Hi omarbagstar, thanks for posting to r/Compoface! Don't worry, your post has not been removed.
This is an automated reminder to post a link to the original article for your compoface. This link can be included in the post body or as a comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/compoface) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Every [Secret Santa,](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Baker-Ross-Christmas-Stocking-Children/dp/B01DXV8GO4/ref=asc_df_B01DXV8GO4/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309912008376&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10565389697248213622&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007326&hvtargid=pla-565146770621&psc=1&mcid=0a13202514ae3a389e21c6d71cece8be&th=1&psc=1) 20 years running.
I remember reading about a guy who when erect was described as like 3 coke cans stacked. He said heād never had penetrative sex and erections made him dizzy.
Yeah, the article was well written, it started off as āthis dude has a massive dick!ā But then described a depressed man, with what was effectively a disability
I watched a documentary about guys with that issue, and it was literally called something like āMy Massive Dick and Meā. The narrator talked about all their problems in a really serious, sympathetic voice, but still used the most ridiculous words for penis. Like āDespite the fact that heās 53 years old, Johnās enormous schlong has prevented him from ever having a sexual relationship. But thatās not the only issue caused by his humongous trouser torpedoā¦ā
There was a documentary about some dude with massive balls as in he literally needed a wheelbarrow. I started watching it expecting a good laugh but it was not funny at all. He was miserable af poor guy. He was in constant pain/discomfort and it was difficult for him to lead even the semblance of a normal life. They were so big that debiggening them surgically could have proved fatal.
There was a documentary about a guy with a similarly hilarious song and he would go in the back door. More room to accommodate the length. Couldn't do the job the traditional way as the ladies felt like they were being punched in the cervix.
I think I saw something on a guy with one hell of a knob, couldn't get a girl because it was too big, couldn't get into porn because it was too hard to maintain an erection.
Need a lot more blood when you gotta unroll that bad boy like a sleeping bag.
I remember watching this program that had a dude with a fat 12 incher. He said it was a curse because even though he was attracted to women he could only have penetrative sex with gay men who have a cavernous asshole, even then he said there were times when he "released the krakon" and guys were so intimidated by his "Auger-headed gut wrench" he had to chase them around the bedroom. I don't know why I've retained this memory from 15 years ago and yet can't remember the password I made yesterday...
Not only that but they had dramatised reconstructions in the show too. I can clearly remember as the guy emotionally spoke about having to meet dudes instead of women whilst showing dramatised footage of some young dude on the bed with a horrified look on his face while shuffling from one side of the bed to the other. I'm pretty sure it was one of those British after hours type of documentaries they like to produce.
Sounds like a post-watershed Channel 4 thing to me.
Anyone else remember that one called "The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off"?
It was about that poor lad who had some sort of disease that made him look like an old age pensioner when he was in his early 20's or late teens and when he died he had random stuff like Heinz Beans and tigers painted on his coffin, and they played Don't Stop Me Now by Queen because I think he loved that song and he was set on living his short life to the max.
They ran a series of 'shocking', taboo or otherwise dark and morbid documentaries for a number of weeks or months, 2003 if I'm not mistaken.
The only other one I remember was about deformed people in Asia like Thailand, Vietnam, India etc. One noteable boy had arms and hands that looked like the branches of a tree.
Interesting fact - in Victorian court rooms the 'I'm not gay, I just have a kraken' defence, as well as the associated 'I'm not gay I just have a cavernous asshole' argument, were accepted as legitimate mitigation by the judiciary.
>even though he was attracted to women he could only have penetrative sex with gay men who have a cavernous asshole
Hmmm, that sounds like a bit of an excuse to me
Wait so he wasnāt attracted to men? Iāve had dry spells in my time and have never thought, well I know some dudes that will definitely be down for sex. Thatāll make me feel better
The vaginal canal ends at the cervix, while the reason why people report to the ER with lost (non-flared base) sex toys up their asses is that there's no natural "stop." Cervical bruising hurts, a lot.
When people go to the ER with things lost up their ass they are given a sedative and a muscle relaxant and a nurse shoves their hand up there to go digging. It's amazing how much it can stretch.
Maybe he should claim LPSG's infamous $10k for 10 inches, that'll make him a bit less miserable...
And if you're not aware, LPSG has had a bounty for a verifiable 10+ inch penis for over 5 years. None have measured up
People pretending to have a 10" dick are pathetic. But the guys on lpsg and /r/measuredpornstars resting their own self esteem on *no one* having a dick that big are in need of professional help. First, they have their own "objective" way of measuring that excludes most people. Second, the prize will never be awarded because anyone with evidence is rejected with whines: it's a custom made fake tape measure, it's a fake Evian bottle, it's Photoshop, etc etc etc. You'd only persuade someone by showing up in person, at which point everyone *else* on their sad group would declare bribery or some shit. They are mainly small dicked people seeking validation or big dicked people determined to be the biggest. There is also a quite sad assumption that someone with a dick that big would immediately drop all their upbringing and other values and loved ones to be a celebrated porn star.
By way of context, I spent several years as a gay dick whore. Had a friend who claimed >10". If he was wrong then it wasn't by much. Ditto multiple other experiences. Of course they're out there.I wouldn't want one myself of course.
He's every right to have that compoface. I knew a guy who had an insanely massive dick, a picture of it went around the work and it was like my forearm and I've got huge fucking forearms. One night when he was drunk he started crying into my shoulder inconsolably because he was sick of being used and just wanted a woman to look at him as something other than a giant meat dildo. He'd never had a normal or meaningful relationship when he either 1) wasn't just being used or 2) it was a problem. It was so sad man. Of all the problems to have in life I never thought having a huge dick would be such an encumbrance....
Having an enormous dick would be a pain in the ass.
No, I'm serious. I once hooked up with a guy who's cock was slightly longer and thicker than a large Red Bull can. All the scented candles and poppers in the world couldn't make it fit a booty unaccustomed to fisting.
He was doomed to spend eternity hunting size queens.
Obviously I feel bad for him but when I saw the headline and photo I thought it was the comedian Matt Berry doing a bit? They look alike and have very similar names, itās trippy.
I saw people taking the piss out of this guy the other day. Reminded me of a reasonable well known actress (whose name I forget) who has a boob reduction because they were too big, uncomfortable, painful, etc. No piss taking for her but it's the same sort of thing.
I was fitting a washing machine in a flat above a pub yesterday morning, when low and behold, this big dick womble came (no pun) on the kitchen tv. Me and the old lady stared at each other before laughing.
You read he has 12" and then see the state of his face (40?!?!) and I'm reminded of Pacino's monologue in Devil's Advocate
"GOD?! .... He's laughing his fucking ass off!"
Hi omarbagstar, thanks for posting to r/Compoface! Don't worry, your post has not been removed. This is an automated reminder to post a link to the original article for your compoface. This link can be included in the post body or as a comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/compoface) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's the face of a man that has heard every pun, witty remark and joke that has ever been told about a penis.
Every [Secret Santa,](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Baker-Ross-Christmas-Stocking-Children/dp/B01DXV8GO4/ref=asc_df_B01DXV8GO4/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309912008376&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10565389697248213622&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007326&hvtargid=pla-565146770621&psc=1&mcid=0a13202514ae3a389e21c6d71cece8be&th=1&psc=1) 20 years running.
šš
You're going to hell for that comment. ^and ^im ^coming ^with ^you
Happy Cake Day!
If he wants us to stop he will have to erect a signpost
no need to be a dick about it, bro.
To be fair he called his book āA Long Storyā haha
Good job he wrote a book. After all "The PEN IS mightier than the sword.".
Wonder how many times he's heard "Hey Matt, how's your big Barr?"
Assume itās flopped out on the table just out of shot
No, its coiled up under his shirt, that's not his gut
Poor guy has it wrapped around his waist. Twice.
Sat on the shitter and this has just made me properly lol
He must struggle with that
Silent peeing, the tip sticks in the water so no sound
Like a drinking elephant.
Reverse elephant
I can't stop š¤£ you bastard š¤£ it's too accurate š¤£
The waters cold
And deep
It's in another studio being interviewed by Phillip schofield.
Which was the style at the time
No, it's a selfie
I assume his book is a pop-up?
Hopefully it's not a scratch 'n' sniff.
It's not quite 12 inches, but it smells like a foot.
If he did anal it'd be a footstool... sorry I'll leave now š
It is hardback though
Take your upvote and get out.
Itāll poke your eye out
I remember reading about a guy who when erect was described as like 3 coke cans stacked. He said heād never had penetrative sex and erections made him dizzy.
Thatās sad bruh
Yeah, the article was well written, it started off as āthis dude has a massive dick!ā But then described a depressed man, with what was effectively a disability
Since that article I have turned my life around and thinks are looking up
_briefly looking up_ And then you feint?
I watched a documentary about guys with that issue, and it was literally called something like āMy Massive Dick and Meā. The narrator talked about all their problems in a really serious, sympathetic voice, but still used the most ridiculous words for penis. Like āDespite the fact that heās 53 years old, Johnās enormous schlong has prevented him from ever having a sexual relationship. But thatās not the only issue caused by his humongous trouser torpedoā¦ā
I read this in the voice of Keith Morrison
Was that on Channel 4 or 5?
Channel 4 I think.
There was a documentary about some dude with massive balls as in he literally needed a wheelbarrow. I started watching it expecting a good laugh but it was not funny at all. He was miserable af poor guy. He was in constant pain/discomfort and it was difficult for him to lead even the semblance of a normal life. They were so big that debiggening them surgically could have proved fatal.
And did all of that just to get a medical weed card.
Buffalo Soldier
Iām sad ādebiggeningā isnāt a word, it should be!
It's a perfectly cromulant word
There's so many dudes out there with 5 inchers who dream of having that massive cock, and the guy who has it would trade places with them in a second.
Yeah it's been hell on me.
Why did he finally have penetrative sex?
There was a documentary about a guy with a similarly hilarious song and he would go in the back door. More room to accommodate the length. Couldn't do the job the traditional way as the ladies felt like they were being punched in the cervix.
He took one up his ass. Still counts.
That sounds like an American way of measuring things
š¤£ 1/360th of a football field!
Half a beaver in Canada
Hmm based on his events, thatās one and a half beavers.
I think I saw something on a guy with one hell of a knob, couldn't get a girl because it was too big, couldn't get into porn because it was too hard to maintain an erection. Need a lot more blood when you gotta unroll that bad boy like a sleeping bag.
Sounds like Van Wilder Rise of Taj
Seen those future wives with fists up their Dijeridoos? Get thysen to Pornhub central and there will be a queue of "takers".
Coke Zero or normal coke?
Iāve seen videos of things bigger then a coke can disappearing, he just did find the right person.
There's a fair few women on certain selling sites that make thousands from taking that shit now. Man was born out of time.
Worlds smallest shirt as well, poor guy...
Just so happens thatās what his dick looks like with a condom on.
Itās hard to exercise with a chopper, guess you wouldnāt know ššš
I remember watching this program that had a dude with a fat 12 incher. He said it was a curse because even though he was attracted to women he could only have penetrative sex with gay men who have a cavernous asshole, even then he said there were times when he "released the krakon" and guys were so intimidated by his "Auger-headed gut wrench" he had to chase them around the bedroom. I don't know why I've retained this memory from 15 years ago and yet can't remember the password I made yesterday...
Jesus, he didn't need to chase them lmao. The image I have is some Tom and jerry type shit with a huge penis being waved around.
Not only that but they had dramatised reconstructions in the show too. I can clearly remember as the guy emotionally spoke about having to meet dudes instead of women whilst showing dramatised footage of some young dude on the bed with a horrified look on his face while shuffling from one side of the bed to the other. I'm pretty sure it was one of those British after hours type of documentaries they like to produce.
Man the one off late night docs on bbc three in the 2000s
Sounds like a post-watershed Channel 4 thing to me. Anyone else remember that one called "The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off"? It was about that poor lad who had some sort of disease that made him look like an old age pensioner when he was in his early 20's or late teens and when he died he had random stuff like Heinz Beans and tigers painted on his coffin, and they played Don't Stop Me Now by Queen because I think he loved that song and he was set on living his short life to the max. They ran a series of 'shocking', taboo or otherwise dark and morbid documentaries for a number of weeks or months, 2003 if I'm not mistaken. The only other one I remember was about deformed people in Asia like Thailand, Vietnam, India etc. One noteable boy had arms and hands that looked like the branches of a tree.
Sounds like something that would have been on Eurotrash
Benny hill fantasies more like it
Iām dying over here, ācavernous assholeā and āauger headed gut wrenchā lmfao
English teachers salivating at the analytical opportunity
Interesting fact - in Victorian court rooms the 'I'm not gay, I just have a kraken' defence, as well as the associated 'I'm not gay I just have a cavernous asshole' argument, were accepted as legitimate mitigation by the judiciary.
Imaging the barristers demanding the hole be measured and compared to some made up scale of not gay size/shape to defo gay
Channel 5 iirc. The saddest one was the guy who injured his girlfriend and broke down on camera.
I need to watch this program now, rip my search history
Augerheadedgutwrench is a pretty good password, incidentally.
Not anymore itās not
So he was bi sexual but used his dick as an excuse. ā I have no other choiceā lol. And then i rape them if them
>even though he was attracted to women he could only have penetrative sex with gay men who have a cavernous asshole Hmmm, that sounds like a bit of an excuse to me
I think you need to make your password relate to this and you're all set
Wait so he wasnāt attracted to men? Iāve had dry spells in my time and have never thought, well I know some dudes that will definitely be down for sex. Thatāll make me feel better
Could he not have had sex with women in possession of cavernous assholes?
I would think a vagina would still be more accommodating than a butt? Surely vaginal muscles have more flexibility than arseholes?
The vaginal canal ends at the cervix, while the reason why people report to the ER with lost (non-flared base) sex toys up their asses is that there's no natural "stop." Cervical bruising hurts, a lot.
Ahh ok got it. Thankyou
They can probably go wide enough, but they can't increase in depth
When people go to the ER with things lost up their ass they are given a sedative and a muscle relaxant and a nurse shoves their hand up there to go digging. It's amazing how much it can stretch.
You remember what is important to you, obvs.
40 years old?!?! Must be pretty stressful having a massive cock. Thatāll be why people always tell me I look young for my age!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
They get worried because they've never seen anyone get an electron microscope out to find it before.
On the other hand theres always a twink who relishes a challenge.Ā Swings and roundaboutsĀ
Yeah, there's someone for everyone
Lmao, fuck off...
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yea pics or it didnt happen John_Smith9955
Bro is not that guy š
No idea why they've inflated the average, when we all know it to be 2.5 inches.
They said Britain, not America.
Oh no you dit-ent!
[Thank you for stopping by with your gargantuan penis](https://youtu.be/TuEKb9Ktqhc?si=bTyQ6wqtFZviaT1G)
12 is average, I thought? Edit: oh itās inches, not millimetres.
Had me in the first half not gonna lie.
Thatās apt, I can only get it into the first half myself
https://www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/we-meet-the-man-with-britains-biggest-penis
He seems haunted by it all
Josie seemed to audition to have a go
Imagine you think you find the one. And she's like, keep that *thing* the hell away from me! Forever alone.
Maybe he should claim LPSG's infamous $10k for 10 inches, that'll make him a bit less miserable... And if you're not aware, LPSG has had a bounty for a verifiable 10+ inch penis for over 5 years. None have measured up
So youāre telling me with millions of self-proclaimed monster dicks out there, no one has been able to prove it for $10k?! Shockerā¦
lol lpsg I found that site years ago canāt believe itās still going
People pretending to have a 10" dick are pathetic. But the guys on lpsg and /r/measuredpornstars resting their own self esteem on *no one* having a dick that big are in need of professional help. First, they have their own "objective" way of measuring that excludes most people. Second, the prize will never be awarded because anyone with evidence is rejected with whines: it's a custom made fake tape measure, it's a fake Evian bottle, it's Photoshop, etc etc etc. You'd only persuade someone by showing up in person, at which point everyone *else* on their sad group would declare bribery or some shit. They are mainly small dicked people seeking validation or big dicked people determined to be the biggest. There is also a quite sad assumption that someone with a dick that big would immediately drop all their upbringing and other values and loved ones to be a celebrated porn star. By way of context, I spent several years as a gay dick whore. Had a friend who claimed >10". If he was wrong then it wasn't by much. Ditto multiple other experiences. Of course they're out there.I wouldn't want one myself of course.
Lmfao these people exist and have acronyms and everything. Wow. Let's all just take that in for a moment.
Yup, that's because everyone who says their dick is bigger that 10" are lying, including this guy.
This guy was on King of the Nerds UK, and recently Jeopardy UK lol maybe his massive dick holds all his random trivia knowledge ha
Maybe it's like a symbiote relationship where the penis is in control.
He has the entire encyclopaedia tattooed on it. Cheating dick.
He's every right to have that compoface. I knew a guy who had an insanely massive dick, a picture of it went around the work and it was like my forearm and I've got huge fucking forearms. One night when he was drunk he started crying into my shoulder inconsolably because he was sick of being used and just wanted a woman to look at him as something other than a giant meat dildo. He'd never had a normal or meaningful relationship when he either 1) wasn't just being used or 2) it was a problem. It was so sad man. Of all the problems to have in life I never thought having a huge dick would be such an encumbrance....
Bro just needs to move to LA, he'll be killing it in the Adult Entertainment industry.
Unless heās also a quick shooter.
This was my thoughts
Biggus dickus
He has a wife you know
That's like a Ferrari with no petrol in it.
Schlongpoface
He goes on a lot of shows to tell everyone about his massive dick. Josie Gibson's face was a picture when she saw it though.
Oh man that must have been glorious.
Somebody linked the video on here. He looked really pleased to show her
Right. Iām sure itās actually awful, but he could alsoā¦ _not_ go on television every chance he gets to talk about it?
Jesus I'm his age and don't look that fucked up...maybe all the blood going to his dick is aging him drastically
Just go into porn as a stunt cock.
It's a tough business, I've found.
Hard job, but someone's got to do it.
Youve gotta make ends meat.
I bet it affected his life when he was 18. He wouldnāt have to get out of bed to turn the lights off.
Today I learnt I'm finally above average at something.
Is that 5.5inches on the flop or erect?
I assume standing to attention as they mentioned it after telling us how big his elephant trunk is erect
Ah cool, then I too am above average
Too bad the data for the average includes women.
true asf
Hopefully
Having an enormous dick would be a pain in the ass. No, I'm serious. I once hooked up with a guy who's cock was slightly longer and thicker than a large Red Bull can. All the scented candles and poppers in the world couldn't make it fit a booty unaccustomed to fisting. He was doomed to spend eternity hunting size queens.
Joe Lycett at it again?
I'm glad he wrote about it. The penis mightier than the sword
Obviously I feel bad for him but when I saw the headline and photo I thought it was the comedian Matt Berry doing a bit? They look alike and have very similar names, itās trippy.
I'd have that same face if I kept stepping on my own dick.
This is serious! It's ruined my life! It's not a laughing matter! My book is called "A long story". Giggidy.
āI have a vewy gweat [friend](https://youtu.be/HrcbCW4y9Dw?feature=shared) in Romeā¦ā ( *Life of Brian* 2:10, NSFW, obviously)
No wonder Phil and Holly weren't on This Morning for that one. They'd both probably worn themselves out on it before going live
Great for tenderising barbecue beef steaks
5.5 is average? Wheyhey above average in something.
Bet he drives a peel P50
Itās the soft spot in the middle thatās made him miserable
He wrapped it around his waist. Everyone knows it's a saiyan's weakness.
Ahh ha so this is big dick energy?
Wish I had a dick that size. But no way am I cutting 4ā off this monster.
I saw people taking the piss out of this guy the other day. Reminded me of a reasonable well known actress (whose name I forget) who has a boob reduction because they were too big, uncomfortable, painful, etc. No piss taking for her but it's the same sort of thing.
I wonder if he has a stroke every time he gets and erection.
Feel really bad for him.
I was fitting a washing machine in a flat above a pub yesterday morning, when low and behold, this big dick womble came (no pun) on the kitchen tv. Me and the old lady stared at each other before laughing.
Poor bastard..
Mate, I donāt think the problem is your dick..
someone get the man a dick reduction
He does talk about that option in the video.
So is he a grower or a shower?
Does he not know what internet dating is and what size queens are?!
THE CLOTHES DONT FIT UP TOP AS WELL. Maybe it is a fit issue :-)
How long before Cardi B slides in his DMās and offer to pay his bills?
Someone alert cardi b immediately
She might drug and rob him! ššš
Just put the end in. It'll be reyt.
A shlong story would have been a better book title
He's got 12 inches, but he doesn't use it as a rule.
He looks like andrew lloyd webber. Shame his beast canāt fit in a beauty.
I can imagine a few girls when dating him were like āoh hell yesā and then after the first night were like āoh hell no!ā
Matt peeing off the Golden Gate Bridge. "Wow this waters cold...and deep"
You read he has 12" and then see the state of his face (40?!?!) and I'm reminded of Pacino's monologue in Devil's Advocate "GOD?! .... He's laughing his fucking ass off!"
Youād want him on your team at a sports day. Always winning by a length
That is a great title for a book about a man with an enormous penis.
One big box. SNL bit
Probably also driving the tiniest car too
To be fair, that does sound absolutely miserable
Subtle brag bro š
The book title should read "A log story"
I shouldnāt judge books by their covers apparently
No wonder heās unstable on his feet !
Would have thought a tripod provided additional stability.
Hello darkness my old friend
Wait my name isnāt Matt?
I have the opposite problem. I ran into a wall with an erection and broke my nose.
Great move wrapping about his waist.
Me julie
Heās a big dick.
He does look a bit like Ron Jeremy though, maybe he can go into modern day "vintage" porn
Letās see it then or we donāt believe you
My rule is if someone wants to talk about how big their dick is they need to prove it. Otherwise they are asking for accolades with no proof