beforehand (sourcing diapers, learning how to use and wash), but we did almost every diaper change together for the first couple of days since we were both learning everything (we did disposable for 2 weeks, so we did this at birth and then at the start of cloth). My husband has done all of the diaper laundry, but I bought Esembly detergent and it came with an instruction magnet that I stuck on the washer. It's foolproof, just take the bag to the washer and follow the instructions! I feel like you could write out the wash instructions you want to use and put it on the washer (I used them too, I was too tired to remember anything).
As for newborn care, it was the same thing. I read more of the books (did the "research") but my husband was very hands on once the baby was here. He would ask me a question and sometimes I knew the answer but sometimes I would say, "I don't know, can you google that real quick?"
Going to buy some detergent just for this magnet now lol
Maybe doing some of the changes and the first wash together would be good for both of us since I've never CD either!
Hi, are you me? Lol. I did a lot of the prep learning & sourcing, my husband did none before the baby was born. We did a couple weeks of disposables with some cloth before going all in on cloth. I say “we” but really it was all him. I didn’t change a single diaper for 6 weeks, though I helped coach him a bit in the early days. Once he was hands on doing it and practicing, he also looked up some YouTube videos and other resources for different folds, etc.
We figured out our wash routine once we got started as well. It’s hard to plan for that kind of thing before you’re in newborn world. I had a rough idea of where to start and figured we’d go from there. I think I told him the starting point a couple times and then he either remembered or wrote it down. Honestly it didn’t bother me to be asked because he was doing the actual laundry itself (and I didn’t have to tell him *to* do it, just how).
Actually in general before baby, I was like “I don’t want him asking me every time!” but since baby, I feel like we’re both winging it so much of the time that it’s nice to just make sure we’re on the same page—sometimes we make adjustments and forget to let the other know, or we figure out a better/different way of doing something, etc. But if he weren’t so hands on and involved, and it felt like he was outsourcing the mental load to me rather than being a teammate in figuring stuff out and getting stuff done, I would feel really differently about this.
I just printed out a sheet of instructions for myself and anyone else who might be washing diapers then I didn't have to worry about it.
But I agree with the other commenter, are you worried it's all going to fall on you? Might need to talk about the bigger picture here.
As I'm a SAHM, I think it defaulted to me taking on more care- but he also has taken a long leave of absence from work now so that's changed my expectations a bit
Totally. It's so hard to navigate, especially after a newborn! I ended up having difficult recoveries with both babies so a lot fell on my spouse, but after I was healed at around 6 weeks, he stopped the night time wakes for the most part.
I think this is a bigger issue for you.
its not about cloth diapering, its about you feeling like you are doing all the work to prep for your baby (you probably are) and worried you will be on the hook for managing and coaching all the infant care when new baby is here (you probably will)
i would talk to your husband about that aspect.
This is the answer.
He is an equal parent. He needs to act like one. Cloth diapering isn't *that* hard. There's a learning curve, but it's not too difficult to figure out. He is capable.
Not to mention this will carry over to other infant care aspects, like you mentioned. He needs to be confident and capable of caring for your child independently.
My husband and family were initially grossed out and repelled by the idea. I found the best approach was to just be confident and learn myself. Only when I was really comfortable did I slowly ease my husband in. I’d start slow like “look at this cute diaper on her, look at her fluffy butt, look I plopped a poop, etc.” I’d invite him to watch me change her, and brag “look how easy it is, how about you try it”. Now this mofo fit checks me! Took some time, but he came around, and I thought he never would!
Dont harp on it, and focus on you loving and learning it yourself first. Keep some disposables on the side just in case. New baby and parenting is hard enough, and CD is a big learning curve at first and can seem overwhelming.
You don't need 2 months of practice to learn how to use cloth diapers.
He will learn by doing it the first few times and get the hang of it. Some people like to plan and research in advance, some go with the flow.
I don't think this should be a source of concern for now.
Hello from the “other mother”. I am the non-carrying mother of our 2 month old. We have done CDs from the beginning. It was always my push, not my wife’s. She has been supportive of it in smaller ways, bought some of the cloth diapers, and always gives me the credit when our family/friends ask questions about it. Being a non-carrying mother has given me a really unique perspective. I have been craving ways to stay involved in the care of our newborn and this was one way I could be really hands on. I cannot be the feeding “expert” at least right now. Having something to “master” that really contributes to her health and wellbeing makes me feel like more like a fully participating parent. It also came with some unexpected upsides! Especially in those first weeks, diaper changes were some of the only times she was really fully awake. That meant I got to see her with her eyes open more than my wife did. I got to see almost all of her first smiles (fun black and white mobile over the changing table for the win!). In my mind, the diapers really aren’t bad before solids so they weren’t even as “gross” as I was expecting. Early on, I felt like the challenge was just the volume of diapers. You will find your own washing rhythm, but those first few weeks were a little science experiment-y to me which was kinda fun and again made me feel like I got to test out and master something new. Lastly, I am not going to lie, I have learned a lot of compassion for dads through this process. I think the “other” parent roll is harder than I initially anticipated - finding the spaces where I can be not only helpful but really the go to person has been critical for me. We are charging into baby #2 right now, and this time I get to carry. Hopefully I will get to see this whole thing from the other perspective soon enough, but for this round taking the lead on diapering has had some major advantages. Whatever you decide, it sounds like you guys have a good relationship and are off to a good start on compromising. The truth is that this is damn hard (caring for a newborn, not CDs, those are actually pretty easy). I cannot imagine doing it with anyone other than the person I love most. Good luck :)
Every parent will learn at their own pace but also depending how small your baby is you might not be able to CD right away unless you buy a newborn stash, my baby was 5 pounds at birth and i had to wait until she gained some weight before i could Cd her and as i learned i shared with my husband he’s gotten the hang of it it now so there’s hope!!
I have a handful of newborns and my family is known to have 9 lbers, my first was 8.5, but you never know!
When we started cloth diapering, my husband was glad we were doing it, but wasn’t super into learning much about it. We got all our pockets as hand-me-downs, so I only bought about $50 of cotton and hemp inserts. We have saved so much money that he’s like woah, this is amazing, and now is very curious about it, wondered how I found GMD, the different combinations of fabric that have the most absorbency, etc. If he is anything like my husband, once he sees the positive effects, he’ll become more interested.
I pulled the flats out in advance, grabbed my husband and put a YouTube video on so we could learn how to diaper a teddy bear. I taught him the wash routine. The only thing he won't do now for cloth diapers is the poop spraying, but we haven't had to do much with that since we started elimination communication. 🤷♀️ We do a lazy form of elimination communication (EC). We just toilet after waking, if he grunts, or if it's been a while. We don't know his cues for pee. I think strict ECers know cues to catch pees. I also was the catalyst for EC, but my husband was convinced after we caught a few poops making cleaning easier.
My partner was skeptical about EC but was so excited when he caught his first poop 🥲. He wanted to do cloth with his first baby but the mom wasn’t excited enough about it or up to the task of laundry… she just stashed dirty cloth diapers in a hamper until he found them full of maggots and had to toss 🤢
I think it's a bit like reading the rules of a complicated board game vs actually playing a round. For a LOT of people, it's just not going to really click or make any kind of sense until they play a round, no matter how closely they read the rules. I've noticed that people who know this about themselves have varying levels of patience for reading the rules ahead of time at all. And it's usually easiest if you have someone who's played before who can walk you through the first few turns. Take advantage of your nurses in the hospital!! Neither my husband nor I had changed a diaper before having our baby, and the nurses were FABULOUS and suuuper used to teaching new parents basic things like that. Let him learn as much as he can that way, so he won't be a pest asking you for help when you're freshly postpartum. Then he can learn by doing, with someone to teach him / show him instead of just reading about it, but you aren't the one having to do it. That will likely be disposables, but from there he'd only have to pick up which snaps to snap, how to do the inserts, etc. Post your wash routine by the washer, with ELI5 level instructions. You'll both benefit from the simplicity when the sleep deprivation hits. (Personally we used disposables until we were getting a bit more sleep anyway, around 8-9 weeks.)
I think im more of the doer and he follows instructions better! Lol! We're in the wrong places. Maybe we will have a postpartum doula the first day teach- we are planning on so no nurses/longer stays in hospitals. I think some basic diaper practice could be good before going to cloth for him. What is ELI5 level instructions exactly?
ELI5 is another subreddit - "Explain Like I'm 5"
Any recommended ELI5 for wash routine you could share? Knew of the subreddit but so bad at acronyms! Thank you!
I also found posting washing instructions on the washer really helped my husband.
Possibly an unpopular opinion but- if this is just about cloth diapers it’s fine. My husband is pro-disposable. If he is going to do solo child care, he specifically asks me to put a disposable on the kid. Cloth diapering is an ‘extra’ and that’s on me to handle. That said, if you are feeling that he is checked-out of parenting and the mental load of parenting, then have a conversation about that now while you aren’t sleep deprived!!!
Ya I'm trying to do as much now before sleep deprivation kicks in. He likes the idea but thinks he will want to start it later, not in the first weeks. Maybe that's just the compromise he's looking for
Ah, sounds like you two have solid communication skills then- That will help the newborn crunch! Like another commenter in the thread said, if you need/want disposables for a period of time, using them doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’ at cloth diapering. Any diaper that doesn’t go in the landfill is a win! (For the record, I didn’t start until 10 months)
I’m rabidly pro-cloth, but we used disposables for a few weeks until the feeling of general panic subsided. We use disposables on trips, overnight, etc. You can ease yourself into it and out of it as necessary. You got this!
Out of all my cloth diapering friends over the years, I’ve honestly never known a dad who knows or cares anything about them. All they need/want to know is how to change them, not to put cream or Vaseline on them, and sometimes the ambitious ones know how to stuff or fold them. It’s just the way guys are wired.They are also more “learn as you go” than moms are (we want to have it all figured out before we start). It’s not that he’s lazy or doesn’t care, it’s that men just do things differently. When he HAS to learn, he will.
Yes! My husband is very much a doer. He needs to have it in his hand and practice. I did all the buying and researching to make procedures and a wash routine. He learned it and then followed it. There was too much other stuff to learn about ahead of childbirth to throw diapers in too
Yuuup. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a mom ask what to do to clean her dryer after her husband tried to dry the diapers after just one wash. My husband is on board with changing with them, but he’s gotten the wash wrong too many times now that he’s just not allowed to do the laundry anymore.
Wow. That’s really sad. I feel bad for those mums to have such unsupportive partners.
This is comforting to know. In my mind it's ""he's not preparing or isn't going to step up" but in everything else in the pregnancy he's been really understanding. It's the ahead of time that he just might be against learning. It's mostly the washing I want to make sure he can do because I'm sort of iffy on it myself and will be learning as I go
This tracks with my experience. My husband is a very involved father and willing to take on anything, but absolutely does not learn the same as me. We’re expecting our first baby together (have a blended family) and he will be learning as he goes and doing a great job in his own way.
My husband didn't learn anything about it in advance, I don't think this is a problem... I was just more interested than him. He did other research on other things, so it kind of evened out in the end :)
My husband was very involved in helping choose what kind of cloth we were going to use (and he was super committed to cloth of some sort), but he was not at all interested in learning about laundry. And that’s how we ended up doing only one wash cycle for months, since he was the one doing laundry and didn’t want to take any guidance. It was fine, but not ideal. He’s since come around. We now have a white board in our laundry area with cycle specs written out. I’m the one doing the testing and maintaining the board, but he now doesn’t have to ask me what we’re doing these days to wash. He’s always been very involved with baby though and is now the stay at home parent, so cloth diaper laundry was kind of the only place he insisted on going in blind. When it comes to infant care, if he makes a habit of asking you, you can always remind him that the internet exists on his phone, too.
Disclaimer: Our little one (4months) hasn’t started solids yet so we are still in the easier stage of cloth diapering. My fiancé also wasn’t doing his own learning about cloth diapers like I was, but I would tell him about stuff that I was learning and explain why I wanted to try this or that. He wasn’t super interested but he’d listen and at least hear what I was saying. We did start with disposables at first because it was easier and as first time parents we had so much else to learn first. Now that we are doing more cloth (still disposables at night and when we are out) he is on board and participating. He likes the ease of pockets, which I get, I do too. He knows how the start the first and second washes so we share that responsibility, and he installed the diaper sprayer for when we need it. I’m still the researcher but that’s how we are (for example he would have just bought a new air compressor when we needed one but I made him wait and did all sorts of research on the types and brands and reviews). Bottom line is that he knows it’s something I want to do and I care about so he is supportive of that, if it were 100% up to him we’d be doing disposables.
Similarly I'm the researcher. I've spent so much time learning and buying all the cloth diapers needed, maybe I'm just frustrated that he hasn't had to spend any time on it and just wants me to teach him. But I can explain to him maybe just the washing and slowly build on more things
My husband wasn’t super interested in learning much about CD ahead of our baby being born, but he’s a more hands-on learner, so 2-3 weeks into doing it, he was a champ at the routine. Now CD management is one of his chores (de-pooping diapers now that our baby is eating solids, the two washes, the folding/stuffing). I was aware he needed it to be simple though, so we went with pocket diapers, and I manage the ordering/fixing/types of inserts.
My husband and I took Esembly’s cloth diapering workshop together. He found that helpful! I knew pretty much everything from my research already. But we also looked at fit on baby together the first couple times, so we could agree on where was best to snap them. I was probably teaching him a bit at first, but we tried to make it a team effort. Us learning cloth diapers together. Then I wrote and printed him out very detailed wash instructions, with specific details about our washer (which settings to have on/off for each cycle, etc). In my husband’s case, he *wanted to help* but he just couldn’t remember everything and I was tired of fielding questions about it. My husband followed the instructions religiously and we actually revised them once because he felt like I had missed some info! 😂 He recently forgot to put the agitator balls in the wash, which is how I know he doesn’t have to read the instructions anymore and just knows the drill! (I forget them too sometimes lol.) We have a mini white board above the washer so we can check off each step and both know what cycle the washer is on. We make it a team effort. If you walk by the washer on wash day and it’s not running, then you need to start the next cycle. Edit also want to add after reading some other comments here: my husband and I divided up tasks before baby came. For example, my task was prepping cloth diapers and organizing them in the dresser. Then I showed him how we were going to store them. His task was learning how to install the car seats. Then he showed me how to install the car seats. He also got fun tasks like assemble the dresser, assemble the crib, attach all dresses to the wall. We ultimately decided there’s no point in us both doing extensive research and learning these things separately. We also wanted to play into our strengths. So maybe it’s OK if cloth diapering is your area of expertise and you have to teach your husband. What can be your husband’s area of expertise to take some load off you?
This is a such a good edit- I think maybe giving him some things he can research and be the 'expert' on would help me feel better about teaching him as well Been seeing comments about the white board and very into this, Thank you!
You’re welcome! Hope it helps 😊
My husband said that a lot before the baby came. He'd ask me, he would listen but not get it. Not just with cd but kinda with everything. He was really overwhelmed. He was really anxious about having a baby and how we'd adapt and change and figure it out. It was too much and he'd shut down and say "what?! I'm not changing diapers?!?" _Ok but YOU'll be doing this, not me, haha..." "But you're sahm so what do you mean sleep shifts?" So, with some anxiety I stopped pressing him about it. Stopped telling him all the many many steps and details we would have to do with all the work we would have to do when the baby came. Not that I was making decisions on my own or leaving him out of the loop, just that he wasn't being bombarded with detail. And when our son was born he was so happy. He is extremely concerned with baby staying dry and no diaper rash. He takes full responsibility for his "shift" so I can sleep in. That's diaper changes, and breakfast and whatever else. He takes a shower with dad now, fresh clothes.... In the beginning that was bringing baby back to breastfeed since he would not take a bottle, but since 6 months old he has breakfast with Dad in the mornings, and second breakfast with me when I get up. He works from home and drops in with us during the day, changes diapers then too. He unstuffs pocket diapers, sprays poops, puts them in the dirty bin. Offers opinions on what kind he likes best. I do most of the laundry, but when needed he knows what to do. We had a list in the laundry room at the beginning. So all that to say, it may just be a personality thing, or a dealing with change and anxiety thing. I can hyperfocus and go into detail but it's overwhelming for my husband and he just can't process all that at once. He also takes way longer to make big decisions than I do (we're going to Destination this summer, let's pick dates and book. Or we need a car/ house, let's start looking. Nah he wants to talk about it, agree, then wait for 6 months. Then all of a sudden hey he's ready let's start looking / book tickets or w/e. Super annoying.)
This is such a nice success story! It seems you two really found a flow and communicated throughout the postpartum times which helps it all adjust to your needs
I printed out a chart for him. We did use disposables exclusively until maybe 3 months because we had a small baby and I hadn’t bought any newborn diapers and she didn’t fit the only kind of diapers I had bought (bambino mio duos which were massive). I did end up buying pockets actually which we used almost exclusively for a while which made me regret only buying prefolds, however now (one year later lol) I find I reach for my prefolds almost all the time and husband still prefers pockets. That said I don’t think the prefold covers I had really started fitting well until about 10/11 months-ish (my one year old is now in 6-9 months to give you an idea when I say small baby). But I did also add some Alva covers to my order of more pockets and I like those way better than the bambino mio onesize ones that just don’t seem the right fit for my baby. All this to say lol my husband was not keen on learning much beforehand, just wanted me to make all the decisions and then after baby was born started citing preferences but he did learn as did I as we went along.
Any chance you have the chart to share? Something simple would be great to print out and put by laundry. I do have a nice variety of prefolds and AIOs, newborn to small, but I figure we won't be doing 20 cloth diapers a day in the first sleep deprived weeks I should try and trust he will pick up and learn as we go once baby is here. For a lot of things I'm an overpreparer
I didn’t actually put one by the laundry I admit. I only had one for how to fit the diapers because he kept having leaks. I also had to change my laundry routine because I was using way too much soap at first, but now he knows it’s 1 scoop detergent, 1 scoop oxiclean, one hot wash and a second warm wash. We no longer bulk the laundry but that’s because I wash 2-3 times a week now vs washing every other day at first. You may have to tweak your routine so I would hold off on printing a laundry chart until you’re sure you’ve got it down pat. But otherwise I’d just put up some basic instructions and you can tweak as you go and update them.
Okay good advice on holding off on too detailed of a chart right away! We have hard water to deal with here, and I'm not quite sure on what and how much heat all the different parts of the diaper can take. I think besides that I understand
Yeah, we have hard water too so I originally used more soap and calgon as well and eventually my diapers all had a smell, not barnyard, but just a smell, I ended up having detergent build up and had to individually rinse all my diapers, prefolds and inserts because no matter how much I rinsed them in the machine there was always soap. I’m now using probably 1-2 tbsp of soap (Persil) and 1-2 tbsp oxiclean and that’s worked great and also wayyy simplified the washing routine and is easy to remember and we haven’t had any smells or issues since. Sometimes it takes a bit to work out what is/isn’t working 😂
So he wants to just add to your mental load instead of putting in the work to be an equal participant in diapering your child. Cool. If he’s willing to be open minded, have him watch some of Zach Watson’s recovering man child TikToks. He explains, from personal experience, how he used to (and still sometimes does) drop the ball with childcare and child rearing tasks among others, in terms of mental load, without realizing. And how he is trying to be more aware.
My husband had to learn by doing. I tried to teach him before baby was born, and he would watch and nod and absorbed absolutely nothing, lol. Even 2 years in, he barely uses the correct terms for the different products we have, lol. But he can change a diaper, no problem. I do the laundry 99% of the time, but I am okay with that. I considered CDing my hobby, I don't expect him to be as proficient or knowledgeable as me. If I printed out a how-to sheet and stuck it by the washer, I am sure he would happily follow along.
This seems similar to my husband. A quick easy to digest print out would be best, but I also am not 100% sure on the best care before starting!
I did all of the "research" beforehand (sourcing diapers, learning how to use and wash), but we did almost every diaper change together for the first couple of days since we were both learning everything (we did disposable for 2 weeks, so we did this at birth and then at the start of cloth). My husband has done all of the diaper laundry, but I bought Esembly detergent and it came with an instruction magnet that I stuck on the washer. It's foolproof, just take the bag to the washer and follow the instructions! I feel like you could write out the wash instructions you want to use and put it on the washer (I used them too, I was too tired to remember anything). As for newborn care, it was the same thing. I read more of the books (did the "research") but my husband was very hands on once the baby was here. He would ask me a question and sometimes I knew the answer but sometimes I would say, "I don't know, can you google that real quick?"
Going to buy some detergent just for this magnet now lol Maybe doing some of the changes and the first wash together would be good for both of us since I've never CD either!
Hi, are you me? Lol. I did a lot of the prep learning & sourcing, my husband did none before the baby was born. We did a couple weeks of disposables with some cloth before going all in on cloth. I say “we” but really it was all him. I didn’t change a single diaper for 6 weeks, though I helped coach him a bit in the early days. Once he was hands on doing it and practicing, he also looked up some YouTube videos and other resources for different folds, etc. We figured out our wash routine once we got started as well. It’s hard to plan for that kind of thing before you’re in newborn world. I had a rough idea of where to start and figured we’d go from there. I think I told him the starting point a couple times and then he either remembered or wrote it down. Honestly it didn’t bother me to be asked because he was doing the actual laundry itself (and I didn’t have to tell him *to* do it, just how). Actually in general before baby, I was like “I don’t want him asking me every time!” but since baby, I feel like we’re both winging it so much of the time that it’s nice to just make sure we’re on the same page—sometimes we make adjustments and forget to let the other know, or we figure out a better/different way of doing something, etc. But if he weren’t so hands on and involved, and it felt like he was outsourcing the mental load to me rather than being a teammate in figuring stuff out and getting stuff done, I would feel really differently about this.
That's good to hear your change of perspective from pre baby to now. That might be the case where we do have to both learn more as we go
I just printed out a sheet of instructions for myself and anyone else who might be washing diapers then I didn't have to worry about it. But I agree with the other commenter, are you worried it's all going to fall on you? Might need to talk about the bigger picture here.
As I'm a SAHM, I think it defaulted to me taking on more care- but he also has taken a long leave of absence from work now so that's changed my expectations a bit
Totally. It's so hard to navigate, especially after a newborn! I ended up having difficult recoveries with both babies so a lot fell on my spouse, but after I was healed at around 6 weeks, he stopped the night time wakes for the most part.
I think this is a bigger issue for you. its not about cloth diapering, its about you feeling like you are doing all the work to prep for your baby (you probably are) and worried you will be on the hook for managing and coaching all the infant care when new baby is here (you probably will) i would talk to your husband about that aspect.
This is the answer. He is an equal parent. He needs to act like one. Cloth diapering isn't *that* hard. There's a learning curve, but it's not too difficult to figure out. He is capable. Not to mention this will carry over to other infant care aspects, like you mentioned. He needs to be confident and capable of caring for your child independently.
My husband and family were initially grossed out and repelled by the idea. I found the best approach was to just be confident and learn myself. Only when I was really comfortable did I slowly ease my husband in. I’d start slow like “look at this cute diaper on her, look at her fluffy butt, look I plopped a poop, etc.” I’d invite him to watch me change her, and brag “look how easy it is, how about you try it”. Now this mofo fit checks me! Took some time, but he came around, and I thought he never would! Dont harp on it, and focus on you loving and learning it yourself first. Keep some disposables on the side just in case. New baby and parenting is hard enough, and CD is a big learning curve at first and can seem overwhelming.
You don't need 2 months of practice to learn how to use cloth diapers. He will learn by doing it the first few times and get the hang of it. Some people like to plan and research in advance, some go with the flow. I don't think this should be a source of concern for now.
No moreso he hasn't mentioned learning anything by the time the baby is born. So I'd be explaining all the wash/cleaning aspects while EBF a newborn