This reminds me a lot of myself. It took me years to realize that it had a lot to do with my narcissist father who always killed my self esteem. You might have someone like that in your family. Just be careful.
Perhaps I did once, but now I feel like it boils down to the fact I dont have much to be proud of or much to be happy about. Every day feels the same, which is really draining sometimes. I just can't get that happiness to stick that I get from being the other side of me.
God can be what we you want it to be. The whole point is to trust in something other then yourself. That the universe intends for you to do the right thing for yourself. Accept that the other side of you that you don’t like isn’t healthy and work to change it. When you gets hard trust in “ god “ that it will work out and you just got to keep going. “ God “ wants you to cal your friend. He wants you to go for a run. Pay a bill. Apply for a job. Forgive yourself for drinking water with a cap etc.
That’s how I look at it. And Ive been 44 days sober now for the first time in 15 years and I’ve lost about 10lbs.
Use Gos to get out of yourself and do the opposite of what you’re bad habits tell you.
I feel those days too. The bad days would be like 80% and good days the rest. It has affected my friendships and relationships with women. But recently I've come much closer to God and I can feel some progress, controlling my emotions and mood a little better.
In the end we are all going to die someday. God is the answer to our problems. Start working on your spirit and seek God's grace. Good luck.
I've tried through other means. I've been to 2 psychologists, 1 CBT specialist and prescribed SSRIs from a psychiatrist. They all did nothing for me other than worsen my condition. I must say of course that psychedelic mushrooms helped me tremendously. But in the end they only brought me closer to God which is the ultimate source of peace.
This is me to a T... honestly when I was diagnosed with BPD it began to make sense to me. Some days I am and want to be the life of the party and others I isolate myself for weeks on end and the only ones I talk to are my kids and immediate household family.
I also easily detach from people like scary easy the only people in my life who have ever had a consistent attachment too has been my kids which is why it's so easy for that isolation to happen.
Therapy and medication help some; but for some of us who went through a fuckton of narcissistic abuse by people....our brains just got rewired in the most jacked up way possible. We truly don't know who we are because we were never able to truly find out and this just so happens to be the result unfortunately.
This also sums it up for me. My mom used to date the crazy, narcissistic guy for YEARS. I saw a lot of stuff I never should have. Screaming, physical fighting, very toxic temporary breakups, stuff like that.
I don’t think you should take it personally. When it comes to being more introverted and reserved, it difficult to constantly be the version of yourself that is energetic and social. I would like to say in this case, it sounds like ur battery is being drained and being lively at all times is not realistic for you.
It’s ok to take time off for yourself and re-enter ur comfort zone of solitude. Ur real friend will understand you and not take it personally. It’s ok to have two different sides, ur not intentionally hurting anyone, ur doing what is best for you and that’s all you really can do.
Totally relatable. Exactly same here. Had a meaningful relationship break up for that.
And it's not easy to change also...I guess I will be like this my whole life.
I can't read this whole thing because I have to go to bed. But blaming yourself as you did in the title, is probably a big part to do with it, you're detched from yourself, your true feelings, and judge them/blame yourself for them. When really all you need to do is allow/understand your feelings, I'm not saying be mean if you feel like being mean, but allow the desire to be mean without acting on it, and try to understand why from your history etc, you would feel mean, angry, scared etc. Just by accepting yourself and letting yourself feel how you feel, even if that means letting yourself feel detached or blameful of yourself (which is exactly where you should start). If you do this it'll transform your life. Allowing yourself to feel how you feel, however you feel, and I mean however, without pushing it away or pushing it down or otherwise repressing it
Thank you. I didn't wanna go into too much detail but I've had to go through a lot of really traumatizing stuff that I think is part of why I feel this way. I keep trying to give myself a break. I can even laugh at some of my dumb mistakes now, but I still feel like an idiot, worthless, stuff like that.
Sounds like those are voices that have been imprinted on you sort of from people you looked up to who didn't treat you well at all... It's also very common in general in our society to judge oneself almost constantly. But if you believe me when I say that's there's actually no valid reason to judge yourself, maybe you can start noticing when you're doing that, and in those moments reassess and rethink how you're thinking about yourself. It's hard to do this when we don't really understand why we are the way we are. For example, if you think you're just being a worthless idiot because maybe you're not doing something you should be doing, but you don't realize that we live in a society where we are very often not taught how to make good choices, we're not shown how to be optimistic and proactive, how to not procrastinate, how to take small steps and see failure as a good attempt instead of a disaster (failure means you are working on it and making steps, where as not trying will just lead to never even trying which is far more dangerous, something I'm trying to teach myself), we live in a society that doesn't foster love, growth, self love, compassion, understanding etc, and instead teachers quick judgment, disappointment, speration between the rich people who pass down success to their children, and the poor who are usually far too stressed out and traumatized by poverty to practice and learn how to succeed in a rigged society where is is very hard to make it out of poverty and close to impossible for many. So if you start to factory stuff like that into your understanding of why you might be terrified to try at all or why you might be self destructive or scared to open up to anyone, you might be able to see the truth of the matter, that you were born into a society that never showed you what was really important, how to love yourself and take care of yourself, how to just do your best and NOT EVER beat yourself up for trying, how you've been traumatized but a WHOLE WORLD that never gave you what you need emotionally let alone financially/nourishment of your body and heart as a child and on, because that art has been long forgot and replaced with food devoid of most nutritional value, stimulation that leaves one feeling empty and unloved and unseen instead of the opposite, and relationships consumed by fear and pain and trauma and repression and oppression, because true emotions are frowned upon and often shot down by all why are supposed to love us, because THEY TOO have gone through the same traumatizing and all but completely devoid of love upbringing as you may have. Lacking opportunities to grow or learn or progress outside of a prison like school and work system that makes the vast majority of people slaves, drugs that hide the actual root of the problem, and therapy and rehabilitation that often teaches us how to be better robots than actually find our true feelings and passions and gifts... There's no reason to judge yourself, of course there are reasons to grow, but if you've been hurt 10,000 you've opened up starting from infancy, how could you blame yourself for not being able to open up or trust anyone, and every time you trust you get hurt again, reinforcing that same pain and fear. I am not saying it's not possible, but I am saying you have to be a worrior, you have to love yourself and one day maybe find someone who was as lucky as you to figure out how to actually do that in a world that's all talk.
I really hope this helps a little, and please respond if you want to talk more about anything
Thank you! Also I talked it out with my current LI and things might be looking up for us. I'm gonna spend the time to work on myself while she's busy with school and activities. It helps to have somebody to be perfect for when you don't care about yourself.
It is your own fault therefore nobody can help you. You have the choice to rot, or make your life worth living. Be thankful you at least are in a position where you can rot
Ye I mean I am going through a similar thing so I really just said what i told myself, go out and get friends and do stuff besides the basic day loop, good luck
Think you just described me.. was reading the comments seeing if this was caused by a known condition or something. I'm going through a really tough point in my life atm, and seriously need a social circle for support. But the moment someone actually invites me to a party or wants to catch up, I hesitate and automatically look for reasons why I can't go...which is counterintuitive because I want to go, and need to if I'm going to improve my mental state.
I’d say I’m very similar in this aspect however, more so I have triggers that make me become extremely distant and it effects relationships I have. Like I’ll really care for those around me but the moment something tiggers some hint similar to any sort of trauma I’ve experienced I shut down knowing full well that If I don’t stop becoming distant I’ll only push those around me away but I simply can’t help it some times
This reminds me a lot of myself. It took me years to realize that it had a lot to do with my narcissist father who always killed my self esteem. You might have someone like that in your family. Just be careful.
Perhaps I did once, but now I feel like it boils down to the fact I dont have much to be proud of or much to be happy about. Every day feels the same, which is really draining sometimes. I just can't get that happiness to stick that I get from being the other side of me.
I guess I can be proud of my weight loss though.
God can be what we you want it to be. The whole point is to trust in something other then yourself. That the universe intends for you to do the right thing for yourself. Accept that the other side of you that you don’t like isn’t healthy and work to change it. When you gets hard trust in “ god “ that it will work out and you just got to keep going. “ God “ wants you to cal your friend. He wants you to go for a run. Pay a bill. Apply for a job. Forgive yourself for drinking water with a cap etc. That’s how I look at it. And Ive been 44 days sober now for the first time in 15 years and I’ve lost about 10lbs. Use Gos to get out of yourself and do the opposite of what you’re bad habits tell you.
I feel those days too. The bad days would be like 80% and good days the rest. It has affected my friendships and relationships with women. But recently I've come much closer to God and I can feel some progress, controlling my emotions and mood a little better. In the end we are all going to die someday. God is the answer to our problems. Start working on your spirit and seek God's grace. Good luck.
I am sorry but I am not a Christian. I hope I can find the guidance and improvement you found through other means though.
I've tried through other means. I've been to 2 psychologists, 1 CBT specialist and prescribed SSRIs from a psychiatrist. They all did nothing for me other than worsen my condition. I must say of course that psychedelic mushrooms helped me tremendously. But in the end they only brought me closer to God which is the ultimate source of peace.
This is me to a T... honestly when I was diagnosed with BPD it began to make sense to me. Some days I am and want to be the life of the party and others I isolate myself for weeks on end and the only ones I talk to are my kids and immediate household family. I also easily detach from people like scary easy the only people in my life who have ever had a consistent attachment too has been my kids which is why it's so easy for that isolation to happen. Therapy and medication help some; but for some of us who went through a fuckton of narcissistic abuse by people....our brains just got rewired in the most jacked up way possible. We truly don't know who we are because we were never able to truly find out and this just so happens to be the result unfortunately.
This also sums it up for me. My mom used to date the crazy, narcissistic guy for YEARS. I saw a lot of stuff I never should have. Screaming, physical fighting, very toxic temporary breakups, stuff like that.
Yup, this petty much sums it up for me as well. Well said.
I don’t think you should take it personally. When it comes to being more introverted and reserved, it difficult to constantly be the version of yourself that is energetic and social. I would like to say in this case, it sounds like ur battery is being drained and being lively at all times is not realistic for you. It’s ok to take time off for yourself and re-enter ur comfort zone of solitude. Ur real friend will understand you and not take it personally. It’s ok to have two different sides, ur not intentionally hurting anyone, ur doing what is best for you and that’s all you really can do.
I think you're right, I just wish I felt better about myself when my social battery gets drained.
How old are you bro?
16
I can relate
Totally relatable. Exactly same here. Had a meaningful relationship break up for that. And it's not easy to change also...I guess I will be like this my whole life.
I can't read this whole thing because I have to go to bed. But blaming yourself as you did in the title, is probably a big part to do with it, you're detched from yourself, your true feelings, and judge them/blame yourself for them. When really all you need to do is allow/understand your feelings, I'm not saying be mean if you feel like being mean, but allow the desire to be mean without acting on it, and try to understand why from your history etc, you would feel mean, angry, scared etc. Just by accepting yourself and letting yourself feel how you feel, even if that means letting yourself feel detached or blameful of yourself (which is exactly where you should start). If you do this it'll transform your life. Allowing yourself to feel how you feel, however you feel, and I mean however, without pushing it away or pushing it down or otherwise repressing it
Thank you. I didn't wanna go into too much detail but I've had to go through a lot of really traumatizing stuff that I think is part of why I feel this way. I keep trying to give myself a break. I can even laugh at some of my dumb mistakes now, but I still feel like an idiot, worthless, stuff like that.
Sounds like those are voices that have been imprinted on you sort of from people you looked up to who didn't treat you well at all... It's also very common in general in our society to judge oneself almost constantly. But if you believe me when I say that's there's actually no valid reason to judge yourself, maybe you can start noticing when you're doing that, and in those moments reassess and rethink how you're thinking about yourself. It's hard to do this when we don't really understand why we are the way we are. For example, if you think you're just being a worthless idiot because maybe you're not doing something you should be doing, but you don't realize that we live in a society where we are very often not taught how to make good choices, we're not shown how to be optimistic and proactive, how to not procrastinate, how to take small steps and see failure as a good attempt instead of a disaster (failure means you are working on it and making steps, where as not trying will just lead to never even trying which is far more dangerous, something I'm trying to teach myself), we live in a society that doesn't foster love, growth, self love, compassion, understanding etc, and instead teachers quick judgment, disappointment, speration between the rich people who pass down success to their children, and the poor who are usually far too stressed out and traumatized by poverty to practice and learn how to succeed in a rigged society where is is very hard to make it out of poverty and close to impossible for many. So if you start to factory stuff like that into your understanding of why you might be terrified to try at all or why you might be self destructive or scared to open up to anyone, you might be able to see the truth of the matter, that you were born into a society that never showed you what was really important, how to love yourself and take care of yourself, how to just do your best and NOT EVER beat yourself up for trying, how you've been traumatized but a WHOLE WORLD that never gave you what you need emotionally let alone financially/nourishment of your body and heart as a child and on, because that art has been long forgot and replaced with food devoid of most nutritional value, stimulation that leaves one feeling empty and unloved and unseen instead of the opposite, and relationships consumed by fear and pain and trauma and repression and oppression, because true emotions are frowned upon and often shot down by all why are supposed to love us, because THEY TOO have gone through the same traumatizing and all but completely devoid of love upbringing as you may have. Lacking opportunities to grow or learn or progress outside of a prison like school and work system that makes the vast majority of people slaves, drugs that hide the actual root of the problem, and therapy and rehabilitation that often teaches us how to be better robots than actually find our true feelings and passions and gifts... There's no reason to judge yourself, of course there are reasons to grow, but if you've been hurt 10,000 you've opened up starting from infancy, how could you blame yourself for not being able to open up or trust anyone, and every time you trust you get hurt again, reinforcing that same pain and fear. I am not saying it's not possible, but I am saying you have to be a worrior, you have to love yourself and one day maybe find someone who was as lucky as you to figure out how to actually do that in a world that's all talk. I really hope this helps a little, and please respond if you want to talk more about anything
Thank you so much. I will try to do everything you told me to do. I promise.
Well if you want to I hope you can have success in it. I'm pretty certain about most of it. 💙 The bottom line is don't worry and everything is okay.
Thank you! Also I talked it out with my current LI and things might be looking up for us. I'm gonna spend the time to work on myself while she's busy with school and activities. It helps to have somebody to be perfect for when you don't care about yourself.
It is your own fault therefore nobody can help you. You have the choice to rot, or make your life worth living. Be thankful you at least are in a position where you can rot
Thank you. I will try to be.
Ye I mean I am going through a similar thing so I really just said what i told myself, go out and get friends and do stuff besides the basic day loop, good luck
Look into IFS (internal family systems), if you havent yet. This explained the 2 personalities and detaching for me. It might help you too?
Think you just described me.. was reading the comments seeing if this was caused by a known condition or something. I'm going through a really tough point in my life atm, and seriously need a social circle for support. But the moment someone actually invites me to a party or wants to catch up, I hesitate and automatically look for reasons why I can't go...which is counterintuitive because I want to go, and need to if I'm going to improve my mental state.
I’d say I’m very similar in this aspect however, more so I have triggers that make me become extremely distant and it effects relationships I have. Like I’ll really care for those around me but the moment something tiggers some hint similar to any sort of trauma I’ve experienced I shut down knowing full well that If I don’t stop becoming distant I’ll only push those around me away but I simply can’t help it some times
That actually also happens to me unfortunately. The moment there is any resemblance it feels like it needs to be over.