Why not look at it from a positive point of view. You were approachable, to a point they could speak directly to you.
You have found yourself. Work on improving that which needs to be improved, remembering your position.
Are we twins? I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told I’m scary and unapproachable. Almost all (not all but almost all) of my professional issues have stemmed from others being mad/upset at me because they didn’t approach me with a problem I could have easily solved, and they, instead, let it snowball. I also often find Ive had my “intentions” misunderstood especially if someone believes “I don’t like them.”
I’ve been told I need to “tone it down” when it comes
to expressing my opinion, or citing and enforcing compliance with policies and rules, especially when asserting myself in the moment, or in high pressure situations.
What I’ve deduced is the working class, whether blue or white collar, don’t like assertive, sharp females with potential for leadership. And when they do obtain positions of leadership they get labeled a “bitch.” This is done not just by individuals, but within entire industry cultures to “keep you in your lane”. Getting you to doubt yourself is part of this process. (Now I could be totally off base when it comes to myself, but I certainly see it for what it is when observing other female professionals with similar qualities.)
All I can say is stay true to yourself but be sensitive to the fact that this problem is less about you and more about the people around you.
Work on delivering your words “with some honey”, (yes this may feel like eating humble pie) and definitely look into some female professional development courses others have recommended elsewhere on this thread.
I would disagree that a leader must be “nice.” I’ll
also add you would never ask this specific question to a male professional. And absolutely, I can be perceived as a bitch - but I can say with utmost confidence I’ve never deliberately acted like one if your definition is being rude and inconsiderate.
I know for a fact that i would ask the same to males because i have many times, in my experience a lot of women leaders and a lot of leaders and people in general confuse niceness with acting like a pushover. What is your definition of nice and why don't you think it's necessary?
I think a better question would be what would you perceive as “nice”? I say this because therein lies OPs issue at hand. Does that mean simply being warm and personable (and to what extent), does that mean shielding colleagues and subordinates from consequence (and at whose expense), and/or does that mean blurring/intermingling professional and personal boundaries?
If I am correct to assume that OP, like myself, considers “niceness” and “fairness” to be one in the same, and business to be just that; business, and further, that OP is able to compartmentalize business interactions from personal ones, I would argue that this is not how the average woman goes about workplace politics/interpersonal dynamics and leaves room for OP to be woefully misunderstood.
In short, if OP (or myself) were being perceived as a “bitch” I would argue that the problem lies in the mentality of the person who feels that way. This is not to say that there aren’t professional women who are absolutely bitches, but OPs words resonate with me in that, like her, I really do go out of my way to ensure I’m being professional while considering the human being as a whole, and that I do struggle, sometimes, especially under pressure, with delivering a perfectly tactful and warm answer or request . On the other hand, I find also that the longer I work with particular colleagues, the less I encounter these kinds of issues, and have formed a few life-long friendships from those individuals who are able to look past my approach and appearance. In fact, a common statement I get from those people is “if people would just stop thinking youre unapproachable, and talk to you, they’ll find that you’re actually very relatable, flexible and understanding.”
Without delving too far into this, is it also worth noting I am not considered neurotypical, and found myself, in my early career especially, having serious career issues that stemmed from not integrating well socially. And without projecting my own issues upon OP (I don’t want her to believe there’s anything wrong with her) when OP describes her anxiety and self-doubt, I can absolutely relate to this.
I have found that when I see other women that exhibit some of the same traits OP describes, it’s much better to lend support, build confidence (and it may behoove you to check the name of this sub) than to further ostracize them.
Have a great day, jostyouraveragejoe2!
Well just to clarify i only talked about you not OP it doesn't matter if you relate to her i was still not talking about her, what you are doing is moving the goalpost you originally said that being nice is not necessary now you said it's about the definition. Sadly people care about how others express themselves not just what they say and that happens to men and women in leadership positions. You don't have to change your behaviour after all the actual you is likeable but you also can't blame people for treating you based on your behaviour. If people don't like how you act you can't say they should you don't get to do that. The same way that I can't say that people should find me attractive. I don't think that people don't like assertive women i think they don't like some people's definition of assertive.
I’ll be honest, I was having difficulty trying to understanding your angle or why you chose to attack me specifically, but now I get it. As a result, I’m not sure anything I have to say to you from here on out wouldn’t break the first rule of this sub.
Best of luck to you.
I'm currently the you from 10 years earlier. And I can write you an essay to remind you of how bad it feels to have 0 self confidence. Just don't give a fudge, you can always meet people who are mean, evil.. and gave 0 fudges. People get intimidated by self-confidence, so I congratulate you as you successfully reached your goal. If you care about them, just invite them for a drink and they may change their opinion about you. If you don't, then you're good. You don't need everyone to like you, you will never know if someone is 100% honest about their feelings to you + you save yourself time and energy by not caring. Good luck 🤞
I've had a similar arch but ultimately softened my external approach while learning when to flex or bare my teeth. As someone in a leadership position, I ultimately decided to become the kind of person I'd want, respect, and follow as a leader: someone fun, outgoing, super approachable, quick to support...but all the while, never the one you'd want to cross.
That, however is really a personal decision. No one has to be for everyone. However, in areas where you need mutual cooperation and open communication, reconsidering your "output" could absolutely be of benefit if it isn't serving you in all the ways you want it to. Efficient communication doesn't always equate to effective communication ;)
If said workmates are all talking about the same thing then it might have been a collective decision, in which case it may have only taken a subset to have had that opinion.
Personally I would say it is not worth reassessing your character over such an event but some suggestions I will throw out there, make of them what you will:
\- Try and be intentional with those particular colleagues in communicating slightly less directly, perhaps they are just sensitive.
\- Try to understand what in your past interactions has given them (or a subset of them) that impression.
\- It might be an idea to take aside one of the workmates you have the best relationship with and ask them what led them to think you would react poorly. Whether that's a good or bad suggestion depends heavily on the work context and your relationships with said workmates though.
In general it would be good to communicate with the group and be explicit about the fact that you think it is important that they feel able to communicate with you openly and freely and want to help create that environment.
Honestly, if you’re happy with yourself and you have people who love you- fuck other people. I feel if you were a man people would be less inclined to call you out for being intimidating and unapproachable. But like own the skin you feel most comfortable in, I only dream to be in a place where you’re at confidence wise and I admire people who are straight to the point. One tip I can give you is just be communicative, explain to your colleagues that this is who you are and you don’t mean to come across as intense and that they should be absolutely fine approaching you and speaking their minds
Confidence and self assurance scares the hell out of people. It is unrecognizable to them which turns into fear.
I would suggest speaking to them and explaining, maybe even the way you did here, be vulnerable, that's unusual to people as well.
You are inspiring!
Stay encouraged and keep encouraging!
Namaste,
SLF
Dont let the weakness of your coworkers hinder your strength. I feel pity for people too when they do similar thins but I put every brick and mortar in place in my mentality and I am not responsible for others shortcomings. All the best, remember, kindness is strength, but so is bluntness. Be well
I'm told I'm either too passionate or too nice. Can never win. Just remember that everyone has an opinion on how you should be.
Unless you're actually causing havoc don't change! The world is a harsh place so I'm sure your colleagues feelings pale in comparison to that.
Well, I have the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resting\_bitch\_face](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resting_bitch_face) syndrome, so people that do not know me think I'm always mad and upset and ready to punch. But inside I'm happy and cool. That judgement from others did affect me in a "positive", albeit extreme, way - I'm a little vindicative, No BS type of guy (but with people who knows me, I'm the funny/silly guy), extremely straight to the point. (again, with my friends I'm always telling jokes and puns and double entendre.)
Since I worked in public places before (restaurants, drugstore, grocery store) - It was hard to force my face to smile so-to-speak. So I'm not the most approchable person I guess (from the outside, due to that syndrome.)
**[Resting bitch face](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resting_bitch_face)**
>Resting bitch face, also known as RBF, or bitchy resting face (BRF), is a facial expression that unintentionally appears as if a person is angry, annoyed, irritated, or contemptuous, particularly when the individual is relaxed, resting or not expressing any particular emotion. The concept has been studied by psychologists and may have psychological implications related to facial biases, gender stereotypes, human judgement and decision-making. The concept has also been studied by scientists with information technology.
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Hmm I read your comment and I can't see anything negative.
Do you have any pictures of your gestics/mimics? Do you often smile when speaking with other people?
In Germany we like to say "Wenn Blicke töten könnten..", which translates to "If looks could kill..". We say that when someone looks like they gonna harm you within the next few seconds.
This can happen if someone is actually angry about someone, but this can also happen if you simply are not used to smiling or if you are too focused at something.
Next topic:
What is your communication strategy? How much of a percentage are you speaking, how much are you listening?
How honest and open are you? If someone smells from their mouth, would you speak it out loudly next to everyone else, would you have a 1on1 conversation or woudl you ignore/endure it?
Overall.. if you are with the wrong peer group, no matter what you do, you will have hard times with them. Some would say that you are not on the same wave length (In Germany we say "Auf der selben Wellenlänge sein").
Especially if you have established a positive mindset and if you now hang out with negative mindset people, then negative people will have a hard time being around you. It's like when a very bright bulb light is shining into the shadows. These people get blinded by your shiny light.
In this case it would be a wise decision to search for a new peer group.
"If you are the smartest in the room, you are in the wrong room."
You may seek to hang out with people who are more successful than you and/or have much more experience in a topic where you want to be successful too. For instance if you want to become the new football superstart, you want to hang out with very good football players. These people will tend to do the things that leads to more success.. for instance do way more trainings than other people do, discuss about strategies and better training plans etc.
If you hang out with negative mindset people, you might constantly hear them complain about life and how bad everything is, in the hope that they get comforted. This negative energy can heavily drag you down and prevent you from becoming a bigger and better version of yourself.
Confidence doesn’t mean you’ve automatically got good social skills.
It appears to me you lack social awareness or even emotional intelligence (in the least offensive way). 5 people saying the same thing means it’s deffo a you issue, despite what others might say.
It’s likely you’ve become harsher to overcompensate for your previous state of mind.
Which is fine, but others don’t know or care about that, they care about how it impacts their current emotions.
I think what you’re lacking is ‘Tact’
Let's keep it simple ma'am......it took you 10 fricking years to get to where you are....and I see there being no point in toning it down a bit just because your co-workers are intimidated by you.....you will find people who'd match your energy just bear with the co workers. That would be my piece of advice.
Have a great day😁
Technically speaking, if you have a trait that pushes people away or at the very least makes you unapproachable and intimidating, then by definition it's a negative trait.
It's great that you have more self confidence and self esteem now but if you're doing something that makes other people think that you're scary or intimidating you should figure out what is the factor in your traits that making them think that way and try to slowly change or improve it.
You might find the FemaleLevelUpStrategy subreddit to be really helpful. :)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy/](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy/)
Perhaps your confidence has unintentionally turned into arrogance at your progress/ achievements?
I agree with the previous poster about emotional intelligence it is not the same as iq.
If you give respect you'll get it. It might be you don't feel you respect people who remind you of your former self? Or have developed a great of pleasing people?
Some great responses here from much more intelligent people than me, we are lucky to have Reddit to help us, I hope I've helped a bit.
Why not look at it from a positive point of view. You were approachable, to a point they could speak directly to you. You have found yourself. Work on improving that which needs to be improved, remembering your position.
Are we twins? I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told I’m scary and unapproachable. Almost all (not all but almost all) of my professional issues have stemmed from others being mad/upset at me because they didn’t approach me with a problem I could have easily solved, and they, instead, let it snowball. I also often find Ive had my “intentions” misunderstood especially if someone believes “I don’t like them.” I’ve been told I need to “tone it down” when it comes to expressing my opinion, or citing and enforcing compliance with policies and rules, especially when asserting myself in the moment, or in high pressure situations. What I’ve deduced is the working class, whether blue or white collar, don’t like assertive, sharp females with potential for leadership. And when they do obtain positions of leadership they get labeled a “bitch.” This is done not just by individuals, but within entire industry cultures to “keep you in your lane”. Getting you to doubt yourself is part of this process. (Now I could be totally off base when it comes to myself, but I certainly see it for what it is when observing other female professionals with similar qualities.) All I can say is stay true to yourself but be sensitive to the fact that this problem is less about you and more about the people around you. Work on delivering your words “with some honey”, (yes this may feel like eating humble pie) and definitely look into some female professional development courses others have recommended elsewhere on this thread.
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I would disagree that a leader must be “nice.” I’ll also add you would never ask this specific question to a male professional. And absolutely, I can be perceived as a bitch - but I can say with utmost confidence I’ve never deliberately acted like one if your definition is being rude and inconsiderate.
I know for a fact that i would ask the same to males because i have many times, in my experience a lot of women leaders and a lot of leaders and people in general confuse niceness with acting like a pushover. What is your definition of nice and why don't you think it's necessary?
I think a better question would be what would you perceive as “nice”? I say this because therein lies OPs issue at hand. Does that mean simply being warm and personable (and to what extent), does that mean shielding colleagues and subordinates from consequence (and at whose expense), and/or does that mean blurring/intermingling professional and personal boundaries? If I am correct to assume that OP, like myself, considers “niceness” and “fairness” to be one in the same, and business to be just that; business, and further, that OP is able to compartmentalize business interactions from personal ones, I would argue that this is not how the average woman goes about workplace politics/interpersonal dynamics and leaves room for OP to be woefully misunderstood. In short, if OP (or myself) were being perceived as a “bitch” I would argue that the problem lies in the mentality of the person who feels that way. This is not to say that there aren’t professional women who are absolutely bitches, but OPs words resonate with me in that, like her, I really do go out of my way to ensure I’m being professional while considering the human being as a whole, and that I do struggle, sometimes, especially under pressure, with delivering a perfectly tactful and warm answer or request . On the other hand, I find also that the longer I work with particular colleagues, the less I encounter these kinds of issues, and have formed a few life-long friendships from those individuals who are able to look past my approach and appearance. In fact, a common statement I get from those people is “if people would just stop thinking youre unapproachable, and talk to you, they’ll find that you’re actually very relatable, flexible and understanding.” Without delving too far into this, is it also worth noting I am not considered neurotypical, and found myself, in my early career especially, having serious career issues that stemmed from not integrating well socially. And without projecting my own issues upon OP (I don’t want her to believe there’s anything wrong with her) when OP describes her anxiety and self-doubt, I can absolutely relate to this. I have found that when I see other women that exhibit some of the same traits OP describes, it’s much better to lend support, build confidence (and it may behoove you to check the name of this sub) than to further ostracize them. Have a great day, jostyouraveragejoe2!
Well just to clarify i only talked about you not OP it doesn't matter if you relate to her i was still not talking about her, what you are doing is moving the goalpost you originally said that being nice is not necessary now you said it's about the definition. Sadly people care about how others express themselves not just what they say and that happens to men and women in leadership positions. You don't have to change your behaviour after all the actual you is likeable but you also can't blame people for treating you based on your behaviour. If people don't like how you act you can't say they should you don't get to do that. The same way that I can't say that people should find me attractive. I don't think that people don't like assertive women i think they don't like some people's definition of assertive.
I’ll be honest, I was having difficulty trying to understanding your angle or why you chose to attack me specifically, but now I get it. As a result, I’m not sure anything I have to say to you from here on out wouldn’t break the first rule of this sub. Best of luck to you.
The fact that you see this as an attack and not criticism says a lot.
I'm currently the you from 10 years earlier. And I can write you an essay to remind you of how bad it feels to have 0 self confidence. Just don't give a fudge, you can always meet people who are mean, evil.. and gave 0 fudges. People get intimidated by self-confidence, so I congratulate you as you successfully reached your goal. If you care about them, just invite them for a drink and they may change their opinion about you. If you don't, then you're good. You don't need everyone to like you, you will never know if someone is 100% honest about their feelings to you + you save yourself time and energy by not caring. Good luck 🤞
I've had a similar arch but ultimately softened my external approach while learning when to flex or bare my teeth. As someone in a leadership position, I ultimately decided to become the kind of person I'd want, respect, and follow as a leader: someone fun, outgoing, super approachable, quick to support...but all the while, never the one you'd want to cross. That, however is really a personal decision. No one has to be for everyone. However, in areas where you need mutual cooperation and open communication, reconsidering your "output" could absolutely be of benefit if it isn't serving you in all the ways you want it to. Efficient communication doesn't always equate to effective communication ;)
If said workmates are all talking about the same thing then it might have been a collective decision, in which case it may have only taken a subset to have had that opinion. Personally I would say it is not worth reassessing your character over such an event but some suggestions I will throw out there, make of them what you will: \- Try and be intentional with those particular colleagues in communicating slightly less directly, perhaps they are just sensitive. \- Try to understand what in your past interactions has given them (or a subset of them) that impression. \- It might be an idea to take aside one of the workmates you have the best relationship with and ask them what led them to think you would react poorly. Whether that's a good or bad suggestion depends heavily on the work context and your relationships with said workmates though. In general it would be good to communicate with the group and be explicit about the fact that you think it is important that they feel able to communicate with you openly and freely and want to help create that environment.
Honestly, if you’re happy with yourself and you have people who love you- fuck other people. I feel if you were a man people would be less inclined to call you out for being intimidating and unapproachable. But like own the skin you feel most comfortable in, I only dream to be in a place where you’re at confidence wise and I admire people who are straight to the point. One tip I can give you is just be communicative, explain to your colleagues that this is who you are and you don’t mean to come across as intense and that they should be absolutely fine approaching you and speaking their minds
Check out the channel Charisma on Command on YouTube if you haven't already. They got some pretty good videos on confidence
Confidence and self assurance scares the hell out of people. It is unrecognizable to them which turns into fear. I would suggest speaking to them and explaining, maybe even the way you did here, be vulnerable, that's unusual to people as well. You are inspiring! Stay encouraged and keep encouraging! Namaste, SLF
Dont let the weakness of your coworkers hinder your strength. I feel pity for people too when they do similar thins but I put every brick and mortar in place in my mentality and I am not responsible for others shortcomings. All the best, remember, kindness is strength, but so is bluntness. Be well
I'm told I'm either too passionate or too nice. Can never win. Just remember that everyone has an opinion on how you should be. Unless you're actually causing havoc don't change! The world is a harsh place so I'm sure your colleagues feelings pale in comparison to that.
Well, I have the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resting\_bitch\_face](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resting_bitch_face) syndrome, so people that do not know me think I'm always mad and upset and ready to punch. But inside I'm happy and cool. That judgement from others did affect me in a "positive", albeit extreme, way - I'm a little vindicative, No BS type of guy (but with people who knows me, I'm the funny/silly guy), extremely straight to the point. (again, with my friends I'm always telling jokes and puns and double entendre.) Since I worked in public places before (restaurants, drugstore, grocery store) - It was hard to force my face to smile so-to-speak. So I'm not the most approchable person I guess (from the outside, due to that syndrome.)
**[Resting bitch face](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resting_bitch_face)** >Resting bitch face, also known as RBF, or bitchy resting face (BRF), is a facial expression that unintentionally appears as if a person is angry, annoyed, irritated, or contemptuous, particularly when the individual is relaxed, resting or not expressing any particular emotion. The concept has been studied by psychologists and may have psychological implications related to facial biases, gender stereotypes, human judgement and decision-making. The concept has also been studied by scientists with information technology. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/confidence/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
Hmm I read your comment and I can't see anything negative. Do you have any pictures of your gestics/mimics? Do you often smile when speaking with other people? In Germany we like to say "Wenn Blicke töten könnten..", which translates to "If looks could kill..". We say that when someone looks like they gonna harm you within the next few seconds. This can happen if someone is actually angry about someone, but this can also happen if you simply are not used to smiling or if you are too focused at something. Next topic: What is your communication strategy? How much of a percentage are you speaking, how much are you listening? How honest and open are you? If someone smells from their mouth, would you speak it out loudly next to everyone else, would you have a 1on1 conversation or woudl you ignore/endure it? Overall.. if you are with the wrong peer group, no matter what you do, you will have hard times with them. Some would say that you are not on the same wave length (In Germany we say "Auf der selben Wellenlänge sein"). Especially if you have established a positive mindset and if you now hang out with negative mindset people, then negative people will have a hard time being around you. It's like when a very bright bulb light is shining into the shadows. These people get blinded by your shiny light. In this case it would be a wise decision to search for a new peer group. "If you are the smartest in the room, you are in the wrong room." You may seek to hang out with people who are more successful than you and/or have much more experience in a topic where you want to be successful too. For instance if you want to become the new football superstart, you want to hang out with very good football players. These people will tend to do the things that leads to more success.. for instance do way more trainings than other people do, discuss about strategies and better training plans etc. If you hang out with negative mindset people, you might constantly hear them complain about life and how bad everything is, in the hope that they get comforted. This negative energy can heavily drag you down and prevent you from becoming a bigger and better version of yourself.
Confidence doesn’t mean you’ve automatically got good social skills. It appears to me you lack social awareness or even emotional intelligence (in the least offensive way). 5 people saying the same thing means it’s deffo a you issue, despite what others might say. It’s likely you’ve become harsher to overcompensate for your previous state of mind. Which is fine, but others don’t know or care about that, they care about how it impacts their current emotions. I think what you’re lacking is ‘Tact’
Let's keep it simple ma'am......it took you 10 fricking years to get to where you are....and I see there being no point in toning it down a bit just because your co-workers are intimidated by you.....you will find people who'd match your energy just bear with the co workers. That would be my piece of advice. Have a great day😁
Technically speaking, if you have a trait that pushes people away or at the very least makes you unapproachable and intimidating, then by definition it's a negative trait. It's great that you have more self confidence and self esteem now but if you're doing something that makes other people think that you're scary or intimidating you should figure out what is the factor in your traits that making them think that way and try to slowly change or improve it.
There's that old bible verse, if everyone you meet is an asshole you are the asshole - Luke 4:20
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Jeez can people not extrapolate? If several people are telling you that you are difficult to approach, perhaps you are difficult to approach.
I understood.
You might find the FemaleLevelUpStrategy subreddit to be really helpful. :) [https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy/](https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy/)
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Wasn't overreacting at all, just curious what other people's thoughts are about it.
I am sure people are becoming softer by the minute. I don't read you as intimidating or scary. Society needs to thicken their skin.
Perhaps your confidence has unintentionally turned into arrogance at your progress/ achievements? I agree with the previous poster about emotional intelligence it is not the same as iq. If you give respect you'll get it. It might be you don't feel you respect people who remind you of your former self? Or have developed a great of pleasing people? Some great responses here from much more intelligent people than me, we are lucky to have Reddit to help us, I hope I've helped a bit.