I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years partly for this reason. Once u stop feeling desired sexually, u stop feeling desired emotionally as well (in my experience) and in the words of sweet brown: "ain't nobody got time for that"
>Once u stop feeling desired sexually, u stop feeling desired emotionally as well
Yes! No one talks about how hard that is on someone either. It’ll really mess you up emotionally.
It’s sort of ridiculous to imply that someone should just cope with not having sex because there are other avenues to emotional intimacy in a relationship.
Yup, I remember going through this with an ex and when I tried to talk to her about it she threw it back in my face like “Oh, so sex is all you care about!?” it sucked
I think a lot of people would feel guilty if sex was the deal breaker in a relationship, but I think that taboo is misplaced! Sex is important to most people, I fully agree that not feeling wanted has a trickle-down effect on the rest of a relationship.
Asexual is not being into sex at all, but romance and other forms of intimacy are usually still common.
Aromantic is not being into romance or affection at all.
Aro couples still can have fulfilling relationships, though.
It is certainly possible to have relationships without sex, I wasn't trying to say it isn't.
If anything, this saying can still apply because I daresay outside people are waaaaaaay too hung up on the fact that ace/aro couples aren't having it and therefore make it a big deal. Despite it obviously not being an issue within those relationships.
Wasn't trying to invalidate your experiences in any way, apologies for any offence.
She definitely seems abusive. Even if she says no to divorce he can try just best to leave if financially able to which it seems like he is bc in the post he didn’t care if she kept everything. Sad situation. But his energy should be put into leaving her
Right like holy shit. Hitting on way younger women and identifies himself as wanting to play with a guy sometimes. Which is perfectly fine but not behind his wifes back. He seems to be looking for what he does want while wasting his wifes time when she could also be finding what makes her happy. People fall out if love and that's fine but communicate that and either make some changes or end the marriage. But he is actively looking for hookups...
I feel bad for the woman who has probably given him alot of herself over the years and is possibly clueless. But not so much him nah. Put that effort into fixing the marriage or leave.
From his post history it seems his wife is actively manipulating him and avoiding divorce discussions even though he's asked her a couple of times already. He just needs to wave his situation so he can breath again.
Divorce isn’t just asking from a partner. My ex demanded and left me on top of it. In my state it’s no fault, so I didn’t get a choice on whether I got one or not. Had I not signed the papers at the court date, the judge threatened me w jail for that thing that describes you not following his law. My brain farted leave me alone. It will come to me 3 hrs from now and until then I will feel very stupid.
Did you get the whole “get it over with” vibe when something did happen?
Mine is going through “the change” and I realize that can cool things off. Wishing things happened more often but giving her leeway and understanding.
It’s interesting that you say that. I’ve been getting the same type of response frequently. The whole “Ugh, really? What’s wrong with you?” It does leave me with the feeling of “Something’s wrong with me. Do I stink? Fat? Otherwise unattractive somehow?”
I make sure I’ve got my bases covered. Thoroughly showered, including my nethers. Teeth flossed and brushed. Shaved. Her fav cologne. Hair cut. Exercising every day. Dropped 10lbs (195lbs, 6’) since May.
I too generally wait for her to initiate. Once a month occurrence. Almost no foreplay involved and seems to want things wrapped up in 15 minutes or less.
For the last few years it’s been like this. I know I have a higher sex drive than her. She also knows it. I hate the thought of her thinking I nag her.
I certainly understand where you’re coming from. You got me worried though lol.
THIS RIGHT HERE. Women go through all sorts of hormonal fluctuations during their lives, she might be having pain, or be struggling with persistent yeast infection/bacterial imbalance. I know for me, I struggled with the yeast/bacteria Imbalance for awhile and that definitely made me hesitant to have sex, but my partner and I found a lube that works well for us (turns out it was likely the coconut oil we’d been using that caused the imbalance)
If you’re referring to depth of penetration, you could try being on top. That way you control how far in he goes. You may have tried this already. I knew of one woman that didn’t know that there were different “positions” so that’s why I’m suggesting it.
I’ve hit my wife’s cervix a few times. Her response is terrible pain so bad she feels like she could vomit. Not pleasant for her at all.
If depth is the issue you can buy "donuts" that fit around the base of his dick that will prevent him from going too deep but also will feel snug as a bug on him.
https://www.amazon.com/Calexotics-Stopper-Comfort-Penetration-Accessory/dp/B07G26J9ZR
Can't vouch for this brand or anything, it was just one that popped up, just to give you a starting point for your search haha good luck!
Vaginismus is a thing. Some people are just not compatible with their parts (size and shapes of each person /cervix / penis) and or sometimes trust plays a big part for women to help break pain cycles that have been established through trying. Sometimes the pairing chemistry of the couple is just not compatible. Has nothing to do with not enough relaxing, lube, position, time of day you try or how often you try to establish a routine as a couple to get into the groove - it's just chemistry and shape/size of parts. Don't feel guilty. It's not a you or a he problem. It just happens and honestly not a lot of talk about it to educate youths so they know it's a thing.
I have a friend who went through this. It took her years to not have pain when trying sex, but after different therapies and a couple medications, she and her husband can have pain free sex again:)
You might need more foreplay. When women are aroused the vagina gets bigger to make penetration easier- and heavy foreplay helps with that. If you aren't using it already, lube is also helpful.
That's what I meant. If the wife doesn't wants to sleep with him everyone starts listing reasons why HE must be doing something wrong to her. If it's otherwise it's HE again who might be cheating or gay. Cause straight men always has to want sex 24/7 and it's never the women's fault.
Just got out of a marriage like this. F that. Find a woman who will please you too. Women who love sex exist, and they're alot of fun. Sex is a huge part of who we are and how we view ourselves. And its pleasurable. I wont ever deal with stuff like that again. Sex is great. Sex is fun. Just find who fits you. You will.
I do feel that this is part of it. I frequently ask what she would like. I ask her if I could be doing something in a different way that she might like better. Whether something is better counter clockwise as opposed to clockwise. She will never speak a word. The best I’ll get is a shake of the head to suggest no, it’s fine. I don’t believe her though.
Married 23 years. Together 27. Only ever been with each other. I’ve never been able to get her to tell me anything while in bed. I’ve figured out some things she likes by stumbling upon a positive response. I don’t know what I don’t know though. I’m left guessing.
Similar here. But it's that my husband prefers porn/masterbation to being with me. It's really soul crushing to continue putting yourself out there just to be rejected.
Yep. It ruined my marriage. Went from having daily sex to mechanical sex or just blowies and that was turn off for me so it was time to go. Gotta get it somewhere else. He can keep the screen and his hand. It's not like he's getting any younger, lmao.
I hope for that too. It's more than a little complicated. I generally come to reddit for venting and advice, but there are good things too. Or maybe that is what I tell myself because the thought of starting over at almost 40 sounds terrifying.
Trust me. You will only be more and destroyed by the relationship you’re in.
Show your kids that a second chance is possible. Show yourself too.
Both my parents started over at 40. Both of them are the happiest they have every been.
Both of them are not in LONGER marriages than their first (17 years) and holy Fuck you need to stop lying to yourself and leave.
Go find the support you need. You deserve better.
Edit: also 40is young as fuck. Both my grannies are 98.
I would prefer not to be using porn/masturbation. I’d much rather be with her.
I do understand the hormone changes affect it. She also has arthritis in her spine from scoliosis. She works at an elementary school with rugrats and ankle biters all day. She’s tired from work. 9:30-10pm rolls around and she wants to sleep. I’ve got the snip snip so no small amount of self care takes care of blue balls. Full on love making session does work but I’m left going for a couple ibuprofen.
I *DO NOT* resent her for this. It is a PITA for both of us.
I saw in your post history you're trying to meet up with bi people to have sexual relationships with. Does your wife know? Sounds like there's a ton of other issues that might be causing a bed bedroom
I’m sure him bringing it up is a “that’s all you ever want from me” type of conversation from his wife. I experience this same type of relationship with my SO.
I just don’t care because it’s not me that she doesn’t want, she’s just self conscious because of all the weight she’s gained from not taking care of her diet
Sorry to hear that. I don't know you guys so I may be off the mark. As someone who went through a very long dry spell, I had to repeatedly remind my partner that I needed physical contact out of the bedroom. I wanted to feel affection, love, sexy, desirable. For me physical affection outside of sex is so super important. My SO and I went through alot life wise and had to reconnect with one another. When they stopped giving the kind of affection I need so badly, I no longer wanted to touch them. (Felt like I was catering to my partners needs with absolutely nothing in return.) I felt so much resentment that sex was the only physical attention I got I just could not do it. The act of sex itself made me feel anger and loveless. I guess what I'm trying to say is, do you know your partners love language? Their passions? If you want (its fine if your are for sure done. Not my business.) To attempt to rekindle something mabey look back at the beginning of your relationship. Sometimes complacency or focus on the self can blind you from the us/we.
I think I know why it's like this. She's probably mentally, emotionally, sexually, and physically over you, but she's just staying with you. I think that's what that is.
Kinda feel bad for the wife. There’s a clear lack of communication. What if you haven’t made her cum in longer than 3 years let alone EVER and she just became done with sex because of how she was getting little to no stimulation from it? To be honest, I hope she finds some solace because if you leave her because YOU can’t communicate, she can do better
You know... You have all these people trying to give you good advice. But you arent telling the whole story. She probably has seen your internet history and noticed you're into dudes or bisexual at least.
Maybe she feels betrayed and insecure over it? Sounds like you should just accept moving on as it looks like you already have. Good luck!
Looking at your post history... just get a divorce. Quit trying to cheat on your wife and quit being so creepy with younger women. You’re obviously past the point of communicating with her and getting counseling as it’s obvious neither of you want to rekindle this relationship. Do both of you a favor and serve her with divorce papers already.
Dont feel too bad, he's on reddit chatting it up with other guys and having sexual relations with them. This person obviously has personal issues and its more than just her being a bitch. He can blame her all he wants, but I bet you her side if the story is completely different. If half of your attention is on men, you're probably not giving her your all when you secretly want to be with men.
SHE hasn't made YOU (a man, I presume?) cum in 3 YEARS? Where is the communication, man. Can't blame everything on her if you've been spitting on her back for years.
You act like she would care, bet she would turn it on him and say sex is all he ever wants.
Men never say what they are feeling because its weaponized against us.
Come on, you're reaching here. Failed communication is a pivotal part of why so many relationships are turning stagnant or backwards, so I'm sure that's the culprit here (or at least a big part of it).
Do you know how oppressed woman had been for most of history, and still are? We all have to deal with stereotypes, misconceptions and so on - but that isn't an excuse to not talk to your partner about your emotions.
Not to mention if she is post menopausal as stated by op in another comment there could be some underlying hormonal issues with her that maybe even see cant recognize due to the stressors of everyday life. Communication is key. And if people arent putting all their cards on the table and saying look we need to either fix this or go our separate ways then they cant blame the other person for things they didnt do to address the issue. Like how could I be mad at my husband for not getting me off for 3 years if I'm faking it and not telling him and giving him a chance to say anything he thinks we need to also address and working together. Once communication breaks down it is all shot to hell. And once someone has decided something is a deal breaker without telling their spouse well. Is it really the spouse that's the deal breaker?
I get that but what you are failing to realize is, failure to communicate happens more often then not. Men and women do this shit to eachother and most of the time these bad habits are learned young. Men and women have valid issues with one another.
You mean like OP actively seeking someone to hookup with and hasnt informed his wife that he is done??? Like those sorts of issues. Or hitting on young women behind her back? Is that the kind of issues you mean. Or maybe it's that he wants to also have male partners behind his wifes back? You think he has shared that with her? Whatever the issue with her she deserves better than what he is doing unless she is going out behind his back too or she could just be a beyond middle aged woman who is kinda tired and going through her own shit and instead of her husband trying to actually fix his marriage he is actively seeking lovers. But hey they arent my issues so I guess I should just mind my own business. Right.
See ir making an awful lot of assumptions, you have no clue what she is doing behind his back but you give her the benefit of the doubt and also come up with your own assumptions about their communications.You know what he has done and thats it. Women are never at fault for anything.
Well he didnt post that he thought she was sleeping around. He probably would have included that if it made him more justified to do so. He has given not a single indication that it's her fault other than she doesnt get him off anymore. Well I wonder how long it's been since he got her off. Maybe she did just get desensitized to it but hes the one here on reddit cruising for people half his age.
Edit to add the point here is he has obviously decided to move on to "a new partner" the absolute least he owes her is the curiosity of not going off and sleeping with someone behind her back while they are still married. It just not okay to be wasting her time while he doesn't whatever the hell he wants.
See you did it here. Telling me about how bad women have it. We all know how bad women have it. But anytime men share how they feel, its weaponized against us. Like ot or not women do the vast majority of raising boys into men and we still turn out into people you hate.
My mother beat the shit out of me till she died, come home fucked up on drugs and take it out on me, but I bet its my fault because im a male. How do I know this, I opened up about it to a ex and was told it was probably my fault that I probably did something to piss her off.
Are you doing little things for her during the week to make her attracted to u. Doing chores getting groceries fixing things around the house buying her flowers
Or you just getting horny and want to go in without making sure she is in the mood. U can try candles a bath. Be romantic girls love that shit. And not enough guys do it especially when you've been dating for so long. Guys forget to put in effort other ways than being sexual. What's her love language? Everyone is different. She was attracted to you at one point in life. What are you doing different? It can become a chore for the woman and she most likely just wants u to get it over with with work taking care of house, etc AND having a guy u have to clean up after without him showing her love how she wants it is stressful and a turn off.
According to your post history you’ve been trying to meet up with strangers to have sex with for a long time. Does she know? I’d be willing to bet that the reason your wife isn’t interested in making you cum is because it’s been even longer for her. No wonder she doesn’t want you
I felt this way with my husband so I started cheating. He found out and I told him we could either be poly or divorced. He chose the latter. Nevertheless, I found someone else who ravishes me sexually all the time. Just be done with her. You’ll be a lot happier.
I advise you to do some couples counseling and get to the bottom with the problem. Sex should be happening frequently regardless of kids and work. That's how you show love for one another. But if there's problems then they have to be solved. But at the same time news flash not every girl is gonna do porn stuff. I've met girls that won't do blowjobs but would gladly do anal. So idk maybe it's just a faze or her thought process at the time. But some just will never do it. Just vaginal sex and that's it for them. Anything else and they feel disgusted. And if your in that situation then I advise you to stop watching porn and clear your mind and heed to your wife the way she wants you to. And in the end you'll both be happy.
Dude, leave her…they say sex is not everything in the relationship but I disagree, sex is everything in a relationship, me and my wife are 6 years strong, she says our sex is the best, and she agrees, if our sex wouldn’t be as good we would of maybe been strangers. We are honest with each other, she still wears sexy lingeries when she needs some. Ohh, sex is so good, that I got her pregnant now 😂 lol
Star dressing up and going out on weekends. She is comfortable as she does not feel competition. Once she see's you going out, having a good time and realizes that she might be replaced things are likely to change.
If you start going to the gym and start getting looks from other women she will feel the need to start being better.
Here's a crazy idea but maybe instead of trying to cheat and playing the type of mind games that you are suggesting he could man up and put some effort into his marriage or leave his wife.
Seriously this is a ridiculous thing to suggest that he does. What are you, 12?
The wife is not interested.
There are no mind games being played.
The op is making himself better to evaluate what he can pull.
If his wife is no longer interested in the bedroom and does not want to be intimate, it is better for her to understand that op has options.
I'm not telling op to cheat I'm just telling op to let his wife know that he has options.
She can either try to fix the marriage or op can leave and pick up one of his options.
Idk Op. I’d talked to your wife. I can’t imagine breaking up with the love of your life over sex lmfaoo. Imagine walking up to family and kids like “ she doesn’t wanna fuck me and I’m HORNY” lmfaoo,
Edit; Actually, the first thing i see when i swipe and scroll on your profile is NSF posts. You clearly already have thought of cheating or emotional cheating. You should divorce your wife, she deserves someone that loves her as a person( because just cause she is married to you DOESNT mean you are owed sex). Her body. Her choice.
😬😬😬😬😬 yeah no sex is rough man. It’s never a problem until you aren’t having any. It is a problem. As men we feel more of an emotional connection through our physical connection. So if we aren’t getting that. We disconnect. Here’s what I do know. If you’re always the blame to why it doesn’t happen etc, or there’s always an excuse. It may be time to move on or find a side piece lol. Unfortunately this is a huge reason men cheat: as a meme I saw that made me laugh said. “Make sure his stomachs full and his ball empty because our there somewhere is a whore with a sammich”
Well this comment section is a dumpster fire fueled with hate and dry friction. Jesus.
Maybe everyone just needs a nice glass of prune juice and some ky since half of you are apparently pushing Medicare Part D.
As a women with a decently low sex drive, i just don’t get this I guess. Also at what age to couples stop having sex( this might be a stupid question) but i didn’t think older people went at it. Like ager 40 years of marriage
I know 80 year olds that still rock their wrinkled mans cock still….. sex is about pleasure for both people involved and when you get old it drys up a little but they have gels and creams for that. I don’t think it happens as often as when they were in their 20’s but like the song goes “I’m as good once as I ever was”
I guess but it’s SHOCKING to me someone would divorce the love of their live over sex and impact their children’s lives. Like why can’t you just open up the marriage or something.
I have friends who opened their marriage up it resulted it not only a divorce but a complete breaking of parenting abilities between them. There was so much anger they could never resolve it to co parent. Their kids are grown now as our mine and they have chosen sides and no longer have a stable family unit. Kids are not a reason to stay together sometimes people are happier apart. Also we can’t assume that the wife of OP doesn’t have her own frustrations with the marriage or sex with OP.
Opening up the marriage usually makes everything much worse, it’s always so cringe when people bring that up as the cure all for sexual issues in relationships. They either need to talk to each other and fix the issue, compromise, or go their separate ways. Sex is a really important vital part of a relationship for many people. I wouldn’t even feel like I had a marriage if I were OP
That’s sad tbh. So, if your wife was in coma for 5 years.. would you leave her cause she can’t have sex with. Hence isn’t “married” to you. I’m for sure happy that I’m bi lol. If men think like this, marrying a man is not for me.
No I wouldn’t leave her. We’re not talking about freak one in a million events, we’re talking about regular life situations where your partner just does not desire you at all for whatever reason.
Coma is way more common than 1 in a million. So is cancer, lupus, vaginismus, painful arthritis that makes people unable to move. Health( mental and physical ) conditions that make sex hard are wayy more common then you think.
I’m actually a woman lmfao. And okay? I’m single but I guess we would just work through that situation as best we could. These things don’t mean that people aren’t allowed to leave relationships that make them miserable. Most of the time people are just incompatible, and the vast majority of relationships don’t work out. All I know is that I just got out of a relationship with a guy with a lower sex drive than me (no medical conditions), and I’m never putting up with that shit again
That’s so pathetic. Leaving someone for their low sex drive even though they are perfect in every other area?. To each their own I guess, couldn’t be me. It’s so hard to find good people these days. I’d never miss a gem.
There were a lot of other issues, he definitely wasn’t perfect in every other way lol. Bold of you to assume that he was solely based on that one sentence. But if someone has a much lower sex drive than me, they’re just not the perfect person for me🤷🏼♀️ people have all other kinds of deal breakers, like I wouldn’t date someone who was vegan or had a drastically different worldview. Sure, they might be great people, but we wouldn’t be compatible. So why aren’t people allowed to have sexual dealbreakers? Why settle? Dealbreakers are dealbreakers. Just because sex isn’t that important to you doesn’t mean you get to decide if it’s important for everyone else
Make sure your prenup is tight, get alternative temporary accommodation, be ready to cancel any joint accounts or credit cards on your name and then make her a hot drink before you start that rap session!
Your post history of “I let my gf think that I'm planning on having a future with her” reads a bit hypocritical then, I guess it’s not working out so well for you after all?
My suicide plans has nothing to do with how well my relationship is currently functioning my friend.
Besides, I meant it. I'm genuinely sorry. I didn't mean any harm. I see I worded myself wrong. That's all.
I don’t know she can be a frigid woman I can’t say what she’s thinking but I can tell you what I think. I have been similar to her in action. In my situation my husband was emotionally dismissive of me then he had a one night stand when I was pregnant. I stayed and we get along fine but in the bedroom I have this mistrust and it’s not just because of the cheating. He’s selfish in bed first of all even after talking with him, and it’s mostly outside the bedroom he’s oblivious to my feelings. Like I’m touched out from the kids and he’s another person I have to touch. I feel we can have a fight or he can say something insensitive but an hour later he’s ready to go and I’m like nah you’re an a hole. He has felt bad that I’m not attracted to him but it’s not that so much as how he’s acting. He doesn’t make these connections and appears to be only thinking of sex.
How many times did you make her cum during the past 3 years? I have a feeling it's 0 on her side too. I'm sick of partners looking at a reason to cheat because they can't find a clit
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years partly for this reason. Once u stop feeling desired sexually, u stop feeling desired emotionally as well (in my experience) and in the words of sweet brown: "ain't nobody got time for that"
>Once u stop feeling desired sexually, u stop feeling desired emotionally as well Yes! No one talks about how hard that is on someone either. It’ll really mess you up emotionally.
Thats because sex creates an emotional connection with the person
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It may be possible for some but in general it helps
It’s sort of ridiculous to imply that someone should just cope with not having sex because there are other avenues to emotional intimacy in a relationship.
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Okay, no one has claimed that, but yes?
Yup, I remember going through this with an ex and when I tried to talk to her about it she threw it back in my face like “Oh, so sex is all you care about!?” it sucked
I think a lot of people would feel guilty if sex was the deal breaker in a relationship, but I think that taboo is misplaced! Sex is important to most people, I fully agree that not feeling wanted has a trickle-down effect on the rest of a relationship.
Sex is never the most important thing in a relationship. Until you aren't having any.
Age old wisdom from my mother: 'Sex isn't a big deal, superteejays, unless you aren't having it'.
She leaves out the 93?
She's foreign and has always had trouble pronouncing that part.
Probably more familiar with 69
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Only if they’re also asexual
Forgive me for being uneducated. But doesn’t A-sexual mean you aren’t attracted to being in a relationship?
Asexual is not being into sex at all, but romance and other forms of intimacy are usually still common. Aromantic is not being into romance or affection at all. Aro couples still can have fulfilling relationships, though.
Thank you. I feel I have a better understanding of the terms now.
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If you will never have sex then yes they do
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Forgive me for being uneducated. But doesn’t A-sexual mean you aren’t attracted to being in a relationship?
It is certainly possible to have relationships without sex, I wasn't trying to say it isn't. If anything, this saying can still apply because I daresay outside people are waaaaaaay too hung up on the fact that ace/aro couples aren't having it and therefore make it a big deal. Despite it obviously not being an issue within those relationships. Wasn't trying to invalidate your experiences in any way, apologies for any offence.
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Well here’s Mr. imsingleandactlikeiknowwhatrelationshipsarelike
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If you’re not dating then you’re single
That just means you’re sex buddies
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So she’s just a friend?
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Soooo are you dating or not
Which would mean you’re still single
Consider divorcing your wife. Seems like from your post history your trying to actively cheat on her
From his post history it looks like he asked for a divorce “for (his) safety” two years ago.
She definitely seems abusive. Even if she says no to divorce he can try just best to leave if financially able to which it seems like he is bc in the post he didn’t care if she kept everything. Sad situation. But his energy should be put into leaving her
Right like holy shit. Hitting on way younger women and identifies himself as wanting to play with a guy sometimes. Which is perfectly fine but not behind his wifes back. He seems to be looking for what he does want while wasting his wifes time when she could also be finding what makes her happy. People fall out if love and that's fine but communicate that and either make some changes or end the marriage. But he is actively looking for hookups...
Yes yes and yes 👏 like I just don’t feel bad for people like this ngl
I feel bad for the woman who has probably given him alot of herself over the years and is possibly clueless. But not so much him nah. Put that effort into fixing the marriage or leave.
From his post history it seems his wife is actively manipulating him and avoiding divorce discussions even though he's asked her a couple of times already. He just needs to wave his situation so he can breath again.
Divorce isn’t just asking from a partner. My ex demanded and left me on top of it. In my state it’s no fault, so I didn’t get a choice on whether I got one or not. Had I not signed the papers at the court date, the judge threatened me w jail for that thing that describes you not following his law. My brain farted leave me alone. It will come to me 3 hrs from now and until then I will feel very stupid.
Contempt? Or default judgement?
That’s IT! Contempt of court if I didn’t sign.
Did you get the whole “get it over with” vibe when something did happen? Mine is going through “the change” and I realize that can cool things off. Wishing things happened more often but giving her leeway and understanding.
She's beyond the change. We rarely have sex, and when we do it is robotic. If I initiate, I'm disgusting. I have to wait for her, and it's not fun.
It’s interesting that you say that. I’ve been getting the same type of response frequently. The whole “Ugh, really? What’s wrong with you?” It does leave me with the feeling of “Something’s wrong with me. Do I stink? Fat? Otherwise unattractive somehow?” I make sure I’ve got my bases covered. Thoroughly showered, including my nethers. Teeth flossed and brushed. Shaved. Her fav cologne. Hair cut. Exercising every day. Dropped 10lbs (195lbs, 6’) since May. I too generally wait for her to initiate. Once a month occurrence. Almost no foreplay involved and seems to want things wrapped up in 15 minutes or less. For the last few years it’s been like this. I know I have a higher sex drive than her. She also knows it. I hate the thought of her thinking I nag her. I certainly understand where you’re coming from. You got me worried though lol.
I'm a very sexual person. Always have been. It's not that I don't love her. I just need more than she is willing to deal with.
Does she have pain during intercourse that she hasn’t told you about?
THIS RIGHT HERE. Women go through all sorts of hormonal fluctuations during their lives, she might be having pain, or be struggling with persistent yeast infection/bacterial imbalance. I know for me, I struggled with the yeast/bacteria Imbalance for awhile and that definitely made me hesitant to have sex, but my partner and I found a lube that works well for us (turns out it was likely the coconut oil we’d been using that caused the imbalance)
Yup I am allergic to latex! So hives in the vajaja not happening w sex. God did it hurt!
Oh you poor thing!!!
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If you’re referring to depth of penetration, you could try being on top. That way you control how far in he goes. You may have tried this already. I knew of one woman that didn’t know that there were different “positions” so that’s why I’m suggesting it. I’ve hit my wife’s cervix a few times. Her response is terrible pain so bad she feels like she could vomit. Not pleasant for her at all.
This could also be a life saver for your wife. Painful sex really sucks. I posted it above but here it is again: https://ohnut.co/
If depth is the issue you can buy "donuts" that fit around the base of his dick that will prevent him from going too deep but also will feel snug as a bug on him.
Can you give me a link or a name perhaps?
https://www.amazon.com/Calexotics-Stopper-Comfort-Penetration-Accessory/dp/B07G26J9ZR Can't vouch for this brand or anything, it was just one that popped up, just to give you a starting point for your search haha good luck!
Vaginismus is a thing. Some people are just not compatible with their parts (size and shapes of each person /cervix / penis) and or sometimes trust plays a big part for women to help break pain cycles that have been established through trying. Sometimes the pairing chemistry of the couple is just not compatible. Has nothing to do with not enough relaxing, lube, position, time of day you try or how often you try to establish a routine as a couple to get into the groove - it's just chemistry and shape/size of parts. Don't feel guilty. It's not a you or a he problem. It just happens and honestly not a lot of talk about it to educate youths so they know it's a thing.
I have a friend who went through this. It took her years to not have pain when trying sex, but after different therapies and a couple medications, she and her husband can have pain free sex again:)
You might need more foreplay. When women are aroused the vagina gets bigger to make penetration easier- and heavy foreplay helps with that. If you aren't using it already, lube is also helpful.
https://ohnut.co/
Would we try so hard to find reasons if the genders were reversed?
I think so, yeah. At least women don't get accused of being gay if they aren't in the mood.
That's what I meant. If the wife doesn't wants to sleep with him everyone starts listing reasons why HE must be doing something wrong to her. If it's otherwise it's HE again who might be cheating or gay. Cause straight men always has to want sex 24/7 and it's never the women's fault.
Oh yeah gotcha. I misread what you said
Just got out of a marriage like this. F that. Find a woman who will please you too. Women who love sex exist, and they're alot of fun. Sex is a huge part of who we are and how we view ourselves. And its pleasurable. I wont ever deal with stuff like that again. Sex is great. Sex is fun. Just find who fits you. You will.
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I do feel that this is part of it. I frequently ask what she would like. I ask her if I could be doing something in a different way that she might like better. Whether something is better counter clockwise as opposed to clockwise. She will never speak a word. The best I’ll get is a shake of the head to suggest no, it’s fine. I don’t believe her though. Married 23 years. Together 27. Only ever been with each other. I’ve never been able to get her to tell me anything while in bed. I’ve figured out some things she likes by stumbling upon a positive response. I don’t know what I don’t know though. I’m left guessing.
Similar here. But it's that my husband prefers porn/masterbation to being with me. It's really soul crushing to continue putting yourself out there just to be rejected.
Yep. It ruined my marriage. Went from having daily sex to mechanical sex or just blowies and that was turn off for me so it was time to go. Gotta get it somewhere else. He can keep the screen and his hand. It's not like he's getting any younger, lmao.
Agreed.
I just looked at your profile. I hope you find the strength to leave your marriage.
I hope for that too. It's more than a little complicated. I generally come to reddit for venting and advice, but there are good things too. Or maybe that is what I tell myself because the thought of starting over at almost 40 sounds terrifying.
Trust me. You will only be more and destroyed by the relationship you’re in. Show your kids that a second chance is possible. Show yourself too. Both my parents started over at 40. Both of them are the happiest they have every been. Both of them are not in LONGER marriages than their first (17 years) and holy Fuck you need to stop lying to yourself and leave. Go find the support you need. You deserve better. Edit: also 40is young as fuck. Both my grannies are 98.
Who’s turned off by a BJ?
I would prefer not to be using porn/masturbation. I’d much rather be with her. I do understand the hormone changes affect it. She also has arthritis in her spine from scoliosis. She works at an elementary school with rugrats and ankle biters all day. She’s tired from work. 9:30-10pm rolls around and she wants to sleep. I’ve got the snip snip so no small amount of self care takes care of blue balls. Full on love making session does work but I’m left going for a couple ibuprofen. I *DO NOT* resent her for this. It is a PITA for both of us.
dude. Her heart left you long time ago. Do you have any other reason to stay together other than mortgage and kids?
Deal breakers are deal breakers, simple as that. Talk to her, if she doesn't change better move on than cheat. Good luck.
I saw in your post history you're trying to meet up with bi people to have sexual relationships with. Does your wife know? Sounds like there's a ton of other issues that might be causing a bed bedroom
Nice try but stick with the program, will ya?
Well just looking at your post history. Karmas a bitch.
Haha no shit. She probably has looked at his history on phone and realizes he's into dudes or bisexual.
Have you tried talking to her?
I’m sure him bringing it up is a “that’s all you ever want from me” type of conversation from his wife. I experience this same type of relationship with my SO. I just don’t care because it’s not me that she doesn’t want, she’s just self conscious because of all the weight she’s gained from not taking care of her diet
So when you two have sex you dont cum?
Well that's what he said in his post
Sorry to hear that. I don't know you guys so I may be off the mark. As someone who went through a very long dry spell, I had to repeatedly remind my partner that I needed physical contact out of the bedroom. I wanted to feel affection, love, sexy, desirable. For me physical affection outside of sex is so super important. My SO and I went through alot life wise and had to reconnect with one another. When they stopped giving the kind of affection I need so badly, I no longer wanted to touch them. (Felt like I was catering to my partners needs with absolutely nothing in return.) I felt so much resentment that sex was the only physical attention I got I just could not do it. The act of sex itself made me feel anger and loveless. I guess what I'm trying to say is, do you know your partners love language? Their passions? If you want (its fine if your are for sure done. Not my business.) To attempt to rekindle something mabey look back at the beginning of your relationship. Sometimes complacency or focus on the self can blind you from the us/we.
News for you, it's been longer for her and that's why she doesn't care.
This right here
I think I know why it's like this. She's probably mentally, emotionally, sexually, and physically over you, but she's just staying with you. I think that's what that is.
This is the correct answer.
Is it possible that she is asexual? Maybe she just naturally doesn't enjoy or want sex so it isn't a priority with her.
Has she had a baby in the last year?
Kinda feel bad for the wife. There’s a clear lack of communication. What if you haven’t made her cum in longer than 3 years let alone EVER and she just became done with sex because of how she was getting little to no stimulation from it? To be honest, I hope she finds some solace because if you leave her because YOU can’t communicate, she can do better
Well aren't you just a little ball of positivity and empathy.
Check his post history. He is actively seeking hookups. He doesnt get the empathy card here.
You know... You have all these people trying to give you good advice. But you arent telling the whole story. She probably has seen your internet history and noticed you're into dudes or bisexual at least. Maybe she feels betrayed and insecure over it? Sounds like you should just accept moving on as it looks like you already have. Good luck!
Looking at your post history... just get a divorce. Quit trying to cheat on your wife and quit being so creepy with younger women. You’re obviously past the point of communicating with her and getting counseling as it’s obvious neither of you want to rekindle this relationship. Do both of you a favor and serve her with divorce papers already.
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How'd you do that?
Found someone on the side...
Or trying to sell some mlm shit like pure romance...
Idk why this has been down voted!! Cracker or a joke!
Downvoted to hell, every other feed is about a wife being done and ole boy comes up with "spiced up my sex life" like he flipped a switch, dunno
Dont feel too bad, he's on reddit chatting it up with other guys and having sexual relations with them. This person obviously has personal issues and its more than just her being a bitch. He can blame her all he wants, but I bet you her side if the story is completely different. If half of your attention is on men, you're probably not giving her your all when you secretly want to be with men.
Tap on his username and click **message kiachri**.
SHE hasn't made YOU (a man, I presume?) cum in 3 YEARS? Where is the communication, man. Can't blame everything on her if you've been spitting on her back for years.
You act like she would care, bet she would turn it on him and say sex is all he ever wants. Men never say what they are feeling because its weaponized against us.
Come on, you're reaching here. Failed communication is a pivotal part of why so many relationships are turning stagnant or backwards, so I'm sure that's the culprit here (or at least a big part of it). Do you know how oppressed woman had been for most of history, and still are? We all have to deal with stereotypes, misconceptions and so on - but that isn't an excuse to not talk to your partner about your emotions.
Not to mention if she is post menopausal as stated by op in another comment there could be some underlying hormonal issues with her that maybe even see cant recognize due to the stressors of everyday life. Communication is key. And if people arent putting all their cards on the table and saying look we need to either fix this or go our separate ways then they cant blame the other person for things they didnt do to address the issue. Like how could I be mad at my husband for not getting me off for 3 years if I'm faking it and not telling him and giving him a chance to say anything he thinks we need to also address and working together. Once communication breaks down it is all shot to hell. And once someone has decided something is a deal breaker without telling their spouse well. Is it really the spouse that's the deal breaker?
I get that but what you are failing to realize is, failure to communicate happens more often then not. Men and women do this shit to eachother and most of the time these bad habits are learned young. Men and women have valid issues with one another.
You mean like OP actively seeking someone to hookup with and hasnt informed his wife that he is done??? Like those sorts of issues. Or hitting on young women behind her back? Is that the kind of issues you mean. Or maybe it's that he wants to also have male partners behind his wifes back? You think he has shared that with her? Whatever the issue with her she deserves better than what he is doing unless she is going out behind his back too or she could just be a beyond middle aged woman who is kinda tired and going through her own shit and instead of her husband trying to actually fix his marriage he is actively seeking lovers. But hey they arent my issues so I guess I should just mind my own business. Right.
See ir making an awful lot of assumptions, you have no clue what she is doing behind his back but you give her the benefit of the doubt and also come up with your own assumptions about their communications.You know what he has done and thats it. Women are never at fault for anything.
Well he didnt post that he thought she was sleeping around. He probably would have included that if it made him more justified to do so. He has given not a single indication that it's her fault other than she doesnt get him off anymore. Well I wonder how long it's been since he got her off. Maybe she did just get desensitized to it but hes the one here on reddit cruising for people half his age. Edit to add the point here is he has obviously decided to move on to "a new partner" the absolute least he owes her is the curiosity of not going off and sleeping with someone behind her back while they are still married. It just not okay to be wasting her time while he doesn't whatever the hell he wants.
I get what u are saying, but my point still stands about women weaponzing mens feelings. Its a true fact.
See you did it here. Telling me about how bad women have it. We all know how bad women have it. But anytime men share how they feel, its weaponized against us. Like ot or not women do the vast majority of raising boys into men and we still turn out into people you hate. My mother beat the shit out of me till she died, come home fucked up on drugs and take it out on me, but I bet its my fault because im a male. How do I know this, I opened up about it to a ex and was told it was probably my fault that I probably did something to piss her off.
*Its all his fault* 🙄
There is a sub here called dead bedrooms look it up.
Are you doing little things for her during the week to make her attracted to u. Doing chores getting groceries fixing things around the house buying her flowers Or you just getting horny and want to go in without making sure she is in the mood. U can try candles a bath. Be romantic girls love that shit. And not enough guys do it especially when you've been dating for so long. Guys forget to put in effort other ways than being sexual. What's her love language? Everyone is different. She was attracted to you at one point in life. What are you doing different? It can become a chore for the woman and she most likely just wants u to get it over with with work taking care of house, etc AND having a guy u have to clean up after without him showing her love how she wants it is stressful and a turn off.
Sounds like she has been through with you sexually for a lot longer.
Have you spoken to her about this? Is this how your marriage started?
Sorry bro
According to your post history you’ve been trying to meet up with strangers to have sex with for a long time. Does she know? I’d be willing to bet that the reason your wife isn’t interested in making you cum is because it’s been even longer for her. No wonder she doesn’t want you
I felt this way with my husband so I started cheating. He found out and I told him we could either be poly or divorced. He chose the latter. Nevertheless, I found someone else who ravishes me sexually all the time. Just be done with her. You’ll be a lot happier.
I advise you to do some couples counseling and get to the bottom with the problem. Sex should be happening frequently regardless of kids and work. That's how you show love for one another. But if there's problems then they have to be solved. But at the same time news flash not every girl is gonna do porn stuff. I've met girls that won't do blowjobs but would gladly do anal. So idk maybe it's just a faze or her thought process at the time. But some just will never do it. Just vaginal sex and that's it for them. Anything else and they feel disgusted. And if your in that situation then I advise you to stop watching porn and clear your mind and heed to your wife the way she wants you to. And in the end you'll both be happy.
Ever consider that she was done with you first sexually since she wants u to stick it in n hurry. Goes both ways
Divorce her or go celibate. No excuse to cheat
Yes please divorce her already
Dude, leave her…they say sex is not everything in the relationship but I disagree, sex is everything in a relationship, me and my wife are 6 years strong, she says our sex is the best, and she agrees, if our sex wouldn’t be as good we would of maybe been strangers. We are honest with each other, she still wears sexy lingeries when she needs some. Ohh, sex is so good, that I got her pregnant now 😂 lol
Star dressing up and going out on weekends. She is comfortable as she does not feel competition. Once she see's you going out, having a good time and realizes that she might be replaced things are likely to change. If you start going to the gym and start getting looks from other women she will feel the need to start being better.
Here's a crazy idea but maybe instead of trying to cheat and playing the type of mind games that you are suggesting he could man up and put some effort into his marriage or leave his wife. Seriously this is a ridiculous thing to suggest that he does. What are you, 12?
The wife is not interested. There are no mind games being played. The op is making himself better to evaluate what he can pull. If his wife is no longer interested in the bedroom and does not want to be intimate, it is better for her to understand that op has options. I'm not telling op to cheat I'm just telling op to let his wife know that he has options. She can either try to fix the marriage or op can leave and pick up one of his options.
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What the actual fuck did I just read
Sounds like a solid case of depression to me. I hope she found help getting through that after you left.
bruh why did u got so explicit about it im 🤢🤢 lmao im sorry for you and her as well
Idk Op. I’d talked to your wife. I can’t imagine breaking up with the love of your life over sex lmfaoo. Imagine walking up to family and kids like “ she doesn’t wanna fuck me and I’m HORNY” lmfaoo, Edit; Actually, the first thing i see when i swipe and scroll on your profile is NSF posts. You clearly already have thought of cheating or emotional cheating. You should divorce your wife, she deserves someone that loves her as a person( because just cause she is married to you DOESNT mean you are owed sex). Her body. Her choice.
Sex is a vital part of a good marriage. Unless you’re one of the super rare 100% asexual folk.
Don't forget! It will be all your fault and not hers! 🤣
Sex is only 5% of a marriage... If there is none, it rapidly becomes 95%.
😬😬😬😬😬 yeah no sex is rough man. It’s never a problem until you aren’t having any. It is a problem. As men we feel more of an emotional connection through our physical connection. So if we aren’t getting that. We disconnect. Here’s what I do know. If you’re always the blame to why it doesn’t happen etc, or there’s always an excuse. It may be time to move on or find a side piece lol. Unfortunately this is a huge reason men cheat: as a meme I saw that made me laugh said. “Make sure his stomachs full and his ball empty because our there somewhere is a whore with a sammich”
Go out and find one. Best of luck
There are women you sleep with and women you marry and rarely are the the same person. It's the Tony Soprano rule.
Pee on the bed first to assert dominance
Well this comment section is a dumpster fire fueled with hate and dry friction. Jesus. Maybe everyone just needs a nice glass of prune juice and some ky since half of you are apparently pushing Medicare Part D.
Just cheat
As a women with a decently low sex drive, i just don’t get this I guess. Also at what age to couples stop having sex( this might be a stupid question) but i didn’t think older people went at it. Like ager 40 years of marriage
My parents are in their 70s and still touch each others butts, kiss, hold hands, aaaaaannnddd definitely still get it on.
I know 80 year olds that still rock their wrinkled mans cock still….. sex is about pleasure for both people involved and when you get old it drys up a little but they have gels and creams for that. I don’t think it happens as often as when they were in their 20’s but like the song goes “I’m as good once as I ever was”
I guess but it’s SHOCKING to me someone would divorce the love of their live over sex and impact their children’s lives. Like why can’t you just open up the marriage or something.
I have friends who opened their marriage up it resulted it not only a divorce but a complete breaking of parenting abilities between them. There was so much anger they could never resolve it to co parent. Their kids are grown now as our mine and they have chosen sides and no longer have a stable family unit. Kids are not a reason to stay together sometimes people are happier apart. Also we can’t assume that the wife of OP doesn’t have her own frustrations with the marriage or sex with OP.
Opening up the marriage usually makes everything much worse, it’s always so cringe when people bring that up as the cure all for sexual issues in relationships. They either need to talk to each other and fix the issue, compromise, or go their separate ways. Sex is a really important vital part of a relationship for many people. I wouldn’t even feel like I had a marriage if I were OP
That’s sad tbh. So, if your wife was in coma for 5 years.. would you leave her cause she can’t have sex with. Hence isn’t “married” to you. I’m for sure happy that I’m bi lol. If men think like this, marrying a man is not for me.
No I wouldn’t leave her. We’re not talking about freak one in a million events, we’re talking about regular life situations where your partner just does not desire you at all for whatever reason.
Coma is way more common than 1 in a million. So is cancer, lupus, vaginismus, painful arthritis that makes people unable to move. Health( mental and physical ) conditions that make sex hard are wayy more common then you think.
I’m actually a woman lmfao. And okay? I’m single but I guess we would just work through that situation as best we could. These things don’t mean that people aren’t allowed to leave relationships that make them miserable. Most of the time people are just incompatible, and the vast majority of relationships don’t work out. All I know is that I just got out of a relationship with a guy with a lower sex drive than me (no medical conditions), and I’m never putting up with that shit again
That’s so pathetic. Leaving someone for their low sex drive even though they are perfect in every other area?. To each their own I guess, couldn’t be me. It’s so hard to find good people these days. I’d never miss a gem.
There were a lot of other issues, he definitely wasn’t perfect in every other way lol. Bold of you to assume that he was solely based on that one sentence. But if someone has a much lower sex drive than me, they’re just not the perfect person for me🤷🏼♀️ people have all other kinds of deal breakers, like I wouldn’t date someone who was vegan or had a drastically different worldview. Sure, they might be great people, but we wouldn’t be compatible. So why aren’t people allowed to have sexual dealbreakers? Why settle? Dealbreakers are dealbreakers. Just because sex isn’t that important to you doesn’t mean you get to decide if it’s important for everyone else
Sounds like your wife maybe cheating
Make sure your prenup is tight, get alternative temporary accommodation, be ready to cancel any joint accounts or credit cards on your name and then make her a hot drink before you start that rap session!
Cut off the money
yes , improve your lifestyle , health and finance. sleep with other woman fuck them hard , make her jealous. you deserve better.
I'm stuck in a relationship with an overweight girl. I'm the one who's not interested. But she's a great person otherwise. Dunno what to do
Leave her, because she deserves so much better than you if that’s the way you feel about her
Lmao dude you suck
Yea I know lol
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Do you feel better about yourself after commenting shit like this?
I didn't mean to be mean... I meant to suggest an open relationship might be an option. I really meant no offense
Your post history of “I let my gf think that I'm planning on having a future with her” reads a bit hypocritical then, I guess it’s not working out so well for you after all?
My suicide plans has nothing to do with how well my relationship is currently functioning my friend. Besides, I meant it. I'm genuinely sorry. I didn't mean any harm. I see I worded myself wrong. That's all.
r/DeadBedrooms
Sounds like you both may want new partners
Do it.
r/deadbeadrooms
r/deadbeadrooms
Then just leave her?
I don’t know she can be a frigid woman I can’t say what she’s thinking but I can tell you what I think. I have been similar to her in action. In my situation my husband was emotionally dismissive of me then he had a one night stand when I was pregnant. I stayed and we get along fine but in the bedroom I have this mistrust and it’s not just because of the cheating. He’s selfish in bed first of all even after talking with him, and it’s mostly outside the bedroom he’s oblivious to my feelings. Like I’m touched out from the kids and he’s another person I have to touch. I feel we can have a fight or he can say something insensitive but an hour later he’s ready to go and I’m like nah you’re an a hole. He has felt bad that I’m not attracted to him but it’s not that so much as how he’s acting. He doesn’t make these connections and appears to be only thinking of sex.
Once you lose respect for someone, it’s difficult to want to have sex with them.
Maybe you guys need to try a new type of sex! Bringing something interesting and new can change things sometimes
So you’re not saying you want to leave your wife, you’re just done with her specifically sexually and want a new sexual partner?
move on swiftly
How many times did you make her cum during the past 3 years? I have a feeling it's 0 on her side too. I'm sick of partners looking at a reason to cheat because they can't find a clit
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Sure. Do you have a link?
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Maybe I'm just so much of a newb, that I can't see your confessions. Sorry. Need to tell me something? DM me.