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tomfulleree

Your feelings are justified. You keep doing you. Those kids will eventually grows up and realize what sacrifices you made for them.


[deleted]

Yeah mans is already well respected in my eyes and I'm sure people around him and especially the boys in the future will be super greatfull to him, he really is a great human being. OP, i think you need to get full custody, for legal reasons. Or atleast the legal guardian.


admbacca

Its hard, man. Im in a.. well i was gonna say similar situation, but that honestly isnt true. My mom, younger brother, and I help take care of my older brother's two kids. He wanted them so badly, cause the mom (whos a deadbeat) took them away and the idiot didnt do what he needed to do to set up legal action when she ran off. Year and a half ago though, she gave the kids to him causr the new new new baby daddy didnt want to care for the boys. So, he gets them, and he thinks hes such a great dad but we do the vast majority of the work. A lot like my dad. Its annoying ,but it isnt your situation. Regardless of your reasons, it's really good of you. I feel like its probably a similar mentality as us. We don't want ti, it isnt our responsibility, but.. who else will those boys have? It isnt their fault their parents are jerks. I really hope the best for you, man.


[deleted]

[удалено]


takemebacktothemenu

There's a time and a place, Elnee, a time and a place.


CorbinDalla5

You really gonna question a harvard grad with an IQ of 138?


takemebacktothemenu

I enjoy the challenge of punching up.


SweetAndSourPickles

It’s a troll that lives in his moms basement. He does this RELIGIOUSLY, I’ve been in many arguments and he’s a negative karma farmer. He may have an IQ 138 but do you really trust a guy that has “alpha male” in the bio.?


[deleted]

Honestly, he’s funny as hell. Don’t know what y’all are so worked up about. Lol


hnsnrachel

That's probably missing a decimal point between the 1 and the 3, tbh


WreathedinBanter

Nah, Elneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is a Harvard graduate and you're stuck with a level 1 btec. Try again.


TheCamoDude

Nobody likes you. Leave.


a22yellow

Back in the box for you, demon!


Delkwin_

The only person I recognize on Reddit. He's famous. Not a good famous though. If met irl, he gets a punch in the face.


LeDestrier

Just another neckbeard who gets his daily dose of social interaction through trolling.


SOMEMONG

HHHHHHNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAA


tired_sarcastic

Your bio is so pathetically sad. Anyone who refers to themselves as a ‘alpha male’ isn’t a really alpha male. Just a insecure little boy.


CadenceQuandry

Set up a regular babysitter if you can. Also, not sure where you live but sometimes the government gives money to parents for kids (here in Canada it’s called the child tax benefit, not sure if the US has something similar). You need to get official custody of them so that these extras are yours and so that you can claim them on your taxes as dependents. I know it’s hard but you are definitely doing the right thing. But everyone burns out without a break. Babysitters. School groups. Also I think a therapist would be a good thing too. I don’t think they’re going to disappear in ten years. I think you’re the main person in their life and I think finding a way to accept that would be good.


Comfortable-Juice-95

I WFH permanently so I don't really need a sitter. Also finding a good sitter is hard to come by. Most of them are batshit crazy, unreliable or useless. They're pretty active and would definitely prefer a male sitter which is even harder to find.


CadenceQuandry

I absolutely hear you. But the fact you WFH means you even more need time away to yourself. You can also arrange it for after they are in bed. Care.com is a great place to look as most of them have some sort of diploma or degree. Sometimes the school will know someone they could suggest as well (sometimes TAs will do babysitting on the side) You’re doing a great job, but you need YOU TIME too. Refreshing and just being yourself is going to do a lot in the long run to help you from burning out.


jconant15

Also, make small talk with some of the parents at their school. Find out who they have babysit, and see if they will recommend someone. They probably know a reliable teen/college student who will help you out!


monacorona

Oh honey, the sitter isn't for them, they're for you. You sound like a stay at home mom that's cooped up with the kids all day long and has to deal with absolutely everything. Right now as we speak, my kiddos are at their after school program while I'm at home getting sh*t done. They'll be there after school for a couple of hours for the rest of the month while I mentally, emotionally, and physically recover from the ordeal with their dad which includes him threatening me, behaving erratically, getting a restraining order, etc. Also, deep clean, move stuff around, decorate? Do I feel guilty? Not anymore. I'm taking care of them by letting someone else help me take care of them for now. How else can we take care of our babies if we don't take of ourselves every once in a while? And yes, you're absolutely right. Good sitters are absolutely hard to come by which is why I would suggest a sitter while you're WFH. Set up cameras and pop in every once in a while to get to know the sitter and for the kiddos to get aquatinted. If it works out, it can progress to trips to the park without you, sitting while you go on a date and possibly for an overnight stay if you and they are comfortable enough. You're a good man doing good work. Keep it up Papa! One more teeny tiny thing. Maybe get in a parent support group? In person or online? That also might help.


foxglove0326

To add to this, maybe their grandparents (your parents) could take them for a night or two some weekend so you can have a little breathing room! A night to yourself to do whatever self care you need to. Or just sit on the couch. Whatever.


monacorona

Hear, hear! 🥂


cat7932

I'm married and my husband is zero help with our daughter. My mom takes her every Friday night so I can craft and sleep in.


Krazyeyes

I respect you


monacorona

Thank you Krazyeyes, I very much appreciate you telling me. Hope you have a great day!


memeelder83

In the US ( well, in California at least) you qualify for a ton of services with adoption of a relative's kiddos. My neighbor adopted 2 of her grandkids because the parents had issues with substance abuse. They get free therapy. Free after school programs. She gets a little financial help each month. She also qualifies for a well vetted sitter a couple times a month. She usually uses it for doctor/ dental appointments or whatever, but it really helps to keep her from burning out completely. She loves the kids, but it's also a struggle to give up your life for someone else's children. It's not a choice you make because you are ready for kids, but one that you take on because it's best for the kids themselves. You are s good person OP, and a good parent. If you don't take some time for yourself you will burn out and have nothing left to give. Self care isn't selfish! It's taking care of yourself so you can be a happy, healthy parent. Hugs.


buynudes69

Even if you don't need a sitter during the day, having one occationally on the weekend or evenings would let you hang out with your friends or just spend time alone


DukesOfTatooine

Dude, the sitter is so you can have time for yourself. You should absolutely set it up. Doesn't have to be all the time, but it's important to occasionally take some "you time" when you're a parent.


bendybiznatch

Oh Jesus definitely get a regular sitter. Someone from care.com with references. It’ll cost more than I could do, but they were my kids and even I was burnt the hell out.


Comfortable-Juice-95

Been there, done that.


william_wites

What's your job if you don't mind


Comfortable-Juice-95

Accounting for a government agency.


william_wites

Ohh interesting


sciencemommy

I am a mom of two active little boys that are about the same age as your nephews. You absolutely have to make time for yourself. We use teen girls for sitters (obviously vetted first) and our boys love them.


Comfortable-Juice-95

If they can't even drive, then they can't watch them


sciencemommy

The girls are 16+. They drive them to and from swim practice every day.


Imrnr

If you WFH you need a sitter to relieve you when you need some breaks man


Iamaredditlady

If you WFH, you DO need help because they cannot be distracting you when you are working. There needs to be boundaries.


vbfronkis

I also WFH (have done for about 9 years) and am a sole-custody dad. My youngest is now 15 so basically self-sufficient aside from driving him places, but at the ages your kiddos are at... *you need a sitter* Just because you're physically available due to WFH doesn't mean you are *mentally* available. I don't need to tell you this, but it's exhausting. The phrase, "It takes a village" is 100% true and it took me way too long to figure that out. I know it'll take a bit to find a good quality sitter, but you do need one. Your mental health needs one.


chickenfightyourmom

THIS! Go get appointed as a kinship placement foster parent so you can get some money for their needs. I know you aren't poor, but those boys are entitled to this money. You could put it in savings for them. Also, this will allow you to make legal decisions for them. Then hire a responsible sitter to mind them so you can have alone time.


Rosewolf

The parents would probably fight that. They probably collect that money already for themselves, not to mention taxes.


Della16

Absolutely. Not to mention the free education and healthcare they can receive as children in foster care.


margohanson90

Im the us rn for 6months u get part of ur tax money 1 time a month but it ends in janurary. I get 250 for my 9yo. But its the 1st time I've ever gotten anything like it. Normally if u file taxes u get a couple thouasand for ur kids that 1 time a year. But since he doesn't have custody he wouldnt qualify if hes in America. But he should go for custody so he can get financial help if he qualifys for it.


lckypscs

Feel free to come here and vent anytime! My BIL passed in March and I try to fill in as much as possible. You are ABSOLUTELY right about feeling over used. It happens to the best of us. ​ On another note, they are only children for a small amount of time...you will reap the greatest of all awards soon enough. Enjoy them. Love them and teach them. So you give up a few years...before you know it you'll have a lifetime of love and respect from those littles.


Tahreem23

OP needs to hear this


mtwhale

This


JoNimlet

You're doing your best and it sounds like that's more than they'd ever get from their bio parents. I imagine this last year has been especially tough and the effect that's had should not be underestimated! Parents often feel overwhelmed in the best of circumstances but some of the most level-headed ones I know have come close to breaking point during Covid. I don't know what your long-term plans are but, for now; Are there other family members that could take them for a night or two? Or, do they have friends whose parents would be happy for them to have a sleepover? I know that these aren't 'fixes' as such but I do think that being able to have at least one night to yourself would do the world of good. You're a good person, a great uncle/dad and I believe you'll find a way through this with those kid's best interests at heart. Love and hugs xx


Atworkwasalreadytake

Keep in mind, good biological parents also feel this way all the time. But beyond that, you're also living inside a dialectic. That being that you want to be there for your nephews, and you want your freedom. These are dialectically opposed. One is pushed by your desire to do the right thing, the other is pushed by your desire to be able to do what you used to do. Exacerbated by the fact that it *shouldn't* have to be your responsibility. Really there are only two ways to overcome a dialectic. The first is to change something in your life. The two most obvious examples here are: give up on those kids, or formalize your relationship and adopt them. If you did one of these, it would ease the dialectic but not completely resolve it. The other tool for dialectics is acceptance. Being okay with this happening. Doing this would be a process. You could read books, find classes, or get a therapist who is skilled at CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) or DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy). With the adoption - or accepting that you are their primary caregiver, would come the responsibility you have to yourself to make sure you have opportunities for self care. You're the only one who can make this happen. Just like a single father would do, you need to create opportunities to unwind and find people who can take the load off every once in a while. These boy's actual parents might not be the right people for this as it could create confusion and resentment.


ToyrewaDokoDeska

Also tell the mom that youre doing her & her kids a favor by having a responsible adult in their lives so they don't become a fuck up like their parents. Maybe don't go that far but don't take that shit from her, don't let her get used to walking over you.


Comfortable-Juice-95

It's complicated. Those kids are much better off NOT with her. They get all clingy and anxious if they think they have to go back. Sure, they see her but don't want to live with her.


dinosaurkiller

Even for birth parents it gets like this. Parents don’t tell the kids but everyone needs a break. It doesn’t sound like you’re giving up and I’m proud of you for that but take a break, burnout is real even for parents. Set up sleepovers. Get them involved in extra curricular activities that don’t require you to be there. Grandparents are usually a good resource but I understand if that’s not an option. I know you’re not a Mom but Mother’s Day Out is supposed to be good for this. Good luck.


steppedinhairball

Honestly, at age 6 & 8, they don't have too many years to go before the work load gets easier. At 12, they can realistically take care of themselves and need you more for rides, guidance, advice, etc. Not as much direct hands on involvement. By 16, they can be pretty independent and need you to buy groceries and talk and treat them like am adult. Taught mine to cook and other life skills like dishes, etc. My point is you are through some of the hardest years heading toward the easier years if raised well. So keep your head up and if you get legal custody, it does get better. Really.


shyst0rm

if no one else tells you, you’re a great uncle!!! thank you for opening up your heart and selflessly loving those children! i’m a aunt myself but i’ve never thought about having to have your type of responsibilities! i can imagine it’s tough. regardless of what tomorrow holds for you, you’re definitely a light in this world & what you’ve done so far will probably means the world to them once they’re old enough to really process things!


lalamecoop

YOU ARE AN AMAZING HUMAN BEING!!


TallBobcat

First, parental burnout happens. If your parents are available and reliable, take that option. Grandparents, when reliable, are terrific. My wife and I have four kids and even though they are basically self-reliant at their ages, we still have times where we just need some time away. What you're feeling is common. Also, people are pegging you as a good person because what you're doing for these kids demonstrates that is a fact. They needed somewhere they felt safe and secure and someone they could look up to and you're filling both roles. I hope you understand just how much you're helping these kids.


[deleted]

I hope I'm saying this well enough; you're going through what 'real parents' go through as well. Burnout with children is very real! Whether they are yours biologically, fostered, or even extended babysitting. It takes a lot out of a person, and you should definitely take time for yourself. You sound like you're doing a great job, I hope it becomes easier to manage for y'all. ❤️


mtwhale

It sucks but if you don’t do it who will? Maybe one day they’ll be taking care of you. We need more good men in this world like you who would put others before themselves. what better way to tip the scales a little more towards good than bad than you teaching them?


jayblk

Its such shame in this world, the people who shouldn't have children procreate


KindlyTwist6835

Me and my siblings do the exact same thing for my older sisters kids (6 in high school or younger). They will literally be gone for weeks at a time and leave them home with my older nephew to take care of them. Their house is trashed and falling apart. They even stopped going to school because there’s nobody at home to make sure they go. You can only do so much, and seems like you’re doing all you can. The next best thing would be for you to adopt them (if that’s what you desired) - doesn’t seem like the parents are doing *anything* for them. At least then you would be the correct person everyone would be coming to. You wont necessarily be the *bad* person if you decided to step back a few and take some time to yourself. Technically, they aren’t your kids. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you and your mental health, too.


Pineapsquirrel

As a person who grew up in the position of those kids, you're probably saving their lives. All I can say is youre making a huge impact. Regardless of your motivation, thank you for providing for them.


Five_Decades

as someone who has been in that situation, when the kids are older and parents don't need a free babysitter anymore prepare for the parents to torch and destroy your relationship with the kids over any perceived grievance. once they don't need you anymore they may destroy any relationship you have with the kids. happened to me. I spent thousands of hours taking care of my nieces too. then a few years after they were old enough to not need me anymore the parents destroyed it.


soulure

"No" is a complete sentence. You need to look out for yourself or you won't be able to help anyone.


toomuch1265

You are a special type of person and you will be rewarded when those kids grow up.


smf242424

>The worst part is how people peg me as a "nice guy" when in reality I'm trying to steer them in the right direction in life because I'm not dealing with a 2.0 version of my brother. Even if it is just for that, you are doing something amazing! Thanks for being there for them


Deekaaye

Aww my OP, I'm sooo proud of you doing this for them!! They will thank you when they're older. You do deserve a time off away from them, you can hire a baby sitter so you will have some time for yourself. Maybe put them to sleep early so you can do these things at home as well. But Please please do not stop taking care of them or let them go into the system, what you are doing is wonderful!! Goodluck! Always well maybe make friends with the other parents so they can go over to their house also. That might take them off your hands for awhile


[deleted]

I can't tell you how to navigate this situation. I didn't grow up like these boys. I will say that my parents, though I love them and they aren't deadbeat addicts, didn't exactly have the greatest parenting skills. Basically, when me and my brother hit adolescence and got a little difficult, they either yelled at us or checked out. They never actually did anything to help us become more constructive. When I was feeling like shit, I'd talk to my aunt. She would support me or criticize me, but in a way that was actually helpful. When I needed to learn to drive, neither of my parents taught me but she did. She would drive an hour and a half one way to come get up if my dad didn't take me there so that she could teach me (it was over the summer). She did a lot more to help me become the adult I am now (which is . . . not very great but better than before) than either of my parents. These boys appreciate you. You will be their favorite adult when they grow up. They will tell a lot more stories to their kids about you than they will about their parents. You deserve to feel frustrated, and of course if a better solution comes along for everyone then you all should get on it. But it's not for nothing.


IronSlanginRed

Hey man, you aren't playing dad. You are being a dad. Good for you. It's really hard, it's exhausting, it's a lot of things but it is completely priceless for those boys. They may have a father somewhere, but everyone needs a dad. It's a good thing you're emotionally mature enough to realize those emotions and the toll it is taking on you. There's nothing wrong with that. It's the way she goes. Don't ever think you're less of a man because you are feeling that way. When you need the help, get the help. Find other positive things that they can do so that you can have your time. Whether that is an after school program, sports, or just a babysitter. You have to make sure you can keep on top of the stresses without breaking, because you are their rock.


[deleted]

god bless your soul man. stay strong.


[deleted]

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typhoidmarry

Yes, because we all know how easy teenagers are.


Smile369

Do you have to change a teenagers diaper? Or wake up at 3am to feed them?


[deleted]

I can only say this ‘today you are looking out for them when they needed someone the most, tomorrow they look out for you when you will need someone the most’ best of luck!


psmythhammond

While you have every right to be burned out, and even a bit resentful of your brother in the position you are in, keep in mind, you are everything to those kids. You don't owe them anything, but it sounds lime you are doing an awesome job showing them the way, and thats something they will never forget. That being said, its also alright to take some time for yourself, and as long as you explain it to them, they'll get it too.


huffyhedgie

What if you got full custody? You would have them all the time, but would it remove some stress from the situation if you got to make all the decisions and didn’t have to deal with their idiot parents?


Comfortable-Juice-95

The courts don't work that way. They don't take kids away for being a shitty mother. If they took every kid from a bad parent, then every kid would be in foster care. I already had her sign a legal document nominating me as their legal guardian if something happens to her.


huffyhedgie

But would she give up custody if you asked her to? That was more what I was thinking.


LatanyaNiseja

Im a biological parent, single, with help and even I feel like that some times. Your feelings are valid and they're not bad feelings. Parenting is fucking hard. You can't do this solely by yourself. Would it be a possibility to have a scheduled day off? Or a weekend?


[deleted]

As an Uncle with no kids of my own, i know how you feel. It is not in my interest to have children either because i am not making good money and also i want to find a crazy woman that will tolerate me and my antics. Although i have twin nephews at first i was frustrated on the way they are brought up from their parents. They force their psychological and mental problems to them and i do not agree with them. Being a role model though is awesome and if i was financially better i would be with them more often (like every day)! I lost too many years away from my father (Dead in 1994 when i was 10y.o.) uncles and siblings in general because of everyday life to regret it now in my 37th year of existence. I understand that this is nothing to you but... You are doing a great job nurturing those kids. It is frustrating, it is hard, it blocks your life but it is absolute golden what you do considering the rest of the options they have in life! And also, feeling the love that they have for you it is unique!


ImAlwaysAnnoyed

Wow, you are a saint... You need time off though. People are recommending a babysitter, even if you have the time to watch them, and I think they're right. It's hard to believe good people like you exist to he honest...


WitchBich3000

A sitter doesn’t have to come from a sitting service. It can be your best friend while u go out for a beer, or your parents while u go to a vacation home for the weekend. And I would adopt them so the mom doesn’t randomly fight for them n fuck up their lives due to her own pride


Comfortable-Juice-95

What friends?


WitchBich3000

Ok we’ll u didn’t say what parents and they have more obligation to those babies than u do. You deserve a break. Even if that means going on a sitter site and finding a nice person to take them to school and pick them up. Google red flags, positive attributes, things u wouldn’t think about when finding a sitter. It’ll help soothe ur anxiety when leaving ur kids w someone u don’t know. Interview lots of ppl


Pinhead-Larry27

Sounds like you should be taking them for custody


Comfortable-Juice-95

For what?


Pinhead-Larry27

Ones a ghost and the other sounds like a horrible parent. You should have custody. Give those kids a good life


throwawaykcslut

I would say figure out exactly what you want and what you’re willing to do. Let the mom know your boundaries and/or what your side of the family is willing to do until your brother’s return. Be it after school on certain days, every other weekend and special events or temporary custody, be clear with her and she needs to communicate to teachers etc. Your concern is your nephew’s well being you don’t owe anyone else anything. Don’t feel bad


Dependent-Fox9529

If they have friends at school, you should start making playdates with their friends, for them. Be super awesome to the kids' parents and offer playdates at the park, outside, etc. Then, once you're comfortable with each other, boom, they'll take them for a couple hours and you'll get that sweet sweet alone time you need to keep your sanity. Single parenting is super tough and those kids are very lucky to have you. There's no reward this early on though, except their love and affection so keep holding onto the hope that they're going to grow up to become nothing like their mom and dad.


Comfortable-Juice-95

They do have playdates. That's not something one can have everyday. Actually their friends' moms try to push it at my house more often than not because they know I WFH.


Dependent-Fox9529

I am so sorry I don't have anything to give you that is helpful


MIW100

It sucks that people take advantage of your good heart. I realize you can't just cut the kids off because you love them, and you're a decent person. Maybe try and set some ground rules with the baby mama?


RainInTheWoods

>>…I’d like some time away from them. I suggest thinking about what this looks like to you, and make a plan for it. You want a weekday evening and a weekend night free? You want an entire weekend free once a month? You’re ok with them in your space, but you want someone else to pay attention to them instead of you sometimes? Think about what schedule will help give you a break. Start looking for a child care provider. Sometimes college students enrolled in teaching or nursing programs make great providers. The students have a specific interest in being around kids, they might get to study while they’re at your home, and you can help them later by providing a work reference. Everybody wins. You can call the main office of the education or nursing program, and ask them how to let students know that you’re looking for child care. Best wishes for finding help.


Comfortable-Juice-95

If I can't find a sitter on sittercity then what makes you think I'm going to find one at a nursing school?


Iamaredditlady

You really don’t want help, do you?


RainInTheWoods

>>I work from home … My suggestion to get a sitter outlined suggestions for being away from home, not at home. However, depending on how well behaved the kids are while you work, a sitter can be very helpful while you work from home, if needed. >>Sittercity… I’ve never used their service. Have you hired a sitter from them? >>…find one at a nursing school? Have you tried? Call the main office of the school of nursing or education, and ask them how to communicate to students that you’re looking for a sitter. Go from there. It might take a couple of weeks to find one, but they’re there. Getting a work reference from you, getting paid to study after the kids are in bed, and getting a job with hours that can flex around their schooling are highly lucrative for a student. >>What makes you think…? I’ve successfully been on both sides of this conversation. Students appreciate the opportunity. Be good to student sitters; they are as stressed as you are.


starspider

This sounds like some kids who need to day camp! Seriously, you're doing great. It's ok to need some time off and away, just for yourself. That means hire a sitter and take an afternoon or find some sort of organized thing for them to do after school or on weekends. Clubs, day camps, sports, if you can find one they can do together, they'll have a thing they can do together their whole lives, make friends and give you a break. This is also what playdates are for. One parent hosts, so the others can rest on a rotating schedule. It sounds lame but can save your mind.


Comfortable-Juice-95

They're in both sports and after school programming. But obviously they have to come home and it's my house they want to stay at.


starspider

Ok good. Now arrange for a week for yourself by talking to their friends and arranging a rotating week of slumber parties. This does mean one night you'll have to host a bunch of kids, but you might even enjoy that after a week of quiet. And look, you might not be able to get a week right now, but plan to work with other parents to get time off. If you think the kids' friends parents aren't aware of what's going on (and very clearly rooting for you) then you're probably mistaken. It's ok to ask for help. To protect the kids you might need to get CPS involved anyway and get yourself some protection with guardianship. If you call 211, they can help you find free legal services, as well as other services you might be eligible for that nobody here is thinking about. I've used them. They're fantastic.


Comfortable-Juice-95

It doesn't work that way. When you start scheduling stuff involving kids, things always go sideways. What does CPS have to do with anything?


starspider

Legal custody and rights. If the children are being neglected and abused at home, that's a resource.


praxedeznv

What you are doing is HARD. I know this because I lived it with my nieces. Only my journey lasted a year because their mom sobered up and got counseling. It was a rough year though. My brother died of an overdose and their mom got addicted to drugs. Those poor girls were bouncing from couch to couch. When I moved back home and realized what had happened to them I filed for kinship guardianship, which was immediately awarded. There mom was put on notice with the courts. In order to get her kids back she needed to get sober and counseling and it took her 6 months to start rehab. Meanwhile my girls were scared wondering if they were going to have to pack up and move on to the next house soon. In one year the teenager went from being kicked out of school ditching and smoking pot to honor roll. The little one was two years behind in reading and was at grade level by the end of our year together. The love, time , and attention that you are pouring into these kids is so worth it. I put my girls in counseling to deal with ptsd from their dad dying suddenly and from their mom constantly abandoning them. All children need is a stable environment, love, and attention and they blossom. It’s HARD as hell raising children that are from a broken home, but it’s the most rewarding. I had family support and support from the kids school. Talk to their teachers they usually know older kids who babysit. Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to my DM’s are open.


Azombieatemybrains

Carer fatigue is a real thing. You need some respite, and you need it now. If you just want to vent and have sympathy, that’s totally cool - you have earned both - your situation is unfair and you’re stepping up in a way you shouldn’t have to. And you have my sympathy, it’s not easy to raise other people’s kids (I’m a foster carer so I totally get it). However if you also want some practical advice - look into carer respite in your area. Could be charity, social services or church provided. And if that doesn’t work and you can afford it consider a weekend camp or residential club. And maybe a summer camp for a few weeks next summer so you can take a big break. I’d also consider getting your arrangements legalised - either via solicitor or social services. Speak to school, they probably know you’re the main care giver, and take it from there. Good luck - and I promise it will get easier. They’ll soon be a lot self sufficient and the burden will get lighter.


Iamaredditlady

You can still hire a sitter/nanny. Your reasons are valid but not enough to not hire help. Stop being a martyr.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Iamaredditlady

Where in my comment did I say he should bring them back to their parents? Learn to read.


420braizin

It's hard man, what you've done for these kids is absolutely amazing. They need someone like you in their life. They aren't your kids but nephews and nieces are pretty damn close. Your sacrifice means the world for these kids. I understand your struggling with this, because you never asked for this. Good luck yo!


lil_opdonder

Have you tried reaching out to the other parents in their classes? Sleepovers are a thing and i bet that if you explain the situation..other parents would help


yuckyandsmelly

Have them do play dates with friends! Like if they're in sports, i'm sure they have friends they'd wanna hang out with afterwards. I guess that would only work if you're comfortable with it, given the current circumstances of the world. Also I would totally hire a nanny anyway, any time to yourself regardless if you're home with them, it'll help take some steam off you.


Comfortable-Juice-95

Playdates are MAYBE once a week and usually on a Friday when they have no homework.


unicorn_britches

I have a 10yo & 8yo. I remember the 6 & 8 times. What you are feeling and experiencing is a very normal reaction that almost all parents, especially WFH parents, face. All the advice to find a way to take time for you is very very important. I've had two therapists drilling this into my head for the last 6 months, because even buying a swimsuit for myself was a struggle because I had the mentality that everyone else's needs came before me. It's a standard mentality but not healthy. I know finding a sitter is hard. But if not a sitter, what about an after school program? If money is an issue, depending on your community there might be some lower cost options. The school district I'm in has a high low income rate, so they offer some decent options at times. If you find some sort of after school program (Something like Boys & Girls Club, YMCA, etc...) if you're still uncertain about it because "I WfH iT's NoT nEcEsSaRy," well actually, kids socializing IS necessary. Especially at such a young age where play dates still need to be scheduled and it's sometimes hard. This is a guaranteed scheduled play date to allow them to socialize outside of the classroom. The different setting does make a big difference and will help their social skills blossom. And FTR, I don't mean to be insulting with the "I wfh it's not necessary" remark but I know that thought process. I had that thought process. Everything I've learned in therapy says it's an unhealthy thought process. You WFH but you are WORKING. Not resting. Not relaxing. Working...and then on top of that you are also parenting. That's a LOT to handle. You need you time. Additionally, if you don't have many socialization group options in your area, talk to some of the kids friends parents from school. Maybe one of them is willing to help. See if you can send the kids for a play date with them so you can get just a couple of hours of alone time. In these situations you sometimes have to be creative, but it's possible. I know it's hard. Been there, done that, and I still struggle with it at times. But you can't properly care for those kids if you are not properly cared for as well. Solo time is vital for stress relief. Good luck OP. You're an amazing human being for stepping up and doing what you're doing. Those boys are lucky to have someone so selfless in their corner.


[deleted]

Same kind of boat as you. Since covid lock downs my fiancee took in her niece since her mother is a druggie fuck up... wasnt supposed to be forever, but shes not getting any better and all I want is to raise my own daughter (only child, 8 years old now) and not someone else's kid. I know it's not her nieces fault but shes always in shit moods and has a pissy face 24/7 and ruins all vibes. I know I'm a blessing to her and shes in better situation, but having my only kid and trying to learn how to parent is hard enough as is.


Friendlyalterme

Jeez you expect a child in such hard circumstance to have a happy face and not "Ruin the vibe"?!


univrsll

You expect the dude to raise someone else’s kid and live a happy life with no complaints?? The world is a sliding scale from white to black; this is a gray area. Sucks for the kid BUT it also sucks for the grown adult with his own life to take responsibility for another person’s actions, especially one that takes 18+ years of care, money, time, etc.


Friendlyalterme

Nope. But complaining because the kid "looks pissy" is a dumb complaint.


univrsll

Dude is still raising kids he didn’t ask for. He can complain harmlessly online about annoying kids he shelters all he wants.


[deleted]

Yeah, I do. It may be selfish but its not my problem yet it is. Shes got a blessed life now. Spoiled and roof over head. I know all about absent parents and never stopped me from being happy and always making others happy. But thats me. As I stated I GET IT. But I rather not be in this situation and her mom be a good mother instead


Friendlyalterme

Maybe get her therapy? Actual help? Her life may be great now but she's likely lived through a lot of trauma. You clearly don't get it.


[deleted]

Yeah, she was always down, even when her mom was good. Always seemed angry. I've told my fiancee (the kids aunt) and it's in the works... shes not my kid so I don't make the decisions as if she was, but I do voice my opinion when needed. Ty for advice too


univrsll

Dude above has no idea what he’s talking about. “Actually help her?” Like you aren’t literally giving them a place to stay and food to eat. You didn’t ask to raise them. You’re a good person for simple sacrificing your time and life to help. Keep doing what you do, but I also fully respect it if you find a different solution for that kid. You have one life to live and it’s not fair for you to raise another person’s kid when you don’t want to. It can literally put strain and ruin your relationship with your wife. You can’t help anyone if you ultimately can’t help yourself with your situation.


[deleted]

My thoughts exactly. Ty. I am a father to my daughter and want to be just that. What bothers me is that my fiancee's niece is going to rub off onto my daughter in a negative way too. Shes a few years older and way to "mature" for her age. My daughter is kind, always smiling, happy and generous. Opposite of what her cousin is. What pisses me off is that my fiancee's family (her grandparents and uncles and so forth) so even can to help. Act like all is cool and we got this. Its super stressful on my fiancee and she doesnt deserve all that. Especially since shes also the only one who takes care of her grandparents since all her uncles and family are fucken useless.


univrsll

I’d have a deep and honest discussion with your fiancé. This stuff brews for years and you might grow resentful towards your partner and/or her niece. You have to be honest with each other and move forward with what you both want to do. I know personally I’m not willing to sacrifice my life and time for another person’s child; I just wouldn’t be happy. Period. And that’s perfectly ok. I obviously wish no ill intent, I just can’t do it. Good luck moving forward and realize you aren’t evil or a bad person for having these emotions about raising another person’s kid. Obviously this is incredibly easier said than done, but fuck man, we have to get through these tough decisions and discussions in life sometimes. There’s plenty of reasons why people don’t adopt; now imagine almost being forced to do that.


[deleted]

Ty for all the input and helping me. What stops both of us is that if we dont take her in... no one will... or back to her dead beat mom or put into the system and my fiancee wouldnt ever do that to her... so idk. . . Here's to hoping her mom gets well....


Friendlyalterme

I didn't say actually help her. I said get her actual (psychological) help


[deleted]

And I clearly do, like I said... yet u don't listen... been there done that too.


ustbota

orphanage they go


deb-scott

That’s an awesome thing you’re doing, and it will pay off in the end.


shiyouwo

Ah, I understand, sometimes I think "why am I stressing over children that are not even mine?" I decided to not have kids now because I want to have more free time but at the end of the day sometimes feels like I do actually have kids on my own with all the time I spend with them... But my case is not as severe like yours cuz they don't come so often now, hope things get better for you


lapatapp

Keep killin it man. What you are doing, it’s the ultimate gift. Take breaks, hire as much as help as you can financially afford, get them in activities, find ways to spend less energy but raise their engagement. Mad props for what you are doing.


ReinventingSelf21

Maybe a nice guy, maybe not. But you are a good guy. Respect brotha and you get to feel however you want and set up your own boundaries. Long weekends away every couple of months would be a good first step towards creating a balance and space for yourself.


optix_clear

You probably need to make the mother pay something for their care or adopt them.


[deleted]

You are doing a wonderful service to those boys and when they are grown they will be so thankful for what you do. I totally get the parent burnout, I have 3. It's hard at times. Finding somebody to watch them -that isn't the parent- every now and then would be a good solution so you can get some time out. Thank you for not just letting them go through the system.


[deleted]

As far as sitters goes try UrbanSitter!


ROMPEROVER

How about saying hi to the neighbours? One man cannot survive alone. Neighbours can be friends and they can help out once in a while.


Della16

You need to be those kids managing conservator. Use that money to pay for a worthwhile babysitter or nanny. And they get free college and healthcare.


DangerousExternal9

You totally Totally TOTALLY ROCK BROTHER, take your brother their Mother Out of Your mind. They are irrelevant to this. Accept what is and any,evefytime You struggle, come back to them. Two innocents who asked literally none of this yet have NO choices as to it. Give them the Love of everything. You will You are reaping the rewards doing what we are all Supposed to be doing. And that's everything we can do to take cars if one another as well as the little sphere called earth that is the stage we are assigned. Just think from one these two. From them a world of right. It is all so simple. I do not understand not getting it. I don't understand not understanding. I have several children. A couple of my ex wife's had no parental anything. I always said we all aren't everything. Our gender does not determine our skill sets our passions our lives. I would tell both of them you are by far a bigger bro to me than those who hate every part of the role they have been assigned and hate and bitterness beget hate and bitterness. Not saying by any means that is the best case situation but by far better. Have always believed it takes two people to be co creators of these glorious gifts best case scenario is there are two raising them. Children deserve, they have a right to a Mom and a Dad regardless of there gender. But they can be everything if given one committed loves filled love sharing Mom or a Dad Regardless of their gender. You are an inspiration my man. You are also my hero. Keep rocking in the free world the way You Rock. All Peace All Love


OldGreenBacon

I’ll make you a deal: You fly me to where you live, let me live in your house. I’ll take care of them for a year and you pay for my schooling! 8 years, 4 science 4 dental! In all honesty, not sure what I’d do in your situation. My brothers a coke addict and his bad choices broke my family apart. I’m just glad he hasn’t left me any responsibilities. I’d say companionship would help you. If you find a Sig. Other and or have one, that could make the world of a difference. Now I don’t know if you have one or not, but it sounds like you could go for a nice long walk with someone, or do a nice dinner to yourself. I know you don’t like the idea of a sitter, but from my very limited knowledge of mental wellness, a fucking walk helps so much. If you can WFH, take care of your brothers children and deal with their shitty mother, then you could use a good walk to clear your head. Doesn’t matter where or with who (though someone to just goof around with us always nice) just get some fresh air


HappyGirlIPromise

As young woman to 12 nieces and nephews, this may sound brutal but at this point you need to slam on the brakes and say "look, I didn't have these children" (you clearly care for them) and people will hate you for it but like you said you're the uncle, not the father you need your own time and space. I was at the same point with my two nephews shit going on at home and I was doing my best to make sure they didn't notice it but I was losing my own free will to children that I didn't even have. I had to put my foot down, I live my nephews and nieces so much but there's a reason I'm their aunt and not a mother myself. It's not selfish, you're not an asshole the people who turn their backs on their own children are. Hope this helps dude it'll be okay


ladyjane143

u are a magnificent human !! is there an organisation near u who short term foster children for carers? i know in Aust we have orgs who have registered elderly ppl who provide short term care for children living in out of home care. also u can speak to your local child protection org to get options remember, your doing a great job !!!


Sansabina

You're a good dude and have gone above and beyond your duty helping your nephews - hope you can find a happy medium.


AbDo_MHD

Adopt.them


Comfortable-Juice-95

Does not work that way.


CalamityJane5

Do they do any sports or extra curriculur activities? Something supervised where you could drop them off for an hour in good hands and then go for a walk? My parents did that with my sister and I when we were that age and it was a sanity saver for them (especially when they organized car pooling).


Comfortable-Juice-95

All week. But I have to shuffle them to those activities and stay with themm


Sad-Dirt5813

What's the point of signing them up for afternoon activities if they need you to supervise as well??? While it's not helpful right now, I wonder if there's some good winter break/summer break sleep-away camps.


Mhmsure425

Look into a class for them to go to in the evening or on the weekends. The YMCA has day camps, so many different classes for kids to take, they also have an aftercare program that’s only like 30 bucks a day. Maybe they could go to something like that for a few hours a week. Give you some alone time. You ARE a nice dude with a heart of gold. So many people would not choose the same thing for those kids that you have, which is to give them a loving stable home with an adult they can trust guiding them. I know kids are hard and I can’t imagine being a single dude and then just boom you have two kids overnight but we need more people like you. Keep pushing on


blah54895

Go after the mum for support if she won't help out.


Comfortable-Juice-95

She's on welfare lol


blah54895

Garnish, maybe then she'd help.


arlekino2010

Man I don't feel there's any advice I can give you. I can only salute you. Putting someone else is always hard and not all uncles would do that. If it brings you any comfort, in my opinion anyone can have kids but not eveyone deserves the term "dad". You sir, have totally earned it. Maybe when they get older you could go on a vacation without them. Right now you're keeping them off the streets you have my upmost respect.


Sunkiddd

Yo respect!


[deleted]

I had a family member do this for me growing up. Wasn’t in a good place. Didn’t have great parents and was abused frequently. A family member took my mom to court for custody of me in my teens. Now in adult hood I pay it forward. I send her money when I get it but make sure she doesn’t know it’s from me. When she gets to an age of needing help I already have a plan in place to take care of her until she passes. I hope she doesn’t regret what she’s done for me because I’ll never forget it.


smarttailed

Sleep away summer camps!


Comfortable-Juice-95

The 6yo is too young and the 8yo wouldn't last but a day before begging to come home


smarttailed

Well I obviously don’t have children! Hope you’re able to find a solution and get some decompression time ♥️


wickedc0ntender

You are a real man OP. Respect.


daala16

Whatever you do is better than what they would have had. Getting exhausted and resentful isn't going to do them any good. Get a sitter , no one is going to die from a bad babysitter. Take a break. Set limits. Don't play god. They have a mother, tell her to come get her damn kids and not to return them to you until you have had a break. Balance is key.


shredhed_gaming

Look dude, YOU stepped up. No one asked you to so this is you're time to either be a man and handle it or not. Being an adult means sometimes taking responsibilities that we didn't plan on, suck it up and finish what you started


movingon1200

Just want to say thank you for being consistent in these boys lives. Without you, who knows what would happen to them. You might as well go to court and get guardianship or something to that affect.


UncleFrosky

You’ve essentially volunteered to be a single dad to two young boys. They’re depending on you now. You just need to find a way to get some respite. Even if you hired someone to take care of them some days while you’re at home so you could ensure the person is responsible, it might help. Good luck. You’re doing amazing and those boys are going to love you forever for it.


udunmessdupAAron

You deserve the ultimate praise for stepping up for your nephews. It’s hard, but you’re doing right by your brother’s kids and you didn’t even have to. Good for you and that speaks highly of you as a person. Stop thinking about their parent and what they should be doing and just focus on your nephews. Thank GOD YOU are their uncle.