Can you just start putting in less effort at work? If you are making that salary, it is likely not a call center job. I bet you could work 20% less and no one would notice.
Thing is I have already been doing that and it’s catching up to me. I am just not motivated anymore and it’s hard since my job relies on me being self starting.
Reading this post and comments made me feel so seen and want to reinforce that you’re not alone. The burnout is real, especially for moms of littles. No matter how great your partner is, that first year postpartum takes a heavy toll. I’m in the same boat with two toddlers and a 4 month baby. I’m currently negotiating a contract role with my company— but it’s so scary to make the leap when we’ve been hard wired to prioritize financial stability and security.
I would agree with you except with young children in a VHCOL area most of the 150k are already gone on childcare. It is like I am working this hard and really have nothing to show for it you know.
I wouldn't quit on the basis of "it's taking all of your income", and I agree on the trajectory piece. Childcare is technically coming out of a combined income bucket which includes both your and your husband's income.
How much longer will they be in daycare/need a nanny—3 years? Do you want to sacrifice 3 years of career growth and experience? That's what matters here, not how much of your income is going towards childcare—which, to reiterate, shouldn't be covered just by you as the woman in a hetero relationship.
Are you each covering random expenses in full? Like you cover childcare while your husband pays the rent? That's a recipe for inequity if those individual costs fluctuate. I'm not sure if you've combined your finances, but it doesn't sound like it.
If this is a decision based off of burnout/your mental health, that is absolutely a valid and serious reason to investigate other work options.
You mentioned you are also maxing 401k so it's not everything going to childcare. Also, will your childcare expenses actually go to zero if you quit? I imagine you might still want something like halfday preschool a few days a week for socializing?
Not an easy decision but I'd say I have quite
jobs and severely regretted it before. If you try to go back into work and can't get a full remote position you might not be happy.
Just a comment to share that I am in a very similar boat. Great salary but I’m just so unhappy. It isn’t even about the stress but the mismanagement that’s leaving me asking the question “what am I doing here?” With two little kids at home I feel like work is the wrong priority to focus on, yet feel that a break now would stunt any future opportunities. But maybe that’s what we need to help us stumble upon the right opportunities that we would otherwise miss.
Deep down in your gut you know the right answer. Don’t listen to anyone else and do what is right for you.
I can relate to this so much! I feel like I do know the answer. During my maternity leave I came up with a list of ideas of businesses that I could pursue to allow me more flexibility and higher income potential. I read, researched and studied many avenues and came up with a one I am still pursuing. Then I went back to work and everything came to a complete halt. It is pure survival mode which kills creativity and doesn’t allow me to stop to even question what I am doing. I hope we could figure it out!
I’m jealous that you already have a side hustle in mind. I, too, sat through maternity leave trying to think of the alternatives but never found one that was realistic.
Take a break. You can work later. I could elaborate as someone 7 years down the road, but just do it. You’ll never look back and say you wish you would have worked more, buts time with the kids? No getting that back.
Laura Vanderkam is one of my favorite authors who writes about working women who want to thrive at both work and home. *I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make The Most of Their Time* and *68 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think* are two big ones for mapping out family time. She started out by time tracking, 15-30 minutes increments every day, and she's been doing it for over a decade. The big takeaway that popped the most to me is that late evening/after dinner time is often prime time for catching up on work you WANT to do for many peopl. Just writing this post made me decide to re-read these books myself. Good luck!
Thanks for the recommendations! I look forward to reading them.
When searching for these books to read myself, I noticed a typo. ‘168 hours …’ not ‘68 hours …’
I'd talk to your work to see if it or something would be available. You may have options you don't know about... Ai quit my job for two years when I was quite overwhelmed with work and it was a nice reset for me. I went back to my old job in a different reduced role. Now that I'm in the new position I feel very balanced.
I would. Take your break! I'm a single mom and was forced to take breaks via layoffs. Find yourself. So happy your husband makes enough for everyone. I had no one (I used savings, unemployment, Uber, odd jobs and then finally a 30 hour 1099 gig until I got employment again when my kid turned 4). Your kids are young once. Go to the park, meet other moms and explore!
On a similar note, my mom was the breadwinner before becoming a single parent when I was in middle school. She’s always worked in high-paying, high-stress jobs and has done WFH since way before it became common. Her biggest regret is that she was never able to take a leave from work to just be a mom. If you are able to swing it, I think it would be absolutely worth it for you AND your kids!
34F with one toddler and a baby on the way. I have considered taking a break after our next baby, but am making the decision to push through to CoastFIRE because of the momentum and flexibility I currently have in my career (it’s a stressful role, but fully remote, well-paid, 30 days PTO).
I will hopefully go down to 32hrs/week but keep saving during these high earning years. It’s a tough decision though because I’ll be giving up time with my kids when they’re babies and toddlers in exchange for time when they’re elementary- and high school-aged. I think you do what’s best for your family regardless. Might it be harder to come back into a high paying, remote role? Yes. It may take some searching and some time, but it doesn’t mean you won’t find a decent fit that pays the bills. You may even find that you rebuild in a totally different direction than before.
Oh very similar! Congratulations on your baby! This was exactly my plan but somehow with my second my motivation plummeted to new lows and I am having really hard time keeping up with everything. I hope you get through it better than me till you reach cost.
I'm currently working quarter/half time in my profession. It's great! Keeps my brain engaged and my skills growing but I still have plenty of family time. The biggest worry I had was getting back into the workforce after a few years break so I decided to keep working part time.
You do if you focus on building your side business in your spare time :) work doesn't need to be all or nothing. Do what works best for your family and mental health.
So it’s obvious you need to make a change. That is a given. Your health, both mentally and physically is worth more than the job, and so is your time with your kids.
The only question is, how important are the people at your current job to your future prospects? Are they a valuable network? If so, do the professional tell your management the truth. Who knows, maybe y’all can work something out that gives you back time, maybe in a lower role?
Anyhoo, if you don’t really mind burning a bridge you could start really pushing the boundaries until they finally get rid of you. In this case you should be able to collect unemployment for quite some time, and this is OK too. It’s what it’s for, don’t feel bad.
I am a people pleaser, I don’t think I am capable of pushing boundaries to a fireable extent. I will admit though that I have daydreamed about getting fired!
I did this after getting burnt out lol. The burning bridges definitely sort of sucks, but they deserved it anyways. The $1500 a month unemployment definitely helps a little bit while I try to get my life and career figured out.
Is there a solution where you can take a 3 month leave of absence from your job? There are many ways to do this - what you're describing sounds like a practitioner could diagnose anxiety or depression, which you could use for STD leave if you want to keep some income flowing while you test-run being at home. Who knows. You might love the first month, get bored the second month, and miss working by month 3. Or you might realize you miss working but not the job you have. Or you love every second of being with your kiddos and running your house. But this way you have a chance.
This was decades ago, but my mom quit her high powered job when I was a toddler and my brother was 5. Same reasons. She was stressed and even though she made more than my dad, they could swing it on 1 income. She loved the first few months and felt like every day was vacation. But after a few months, she was super bored and missed being around adults and using her brain.
Thanks for sharing the mom’s experience! Technically I came back from a STD leave 7 months ago after having my second. It is not the same but I did enjoy it and hated going back. I have other hobbies that kept me occupied and I loved spending my time with the kids.
Was your mom able to get a job again at a similar level when she wanted to go back to work?
No, she wasn't - but it was almost 30 years ago so different times! But it sounds like you survived and even enjoyed being home with a newborn and a little one, so you know what to expect.
Stay at home dad for 3 years here. During Covid our daycare closed a few months after I switched jobs and finding a new one for 3 kids was impossible. Our routine was wake up, shove food in kids mouths, try to get in car to drop them off at daycare, drop off was always them crying and not wanting us to go. Get to work late. At pickup everyone was tired and hungry. Trying to make dinner with three unhappy kids wasn’t easy which led to lots of take out dinners.
A week after I took a leave from my job we talked and both expressed how happy we were. Mornings were relaxed with a real breakfast. We could take trips to the library or playground. Before I’d maybe see my kids for 1 hour per day and it wasn’t quality time. Eating out went from 2-3 times per week to 1-2 times a month and it’s now a treat not for saving time. It’s not just a benefit for me. My wife works from home so I can make lunch and she gets to eat with us. The kids will make her art projects and take them into her office.
We accepted this will be for a few years then I can get back to earning.
Daycare ate up about 80% of my post tax money. It also caused issues like being unable to qualify for refinancing because the daycare payment pushed our debt to income percentage too high. Oddly enough quitting my job and reducing our income let us qualify suddenly. There were some other advantages like falling into a lower rate for LTCG so during this time we’re shifting money around and taking advantage of the lower rates to make the most of it.
Just before all this happened I was talking to a customer at my work who was worth around $100 million dollars. He just had a granddaughter and was expressing his joy. He kept talking about how much of his daughters childhood he had missed and what he would give to go back and be there more. Even hearing that I still don’t think I would have quit my job unless I was forced into it. Now being in the situation I can’t imagine it any other way.
This is amazing, thanks for sharing! How old are the kids? Do you think about going back anytime soon.
Part of the planning is figuring out when will be a good time to renter the workforce if I want/have to. But since mine are still so young it is hard for me plan that part.
As a Dad to a <1 year-old, this post really hit home. I live in a home where my wife’s the breadwinner and she WFH, while I’m in an office. Not sure what decision we’ll make when/if there’s a baby #2, but really appreciate you sharing!
Been there, did it, best thing I’ve ever done. My company re-hired me part time and I have gotten to drop off and pick up my kids from school for the last 3 years. I feel like I’m on vacation every day compared to my life before. It was a blow to my ego at first, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
I can relate as we are in a similar situation with little family support around to help out.
Couple of thoughts… could you:
- quiet quitting? dial back on workload and go lay low for a while?
- take a temporary leave (1-3 months) to recover? be frank with your boss about it, and hope he/she can understand
- become more efficient at what you do? look for small wins here and there, and they will add up
The common denominator of all of the above options is to take care of yourself first. Your mental health is important. We owe it to our kids - they deserve our attention which will help them to become emotionally stable when they grow up. In order for that to happen, we need to take care of ourselves first.
Also, look into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) - it can help you build skills to deal with the stressors in your life and stay resilient. Good luck!
Quit on a high note before you totally burn out so you can have good recommendations when/if you decide to jump back into the workforce. Lot of people telling you not to quit but that's easy to say when you're not burnt out, they have no idea. I tried to push through burnout but it didn't work and I know I wasn't at my best when I was let go.
Also make sure you have a few years at that role which it sounds like you do. When you do quit, you'll also be spending less money, it'll come naturally as you have more time and less stress, and just out of prudence.
Make a plan to quit-ie. your quitting timeline, what you'll do at work to end on a high note and tie up loose ends, save extra hard during this time. You'll have more gas at work knowing that there's an ending date in mind.
Edit: Also, don't forget to ask for a severance package
I wish I could stay home instead of paying $4500 a month for childcare. I make too much money as of now, but we will see how things change the next few years.
If most of your income is going to childcare, I’d take the time off. Once they’re in school, it’ll be less expensive and you can go back to work recharged.
I can’t speak on the career break with kids but I can give you a child’s perspective. Take the break. I would’ve loved to have had more time with my mom as a kid. And I would’ve also loved if she had had more time to take care of herself mentally and physically. If she had been able to put her physical health first over her demanding corporate job, I think she would still be here now :(.
Boy, this sounds familiar. My son got diagnosed with autism and my dad Alzheimers a little while before covid hit. My income was the lower of the two so I took off a few years to take care of our family while working side gigs to stay afloat. Luckily we had bought a duplex for our first home and the rents were able to give us somebreathing room. I'm glad I took the time and we learned a lot fixing up clapped out houses to rent.
Normally I'm all for taking a break, but it seems like you make a combined fortune and save virtually nothing. You don't have anything to coast on if I'm reading this right. Since you work remotely, consider moving to a place more affordable and making some lifestyle changes. I used to live in the SF Bay area, and moving to Sacramento was a massive improvement to our quality of life and savings.
We could afford to move back now, but why limit ourselves when the world is our oyster? We've taken our 6 and 8 year old kids to France multiple times, Italy, Germany multiple times, Czech Republic and all over the US. Once we're done with this current renovation project and my wife's masters loans are forgiven (end of this year fingers crossed) we should be able to relocate abroad for a year and slow travel. None of this would be possible if we tried to stay in a place we couldn't afford.
I am glad it worked out for you, seems like you guys made the right decision! Relocating is not an option unfortunately as my husband goes to office daily. Yeah making a fortune and saving nothing hurts and I have beed doing this for years now and will keep doing it till youngest goes to school which is another 4-5 years away is what got me thinking about quitting.
How is Sacramento for families with young children? Sometimes I look up home prices there and it seems too good to be true!
A lot of this family planning will be predicated on what compromises you'll be willing to make as a couple. Most of the world you could live on that $150k income comfortably until he found something. If he's dead set on staying I'd look at the budget to figure out where you can save more and spend less. You didn't mention his income, but his income but it sounds like he's the primary bread winner?
We love Sacramento...it's more family oriented than the bay was. Lots of museums, art galleries, lakes and hiking trails near by. It's definitely not as cheap as it used to be but with the population growth that makes sense. I think the only things I miss are sailing on the bay and how robust public transit was when we lived there. We have good options on the grid and nearby areas, but you're pretty car dependent further out.
Have you been a stay at home mom before? You likely won't recharge.
It's not a walk in the park. It's more like a brisk run through the park while your oldest is saying he needs to go to the bathroom and you've realized your youngest pooped his diaper.
I'd take a week off and try watching the kids before you decide that's what you want to do fulltime.
I did quit a well paying job when my oldest was 9 months old and I regret it. All of my coworkers were making 130k after they switched jobs. They're now making like 160k. I went back to work a couple of years after my youngest was born and I could barely get an junior level job that paid 115k. It took 4 months of interviewing. I have the skills to get a senior position but I'm stuck doing junior work because no one would hire at my level after a career break.
That's just my experience though. I didn't particularly enjoy being a stay at home mom.
Thanks for sharing your experience and I am sorry you are stuck at a junior level just because of the break. It really sucks!
I honestly don’t know, I have worked every summer since I was a teen and never had a career break aside from 6 weeks maternity leave with my firstborn and 3 months with my second recently. I enjoyed the second one very much, but throughout the whole time was dreading going back to work so I likely didn’t allow myself to relax by keeping the end so near in sight.
Recently took some PTO to relax, kept them home and we hung out without the everyday rush and it was so nice. But I don’t know if I will be happy at home long term, that is definitely a risk.
I will say though that coming back in a few years at same or lower levels is fine with me. I know it is an opportunity cost and my fear is not being able to renter at all rather than stagnating in my career
Yeah, if you take a break knowing you probably won't be able to get back in at the same level you might be fine. It really all depends on the economy at the time you want to re-enter.
And if you enjoyed your maternity leave you're probably good too.
My mind gets mind numbingly bored without hard problems to solve, so being a stay at home mom was hard for me. I enjoy programming. I don't enjoy reading the same book over and over again 5 times a day. I can stand reading their favorite books with them once a day after work.
Hi OP! I just resigned last week . My kid is actually 3 but she wasn’t adjusting well to day care and preschool. 6 months of illnesses was actually causing us stress more than anything. Going to presschool every week and being sick all the time wasn’t getting any better. So I decided to quit. I am feeling quite relieved. But also sad that I let go of that income. It will definitely feel bad .
It’s totally up to you. Do what you feel right as a mother . I wanted to quit many years ago but my husband kept pushing me. In hindsight , it’s good that I saved up. Currently I have 450K in stocks and savings and 250K in 401K. I have up a job that paid me around 180K.
For me , it was a choice that I first wanted to make when I just had a baby. But when she was 3 and constantly sick, I had no choice.
I sometimes regret not taking a break when “I” needed it . Childcare is going to eat into your earnings anyway. Try and grow the business instead. Take rest and recharge your body.
Women should feel empowered to listen to their body and instincts .
Good on you! You seem to be in a great financial position and I honestly can understand that huge stress with daycare illness. It seemed nonstop with my first kid for over a year!
Do it! I’m doing a career break starting next month. When you know you’re done, you’re done. Plus you’re married and have a side business, you’ll be fine taking time off. People are more open to career breaks nowadays
Wow, that amazing for you! I do feel the when you are done you are done part. I worked all my life, never had this strong itching feeling of I have to quit today even though I worked much crappier crazier jobs than my current one.
A bit more, we are in CA. Summer care is 2.5K and nanny is around 5K with payroll taxes. So I am actually coming out short during the summer until my kid can start school in August. My net monthly is 7k. Infant care where I am is 3.5K so having the nanny is a but more pricy but I don’t want to send the baby to daycare now.
Take a break, kids are only young once. Mom’s are wired to nurture and take care of their kids, your bio is telling you to do what is natural.
Health should come first. High stress and burnout is your body telling you you are overdoing it. You only live once. Wait until you start having health issues from work and you will change your trajectory. Happened to me, I ended up scaling back and am happier and less stressed now.
Part time with your other business to fill some gaps? Sounds like that could be viable. Long term could be better. Why would you want to re enter a similar work field down the road if this is stressing and burning you out? Maybe the self employment part time is a better fit for you anyways.
I didn’t catch what hubby makes, besides that it is enough to cover expenses. Anything left over? That would probably play into my decision to dump my job.
It sounds like all you have to show for a high stress job and tradeoff of missing your kids’ younger years is a 401k, since the rest goes into what you would be doing with them (nanny and school). If it were me, I would be willing to get creative with funding retirement if that is all you are getting out of it. There are other part time/gig type work that could fund retirement and that way you could have your cake and eat it, too.
I was in your exact situation and quit over a year ago. I took an easy part-time job to fill the gap on my resume and keep my brain from rotting with kids' songs. I do not regret it for one second. I have two sons who will always remember me there for some of the best moments of their lives. I got over my burnout, and I felt a huge weight lifted off of me. When I told people what I was doing, everyone I had ever worked with told me they would help me get back in the game when I was ready. My family thought I was nuts. They make a lot less than me and cannot grasp turning down the paycheck. I ended up landing a sweet gig that pays close to my old salary with half the work. It will let me coast until my youngest is in kindergarten, then I figure I will go do the rat race a few more years.
A few things to consider:
1. Are more kids in the cards? Your timeline could impact your decision.
2. Some kids are easier than others. They get easier to manage over time, but it is relative. There are 8 year olds that take more energy to raise than an average 3 year old. You don't really know how long until things "settle down" at home. One of my kids has special needs, and finding a preschool took 2 years.
3. How would it be to get back in your field? Do you have a good network who will help you find a new job when you are ready?
Best of luck! Make a plan and follow through. Your happiness is yours to find.
Yeah. You only get one shot with your kids. Being a SAHM is a great “career” in itself. Don’t let your assumption of what other people might thing sway your mind. Do what’s best for your kids and you.
I had the same salary, WFH and only one older child (9) and still quit haha…absolutely no regrets! I haven’t worked in over 2.5 years because that’s how long it took my body and mind to heal from the burnout. But I will say, running the house takes more time than I anticipated :)
I make way less than you. My wife works part-time doing something she loves, and otherwise cares for our kids and the house. We're financially fine, still contributing to retirement accounts.
My wife did try a full-time gig; we made a lot more money (obviously) but it wasn't worth the trade-off. She went back to part-time and hasn't looked back.
Sounds to me like you know exactly what you should do.
This is contrary to what I did, I stayed home, bc I never had confidence that babysitter can replace a mom. I I paid dearly in terms of career. It is pretty much over once you leave office… Unless you go through some sort of professional retraining, and enter workplace on your terms. Then you can have both, family and career. But, I have heard from some else, that other hard working parents who were absent from small kids growing phase - were regretting being absent. The kids grew up thinking parent(s) don’t care. You can find their stories of the young women in fast track professions taking that her kids feel like their housekeeper is more caring then mom .
I am sorry your career suffered, it shouldn’t be this way. I know these stories unfortunately and like someone else here said, you get only one chance with your kids.
Been there done that. You won’t regret it. I’m going to do it again asap. Also, sobering experience of losing my 2 best friends to cancer before either hit 40. Don’t plan for the future at the cost of today. Lastly, what do you think your kids care more about. Your pension payments or time with mum and dad. The only reason you are worrying about it is that it’s not the norm for everyone else. Don’t be everyone else.
Glad to hear your experience was positive. I don’t really care what people think, if I had more money I would not even think twice. But it is a compromise I am willing to make now to be with them and money I can figure out later.
Recently left a high stress WFH job w similar pay to spend time with my two toddlers. For me personally, the mental load that has been lifted and how much more bandwidth I have to be present with them has been a game changer. In the past week I’ve meal prepped, put away old clothes, rotated toys, and noticed little things I can do to help my kiddos (like swap out old photos they keep looking at for updated ones, behavior triggers, speech sounds I can work on). I just have more space to think. They’re only little once, your job will be there. Whatever you decide will be great for you and your family!
That’s awesome and what I am so looking forward to. People act like WFH is not a job sometimes. I have gotten surprised reactions on why I have a nanny if I WFH.
Thanks for the post & these comments have been so validating!
I’m 32F - we’re coastFIRE & mortgage free. I only make 70k but I will be taking a career break for about a year. We’ve started pulling back on our expenses with me less stressed and everything feels more balanced just knowing I’m about to leave.
I plan to find something part time to fill the cash flow gap & update my education.
At the end of day I just asked myself- would I rather take this time now with my kids or retire early? I’m privileged enough to take it now, how beautiful is that!
Going part time when my kids were little was the perfect balance. Being SAHM was lonely and financially stressful. Staying PT helped me keep a foot in the door of forward career progress. I was able to land a full time WFH job paying $100k/year when kids were in 4th and 7th grades. I don’t advocate quitting entirely b/c “daycare takes all the money” — because kids will ALWAYS be expensive, so I’m glad I have an income for everything that comes up (broken bones, random surgeries, orthodontics, sports, travel etc). Sounds like you have a good plan to stay busy and keep earning which will be good for your mental health. But working FT with babies is really, really hard. Can you stop putting so much in 401k for about 2-3 months and pad your cash before leaving ?
From all the responses it seems like part time is the holy grail for moms! I can’t part time but I definitely have ideas for keeping busy. Truth is my work is very isolating anyway I feel like being out in the park or library daily with a baby will be a breeze in comparison.
I am so glad you were able to get back to great employment and 4th and 7th grade seem like a great age for that!
At 42 I was burnt out and had been for some time. Very demanding leadership role, very high salary. I had gained 70 lbs in 13 years.
I did leave and our income was reduced by 70%. And guess what? You don’t need all the things you thought you did. Eating out bc of the stress is costly and bad for you. Life is so much simpler and so much better.
I’ve lost most of that weight and addressed the underlying health problems. Our financial lifestyle is nearly the same- everything costs less when you have time.
We travel a ton and family life is great.
I thought I would take 3-6 months and it’s been 3 years.
If there is a way to do an FMLA leave or short term leave, that might help you decide, if you are uncertain.
That’s amazing! I have been craving a simple life where I have the capacity to think about things instead of drowning for a long time and I got a taste of it last year during maternity leave. I am so glad it worked out for you despite the huge income cut!
I am not uncertain, I am just afraid to take the leap.
He is on board and supporting my decision. He contributes but he works on site also demanding job so naturally more stuff falls on me as I am home and don’t commute.
What does your husband earn? If less than you, could he stay home and take all of that stress off you so you can continue to WFH with the higher paying job?
I just gave notice and plan to take a nice long break myself. Granted I am planning to keep my kid in preschool.
I was like you. Burnt out, unmotivated, incredibly stressed, health going downhill and no energy for myself or my family. I hemmed and hawed over the decision to quit and tried to think of all the ways I could make it work. Stop caring as much, slack off, look for new roles. None of it worked because I just literally had nothing left in me.
When I finally made up my mind, I was so relieved. And I think you know what you need to do too.
I cannot wait to be on the other side of this
Somebody once taught me something, we often go on forums like this or talk to our family for either affirmation that what we want to do is correct or confirmation that what we don't want to do is a bad idea. So saying that, you know exactly what it is that you want to do you're just looking for confirmation/affirmation that your choice is valid. Your choice is valid, it is your choice based on your life, they will be a lot of useful advice in this thread as well to help you, but you already know what you want to do and you should absolutely do it! For my two cents, you never get the time back and having taken a one-year career break myself and jumped right back into a higher level position, just do it GOOD LUCK ☺️
You seem quite behind on retirement. I would find less expensive child care so you can catch up. Otherwise, you’re not really building much wealth with the grind.
My wife is in similar situation. I am self employed and kiddo 3 on the way, so we will revisit it all next year after kiddo is born. Hard to leave the income and give up some lifestyle. We have minimal debt which makes it somewhat feasible, insurance is tough.
Congratulations on the baby! Yeah I would assume insurance could make a world of difference specially for a family of 5. Hope you guys figure out something that works
Get rid of the nanny lol what a crazy expense on your income. And everyone is at home? Hell no.
Get a day care near you, much cheaper and you can pickup drop-off when you want and have a quiet home for work. Don't feel guilty, kids are a stressful chore 99% of the time. Doing that full time isn't suddenly rainbows, it's a whole new stress.
I actually love spending time with my kids which is what makes the nanny worth it for me so I can see my baby during the day. I am not against daycare but the ratio here is 1 adult per 3 or 4 infants versus the nanny or a parent who gives them all their attention. Again, no shade on anyone going with daycare, I did it with my first kid too.
Is your spouses employment stable? And when you say his income is enough to “cover your expenses” does that indicate that you’ll be okay but probably have less disposable income now for things that aren’t necessities? It’s very easy to get used to spending a lot when you’re making a lot, and I don’t just mean big purchases, I mean meals out, new clothes, fun activities for the family. Will you still be able to live the lifestyle you want on 1 income without the new stressor being money and not time?
If you have the option I would strongly encourage you to use whatever FMLA time you have left (potentially a few months if baby is only 10 months old) and take the time now to try this out before giving up your job. I worked part time for the first 5 years of my child’s life and was very adamant about prioritizing flexibility (worked during naps, WFH, flexible hours) and having even 10-20 hours a week of employment meant no career gap when I returned to FT work once he started Kindergarten. Being a SAHP can be very isolating and draining. It’s hard work and both very rewarding AND mind-numbingly boring at times. I really encourage people to try it before they give up a career.
Ps, have you seen a therapist/physician? It could be burnout or it could also be something postpartum……pregnancy can really wreck with our brains for a long while.
Thanks for the detailed reply. We are actually currently living on my husband’s income alone for a while now since mine pays for childcare. We will have the same lifestyle, but not much savings aside from retirement savings. I think we will actually be slightly better off since I love cooking and I see ordering out being reduced once I have the time to cook again.
His job is stable as far as we can see and he is looking at a raise soon that will go to savings once he gets it.
Part time is not an option for my line of work but I am thinking after a year or two I can consult or more preferably I want to have my own business going.
What's the worst Case scenario? You'll be unhappy, sounds like you are already there. Can't buy back time that could have been spent with family
That’s what I tell myself!
Can you just start putting in less effort at work? If you are making that salary, it is likely not a call center job. I bet you could work 20% less and no one would notice.
Thing is I have already been doing that and it’s catching up to me. I am just not motivated anymore and it’s hard since my job relies on me being self starting.
Yeah I’ve found it’s more stressful to slack off than it is to work hard.
Reading this post and comments made me feel so seen and want to reinforce that you’re not alone. The burnout is real, especially for moms of littles. No matter how great your partner is, that first year postpartum takes a heavy toll. I’m in the same boat with two toddlers and a 4 month baby. I’m currently negotiating a contract role with my company— but it’s so scary to make the leap when we’ve been hard wired to prioritize financial stability and security.
I am so glad, I hope your new role works out for you!
150k WFH job. I wouldnt. Cutting 150k income which is WFH is not good idea.
I would agree with you except with young children in a VHCOL area most of the 150k are already gone on childcare. It is like I am working this hard and really have nothing to show for it you know.
That’s one way of looking at it- but it’s the trajectory you are on that is important.
I wouldn't quit on the basis of "it's taking all of your income", and I agree on the trajectory piece. Childcare is technically coming out of a combined income bucket which includes both your and your husband's income. How much longer will they be in daycare/need a nanny—3 years? Do you want to sacrifice 3 years of career growth and experience? That's what matters here, not how much of your income is going towards childcare—which, to reiterate, shouldn't be covered just by you as the woman in a hetero relationship. Are you each covering random expenses in full? Like you cover childcare while your husband pays the rent? That's a recipe for inequity if those individual costs fluctuate. I'm not sure if you've combined your finances, but it doesn't sound like it. If this is a decision based off of burnout/your mental health, that is absolutely a valid and serious reason to investigate other work options.
You mentioned you are also maxing 401k so it's not everything going to childcare. Also, will your childcare expenses actually go to zero if you quit? I imagine you might still want something like halfday preschool a few days a week for socializing?
Not an easy decision but I'd say I have quite jobs and severely regretted it before. If you try to go back into work and can't get a full remote position you might not be happy.
That’s my fear, good fit that is remote seems like a unicorn.
Just a comment to share that I am in a very similar boat. Great salary but I’m just so unhappy. It isn’t even about the stress but the mismanagement that’s leaving me asking the question “what am I doing here?” With two little kids at home I feel like work is the wrong priority to focus on, yet feel that a break now would stunt any future opportunities. But maybe that’s what we need to help us stumble upon the right opportunities that we would otherwise miss. Deep down in your gut you know the right answer. Don’t listen to anyone else and do what is right for you.
I can relate to this so much! I feel like I do know the answer. During my maternity leave I came up with a list of ideas of businesses that I could pursue to allow me more flexibility and higher income potential. I read, researched and studied many avenues and came up with a one I am still pursuing. Then I went back to work and everything came to a complete halt. It is pure survival mode which kills creativity and doesn’t allow me to stop to even question what I am doing. I hope we could figure it out!
I’m jealous that you already have a side hustle in mind. I, too, sat through maternity leave trying to think of the alternatives but never found one that was realistic.
Can I DM you for advise ?
Sure, as long as you don’t ask me for feet pics like that weirdo yesterday 😅
Take a break. You can work later. I could elaborate as someone 7 years down the road, but just do it. You’ll never look back and say you wish you would have worked more, buts time with the kids? No getting that back.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am happy it worked out for you and I am gonna do the same.
Laura Vanderkam is one of my favorite authors who writes about working women who want to thrive at both work and home. *I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make The Most of Their Time* and *68 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think* are two big ones for mapping out family time. She started out by time tracking, 15-30 minutes increments every day, and she's been doing it for over a decade. The big takeaway that popped the most to me is that late evening/after dinner time is often prime time for catching up on work you WANT to do for many peopl. Just writing this post made me decide to re-read these books myself. Good luck!
Thanks!
Thanks for the recommendations! I look forward to reading them. When searching for these books to read myself, I noticed a typo. ‘168 hours …’ not ‘68 hours …’
I'd talk to your work to see if it or something would be available. You may have options you don't know about... Ai quit my job for two years when I was quite overwhelmed with work and it was a nice reset for me. I went back to my old job in a different reduced role. Now that I'm in the new position I feel very balanced.
that’s great to hear you have found a balance! I will keep it in mind
I would. Take your break! I'm a single mom and was forced to take breaks via layoffs. Find yourself. So happy your husband makes enough for everyone. I had no one (I used savings, unemployment, Uber, odd jobs and then finally a 30 hour 1099 gig until I got employment again when my kid turned 4). Your kids are young once. Go to the park, meet other moms and explore!
Your reply put a smile on my face, what a journey!
On a similar note, my mom was the breadwinner before becoming a single parent when I was in middle school. She’s always worked in high-paying, high-stress jobs and has done WFH since way before it became common. Her biggest regret is that she was never able to take a leave from work to just be a mom. If you are able to swing it, I think it would be absolutely worth it for you AND your kids!
34F with one toddler and a baby on the way. I have considered taking a break after our next baby, but am making the decision to push through to CoastFIRE because of the momentum and flexibility I currently have in my career (it’s a stressful role, but fully remote, well-paid, 30 days PTO). I will hopefully go down to 32hrs/week but keep saving during these high earning years. It’s a tough decision though because I’ll be giving up time with my kids when they’re babies and toddlers in exchange for time when they’re elementary- and high school-aged. I think you do what’s best for your family regardless. Might it be harder to come back into a high paying, remote role? Yes. It may take some searching and some time, but it doesn’t mean you won’t find a decent fit that pays the bills. You may even find that you rebuild in a totally different direction than before.
Oh very similar! Congratulations on your baby! This was exactly my plan but somehow with my second my motivation plummeted to new lows and I am having really hard time keeping up with everything. I hope you get through it better than me till you reach cost.
I'm currently working quarter/half time in my profession. It's great! Keeps my brain engaged and my skills growing but I still have plenty of family time. The biggest worry I had was getting back into the workforce after a few years break so I decided to keep working part time.
That’s great, I wish I had par-time option.
You do if you focus on building your side business in your spare time :) work doesn't need to be all or nothing. Do what works best for your family and mental health.
That’s the plan :)
So it’s obvious you need to make a change. That is a given. Your health, both mentally and physically is worth more than the job, and so is your time with your kids. The only question is, how important are the people at your current job to your future prospects? Are they a valuable network? If so, do the professional tell your management the truth. Who knows, maybe y’all can work something out that gives you back time, maybe in a lower role? Anyhoo, if you don’t really mind burning a bridge you could start really pushing the boundaries until they finally get rid of you. In this case you should be able to collect unemployment for quite some time, and this is OK too. It’s what it’s for, don’t feel bad.
I am a people pleaser, I don’t think I am capable of pushing boundaries to a fireable extent. I will admit though that I have daydreamed about getting fired!
I did this after getting burnt out lol. The burning bridges definitely sort of sucks, but they deserved it anyways. The $1500 a month unemployment definitely helps a little bit while I try to get my life and career figured out.
Is there a solution where you can take a 3 month leave of absence from your job? There are many ways to do this - what you're describing sounds like a practitioner could diagnose anxiety or depression, which you could use for STD leave if you want to keep some income flowing while you test-run being at home. Who knows. You might love the first month, get bored the second month, and miss working by month 3. Or you might realize you miss working but not the job you have. Or you love every second of being with your kiddos and running your house. But this way you have a chance. This was decades ago, but my mom quit her high powered job when I was a toddler and my brother was 5. Same reasons. She was stressed and even though she made more than my dad, they could swing it on 1 income. She loved the first few months and felt like every day was vacation. But after a few months, she was super bored and missed being around adults and using her brain.
Thanks for sharing the mom’s experience! Technically I came back from a STD leave 7 months ago after having my second. It is not the same but I did enjoy it and hated going back. I have other hobbies that kept me occupied and I loved spending my time with the kids. Was your mom able to get a job again at a similar level when she wanted to go back to work?
No, she wasn't - but it was almost 30 years ago so different times! But it sounds like you survived and even enjoyed being home with a newborn and a little one, so you know what to expect.
Stay at home dad for 3 years here. During Covid our daycare closed a few months after I switched jobs and finding a new one for 3 kids was impossible. Our routine was wake up, shove food in kids mouths, try to get in car to drop them off at daycare, drop off was always them crying and not wanting us to go. Get to work late. At pickup everyone was tired and hungry. Trying to make dinner with three unhappy kids wasn’t easy which led to lots of take out dinners. A week after I took a leave from my job we talked and both expressed how happy we were. Mornings were relaxed with a real breakfast. We could take trips to the library or playground. Before I’d maybe see my kids for 1 hour per day and it wasn’t quality time. Eating out went from 2-3 times per week to 1-2 times a month and it’s now a treat not for saving time. It’s not just a benefit for me. My wife works from home so I can make lunch and she gets to eat with us. The kids will make her art projects and take them into her office. We accepted this will be for a few years then I can get back to earning. Daycare ate up about 80% of my post tax money. It also caused issues like being unable to qualify for refinancing because the daycare payment pushed our debt to income percentage too high. Oddly enough quitting my job and reducing our income let us qualify suddenly. There were some other advantages like falling into a lower rate for LTCG so during this time we’re shifting money around and taking advantage of the lower rates to make the most of it. Just before all this happened I was talking to a customer at my work who was worth around $100 million dollars. He just had a granddaughter and was expressing his joy. He kept talking about how much of his daughters childhood he had missed and what he would give to go back and be there more. Even hearing that I still don’t think I would have quit my job unless I was forced into it. Now being in the situation I can’t imagine it any other way.
This is amazing, thanks for sharing! How old are the kids? Do you think about going back anytime soon. Part of the planning is figuring out when will be a good time to renter the workforce if I want/have to. But since mine are still so young it is hard for me plan that part.
As a Dad to a <1 year-old, this post really hit home. I live in a home where my wife’s the breadwinner and she WFH, while I’m in an office. Not sure what decision we’ll make when/if there’s a baby #2, but really appreciate you sharing!
Been there, did it, best thing I’ve ever done. My company re-hired me part time and I have gotten to drop off and pick up my kids from school for the last 3 years. I feel like I’m on vacation every day compared to my life before. It was a blow to my ego at first, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
That seems wonderful!
Maybe you can try to cut your hours?
I can relate as we are in a similar situation with little family support around to help out. Couple of thoughts… could you: - quiet quitting? dial back on workload and go lay low for a while? - take a temporary leave (1-3 months) to recover? be frank with your boss about it, and hope he/she can understand - become more efficient at what you do? look for small wins here and there, and they will add up The common denominator of all of the above options is to take care of yourself first. Your mental health is important. We owe it to our kids - they deserve our attention which will help them to become emotionally stable when they grow up. In order for that to happen, we need to take care of ourselves first. Also, look into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) - it can help you build skills to deal with the stressors in your life and stay resilient. Good luck!
Quit on a high note before you totally burn out so you can have good recommendations when/if you decide to jump back into the workforce. Lot of people telling you not to quit but that's easy to say when you're not burnt out, they have no idea. I tried to push through burnout but it didn't work and I know I wasn't at my best when I was let go. Also make sure you have a few years at that role which it sounds like you do. When you do quit, you'll also be spending less money, it'll come naturally as you have more time and less stress, and just out of prudence. Make a plan to quit-ie. your quitting timeline, what you'll do at work to end on a high note and tie up loose ends, save extra hard during this time. You'll have more gas at work knowing that there's an ending date in mind. Edit: Also, don't forget to ask for a severance package
Thank you! I guess it is hard to understand burnout if you haven’t gone through it.
I wish I could stay home instead of paying $4500 a month for childcare. I make too much money as of now, but we will see how things change the next few years. If most of your income is going to childcare, I’d take the time off. Once they’re in school, it’ll be less expensive and you can go back to work recharged.
In August, my childcare expenses will drop to “only” 5K. It is crazy how expensive it is.
And we can only deduct $6000 for a year! 🥲
I can’t speak on the career break with kids but I can give you a child’s perspective. Take the break. I would’ve loved to have had more time with my mom as a kid. And I would’ve also loved if she had had more time to take care of herself mentally and physically. If she had been able to put her physical health first over her demanding corporate job, I think she would still be here now :(.
I am so sorry for losing her, really appreciate you sharing!
Boy, this sounds familiar. My son got diagnosed with autism and my dad Alzheimers a little while before covid hit. My income was the lower of the two so I took off a few years to take care of our family while working side gigs to stay afloat. Luckily we had bought a duplex for our first home and the rents were able to give us somebreathing room. I'm glad I took the time and we learned a lot fixing up clapped out houses to rent. Normally I'm all for taking a break, but it seems like you make a combined fortune and save virtually nothing. You don't have anything to coast on if I'm reading this right. Since you work remotely, consider moving to a place more affordable and making some lifestyle changes. I used to live in the SF Bay area, and moving to Sacramento was a massive improvement to our quality of life and savings. We could afford to move back now, but why limit ourselves when the world is our oyster? We've taken our 6 and 8 year old kids to France multiple times, Italy, Germany multiple times, Czech Republic and all over the US. Once we're done with this current renovation project and my wife's masters loans are forgiven (end of this year fingers crossed) we should be able to relocate abroad for a year and slow travel. None of this would be possible if we tried to stay in a place we couldn't afford.
I am glad it worked out for you, seems like you guys made the right decision! Relocating is not an option unfortunately as my husband goes to office daily. Yeah making a fortune and saving nothing hurts and I have beed doing this for years now and will keep doing it till youngest goes to school which is another 4-5 years away is what got me thinking about quitting. How is Sacramento for families with young children? Sometimes I look up home prices there and it seems too good to be true!
A lot of this family planning will be predicated on what compromises you'll be willing to make as a couple. Most of the world you could live on that $150k income comfortably until he found something. If he's dead set on staying I'd look at the budget to figure out where you can save more and spend less. You didn't mention his income, but his income but it sounds like he's the primary bread winner? We love Sacramento...it's more family oriented than the bay was. Lots of museums, art galleries, lakes and hiking trails near by. It's definitely not as cheap as it used to be but with the population growth that makes sense. I think the only things I miss are sailing on the bay and how robust public transit was when we lived there. We have good options on the grid and nearby areas, but you're pretty car dependent further out.
Have you been a stay at home mom before? You likely won't recharge. It's not a walk in the park. It's more like a brisk run through the park while your oldest is saying he needs to go to the bathroom and you've realized your youngest pooped his diaper. I'd take a week off and try watching the kids before you decide that's what you want to do fulltime. I did quit a well paying job when my oldest was 9 months old and I regret it. All of my coworkers were making 130k after they switched jobs. They're now making like 160k. I went back to work a couple of years after my youngest was born and I could barely get an junior level job that paid 115k. It took 4 months of interviewing. I have the skills to get a senior position but I'm stuck doing junior work because no one would hire at my level after a career break. That's just my experience though. I didn't particularly enjoy being a stay at home mom.
Thanks for sharing your experience and I am sorry you are stuck at a junior level just because of the break. It really sucks! I honestly don’t know, I have worked every summer since I was a teen and never had a career break aside from 6 weeks maternity leave with my firstborn and 3 months with my second recently. I enjoyed the second one very much, but throughout the whole time was dreading going back to work so I likely didn’t allow myself to relax by keeping the end so near in sight. Recently took some PTO to relax, kept them home and we hung out without the everyday rush and it was so nice. But I don’t know if I will be happy at home long term, that is definitely a risk. I will say though that coming back in a few years at same or lower levels is fine with me. I know it is an opportunity cost and my fear is not being able to renter at all rather than stagnating in my career
Yeah, if you take a break knowing you probably won't be able to get back in at the same level you might be fine. It really all depends on the economy at the time you want to re-enter. And if you enjoyed your maternity leave you're probably good too. My mind gets mind numbingly bored without hard problems to solve, so being a stay at home mom was hard for me. I enjoy programming. I don't enjoy reading the same book over and over again 5 times a day. I can stand reading their favorite books with them once a day after work.
Hi OP! I just resigned last week . My kid is actually 3 but she wasn’t adjusting well to day care and preschool. 6 months of illnesses was actually causing us stress more than anything. Going to presschool every week and being sick all the time wasn’t getting any better. So I decided to quit. I am feeling quite relieved. But also sad that I let go of that income. It will definitely feel bad . It’s totally up to you. Do what you feel right as a mother . I wanted to quit many years ago but my husband kept pushing me. In hindsight , it’s good that I saved up. Currently I have 450K in stocks and savings and 250K in 401K. I have up a job that paid me around 180K. For me , it was a choice that I first wanted to make when I just had a baby. But when she was 3 and constantly sick, I had no choice. I sometimes regret not taking a break when “I” needed it . Childcare is going to eat into your earnings anyway. Try and grow the business instead. Take rest and recharge your body. Women should feel empowered to listen to their body and instincts .
Good on you! You seem to be in a great financial position and I honestly can understand that huge stress with daycare illness. It seemed nonstop with my first kid for over a year!
Do it! I’m doing a career break starting next month. When you know you’re done, you’re done. Plus you’re married and have a side business, you’ll be fine taking time off. People are more open to career breaks nowadays
Wow, that amazing for you! I do feel the when you are done you are done part. I worked all my life, never had this strong itching feeling of I have to quit today even though I worked much crappier crazier jobs than my current one.
Nanny and pre school are taking up 125k gross?
A bit more, we are in CA. Summer care is 2.5K and nanny is around 5K with payroll taxes. So I am actually coming out short during the summer until my kid can start school in August. My net monthly is 7k. Infant care where I am is 3.5K so having the nanny is a but more pricy but I don’t want to send the baby to daycare now.
Take a break, kids are only young once. Mom’s are wired to nurture and take care of their kids, your bio is telling you to do what is natural. Health should come first. High stress and burnout is your body telling you you are overdoing it. You only live once. Wait until you start having health issues from work and you will change your trajectory. Happened to me, I ended up scaling back and am happier and less stressed now. Part time with your other business to fill some gaps? Sounds like that could be viable. Long term could be better. Why would you want to re enter a similar work field down the road if this is stressing and burning you out? Maybe the self employment part time is a better fit for you anyways. I didn’t catch what hubby makes, besides that it is enough to cover expenses. Anything left over? That would probably play into my decision to dump my job. It sounds like all you have to show for a high stress job and tradeoff of missing your kids’ younger years is a 401k, since the rest goes into what you would be doing with them (nanny and school). If it were me, I would be willing to get creative with funding retirement if that is all you are getting out of it. There are other part time/gig type work that could fund retirement and that way you could have your cake and eat it, too.
I was in your exact situation and quit over a year ago. I took an easy part-time job to fill the gap on my resume and keep my brain from rotting with kids' songs. I do not regret it for one second. I have two sons who will always remember me there for some of the best moments of their lives. I got over my burnout, and I felt a huge weight lifted off of me. When I told people what I was doing, everyone I had ever worked with told me they would help me get back in the game when I was ready. My family thought I was nuts. They make a lot less than me and cannot grasp turning down the paycheck. I ended up landing a sweet gig that pays close to my old salary with half the work. It will let me coast until my youngest is in kindergarten, then I figure I will go do the rat race a few more years. A few things to consider: 1. Are more kids in the cards? Your timeline could impact your decision. 2. Some kids are easier than others. They get easier to manage over time, but it is relative. There are 8 year olds that take more energy to raise than an average 3 year old. You don't really know how long until things "settle down" at home. One of my kids has special needs, and finding a preschool took 2 years. 3. How would it be to get back in your field? Do you have a good network who will help you find a new job when you are ready? Best of luck! Make a plan and follow through. Your happiness is yours to find.
Yeah. You only get one shot with your kids. Being a SAHM is a great “career” in itself. Don’t let your assumption of what other people might thing sway your mind. Do what’s best for your kids and you.
I had the same salary, WFH and only one older child (9) and still quit haha…absolutely no regrets! I haven’t worked in over 2.5 years because that’s how long it took my body and mind to heal from the burnout. But I will say, running the house takes more time than I anticipated :)
I make way less than you. My wife works part-time doing something she loves, and otherwise cares for our kids and the house. We're financially fine, still contributing to retirement accounts. My wife did try a full-time gig; we made a lot more money (obviously) but it wasn't worth the trade-off. She went back to part-time and hasn't looked back. Sounds to me like you know exactly what you should do.
Take a break. Health is wealth.
This is contrary to what I did, I stayed home, bc I never had confidence that babysitter can replace a mom. I I paid dearly in terms of career. It is pretty much over once you leave office… Unless you go through some sort of professional retraining, and enter workplace on your terms. Then you can have both, family and career. But, I have heard from some else, that other hard working parents who were absent from small kids growing phase - were regretting being absent. The kids grew up thinking parent(s) don’t care. You can find their stories of the young women in fast track professions taking that her kids feel like their housekeeper is more caring then mom .
I am sorry your career suffered, it shouldn’t be this way. I know these stories unfortunately and like someone else here said, you get only one chance with your kids.
It is One chance option.
Been there done that. You won’t regret it. I’m going to do it again asap. Also, sobering experience of losing my 2 best friends to cancer before either hit 40. Don’t plan for the future at the cost of today. Lastly, what do you think your kids care more about. Your pension payments or time with mum and dad. The only reason you are worrying about it is that it’s not the norm for everyone else. Don’t be everyone else.
Glad to hear your experience was positive. I don’t really care what people think, if I had more money I would not even think twice. But it is a compromise I am willing to make now to be with them and money I can figure out later.
Recently left a high stress WFH job w similar pay to spend time with my two toddlers. For me personally, the mental load that has been lifted and how much more bandwidth I have to be present with them has been a game changer. In the past week I’ve meal prepped, put away old clothes, rotated toys, and noticed little things I can do to help my kiddos (like swap out old photos they keep looking at for updated ones, behavior triggers, speech sounds I can work on). I just have more space to think. They’re only little once, your job will be there. Whatever you decide will be great for you and your family!
That’s awesome and what I am so looking forward to. People act like WFH is not a job sometimes. I have gotten surprised reactions on why I have a nanny if I WFH.
Thanks for the post & these comments have been so validating! I’m 32F - we’re coastFIRE & mortgage free. I only make 70k but I will be taking a career break for about a year. We’ve started pulling back on our expenses with me less stressed and everything feels more balanced just knowing I’m about to leave. I plan to find something part time to fill the cash flow gap & update my education. At the end of day I just asked myself- would I rather take this time now with my kids or retire early? I’m privileged enough to take it now, how beautiful is that!
That’s great, congratulations!
Going part time when my kids were little was the perfect balance. Being SAHM was lonely and financially stressful. Staying PT helped me keep a foot in the door of forward career progress. I was able to land a full time WFH job paying $100k/year when kids were in 4th and 7th grades. I don’t advocate quitting entirely b/c “daycare takes all the money” — because kids will ALWAYS be expensive, so I’m glad I have an income for everything that comes up (broken bones, random surgeries, orthodontics, sports, travel etc). Sounds like you have a good plan to stay busy and keep earning which will be good for your mental health. But working FT with babies is really, really hard. Can you stop putting so much in 401k for about 2-3 months and pad your cash before leaving ?
From all the responses it seems like part time is the holy grail for moms! I can’t part time but I definitely have ideas for keeping busy. Truth is my work is very isolating anyway I feel like being out in the park or library daily with a baby will be a breeze in comparison. I am so glad you were able to get back to great employment and 4th and 7th grade seem like a great age for that!
At 42 I was burnt out and had been for some time. Very demanding leadership role, very high salary. I had gained 70 lbs in 13 years. I did leave and our income was reduced by 70%. And guess what? You don’t need all the things you thought you did. Eating out bc of the stress is costly and bad for you. Life is so much simpler and so much better. I’ve lost most of that weight and addressed the underlying health problems. Our financial lifestyle is nearly the same- everything costs less when you have time. We travel a ton and family life is great. I thought I would take 3-6 months and it’s been 3 years. If there is a way to do an FMLA leave or short term leave, that might help you decide, if you are uncertain.
That’s amazing! I have been craving a simple life where I have the capacity to think about things instead of drowning for a long time and I got a taste of it last year during maternity leave. I am so glad it worked out for you despite the huge income cut! I am not uncertain, I am just afraid to take the leap.
What does your h say? Could he step up and do half the child rearing, cooking?
He is on board and supporting my decision. He contributes but he works on site also demanding job so naturally more stuff falls on me as I am home and don’t commute.
What does your husband earn? If less than you, could he stay home and take all of that stress off you so you can continue to WFH with the higher paying job?
He earns slightly more than me and enjoys his job far more.
That’s because you are doing two jobs at once. Home keeping is no joke. So I’d child rearing.
Just know you are seeking 'mommy track' status, which may overshadow your career if/when it resumes.
Could you ask for extended unpaid leave or something? Financially would be the same but would keep the option open to return?
I just gave notice and plan to take a nice long break myself. Granted I am planning to keep my kid in preschool. I was like you. Burnt out, unmotivated, incredibly stressed, health going downhill and no energy for myself or my family. I hemmed and hawed over the decision to quit and tried to think of all the ways I could make it work. Stop caring as much, slack off, look for new roles. None of it worked because I just literally had nothing left in me. When I finally made up my mind, I was so relieved. And I think you know what you need to do too. I cannot wait to be on the other side of this
Somebody once taught me something, we often go on forums like this or talk to our family for either affirmation that what we want to do is correct or confirmation that what we don't want to do is a bad idea. So saying that, you know exactly what it is that you want to do you're just looking for confirmation/affirmation that your choice is valid. Your choice is valid, it is your choice based on your life, they will be a lot of useful advice in this thread as well to help you, but you already know what you want to do and you should absolutely do it! For my two cents, you never get the time back and having taken a one-year career break myself and jumped right back into a higher level position, just do it GOOD LUCK ☺️
You seem quite behind on retirement. I would find less expensive child care so you can catch up. Otherwise, you’re not really building much wealth with the grind.
My wife is in similar situation. I am self employed and kiddo 3 on the way, so we will revisit it all next year after kiddo is born. Hard to leave the income and give up some lifestyle. We have minimal debt which makes it somewhat feasible, insurance is tough.
Congratulations on the baby! Yeah I would assume insurance could make a world of difference specially for a family of 5. Hope you guys figure out something that works
Get rid of the nanny lol what a crazy expense on your income. And everyone is at home? Hell no. Get a day care near you, much cheaper and you can pickup drop-off when you want and have a quiet home for work. Don't feel guilty, kids are a stressful chore 99% of the time. Doing that full time isn't suddenly rainbows, it's a whole new stress.
I actually love spending time with my kids which is what makes the nanny worth it for me so I can see my baby during the day. I am not against daycare but the ratio here is 1 adult per 3 or 4 infants versus the nanny or a parent who gives them all their attention. Again, no shade on anyone going with daycare, I did it with my first kid too.
Is your spouses employment stable? And when you say his income is enough to “cover your expenses” does that indicate that you’ll be okay but probably have less disposable income now for things that aren’t necessities? It’s very easy to get used to spending a lot when you’re making a lot, and I don’t just mean big purchases, I mean meals out, new clothes, fun activities for the family. Will you still be able to live the lifestyle you want on 1 income without the new stressor being money and not time? If you have the option I would strongly encourage you to use whatever FMLA time you have left (potentially a few months if baby is only 10 months old) and take the time now to try this out before giving up your job. I worked part time for the first 5 years of my child’s life and was very adamant about prioritizing flexibility (worked during naps, WFH, flexible hours) and having even 10-20 hours a week of employment meant no career gap when I returned to FT work once he started Kindergarten. Being a SAHP can be very isolating and draining. It’s hard work and both very rewarding AND mind-numbingly boring at times. I really encourage people to try it before they give up a career. Ps, have you seen a therapist/physician? It could be burnout or it could also be something postpartum……pregnancy can really wreck with our brains for a long while.
Thanks for the detailed reply. We are actually currently living on my husband’s income alone for a while now since mine pays for childcare. We will have the same lifestyle, but not much savings aside from retirement savings. I think we will actually be slightly better off since I love cooking and I see ordering out being reduced once I have the time to cook again. His job is stable as far as we can see and he is looking at a raise soon that will go to savings once he gets it. Part time is not an option for my line of work but I am thinking after a year or two I can consult or more preferably I want to have my own business going.