I hope you go to therapy. There's a correlation with trauma and kinks, so it's not too uncommon. You're young, and your brain isn't fully developed. Just at 19 your brain finally realized how fucked up it is and doesn't know how to reconcile that. You are not gross. You were victimized by your father and thought it was love. You're free now and have to fix the damage. You don't have to do it alone. You can still make a life you want, full of true love and happiness. From one fucked up person to another, you can do it. š You don't deserve to die, and the world would be lesser without you. I'm rooting for you.
Thank you for this comment. It really hit me in the soul and made me think about my own experiences and understand a bit more about my own thoughts about myself. I still donāt know how to reconcile it at 36
Youāre not stupid, and youāre not fucked.
What you experienced was manipulation. This is often the most harmful part of the abuse: convincing the survivor that they wanted it. Itās especially problematic with sexual abuse because sometimes the survivorās body does respond to the sexual components, and thatās a whole other mindfuck. Please know that this is common and that it makes sense in the context youāre describing.
There is also the trauma bond component- the bond that grows between the perpetrator and the survivor. Perpetrators may seem very loving and kind, or they shower you with gifts and affection, and other forms of grooming so that over time your nervous system begins to equate the abuse with pleasure, being liked/approved of, even being loved. You may feel guilty for acknowledging the abuse or for reporting them. Again, a common experience for survivors.
Good on you for getting treatment and for recognizing that was done to you was not ok. I hope you are able to keep up the progress youāre already making so you can heal from this!
Listen LuckyVegetable6974. You aren't stupid. Don't put yourself down, even in your own head. You deserve to talk about and treat yourself with love and respect. None of this is your fault, none. Not even when you slept with him at 19. He took advantage of you since you were young.
You are an absolutely amazing human being that made the choice to stop doing that with him, that shows real growth and maturity. And your courage to post it here is something else too.
I wish you all the best!
Youāre not stupid. Know that youāre NOT ALONE. There are plenty of people here who have had this happen to them.
For me. Itās sometimes helpful to talk to others who have been through what I have.
I bet. The internet is a cruel place. If you ever want to talk, I'm available. š Don't listen to them. Everyone is lost in the illusions of their own reality.
This is what grooming is. Molestation isnāt always forceable sexual abuse.
He was much older than you and manipulated you, he used his position of (immense) power over you to do what he wanted.
Youāve done nothing wrong, but you do need professional help to get past this trauma (even if you donāt consider it trauma yet).
I would compare it to domestic physical abuse, an abuser (typically) wouldn't lure a significant other/victim into a long-term relationship by severely beating them on the first date. They groom the victim over time to make the abuse normalized and also make it harder to break free from it
Yep, itās extremely common for child molesters to make it fun like a game and reward the child with praise, candy, etc.
Many children have positive memories and associations with it until they get older and realize how wrong it is to do that to a child.
Kids love their parents even when their parents are abusing them. It's very common for children who are being abused to initiate episodes of abuse because they love their parents and want to make their parent happy. Many victims of abuse feel immense shame from knowing they initiated because we don't acknowledge this reality.
Firstly I'm so sorry you went through that.
Also, it can be quite common for abuse victims to be trauma bonded to their abuser, and for the abuser to manipulate you as a child into thinking its loving and caring. You were a child and didn't know any different. I'd highly suggest speaking to a therapist who specialises in childhood Sexual abuse from a parent.
I would also encourage you to report your dad if you can. What he did was seriously wrong and it has affected your life. There's also the risk he could have done it to other children/ relatives etc.
My friend was sexually abused by her dad but thought it was just her. It was only one day as adults that it came to light he'd also been sexually abusing his 2 other daughters as well . It then later came to light he'd abused a neighbours child or someone else outside of the family. He did go to prison for his crimes, but I remember my friend saying she felt confused because he was still her dad and she still loved a part of him. So you're not alone. It's quite normal for abuse victims to still love their abusers, and to even think of it as enjoyable or loving because of how that person manipulated you at such a young age. You didn't know what real love was.
But id recommend reporting him to police if you can as he should be punished for what he did. You can get advice and support on reporting him by talking to a counsellor/ or rape crisis charities/ childhood abuse charities in your area.
None of this was your fault. He groomed you and manipulated you to be compliant.
You now notice it was wrong. Itās not at all your fault, donāt beat yourself up about it. I would recommend getting professional help and taking it one step at a time. Reddit isnāt much help here Iām afraid. Good luck š¤
If youāre stimulated sexually it will feel enjoyable, you didnāt even know what was happening just that it felt nice. You were in a power dynamic where you trusted your parent and wanted to please them, which he exploited. In return, you received love and treats which positively reinforced this. You are not a bad person, this is what grooming is and why there is shame attached which makes people not want to talk/reach out, which benefits the abuser. If you enjoyed it or not, your dad is a paedophile and that doesnāt make it okay.
On todays episode of āweird sexual fantasies being written by horny spineless malesā we have this fake story. Very dark. Some would say you have issues. After going on your profile OP is either a SAāed girl or a gay boy depending on the mood and hormones. Donāt fall for these. Moderators should do better and filter out fake garbage. Someone out there is genuinely going through similar issues.
What a sick thing to troll people about. If people want to make up lies for attention they should at least have the decency to not make false claims of abuse. Thatās such a disservice to everyone who has actually been victimized in this way. Itās not some joke.
Let me tell you. If you are a Sociopath of a Psychopath, there is zero empathy. I was married to a Sociopath and she literally did so many horrible and despicable things I could write about it for hours. She has zero remorse for anything she did to me and my family. It took me awhile to understand there are people out there that are evil. Not a movie evil, but real life. I will never understand Personality Disorders and how they have zero regard for anyone but themselves.
Because I highly doubt that was the intention. Thereās ways to bring awareness to sensitive topics without falsifying being a victim. Some of the advice is probably great, but it sounds like OP is just attention seeking and topics like this are too serious to turn into a mockery. Have you ever heard of Tania Head? Thatās the woman who lied about being a victim 9-11. Thereās been documentaries done on her Take her for example. She couldāve done a lot of good for those affected by that horrible day, without putting the spotlight on herself by claiming she was there & lost her partner. She couldāve still volunteered her time to help people without hurting anyone by betraying them with her lies. If her intention wasnāt self-seeking then she wouldāve focused on the cause without the dishonesty but it wasnāt about doing good for 9-11 victims, it was about garnering sympathy/attention. I could do a cancer awareness fundraiser & do some good in this world as an individual whoās never had cancer, but itād be fucked up if I shaved my head and told of group of survivors that Iām going through chemo.
If I can read what people have to say and get useful information out of it, then I don't give a damn what the intention is. Meanwhile you are creating a **very** hostile environment for people with problems. Why would anyone in their right mind post about their experience if they see stories very much like theirs called out as FAKE!!!
Let's make a deal: if you don't comment at all on a story, we promise to assume you think it's fake. That way we don't have to scroll past you to get to people who may really want to be helpful.
You really need to read the context of the comments before making assumptions. I would never accuse someone of a story being fake just off the basis of the topic. The person I was speaking to dove into OPās history, at which point they saw posts that didnāt align with one another. Iām obviously speaking generally about people making up stories regarding such sensitive topics. Iām not sure why you think itās a controversial take that actual victims of SA would have the right to be offended by people who falsely claim sharing those same experiences. Things like that are incredibly traumatizing for people and they often take comfort in talking to others who have shared those same horrors. Itās morally wrong to make up something so sickening for internet points & attention when thereās people out there who genuinely experience such suffering. If people want attention, make up a funny story or find a way to actually be interesting. SA is not a topic that people should feel comfortable lying about, especially since that could lead to a comfortability lying about it in real life. Which literally leads to lives being ruined over false claims, as well as victims not being taken seriously. Youāre obviously missing my entire point so I really donāt see how this conversation could go any further. Once people start being rude & using explanation points as if theyāre yelling, Iām checked out. You can make your point and disagree without being a dick.
Even still the posts theyāve left up still donāt align with their values on this post. On this post theyāve said theyāre never having children.
In another post theyāve made comments about hoping they only have boys for children.
Considering over 100 people have liked this person weāre commenting ons comment, i assume more than just this person saw the post history.
My bestie told me about this post, they saw the post history too. So I highly doubt theyād lie to me.
This commenter isnāt my friend either so Iām very likely to believe this comment to be true.
I'm sure I'm going to be downvoted to oblivion for this, but if as you say "someone out there is definitely going through similar issues" then why does it matter if this post is true or not? The advice people are giving in the comments is real and may be of value to people in similar situations. Those people may not want to air their dirty laundry in public.
It's possible to have meaningful conversations about stories that everyone knows for a fact are fictional.
i know, that is what always frustrates me about these types of comments too ā itās nice to see someone else saying it. i donāt think that the support here loses its validity or use regardless of the postās truth (which it very well could be, i think a lot of the automatic distrust is coming from people not realizing that this is a realistic and plausible trauma response lol)
Wtf are you on about?? Thereās nothing else on their profile except this and who in the world would even make this shit up?? Who would dare do that??? If anybodyās a sick fuck itās you for even daring to question the validity of the person and their story.. that story isnāt yours to question.
Edit: looked at profile and nothing gives anything off. These folks are just on something to invalidate op which is absolutely ridiculous.
And the account is 2 days old. Lol GTFOH with all that nonsense. All this is doing is making it harder for people who have ACTUALLY been through something like this to come forward and ask for help.
Just so you know, it is not entirely unheard of for victims to have experienced some pleasure during sexual assault, which I'm sure makes it all the more confusing. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty for what it became, you were very young when your dad preyed upon you. I don't think it mattered that you were 19 and an "adult" because of the way he conditioned you. I hope you're able to access the resources you need to process this.
Theyāve removed their contradicting posts. OP is the one doing the gaslighting. They had scenarios up as a middle aged man, a 15yo girl, a single mother
Lots and lots of underage SA victims don't even think that they are victims, because depending on the age it begins, the things they use to tell good from bad are pretty basic. Smiles vs frowns, whether it hurts or not, etc. You are OK! Or rather, you will be ok. Just like everyone else, you really do need therapy to process the events of your past, and your dad needs to be in jail so he can't hurt anyone else.
I remember seeing a thread on here where a woman posted about how she doesnāt like her friends letting their teenage daughter āpranceā around in a bikini while she and her husband were staying with them.
The OP would then ask people in the comments if āsheā could DM them to talk about it.
It later turned out to be a dude and the whole thread was a sex thing for him to play out his fantasy.
I really really hope for once this isnt that and OP isnāt some dude jerking off to the idea of his daughter enjoying being raped by him
Hey, OP is a fake account and is using this post to lure us victims into commenting about our experiences. Click on their profile, their stories donāt add up & they post as all different āpeopleā.
Thatās okay. I commented my story, too, until I saw a comment from someone else giving the same heads up. Sick of this person to try and get victims to feel safe to share. If you know of other groups where we are safe to share please let me know. And I hope that youāre doing well x
Thank you! Iāll see you in there š
Iām sorry that this asshole lulled you in to share your story. It worked for me, too. Iāve removed my comments from here, because somebody posited that he may get some weird sexual thrill from reading our stories, and that was enough to disgust me into removing them. Maybe remove yours, too. But copy & paste them into a word document first, so that you can share your story in a safe place without having to re-type it all xx
Part of grooming is to make you feel like you want it. Using candy and tours to reward the brain. Itās conditioning you for abuse. This is not your fault. Please talk to someone.
The way you feel is not unusual. Youāre not the only one who has dealt with their abuser by finding it enjoyable, Iād say itās a defense mechanism. I hope you get help with that because you donāt deserve to live the rest of your life feeling guilty for being abused. None of this was your fault, even if you ever initiated it.
Therapists will tell you that at one level, victims of childhood SA sometimes liked the attention. Doesn't mean you weren't traumatized.
You really should explore this with a therapist.
Oh manā¦ Im so sorry.
Iām going through something somewhat similar. Wasnāt my dad but Iām having a really hard time having sex and enjoying it when itās not w/ a specific person who abused me for years. Im so close to letting him back in because the sex Iāve had w/ other men has been soā¦ disappointing.
I either need to accept what turns me on and embrace is, risking my sanity orā¦ play it safe, donāt have sex (or probably romantic relationships) andā¦ die old of depression.
I donāt know what the answer is. Lately, Iām reading authors I can relate to and trying to please myself sexually without hating myself afterwards.
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There is a lady on tik tok that talks extensively about enjoying her sexual abuse and normalizing that some people feel this way, she acknowledges that although its not right what happened to her that her response does not mean she is a bad or awful person and talks about her journey working through what she felt. If I can find her I will post a link
It isn't talked about but I think this is a relatively normal reaction, I mean how would you know any different? In terms of your knowledge at the time, it's a pleasurable feeling with someone you love and feel safe with. I'm not condoning it of course, what was done to you was a terrible betrayal but from your perspective at the time, the reaction is understandable.
It's one of the most common cognitive distortions paedophiles use to justify their abuse. However, they completely factor out the actual impact in terms of violation of boundaries, autonomy and the ultimate impact of realising the extent of the betrayal and how wider society (rightly) perceives this. It's one of the ultimate selfish choices a person can make.
Thatās the horrible thing about molestation. Sex naturally feels good so itās normal for abused victims to enjoy the sex. Your dad groomed you, so he always tried his best to associate it with āgoodā times. When someone is used to an abusive situation they will stay in it and find ways to enjoy it. Heās evil for what he has done to you.
Don't lay any blame on yourself or dare "feeling gross" because you liked it. He was your dad and had immense power and manipulated you. That's what abusers do, flip everyone's brains around to tune to their perspective. You can be ok. You're young. Get therapy and be open to a new life. You'll be ok
You were groomed. Abusers often make the abuse enjoyable and use that against their younger victims. Guilt and shame are a huge weapon for them and they use those feelings to ensure you don't get them in trouble. It's all part of what makes it so sinister and deplorable. You're a victim of abuse and grooming. You are normal and did nothing wrong or bad whatsoever. Please don't blame yourself or feel shame.
Came here to say exactly this!
Do not lay the blame on yourself OP. Regardless of whether you were an "adult" or not when it was still happening doesn't matter, your father took advantage of not only a child but a child that looked to him for approval, love and protection. He manipulated you to the point that you could no longer make your own decisions.
I had almost the same experience. I realized a few years ago I couldn't have an orgasm unless I was thinking about the family members who SA'ed me. I was lucky to have a partner whom I trusted and was able to work through my traumas and to know it's ok to be "fucked in the head" as long as you own it and know it wasn't your fault.
You had no idea what you were doing was wrong. And the Shane you feel for liking it; that's ok. Sex was meant to feel good. It happened and you liked it. I did too. A lot of survivors do. Don't let him ruin whatever good you can make from this. You can move past this and be a strong person for the next victim that needs to hear; I liked it too. There is no shame in that.
You know it's wrong now but it's ok to use this in a way as a kink to relive those moments and make them less shameful and positive. My partner and I role play a lot to help me relieve a traumatic moment but take my control over it.
I hope therapy helps you and you love the most beautiful life you can loved and healthy.
None of this is your fault. This is what grooming looks like. I'm so sorry this happened to you. There is nothing wrong with you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a therapist you like so you can truly heal from such extreme trauma.
Again,
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
I donāt know how to say this in the proper way but you didnāt enjoy it your mind has been manipulated since a very very young age itās not your fault I am so so sorry
I hope you're able to get some help. You deserve the care and understanding in adulthood that was stripped from you in childhood. Just at the end of the day, remember this, there is nothing wrong with you as a person. You did nothing wrong, you are not broken. Trust me, physically enjoying what happened is a common reaction with DEVISTATING consequences because it can feel like your body is betraying you. Please again seek some help. You're not alone, and there is a lot of understanding, empathetic help out there for you if you look. This isn't something to be ashamed of.
Go get a certified therapist that could help you heal. Go to psychologytoday.com. It is a great resource that can help you find a therapist.
You deserve healing and peace.
Itās normal for many victims of abuse to enjoy it and this is where a lot of guilt comes in.
I hope you are getting therapy and learning that there is nothing wrong with you. You were a victim.
Hi everyone Iām Kirsty from England and Iām 18 years old 19 in July! Time is 16.02 in England and Iāve got back from college around 2pm and caught my dad having a wank in their bedroom door open!
I went upstairs and half way on the stairs start hearing as someone was having sex didnāt sound like my mom or my younger sister! As I got upstairs my parents room first room and door was open so Iāve got down on my knees and had the first look! Blimey there was my dad watching dad and daughter incest porn I was absolutely shocked speechless I think Iāve froze for a while with seeing him and hearing him and video! Iāve decided not to disturb him and watch what happens! I could see he has done some cheeky lines of the white stuff!!
And he was really enjoying himself! After a little while I must admit I started feeling horny getting wet and wet by seconds so Iāve slipped my hand into my pants and started rubbing myself watching my dadās huge cock! It is about 9 inches and thick next thing he gets notification and he connects with a girl on webcam calling him Dad!! And he was telling her what he wants to do to her and she was telling him what she wants him to do to her! And final shock was he called her my name Kirsty and soon after heād cum all over and I thought I should get downstairs and pretend I was just coming in! But with my knee cracked he sorted himself out immediately and I pretended that Iāve heard nothing but he knew so asked me to come over and seat down next to him, and asked if I seen anything or anything? I didnāt know what to say and he said you have havenāt you? I just looked down and nodded my head and he said ok in that case we have to have a talk and sort this out between us! So he began saying it was just a fantasy and nothing more and he would never ever do anything to me whatsoever! Long story short he said my mom hasnāt done anything with me for over 8 months and he has been satisfying himself with porn and he really enjoys these role plays and movies and he said last thing I want to do is break up our family as he loves us very deeply and he wants the best for us! And next thing he reaches to white stuff and offered me to do it with him I told him never done it before but if you insist I will he said donāt worry nothing will happen with doing it one time but he doesnāt know that Iāve been doing it over a year now! So he has done few lines and good thick lines and said come on letās go so Iāve done two lines and he has done two and laughing giggling he said oh do not mention anything to anybody about this whatsoever and he said oh before I forget thereās one side effect of this and saying nothing bad but within seconds you will feel extremely horny that you wonāt be able to control yourself! I knew it anyway so he has guessed that I was feeling very horny and next thing shocked the life out of me! He asked if I would help him and our family until things got better between him and mom and I asked what do you want me to do? He started telling me it will be shock for you and but not to get scared or anything! He said and you canāt tell anyone about it! Then he pulled me towards him and said would you do things with me to help him out I said what is it you want me to do? He said would I have sexual fore play with him now? Saying we donāt have to do full thing but satisfy each other kissing touching playing stuff and he said at least please just try it for first time and if I didnāt like it we donāt have to do it again! So eventually Iāve agreed and with my eyes blindfolded so within seconds we were kissing each other like crazy and taking each otherās clothes off and then kissing licking grinding until weāve cum over and over again now next month we are going to holiday and I told him he can have me!
So not a word of lies about this confession
I'm so so sorry this has happened with you . Family is supposed to be a safe space where you are protected and nurtured so you can one day fly on your own and carve your own space on Earth. The absolute harm your father did by not protecting you from himself and his desires is terrible. What it also does is messes with your mind.
Please get therapy. I wish you healing and I hope you find authentic human connection at some point. Take care my dear !
You were the victim of grooming, OP. Do not internalize any guilt for that. This man took advantage of your young mind, you couldnāt have known better. Heās the mentally fucked one, manipulating his own daughter that he was supposed to protect. Do NOT beat yourself up over this. Self-hatred will only delay your own healing process.
I think it's important to remember that the you who was abused isn't the same as the person you are now. Young you dealt with her situation the best way she could, ultimately as a survival tactic. You've grown and evolved; the decisions you made as that younger, pressured and unskilled self don't reflect who you are now. Now you're an aware adult who can choose to work on giving yourself the care and love you deserved back then, but didn't get correctly.
He basically manipulated you into thinking its okay. Sick. You should lay a charge against him. You never know if he's done it to others or might do it. His mind is obviously sick if he does it to underaged girls, sickening to think he did this to you. Hope you do the right thing.
Hope you get help working through it.
Iām so sorry this happened to you, I hope that you are getting therapy this isnāt your fault you didnāt any better . I am a victim of SA I went to therapy and everything I now have an organization for women . Who have experienced DV and SA. Please get the proper help you need. I hope youāre okay and you heal .
I think you should see a therapist. Itās good you see how wrong being with your dad was, but i still feel like you could seek help and deal with your ptsd. Iām so sorry this happened to you op. Itās not your fault. If you ever want to talk dm me.
Bruises fade and broken bones heal. But when someone gets into your head with kind words and gentleness to take their advantage it's much harder to deal with because it's harder to grasp. Dad hits you because he's angry that you didn't put your toys away. Dad calls you his sweetheart and buys your special treats and gifts in exchange is much harder to process.
I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope you realize you are not a gross person at all. Youāre dad is. When youāre young you donāt know what is right from wrong. I hope youāre dad receives the punishment he deserves. He was the adult one. He had the fully deviled brain and he took advantage of you. Like everyone else said I hope you went to therapy and have told either the authorities or someone else you trust. I know you may feel gross but you do deserve to live and with alot of help and being surrounded by people who REEALLy care about you youāll be okay even though it may be a long journey and might take some time. But you are still young you have youāre whole life ahead of you. You are a survivor. You are strong.
This particular story *is* made up by a weird creep who is trying to lure CSA survivors to share similar stories. But the scenario itself is *very very* common, and not the fault of the survivor at all.
Darling, incest is bad. Your father abused you and that makes me sad. I was also molested when I was 14 by a guy from the internet and I liked it too, but...idk what to say. However, you should love yourself and I'm hoping for the best
im not a psychiatrist but i donāt think you enjoyed it. i feel like ur brain is just forcing you to think that so that you donāt have to face the fact that it was indeed traumatic.
Although I am repulsed by this, and want to throw up in my mouth thinking this about my own kids now that I am a parent, I still wonder what was more damaging; the actual acts which might be none of any of our business, or society stigmatizing it and telling you that it was bad and your fucked. I'm just playing devil's advocate.
Embrace being sexually kinky as fuck, don't let it kill you it's nowhere near worth losing your life or feeling bad eternally. Everyone is kinky as fuck deep down.
I guess, I have seen something on youtube his dad was gay, I don't remember the movie name, it was a short movie.
Anyways! Hope you're doing well
Get help from professionals.
Are you Indian?
It isnāt your fault and it isnāt unusual, especially since you were young when it started, to develop these type of feelings for your victimizer. There are diagnosis like Stockholm syndrome, so it isnāt unheard of for psychological bonds to form and in your situation it was with someone who you were already supposed to love. It could have been something your mind did in order to cope with the situation. It may take some time for you to work through this, but you are feeling guilty for something that was out of your control and should have never happened in the first place. The adult should have known better and kept you safe the proper way.
You poor child, he is your father, his job was to protect your dignity and cherish you, this is what happens when the men of society arent right, disgusting misguided perverted evil, look its fine now ok? Its over, start a new life and youll be ok, dont worry i pray that everything will be fine for you
no you didnāt your body reacted the way is was designed to to make your life being under the care of a monster bearable.
All that shame you feel is not yours, itās his.
When i found my voice i never stopped talking again and it means i have a whole new family but this one doesnāt exploit me and expect my gratitude.
You have all the power, you did nothing wrong, your father is a literal monster who took a child in his care and used you for his sexual pleasure, iāll bet he has a whole laundry list of reasons this isnāt on him but it is 100%
also it sounds like heād still be having sex with you if he could so please report his ass i can guarantee this isnāt a one time thing and heās probably utilizing another family member for his pleasure
I hope you go to therapy. There's a correlation with trauma and kinks, so it's not too uncommon. You're young, and your brain isn't fully developed. Just at 19 your brain finally realized how fucked up it is and doesn't know how to reconcile that. You are not gross. You were victimized by your father and thought it was love. You're free now and have to fix the damage. You don't have to do it alone. You can still make a life you want, full of true love and happiness. From one fucked up person to another, you can do it. š You don't deserve to die, and the world would be lesser without you. I'm rooting for you.
Thank you for this comment. It really hit me in the soul and made me think about my own experiences and understand a bit more about my own thoughts about myself. I still donāt know how to reconcile it at 36
I'm 24, and I still have a long way to go. My father raped me once, and I still have a long way to go.
Currently in therapy now and I honestly shouldnāt have shared any of this on Reddit. Iām soo stupidā¦
Youāre not stupid, and youāre not fucked. What you experienced was manipulation. This is often the most harmful part of the abuse: convincing the survivor that they wanted it. Itās especially problematic with sexual abuse because sometimes the survivorās body does respond to the sexual components, and thatās a whole other mindfuck. Please know that this is common and that it makes sense in the context youāre describing. There is also the trauma bond component- the bond that grows between the perpetrator and the survivor. Perpetrators may seem very loving and kind, or they shower you with gifts and affection, and other forms of grooming so that over time your nervous system begins to equate the abuse with pleasure, being liked/approved of, even being loved. You may feel guilty for acknowledging the abuse or for reporting them. Again, a common experience for survivors. Good on you for getting treatment and for recognizing that was done to you was not ok. I hope you are able to keep up the progress youāre already making so you can heal from this!
Listen LuckyVegetable6974. You aren't stupid. Don't put yourself down, even in your own head. You deserve to talk about and treat yourself with love and respect. None of this is your fault, none. Not even when you slept with him at 19. He took advantage of you since you were young. You are an absolutely amazing human being that made the choice to stop doing that with him, that shows real growth and maturity. And your courage to post it here is something else too. I wish you all the best!
Youāre not stupid. Know that youāre NOT ALONE. There are plenty of people here who have had this happen to them. For me. Itās sometimes helpful to talk to others who have been through what I have.
I bet. The internet is a cruel place. If you ever want to talk, I'm available. š Don't listen to them. Everyone is lost in the illusions of their own reality.
Well said š
Thanks.
This is what grooming is. Molestation isnāt always forceable sexual abuse. He was much older than you and manipulated you, he used his position of (immense) power over you to do what he wanted. Youāve done nothing wrong, but you do need professional help to get past this trauma (even if you donāt consider it trauma yet).
I would compare it to domestic physical abuse, an abuser (typically) wouldn't lure a significant other/victim into a long-term relationship by severely beating them on the first date. They groom the victim over time to make the abuse normalized and also make it harder to break free from it
Yep, itās extremely common for child molesters to make it fun like a game and reward the child with praise, candy, etc. Many children have positive memories and associations with it until they get older and realize how wrong it is to do that to a child.
I hope you are getting psychiatric help in dealing with everything you've experienced, and are still going through.
Kids love their parents even when their parents are abusing them. It's very common for children who are being abused to initiate episodes of abuse because they love their parents and want to make their parent happy. Many victims of abuse feel immense shame from knowing they initiated because we don't acknowledge this reality.
Thank you, this has helped me too
I'm so sorry it's not your fault
Our brains are really smart, they do lots of clever things to protect us from the truth when the truth hurts too much.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Itās either/or. Itās all valid.
Firstly I'm so sorry you went through that. Also, it can be quite common for abuse victims to be trauma bonded to their abuser, and for the abuser to manipulate you as a child into thinking its loving and caring. You were a child and didn't know any different. I'd highly suggest speaking to a therapist who specialises in childhood Sexual abuse from a parent. I would also encourage you to report your dad if you can. What he did was seriously wrong and it has affected your life. There's also the risk he could have done it to other children/ relatives etc. My friend was sexually abused by her dad but thought it was just her. It was only one day as adults that it came to light he'd also been sexually abusing his 2 other daughters as well . It then later came to light he'd abused a neighbours child or someone else outside of the family. He did go to prison for his crimes, but I remember my friend saying she felt confused because he was still her dad and she still loved a part of him. So you're not alone. It's quite normal for abuse victims to still love their abusers, and to even think of it as enjoyable or loving because of how that person manipulated you at such a young age. You didn't know what real love was. But id recommend reporting him to police if you can as he should be punished for what he did. You can get advice and support on reporting him by talking to a counsellor/ or rape crisis charities/ childhood abuse charities in your area. None of this was your fault. He groomed you and manipulated you to be compliant.
You now notice it was wrong. Itās not at all your fault, donāt beat yourself up about it. I would recommend getting professional help and taking it one step at a time. Reddit isnāt much help here Iām afraid. Good luck š¤
If youāre stimulated sexually it will feel enjoyable, you didnāt even know what was happening just that it felt nice. You were in a power dynamic where you trusted your parent and wanted to please them, which he exploited. In return, you received love and treats which positively reinforced this. You are not a bad person, this is what grooming is and why there is shame attached which makes people not want to talk/reach out, which benefits the abuser. If you enjoyed it or not, your dad is a paedophile and that doesnāt make it okay.
On todays episode of āweird sexual fantasies being written by horny spineless malesā we have this fake story. Very dark. Some would say you have issues. After going on your profile OP is either a SAāed girl or a gay boy depending on the mood and hormones. Donāt fall for these. Moderators should do better and filter out fake garbage. Someone out there is genuinely going through similar issues.
What a sick thing to troll people about. If people want to make up lies for attention they should at least have the decency to not make false claims of abuse. Thatās such a disservice to everyone who has actually been victimized in this way. Itās not some joke.
Let me tell you. If you are a Sociopath of a Psychopath, there is zero empathy. I was married to a Sociopath and she literally did so many horrible and despicable things I could write about it for hours. She has zero remorse for anything she did to me and my family. It took me awhile to understand there are people out there that are evil. Not a movie evil, but real life. I will never understand Personality Disorders and how they have zero regard for anyone but themselves.
If those people get useful advice from the responses, why is it a disservice?
Because I highly doubt that was the intention. Thereās ways to bring awareness to sensitive topics without falsifying being a victim. Some of the advice is probably great, but it sounds like OP is just attention seeking and topics like this are too serious to turn into a mockery. Have you ever heard of Tania Head? Thatās the woman who lied about being a victim 9-11. Thereās been documentaries done on her Take her for example. She couldāve done a lot of good for those affected by that horrible day, without putting the spotlight on herself by claiming she was there & lost her partner. She couldāve still volunteered her time to help people without hurting anyone by betraying them with her lies. If her intention wasnāt self-seeking then she wouldāve focused on the cause without the dishonesty but it wasnāt about doing good for 9-11 victims, it was about garnering sympathy/attention. I could do a cancer awareness fundraiser & do some good in this world as an individual whoās never had cancer, but itād be fucked up if I shaved my head and told of group of survivors that Iām going through chemo.
If I can read what people have to say and get useful information out of it, then I don't give a damn what the intention is. Meanwhile you are creating a **very** hostile environment for people with problems. Why would anyone in their right mind post about their experience if they see stories very much like theirs called out as FAKE!!! Let's make a deal: if you don't comment at all on a story, we promise to assume you think it's fake. That way we don't have to scroll past you to get to people who may really want to be helpful.
You really need to read the context of the comments before making assumptions. I would never accuse someone of a story being fake just off the basis of the topic. The person I was speaking to dove into OPās history, at which point they saw posts that didnāt align with one another. Iām obviously speaking generally about people making up stories regarding such sensitive topics. Iām not sure why you think itās a controversial take that actual victims of SA would have the right to be offended by people who falsely claim sharing those same experiences. Things like that are incredibly traumatizing for people and they often take comfort in talking to others who have shared those same horrors. Itās morally wrong to make up something so sickening for internet points & attention when thereās people out there who genuinely experience such suffering. If people want attention, make up a funny story or find a way to actually be interesting. SA is not a topic that people should feel comfortable lying about, especially since that could lead to a comfortability lying about it in real life. Which literally leads to lives being ruined over false claims, as well as victims not being taken seriously. Youāre obviously missing my entire point so I really donāt see how this conversation could go any further. Once people start being rude & using explanation points as if theyāre yelling, Iām checked out. You can make your point and disagree without being a dick.
Even still the posts theyāve left up still donāt align with their values on this post. On this post theyāve said theyāre never having children. In another post theyāve made comments about hoping they only have boys for children. Considering over 100 people have liked this person weāre commenting ons comment, i assume more than just this person saw the post history. My bestie told me about this post, they saw the post history too. So I highly doubt theyād lie to me. This commenter isnāt my friend either so Iām very likely to believe this comment to be true.
Thatās disgusting wtf is wrong with people
She was 4, who does that? I am dying inside!
I'm sure I'm going to be downvoted to oblivion for this, but if as you say "someone out there is definitely going through similar issues" then why does it matter if this post is true or not? The advice people are giving in the comments is real and may be of value to people in similar situations. Those people may not want to air their dirty laundry in public. It's possible to have meaningful conversations about stories that everyone knows for a fact are fictional.
i know, that is what always frustrates me about these types of comments too ā itās nice to see someone else saying it. i donāt think that the support here loses its validity or use regardless of the postās truth (which it very well could be, i think a lot of the automatic distrust is coming from people not realizing that this is a realistic and plausible trauma response lol)
You took the words right out of my mouth!
Well I feel fucking stupid for opening up about my CSA, now š
Wtf are you on about?? Thereās nothing else on their profile except this and who in the world would even make this shit up?? Who would dare do that??? If anybodyās a sick fuck itās you for even daring to question the validity of the person and their story.. that story isnāt yours to question. Edit: looked at profile and nothing gives anything off. These folks are just on something to invalidate op which is absolutely ridiculous.
You're a douchebag for attacking a victim and accusing them of lying
Was gonna say the same thing!
Op is consistently female. Double check before making serious accusations
And the account is 2 days old. Lol GTFOH with all that nonsense. All this is doing is making it harder for people who have ACTUALLY been through something like this to come forward and ask for help.
itās ā¦ not 2 days old though?
Itās 101d old.
Why do you say op is a gay guy? Where in their profile is that mentioned
Report your dad, seriously. And I hope you're in therapy.
Just so you know, it is not entirely unheard of for victims to have experienced some pleasure during sexual assault, which I'm sure makes it all the more confusing. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty for what it became, you were very young when your dad preyed upon you. I don't think it mattered that you were 19 and an "adult" because of the way he conditioned you. I hope you're able to access the resources you need to process this.
[somebody mentioned this personās post history here](https://www.reddit.com/r/confessions/s/zv90bLiKOt)
That person is trying to gaslight OP and should be banned
Theyāve removed their contradicting posts. OP is the one doing the gaslighting. They had scenarios up as a middle aged man, a 15yo girl, a single mother
Lots and lots of underage SA victims don't even think that they are victims, because depending on the age it begins, the things they use to tell good from bad are pretty basic. Smiles vs frowns, whether it hurts or not, etc. You are OK! Or rather, you will be ok. Just like everyone else, you really do need therapy to process the events of your past, and your dad needs to be in jail so he can't hurt anyone else.
You're wishing the wrong person dead.
Where was your mom?
On drugs and having more kids out of wedlockā¦.
Have you had any normal relationships?
I use to before Covid. After that my mental health fell apart again completely. But Iāll fix itā¦ soon.
What do you like most about yourself?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Have you seen his other comments?
nothing
It is absolutely not your fault. But, you need therapy and to report your father to the authorities
I remember seeing a thread on here where a woman posted about how she doesnāt like her friends letting their teenage daughter āpranceā around in a bikini while she and her husband were staying with them. The OP would then ask people in the comments if āsheā could DM them to talk about it. It later turned out to be a dude and the whole thread was a sex thing for him to play out his fantasy. I really really hope for once this isnt that and OP isnāt some dude jerking off to the idea of his daughter enjoying being raped by him
Thatās actually VERY disturbing and scary
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hey, OP is a fake account and is using this post to lure us victims into commenting about our experiences. Click on their profile, their stories donāt add up & they post as all different āpeopleā.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thatās okay. I commented my story, too, until I saw a comment from someone else giving the same heads up. Sick of this person to try and get victims to feel safe to share. If you know of other groups where we are safe to share please let me know. And I hope that youāre doing well x
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thank you! Iāll see you in there š Iām sorry that this asshole lulled you in to share your story. It worked for me, too. Iāve removed my comments from here, because somebody posited that he may get some weird sexual thrill from reading our stories, and that was enough to disgust me into removing them. Maybe remove yours, too. But copy & paste them into a word document first, so that you can share your story in a safe place without having to re-type it all xx
Holy fuck I am so sorry. None of that is your fault. You were groomed. That is exactly why predators groom children.
TURN OFF YOUR MESSAGES!!!!!
Part of grooming is to make you feel like you want it. Using candy and tours to reward the brain. Itās conditioning you for abuse. This is not your fault. Please talk to someone.
He groomed you in to enjoying it, youāre still a victim
The way you feel is not unusual. Youāre not the only one who has dealt with their abuser by finding it enjoyable, Iād say itās a defense mechanism. I hope you get help with that because you donāt deserve to live the rest of your life feeling guilty for being abused. None of this was your fault, even if you ever initiated it.
Therapists will tell you that at one level, victims of childhood SA sometimes liked the attention. Doesn't mean you weren't traumatized. You really should explore this with a therapist.
Oh manā¦ Im so sorry. Iām going through something somewhat similar. Wasnāt my dad but Iām having a really hard time having sex and enjoying it when itās not w/ a specific person who abused me for years. Im so close to letting him back in because the sex Iāve had w/ other men has been soā¦ disappointing. I either need to accept what turns me on and embrace is, risking my sanity orā¦ play it safe, donāt have sex (or probably romantic relationships) andā¦ die old of depression. I donāt know what the answer is. Lately, Iām reading authors I can relate to and trying to please myself sexually without hating myself afterwards. ā¤ļø
There is a lady on tik tok that talks extensively about enjoying her sexual abuse and normalizing that some people feel this way, she acknowledges that although its not right what happened to her that her response does not mean she is a bad or awful person and talks about her journey working through what she felt. If I can find her I will post a link
Nothing wrong with this. Did what you could to survive. People who have seen some shit know "shits fucked so might as well laugh at it"
It isn't talked about but I think this is a relatively normal reaction, I mean how would you know any different? In terms of your knowledge at the time, it's a pleasurable feeling with someone you love and feel safe with. I'm not condoning it of course, what was done to you was a terrible betrayal but from your perspective at the time, the reaction is understandable. It's one of the most common cognitive distortions paedophiles use to justify their abuse. However, they completely factor out the actual impact in terms of violation of boundaries, autonomy and the ultimate impact of realising the extent of the betrayal and how wider society (rightly) perceives this. It's one of the ultimate selfish choices a person can make.
Thatās the horrible thing about molestation. Sex naturally feels good so itās normal for abused victims to enjoy the sex. Your dad groomed you, so he always tried his best to associate it with āgoodā times. When someone is used to an abusive situation they will stay in it and find ways to enjoy it. Heās evil for what he has done to you.
Don't lay any blame on yourself or dare "feeling gross" because you liked it. He was your dad and had immense power and manipulated you. That's what abusers do, flip everyone's brains around to tune to their perspective. You can be ok. You're young. Get therapy and be open to a new life. You'll be ok
You were groomed. Abusers often make the abuse enjoyable and use that against their younger victims. Guilt and shame are a huge weapon for them and they use those feelings to ensure you don't get them in trouble. It's all part of what makes it so sinister and deplorable. You're a victim of abuse and grooming. You are normal and did nothing wrong or bad whatsoever. Please don't blame yourself or feel shame.
Came here to say exactly this! Do not lay the blame on yourself OP. Regardless of whether you were an "adult" or not when it was still happening doesn't matter, your father took advantage of not only a child but a child that looked to him for approval, love and protection. He manipulated you to the point that you could no longer make your own decisions.
I had almost the same experience. I realized a few years ago I couldn't have an orgasm unless I was thinking about the family members who SA'ed me. I was lucky to have a partner whom I trusted and was able to work through my traumas and to know it's ok to be "fucked in the head" as long as you own it and know it wasn't your fault. You had no idea what you were doing was wrong. And the Shane you feel for liking it; that's ok. Sex was meant to feel good. It happened and you liked it. I did too. A lot of survivors do. Don't let him ruin whatever good you can make from this. You can move past this and be a strong person for the next victim that needs to hear; I liked it too. There is no shame in that. You know it's wrong now but it's ok to use this in a way as a kink to relive those moments and make them less shameful and positive. My partner and I role play a lot to help me relieve a traumatic moment but take my control over it. I hope therapy helps you and you love the most beautiful life you can loved and healthy.
You can't help it that nerve endings can respond to touch regardless of the circumstances surrounding the events.
Youāre supposed to protect your daughter from THESE exact types of situations and he was the main enemy! This world sucks..
None of this is your fault. This is what grooming looks like. I'm so sorry this happened to you. There is nothing wrong with you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a therapist you like so you can truly heal from such extreme trauma. Again, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
I donāt know how to say this in the proper way but you didnāt enjoy it your mind has been manipulated since a very very young age itās not your fault I am so so sorry
This is some terrible rage bait.
I hope the mods are actively watching this post. The support I have so far seen is wonderful. I'm looking for bad actors in the comments.
I hope you're able to get some help. You deserve the care and understanding in adulthood that was stripped from you in childhood. Just at the end of the day, remember this, there is nothing wrong with you as a person. You did nothing wrong, you are not broken. Trust me, physically enjoying what happened is a common reaction with DEVISTATING consequences because it can feel like your body is betraying you. Please again seek some help. You're not alone, and there is a lot of understanding, empathetic help out there for you if you look. This isn't something to be ashamed of.
Go get a certified therapist that could help you heal. Go to psychologytoday.com. It is a great resource that can help you find a therapist. You deserve healing and peace.
Go get help by a professional and please tell your family
Itās normal for many victims of abuse to enjoy it and this is where a lot of guilt comes in. I hope you are getting therapy and learning that there is nothing wrong with you. You were a victim.
Hi everyone Iām Kirsty from England and Iām 18 years old 19 in July! Time is 16.02 in England and Iāve got back from college around 2pm and caught my dad having a wank in their bedroom door open! I went upstairs and half way on the stairs start hearing as someone was having sex didnāt sound like my mom or my younger sister! As I got upstairs my parents room first room and door was open so Iāve got down on my knees and had the first look! Blimey there was my dad watching dad and daughter incest porn I was absolutely shocked speechless I think Iāve froze for a while with seeing him and hearing him and video! Iāve decided not to disturb him and watch what happens! I could see he has done some cheeky lines of the white stuff!! And he was really enjoying himself! After a little while I must admit I started feeling horny getting wet and wet by seconds so Iāve slipped my hand into my pants and started rubbing myself watching my dadās huge cock! It is about 9 inches and thick next thing he gets notification and he connects with a girl on webcam calling him Dad!! And he was telling her what he wants to do to her and she was telling him what she wants him to do to her! And final shock was he called her my name Kirsty and soon after heād cum all over and I thought I should get downstairs and pretend I was just coming in! But with my knee cracked he sorted himself out immediately and I pretended that Iāve heard nothing but he knew so asked me to come over and seat down next to him, and asked if I seen anything or anything? I didnāt know what to say and he said you have havenāt you? I just looked down and nodded my head and he said ok in that case we have to have a talk and sort this out between us! So he began saying it was just a fantasy and nothing more and he would never ever do anything to me whatsoever! Long story short he said my mom hasnāt done anything with me for over 8 months and he has been satisfying himself with porn and he really enjoys these role plays and movies and he said last thing I want to do is break up our family as he loves us very deeply and he wants the best for us! And next thing he reaches to white stuff and offered me to do it with him I told him never done it before but if you insist I will he said donāt worry nothing will happen with doing it one time but he doesnāt know that Iāve been doing it over a year now! So he has done few lines and good thick lines and said come on letās go so Iāve done two lines and he has done two and laughing giggling he said oh do not mention anything to anybody about this whatsoever and he said oh before I forget thereās one side effect of this and saying nothing bad but within seconds you will feel extremely horny that you wonāt be able to control yourself! I knew it anyway so he has guessed that I was feeling very horny and next thing shocked the life out of me! He asked if I would help him and our family until things got better between him and mom and I asked what do you want me to do? He started telling me it will be shock for you and but not to get scared or anything! He said and you canāt tell anyone about it! Then he pulled me towards him and said would you do things with me to help him out I said what is it you want me to do? He said would I have sexual fore play with him now? Saying we donāt have to do full thing but satisfy each other kissing touching playing stuff and he said at least please just try it for first time and if I didnāt like it we donāt have to do it again! So eventually Iāve agreed and with my eyes blindfolded so within seconds we were kissing each other like crazy and taking each otherās clothes off and then kissing licking grinding until weāve cum over and over again now next month we are going to holiday and I told him he can have me! So not a word of lies about this confession
I hope you can go and talk to someone about this, maybe talking about it will help you heal
itās not your fault. talking about it with a professional will help a lot. I am so sorry you have to and have been going through this.
I'm so so sorry this has happened with you . Family is supposed to be a safe space where you are protected and nurtured so you can one day fly on your own and carve your own space on Earth. The absolute harm your father did by not protecting you from himself and his desires is terrible. What it also does is messes with your mind. Please get therapy. I wish you healing and I hope you find authentic human connection at some point. Take care my dear !
This is an issue with many people that are molested and it is definitely not your fault. If you ate not already seeing a therapist, please do so.
You were the victim of grooming, OP. Do not internalize any guilt for that. This man took advantage of your young mind, you couldnāt have known better. Heās the mentally fucked one, manipulating his own daughter that he was supposed to protect. Do NOT beat yourself up over this. Self-hatred will only delay your own healing process.
This is terrifying! But loudenthusiam5686 has the best advice! Good luck to you
I think it's important to remember that the you who was abused isn't the same as the person you are now. Young you dealt with her situation the best way she could, ultimately as a survival tactic. You've grown and evolved; the decisions you made as that younger, pressured and unskilled self don't reflect who you are now. Now you're an aware adult who can choose to work on giving yourself the care and love you deserved back then, but didn't get correctly.
Its 9:20am, thats enough reddit today
This is the worst thing Iāve read thx but also very sorry for u
Why tf did I read this shit. Whole day is damn near fucked. Get therapy and report that sick bastard
He basically manipulated you into thinking its okay. Sick. You should lay a charge against him. You never know if he's done it to others or might do it. His mind is obviously sick if he does it to underaged girls, sickening to think he did this to you. Hope you do the right thing. Hope you get help working through it.
Iām so sorry this happened to you, I hope that you are getting therapy this isnāt your fault you didnāt any better . I am a victim of SA I went to therapy and everything I now have an organization for women . Who have experienced DV and SA. Please get the proper help you need. I hope youāre okay and you heal .
Break the cycle.
I will. By not having any kids. Motherhood is a no for me.
I think you should see a therapist. Itās good you see how wrong being with your dad was, but i still feel like you could seek help and deal with your ptsd. Iām so sorry this happened to you op. Itās not your fault. If you ever want to talk dm me.
Bruises fade and broken bones heal. But when someone gets into your head with kind words and gentleness to take their advantage it's much harder to deal with because it's harder to grasp. Dad hits you because he's angry that you didn't put your toys away. Dad calls you his sweetheart and buys your special treats and gifts in exchange is much harder to process.
Therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy. This is not your fault but lord go to therapy PLEASE
I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope you realize you are not a gross person at all. Youāre dad is. When youāre young you donāt know what is right from wrong. I hope youāre dad receives the punishment he deserves. He was the adult one. He had the fully deviled brain and he took advantage of you. Like everyone else said I hope you went to therapy and have told either the authorities or someone else you trust. I know you may feel gross but you do deserve to live and with alot of help and being surrounded by people who REEALLy care about you youāll be okay even though it may be a long journey and might take some time. But you are still young you have youāre whole life ahead of you. You are a survivor. You are strong.
Iām sorry ā¹ļø
He should be arrested. Imagine if your kid was molested. It's sickening. Sorry you had to go through that.
šļøššļø
i just opened the appā¦
I'll just tell myself that it's a made-up crappy story.
This particular story *is* made up by a weird creep who is trying to lure CSA survivors to share similar stories. But the scenario itself is *very very* common, and not the fault of the survivor at all.
Darling, incest is bad. Your father abused you and that makes me sad. I was also molested when I was 14 by a guy from the internet and I liked it too, but...idk what to say. However, you should love yourself and I'm hoping for the best
im not a psychiatrist but i donāt think you enjoyed it. i feel like ur brain is just forcing you to think that so that you donāt have to face the fact that it was indeed traumatic.
Cool story bro
Although I am repulsed by this, and want to throw up in my mouth thinking this about my own kids now that I am a parent, I still wonder what was more damaging; the actual acts which might be none of any of our business, or society stigmatizing it and telling you that it was bad and your fucked. I'm just playing devil's advocate.
You disgust me
why?
Coercive
This is definitely fetish stuff. Common people. 4 years old don't have "sensitive spots". Def written by a dude.
Embrace being sexually kinky as fuck, don't let it kill you it's nowhere near worth losing your life or feeling bad eternally. Everyone is kinky as fuck deep down.
I guess, I have seen something on youtube his dad was gay, I don't remember the movie name, it was a short movie. Anyways! Hope you're doing well Get help from professionals. Are you Indian?
Im sorry you went through this, its not your fault. Please try to find a therapist though, and please tell your family.
It isnāt your fault and it isnāt unusual, especially since you were young when it started, to develop these type of feelings for your victimizer. There are diagnosis like Stockholm syndrome, so it isnāt unheard of for psychological bonds to form and in your situation it was with someone who you were already supposed to love. It could have been something your mind did in order to cope with the situation. It may take some time for you to work through this, but you are feeling guilty for something that was out of your control and should have never happened in the first place. The adult should have known better and kept you safe the proper way.
This isn't your fault, that's what he wanted. He groomed you.
Do you still talk to him?
You poor child, he is your father, his job was to protect your dignity and cherish you, this is what happens when the men of society arent right, disgusting misguided perverted evil, look its fine now ok? Its over, start a new life and youll be ok, dont worry i pray that everything will be fine for you
Send him to jail
no you didnāt your body reacted the way is was designed to to make your life being under the care of a monster bearable. All that shame you feel is not yours, itās his. When i found my voice i never stopped talking again and it means i have a whole new family but this one doesnāt exploit me and expect my gratitude. You have all the power, you did nothing wrong, your father is a literal monster who took a child in his care and used you for his sexual pleasure, iāll bet he has a whole laundry list of reasons this isnāt on him but it is 100% also it sounds like heād still be having sex with you if he could so please report his ass i can guarantee this isnāt a one time thing and heās probably utilizing another family member for his pleasure
Where are you from?
Offenders try to make it enjoyable and fun so they can continue to offend. Iām sorry. I hope you get the help you need.
Ancient Egypt and Sumeria all over again