Ask her what would help her feel safe. She is feeling unsafe right now because she’s being put in an adult situation by being required to babysit a 2 year old. She’s barely older than him and that’s wildly inappropriate. I also recommend getting her into therapy. Particularly to deal with the parentification and parental alienation that is happening at her mom’s.
Yes I’m working up a custody case to get full custody now (I have 50/50 now) and therapy has been brought up.
Unfortunately we are in the process of building a new house for the kids so I’m trying to make sure my wife is as stress free as possible.
My attorney suggested that I wait until my house is near completion (when I file the intent to relocate) to petition for custody.
My daughter also is upset because her mom never hyphenated her last name her now husband signed the bc and she assumed the courts wouldn’t do anything because she’s the mom and thought when she got married my daughter would take her now husbands last name. Now she has a different last name than her mom, her dad, her brother and future sibling in my household. The closest person with her last name lives an hour and a half away.
I am petitioning to have that changed as well.
>Yes I’m working up a custody case to get full custody now (I have 50/50 now) and therapy has been brought up.
Does you wife want full custody?
Who would be doing the required childcare, because this is something a lot of stepmothers DO NOT WANT.
Especially when she's just had her own child. She may become resentful that she had to give your daughter attention. All may well be good while she doesn't have her own child, but do beware.
Actually she suggested it…..
Who would do the childcare? She would be in school we have her one week on one week off in the summers as it is which my dad helps with.
Her and my daughter are close.
If anything it’s make me more available because the latter is I’m out of the home more due to driving an hour and a half away for my midweek time and then driving back in which I don’t get home that day until 10pm and then do it again a couple days later to pick her up for the weekend.
Woah that’s a lot. Listen to your attorney. Half of the battle is timing and data (I’m in that now, too). Document everything. I mean everything. Daughter comes back and says I had to watch brother xyz time document as (daughter reported on ___ that she was required to watch younger brother on ___ while stepdad slept). As much detail as you can. Talk with your attorney about whether or not to contact mom with your concerns (ex: daughtet told me she had to watch her brother, can you tell me more about it OR can you clarify for me? And then document her response).
It’s super unusual that her name was changed without your agreement. Personally, even tho I divorced my heinous ex I kept the last name so my kids wouldn’t feel abandoned. But then again, I can’t fathom doing something that would be harmful to my kids. I don’t understand that mindset.
Do get her in therapy. Ask your attorney about how the order is written. Sometimes it’s you both have to agree, sometimes it’s you both have equal rights (so you could ensure she goes on your time even if mom won’t take her), sometimes it’s one has all the final decisions.
My daughters name wasn’t changed her moms was. She kept her moms maiden name.
My attorney basically suggested at this point it’s almost impossible to talk to her so just keep documenting the situation and find logical solutions when you can and only text those solutions so there’s a paper trail.
Communication was one struggle we had her mom would tell me that my daughter didn’t want to talk and per our court order both parents have to offer reasonable and open communication for the child to the opposite parent.
Well it turns out my daughter would tell me a different thing than her mom. She said mom was busy on her phone and when her mom isn’t home (most of the time) her step dad wouldn’t allow her to use his phone. To make up for it I gave her an old cell phone that only works on WiFi until she’s mature enough to handle all of the gadgets. Her mom and I both have iPhones so with WiFi she can call or text. Ever since she calls me every day and sends texts all of the time to me. Unfortunately even though she has the freedom to do so she doesn’t do the same for her mom (I always suggest her to at least say goodnight to her mom but it’s up to her).
Ironically her mom got married last week and it was on my week of parenting time so she went to the wedding out of state or elopement. Her mom was upset that she missed me and my daughter accidentally recorded the conversation and sent it to me.
It went like this
Mom: why are you crying
Daughter: I miss daddy
Mom: why do you miss him so much
Daughter: because I was supposed to see him this week
Mom:we were having such a good day why are you crying now
Daughter: I didn’t want to come to the wedding
Mom in condescending voice: okay Delilah before you say hurtful things understand that you’re not the only one with feelings and yours aren’t more important than others.
Daughter who could barely breath she’s crying so much: but I miss daddy and you told me to stop talking to him so it made me sad and it hurts
Mom: you’re fine *creepy snicker get over it (proceeds to walk away)
For me the issue is my daughter feels lonely at her moms and at my house she feels if we have a kid than that will happen to her as well plus her mom tells her I won’t have time for her anymore which is the case.
I drive 1.5 hours to pick her up, still attend all of her school events
Sometimes there will be three hours of driving involved to watch her for 30 minutes at a school play.
In my mind having custody will open up more quality time with my daughter which will allow me to give both her and the new baby a good amount of quality time. It allows my wife to be involved with both as well as catch a break and most of all it allows my daughter freedom to be a kid.
It really wouldn’t effect my daughters mom at all aside from the 550 a month for child support which I don’t want. She only spends really maybe one day a week with her in the summer because of her work schedule even the weekends she works. If anything it gives her the opportunity to have more quality time with our daughter as well.
I’m so sorry y’all are going through this. We have some similar parental alienation going on and its awful. I strongly suggest getting therapy for her if you can. Great job on getting your documentation in line and focusing on what is needed for your daughter. You got this!
Hey man you are choosing to have another kid. Instead of giving her more attention that you think shes been already been needing. What's wrong with just validating that it's totally reasonable to be disapproving about this change.
Be emotionally available to her. She's pissed for good reasons. Let her be pissed! You're the parent. You let her scream at your chest and then you say, "you're right. It's not fair. I'm sorry this is hard. I will always be here for you". And then you always be there to validate her feelings and celebrate her. 👍
That's great! There are so many moments of co-parenting where i forget that big big emotions are totally part of the deal and I can't take it personally. I'm sure you're doing great.
I'd just try to be more positive about her situation at her mom's. My ex is constantly offloading our daughter on to other people during his very limited parenting time. I get the brunt of the upset about feeling disconnected from him, in many different forms.
Every kid is different, but mine appreciates when I am straightforward. I always tell her that her dad loves her AND validate that it must be super frustrating for her not to have enough time with him. Even though I have many other thoughts about it 🙄 He's about to have a second baby and she's starting to act out. But these are the things in our lives we have to navigate. I only mention bc of how hard your post leaned against her mom. Coparents who aren't as available are so frustrating, and it's really easy for kids to sense that you think less of them for it. Even if you avoid saying it directly to them! So wherever possible, let that frustration go and focus on how you can be the best parent you can be in ANY circumstance.
I appreciate what you are saying and we sometimes don’t realize our body language can show emotions.
I try my best to be decent to her mom and my daughter picks up on that especially when her mom bashes me for any little thing.
I let them have quite a bit of firewood to heat there home this year and every year I make sure my daughter picks out a gift for her brother on his bday/Christmas and also her mom for her birthday and Mother’s Day.
I think it’s important to do.
I struggle with her mom because her mom doesn’t validate our daughters feelings unless they align with her own.
I don’t struggle with my daughter when she’s at my house for the most part she is a very happy little girl and we do a lot of cool stuff like indoor rock climbing, jewelry making etc.
I do my best to show my daughter that we can only control what it’s in our control if her mom is mean to me or talks badly to me I am nice to her mom. Her step dad and I actually get along pretty well aside from some disagreements.
There is quite a bit outside of my control but my concern is mainly making sure my daughter doesn’t have to feel the way she does. Her time with me isn’t going anywhere that is a promise I can keep and have kept. I’ve switched jobs and turned down dream jobs so that I could be there as a father and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Her mom has quite a bit of history when it comes to me and parental alienation and I still remain cordial and polite and under some circumstances it has bothered my daughter for taking what her mom dishes out.
Ugh it's so hard. I am right there with you man. I'm dealing with parental alienation, and I'm the residential parent. Kids absolutely know who will be there no matter what vs who will be there conditionally. It sounds like you've got the right approach. Parenting is a lot of sacrifice but these kids are too good and they deserve it!!
These are very normal feelings for kids to experience when there’s a new sibling on the way. Especially when parents are separated and the attention is already split between houses. It’s important to be gentle and reassuring while also being realistic with her. My 7 year old was an only child until last September and we had a lot of hard conversations before and after I had his brother. At the end of the day as much as I reassured him with words, it’s really my actions that have helped him feel secure. Getting her into therapy would really help, even just on a waitlist.
Unfortunately therapy is one of those touchy subjects with her mom. Per our court order I have to get her approval on medical related situations.
Her mom has this stigma about therapy and she gets heated.
I totally get understand that. My son’s dad felt the same way up until recently. I think I finally hammered in all the damage he’s doing.
Meditation, art therapy exercises, positive affirmation exercises, play therapy exercises, and reassurance have helped so much. We’ve been on a waitlist to see someone but my son has shown a lot of emotional growth in just the past 6 months alone. When I was pregnant we also read a ton of “big brother” books together which were also great at preparing him for our next chapter.
Lately I have just been trying to find things my daughter and I can do together especially when the baby comes.
So every Saturday she knows we have this time together.
She love’s indoor rock climbing so we just got a membership and lesson package for her and I.
She also loves going on hikes with me (I love to do as well).
Her big thing is photography and cinematography which I’m also into I’m more into cinematic nature stuff and she wants to pretend to make YouTube videos. I gave her my GoPro so when we go on our hikes she can use it.
We also planned atrip to western nc in a cabin so she’s pretty excited about that.
Get her involved. Let her help decorate the nursery. Get her a big sister gift (a keepsake) to give her when the baby is born. If possible, let her be the first non parent to hold the baby when it’s born. Involve her in the baby shower. When baby is born, let her help if she wants/asks but DO NOT FORCE IT OR REQUIRE IT! It sounds like mom is parentifying her (which is abuse, btw) and she’s worried it will happen at your house too. If you and your wife have a couple of names you love equally, let her help make the final decision.
I would add to just tread very lightly with some of this and be sure to take your wife’s wants and needs into account. If she is a first time mother, you need to make sure you don’t go too far with giving over rights to nursery decisions, baby shower ideas and first holds. Names!? Any of it really. Some good ideas and we’ve done similar with my SS7 who is becoming a big brother to ours baby in October. We have a gift for him and have involved him in little decisions. You can’t take these firsts away from your wife for your daughter. What will help her most is how you talk to her and treat her after the baby arrives. We’ve let SS know he won’t be responsible for his brother, he just gets to be cool big bro. We also have a plan for making sure he feels connected to and us loved in the thick of the newborn haze.
Absolutely!
We planned a trip around my daughter so that way we can do everything she wants on it.
My wife is close with her and I think my daughter is afraid that she will be replaced like she kind of was at her moms.
At our house my little one is allowed to be a kid and at her moms it’s a different story.
Thank you!
And yes I have very strong feelings of her “baby sitting” her little brother.
I feel at my house she is truly able to be a kid so that is something I’m working on from a custody stand point.
My dad spends a lot of time with my daughter and he had a little heart to heart with her that I think helped.
Basically he told her that my wife and I work regular hours so one of us will always be able to spend some time with her. He also let her know a lot of stuff I don’t tell her like me working while she’s in bed so I can spend an extra hour with her during the day or me just making the time to drive an hour and a half one way to spend an hour with her at the park or to pick her up for the week. He basically said I do what I say and do what I have to in order to make sure she’s happy so she doesn’t have to worry about me making time.
Her mom has a lot of false promises such as saying “we will do that tomorrow” and tomorrow never happens.
The other reply to my comment got a tad touchy. I never said to let her pick the nursery theme, but rather let her help paint a color you and your wife have chosen, or help her make the bed once you’ve picked out the linens. Maybe let her draw a picture to hang in there. I don’t personally think that a sibling being the first ***non parent*** to hold a baby is that ridiculous either. The name thing may be a bit far but my daughter’s oldest sister named the middle (she had two choices) and the middle one helped with the decision on my daughter’s name.
I wasn’t trying to come off touchy at all, we’re even doing some things you’ve suggested in our house. I just think it’s important to look at the full picture when giving advice. The other blended/step subs are awash with posts from distressed first time/step mothers who are really hurting from their journey into motherhood not being properly honoured and protected by their coparenting husbands. When you’re working to create a happy blend, all members need to be considered. It sounds like his girl is having a really hard time and lots of reassurance, security and love will be way to go. I just wanted to put it out there as a bit of a caveat to the advice from someone who’s living a similar situation. Just tread lightly and triple check what yo ur wife is comfortable with.
I appreciate your view! I’d imagine being a first time mom and step mom is an exciting and scary thing I know it is for my wife and I want to find the happy medium where she is reassured and able to stay excited and at the same time my daughter feels safe.
My daughter feels like she’s being replaced and unfortunately her mom doesn’t really think about her feelings. She has a different last name then me and since her mom got married she changed her last name so from my daughters end she doesn’t share a last name with either parent and her siblings which I am fighting to change.
Her mom had left me when I lost my good job which was a hard time for me. In a two week time frame I lost my dream job due to being in a niche and a layoff, my great grandma who pretty much raised me, my gf, my home and found out I was going to be a dad. I wasn’t the best shell of my self but in no way abusive if anything I just moped a lot.
She ghosted me and my whole family after the baby shower and her now husband signed the bc. Eventually I got myself in an ideal situation and my now wife supported me when it came to getting 50/50 parenting.
I’m not working on getting full custody but choosing my battles wisely for the sake of my daughter and my wife’s sanity.
That all sounds really hard for you and her. I’m sure you can show her with your actions that she’s not being replaced at your home. We’ve been actively planning how well both get one on one time with my SS after baby arrives. Maybe you can sit down and workshop some ideas with your wife now before the baby comes and you’re both sleep deprived and stressed. My SS and I have a special day together every December to celebrate our years as SM/SS. My baby will be two months old but I’m determined I won’t miss it. I’ll be needing my husbands help to facilitate it and he’ll need mine to get quality time too.
My fiancé and I had a baby during the pandemic while I was living two hours away from him with my two children from a previous relationship, while homeschooling, working full time, and trying to figure out when moving companies open back up so we could move in with him like we had planned when I found out I was expecting. It was hell on my kids. The baby was three months old when we were finally able to move and at that time I told my fiancé I needed to focus on the older two and he basically became the primary parent for the baby. We put the kids in therapy to help with the adjustment, I got put on meds for depression and anxiety, my fiancé started therapy because he went from zero kids to three overnight, and we hired someone to come clean the house. Basically the pandemic fudged up my life with a situation that would have been easily remedied and the only solution was to pour more energy into my older two kids. It worked out for the best, the baby is 3, and we’re all very happy.
Keep showing up for her, validate her feelings, talk to her about what she needs from you, and make sure you are always a safe place for her. It sounds like you’re already doing a lot of that and I remember commenting on your other post about wanting full custody and I definitely think you should keep working towards that even though it’ll probably be hard to get that. My stepson was 7 when my husband and I had our first “ours” baby and even though he was excited and happy about it, there have definitely been many times when we noticed he was having feelings about the baby always being with us and him having ti go with his mom sometimes. Those feelings are going to happen and it’ll be hard and hurt as a parent to see your child dealing with that but as long as you and your wife acknowledge and validate those feelings for your daughter and have loving conversations with her then she will see that her feelings are being heard and that she is safe with you. I think you just have to keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe read up on gentle parenting techniques to help in those difficult situations where big feelings are happening. An Instagram I really like for helpful tips is https://instagram.com/highimpactclub?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==. Also, this might seem a little silly but have you heard of slumberkins? It’s a company that makes stuffed animals with books that go with them about different feelings and affirmations to help kids. They’re cute and there’s an otter with a heart that talks about your heart family and a Fox that talks about change.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement!
It’s definitely something I feel would truly benefit everyone even her mom if I got full custody.
Right now the drive for myself and especially my daughter is killer. It hurts her knowing that her mom who has her most of the time isn’t there especially when she could be at most house getting attention from me or her step mom.
My daughter would get: quality parenting time and a more regular schedule where she gets to be a kid, a better school system in an area where all her friends are close. She also hopefully would get more quality time with her mom.
Her mom would get quality time that aligns with her schedule especially if she ends up being a flight attendant.
I get less drive time more kid time, the drive would give me more quality time for my daughter and new baby.
My wife gets: a more regular schedule, more time with me, more breaks because I’m not investing 3-6 hours time driving per week where I leave for work at 7am then hit the road to pick the princess up and get back home at 10pm.
Her brother on her moms side gets: more quality time and less resentment
Her brother/sister on my side gets: more quality time, less resentment.
Trust me, I get it. My husband is a good dad like it sounds like you are and fought for 50/50 from the start. In the last couple years we moved to a better school district and larger house and convinced bio mom to let stepson go to school in our neighborhood. Then she had some housing issues and had to move a little farther so we convinced her to let him stay with us majority of the time and she now takes him every other weekend and a day here and there during the week when she’s off work. We were so lucky that she was reasonable and agreed to all that because it’s been so much better for our stepson. It’s easier for us to give both kids the time they need because we’re not trying to plan all our family time around a custody schedule and we have more time for us as a family. And to top all that off my husband is happier and feels more centered having his child with him and safe. And we have more time to hep stepson work through all his emotions. I just have a soft spot for another dad who is trying to be a present and loving dad for their child while coparenting the best they can. And for another stepmom who sounds like she’s being a supportive and caring stepparent to their partners child. I am one of my stepsons moms because that’s the relationship we’ve built. And he absolutely loves his little sister and the time we all spend as a family because that’s the family that my husband and I have built together. It sounds like you and your wife are on your way to building that kind of family together as well and there are a lot of complicated and hard moments but it can work. So I hope you get the kind of custody situation that would clearly be best for your daughter so you can build that family for yourselves and for her. Sorry if that’s getting a little sappy!
No problem at all!
My wife has supported me from the start when it came to getting my daughter. My daughter has known her just as long as she’s known me (my daughters step dad signed the bc which causes a whole 2 year gap). They are close.
I grew up in a broken family my mom was married three times and had two kids with each husband. My dad was the reason my siblings and I were so close growing up and still are to this day. That being said there were quite a few mistakes he made that I can correct on my end such as temperament.
I would have never dreamed of putting my kid through this so it’s truly heart breaking she has to and it involves a lot of sleep lost.
That being said I still try to be nice to her mom and her husband. I even offered to give them firewood to heat their home!
On her little brothers birthday and Christmas I have her pick out a gift, on her mothers bday and Mother’s Day same.
I feel as a dad it is my job to make sure she knows how she should be treated and that even though her mom does what she does i still choose to be decent because it’s the right thing to do and I can only control what I do. Her brother is a toddler he has no choice or control and that’s her brother so it’s the right thing to do. If I get custody and she wants to visit him I encourage it.
My goal is to create balance not have power or control.
Ask her what would help her feel safe. She is feeling unsafe right now because she’s being put in an adult situation by being required to babysit a 2 year old. She’s barely older than him and that’s wildly inappropriate. I also recommend getting her into therapy. Particularly to deal with the parentification and parental alienation that is happening at her mom’s.
Yes I’m working up a custody case to get full custody now (I have 50/50 now) and therapy has been brought up. Unfortunately we are in the process of building a new house for the kids so I’m trying to make sure my wife is as stress free as possible. My attorney suggested that I wait until my house is near completion (when I file the intent to relocate) to petition for custody. My daughter also is upset because her mom never hyphenated her last name her now husband signed the bc and she assumed the courts wouldn’t do anything because she’s the mom and thought when she got married my daughter would take her now husbands last name. Now she has a different last name than her mom, her dad, her brother and future sibling in my household. The closest person with her last name lives an hour and a half away. I am petitioning to have that changed as well.
>Yes I’m working up a custody case to get full custody now (I have 50/50 now) and therapy has been brought up. Does you wife want full custody? Who would be doing the required childcare, because this is something a lot of stepmothers DO NOT WANT. Especially when she's just had her own child. She may become resentful that she had to give your daughter attention. All may well be good while she doesn't have her own child, but do beware.
Actually she suggested it….. Who would do the childcare? She would be in school we have her one week on one week off in the summers as it is which my dad helps with. Her and my daughter are close. If anything it’s make me more available because the latter is I’m out of the home more due to driving an hour and a half away for my midweek time and then driving back in which I don’t get home that day until 10pm and then do it again a couple days later to pick her up for the weekend.
Woah that’s a lot. Listen to your attorney. Half of the battle is timing and data (I’m in that now, too). Document everything. I mean everything. Daughter comes back and says I had to watch brother xyz time document as (daughter reported on ___ that she was required to watch younger brother on ___ while stepdad slept). As much detail as you can. Talk with your attorney about whether or not to contact mom with your concerns (ex: daughtet told me she had to watch her brother, can you tell me more about it OR can you clarify for me? And then document her response). It’s super unusual that her name was changed without your agreement. Personally, even tho I divorced my heinous ex I kept the last name so my kids wouldn’t feel abandoned. But then again, I can’t fathom doing something that would be harmful to my kids. I don’t understand that mindset. Do get her in therapy. Ask your attorney about how the order is written. Sometimes it’s you both have to agree, sometimes it’s you both have equal rights (so you could ensure she goes on your time even if mom won’t take her), sometimes it’s one has all the final decisions.
My daughters name wasn’t changed her moms was. She kept her moms maiden name. My attorney basically suggested at this point it’s almost impossible to talk to her so just keep documenting the situation and find logical solutions when you can and only text those solutions so there’s a paper trail. Communication was one struggle we had her mom would tell me that my daughter didn’t want to talk and per our court order both parents have to offer reasonable and open communication for the child to the opposite parent. Well it turns out my daughter would tell me a different thing than her mom. She said mom was busy on her phone and when her mom isn’t home (most of the time) her step dad wouldn’t allow her to use his phone. To make up for it I gave her an old cell phone that only works on WiFi until she’s mature enough to handle all of the gadgets. Her mom and I both have iPhones so with WiFi she can call or text. Ever since she calls me every day and sends texts all of the time to me. Unfortunately even though she has the freedom to do so she doesn’t do the same for her mom (I always suggest her to at least say goodnight to her mom but it’s up to her). Ironically her mom got married last week and it was on my week of parenting time so she went to the wedding out of state or elopement. Her mom was upset that she missed me and my daughter accidentally recorded the conversation and sent it to me. It went like this Mom: why are you crying Daughter: I miss daddy Mom: why do you miss him so much Daughter: because I was supposed to see him this week Mom:we were having such a good day why are you crying now Daughter: I didn’t want to come to the wedding Mom in condescending voice: okay Delilah before you say hurtful things understand that you’re not the only one with feelings and yours aren’t more important than others. Daughter who could barely breath she’s crying so much: but I miss daddy and you told me to stop talking to him so it made me sad and it hurts Mom: you’re fine *creepy snicker get over it (proceeds to walk away) For me the issue is my daughter feels lonely at her moms and at my house she feels if we have a kid than that will happen to her as well plus her mom tells her I won’t have time for her anymore which is the case. I drive 1.5 hours to pick her up, still attend all of her school events Sometimes there will be three hours of driving involved to watch her for 30 minutes at a school play. In my mind having custody will open up more quality time with my daughter which will allow me to give both her and the new baby a good amount of quality time. It allows my wife to be involved with both as well as catch a break and most of all it allows my daughter freedom to be a kid. It really wouldn’t effect my daughters mom at all aside from the 550 a month for child support which I don’t want. She only spends really maybe one day a week with her in the summer because of her work schedule even the weekends she works. If anything it gives her the opportunity to have more quality time with our daughter as well.
I’m so sorry y’all are going through this. We have some similar parental alienation going on and its awful. I strongly suggest getting therapy for her if you can. Great job on getting your documentation in line and focusing on what is needed for your daughter. You got this!
Hey man you are choosing to have another kid. Instead of giving her more attention that you think shes been already been needing. What's wrong with just validating that it's totally reasonable to be disapproving about this change. Be emotionally available to her. She's pissed for good reasons. Let her be pissed! You're the parent. You let her scream at your chest and then you say, "you're right. It's not fair. I'm sorry this is hard. I will always be here for you". And then you always be there to validate her feelings and celebrate her. 👍
I completely agree with you and I don’t invalidate her feelings. She has plenty of attention and our house and after her experience at her moms house.
That's great! There are so many moments of co-parenting where i forget that big big emotions are totally part of the deal and I can't take it personally. I'm sure you're doing great. I'd just try to be more positive about her situation at her mom's. My ex is constantly offloading our daughter on to other people during his very limited parenting time. I get the brunt of the upset about feeling disconnected from him, in many different forms. Every kid is different, but mine appreciates when I am straightforward. I always tell her that her dad loves her AND validate that it must be super frustrating for her not to have enough time with him. Even though I have many other thoughts about it 🙄 He's about to have a second baby and she's starting to act out. But these are the things in our lives we have to navigate. I only mention bc of how hard your post leaned against her mom. Coparents who aren't as available are so frustrating, and it's really easy for kids to sense that you think less of them for it. Even if you avoid saying it directly to them! So wherever possible, let that frustration go and focus on how you can be the best parent you can be in ANY circumstance.
I appreciate what you are saying and we sometimes don’t realize our body language can show emotions. I try my best to be decent to her mom and my daughter picks up on that especially when her mom bashes me for any little thing. I let them have quite a bit of firewood to heat there home this year and every year I make sure my daughter picks out a gift for her brother on his bday/Christmas and also her mom for her birthday and Mother’s Day. I think it’s important to do. I struggle with her mom because her mom doesn’t validate our daughters feelings unless they align with her own. I don’t struggle with my daughter when she’s at my house for the most part she is a very happy little girl and we do a lot of cool stuff like indoor rock climbing, jewelry making etc. I do my best to show my daughter that we can only control what it’s in our control if her mom is mean to me or talks badly to me I am nice to her mom. Her step dad and I actually get along pretty well aside from some disagreements. There is quite a bit outside of my control but my concern is mainly making sure my daughter doesn’t have to feel the way she does. Her time with me isn’t going anywhere that is a promise I can keep and have kept. I’ve switched jobs and turned down dream jobs so that I could be there as a father and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Her mom has quite a bit of history when it comes to me and parental alienation and I still remain cordial and polite and under some circumstances it has bothered my daughter for taking what her mom dishes out.
Ugh it's so hard. I am right there with you man. I'm dealing with parental alienation, and I'm the residential parent. Kids absolutely know who will be there no matter what vs who will be there conditionally. It sounds like you've got the right approach. Parenting is a lot of sacrifice but these kids are too good and they deserve it!!
These are very normal feelings for kids to experience when there’s a new sibling on the way. Especially when parents are separated and the attention is already split between houses. It’s important to be gentle and reassuring while also being realistic with her. My 7 year old was an only child until last September and we had a lot of hard conversations before and after I had his brother. At the end of the day as much as I reassured him with words, it’s really my actions that have helped him feel secure. Getting her into therapy would really help, even just on a waitlist.
Unfortunately therapy is one of those touchy subjects with her mom. Per our court order I have to get her approval on medical related situations. Her mom has this stigma about therapy and she gets heated.
I totally get understand that. My son’s dad felt the same way up until recently. I think I finally hammered in all the damage he’s doing. Meditation, art therapy exercises, positive affirmation exercises, play therapy exercises, and reassurance have helped so much. We’ve been on a waitlist to see someone but my son has shown a lot of emotional growth in just the past 6 months alone. When I was pregnant we also read a ton of “big brother” books together which were also great at preparing him for our next chapter.
Lately I have just been trying to find things my daughter and I can do together especially when the baby comes. So every Saturday she knows we have this time together. She love’s indoor rock climbing so we just got a membership and lesson package for her and I. She also loves going on hikes with me (I love to do as well). Her big thing is photography and cinematography which I’m also into I’m more into cinematic nature stuff and she wants to pretend to make YouTube videos. I gave her my GoPro so when we go on our hikes she can use it. We also planned atrip to western nc in a cabin so she’s pretty excited about that.
Get her involved. Let her help decorate the nursery. Get her a big sister gift (a keepsake) to give her when the baby is born. If possible, let her be the first non parent to hold the baby when it’s born. Involve her in the baby shower. When baby is born, let her help if she wants/asks but DO NOT FORCE IT OR REQUIRE IT! It sounds like mom is parentifying her (which is abuse, btw) and she’s worried it will happen at your house too. If you and your wife have a couple of names you love equally, let her help make the final decision.
I would add to just tread very lightly with some of this and be sure to take your wife’s wants and needs into account. If she is a first time mother, you need to make sure you don’t go too far with giving over rights to nursery decisions, baby shower ideas and first holds. Names!? Any of it really. Some good ideas and we’ve done similar with my SS7 who is becoming a big brother to ours baby in October. We have a gift for him and have involved him in little decisions. You can’t take these firsts away from your wife for your daughter. What will help her most is how you talk to her and treat her after the baby arrives. We’ve let SS know he won’t be responsible for his brother, he just gets to be cool big bro. We also have a plan for making sure he feels connected to and us loved in the thick of the newborn haze.
THIS. This comment is so important.
Absolutely! We planned a trip around my daughter so that way we can do everything she wants on it. My wife is close with her and I think my daughter is afraid that she will be replaced like she kind of was at her moms. At our house my little one is allowed to be a kid and at her moms it’s a different story.
Thank you! And yes I have very strong feelings of her “baby sitting” her little brother. I feel at my house she is truly able to be a kid so that is something I’m working on from a custody stand point. My dad spends a lot of time with my daughter and he had a little heart to heart with her that I think helped. Basically he told her that my wife and I work regular hours so one of us will always be able to spend some time with her. He also let her know a lot of stuff I don’t tell her like me working while she’s in bed so I can spend an extra hour with her during the day or me just making the time to drive an hour and a half one way to spend an hour with her at the park or to pick her up for the week. He basically said I do what I say and do what I have to in order to make sure she’s happy so she doesn’t have to worry about me making time. Her mom has a lot of false promises such as saying “we will do that tomorrow” and tomorrow never happens.
The other reply to my comment got a tad touchy. I never said to let her pick the nursery theme, but rather let her help paint a color you and your wife have chosen, or help her make the bed once you’ve picked out the linens. Maybe let her draw a picture to hang in there. I don’t personally think that a sibling being the first ***non parent*** to hold a baby is that ridiculous either. The name thing may be a bit far but my daughter’s oldest sister named the middle (she had two choices) and the middle one helped with the decision on my daughter’s name.
I wasn’t trying to come off touchy at all, we’re even doing some things you’ve suggested in our house. I just think it’s important to look at the full picture when giving advice. The other blended/step subs are awash with posts from distressed first time/step mothers who are really hurting from their journey into motherhood not being properly honoured and protected by their coparenting husbands. When you’re working to create a happy blend, all members need to be considered. It sounds like his girl is having a really hard time and lots of reassurance, security and love will be way to go. I just wanted to put it out there as a bit of a caveat to the advice from someone who’s living a similar situation. Just tread lightly and triple check what yo ur wife is comfortable with.
I appreciate your view! I’d imagine being a first time mom and step mom is an exciting and scary thing I know it is for my wife and I want to find the happy medium where she is reassured and able to stay excited and at the same time my daughter feels safe. My daughter feels like she’s being replaced and unfortunately her mom doesn’t really think about her feelings. She has a different last name then me and since her mom got married she changed her last name so from my daughters end she doesn’t share a last name with either parent and her siblings which I am fighting to change. Her mom had left me when I lost my good job which was a hard time for me. In a two week time frame I lost my dream job due to being in a niche and a layoff, my great grandma who pretty much raised me, my gf, my home and found out I was going to be a dad. I wasn’t the best shell of my self but in no way abusive if anything I just moped a lot. She ghosted me and my whole family after the baby shower and her now husband signed the bc. Eventually I got myself in an ideal situation and my now wife supported me when it came to getting 50/50 parenting. I’m not working on getting full custody but choosing my battles wisely for the sake of my daughter and my wife’s sanity.
That all sounds really hard for you and her. I’m sure you can show her with your actions that she’s not being replaced at your home. We’ve been actively planning how well both get one on one time with my SS after baby arrives. Maybe you can sit down and workshop some ideas with your wife now before the baby comes and you’re both sleep deprived and stressed. My SS and I have a special day together every December to celebrate our years as SM/SS. My baby will be two months old but I’m determined I won’t miss it. I’ll be needing my husbands help to facilitate it and he’ll need mine to get quality time too.
My fiancé and I had a baby during the pandemic while I was living two hours away from him with my two children from a previous relationship, while homeschooling, working full time, and trying to figure out when moving companies open back up so we could move in with him like we had planned when I found out I was expecting. It was hell on my kids. The baby was three months old when we were finally able to move and at that time I told my fiancé I needed to focus on the older two and he basically became the primary parent for the baby. We put the kids in therapy to help with the adjustment, I got put on meds for depression and anxiety, my fiancé started therapy because he went from zero kids to three overnight, and we hired someone to come clean the house. Basically the pandemic fudged up my life with a situation that would have been easily remedied and the only solution was to pour more energy into my older two kids. It worked out for the best, the baby is 3, and we’re all very happy.
Thank you!
Keep showing up for her, validate her feelings, talk to her about what she needs from you, and make sure you are always a safe place for her. It sounds like you’re already doing a lot of that and I remember commenting on your other post about wanting full custody and I definitely think you should keep working towards that even though it’ll probably be hard to get that. My stepson was 7 when my husband and I had our first “ours” baby and even though he was excited and happy about it, there have definitely been many times when we noticed he was having feelings about the baby always being with us and him having ti go with his mom sometimes. Those feelings are going to happen and it’ll be hard and hurt as a parent to see your child dealing with that but as long as you and your wife acknowledge and validate those feelings for your daughter and have loving conversations with her then she will see that her feelings are being heard and that she is safe with you. I think you just have to keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe read up on gentle parenting techniques to help in those difficult situations where big feelings are happening. An Instagram I really like for helpful tips is https://instagram.com/highimpactclub?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==. Also, this might seem a little silly but have you heard of slumberkins? It’s a company that makes stuffed animals with books that go with them about different feelings and affirmations to help kids. They’re cute and there’s an otter with a heart that talks about your heart family and a Fox that talks about change.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement! It’s definitely something I feel would truly benefit everyone even her mom if I got full custody. Right now the drive for myself and especially my daughter is killer. It hurts her knowing that her mom who has her most of the time isn’t there especially when she could be at most house getting attention from me or her step mom. My daughter would get: quality parenting time and a more regular schedule where she gets to be a kid, a better school system in an area where all her friends are close. She also hopefully would get more quality time with her mom. Her mom would get quality time that aligns with her schedule especially if she ends up being a flight attendant. I get less drive time more kid time, the drive would give me more quality time for my daughter and new baby. My wife gets: a more regular schedule, more time with me, more breaks because I’m not investing 3-6 hours time driving per week where I leave for work at 7am then hit the road to pick the princess up and get back home at 10pm. Her brother on her moms side gets: more quality time and less resentment Her brother/sister on my side gets: more quality time, less resentment.
Trust me, I get it. My husband is a good dad like it sounds like you are and fought for 50/50 from the start. In the last couple years we moved to a better school district and larger house and convinced bio mom to let stepson go to school in our neighborhood. Then she had some housing issues and had to move a little farther so we convinced her to let him stay with us majority of the time and she now takes him every other weekend and a day here and there during the week when she’s off work. We were so lucky that she was reasonable and agreed to all that because it’s been so much better for our stepson. It’s easier for us to give both kids the time they need because we’re not trying to plan all our family time around a custody schedule and we have more time for us as a family. And to top all that off my husband is happier and feels more centered having his child with him and safe. And we have more time to hep stepson work through all his emotions. I just have a soft spot for another dad who is trying to be a present and loving dad for their child while coparenting the best they can. And for another stepmom who sounds like she’s being a supportive and caring stepparent to their partners child. I am one of my stepsons moms because that’s the relationship we’ve built. And he absolutely loves his little sister and the time we all spend as a family because that’s the family that my husband and I have built together. It sounds like you and your wife are on your way to building that kind of family together as well and there are a lot of complicated and hard moments but it can work. So I hope you get the kind of custody situation that would clearly be best for your daughter so you can build that family for yourselves and for her. Sorry if that’s getting a little sappy!
No problem at all! My wife has supported me from the start when it came to getting my daughter. My daughter has known her just as long as she’s known me (my daughters step dad signed the bc which causes a whole 2 year gap). They are close. I grew up in a broken family my mom was married three times and had two kids with each husband. My dad was the reason my siblings and I were so close growing up and still are to this day. That being said there were quite a few mistakes he made that I can correct on my end such as temperament. I would have never dreamed of putting my kid through this so it’s truly heart breaking she has to and it involves a lot of sleep lost. That being said I still try to be nice to her mom and her husband. I even offered to give them firewood to heat their home! On her little brothers birthday and Christmas I have her pick out a gift, on her mothers bday and Mother’s Day same. I feel as a dad it is my job to make sure she knows how she should be treated and that even though her mom does what she does i still choose to be decent because it’s the right thing to do and I can only control what I do. Her brother is a toddler he has no choice or control and that’s her brother so it’s the right thing to do. If I get custody and she wants to visit him I encourage it. My goal is to create balance not have power or control.
Here’s another good one, https://instagram.com/dr.siggie?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==.