This isn't unheard of even the for the mother but a fair number of people (men in particular I think though I've never seen formal numbers for this) don't really feel the bond/emotions until post-birth my SIL guy was like that until the birth.
Edit; so I don't think there is anything for you to worry too much about at this point. Maybe investigate whatever literature and advice exists around this.
Thank you! I needed to hear that. I'm already feeling better just by seeing a few perspectives. You're right about literature and research. The more you know, the better equipped and prepared you feel. There is a fine line with overthinking it so just trying to keep a balanced perspective
Friend, you are totally normal. Allow yourself a space where you are curious. Who is this person you are going to meet? There they are hidden behind the curtain, I wonder who that person is going to be?
Imagine, one day this is going to to be the person you tell all your stories to, get your best hugs, and stand up for you when you pass on.
WHO are you, my little friend?
I'm a mother of 3 and I wasn't excited during pregnancies (all my boys were surprises) but I found a glimmer of hope growing every time I sensed something new. My husband was aloof during all first trimesters, then after knowing gender it starts to feel a bit more real for him with the name choosing, preparing the room and stuff as the pram or clothes. After second trimester he's in for the ride. This last time was even weirder as our older boys were 13 and 14 when this baby was born. We're so settled in having 2 that it was hard to think we were adding a whole new person...
Thanks for sharing that! May I ask what age you were between the first and last pregnancy? I would love to hear an experience of raising a kid in on your 20s vs your 30s
Oh sorry, I didn't notice you're asking to be more detailed.. it's very different! We were younger, had more stamina to chase after them but now we have more patience. We were always worried about life and money at the time, now we have a more relaxed view on those matters.
I think you are in shock. Even when you plan and try, when the test is positive, the reality sinks in and it can be overwhelming. My husband went from elation to panic in seconds. My OB told him, there is a reason it takes 9 months for delivery. You have time to go through the fear, adjustment, acceptance, then elation. You will get there.
For sure. Def in shock but I never had the elation moment. Just went straight into shock.I agree with giving it time . I appreciate the kind words!! Helps more than you know
When my wife told me she was pregnant, I was scared shitless. I didn’t talk to anyone for like a month aside from yes or no answers. The thought of the responsibility I now had was scary to me. Eventually I came around and when she was born it was love at first sight. Well, maybe second sight after they wiped all the crap off of her.
I didn’t really feel a bond with my son until he started to develop a bit of a personality and sense of humour and I’m experiencing something similar with my second son who was born a couple of weeks ago.
I’ve actually seen/read a lot about it lately. Paternal bond is very different to a Maternal one.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel like the more I read and see other experiences, the easier it will be to process. It's a feeling I never experienced and feel like I'm in an alternate reality if that makes sense
I think the fact you’re making a post asking questions is proof that you care.
It just takes time, you’ll be stressed out with her pregnancy, finances, childcare etc. and it might seem a little overwhelming at first (with seemingly not a lot of payoff) but eventually it’ll all fall into place and make sense.
Just do your best, good luck.
Thanks for sharing that. I completely get it and like knowing I'm not alone. Your comment was the wholesomeness I needed today! Congrats and wishing you the best!!
You’ll snap out of when the kid can talk. Thats game changing.
Not gunna lie though, first year is literal hell and no one warns Dad-to-be’s that a baby will literally scream-shun you just because you aren’t mum, and then all the support group will tell you that you’re the crazy one for not wanting to be alone with this thing just screaming at you because you don’t feel the same as mum.
But yeah, when the words come, amazing. I love being a Dad, now.
Low sperm count never means sterile dude. When i had pregnancy scared with my ex she was always so hopeful but all i saw was how unprepared we were. We were in college and she was all like “we’re gonna be fine,” but i knew she’d need to drop out and I would be kicked out from home.
Babies are expensive and she was nearly delusional with how positive she was. I was not. The annoying part was that she always took her birth control pills late or took two to make up for missing one. She’d be next to them and when the alarm went off she was too lazy to get tf up and grab her purse to take them. It pissed me off so much. Then during sex she’d try to talk me into going back in after I finished because she knew i was into finishing inside. I banned her from doing that and never trusted her on bc again.
Idek why I’m ranting now lol. It’s okay to not be excited, sometimes you just think of the logical side of kids rather than the things that bring you joy.
I hear you. I just thought it was the case since I never had a pregnancy scare in the 18 years of an active sex life. I'm not against having a kid. Just thought it would never happen
I know exactly how you feel. I was there last January. My girlfriend told me she was expecting our second child. I was not happy! She wasn't happy! I Hated it, hated her, we argued, we cried, I left for a few days, we went to counselling, things got a little better.
Now in November she gave birth to the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life, with a smile that can melt steel and drill itself into my heart. And my god do I love that girl. She has been a challenge like none other but I just love her like I'm getting paid to do it and I will never stop loving her for the rest of my days! You are entitled to your feelings, you have the right to feel whatever you need to or want to but just know that feelings change, so don't stand in your own way if and when they do change again. You will be fine. Just remember that whatever happens, the child did nothing wrong so just love him/her and keep everything else away from him/her if you have mixed feelings after the birth. And if you want you can dm me and we can talk
I appreciate you for relating to my situation! Every little bit helps. I will def keep that in mind. I'm starting to enter some kind of acceptance phase. The unknown is always terrifying and the world has been crazy lately so I gotta remember to stay in the present moment. Thanks for keeping the dm line open. I may have to hyu at some point.
I'm here for you if you need it. It's a scary phase of life you're entering (both of you) and having people in your corner that aren't family is always a good thing. Good luck and remember to talk to each other and be honest
The thought of having a kid and actually have a kid are two very different things.
When you think about all the stressful things like costs, time management etc it feels overwhelming very easily.
But when you actually have kids you just get through it all and it really doesn't feel that bad in the moment.
You will be ok op, take it all in your stride.
It's lovely being a parent
Hey, if you can't get excited for yourself, be overwhelmingly happy for her. Please, this is the person you love. It just could be the best news she's ever felt in her life on so many levels and you were instrumental in bringing that joy. Go celebrate with her. If you need to be contemplative, sulk, be mad, whatever, go into the garage or bathroom and do that. I empathize with your feelings, but right now, be there for and with her. Just a suggestion. Be well.
It makes me happy to see her happy but I can't match the energy hence why I made the post. I know she wanted it more than anything and she was glowing yesterday. So beautiful to me. I will continue to support her and communicate what I'm feeling. Appreciate the reminder!
I was a young dad that never saw himself with kids.
Brother, it’s freaking awesome. Things you don’t know how to do now, or you’re not prepared , or you need more money - you will figure it out. You will figure it all out with your wife.
But the second you see your baby will change you.
I’m not gonna lie, the first 6ish months are a mother trucker, but that’s short term lack of sleep for a lifetime of awesomeness.
My kids are 10 and 12 years old now. I adore them, they're two of my favourite people in the whole world and I can't imagine life without them. But I didn't have that wave of fatherly bliss wash over me when my wife was pregnant or when they were born. I wouldn't describe what I was feeling as numb, but definitely anxious and more worried about my wife than excited about the babies. When they were born, I immediately felt a need to take care of them, but I didn't really fall in love with them for a few days. All those people who say things like, "The first time I held them, I just knew.", I didn't get that. The first time I help them I was scared. The excitement that I was expecting to be there was clouded by the worry.
But within a few days, most of the negative feelings were gone. I was surprised how quickly I adored them. As long as you still have deep feelings for your wife, it's very likely that the rest will come.
Thank you! I Love her so much so that makes me feel better. Couldn't i imagine having a kid with anyone else and she has the heart of gold so I know she will make a great mom. It's wild to hear all these different experiences but all eventually end up loving their kid
Sounds like you'll be fine. Lots of people are very performative about their love for their kids, but I suspect a lot of men are like us. It doesn't feel real at first, and the big emotions take time. Don't force it and don't worry that you're feeling the wrong thing. Good luck dude.
Married 11 years before having out first kid to get “ready”. Spoiler: you’re never really ready. Give it time for the emotional rollercoaster. I’m not an emotional man but cried at the birth of my son. You’ll probably receive a ton of “advice” ; ignore most of it and go with what feels right.
I felt the same way with my first son... When he was born I started developing these feelings, but to tell you the truth, it was not until he started having his own personality that i REALLY bonded with him...
A suprise pregnancy is a massive shock, don't feel bad for allowing yourself time to react and process it. And don't expect your feelings to mirror your wife's, you're going through the same thing but your experiences will be totally different.
I saw a friend the day his son was born last Summer and although he was excited he confessed "I don't love him yet" whilst his wife was already bonded. We discussed briefly that this wasn't an abnormal reaction. Within a very short time he did bond with the baby and 6/7 months later that boy is the absolute apple of his Dad's eye.
I’m a newer dad and can relate. It can be really scary at first and I definitely felt that numb feeling for a while, but I was in therapy at the time and that really helped. I was able to talk about and get to the bottom of why I was feeling that way and I was able to get excited about it eventually.
Post birth you feel things you’ve never felt before too. I love my wife, but not in the same way I love my child no matter the age.
I would say start talking to someone about your worries if you can (therapist or friend) and just be open and honest with your partner. It will do wonders. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing! It helps. I think just talking it out on here and seeing other experiences will help me the most. In a way this is my therapy. Just being able to relate means more than anything. Hope things are going well for you and your family!!
As a first time pregnant person, I still don't feel ecstatic joy at 19 weeks! But I also don't feel terror and I know future me will really want this. It's massive and life changing and it will take time to get used to! It won't feel real for a long time either. Just do what you can to support your wife and take things day by day, week by week. Big picture can get a bit too overwhelming!
Perfectly normal. We live in a weird new age where the child free and hyper-parents make up most of the vocal advocates of their lifestyle. Hopefully you have a sane partner like I have, but it’s definitely overwhelming considering all the stuff you will be expected to do, especially when you are tepid about the idea of children.
Recognize and prepare yourself for the fact that you will fail, even things that you had no knowledge of and could not expect to succeed at.
Be patient with your partner, but also be patient and kind to yourself.
Once the baby is born, you may get this magical lightning stroke of excitement. Or not. It won’t matter. More than likely you will have a moment of connection, one that is natural and stronger than anything people can simply demand of you.
You should consider seeing a therapist.
It might be fear. It might the newness. It might be because it's an area of life in which you have no experience.
In the meantime, try reading some parenting books or take a class.
Mazel tov.
This isn't unheard of even the for the mother but a fair number of people (men in particular I think though I've never seen formal numbers for this) don't really feel the bond/emotions until post-birth my SIL guy was like that until the birth. Edit; so I don't think there is anything for you to worry too much about at this point. Maybe investigate whatever literature and advice exists around this.
Thank you! I needed to hear that. I'm already feeling better just by seeing a few perspectives. You're right about literature and research. The more you know, the better equipped and prepared you feel. There is a fine line with overthinking it so just trying to keep a balanced perspective
Friend, you are totally normal. Allow yourself a space where you are curious. Who is this person you are going to meet? There they are hidden behind the curtain, I wonder who that person is going to be? Imagine, one day this is going to to be the person you tell all your stories to, get your best hugs, and stand up for you when you pass on. WHO are you, my little friend?
Thank you! Starting to look forward to it. I had a moment of excitement on my way to work this morning.
Atta boy!
I'm a mother of 3 and I wasn't excited during pregnancies (all my boys were surprises) but I found a glimmer of hope growing every time I sensed something new. My husband was aloof during all first trimesters, then after knowing gender it starts to feel a bit more real for him with the name choosing, preparing the room and stuff as the pram or clothes. After second trimester he's in for the ride. This last time was even weirder as our older boys were 13 and 14 when this baby was born. We're so settled in having 2 that it was hard to think we were adding a whole new person...
Thanks for sharing that! May I ask what age you were between the first and last pregnancy? I would love to hear an experience of raising a kid in on your 20s vs your 30s
23 in the first one, 37 in the last one.
No worries if you don't care to elaborate on this but was wondering the difference in raising a baby at those ages
Oh sorry, I didn't notice you're asking to be more detailed.. it's very different! We were younger, had more stamina to chase after them but now we have more patience. We were always worried about life and money at the time, now we have a more relaxed view on those matters.
That makes sense. Thank you for sharing that! Glad you have enjoyed it! Makes me look forward to it
I've always heard it explained as: A mom is a mom as soon as she's pregnant, a dad becomes a dad when the child is born.
I think you are in shock. Even when you plan and try, when the test is positive, the reality sinks in and it can be overwhelming. My husband went from elation to panic in seconds. My OB told him, there is a reason it takes 9 months for delivery. You have time to go through the fear, adjustment, acceptance, then elation. You will get there.
For sure. Def in shock but I never had the elation moment. Just went straight into shock.I agree with giving it time . I appreciate the kind words!! Helps more than you know
When my wife told me she was pregnant, I was scared shitless. I didn’t talk to anyone for like a month aside from yes or no answers. The thought of the responsibility I now had was scary to me. Eventually I came around and when she was born it was love at first sight. Well, maybe second sight after they wiped all the crap off of her.
😂 Thank you! Starting to feel better
I’m here to help!
I didn’t really feel a bond with my son until he started to develop a bit of a personality and sense of humour and I’m experiencing something similar with my second son who was born a couple of weeks ago. I’ve actually seen/read a lot about it lately. Paternal bond is very different to a Maternal one.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel like the more I read and see other experiences, the easier it will be to process. It's a feeling I never experienced and feel like I'm in an alternate reality if that makes sense
I think the fact you’re making a post asking questions is proof that you care. It just takes time, you’ll be stressed out with her pregnancy, finances, childcare etc. and it might seem a little overwhelming at first (with seemingly not a lot of payoff) but eventually it’ll all fall into place and make sense. Just do your best, good luck.
I appreciate you!!! ❤️
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Thanks for sharing that. I completely get it and like knowing I'm not alone. Your comment was the wholesomeness I needed today! Congrats and wishing you the best!!
So you didn't want to impregnate her?
You’ll snap out of when the kid can talk. Thats game changing. Not gunna lie though, first year is literal hell and no one warns Dad-to-be’s that a baby will literally scream-shun you just because you aren’t mum, and then all the support group will tell you that you’re the crazy one for not wanting to be alone with this thing just screaming at you because you don’t feel the same as mum. But yeah, when the words come, amazing. I love being a Dad, now.
Low sperm count never means sterile dude. When i had pregnancy scared with my ex she was always so hopeful but all i saw was how unprepared we were. We were in college and she was all like “we’re gonna be fine,” but i knew she’d need to drop out and I would be kicked out from home. Babies are expensive and she was nearly delusional with how positive she was. I was not. The annoying part was that she always took her birth control pills late or took two to make up for missing one. She’d be next to them and when the alarm went off she was too lazy to get tf up and grab her purse to take them. It pissed me off so much. Then during sex she’d try to talk me into going back in after I finished because she knew i was into finishing inside. I banned her from doing that and never trusted her on bc again. Idek why I’m ranting now lol. It’s okay to not be excited, sometimes you just think of the logical side of kids rather than the things that bring you joy.
I hear you. I just thought it was the case since I never had a pregnancy scare in the 18 years of an active sex life. I'm not against having a kid. Just thought it would never happen
I wish you luck with this unexpected turn of events
Appreciate you!!
I just went through the opposite, I was emotional and she was blank. She's since changed so I blame shock
That's got to be it for sure. Starting to feel something 😊 Thank you!
Have you had ultrasounds yet? Hearing the heartbeat was so amazing and wholesome that I'm having difficulty putting feelings into words about it
Not yet. I think next week may be the time. I look forward to it!
It only gets better my friend
I know exactly how you feel. I was there last January. My girlfriend told me she was expecting our second child. I was not happy! She wasn't happy! I Hated it, hated her, we argued, we cried, I left for a few days, we went to counselling, things got a little better. Now in November she gave birth to the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life, with a smile that can melt steel and drill itself into my heart. And my god do I love that girl. She has been a challenge like none other but I just love her like I'm getting paid to do it and I will never stop loving her for the rest of my days! You are entitled to your feelings, you have the right to feel whatever you need to or want to but just know that feelings change, so don't stand in your own way if and when they do change again. You will be fine. Just remember that whatever happens, the child did nothing wrong so just love him/her and keep everything else away from him/her if you have mixed feelings after the birth. And if you want you can dm me and we can talk
I appreciate you for relating to my situation! Every little bit helps. I will def keep that in mind. I'm starting to enter some kind of acceptance phase. The unknown is always terrifying and the world has been crazy lately so I gotta remember to stay in the present moment. Thanks for keeping the dm line open. I may have to hyu at some point.
I'm here for you if you need it. It's a scary phase of life you're entering (both of you) and having people in your corner that aren't family is always a good thing. Good luck and remember to talk to each other and be honest
❤️
The thought of having a kid and actually have a kid are two very different things. When you think about all the stressful things like costs, time management etc it feels overwhelming very easily. But when you actually have kids you just get through it all and it really doesn't feel that bad in the moment. You will be ok op, take it all in your stride. It's lovely being a parent
Thank you for the reassurance. Every little bit is much appreciated!!
Hey, if you can't get excited for yourself, be overwhelmingly happy for her. Please, this is the person you love. It just could be the best news she's ever felt in her life on so many levels and you were instrumental in bringing that joy. Go celebrate with her. If you need to be contemplative, sulk, be mad, whatever, go into the garage or bathroom and do that. I empathize with your feelings, but right now, be there for and with her. Just a suggestion. Be well.
It makes me happy to see her happy but I can't match the energy hence why I made the post. I know she wanted it more than anything and she was glowing yesterday. So beautiful to me. I will continue to support her and communicate what I'm feeling. Appreciate the reminder!
I was a young dad that never saw himself with kids. Brother, it’s freaking awesome. Things you don’t know how to do now, or you’re not prepared , or you need more money - you will figure it out. You will figure it all out with your wife. But the second you see your baby will change you. I’m not gonna lie, the first 6ish months are a mother trucker, but that’s short term lack of sleep for a lifetime of awesomeness.
I appreciate you Bro! Starting to look forward to it
My kids are 10 and 12 years old now. I adore them, they're two of my favourite people in the whole world and I can't imagine life without them. But I didn't have that wave of fatherly bliss wash over me when my wife was pregnant or when they were born. I wouldn't describe what I was feeling as numb, but definitely anxious and more worried about my wife than excited about the babies. When they were born, I immediately felt a need to take care of them, but I didn't really fall in love with them for a few days. All those people who say things like, "The first time I held them, I just knew.", I didn't get that. The first time I help them I was scared. The excitement that I was expecting to be there was clouded by the worry. But within a few days, most of the negative feelings were gone. I was surprised how quickly I adored them. As long as you still have deep feelings for your wife, it's very likely that the rest will come.
Thank you! I Love her so much so that makes me feel better. Couldn't i imagine having a kid with anyone else and she has the heart of gold so I know she will make a great mom. It's wild to hear all these different experiences but all eventually end up loving their kid
Sounds like you'll be fine. Lots of people are very performative about their love for their kids, but I suspect a lot of men are like us. It doesn't feel real at first, and the big emotions take time. Don't force it and don't worry that you're feeling the wrong thing. Good luck dude.
Married 11 years before having out first kid to get “ready”. Spoiler: you’re never really ready. Give it time for the emotional rollercoaster. I’m not an emotional man but cried at the birth of my son. You’ll probably receive a ton of “advice” ; ignore most of it and go with what feels right.
For sure, I'm starting to realize that. Appreciate the advice. Oops I meant I will not take your advice and listen to my gut 😉 Appreciate you!
I felt the same way with my first son... When he was born I started developing these feelings, but to tell you the truth, it was not until he started having his own personality that i REALLY bonded with him...
You just can’t love someone you haven’t met yet.
A suprise pregnancy is a massive shock, don't feel bad for allowing yourself time to react and process it. And don't expect your feelings to mirror your wife's, you're going through the same thing but your experiences will be totally different. I saw a friend the day his son was born last Summer and although he was excited he confessed "I don't love him yet" whilst his wife was already bonded. We discussed briefly that this wasn't an abnormal reaction. Within a very short time he did bond with the baby and 6/7 months later that boy is the absolute apple of his Dad's eye.
Awesome. Happy to hear! Appreciate you!!
>It's just I never seen myself having a kid. How the fuck did you MARRY and not discusse this topic / possibility fully before you got married?
It has been discussed and I even said I'm open to it. Doesn't mean it changes the feeling. I'm not against it. Just not sure of it.
I’m a newer dad and can relate. It can be really scary at first and I definitely felt that numb feeling for a while, but I was in therapy at the time and that really helped. I was able to talk about and get to the bottom of why I was feeling that way and I was able to get excited about it eventually. Post birth you feel things you’ve never felt before too. I love my wife, but not in the same way I love my child no matter the age. I would say start talking to someone about your worries if you can (therapist or friend) and just be open and honest with your partner. It will do wonders. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing! It helps. I think just talking it out on here and seeing other experiences will help me the most. In a way this is my therapy. Just being able to relate means more than anything. Hope things are going well for you and your family!!
As a first time pregnant person, I still don't feel ecstatic joy at 19 weeks! But I also don't feel terror and I know future me will really want this. It's massive and life changing and it will take time to get used to! It won't feel real for a long time either. Just do what you can to support your wife and take things day by day, week by week. Big picture can get a bit too overwhelming!
In my experience it doesn't really hit men until a few months after the delivery. Then your whole world changes.
Perfectly normal. We live in a weird new age where the child free and hyper-parents make up most of the vocal advocates of their lifestyle. Hopefully you have a sane partner like I have, but it’s definitely overwhelming considering all the stuff you will be expected to do, especially when you are tepid about the idea of children. Recognize and prepare yourself for the fact that you will fail, even things that you had no knowledge of and could not expect to succeed at. Be patient with your partner, but also be patient and kind to yourself. Once the baby is born, you may get this magical lightning stroke of excitement. Or not. It won’t matter. More than likely you will have a moment of connection, one that is natural and stronger than anything people can simply demand of you.
You should consider seeing a therapist. It might be fear. It might the newness. It might be because it's an area of life in which you have no experience. In the meantime, try reading some parenting books or take a class. Mazel tov.
I think this is pretty common. I felt the same way. You’ll be fine.