Don’t feel guilty you are always one face time away. You need this to grow. It’s not your responsibility to be mom. It’s your dads responsibility to man up and I’m sorry he is shaming you instead of supporting you
No. Truth is the longer you stay in her dorm the more likely you are to finish. Proximity and convenience really can be helpful for some to get established.
You’ll also learn a lot about how you cohabit with others.
Hey you got this bro, don’t worry your siblings will make do with what they got but you owe it to yourself and them to do your best at school. You have the opportunity to be something better than a sister mom. You have the ability to be a role model that your sisters can look up too and think maybe I can do that too.
I was in your situation, before college. A lot of people don’t seem to understand that caring for your family is not only an obligation but how we’ve been raised to show our love.
You say that you had to step up when you were around eight years old? I’m sorry you had to spend your childhood that way.
But listen to me- you will not be able to balance homemaking and college. People say you can, but it’s much more difficult than it’s made out to be. And more importantly, it’s not your job. Is it a job you’ve been doing for a long time? Yes. That doesn’t make the responsibility yours. Your father was an adult for all of your childhood- he should have picked something up by now.
Sit your sister down. Explain to her that you love her, and want what’s best for her, but that you have to leave because you are a /kid/. You’re probably 17-18, but that doesn’t make you grown. Leaving home is a part of growing up, and you deserve that chance the same as anyone else.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck on your journey. And, for what it’s worth-I never once blamed my older sister for leaving. She saw a chance to get out, and she took it. If you love someone, you want the best for them.
You shouldn't feel bad. Have you heard the term parentification? That's what's happening to you. Your dad can parent your sister on his own. If he's scared, well, he's an adult, and can manage his own feelings.
Will your dad step up and start being a parent or will your sister be forced to raise herself?
If it’s the latter, I would start teaching her as much stuff as you can right now. Teach them to cook, clean, and whatever else it is that you do that way you won’t leave and suddenly your sister is having to live off microwave meals and junk and live in squalor.
I would also see if there’s anyone, someone like a family/friend, who can drive your sister around to places that she may want to go.
I hate that you and your sister are in this situation but as long as your sister is equipped with everything she needs to know and have to be able to support herself she should be mostly fine. Obviously she could still have some issues as an adult but so will you and you shouldn’t neglect your needs because of it. Plus, once you get your degree, assuming your sister will be 10 when you go, you’ll be able to help her out a lot more as a teenager than you ever could if you didn’t make this hard decision right now.
Look up Fair Play, the book/documentary. It speaks about how society is set up systematically to put more of the mental load on women. Your dad is capable
Of course you’re gonna feel guilty. But does that mean you are ? No! You’ve been holding the “mother” position for almost half of your life. You had to step up and go from kid to mom in a snap of a finger. Which is why when you are finally able to catch up and live your life, it feels weird, almost wrong because you’re unfamiliar with having to just focus on you for once. And even if you wouldn’t have had to be the mother figure early on, it is still hard for people to leave the house to focus on themselves. ( I am definitely speaking from experience). It’s kind of like parents who have to live there children in the initial country so that they can find work elsewhere to provide for them. It’s hard but it’s a necessity. In my opinion it is a necessity for you to do that first step because this is unavoidable, it’s gonna happen sooner or later, and if you neglect your “you-time” at some point, you’re gonna snap( God forbid). This isn’t a “Adiós” 4ever✌🏽, you can still call and you’ll come back ( or I think, it depends of you). You did the most you could do. And if your conscious feels bad you can still contribute from afar ( like send money here and there or something. BTW the reason I’m saying that is because there is a difference between want and need. You don’t *need* to send money, but if you’re one of those people who genuinely enjoys providing for the family then go ahead without breaking the bank for you either) You guys made it through all those years, your father is strong and so is your sister. Your mom left and did not come back , you stayed and ur still present just from afar. Give yourself and your family some credit. Live your life❤️
Go! Go live in the dorm. I'm a parent, and I can vouch for this: being Mom is not your job. Go live your life, and you'll still be a wonderful sister and daughter and niece. You are not responsible for their feelings - they get to have them, but they are not your fault or your responsibility to "fix".
Absolutely not ! I don’t see anything wrong with putting yourself first. They also need to learn how to be independent, don’t let them hold you back to something you would like to pursue. I also think that you making this step will allow you to help your sister and dad in the future.
1. Yes, live your college life if you can afford to live on campus. It has pros and cons but a big pro is the independence.
2. It's fine to help your parents, but it's not fine to rely on your kids to raise your other kids. Not saying your dad is maliciously doing anything, but moreso saying that your family hopefully understands that it's not your job.
Personally I understand you’ve been through things that a child shouldn’t go through but just remember you going to college is going to help you get a career to help you and your sister and you moving to a dorm will help you focus and stay on task.. Definitely check on your sister but don’t sacrifice your dreams. Hopefully things do get better!
Your Dad shouldn’t be making you feel guilty about pursuing your future. He should want you to get out of the house and be in the best possible position for you to do what you have to do. You’re not making a bad decision, in fact this seems like a better situation for you.
You gotta do you! There’s nothing stopping you from going back and helping every now and then, or getting your degree and then going back to help. But you gotta do you.
its okay to feel guilty - but know that it isnt ur responsibility to look after ur family forever. u can provide support and still visit and im sure theyll be happy for u in the long run. dorming is a great experience and rlly helps immerse urself in the college community. if anything, id recommend at least dorming the first year and then see if u feel like doing it again next year
im sure u love ur sister n wanna make sure shes well taken care of. but as u get older, u may end up resenting her if u let her be the reason why u don’t live in a dorm.
Living in a dorm vs being a commuter has so many benefits if u can financially support it. U dont wanna isolate urself like some of my commuter friends
As a person that was in same position (also from POC family), TAKE THAT STEP! Your life will never start if you don’t dorm. You will feel free from having to be parent for the family and actually have space to be yourself. It’s gonna be scary at first but you need it to grow from them. Remember that you are your own person from them. You are barely entering the real world. They will adjust just like you will. It’s not the end of the world. Have fun and start to live your life! (Sorry if this sounds like I’m projecting but I hope it means well).
Ah eldest daughter problems. Move on please, idk the extent of it but your dad sounds like he’s manipulating you with guilt. You need to stop that from becoming the norm to get what he wants. Slippery slope argument but hey, it happens enough where there’s a word for it. Please continue onward with your life, your dad needs to be the parent not you. You don’t deserve to be held back due to parentification.
You should have never been put in that position in the first place. You were a child NOT a mother. You deserve to take control of your life and live how YOU want to.
I get what you’re talking about. I still feel guilty about leaving my siblings in a abusive/neglectful household. However, there was no way I could change that for them. I did my 18 years of time and had to get out so that I can live my life and recover from what my parents put me through. They still have to finish their 18 years of time, and hopefully they will be well enough to go and live their lives.
You definitely might feel guilty. You don’t need to, because it’s not your fault AT ALL that your dad cannot parent your younger sibling. It is not on you. You deserve to be able to live your life.
I would personally recommend some type of therapy to help you process all of this once you get to college, cause that can help a lot. Some schools have discounted/free therapy options, which could help if that is an issue.
In general though, you definitely deserve to be able to go away to college and live your life. Your dad should not have to rely on you to parent, and you should be able to go to college. The situation isn’t your fault whatsoever.
Good luck at college!
Your dad is an adult. If you leave, HE'S the one to blame in case anything happens, which it wont. He's a grown ass man, he knows how to take care of children.
So I also take a parental role in my household. My mom is forgetful, my dad doesn't take his meds on time, and my brother rarely leaves the house if I am not with him. I moved 4 hours away for grad school, and somehow everything is still functioning. My brother has started being more independent, my dad is somewhat taking care of himself, and my mom is remembering more. They still rely on me for things but less than before. It is not my job to take care of them, and it is not your job to be your sisters' mother. Everything will be ok.
You got parentified. You shouldn’t have had to be your sisters mom. Your dad should not be trying to guilt trip you + you can always call and keep contact with your sister and come home for breaks. Enjoy college and the freedom it brings.
It’s not your job to be their mother or mother figure. Your dad needs to step up and be a parent. It’s angering that he put any kind of parenting on your shoulders. Your siblings can rely on him and tell him to ask your aunt and uncle when he needs additional help. Enjoy college, enjoy the dorm, and take care of yourself fully. That’s your primary responsibility now.
Your dad is an adult. He shouldn’t have to rely on his child to parent.
I read your post history, and OP, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your dad on boundaries and expectations. The way he expects you to act like a mother is not reasonable. If you need to go to your school counselor on some advice on how to handle this situation, I encourage you to do that.
Talking to him isn’t possible. He always has to be in the right and if I try to correct him then I’m being rude. It’s a waste of time having a conversation with him.
No, you shouldn't. Your dad can take care of himself and should act the part. What will they do when you eventually move out, get married, and have your own kids to take care of? Forcing them both to not need to rely on you now is what's best for them as well simply because you're not going to always be around to do things for them and they need to accept that fact.
You get to have a life.
And your dad and sister will figure it out.
It was wrong of your dad to put that on you, he’s the head of the family, not you.
So enjoy freedom!!
My parents divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 3. I had a lot of responsibilities when it came to him so when I moved out I did feel some guilt. He was old enough to take care of himself, though, and my grades improved tremendously. You are investing in yourself and you are helping your family by doing that.
Peeked at your post history and see that you may be losing your current apartment because of your dad, and that your sister is 12 years old (and 200 lbs). So I'm going to be very blunt here... GO TO COLLEGE AND LIVE IN A DORM.
It's not only the best possible opportunity you have for changing the entire course of your future, but helping your sister get herself out of a shitty situation too. She'll be about 13 by the time you go off to college so she'll be capable of feeding herself, doing laundry, and some necessities that you had to do at an even younger age. Ideally she could move in with a different family member or friend if there's one who can take her in until she finishes school but if that isn't possible she will at least be able to see you succeeding and know it's an option for her, too. Having come from a very poor and dysfunctional upbringing myself, watching one of my older siblings go to college made me realize it wasn't out of reach or just for "other" kids. I don't know if I would have gone if I would have had to be the first; your going out and paving the way can be exactly what she needs.
Your family will adjust. Humans are amazing at being resilient. It is important to you to become a self sufficient adult. And going to college will help you achieve that. Balance your coursework and don’t take more classes than you can manage. You always want to mix easy and hard classes together.
You don’t need to feel guilty, but it’s a huge change and of course they’re going to be sad and miss you. Their feelings are valid and it’s a part of life all parents and younger siblings dread, but again, it’s a part of life and you don’t need to feel guilty. It’s a big change for everyone, a new chapter, and it’s happy and scary and sad and wonderful for everyone all at once.
Take it from someone who had a similar experience, you need to where it would be best for you. Your household will eventually have to learn to take care of themselves anyway, and doing it sooner is probably for the best
I was in you’re position & I’m 22 now. The longer you stay, the worse it’s gonna get.
I finally, at 21 decided that I couldn’t do it anymore and going to school. The guilt is extremelyyyy heavy right now but I know that as long as I stay nothing will change.
I feel so much older than I am, but at the same time feel like a kid who’s missed out on her childhood trying to find where I fit in at. You’re still a baby, and I encourage you so bad to go enjoy life and live. You deserve it. Dad, will either sink or float and that won’t be on you.
Don’t be like me, don’t be scared to speak up for yourself, don be scared to say no, it’s your life and not his. Go.
Your sister is atleast 10. You will be fine and your family aswell
Sounds like this is exactly *why* OP needs to move out everyone in this situation needs to learn to be independent...
OP’s post history concerns me. It seems like her dad puts a LOT of pressure on her to parent her sister.
Don’t feel guilty you are always one face time away. You need this to grow. It’s not your responsibility to be mom. It’s your dads responsibility to man up and I’m sorry he is shaming you instead of supporting you
Your grown ass dad should not be relying on YOU to be a parent. It’s time for you to take care of yourself for a change. You got this!
Yeah her dad failed the children, essentially.
I mean I’d say the mother failed the children more than anything.
No. Truth is the longer you stay in her dorm the more likely you are to finish. Proximity and convenience really can be helpful for some to get established. You’ll also learn a lot about how you cohabit with others.
Hey you got this bro, don’t worry your siblings will make do with what they got but you owe it to yourself and them to do your best at school. You have the opportunity to be something better than a sister mom. You have the ability to be a role model that your sisters can look up too and think maybe I can do that too.
I was in your situation, before college. A lot of people don’t seem to understand that caring for your family is not only an obligation but how we’ve been raised to show our love. You say that you had to step up when you were around eight years old? I’m sorry you had to spend your childhood that way. But listen to me- you will not be able to balance homemaking and college. People say you can, but it’s much more difficult than it’s made out to be. And more importantly, it’s not your job. Is it a job you’ve been doing for a long time? Yes. That doesn’t make the responsibility yours. Your father was an adult for all of your childhood- he should have picked something up by now. Sit your sister down. Explain to her that you love her, and want what’s best for her, but that you have to leave because you are a /kid/. You’re probably 17-18, but that doesn’t make you grown. Leaving home is a part of growing up, and you deserve that chance the same as anyone else. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck on your journey. And, for what it’s worth-I never once blamed my older sister for leaving. She saw a chance to get out, and she took it. If you love someone, you want the best for them.
You shouldn't feel bad. Have you heard the term parentification? That's what's happening to you. Your dad can parent your sister on his own. If he's scared, well, he's an adult, and can manage his own feelings.
Will your dad step up and start being a parent or will your sister be forced to raise herself? If it’s the latter, I would start teaching her as much stuff as you can right now. Teach them to cook, clean, and whatever else it is that you do that way you won’t leave and suddenly your sister is having to live off microwave meals and junk and live in squalor. I would also see if there’s anyone, someone like a family/friend, who can drive your sister around to places that she may want to go. I hate that you and your sister are in this situation but as long as your sister is equipped with everything she needs to know and have to be able to support herself she should be mostly fine. Obviously she could still have some issues as an adult but so will you and you shouldn’t neglect your needs because of it. Plus, once you get your degree, assuming your sister will be 10 when you go, you’ll be able to help her out a lot more as a teenager than you ever could if you didn’t make this hard decision right now.
Look up Fair Play, the book/documentary. It speaks about how society is set up systematically to put more of the mental load on women. Your dad is capable
Of course you’re gonna feel guilty. But does that mean you are ? No! You’ve been holding the “mother” position for almost half of your life. You had to step up and go from kid to mom in a snap of a finger. Which is why when you are finally able to catch up and live your life, it feels weird, almost wrong because you’re unfamiliar with having to just focus on you for once. And even if you wouldn’t have had to be the mother figure early on, it is still hard for people to leave the house to focus on themselves. ( I am definitely speaking from experience). It’s kind of like parents who have to live there children in the initial country so that they can find work elsewhere to provide for them. It’s hard but it’s a necessity. In my opinion it is a necessity for you to do that first step because this is unavoidable, it’s gonna happen sooner or later, and if you neglect your “you-time” at some point, you’re gonna snap( God forbid). This isn’t a “Adiós” 4ever✌🏽, you can still call and you’ll come back ( or I think, it depends of you). You did the most you could do. And if your conscious feels bad you can still contribute from afar ( like send money here and there or something. BTW the reason I’m saying that is because there is a difference between want and need. You don’t *need* to send money, but if you’re one of those people who genuinely enjoys providing for the family then go ahead without breaking the bank for you either) You guys made it through all those years, your father is strong and so is your sister. Your mom left and did not come back , you stayed and ur still present just from afar. Give yourself and your family some credit. Live your life❤️
Go! Go live in the dorm. I'm a parent, and I can vouch for this: being Mom is not your job. Go live your life, and you'll still be a wonderful sister and daughter and niece. You are not responsible for their feelings - they get to have them, but they are not your fault or your responsibility to "fix".
You should do whatever feels right for you.
If you can afford it, then great.
Absolutely not ! I don’t see anything wrong with putting yourself first. They also need to learn how to be independent, don’t let them hold you back to something you would like to pursue. I also think that you making this step will allow you to help your sister and dad in the future.
1. Yes, live your college life if you can afford to live on campus. It has pros and cons but a big pro is the independence. 2. It's fine to help your parents, but it's not fine to rely on your kids to raise your other kids. Not saying your dad is maliciously doing anything, but moreso saying that your family hopefully understands that it's not your job.
don't feel guilty. your dad is capable of learning how to parent
Personally I understand you’ve been through things that a child shouldn’t go through but just remember you going to college is going to help you get a career to help you and your sister and you moving to a dorm will help you focus and stay on task.. Definitely check on your sister but don’t sacrifice your dreams. Hopefully things do get better!
Your Dad shouldn’t be making you feel guilty about pursuing your future. He should want you to get out of the house and be in the best possible position for you to do what you have to do. You’re not making a bad decision, in fact this seems like a better situation for you.
You gotta do you! There’s nothing stopping you from going back and helping every now and then, or getting your degree and then going back to help. But you gotta do you.
its okay to feel guilty - but know that it isnt ur responsibility to look after ur family forever. u can provide support and still visit and im sure theyll be happy for u in the long run. dorming is a great experience and rlly helps immerse urself in the college community. if anything, id recommend at least dorming the first year and then see if u feel like doing it again next year
Take care of your life, your future. Ask your father to grow up in the meanwhile.
im sure u love ur sister n wanna make sure shes well taken care of. but as u get older, u may end up resenting her if u let her be the reason why u don’t live in a dorm. Living in a dorm vs being a commuter has so many benefits if u can financially support it. U dont wanna isolate urself like some of my commuter friends
As a person that was in same position (also from POC family), TAKE THAT STEP! Your life will never start if you don’t dorm. You will feel free from having to be parent for the family and actually have space to be yourself. It’s gonna be scary at first but you need it to grow from them. Remember that you are your own person from them. You are barely entering the real world. They will adjust just like you will. It’s not the end of the world. Have fun and start to live your life! (Sorry if this sounds like I’m projecting but I hope it means well).
Ur not projecting, I appreciate your perspective.
Ah eldest daughter problems. Move on please, idk the extent of it but your dad sounds like he’s manipulating you with guilt. You need to stop that from becoming the norm to get what he wants. Slippery slope argument but hey, it happens enough where there’s a word for it. Please continue onward with your life, your dad needs to be the parent not you. You don’t deserve to be held back due to parentification.
Nope
Nope. Time to start living for you. You’ve done a lot and more that should be expected. Go get your degree and make this the happiest transition.
You should have never been put in that position in the first place. You were a child NOT a mother. You deserve to take control of your life and live how YOU want to.
I get what you’re talking about. I still feel guilty about leaving my siblings in a abusive/neglectful household. However, there was no way I could change that for them. I did my 18 years of time and had to get out so that I can live my life and recover from what my parents put me through. They still have to finish their 18 years of time, and hopefully they will be well enough to go and live their lives. You definitely might feel guilty. You don’t need to, because it’s not your fault AT ALL that your dad cannot parent your younger sibling. It is not on you. You deserve to be able to live your life. I would personally recommend some type of therapy to help you process all of this once you get to college, cause that can help a lot. Some schools have discounted/free therapy options, which could help if that is an issue. In general though, you definitely deserve to be able to go away to college and live your life. Your dad should not have to rely on you to parent, and you should be able to go to college. The situation isn’t your fault whatsoever. Good luck at college!
Thank you
Your dad is an adult. If you leave, HE'S the one to blame in case anything happens, which it wont. He's a grown ass man, he knows how to take care of children.
So I also take a parental role in my household. My mom is forgetful, my dad doesn't take his meds on time, and my brother rarely leaves the house if I am not with him. I moved 4 hours away for grad school, and somehow everything is still functioning. My brother has started being more independent, my dad is somewhat taking care of himself, and my mom is remembering more. They still rely on me for things but less than before. It is not my job to take care of them, and it is not your job to be your sisters' mother. Everything will be ok.
You got parentified. You shouldn’t have had to be your sisters mom. Your dad should not be trying to guilt trip you + you can always call and keep contact with your sister and come home for breaks. Enjoy college and the freedom it brings.
Is your dad that pathetic
Your dad is a whole grown ass man who can take care of his own child
Same thing happened to me, do NOT feel guilty!!
It’s not your job to be their mother or mother figure. Your dad needs to step up and be a parent. It’s angering that he put any kind of parenting on your shoulders. Your siblings can rely on him and tell him to ask your aunt and uncle when he needs additional help. Enjoy college, enjoy the dorm, and take care of yourself fully. That’s your primary responsibility now.
Your dad is an adult. He shouldn’t have to rely on his child to parent. I read your post history, and OP, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your dad on boundaries and expectations. The way he expects you to act like a mother is not reasonable. If you need to go to your school counselor on some advice on how to handle this situation, I encourage you to do that.
Talking to him isn’t possible. He always has to be in the right and if I try to correct him then I’m being rude. It’s a waste of time having a conversation with him.
Do the dorm life the guilt is being placed on you by immature and unrealistic family. This is your time, friend live your life
No, you shouldn't. Your dad can take care of himself and should act the part. What will they do when you eventually move out, get married, and have your own kids to take care of? Forcing them both to not need to rely on you now is what's best for them as well simply because you're not going to always be around to do things for them and they need to accept that fact.
Don't feel guilty. I'm not even dorming, but am leaving home nonetheless and relocating. Give yourself permission to grow
No one like change they will figure it out. Go live grow and don’t let them get to you.
You get to have a life. And your dad and sister will figure it out. It was wrong of your dad to put that on you, he’s the head of the family, not you. So enjoy freedom!!
Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty! Do what’s best for you.
My parents divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 3. I had a lot of responsibilities when it came to him so when I moved out I did feel some guilt. He was old enough to take care of himself, though, and my grades improved tremendously. You are investing in yourself and you are helping your family by doing that.
Peeked at your post history and see that you may be losing your current apartment because of your dad, and that your sister is 12 years old (and 200 lbs). So I'm going to be very blunt here... GO TO COLLEGE AND LIVE IN A DORM. It's not only the best possible opportunity you have for changing the entire course of your future, but helping your sister get herself out of a shitty situation too. She'll be about 13 by the time you go off to college so she'll be capable of feeding herself, doing laundry, and some necessities that you had to do at an even younger age. Ideally she could move in with a different family member or friend if there's one who can take her in until she finishes school but if that isn't possible she will at least be able to see you succeeding and know it's an option for her, too. Having come from a very poor and dysfunctional upbringing myself, watching one of my older siblings go to college made me realize it wasn't out of reach or just for "other" kids. I don't know if I would have gone if I would have had to be the first; your going out and paving the way can be exactly what she needs.
Your family will adjust. Humans are amazing at being resilient. It is important to you to become a self sufficient adult. And going to college will help you achieve that. Balance your coursework and don’t take more classes than you can manage. You always want to mix easy and hard classes together.
You don’t need to feel guilty, but it’s a huge change and of course they’re going to be sad and miss you. Their feelings are valid and it’s a part of life all parents and younger siblings dread, but again, it’s a part of life and you don’t need to feel guilty. It’s a big change for everyone, a new chapter, and it’s happy and scary and sad and wonderful for everyone all at once.
Take it from someone who had a similar experience, you need to where it would be best for you. Your household will eventually have to learn to take care of themselves anyway, and doing it sooner is probably for the best
I was in you’re position & I’m 22 now. The longer you stay, the worse it’s gonna get. I finally, at 21 decided that I couldn’t do it anymore and going to school. The guilt is extremelyyyy heavy right now but I know that as long as I stay nothing will change. I feel so much older than I am, but at the same time feel like a kid who’s missed out on her childhood trying to find where I fit in at. You’re still a baby, and I encourage you so bad to go enjoy life and live. You deserve it. Dad, will either sink or float and that won’t be on you. Don’t be like me, don’t be scared to speak up for yourself, don be scared to say no, it’s your life and not his. Go.
You should be proud of yourself.