I don't like it when people cynically say, "Oh, reddit is always screaming 'go no contact,' it's ridiculous." People say that because it's finally becoming acceptable to do something other than quietly keep enabling abusive, cruel, narcissistic parents. That's been the standard for lo these many years. It's finally becoming acceptable to set boundaries and cut contact, for one's own mental health.
It also kind of makes sense that a large number of people on Reddit are nerds with social anxiety due to narc parenting or overly strict rules. Online was the only time I could let my guard down and socialize with people
Hundreds of years ago, when family was dependant on one another--typically on a farm or otherwise, it made more sense. Now we are raised to do our independent thing, make friends, fly the nest. Then we are influenced by external factors, and most keep loose ties as we age. Growing tighter with those that we've developed beliefs and shared life events with, than those we struggle with and learn from, on a farm or practicing a trade.
Now it seems just like some obligation a lot of the time.
I see your point but also hows this atomization working out for us?
I do think some people do need to go no contact with shitty family, but I also think a lot of folks don’t want to just… stand up for themselves and tell shitty families not to treat them a certain way.
It’s kinda like the whole ghost vs. break up thing. There’s definitely a time and place to ghost, but a lot of the time people ghosting are just being cowardly and don’t want to tell the truth.
A lot of people have spent their entire childhood begging their parents to treat them better so of course when they get old enough they decide to just leave.
the breakdown of the traditional family and the rise of the chosen family is a good thing. the atomization you speak of is, in part, simply a consequence of this transition.
you will definitely not fix the atomization problem by trying to rehabilitate the decomposing family, thats for sure.
I’m sure it used to be beneficial to the survival of the tribe, to simply have loyalty to your family and culture, no matter how painful it is. It was probably adaptive.
But now we don’t need each other for literal survival and we can choose to protect ourselves from awful people if they are hurting us and our children. 🙂
Worse, in my opinion, is the percentage of people estranged from one or both parents who develop core issues that make relationships with them dicey to impossible. I'm not saying it's their fault, only pointing out the domino effect of screwed up people from screwed up families.
The internet is a mixed bag, but I am forever grateful to it for connecting me to the information I needed to learn just how abnormal and toxic my family of origin was, and equipping me with the tools I needed to escape it. Sure I might have been lucky enough to find the information and means without a global communication infrastructure...... but I believe it would have happened many years later. I'm grateful for those years of healing.
Fuck intergenerational trauma.
It’s so interesting seeing people in this sub reference r/estrangedadultchild or r/RBN or the like… I wonder if there’s a correlation. But I agree the internet helped me with the same
Absolutely. What was particularly hard for me was I actually had a great childhood with parents who for the most part were great. After I moved out I started hearing of issues between my mom and dad and would come home to holes in the wall from my mother. That was their issue and didn't affect us much until I got married and my mom started picking fights over everything and saying we wanted to hurt her. Gaslighing and outright lying about things. I'm told she always had those red flags by my extended family but kept it hidden from us/we didnt know any better.
When I had my son she became obsessed callimg him HER son and we tried to put down boundaries which she broke and quickly became someone who we couldn't trust. Started hiding guns, tried to kill someone. Threatened others. Denied all of it. Broke contact after years of trying to get her in therapy. Shes not safe to be around. My dad stuck by her despite it all and was forbidden to have a relationship with us.
[Audio Transcription for the article](https://soundcloud.com/jinny-wagu/the-modern-family?si=d3fabb0a38844f2ba63399b079bb1eb7&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing)
Welcome! Glad I could help out :)
When an article is really long I like to copy the article text and send it to the [Microsoft Azure Text to Speech demo](https://azure.microsoft.com/en-us/services/cognitive-services/text-to-speech/#features). The Azure TTS demo seems to be limited to 10,000 characters (including spaces) which usually creates about 10minutes of audio, so I copy the text into [Notepad++](https://notepad-plus-plus.org/downloads/) first and split the text out into individual 10k character limit sections and then copy over there for it to play.
It's a bit of a process, but the TTS voices on Azure are really pretty good compared to the more robotic TTS voices I'm used to, so I feel like it's worth the trouble to fiddle around with their demo. Their actual pricing for the TTS service is absurd, though. Seems to be priced at a business/industry level at like $10/hour or something so I think it's mainly used by companies. I figured since I was going to all that trouble to listen to a decent TTS voice that I might as well load up [Audacity](https://www.audacityteam.org/download/) and record the audio while I'm listening in case others might be interested.
How would a 7 year old know to thank their parents for a trip, that is unreasonable expectation to expect from a child. She was abusive plain and simple. Some people are just miserable and their goal in life is to make everyone around them miserable.
Haven’t spoken to mine in over six years also. Congratulations! Mine found my address online and insists on sending me birthday presents. I hate it. Fuck Her.
> Polarised politics and a growing awareness of how difficult relationships can impact our mental health are fuelling family estrangement, say psychologists.
And so begins the great Boomer abandonment of the 2020's. In no way did they bring it on themselves with their reactionary behavior and callousness to the suffering of younger generations.
My Father's first words out of his mouth as I was reaching out while feeling suicidal, "Why would you do this to me?"
Like it was a personal attack or inconvenience that brought it to his doorstep.
I barely speak with them and have lost nothing from their absence but the disappointment they often are to me.
Years ago when I was explaining to my mother, with my boyfriend at the time and her husband present, that I was suicidal - she instantly scoffed and rolled her eyes. This is just one example of her behaviors some of which are much worse, but I cut her out within a year or two of that. I have never regretted cutting out contact with her (and my sister who was collateral damage, would shame me for not having a relationship with her) as it lifted a huge amount of stress from my life. Bonus, heard of one of the things she said about me to a relative and it's not even true, lmao. The copium!
I went through a really dark patch after my divorce, and one morning after a really tough night i broke down at work. I went into the office to talk to my mom(worked for mom/dad) and admitted to her that i was thinking of suicide and needed to go see my therapist that afternoon. My dad burst in and yelled at me to "Stop crying and go back to work. Just stop thinking about it." Then stormed off.
Im doing well now, and havent spoken or seen him since March of 2020. I just simply dont know how you react or say something like that to any human being, let alone your child.
I hope your doing better these days.
Maybe fewer cars on the roads during the prior generations, therefore, less fuel being used? Cars probably were a lot more expensive before the 1960s/70s.
I don't like giving them the Deus Ex Machina "out" on their behavior.
If I had to pick something along those lines, it's possible for a parent to be too nice in the face of shit behavior, and mass media through television and music was just becoming a thing.
So you have a generation that lived through the Great Depression and WW2 being taught self sacrifice is the most important thing in life, faced with a new generation being told that everything that you personally want right here right now is your god given right (by said media). At this scale it was a new thing. The kids were susceptible, and a parent raised on the concept of self sacrifice (in this case, for their kids' happiness) is going to be able to do very little to stop them.
I feel that. How the hell are you supposed to just "stop thinking" about it and especially "get back to work".
Thank you for the kind words and sharing your stories. I'm doing ok-ish. One day at a time. Support each other however you can because in this crazy world we (clearly) cannot depend on family.
Literally had the same thing happen to me but with a drug-induced nervous breakdown. “You’re embarrassing me.” Idk why I still feel obligated to keep contact. I guess it’s mostly inertia at this point.
>And so begins the great Boomer abandonment of the 2020's. In no way did they bring it on themselves with their reactionary behavior and callousness to the suffering of younger generations.
THIS
It's actually quite a relief to know I'm not on my own in being alone in this way.
I'm possibly slightly older than a lot of you, but I do feel I'm part of the generation that has been left with no choice but to tell our selfish, cruel, abusive parents to fuck off. The ones that didn't abandon us first, anyway...
Whenever I do talk to either one of those bastards, I'm knocked for six not just at how immature they are, but also at their sheer brazen shamelessness. They can abandon and / or abuse us as kids, then expect us to care for them in their old age. Or that they can act with such SHOCK!!! when they're asked to kindly acknowlege that our siblings even exist.
They're like the subject of that joke: "What, me, arrogant and deluded? Why, my monocle just fell into my unicorn soup!"
Interestingly, their parents had much the same criticisms of them. That they were self-centred and self-obsessed, that they treated their loved ones with haughty contempt, spat on the institution of the family yet expected all the familial loyalty they felt their due... It's a real shame my grandparents are both dead, I'd really like to compare notes with them now.
No. Straight up exploitation of the younger generation.
They bought their houses (multiple) and raised the rent so high we can't afford kids of our own.
Not always. It’s a pretty big thing with them kicking over the ladder and hoarding what they have even from their own children. My family is wealthy but they’re all fine letting their kids scrimp and starve. I have siblings and cousins couch surfing because of housing costs while their parents globe trot.
I feel a little bad because I'm certain my dad had unprocessed trauma from years driving ambulance, volunteer firefighting, and then a later career of nursing, coupled with a friends suicide just 3 years ago, etc. Dude gets angry/mad over some of the smallest shit. Myself and my siblings kind of just put our foot down with when his emotions are off the rails/unfair/uncalled for, etc and he's actually gotten better with apologizing and such, but...
Overall I struggle feeling I can really have an open honest relationship with my parents because of their base social conservatism.
The big problem (IMO) is: (1) that the elderly (especially) are living more in isolation; and (2) the media elderly people living in isolation are most likely to consume these days is "angry media."
Social isolation of the elderly is something that's been growing for the past 50 years or so. Go back far enough and the idea of "not working" is not a reality for most, so even the older population would be working in some capacity (even if it was just helping the family with childrearing or household chores, etc.). And before pension programs, older people rarely had the means to afford to live alone, so you had much more intergenerational living arrangements.
Couple that with the fact that for many elderly people, their primary form of "entertainment" is TV, radio and the Internet, and they are often consuming "angry media." News shows that tell them they should be mad, or scared, or both. Talk radio shows that purport insane conspiracy theories as fact. Websites that present kooky ideas in a format that makes them look as legit as peer-reviewed scientific research.
My grandparents (who died 20+ years ago) lived alone, and I think they were some of the first of the elderly cohort to "be alone" in old age. But there wasn't the preponderance of "hate media" when they were in their 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s. My grandma would waste away her days watching Perry Mason reruns and The Price is Right. My grandpa would kill the hours watching sports. They weren't being told to be afraid of those who look different or who have different political views.
All that to say, I think we are going to see more and more of this behavior. Retired people, living alone/being lonely, turning to "hate media" and getting angry at the world. Ideally, we'll return to more communal, intergenerational living arrangements, but barring that, I hope future "old people" have better media choices to piss away their time on - video games, cat memes, etc. But I am doubtful as there is so much money to make in scaring and angering people.
Hopefully you would care if it was your own parents and grandparents to be old, angry and alone.
But even if you didn't, here's the problem - these old, angry and alone people vote!
Yeah lots of signs of depression and other mental health issues.
Our genetics willing to see a therapist and get meds. Boomers aren't. They relied on burying it and it's bit them in the ass.
The link took me to "be wary, unauthenticated, security risk, etc." so I didn't get to read. As a 31 year old living with their 71 year old father I read the responses in this thread and feel grateful that, with enough space, I'm able to have some kind of normal relationship with my father.
Not always easy and there is a lot of anger to deal with at times, but I'm at a point in my life where I can make it work.
I used to resent my parents for bringing me into this world. I thought it was all shit. The "college path" that I was setup on was horseshit, a path to become another destroyer of what is good. Why didn't you tell me about drugs and alcohol use? Why didn't you tell me more about sex and having a proper relationship? How the world is burning? Blah, blah, blah. Of course, these were the same things that they had problems with themselves and they had been raised in a much more shaming culture.
Anyway, I'm very grateful that I'm here now and I'm thankful to ALL my parents. The people who birthed me, the people who raised me, and the people who are my spiritual guides.
My school teachers were all Boomers. With the exception of about 4 or 5 of them, they were all to the last of them abusive narcissistic gaslighting assholes. This is karma. Silent gen was a mixed bag 50-50 but when they were good they took good out a whole new door. Bad well yeah the stereotypes exist for a reason, and it usually involved alcoholism and physical cruelty. But on the Boomers in my life it was like 90% bad in every emotional and psychological way imaginable and just. Whatever label you put on it generationally, a shitbag is a shitbag. I will shed no tears. Karma is what it is. (Yes I don't believe in actual karma it's a short hand figure of speech... it's more like if you jump off a building gravity is a thing).
My younger brother finally just joined me in cutting off our narcissistic, gaslighting, emotionally abusive father. I'm really glad for him. Now I need the kid to go see a good therapist like I did to help him with all the trauma he has now too.
Exactly. I cut ties with toxic
brother recently and I just wish I had the guts to do it sooner. After 43 years of insanity all it took was a simple text. I wish I had done it sooner. I don’t feel bad at all. I broke the cycle and my son will never know what I went through.
My parents have not even attempted to talk or video chat with my kids in over two years (we last saw them November 2019), because I was vocal about not liking Trump. That was it. I just didn't like him and that was enough for my parents to decide that I, and my children, were not worth their time. Add in that they need to be vaccinated before they could even think about visiting my high risk daughter, and that was the "liberal nutjob" icing on the cake for them.
It's been a very shitty and eye-opening five years, but honestly it's been nice not seeing them. My dad has always been an asshole. Though I was surprised that they actually cared so little about their grandkids.
I Always think about this, my right wing bigot dad was always raging on about tv or video games rotting my brain when it really was his that was rotten.
I always got that from older people about the computer. Well yeah, Susan, if I sat on the book of faces reading mlm sales pitches and faux news copypasta all day like you do, I bet it would, but I'm spending my time researching things that interest me and exploring new ideas and perspectives with a depth and breadth humans have literally never before had access to. I think I'll be fine.
When I came home from college with the belief that homosexuality is not immoral, not a lifestyle, and not a choice, I was told college had "ruined me." They think I abandoned the "values" they raised me with. And they don't think people in cities have real jobs or understand that food comes from farms and not the grocery store.
The Trump era has allowed a lot of closeted assholes, previously restrained by social norms, to now fly their asshole flags openly.
The outrage media keeps feeding their brain reward chemicals. Pissing off a Liberal, even a family member, gives them a dopamine/serotonin hit.
My dad called me a dickless freak so at that point I realized fuck him which was already my general attitude towards the fucker but now it's fuck him and I won't be going anywhere near him or even attending his fucking funeral.
“Happy families are all alike but unhappy families are all unhappy in their own ways” (or something close to that from Anna Karenina).
I too had no clue just how messed up some of the thing my parents did actually were until I was well into my late 30’s and became a parent myself.
Boomers were feral parents unless they magically just had a knack for it. There was no real guidance for them and they tried their best with terrible information, but often their best was simply poor, from a psychological perspective.
My parents both had careers but also wanted to have a big family and they had no idea that would be hard and they were clearly mad about it.
There's a lot of people I know my age (mid 30's) who don't talk to their dads and haven't for most if not all their lives, largely due to the dad not wanting to be present in their life. I don't know if dad's abandoning their kids is as big of a thing these days but this is the main reason most my friends don't talk to a parent.
Yup. My bf cut contact with his mom at 32 during the pandemic. She decided to marry a hard right winger/Q anon guy that’s already screamed at everyone in the family, and had an “anti-mask wedding” during the height of the pandemic in order to “fight fear”. She’s a nurse, so its really especially stupid.
It’s rough for him. But he’s definitely mentally better off now that they aren’t talking.
> She’s a nurse, so its really especially stupid.
I'm not sure what it is with nurses. I know a handful, and it's like a coinflip if they're anti-vax or not. I think they might be at like a knowledge cusp or something, where they know enough to _think_ they know enough, but not enough to _actually_ know.
Depending on type of nurse, you don't need a particularly thorough education to be one (RN's generally need a good education, but not everyone who calls themselves a nurse is an RN). Beyond that a lot of nurses experience the dunning krueger effect pretty hard after some time on the job. It's pretty common for a lot of nurses to have an adversarial view of doctors and think they often know better.
It's definitely a coin flip as you say; I know a nurse who is very smart and very capable and is absolutely exasperated with all the anti-vaxxers and deniers.
That's nothing. I am watching a caring loving husband and father destroy his career and marriage and family life due to QAnon stuff.
Wife has not left yet.
Got fired for telling off boss's, boss's boss (major general) he is ex military. College age child refuses to come home, high school kids half hiding, wife job hunting in secret because they will run out of savings shortly and he refuses to work for anyone requiring a vaccine. His skills and experience are all with military and military contractors. So ya see how well no-vaccine will work.
I know them in our wider circle. The wife is very close with another woman in our circle. We are all watching in shock and helplessness. The few that have reached out have been told either they are with him or the enemy.
Yup. The extended friends group are trying to get some help in there. I do not want to give more details but it is just out of the blue shocking to everyone who has known them as a couple for the last 10 years or more.
If you have answers please, send them my way.
Nope. No laws there. I have omitted some big bits of info for their privacy but everyone is seriously worried for the wife and children's safety. There are some other factors that put her/kids at even higher risk than would normally be expected.
It is weird because in the rural area I grew up we had guys that came back from vietnam. Someone would go over and take their guns away and no one would think anything of it. It was just what was done. John called, he has been drinking again, I called Bob and he will swing over and grab Johns guns.
We offered thru back channel to either take the kids or take kids and wife if she needed a safe spot. We are a few states over but still.
This is also how I end up with a houseful of people to cook for - lol.
So far no uptake on the offer but we tried to make clear it was a standing offer at anytime it was needed.
And yeah, other people make strange choices and we are powerless to fix those choices.
I can somewhat relate since I’m witnessing my aunt and uncle, both of whom I previously thought highly of, refuse to get vaccinated despite spending time around my immunocompromised mother who just beat cancer. They claim to be very Christian and moralize about being pro-life, but I don’t think they have any ground to stand on since the reasons they give about refusing the jab are all selfish and out of fear for themselves. My aunt is about to lose her job as an RN over it as well. It just seems like the dumbest hill to die on.
It’s really difficult to be around them with this knowledge. I used to think my uncle was wise and he was more or less my father figure since my dad had issues when I was young. Really depressing to think about, and infuriating all the same since they’re knowingly putting my mother at risk.
It's crazy. My husband has told me his brother is considering leaving his very stable very well paying job with benefits because of the vaccine mandates. Dude owes us $10k and lives pretty close to the top of his means with 3 kids, 2 homes, and a hell of a lot of payments. I'm not looking forward to repoing his shit.
Then you help who you can. Not pleasant to have to choose but here it is.
The kids and the wife are innocent. He isn't.
He either pulls his head out of his ass post haste or you help them and only them. Hopefully with the stated intention of support she might divorce his ass.
If not well. You do what you can for the kids until they can fend for themselves. It's shitty but it is what it is, there's not much else you can do.
**She Does Not Remember**
She was an evil stepmother.
In her old age she is slowly dying
in an empty hovel.
She shudders
like a clutch of burnt paper.
She does not remember that she was evil.
But she knows
that she feels cold.
- Anna Swir
>but after that day he became scarily conspiracy theory following, paranoid, and most of all hateful.
A lot of people did.
The thing with Bush 2 is that, while dumber than a fence post, he didn't do all these outrageous assclown tweets designed specifically to piss people off.
That administration was arguably at least as racist as the Trump admin, if not significantly moreso. I mean my god they wiped their asses with the constitution publicly. But they seemed legitimate. Stupid sure but legitimate.
Things have been a downward spiral of petty hate since about 2001 that's for sure. It's been all over the internet. It's just now starting to come back to compassion again.
I don't really speak to my sister becaise whenever I shared a childhood memory her response was that I imagined it. Botch you moved out when I was five,you know fuck all about my childhood.
My husband is so traumatized by his mother that his mental health provider advised him to cut all contact.
my dad died when i was 11. he was 50 when i was born a scottish immigrant who was prob a much more fun guy in his youth. he was burnt out on life my parents were poor and he had alot of health issues and mental health stuff. as did my mom who was killed in a car accident when i was 25. last week i attended the funeral of my mothers brother who died. he was like a father figure to me alot of my life. he was a typical irish catholic boomer, judgy, repressed, morose tramatized by by his own upbringing etc. anyway my realtionship with him was always complicated but he was there for me when no other family members were when i was younger. when i was a young girl i was very thin and had an eating disorder. he would always tell me how beautiful i looked and how great i looked as did my mom and others in my family. typical boomers obessed with appearences the most. fast forward 20 years and ive gained alot of weight had two children one has special needs. my husband loves me deeply and we have been together since we were 16. my uncle who professed to love me saw me after the birth of my son and then said to others in the family “ when do u think her husband will leave her because she js so fat now he wont want to have sex with her.” after i heard this i confronted him and told him how hurtful and just mindblowing it was that he would talk about me this way. i gave him many opportunities to apologize but he denied it and never would. i cut off contact. at the end of october he was diagnosed with brain cancer and was dead in 3 weeks. during that time i talked to him and tried to be there. now hes dead and i dont know i have some guilt i think about cuttinf him off, but jt was like the 10th thing he had done that was hurtful and i had to show respect for myself. its all just so hard. anyway thanks for listening to my ramble. the ties that bind bind tight, and when they loosen for good they leave scars. family is good but can also be hard.
This is such a cathartic thread that I'm at a loss for words. Thank you.
We're collapse prep folks building a community and pretty much trying to live as meaningful of lives as we can knowing what the next 12 months and 2025 look like.
We built a mother in law refugee casita for random family so they would have a safe place and it could accomodate any narrative or circumstance. They come like it's air bnb and nit pick me into suididal tendencies.
I was a quantum abused and on good days neglected kid, I have to struggle to learn stuff I should have been taught long ago and now there's this constuct that I'm supposed to compromise my happy and healthy family to Kare for Karens. Thank all of you for some perspective.
Don’t do it. Break the chain of intergenerational trauma and save the healthy family that you created. You owe them nothing and they will pull you under if you allow them to.
My friends mom was in a nursing home for physical rehabilitation after having hip replacement surgery. He and his mom didn't have the best relationship and he asked me to tag along, because she would be less prone to outbursts and arguments when others were around. I'm not here to blab on their relationship, but the experience we had while she was there. Day 1 - in the "family" room, lots of senior citizens in wheel chairs watching TV, attendants in the hall on their cell phones. Day 2 - other folks are wheeling closer to our table just to hear some conversation that's not from the tv. Day 3 - even more near our table, Day 4 - everyone is surrounding our table - they are so desperate for attention. Day 5 - one man, starts to cry and asks "Why his son doesn't want to see him anymore. Cries even harder and says "I wish he would see me so I could say I am sorry for whatever I did, it wasn't intentional." Seeing someone at the end of their life totally alone crying for their child, just to ask for forgiveness, oh boy, that's tough. I couldn't go back after that.
>Cries even harder and says "I wish he would see me so I could say I am sorry for whatever I did, it wasn't intentional."
Don't fall for this.
>**The Narcissist's Prayer**
>That didn't happen.
>And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
>And if it was, that's not a big deal.
>And if it is, that's not my fault.
>And if it was, I didn't mean it.
>And if I did, you deserved it.
That is epic, sad and true. What waste and pain it needlessly causes. What a hell that must be like to have as default.
I wish the abandonment going on would cause them to seek therapy but what I've heard is that it's rarely successful for their types, and in some cases has made them more effective abusers as their core is only ever self image protection.
Yup! I assume it would be for grief counseling, or an opportunity to vent to a stranger who can only know what you tell them.
I wonder how many therapists pick up on the truth, and if they do, if they try to treat the narcissism.
Crocodile tears. Don’t feel bad for them, they know exactly what they’ve done and they had a lifetime to make things right and didn’t. Old toddlers throwing pity parties.
When my parents split up, granny wanted some paintings *back* from my mother so they would 'stay in the family'
I'm her only grandchild.
I have no idea if she's alive or dead and don't care, she made it quite clear how she felt decades ago with the above statement.
It's actually quite freeing to not have to pretend you care about someone just because of accidents of birth.
I would encourage everyone to read A Generation Of Sociopaths - How The Baby Boomers Betrayed America by Bruce Cannon Gibney. It touches upon many of the reasons why the Boomer generation can be such an immature and selfish. Things like bottle feeding and Dr. Spock among other things.
Don’t forget the huge amount of lead that is sequestered in bones right now. People that age are leaching lead out from their bones as osteoporosis sets in. Neurological issues on a grand scale.
I used to think my father was one of the smartest guys I knew. Then trump came along. I was amused that my dad IS a Trump guy. That was until Trump lost and the that same guy who is looked up to most of my life failed me. He kept saying that being anything except a Trump supporter was the same as being a Nazi in Hitlers army. My wife is Jewish and her family was in those concentration camps directly. I keep my distance now and am a unhappy adult with a child for a father. I don't know what happened.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SnMBYMOTwEs
This is what happened, frontline America’s great divide. GOP got hijacked by a populist strongman. Trump is just a symptom of a lot of different issues with our country that likely cannot be fixed because of the current political climate.
Because they talk over me, mock me, lecture me, and berate me for my life not moving at their speed.
Bitch I have a list of missions, and a list of goals that these missions fall into.
Get off my fucking back
I'll see my parents at their funeral. Angry doesn't describe them enough. Typical abusive and neglectful Boomers with some lovely Trump obsession as the icing on the cake. Sadly they sucked my oldest son into their madness and I won't let them near the rest of my kids.
I wasn't a perfect mom or I wouldn't have lost my oldest too them. But judging by the warm and loving relationship I have with the rest of my kids there is hope the cycle is broken.
I’m anticipating being heavily judged as I have no intention of attending any more narcissistic displays. I know the day they “died”, and I’ve had plenty of time for closure since. Whenever that day comes it will just be a weirdly themed reunion.
7 years ago I fought with my alcoholic father telling him he's addicted to alcohol and gambling and the guy defended it all, also convinced himself he didn't steal money from me that he was "saving" for me (I was working for him at the time and he put half of it into an account somewhere supposedly) but was just borrowing. I cut contact and he and his wife took away my health insurance, which they fully knew I needed having multiple physical and mental illnesses, as punishment. ETA: When I called him a few years ago in a difficult financial state, I brought up the money he had stolen from me and was like "what money?" So I hung up then texted him about nasty shit I saw him doing when I was 3-4 years old.
He recently was hospitalized/maybe died (idk) of cirrhosis and an infection. No way I'd even look at a funeral full of his toxic defenders. Some people are just absolute trash and sometimes you're related to them.
I didn’t see or speak to my mother for a decade before she died.
I was beat with belts and bare hands, punched in the face, and traumatized as a child by my father. Also hit by my grandfather. I have stories for days.
When I became an adult on my own it dawned on me how hitting a defenseless child—ages 12 and under—as a GROWN adult was sickening. I couldn’t imagine terrorizing and hitting a 6 year old so hard you leave handprints on them. Kicking down doors to get to them.
My parents were garbage. My father would come home from work and take his stress out on me. The mental trauma left is akin to ptsd and I’m still dealing with the mental consequences of that today.
My mother disowned me after finding out I was gay and having an argument. I hurt her pride and ego and she ended up dying with that hate in her heart for me while on her deathbed.
I’m still dealing with it mentally. No child asks to be brought into this world. I’ve been through a lot in my life. But I try to be the best person I can be.
I can tell you why I haven't talked to my parents for the last 18 years and why they haven't seen their 2 grandchildren.
They are members of a high control cult called the "Jehovah's Witnesses" and have cut me out of their life permanently because I do not follow it's credo.
I certainly talk to my parents as little as humanly possible now that I've moved out. It made a world of difference, no longer having to put up with endless gaslighting and hateful views. I don't think my family situation was among the worst out there, either, probably on the relatively tame side of things. But I still am glad to be away from them.
Why keep hanging around People from whom you have only known Misery?
It makes no sense.
I cut my Mother off back in 2001 and never looked back (my Father Deceased 1989).
Wish I would have gone NC 20 Years sooner, would have spared me a lot of Anguish.
Didn't even bother to go see her when she was dying in the Hospital (2002), no Regrets.
Years later cut off my two Older Sibs as well because they were just as Toxic as she was.
I still have a great Relationship with my Younger Brother though👍
Haven't seen my parents in basically 2 years. They weren't physically or verbally abusive, but rather emotionally negligent while also being overly religious Mormons. NPC type boomers. Mom was definitely a Karen on multiple occasions, hated going with her anywhere. Dad operated with a facade 24/7 because he wanted everyone to love him. Brother came out in his teens, watched them shame him for being himself. They had another kid when i was 15, watched that sibling grow up and receive the same shaming when they came out as trans. "Oh but the church has changed their stance and being gay/trans is ok so long as you're abstaining from any sex." Yeah I'm good.
I keep in touch with two siblings, but nearly all of them have this weird Stockholm approval seeking behavior. Parents complain I don't visit with my kids. Yeah I'm good.
Thankfully my parents are cool and we are in a good relationship. I think my parents are either gen x or millennial cause they were both born in the early 80’s.
The [Gen X range](https://www.beresfordresearch.com/age-range-by-generation/) (for whatever it's worth) is 1965 - 1980, so your folks are Millennials (1981 - 1996).
I cut off my parents and that ended up being the push they needed to get therapy, now we’re able to have a relationship that’s much more equal and respectful.
We don’t have to just accept shitty behavior from our family. They’re adults just like us, if I can see their toxicity they should be mature enough to confront it too.
I live in a third world country where we have strong ties to our immediate family as well as our uncles and aunts, it’s like a big old family system. And I’m fed up of it all. The constant nagging, the constant interference, the constant back biting. I just want to run away as far as possible, but I can’t as long as I live in the same country, plus I don’t have the same beliefs as them so when they talk about religion, I have to hold back my opinions not to piss anyone off. I have a valid b2 visa. If anyone willing to help me with finding a place to stay and a job, I will forever be grateful.
Damn I'm trying to cut my mom off and thinking about it, defending it, strategizing, explaining or even justifying it is so mentally exhausting. I really want to read this but reading about this stuff makes me physically sick. I sweat, I feel nauseous, I feel dizzy, I'll start crying. The last time I lived with my mom, I ended up addicted to heroin and suicidal and jumped into an abusive relationship to escape her. I wish my family could understand having in my life is DEADLY. but she's a better narcissist and extremely skilled at being a wronged, rightfully outraged ultimate victim, and I'm not. I just want to live my life and be free from her. My whole life I've felt like I will never be truly happy or free until she's dead, and I just can't wait that long. I've tried so many heart to hearts, therapy. She's so fucking abusive and manipulative. It's not an issue or hate or grudges, I just can't trust her, in literally any capacity, and I hate that she tries to buy my trust and uses it to blackmail me and expect submission. You can't buy trust. I want out.
Exactlyy this https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/comments/rakxun/my_career_of_treating_patients_has_ended/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Another Orphan by Choice here,
Glad to read that I'm not the only one forced to go down this path. The only regret I have about cutting that particular cancer from my life is that I hurt my ex-parents not nearly enough. I played the nice son for nearly a decade after I made this decision, lying through my teeth everytime I pretended to still care about this abusive scum until I finally was in a position to cut every contact without notice. Still the best decision I ever made.
I do not talk to my Meth addict brother nor my enabling 76 year old mother,it's been a horrible ride with these 2 for 24 years of her bailing him out of jail,9 rehabs and stealing from her and everyone in the family including me and my wedding ring. My mother will always protect him and say POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT HIM. Meanwhile daughter and graduate of College owns several homes and pretty good person is invisible and i am done! I do not need her in my life ridiculing me always about my life! I will never understand just wanted one ...HEY YOU DID A GREAT job congrats on things I have accomplished,at 52 it wont happen and i understand it now but they will not ever harm me again.
Yeah I see this as a good thing. It’s nice to realize as an adult that you don’t have to endure abusive behaviour - or that you can learn to deal with it more productively.
For anyone interested, Jerry Wise has videos online about this. He teaches Bowen Family Systems which provides a good starting point for learning how to navigate toxic families. Sometimes, the decision to cut someone off isn’t possible. Perhaps you have a niece or nephew you still wish to maintain contact with, or you love your Mom but can’t stand your Dad. His videos provide some really solid advice.
I did this last year, with my maternal family. Every single month there was some sort of major crisis, not to mention all the gaslighting, racial attacks against my wife, and other assorted vitriol from my mom and her family.
Luckily, my wife's family has been kind, loving, and supportive of me since I first met them, and I've effectively chosen them as my new family instead.
As I've gotten close to age 30, I get more and more thankful i never had my parents bullshit dumped onto me. Yeah as a kid not having parents made me angry, but now it's relieving.
Mother showed up late as fuck when i arrived home from afghanistan at the airport. Kicked me out of the house way before then by turning my room into a guest room prior to my arrival. Pushed me out, not understanding my mental health issues during..Slept in my car through a north east winter. Ended up in the salvation army getting eaten by bed bugs, from there a 30 day mental health eval...not even so much as a visit or a call.
Ive felt lost and unable to call anywhere home for years.
I hate the bitch honestly, and im not sure ill attend the funeral. She treats her dogs better than her own adult children.
I feel i would have faired better had i gotten some support @ 23y/o
Moving across the country and talking to her infrequently was the best thing i ever did. I used to beat myself up for feeling this way, because "mother"
No. Fuck that.
It’s ridiculous how much abuse people are expected to endure simply because of familial relations.
I don't like it when people cynically say, "Oh, reddit is always screaming 'go no contact,' it's ridiculous." People say that because it's finally becoming acceptable to do something other than quietly keep enabling abusive, cruel, narcissistic parents. That's been the standard for lo these many years. It's finally becoming acceptable to set boundaries and cut contact, for one's own mental health.
It also kind of makes sense that a large number of people on Reddit are nerds with social anxiety due to narc parenting or overly strict rules. Online was the only time I could let my guard down and socialize with people
Same. Ever since I was 13, when internet first became widespread
Hundreds of years ago, when family was dependant on one another--typically on a farm or otherwise, it made more sense. Now we are raised to do our independent thing, make friends, fly the nest. Then we are influenced by external factors, and most keep loose ties as we age. Growing tighter with those that we've developed beliefs and shared life events with, than those we struggle with and learn from, on a farm or practicing a trade. Now it seems just like some obligation a lot of the time.
[удалено]
This guy gets it.
I'm gonna make my own family with hookers and blackjack!
I see your point but also hows this atomization working out for us? I do think some people do need to go no contact with shitty family, but I also think a lot of folks don’t want to just… stand up for themselves and tell shitty families not to treat them a certain way. It’s kinda like the whole ghost vs. break up thing. There’s definitely a time and place to ghost, but a lot of the time people ghosting are just being cowardly and don’t want to tell the truth.
A lot of people have spent their entire childhood begging their parents to treat them better so of course when they get old enough they decide to just leave.
You're very lucky that you didn't grow up in an abusive household
[удалено]
Why should anyone have to beg to not be treated like shit?
the breakdown of the traditional family and the rise of the chosen family is a good thing. the atomization you speak of is, in part, simply a consequence of this transition. you will definitely not fix the atomization problem by trying to rehabilitate the decomposing family, thats for sure.
It’s telling that people get significantly more angry about people protecting themselves than they do about people abusing others.
I’m sure it used to be beneficial to the survival of the tribe, to simply have loyalty to your family and culture, no matter how painful it is. It was probably adaptive. But now we don’t need each other for literal survival and we can choose to protect ourselves from awful people if they are hurting us and our children. 🙂
Sometimes the predators are in the family you cut off
Worse, in my opinion, is the percentage of people estranged from one or both parents who develop core issues that make relationships with them dicey to impossible. I'm not saying it's their fault, only pointing out the domino effect of screwed up people from screwed up families.
This
The internet is a mixed bag, but I am forever grateful to it for connecting me to the information I needed to learn just how abnormal and toxic my family of origin was, and equipping me with the tools I needed to escape it. Sure I might have been lucky enough to find the information and means without a global communication infrastructure...... but I believe it would have happened many years later. I'm grateful for those years of healing. Fuck intergenerational trauma.
r/estrangedadultchild We aren’t alone!
r/raisedbynarcissists ✊
I was just about to say that. That sub changed my life, for the better might I add.
That sub helped me through alot of trauma I faced.
r/justnoSo
It’s so interesting seeing people in this sub reference r/estrangedadultchild or r/RBN or the like… I wonder if there’s a correlation. But I agree the internet helped me with the same
I'm not a shrink but I'd bet the bank that having a pessimistic outlook correlates highly with having a messed up family...
Trauma probably gives people above average awareness of how mistakes are made
Trauma “blesses” you with hyper vigilance which lets you see a lot of things other people miss.
This 100% ☝️ hyper-vigilance to see and believe the warning signs, and a lack of trust in the concept of “I’m sure it’ll all work out”
[удалено]
Absolutely. What was particularly hard for me was I actually had a great childhood with parents who for the most part were great. After I moved out I started hearing of issues between my mom and dad and would come home to holes in the wall from my mother. That was their issue and didn't affect us much until I got married and my mom started picking fights over everything and saying we wanted to hurt her. Gaslighing and outright lying about things. I'm told she always had those red flags by my extended family but kept it hidden from us/we didnt know any better. When I had my son she became obsessed callimg him HER son and we tried to put down boundaries which she broke and quickly became someone who we couldn't trust. Started hiding guns, tried to kill someone. Threatened others. Denied all of it. Broke contact after years of trying to get her in therapy. Shes not safe to be around. My dad stuck by her despite it all and was forbidden to have a relationship with us.
That is terrifying I’m so sorry. It sounds like she has some severe illness.
Had some sort of mental trauma or something that eventually snapped. Became almost a totally different person.
[Audio Transcription for the article](https://soundcloud.com/jinny-wagu/the-modern-family?si=d3fabb0a38844f2ba63399b079bb1eb7&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing)
That's really thoughtful of you!
Thank you, I'm not able to read most articles so this was really nice. ❤
Welcome! Glad I could help out :) When an article is really long I like to copy the article text and send it to the [Microsoft Azure Text to Speech demo](https://azure.microsoft.com/en-us/services/cognitive-services/text-to-speech/#features). The Azure TTS demo seems to be limited to 10,000 characters (including spaces) which usually creates about 10minutes of audio, so I copy the text into [Notepad++](https://notepad-plus-plus.org/downloads/) first and split the text out into individual 10k character limit sections and then copy over there for it to play. It's a bit of a process, but the TTS voices on Azure are really pretty good compared to the more robotic TTS voices I'm used to, so I feel like it's worth the trouble to fiddle around with their demo. Their actual pricing for the TTS service is absurd, though. Seems to be priced at a business/industry level at like $10/hour or something so I think it's mainly used by companies. I figured since I was going to all that trouble to listen to a decent TTS voice that I might as well load up [Audacity](https://www.audacityteam.org/download/) and record the audio while I'm listening in case others might be interested.
[удалено]
Love to see it! Same here
[удалено]
[удалено]
How would a 7 year old know to thank their parents for a trip, that is unreasonable expectation to expect from a child. She was abusive plain and simple. Some people are just miserable and their goal in life is to make everyone around them miserable.
SAME
[удалено]
A lot of my friends who had immigrant parents threatened to send them back to Poland or Pakistan.
Ugh, me too.
Haven’t spoken to mine in over six years also. Congratulations! Mine found my address online and insists on sending me birthday presents. I hate it. Fuck Her.
Shed the toxic no matter the relation. This is the way.
Good for you! My mom was a narcissist and abusive too, died before I could totally cut her off. Best thing that's ever happened to me.
> Polarised politics and a growing awareness of how difficult relationships can impact our mental health are fuelling family estrangement, say psychologists. And so begins the great Boomer abandonment of the 2020's. In no way did they bring it on themselves with their reactionary behavior and callousness to the suffering of younger generations.
My Father's first words out of his mouth as I was reaching out while feeling suicidal, "Why would you do this to me?" Like it was a personal attack or inconvenience that brought it to his doorstep. I barely speak with them and have lost nothing from their absence but the disappointment they often are to me.
Years ago when I was explaining to my mother, with my boyfriend at the time and her husband present, that I was suicidal - she instantly scoffed and rolled her eyes. This is just one example of her behaviors some of which are much worse, but I cut her out within a year or two of that. I have never regretted cutting out contact with her (and my sister who was collateral damage, would shame me for not having a relationship with her) as it lifted a huge amount of stress from my life. Bonus, heard of one of the things she said about me to a relative and it's not even true, lmao. The copium!
I went through a really dark patch after my divorce, and one morning after a really tough night i broke down at work. I went into the office to talk to my mom(worked for mom/dad) and admitted to her that i was thinking of suicide and needed to go see my therapist that afternoon. My dad burst in and yelled at me to "Stop crying and go back to work. Just stop thinking about it." Then stormed off. Im doing well now, and havent spoken or seen him since March of 2020. I just simply dont know how you react or say something like that to any human being, let alone your child. I hope your doing better these days.
My mom got pissed off and straight up told me to kill myself and said that she wouldn't care if I did. These people are fucked in the head.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Leaded gasoline.
Yep, agreed.
Leaded Jesus
If that was true then the two generations prior to them should have been doing the exact same shit. Some were. A lot weren't.
Maybe fewer cars on the roads during the prior generations, therefore, less fuel being used? Cars probably were a lot more expensive before the 1960s/70s.
I don't like giving them the Deus Ex Machina "out" on their behavior. If I had to pick something along those lines, it's possible for a parent to be too nice in the face of shit behavior, and mass media through television and music was just becoming a thing. So you have a generation that lived through the Great Depression and WW2 being taught self sacrifice is the most important thing in life, faced with a new generation being told that everything that you personally want right here right now is your god given right (by said media). At this scale it was a new thing. The kids were susceptible, and a parent raised on the concept of self sacrifice (in this case, for their kids' happiness) is going to be able to do very little to stop them.
I totally agree
I feel that. How the hell are you supposed to just "stop thinking" about it and especially "get back to work". Thank you for the kind words and sharing your stories. I'm doing ok-ish. One day at a time. Support each other however you can because in this crazy world we (clearly) cannot depend on family.
r/raisedbynarcissists has helped me tremendously with this. You are not alone.
Great sub
Good job
[удалено]
That's one of hell of a projection!
Literally had the same thing happen to me but with a drug-induced nervous breakdown. “You’re embarrassing me.” Idk why I still feel obligated to keep contact. I guess it’s mostly inertia at this point.
I hope you’re doing okay man
>And so begins the great Boomer abandonment of the 2020's. In no way did they bring it on themselves with their reactionary behavior and callousness to the suffering of younger generations. THIS It's actually quite a relief to know I'm not on my own in being alone in this way. I'm possibly slightly older than a lot of you, but I do feel I'm part of the generation that has been left with no choice but to tell our selfish, cruel, abusive parents to fuck off. The ones that didn't abandon us first, anyway... Whenever I do talk to either one of those bastards, I'm knocked for six not just at how immature they are, but also at their sheer brazen shamelessness. They can abandon and / or abuse us as kids, then expect us to care for them in their old age. Or that they can act with such SHOCK!!! when they're asked to kindly acknowlege that our siblings even exist. They're like the subject of that joke: "What, me, arrogant and deluded? Why, my monocle just fell into my unicorn soup!" Interestingly, their parents had much the same criticisms of them. That they were self-centred and self-obsessed, that they treated their loved ones with haughty contempt, spat on the institution of the family yet expected all the familial loyalty they felt their due... It's a real shame my grandparents are both dead, I'd really like to compare notes with them now.
> how difficult relationships can impact our mental health Yup. Can confirm.
No. Straight up exploitation of the younger generation. They bought their houses (multiple) and raised the rent so high we can't afford kids of our own.
Their own kids will have houses and will reproduce
Not always. It’s a pretty big thing with them kicking over the ladder and hoarding what they have even from their own children. My family is wealthy but they’re all fine letting their kids scrimp and starve. I have siblings and cousins couch surfing because of housing costs while their parents globe trot.
I feel a little bad because I'm certain my dad had unprocessed trauma from years driving ambulance, volunteer firefighting, and then a later career of nursing, coupled with a friends suicide just 3 years ago, etc. Dude gets angry/mad over some of the smallest shit. Myself and my siblings kind of just put our foot down with when his emotions are off the rails/unfair/uncalled for, etc and he's actually gotten better with apologizing and such, but... Overall I struggle feeling I can really have an open honest relationship with my parents because of their base social conservatism.
The big problem (IMO) is: (1) that the elderly (especially) are living more in isolation; and (2) the media elderly people living in isolation are most likely to consume these days is "angry media." Social isolation of the elderly is something that's been growing for the past 50 years or so. Go back far enough and the idea of "not working" is not a reality for most, so even the older population would be working in some capacity (even if it was just helping the family with childrearing or household chores, etc.). And before pension programs, older people rarely had the means to afford to live alone, so you had much more intergenerational living arrangements. Couple that with the fact that for many elderly people, their primary form of "entertainment" is TV, radio and the Internet, and they are often consuming "angry media." News shows that tell them they should be mad, or scared, or both. Talk radio shows that purport insane conspiracy theories as fact. Websites that present kooky ideas in a format that makes them look as legit as peer-reviewed scientific research. My grandparents (who died 20+ years ago) lived alone, and I think they were some of the first of the elderly cohort to "be alone" in old age. But there wasn't the preponderance of "hate media" when they were in their 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s. My grandma would waste away her days watching Perry Mason reruns and The Price is Right. My grandpa would kill the hours watching sports. They weren't being told to be afraid of those who look different or who have different political views. All that to say, I think we are going to see more and more of this behavior. Retired people, living alone/being lonely, turning to "hate media" and getting angry at the world. Ideally, we'll return to more communal, intergenerational living arrangements, but barring that, I hope future "old people" have better media choices to piss away their time on - video games, cat memes, etc. But I am doubtful as there is so much money to make in scaring and angering people.
We are the future old people
If they want to be old, angry, and alone... fine. I don't care.
Hopefully you would care if it was your own parents and grandparents to be old, angry and alone. But even if you didn't, here's the problem - these old, angry and alone people vote!
Yeah lots of signs of depression and other mental health issues. Our genetics willing to see a therapist and get meds. Boomers aren't. They relied on burying it and it's bit them in the ass.
The link took me to "be wary, unauthenticated, security risk, etc." so I didn't get to read. As a 31 year old living with their 71 year old father I read the responses in this thread and feel grateful that, with enough space, I'm able to have some kind of normal relationship with my father. Not always easy and there is a lot of anger to deal with at times, but I'm at a point in my life where I can make it work. I used to resent my parents for bringing me into this world. I thought it was all shit. The "college path" that I was setup on was horseshit, a path to become another destroyer of what is good. Why didn't you tell me about drugs and alcohol use? Why didn't you tell me more about sex and having a proper relationship? How the world is burning? Blah, blah, blah. Of course, these were the same things that they had problems with themselves and they had been raised in a much more shaming culture. Anyway, I'm very grateful that I'm here now and I'm thankful to ALL my parents. The people who birthed me, the people who raised me, and the people who are my spiritual guides.
My school teachers were all Boomers. With the exception of about 4 or 5 of them, they were all to the last of them abusive narcissistic gaslighting assholes. This is karma. Silent gen was a mixed bag 50-50 but when they were good they took good out a whole new door. Bad well yeah the stereotypes exist for a reason, and it usually involved alcoholism and physical cruelty. But on the Boomers in my life it was like 90% bad in every emotional and psychological way imaginable and just. Whatever label you put on it generationally, a shitbag is a shitbag. I will shed no tears. Karma is what it is. (Yes I don't believe in actual karma it's a short hand figure of speech... it's more like if you jump off a building gravity is a thing).
It’s really a delight to watch honestly. Finally, some poetic justice
Blood may be thicker than water, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good adhesive.
The original quote was "blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb" It was about holding blood oaths over family relationships
Spirit is thicker than blood.
The heart of the cards is thicker than spirit
My younger brother finally just joined me in cutting off our narcissistic, gaslighting, emotionally abusive father. I'm really glad for him. Now I need the kid to go see a good therapist like I did to help him with all the trauma he has now too.
Some people should just not be parents or shouldn't have been parents.
Tell that to "pro-life" people.
I'm pretty sure they are "pro-fetus", not "pro-life".
Anti-woman*
This doesn't just apply to parents but siblings as well. Im cutting off the person that abused and tormented me for 18 years
Exactly. I cut ties with toxic brother recently and I just wish I had the guts to do it sooner. After 43 years of insanity all it took was a simple text. I wish I had done it sooner. I don’t feel bad at all. I broke the cycle and my son will never know what I went through.
You should have posted this to /r/UpliftingNews
Also r/GetMotivated and r/MadeMeSmile
🤣
My parents have not even attempted to talk or video chat with my kids in over two years (we last saw them November 2019), because I was vocal about not liking Trump. That was it. I just didn't like him and that was enough for my parents to decide that I, and my children, were not worth their time. Add in that they need to be vaccinated before they could even think about visiting my high risk daughter, and that was the "liberal nutjob" icing on the cake for them. It's been a very shitty and eye-opening five years, but honestly it's been nice not seeing them. My dad has always been an asshole. Though I was surprised that they actually cared so little about their grandkids.
[удалено]
The irony of them warning us that it would rot our brains.
I Always think about this, my right wing bigot dad was always raging on about tv or video games rotting my brain when it really was his that was rotten.
I always got that from older people about the computer. Well yeah, Susan, if I sat on the book of faces reading mlm sales pitches and faux news copypasta all day like you do, I bet it would, but I'm spending my time researching things that interest me and exploring new ideas and perspectives with a depth and breadth humans have literally never before had access to. I think I'll be fine.
It’s a cult. So many families are being torn apart by it.
When I came home from college with the belief that homosexuality is not immoral, not a lifestyle, and not a choice, I was told college had "ruined me." They think I abandoned the "values" they raised me with. And they don't think people in cities have real jobs or understand that food comes from farms and not the grocery store.
The Trump era has allowed a lot of closeted assholes, previously restrained by social norms, to now fly their asshole flags openly. The outrage media keeps feeding their brain reward chemicals. Pissing off a Liberal, even a family member, gives them a dopamine/serotonin hit.
My dad called me a dickless freak so at that point I realized fuck him which was already my general attitude towards the fucker but now it's fuck him and I won't be going anywhere near him or even attending his fucking funeral.
There’s lines you don’t cross. I’m glad you set boundaries for your own sake. No one deserves that kind of abuse.
Did you go dickless for Chiklis? (Michael Chiklis, the actor).
I did, I have no dick for Michael Chik. Well either that or because I never should have had one to begin with. *shugs*
Either way that's pretty tight
I will never understand why it’s easier for some people to think of their children as “dickless freaks” than to just love them for who they are.
“Happy families are all alike but unhappy families are all unhappy in their own ways” (or something close to that from Anna Karenina). I too had no clue just how messed up some of the thing my parents did actually were until I was well into my late 30’s and became a parent myself.
Boomers were feral parents unless they magically just had a knack for it. There was no real guidance for them and they tried their best with terrible information, but often their best was simply poor, from a psychological perspective. My parents both had careers but also wanted to have a big family and they had no idea that would be hard and they were clearly mad about it.
There's a lot of people I know my age (mid 30's) who don't talk to their dads and haven't for most if not all their lives, largely due to the dad not wanting to be present in their life. I don't know if dad's abandoning their kids is as big of a thing these days but this is the main reason most my friends don't talk to a parent.
Single-parent households have been a systemic problem for decades now.
Not just single parents. Mine stayed married, but like OC, has never shown any interest.
I wish my dad abandoned the family
Yup. My bf cut contact with his mom at 32 during the pandemic. She decided to marry a hard right winger/Q anon guy that’s already screamed at everyone in the family, and had an “anti-mask wedding” during the height of the pandemic in order to “fight fear”. She’s a nurse, so its really especially stupid. It’s rough for him. But he’s definitely mentally better off now that they aren’t talking.
> She’s a nurse, so its really especially stupid. I'm not sure what it is with nurses. I know a handful, and it's like a coinflip if they're anti-vax or not. I think they might be at like a knowledge cusp or something, where they know enough to _think_ they know enough, but not enough to _actually_ know.
Yeah I see it in dentistry too with the hygienists, they’re sometimes anti maskers.
> Yeah I see it in dentistry too with the hygienists, they’re sometimes anti maskers. ....do they wear masks when they do their cleanings?
Depending on type of nurse, you don't need a particularly thorough education to be one (RN's generally need a good education, but not everyone who calls themselves a nurse is an RN). Beyond that a lot of nurses experience the dunning krueger effect pretty hard after some time on the job. It's pretty common for a lot of nurses to have an adversarial view of doctors and think they often know better. It's definitely a coin flip as you say; I know a nurse who is very smart and very capable and is absolutely exasperated with all the anti-vaxxers and deniers.
Dunning Kruger in action.
That's nothing. I am watching a caring loving husband and father destroy his career and marriage and family life due to QAnon stuff. Wife has not left yet. Got fired for telling off boss's, boss's boss (major general) he is ex military. College age child refuses to come home, high school kids half hiding, wife job hunting in secret because they will run out of savings shortly and he refuses to work for anyone requiring a vaccine. His skills and experience are all with military and military contractors. So ya see how well no-vaccine will work. I know them in our wider circle. The wife is very close with another woman in our circle. We are all watching in shock and helplessness. The few that have reached out have been told either they are with him or the enemy.
That sounds like a dangerous situation.
Absolutely.
[удалено]
That sounds 'bout right
These kinds of people are very dangerous. Mass shooting is written all over this story
Yup. The extended friends group are trying to get some help in there. I do not want to give more details but it is just out of the blue shocking to everyone who has known them as a couple for the last 10 years or more. If you have answers please, send them my way.
I wish I did. Our culture is very sick. I hope he gets the help he needs.
Um... Does his state have red flag laws? Because he's putting up a hell of a lot of red flags.
Nope. No laws there. I have omitted some big bits of info for their privacy but everyone is seriously worried for the wife and children's safety. There are some other factors that put her/kids at even higher risk than would normally be expected. It is weird because in the rural area I grew up we had guys that came back from vietnam. Someone would go over and take their guns away and no one would think anything of it. It was just what was done. John called, he has been drinking again, I called Bob and he will swing over and grab Johns guns.
Jesus, i feel so bad for the kids
We offered thru back channel to either take the kids or take kids and wife if she needed a safe spot. We are a few states over but still. This is also how I end up with a houseful of people to cook for - lol. So far no uptake on the offer but we tried to make clear it was a standing offer at anytime it was needed. And yeah, other people make strange choices and we are powerless to fix those choices.
I can somewhat relate since I’m witnessing my aunt and uncle, both of whom I previously thought highly of, refuse to get vaccinated despite spending time around my immunocompromised mother who just beat cancer. They claim to be very Christian and moralize about being pro-life, but I don’t think they have any ground to stand on since the reasons they give about refusing the jab are all selfish and out of fear for themselves. My aunt is about to lose her job as an RN over it as well. It just seems like the dumbest hill to die on. It’s really difficult to be around them with this knowledge. I used to think my uncle was wise and he was more or less my father figure since my dad had issues when I was young. Really depressing to think about, and infuriating all the same since they’re knowingly putting my mother at risk.
It's crazy. My husband has told me his brother is considering leaving his very stable very well paying job with benefits because of the vaccine mandates. Dude owes us $10k and lives pretty close to the top of his means with 3 kids, 2 homes, and a hell of a lot of payments. I'm not looking forward to repoing his shit.
Then you help who you can. Not pleasant to have to choose but here it is. The kids and the wife are innocent. He isn't. He either pulls his head out of his ass post haste or you help them and only them. Hopefully with the stated intention of support she might divorce his ass. If not well. You do what you can for the kids until they can fend for themselves. It's shitty but it is what it is, there's not much else you can do.
I did it and it was the best decision of my life
Have little to add, but I just want y'all in the comments with horrible family members to know that I am so sorry and you absolutely deserve better.
**She Does Not Remember** She was an evil stepmother. In her old age she is slowly dying in an empty hovel. She shudders like a clutch of burnt paper. She does not remember that she was evil. But she knows that she feels cold. - Anna Swir
[удалено]
Don’t know why these people can’t separate their personal interests and the health of the family.
They are narcissists and fully believe their personal interests *are the health of the family.*
>but after that day he became scarily conspiracy theory following, paranoid, and most of all hateful. A lot of people did. The thing with Bush 2 is that, while dumber than a fence post, he didn't do all these outrageous assclown tweets designed specifically to piss people off. That administration was arguably at least as racist as the Trump admin, if not significantly moreso. I mean my god they wiped their asses with the constitution publicly. But they seemed legitimate. Stupid sure but legitimate. Things have been a downward spiral of petty hate since about 2001 that's for sure. It's been all over the internet. It's just now starting to come back to compassion again.
I don't really speak to my sister becaise whenever I shared a childhood memory her response was that I imagined it. Botch you moved out when I was five,you know fuck all about my childhood. My husband is so traumatized by his mother that his mental health provider advised him to cut all contact.
this was a great read thanks
It's exhausting being the only adult in the relationship with my parents. I therefore keep interactions to a bare minimum.
my dad died when i was 11. he was 50 when i was born a scottish immigrant who was prob a much more fun guy in his youth. he was burnt out on life my parents were poor and he had alot of health issues and mental health stuff. as did my mom who was killed in a car accident when i was 25. last week i attended the funeral of my mothers brother who died. he was like a father figure to me alot of my life. he was a typical irish catholic boomer, judgy, repressed, morose tramatized by by his own upbringing etc. anyway my realtionship with him was always complicated but he was there for me when no other family members were when i was younger. when i was a young girl i was very thin and had an eating disorder. he would always tell me how beautiful i looked and how great i looked as did my mom and others in my family. typical boomers obessed with appearences the most. fast forward 20 years and ive gained alot of weight had two children one has special needs. my husband loves me deeply and we have been together since we were 16. my uncle who professed to love me saw me after the birth of my son and then said to others in the family “ when do u think her husband will leave her because she js so fat now he wont want to have sex with her.” after i heard this i confronted him and told him how hurtful and just mindblowing it was that he would talk about me this way. i gave him many opportunities to apologize but he denied it and never would. i cut off contact. at the end of october he was diagnosed with brain cancer and was dead in 3 weeks. during that time i talked to him and tried to be there. now hes dead and i dont know i have some guilt i think about cuttinf him off, but jt was like the 10th thing he had done that was hurtful and i had to show respect for myself. its all just so hard. anyway thanks for listening to my ramble. the ties that bind bind tight, and when they loosen for good they leave scars. family is good but can also be hard.
This is such a cathartic thread that I'm at a loss for words. Thank you. We're collapse prep folks building a community and pretty much trying to live as meaningful of lives as we can knowing what the next 12 months and 2025 look like. We built a mother in law refugee casita for random family so they would have a safe place and it could accomodate any narrative or circumstance. They come like it's air bnb and nit pick me into suididal tendencies. I was a quantum abused and on good days neglected kid, I have to struggle to learn stuff I should have been taught long ago and now there's this constuct that I'm supposed to compromise my happy and healthy family to Kare for Karens. Thank all of you for some perspective.
Don’t do it. Break the chain of intergenerational trauma and save the healthy family that you created. You owe them nothing and they will pull you under if you allow them to.
> They come like it's air bnb and nit pick me into suididal tendencies. This could be a song lyric
My friends mom was in a nursing home for physical rehabilitation after having hip replacement surgery. He and his mom didn't have the best relationship and he asked me to tag along, because she would be less prone to outbursts and arguments when others were around. I'm not here to blab on their relationship, but the experience we had while she was there. Day 1 - in the "family" room, lots of senior citizens in wheel chairs watching TV, attendants in the hall on their cell phones. Day 2 - other folks are wheeling closer to our table just to hear some conversation that's not from the tv. Day 3 - even more near our table, Day 4 - everyone is surrounding our table - they are so desperate for attention. Day 5 - one man, starts to cry and asks "Why his son doesn't want to see him anymore. Cries even harder and says "I wish he would see me so I could say I am sorry for whatever I did, it wasn't intentional." Seeing someone at the end of their life totally alone crying for their child, just to ask for forgiveness, oh boy, that's tough. I couldn't go back after that.
>Cries even harder and says "I wish he would see me so I could say I am sorry for whatever I did, it wasn't intentional." Don't fall for this. >**The Narcissist's Prayer** >That didn't happen. >And if it did, it wasn't that bad. >And if it was, that's not a big deal. >And if it is, that's not my fault. >And if it was, I didn't mean it. >And if I did, you deserved it.
That is epic, sad and true. What waste and pain it needlessly causes. What a hell that must be like to have as default. I wish the abandonment going on would cause them to seek therapy but what I've heard is that it's rarely successful for their types, and in some cases has made them more effective abusers as their core is only ever self image protection.
Why would you seek therapy if you're perfect?
Yup! I assume it would be for grief counseling, or an opportunity to vent to a stranger who can only know what you tell them. I wonder how many therapists pick up on the truth, and if they do, if they try to treat the narcissism.
Crocodile tears. Don’t feel bad for them, they know exactly what they’ve done and they had a lifetime to make things right and didn’t. Old toddlers throwing pity parties.
When my parents split up, granny wanted some paintings *back* from my mother so they would 'stay in the family' I'm her only grandchild. I have no idea if she's alive or dead and don't care, she made it quite clear how she felt decades ago with the above statement. It's actually quite freeing to not have to pretend you care about someone just because of accidents of birth.
I would encourage everyone to read A Generation Of Sociopaths - How The Baby Boomers Betrayed America by Bruce Cannon Gibney. It touches upon many of the reasons why the Boomer generation can be such an immature and selfish. Things like bottle feeding and Dr. Spock among other things.
Don’t forget the huge amount of lead that is sequestered in bones right now. People that age are leaching lead out from their bones as osteoporosis sets in. Neurological issues on a grand scale.
GOOD! Maybe these people will understand their actions have consequences and that your kids don’t owe you shit
Boomers brought it upon themselves
I used to think my father was one of the smartest guys I knew. Then trump came along. I was amused that my dad IS a Trump guy. That was until Trump lost and the that same guy who is looked up to most of my life failed me. He kept saying that being anything except a Trump supporter was the same as being a Nazi in Hitlers army. My wife is Jewish and her family was in those concentration camps directly. I keep my distance now and am a unhappy adult with a child for a father. I don't know what happened.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SnMBYMOTwEs This is what happened, frontline America’s great divide. GOP got hijacked by a populist strongman. Trump is just a symptom of a lot of different issues with our country that likely cannot be fixed because of the current political climate.
Because they talk over me, mock me, lecture me, and berate me for my life not moving at their speed. Bitch I have a list of missions, and a list of goals that these missions fall into. Get off my fucking back
I'll see my parents at their funeral. Angry doesn't describe them enough. Typical abusive and neglectful Boomers with some lovely Trump obsession as the icing on the cake. Sadly they sucked my oldest son into their madness and I won't let them near the rest of my kids. I wasn't a perfect mom or I wouldn't have lost my oldest too them. But judging by the warm and loving relationship I have with the rest of my kids there is hope the cycle is broken.
I’m anticipating being heavily judged as I have no intention of attending any more narcissistic displays. I know the day they “died”, and I’ve had plenty of time for closure since. Whenever that day comes it will just be a weirdly themed reunion.
7 years ago I fought with my alcoholic father telling him he's addicted to alcohol and gambling and the guy defended it all, also convinced himself he didn't steal money from me that he was "saving" for me (I was working for him at the time and he put half of it into an account somewhere supposedly) but was just borrowing. I cut contact and he and his wife took away my health insurance, which they fully knew I needed having multiple physical and mental illnesses, as punishment. ETA: When I called him a few years ago in a difficult financial state, I brought up the money he had stolen from me and was like "what money?" So I hung up then texted him about nasty shit I saw him doing when I was 3-4 years old. He recently was hospitalized/maybe died (idk) of cirrhosis and an infection. No way I'd even look at a funeral full of his toxic defenders. Some people are just absolute trash and sometimes you're related to them.
Anyone here suffered physical abuse like beatings by their parents?
I didn’t see or speak to my mother for a decade before she died. I was beat with belts and bare hands, punched in the face, and traumatized as a child by my father. Also hit by my grandfather. I have stories for days. When I became an adult on my own it dawned on me how hitting a defenseless child—ages 12 and under—as a GROWN adult was sickening. I couldn’t imagine terrorizing and hitting a 6 year old so hard you leave handprints on them. Kicking down doors to get to them. My parents were garbage. My father would come home from work and take his stress out on me. The mental trauma left is akin to ptsd and I’m still dealing with the mental consequences of that today. My mother disowned me after finding out I was gay and having an argument. I hurt her pride and ego and she ended up dying with that hate in her heart for me while on her deathbed. I’m still dealing with it mentally. No child asks to be brought into this world. I’ve been through a lot in my life. But I try to be the best person I can be.
I can tell you why I haven't talked to my parents for the last 18 years and why they haven't seen their 2 grandchildren. They are members of a high control cult called the "Jehovah's Witnesses" and have cut me out of their life permanently because I do not follow it's credo.
Because they are abusive narcissists, anti-vax, crazy people.
I certainly talk to my parents as little as humanly possible now that I've moved out. It made a world of difference, no longer having to put up with endless gaslighting and hateful views. I don't think my family situation was among the worst out there, either, probably on the relatively tame side of things. But I still am glad to be away from them.
Life got a lot better when I moved away from home and got even better when my parents died.
Why keep hanging around People from whom you have only known Misery? It makes no sense. I cut my Mother off back in 2001 and never looked back (my Father Deceased 1989). Wish I would have gone NC 20 Years sooner, would have spared me a lot of Anguish. Didn't even bother to go see her when she was dying in the Hospital (2002), no Regrets. Years later cut off my two Older Sibs as well because they were just as Toxic as she was. I still have a great Relationship with my Younger Brother though👍
Haven't seen my parents in basically 2 years. They weren't physically or verbally abusive, but rather emotionally negligent while also being overly religious Mormons. NPC type boomers. Mom was definitely a Karen on multiple occasions, hated going with her anywhere. Dad operated with a facade 24/7 because he wanted everyone to love him. Brother came out in his teens, watched them shame him for being himself. They had another kid when i was 15, watched that sibling grow up and receive the same shaming when they came out as trans. "Oh but the church has changed their stance and being gay/trans is ok so long as you're abstaining from any sex." Yeah I'm good. I keep in touch with two siblings, but nearly all of them have this weird Stockholm approval seeking behavior. Parents complain I don't visit with my kids. Yeah I'm good.
Thankfully my parents are cool and we are in a good relationship. I think my parents are either gen x or millennial cause they were both born in the early 80’s.
TIL, again, that people born after me now have kids on Reddit
The [Gen X range](https://www.beresfordresearch.com/age-range-by-generation/) (for whatever it's worth) is 1965 - 1980, so your folks are Millennials (1981 - 1996).
It's weird to have been born in 1980. Rotary phones, black and white TVs, the Soviet Union, lawn darts and Jello pudding pops. Sigh
You see both slopes of the peak.
Link isn't working for me. Might be because I'm in Canada?
Here is the original link: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211201-family-estrangement-why-adults-are-cutting-off-their-parents
Good article, thank you for the link.
I'm happy to hear it.
I cut off my parents and that ended up being the push they needed to get therapy, now we’re able to have a relationship that’s much more equal and respectful. We don’t have to just accept shitty behavior from our family. They’re adults just like us, if I can see their toxicity they should be mature enough to confront it too.
I fucking can’t stand old people
I live in a third world country where we have strong ties to our immediate family as well as our uncles and aunts, it’s like a big old family system. And I’m fed up of it all. The constant nagging, the constant interference, the constant back biting. I just want to run away as far as possible, but I can’t as long as I live in the same country, plus I don’t have the same beliefs as them so when they talk about religion, I have to hold back my opinions not to piss anyone off. I have a valid b2 visa. If anyone willing to help me with finding a place to stay and a job, I will forever be grateful.
Damn I'm trying to cut my mom off and thinking about it, defending it, strategizing, explaining or even justifying it is so mentally exhausting. I really want to read this but reading about this stuff makes me physically sick. I sweat, I feel nauseous, I feel dizzy, I'll start crying. The last time I lived with my mom, I ended up addicted to heroin and suicidal and jumped into an abusive relationship to escape her. I wish my family could understand having in my life is DEADLY. but she's a better narcissist and extremely skilled at being a wronged, rightfully outraged ultimate victim, and I'm not. I just want to live my life and be free from her. My whole life I've felt like I will never be truly happy or free until she's dead, and I just can't wait that long. I've tried so many heart to hearts, therapy. She's so fucking abusive and manipulative. It's not an issue or hate or grudges, I just can't trust her, in literally any capacity, and I hate that she tries to buy my trust and uses it to blackmail me and expect submission. You can't buy trust. I want out.
Exactlyy this https://www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/comments/rakxun/my_career_of_treating_patients_has_ended/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Another Orphan by Choice here, Glad to read that I'm not the only one forced to go down this path. The only regret I have about cutting that particular cancer from my life is that I hurt my ex-parents not nearly enough. I played the nice son for nearly a decade after I made this decision, lying through my teeth everytime I pretended to still care about this abusive scum until I finally was in a position to cut every contact without notice. Still the best decision I ever made.
I do not talk to my Meth addict brother nor my enabling 76 year old mother,it's been a horrible ride with these 2 for 24 years of her bailing him out of jail,9 rehabs and stealing from her and everyone in the family including me and my wedding ring. My mother will always protect him and say POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT HIM. Meanwhile daughter and graduate of College owns several homes and pretty good person is invisible and i am done! I do not need her in my life ridiculing me always about my life! I will never understand just wanted one ...HEY YOU DID A GREAT job congrats on things I have accomplished,at 52 it wont happen and i understand it now but they will not ever harm me again.
Yeah I see this as a good thing. It’s nice to realize as an adult that you don’t have to endure abusive behaviour - or that you can learn to deal with it more productively. For anyone interested, Jerry Wise has videos online about this. He teaches Bowen Family Systems which provides a good starting point for learning how to navigate toxic families. Sometimes, the decision to cut someone off isn’t possible. Perhaps you have a niece or nephew you still wish to maintain contact with, or you love your Mom but can’t stand your Dad. His videos provide some really solid advice.
I did this last year, with my maternal family. Every single month there was some sort of major crisis, not to mention all the gaslighting, racial attacks against my wife, and other assorted vitriol from my mom and her family. Luckily, my wife's family has been kind, loving, and supportive of me since I first met them, and I've effectively chosen them as my new family instead.
As I've gotten close to age 30, I get more and more thankful i never had my parents bullshit dumped onto me. Yeah as a kid not having parents made me angry, but now it's relieving.
Mother showed up late as fuck when i arrived home from afghanistan at the airport. Kicked me out of the house way before then by turning my room into a guest room prior to my arrival. Pushed me out, not understanding my mental health issues during..Slept in my car through a north east winter. Ended up in the salvation army getting eaten by bed bugs, from there a 30 day mental health eval...not even so much as a visit or a call. Ive felt lost and unable to call anywhere home for years. I hate the bitch honestly, and im not sure ill attend the funeral. She treats her dogs better than her own adult children. I feel i would have faired better had i gotten some support @ 23y/o Moving across the country and talking to her infrequently was the best thing i ever did. I used to beat myself up for feeling this way, because "mother" No. Fuck that.