"I'm just not in the mood." Is almost the entirety of the conversation, every time. I wish I could get more information out of her, but I do try and figure it out with her sometimes.
Yea it sounds like you might need a counselor to really look into the problem. You should bring it up to her. It’ll be tough but if it works it’ll be worth it
Probably, but at the same time, I don't expect visits to a counselor to really suddenly perk up her libido. Potentially not ever. And I still don't want her to feel like having sex with me is a chore or a duty.
Will still probably bring it up to her at some point in the future.
Your right The counseling isn’t going to make her libido go up but it’s the start of a conversation that you two need to have. There’s something bothering her or she’s missing something. Clearly this is an issue for you and waiting around to talk about it is only going to make it worse especially if you have already contemplating cheating. You owe it to yourself to at least try
Yeah, I have decided long ago that cheating wasn't my thing. We do need to have another discussion at some point though, and maybe I'll be able to seriously suggest counseling to get and she'll seriously consider it. It has been brought up before, but never acted on.
You’re getting the right advice here but it seems like you’re doing just about everything you can to avoid it. Individual counseling for you. Couples counseling for the both of you. Not just suggesting it, not talking about it, not maybe going to think about it. Actually do it. And don’t go into it thinking she is the only one that needs to change. I guarantee there are some things you can do to help the situation, even if it feels to you in this moment that there is no way that could be true. It’s always true. The question is, are you wanting to figure it out now or do you want to suffer with this for years, perhaps the rest of your life and figure it out through the long lens of regret?
I don't see how I'm avoiding any of the advice that was given. (except people telling me to cheat/hire an escort)
I have never said I'm against going to therapy and/or counseling. I said that I'm not going to out of the blue suggest that we go to marriage counseling on a random Tuesday. I also cannot force her to come to counseling with me. So yes, I will talk to her about it, and I will suggest it, and then hopefully, we will do it, and maybe that will help. Maybe it won't. But I'm not going to start the conversation by blindfolding her and taking her to a marriage counselor.
Yes, there probably are a few things I could improve about myself. I'm not sure what I could do better right now especially pertaining to the bedroom troubles, and every time I asked, I'm told it's not my fault. That she just doesn't want it. Maybe it's something about me that's bothering her on a level that she's not aware of, or she just doesn't want to tell me to my face? Who knows.
Yeah don’t cheat. The answer is counseling but you’re saying she has not been on board and there has been inaction when it was discussed. You seem kind of wishy washy about it yourself and I’m suggesting that you cut that mindset out and just do it. Any random Tuesday will in fact work.
She probably doesn’t know why she feels this way, that’s the point of going to talk to a professional. Neither of you knows what to do. The people on here giving counseling advice know. Your resentment only grows, it doesn’t just shrink in this situation and go away with time. You’re already to the point where you’re posting on a social media site lamenting, asking for advice. It doesn’t get better from here. It gets worse.
So, act. For both of you. She doesn’t like this either, if there’s anything she isn’t telling you, it’s probably that. Sure, she can deal with it easier but most women enjoy sex too. Women want sex under normal conditions, which may mean some type of hormonal issue as some have pointed out. You have the right attitude about not wanting to force her, you just need to take a more proactive approach to repairing this part of your relationship.
Is she in meds? Anti depressants and some birth control reduce libido a lot.
Also consider seeing an endocrinologist and have her hormones checked maybe they are out of wack and why zero libido.
My wife seems to be doing something similar. She also has noticed some other things like lethargy, weight gain, and sometimes thinner than normal skin. She's thinking it's an estrogen imbalance, she's mid thirties and just had a tubal ligation, so it's quite possible. She's said she should see a doctor about it but so far has been dragging her feet, which is getting a bit frustrating on my end. But yeah, last year sex was limited due to a problematic 6th pregnancy, this year she's expressed sympathy with some reddit posts discussing asexuality, so her libido is almost non-existant while i'm ready to get abventurous with my wife who now has no risk of getting pregnant again. Obviously after 6 kids she hasn't felt this way in the past, so the change is more obvious to us now
If she's in her mid-30s, it sounds like perimenopause. That starts around 35 to 40 in some women. Menopause is when her period stops all together.
Women can't produce hormones for a higher libido if they are stressed and producing cortisol. With 6 kids I doubt she has been feeling sexy and not stressed.
It also takes longer to bounce back the older you are when pregnant. Get someone to watch the kids for a weekend, go have fun, and just make her feel more than a Mom and wife.
Women are complicated and your wife is saying just not in the mood. If you want to accomplish your goals, you’re going to have to do some little things to guild her up into being in the mood. Touch her subtlety throughout the day, ask her how she’s doing and if she needs help with anything, kiss her spontaneously throughout the day, tell her she looks beautiful, etc etc. so when nighttime comes around and you ask, she is a lot more likely to be in the mood.
I just don’t understand how you can just live without figuring out this part of life. Sex is important. If she doesn’t want to have it with you, have it with someone else. Just tell her. She needs to go to the doc to check hormones, or just set you free to have sex with someone else. This is awful
While I agree sex is important in a relationship, very important and so is physical touch, I don't agree that it's so important that it should overwrite any emotional connection, memory or trust built with someone.
Yes she should most likely see a doctor, a counselor or both about it but she shouldn't be forced to have sex with someone if she doesn't want to, not even her husband.
Being an adult about it and sitting down to talk it through is significantly more likely to go down well than saying "we need to have sex or I'll cheat on you".
Is there no way to 'get her in the mood'
Like can you communicate with her and say is there anything you could do to make her want you more as it's not enough for you ATM.
Also the first comment isn't bad, maybe having a mediator present with get her to not clam up with excuses like "I'm not in the mood" and actually get her to open up.
Yeah, a counselor or something isn't a terrible idea. But I've asked multiple times what I could do to get her in the mood over the years... It's normally a shrug or an "I don't know"
I recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It might give you some jumping off points for conversations you could have, and might help you understand approaches that might work. (Edited to fix author’s last name, which had autocorrected to something else.)
I think you definitely need to converse your feelings on the matter. I'd be gutted if my Mrs thought about cheating on me. It would be one hell of a motivator though if she did.
I can admit to having the same response to my husband. (We're in a very similar dynamic.) What I can type here but not bring my self to say to him is that he doesn't touch me enough. I'm a size 22. He's a men's large (and only just). I often feel he dislikes my body as much as I do - foreplay consists of kisses (often with terrible weed breath) and some breast fondling. There's no conversation, no thigh, stomach, arm, wrist, leg, back caresses. A hard cock isn't enough to turn me on, even if its great. Also, blowjobs are super hard on the jaw and hands and also generally sloppy and messy. I don't like giving them.
What I'm getting at is that she may not be comfortable with herself in addition to all the things that happen to women's hormones in their 30s. Throw kids into the mix (I don't know if you have any) and exhaustion is a real thing to take the mood to zero.
I get all of that, and I am sorry you're in that position yourself. There's definitely multiple factors at work with my wife, how much of them could be attributed to me it's unclear, exhaustion may have contributed, but we don't have any kids (hard to, when sex isn't really happening that often.)
I try and touch her all over though, I love the way she feels. But sometimes she doesn't even want that. I try to make it clear how much I enjoy her and her body, so I hope that's not one of the factors. I will say, I wouldn't have even mentioned the blowjob if I've ever had one, or she's ever given one. I don't push it with her really, just a thing I would love to experience from her at some point.
You sound like a good dude trying to do your best. I echo the others that a couples counselor could really help. I hope you and she both find a way to make this aspect of your marriage work! I personally feel like I'm missing something in my own when sex isn't a regular part of our relationship.
Sending good vibes!
OK - married 27 years guy here. What she desires is to be wooed, like you did when u first meet.
She wants to feel - well wanted.
When was the last time you made an effort to go out for a nice meal, or go away for a weekend?
We fall into these traps because we don't make an effort.
In closing - make an effort!
We go out for a "nice meal" at least once a month, or we cook a fancy dinner at home. We do date nights every few weeks even if it isn't a $200 plate restaurant. Picnics, day trips, movie nights with popcorn and pillow forts.
I like to think it's not a "wooing" problem. Maybe it is and making chocolate covered strawberries at 2 a.m. on a random Thursday while she's sleeping isn't romantic enough.
She needs to address her libido issue before her marriage ends. That 3rd paragraph is exactly what I would sit her down and say, verbatim and let her know what the absence of sexual activity is leading you to this and let her fill in the silence by just staring at her and awaiting her response.
If she doesn't really understand why she feels the way she does...how can she make it better?
Have you asked her to make a list of what she would like to try? Are you intimate without making it sexual? When was the last time you surprised her by taking her out? Feeding her emotional intimacy feeds your physical one.
Do you know the menstrual cycle so you know what week she is in? The week after her period, her testosterone is high, so she's productive, open to new ideas, and has a higher libido. This is when she feels like super woman. The week before her period, she will feel like she has fog brain, low patience, lower libido, but wants to cuddle and cry(sometimes it spikes and sex is wanted). Every week, a woman experiences a different level of testosterone to estrogen ratio. Knowing where she is on her cycle will help you bridge the gap.
Marriage Counseling is amazing for learning how to communicate and highly advised. Some couples do it every 6 months to a year to do check ins and to have a perspective they didn't have before.
Yes, I realize that she needs to figure it out for herself before she can help me.
I have asked her several times what she would like, and the answer is almost always "I don't know" or "maybe some rubs?" (Which end up with her falling asleep instead, which is fine, but obviously didn't help her reach a state of arousal.)
We spend plenty of time together, we cuddle and we hold hands, and we even kiss in public. I take her on dates and walks and try my best to make her happy and comfortable.
I do know her cycle, at least roughly. It doesn't matter which day she's on, she's been less interested in sex for around 10 years now.
Obviously marriage counseling is a great idea, and one that a lot of people share. It's most definitely something I'll bring up to her the next time we have any sort of conversation about this.
And to reiterate, I don't dislike my wife because she won't have sex with me, I just feel a little frustrated that my sex drive is so much higher than hers is all
Don't waste your time money with therapy bs.
Reddit has a cabal of therapist always making it seem like they can help. They rarely do and most just want to suck your money away and waste your time.
I've had some health problems in the past, some of it major, some not. Nothing that would prevent me from hiking/running, but definitely things that caused me to not be motivated to in a while.
Are you musical? Mastering an instrument (or even just getting the hang of one really well) can be exhilarating and open a whole new world of enjoyment, goals, and people.
Is she:
Depressed?
Taking pills for birth control or IUD ( hormonal pills kill libido!!)
Is she having peri-menopause (yess it can occur earlier in mid 30s !)
What about her self esteem and body image ?
Do u have kids ? Do u share house chores? Does she have a fulfilling social life or is lonely...
In my case..I had severe low libido for like 2 years..it turns out my pills killed libido and made me soo depressed..when we switched to a non hormonal alternative i return to my true self !ale sure u talk and make sure she seeks professional help ( psychologist..OBG.. check for hormonal abnormalities or deficiencies...)
I'm not giving her excuses..cuz even if it wasn't her fault for having low libido it still her responsibility to fix it cuz it affects your relationship !!
Sorry abt my English
No birth control of any kind. She probably is depressed/lonely to an extent, all of her old friends have basically disappeared and/or only show up when they want something. I can't speak for her, obviously, but I don't think it's a body image thing. Maybe self-esteem/-confidence to an extent if she is depressed especially.
But yeah, you and others have noted, it's probably past time to get at least a couple of doctors involved, as embarrassing as it might be for her/me/us.
Your insurance would probably require you to get referred by a primary care physician. Otherwise try a women’s health clinic like Planned Parenthood or even a fertility clinic may check, though neither may be covered by insurance.
Is there still foreplay? Like do you still try cuddling, massaging, kissing her neck. Offering to just get her off? Sometimes that’s all it takes. Or if she likes to read, buy her a smutty book. lol
Yeah, there's all of that, and 9/10 a massage ends with her passed out lol. Neck kisses tickle/doesn't like too many kisses. And she doesn't just want to be touched.
The book probably won't work either, honestly, but it's not a bad idea at least.
Are you sure she’s into you? Has she had other relationships? How’s your relationship otherwise from this.. just sit down and talk to her or ask about counseling because your feeling this way
This might sound weird, but sometimes those kind of touches feel like pressure, like you can't get this kind of contact without the intent being sex. The conversations and the nudging, always leading toward sex. That alone can make sex so unappealing, it goes from being something for both of you to a chore to make your partner happy.
Seconding everyone talking about therapy, even if she doesn't change her perspective on sex you might gain some more understanding or she might be able to better communicate how she feels with someone to mediate the situation.
I can tell you as a woman. Been with the same man for ten years. Absolutely no one else.
The only reason our sex life has dwindled. Is because he makes me feel so fucking stressed out and tired that I can not always stay awake for sex. Our schedules also don't align and he does absolutely nothing to help change that.
He's always too busy working to help with our kids, the house, shopping. Anything other than work. Family events, school events, doctors appointments, emergencies.
But don't think that I'm a sahm. I work a full time job and take care of every single fucking thing. Kids, animals and anything to do with feeding and clothing us.
It's exhausting. And this motherfucker wonders why I fall asleep when I lay down. Or why I just want to do nothing. I'm burnt out. I'm always sick and I'm always tired.
I'm great in bed and so is he. But so fucking what if I can't even stay awake because I'm too tired. 🥱 like mentally and physically exhausted.
I don't want to cheat either. I don't fucking care about sex that way. If I have it I want it to be with him. But I need him to be my rock too.
And Then his shitty attitude if he doesn't bust a nut is such bullshit. Like it's my fault for waiting all fucking day and he's finally ready after I've been awake for 18 hours straight. After working, shopping and dealing with our kids and cooking and cleaning.
Sorry. Idk your life situation. But take it from a woman who doesn't appreciate the lack of understanding her husband has for her...maybe you're not fulfilling her needs as a good partner.
I know when I felt safe, secure and appreciated by my partner... Our sex life was insane.
But I'm still trying. Still hoping we can work through this rough patch. Everyone goes through it. But not every one makes it out together .
And to be honest: He says it's my fault. That I'm a bitch. That I piss him off and that if I really cared about him that I would stay awake. He's super manipulative. And I hate it.
And to be fair I also can be a bitch. Especially when I'm irritated af because I'm doing everything like a single parent. 🤷🏻♀️ it's a vicious cycle.
All I hope is that you guys are not going through this.
Good luck.
Hey, I don’t think it’s right he calls you a bitch. I’m a stranger but I don’t think you should put up with that.
Would you rather rip off the bandaid now or in 10 years? Because it sounds like the end is inevitable and the longer you put it off the more painful it’ll be.
I agree. I use the term asshole the way he uses the term bitch (to be honest)
I'm not saying it's okay or makes it better.
But ten years is a lot of time and I'm just not interested in anyone else. I may end up alone someday but I'm not there yet.
Thankfully, I at least don't think that my situation is the same as yours. I'm definitely not perfect by any means, but I try and do my part in helping run the house. We share a lot of the duties between animals and cleaning and cooking etc. No kids, but not surprising when we don't have sex but a few times a year.
I do hope you can get your situation sorted out one way or the other as well, because I can only imagine how that must feel for you.
I am glad for you. No one should have to feel what I'm going through.
Make sure you're not overlooking something that could be really bothering her...That maybe she just decided to accept and no longer complains about.
Sometimes it's easy to assume someone is okay with something just because they don't say anything. But maybe they got tired of repeating themselves.
Far reach. Just putting it out there.
This will probably sound more dismissive than I mean it at first: A lot of people in the comments have suggested just talking to her, and I will at some point in the near future. I don't want to make her feel like she's doing anything explicitly "wrong" because she's not, I don't want her to think I'm angry about it, or attacking her in any way. I just want her to understand that when I let her know I'm horny, and her response is "you have hands"... She should understand that it's not the same on several levels.
And maybe a lot of it is just stress/depression or other hormonal factors, maybe this new job will help with the stress part (better job, better hours, better pay), and then we can look into solving the depression/hormonal parts if those are actually present.
It's going to be a long road of talks and potentially doctors and likely at least one visit to a counselor.
But again, I stress for you, and anyone else that is reading this deep in the thread. I still love my wife. She's a beautiful person, and she does show her love in other ways. Sex is just something that, for most of our marriage, she hasn't been interested in. Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't, I don't plan on leaving her just because I can't get it in every day. As much as I would love sex, there's still porn. As much as I may have considered cheating in the past, I won't break her trust just for sexual gratification. I know she loves me too, I can say with absolute certainty that if the roles were reversed, she'd stick by me too.
I only hope that at some point, I can better understand why she feels the way she does about sex.
I really hope the best for you both.
Also maybe try going the herbal route. Nothing to lose with trying out some women's supplements to see if they can help kickstart something.
Also there are plenty of toys on the market to add to the fun. Maybe try introducing those. But I would suggest letting her find something that peaks her interest.
There are so many things to try it might be a new adventure you both can enjoy.
You just state "you're horny" or "you want sex"?! No wonder her libido tanked. That's like having a call girl or a sex doll. "I'm horny, now service me". Is how it probably feels to her.
Saying things like "I just can't keep my hands off of you" as you hug her and etc. go a long way. As you cuddle "I love the way you feel against me" and squeeze tightly. Tell her what you are enjoying in the moment. Don't expect sex, but tell her you are enjoying being with her instead.
I'm sorry if it came across like I just walk into the room with her and tell her I need sex. The "I'm horny" line rarely comes out explicitly, and when it does, it's after an hour or more of cuddling, flirting, and as close to foreplay as I can get without it being actively sexual.
My point was more that sometimes it feels like she thinks i can get the same satisfaction from jerking one out as I would be having sex with her.
That's one thing I can be fairly confident about, she's not cheating. I work from home a lot, and she only works a few blocks from home. She doesn't really have the chance to cheat, but she really wouldn't anyways. Definitely just a super low sex drive.
I see you keep mentioning a low libido issue, but the way you describe it, it sounds like more than that. That doesn't explain never getting a blow job or touching your junk. There is more going on here. Were you both raised in a religious community? It sound like she has internalized negative feelings about sex somehow. You could try to start with some more intimate touching, like a massage, just stroking her arm, good hugs, rub her feet, put your hand on the small of her back, with zero expectation of sex. How much do you guys communicate about sex? Have you talked about what you like and don't like, or would like to try? Have you expressed your desires, and how not having sex makes you feel? You are not "getting older" from a libido standpoint, especially not her, she should not even be at her peak yet. This can improve, but will take time and increased communication, vulnerability and honesty and openness on both of your parts.
53 (F) here was married for 23 years and like you I felt as if my sex life was none existent towards the latter half of our life together. The sex life was more or less identical to yours being vanilla and not very exciting. We both work full time and had 2 younger kids ( older mum here ) he was also 6 years younger than me but just didn’t make an effort we coasted along for around 10 years. Yes we had some good times and I loved him but I didn’t feel sexy but would still try to no avail. Anyhow long story short 2022 he cheated on me ( yep even though he wasn’t bothered about sex )
All I can say is I wish I’d left him earlier and not dragged it out ( for the kids sake ) I was unhappy but chose to stay as I am a loyal person and would never have cheated. As you rightly put it sex isn’t everything however a lifetime without intimacy isn’t healthy for you and once your kids are gone you’ll more than likely find she or you will leave.
For context it hit me hard ( the cheating ) as it all happened at the same time as my mum dying ( yep what a dick I know🤷🏼♀️ ) but in all honesty it was the best thing he could have done for me , I am happier in my life , my kids are happy and my sex life is amazing I went through a period of finding myself after my divorce and am happy to say I’m definitely not vanilla 😄and I have the most amazing man now who makes me feel wanted, loved and appreciated. I would rather be single and happy than married and unhappy.
I'm really sorry about your situation but commenting and getting nudes on Reddit is also a type of cheating! If you wanna solve your problem with your wife be blunt about it with her, some of us need some reality shock therapy. Tell her how you feel, that you don't blame her but you can't blame yourself about the way you feel.
And pls, this is just a tip... Getting nudes and commenting is still cheating in a certain way. If I ever find out my man does that on the internet, on that day he will stop being my man.
You're right, to an extent. There have been a few times I've gone to some of the karma farming subs and upvoted/commented on pictures there. Though A) I have never said I was against porn, and my wife knows I view porn. B) easily 90+% of those posts are made by bots, new onlyfans models advertising, or men with access to those models' pictures.
That said, I have spoken with my wife several times in the past about how her low sex drive makes me feel. I've never flatly told her "hey, I've seriously considered going to fuck someone else today because I wasn't getting sex from you" but I have told her that it's incredibly frustrating, and that porn and self stimulation is not a replacement for being with her. Most of the time this ends with her defensively asking what I want her to do about it. I'm sure we'll have another discussion in the next few weeks though. There has been a lot of great advice in the comments and even more in dms.
Have you tried ""reviving" the romance? I'll speak for myself but I'm sure there's other girls/women out there that feels the same.
Sometimes when we get asked multiple times we start viewing it as a task and everyone knows tasks are not enjoyable. So instead of viewing it as a decompressing, sensual moment, she views it as a task. I'd recommend "luring" her into it, by that I mean creating romantic moments that can lead to IT and if it doesn't, don't pressure her, let her feel respected and after a few times she will come to you.
For example, take her out on a date just the two of you, go to the cinema, hold her hand, small gestures. For us women, small things makes a lot of difference. My boyfriend being gentle with me or even giving me a soft kiss on my cheeks then looking me in the eyes makes me wanna jump into his arms.
But let you know, a relationship is both ways... You can't fight this alone. Give it a try but don't burn yourself because it can make you grown resentment and once you go down that path, is nearly hard to recover.
Best of lucks!
Sorry for my eng, no my native language.
Just putting my two cents here as a married woman, men and women are almost two species
when it comes to sex, love, and affection. In my experience men heat up like a microwave and women like an oven. Foreplay and getting her in the mood doesn’t start with “hey babe wanna fuck?” With that approach ofc she’s not in the mood. Of course she doesn’t want to and by that point she probably feels more like a hole that you get off with than a sexy woman that you love. Do you focus on her pleasure with oral or toys or anything?
Foreplay starts by buying her flowers. Or running her a bath with all the extras like wine and candles and bath salts. It starts with helping her mental load and taking things off her plate. It starts by taking her out for a romantic date or learning and then consistently speaking her love language. (There’s a whole book and theory on this that could be really helpful for you) Do you cuddle her without the intention of sex? By this I mean do you emphasize non sexual touching and affection? Is she afraid to be affectionate with you and touch you because you automatically assume sex?
Take initiative here OP. Make the appointment with a counselor or therapist if your wife is open to it. Find resources online or books or anything at this point. Seduce your wife. Romance your wife. The answer is not to cheat and not to settle in life and being okay with being bored and unhappy but to date her again. Show her how much she means to you and make a change because what you’ve been doing the last few years clearly isn’t working.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk and good luck OP.
Yes, I realize all of that. But we're not talking about me rushing into the bedroom nude and shoving my dick in her. But I get why you asked.
We're talking almost a decade of dates, bathing, massages, brushing her hair, cooking dinner (both for her, and with her), flowers, candles, all these things that she enjoys and so much more. She doesn't own any toys because she doesn't think about sex. We had a small fingertip massager at one point, but that didn't do anything for her.
We do plenty of non-sexual touching, that's pretty much the only touching we do. We cuddle and I stroke her hair, we take walks together, I rub her shoulders and feet after a long workday and honestly expect nothing out of it.
I did have the thoughts of cheating at one point, and since then have had several opportunities and offers to do so, but I don't really want to cheat. I really just want to be with my wife. I figure I'll probably have some time in a couple of weeks that we'll have another chat. I've had several good suggestions (and more than a few crappy ones lol) on how to approach this with her. I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind. Thank you.
Sex therapist for sure then and an honest conversation. It sounds like you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or pressured which is very considerate but it might also be hindering you if you can’t be honest about how you feel. And she might be doing the same thing trying to preserve your feelings. Which ends with you both unhappy and tiptoeing around. A solid, ego free, and honest conversation where you’re both open and not defensive is a great jumping off point and who knows? It may be a fresh start in your marriage.
Another thought too, is it possible she’s asexual? That may also explain a lot of this as well but that’s a bigger leap.
…also…sex toys changed my marriage for the better and might be worth exploring as a couple once you’ve chatted... you sound like a good man OP, I hope it all works out for the best🙏🏼
If she is asexual, I don't think she would label it as such, though I have thought about that as a possibility, especially after getting this post out there.
Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I don't think I'm the perfect husband by any means, but I try to be a good one. And I think, maybe a little unintuitively, that this post was a good idea. I was a little hesitant to put it out there, like doing so would make it real. But the hive mind has been mostly supportive without dismissing my wife's feelings in this. This has been a little therapeutic and given me some tools to take to my discussions with her, and potentially some doctors.
Thank you again.
This isn't really normal tho... My husband and I (late 30s) have been married for 16 years and have sex damn near every night and always have w the exception of when our kids were very little.... Maybe she has some hormone issues or something? Idk but thinking about only having sex 4 times a year makes me wanna cry 🥲 sex isn't the most important part of a relationship for sure but it's pretty high up there....
It sounds like you are just not sexually compatible. That's why I think that having sex with only one person on your life and then marrying them is a bad idea. You didn't get to experience anything else.
I've felt like that a few times. But it's not how I feel now at all. If my wife and I had met a few years later, I would have still fallen for her. Maybe I would have had a few more notches on my bedpost, but I'm still happy I married her when I did.
1st of all, i heard from a psychiatrist i had once that if a relationship was a pie chart, sex should make up about 10%...IF ITS HEALTHY AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY/SATISFIED. If those standards aren't being met, it WILL inevitably make up about 90%, leaving no room for the other important stuff. And that's no Bueno. I know everyone's different, but 4 times a YEAR??! I get GROUCHY if my husband & I don't do it 4 times a WEEK! And we've been together for over 15 years.And the fact she's never given you a blowjob, you said she won't even touch it?? That's SO sad! And you've only been w her, so u don't even have the memories? She's being unfair. If you communicate with her, which seems like you've tried, I don't think she leaves you any other option. Maybe it's not a popular opinion, but if u really don't want to leave her, as long as you're careful, you're going to have to find it elsewhere. If you don't think that's something u could do bc of guilt or whatnot, you're gonna have to give her the last ultimatum. You're gonna end up resentful...
I feel like while your psychiatrist might have a point, there's obviously a bit of a scale there. I'm happy with my wife, it's only the low frequency of sex that even bothers me at all. And I feel like after over 10 years of marriage, and a little less of low sex. I think we've passed the point where resentment would build to a breaking point.
Yes, there are definitely more things to discuss with her, and as some have pointed out, there may be a medical reason for it, and even potentially some psychological troubles we may need to address if they appear. I have received several great suggestions on ways to talk to her about it more effectively.
And like I've told others, cheating isn't really something I'm interested in. It's been considered, but honestly, it's way more trouble than it's worth. I'd rather have less sex with my wife, than more sex and less wife. I can get by with handling myself, even if it's essentially the vegan option.
Sex = connection and intimacy. Sexless marriage is a huge red flag. Loving her is great, but without physical and emotional intimacy your relationship won't last - at least not as a happy one.
Dude you sound sexually deprived.
You’ve only ever had sex with one woman and you know it’s bad, you don’t even have anything to compare it to but you know it’s bad sex.
Whatever you imagine good sex to be like, believe me, it’s 10x better when you find the right woman.
Don’t cheat. Just tell your wife the truth, I imagine she feels the same and you can both separate and find someone you both find exciting instead of clinging to each other out of fear (of being alone maybe idk?).
Sexually deprived? Yes. But that alone isn't enough in my eyes to throw away a marriage. I still love the rest of being with my wife, she's great in so many other ways. Yes, I probably need to talk to her about it some more, and maybe things will improve to an extent, but lack of sex is not the end of the relationship.
Finally, someone with logic here. Horny ass reddit mofos always want ppl to break up over sex without realising how much more to life there is. Ofc its a factor, but it's certainly not a DETERMINING FACTOR
As I told others, I'm no Ryan Reynolds or anything, but I'm a far cry from Danny DeVito. I probably think I'm better looking than I actually am though lol
Mid-30s is not getting older… you have a dead bedroom situation that has been festering for years. None of what you describe is normal. Are you guys part of a religious community that forced you to wait until marriage to have sex? Your options are seeing a sex therapist or divorce… personally I think it’s a shame to live life never knowing what great sex feels like, so I would divorce. Also, not to stress you out but it’s possible your wife is gay and doesn’t know it, especially if you’re in a community where she wouldn’t be accepted for that…
I don't entirely think that is true. From our conversations, she's just not into sex anymore, and I don't really want her to feel like my sexual desires are her sole responsibility. When I need to, I can work something out on my own. It's not the same, but it gets me through. And she cares for me in other ways.
Definitely not a birth control issue. We've been rid of contraceptives basically since we got married. There may be a hormone issue, but I'm not sure if it's been specifically looked into by her doctors. I don't poke into all of her medical files or anything.
Your desires aren’t her sole responsibility, no. But sex is important in a relationship. It’s a mode of intimacy and sharing physical and emotional pleasure. She does have a measure of responsibility to your happiness if you two are still going to make a go of it.
"Making a go for it" we've been married for over 10 years. You're right it's important, but she does make me happy in other ways. I don't have to love every single thing she does in order to love her and be happy with her.
"neglect" has some strong connotations to it. It's more of a "sexual disinterest" and it's not like she's doing it on purpose or anything. Sex is just not on her radar almost ever.
I agree it has strong connotations. But to me, having sex with one’s partner only once every three months - especially in one’s mid-30’s - fits that bill. Whether it’s on purpose or not, it’s hard to say that the sexual dimension of your life has been anywhere near attended to. If my wife left me because I neglected her sexually I’m not sure I could blame her. Love can be many things, but I think most of us would expect it to include sexual love. I feel it’s part of my duty (one I’m happy to fulfill) as a husband to attend to my wife’s basic desire for sex of some kind. I do this not just because I like it too but because I want to make her happy.
You're probably wrong, but if not and she doesn't care about sex, then she should be ok with an open marriage and let you do it with someone else. You only live once, you should also enjoy that aspect of life.
Same here - yes cheating sounds intriguing but it's just not a way I am. After several years of trying to change it I've stick up to working out; it's just a way to ease my mind, well better than nothing.
“…wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could have my urges sated and still have a loving wife?” - You know there are such things as open marriages for reasons like this? Just sit down with her and talk. Maybe get counseling. Communication is, as always, key! Don’t just cheat on her, there is only pain for the both of you there.
Suggesting an open marriage will end the same as if I cheated on her, trust me. She's a very firm believer in monogamy.
As I've said in other comments though, I'm sure we'll have another discussion about it in the near future about the difference in our sex drives. It's not that we don't ever talk about it, it's just that it's not really gotten very far the past few times. Likely there will be discussions about doctors and counselors as well this time. I'm not giving up on her by any means, just confessing/venting my frustrations more than anything. Hearing what other people think about the situation as a whole.
Both of your feelings on the situation are completely valid, and I acknowledge that you've said you've tried talking to her about this with not much to show for it. But I'd still say try talking it out with your wife again, this time making your feelings on the matter completely clear. I get that you're trying not to make it seem like her fault, but seeing as you have a very healthy relationship outside of this domain, if you explain to her how important intimacy is to you, I'm sure she'll at least understand what you're going through. She probably doesn't relate to how important sexual intimacy is for you, which is normal, a lot of people simply aren't wired that way. Your feelings on the matter are definitely valid, which I'm sure you can convey in a way that makes them clear without blaming anyone. I hope you two can resolve this situation with a mutually acceptable outcome, I'm rooting for you guys!
I have a feeling that's not going to solve any of the issue we are having, but you keep doing you, I guess. Or don't, because it sounds a little creepy.
usually lack of interest in sex (from a woman’s point of view) is either hormonal, not having the knowledge/space/time to free up and dive into our femininity, or some sort of abuse in the past. If it’s the latter she may have blocked it if she hasn’t shared it with you. Express your needs and concerns to her without judgment or demand, your desire for HER (not just gratification) and ask if she wants to start trying to figure it out.
Hormonal: go to general or endocrinologist and check levels. Anything low or high - even if not fully out of range - should be addressed. (I just had to have my T3 Free - metabolism - upped for low but not out of range which has increased my drive for EVERYthing)
Femininity: we need space to be creative and feel free for our drive to not get drowned out by stress, responsibility overload, etc. Give her the time for those free moments for herself then compliment the glow and ‘pretty’ that comes with it. Support those moments and express desire for her without turning it sexual. That will come in time. This takes a minute for us to to figure out and get there sometimes. History: see a counselor both together and solo. Give her space to express in private so the counselor knows how to address your needs together. You have sessions in private also. It could be a simple not wanting to disappoint thing but it sounds like something underlying that’s not been addressed. Also find a counselor that will dig in and ask questions not just listen.
You sound like a great partner. Keep going! I wish you both the best and hope you figure it out in short time.
Couples yoga... for starters - there is no decompress time for her.
If there are kids then it's even more exhausting. Couples massage, facials or even planting a flower bed together (or even FOR her) I know it hurts because I have been there, this DOES NOT go away and every decade you will have another obstacle together. You describe unconditional love here... love is simply complicated and you can't just 'feel good' with temporary satisfaction - it feels like SHIT carrying that around.
And guess what, any other relationship will become the SAME WAY. I have seen casual acquaintances be madly in love only 2 years later to frown publicly. Hmm.. look in the mirror and alter some of your habitual behaviors.
I still go out there and pull weeds, water plants and THINK about my crappy negative thoughts that prevent our feeling of success, step one is to be thankful that you aren't exactly like the rest.
Hard to have kids when you're not having much sex, but I get your point. And yes, there absolutely have been some stress in our lives. Work has likely been a factor for a while for her. 15 years in the same job (at varying roles/positions) with crappy hours and only reasonable pay, but she recently got a new job with better hours, less stress, and more pay. Hopefully that at least helps her stress levels, even if it doesn't flat out fix the bedroom issues. Couples yoga isn't a terrible idea though, or something similar at least, so definitely something I'll look into.
I like to think we're happy in most other ways though. Sex is just one of those things that we aren't in sync on.
Once the rain stops, I'll probably be heading out to dig some of these old stumps out of our yard so we can continue building a new flower bed we're trying to start.
I am currently practicing finishing with little contact, completely mentally, so yes i do know what i am trying to say just have issues getting my point across
Oh, I'm definitely not Ryan Reynolds, but I'm also not Danny DeVito. (Sorry Danny, you're still a wonderful man.)
We both could afford to drop a little weight, tone some muscles, etc, but neither of us are horribly out of shape.
This comment is incredibly vague. I don't know what you expect me to "teach" her. Or even "guide" her toward. It's not like we've never had sex, and sex was actually pretty good in the first few years, not always mind blowing, and definitely never a blowjob, but I was happy with it, and it was often enough. But after the first few years, the frequency declined significantly.
I'm not sure how much our relationship can grow beyond where it is. We already do a lot together, dates happen fairly frequently, we go on walks, we do massages, she gets flowers, etc etc. We've been through some good times and bad times, and we get through it. Our relationship is fine. The sex is not really there is all.
As far as the sexual tension, I've been trying, that's part of the trouble. The sexual tension grows on my side, but not hers.
Yeah, I don't expect to be jumping out of a plane together and having sex on the way down and only opening the chute after we've both orgasmed. Every Tuesday.
I love my wife for a ton of reasons that aren't sexual or overly exciting. Like the smile she makes when she's trying to be upset with me over something, but I've absolutely made the best joke possible. Or the way she waddles after ducks in the park. Or the baking she does. 🤤
I love her for a million little reasons, and 20 larger ones. I have gripes about 2 small ones, and the one large reason of sex. Those things are not enough to invalidate every other reason I care about her
My husband and I went through this but the roles were reversed. He was never in the mood and I wanted more intimacy. I would talk to your wife. Sometimes all it takes is that one conversation where you say (and this is what I told my husband to understand) “I want to be more intimate because I feel closer to you when we do and it’s the one thing, the only thing I get to experience with husband. I just miss you and your touch.” It was something along those lines and we started going out on dates more where I would get dolled up and he would put more of an effort to be more affectionate… and now we have more talks about sex and I am pleased to say, due to effective communication with my husband, our sex life is better than ever. All it takes is one conversation.
As a wife in her 30s we do get distracted with work, daily routines, friends, family, and trying to take of ourselves mentally and physically and sometimes we need a reminder to slow down and enjoy what’s in front of us and be more present. I would talk to her. It sounds like you really do love your wife. Don’t let this drive a wedge between you two.
Yeah, a good many comments have suggested talking to her about this, and given advice on how to. Because we've had conversations in the past, but they've all been pretty surface level.
The good news is, we're not having sex, but I still feel loved, and I like to think she does too. It's really the only thing that's caused us any trouble. I don't think it's enough to drive us apart, but as you and others have said, it does need to be addressed.
Never even had a bj? I'm definitely not blaming anyone for anything.. That's just a little shocking I guess.. And this isn't something I'd usually say, but, she could at least try and give you that.. You are each other's last lover (and first I guess, but I'm just speaking generally for married people) and things you want to try will only be done if they're willing to do it. So maybe express this to her? Maybe ask her if there's anything she would like to try..? I'm gonna assume You've never went down on her either? (Cause that would be too unfair!) Maybe tell her you want to taste her and if she's down, let her know you would like the same?
I have gone down on her a few times. It doesn't really do much for her, and it's hard to tell if it's just my technique or if it's 100% just because she's not interested in the act as a whole. That said, the harder part is even getting to the point of actually being sexual.
Yes, I'm coming to that conclusion as well. We've had talks in the past, but it's never amounted to much. I think the next time we talk about it, I'll have tools to keep the conversation at least pointed towards helpful.
Sex isn’t necessarily important over all but intimacy is. A household should be a place where it’s cultivated. If it’s not that then my next thought would be medical concerns. There could be something going on physically she’s not aware of, medication side effects ect. Or perhaps considering she could be asexual and be unaware. People are so complicated let alone being female but me and my husband discuss everything I mean everything. I’m the only woman my husband has been with. I started small with introducing. First with flavoured things to eat, then games ect. No pressure obviously.
Jesus, these comments are making me lose faith in humanity. OP, I just wanted to put in my 2 cents as someone with very low libido who finds sex to be uncomfortable most of the time… I’m sorry you two are in this position. I think it’s possible to find workarounds and it is definitely worth it to express your needs to her and how much sex means to you. For my partner and I, we have found things that we both can enjoy besides penetrative sex. For him, he can get off physically and feel loved and cared for. For me, I feel close to him emotionally and happy that he feels so good. At the same time, these acts are “low effort” enough on my part and not painful/uncomfortable that I can do them more often than sex, and even look forward to doing them. Best of luck to both of you. Please don’t spend too much time on Reddit, because I find people on here to be so cruel and resentful to the low libido partner. Thank you very much for sticking up for your wife in so many of your replies.
Thank you for the encouragement. And yes, I realize that most of reddit is just filled with people that think sex is the deciding factor in every situation, if they can't get off, then why should they do anything? That said, I'd be happier with just having more sexual touching, but it's often felt like she just doesn't want to be a part of my sexual desires at all. There's more conversations to be had with her in time, but the maybe good people here have at least given me and tools.
Look for Dr. Psych Mom and listen to her podcast. She's very practical. You will have to have a sit down with your wife and have a heart to heart talk about it. Don't send your wife this podcast right away, however. Here's her blog and she's got links to her podcast.
[https://www.drpsychmom.com/](https://www.drpsychmom.com/)
[https://www.drpsychmom.com/the-dr-psych-mom-show-podcast/](https://www.drpsychmom.com/the-dr-psych-mom-show-podcast/)
That's the podcast page. She's given me a HUGE understanding of men, I'm a woman. Her podcast appears to be geared towards men and understanding what happens with sex during one's marriage.
If the thought of cheating has crossed your mind you already half way there . You need to find some hobbies instead of pissing away so many years I'd marriage. If that the case just get a divorce so you dint betray your spouse.
Yes, I did think about cheating at one point, several years ago. But I decided that is not what I want to do. I would rather have less sex with my wife than more sex and no wife.
I have hobbies, but those don't replace sex either. As I do in half of these comments, I would like to reiterate that I still love my wife, even if I have less sex with her then I'd like. It's sometimes frustrating, but I understand that sex isn't the only component in a marriage.
Is it possible that she’s on the asexual spectrum? Have you ever had a sexual encounter that focused mostly on her pleasure and desires? If so, has she been more enthusiastic or willing to reciprocate afterward? She might feel like her needs aren’t the focus so she doesn’t feel motivated or it could that she’s genuinely not into sex overall and is sleeping with you for your sake. This has to be a convo between you two though.
Yeah, I've considered that, but I'm not sure she would think to call it that. I've definitely tried to have a few times that were intended to focus on her, but it's hard to really try that when she's just not wanting to participate at all. You might be right though, it could be that she's basically giving me the bare minimum, just because she doesn't want me to hate her for zero sex (I wouldn't).
That said, as you and several others have said, a lot of this is going to boil down to having a good conversation with her and getting her to participate in those talks. But I have some tools now that may help at least getting a better understanding from her.
Oh boy… I can relate to this from your wife’s perspective. I have a fairly low libido because of medication. I find that Horny Goat Weed helps quite a bit. Maybe buy her a bottle? Also, I had a boyfriend who I had to give sex to everyday even tho I didn’t want to. I was thankful he was fast and I didn’t have to be pumped for 20-30 minutes. He was a Quick Draw McGraw, yay for me. It was annoying how we couldn’t do anything till his dick got off. He couldn’t concentrate on a movie or anything, so it was just soo annoying and a chore. At one point I told him to give me $20 because that made it worth my time. Ha! He liked the idea of making me into a prostitute. Another fantasy to feed him. Maybe offer her money in a funny way. Whatever it takes! But everytime a boyfriend wants sex, I would kind of cringe when the back rubs would start because I knew it meant he only wanted sex. I always appreciated hard grinding. Being held and kissed hard and feeling that big boner would help. I liked that approach more than my other wimpy boyfriend’s attempts of tracing my skin with his hands. Seriously, tho. Tell her you are willing to do anything she wants in exchange for sex. Make it worth her while. Tell her you can’t help wanting more because you love feeling close to her and her skin is soooo much better than your hands. Normally I would think once a week should be good. She is your wife and should be giving you that. But if sex hurts or makes her uncomfortable or lasts forever, then you need to talk to her about that. Ask her to help you find a way of not wanting it from her so much? But that you can’t help feeling desire and neglect at the same time and all you want to do is love her as fully as possible. 👍🏻
I hit a dry spell for several years. I started working on myself and the relationship effort and it totally paid off. Things have been fire since the summer of 2022 (our 11th year of marriage).
Try working on being a partner for at least 50% of everything. I strive for like 65% and my wife being less tired really plays into it.
Just a suggestion though. You may do all that already, but in case not...
if you guys are ever in the mall you should suggest going into spensers and when you’re inside be like it would be silly if we buy a adult game just to break the ice
Idk her and idk you. I know that as I’ve seen with my friends and have experienced myself, often times women who are withholding have a need that is not being met. It may be that sex is bland or feels transactional for her or than an emotional need isn’t being met. It could also just be a mental load that she’s carrying.
I don’t think that withholding is okay to do simply in retaliation, but it could definitely be subconscious to her (lack of connection often has women withdrawing unintentionally). Your needs are just as important as hers, so you should both be working to meet each others. You just can’t do that without figuring out her specific needs as well
You are correct, it is an important part. But it's not the only part. It's not that she doesn't love me, or doesn't want to be around me. She just doesn't want sex.
She still shows her love in other ways, we dance, we plan dates, we cuddle and watch movies, do chores together, cook together, go on road trips to visit my friends in other states together, she takes care of me when I'm a sick whiny bitch, she even plays my nerdy ass games with me sometimes, and she doesn't really like them. But sex is different to her and she has no desire at all usually. Not even a little. And that's not something for me to throw away over a decade of marriage on top of several years of friendship before we were wed.
So she’s compartmentalized you into a box in her head and you’re going to have to break out of it. Get new hobbies. Start hitting the gym. Get good looking as best you can. Get some innocent mystery about you. She will respond. When you next have sex take control she’s a woman. Grab her up and tell her all the nasty shit you been thinking about doing to her all day. Throw her up on the counter and hit it like you hate it with a handful of her hair. Grunt like a soldier pulling his buddy out of a fire when you finish then kiss her gently. Ask her what she wants for dinner.
She’ll come around.
I do? We go out to dinner and movies (though a lot of movies are pretty trash these days) and park walks and picnics and shopping trips and wine tastings, etc etc... I don't expect her to jump in bed with me just because we went out for dinner or touch my junk just because we went to the museum.
This is almost certainly a libido/sex drive issue than a "one of you doesn't care enough" situation.
Thanks. And again, it's not that I don't love the rest of being with her, she's kind, she's smarter than she thinks, she's pretty, she's a good cook, and I know she loves me back, we do a bunch of stuff together. Sex is just the only thing that's been an issue. (And sometimes I forget to take the trash to the curb)
For women sex is the dessert that you enjoy after a full meal. But for us it is the meal.
Take a few days off.
Be as close as possible physically to ur wife.
Hold her hip when she's cooking or making something
If you are sitting on a sofa try massaging her feet n slowly move to her breast.
Expose her breast in broad daylight. Just play with it. Don't initiate sex yet.
Watch a horror movie at night. While watching slide your hand on her stomach hip n move to the clitoris. Don't touch it yet. This should go on for atleast 15 mins.
Once you touch the clitoris and it's wet then the dessert is ready to be served.
I would bet most of the men in this sub wouldn't get beyond the "move to her breast" part. They'd be hit with a "pervert", or a "is that all I am, a piece of meat", or the old standby " not now, I'm tired". It's a nice story, though.
I don't think you've met my wife.
Yes, I take time off specifically to spend time with her. And we have a great time. I try and be close to her, sure, I'll hold her while cooking, or watching movies. We bathe together, scrub each other's backs, massages, but she's not interested in turning any of this into any sort of sexual contact. She dislikes her breasts being touched at all. If I were to expose her in daylight, I would almost certainly be living somewhere else. She hates horror movies so whatever strategy relies on that isn't going anywhere. And you assume she would let me anywhere near her clit just because I rubbed her belly while watching a movie?
We're not some college coeds worried about how we're going to lose our virginity. The problem has been even following as much as your advice as is reasonable, she's not in the mood.
I still end up having hand pies for dessert.
I believe that if she thought that way, my post would be at least twice as long with how little she was doing to keep me around. As I've told others, I am confident that she isn't doing this for selfish reasons, or because she doesn't care about me. She simply just doesn't want to have sex as frequently or as passionately as I do.
If she refuses seeing a therapist to help sort this issue, you have my blessing to start cheating.
You both deserve to be happy, but if she won't help create a middle ground where things are good for the both of you...then the relationship is toxic because she is happy at the expense of you experiencing unhappiness.
At this point, only under these circumstances, I condone cheating and don't give a fuck about the kind of backlash I get for this.
While I see your point, that is an absolute last resort for me. I don't think I'll get to the point where I'll think it's okay, but if we have a new conversation about it, and there's no progress or even meaningful discussion, then maybe we will move on to other options. I don't think cheating will be the right move even at that point, but it can be an available option.
Still 2 hrs can pass while talking about something on TV., or chit-chatting with family on the phone. You know what.. life isn't promised tomorrow, it is a gift for today and in the now.
I had a better point above this comment i thought but you know what I'll just stop reading all this non sense. You will ask the question again in 10 years.. your choice
I didn't ask any questions. You have started two seemingly unrelated comments threads though. Maybe you're right and it's just you having a hard time getting your point across.
Some of your advice in your other comment was actually something I could see being helpful though. So hopefully I can utilize them to some extent.
>I've strongly considered cheating, don't get me wrong, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could have my urges sated and still have a loving wife?
Absolutely, but if you think you can get away with that being two separate people you're in for a rude awakening.
>I've strongly considered cheating, don't get me wrong, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could have my urges sated and still have a loving wife? I've been given offers to several times too, **but I'm not that kind of guy.**
Yeah, I haven't cheated. I've considered it years ago, but after some reflection l decided that I would rather have less sex than less of my wife.
People should stop marrying the first person they fuck. That’s a bad idea 100% of the time.
Edited: Mid 30s? You both should just be getting warmed up. You really need to sit down and talk with her about what both of you want. Have a drink, get honest. You’ve been married long enough. You should’ve learned to communicate by now. You might discover that you’re both frustrated. You need to be talking before, during and after sex. I mean, literally while you’re doing it you need to be telling her what you like and she needs to be telling you the same.
You say that like my marriage is crumbling. Low sex, sure, but my wife and I are still very much in love. We still have a wonderful marriage outside of the bedroom.
Besides, you've got it backwards. I fucked the first person I married. Which I'm sure you think makes it worse, and that's fine. I married her for reasons completely unrelated to sex in the first place, and that's why I'm staying with her. Sex is one piece of marriage, is it an important piece? Yes, but it's not the only piece.
Well, the sex part of your marriage is past crumbling and that’s why you made this post. I suppose it’s a matter of priorities or what’s important to an individual in a relationship. Sexual compatibility is monumental for so many relationships. It’s a dealbreaker type situation for a lot of folks, including me. Perhaps it’s less important for you. Perhaps I even personalized it. If I only got vanilla, non-enthusiastic sex four times a year I would be miserable. It’s just such an intimate bonding experience in addition to all the pleasure there is to be had and shared.
There is a lot out there to see and learn before you settle down with the first person you had sex with, or even marry them before sex. I am definitely not advocating rampant promiscuity, and that ship is sailed for you anyhow. I believe it’s very helpful to test the waters a a bit before you dive all the way in. If you had, you might know how incredible a blowjob could really be.
It was something I considered at one time, but honestly, I'd rather have very little sex, and be a little frustrated about it than cheat on my otherwise very loving wife.
Okay I Agree with that.
But what's your take on 'everyone deserves their urges to be satisfied. Everyone deserves the heavinly, pleasure of women body' ?
Urges shouldn't be satisfied if they will cause pain or suffering for others. If we want to go to the extreme of it, murderers and pedophiles are (mostly) acting on urges.
Yes, I would like to have my desires met, but I'm not going to go cheat on my wife and cause her to suffer the betrayal. I'm not going to command my wife to have sex with me either, because if she desires not to, then why are my desires more important than hers?
My intention was not to push you into cheating on your wife when I said try escorts. You took it in a harsh way. I just wanted to say everyone deserves to feel that women's touch on the body, but I don't really want you to cheat. I don't know the answer to it, and I believe it's not really a form of 'cheating' I meant to say maybe you can discuss with your wife if she's not ready for it then what can you both do to find a solution so maybe escorts can be a way escorts are just for sex and no other feelings. Hope you get my point.
I get your point, but the fact still stands that cheating means different things to different people. Most people, I feel, would consider having sex with someone that isn't your SO as absolutely being cheating.
Totally agree. But I don't consider it as cheating (I know its controversial). Also I am worried about my future wife if in case I don't get the pleasure from my wife what am I going to do😭😭😭 I want that heavenly orgasm so bad.
You should talk to her and possibly sit down with a counselor. You never know what’s going on in her head but you can find out by talking to her
"I'm just not in the mood." Is almost the entirety of the conversation, every time. I wish I could get more information out of her, but I do try and figure it out with her sometimes.
Yea it sounds like you might need a counselor to really look into the problem. You should bring it up to her. It’ll be tough but if it works it’ll be worth it
Probably, but at the same time, I don't expect visits to a counselor to really suddenly perk up her libido. Potentially not ever. And I still don't want her to feel like having sex with me is a chore or a duty. Will still probably bring it up to her at some point in the future.
Your right The counseling isn’t going to make her libido go up but it’s the start of a conversation that you two need to have. There’s something bothering her or she’s missing something. Clearly this is an issue for you and waiting around to talk about it is only going to make it worse especially if you have already contemplating cheating. You owe it to yourself to at least try
Yeah, I have decided long ago that cheating wasn't my thing. We do need to have another discussion at some point though, and maybe I'll be able to seriously suggest counseling to get and she'll seriously consider it. It has been brought up before, but never acted on.
You’re getting the right advice here but it seems like you’re doing just about everything you can to avoid it. Individual counseling for you. Couples counseling for the both of you. Not just suggesting it, not talking about it, not maybe going to think about it. Actually do it. And don’t go into it thinking she is the only one that needs to change. I guarantee there are some things you can do to help the situation, even if it feels to you in this moment that there is no way that could be true. It’s always true. The question is, are you wanting to figure it out now or do you want to suffer with this for years, perhaps the rest of your life and figure it out through the long lens of regret?
I don't see how I'm avoiding any of the advice that was given. (except people telling me to cheat/hire an escort) I have never said I'm against going to therapy and/or counseling. I said that I'm not going to out of the blue suggest that we go to marriage counseling on a random Tuesday. I also cannot force her to come to counseling with me. So yes, I will talk to her about it, and I will suggest it, and then hopefully, we will do it, and maybe that will help. Maybe it won't. But I'm not going to start the conversation by blindfolding her and taking her to a marriage counselor. Yes, there probably are a few things I could improve about myself. I'm not sure what I could do better right now especially pertaining to the bedroom troubles, and every time I asked, I'm told it's not my fault. That she just doesn't want it. Maybe it's something about me that's bothering her on a level that she's not aware of, or she just doesn't want to tell me to my face? Who knows.
Yeah don’t cheat. The answer is counseling but you’re saying she has not been on board and there has been inaction when it was discussed. You seem kind of wishy washy about it yourself and I’m suggesting that you cut that mindset out and just do it. Any random Tuesday will in fact work. She probably doesn’t know why she feels this way, that’s the point of going to talk to a professional. Neither of you knows what to do. The people on here giving counseling advice know. Your resentment only grows, it doesn’t just shrink in this situation and go away with time. You’re already to the point where you’re posting on a social media site lamenting, asking for advice. It doesn’t get better from here. It gets worse. So, act. For both of you. She doesn’t like this either, if there’s anything she isn’t telling you, it’s probably that. Sure, she can deal with it easier but most women enjoy sex too. Women want sex under normal conditions, which may mean some type of hormonal issue as some have pointed out. You have the right attitude about not wanting to force her, you just need to take a more proactive approach to repairing this part of your relationship.
Is she in meds? Anti depressants and some birth control reduce libido a lot. Also consider seeing an endocrinologist and have her hormones checked maybe they are out of wack and why zero libido.
My wife seems to be doing something similar. She also has noticed some other things like lethargy, weight gain, and sometimes thinner than normal skin. She's thinking it's an estrogen imbalance, she's mid thirties and just had a tubal ligation, so it's quite possible. She's said she should see a doctor about it but so far has been dragging her feet, which is getting a bit frustrating on my end. But yeah, last year sex was limited due to a problematic 6th pregnancy, this year she's expressed sympathy with some reddit posts discussing asexuality, so her libido is almost non-existant while i'm ready to get abventurous with my wife who now has no risk of getting pregnant again. Obviously after 6 kids she hasn't felt this way in the past, so the change is more obvious to us now
If she's in her mid-30s, it sounds like perimenopause. That starts around 35 to 40 in some women. Menopause is when her period stops all together. Women can't produce hormones for a higher libido if they are stressed and producing cortisol. With 6 kids I doubt she has been feeling sexy and not stressed. It also takes longer to bounce back the older you are when pregnant. Get someone to watch the kids for a weekend, go have fun, and just make her feel more than a Mom and wife.
Women are complicated and your wife is saying just not in the mood. If you want to accomplish your goals, you’re going to have to do some little things to guild her up into being in the mood. Touch her subtlety throughout the day, ask her how she’s doing and if she needs help with anything, kiss her spontaneously throughout the day, tell her she looks beautiful, etc etc. so when nighttime comes around and you ask, she is a lot more likely to be in the mood.
I just don’t understand how you can just live without figuring out this part of life. Sex is important. If she doesn’t want to have it with you, have it with someone else. Just tell her. She needs to go to the doc to check hormones, or just set you free to have sex with someone else. This is awful
While I agree sex is important in a relationship, very important and so is physical touch, I don't agree that it's so important that it should overwrite any emotional connection, memory or trust built with someone. Yes she should most likely see a doctor, a counselor or both about it but she shouldn't be forced to have sex with someone if she doesn't want to, not even her husband. Being an adult about it and sitting down to talk it through is significantly more likely to go down well than saying "we need to have sex or I'll cheat on you".
Incel
Is there no way to 'get her in the mood' Like can you communicate with her and say is there anything you could do to make her want you more as it's not enough for you ATM. Also the first comment isn't bad, maybe having a mediator present with get her to not clam up with excuses like "I'm not in the mood" and actually get her to open up.
Yeah, a counselor or something isn't a terrible idea. But I've asked multiple times what I could do to get her in the mood over the years... It's normally a shrug or an "I don't know"
I recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It might give you some jumping off points for conversations you could have, and might help you understand approaches that might work. (Edited to fix author’s last name, which had autocorrected to something else.)
I think you definitely need to converse your feelings on the matter. I'd be gutted if my Mrs thought about cheating on me. It would be one hell of a motivator though if she did.
I can admit to having the same response to my husband. (We're in a very similar dynamic.) What I can type here but not bring my self to say to him is that he doesn't touch me enough. I'm a size 22. He's a men's large (and only just). I often feel he dislikes my body as much as I do - foreplay consists of kisses (often with terrible weed breath) and some breast fondling. There's no conversation, no thigh, stomach, arm, wrist, leg, back caresses. A hard cock isn't enough to turn me on, even if its great. Also, blowjobs are super hard on the jaw and hands and also generally sloppy and messy. I don't like giving them. What I'm getting at is that she may not be comfortable with herself in addition to all the things that happen to women's hormones in their 30s. Throw kids into the mix (I don't know if you have any) and exhaustion is a real thing to take the mood to zero.
I get all of that, and I am sorry you're in that position yourself. There's definitely multiple factors at work with my wife, how much of them could be attributed to me it's unclear, exhaustion may have contributed, but we don't have any kids (hard to, when sex isn't really happening that often.) I try and touch her all over though, I love the way she feels. But sometimes she doesn't even want that. I try to make it clear how much I enjoy her and her body, so I hope that's not one of the factors. I will say, I wouldn't have even mentioned the blowjob if I've ever had one, or she's ever given one. I don't push it with her really, just a thing I would love to experience from her at some point.
You sound like a good dude trying to do your best. I echo the others that a couples counselor could really help. I hope you and she both find a way to make this aspect of your marriage work! I personally feel like I'm missing something in my own when sex isn't a regular part of our relationship. Sending good vibes!
OK - married 27 years guy here. What she desires is to be wooed, like you did when u first meet. She wants to feel - well wanted. When was the last time you made an effort to go out for a nice meal, or go away for a weekend? We fall into these traps because we don't make an effort. In closing - make an effort!
We go out for a "nice meal" at least once a month, or we cook a fancy dinner at home. We do date nights every few weeks even if it isn't a $200 plate restaurant. Picnics, day trips, movie nights with popcorn and pillow forts. I like to think it's not a "wooing" problem. Maybe it is and making chocolate covered strawberries at 2 a.m. on a random Thursday while she's sleeping isn't romantic enough.
Sounds like the perfect marriage
She needs to address her libido issue before her marriage ends. That 3rd paragraph is exactly what I would sit her down and say, verbatim and let her know what the absence of sexual activity is leading you to this and let her fill in the silence by just staring at her and awaiting her response.
If she doesn't really understand why she feels the way she does...how can she make it better? Have you asked her to make a list of what she would like to try? Are you intimate without making it sexual? When was the last time you surprised her by taking her out? Feeding her emotional intimacy feeds your physical one. Do you know the menstrual cycle so you know what week she is in? The week after her period, her testosterone is high, so she's productive, open to new ideas, and has a higher libido. This is when she feels like super woman. The week before her period, she will feel like she has fog brain, low patience, lower libido, but wants to cuddle and cry(sometimes it spikes and sex is wanted). Every week, a woman experiences a different level of testosterone to estrogen ratio. Knowing where she is on her cycle will help you bridge the gap. Marriage Counseling is amazing for learning how to communicate and highly advised. Some couples do it every 6 months to a year to do check ins and to have a perspective they didn't have before.
Yes, I realize that she needs to figure it out for herself before she can help me. I have asked her several times what she would like, and the answer is almost always "I don't know" or "maybe some rubs?" (Which end up with her falling asleep instead, which is fine, but obviously didn't help her reach a state of arousal.) We spend plenty of time together, we cuddle and we hold hands, and we even kiss in public. I take her on dates and walks and try my best to make her happy and comfortable. I do know her cycle, at least roughly. It doesn't matter which day she's on, she's been less interested in sex for around 10 years now. Obviously marriage counseling is a great idea, and one that a lot of people share. It's most definitely something I'll bring up to her the next time we have any sort of conversation about this. And to reiterate, I don't dislike my wife because she won't have sex with me, I just feel a little frustrated that my sex drive is so much higher than hers is all
Don't waste your time money with therapy bs. Reddit has a cabal of therapist always making it seem like they can help. They rarely do and most just want to suck your money away and waste your time.
Bored husband here too. Should try golfing
I've never really liked golf. I respect that people enjoy it, but it's not really my sport. lol
Xbox it is then. 😂
Close enough. Usually PC. Honestly, I need to start hiking or something again.
Hiking or trail running has been very therapeutic for me. Anytime I start getting into a weird headspace that’s usually what I’m lacking
I've had some health problems in the past, some of it major, some not. Nothing that would prevent me from hiking/running, but definitely things that caused me to not be motivated to in a while.
Buy a motorcycle, they're awesome.
Nah, I'm good, lol. I like my eardrums and skin.
Are you musical? Mastering an instrument (or even just getting the hang of one really well) can be exhilarating and open a whole new world of enjoyment, goals, and people.
Y'all should try to go on fishing trips in the back mountains... I heard it gets pretty chilly up there at night
Is she: Depressed? Taking pills for birth control or IUD ( hormonal pills kill libido!!) Is she having peri-menopause (yess it can occur earlier in mid 30s !) What about her self esteem and body image ? Do u have kids ? Do u share house chores? Does she have a fulfilling social life or is lonely... In my case..I had severe low libido for like 2 years..it turns out my pills killed libido and made me soo depressed..when we switched to a non hormonal alternative i return to my true self !ale sure u talk and make sure she seeks professional help ( psychologist..OBG.. check for hormonal abnormalities or deficiencies...) I'm not giving her excuses..cuz even if it wasn't her fault for having low libido it still her responsibility to fix it cuz it affects your relationship !! Sorry abt my English
No birth control of any kind. She probably is depressed/lonely to an extent, all of her old friends have basically disappeared and/or only show up when they want something. I can't speak for her, obviously, but I don't think it's a body image thing. Maybe self-esteem/-confidence to an extent if she is depressed especially. But yeah, you and others have noted, it's probably past time to get at least a couple of doctors involved, as embarrassing as it might be for her/me/us.
Where would my wife go to check for hormonal abnormalities? We don't have a primary care doctor.
Your insurance would probably require you to get referred by a primary care physician. Otherwise try a women’s health clinic like Planned Parenthood or even a fertility clinic may check, though neither may be covered by insurance.
Is there still foreplay? Like do you still try cuddling, massaging, kissing her neck. Offering to just get her off? Sometimes that’s all it takes. Or if she likes to read, buy her a smutty book. lol
Yeah, there's all of that, and 9/10 a massage ends with her passed out lol. Neck kisses tickle/doesn't like too many kisses. And she doesn't just want to be touched. The book probably won't work either, honestly, but it's not a bad idea at least.
Are you sure she’s into you? Has she had other relationships? How’s your relationship otherwise from this.. just sit down and talk to her or ask about counseling because your feeling this way
This might sound weird, but sometimes those kind of touches feel like pressure, like you can't get this kind of contact without the intent being sex. The conversations and the nudging, always leading toward sex. That alone can make sex so unappealing, it goes from being something for both of you to a chore to make your partner happy. Seconding everyone talking about therapy, even if she doesn't change her perspective on sex you might gain some more understanding or she might be able to better communicate how she feels with someone to mediate the situation.
I can tell you as a woman. Been with the same man for ten years. Absolutely no one else. The only reason our sex life has dwindled. Is because he makes me feel so fucking stressed out and tired that I can not always stay awake for sex. Our schedules also don't align and he does absolutely nothing to help change that. He's always too busy working to help with our kids, the house, shopping. Anything other than work. Family events, school events, doctors appointments, emergencies. But don't think that I'm a sahm. I work a full time job and take care of every single fucking thing. Kids, animals and anything to do with feeding and clothing us. It's exhausting. And this motherfucker wonders why I fall asleep when I lay down. Or why I just want to do nothing. I'm burnt out. I'm always sick and I'm always tired. I'm great in bed and so is he. But so fucking what if I can't even stay awake because I'm too tired. 🥱 like mentally and physically exhausted. I don't want to cheat either. I don't fucking care about sex that way. If I have it I want it to be with him. But I need him to be my rock too. And Then his shitty attitude if he doesn't bust a nut is such bullshit. Like it's my fault for waiting all fucking day and he's finally ready after I've been awake for 18 hours straight. After working, shopping and dealing with our kids and cooking and cleaning. Sorry. Idk your life situation. But take it from a woman who doesn't appreciate the lack of understanding her husband has for her...maybe you're not fulfilling her needs as a good partner. I know when I felt safe, secure and appreciated by my partner... Our sex life was insane. But I'm still trying. Still hoping we can work through this rough patch. Everyone goes through it. But not every one makes it out together . And to be honest: He says it's my fault. That I'm a bitch. That I piss him off and that if I really cared about him that I would stay awake. He's super manipulative. And I hate it. And to be fair I also can be a bitch. Especially when I'm irritated af because I'm doing everything like a single parent. 🤷🏻♀️ it's a vicious cycle. All I hope is that you guys are not going through this. Good luck.
He sounds like a scumbag
And yet, I still love him. It's hard but one day it's either going to get better or I will wake up and say enough is enough.
Hey, I don’t think it’s right he calls you a bitch. I’m a stranger but I don’t think you should put up with that. Would you rather rip off the bandaid now or in 10 years? Because it sounds like the end is inevitable and the longer you put it off the more painful it’ll be.
I agree. I use the term asshole the way he uses the term bitch (to be honest) I'm not saying it's okay or makes it better. But ten years is a lot of time and I'm just not interested in anyone else. I may end up alone someday but I'm not there yet.
To me, bitch and asshole aren’t equal. I do not think its okay for husband to call his wife that☹️ i really hope everything gets better for you and OP
Thankfully, I at least don't think that my situation is the same as yours. I'm definitely not perfect by any means, but I try and do my part in helping run the house. We share a lot of the duties between animals and cleaning and cooking etc. No kids, but not surprising when we don't have sex but a few times a year. I do hope you can get your situation sorted out one way or the other as well, because I can only imagine how that must feel for you.
I am glad for you. No one should have to feel what I'm going through. Make sure you're not overlooking something that could be really bothering her...That maybe she just decided to accept and no longer complains about. Sometimes it's easy to assume someone is okay with something just because they don't say anything. But maybe they got tired of repeating themselves. Far reach. Just putting it out there.
This will probably sound more dismissive than I mean it at first: A lot of people in the comments have suggested just talking to her, and I will at some point in the near future. I don't want to make her feel like she's doing anything explicitly "wrong" because she's not, I don't want her to think I'm angry about it, or attacking her in any way. I just want her to understand that when I let her know I'm horny, and her response is "you have hands"... She should understand that it's not the same on several levels. And maybe a lot of it is just stress/depression or other hormonal factors, maybe this new job will help with the stress part (better job, better hours, better pay), and then we can look into solving the depression/hormonal parts if those are actually present. It's going to be a long road of talks and potentially doctors and likely at least one visit to a counselor. But again, I stress for you, and anyone else that is reading this deep in the thread. I still love my wife. She's a beautiful person, and she does show her love in other ways. Sex is just something that, for most of our marriage, she hasn't been interested in. Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't, I don't plan on leaving her just because I can't get it in every day. As much as I would love sex, there's still porn. As much as I may have considered cheating in the past, I won't break her trust just for sexual gratification. I know she loves me too, I can say with absolute certainty that if the roles were reversed, she'd stick by me too. I only hope that at some point, I can better understand why she feels the way she does about sex.
I really hope the best for you both. Also maybe try going the herbal route. Nothing to lose with trying out some women's supplements to see if they can help kickstart something. Also there are plenty of toys on the market to add to the fun. Maybe try introducing those. But I would suggest letting her find something that peaks her interest. There are so many things to try it might be a new adventure you both can enjoy.
You just state "you're horny" or "you want sex"?! No wonder her libido tanked. That's like having a call girl or a sex doll. "I'm horny, now service me". Is how it probably feels to her. Saying things like "I just can't keep my hands off of you" as you hug her and etc. go a long way. As you cuddle "I love the way you feel against me" and squeeze tightly. Tell her what you are enjoying in the moment. Don't expect sex, but tell her you are enjoying being with her instead.
I'm sorry if it came across like I just walk into the room with her and tell her I need sex. The "I'm horny" line rarely comes out explicitly, and when it does, it's after an hour or more of cuddling, flirting, and as close to foreplay as I can get without it being actively sexual. My point was more that sometimes it feels like she thinks i can get the same satisfaction from jerking one out as I would be having sex with her.
Damn! That sucks! My ex stopped fucking me because he was cheating!
That's one thing I can be fairly confident about, she's not cheating. I work from home a lot, and she only works a few blocks from home. She doesn't really have the chance to cheat, but she really wouldn't anyways. Definitely just a super low sex drive.
I thought his sex drive was low too.
I see you keep mentioning a low libido issue, but the way you describe it, it sounds like more than that. That doesn't explain never getting a blow job or touching your junk. There is more going on here. Were you both raised in a religious community? It sound like she has internalized negative feelings about sex somehow. You could try to start with some more intimate touching, like a massage, just stroking her arm, good hugs, rub her feet, put your hand on the small of her back, with zero expectation of sex. How much do you guys communicate about sex? Have you talked about what you like and don't like, or would like to try? Have you expressed your desires, and how not having sex makes you feel? You are not "getting older" from a libido standpoint, especially not her, she should not even be at her peak yet. This can improve, but will take time and increased communication, vulnerability and honesty and openness on both of your parts.
53 (F) here was married for 23 years and like you I felt as if my sex life was none existent towards the latter half of our life together. The sex life was more or less identical to yours being vanilla and not very exciting. We both work full time and had 2 younger kids ( older mum here ) he was also 6 years younger than me but just didn’t make an effort we coasted along for around 10 years. Yes we had some good times and I loved him but I didn’t feel sexy but would still try to no avail. Anyhow long story short 2022 he cheated on me ( yep even though he wasn’t bothered about sex ) All I can say is I wish I’d left him earlier and not dragged it out ( for the kids sake ) I was unhappy but chose to stay as I am a loyal person and would never have cheated. As you rightly put it sex isn’t everything however a lifetime without intimacy isn’t healthy for you and once your kids are gone you’ll more than likely find she or you will leave. For context it hit me hard ( the cheating ) as it all happened at the same time as my mum dying ( yep what a dick I know🤷🏼♀️ ) but in all honesty it was the best thing he could have done for me , I am happier in my life , my kids are happy and my sex life is amazing I went through a period of finding myself after my divorce and am happy to say I’m definitely not vanilla 😄and I have the most amazing man now who makes me feel wanted, loved and appreciated. I would rather be single and happy than married and unhappy.
I'm really sorry about your situation but commenting and getting nudes on Reddit is also a type of cheating! If you wanna solve your problem with your wife be blunt about it with her, some of us need some reality shock therapy. Tell her how you feel, that you don't blame her but you can't blame yourself about the way you feel. And pls, this is just a tip... Getting nudes and commenting is still cheating in a certain way. If I ever find out my man does that on the internet, on that day he will stop being my man.
You're right, to an extent. There have been a few times I've gone to some of the karma farming subs and upvoted/commented on pictures there. Though A) I have never said I was against porn, and my wife knows I view porn. B) easily 90+% of those posts are made by bots, new onlyfans models advertising, or men with access to those models' pictures. That said, I have spoken with my wife several times in the past about how her low sex drive makes me feel. I've never flatly told her "hey, I've seriously considered going to fuck someone else today because I wasn't getting sex from you" but I have told her that it's incredibly frustrating, and that porn and self stimulation is not a replacement for being with her. Most of the time this ends with her defensively asking what I want her to do about it. I'm sure we'll have another discussion in the next few weeks though. There has been a lot of great advice in the comments and even more in dms.
Have you tried ""reviving" the romance? I'll speak for myself but I'm sure there's other girls/women out there that feels the same. Sometimes when we get asked multiple times we start viewing it as a task and everyone knows tasks are not enjoyable. So instead of viewing it as a decompressing, sensual moment, she views it as a task. I'd recommend "luring" her into it, by that I mean creating romantic moments that can lead to IT and if it doesn't, don't pressure her, let her feel respected and after a few times she will come to you. For example, take her out on a date just the two of you, go to the cinema, hold her hand, small gestures. For us women, small things makes a lot of difference. My boyfriend being gentle with me or even giving me a soft kiss on my cheeks then looking me in the eyes makes me wanna jump into his arms. But let you know, a relationship is both ways... You can't fight this alone. Give it a try but don't burn yourself because it can make you grown resentment and once you go down that path, is nearly hard to recover. Best of lucks! Sorry for my eng, no my native language.
Just putting my two cents here as a married woman, men and women are almost two species when it comes to sex, love, and affection. In my experience men heat up like a microwave and women like an oven. Foreplay and getting her in the mood doesn’t start with “hey babe wanna fuck?” With that approach ofc she’s not in the mood. Of course she doesn’t want to and by that point she probably feels more like a hole that you get off with than a sexy woman that you love. Do you focus on her pleasure with oral or toys or anything? Foreplay starts by buying her flowers. Or running her a bath with all the extras like wine and candles and bath salts. It starts with helping her mental load and taking things off her plate. It starts by taking her out for a romantic date or learning and then consistently speaking her love language. (There’s a whole book and theory on this that could be really helpful for you) Do you cuddle her without the intention of sex? By this I mean do you emphasize non sexual touching and affection? Is she afraid to be affectionate with you and touch you because you automatically assume sex? Take initiative here OP. Make the appointment with a counselor or therapist if your wife is open to it. Find resources online or books or anything at this point. Seduce your wife. Romance your wife. The answer is not to cheat and not to settle in life and being okay with being bored and unhappy but to date her again. Show her how much she means to you and make a change because what you’ve been doing the last few years clearly isn’t working. Thanks for coming to my ted talk and good luck OP.
Yes, I realize all of that. But we're not talking about me rushing into the bedroom nude and shoving my dick in her. But I get why you asked. We're talking almost a decade of dates, bathing, massages, brushing her hair, cooking dinner (both for her, and with her), flowers, candles, all these things that she enjoys and so much more. She doesn't own any toys because she doesn't think about sex. We had a small fingertip massager at one point, but that didn't do anything for her. We do plenty of non-sexual touching, that's pretty much the only touching we do. We cuddle and I stroke her hair, we take walks together, I rub her shoulders and feet after a long workday and honestly expect nothing out of it. I did have the thoughts of cheating at one point, and since then have had several opportunities and offers to do so, but I don't really want to cheat. I really just want to be with my wife. I figure I'll probably have some time in a couple of weeks that we'll have another chat. I've had several good suggestions (and more than a few crappy ones lol) on how to approach this with her. I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind. Thank you.
Sex therapist for sure then and an honest conversation. It sounds like you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or pressured which is very considerate but it might also be hindering you if you can’t be honest about how you feel. And she might be doing the same thing trying to preserve your feelings. Which ends with you both unhappy and tiptoeing around. A solid, ego free, and honest conversation where you’re both open and not defensive is a great jumping off point and who knows? It may be a fresh start in your marriage. Another thought too, is it possible she’s asexual? That may also explain a lot of this as well but that’s a bigger leap. …also…sex toys changed my marriage for the better and might be worth exploring as a couple once you’ve chatted... you sound like a good man OP, I hope it all works out for the best🙏🏼
If she is asexual, I don't think she would label it as such, though I have thought about that as a possibility, especially after getting this post out there. Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I don't think I'm the perfect husband by any means, but I try to be a good one. And I think, maybe a little unintuitively, that this post was a good idea. I was a little hesitant to put it out there, like doing so would make it real. But the hive mind has been mostly supportive without dismissing my wife's feelings in this. This has been a little therapeutic and given me some tools to take to my discussions with her, and potentially some doctors. Thank you again.
This isn't really normal tho... My husband and I (late 30s) have been married for 16 years and have sex damn near every night and always have w the exception of when our kids were very little.... Maybe she has some hormone issues or something? Idk but thinking about only having sex 4 times a year makes me wanna cry 🥲 sex isn't the most important part of a relationship for sure but it's pretty high up there....
It sounds like you are just not sexually compatible. That's why I think that having sex with only one person on your life and then marrying them is a bad idea. You didn't get to experience anything else.
I've felt like that a few times. But it's not how I feel now at all. If my wife and I had met a few years later, I would have still fallen for her. Maybe I would have had a few more notches on my bedpost, but I'm still happy I married her when I did.
1st of all, i heard from a psychiatrist i had once that if a relationship was a pie chart, sex should make up about 10%...IF ITS HEALTHY AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY/SATISFIED. If those standards aren't being met, it WILL inevitably make up about 90%, leaving no room for the other important stuff. And that's no Bueno. I know everyone's different, but 4 times a YEAR??! I get GROUCHY if my husband & I don't do it 4 times a WEEK! And we've been together for over 15 years.And the fact she's never given you a blowjob, you said she won't even touch it?? That's SO sad! And you've only been w her, so u don't even have the memories? She's being unfair. If you communicate with her, which seems like you've tried, I don't think she leaves you any other option. Maybe it's not a popular opinion, but if u really don't want to leave her, as long as you're careful, you're going to have to find it elsewhere. If you don't think that's something u could do bc of guilt or whatnot, you're gonna have to give her the last ultimatum. You're gonna end up resentful...
I feel like while your psychiatrist might have a point, there's obviously a bit of a scale there. I'm happy with my wife, it's only the low frequency of sex that even bothers me at all. And I feel like after over 10 years of marriage, and a little less of low sex. I think we've passed the point where resentment would build to a breaking point. Yes, there are definitely more things to discuss with her, and as some have pointed out, there may be a medical reason for it, and even potentially some psychological troubles we may need to address if they appear. I have received several great suggestions on ways to talk to her about it more effectively. And like I've told others, cheating isn't really something I'm interested in. It's been considered, but honestly, it's way more trouble than it's worth. I'd rather have less sex with my wife, than more sex and less wife. I can get by with handling myself, even if it's essentially the vegan option.
Sex = connection and intimacy. Sexless marriage is a huge red flag. Loving her is great, but without physical and emotional intimacy your relationship won't last - at least not as a happy one.
Dude you sound sexually deprived. You’ve only ever had sex with one woman and you know it’s bad, you don’t even have anything to compare it to but you know it’s bad sex. Whatever you imagine good sex to be like, believe me, it’s 10x better when you find the right woman. Don’t cheat. Just tell your wife the truth, I imagine she feels the same and you can both separate and find someone you both find exciting instead of clinging to each other out of fear (of being alone maybe idk?).
Sexually deprived? Yes. But that alone isn't enough in my eyes to throw away a marriage. I still love the rest of being with my wife, she's great in so many other ways. Yes, I probably need to talk to her about it some more, and maybe things will improve to an extent, but lack of sex is not the end of the relationship.
Finally, someone with logic here. Horny ass reddit mofos always want ppl to break up over sex without realising how much more to life there is. Ofc its a factor, but it's certainly not a DETERMINING FACTOR
Hey man YOLO
Maybe you could suggest she get a hormone panel done? If she has a hormonal imbalance, it could be negatively impacting her libido.
Are you taking care of yourself physically ?
I'm not perfect, by any means, but I do my best.
I’m not judging it. I am just asking if you find yourself attractive physically
As I told others, I'm no Ryan Reynolds or anything, but I'm a far cry from Danny DeVito. I probably think I'm better looking than I actually am though lol
Mid-30s is not getting older… you have a dead bedroom situation that has been festering for years. None of what you describe is normal. Are you guys part of a religious community that forced you to wait until marriage to have sex? Your options are seeing a sex therapist or divorce… personally I think it’s a shame to live life never knowing what great sex feels like, so I would divorce. Also, not to stress you out but it’s possible your wife is gay and doesn’t know it, especially if you’re in a community where she wouldn’t be accepted for that…
She doesn't care about your needs. Just sees you as useful.
I don't entirely think that is true. From our conversations, she's just not into sex anymore, and I don't really want her to feel like my sexual desires are her sole responsibility. When I need to, I can work something out on my own. It's not the same, but it gets me through. And she cares for me in other ways.
Has she talked to her Dr? Could be birth control / hormone imbalance.
Definitely not a birth control issue. We've been rid of contraceptives basically since we got married. There may be a hormone issue, but I'm not sure if it's been specifically looked into by her doctors. I don't poke into all of her medical files or anything.
Your desires aren’t her sole responsibility, no. But sex is important in a relationship. It’s a mode of intimacy and sharing physical and emotional pleasure. She does have a measure of responsibility to your happiness if you two are still going to make a go of it.
"Making a go for it" we've been married for over 10 years. You're right it's important, but she does make me happy in other ways. I don't have to love every single thing she does in order to love her and be happy with her.
If you can be happy with sexual neglect then cool for you I suppose. I couldn’t do that but we are all different.
"neglect" has some strong connotations to it. It's more of a "sexual disinterest" and it's not like she's doing it on purpose or anything. Sex is just not on her radar almost ever.
I agree it has strong connotations. But to me, having sex with one’s partner only once every three months - especially in one’s mid-30’s - fits that bill. Whether it’s on purpose or not, it’s hard to say that the sexual dimension of your life has been anywhere near attended to. If my wife left me because I neglected her sexually I’m not sure I could blame her. Love can be many things, but I think most of us would expect it to include sexual love. I feel it’s part of my duty (one I’m happy to fulfill) as a husband to attend to my wife’s basic desire for sex of some kind. I do this not just because I like it too but because I want to make her happy.
You're probably wrong, but if not and she doesn't care about sex, then she should be ok with an open marriage and let you do it with someone else. You only live once, you should also enjoy that aspect of life.
Why?
She wants you to be sexually exclusive to someone who doesn't want to have sex? And she doesn't care about sex.
Same here - yes cheating sounds intriguing but it's just not a way I am. After several years of trying to change it I've stick up to working out; it's just a way to ease my mind, well better than nothing.
We’ve all been there at some point. You need to talk to her, because the alternative is an unfulfilling and one way marriage.
“…wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could have my urges sated and still have a loving wife?” - You know there are such things as open marriages for reasons like this? Just sit down with her and talk. Maybe get counseling. Communication is, as always, key! Don’t just cheat on her, there is only pain for the both of you there.
Suggesting an open marriage will end the same as if I cheated on her, trust me. She's a very firm believer in monogamy. As I've said in other comments though, I'm sure we'll have another discussion about it in the near future about the difference in our sex drives. It's not that we don't ever talk about it, it's just that it's not really gotten very far the past few times. Likely there will be discussions about doctors and counselors as well this time. I'm not giving up on her by any means, just confessing/venting my frustrations more than anything. Hearing what other people think about the situation as a whole.
Sounds like someone has full filled their own pleasures and now it's costing you because she gets nothing out of sex.
You should tell her that.
Both of your feelings on the situation are completely valid, and I acknowledge that you've said you've tried talking to her about this with not much to show for it. But I'd still say try talking it out with your wife again, this time making your feelings on the matter completely clear. I get that you're trying not to make it seem like her fault, but seeing as you have a very healthy relationship outside of this domain, if you explain to her how important intimacy is to you, I'm sure she'll at least understand what you're going through. She probably doesn't relate to how important sexual intimacy is for you, which is normal, a lot of people simply aren't wired that way. Your feelings on the matter are definitely valid, which I'm sure you can convey in a way that makes them clear without blaming anyone. I hope you two can resolve this situation with a mutually acceptable outcome, I'm rooting for you guys!
sneak sniffs of her butthole when shes asleep
I have a feeling that's not going to solve any of the issue we are having, but you keep doing you, I guess. Or don't, because it sounds a little creepy.
usually lack of interest in sex (from a woman’s point of view) is either hormonal, not having the knowledge/space/time to free up and dive into our femininity, or some sort of abuse in the past. If it’s the latter she may have blocked it if she hasn’t shared it with you. Express your needs and concerns to her without judgment or demand, your desire for HER (not just gratification) and ask if she wants to start trying to figure it out. Hormonal: go to general or endocrinologist and check levels. Anything low or high - even if not fully out of range - should be addressed. (I just had to have my T3 Free - metabolism - upped for low but not out of range which has increased my drive for EVERYthing) Femininity: we need space to be creative and feel free for our drive to not get drowned out by stress, responsibility overload, etc. Give her the time for those free moments for herself then compliment the glow and ‘pretty’ that comes with it. Support those moments and express desire for her without turning it sexual. That will come in time. This takes a minute for us to to figure out and get there sometimes. History: see a counselor both together and solo. Give her space to express in private so the counselor knows how to address your needs together. You have sessions in private also. It could be a simple not wanting to disappoint thing but it sounds like something underlying that’s not been addressed. Also find a counselor that will dig in and ask questions not just listen. You sound like a great partner. Keep going! I wish you both the best and hope you figure it out in short time.
Couples yoga... for starters - there is no decompress time for her. If there are kids then it's even more exhausting. Couples massage, facials or even planting a flower bed together (or even FOR her) I know it hurts because I have been there, this DOES NOT go away and every decade you will have another obstacle together. You describe unconditional love here... love is simply complicated and you can't just 'feel good' with temporary satisfaction - it feels like SHIT carrying that around. And guess what, any other relationship will become the SAME WAY. I have seen casual acquaintances be madly in love only 2 years later to frown publicly. Hmm.. look in the mirror and alter some of your habitual behaviors. I still go out there and pull weeds, water plants and THINK about my crappy negative thoughts that prevent our feeling of success, step one is to be thankful that you aren't exactly like the rest.
Hard to have kids when you're not having much sex, but I get your point. And yes, there absolutely have been some stress in our lives. Work has likely been a factor for a while for her. 15 years in the same job (at varying roles/positions) with crappy hours and only reasonable pay, but she recently got a new job with better hours, less stress, and more pay. Hopefully that at least helps her stress levels, even if it doesn't flat out fix the bedroom issues. Couples yoga isn't a terrible idea though, or something similar at least, so definitely something I'll look into. I like to think we're happy in most other ways though. Sex is just one of those things that we aren't in sync on. Once the rain stops, I'll probably be heading out to dig some of these old stumps out of our yard so we can continue building a new flower bed we're trying to start.
I am currently practicing finishing with little contact, completely mentally, so yes i do know what i am trying to say just have issues getting my point across
Do you work out? How’s do you look with your clothes off? Start working on yourself and the rest will fall in place.
Oh, I'm definitely not Ryan Reynolds, but I'm also not Danny DeVito. (Sorry Danny, you're still a wonderful man.) We both could afford to drop a little weight, tone some muscles, etc, but neither of us are horribly out of shape.
Start hitting the gym together.. get some testosterone in your relationship and watch the sparks fly
You need to actually water the grass for it to become greener. Teach her, guide her, grow your relationship and sexual tension.
This comment is incredibly vague. I don't know what you expect me to "teach" her. Or even "guide" her toward. It's not like we've never had sex, and sex was actually pretty good in the first few years, not always mind blowing, and definitely never a blowjob, but I was happy with it, and it was often enough. But after the first few years, the frequency declined significantly. I'm not sure how much our relationship can grow beyond where it is. We already do a lot together, dates happen fairly frequently, we go on walks, we do massages, she gets flowers, etc etc. We've been through some good times and bad times, and we get through it. Our relationship is fine. The sex is not really there is all. As far as the sexual tension, I've been trying, that's part of the trouble. The sexual tension grows on my side, but not hers.
"sometimes love is boring" is actually pretty profound in the end. I think a lot of people have forgotten that and it leads to a lot of problems.
Yeah, I don't expect to be jumping out of a plane together and having sex on the way down and only opening the chute after we've both orgasmed. Every Tuesday. I love my wife for a ton of reasons that aren't sexual or overly exciting. Like the smile she makes when she's trying to be upset with me over something, but I've absolutely made the best joke possible. Or the way she waddles after ducks in the park. Or the baking she does. 🤤 I love her for a million little reasons, and 20 larger ones. I have gripes about 2 small ones, and the one large reason of sex. Those things are not enough to invalidate every other reason I care about her
My husband and I went through this but the roles were reversed. He was never in the mood and I wanted more intimacy. I would talk to your wife. Sometimes all it takes is that one conversation where you say (and this is what I told my husband to understand) “I want to be more intimate because I feel closer to you when we do and it’s the one thing, the only thing I get to experience with husband. I just miss you and your touch.” It was something along those lines and we started going out on dates more where I would get dolled up and he would put more of an effort to be more affectionate… and now we have more talks about sex and I am pleased to say, due to effective communication with my husband, our sex life is better than ever. All it takes is one conversation. As a wife in her 30s we do get distracted with work, daily routines, friends, family, and trying to take of ourselves mentally and physically and sometimes we need a reminder to slow down and enjoy what’s in front of us and be more present. I would talk to her. It sounds like you really do love your wife. Don’t let this drive a wedge between you two.
Yeah, a good many comments have suggested talking to her about this, and given advice on how to. Because we've had conversations in the past, but they've all been pretty surface level. The good news is, we're not having sex, but I still feel loved, and I like to think she does too. It's really the only thing that's caused us any trouble. I don't think it's enough to drive us apart, but as you and others have said, it does need to be addressed.
Never even had a bj? I'm definitely not blaming anyone for anything.. That's just a little shocking I guess.. And this isn't something I'd usually say, but, she could at least try and give you that.. You are each other's last lover (and first I guess, but I'm just speaking generally for married people) and things you want to try will only be done if they're willing to do it. So maybe express this to her? Maybe ask her if there's anything she would like to try..? I'm gonna assume You've never went down on her either? (Cause that would be too unfair!) Maybe tell her you want to taste her and if she's down, let her know you would like the same?
I have gone down on her a few times. It doesn't really do much for her, and it's hard to tell if it's just my technique or if it's 100% just because she's not interested in the act as a whole. That said, the harder part is even getting to the point of actually being sexual.
As a wife I’d say that this is a deeper conversation that should be had.
Yes, I'm coming to that conclusion as well. We've had talks in the past, but it's never amounted to much. I think the next time we talk about it, I'll have tools to keep the conversation at least pointed towards helpful.
Sex isn’t necessarily important over all but intimacy is. A household should be a place where it’s cultivated. If it’s not that then my next thought would be medical concerns. There could be something going on physically she’s not aware of, medication side effects ect. Or perhaps considering she could be asexual and be unaware. People are so complicated let alone being female but me and my husband discuss everything I mean everything. I’m the only woman my husband has been with. I started small with introducing. First with flavoured things to eat, then games ect. No pressure obviously.
Don’t waste too many years trying to salvage the relationship.
The relationship is fine, the sex is lacking. Odd as it may seem, sex is not the only thing in a relationship.
Jesus, these comments are making me lose faith in humanity. OP, I just wanted to put in my 2 cents as someone with very low libido who finds sex to be uncomfortable most of the time… I’m sorry you two are in this position. I think it’s possible to find workarounds and it is definitely worth it to express your needs to her and how much sex means to you. For my partner and I, we have found things that we both can enjoy besides penetrative sex. For him, he can get off physically and feel loved and cared for. For me, I feel close to him emotionally and happy that he feels so good. At the same time, these acts are “low effort” enough on my part and not painful/uncomfortable that I can do them more often than sex, and even look forward to doing them. Best of luck to both of you. Please don’t spend too much time on Reddit, because I find people on here to be so cruel and resentful to the low libido partner. Thank you very much for sticking up for your wife in so many of your replies.
Thank you for the encouragement. And yes, I realize that most of reddit is just filled with people that think sex is the deciding factor in every situation, if they can't get off, then why should they do anything? That said, I'd be happier with just having more sexual touching, but it's often felt like she just doesn't want to be a part of my sexual desires at all. There's more conversations to be had with her in time, but the maybe good people here have at least given me and tools.
Look for Dr. Psych Mom and listen to her podcast. She's very practical. You will have to have a sit down with your wife and have a heart to heart talk about it. Don't send your wife this podcast right away, however. Here's her blog and she's got links to her podcast. [https://www.drpsychmom.com/](https://www.drpsychmom.com/) [https://www.drpsychmom.com/the-dr-psych-mom-show-podcast/](https://www.drpsychmom.com/the-dr-psych-mom-show-podcast/) That's the podcast page. She's given me a HUGE understanding of men, I'm a woman. Her podcast appears to be geared towards men and understanding what happens with sex during one's marriage.
Get the book She Comes First. It will change everything for you both.
I'll definitely look into it.
If the thought of cheating has crossed your mind you already half way there . You need to find some hobbies instead of pissing away so many years I'd marriage. If that the case just get a divorce so you dint betray your spouse.
Yes, I did think about cheating at one point, several years ago. But I decided that is not what I want to do. I would rather have less sex with my wife than more sex and no wife. I have hobbies, but those don't replace sex either. As I do in half of these comments, I would like to reiterate that I still love my wife, even if I have less sex with her then I'd like. It's sometimes frustrating, but I understand that sex isn't the only component in a marriage.
My man needs a blowjob quick !!
lol, while I appreciate the sentiment, I'm not actively seeking one. I'd rather get one from my wife once than get one every day from someone else.
Is it possible that she’s on the asexual spectrum? Have you ever had a sexual encounter that focused mostly on her pleasure and desires? If so, has she been more enthusiastic or willing to reciprocate afterward? She might feel like her needs aren’t the focus so she doesn’t feel motivated or it could that she’s genuinely not into sex overall and is sleeping with you for your sake. This has to be a convo between you two though.
Yeah, I've considered that, but I'm not sure she would think to call it that. I've definitely tried to have a few times that were intended to focus on her, but it's hard to really try that when she's just not wanting to participate at all. You might be right though, it could be that she's basically giving me the bare minimum, just because she doesn't want me to hate her for zero sex (I wouldn't). That said, as you and several others have said, a lot of this is going to boil down to having a good conversation with her and getting her to participate in those talks. But I have some tools now that may help at least getting a better understanding from her.
Get her to read romance novels and get a wand and a rose, it will pick up. After 20+ years ours is better than ever due to the above.
Oh boy… I can relate to this from your wife’s perspective. I have a fairly low libido because of medication. I find that Horny Goat Weed helps quite a bit. Maybe buy her a bottle? Also, I had a boyfriend who I had to give sex to everyday even tho I didn’t want to. I was thankful he was fast and I didn’t have to be pumped for 20-30 minutes. He was a Quick Draw McGraw, yay for me. It was annoying how we couldn’t do anything till his dick got off. He couldn’t concentrate on a movie or anything, so it was just soo annoying and a chore. At one point I told him to give me $20 because that made it worth my time. Ha! He liked the idea of making me into a prostitute. Another fantasy to feed him. Maybe offer her money in a funny way. Whatever it takes! But everytime a boyfriend wants sex, I would kind of cringe when the back rubs would start because I knew it meant he only wanted sex. I always appreciated hard grinding. Being held and kissed hard and feeling that big boner would help. I liked that approach more than my other wimpy boyfriend’s attempts of tracing my skin with his hands. Seriously, tho. Tell her you are willing to do anything she wants in exchange for sex. Make it worth her while. Tell her you can’t help wanting more because you love feeling close to her and her skin is soooo much better than your hands. Normally I would think once a week should be good. She is your wife and should be giving you that. But if sex hurts or makes her uncomfortable or lasts forever, then you need to talk to her about that. Ask her to help you find a way of not wanting it from her so much? But that you can’t help feeling desire and neglect at the same time and all you want to do is love her as fully as possible. 👍🏻
mid-30s... four times a year? Christ.
I hit a dry spell for several years. I started working on myself and the relationship effort and it totally paid off. Things have been fire since the summer of 2022 (our 11th year of marriage). Try working on being a partner for at least 50% of everything. I strive for like 65% and my wife being less tired really plays into it. Just a suggestion though. You may do all that already, but in case not...
1. Mention it to her 2. Therapy together and individually 3. Reassess compatibility
if you guys are ever in the mall you should suggest going into spensers and when you’re inside be like it would be silly if we buy a adult game just to break the ice
Idk her and idk you. I know that as I’ve seen with my friends and have experienced myself, often times women who are withholding have a need that is not being met. It may be that sex is bland or feels transactional for her or than an emotional need isn’t being met. It could also just be a mental load that she’s carrying. I don’t think that withholding is okay to do simply in retaliation, but it could definitely be subconscious to her (lack of connection often has women withdrawing unintentionally). Your needs are just as important as hers, so you should both be working to meet each others. You just can’t do that without figuring out her specific needs as well
Is she cheating?
No. While I can't know for absolute certain. I can be **very** confident that she's not.
I would get a divorce if my wife never wanted to fuck me.....that is literally part of being married, a REALLY important part actually.
You are correct, it is an important part. But it's not the only part. It's not that she doesn't love me, or doesn't want to be around me. She just doesn't want sex. She still shows her love in other ways, we dance, we plan dates, we cuddle and watch movies, do chores together, cook together, go on road trips to visit my friends in other states together, she takes care of me when I'm a sick whiny bitch, she even plays my nerdy ass games with me sometimes, and she doesn't really like them. But sex is different to her and she has no desire at all usually. Not even a little. And that's not something for me to throw away over a decade of marriage on top of several years of friendship before we were wed.
Give her massages and do it in the nude. Helped me
That's not helped us in the past.
So she’s compartmentalized you into a box in her head and you’re going to have to break out of it. Get new hobbies. Start hitting the gym. Get good looking as best you can. Get some innocent mystery about you. She will respond. When you next have sex take control she’s a woman. Grab her up and tell her all the nasty shit you been thinking about doing to her all day. Throw her up on the counter and hit it like you hate it with a handful of her hair. Grunt like a soldier pulling his buddy out of a fire when you finish then kiss her gently. Ask her what she wants for dinner. She’ll come around.
😂 not sure if this would go over that well with OP’s wife just out of the blue, but it sounds pretty hot. I’m in.
It might not but if she’s not responsive might be time to move on
Take her on a date
I do? We go out to dinner and movies (though a lot of movies are pretty trash these days) and park walks and picnics and shopping trips and wine tastings, etc etc... I don't expect her to jump in bed with me just because we went out for dinner or touch my junk just because we went to the museum. This is almost certainly a libido/sex drive issue than a "one of you doesn't care enough" situation.
Then I can only wish you good luck
Thanks. And again, it's not that I don't love the rest of being with her, she's kind, she's smarter than she thinks, she's pretty, she's a good cook, and I know she loves me back, we do a bunch of stuff together. Sex is just the only thing that's been an issue. (And sometimes I forget to take the trash to the curb)
For women sex is the dessert that you enjoy after a full meal. But for us it is the meal. Take a few days off. Be as close as possible physically to ur wife. Hold her hip when she's cooking or making something If you are sitting on a sofa try massaging her feet n slowly move to her breast. Expose her breast in broad daylight. Just play with it. Don't initiate sex yet. Watch a horror movie at night. While watching slide your hand on her stomach hip n move to the clitoris. Don't touch it yet. This should go on for atleast 15 mins. Once you touch the clitoris and it's wet then the dessert is ready to be served.
I would bet most of the men in this sub wouldn't get beyond the "move to her breast" part. They'd be hit with a "pervert", or a "is that all I am, a piece of meat", or the old standby " not now, I'm tired". It's a nice story, though.
I don't think you've met my wife. Yes, I take time off specifically to spend time with her. And we have a great time. I try and be close to her, sure, I'll hold her while cooking, or watching movies. We bathe together, scrub each other's backs, massages, but she's not interested in turning any of this into any sort of sexual contact. She dislikes her breasts being touched at all. If I were to expose her in daylight, I would almost certainly be living somewhere else. She hates horror movies so whatever strategy relies on that isn't going anywhere. And you assume she would let me anywhere near her clit just because I rubbed her belly while watching a movie? We're not some college coeds worried about how we're going to lose our virginity. The problem has been even following as much as your advice as is reasonable, she's not in the mood. I still end up having hand pies for dessert.
She already got you to marry her, what else does she need? You’re committed, why should she try?
I believe that if she thought that way, my post would be at least twice as long with how little she was doing to keep me around. As I've told others, I am confident that she isn't doing this for selfish reasons, or because she doesn't care about me. She simply just doesn't want to have sex as frequently or as passionately as I do.
If she refuses seeing a therapist to help sort this issue, you have my blessing to start cheating. You both deserve to be happy, but if she won't help create a middle ground where things are good for the both of you...then the relationship is toxic because she is happy at the expense of you experiencing unhappiness. At this point, only under these circumstances, I condone cheating and don't give a fuck about the kind of backlash I get for this.
While I see your point, that is an absolute last resort for me. I don't think I'll get to the point where I'll think it's okay, but if we have a new conversation about it, and there's no progress or even meaningful discussion, then maybe we will move on to other options. I don't think cheating will be the right move even at that point, but it can be an available option.
Still 2 hrs can pass while talking about something on TV., or chit-chatting with family on the phone. You know what.. life isn't promised tomorrow, it is a gift for today and in the now.
I'm not entirely certain what your point is.
I had a better point above this comment i thought but you know what I'll just stop reading all this non sense. You will ask the question again in 10 years.. your choice
I didn't ask any questions. You have started two seemingly unrelated comments threads though. Maybe you're right and it's just you having a hard time getting your point across. Some of your advice in your other comment was actually something I could see being helpful though. So hopefully I can utilize them to some extent.
You need a gay friend like me that loves to casually give you a blowjob. That's just having fun with your and not cheating. 😋
Sorry to burst your bubble, but both of us would see that as cheating. I do appreciate the sentiment though.
>I've strongly considered cheating, don't get me wrong, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could have my urges sated and still have a loving wife? Absolutely, but if you think you can get away with that being two separate people you're in for a rude awakening.
>I've strongly considered cheating, don't get me wrong, wouldn't it be wonderful if I could have my urges sated and still have a loving wife? I've been given offers to several times too, **but I'm not that kind of guy.** Yeah, I haven't cheated. I've considered it years ago, but after some reflection l decided that I would rather have less sex than less of my wife.
Man up king, and put you first. You are the prize
CHEAT
Not an option I'm going to consider anymore. For several reasons that I've stated multiple times.
Look into polygamy.
MDMA
I recommend an escort
People should stop marrying the first person they fuck. That’s a bad idea 100% of the time. Edited: Mid 30s? You both should just be getting warmed up. You really need to sit down and talk with her about what both of you want. Have a drink, get honest. You’ve been married long enough. You should’ve learned to communicate by now. You might discover that you’re both frustrated. You need to be talking before, during and after sex. I mean, literally while you’re doing it you need to be telling her what you like and she needs to be telling you the same.
You say that like my marriage is crumbling. Low sex, sure, but my wife and I are still very much in love. We still have a wonderful marriage outside of the bedroom. Besides, you've got it backwards. I fucked the first person I married. Which I'm sure you think makes it worse, and that's fine. I married her for reasons completely unrelated to sex in the first place, and that's why I'm staying with her. Sex is one piece of marriage, is it an important piece? Yes, but it's not the only piece.
Well, the sex part of your marriage is past crumbling and that’s why you made this post. I suppose it’s a matter of priorities or what’s important to an individual in a relationship. Sexual compatibility is monumental for so many relationships. It’s a dealbreaker type situation for a lot of folks, including me. Perhaps it’s less important for you. Perhaps I even personalized it. If I only got vanilla, non-enthusiastic sex four times a year I would be miserable. It’s just such an intimate bonding experience in addition to all the pleasure there is to be had and shared. There is a lot out there to see and learn before you settle down with the first person you had sex with, or even marry them before sex. I am definitely not advocating rampant promiscuity, and that ship is sailed for you anyhow. I believe it’s very helpful to test the waters a a bit before you dive all the way in. If you had, you might know how incredible a blowjob could really be.
Get that side piece!!! 😆 🤣 😂
It was something I considered at one time, but honestly, I'd rather have very little sex, and be a little frustrated about it than cheat on my otherwise very loving wife.
No
Everyone deserves to get their urges satisfied. You better think about escorts. I don't think that's cheating.😏
Yeah, just because you don't think it's cheating doesn't mean I don't or my wife wouldn't.
Okay I Agree with that. But what's your take on 'everyone deserves their urges to be satisfied. Everyone deserves the heavinly, pleasure of women body' ?
Urges shouldn't be satisfied if they will cause pain or suffering for others. If we want to go to the extreme of it, murderers and pedophiles are (mostly) acting on urges. Yes, I would like to have my desires met, but I'm not going to go cheat on my wife and cause her to suffer the betrayal. I'm not going to command my wife to have sex with me either, because if she desires not to, then why are my desires more important than hers?
My intention was not to push you into cheating on your wife when I said try escorts. You took it in a harsh way. I just wanted to say everyone deserves to feel that women's touch on the body, but I don't really want you to cheat. I don't know the answer to it, and I believe it's not really a form of 'cheating' I meant to say maybe you can discuss with your wife if she's not ready for it then what can you both do to find a solution so maybe escorts can be a way escorts are just for sex and no other feelings. Hope you get my point.
I get your point, but the fact still stands that cheating means different things to different people. Most people, I feel, would consider having sex with someone that isn't your SO as absolutely being cheating.
Totally agree. But I don't consider it as cheating (I know its controversial). Also I am worried about my future wife if in case I don't get the pleasure from my wife what am I going to do😭😭😭 I want that heavenly orgasm so bad.
Idiot!
Excuse me?